Sex With Emily - Ask Emily: Oral, Orgasms & Anal

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

First comes love, then comes anal. Isn’t that how the song goes? On today’s best of show, we’re talking your sexual firsts: your first dating app, oral sex experience, anal play, and so much more. I help you face your fears so you can radically expand your pleasure potential. Up first: she’s 32 weeks pregnant and wants to keep her partner satisfied – but she’s never given him oral. Where to begin? He wants his wife to experience sex with another woman, so they can have their first threesome. But is she truly into the idea or just going along with it to please him? And last but not least - she’s got a play partner who wants to try anal, but has her reservations regarding pain and hygeine. How do you avoid a messy situation? We will unravel all this and more.Show Notes:7 New Ways to Use a Magic WandAsk Emily: How Do I Deal with Anxiety During Sex?6 Tips for Mastering the Game-Changing Technique of Mindful MasturbationHow to Make an Awesome Dating App ProfileAsk Emily: How Do I Attract a Healthy Relationship?How to Give a Better BlowjobAsk Emily: I Hate Giving My Partner Oral SexAsk Emily: How Do We Prepare for a Threesome?Ask Emily: How Do We Find Someone for a Threesome?Yes, No, Maybe List: Find New Ways to PlaySex With Emily GuidesHow to Explore Anal Sex8 Tips for the Best Anal EverEasing Into Anal (Everything But Insertion)The 7 Best Positions For Butt Sex Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

No one is perfect at sex. The only time we see sex that is so-called perfect is like imporn or the movies, but real sex can be funny and fun and to me, that's even hotter. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. First comes love, then comes anal. Is that how the sound goes? Well, on today's best-of-show, we're talking your sexual first, your first

dating app, oral sex experience, anal play, and so much more. I help you face your fears so you can radically expand your pleasure potential. Up first, she's 32 weeks pregnant and wants to keep her partner satisfied, but she's never given him oral. Where to begin? He wants his partner to experience sex with another woman so they can have their first threesome. But is she truly into the idea or just going along with it to please him?

And last, but not least, she's got a play partner who wants to try anal. But she has her reservations regarding pain and hygiene, which are common concerns. So how do you avoid a messy situation? Well, we're going to unravel this, and so much more in this episode. Alright, intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it, I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what would you like to get out of this episode?

My intention is to help you understand that no one is born a sex expert. The secret to have an amazing experience is the same as it is with any sexual encounter, patience, communication, and an open mind. Please rate and review sexual to Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Seven Ways to Use a Magic Wand, is up at sectedendly.com. Forward slash, Magic Wand. That's M-A-G-I-C-W-A-N-D. And speaking of magic wand,

love, love the magic wand. Oh gosh, have you guys tried the magic wand? I mean, you probably have heard of it. It's been around for over 50 years. It was released in 1968. It's sort of a cultural icon truly. And time magazine ended one of the most influential gadgets of this

century. So I forgot this article up because it's super inspirational for you to think about like how else could I use a magic wand or just remind you that well you'd probably really like to have a magic wand. And they have few different models right now. I'm obsessed with their new one, the Mini, the magic wand Mini and it's smaller but it's super mighty. It's just a shorter narrow version of the Magic One Rechargeable and really a size for the side and updated logo and buttons. It's nearly identical and I use it with partner and sex on my own. It is my go-to vibe. So check out more about that sexacademic.com sites from Magic One. Also check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions,

leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline. 5.5.9. Talk sex or 5.5.9. 8.25.57.39. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show, and totally cool to change your name, or choose to remain anonymous. And how you listen to the show,

and totally cool to change your name, or choose to remain anonymous. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Before we get started, I just want to remind you all that this is the best of episode that may include outdated language, like references to gender. I started using the term's penis owner and vulva owner in around 2020 in order to be more inclusive of all gender identities and expressions. We're always learning and growing hair at sex with Emily and can only continue to do so with your continued feedback.

So thank you. We got so many emails from you and questions all the time saying, how do I have this conversation? How do I ask for what I want? How do we try kinkier play? But I wanted to remind you, why it might be hard for you to do things outside your comfort zone. We get comfortable in life. We're not going to get hurt here.

No one's going to reject us. You know, we're going to be sort of following the status quo. And it's fine, right? Nothing's wrong with it. But for so many of us, life just feels the same all the time. Everything just becomes a little bit boring. Most of us, we crave variety in a relationship. Yeah, our sex might be an amazing at the beginning.

