Sex With Emily - Are You Speaking My Love Language?

Episode Date: December 26, 2019

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about the love languages –because there are so many ways to give and receive.She talks about how figuring out each other’s love languages can immensely help make your relationship stronger, why it’s important for both people to make an effort in fixing a relationship, and how learning to love going down on each other can be one of the best steps you take in your sex life. Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about the love languages because hey there are so many ways to give and receive. Topics include why figuring out each other's love languages can immensely help make your relationship stronger and it's easy to do. If you're single, challenging yourself to just say hi to people and making connections. Why it's important for both people to make an effort in fixing a relationship and how learning to love going down each other can be one of the best steps you take in your sex life? All this and more thanks for listening. Man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. So, I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships,

and everything in between. Check out our website, sexwithemily.com. We've got tons of information up there. Tell you have the sex you deserve. And all of our social media is sex with Emilyily.com. We've got tons of information up there. Tell you have the sex you deserve and all of our social media is sex with Emily across the board. All right, guys, enjoy the show and Merry Christmas. I was saying that I was out.

And a guy just came up to me at Airwine and was like, hi, and I said, hi. And we just started talking and gave him my number. And I think we often forget, because we're so distracted by our phones and we just think it's weird almost or creepy to say hi but then just saying hi it's a great way to meet someone. So David said I went to Air One last night and I said hi to people. So I'm just saying, but you didn't meet anyone. No, but it worked. Oh, it wasn't

intention. You don't have to set the intention. I'm not saying you're all looking to meet someone, but if you are, set that intention. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you are believing in your mind that there's no one out there, there's no single people, no one likes me, I won't do the apps. There's people everywhere. And if we just go up, we just, because there's no pick up lines, you don't have to be anything. You're not just saying, hi. How's your day? Notice something happening in the environment Yeah, like oh, I've never knew Starbucks had chocolate muffins

Did you and then you're waiting in line at Starbucks and you're like no, but I like their eggs sandwich There's a conversation No one talks I like that. Yeah. I do that most easily at airport bars. Yeah, because you're drinking. How about bars? No, but you're right away. Well, no, but you've been just saying.

I like just bars. Well, I don't really go out to bars by myself that much. Okay. But at the airport, that's where I hang out, traveling alone. No, it's great. And then you know, I might never see you again. And if we end up having sex, and I use protection, it's a good story. Really interesting conversations with people that are about to travel. I just think. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, well, this guy who was like all of a sudden talking about like how when people go to Mars, they're not going to take all like the hip-hop artist. Like, Cardi B's not going to be on Mars. And I was like, if Cardi B's not going to be there, I'm not going to be there. Okay, but here's my problem with that. If I'm at the airport, I'm so happy that I have a moment alone that I don't want that in my head about Cardi B's not gonna be there, I'm not gonna be there. Okay, but here's my problem with that. If I'm at the airport, I'm so happy that I have a moment alone that I don't want that in my head about Cardi B because I've got so many things that I gotta like figure out or breathe. And then I gotta have that on me and think about Cardi B

and talking to someone I'll never see again. I don't care. Then I don't get to choose what information is going into my brain. And then I'm all distracted. But so to me, I get on the airplane, I like put my headphones on, I like don't look left, I don't look right, I'm always on the aisle

and I will not talk to you. But some people like to do the grocery store, whereas you like talking to people at the grocery store. I don't love talk, I'm saying say hi to people when you're out, but not at the airport. Yeah, I don't know, I'm just saying a difference. Some people like to be serious. You're right.

That's all right. Find your place and talk to people. You're right. Airplane's not. But maybe maybe I'm missing some guy next to me that could be maybe I'm shutting myself off too much. Maybe I should flip the sweat. You know, say like I think I could use I should like wear makeup and get all dressed up for the airplane for the airport. are, could be next to someone hot for six hours. Okay, anyway. So last night after the show, after the amazing show, I did a with a friend and haven't seen him in a while.

He's married, he has two young kids. They probably even married for like 10 years. We were talking, talking. He just looked at me and he's like, what is anyone really happy and marriages? And I'm like, yeah, I think some people are happy. Not everyone's miserable. It's like, okay, what is anyone still having sex?

