Sex With Emily - Are You Sexually Intelligent? with Amy Jo Goddard

Episode Date: March 12, 2016

On this podcast, Emily welcomes guest and fellow sexologist Amy Jo Goddard to talk about her new book Woman On Fire: 9 Elements to Wake Up Your Erotic Energy, Personal Power & Sexual Intelligence. Together, they delve deep into the concepts of sexual desire, empowerment and of course, share a few expert sex tips!Despite strides that our society has made in the areas of sex positivity and openness, there are still so many of us that have guilt and shame surrounding sex. Amy Jo and Emily discuss what it means to be “sexually broken” and why so many of us feel this way. Amy Jo also outlines her model for sexual empowerment and explains how we can harness our core erotic energy in a positive and creative way. From healing trauma to cultivating desire to quelling insecurities in your relationship, Amy Jo and Emily have the advice to live a more sexually fulfilled and gratifying life. Empower yourself and listen now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's podcast I am joined by well-known sexologist Amy Jogger. We'll be getting into her latest book Woman on Fire and exploring common issues such as low sexual desire, mismatch libidos. What it means to be sexually broken and most importantly how to get the sex life you've always wanted and deserve. Thanks for listening. Okay, the genius design team at Wevibe is done again. The brand new Nova by Wevibe is quite simply a dual stimulation superstar, and that it expertly pleasures your clitoris and juice butt at the same time without missing a beat. You might be thinking, hmm, that sounds a lot like my favorite rabbit vibe, but it's

not. Unlike traditional rabbits, it tends to lose contact when you slide the shaft out outward. When you slide the shaft outside of you, the Nova's external stimulator is extra long-encaved, creating firm, flexible external pressure while you maneuver the G-spot stimulator, however you like it. What this means is that the external stimulator never leaves your clitoris, which is exactly what the majority of women need to achieve orgasm. The NOVA is easy to use controls that you cycle through its multiple vibration modes and even allows you to work the internal and external stimulation independently. As if this wasn't blowing your mind enough, you can also customize a NOVA by connecting it to smart phone via the We Connect app,

which is so cool. Means your partner can use it, you can use it, you don't have to touch the buttons, it's such a great app that you can use in all the products. It's great. The Novai Libai is so unique that you have to try to believe it, right? And I never say you're wrong. Go to sexwithemily.com, look for the Novabanner, and then you can promo code Emily. Check out for a special discount.

Thanks for listening. [♪ music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, on me. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean, like laundry?

It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com.

You can check out all of our podcasts, and you can set up our mailing list, and you can also subscribe to the podcast, because we do two podcasts a week, and it's so easy, and you'll just get them, and then listen to them, and you'll never miss them, right, men? Hi, guys. Hey, what's going on, Emily? How you doing? Oh, man, I am excited to talk to you because we ended the last podcast together on a cliffhanger. If you listen to the last maybe five seconds, she threw a boomerang at me. Yeah, I'm sorry. If that's a term.

Yeah, I threw it at something to you. It's through a wrench in the conversation. I threw a whole wrench to the conversation. And and then you said I can't talk about it anymore Yeah, cuz I was yeah, you're right. I shouldn't I should have given us more time that I am getting a dog Again this weekend what I'm going to San Francisco to get the dog We've been through this before and we did but it was okay. You're right. Okay, how long did the last dog last? Two years. Two years, which is a pretty good run for you. That's maybe, no, that's still not the longest relationship you've had.

You've- That's two and a half years. Two and a half years was the longest one. Three years, two and a half, yeah. Yeah. Now, why do you think that you are able to take care of it? Okay, well let's just talk about it. You're making me sound like I'm in a game.

No, no, no, no, no, not that. This is why it's because, like, I've got days. I don't have time. No, I do now, because when I got Daisy in San Francisco, it was how I'd never had a dog before and she was a puppy, a Jack Russell puppy, which if you know anything about dogs, they're crazy, so much energy.

And I was too good. Far from you once, hey. I know, this is the thing about you minus. Someone wrongs you once and you just I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute.

I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute.

I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. I'm so cute. ring dude okay so does that not scream use car salesman he didn't have Mingi ring he had a pinky ring and a suit he was definitely not a pimp he definitely

would sell me a vulva a vulva a vulva he might say a vulva he didn't know his way right now a vulva I'll tell you that but that was a whole other story so this dog so what happened was when I moved to San Francisco when I moved from San Francisco I had like the baby daddy and San Francisco, my ex boyfriend. Yeah. But I moved to LA. It was just harder to manage and find a place with a dog. I didn't have a lot of money when I moved here three years ago. It was just like, it was tough to manage her. And then this family that I know fell in love with their impolice brings and they have Daisy now. But my friend Charlotte, who works as a vet, you know, who've met Charlotte at a shelter.

I've been telling her like, I want a dog like Stanley. I want a dog like Stanley, who's these Anderson's dog, who's like an older Jack Russell. And this dog looks like Stanley. His name's Pepe. And he's about six years old, he looks exactly. Like it's almost like I've like single way to not getting the same freaking dog as him.

Now Anderson's dog is very well behaved, okay? Now this dog, Pepe, how much you know about his behavior? Well, we face time to few times. And Charlotte is actually, here's the picture. Charlotte's actually a very cute dog. Thank you. Charlotte has been, he's been at the vet the shelter for six months. And so she's gotten to witness the dog and everybody loves, like, is so into the dog.

There are insiduals, but why would it be... Not a lot of it. ...for six months. Because there's a lot of, like, little two hours of people just don't want. It's older. So that's what I'm doing. Again, I think I'm ready again. I would like a dog and I have more time.

I'm moving. I'm going to get a place to be hard. Nice. Dude, everything's changing. Where have you been? I get a place to the yard. Okay, then I can bring Cher over. And then we can have a dog you play date. Can we do that?