But if you're doing the same thing over and over again, or it becomes a routine, that's just when we start thinking, huh, maybe I want to try something new. And this is the chance to change it up. Now a lot of us don't change up things when it comes to sex or our relationship. We do not try anything new because we don't want to rock the boat, but we also are nervous of being rejected. Whenever said our partner is gonna think

that we're blaming them for something that they're actually bad lovers, so we just don't do it. And so a few tips I have, just remember this. First thing getting your way is probably fear. Fear is stopping us from doing so many things. Don't be afraid to try it, try a new skill. Everyone's a little nervous with something new.

I'll bet your partner's a little bit nervous too that you're even talking about sex, but that can bring you together and that's gonna be a really great hurdle to jump through. Just facing your fears and doing it anyway. Another thing is start small. You don't have to have the whole conversation at once. You don't even have to be perfect at giving oral

for the first time. You can take baby steps. This is the most important thing. I want you guys to persevere. Don't give up on something right away when it's awkward or uncomfortable. Very rarely are we good at something that we've never done before.

Beginners lock. I mean, it's true that can happen every once in a while, but it's not gonna happen in this area, okay? So you might fall down a lot, it might feel uncomfortable and awkward, but eventually you stand back up, you keep going, it's never as bad as you think, and I promise you, if you fell these tips

and try some first-of-your relationship, maybe you've been feeling bored or there hasn't been a lot of variety and things are the same, this and time do it, face the fear, have fun trying something new. I'm here for you. All right, this email is from Nicole, 26, and Arizona. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm 26 years old, and I've had a few relationships, but I'm with my

life partner. Since I've been with him, it's brought to light our out of tune I am with my body and what I want. When I was younger in sexual relationships, everything was new and exciting, and I thought I was doing it right. I mean, it felt good, but in my early 20s, I started to realize how important self-puls pleasure really is. My current boyfriend is the only one I've ever told I've not had an orgasm with a partner. Before I met him I bought a vibrator and I wanted to learn about myself. I tried touching myself and basically I would just get bored and impatient my mind would race about everything unrelated to orgasm. And then I realized when I tried to use the vibrator I didn't even know how to use it.

But now with my current guy, he's ignited a light in me. I've told him I've never had an orgasm with a partner. He seems cool with it. And he's really supportive and open. And he wants me to feel okay. He doesn't shame me, he doesn't rush me. And you've made me feel so normal to be a sexual passionate loving being.

But I don't know what I want still. Where do I start? How do I use a vibrator? How do I get on this journey so I can access the higher realms of pleasure and ecstasy that I know I deserve? He's going to realize how badly I do want it, but now I have no idea where to start.

Thanks for everything you do. Thank you so much for your email Nicole. So there's a few things that came out in your email here for me. First of all, know it's great that you've come to this point and you realize that this is something that you want to try and you want to figure out. You mentioned a lot in here like your mind races outside the bedroom, so it would make sense when you get in the bedroom that your mind is racing as well. So the best practice is to start to learn about mindfulness, meditation, breathing. You can take a breath-work class online.

And then, that's going to serve you when you get into the bedroom. Important to prioritize it a few times a week. You time. Where you can lock the door, set the mood, definitely get some lube, and block out all distractions. And this is just your time to start to figure out your body again. The goal though is exploration and not orgasm. You can experiment with touch your fingers, light touch tapping on your labia, your clitoris. And again, when I say curious, it's just you going into your body and starting to breathe when your mind starts racing

again. Because orgasm is energy and if you're in your head and you're worrying about is this it, am I doing it? Is this right? You're going to be actually blocking that flow of energy. So what you might want to do, you picture yourself breathing into your pelvic floor and picture your favorite color. Maybe it's purple.

And then when you are inhaling, picture a light purple light coming up from your pelvic floor all the way up to the top of your head, breathing in and then breathing out again. And I found when I have something to go back to in the moment, it gets me away from my thoughts. You might even be able to picture the arousal building in your body and moving through it. It's kind of what an orgasm is. So, experiment with different kinds of touch, use the vibrator if you want, and this is a practice. So it's okay if your mind races, and it doesn't work the next time.

You keep trying, I have a friend in college who spent 30 days masturbating, and it took her, it wasn't until the third week that she finally had an orgasm. She did everything on life. She was like, what does this feel like? What she used her fingers outside? She used a minceye and she got so curious and it finally happened. So I don't know how long it's gonna take you, but you have this notion that every woman just magically has one and there's something wrong with you.

