Sex With Emily - Are You Touch-Starved?

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Did you know that the lack of physical touch can exacerbate anxiety and depression? How have you been feeding your skin hunger? Ever since the pandemic, many of us have been touch-starved, but now it���s time to feast. On today’s throwback show I’ll share how to satisfy your skin hunger and bring more touch and intimacy back into your life. In this episode you’ll learn: What questions to ask yourself to figure out if your relationship is where you want it to be How to introduce new techniques (and toys) into the bedroom How to get back into the dating scene Show Notes: Pleasure Planner + Other Guides SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

We need touch. We need it for our development. We need it for emotional physical health. The longer that you hug someone and hold on to them, the more physical benefits we're going to have. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's show, we're answering your questions. We've got your calls and your emails, and I've been hearing so many of you, so I just wanted to get into it.

Some questions we're answering is how do you get back out there and date when you're newly sober? How to bring the excitement back into a sexless relationship? And how to introduce new techniques and toys into the bedroom and give tips how we could get more in touch with ourselves and our relationships. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show because when you do that it helps get the show out to more sex positive people like you. It just takes two seconds and you can do it right now. You can also find me on all social media, Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, all the places at Sex With Emily.

Okay, one more quick thing before we get into the episode. I'm so excited to announce that I'm doing something for the very first time and I hope you're gonna join me. So I'm hosting an intimate women's retreat at Cannon Ranch Wellness Resort and Spa in Tucson, Arizona. It's coming up, it's June 27th to June 30th, 2024. So we're gonna spend four days and three nights together where I'm going to answer all of your questions in person. I'm so excited to meet you and have

intimate discussions throughout the weekend about pleasure and sexuality, sexual intelligence. We'll have a special retail pop-up experience. We'll have cocktails. I'll also have all my favorite product recommendations. And I just hope you're going gonna join me. You can also experience all of Canyon Ranch's incredible offerings. They have over 200 wellness classes, courses, fitness, journeys, all the things you wanna do are at Canyon Ranch. So please join me. I'm gonna put a link in the show notes

and you can also find more information at sexwithemily.com slash live. That's sexwithemily.com slash live and I just can't wait to see you there. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. By now, you've probably heard my magic wand story. It's a brand that's been part of my personal journey for more than 20 years. But no matter how many times I sing magic wands praises, I'll never be able to fully

capture the story of this incredible brand. Well, now, journalist and author Kate Sloan just completed a limited audio series documenting the history and impact that Magic One has created over the last 56 years. It's called Making Magic, and the series chronicles Magic One's incredible brand story through interviews with nearly 40 experts, performers, business owners, educators, and fans. So I got a sneak preview of this series and what I loved is that Kate weaves together snippets from all their interviews into this amazing story arc. She covers Magic One's journey from a client store massager to its legendary influence on culture and sexual independence and it's all

just fascinating. The first episodes of Making Magic are available now at makingmagicseries.com or on all popular podcast platforms. Just search for Making Magic or visit makingmagicseries.com today. Question, have you ever wished that you and your partner's sex could be even more orgasmic? Or have you been looking for ways to amp up pleasure without breaking the bank?

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So if you're looking for an easy way to enhance your sex life, just visit promessent.com slash Emily for 15% off your purchase with free shipping and a 60-day money back guarantee and discrete delivery always. Promessant is your one-stop shop for leveling up in the bedroom. Visit promessant.com slash emily and get ready for sex you'll never forget. That's p-r-o-m-e-s-c-e-n-t dot com slash emily. cent.com slash Emily. Before I get into your questions, there's something called skin hunger, which is essentially that's a real condition. And that's a deprivation of touch. We need touch, we need it for

our development, we need it for emotional physical health. And so how do you know if you're touched or how do you know if there's skin hunger? If you're feeling more depressed or anxious or you're stressed. Are you just feeling less satisfied in your relationship? You're not sleeping well? I mean now I know right now it's hard to tell because a lot of us have been feeling anxious and stressed, but those are some signs. I always remember hearing this study about in the mid-90s there were these scientists that traveled to Romania to examine sensory deprivation of children

in understaffed orphanages. And the touch-deprived children, they found, had strikingly lower cortisol and growth development levels for their age group. So what does that mean? There were a bunch of kids in a space with only a few adults. They weren't getting their fair share of touch. They were getting nutrition, but there's other things happening. And that is an extreme example, but there's some other studies I can cite. They were looking at

preschoolers on playgrounds and they went to Paris and they went to Miami. And the kids in Paris were getting touched more by their parents on the playground than the kids in Miami. The kids in Paris they found were less aggressive with each other than in Miami and they found that when the kids were touching and hugging each other, they were less aggressive both verbally and physically. So I just find the signs of touch really interesting. If you've been thinking, well, yeah, I want to get more touch. I mean, right now it might be safe to book a massage.

