Sex With Emily - Arousal & Erotic Energy w/ Pamela Madsen & Court Vox

Episode Date: September 18, 2021

Most of us think of arousal and desire as spontaneous, even a little mysterious. But on today’s show, I’m joined by the incredible Pamela Madsen, founder of Back to the Body, and sex & intimacy coach Court Vox, who myth-bust that assumption entirely. When you’re ready to go from erotically numb to erotically alive, they know exactly how to get the sexual energy going again. In this episode, they talk about low libido (and its likely culprit: high boredom), how to create a new relationship with your body, and how the right touch can unleash both deep desire...and deep healing.Pamela and Court also talk to us about their retreats (two words: pleasure demos), plus: we answer your questions! We talk to you about how to feel more confident in the bedroom, whether it’s ok to pleasure a partner when you yourself never orgasm, and how to have your best curvy girl sex.For more information about Pamela Madsen, MS, CSB, visit: http://backtothebody.orgFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I could do a whole hour of genital mapping with someone, right? And that might look like naming the parts. This is your outer labia. This is your inner labia. This is your introidas to your vagina. This outer part is your vulva. This is your mom's pubist. Sometimes people don't know the names of their partners. They don't, they don't. I see that. We didn't learn, right? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Most of us think of a rousal and desire as spontaneous, even a little mysterious. But on today's show, I'm joined by the incredible Pamela Matsun, founder of Back to the Body, and sex and intimacy coach, Courthbox, who myth busts that assumption entirely. See, when you're someone who's ready to go from erotically numb to erotically alive,

they know exactly how to get the sexual energy going again. In this episode, they talk about low libido and it's likely culprit high boredom, how to create a new relationship with your body, and how the right touch can unleash both deep desire and deep healing. Pamela and Quart also talk about their retreats, two words, pleasure demos, plus we answer your questions. We talk to you about how to feel more confident in the bedroom, whether it's okay to pleasure a partner when you yourself never orgasm, and how to have your best curvy girl sex.

Intentions with Emily join me in setting an intention for this show. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? Well, my intention is to open your eyes to some people doing some alternative ways of sexual healing. Remember to plug, rate, and review the podcast wherever you're listening. We so appreciate it. Helps keep the show free and available. And I have a new article at sexwithemily.com. Nine books for a super sexy fall. You want to ask me a question? Just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Leave me your questions there or message

me sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. So a few things before I drop you into my conversation with Pamela and Quart. As I mentioned in the episode, I went to one of their retreats in Hawaii on March 9, 2020. Just a few days before we went into lockdown. There I was on a hands-on intimacy retreat with a group of about 20 people I've never met before. It was all women attending the retreat with some male sexological body workers who go hear more about shortly participating in the week long retreat. So the women were there for many things. One was there to learn to ask for what she really wanted from her partner. Another to figure out how to masturbate and someone else to get comfortable

again with any kind of touch after a long dry spell. Well I was there to see what this was all about. After all, research is me search. For me, I had some hands-on experience and a practice that I know can be truly an alternative source of healing for so many people. So, I want you to listen to this episode with an open mind and open heart, and I'm sure you'll find something here for you. All everyone, enjoy this episode. Pamela Mattsin is a certified somatic sex educator, founder of Back to the Body Retreats, Veterans Speaker, Educator, Renown Blogger, and the author of Shameless, how I ditched the diet, got naked, found true pleasure, and still got home in time to cook dinner.

She's appeared on countless media outlets. The New York Times, Oprah 60 minutes, find out more about Pamela at BackToTheBody.org. CourtVox is a sex and intimacy consultant founder of the BodyVox and sex educator for BackToTheBody retreats. Find out more about him at thebodyvox.com or Instagram at CourtVox. Welcome to show, Pamela Madsen and Court Box. This dynamic beautiful duo is sitting in front of me. You are in Los Angeles for a very important weekend. We are, we are, we're in it once in a while. We'll come and we'll do what's called a portal,

which is like an opening salvo to what's possible for women, it's non-residential. And then I get to come to do private retreat to court in LA and other places. And then sometimes I get to come and have dinner with you. But I'm an East Coaster and he's a West Coaster. Oh, okay, that's right. Well, this is fun that you guys are coming together

for this weekend. So tell me about your back to the body retreats. And then I want to hear about how you also work with couples. So we've been doing back to the body retreats for 10 years. They're very unusual in the world and that they're aversion retreats for women. It's a place for women to drop in and really explore their own bodies as opposed to having to please a partner. But what is it to receive and not be in service? You know, what are all those things that people are talking about?