There's not. We also have a lot of great posts on our site about masturbation tips, and I just want you to have fun with it and enjoy getting to know yourself. All right, this is Tyler, 27 in Boston. Dear Dr. Emily, my name is Tyler. I'm a new listener to your podcast. And I love how you break down and talk through each topic. What brings me here is I'm curious to know how real coughing season is.

I bring this up because I'm 27 years old, living in Boston. I got out of a two relationshiprelationship five months ago, and it was hard to be single again, but I went back to therapy, I listened to some dating advice books, I even started working out again, I lost 20 pounds, and I'm happier than I was a few months ago. And even with therapy being in better shape and new dating advice,

I'm not having any luck on the dating apps. I'm using Tinder and Bumble and Hinge, and I also noticed that women are looking for a lot of similar qualities. Someone who's funny, make them laugh. Someone who's career motivated. Notice what they want out of life. Someone who's in shape and is active.

And I'm all of those things. I even do comedy as a hobby. I have a really good job and I know what I want. I'm not trying to throw a pity party, but I've noticed a number of matches I've been getting have been decreasing significantly over the last few months. Do you think coughing season is a contributing factor? All right, Tyler, thanks for your question.

And you sound like a really solid guy. You're doing the work on yourself. You've been to therapy, you've lost weight, you know what you want, and you're thinking about all the right things. So I just want to give you credit right there because not every guy is like that. I appreciate a man who's actually done the work

on himself, right? So I wanna know first, what are you saying in your messages when you meet these women? Are you being direct? Are you just saying hi? I know a lot of women, if a guy just says hi, they're just gonna delete it. They wanna know that you read their profile that you're saying, hi, I know a lot of women, if a guy just says hi, they're just going to delete it. They want to know that you read their profile that you're supposed to say.

Use your comedy skills here, right? This is what you've been preparing for. And ask your questions, make sure that you read the profiles. And I like the idea of making a plan right away. I recommend making a FaceTime date, zoom, you know, something so you can sort of get to know the person, you can say, I have 15 minutes, let's chat for a few, and this just helps kind of weed other people out, and then you're automatically making an immediate plan, because it's really frustrating to go back and forth and you keep texting with someone for weeks,

so I would be direct and specific, make sure you read their profiles. Also, what about your profile? Do you have any close girlfriends or a sister or a cousin or anyone who could look at your profile and give you tips? Try to have photos without sunglasses on. So many guys at photos with sunglasses and it's like, we want to see your eyes. I want to look into your soul.

That's all we want. And we don't want all the group photos, right? Group photos, we don't want to play like wears walled-o. Like, who are you? We don't have time. We're swiping. We just want pictures of you. We don't love the fish, the guns, the dead fish.

That's a trend. We don't... Maybe some women want to see fish. Good lighting is important. Some women like God photos, some men don't. There's been some studies lately. Just do you. I'm asking Tyler that you be you in the Ross form

and get some advice from some women in your life. Show what makes you different and unique. Where do you stand out? Rather than saying, you know, I like tacos and going to and watching Netflix, like, who doesn't? But how do you showcase your personality? I know that Hens does that well because they ask you very specific questions, and that

stuff matters. So have your personality shine through your profile and be direct, be specific, and be patient. Okay, Tyler, thanks for your question and let me know how it goes. This is from Gunther32, dear Dr. Emily. I'm 32 ex-pregnant pregnant and I love to keep my husband pleased after I deliver, but that being said, I've never given him a blowjob. I know you've said many times how important

oral sex is, but I just don't like the thought of a penis in my mouth. Are there any tips or suggestions you have for me to get over my anxiety of performing oral sex? I recently found your podcast and I love listening to your advice. Thanks for all you do. All right, Gunther, well, congratulations on your new baby.

You're gonna be a new mom. So I don't think you have to like, when you come home in the hospital, go on and give your husband a blowjob. But I'm sure he's gonna appreciate it so much that you're thinking about it. And you could let him know if you haven't, that it's something that you've been thinking about, because sometimes just the anticipation of talking about it, letting them know that

you can't wait to do it, and you're ready to do it, can be just as hot. First, let's talk about you. The fear of having a penis in your mouth, I'm just wondering to look at where that came from, where there's some messages growing up that maybe it wasn't cool to have a penis in your mouth or do you know if some friends do it, some weird experiences with it? So that's something to examine right now. And also, here's the thing about oral sex is that I don't want you just to be doing it because you think, oh, my husband's going to like it.