Go to a hair salon and get an extra scalp massage. I love doing that. I mean, this is why I try to book a massage at least once a month. You know, get your nails done. Ask for the extra massage, you know, the extra touch. And how do you get more touch from loved ones? So maybe you've been feeling this in your relationship. You can sit closer to them. You can hug them. The longer that you hug someone and hold on to them, the more physical benefits we're going to have. And I think whenever you can, whenever it's appropriate, if you touch someone it'll encourage them to touch you back. You could also dance. I mean put on your

favorite music, stream a dance class. I mean dance church, that's a thing that's been going on and it feels so good to release. Spend time with animals. Also you guys, you know when you do yoga and other exercises they give you pressure stimulation. So when you're like doing a handstand and you're stretching and your feet are on the floor, I mean those are all ways to simulate touch when you're applying pressure to different parts of your body through exercise. That's my note on touch. I also got a dog which I'll talk more about at some point but that's really helped me. The second thing I've been thinking about

is just our relationships. You know, we talk about spring cleaning and we're gonna get rid of stuff that doesn't serve us, but what about your relationships, right? Haven't you noticed that during the pandemic, you felt like, who do I really wanna see? Who do I miss? Who are my real friends?

Or maybe you even looked at your romantic relationships, but who are you gonna get in touch with literally and who are you gonna let go? Which relationships are you gonna fall by the wayside? I was thinking about toxic relationships. How do you know if you're in a toxic relationship? How do you know if you should end a relationship? So here's some signs.

You feel worse when you're with them. When you're with them, maybe you dread seeing them and then you get home and you're like, oh God, that was really bad. They left a bad taste in your mouth because they don't really celebrate you. They don't ask questions about you. They don't seem very interested

in anything you have to tell them. And they might even feel really manipulative. You know, if they're gaslighting you, which is a behavior where essentially they're making you feel insane. Every time you say something, they're contradicting you. You don't have to live with relationships like that. After you see it, maybe you just feel drained. They're like an energy drain. I mean, you know those people in your life. And sometimes we just forget that it's not always that way. So I just

wanted to say, this is like a little wake-up call for you. You don't have to be in a relationship that makes you feel bad. It's keeping you from your friends and your family. They're not celebrating your achievements. They make you feel smaller and they're constantly questioning everything you do. In fact, you don't need anyone in your life like that. If it's over, it's over. Thank you everyone for listening to the show and sharing it with a friend and for all of your questions and your calls. I love you all. Let's talk to Jennifer 35 in Canada. Hi, Jennifer.

Thanks for calling. I just basically wanted to know if you had any tips to get back into the dating game. I've been single for about three years now. I got out of an 11 year relationship, which I believe it was toxic. You know, I was just in it to be in a relationship, if you will. And then I decided, you know what, I got to take care of myself. This relationship isn't working. So we kind of decided to call it quits, go our separate ways. And I was just trying to figure out how to get back into the data game,

especially since recently I've discovered, if you will, being on a couple of Facebook groups and just discussing with other people that I am demisexual. Yeah, so I need to have an established connection with somebody in order to be able to hop in the sack with them. Like an emotional connection. Yeah, it doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic connection. I just need to connect with that person on some sort of level. Even if they're freaking hot, my plumbing is not going to work. I need to connect with somebody. Yeah. Just explain to people there's something called a demisexual, which means that you really

want to have an emotional connection, a real connection with someone before you have sex with them. Another one is sapiosexual. You want to have an emotional connection, a real connection with someone before you have sex with them. Another one is sapiosexual. You want to have an intellectual conversation. Your partner's use of words and language really turns you on. And it's all sort of the same thing. Like our brain is the most powerful sex organ. So that makes sense, Jennifer.