What if they have vaginal pain? What if they maybe have orgasms or maybe they don't? They don't really understand it. Maybe there's more. What we have found is that women who come to our retreats have a very definite outcome. They feel better about their genitals. So they have genitals self-esteem. Yes, they are more likely to initiate sex when they get home

and then their lives, reduce body shame, they reduce trauma, they're better able to ask for what they want. And they have learned how to name their desire, how to negotiate consent. And I think one of the most beautiful things is that they heal relationships and competition with other women. What I've been seeing Emily is, A, the women asking the men to come, seeing Emily is a the women asking the men to come, which is very different than when the men ask. When the men call me and say, I want my wife to do a retreat or I want to do a couple's retreat, it's often very hard to bring in the woman. Kind of like a three-some-two. I'm part of trying to get the part of a three-some-one like you gotta be, it's gotta be her idea. Right. Right.

So what is her idea? Whatever her answer is a good idea. The men come and they're really brave. And the men have had lots of different feelings around this. The men are like, what have you done with my wife? Like she is a whole new human. I want a piece of that. I want a piece of the cake that she has.

Right, well, what she's having. I was on one of your retreat I want a piece of the cake that she had. Right. I want what she's having. Yeah. I was on one of your retreats and I want you to explain for a minute the sexological bodywork part of it and I want you to explain that if you can just give an example of how women like the before and after. So sexological bodywork is an active receiving. So it's not like a traditional massage where you're laying there and being touched. It's really active. So the practitioner is really involved asking you to move and be present to be aware of your

breath, to be aware of your sound, encouraging sound. We're really encouraging people to speak up and ask for what they want and explore through my hands, basically. So those can be really important. The other thing is we keep our hands gloved. It can include the full body, so it can include genital touch. It doesn't have to, but it can. We do explorations in sensation.

We do explorations in body parts. So genital mapping, body mapping. We do explorations in fantasy and role play role play and Games how to bring play into your sex life, but we start really simple. So you feel that wow. This is too advanced for me no Every woman starts where she is and we start with Every woman starts where she is and we start with just connecting you to your arousal and what does that feel like and how do we use erotic energy. And this is kind of a matriarchal society. Each woman has a female safe port and you're in sisterhood where there's no competition

and the men are supporting. But your sessions are private. And then always keep their clothes on. They don't get in contact with clients after retreats. We have very, very strict ethical boundaries. And that's really, really important to us. So women may start here. And then, you know, when they're done with us,

they're like in the orgasmic Olympics. Right. Can you explain the mapping, the body mapping? Because I think that's a really important part of this practice because it does start with I get to know your vulva ground and it take a look, look at a mirror, but you go a little bit further than that with the mapping. I could do a whole hour of genital mapping with someone, right? And that might look like naming the parts of this is your outer

labia, this is your inner labia, this is your entroides to your vagina, this outer part is your vulva, this is your mom's pubis. Sometimes people don't know the names of their partners. They don't, they don't. I see that. We didn't learn, right? And so even identifying internally, this is your G spot. Also, how does it feel if I put a little pressure to the left or to the right or up or down? And it's slow, like it's a sitting.

And really what you're talking about is like you're sitting there with a glove, you're doing it, but there could be a mirror and you're looking together and you're actually showing so they can become more connected. And understanding that your clitoris has legs, and that every woman is built differently, we're like the very advanced plumbing systems, you know,

and that the clitoris as delicious as that little bump is, is just a tip of the iceberg and helping women find the clitoral legs. And you know, when I will say to us Emily, like they have no libido, they, they, they don't have any desire. There's lots of reasons for that, one of the reasons for that is their board. I mean, I'm just going to name it. It's this board. I am so bored. Like you may love your partner. I can't masturbate one more time to whatever it is. I'm just over it. And you

know, you don't always get to tell your partner what you want. I think that's a big big point. That's a big yeah. Just across the board. Men, women, is it's like, what do you want to discover today? What do you want to explore? I don't know. And then it's like, well, here's a menu of all the things. And they're like, wow, I didn't even know that X, Y, and Z existed or were an option or that I would be interested in that. And so sometimes it's just having the menu and also the permission and the space to try it.

Yeah, also the possibility of being like, I didn't like that. It's like, okay, moving on. Because so much of sex for many Volvo owners it can be more passive. Are we just say say yes to things because it's easier than saying no We think when we don't even know what we're feeling because some of us go numb. We just check out of sex So this is like a the process of really being connected and embodied So you aren't just giving up your power like that. You are able to speak up So that is part of the big practice, right?