Like, who has sex all the time? I'm like, I hear what you're saying, because a lot of people have that view that no one's happy. Marriage is all fall apart, and I think many couples struggle, obviously, with their sex life, with their relationship, with dating, with love. Yeah, because their relationship, but dating, with love. Yeah, because I'm happy.

Yeah, I know. And I'm married. You're the outlier. Oh, no. You are happy. I am happy. I'm very happy. And do we have sex all the time?

I have to say, listening to your show helped me make sure I had sex more. Because I did put it off, because you would say, don't think of it as a chore, and I was like, crap, I do that. Oh, that's right. There wasn't any other light bob. I was like, crap, I do that. Oh, that's right. They're one thing you do light bob. You're like, oh, chore, chore, yeah, sure.

And I totally did, and I totally did think that. And it's like, but when you're in the mood, you're gonna have fun. I was like, that's so true. And then I was like, you know, I am gonna give my husband more blow jobs because it's not something that I usually would do. And so it so has helped.

Yeah, because I didn't, I wasn't doing that. And I just were like, kind kind of it's a job. I already have a job buddy. One of the weeks fine. He's lucky. And now what have you up your blow job count to? Oh, definitely every single time. And longer because I used to do like okay.

He holds in and out. Let's go. Tweak the balls. Right. Right. Yeah. Now I'm actually like sucking his balls and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna do it and it is enjoyable.

I do like it. So I was like, you know, I just need to stop being in a negative way about this. Right. Good. So that was a little switch and you're already happy when we met you a month ago. Two months ago. Yeah. Three months.

Three months. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Right is time anyway. Right. I know. I love this. So you've already had the Brent Steve our producer in New York.

It's like that same thing. Like after working on the show, he started to make improvements. So that's awesome. And I want to know from you, actually, if you're in a happy place, where would you actually, if you don't need any improvements on your sex life at all, call me. But also, if you're like listening to this going, you know what?

We're happy, but we're not having great sex. So we've been stuck in this certain place. Call me, Triple Eight, 94 stars, or Triple Eight, 947, 827, 7. What about those couples that are just convinced? Like, convinced that they're completely happy. There's no room for improvement, but they're also not having sex. But they're completely fine with that. I rarely find a couple like that. In fact, if you are a couple and you guys have both decided to consciously, on sex,

I was trying to think of like, like, I'm just a couple and like, you decide to consciously stop sexual relations with each other and everything's great. And nobody's like sleeping with someone else or getting it elsewhere or You know, you're just fine with it and every you don't even miss it. You're both great and you're not like you're In an age let's okay. Call me an age right. It's fine. Call me with anything tripellate 947 8277 but with that if you yeah, you're both happy. It's great. Are you decided? No, and I'm thinking about we gave that up know, spring in 2016 and we haven't looked back. There's been no sex, no penetration. And things are great. Call me.

Triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. Well, but I will bet though that if that couple is out there and they're calling and they're saying that and they're not having sex, Interesting that they're listening to the show. That's a good show. You look funny though. You're right. There's so many people who have made that. They're like, I love it because I have a podcast.

We have a thing that when you send a question and you guys can do this as well, feedback at sexwithmly.com. There's a field that says, field. You know, the era, it says, how did you hear the show? And it's like, serious XM. You know, I heard about during a podcast, and people like, just, just look in for podcasts,

like, oh, I was just kind of flipping the, like, we weren't searching for anything. Like, flipping every bottle. Some people literally like, oh, it's flipping through channels. They literally write that. Right. But they, like, oh, serious XM. What they could be.

No, I'm serious, I believe they were flipping through channels, but the podcast is when they would be like, they'd be like, well, I was stumbled upon it. Like, how did you stumble upon it? It's a pile into my lap pack. You were like, you were something sexual. It's true, you guys. Yeah, how did they find it?

So if you are, and also, yeah, what does it mean to be? In a happy relationship. Yeah, how did they find it? So if you are and also, yeah, what does it mean to be in a happy relationship? Yeah. I mean, I guess it takes, it does take like each other to work on it. It's not just one-sided. So I do see that too. So some people probably feel or maybe they don't that everything's fine, but maybe have they asked? And this is what I ended up doing. I was like, I'm gonna ask him how he feels and if it is enough. And you guys have been together how long? 11 years. 11 years.