As long as your dog is nice. No, apparently this is the other thing. You're gonna understand this is that Cherlet said that he gets along with all the every kind of dogs and cats and he's super friendly. Cool, because Cherlet's play with other dogs. So I'm with mine, I'll write it and cats and he's super friendly. Cool, because Cheryl loves playing with other dogs. So I'm with mine already, that I know Pepe, so.

Pepe. Sure are Pepe, he's only playing with his pets. Well, we'll give it another try, another... Okay. Never go, another go around. I know, it's embarrassing, I don't know who gets rid of a dog, but it was a whole thing. But we have a very exciting guest for today, but first I wanted to, we do little sex in the news. All right, go for it.

A lot of stuff going on in here. College bands energy drinks for contributing to high-risk sexual activity. Okay. Are they doing this for alcohol? I'm not sure they're banning high-risk. I know they were banning four locus on campuses, because that was energy drinks and alcohol

and people just get crazy because they get drunk and then like super hyperactive you know. Right. But I mean what would be the difference of putting red bull and vodka together? I don't know. I mean that's exactly probably, I mean how do you ban an energy drink from college? They sell the 7-11. Yeah.

So Midaberry College of Vermont. They probably just won't sell them on campus anymore. That's probably what's going on. You can like go to the safe way inside of campus. But they're banning on campus sales of energy drinks, claiming they are linked to problematic behavior. So does high risk sexual activity? Where is this again?

Utah or something? Vermont. In the very college. I know nothing about Vermont. The abuse of intoxicating substances, reports, and BC News. The ban takes effect on March 7th. We'll apply to popular beverages like Red Bull, 5R Energy, according to the campus.

Dining services, officials say the drinks don't encourage a healthy lifestyle for college students. Energy, energy drink consumption, facilities, unhealthy work habits such as prolonged periods of sleeplessness, contributing to campus culture, stress, and unsustainable study habits. There are more important things for them to address and energy drinks, they wanna know what is their due sexual activity. So I didn't think that I thought if you mix it with vodka,

right, but there are people having risk, they're saying they're having risky sexual activity on energy drinks. I don't drink energy drinks. I'm not in their right mind. I have risky sexual activity without energy drinks. Oh yeah, of course. But why would it make you, I mean, get the caffeine part of it, but. Well, it's just because they want to stay up,

but then want a party and they want to go do things. I mean, that makes sense, but sorry, I was looking up something right now because I actually, I haven't, I have, I was addicted to sugar-free red wool. That was my jam. I loved it, but then I realized, okay, I have, I was addicted to sugar-free red wool. That was my jam. I loved it, but then I realized, okay, I gotta make a change. And I've never liked coffee in my entire life, but I found something called Hybrue, and it's like low calorie coffee drinks.

And so I switched to that. And they even sell them in health food stores. Hybrue, H.I. Hybrue, you can buy it on Amazon, but then some health food stores they sell them. And it's lots of caffeine in it and stuff. I mean, it works for me. Okay. That's good to know.

I just, I quit caffeine for two months just for fun and it wasn't fun. Yeah. So now I'm drinking it again. I just need it for them for the morning. How will you get up before I am on the WOD show? Three a.m. and then get to work at four a.m. I know, you know, it's weird that I often go to bed at three a.m. and I see you like on Instagram at three a.m.

and I want to just call you and say hi. What's going on? What's going on, men? Just working. But what is going on? Anything we're going to bring in our guest in it. But is there anything else I need to know about you? Last time we talked, we're just talking about festival seasons coming up.

Everyone's going to be having fun. Just please, people, just don't take X to see. It's not worth it. I just don't need another dead person in a festival. It just happens all the time. Because I have impure X anymore. It's like, yeah, just bad. And it does mess up your brain.

It really does. People think it doesn't. And there's so many times. It's like smoke weed eat edibles do something like that yeah that's fine all that stuff but it's just like every year you see about like this really young person that's super dehydrated that takes ecstasy and dies I know just don't just don't do it smoke weed do, I do, and consider going to Coachella. Do it. I don't know, just think it's so crowded. It is very crowded.

Thousands of people go. I like it though, man. I'm not with, I'm down with the music thing. So that's the latest, and just, you know, just planning a lot of trips throughout the year. The calendar is filling up. I know, you're so busy. I need to travel more.

It's on the list and moving and getting it done. When are we gonna hang out with your brother? I was just thinking about him the other day. Why? I was reading some news about Detroit, and out with your brother, I was just thinking about him the other day. Why? I was reading some news about Detroit, and I know your brother's a big deal in Detroit, and then I just started thinking about him, and I was like, when is he gonna come by again?

I miss that guy. Please, oh, you know what? I don't know what he's coming with. My ex-ister-in-law is coming with my three nieces at the end of the month, but that's not the time. Oh, really? What are they gonna do? How old are they?

Oh my God, you're big. I forget, because there were like little kids last time I saw my friend. Oh my God, they're good. Because there were like little kids last time I saw that. Oh my god, they're 16. Oh what? 14 and 7. How are you going to keep them busy? Well my sister-in-law's coming, so we're going to, she's going to keep them busy and I'm going to entertain them.

I don't know, I wanted to go see like TV shows and TV things that are for kids. Well, if you're coming to town and you have kids, you know, of course I always recommend Disneyland. Yeah. And then there's something that's really cool that people should go to. Not a lot of people know about it. It's the WB Tour at the WB Studios. It's really cool to get the walk on sets and go in the prop rooms and all kinds of stuff.

So highly recommend it. Not a lot of people know about it, but it's super fun. That's good. You can even go on the friend set and sit on the couch and take photos, all that kind of stuff. Oh, man, they love friends. Will you come with us entertain them? You're probably gonna get kids.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, my workshop there, I can probably do it. Ooh, I love it. Okay, well let's say hello to our guest, Hi Amy. Let's talk to him, Zach. I'm sorry, I'm bored. Amy Joe gottard was on the show. I don't know what I'm a Disneyland.

