Sex With Emily - Astro-Masturbation with Dr. Jen Freed

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by psychological astrologer Dr. Jen Freed to talk about your astro sex forecast – masturbation edition! Because we all have a lot of time on your hands right now, literally. Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions.They discuss the masturbation techniques to add to your repertoire based on your sign – either way, it’s new ways to explore yourself. Then, Dr. Emily gives advice on the right kinds of lube for “easier access,” where to find porn that has an actual storyline, and whether or not to end a relationship when you’re feeling uneasy.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more on Dr. Jen Freed, visit https://www.jenniferfreed.com/For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We are in a time in astrological symbology that we have never seen for hundreds and hundreds of lifetimes. And astrologers understood that there would be this massive world restructuring. We had no idea it would come through a virus. And the whole point of it is to transform us from a singular focus on what's in it for me, to what's in it for we. Like how do we reimagine this world right now where everyone gets healthcare, everyone gets clean food and air, et cetera. And in a bizarre way, mother nature has cleansed herself

of so much pollution, of so much noise. The roads are much quieter. I've never heard birds sing so loudly. And so this climate change that felt urgent, nobody was making the big changes for it, but now for this virus out of fear of death, imminent death, people are doing all these remarkable chores of physical distancing and protection.

It's actually quite radical when you think about, we've achieved something we wouldn't have done voluntarily. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm joined by Psychological Estrologer, Dr. Jen Fried. Talk about your Astro Sex Forecast masturbation edition. Because hey, I know you have a lot of time on your hands right now, literally.

Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions, topics include the masturbation techniques to add to your repertoire based on your sign, the right kinds of lube to get for easier access, porn that has an actual storyline and where to find it and whether or not to end a relationship when you're feeling uneasy. All this and more, thanks for listening! [♪ music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, They call them in a bike on day. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I'm gonna feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. MUSIC You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com, check out us on all social media.

It is Sex with Emily. A lot of you are loving our Instagram lives and our Facebook lives that we're doing answering your questions. It's all sex with Emily. Everywhere you go. All right. And, however, when it's staying safe and we're bringing you content right now, as much as we can to help us all do during these really strange times.

All right, intentions with Emily. So I start off each row by setting intention and you can do the same. So what I mean is like, what do you want to get out of listening to the episode? Sometimes I write it down and it's very helpful and you realize that those things actually happen when you set the intention. So maybe it's like, I need some self-loving tips because I'm going to be alone a lot over the next few weeks or just like, I want to explore my body more. I'm not sure where to start. My intention is to give you some ideas for self-pleasure and getting you to think about ways to explore yourself and your partner sexually and, hey, what your sign has in store for

you. I love Dr. Jennifer Fried and hope you guys enjoy the show. I'm so excited to welcome my guest Dr. Jennifer Fried, internationally certified astrologer, psychotherapist. She's been teaching and practicing psychological astrology for 30 years. I love Jen Fried. If you love this show, which I'm sure you do and you will, she's done a bunch of other interviews with us. She's insightful, compassionate, a very dear friend. And we've been doing these monthly sex astro-forkas, which have been a blast. And we were talking, you know, during this quarantine,

thinking, what do people really need right now? And what I love is Jen like left me a message other day. It's like our brains were connected, which we kind of felt since the first day we met. That masturbation. Like, you're like, I've got ideas for people right now because people are social distancing and they are masturbating more. And I've been hearing it too, Jen. I've been getting all these emails and texts from people like, kind of worried about it. Maybe it's too much or maybe it's not enough, but when we're alone and we're locked up,

what do we want to do? We want to touch ourselves. And so we talked about self-preserving the time of social distancing, which we can get into in a minute. But like, how have you been doing, Jen? Just tell me, like, what have you been hearing from people, the universe, everything? Well, you know, I have a wide reach because, as you know, I work with hundreds of teens and families and my staff at the nonprofit

and then I talk to people all around the world as a psychological astrologer. So people are in various degrees of chill, isolation, excitement, newfound, interversion, like your guy Brian loves working from home, your engineer. Some people are digging this and other people have lost their jobs,

you know, it's all over the place. I am very lucky because I live with my partner and two cats in this gorgeous, gorgeous house and I can work from home. So I feel very fortunate. But why I wanted to talk to you about masturbating is I thought, my God, if only we could talk to teens right now that are stuck at home. That's a little too far, but I thought maybe somebody, a parent, will

listen to this show and talk to them about it, that it's one of the best ways to unstress your life is to touch yourself. And we've put so much shame on it. We've got to lift that off. And I know that's what you do, Emily. Yeah, no, absolutely. That's, it was the same thing. I was like, well, here's, is there a way that we could just do a masturbation courses on live right now for kids, but then that could get tricky with parents. So I've been feeling the same thing as you. Like, how do we do it?

