Sex With Emily - Ask Emily: I Can’t Orgasm Without...

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

On today’s Ask Emily show, I answer your sex and relationship questions. I cover what to do if you’re questioning your sexuality while married with kids, how to initiate your first threesome, when (if ever) you should tell your partner how many people you’ve slept with, and ways to get more comfortable while giving oral sex.I also talk about what to do if the porn you watch makes you feel guilty, how to approach exploring a fetish without shame, what to do if you disagree with your partner about having another child and what it means when you cry after sex.Show Notes:Yes No Maybe ListFetlife#OpenFeeld For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You know, there's a lot of reasons why people might like golden showers. Sometimes it could be a humiliation thing. You know, there's also a sensory aspect to it. It's warm, part of the person, it's intimacy, it's a little bit taboo. Some people had picked up things in their formative years that sort of shaped their really strong fantasies or fetishes. Some people just like the smell. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation

around sex. On today's Ask Emily Show, I answer your sex and relationship questions. I cover what to do if you're questioning your sexuality while married with kids. How to initiate your first threesome, when, if ever, you should tell your partner how many people you've slept with, and ways to get more comfortable physically while giving oral sex. I also talk about what to do if the poor new watch makes you feel guilty, how to approach exploring a fetish without shame, and what it means if you cry after sex.

Intentions with Emily. Each episode join me in setting an intention. I promise when you do that, it helps you really get something out of this episode that you're going to take with you. My intention was just to answer your questions because we get so many of them, which I love answering.

But I wanted to emphasize normalizing your sex concerns from your deepest fantasies, the kind of porn you watch, and making all the sex talks less awkward. All right, we have a great new article on the website, four easy ways to start exploring kink with a partner. And as always, if you want to ask me a question, call my new hotline. It's 559 Talk Sex, or 559 825 5739.

Leave me your questions there or just message me. sexwithemily.com slash askemily. As always include your name, your gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. This is from Michael. Hey Dr. Emily, first thanks for taking my question. I've been so confused.

I didn't even know if I should send this. My wife and I have been married for over 24 years. Recently I was performing oral on her and in the middle of the act, she said, I don't know why you like doing that. I don't like it. I was floored. It was like a gut punch after 24 years. My wife was a virgin when we got together and one of the first things we did was oral

and I had experience with it. Over the years, she's had multiple orgasms during the act as well as other methods. I can't get out of my head now. I love doing oral as if it's a part of me. The thought of doing it to someone who doesn't like the act does nothing for me. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of a loved one. Before she made the statement the previous night, I was really into the oral and I kissed her after I did it and that's what she said grossed her out. I apologized and said I wouldn't kiss her again after. But now I believe she's always thought it was gross despite the orgasms or the kiss. Well, I'd never be able to give her oral again. I'm just uncomfortable and it won't be

the same. Please help. Thank you. Okay, Michael. Listen, you've been with your wife for 24 years. It's a long time. And so I think this isn't something that you have to figure out on your own. You could calmly talk to her outside the bedroom when you guys are in a good vibe. You could, you know, I always talk about timing, turf, and tone, have the conversation from a curious and open place. And you could just say, you know, I heard what you said the other night

about not liking oral, not wanting oral. And I'd love to know more about that. Can you just let me know when that started or is there something I could do to make it better? Or just you could just say, tell me more about that. And maybe you'll find out, well, she'd ever really liked it or maybe she's having pain now, so it hurts.

And maybe she's ashamed that she has pain, which a lot of women feel like they shouldn't have pain, or they just grin and bear it. I don't know, what's find out? We have no idea. But you are going right to this. Oh my God, it's not gonna happen again. Dooms me, my life is over, no.

Like anything, if your wife came down one day and said, you know, let's say every single Friday night you have chicken, and she came downstairs and said, I hate chicken. I'm never eating chicken again, and we are done. And you're like, babe, but we have chicken every night for 20 years. When you say to her, why?

What the chicken do? We just don't know how to handle it. It's okay to have conversations about sex with people you're having sex with, people you're naked and vulnerable and have children with and share lives with. If you're not going to talk to them about it, how you over going to know if it can improve or you can get your needs met, I'm just encouraging you all to start a new practice talking about sex in a healthy way. Okay, this is from a female on Instagram.