But I want you to know that the cool thing about oral sex is, once you remove all of the shame and all the worries we have around it and you get into it, you realize that there's actually pleasure in giving and receiving. Trust me, I know, might not sound that way. Why do they call the blowjob? I don't know why they call the blowjob. That's just not good marketing for the blowjob either because then everyone giving a blowjob is like, I have a friggin job right now. So once we clear all that out and you're like, okay, I really wanna try something new. Just like all of my tips with sex, any sexual act, go slow.

Like, I don't even mean when you're actually have his penis in your mouth, but the whole experience of kissing his inner thighs, his outer thighs, using your hands, you know, moving them around his body and maybe not even going right for his penis. And then you can just start to use your tongue, start to kiss him, start to kiss up his shaft, the tip. You don't have to put your whole mouth around it yet.

And then you can start checking in. And I'm sure that you'll know, like, penis is talked to you, and you'll be able to tell how he's reacting, but also that, like, this penis is attached to a man that you love, the father of your child, and that's an important thing, too, to realize that, like, it's a part of someone that you love, and it's a loving act. And so you don't have to, like, take the whole penis in your mouth first time. You can just kiss it. You can look at it.

You can get to know it. You could say, hello, hello, penis. I've never seen you at this angle and just kiss it. Like you would kiss his mouth. I mean, a lot of oral sex is kind of making out with your partner's genitals. And then the next time, maybe you can put the tip in your mouth. And then the next time, you can start to explore with your tongue.

And you can start to put in your mouth and move around. And gosh, I wish I got to know blow jobs that way. I was sort of pressured into it by a boyfriend, and I didn't know what I was doing. So what I love is that, you know, you let your husband know that this is an experience that you want to share and you want to have together. And then once you get there and you have the penis and his penis, you'll start to develop your own relationship with it because that's what happens. And you want to avoid teeth. So you kind of put your lips over your teeth because that could be painful. And also an important thing here is enough saliva, which is why I love adding lube. You might love flavored lube, fun flavors that you can play with.

So it will also taste good. You could also put in your mouth and kind of do like a vacuum. I don't know if this is too advanced, but if it's in your mouth and you're sort of sucking in, think of like a vacuum that can also feel really good. You also can lick it and then you can blow on it so play with different temperatures and sensations. But I think that your husband who is now, you have a baby together, is going to be so happy that you're just trying. And we're so hard on ourselves, we think it'd be perfect at everything, but the fact that you're trying is amazing. Make sure that if I have to sum this up for you, it would be into it, be enthusiastic. Make sure you use enough lube that you go slow and use your hands.

Okay, this is from Christine 28 in Costa Rica. Dear Dr. Emily, I have a healthy sex life with my boyfriend. We both like trying new things. However, I've been wanting to try things like bondage and having him dominate me. The issue is, he's very timid with those things, even though I try to make him more comfortable with the idea, even if we're just talking about it. I took him to a sex shop a few weeks ago and it was frustrating because he looked like he was afraid to look. What advice can you give me to approach this topic and where can he go to learn more to be dominant in the bedroom?

Alright, Christine, thanks for your question. So here's the first thing. Is that remember that any time we ask our partner to do something, it's something new, right? It's a skill set. It's something that he's never done before. And so our partners were often seen very shy and hesitant, but just like everything, it takes practice. And it might also help them to know more about your fantasy.

So get clear on it. When you say you wanna be dominated, what do you mean? Do you just wanna be more in control? Do you wanna do more assertive? Do you wanna be spanked? Tied up? Do you just want to be more controlled? Do you want to do more assertive? Do you want to be spanked? Tied up? Do I'm talk dirty? What are you envisioning in your head? Because once you get clear, then you can bring it up in a neutral setting to him. You know, timing, tone, and turf outside the bedroom when you're hanging out and you just say,

Hey, I know I've told you I want you to dominate you, but I thought it would be helpful for me to explain it in more detail to you. Like let him know why you have this fantasy. What is this source of your rousell? Sometimes that's help, but you could say, oh, well, I've always saw this scene once in a movie or I was watching porn or I had this fantasy. And then you can let him know why it turns you on, so giving him more context. Here's the important thing. And this goes for any sex conversations that we're having.

You have to reinforce that you love having sex with him, that this isn't a criticism, and there's really nothing wrong, but it's something new that you want to try. And you might have to say that a few times. So, for example, if you want to be more assertive, you can say, like, I just want you to tell me what to do, I want you to boss me around, tell me to get on my knees, calm me, slut, and you can do whatever you want.

