Sex With Emily - Ask Emily: Orgasms, Orientation & Oral

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

On today’s show, I answer your sex and relationship questions. I cover what to do if you’re questioning your sexuality while married with kids, how to initiate your first threesome, when (if ever) you should tell your partner how many people you’ve slept with, and ways to get more comfortable while giving oral sex. I also talk about what to do if the porn you watch makes you feel guilty, how to approach exploring a fetish without shame, what to do if you disagree with your partner about having another child and what it means when you cry after sex. In this episode, you’ll learn: How honest, heartfelt conversations about intimacy can reignite connection and strengthen emotional bonds with your partner. Techniques to overcome sexual conditioning and experience pleasure in new ways through mindfulness and open communication. The importance of exploring sexual fantasies with clear boundaries and how they can evolve as part of a healthy sexual journey. Show Notes: Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure This episode is brought to you by: LELO (Use code “SEXWITHEMILY” for 25% off your order, exclusions may apply.) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

You know, there's a lot of reasons why people might like golden showers. Sometimes it could be a humiliation thing, you know, there's also a sensory aspect to it. It's warm, part of the person, it's intimacy, it's a little bit taboo. Some people had picked up things in their formative years that sort of shaped their really strong fantasies or fetishes. Some people just like the smell. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize

your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's episode, I answer your sex and relationship questions. I cover what to do if you're questioning your sexuality while married with kids, how to initiate your first threesome, when, if ever, you should tell your partner how many people you've slept with, and ways to get more comfortable physically while giving oral sex. I also talk about what to do if the porn you watch makes you feel guilty, how to approach exploring a fetish without shame, and what it means if you cry after sex.

Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps get the show out to more people and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now. Look at your phone, look at your app that you're listening to this on and review us. We so appreciate it. You can just do it right now. Look at your phone, look at your app that you're listening to this on and review us. We so appreciate it.

You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, Orax, and Facebook, all the places. It's all at Sex with Emily. My new articles, I asked my mom five things about her sex, sexuality, and aging, and here's what she said. And eight most common sexual struggles for couples and how to solve them are both up on SexWithEmily.com. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode.

Did you know that your gut health directly impacts your sexual wellness? It's true. So if you're wondering why you're not in the mood or have no energy for your sex life, it might be time to examine your gut microbiome. Your gut can control everything from libido, arousal levels, energy level, mood, and of course bloat. I don't know about you, but for me personally, when I'm bloated, my food's not digesting well,

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This is from Michael. Hey, Dr. Emily. First, thanks for taking my question. I've been so confused. I didn't even know if I should send this. My wife and I have been married for over 24 years. Recently, I was performing oral on her and in the middle of the act, she said,

I don't know why you like doing that. I don't like it. I was performing oral on her and in the middle of the act she said, I don't know why you like doing that. I don't like it. I was floored. It was like a gut punch after 24 years. My wife was a virgin when we got together and one of the first things we did was oral and I had experience with it. Over the years she's had multiple orgasms during the act

as well as other methods. I can't get it out of my head now. I love doing oral as if it's a part of me. The thought of doing it to someone who doesn't like the act does nothing for me. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of a loved one." Before she made the statement the previous night, I was really into the oral and I kissed her after I did it and that's what she said grossed her out. I apologized and said I wouldn't kiss her again after. But now I believe she's always thought it was gross despite the orgasms or the kiss. Will I never be able to give her oral again? I'm just uncomfortable

and it won't be the same. Please help. Thank you. Okay Michael, listen you've been with your wife for 24 years. It's a long time and so I think this isn't something that you have to figure out on your own. You could calmly talk to her outside the bedroom when you guys are in a good vibe. You could, you know I always talk about timing, turf, and tone. Have the conversation from a curious and open place. Then you could just say, you know, I heard what you said the other night about not liking oral, not wanting oral.