Is it normal to cry during or after sex, especially during times of intense stress in life? Yes, it's so normal to cry. Crying after sex is when it's post-coiled dysphoria. That includes tearfulness, sadness, and irritability after consensual sex, even if it was perfectly satisfying. And there's many reasons why we cry during sex, and this is for all genders, men cry,

women cry after sex. It's intense to be with someone more naked, more vulnerable. You know, when we have intense physical pleasure, it can definitely overwhelm our bodies, so it would make sense that you might cry. There's also a biological response. It could be hormonal changes that happen during sex, which can lead to intense emotions. And clinging is also really healthy. It could reduce tension and intensify physical arousal. And maybe if you have been in a dry spell for a while, this has happened to me.

And you suddenly let go of all that pent-up energy that could also bring you to tears. Now, listen, you might cry tears because you have pain with sex. And if you have pain during sex, that's a whole nother conversation. And we talk about that a lot on the show. My advice for you is just to write out the tears and it's okay to cry and I'm going to assume you're with a partner who fully embraces it because I know when I've cried after sex, my partners find it pretty awesome. They're not freaked out. And if they are, I'll explain. because I know when I've cried after sex, my partners find it pretty awesome.

They're not freaked out. And if they are, I'll explain. I'm like, oh no, it's good. I'm just feeling so much. Tears are healing. Have a good cry this week. It's good for you. This is from Owen 35 in the United Kingdom.

Hi, Dr. Emily. I'm a married man and I have a daughter. I'm a family man. But I'm forever questioning my sexuality. I'm turned on by men, and I only look at gay porn, and I get really turned on. Other porn doesn't do it for me. I can have sex with women. It's just not the same. I love my wife more than anything. I don't think I could be romantically involved with a man. It's never happened, so I'm unsure. I've always said I'm

bisexual, leaning towards men, but I'm forever asking myself, am I gay and in denial? The messed up part is I genuinely love my wife and I'm happy. I've never cheated or hurt her, I'm just beating myself up. Have I lied to myself for so long that I believe I'm not gay? Could I be sexually gay and romantically straight? And to finish, if I was gay, my fear isn't being gay. It would be the ups that I would cause my wife and family, the pain for her. Please help. Here's the thing, Owen,

thank you for your heartfelt, vulnerable, really descriptive message. I feel like I know where you're at. There's a few things going on here. Perhaps you were raised in a really religious home growing up or environment and people who were gay were not accepted. It wasn't okay. People around you maybe weren't out as gay and perhaps at a really young age, before you even could be aware of it, you got the message, it wasn't okay to be gay. And so you repressed feelings that you had towards men, found a wonderful woman that you loved deeply, and you got married. When we're gay, bisexual, pansexual, however you want to call it, and we've attractions to people other than our spouse or other than the gender that we thought we would be attracted

to, it really can be troubling. It doesn't just go away. You're getting older, you're 35 now, and you can't get out of your head. Have you heard the saying, whatever you resist, persists? I feel like this is a great example of that. Unfortunately, things don't just disappear after we think about them for too long. They actually get more and more intense because we're pushing them down, we're pushing them down, and they just get bigger and bigger, and they expand. So, I recommend you see a sex therapist because therapy would

be a great way for you to process this all so you don't have to do it all on your own. Now let's say it wasn't that you grew up in an environment like that or it hasn't been part of your development as a human. And maybe you are bisexual and you truly have sex with your wife and you still crave men. And I'm working towards a world where we can all express our desires to our partners, our fantasies, our fetishes, the things that we're into. And we have a better dialogue to process it and realize that it doesn't have to mean the end of our marriage.

It doesn't have to mean, you know, infidelity or you don't love me anymore. I believe in the possibility of being attracted to many different kinds of people. And maybe sometimes at once. And so there is a chance once you go to therapy and you process this that perhaps your wife, you know, you get some tools together and you talk to your wife and maybe she'll be okay with strict boundaries and understanding it. And I know you're probably thinking your wife's going to be like, hello, she's going to think I'm gay and kick me out of the house. And that's the other thing I want to say. So when you just go to this extreme place, like my partner would never do it.