Think about the scenario that you actually want him to try. And then, again, you can acknowledge and let him know that you understand something new, take the pressure off, and have compassion for him because I love that he's willing to try anyway, because there's a lot of people who wouldn't even want to try to please their partner. Also important to pick a safe word and even though he might think that's kind of silly just for spanking or tying someone up, it's kind of hot to have a safe word and kind of fun. So something's going on and you're like banana, right? And like, oh god banana. And you laugh. It's just this is this is gonna be awkward. It's okay. No one is perfect at sex.

The only time we see sex that is so-called perfect is like imporn or the movies, but real sex can be funny and fun. And to me, that's even hotter. All right, Christine, good luck with it. And have fun. Please, sex is fun, remember? That's all I remember. This is from Bill, 29 in North Carolina.

Dear Dr. Emily, like most guys, my top fantasy is a threesome. My wife's has always been interested in experimenting with other women, but never has before. She says she doesn't want to have a threesome because she'd get jealous, which I get, but I try telling her I'm more than okay with her having her own experience with other women. I encourage it because I know she wants to try it, and I think after she tries it, she might want to try a threesome. How do I convince her it's okay to try it on a girl? Okay. So here's the thing. You're not going

to get your partner to have a threesome. We are going to talk your partner into having threesome. I get this question so often and it's like it just it doesn't work like that. In fact, it's going to backfire. Now, if you truly genuinely bill in your heart and soul, you would love your wife to fulfill her fantasy of being with another woman. That is great. I encourage that. So what I recommend is have a conversation and be curious. Be a really good listener.

Ask her questions about what part of being with the woman turns her on. What is she fantasizing about when it's happening? What are the scenarios that make it hot for her? Is she performing on a vulva? Is someone going down on her? And to inspire you, maybe you could watch some porn together or read a rhodica and see which scenarios turn her on. And then you can play those out by like talking dirty to her and saying like right now I'm picturing you with another woman in the room and this is what's happening. And another hot thing is to have these conversations as like a warm up before sex or during sex.

It's all really can be sexy. Rather than just talking so much of what we do about sex is we talk about it. But when you can sort of bring it into sex play through dirty talk and in the moment when you guys are in and around state, that can also help her sort of actualize it and feel it in her body and maybe realize that this is something she actually wants to try. And then once that happens,

and she's actually had her experiences with another woman, then we can talk about how to have a threesome. Here's the tips, because I know you all want to know, what do I do? Okay, let's say I get there and I want to try a threesome

and I want to find someone new. First, you have to make sure that you both have the same idea. What's going to happen in this three some? What are the boundaries? What are the rules? What's the gender of the partner you're looking for? Is this person allowed to sleep over? Are there any sex acts that are off limits?

So that's all important and that's why I always recommend that people do the dirty talk thing, okay, beforehand. And really play it out, play through the scenario. The other thing I recommend is, if you wanna find a third, there's a lot of websites, you can find them right now, there's like dating apps, hashtag open and field, we actually have a great article on our site about finding a third,

so you can find some more tips there. But I just promise all of you, if you're trying to get into a threesome to save your relationship, to make it a hotter, because you think it's going to make you guys get closer together and you're bored with your partner, this is the last thing you can do to spice up your relationship. That's just like having a baby to improve your relationship. Neither one of those things work.

So go slow, take the steps, and have fun with it. We're going to take a short break, but when I'm back, we will hear from Lindsay about her very first time. Let's talk to Lindsay, 19 in California. Hi, Lindsay. Hi, how are you? I'm good. Thanks for calling. What's going on? I'm 19 and I'm deciding I originally wanted to save myself for marriage. That was just a personal choice. But I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for close to a year now. And he's also a virgin.

And we decide we want to go ahead and make love to each other. But I'm really nervous being young and getting pregnant. So I've been on birth control for three months now. I also, with the aid of my mom, got like sperm aside and condoms and haven't heard my house. But I don't know if birth control alone is fine. I mean, I would like to have sex with out of condom where both, you know, virgins, like I said, like to have sex without a condom where both, you know, virgins, like I said, but I'm nervous about pregnancy. A little background story to this is also, he likes to watch like, Ten Tai, which is like Japanese anime porn.