I don't know, was met us on on the last you were on like three years ago It's a sample scout it was t radio V when we were doing. Oh, yeah, yeah, I didn't get to do no because I I was working for Stitcher at the time. That's time. Yeah, so I can I can I can I go over there. Got it. So we did a show in San Francisco So that was it and then I just recently saw you at Shea. And congratulations on your new book. Thank you. Woman on fire, nine elements to wake up your erotic energy, personal power and sexual intelligence. Is it not with Red Bull?

We were talking about Red Bull. No, no. No, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Hopefully they won't ban my book on all right. They need it on college campuses, right? So and then last time you were on the show also you talked about your other book which was is very popular which I think that People love hearing but this is that lesbian sex secrets for men. Yeah, it just came out in second edition. Oh really? I've always said this is why I haven't read the book but is it just a guide for men because of because women know their own bodies of course and they know how

to deal with with other women. So there it is see you get it. You're preaching it for years. That's why I don't get it. Okay. When I keep doing my glasses he's like I understand what I'm the kid. I'm the kid. Okay, Emily. I think Souljaplasses, he's like, I understand why I'm mad at you. Okay, I was just like, look, Emily. What do you think of that? Well, those means have to teach me. I'm like, uh, no, I, I agree with you. I agree with you a thousand percent.

I think that is awesome. It's just, okay, Emily does blow job classes and I bet they are, I think amazing, but it's just like, I honestly would probably want to hear, I mean, I would love for you to have a gay guy Assistant who has a penis that would probably give a little more insight on giving a That's why I thought you'd be appreciate Amy Dose last book. Yeah, bringing up that first cover

First let's talk about yourself. Tell us a little bit about yourself I became interested in some of human sexuality people did not hear the podcast a few years ago Tell me how you gotten to this field? Yeah, I got into this field because like many people, I didn't have any information growing up about sex. And I went through a lot of really hard experiences. I talk about them in the book. You can read them there.

You know, all the stuff, unplanned pregnancies, pregnancy, scares, sexual assault, you know, my whole sexual life starting on consensually, all that stuff. Right, all that stuff. That's a good experience. So, you know, and I grew up with a dad who was a single parent of three daughters who's in the military. Oh, wow.

I'm sure he could even be there most of the time, right? There was no conversation about sex in my house. And so we moved a lot. And I went to three different high schools. I never got one Iota of sex education. My education was really kind of screwed up. I read the Scarlet Letter three times, but then there's books I never read.

And things like that. Right, so then you thought, I'm going to educate. I'm going to go to school for it. I'm going to start studying. Yeah, I mean, I came into my own sexual empowerment. Once I got the education that I had needed. And I was like, wow, why did I have to wait this long? Right.

And I was becoming a young feminist activist. And actually, I was doing radio and using radio platform for becoming more and more politicized when I was in college. And fighting a lot of the same fights were still fighting today, which is kind of crazy. Actually, we were doing a lot of work around reproductive health and justice we were doing a lot of work about you know the problem with sexual assault on our campus and then you know I knew that I really wanted to do work that would specifically empower women and girls and

then I finally kind of put that all together oh my god I want to do sexuality work. How do I do that? Right, exactly. This was pre-internet. I couldn't just be like, oh, where do I go study that? I went to the library, do you remember?

Yes, I do, of course. They had a lot of those little cards. The desk was a book, was it? My mom was a librarian. I remember all that. I got a name library. No, but it's weird, that's what we used to do. Imagine that. I know. Oh, he's

Oh, I started before we get too deep into it. You mentioned so you have two sisters, right? Now the path that you've gone on is have they you think they since they had a similar upbringing? They kind of went on the same path or is it totally opposite? No, I'm sort of the, you know, I'm the, you know, I'm the outside of the box one in the family. Uh-huh. One of my sisters is also, I mean, I would call her queer. I don't know if she calls herself queer.

I don't want to identify her that way. But, you know, we're more similar, I guess. And the other one is like living a more kind of traditional life. They both have two kids. And we've all kind of done well. Well, you say queer identifies queer then. Like I feel like everyone's like, you know, how

would you define a queer? Yeah, I always say if you want to know what queer is, you know, you ask 10 different queers. Yeah, that's a different answer. I never thought we're dead in a while. Like everyone's more about like, you know, saying that being more fluid or being more, you know, but it's queer. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time.

I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time.

I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time.

I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. I'm very politicized about sexuality. I didn't come to my own sexuality and also to my work in sexuality as just a profession. I came to it wanting to really shift something around gender, politics, and how we treat people's sexuality and human rights. So that's really my perspective. And a lot of young queers,

not always, always know the history. I was laughing with a friend of mine, Tristan Termino, who recently, because she said she heard at an event, she heard a young queer person say, no one over 40 identifies as queer. It's just like, really, you all did not invent that. Yeah, there was a group called Queer Nation that was very active when I was in college.

And so I took on that identity shortly after that when I came out. It fit for me because it is broader and I find you know I'm not offended if I'm called a lesbian or whatever, but that's not really accurate. Although I didn't publish that book. You know, most of my relationships are with women. Most are with women. Yeah, okay. So I'm with men.

Yeah. Yeah. I have male lovers. But you know, that's very, you know, even lesbian was a very political identity. No, it's true. It's all a total now. It's like you know even lesbian was a very political identity. No, it's true It's all up to now. It's like you never know right? Yeah, for me. It's about being outside of the box It's about living outside of the box in a lot of different ways and making those kinds of choices But since you know you started pre-internet and now I mean it's it's gone to the mainstream

What do you think still needs to be worked on? I mean, I'm sure there's a laundry list of things, but me. Well, I mean, right now, right? I mean, the Supreme Court is dealing with, you know, a case in Texas around abortion. I mean, we're still, right? I know. Abortion. It's insane. Women having control over their own bodies. I cannot believe we're still having this debate. I know. I can't believe we're still having the debate about sex education in schools. I cannot believe we're still having this debate. I know. I can't believe we're still having the debate about sex education in schools. I mean at least finally finally. Finally President Obama got rid of all of that abstinence only funding. It's like last week. Yeah. They do it to the vital term the final month, you know, months, the world. I mean thank goodness. You know, I'm Clinton signed that into, you know, I mean, we've been dealing with this for 20 years.