I'm exactly the same way. I need to have that connection. So I understand that, Jennifer. So how do we go about, because a lot of people aren't gonna lead with their heart on their sleeve, they're not gonna leave with vulnerability and emotion. And so what we gotta look at is how do you find somebody

where you can sort of turn the conversation towards something that would be a turn onto you? And sometimes it's asking challenging questions or asking revealing questions. What if you controlled the conversation and you started asking questions that could elicit some of this more vulnerability? Because I know people say, oh, the apps are all about sex

and everyone wants sex, but not if you don't allow it to go there. You could ask them, like, what, I'm looking up this app right now that I just downloaded. It's so great. It's by the Gottman Institute and it has these love cards, like what's something you wanted to achieve. It's like those 36 questions from the New York Times,

this study to make anyone to fall in love. And there's questions like, if you could sit next to anybody at dinner, who would it be? What is your one memory from your childhood that dictates who you think you are right now? What makes you feel the most competent? What's your favorite food? What's your favorite way of spending an evening?

And you could sort of have questions with them that allow you to get more real and open. I just think it's about you controlling the conversation. Some of the questions here, it's like who's the most fascinating person you ever met? What are you obsessed with these days? Are you a morning person or a night owl? What would be your dream job?

If you had enough, not that those are emotional per se, but they get people talking. Many people are having video date, the video chat. They're setting it up and they're not doing anything until they look at them and they have a real conversation or they set up a date where they're each having a glass of wine on either end of the screen.

And they're having real conversations. I mean, you're 35 years old. I would think that you'd be meeting people who are a little bit more serious because I don't think it's all about sex. I hope not. I mean, it's great that it's all about sex when you're in a relationship,

but not to start off your relationship. You don't want it to be based on that. You know, you gotta have that good connection sexually, of course, but you to start off your relationship. You don't want it to be based on that. You got to have that good connection sexually, of course, but you also have to have that emotional connection. You have to have the same values, the same outlook on life, in my opinion, anyway. All the things. Yes, you're right. You should. So why don't you find out about their values? Find out what they're into. What makes them happy? What do they prioritize? What are they

looking for? I don't think it's too soon to ask about those things. What are their favorite ways to spend a Saturday? What's their dream vacation? You could just say, I'm looking for a relationship. I'm looking for a committed relationship with someone right now. What are you looking for? I'm not looking for casual sex.

You could even say, demisexual, need to know who you are before we sleep together. Like need to get my heart racing before my mind racing. If you message someone on Facebook, you could say, hey, I love what you were saying in the chat. Let's, you want to meet and go for a walk? Do you want to? Yeah, let's talk privately. I think it's really flattering too when someone reaches out and they're like, I really want to get to know you. Let's have a chat. You know what I'm saying? And then you get to control the conversation. But I do believe you'll find this person and it's okay.

I think it's totally okay for you to get what you need. I think that some guys just default. They still think that women want a dick pic or want, but I haven't heard any of that lately. I think most people I know want some more of an intimate connection. I get that the guys are proud of it and they should be, but like don't show it off the first second. No one's sitting

around right now or women that I know saying I wish I got a dick pic tonight. That would be awesome. Unless it's asked for by somebody they know and that they trust. We want a consenting dick pic but not just a dick pic in the wild. I didn't expect this dick pic. Yeah so So I would just say it'll happen but know that it will. The clearer you get on what the values are that are important to you, then you can guide that conversation and just vet people. Figure it out. But you will like figure out who they are and not telling yourself that everyone's going to be some make it sexual because I don't think that's true. Some people will, but not all

of them. You'll find someone who's actually interested in you and what you have to say and sharing who they are. Thanks Jennifer. I appreciate it and I love your show. Thank you for calling. I appreciate it. Thanks Jennifer. Thanks everyone for emailing me. You know you can always send your message through feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily super easy. All we ask is that you include your name, your age, and how you listen to the show. All right.