So during the last few months, you said, hey. I decided I was gonna reflect on myself because I've done this through after therapy and everything. And I was like, you know what, I should still keep reflecting on my marriage and making sure things are better. Because ever since Nick got sober, I was like, oh, things have been so much better.

And I'm like, you know, I set my boundaries with him and everything that I went through with Alonon and now like finding out, but wait, I'm still not thinking of our marriage. That's what I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking like together. Because, you know, even with Alan, it's like, you know, you need to focus on yourself. Make sure you're happy with things

in yourself. And so I was doing that, but I wasn't also thinking, right, how do I make sure? Because the marriage, the relationship is a separate unit. That's like the other part of the triangle. There's like the both of you independent, you and Nick. And then there's the how do I, it's like you both got to give energy towards that. And typically in relationships, there's one person that is trying to make an effort. And another person just has doesn't. They haven't really gotten the memo yet that relationships are work.

Or they've decided just not to, I've choose that my work is more important or whatever it is. So that you decided to say, hey, let's talk about it more. Yeah, because I realized that he actually was putting an effort, but I wasn't putting effort. Wow. And then I, I, I, I, I look like, give an example of him making an effort.

Well, so he would, he always make sure to take me to dinners when he, when I am interested, or he'll like, give me little massages, or, you know, he'll, bring home flowers randomly. And so it's like these little things and I was just feeling like oh thank you thank you you know but I'm also words of affirmation right so it's like saying like well I like when you tell me like oh you know asking me about my day and those kind of things and those were the things and when we were talking about it's like yeah gifts are nice and I do like gifts but it's like no I love hearing wow so you weren't feel so you weren't be inspired you were kind of feeling not as loved by him right and love languages

Wow So it helped a lot in that sense and then having the conversation like what what can I do to help? Understand you because I wanted it to I started out with me first to be like okay This is what you know I like but what can I do for you because it's so hard to get things out of him like it's like pulling teeth Okay, and it could be some of his PTSD from military whatever I'm not gonna psychoanalyze him But what can I do for you? Because it's so hard to get things out of him. Like it's like pulling teeth. Okay. And it could be some of his PTSD from military, whatever, I'm not gonna psychoanalyze him. But regardless, it's like-

Not in the first segment. Right. But still, that's what I realized. I was like, okay, I do need to actually see what he needs to. Okay, and then he shared with you what he needed. And so speaking of love languages, I think that's such a great entree for so many couples. Like the first step is like, oh, it's so you can kind of figure it out. His is his gifts. he kept or it's probably acts of service because he kept

a nice things for you. I think it's acts of service. Yeah, but the words thing is an interesting one because I've been through that as well with my partner wasn't you know, we need to hear all the words like he could kept doing all the other things for me fixing my car or helping me buy a car which was acts of service and helping me with with gifts but he wasn't telling me how hot I was and how much he loved me, how proud he was or whatever I needed to hear. Are you just amazing and smart and funny? Have I told you how funny and nice you? All the time. Yeah.

So you just got, just others, they just weren't talking. Yeah. It's important. Yeah. So you can get all your needs met. Just know how to talk about it. Do you think that there's any specific love languages that are harder to try to do for your partner if it's not inherent to you.

Yeah. Because I feel like, for me, like, I love physical touch, but I feel like that wasn't someone's love language. It would be really hard to remember to do that. That's the hardest. I believe out of the five. Does everyone know the love languages too? We're just kind of going off on this, but words of affirmation. So there's usually there's five, but I want to get back to this one because that's the hardest one. Should we take a break and explain and we come back?

I'll explain so little though. Five loving, like five love languages. Typically, there's five ways we experience love. There's five that we could. And when I explain this to you, think which one feels the realist to you? Like, oh, yeah. So let's say your partner comes home and they buy you a gift. They were walking down the store and they're like, I thought that they shoes one time you

thought they were beautiful and I bought them for you. Does that make you feel really loved by your partner? You know, your car got a flat tire and when you woke up in the morning, your partner went out and they fixed the tire before you woke up and you're like, wow, they took care of the, you know, they took care of the acts of service. They did something around the house that made you feel good. And then there's the words, baby, you're doing a great job. I appreciate you. I love you, everything that you're doing.