But yeah, it's unbelievable. And we know that it actually has not helped young people at all. There's no evidence that it's helped. So yeah, I mean, I think we still have a long ways to go. I think at least we can talk about it a little bit more, but I think there's still a lot of factions wanting to control people based on their gender and their sexuality

and that to me is the work. Yeah, it's true. Never ends. That's why we'll always be working here and have a job. But to anybody who's just going to be in a fire, right, if you'd always be listening and reading, tell me about what went on fire. So what influenced you to write this book and to focus on this particular topic in the book?

Yeah, most of my work is with women. I do work with men in some of my programs. Like, I do a lot of work around sex and money. I work with a lot of men in that work. I did my first book for men. But my work has really focused on empowering women over the last five or six years. And so the book is about my own journey of sexual empowerment.

It's about my, you know, there's a lot of client stories that are really rich in the book and that I think a lot of women will relate to. And it's my model of sexual empowerment. So the nine elements are a way of breaking it down. It wasn't like this intellectual process. Like I'm gonna come up with nine things. It didn't go that way.

It just sort of evolved that way. So talk about that, the core energy model of sexuality. I think sexuality is the core of our being. I think that we start from there, and we use that energy for everything we create in our lives. And I think we are here as creative beings. I think that's what we're meant to do. You're creating this podcast.

We all have creative endeavors in our lives. Things that we're creating families, we're meant to do, you're creating this podcast, you know, we all have creative endeavors in our lives, things that, you know, we're creating families, we're creating communities, we create art and music, we use that energy for all of those things. So that's my worldview. And so then I think we get to direct that energy, we get to use it to connect, certainly sexually, but also in

other ways, and to create the intimacy that we want. And in the ways in which we utilize that energy, sometimes those things empower us, and sometimes they disempower us. So, you know, an identity is one of the pieces that is in that model. At some point that part might be moot, but right now it's important. So what are you hoping that people will get out of this model that you think they don't get another from other sources? I haven't seen anyone break sexual empowerment down in a way that is palatable for people. The first chapter of the book is called The Big Round Ball.

And I call it The Big Round Ball because this woman said to me one day on the phone, who had been wanting to work with me for several years and we were talking, and she was trying to make the decision of how she wanted to move forward. And she said, you know, I just feel like my sexuality is this big round ball, and I don't know what to grab onto or how to get in. And I just thought, yeah, I think that's how a lot of people feel. They know they have work to do around it.

They know they want more. But it feels so overwhelming because it's so complex. And so I started the book with that. And then I broke it down into those nine elements so that there were lots of entry points for people. And those nine elements are the things that every client who has walked through my doors, we've dealt with, their voice, how they show up emotionally.

What do they need to release in order to make space for who they really are, desire, giving themselves permission, learning to play, really coming home to themselves, all of those things. And of course, fire. And so there's different ways we could break it down into me. That was the way that made sense when I looked organically at the work I'd been doing. Okay. And who do you think who was the target to you? Like who do you think would get the most out of out of the book? Everyone? Women who? I mean it's

hard, you know, I wrote it for and about women, but I think a lot of people can get a lot out of it. I mean, a guy in London read the book and then called me up and said, please coach me. Please work with, you know, and so, you know, I don't sign a lot of private clients who are men, but he had read the book and got so much out of it that he showed us. Because you're saying that most of us are like sexually broken? I think most people think they are. I don't say I'm okay.

I think people who feel they are sexually broken. So can you talk about that? Feeling you're sexually broken? I think most people think they are. I don't say I am. I think people who feel they are sexually broken. So can you talk about that feeling you're sexually broken? Yeah, I mean, I think that because sex is still so taboo and we aren't talking openly about it, we aren't getting real stories. I mean, we're getting this glossy sexualized culture, but we're not necessarily getting real stories unless we're listening to sex with Emily or we're not necessarily getting like real stories unless we're

listening to sex with them and we're listening to, you know, so your listeners are more than no. But I think by and large, people really think that their problems are like unique. Yeah, everyone else is like this. That's what always. They're in a lot of pain. I know. People are in a lot of pain. That's why it's great to have the conversation or to have books like that. He would be like, oh, I'm not alone. It's okay that I have low sexual desire. Because you talk about low libido and mismatch libido.

People just think that the first ones has happened to ever. They're like, oh, everyone else suffers from this. So making it more normalized and having information for them is very useful. So let's talk a little bit about low sexual desire. Because that's something that comes up a lot. And you cover in your book as well and how

prevalent it is in our culture. I mean I think that people are just like we get calls and emails and they don't know what the cause of it is and that there's something wrong with them and they don't talk about it so how much do you hear about it and how prevalent it is and how do you yeah it's definitely issues around desire are the number one thing people come to me with. And those... And they don't know how long they had the desire they had.

It can be that. It can be... I used to have it. It went away. What's wrong? I'm going through menopause. I think there's a problem. It could be...

You know, sometimes it's health issues that have gotten in the way or medications. You know, there's various things. It can be, I've never really had it. What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm missing out. I have never. And the rest of the world is having this experience that I'm not having. What's the matter?

And then a lot of times it comes up because there's a mismatch in relationships, like you said. Right. So how do you work with them on it? It really depends what the orientation is. I mean, part of it, I think, is accepting their own normalcy and looking in it. And I always use that word in quotes. Right, what is normal, right?