And you're right, but it's likely because they don't have a lot of information. Maybe you haven't slowed down and been able to express to them why you have a certain fantasy or why you want to try something. Because it's also okay for Owen to say to his wife when he's ready, it's part of my eroticism

that I developed at a young age, whatever you figure out here in your journey Owen and It's part of what turns me on sexually you still turn me on and it's something that I want to explore and I feel like I love you You're my wife. I want to be with you till forever But I'm unsettled in a way and I don't feel like I'm truly living my sexual truth and Might take a few conversations. Maybe she, hell no, but then you're further along to dealing with an issue that's been troubling you for years. Okay, Owen? Let me know how it goes. I know this isn't easy. I just think the world is changing and we're understanding and seeing

more examples of people in alternative relationships that they get to decide what works for them, not based on any government law or societal norms. This is from Paul. Hey Dr. Emily, I have a quick question for you. I have a lot of female friends and years ago, I had sub with some of them before my girlfriend and I started dating. I've been with my girlfriend for a year.

And now my girlfriend thinks I should tell her who I'd sub with in the past, how often. Is that something I should share? I think it's in the past and not in any of our business. Any recommendations on if I should share this info with her or should I tell her it's not really important or relevant to us now? Thanks for any help you might have. All right, Paul, here's my take.

So your situation is a little bit different, but I do have very strong opinions on this. I think that it's something that we do when we're starting to date someone a few weeks in or a few months in and we're like, so how many people have you slept with? And we think that's okay to ask and we also think it's okay to answer. But if you think about it, why have you asked that question ever? You probably ask because you're trying to get some more information. Am I as good as their past lovers?

Am I bad? Do I measure up? Do they have more experience than I do or do they have less experience? So we're actually using it to create a judgment and I don't think you can judge anybody about their sexual past. In the sense of what are you going to know if they've slept with 30 people or 10 people? It's definitely not going to mean if they're a great lover or not because I can tell you people have slept with hundreds of people or not necessarily the best lovers. In fact, I found that people in longer term relationships that have been more serial monogamous tend to be able to adapt to new partners because they've already been with somebody where they learned what their needs were and all those things.

So I think if a partner asks you this question, you can say, you know what? All I'm focused on right now is the incredible sex that we're having. And I really don't want to go back to the past. I love being here with you in the present and I can't wait to explore more. Now, my only concern here is that if she's friends with these ex-girlfriends, it might come out. They might tell her, she might ask you point blank about one of these girls and then it does feel

a little bit like a lie because I could see her point being like, why do you tell me? So what I do is I'm friends with a lot of my exes if you've been following along, you know, I say that and I am. I had a birthday party recently. Three of them were here. Haven't stayed them in years.

Now I wasn't friends with them after the break up. I you always need a separation. You need a time where you don't talk and you move out with your lives. You see other people. And if it was really a true enduring friendship that was meant to be, which it sounds like, Paul, that's what you have, which I think is a beautiful thing.

It shows that just because romantic relationships end, it doesn't mean the friendship has to die. Now, this doesn't go for like toxic relationships or someone who is abusive, best to lose their numbers forever. But I think the friendships you can have with X is when we get older, we mature, we learn these skills can be really beautiful. So you could let or know, I wasn't sure how you'd react to this, some people get jealous, but I want you to know that these are just my friends and I'm excited that you like them too. Now what I do is when my current lovers meet my past lovers, they're like, oh yeah, that's

Bob, he's my ex from, you know, a few years ago, we're great friends. Now if I'm bringing my partner into the truth and meeting my ex is like, guys, I date are not jealous, they understand. They're like, oh, that's my ex from, you know, a few years ago, we're great friends. Now, if I'm bringing my partner into the truth and meeting my exes like, guys, I date are not jealous, they understand. They're like, oh, that's cool, yeah, you know? They sit in the corner and talking. So it's another thing that I would really like to people that think differently about your exes.

Now, this doesn't go for exes you still want to sleep with. It doesn't go for exes that you're still in toxic cycle with, but I do think it's possible to stay friends. But I do think that you could probably say this turn away that she would understand you and know why you're ready to speak your truth. You get to decide, okay? After the break, Tom asks what to do about his net-getting store after performing oral on Volvo owners. Alright, this is from Tom 23 in Fort Lauderdale. Hey Dr. Mlee, I love your show.