And I'd love to know more about that. Can you just let me know when that started? Or is there something I could do to make it better? Or just, you could just say, tell me more about that. And maybe you'll find out, well, she never really liked it, or maybe she's having pain now, so it hurts, and maybe she's ashamed that she has pain, which a lot of women feel like they shouldn't have pain,

or they just grin and bear it. I don't know, let's find out. We have no idea. But you are going right to this, oh my God, it's not gonna happen again, dooms me, my life is over. No, like anything. If your wife came down one day and said, you know, let's say every single Friday night you have

chicken and she came downstairs and said, I hate chicken. I'm never eating chicken again and we are done. And you're like, babe, but we have chicken every night for 20 years. When you say to her, why? What the chicken do? We just don't know how to handle it. It's okay to have conversations about sex with people you're having sex with. People you're naked and vulnerable and have children with and share lives with. If you're not going to talk to them about it, how are you ever going to know if it can improve or you can get your needs met? I'm just encouraging you all to start a new practice talking about sex in a

healthy way. Okay, this is from a female on Instagram. Is it normal to cry during or after sex especially during times of intense stress in life? Yes! It's so normal to cry. Crying after sex is known as post-coiled dysphoria. That includes tearfulness, sadness, and irritability after consensual sex even if it was perfectly satisfying. And there's many reasons why we cry during sex, and this is for all genders. Men cry, women cry after sex. It's intense to be with someone, we're naked, we're vulnerable. You know, we have an intense physical pleasure.

It can definitely overwhelm our bodies. So it would make sense that you might cry. There's also a biological response. Could be hormonal changes that happen during sex, which can lead to intense emotions. And crying is also really healthy. It could reduce tension and intensify physical arousal. And maybe if you have been in a dry spell for a while, this has happened to me, and you suddenly let go of all that pent-up energy that could also bring you to tears. Now listen, you might cry tears because you have pain with sex and if you have pain during sex that's a whole other

conversation and we talked about that a lot on the show. My advice for you is just to ride out the tears and it's okay to cry and I'm gonna assume you're with a partner who fully embraces it because I know when I've cried after sex my partners find it pretty awesome. They're not freaked out. And if they are, I'll explain. I'm like, oh no, it's good. I'm just feeling so much. Tears are healing. Have a good cry this week.

It's good for you. This is from Owen35 in the United Kingdom. Hi, Dr. Emily. I'm a married man and I have a daughter. I'm a family man, but I'm forever questioning my sexuality. I'm turned on by men and I only look at gay porn and I get really turned on.

Other porn doesn't do it for me. I can have sex with women, it's just not the same. I love my wife more than anything. I don't think I could be romantically involved with a man. It's never happened, so I'm unsure. I've always said I'm bisexual, leaning towards men, but I'm forever asking myself, am I gay and in denial? The messed up part is, I genuinely love my wife and I'm happy.

I'd never cheat or hurt her, I'm just beating myself up. Have I lied to myself for so long that I believe I'm not gay? Could I be sexually gay and romantically straight? And to finish, if I was gay, my fear isn't being gay. It would be the upset I would cause my wife and family, the pain for her. Please help. Here's the thing, Owen. Thank you for your heartfelt, vulnerable, really descriptive message. I feel like I know where you're at. There's a few things going on here. Perhaps you were raised in a really religious home growing up, or environment, and people who were

gay were not accepted. It wasn't okay. People around you maybe weren't out as gay and perhaps at a really young age, before you even could be aware of it, you got the message it wasn't okay to be gay. And so you repressed feelings that you had towards men, found a wonderful woman that you love deeply, and you got married. When we're gay, bisexual, pansexual, however you want to call it, when we have attractions to people other than our spouse or other than the gender that we thought we would be attracted to, it really can be troubling. It doesn't just go away. You're getting older, you're 35 now, and you can't get it out of your head. Have you ever heard the saying, whatever we resist persists?

I feel like this is a great example of that. Unfortunately, things don't just disappear after we think about them for too long. They actually get more and more intense because we're pushing them down, we're pushing them down, and they just get bigger and bigger and they expand. So I recommend you see a sex therapist because therapy would be a great way for you to process this all so you don't have to do it all on your own. Now let's say it wasn't that you grew up in an environment like that or it hasn't been part of your development as a human.