I can't like aperture in touch. Like, you know, people who actually know how to touch a woman's body. So you learn, oh, that's what that does like. How I ask for that when I get home. How can people connect this on their own? Like, let's say they can't come to a retreat. How would you explain the feeling,

like from where people start and where they are at out for, like the goal is to a retreat, how would you explain the feeling, like from where people start and where they are now for like the goal is to become embodied, but some people don't even really understand that. Practice, breath work, practice, things that where they can emote sound. Also I really love like ecstatic dance or fiverrism dance, which is like a really organic form of movement, which is not about partner dancing. It's really about self-expression and finding your own movement.

I really encourage that for everybody. You really kind of are there and you're like, I'm finding myself being self-conscious of my movement. Like, can I allow myself to move the way that I want to move? And I feel, and nothing that we encourage on the table as well, is like, if you were to move organically to my touch, like, what would that feel like? What would that look like?

Not even what would that look like. So it's kind of the opposite of what we talk about. A lot is performative, when we're more performative in the bedroom. Like, I'm going to move this way because I think that's what my partner wants. What we're talking about here is this deep grounding into what you actually want and what your body is reacting to in that moment rather than being in your head and thinking what

would be sexy right now, what my partner would want, which is a total reversal for so many of us. And there are a lot of tools, Emily. So I know they're going to put up the link to our website. Of course. If they're set up for the newsletter, they will get a free video instruction on how to do Lotus Lift Meditation. To you know, this is my signature thing.

It's a like name drop over it and speech should it twice, two years in a row. And it's really simple and it's a really great way for women and men, because you've been using it with men too. Did I do the lotus lift? Yes. So you check your hands. Okay. I've helped your volva. Oh, and you rock. I love the lotus lift. Yes. Back to back. Back to back with with with a partner, but you can do it on your own. And then feeling your arousal, feeling your embodiment, and I will coach people through it. I have members of our community, women do zooms together. And so I work with Deepak Chopra's three soul questions,

who am I, what I want, what's getting in the way. And it's a beautiful way to start your morning. Get a rousal moving. And you get a rousal moving in your body. You are fighting depression. You are fighting anxiety. You are moving serotonin in your love hormones. You want to feel embodied? You don't have to masturbate and have an orgasm. Women don't know the arousal principle. Men don't either. That just being in arousal is an embodiment and is a creative life force energy and it's a wellness tool. Your sexual energy is wellness and so you can get those tools online. We're giving them away. You can get those tools online. We're giving them away. Okay. We also have back to the body practitioners.

People can buy a series and they can work online through Zoom with a practitioner. If they're not ready, come to a retreat. Great. Okay. I love that you're providing that. It's back to thebody.org. Yeah. I love the Lotus Lift as like an in between because it's really like we walk around sometimes not loving our bodies all day, feeling like it's another thing in our list, but just a cup it. I'm cupping right now. You guys can't see me. And just say, like, good morning.

Like this is and feeling that because it's it is energy. It is our life's force. It is our creative center. Yeah. People calling it like, how do I have anal? But then you're like, have you ever really connected or taken a look at your own genitals? And it's such a powerful practice. I think that piece Emily is really big, right? Which is like desire and congruency with the body.

Talk about that. Yeah, talk about desire and congruency with the body, please. It happens with couples, but it happens with individuals where, you know, somebody's like, I really would like to have anal or I really want to explore this extreme BDSM scene. And then it's like their body is so far removed from that fantasy. There needs to be a ton of other work, which let's start with connecting with your body first. Because if you have no connection to your body, none of that is going to resonate. You're going to, it's going to hurt or you're not even going to feel it for that matter.

Right. So that piece, I think, is really important is to be able to connect with your body and, you know, how do you do that? Sense eight focus is a really good exercise to do that with. And that's just like, you can do it yourself. I feel the sensations in my hand. So many of us don't feel anything during sex. It's like a numbing or it's a disassociation. And so I think that's a lot of this work is that we're talking about is that you don't have to go

through life like that. You can wake up your body at any time. The other thing we're talking about, saying on the couple's work for a moment, what we found with couples too, is that they pay out of each other's no bank. Oh, I love this. Tell me more.

I could say something like, well, I think that you're frightened of hurting me and you don't want to spank me. Right, and I go, I'm not afraid of that. I'm down to spank you. Let's try it. You're down to spank me. Yeah, let's try it. Right now.