When I perform oral sex on a girl for a while, my neck usually gets tired. What kind of muscle is that? Is there something I can do to work it out and make it stronger so it won't get as tired during oral? Alright, so a lot of us get uncomfortable during sex. We give weird neck cramps or arm cramps. You're probably tensing up your shoulders, you're holding tension in your neck. In a position where you're so into the moment, I hope, of ravishing your girl, that you

don't realize that you're not actually breathing, you're not in a comfortable position. So I would get some pillows, I would get some cushions, and try to find a different position, and make sure that your head is supported so you can actually give it oral sex and feel good about it. You could also have her sit on your face and you have a pillow under your neck and you're just sitting there doing the work. You could even when you're home right now, just so you may be if you're not with your girl, you could think about it.

Like put yourself into that position that hurts and then think, what do I need in this moment to feel more comfortable? And you could try other positions. You could be standing up. You could be on your knees. She could be lying on the bed and you're like leaning over her. Just try to think about ways that you can be comfortable and still have easy access. Okay, thanks Tom. This is from E from Instagram. 20. She's a female. I love you in your podcast Emily. I'm going to admit to a problem I believe I've had for a long time.

I'm an attractive 20 year old female and I watch extreme pornography. Lesbian prolapse gay men fisting lesbian pissed drinking and it disgusts me. Every time I watch and finish, I hate myself. I think this is not normal. I can't have an orgasm ever without watching porn. I hate that I can't ever be satisfied completely with sex. I enjoy sex, but because I've been desensitized, I can't come.

I've tried to stop, but I keep watching it because I can't orgasm without either watching something far out or thinking about it. I'm asking if you have advice, how to stop, and I can reach the big O with a guy. All right, this is a common thing that's happened now. We've a lot of us are escalating, the kind of porn we're watching that gets to an extreme place, and then we realize I can't orgasm without it. So what do we do? Let's talk about the fact that you're 20 years old, and you're already writing in for some help on this, which is great. And you are not doomed and this doesn't mean this is the

only way you're going to be able to get off. But sometimes we need a little discipline and we have to challenge ourselves to break habits that aren't working for us. So what you can think about here first is when you're masturbating, what's going on right before? Are you stressed? Are you happy? Do you just have an extra minute or using it to relieve tension or stress? Because I'm not going to pathologize the fact that you masturbate or watch porn. It's important for you to think like, what are you trying to avoid, though? Because sometimes watching porn isn't about porn. It's about taking your tension away from something or maybe distracting yourself for your numbing or self-medicating.

And you could even do a practice of, I'm watching porn instead of feeling blank and fill that in and get present to what's happening in the moment when you reach for this extreme porn. And then like any other habit we're trying to change, you just substitute it with another behavior that is a similar effect. Is there something else that can get you that same feeling like working out, cardio? What helps you feel alive and elated besides orgasm? You can also join a community,

there's communities of people who want to quit watching porn and you can find them at subreddits online for people who can talk about all the things that they've done. And then I'm not saying you don't have to masturbate but what you're saying is you tried and you were watching porn. And then it got worse.

You tried not to, but you could have an orgasm. So I want you to also think about, besides porn, what really turned you on? I mean, I always practice doing some mindful masturbation, where you're really sitting with yourself, you can go through the mental library of images and partners, you can go through the mental library of images and partners. You can notice things in your environment that turn you on and even notice in your

body. That's masturbation without the goal of orgasm, although it might happen and the goal is exploration, exploring your body, looking for what turned you on, discovering other erogenous zones. That's what it's all about, okay? Life is not over. Just take a few of these steps and see what you can do to get a handle on it

and learn more about yourself. And then I promise you'll be able to move on and have awesome sex. This is from David, 35 in Nebraska. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm 35. I've been married for four years. A little over a year ago, my wife told me that she was beginning to feel distant.

I've been traveling for work and she was lonely. Then she started to get used to the loneliness and felt that maybe she wanted to be alone. We tried couples therapy and that was somewhat helpful. Helpful for me because it was the push I needed to ask for a recommendation from my own therapist. Everything seemed to be going well, but then three months ago, my wife asked for a separation out of nowhere. She said she felt that maybe we had too many differences and that she just didn't feel connected. It was painfully apparent during sex, where I also sometimes continue to struggle with anxiety. I've since moved into my own place, but were currently in limbo. She says she loves me, but doesn't know what she wants. We're not yet seeking a divorce, but I realize