And maybe you are bisexual and you truly have sex with your wife and you still crave men. And I'm working towards a world where we can all express our desires to our partners, our fantasies, our fetishes, the things that we're into. And we have a better dialogue to process it and realize that it doesn't have to mean the end of our marriage. It doesn't have to mean, you know, infidelity or you don't love me anymore. I believe in the possibility of being attracted to many different kinds of people and maybe sometimes at once. And so there is a chance once you go to therapy and you

process this that perhaps your wife, you know, you get some tools together and you talk to your wife and maybe she'll be okay with strict boundaries and understanding it. And I know you're probably thinking your wife's gonna be like, hell no, she's gonna think I'm gay and kick me out of the house. And that's the other thing I wanna say.

So many of us go to this extreme place like my partner would never do it. And you're right, but it's likely because they don't have a lot of information. Maybe you haven't slowed down and been able to express to them why you have a certain fantasy or why you want to try something. Because it's also okay for Owen to say to his wife when he's ready, it's part of my eroticism that I developed at a young age, whatever you figure out here in your journey, Owen. And it's part of what

turns me on sexually. You still turn me on and it's something that I want to explore and I feel like I love you, you're my wife, I want to be with you forever, but I'm unsettled in a way and I don't feel like I'm truly living my sexual truth. And might take a few conversations, maybe she says, hell no, but then you're further along to dealing with an issue that's been troubling you for years. Okay Owen? Let me know how it goes.

I know this isn't easy. I just think the world is changing and we're understanding and seeing more examples of people in alternative relationships that they get to decide what works for them, not based on any government, law, or societal norms. This is from Paul. Hey Dr. Emily, I have a quick question for you. I have a lot of female friends and years ago I had slept with some of them before my girlfriend and I started dating.

I've been with my girlfriend for a year. And now my girlfriend thinks I should tell her who I had slept with in the past, how often. Is that something I should share? I think it's in the past and not any of her business. Any recommendations on if I should share this info with her or should I tell her it's not really important or relevant to us now?

Thanks for any help you might have. All right, Paul, here's my take. So your situation is a little bit different, but I do have very strong opinions on this. I think that it's something that we do when we're starting to date someone a few weeks in or a few months in, we're like, so how many people have you slept with? And we think that's okay to ask and

we also think it's okay to answer. But if you think about it, why have you asked that question ever? You probably ask because you're trying to get some more information. Am I as good as their past lovers? Am I bad? Do I measure up? Do they have more experience than I do or do they have less experience? So we're actually using it to create a judgment. And I don't think you can judge anybody about their sexual past in the sense of, what are you gonna know if they've slept

with 30 people or 10 people? It's definitely not gonna mean if they're a great lover or not. Cause I can tell you people who've slept with hundreds of people are not necessarily the best lovers. In fact, I found that people in longer term relationships that have been more serial monogamous tend to be able to adapt to new partners because they've already been with somebody where they

learned what their needs were and all those things. So I think if a partner asks you this question, you can say, you know what, all I'm focused on right now is the incredible sex that we're having. And I really don't wanna go back to the past. I love being here with you in the present and I can't wait to explore more. Now, my only concern here is that if she's friends

with these ex-girlfriends, it might come out. They might tell her, she might ask you point blank about one of these girls. And then it does feel a little bit like a lie because I could see her point being like, why don't you tell me? So what I do is I'm friends with a lot of my exes if you've been following along.

You know, I say that and I am. I had a birthday party recently. Three of them were here. I haven't dated them in years. Now I wasn't friends with them after the breakup. You always need a separation. You need a time where you don't talk and you move on with your lives. You see other people and if it was really a true enduring friendship that was meant to be, which it sounds like Paul, that's what you have, which I think is a beautiful thing. It shows that just because romantic relationships end, it doesn't mean the friendship has to die. Now this doesn't go for like toxic relationships or someone who is abusive. Best to lose

their numbers forever. But I think the friendships you can have with exes when we get older, we mature, we learn these skills, can be really beautiful. So you could let her know, I wasn't sure how you'd react to this. Some people get jealous, but I want you to know that these are just my friends and I'm excited that you like them too. Now, what I do is when my current lovers meet my past lovers, I'm like, oh yeah, that's Bob.