Yes. Yes. Yes. So, first time I sex with Emily. So, which true is that we have stories about what our partner likes and doesn't like, and what our partner is going to do and not do, and then we have shame around asking it. They may actually have the same desires.

have shame around asking it, they may actually have the same desires. I mean, no idea to see couples, no matter what age you are, but focusing on mid-life couples and would just say 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s, maybe after 30 years of marriage, having a brand new relationship with their sexuality and that it's possible. I know we always send people to our yes-no, maybe list on our site, which I think has been helpful for so many couples. And that's just a document that lists a bunch of, you know, yes or no's or maybe. So I'm thinking when you're working with couples, is there any commonalities though between these couples?

I guess one of them is probably they both have to want to. Because sometimes there's couples where one doesn't want to and one doesn't. You can't show up to a couple's retreat if you don't want to be there, right? No. You know, and it makes our work easier, you know, when the people that are there, like we both want the better of this collection of people, right? We want to be a better couple. We want a better sex life.

We want a better relationship. There's a willingness to try a willingness to discover. So maybe the man really wants to learn how to do really good, general touch, but you know, only knows what he knows, right? He's big. Go and look at the digging in there looking for like he's looking for change. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. And I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm also coaching her how we breathing how we telling our guy that this feels good how do we move and so it's a monkey scene monkey do it's for couples who haven't been around other couple energy it's very exciting but in boundaries because we're not going to be having no we're having a for some we're not having a for some all the boundaries are intact and of course if they need our help we will love up and haven't a for some. We're not having a for some. All the boundaries are intact. And of course, if they need our health, we will glove up and show a

partner how to do something that will stop. But if it's going on, girl partner or boy partner or non binary partner needs support, will stop, wash your hands, put on our gloves and go help. But usually we done by watching. So what about the legality of these retreats with one way touch and

sexological body workers? You know, there are specific states where it is so illegal because we are touching genitals in some cases. And, you know, we are keeping our clothes on. We're not having sex with clients. And it is therapeutic. So this is edgy work. I'm not going to mince words. It's edgy work. It's not for everyone.

And we're certified. I'm certified in the state of California. As a sexological body worker? As a sociological body worker, I was certified in the state of California. What we ask people to clear about is that we're sex educators, that we're not therapists, and that we work within a particular set of ethical guidelines. And we're very clear about that.

And so far so good. I think everyone listening this show knows how important sex is, you probably wouldn't be listening if you didn't think there was something to learn. But yet with sex, there's nothing really available for that kind of coaching. We think, I should just magically know how to touch a vulva, how to touch a penis, how to have anal all of it, but where would you learn?

And we all know that porn isn't gonna be the way to teach. So, I mean, I really appreciate the work that you're doing and just thinking about how many people could really benefit from this work once they get past the shame. And now I thought that I should know this because I'm a man or I'm a, no, we're not taught this. The vector taught misinformation. It's a little bit like, you know, when you go to the spa for the first time and you're like, I got to be naked with all these people.

And for the first five minutes, you're like self conscious about it. And then you forget that you're naked because everybody else is naked. It's like, it just kind of falls away. And I feel like it's a little bit of that with us in our work. It's like, there might be some reddistance. And even with with me, I'll just speak for myself. Like, sometimes I get nervous. Like, I'm using my body as a teaching tool.

She's using her body as a teaching tool. There's some scratchiness around that with people who are just meeting or even still people that we know really well. I was remembering Emily, the people learn in different ways. And some people they learn visually, some people learn from a book. The resources are beautiful,

and what's even more beautiful is permissioning more and more people. I'm tired of hearing that I'm all washed up and I have no libido or over, and 50 were dead, it's a lie. It's just all lies. The biggest lie ever told is that people over 50 don't have incredible sex and multiple orgasms. And if you want a little bit of help in our medical profession

that it's available for you. And I want them to know, are you listening to know that the opportunity doesn't just belong, you know, to the 20 year old and the millennials are getting older. And we just let those millennials know you are aging up guys. They are. And the boomers are still booming. And there is a lot. We have a large population of people who have a lot of a pleasure potential.

How do you encourage people to look at pleasure and to put more pleasure into their life? First of all, our society, western society, or the United States for that matter. You know, we really encourage people to find their pleasure, to find their success, to be in their joy, and then not too much. Not too much, but don't talk about sex. Not too much joy because that would mean that you're selfish or narcissistic, right? And it's this kind of mixed message. You go after it, but be humble. Better be humble about all of it, right? How do you be humble and seek your pleasure at the same time?