And if porn's already not realistic enough, you know, humans, like real people, I know the cartoons, you know, a, like real people. I know the cartoons, you know, both of them. So yeah, so I've been getting into it. It actually does turn me on. Okay, well that's good. But yeah, I mean, great. I mean, so you're doing the work there,

but yeah, it's just not realistic, right? It's not how sex goes down. So we've been sexy and like really, really crazy sex being in it, really turning on. But my thing is, now I'm worried about the first time we do do it, but we're going to have all these expectations and that's also my worry. First off, what kind of experience have you guys fooled around before? Have you done Everything but yeah, okay, you've done it or a comment and

He seems to enjoy that Okay, and we touch each other and all that yeah, okay, and has he performed a role sex on you once Okay Okay, and have you had an orgasm before? Have you masturbated? Okay, okay, and have you had an orgasm before? Have you masturbated? So my mom actually got me my first vibrator probably like two months ago and I was kind of hesitant to. So I actually been masturbating since the end of which I started watching probably two weeks ago and finally using the vibrator. I'm masturbating a lot. Yeah.

using a vibrator, I'm masturbating a lot. Yeah, yeah. To where I even been using the shower head and that's amazing too. Yeah, I already know I can order them. Great. Great. You're doing great. So, so let me tell you about all this stuff, Lindsay, you're doing great. I mean, you're doing all the things and I love that your mom's like supportive of your

sexual health. I think that's great. Honestly, if you guys are virgins and you're on the pill for three months, you don't have to wear a condom. It's pretty safe. I mean, it is safe. The birth control pill, if you take it every day and you don't miss a day, is like 95% effective. So that's why you take it. Now, as far as expectations, I don't know. There's all these myths around like, you're going to bleed or you're not going to bleed. It's going to hurt. It's not going to hurt. And the truth know. There's all these myths around like you're gonna bleed or you're not gonna bleed It's gonna hurt. It's not gonna hurt and the truth is it's different for everybody And so I think the more that you guys could really just breathe and

Slow down and not put so much pressure on yourselves for it to be any certain way because I guarantee what you're seeing in the Hentai too is like it's fun to watch but it's not necessarily Giving you instruction manual how to have sex. I haven't seen it's fun to watch, but it's not necessarily giving you instruction manual how to have sex. I haven't seen it in a while. I'm trying to think of it. So it's just more like looking to each other's eyes and communicate. It's really about going slow and paying attention to each other and breathing together and

lots of turning each other on first and it sounds like you guys have been doing that for a year. But make sure you're already aroused and turned on and you're not just rushing through it. So, yeah, I mean, but I think that your concerns are completely valid and normal and I hear this a lot. And now with porn in the last 15 years, it's even harder because then people are assuming it should look like that and it doesn't really look like that either.

So just know that you're not supposed to be the experts right now. It's your first time. So I love that you're with someone that you love and that you care about and you've already masturbated. You know, you're checking all my boxes for healthy sex the first time. Yes, well, I love listening to you. So thank you. Thank you.

And that's where I got my knowledge from pretty much. Oh, to do with the spermist spermis would be a good idea if it, or it doesn't really matter? Spermicide can work. Sure. I mean, you could use that instead of like, you could use that as a lube as well. I mean, yeah, you could. The pill is really effective if you're taking it every day. You're not going to get pregnant.

And there's only like five days a month where you actually can get pregnant for women. That's when you're ovulating, but you're not even really ovulating when they're on the pill. It's like a fake ovulation. It's stopping your period altogether. So, but if it would make you feel more relaxed, feel free to use curbside or use a condom, but I don't think if you've been taking it every day. It's when women don't take it or they forget. And then they try to win a day and that's when it's less effective, but the birth control pill is really effective. But yeah, I think you're pretty safe and I love that you're being so careful, but I don't

think you've to, you know, only use condoms if you want to. Is it okay for him to like that, you know, the porn and stuff and me not feel so. Yeah. I have to compare myself. Yeah, this is what happens. You know what, Lindsey, let me tell you this. It's really common right now for people to watch porn. I hear it more from men than women who watch a lot more porn.

And it's also normal for women to feel intimidated by it and to wonder if they're not doing it like the women in porn and they They're partnered desire something else But I have to tell you that it the porn watching is is something that it's a release for us to orgasm and to watch porn And it doesn't mean that he wants you to be something different doesn't want to replace you But I understand the feelings and I think the more that I educate people around this, that like, it's not a substitution, it's not going to replace you. I don't believe he wants you to be a Japanese anime character, I want you to do things in that. You know what I mean? But it's really just confidence thing. And I think it's men are going to watch porn in relationships, out of relationships, in really healthy

relationships. When they're having amazing sex, they're still going to watch porn. And that doesn't change. And so I want to be accepting of it and why I've watched it because it actually does turn me on, I mean, obviously I see that, but I think of him when I'm watching it.