What's normal? Usually, I think, when we lack desires sexually, it can be multiple things. It can be, well, I don't have enough pleasure in the whole of my life. And so there's nothing that's actually, you know, fueling that sexual desire. There's nothing supporting that, right? If you're hate your job, you don't like what you're doing every day, you get up frustrated, you go to bed. Of course, you're not going to have desire. I think sometimes it's also the way couples are approaching

sex. It's like if you're trying to have sex at 10 or 11 o'clock at night after you've put the kids to bed and you've done everything else and you're exhausted, yeah, you're not going to feel a lot of desire. You're not going gonna feel very sexy. Exactly. And that's something that people also they beat themselves up.

Boy, I don't want it at that time. You just have to be, you know, compromising and negotiating, talking to your partner like, that's never gonna work for me. And as you probably, men just wakes up at 3 a.m. every day. And I don't think that you're a girlfriend probably wakes up at 3 a.m. with you.

No. You're not having a boarding sex? Yeah, no. I heard in the dog or out cold. Right. So a couple of this happens. You got to negotiate right and make up of it and it has to be part of your conversation.

Because people just don't know how to talk about it as we know. And you also have what healing from trauma and releasing sexual shame. Because that's another big issue, I think. Men and women have a lot, obviously, about a man on shame and trauma. And they just, like a lot of issues, Maron shame and trauma and they just,

you know, like a lot of issues we think we can just, you know, kind of sweep it out of the rug and it'll go away, but it doesn't. Yeah. It only gets worse, typically. It only does. Right, so how do you, what does it mean to think to be sexually empowered

and to help people through that? How do you work with them? You know, in, I have a women's sexual empowerment program and we address that Really head on in the first weekend of that program and a lot of You know what keeps shame in place is that we don't talk about it We don't tell the stories, you know We're in that place of like I'm so broken nobody else has gone through this So a big part of it is bringing it out and saying let's look at it

I mean a lot of times when a prospect calls me up and I talk to them or one of my team members talks to them on the phone, they're telling us stories they've never spoken before. They often haven't even told their partners. Because finally, there's someone they feel like is going to listen to them without judgment. And so that's such a big piece of what people need. And there's so much fear of being judged and so much fear that I'm going to be rejected. I think those are the two biggest fears

people have around sexuality. So I think those two fears keep the shame in place because people stay silent about that. And that's where they're not having great sex that they want because they are so afraid of being judged I mean if it's talking about fantasies drama fantasies anything that you desire a bed And we're so worried they're gonna be judged because people do judge. Yeah, that's true And sometimes we've had those experiences of like a partner saying something kind of messed up to us or

You know a friend saying what you're into that, you know, I mean a lot of the attitudes we got I know I know I know like he's like one person sometimes saying something really horrible to you sexually, you're into that, you know, I mean, a lot of the attitudes we get. I know, I know, I know like he's like, one person sometimes saying something and really horrible to you, it was sexually when you're young. Is that why you're suffering? That someone's feeling good, too? No. I'm just kidding. Okay, so we'll be right back.

We're gonna continue with Amy Joe Goddard in her book, but first I need to talk about the Vibratex magic wand, rechargeable. By now you all know you pretty well, and I love new experiences, but I also love my favorite things that I always come back to because I can trust them and I can't think of a better example than the magic wand. If you've been listening, you might remember that I actually had a hole drilled into my nightstand so my magic wand was always plugged in and ready when I needed it.

That is commitment. And I thought it was pretty ingenious, actually. But now you don't need to destroy your furniture because the magic wand is unplugged, it's rechargeable. It has four intensity levels, four intensity levels, four great vibration patterns. And for 30 years, the magic wand has been just about everyone's go-to misogyr.

Has a perfect size, high quality construction and materials. It's no wonder the Magic One is considered the Cadillac of all vibrators. If you don't own one yet, don't even go another day of your life, do you like it? Oh, could you not? Yeah, I do love it. It always has been.

I'm so thrilled. There's so many new models that are kind of modeled after, you know, can be original and thrilled about it. But they're really fiber text. I know, I know, I know. Yeah, I'm too. Yay. OK, so go to sectionalme.com, click on the magic wand banner,

and to order yours two day, because we love it. OK, so your book, Amy Joe Gardered, they can find you at AmyJoeGuarder.com, Yup. G-O-D-D-A-R-D. And this is all on my website as well. But at Amy Joe Gardered on Twitter and Facebook.com slash amyjo.org.coach.

Okay, so and then your book, we'll talk about that. And I would love to just also, I know that this is the lesbian sex secrets for Ben. You released an expanded second edition. So what is new in the book? A bunch of things. I like to know. It's so fun.

It's like, you often don't get the second chance, you know? Tell me, say, miss. And congratulations. Yeah, thank you. The book has sold so well that when I went back to Penguin Random House with the new book, they were like, wait, what? We don't have an e-book of lesbian sex secrets for men. I'm like, yeah, what's wrong?

So, yeah, it was great. We got to actually get a much better cover for it because I was hated the first time. I want to see it, okay. The cover's fabulous. And yeah, so I got to edit through and really update the language. I mean, it's 15-year-old book. Wow, okay. It came out in 2000. So I was a wee 29 year old at the time. So yeah, and then we added sections on things that weren't really happening. We added a lot of stuff about anal. Yeah, a lot of stuff about that. And then we added... Not that wasn't happening, because... Not that wasn't happening, yeah. I mean, we had a chapter on anal then, we just added

more to it. Right. And more stuff about technology and sex. And then one of my favorite sections we added, well, a couple, we added something on polyamory, because that wasn't really in the conversation at the time. I was doing it, but it wasn't me talked about it in the same way. And then we added a section for guys who are dating bisexual women.

Because we talked to so many of them over the years. And that can be a really big struggle. Absolutely. Glad. So what are you telling them? What's your advice? They're going to eventually leave you. No.