And then there's physical touch. You know, you want to be cuddling and touching and kissing. And you want a lot of, like when you're out, you're holding hands. When you're on the couch watching Netflix, you're like touching it. It's important to you. And then we've got quality time, which is, that's a tough one too, if you have no time.

Like I don't have a lot of time. But you want your set night, Saturday night, that's your date night, you know, there's no cell phones and it's usually a long date or maybe it's a whole day that you want together. There's no interruptions, prioritizing time. And then acts of service, gifts, gifts, we did them all. Yeah, five. Those are all the five love languages. Take the quiz, we'll put it in the show note

at sexwithmly.com. Okay, we are going to take a very quick break and we come back, we're gonna get into your calls. We have Alex, 39 of Pennsylvania, who wants to know what his love language is. Oh, Alex. Hi, Alex. Yes. Hi.

Hi. What do you think it is? Did you hear me go through them? I did, but now I'm confused because now I will like you because I have. I don't know if I can't ask a question. Ask anything. Literally you can ask anything. But let me I can ask a question. Asking the same question. Literally, you can ask anything. But let me just reset for a bit.

I do want to know if the love languages have helped you a few questions you can call me, but of course, call me with anything, AAA9478277. OK. Go ahead. Yeah. Alex. So I was in this relationship, and we

got to the point that you were talking about before, like sex wasn't good or not existing and then that and everything went to zero. So it was so bad that I didn't know what she wanted. Right. Okay. She didn't know what I wanted because she was not communication. Right. People don't communicate. Okay.

So where are you at now? Now you're trying to figure out your love language or is this? Yeah. I would like to know if I was wrong or what happened because I never knew. I never knew. Oh wait, you never, because you didn't know what hers were to give to her and the relationship. No, no, because we weren't together for a while. Okay.

But after a point of time, then I'd like, I don't know, things stopped working. Okay, Alex, so do you want to know your love language? Which one of those spoke to you? Like, what felt you like, I wish my partner, you know, how do you like it? I would, I like to hurt your show? Like you said, if you stop and get like a gift or a card or a gift or something like me, it could be gifts or it could be acts of service. Like you want her to like think about something that's important to you. Like, you know, yeah, like help around the house or like fix things for you or help you,

you know, reach a goal that's important to you. So anyway that it could be acts of service. So if your partner is doing nothing like that she just keeps telling you you're great, she's buying you gifts might be her leveling good might be gifts but you're like I just want you to you know help me you know figure out my life or whatever helping with my job, helping with my company, helping my office help me around the house you You know, so that's- I think she doesn't like it. Well, here's the thing. Okay, so this is where we're getting to.

Here's the point of the love languages. Here's the kicker. It's not so easy. Like, oh, because typically we have one primary and then there's a second one. And the other three take them or leave them. That's typically how the love languages go down. Well, what happens is how we, so I'm like words

of touch, words of affirmation and physical touch. Now, let's say my partner is gifts and quality time. Well, he's going to keep giving me gifts and spending time with me. And I'd be like, I don't care about that. You haven't told me how great I am. So we typically give love the way we want to receive it. Meaning that we just keep missing it with our partner. We're like, but I'm doing all these things. I'm buying gifts and I'm touching her. So what if I was then showing that part that you think, and then I know you see if anything never, ever. Well, because you never talked about it. So now in your next relationship, you can take the love language quids, go to sexwithamely.com, click on the show notes, and we have a quiz

there. And you take that and then call me back with your question after you take it. Alex, then we can sort this out. Thank you for calling. Appreciate it. It's hard. I mean, like you're trying to get it. It takes three seconds. Yeah.

It's to me for many couples, I have a lot of different modalities that I work with, different questions to ask and different kind of philosophies and therapies that could work, but just a basic one. To start, if you're having a lot of resentments in your home, a lot of tension, you can't quite figure your feeling, maybe you resentful of your partner, maybe you're feeling rejected, and you can't figure out why. Sometimes it's a great place to start. It's just take the quiz. I feel like Cosmo take the quiz, but it's actually a really friggin good one. Yeah, it's not like you, like, and then- It's like a good starting point. And it's like, I was so funny, it was out at the bar, like with my friends, like a couple months ago and I had them all take it.