But, but it is itself soothing. Organisms are good. Let's get rid of all the shame and, and Jenna also want to say you guys can find her at Jennifer Jennifer free.com. and they can join your wisdom club. But when I've also really enjoyed as your Instagram and you had a post which I just want to say I just said it to myself. I think it was a March 10th and it was all about what is happening right now in the universe. So I don't know. I want to get into masturbation, but I also want people to kind of just check out your

Instagram and find you on Instagram. But it was like, I think it was March 10th. Was it, no, that was Women's Day. I don't know, Jen, you said something about the universe and the planets and what is all that. Well, I can repeat simply for your listeners. We are in a time in astrological symbology that we have never seen for hundreds and hundreds of lifetimes, and astrologers understood that there would be

this massive world restructuring. We had no idea it would come through a virus, and the whole point of it is to transform us from a singular focus on what's in it for me, to what's in it for we. Like how do we reimagine this world right now where everyone gets healthcare, everyone gets clean food and air, etc. And in a bizarre way, Mother Nature has cleansed herself of so much pollution, of so much noise. The roads are much quieter.

I've never heard birds sing so loudly. And so this climate change that felt urgent, nobody was making the big changes for it. But now for this virus out of fear of death, imminent death, people are doing all these remarkable chores of physical distancing and protection. It's actually quite radical when When you think about we've achieved something we wouldn't have done voluntarily. Exactly. Yeah, Jen, I think it was so well said. And I think that what we didn't like you're saying we're all on different ends of the spectrum. We're hised, there's lows, there's trauma, there's excitement. And maybe we in a daytime, we go, we cycle through all of them. But to look at the bigger picture of what it's doing for everybody

on the planet, I think is pretty remarkable. So. As long as we keep remembering that the most vulnerable people have always needed our care and now they need our care more than ever. And if we were thoughtful, there's more than enough to go around. So it's a very important astrological time to do a soul check and realize what our commitments are

for a new global order. Ah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're doing, I mean, that's, that's it, the soul check. And I think that what you're doing is so helpful for so many people. So everyone should follow you. And I think that this is the time where we're all just sort of, it's day by day, like so much uncertainty.

And how do we comfort ourself? How do we comfort others? And sex? Sex for so many love. Even sex. Even sex. They say safe sex. Right now the safest sex partner is you. So if it's you, you know, what do we do? So do we go through? You said you had somebody. I want to go through the sign. Yes, I thought first of all, let's declare a new meaning to happy hour because one of the things people do most is rush through masturbation and ordinary life like we've got to just do it get it done with etc. But now many many people have a lot more time for self pleasure and I'd even say self love like a lot of us learn to masturbate to get off. Some people get into self- pleasure, like really getting into their organ of sensuality all through their body. And

then some people even create masturbation as a ritual of self-love and self-affirmation. Well, we've got time to explore all these levels right now. And that's why I want to go through the signs and tell you what I've been thinking about for each sign and their master-based Asian potential. I love it. So let's just talk about Aries as the first sign of the zodiac. If you have an Aries Sun, Aries Moon, Aries Rising, masturbating for you is often gonna be

a very physical, quick, intense athletic experience. But what we're gonna do today is look to the opposite sign going to be a very physical, quick, intense athletic experience. But what we're going to do today is look to the opposite side to see how to give yourself a new masturbation tablo and that's Libra. So when you look at aries and think, slow down, bud, this time, set up your room or wherever you're masturbating as a beauty chamber, a love letter to yourself. So before you start touching yourself, create a gorgeous environment as if you were courting yourself as a lover. And that's what I'd

recommend for areas as a new master of Victoria territory. Okay? Then you go to Taurus, and Taurus is generally focused very much on sensuality and the slow and the luxurious, just touching, and making love to themselves. But the opposite of that is Scorpio. So toruses during this time could focus on the intense emotional release with masturbation. They could actually think of which emotions are most difficult during this quarantine and work with themselves to come to release that energy. That would be amazing. Gemini is often fond of sex talk and talking to themselves and lots of

ideas about sex, but the opposite of that is Sagittarius and never before have I encourage people to do astral travel while masturbating., meaning you Emily could be in South Africa today when you touch yourself. Easily, easily, we can put ourselves in a space right now of traveling to other places and imagining making love to somebody or something over in that domain. That's what I'd recommend for Gemini. I'm excited.