It's like they're a little bit opposing identity. They are, yeah. But I think it's noticing that that is a cultural script and choosing it anyway. Yeah, just think about it because pleasure, potential, I think we all have so much potential for pleasure. And we have a secret. We have a secret. Self-imposed ceilings.

We're going to do a quick break to hear from our sponsors. Stick around because when we come back Pamela and Court and I answer your listener questions. I would love you to help me answer an email from a listener. This is Diana, 33 in Santa Fe, Mexico. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm wondering how I get comfortable having sex and feeling sexy as a plus size woman with a man who is healthy. I need some advice. I want to be present and enjoy my body, his body and sex in general. But I find it hard to not focus

on the way extra weight on my body perceived imperfections. Also looking for good sex positions for women. This has been holding me back from exploring sexually and having sexual experiences and I'm ready to shift it. Now, I know Pamela that you've gone through a lot of this, you spoke about this in your book. You do live demonstrations.

I've seen a lot of Pamela. So tell me Pamela, how would we advise Diana here? Oh, I want to take a big deep breath. You know, holding our self love and our self acceptance in one hand and our shame disappointment and the other. And just knowing that it's not one or the other. It just isn't one of the other. So he's becoming like the rope artist of the century over here. He'll say that he's studying. He's studying rope. And so last night he was showing me some ties and some things that he was doing. I was trying. I'm just trying. I'm studying. He's studying rope. And so last night, he was showing me some ties and some things that

he was doing. I was really curious about it. And Cord had me like opened up, tied up on the floor, post your bed. And I was, my legs were just like really up there. I mean, I was, I was, how would you call it? Spread. I was spread. OK. And I was curled up, which meant I couldn't play to the male lens. I couldn't slap my belly and stretch out and sort of soften my roles.

OK? And I was very aware. Here's the self-acceptance artist. I was very aware. Here's the self acceptance artist, right? I was very aware of these three very large roles as fat on my belly While he was being magnificent and and showing me a wonderful experience. I was very aware of my belly fat and at some point I just sort of had to acknowledge Okay, we're having a little belly fat chain. Okay, there it is. Hi, belly fat. We've had this conversation before. And then I had to go, well,

he doesn't seem bothered by. He's not bothered by that belly fat that's there. And I'm having a good time and obsessing over the three roles was taking away from the possibility of my really experiencing the pleasure that my body had to offer. And so then I had to put it down. So in the moment, you didn't say hello, you didn't say it out loud,

although you could have with court and it would have been fun probably, it would have brought it after. But I love that your examples, Pam, I know you are kindergarten teacher, right? No, you started, I always think about that. I'm like, this is why she's so good at talking to everybody. It's like, really?

It's like, hello. Hello, they're okay. I'm gonna put you away now, because courts do it in some way or not. I feel, this is my time for pleasure. You actually had like a conversation with yourself. You were able to go back and be embodied, be in your body, and receive this magnificent gift from this beautiful man

who's just there for your pleasure, not looking at anything that you're looking at. So, and it's not like you won't have to do that again. Like maybe tonight something could happen, but it's that process. When you're saying that you hold in one hand, you hold acceptance, and the other hand, you might, your criticism, they're always sort of there,

but if you could get that acceptance voice to be a little bit louder and kind of trump the negative voice more often, you'll have a little bit less struggle, but it never goes away as what we're saying, right Pamela? Because you've been talking about this for years. It doesn't ever, it doesn't go poof,

but that's how you could quickly move through it, I suppose, is by saying, I deserve this moment of pleasure. Nobody was running screaming from the building, okay? I also want to just say from my perspective and to answer this woman as well, can you allow your partner to enjoy your flesh? Can you not deny your partner their pleasure in your flesh? Right? So I can find pleasure in a lot of different types of bodies and some of those bodies are fleshy bodies and some of those bodies are thin bodies. Some of them are female, some of them are male. I can find my pleasure in that not just with my eyes but my hands. And so to encourage people to find pleasure not just in what they're seeing and also to see past just what's in front of you, but

to see the overall connective experience, right? Right. I didn't see belly. I didn't see your belly rolls. See, Instagram. Right. But I love what you're saying here about that moment that was again, this goes back to our society and that's so focused on a certain body type and that we have to be perfect and all the time we spend the external. But in the moment, they're with a partner like we're saying here to Diana is but in the moment they're with a partner, like we're saying here to Diana is allow your partner

to really relish and celebrate and love all of you. And that comes back to receiving, like allow that to happen as well. And I think it's because we assume, like you said Pamela, he didn't go running from the building. I think as women, we often assume that, oh, they're gonna notice it from our bodies to like, oh, I have a razor burn or I left, I have a pimple or do they notice my left boobs bigger than my right?