This is from Nathaniel 35 in Spokane, Washington. Hey, Dr. Emily. My wife and I are in an open relationship and it's going great. We love trying new things sexually. We perfect them with our other partners before bringing them home. We do this because we want our sex together to be amazing every time, which has been working out fantastically. We initially opened up because I wasn't bringing anything new to the bedroom. She was getting bored and frustrated with being

the only one to spice things up. She frequently asks me to use my hands and I do, but it's the same routine. I'm struggling to find new ways to be sensual and sexual with them while we're having sex. Please help." Alright Nathaniel, I am here to help. I really enjoyed this question because it's so specific. Like I'm so, I'm doing the same thing with my hands and so I wasn't sure if at first if you're referring to when you're actually like perhaps specific. Like I'm so, I'm doing the same thing with my hands. And so I wasn't sure if at first if you're referring to when you're actually like perhaps stimulating her vulva, she wants different moves. But that would be more on her I think to show you or that could be that so if that is what you mean let me just say

that because I have a lot of other ideas for your hands. But I would just do some you know masturbation sessions where you're just focusing on her and seeing how she touches herself and what feels good to her. But I'm gonna assume you just want to play with some other sensations. So there's great finger vibes out there and then you could use some warming oil, some massage oil, and then you could use the vibrator over that on your hand. You could also use like a loofah. You know like as a glove they make those loofah gloves and you can use that to kind of massage her back or in the shower. I was trying to think about sensation play and what feels so good with touch is when we play with hot and cold and we play with

different sensations. You could even take a necklace or something like a pearl necklace or beads, a scarf and blindfold her and just sort of tease her with different sensations. So remember all about your hands is I suppose you could also ask her for clarification of what she means by that, but maybe it's different pressure with your hands. I love using massage oil every time I have sex. I love using massage oil or like a massage candle that makes everything feel great. And sensation play is a really fun way to

play with different temperatures and sensations. Like you could do ice cubes in your hand. You could use a warming oil. You could put warm towels in the microwave and warm them up. That feels amazing and just kind of put it over her back and then you can massage over those towels so just play with it all over her body. So let me know how it goes Nathaniel. This is from Kate 29 in Pennsylvania. I've been in a relationship with my partner for a decade. Married four years after fears of dating and very regular sex. Things have all but dried up. It's been over a year. I'm dying and also crying over this. When I bring it up to my partner she claims she doesn't

know why we aren't intimate. I know that it's a team effort but after so much rejection I just got the habit of not initiating. Do you think this is grounds for ending the relationship? Please help." So you're 29, you've been together for 10 years since you were 19. That is a long time. Have you ever Kate, talk to your partner about why she thinks you guys aren't having sex and what would be interesting to you both to keep it interesting and like is it still important to both of you? Is it still something that she wants to work on? Could you have a conversation with her from a place of curiosity and kindness

and just you know, you know, let her know not in a frustrating place because sounds like you're really at your wit's end now. But just say I really want, you know, sex is an important part of our connection and I miss it. Can we kind of figure out what would be a way to get it back on track? So your question is, do you think this is grounds for any relationship? I believe if you have really tried to talk to a partner about your sex life and they say I'm not interested, our sex life is over, we don't need to prioritize sex, I just were best friends, I think that's a problem because clearly you still want to have

sex and prioritize it and I think that relationships that go the distance they work through these ebbs and flows and they decide that they're going to figure out how to be intimate in a way that works for both of you. You've also been together for so long I'm assuming this is your first maybe your first relationship or your first serious relationship I mean it's such formative years that you've been together so there's also the possibility that maybe you've grown apart I'm sure you've grown up a lot and learned a lot and so this can happen and so if you want to get therapy if you've grown up a lot and learned a lot and so this can happen. And so if you want to get therapy, if you've never had therapy, that would be a great way to go and

figure out if you're on the same page about your values and where you want to go. If you're together, you know for the next decade, that could be really helpful to you and help you get started. What I'm also hearing is that it's been going on for over a year and sometimes couples get into these places where they keep having the same conversations and you don't remember why you're fighting anymore and that's why I love the idea of seeing a therapist because then they just kind of help you in an amazing amount of time like just maybe a session or two regroup and get deeper and really cut through all the BS and be like what is really going on here you might be surprised after 10 years together how much a session or two with a therapist