He's my ex from, you know, a few years ago. We're great friends. Now, if I'm bringing my partner into the truth and meeting my exes, like, you guys I date are not jealous. they understand. They're like oh that's cool yeah you know. They end up sitting in the corner and talking. So it's another thing that I would really like to people to think differently about your exes. Now this doesn't go for exes you still want to sleep with. It doesn't

go for exes that you're still in a toxic cycle with. But I do think it's possible to stay friends. But I do think that you could probably say this to her in a way that she would understand you and know why you're ready to speak your truth. You get to decide, okay? After the break, Tom asks what to do about his neck getting sore after performing Oral on Volvo Owners. All right, it is finally here you guys. I'm so excited to announce my very own SmartSX community. We just launched the membership and I'm really excited to tell you about it

and hopefully you will join us. So I've been doing the podcast for 20 years and here's what happened. I got really sick of this one sided conversation. Yes, you go back and listen to thousands of episodes and get my advice and read the blogs and check out the videos but the way that we actually make changes with sex and relationships is when it's a dialogue it's a conversation so I can work with

you it is time to do the work. Now this membership has it all. There are AMAs, you can ask me anything, there'll be live coaching, guest coaching, workshops, webinars, along with weekly exclusive Q&A sessions with me, exclusive content with some of the best minds in sexual health and wellness, and so many other things. But I gotta tell you something. I don't know exactly where this membership is going. And that's because I'm building it right alongside you. I'm catering this membership to the members, to you.

I want to know what you want and I'm going to fulfill your needs. Because you know, I go on all these retreats, I teach retreats and workshops and we have all these big breakthroughs and we're all connected and then people go back to their towns and they're like, I have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do.

And so with SmartSX, you will have the opportunity to connect with like-minded community of people who are also passionate about improving their intimate lives. You're gonna build connections, share stories, find advice, all in a really safe space. So if you're interested in this membership, it has it all.

We are starting a pleasure revolution and I would love you to join. So go to my website, sexwithemily.com and click on the membership tab, that's sexwithemily.com. Click the membership tab and I will see you there. Listen up everyone, these seven inches will change your sex life forever. No, I'm not talking about a penis or a toy.

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and washable linen covers. So no need to worry about sex getting messy. You just toss the cover on the wash after a session and you're good to go. It's available in three different colors. You're just 20 degrees away now for bedroom bliss. Visit heytaboo.com slash Emily for 10% off your prim today. That's h-e-y-t-a-b-u.com slash Emily and the discount is automatically applied at checkout. Enjoy! All right, this is from Tom23 in Fort Lauderdale.

Hey Dr. Emily, I love your show. When I prefer oral sex on a girl for a while, my neck usually gets tired. What kind of muscle is that? Is there something I can do to work it out and make it stronger so it won't get as tired during oral? Alright, so a lot of us get uncomfortable during sex. We get weird neck cramps or arm cramps. You're probably tensing up your shoulders. You're holding tension in your neck in a

position where you're so into the moment, I hope, of ravishing your girl that you don't realize that you're not actually breathing. You're not in a comfortable position. So I would get some pillows. I would get some cushions and try to find a different position and make sure that your head is supported so you can actually give her oral sex and feel good about it. You could also have her sit on your face and you have a pillow under your neck and you're just sitting there doing the work. You could even when you're home right now just say if you're not with your girl you could think about it like put yourself into that position that hurts and then think

what do I need in this moment to feel more comfortable? And you could try other positions. She could be standing up, you could be on your knees. She could be lying on the bed and you're like leaning over her. Just try to think about ways that you can be comfortable and still have easy access. Okay, thanks Tom.