how few couples come back from a separation. I don't know what to do while I wait for her to figure herself out. What else can I be doing? All right, well, I love that you are in therapy. And I think the most important thing that you can do right now is work on yourself. If you found a therapist you like, go every week like it's your job because it is. Take time to process before. What do I want to get out of today's session? When you leave, write down notes about what you gathered from the session and you could think about

during the week. We invest a lot in therapy and sure we could just show up for 50 minutes or we could really use it like it's a class or something or it's a course you're taking and you're earning a certificate and you are the subject matter. But I think sometimes we just kind of like, oh, therapy, I got to go in and go out. I'm glad I got it over with. But if you're looking at your therapy like that, you need to find a new therapist or you need to clear space in your calendar so you can really look at it like another project because you're not going to say you could go buy your flowers and go sweep her off her feet again and do all these things. She's got to figure her stuff out. And I think you have to figure out, you said you were surprised that the separation was out of nowhere, but

I think it's not out of nowhere, especially if she had said things to you a few months earlier, a year earlier. Those are all signs. So I know that if you go to therapy, you're going to start to learn more about yourself and the way you process information. And maybe there was something in the relationship that wasn't working for you but you didn't really allow yourself time to really sink into it. And continue to talk to your wife and if she's someone who's about therapy she might appreciate to hear the kind of work you're doing and the growth factors. I don't think that people should just get back together if nothing's changed. There's a reason why she left. I'm not saying it's all your fault. It's definitely it's two of you in the relationship. It's a 50-50 split. There's a reason why she left. I'm not saying it's all your fault. It's definitely. It's

two of you in the relationship. It's a 50-50 split. There is still some communication you can learn together. So I don't know if you guys are still going to therapy together. That could be great once a month to still go together while you do your own practice. So you're doing all the right things. Be prepared to just learn a lot more about yourself and start doing the work. That's why we're all here. Gotta do the work. This is from Nate, 35 in the UK. Hey Dr. Emily, I recently developed a pea fetish or golden shower as they call it. And it seems to be getting stronger

that thought of watching a woman pee or being peeed on my woman does strongly stimulate me. I've never experienced this before and it's something I'd like to try. Is a pea fetish or a golden shower, a common type of fetish and is it normal? Why would people want to experience this? What are the causes of desiring a fetish such as this?

How would I approach the subject with my girlfriend? I'm worried they might not be into it and it's something I want to try. Many thanks for your time and look forward to your spots. It's a very common fantasy and you know essentially someone's being on someone else. They're watching it, they're drinking it. It is common. You know, there's a lot of reasons why people might like golden showers, why they become part of their eroticism. Sometimes it could be a

humiliation thing, you know, pee associated with being dirty and private. And so maybe that's part of the turn on. There's also a sensory aspect to it. It's warm, you know, it's part of the person. It's intimacy. It's still a little bit taboo. Some people just like the smell. Some people had things picked up things in their formative years. It sort of shaped their really strong fantasies or fetishes. And so really only you could answer it. If you did some deep diving, when was the first time you had this fantasy? Did you see it somewhere? Did you hear about it?

Was something happening in the moment? Do you have an early memory about pee? About someone peeing and you were watching? Are they peed on you? It could have been like a sibling or a cousin. But something happens in that moment where maybe you were linked up a radicism with that situation when you were watching it or experiencing it. So this is really for you to do some investigative work on your own psyche.

However, there is nothing to worry about going back to your partner though. I do think that since sex isn't so comfortable for everybody to talk about, most people aren't aware of their fantasies or what turns them on. To start with, I've got a golden shower's fetish could freak people out. So not my circle of friends, but make sure that you're with a partner that you trust and that you already started to have a dialogue around your turn-ons, your fantasies. One of the most memorable times she had sex with you? What are the most memorable times you've had sex with her? You guys could check out our Yes, No, Maybe list.

Yes, I will mention that on every single show because so many of you are loving it. It's on our website. If you go to sexwithamily.com, you just download the Yes, No, Maybe list and it gives you a bunch of ideas about things to explore in the bedroom. You could just start there and see where your yes is, where your nose, maybe you'll probably learn a lot about each other. And then once you progress in your conversation, you can say, well, one of my fantasies is Golden Showers and here's why. And here's how it would look. I mean, maybe it's in the shower and you wanted to pee on you in the shower. Like, that's not so back, right? That's dipping our toes in the urine. So I think

there's ways around this. Please don't beat yourself up and just explore it more. Become an expert in your own fantasy life. Be right back with more of your questions. After the break, Jeremy is wondering how to tell his wife he doesn't want to have another kid. This is from Sean Forty in New Jersey. Dr. Emily, over the last few years, my wife has been dealing with weight issues. Lately, combined with the pandemic, her body consciousness has become a big issue that's been impacting our physical relationship. She's uncomfortable with much physical contact below her breasts. I still find my wife very attractive attractive and I tell her this frequently.