It does seem to be a dead end. Yeah. It does. It's tricky. It's not an easy thing for a lot of people and because sometimes what it comes down to is a woman having to make the choice of choosing the relationship or choosing her sexuality, which is the choice a lot of people get in whether they're bisexual or something. Because they might be in a sexless marriage where they're like, well, I could

stay with you and be in the marriage with you, or I could choose my sexuality and go have the sex life I want to have. Exactly. You know, I talk to people who are in that struggle all the time. So, you know, I think it's really about communicating it, negotiating it, figuring out what's going to work for both of you and whether there is a win-win. Sometimes that's something women really do need to explore. Right. And they're gonna eventually need to do it, whether they do it now or do it later, and so not having the conversation or addressing it, just again,

sweeps into the rug, and then it becomes that elephant in the living room at some point. Exactly. You got to figure out what kind of life you want to live. Yeah. I mean, but I think guys who attract those kinds of women tend to be awesome guys. All the ones I've known, I'm like, yep, you're an awesome guy. How would you describe that kind of guy? What's the similar traits? I think that they tend to have a little bit

of a better understanding of gender equity and what that looks like in a relationship. And I personally think, well. Better lovers, what? I think. Well, I think bisexual men are definitely better lovers. I don't know about the men who partner with bisexual women. Got it.

But what are some of the, can we just get into the sex tips real quick? So what are some of the most popular sex tips in the book? Or you think that we're really, like a lesbian needs to tell guys this, like about women's bodies. What would you think is a chapter or something that keeps getting brought up to you that people really enjoyed around the sex tips that you could share?

I think a big piece is really understanding the body and all the parts of the clitoris that never get talked about. I'm an anatomy geek. I love teaching anatomy and every time I teach it, people are like, what know I taught a class Pleasure chest recently about this So don't we know well, you know the clitoris I think we learned to think of it as like it's that little little button if I push it just right

Yeah, same an ecstasy, you know, it's not like that. So it's got you know all the same parts actually that Mail genitalia have. They're just organized differently. And so there's two large erectile, they're called chrera, or legs, that run underneath the labia. And so actually bringing a lot of blood flow, starting with a lot of blood flow into the entire vulva, brings a lot of that blood into all her rectile parts that are mostly inside. The only part you actually get to see is the clitoral head. She's got a shaft, she's got the legs.

There's all this spongy tissue. And so there's spongy tissue on every side of the vagina. And so that's all a rectile tissue. So even though a lot of women don't have orgasms through intercourse per se, a lot of their pleasure is derived from all of that... Are you right? I know, and I see people don't know, they don't know, right? I love that you're talking about this too, that it's not just about that.

The lady, I mean, there's so much. There's so much. So rich. And then, so when people really rush to intercourse, you're just, you're totally like bypassing, basically like bypassing the opportunity to really create a lot of pleasure for your partner. Because you know, and then what ends up happening is women start to think, oh, sex hurts or intercourse hurts, I want to avoid that because they've been with partners who aren't actually doing their due diligence bringing that blood flow getting the vagina ready to want it And so then they have a partner that starts avoiding it course

I'm like, what's wrong? I'm like, well, yeah In your return, not any more than right exactly Yeah, we're playing, we're playing It's not a suggestion Why? Yelling at me We don't have a lot of money You're the representation of my money We're playing for play. It's not a suggestion. Why? We're a requirement. We got to be talking about it. You're the representation of my memory.

Yeah, it's a lot of pressure. But one of us enters to me, Miles. First, how do they be? Amy, OK, we've got to meet Miles from the people. Thank you for emailing me feedback at sexwithm.com. I love hearing from you. It's awesome. And would you please also include your name,

how old you are, how you listen, which is so awesome. And okay, here we go. Sexual guilt, Emily. I've listened to your podcast recently and I've really connected with your show. It's incredible to be informative and insightful. Recently I've been struggling with somewhat of a weird issue that I haven't been able to get over.

I experienced a lot of guilt after having sex. The sex ranges from long-term relationships to one night stands. But every time I have sex, I feel this weird guilt bubble up inside me. And I feel like I did something wrong. I'm 24. This has been going on since I was 17.

I could really use some advice. Am I alone in feeling this? What insights do you have on this? Thanks, Martin. So Amy Jo, I thought you may be able to help me answer this question from Arton. Yeah, great question. I think a lot of people feel that way.

The shame of the guilt. Oh my God, people hold themselves back from so much pleasure and joy because of feeling guilty. Right, how can we agree exactly all the time? I mean, Martin, I think guilt is a wasted, it's wasted energy. It's such a waste. I think guilt really does nothing for us, but makes it so bad. So think guilt is a wasted energy. It's such a waste. I think guilt really does nothing for us,

but makes it so bad. So, waste is with a wasted emotion. It's not even an emotion, though. It's like it's a waste of time. Yeah. It is. Truly. I think, you know, I don't know what specifically,

did I miss it? Did he say anything specific of what he's feeling guilty about? Just every time he has sex, ever since he was 17, he's about guilt after. It's just guilt. Yeah. I mean, it makes me me curious what happened when you were 17 like well that's what I want exactly I think that there might be some trauma or some yeah parents I said look at a bit like my mom who said if you're gonna have sex

you're gonna get a pregnant from the first time like just messing with your head you know yeah and you say like every single time it could be a relationship or one night stand. So I think there's going to be some more care trying to figure out what happened at that age. Yeah, I mean, what was the genesis of that? What's really the core, like what's underneath the guilt? Because it's really not about the guilt. It's about something happened that you never made peace with or gave yourself permission for.

Exactly. I really want to encourage you to figure out that thing and then just, I think you have to give yourself permission. That's one of the elements in the book. It's like we need so much permission to just be who we are, the sexual people. I know. And like what we like.

And not- It's okay, there's no normal, don't compare yourself. I know exactly. It's so true. And I would say, yeah, I mean, and also this might not be something, give yourself permission, but this might not be something that he could work out on his own. So I would say, yeah, I mean, and also this might not be something to give himself permission, but this might not be something that he could work out on his own.