could really help you have some breakthroughs and then you'll be able to answer the question, should I stay or should I go? Alright Kate, thank you for your question and best of luck to you. Let me know how it goes. Okay, this is from Rachel, 21 in Utah. Hey Dr. Emily, me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year and I want to introduce him to my vibrators and other toys, but they intimidate him. How would you introduce toys to a man that grew up in a religion that told them sex toys were the tools of the devil? Alright, so this is the deal. I like to think of this scenario which is very common. If we grew up in a home that wasn't open to sex and wasn't open to masturbation, it takes education first. So getting him to understand that when you use a toy, it's not taking away

from him, it's not replacing him, it's just an additive. It's another sensation. Something that feels great on all of our nerve endings. And you can also let him know that it feels great on him too. I recommend that you guys sit and listen to some of our podcasts together, that you maybe give him some reading. You know, we've got great articles on our website about toys and how to use them with a partner. The education part includes just getting him to think differently about it, that his beliefs,

you know, maybe there's another way of thinking about it. And the next thing is empathy, Because you have to also have a little bit of empathy for his situation, which I'm sure you do. But it's really hard when we grow up indoctrinated in a home where for the maybe the first 18 years of his life, he heard all these messages around sex. You don't just leave those at the door when you move out or when you get into a relationship. So it's a little bit of just understanding where he came from and working with that. How does he learn best? Giving him this education but also being kind and then

exploration. I think that if he might be willing to use a toy, if you get him there, that to show him that even a little hand vibe, a handheld vibe feels great on him as well, right? Vibe-writers feel great all over our bodies, but specifically on a penis owner, you could use it on a shaft, his balls, on a lower setting. Sometimes vulvas like, er, a lot more intensity, but the penis might want a little bit just something different. Remember, variety. Play with it.

Play with him. I have found, and I've been with partners who are also reluctant, who are like, we don't need a toy or is that gonna replace me? Once I show them how it feels on them and then they see what it does to me, they are on board, they're asking for it by name, they're like, bring that womanizer next time, you know? It's like, it's getting over their limiting beliefs or their beliefs that no longer serve them. So that's the exercise there, okay?

Rachel, thanks for your email. Be right back. I'm gonna talk to Mark who's got questions about nipple clamps, among other things. We'll be right back. Hey there, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that I'm not afraid to get a little personal, but this time I'm flipping the script.

I want to get to know you better. That's right, you've been listening to me talk about the ins and outs of intimacy and now it's your turn to spill the tea. In a survey form, of course. I'm conducting a survey that's all about you and your thoughts on sex with Emily. Why? Because your opinions are the secret sauce to our success and I'm all about you and your thoughts on sex with Emily. Why? Because your opinions are the secret sauce to our success and I'm all about growth, both in and out of the bedroom.

And I'm always looking to expand the SWE brand and your insights are the VIP pass to making that journey even more thrilling. Head over to gum.fm slash SWE and let me know how I can continue to be your go-to source for all things sexy. It's quick, it's easy, and so appreciated. Remember, this survey is all about you, so don't be shy, get involved, and let's make some magic together. And your responses can remain anonymous. That's gum.fm slash swe or just click the link in our show notes. So keep it hot,

keep it honest, and as always keep it sexy. I cannot wait to hear from you. Let's talk to Mark in Arkansas. Hi Mark. Thanks for calling. Hi Dr. Emily. Hello. How can I help you? Yes, my wife and I are here and we have three questions to ask if you don't mind. We've been married for 10 years and we thought we'd spice things up a little bit. We went to a sex toy store and we bought almost $400 worth of items. Amazing.

It's been fun. But one thing we bought was the nickel clamps she wanted to try. We bought the adjustable one and it still hurts her. We tried to adjust it as much as possible, but it still hurts. Is there anything she should try, anything you can suggest? Which ones did you buy?

There's so many different kinds. Does it have the little screw that you turn on the side? Yes. Have you tried moving them around the breasts and putting them in different areas? Because there are so many erogenous zones on the side? Yes. Maybe have you tried moving them around the breasts and putting them in different areas? Because there are so many erogenous zones on the breasts. So maybe just, they don't have to literally be on the nipples, it could be around the bottom.