And we were just out at the bar, they're like, what? And I was like, you're all in a relationship, just go do it. I'm the only single one and I'm the only one that knows mine. I just felt as weird. No, it's true. That's why I have to explain. I was at a party and there was, I never bad anyone at the party.

It was like 10 people and it was all couples, but I started explaining it and you could tell the two of them. It was, sometimes I'm a good party trick. Like everyone take the quiz. Like Emily's here. Woo, Dildo's for you. And I'm throwing loop samples. But for them, you could tell it was like, it struck a nerve

because she wanted the words And he didn't you could just tell like he's like well she never touches me like oh god All right, we have Jeff 36 in Canada who wants to ask about love languages, okay, hey Jeff things are calling How they're going great how can I help good? I'm just calling about your love languages thing I'm a bit confused and I've only just turned your show on first time I've ever heard welcome, but Yeah, thank you. So like in my opinion in my experience I was under the assumption that if a person is intelligent and they love you They do all of those things wouldn't they because like maybe they're not handy

But they might they say I'm taking the car for a drive. I got to go do something at work and then they surprise you by getting it cleaned out or something Right and why wouldn't they rub your like why wouldn't they rub your back at night also end-cut tell you how much they love you Why would it and wouldn't a relationship kind of be lacking if they just did one or two of those things and left the others out? Well, absolutely and here's a thing Jeff is that We do all of those things in a relationship. I mean, I think there might be even if it's like once a year you buy your partner the most fabulous birthday gift,

or twice a year, like the holidays and a birthday. But if that's her love language, she wants gifts all the time. She wants you to bring her home her favorite dessert that you saw. She wants you to pick up something special that you saw. She wants them all the time. But some people don't get it filled in the gift of an after-beats yeah but what I'm saying is that point is it's the quantity but sometimes

we we are lacking so you're right are you in a relationship yeah and that's the thing is I I surprised her with stuff all the time and then at night time I mean I'm a big baby I'm 36 but at night time I love my back I'm a big baby. I'm 36, but at night time, I love my back rub. It helps me go to sleep and I rub hers first. She rubs mine. Well, my point, I guess is just like when they say 50% of marriages fail, I kind of wonder like, is this why? Because there's their needs to be shows.

And I'm actually enjoying your show. Oh, I'm so glad. This is why. Yes, Jeff, you are the outlet. I'm so glad that you and your wife are fulfilling each other's love languages in all these places, but I'm telling you, a lot of marriages are in trouble. There is a crisis.

People aren't getting married and they're not having sex and they never talk about it, Jeff. So welcome to the show. So I've been doing a podcast on this for 15 years. Yeah, people call in. So most people, many people are challenged around communication, around sex. They've been with their partners sometimes for 20 years, Jeff, and they've never talked about their sex life.

Not once. So basically just a business relationship, not love. Yeah, essentially, there's not love. Yeah, sometimes, well, sometimes it becomes that way, but usually the thing is, Jeff, they wish, sometimes they wish they're having sex or one of them wants more sex than the other one, and then it gets messy. And then they don't have to talk about it, so keep listening, Jeff. I guess, you know, so... Oh, I definitely will. I definitely will. And I wish everybody out there the best, but I mean, if you're in love, it should come naturally to want to rub some of these back or tell them...

No, Jeff, I get it. Keep listening. You're right. And some people don't want to be touched, though, Jeff. Thanks for calling. I got to get back to the love languages. I see all your calls coming in. I just wanted to welcome I wish I could know that was great I wish I could get my toy or something right now I wish I could be like here's a sticker but but like but you know what I'm saying because it's just it's amazing that he's so happy you know that he's like it doesn't everybody do that but he just started listening hmm we're gonna if there's something I'm sure every couple's got something to work on I think and

love languages can be a good place to start. But you can call me with any of your questions at all anything at all Triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven bill 50 in California wants to know how he can find out his wife's Leveling which is hey Bill Hi, hi, thanks for calling Thank you for being on the show It's like right at my alley right now. I've been married 16 years and my wife over the last few months has... Well, she transformed herself.