So I would say, you know, get some support. Get some support. Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay, we got another email. Hey, Emily, fellow Wolverine here. Hell yes. Hell yes.

Hell. Hell in the victors. My school, 20-year-old female and listen religiously on the iTunes app. I appreciate everything you do to help make our society more sexually knowledgeable and your co-hosts advice has definitely educated me and approved my sex life. Now, of course. All that said, I have a dilemma. I would love your guidance on. I've recently started dating a guy 29 who's absolutely incredible. We clicked almost immediately and learned quickly that we were very sexually compatible. I've never been so consistently aroused just thinking about a guy

and let alone when we're actually together. My problem is when we became Facebook friends, I discovered that he still has several pictures of his ex-girlfriend posted, despite telling me that he had been single for quite some time. Well, this is somewhat of a red flag. My main concern is that she's incredibly beautiful girl,

great body, gorgeous face. I'm no droggle-dyte or anything. I just have a lot of insecurities related to stretch marks from weight loss and scars from abuse. I also have the problem of being a unicorn who thoroughly enjoys getting turned on or enjoys slash getting turns on by having giving head. And I worry that perhaps he's settling for me as a reflection of what he actually wants, which is her, the X. Is there any way to approach these insecurities without seeming like a crazy person?

If there is a male present to weigh in, how aware are men of these flaws that women obsess about? I do my best to give up confidence when we're intimate. As I know, this is the key to sexiness, but I can't help but wonder if he is constantly comparing me to what he had before and he help you can give would be greatly appreciated You're so wonderful. Thanks again Maddie

Oh Remember the days before pre-internet guys. Yeah, this is just she she got all that from photographs on Facebook From next door fine. Right. Yes. One picture. Right. All that It's all right. Yeah. Yeah. Whole backstory. Yes. One picture. All that. It's all a story. Yeah. Whole backstory. Yeah. I. Do you think that men are that

concerned she's worth the stretch mark? She's worried about. I. I. And you know when I speak it's I'm speaking for all men. No, guys. No, guys.

Yeah, I think it's good. I get sued. Think about that stuff at all. They don't care. They're just happy to be there. Yeah. I'm able to be with you. It't care. They're just happy to be there. Yeah With you happy to be having sex with you happy to be receiving philatio You know all the stuff is being made up in your head all its insecurities

Like you should not if he wanted to be with that person He would go be with that person or he would be with somebody similar to whoever that girl is in the six photographs you know exactly exactly yeah you'd be worrying about it way too much you need to be present in your relationship and you're you're causing problems I think she's advertising it she was just way looking for something because these are already bubbling up below the surface how long were they've been together I don't know. Did I say?

Are they three years into relationship? And he still has. Three cents. Three cents. Okay. I'll tell you this. I never even check my Facebook messages. The thing is full.

Right. I'm not going back. I'm not going back into my photos. I'm going to be dead now. I'm not even thinking about that at all. Right. I mean, I think she's just letting her insecurities get the best of her. Of course, but she was being dishonest.

Like I was going to say, if you're three years into your relationship, and yeah, maybe the photos are still up there, you might have a front. Even that, right. You know, this idea that we come into a new relationship and suddenly I have no past. I've noticed that. I've noticed. And I've never, I mean.

I mean, that's my dream. Good for you, like, you have this hot guy who used to be with this other hot woman. And now he's with you, like, obviously, you've got something going on. You're going to mess it up. You're basically just throwing a grenade into your relationship.

Right. I mean, he's a comparison game. He never gets it anywhere. No. It's just, we have to stop doing that. We do. And women do this so much. I don't know if it is bad for men.

I don't know. We didn't do it all the time. And we're taught to compete as well. So I think that's a part of it. But it's really something I work with women on in my sexual empowerment programs. Because you cannot be empowered and Be tearing other women down or constantly comparing yourself and tearing yourself down

That is not an empowered place and everyone has their own thing to offer Why would you do this to yourself? He gets to have pictures of people. I'm not gonna give up pictures of my past relationships That are exactly that are memories for me or people that were important in my life and might still be. There's nothing wrong with that. And this is all based on her own interpretation of what happened. Yeah. I don't know why women. I think, oh sorry. No, people always talk about how, especially being in LA, I'm not saying this doesn't happen everywhere, but I remember, I don't know, it just because it's such a LA is a different world in some ways about like looks and celebrity, but I wasn't just

brought up this way. I'm not a, I'm really not a competitive person. I don't, I don't, I'm lefty, I mean, I always say I have other issues, but I'm not like a, I'm always like a, let's all bring each other up, big women up. But I do think that it comes up all the time here, people saying, are there, do you find the women really caddy or are they really competitive? And I don't remember people asking me that in San Francisco. I just am not saying that whatever happens everywhere.

But I do think it's something that, I mean, if you can get women just to focus, you know, it's a confidence thing, you get them to look it and celebrate themselves. And, but it's just, I think it's just really hard, because it's always in your face, especially now with social media and Instagram. And you're looking at everything. And it's just, it's just not helping because it's always in your face, especially now with social media and Instagram and you're looking at everything and it's just not helping the women and men haven't felt insecure since the beginning of time. Yeah, like I was going to say, I think guys would, yeah, some will stew over that, but they will get over it eventually within a few days.

They're not going to really bring it into the relationship, you know, because again, I think at the end of the day, they're really happy just to be with you. Yeah. And again, I'm speaking for all men. Right. Thank you. Whenever insecurity in a relationship comes up with clients that I'm working with, I always have them look at, is the insecurity in yourself or is it in the relationship?

Right. Because I think that's a very, very important distinction to make. Is he really doing anything that is giving you great pause and saying, wow, there's a problem here? It doesn't sound like from what she wrote. There it is. So then that's really her work to do. You've got to do your work on your own insecurity

and not project that onto him. If you do, you will lose the relationship, because that's not sexy. Right, not sexy at all. It's really not. You don't want to get mad and be nagging or why do you have the picture? I mean, that is sabotaging it.