I got excited. I got excited for time travel for financial travel. You got it. Travel. And then cancer is a sign that's very focused on nurturing and being more like soft and sensitive. The opposite of that is Capricorn. So for cancer moon, rising or sunshine, work with that idea that you could structure your masturbation. You could say every day from 3 to 3 30, I'm going to have two orgasms or I'm going to work

on my lower body and my excitement and my lower body and then move to my arms. Go towards structure instead of feeling. And then for Leo, who's often very self-obsessed and very interested in their own experience, go to Aquarius and imagine somebody is watching you while you masturbate, get into fantasies of the witness, like somebody's out there watching you, and your masturbating is giving them pleasure as well. How are we doing so far? Well, so I'm like, I'm enthralled. I'm taking notes.

Okay. So we're back. We're at Virgo. So Virgo and my friend Jenna goes, what the hell are you gonna say about Virgo? Get more detailed and get more recipes for masturbating. That's it. No, Jenna.

Go toward Pisces. So Virgo needs to experiment with touching themselves with water. Drinking water in the bath in the shower, get over all of the rules of masturbating or the ways you've done it in the past and think of yourself as somebody that can just come from a drop of water, get much more into the flow instead of into some kind of routine. Okay, Libra, you're generally all about the others, you're probably even touching yourself,

you're thinking about pleasing somebody else and what kind of pleasure you could give them while you're touching yourself. Get more into the areas and have fantasies of somebody doing exactly what you want, the exact way you want it, even dominating fantasies would be great for you, Libra, that would be great for you, Libra.

That would be fabulous. Scorpio, well, you know, you've got the reputation of being the sex hand dog and you get down in dirty and you're all pelvic and grinding and all that, but you could get into the torus. And I challenge you, Scorpio, Moon Rising or Sun to do this, which is in torus, you're going to take 40 minutes just to take a bath before you touch yourself. You're going to put lotions on, you're going to brush your hair back, you're going to put on beautiful smelling things, you might even wear sexy panties or underwear for your own enjoyment before you get down to what you're going to get down to.

And Sagittarius, you're often thinking about where the grass is green or when you're masturbating. You know, where else could I be? Well, can I be with? Get into the Gemini side of masturbating, which is top dirty to yourself. Tell yourself incredibly seductive things. Do a lot of self referencing dialogue that's really hot about the words. All right. Now we get into Capricorn. Capricorn, you tend to be very structured and do it the same way and have certain goals for masturbating and maybe even time yourself.

Get over that this time, get into the cancer version of masturbating, which has spent a lot of time on your chest or your breasts. Like spend a whole lot of time getting familiar with what your upper body feels like and your belly feels like and you'll get more into the nurturing aspect of yourself. And finally, Aquarius, which would be me. Aquarius normally you're so out there and you have such weird fantasies and your little disassociated and checked out, you could be having masturbation with robots.

Who knows? But for this, you wanna go toward Leo, which is use your masturbating time, the happy hour that we're now talking about, to completely and utterly treasure yourself. You for once are the center of the universe, give all the sex energy to imagining making love with yourself by yourself and elevating masturbating to a divine union with yourself. And that's the astro wrap up.

Great. Did we do all of them? No Pisces. Oh, hi. Take a look. No, Matt, if we left them out, my dog. I know. Oh, go on. Take a look. Go on. Go on. If we left them out, my dog. I know. We can't see.

Paisis is so full of feeling. And when we connect with the Pisces part of ourself, we're often very weepy and tender and very easily swayed and hurt. Get into your Virgo side Pisces. Give yourself a masturbation workout. For five days in a row, say I'm in a masturbate from nine in the morning till nine thirty, I'm going to set up the room or the bed in a certain way, and really stick to the plan. You'll have a whole new level of self respect.