This is from E from Instagram 20, she's a female. I love you and your podcast, Emily. I'm gonna admit to a problem I believe I've had for a long time. I'm an attractive 20-year-old female and I watch extreme pornography. Lesbian prolapse, gay men fisting, lesbian piss drinking, and it disgusts me.

Every time I watch and finish, I hate myself. I think this is not normal. I can't have an orgasm ever without watching porn. I hate that I can't ever be satisfied completely with sex. I enjoy sex, but because I've been desensitized, I can't come. I've tried to stop, but I keep watching it because I can't orgasm without either watching something far out or thinking about it. I'm asking if you have advice how to stop and I can reach the big O with a guy.

Alright, this is a common thing that's happening now. A lot of us are escalating the kind of porn we're watching. It gets to an extreme place. And then we realize I can't orgasm without it. So what do we do? Let's talk about the fact that you're 20 years old and you're already writing in for some help on this, which is great.

And you are not doomed, and this doesn't mean this is the only way you're going to be able to get off. But sometimes we need a little discipline and we have to challenge ourselves to break habits that aren't working for us. So what you can think about here first is when you're masturbating what's going on right before? Are you stressed? Are you happy? Do you just have an extra minute or using it to relieve tension or stress? Because'm not going to pathologize the fact that you masturbate or watch porn. It's important for you to think like what are you trying to avoid though because sometimes watching porn isn't about porn.

It's about taking your attention away from something or maybe distracting yourself or you're numbing or self-medicating and you could even do a practice of I'm watching porn instead of feeling blank and fill that in and get present to what's happening in the moment when you reach for this extreme porn. And then like any other habit we're trying to change, you just substitute it with another behavior that is a similar effect. Is there something else that kind of can get you

that same feeling like working out, cardio? You know, what helps you feel alive and elated besides orgasm? You can also join a community, there's communities of people who want to quit watching porn and you can find them at like subreddits online for people who have kind of can talk about all the things that they've done and then I'm not saying you don't have to masturbate but what you're saying is you tried and you were watching porn and then it got got worse. You tried not to, but you couldn't have an orgasm. So I want you to also think about, besides porn, what really turned you on?

I mean, I always practice doing some mindful masturbation, where you're really sitting with yourself. You can go through the mental library of images and partners. You can notice things in your environment that turned you on and even notice in your body. That's masturbation without the goal of orgasm although it might happen and the goal is exploration. Exploring your body, looking for what turned you on, discovering other erogenous zones. That's what it's all about, okay? Life is not over. Just take a few of these steps and see what you could do to get a handle on it and learn more about yourself. And then I promise you'll be able to move on and have awesome sex.

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and you gotta use my code, SEX WITH EMILY for 25% off now. Enjoy. This is from David, 35 in Nebraska. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm 35, I've been married for four years. A little over a year ago, my wife told me that she was beginning to feel distant. I'd been traveling for work and she was lonely.

Then she started to get used to the loneliness and felt that maybe she wanted to be alone. We tried couples therapy and that was somewhat helpful. Helpful for me because it was the push I needed to ask for a recommendation from my own therapist. Everything seems to be going well, but then three months ago my wife asked for a separation out of nowhere. She said she felt that maybe we had too many differences and that she just didn't feel connected. It was painfully apparent during sex, where I also sometimes continue to struggle with

anxiety. I've since moved into my own place, but we're currently in limbo. She says she loves me, but doesn't know what she wants. We're not yet seeking a divorce but I realize how few couples come back from a separation. I don't know what to do while I wait for her to figure herself out what else can I be doing." Alright, well I love that you are in therapy and I think the most important thing that you can do right now is work on yourself. If you found a therapist you like, go every week like it's your job because it is. Take time to process before. What do I want to get out of today's session? When you leave,

write down notes about what you gathered from the session and you could think about during the week. We invest a lot in therapy and sure we could just show up for 50 minutes or we could really use it like it's a class or something or it's a course we're taking and you're earning a certificate and you are the subject matter. But I think sometimes we just kind of like, oh therapy I gotta go in go out, I'm glad I got it over with. But if you're looking at your therapy like that you need to find a new therapist or you need to clear space in your calendar so you can really look at it like another project. Because you're not gonna say you could go buy her flowers and go sweep her off her feet again and do all these things.