I mean, we think of all these things and it's like, who decided that there were against this perfect standard? I guess it's what we're seeing. You know, I'll media, I mean, this is the oldest debate. Like, when he just said that, I thought my body took a breath. I saw you. Yeah, I feel good to hear. Having your partner verbally adore your body. You know, and to say, you know, it is just so sexy having you just spread open like that. Like both your holes are like right there.

And that's what I'm seeing. I am loving to squeeze your flesh right now. It's so sexy in my hands and grab that big fat ass. Well, there's skinny boni asses of yours. You know, whatever you feel like, I'm seeing I am loving to squeeze your flesh right now. It's so sexy in my hands and grab that big fat ass. Or those skinny boniasses of yours. You know, whatever you've got, right? If your lover can offer some adoration. If it's wanted in back to the body sessions

or in the private sessions that we do, we do that. Like, would you like me to reflect how I see you? Would you like me to give you words of adoration? Right? And so that might look like, you know, your full that is so full and so pink. It's beautiful. Do you know, like, how beautiful all this? Right, it can be that. And that's really important to hear from a partner. That even made me relax and you're not even looking at my Volvo right now. That's not understanding. But that's not messy or iffy or pervy.

No. Okay, so it's context. So if the context is set, now I'm going to talk about like retreats and a practitioner. If the context is set, this I'm going to talk about like retreats and a practitioner. If the context is set, this is your practitioner, your educator, and he says, would you like me to offer reflections? In the context, he's not like seeking something from you. Yeah. Not going to take from you.

He's just offering to be a mirror and so that you can start to feel what it feels like To have your body or a door because most of us don't believe it And you'll need practice In receiving Adoration we need practice and receiving love We need practice in receiving love. We need practice in receiving gifts. I mean, I can tell you, Emily, you are so beautiful. But then if you were to say to me,

Hamlet, you look so great. I'm like, oh, thank you. I just, you do look great. I was way to the end and tell you that. But we brush it off. Instead of like having a moment and saying, well, thank you for seeing me. I actually feel pretty great today. It's always like, that's a great dress.

Oh, I got it on sale. Not, that's a great dress. Yeah, I spent money. I didn't have, because I wanted to discard in that dress. Like embracing a little bit our joy, our own generosity, not just for you, but for ourselves. It's okay to ask our partners for that, that we need adoration, but then we also have to learn how to take it in. And I often say to people when they say, well, I want my partner, or I'm nervous that a partner goes down to me and I'm afraid they don't want to be doing it.

And if you actually with someone who wants to be doing it, I always say, tell them, say, if you're going down to your partner, tell them that I'm not going anywhere, lay back, I have all night. Because the second we know that our partner actually wants to please us, so like, oh, you're gonna go down on me all night?

Well, then I'm here for it. So it's almost like, we're giving you guys a lot of options. They could talk about it. They could go to retreat. They could just decide that they're going to share some affirmations. Could be the thing that helps couples get unstuck and reconnected. And you know what the big pool is Emily, whatever they choose, you have to do it. Yeah. You actually have to do something. Like we'll run webinars. I'll see the same woman. Like she'll show up to every webinar in the same sweatpants and the same easy chair with her same story that you need 17 pounds to lose

before or the right moment or, you know, when Mars isn't in retrograde, but he always is. And so there is always going to be that obstacle. And so it's when you decide, I've wasted enough of my life. I've wasted enough of my life not having what I want. And it's going to be risky. It's going to take time. It's going to take some money.

It's going to take me a little uncomfortable to find the pleasure I want. And then you do it. And it's like, holy moly. You do the work. You got to do the work. People aren't willing to do the work. All right, we come back.

We answer a question from Abby, who's never had an orgasm before, and I asked Pamela in court my five quicky questions. We'll be right back. In this episode we discuss how sex changes as you age. For vulva owners, a huge part of that process happens during menopause or parimenopause. You may lose libido, experienced vaginal dryness, brain fog, and hot flashes. Well, if this sounds like you, I would just recommend checking out women's. They have amazing products that help through this process. I've never seen anything like this brand. They have something called their hot flash kit, which includes their dietary supplement,

Me No Paws, so clever, and they're gone in a flash cooling mist. I also love their vaginal moisturizer, daily V-sooth. Well, I have another question here. One more question from a listener. This is from Abby 33 in Illinois. And this is just reminding me what we're saying here. She says, Dr. Emily, I'm having a hard time

having an orgasm. I've never had one in my life. I would call myself a people pleaser, a giver, and I always want to make my husband happy during our love making. It worries me that I'll never experience having an orgasm I hear people talk about. My question is, if I never have an orgasm, is it okay to be content and being a giver instead of desperately wanting what I need and crave?