I try to use small, affectionate touches, but she squirms away or just extremely uncomfortable, but doesn't say anything and it builds up mentally. Other than verbally, how else can I help my wife do with her body consciousness and re-engage in our sexual relationship? Okay, Sean, it's really, here's the thing about confidence is that it's really is an inside job

and it's something that we all have to learn to figure out what we don't feel great about ourselves, we go to therapy, we work on our body, acceptance, and an idea for you would be to investigate in the past when you have had an impact and had the ability to help your wife move through challenges or problems. What worked? Is she someone who really like words? I mean, think about the love languages. Is she someone who really like words of encouragement?

Doesn't sound like it now because you said you keep telling her. Although, by the way, that's a hard one. People could tell us all day long that we're smart and pretty and beautiful and successful, but you ever notice it's really hard to feel it in ourselves? Or maybe she really wants more time with you. You know, maybe if you guys were spending time together and you're going on a walk or you're hanging out and you could just say, I really see that this has been

a struggle for you and it's so hard for me to see you in so much pain around your body. Is there anything I can do to help you and to allow you to feel better in this area? What could I do to support you? Because you know how I love you and you know I think you're beautiful. And then just listen, they hate seeing you in pain like that. Have you come up with an idea as how you could feel better? And I know you don't want to be like, well, here's a gym membership or here's a, you know,

whatever, a diet plan. I mean, that's really tough. But I think if she's having a hard time maybe getting started on self-care, maybe you guys could do something together. I love when couples take up exercise together, they join a hiking club or they do something because that's also a great way to enhance intimacy is to learn something new together. So maybe there's some things you could do this summer where you're moving your bodies and you're connecting, but I'm also sorry that it's impacting your sex life, but I think it's going to be hard to go in and say, you better get this together because I really want to be having sex with you again Now maybe there's other things she can do you guys could do some mutual masturbation Maybe there could just be oral one night or she doesn't want to be touched

But you know, maybe there could just be some other kind of touch Maybe there could be some other kind of touch that's just a satisfying for you while she's, you know, kind of working on herself, but I think to be a gentle, loving, consistent husband and where you're listening and finding out what she actually needs will go a long way towards everyone getting their needs met. Okay, this is from Brock, 36 in Texas. Hey, Dr. Emily, my wife and I have been married for eight years and we have a great sex life. We recently have begun role-playing, talking about another man that is more well-endowed and we both really love it. We've also talked about introducing a threesome or a situation where I watch her of sex,

but after the passion wears off from our sex sessions, she's backs off on those thoughts and doesn't want to do it. I respect her decision either way, but I think she'd really enjoy it. What advice do you have for speaking with her about this further and how could it impact our relationship if it happens? Alright, Brock, first off, you're doing exactly what I always recommend to couples who are thinking they might want to have a threesome, and that is role played in the bedroom. Right now I'm picturing that there's like three other women here or two women and a man

and this is happening, they're going down on you while I'm having sex, while I'm picturing that there's like three other women here or two women and a man and they're this is happening They're going down on you while I'm having sexable. I'm penetrating you you create scenarios And then you think about it. How did that turn me on? Did that make me uncomfortable? So that's a great first step So you're saying that in the moment she's really into it and then outside the bedroom She's like nope now there might be a disconnect here Maybe she doesn't really know what that would look like. Maybe she still has more questions about it.

Maybe she has some more concerns. And I think that with sex sometimes, we just say no to things because we don't really have enough information. But since we don't feel comfortable asking for clarification, we just say no, because it's foreign to us. So, I mean, what I would recommend to you

is talking to her and saying, I'm curious, could you tell me more about your response? It seems like it really gets you turned on, and then you don't want to do it. What do you think that is? I'm really curious. There is no pressure here, but what is it that is uncomfortable for you? And maybe she'll say,

well, I don't want you to get jealous, because you're a jealous person, Brock, or actually, I realize that I'd rather be with a woman than a man, or she might just say, I don't know how we'd find someone that seems hard. Well, if she's got specific examples, well, I could tell you there's a lot of great dating apps you could go to, like Field and Fet Life, Field as FEELD and Hashtag Open. There are apps that actually matching people in three sums, married couples finding a third, it's happening all over the place, Brock.