She's got to figure her stuff out. And I think you have to figure out. You said you were surprised that the separation was out of nowhere. But I think it's not out of nowhere, especially if she had said things to you a few months earlier or a year earlier. Those are all signs. So I know that if you go to therapy you're gonna start to learn more about yourself and the way you process information and maybe there was something in the relationship that wasn't working for you but you didn't really allow yourself time to to really sink into it. And continue to talk to your wife and if she's someone who's

about therapy she might appreciate to hear the kind of work you're doing and the growth factors. I don't think that people should just get back together if nothing's changed. There's a reason why she left. I'm not saying it's all your fault. It's definitely it's two of you in the relationship. It's a 50-50 split. There is still some communication you can learn together. So I don't know if you guys are still going to therapy together. That could be great once a month to still go together while you do your own practice. So you're doing all the right things. Be prepared to just learn a lot more about yourself and start doing the work. That's why we're all here. Gotta do the work.

This is from Nate, 35 in the UK. Hey Dr. Emily, I recently developed a pee fetish or golden shower as they call it and it seems to be getting stronger. The thought of watching a woman pee or being peed on by a woman does strongly stimulate me. I've never experienced this before and it's something I'd like to try. Is a pee fetish or golden shower a common type of fetish and is it normal? Why would people want to experience this? What are the causes of desiring a fetish such as this? How would I approach the subject with my girlfriend? I'm worried they might not be into it and it's something I want to try. Many thanks for your time and look forward to your response. It's a very

common fantasy and you know essentially someone's peeing on someone else. They're watching it, they're drinking it. It is common. You know there's a lot of reasons why people might like golden showers, why they's become part of their eroticism. Sometimes it could be a humiliation thing, you know, pee associated with being dirty and private, and so maybe that's part of the turn-on. There's also a sensory aspect to it. It's warm, you know, it's part of the person, it's intimacy, it's still a little bit taboo. Some people just like the smell, some people had things picked up things in their formative years that sort of shaped their really strong fantasies or fetishes and so really only you could answer it if you did some deep diving when was the first time you had this fantasy? Did you see it somewhere? Did you

hear about it? Was something happening in the moment? Do you have an early memory about pee? About someone peeing and you were watching or they peed on you. It could have been like a sibling or a cousin. But something happens in that moment where maybe you were linked up eroticism with that situation when you were watching it or experiencing it. So this is really for you to do some investigative work on your own psyche. However, there is nothing to worry about. Going back to your partner though, I do think that since sex isn't so comfortable for everybody to talk about, most people aren't aware of their fantasies or what

turns them on, to start with, I've got a golden showers fetish could freak people out. So not my circle of friends, but make sure that you're with a partner that you trust and that you've already started to have a dialogue around your turn-ons, your fantasies. What are the most memorable times she had sex with you? What are the most memorable times you've had sex with her? You guys could check out our Yes No Maybe list. Yes, I will mention that on every single show because so many of you are loving it. It's on our website.

If you go to sexwithemily.com, you just download the Yes No Maybe list and it gives you a bunch of ideas about things to explore in the bedroom. You could just start there and see where your yes is, where your no is, maybe, and you'll probably learn a lot about each other. And then once you progress in your conversation, you can say, well one of my fantasies is golden showers and here's why and here's how it would look. I mean maybe it's in the shower and you wanted to pee on you in the shower like that's not so bad right that's dipping our toes in the urine. So I think there's ways around this please don't beat yourself up and just explore it more. Become an expert in your own fantasy

life. This is from Sean Forty in New Jersey. Dr. Emily, over the last few years my wife's been dealing with weight issues. Lately, her body consciousness has become a big issue that's been impacting our physical relationship. She's uncomfortable with much physical contact below her breasts. I still find my wife very attractive and I tell her this frequently. I try to use small, affectionate touches, but she squirms away or is just extremely uncomfortable, but doesn't say anything and it builds up mentally other than verbally how else can I help my wife