So how would you work with her, for example? I think to really look at what is it bringing up in you? I think you have to get underneath that. And I think it's about her own body and security and working on loving her body. And I mean, and I think it's about her own body and security and working on loving her body. And I mean, and I think there's also a piece where she's afraid to let herself actually have the pleasure that she's having. And I think that people run from pleasure.

They feel like the last guy, you know, feeling guilty about pleasure. We feel guilty about feeling good. We are meant to feel good. Pleasure is a gift from spirit, from the universe, from God, you know, whatever you believe in. It is a gift. We are meant to feel good. Pleasure is a gift from spirit, from the universe, from God, you know, whatever you believe in. It is a gift. We are meant to feel that. We are meant to feel that.

Why would you put something in the way? She talks about how she's so excited, and she's thinking of him. I mean, awesome. It's our brains, our imagination. I can't be too happy. It's all down. Right.

How can I mess this up? Yeah, exactly. So, you know, we all have that saboteur inside of us, you know, so I would work with her on that saboteur And you also see people so they should definitely get your book woman on fire and Please get her book. It's gonna and Amy Joe's book will also it may be on my website But would you prefer them to go to Amy Joe Goddard dot common by it Amazon? Wherever you want to buy it. Wherever books are sold online. I love it.

And it really is a great book. And it's so you support your local bookstore. That's really my favorite place. We go to buy books, but it's available online. You can't even have books. There's no law anymore. Do they not? We done with that.

I think I saw one once. I think around the business. That one is still in Venice Beach. I love that one on the boardwalk. I always go in. Oh yeah. I love that. I know there's one in the mission of Sarah and Sisko. Yeah. I'm so sad. Yeah.

But libraries, bookstores, what's that? Cool. What? I'm so sad. But thank you so much for being back on the show. Great having you, Amy Jo, Goddard, and everyone check out your book and follow you on all your social media. Amy Jo, Goddard. Is there anything else that we anything else you'd like to say? Yeah, you know, I just did this video series that people love. So if anyone wants to grab it, it's an erotic evolution video series and there's a three part or four part video series and they can download it on my or access access it on my home page. Okay.

It's a great, what is it teach? I talk about how to really have more sexual self-acceptance, which both of the people who wrote it. Yes, perfect. And those are the two we wrote today. And those are the two we wrote today. So the first video is a lot about that. Gosh, what else do I talk about?

There's a bit about sexual shame looking at the cultural traps we get into and the ways in which we hold ourselves back sexually, and then there's a whole piece on the sexual voice and really understanding the interplay of the inner and external sexual voice and how that either empowers or disempowers us. So really good stuff in there. Congratulations, and now you're success.

You're helping a lot of people do great work. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me on. Of course, thanks for coming to talk to you, Emily. You're so fun. We gotta come back. Yeah. Thanks for being here, and thank you, Menace.

Thank you for being here and being the voice of all men. Oh, yeah. I speak for all men all the time. I know. You're gonna hate male men. You're gonna be like, I don't care. I'll just add it to the file. We don't get as much anymore.

Now that it gets menace. You know what, my team and I are always, every time we get hate mail, we got some crazy thing today. We're like, you know what, we're doing something right. Exactly. I'm just taking it all. You can't take it all in. Right, but I like the love mail better.

But it's cool. Thank you, Madison. Thank you, Nina. Over there, in Ternina, she's controlling the Snapchat because you can find us now at sector Emily on Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, it's all at sex-themely. Facebook.com, social.com, social.com, friends. Friendster. And YouTube channel.

All this fun stuff. And Mattis is at Mattis. At Mattis on Instagram. And my dog's shirt. And my dog's shirt. Should I get my dog Pepe on Instagram? If you want to get Pepe on Instagram, we should do it. Can Pepe just join Shiro on Instagram? Can you be like my dog's

Pepe and Shiro then you could just take over? Well then I could be fine. But her username is like, that's what I want to know. Oh yeah. Shiro. How is Shiro's ex life? Uh, she's still young. Oh, does she? Yeah. She minds a he. I've always said she forget I forget I think all dogs are he's offended. Don't be offended. I do it all time. Don't be offended. I don't want to offend you. Let's show I shocked you now. I'm offending you. Yeah Oh geez, it's time to go then. Okay managing relations. Yeah, it's so hard. Okay. Well, thanks everyone for listening was it good for you? Email me feedback at sex with Emily dot com We back at saxofamely.com. Okay, one thanks for listening to the show. Let me ask you a question.

Are you getting enough? I bet you'd love a little bit more, right? Well, Adam and Eve.com wants to give you more with 10 free gifts. First, you get a sexy surprise for her and especially a selected toy for him. And third, a little something we know you'll both enjoy. Plus, plus, we'll get six full length adult movies on DVD. And number 10, free shipping on your entire order. Because who the hell wants me for shipping?

Nobody to get your free gifts, go to adamanief.com, select just one item. You can get the Jimmy Jane Hello Touch, sexy pieces of lingerie. You can get a lube. You should always buy a high quality lubricant. We love uber lube or pure. They're all great. Just enter Emily at checkout, get your 10 free gifts. Go to adamaniv.com, use code Emily at checkout and get 10 free gifts. Let me tell you a little bit about promessant. Did you know one in three men suffers from premature ejaculation? Well, now you don't have to. Promessant is a quickly absorbing delay spray that allows you to have the sex you want. You can focus on actually

having sex and not trying to be inside your head so you can focus on your partner's hot body so you're not wearing what we're causing if you use promessing. It also closes the arousal gap between men and women even if you're not don't suffer from premature ejaculation but you just want to last longer. It is the only FDA-true approved treatment Treatment for Preventer ejaculation. It doesn't transfer to your partner. Check it out. Go to promessant.com.

Thanks for listening.