It could be around the top of the breast. I mean, it could be like around the areola. I would just play with it. You know, that's the thing about toys is that they're not, you can use them and gear, I guess sex accessories in different ways. Just get curious and maybe again, she might have super sensitive nipples but I think that's okay too just play around see where they do it. She was saying that it's possible

because since she just was breastfeeding about what is it three years ago? Three years ago? Could that be a reason or that has nothing to do with it? You know, absolutely it could. I mean if you don't maybe there's a blood flow challenge, like perhaps maybe her breasts are more sensitive. I've heard that women do, that their breast tenderness does change, you know, after they give childbirth, after they breastfeed. So that could be it as well.

You could also use some lube, I mean, maybe massage them with your fingers and like start the blood flowing again, because perhaps there hasn't been a lot of activity there. So there are a lot of activity there. So there are a lot of nerve endings and maybe just softly use some lube or maybe some CBD lube that has some healing properties in it and just sort of gently use your hands and massage around the nipples and kind of see if you could wake them up.

That could be it. Okay. Sometimes we just have to move through it and kind of yeah, get the blood flowing again. Okay. Our second question is for about anal douches. An enema? An anal, like an enema? Well, yeah, yes. We've heard mixed things about that. Is it, we just want to know, is it healthy to use? Because I've heard that it sometimes messes with the chemistry inside. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you asked this question because the same goes for vaginal douching as the enema.

You don't need to, if you buy it in the store, you got to pour out the solution, the vinegar or whatever comes in it. And then if you want to clear it out, which is, you know, up to everybody, usually we know when we're clean or we've had gone to the bathroom, but I recommend filling it with warm water instead of the whatever comes in it. Because that stuff isn't so great to put inside of you and then flush it out and just you know use it twice or something and go through it and see how that feels. But warm water over the toilet that's what I recommend. Okay all right and our

third question is the difference between edging and an orgasm for for males for me specifically because I seem to have I think I suffer from PD premature ejaculation Yes, but I can go I can continue to go on and I seem to Ejaculate almost six seven times How old are you? I am 34

Okay, I thought I was edging but now I'm thinking am I actually be jacked How old are you? I am 34. Okay. I thought I was edging, but now I'm thinking am I actually ejaculating? I mean, is it actually an orgasm? Because I didn't think it was possible to have this many within an hour. I could actually go for more times, but I just want to be done. That's pretty incredible. So are you ejaculating all those times? Yes. I mean, the first time a lot comes up, the second, third, and the more times the less comes out. But yes, there is some that comes out and I have to keep wiping each time.

Oh God, Mark. That's incredible to me because I don't hear that. Usually I hear that for men in their 20s when their testosterone is really high. But to come six or seven times, your refractory period is really quick for a man because for women, they're a lot faster, but for men, typically not. And then when you do edge, and women can do it as well, coming up to like, let's say 10 is ejaculation and one is nothing, you get to like a seven or eight and then you bring it back down again. And you try to repeat that a few times

and then you ejaculate. That ejaculation, the time when you do let go is supposed to be a lot more intense. And then you also can start to train your body to come where you want it to rather than coming on its own. Although I don't see there really being a problem here. Yeah, I mean, if you're able to go and go and go, that's just impressive.

And that's it, yeah. It obviously feels good to be able to do that many times, but it's also kind of frustrating because my wife, for example, if she, there's a certain position where she feels like I'm hitting the G spot. She wants me to continue. Okay, got it. But because of the PE, you know,

I can't because I'm about to ejaculate again. Let's talk, yeah, I understand that. Okay, thank you for clarifying that. So I would recommend that doing the stop start method in terms of train your body, you could do that with your partner or with your wife or on your own. You could do your Kegel exercises.

These are all the things that help to strengthen your pelvic floor, right? That helps. The other thing is Promessent, which is a quickly absorbing delay spray that helps men last like 65% longer in bed. And you apply it like 10 to 15 minutes before sexual activity and it can help you last longer. That's the only like one that I would recommend. But I also like men to work on their own control. And also sometimes it is about, you know, a pattern. You know, I would assume that, that Mark, this has been something that's been happening

since you started having sex, that it happened quicker than you wanted it to. Yes. Okay. So I mean, typically it's a learned pattern. It could be something to do with, I know this is when you don't have experience lasting longer. And so something about also maybe using Permessent gives you a confidence or security knowing that you can last longer.