deal with her body consciousness and re-engage in our sexual relationship? Okay Sean, it's really here's the thing about confidence is that it's really is an inside job and it's something that we all have to learn to figure out what we don't feel great about ourselves we we go to therapy, we work on our body acceptance and an idea for you would be to investigate in the past when you have had an impact and had the ability to help your wife move through challenges or problems, what worked? Is she someone who really liked words? I mean think about the love languages. Is she someone who really liked words of

encouragement? Doesn't sound like it now because you said you keep telling her. by the way, that's a hard one. People could tell us all day long that we're smart and pretty and beautiful and successful, but you ever notice it's really hard to feel it in ourselves. Or maybe she really wants more time with you. You know, maybe if you guys were spending time together and you're going on a walk or you're hanging out and you could just say I really see that this has been a struggle for you and it's so hard for me to see you in so much pain around your body. Is there anything I can do to help you and to allow you to feel better in this area? What could I do to support you? Because I you know how I love you and you know I

think you're beautiful. And then just listen. I hate seeing you in pain like that. Have you come up with an idea as how you could feel better? You know? And I know you don't be like be like, well, here's a gym membership or here's a, you know, whatever, a diet plan. I mean, that's really tough. But I think if she's having a hard time maybe getting started on self-care, maybe you guys could do something together. I love when couples take up exercise together or they join a hiking club or they do something.

Because that's also a great way to enhance intimacy is to learn something new together. So maybe there's some things you could do this summer where you're moving your bodies and you're connecting, but I'm also sorry that it's impacting your sex life, but I think it's gonna be hard to go in and say you better get this together because I really want to be having sex with you again. Now maybe there's other things she can do. You guys could do some mutual masturbation. Maybe there could just be oral one night or she doesn't want to be touched. But you know, maybe there could just be some other kind of touch.

Maybe there could be some other kind of touch that's just as satisfying for you while she's, you know, kind of working on herself. But I think to be a gentle, loving, consistent husband and where you're listening and finding out what she actually needs will go a long way towards everyone getting their needs met. Okay, this is from Brock, 36 in Texas. Hey Dr. Emily, my wife and I have been married for eight years and we have a great sex life. We recently have begun role playing, talking about another man that's more well endowed and we both really love it. We've also talked about introducing a threesome or a situation where I watch her have sex,

but after the passion wears off from our sex sessions, she backs off on those thoughts and doesn't want to do it. I respect her decision either way, but I think she'd really enjoy it. What advice do you have for speaking with her about this further and how could it impact our relationship if it happens? Alright Brock, first off, you're doing exactly what I always recommend to couples who are thinking they might want to have a threesome and that is role-played in the bedroom. Right now I'm picturing that there's like three other women here or two women and a man and they're this is happening, they're going down on you, well I'm having sex, well I'm penetrating you.

You create scenarios and then you think about it, how did that turn me on? Did that make me uncomfortable? So that's a great first step. So you're saying that in the moment she's really into it and then outside the bedroom she's like nope. Now there might be a disconnect here. Maybe she doesn't really know what that would look like. Maybe she still has more questions about it. Maybe she has some more concerns and and I think that with sex sometimes we just say no to things because we don't really have enough information. But since we don't feel comfortable asking for clarification we just say no because it's foreign to us. So I mean what I

would recommend to you is is talking to her and saying I'm curious more could you tell me more about your response it seems like it really gets you turned on and then you don't want to do it. What do you think that is? I'm really curious there is no pressure here, but what is it that is uncomfortable for you? And maybe she'll say, well, I don't want you to get jealous because you're a jealous person, Brock, or actually I realized that I'd rather be with a woman

than a man, or she might just say, I don't know how we'd find someone, that seems hard. Well, if she's got specific examples, well, I could tell you there's a lot of great dating apps you could go to like Field and Fet Life, Field as F-E-E-L-D and Hashtag Open. There are apps that actually matching people in threesomes. Married couples finding a third. It's happening all over the place Brock. So that's one thing. And couples also should set boundaries. Some couples set boundaries that you're not allowed to see the same person twice.