So that kind of put me into the perspective of being more accepting about it. That little fear is still there, but you know, here, here is your answer to me that. So. Yeah. I mean, that's a thing. I mean, I love that you're really self-aware. And I love the way you're talking about all this stuff because these are all concerns and

try to figure out what turns you on, okay? And then you'll understand that this is not a substitution, but find your own thing, okay? All right, thank you so much for calling, Lindsay. This is really helpful for everybody, so thank you for being honest and vulnerable and have a great night. Let's call us to Heather 35 in Colorado. Hi Heather, what's going on?

Hi, how are you? I'm good, how are you? So I recently got a divorce for a 15 year marriage and started dating a guy that's amazing, but there's just something there that's off, and I'm not sure exactly how to approach it. It's actually amazing, but there's just sometimes I can't have an orgasm with him, and I'm not sure if it's like a mental thing I have going on, like I'm not giving him my full heart or what's going on.

I mean, Heather, you were with someone for 15 years who knew your body, who knew how you orgasmed, you were used to the way you guys moved. And now it's a whole new dance partner. And so now you have to figure out your rhythm with someone new. Is he doing the same kind of things that you would do with your husband? Does he know what turned you on? He does. Yeah.

And it's like I get there, but then it's just automatically like shut down. Yeah. How long have you been dating this guy? For about a year. Okay. Okay. So is there a part of you that feels there's a place in it that you can't let go? Well, so my husband had an affair on me and I feel like maybe there's that like hidden, I don't want to get hurt again.

Yeah. So and I often wonder if like that's the wall that I put up. Yeah. Because we're great everywhere. We're great. Like and I'm not saying our sex life isn't great, because it honestly is amazing. But there's just, sometimes I feel like I'm in my head more than anything else.

OK, and this didn't happen before because you felt safe. So have you worked through this stuff? I mean, that's such a trauma to find out that your partner, Cheetah, and you have you done any repair work in therapy and figured out your relationship to trust issues so you can clear it?

I'm in therapy now. Great. Do you guys talk about this? We don't really talk. We haven't gotten as far as talking about me. It's actually my marriage counselor that I was going to that I'm going to. Oh, great.

Sometimes that's great because they already know you. No, I think that's cool. I don't know if you will do that all the time. They're like, well, you already know me. Can I just come see you? So I think that and maybe there's a little bit of and if you orgasm with them in other ways Yeah, I still I mean, I still orgasm with them, but like it's not I guess as much as I As much sex as we're having I'm not orgasming. Okay. Are you on any medication? Does anything changed? No Okay. Are you on any medication? Did anything change? No. Nothing.

Have you been sexual? Are you masturbating? Are you having orgasms on your own? Like, how comfortable are you in your body right now? I don't do any of that. That helped. I know. But we all have time for it. So you have time to masturbate. And I think that when we're feeling more in our bodies and more sexual, like sex, be get sex. And if you can kind of get your orgasm going again, you get your pilot light lit, that might help.

So that's one thing, and that could help. And we're going to give you a few things. I would like prescribe you a weekend masturbation, just get back on, start doing it again, if you never did, it's a great time. But also, it's been a year. So I would say a year, you're 35 years old, like do you know, have you guys defined the relationship yet? Have you talked about how you feel about each other

and what you'd like for the relationship? We talk about like maybe someday getting married, but it's always talking about like a Sunday. So do you think that there's some information that you need right now to feel more safe with him? Not a good point. Maybe, perhaps maybe more, I don't know, or never really thought about that. What would he need to do to make you feel safe with him? I guess, baby, I don't know. I don't want to get married yet because I'm just out of a marriage,

but I think the idea of knowing that, like, it's serious enough that he wants to marry me would be a good start of commitment. Yeah, if that's what you're looking for, but you don't want to get married again. But maybe it just words like DeVu said, I love you yet, have you? Oh, yeah, we actually live together. I just hope that in April. Okay. So that's one thing. It's always good to think about in a relationship like what's holding me back right now

by putting up a wall. And then I guess I'll give you a third thing because this is what's happened in my mind right now. Have you had to talk about your sex life and what you guys are into and what turns you on? No, we actually haven't as much. When you're not in the bedroom hanging out when you're just you know at your house or going for a walk you could say I I really haven't talked about our sex life. And I would just like to know what, you know, we'd be together a year. Like, what's your top three times we've had sex? What are the top three moments?