You know, she lost a lot of weight. She's been an avid runner, which is great. She looks fantastic. I can't keep my hands off her, but she won't let me touch her anymore. And she's with drawn herself completely and uh... i brought her flowers recently your sex life is gone down to nothing uh... my teller i love her that i miss her

and i just want her attention and and but she said that what you say that what did she say she just kind of says that you you know, while we moved, we moved that down to Southern California. My job didn't pan out as great as it should have, but, you know, but I'm still working really hard and she went back to school and our schedules are hectic, but she makes all the time in the world for her private time and her running time, but she doesn't make up any time for me and the kids. And I'm taking the kids to and from and doing the house. Yeah.

So Bill, it sounds like you guys are maybe 16 years. It sounds like there's been probably a lot of things going on. Some changes, some transitions, you know, moving and she has a whole overall body transformation mind, body, diet, health, like that, that's going to have an impact on your relationship. So it sounds like you guys really be great for you guys to talk it through. I mean, and ask her to let her know what you ask her what she needs from you, because it's not okay for her to just opt out. Like, I'm not going to talk to you about our relationship. I'm not going to have sex with you anymore. I'm not, I'm not, you know, I'm just about like she had

in relationships you have to come together. So maybe you guys need therapy. Yeah, I mean I literally like get up at five in the morning. I know you're doing everything. You're doing everything but she's not so what do you need Bill? All I'm hearing is what you're doing but Bill, what do you need from her? I would like her to tell me that she loved me. I would like her to come up to me and give me a kiss tonight. Yeah, you want words of affirmation and you want some touch. So have you ever let her know that?

That's important to you, Bill. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You've said, you know how I feel so love by you is when you, you know, you, you tell me you think, you know, you say thank you or you appreciate me, you tell me I'm a great, I'm, and what does she say? No, I can't do that. I'm mute. She just says, I don't feel it.

I don't feel it right now. Okay, so it says like, you know, like the other day she rubbed my, my, my head, rubbed my hair and I, I was at work and I sent her a text, and I just said, that meant the world to me, just to hold you for a couple of minutes in the morning. And, you know, it made me feel safe and loved, you know. I didn't really get anything after that. Yeah. Yeah, Bill, it sounds like she's really,'s going through something right now and she's changed her life in many ways and so couples

This happens with couples when you are you know growing in different directions So I feel like therapy would be the best thing for you guys it would it would in just a month if you went every week For an hour for a month to a really good marriage family therapist. You would, you would be able to understand exactly where you're both at and take this to another level. Because right now you guys are stuck and there's, you could say it's the kids are removed or her diet or she lost all the weight, but we don't know. It sounds like someone helped, someone to help you guys get some really strong healthy communication Would make a world of difference. It's the fastest way to do it, okay?

Bill, I already I can tell you of course. Thanks for conbell You guys listen therapy is good for every relationship every relationship and if you're at a place where six You've been to a partner for a long time and you're just hit across roads. It's okay to go in for a for a long time and you're just hit across roads, it's okay to go in for a tune up. Yeah, like go in, it's like it literally you will find out. You just, you're not failures, you're nothing's terrible about you guys. It doesn't mean you're getting a divorce.

It means that you're actually gonna learn new tools that you've never learned. No one's taught you, nobody knows these tools unless they seek them out. They try to learn how to be good communicators, but we're not. I used to think if you, like, I was like, I'm a great communicator

cause I talk a lot. That is not communication, okay? So we have to learn it, you know? We have to, it's a scale. So I think that therapy, you go in and you realize, okay. They teach you a new way to communicate. They can pick out like what I'm doing for you guys, but I only have like a few minutes with you every night. But if you go to someone, they'll like help you guys develop a new way to communicate, they can pick out like what I'm doing for you guys, but I only have like a few minutes with you every night.

But if you go to someone, they'll let help you guys develop a new language, and then you'll actually know what the next step should be. That's where it is. You have Julie, 52 in Washington, who wants to share that sex is essential for a happy marriage. Right, Julie? So right. Hey, hi, Dr. Emily. How are you?