That there shouldn't be any texting exchanges. It should only be when you're out of the state or out of the country. There's no kissing. There's no penetration. So there's a lot that goes into discussing it, but I would just kind of see if you can get her to talk about it outside the bedroom and let me know how it goes, Brock. Okay? Just seems like you need some more conversations and a little bit more understanding. This is from Jeremy 30 in Kansas. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm new to your show

and I was just browsing Spotify and I found you. Been loving your show ever since. I have a question about marriage and babies. Straight to the point. How do I go about talking to my wife about not wanting another kid when she wants one? We've already had one together. I have my reasons as to why I don't,

but am I being selfish? I don't feel like there's a way to compromise when it comes to making a big decision like this. Her sex drive went downhill after having the first and now sex doesn't happen very often. Anything I can do to help spice it back up, we've been together for six years, married for five, please help.

All right, Jeremy, yes, I agree with you that it's not a decision that should be made lightly. Perhaps one of the reasons why you don't want to have another kid is because you feel like you lost your wife when you had a child. You felt somewhat demoted. You were not her top priority. And this is common, right? This happens after a baby and, you know, the hormones change and for many, many women their sex drives change. And so I think if you have an honest conversation with your wife and you say I've been having some concerns lately about it I just really miss our connection and I miss

our sex life and I miss having you and it's it's hard for me to feel that we are so separate now we haven't been able to repair go get to a place where I feel connected." I mean those are your real emotions. No one can argue with those. And maybe after heartfelt conversations you'll start to understand both sides and maybe you'll feel like you want to have another baby. Or maybe it'll bring up other things in your relationship that you need to talk about. Because we all have things that we need to talk about in relationships and we often don't do them. So healthy conversations from honesty and from the heart. Okay, Jeremy, thanks for your question. Tim 35 in Cleveland. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a 35 year old male that's sexually active.

I've had trouble having orgasms during sex when I'm the partner that's doing the movement. I have a much easier time getting to the top of the mountain when my partner is moving on me. What things can I do to fix this so it's possible for me to orgasm in any position while I'm the one doing the work? Okay, this is interesting, Tim. So what you're saying is if you're just lying on the bottom, let's say you're in missionary, and your partner's on top of you moving back and forth and doing all the work and you're just lying there, you can orgasm no problem. But when you're in charge and moving, you can't. And so what comes to my mind is, is there something going on in your head? Are you worried that you're not going to please a partner? Does it feel like you have too much control at that moment and do you get into

your head? Because a lot of times we can't orgasm. A lot of it is psychological. So there's nothing wrong with you or it's pattern or conditioning. Maybe you always came by doing nothing. And so it's really just a practice of calling it out. If you're with a partner, you could say, talk about it. Just say, hey I realized I'm gonna start practicing like moving around more. I just feel like I really love watching you the way you move on top of me, but I'd also like to be able to come when I'm moving around as well. I just think this is the way that you have been conditioned and talking to a part about maybe you need some more foreplay ahead of time. Maybe she'll give you a blowjob or handjob

and get you more engaged in a different way sexually. So I think that this is not an absolute. Your life is not going to end with you not being able to move during intercourse, but I think it's a matter of rewiring and practicing some mindfulness exercises. So when you are in your head, you can just go back to your breath and the moment and what's happening, grounding yourself in your senses. What am I seeing? What am I smelling? What am I tasting? And that might really help you be centered and focus on the moment if your head's going to, this isn't gonna work. I'm not gonna come. You have to realize that. So much of this is

conditioning. It didn't happen to us a few times and now we think we can only orgasm a certain way, but none of that is true. We just have to retrain our bodies, our minds. It's all possible. Promise. Okay, thanks for email, Tim. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok,

Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline

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