I'm gonna tell you mine. And then you could start there and say, these are the three things that I've the most memorable times, what about you? And then in those, there's a lot of information, there's a lot of great wisdom in learning what people remember and what they like. Because then you'll know, oh, so you like it that time,

you know, I spanked you or you like the time we made out for hours. So then that would be a great way to get started. You could say, I'm only asking because I think it's so important for us to be open. And then from there, there's something that's really cool because you know, a lot of what I talk about here every night, Heather is, you know, encouraging people to have these difficult conversations. But when they do have them, you feel even closer to your partner. You feel even more trusting because you feel like

you both are taking an interest in your sex life and in the pleasure of our partners and you just feel like then we can really explore anything. You never know what you're gonna find out, you know? Like, so maybe that, so those are all the things. I like it, I appreciate it, thank you. Cool, Heather, yeah, thanks for it. I appreciate it. Thank you. Cool, Heather. Yeah.

Thanks for calling. We got Kristen 47 in California. Hi, Dr. Mlyn team. My husband, Ivan married for two years. We dabbled in the lifestyle, which means swinging before we were together. I tried, but we did not feel a good balance and boundaries. For him, it's all the way or not at all. Now I feel like our sex life is becoming too vanilla and ho-hom.

How can I spice up things without resorting to having sex with other people, thanks for any advice. See, here's a perfect example. They tried it, didn't work, but they still want to keep it hot. My recommendation is to go do the yes, no, maybe list on our site. It gives you a bunch of sex scenarios to choose from. Are they yes for you? Are they hell yes, a hell no, or maybe? And then compare those lists. Are there things on the list that maybe you thought that you both might maybe both want to try? Maybe you want to learn to give erotic massages to each other.

Maybe you want to have anal sex. Maybe you want to do some spanking. It has everything on there. But let's try to think about for you, Kristen, if you both like swinging, but now you don't. Are there elements? What was it to swinging that you liked? Maybe you could do more role-playing. You could do the sexy stranger, because then it would still be like sex with a stranger, but

it's your husband. And that stuff works. You show up as your alter ego. You can be anyone you want, a stranger in a bar, but for that moment, when you're playing these like fun, role-playing sex games with somebody, you actually, because we're all, remember, we're all kids at heart, and we all used to play, and we used to play Make Believe, and I promise you, I can't think of a better time to bring it back than with your sex life. This stuff works, so I would recommend that.

And I would recommend continuing to explore your boundaries with him and continue to talk about these things, like, what are your hottest moments, sexual moments, write down three things that you both love about your sex life, swap the list. All you guys, you know I always say you can't go from zero to anal, well that's why I am saving the best for less. The guy I'm seeing wants to try anal. A friend told me to do it and try coconut oil for a loob. I'm terrified of a poop incident at the end. She said it happens. We've hooked up since September and we only see each other every now and then, but it's

not a real relationship, so I'm comfortable with him, but not to the point I want a poop on him, ha ha, any tips. All right, I got it. I got it. Everyone here is about the poop and the pain and they don't want to do it. So great first time question.

Let's talk about poop first. So you brought it up a few times. Sex is messy, things can happen. It is true. Now, you probably know when you're regulated, when you need to go to the bathroom when you don't. Listen, if your bowels are clear and you've gone to the bathroom, you didn't just have a really heavy meal,

you're gonna be okay. But if you wanna take extra precaution, you can just make sure that you're cleaning. Take a shower, you stick your fingers inside and make sure everything's clean. You could get an NMO, but I only recommend buying the NMOs in the stores, getting rid of the vinegar in it, pouring out the vinegar, and then filling it with warm water.

And then you could do one to yourself if you want. But honestly, it's likely not going to happen. I would be more concerned about the consent part of this and about you exploring. Maybe he could use a finger at first. He could make sure his nails are trimmed and he uses the finger and he just goes inside. And you can see if you like it. You know, before he just puts it inside. Now, something that else that's really helpful is to already be aroused, already be turned

on. Make sure that he's kissing, making out with you. Maybe he's already gone down on you. Maybe you've already had an orgasm because that just opens everything up. You'll be more relaxed. So the thing about anal is you want to breathe a lot deep breaths. You want to go really slow and you want to use a lot of lube and when you think you haven't used enough lube you just reapply again. And again I want to make sure

this is a good partner who is trusting and he's not just doing it for his pleasure but he's really invested in your pleasure as well. invested in your pleasure as well. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 talk sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you