So that's one thing. And couples also should set boundaries. Some couples set boundaries that you're not allowed to see the same person twice, that there shouldn't be any texting exchanges. It should only be when you're out of the state or out of the country. There's no kissing, there's no penetration.

So there's a lot that goes into discussing it, but I would just kind of see if you can get her to talk about it outside the bedroom and let me know how it goes, Brock, okay? It just seems like you need some more conversations and a little bit more understanding. This is from Jeremy 30 in Kansas. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm New to your show, and I was just browsing Spotify and I found you, been loving your show ever since. I have a question about marriage and babies.

How do I go about talking to my wife about not wanting another kid when she wants one? We've already had one together. I have my reasons as to why I don't, but am I being selfish? I don't feel like there's a way to compromise when it comes to making a big decision like this. Her sex drive went downhill after having the first, and now sex doesn't happen very often. Anything I can do to help spice it back up, we've been together for six years married for five, please help. Alright Jeremy, yes, I agree with you that it's not a decision that should be made lightly. Perhaps one of the reasons why you don't want to have another kid is because you feel like you lost your wife when you were a child.

You felt somewhat demoted. You were not at her top priority. And this is common, right? This happens after a baby and, you know, the hormones change and for many, many women, their sex drives change. And so I think if you have an honest conversation with your wife and you say, I've been having some concerns lately about it.

I just really miss our connection and I miss our sex life and I miss having you. And it's hard for me to feel that we are so separate now. We haven't been able to repair. Go get to a place where I feel connected. I mean, those are your real emotions. No one can argue with those. And maybe after heartfelt conversations,

you'll start to understand both sides and maybe you feel like you want to have another baby. Or maybe it'll bring up other things in your relationship that you need to talk about, because we all have things that we need to talk about in relationships and we often don't do them. So, healthy conversations from honesty and from the heart. Okay, Jeremy? Thanks for your question. Tim 35 in Cleveland. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a 35 year old male that's sexually active.

I've had trouble having orgasms during sex when I'm the partner that's doing the movement. I have a much easier time getting to the top of the mountain when my partner is moving on me. What things can I do to fix this so it's possible for me to orgasm in any position while I'm the one doing the work? Okay, this is interesting Tim, so what you're saying is, if you're just lying on the bottom,

let's say you're in missionary, and your partner's on top of you, moving back and forth and doing all the work and you're just lying there, you can orgasm, no problem, but when you're in charge and moving, you can't. And so what comes to my mind is, is there something going on in your head?

Are you worried that you're not gonna please a partner? Does it feel like you've too much control at that moment and do you get into your head? Because a lot of times we can't orgasm. A lot of it is psychological. So there's nothing wrong with you. Or it's pattern or conditioning. Maybe you always came by doing nothing. And so it's really just practice of calling it out. If you're with a partner, you could say, talk about it. Just say, hey, I realize I'm going to start practicing like moving around more. I just feel like I really love watching you the way you move on top of me, but I'd also like to be able to come when I'm moving around

as well. I just think this is the way that you have been conditioned and talking to a part about maybe you need some more foreplay ahead of time. Maybe she'll give you a blowjob or hand job and get you more engaged in a different way sexually. So I think that this is not an absolute. Your life is not going to end with you not being able to move during intercourse,

but I think it's a matter of rewiring and practicing some mindfulness exercises. So, when you are in your head, you can just go back to your breath and the moment and what's happening, grounding yourself in your senses. What am I seeing? What am I smelling? What am I tasting? And that might really help you be centered and focus on the moment if your head's going to, this isn't going to work. I'm not going to come. You have to realize it. So much of this is conditioning. It didn't happen to us a few times. And now we think we can only orgasm a certain way, but none of that is true. We just have to retrain our bodies, our minds. It's all possible. Promise.

Okay, thanks for emailing him. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We released two to three episodes a week. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you want to ask me a question about sex dating or relationships, you can email me feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily.

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