I think she answered her own question at the end. She said, is it okay to give this up? And obviously, she wouldn't have asked that question if she felt that it was okay. I think it's not okay for her, right? She's identified that she wants this. She desperately wants this. And so it's not okay. Period.

She should ask her partner to help her discover that. And maybe invite her partner to have a session that is just for her. Right. Just for her pleasure. Just say, babe, tonight's all about my pleasure. All about me. Go down on me.

You make love to me, but it's for me. I'm directing you. I'm asking for what I want. This is nothing to do with you, ma'am. You are my tool tonight, right? Then maybe- That's a leap, right? That's a leap though. She's never had an orgasm.

So, but I think that's where everyone listening to this, if it's, oh, if you are a pleaser and you feel like the sex is never about you, it's totally okay to say, how about tonight's about me and tomorrow's about you? You know, our work is somatic, right? It is body centered and it's so easy for me to say just ask your husband to you know and it's like you know there's a ton of I'm sure body stuff that's connected to emotions and so to even say those words can be really challenging. All you listeners buy a massage table, I own stock in none of it okay get a massage table start with giving each other out of course.

Start with massage. What a massage table allows you to do is have full access to the body. You can climb on a table. You know, all kinds of you have great sex on a massage table. I love, I have a massage table now and it's amazing. So I'll have like a partner come over and he's like, I'm going to set up the massage table. Will you finish work? And then I'll have like a partner come over and he's like, I'm gonna set up the massage table where you finish work and then I'll come out and I'll have the massage table and the oil and the can't I'm like Right, you know and just receive it's the literally game changer and it's better Yeah, keep it out about right if you can get a massage table It really helps you stay focused and you have more access I guess what we want to say to Abby is that

We don't think it's okay to be content being a giver instead of desperately wanting what you need in crave. No, we are telling you that it's time for you to, you wrote into the show. That's a great first step. I would even have this conversation with her husband, maybe even show him, maybe play this for him because I'm certain Abby, your husband wants to be a good lover to you and wants you to have orgasms and pleasure. And I can't imagine a husband reading that and saying, Oh, yeah, baby, it's totally a content for you to be a giver.

Let's go. Partners want to know what traits you want. They want to know how they're being touched. Like, you know, when I'm touching a lover, I'm going to know, like, it's at the right pressure. Does this, does this feel really good? You know, how can I make this feel better? And to teach couples how to have that conversation while keeping in hot?

Because it can be really hot. It's not how to experience getting to know it, getting to discover each other's bodies together. The oral is actually a really great lesson, right? This is how I like my coxuct. This is how I like my cox act. This is how I like my pussy eating, right? This is how I want you to do it. Let's play, let's play, just create, right?

If you think about it like that, like we're just gonna play time, right? It takes a little bit of the pressure off of it. So it's like we're gonna be play time for you tonight. Let's see what you like. Yeah, how fun. I want to know, I want to know, you've given me step-by-step guidance on how you want it done tonight. It's all about you. Like that could be really sexy and fun. It doesn't have to be this like, no, to the left, to the left. You know, if you agree on it ahead of time,

it's a fun game. If there's a fun game, we got the loops here, let's play, we're gonna find your orgasm. Yeah. And she found her own orgasm. Yes, have you mastered, have you found your orgasm? Because sometimes it's really hard when we have a partner. I remember I had a partner once when I had an orgasm, he kept trying, we went to good vibrations and we bought all the toys,

but then I still felt that pressure that I had to leave and try on my own finally. We were trying for like a few months because then I could do all the faces and do all the things I go at my own pace without the pressure of someone Wanting me to orgasm. So I'll be I guess can decide whatever works for but you're gonna be responsible for your own Orgasm whether it's on your own masturbating or it's signing your partner up to come along on this fun journey together But that's how it's going to happen Abby and it's doing the work and taking the steps. I could've talked about. What are you most excited about right now? Since I've seen you last.