I'm so good. It's essential. Thank you for your show. It is so important for people to Hear about sex in a healthy way. Yes. Thank you Julie. I love what I do. Thank you for listening Yeah, thank you. Well, I was just calling to let you know you started out saying you know Yes, are you married and happy? Yes, are you? I've been married for 20. Yeah, I've been married for 29 years. So we're extremely happy and to give that gentleman before you just a little bit encouragement,

relationships, ebb and flow, especially being married for that long. So it sounds like he's doing the right things and, uh, I agree with the therapy would probably help them a lot. But did you have therapy, Julie, in the 29 years? Did you have, have you guys had therapy? We did, we have, we have gone one time. Okay. I think about those 29 years. And it was helpful. Uh, he, yes, it was very helpful. Great. Okay. Okay. So tell me so you think, yes, you're having helpful. Great. Okay. So tell me, so you think, yes. You're having great sex, too.

29 years. We actually have our whole marriage. So we've been very, very blessed as far as sex goes. Sex is about intimacy. So even when you're really angry at someone, you can have angry sex. And it's good. Right. Just to have the sex.

I just don't think, yeah, sex isn't a tool to withhold intimacy. Sex is a tool to gain intimacy. Absolutely. I just think that it's essential for every part of the relationship. I really honestly, I don't think in 29 years of marriage, I can only think of maybe a handful of times that, you know, I said, I don't want to have sex right now. Wow.

So what do you think that is, Julie said, you always had great chemistry from the beginning for 20 you met and the sex was just explosive. Connected or has it gotten better over the years? Yes, we've had, yeah, we've been very blessed about that. Well, when you're young, I mean, how can you not have good sex? Yeah, we've had yeah, we've been very blessed about that well young I mean how can you not have good sex? Yeah, I mean, I don't know and then Once the kids come you just have to be creative. There's a bathroom the trailer the you know closet

You know have some fun Older and the kids move out Yeah and you're older and the kids move out. Yeah. As the kids move out, you'd be like, woohoo, it's free rain in your households. Yes, Julie, I love this. Seriously, this is such an inspiration because I think you make it fun. You and your partner, you've had ups and downs.

You've been to therapy, but you've always prioritized your sex life. Even when you had kids, you were like, let's have it in the trailer, right? You would just, you've always prioritized your sex life even when you had kids you're like let's have it in the trailer like right? You would just you make you prior to you've always prioritized your sex life Yes absolutely absolutely and like I said it's about intimacy even if I didn't feel close to him in other ways Sex always can kind of bring you together. Yeah, it does. It's that point so

I People try to like use it as a tool to not be close to someone. I think that it's the tool that will continue to bring you closer. Absolutely. You're right. I'm not having sex with you until you do this thing around the house. It's a sex should not be used as the bargaining tool for your problems and your relationship. You have to have it.

You can't opt out. You can't use it that way a weapon people like sex exactly exactly also i will tell you and this is from uh... this is woman to woman uh... blow jobs ladies your man will love you forever and adore you forever just you know and i'll do it do it'll try to do it.

Just do it. Get into it. Love it. Absolutely. Figure out how you like it. I mean, you know, because my husband, I have to tell you, my husband tells me every day, he tells me that he loves me and that I'm beautiful.

And I'm just average. So I have to tell you that just enjoy it. You guys, this is light. You only have one life between now and dead. What do you want your life to look like? What do you want your relationships to be like? And enjoy them. My husband's my best friend.

Julie, you're amazing. Julie will do a second with Julie. Happy Nis with Julie. OK, thank you, you Julie for calling in your bright light. I love her spirit. She was amazing. I know. I love her. I love her spirit or energy. You guys, it's true. Priority. This is your one life. Learn to love giving a blow job. Learn to love going down in your partner. That's what she's saying. If you guys like this show, love this show, you found it helpful. Even once, if it's your first time listening or you've been listening for years, please

rate us wherever you listen. It's super helpful. You can do it right now. Five stars. You can do that or just subscribe. Rate us. Leave us a review and iTunes. That helps.

That really does. I'm just rating us there. All of it helps. If there's any topics you want to hear more about in the new year, email me feedback at sexwithemley.com. And finally, you should totally sign up for our newsletter. Just go to the website, there is a pop up or there's a link to find it.

Do that, because we don't spam you. We just delight you. Okay, guys, happy holiday season. And thanks to my amazing team for another incredible year. Ken, Kristen, Alisa, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamlite.com.