That's what I've heard men tell me. But really it's just about that. It's about practicing and also going to your partner. So realizing that if I do come too quickly, that making sure that your partner's pleased, so going down on her, stimulating her, even if it's for a few minutes, that I find that when you take your attention off of your own erection, your own orgasm, your own erection, that it'll come back

when you're focusing on her, when you're giving to her. Right, right, yeah, and I've done that, and it's been great, but sometimes she wants me to continue, but I just can't. Because it's just, and I think it's a mental thing because when she does things like moan, it makes me finish even quicker. So I kind of tell her to please be quiet.

Well, that's true though, that's the thing. It's the noise. No, it's very common. And so I would say, I mean, I like what you're saying because I do believe a lot of it is in our mind, which is a good thing to know that it's just anxiety. It's a patterned response to orgasm and to ejaculation. So I would say that you guys could do maybe

some mutual masturbation together where she's getting off and you're getting off and you're both edging yourselves. Because then it could be a practice because for women, when we delay orgasm, we do the same kind of edging thing where we go up to like an eight and we bring it back down and we go back up and down.

Then when we finally do have an orgasm, it's same thing, that much more intense and powerful. So if she would like to join you on this journey, or you could do it when you're masturbating. But I would start to just understand your arousal and ejaculation responses. So yeah, well let me know Mark. Have fun. All right. Thank you so much. Yeah, you guys sound like a good time. Thank you. Bye, Mark.

Okay. This is from Kat. I started listening to your podcast after your master class was featured in the New York Times. Mind blown. This is exactly what I've been looking for. I have many questions, but I'll just share what I'm going through. I'm 28 in Northern California. I've been through a lot this past year, almost one year sober. I take therapy and my recovery from alcoholism and codependency seriously. I haven't had sex in 2.5 years because of trauma from bad long-term relationships. I'm having a hard time trusting people.

But now I'm in a phase where I'm ready to start exploring pleasure. I bought a couple toys for myself, started listening to erotica, and went on about one virtual date a week. From dating, I realized I want to sleep around and explore different people and have fun. I'm graduating from graduate school in June, but I have four roommates, and I feel like I have enough physical and mental space to take on sexual adventures. Please help me. where can I put all this new found sober sexual energy? I'm so frustrated, thank you so much.

All right, Kat, thank you so much for your email. First off, I'm so proud of you, that you have been sober for a year, and that you worked on your codependency, that is not easy. It takes a lot of commitment. And I understand this, how much work it takes to get sober, to go to the 12 steps of recovery. So I'm just blown away by you. It's not easy. And it even sounds like you've done the work around, you know, when you start a 12 step program, or you start getting sober, they often recommend not to have sex for a year at least. And it sounds like you know

yourself really well. And this is the kind of work that's going to just help you so much in your future relationships and in your life. As far as going out there though and dating again and you want to date around, I think it's great that you know this about yourself. I would just try to find someone you trust, maybe go out with them a few times, have some more FaceTime dates, maybe go for a walk with them and don't rush it. Because I found that for me, when I'm in a casual sex phase of my life,

it really helps with people that I actually like and I trust. I'm not really into the one-offs, sleeping around, and especially if you're sober. Like I feel like when I've done that, I definitely was drinking more, and those are the nights that it works. So I would think someone like you who's very much in your power right now, it would be best to build the tension with someone.

I don't know why it sounds like we all rush into sex right away. Not that one night stands can't be fun, but make out with somebody and then just tell them that's what you feel comfortable with right now and then continue to talk to them and get to know them. So I think that there should be no rush and no pressure of course. I don't like when people feel pressure that they have to give into sex or someone's not going to like them. Let me tell you, if you're with a partner or someone new who says you feel that you have to have sex with them to make them like you or to accept you or to please them, them, to make them like you or to accept you or to please them. That is no reason to do it at all.

What I'd love to see everybody do is to really learn to pay attention to their own desire and their own needs and then make decisions from there. So I think the more honest you are about your program and what you're working on, I think you'll be more likely to find some suitable sex partners. And I think being honest about where you're at in your life too, about what you're looking for, will be super helpful, Kat, in this journey. So again, congratulations to you and let me know how it goes. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner.

You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good emails, so sign up at SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you want to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily.

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