I am the most excited right now about midlife sexuality and about all the bullshit that's been fed to women and men about manopause and menopause. And the judgment and shame that we throw on people who are actually working with what's available now so that they're inside match. They're outside in the home runs of working for them so that the 40s 50s 60s 70s dare I say 80s. Yes. Full of really hot sex. And I think we have to, like, really chatting. Courts a little bit younger than me, just like, you know,

just a little bit like you know. We don't know how we don't know how to jump. It's counting decades. I mean, that's just so old that. No money. And at 40, he was, you know, starting to talk about, you know, that's an older person, like around 62. And I was like, Oh, you boy, you just, you just, you just change that idea because yes, maybe when you were growing up,

62 is when you retired and 62 was considered older, but I know people, it's 62 now that we need to consider retiring, or they're launching your third or their fourth chapter and they're hotter than ever. And so it's sort of about we frame midlife sexuality, understanding Emily, the difference between biological aging

and sociological aging. Let's talk about it. First of all, we have so many advances in medicine, right? So men, you know, when they turn like early 30s, their testosterone starts to decline, their hormone levels start to decline. And so you start to lose muscle faster. You recover less quickly at the gym.

Your libido is not as strong. So, you know, there are options for men and women to take hormone replacements that are medically supervised and doctor-supervised that do help you have a more vital life. And then are different than your mothers and fathers testosterone? Right. Typically what we hear is that men in their 40s start to have a drop in testosterone, but the truth is for all genders, your testosterone's gonna drop definitely after your mid-20s.

But for some, it varies depending on the lifestyle you've had, if you've taken hormones before, if you've taken birth control pill, or how healthy you are, right? So it's really about monitoring your hormones, getting them tested, and then realizing there's new options right now that are not your mother's hormones. Mother nature, okay, really didn't expect this of us to live so long. And so mother nature is like living in a whole other time zone from us. So mother nature is like very cute.

She thinks of women should have their babies at about 15. Because that's when we are the most veer old. That's when we're the most fertile. And at age 27 is when a woman's fertility begins to decline. Now, I have a child who's 27. And I'm just beginning to think of him as an adult person. Okay. Like, not at the end of his reproductive, like him and his like why

that doesn't exist. Um, not at the end of their reproductive decline. And so it's, it's the same, you use that same model, Emily, that our bodies haven't quite caught up yet with our sociological lives, which is your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s can be the sexiest, juiciest parts of our life. And our bodies are like, whoa, I'm confused. What are you doing? You're still alive.

Yeah, I don't even like the term midlife. Who decides what that is? Right. I want to say that one replacement in hormone therapy is a total personal choice. And it's not necessary for everyone. I think what is important is that the Pamela's point, like our society is changing, and to be 50, 60, you can be sexually vibrant at all of these

ages. It doesn't stop, right? I mean my dad is in his 70s and he's pretty clear with me that he and his wife are still really active. My mother, we're driving for Chinese food, you know, at four o'clock, which has been old people go, older people go, she's a super senior, she's 95. She was like, Pamela, we need to stop at the Walgreens. I said, okay, Ma, what do you need? You know that Lou Berkent for the private parts.

I was like, right, Ma, because you know Pamela, that when you sell pleasure at night and you wake up, I like that toy you gave me, but the Lou, you sleep better. Didn't she go to one of your retreats? She went. She went. Thank you so much Pamela and Court, I have to ask you each the five questions we ask all of our guests. They're quicky questions. What's your biggest turn on? I want to say right now it's court. Me too.

Court, what's your biggest turn on? What? Right now, control. Okay. What's your biggest turn off? Lack of attention. Deodorant. What's your biggest turn off? lack of attention Deodorant What makes good sex Being warned play Court of being embodied and having time

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships It's gonna get better Same What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? They can have the best sex of your life at any age and they can start at any time. That the things that scare you the most are the things that are probably gonna be the most exciting. Love it! Great answers. Thank you both. Okay. Tell me where everyone can find you. And we'll put this all on the show notes. They can find us at BacksWithBody.org. And you know, even though Courtney are booked right now through March for privates,

I have other teams working so they can email. And if you want to be willing to plan for the future, because I recommend it. They can check that out, turn off the newsletter, find out about the retreats. We are accessible. You can find me at the Pamela Madison and at Quartbox. There's a whole team of people who want to support you and give you lots of information about what's available now from your home or get her an airplane with us. Just get that thing. Thank you both so much. Thank you. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this

with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week, find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many great articles that I've deepened to topics like, How do I have multiple orgasms?

How do I last longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex? What sex toys should I try? And so much more. Sign up for weekly emails. I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you?

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