Wow, Jen, thank you so much. Okay, so what we're talking about here, Dr. Jennifer Fried is some inspiration for our masturbation by your side. Now, I think that that was first off, so inspiring because what I'm hearing a lot of done is that people don't even know that there's another way to expand masturbation. And I've been saying it for years and you've been talking about this and all of your work,

but it's like now people are like, okay, they're ready to pay attention. They're like, okay, I'm bored with hitting and quitting it and doing it the same way. So what do we do for people right now who are super reliant on porn? You talked a lot about imagination and setting which I love all these ideas.

And again, just because it wasn't in your sign, doesn't mean you can't do what she mentioned. Exactly. How do you find all of it? Yeah. Oh good. But what is your first tip of people have only been watching porn for example? How do we get people off of that and just say, I'm just so happy to be able to get to know you. I'm so happy to be able to

get to know you. I'm so happy to be able to get to know you. I'm so happy to be able to get to know you. I'm so happy to be able to get to know you. I'm so happy to be able to

get to know you. I'm so happy to be able to get to know you. things. And we should never shame ourselves for porn or whatever we're used to getting us off. But oh my God, the divine gave us a self-fulfilling pleasure vehicle. And sometimes, I'm not saying every time, when we give ourselves over to another visual medium that isn't flesh and isn't sensual, we lose our own imagination and we lose our sensitivity and we lose our capacity to really love ourselves because we get fixated on images that aren't even real. So I don't want to put anyone down but I want to say if there was ever a time to see if you can reclaim your body as

your sacred organ of pleasure. This would be now. Yeah. And I think it's what you're saying. It's experiment. I don't get down on yourself. On the other hand, if you've always been doing it this one way, take a break. Exactly.

Thank you for clearing up by that because I always say like, it's not, I am not anti-porn. I understand that it's use, but it just that right now when we do have this international time out that has been gifted to us, how do we use that time I understand that it's use, but it just that right now when we do have this international timeout that has been gifted to us, how do we use that time more wisely? How do we figure out ways to expand and people might not know where to start if they've only used porn. They've only done it the same way.

So I love what you're saying. Well, I will tell you working a lot with teens. A lot of teens have grown up learning sex ed and learning about self pleasure from porn. And I can tell you almost to a person, it shuts them down to a degree to be with actual people. Because they've been fed a visual template that's so unreal and the plots,

if there are plots aren't realistic, that they get habituated, whatever we learn when we're teenagers, we persist. They get habituated to certain sexual expectations. They can't meet and other people can't meet. So especially when you're younger, but even when you're older, this is yours. It's free. You can take it anywhere and get pleasure.

You don't always have a computer at your disposal. You don't always have this type of machine, but you always have this and we were given this. It's like mind blowing that we got this pleasure possibility. It's mind blowing. It's mind blowing, Jen. And I think that's a great way to put it.

It's habituated. It's like we have to rewire our brains, but I think it's so terrifying for people to like rip the cord from their porn and what else they've been doing. And so they'll realize it's not as it's going to take a little bit of time, but I don't think it's as scary and stressful as they think you are going to find on the other side of it is this whole other world that especially teens, they were never even given the chance to explore because for them, sex was porn. And they do have all these expectations. I've been having a lot of talks about that the last few days with some other hosts who are like, you know, what do we do now?

Like that's literally like I was talking to these hosts, they were in their late 20s. They're like, we grew up with porn. And we really, and they were surprised to learn that it wasn't real life. Like literally people still don't get up. So I'm just like trying, and I love the way you're saying all of this, because I'm really trying to find a way to get people to realize that like there's so much more to it, and it's just not realistic. And that it's not. Well, I think we start with a basic, you know, the basic for me to

get away from the machine, whether it's a vibrator or porn, because it's all machines and they're all have their use. Yes. It's just lay down and touch yourself the way you would want a lover to touch you for five minutes. Now I guarantee you that if a lover, your dream lover walked into your house today and they were totally clean from the virus, But if they walked into your house and they said, how do you want me to make love to you? Then just take time to do that with yourself. And it's just a beginning. And it's just a way to say to your body, hi body,

I'm ready to get to know you again. And it's a beautiful entrance. That is so beautiful. I mean, I love that. I love that idea of what do I really want? If my lover was here because I'm supposed to, I got to hang up and go masturbate like a Gemini. I got to do an astro travel. Right. You do. That is the big question. What do we all want? And it's okay. It's not self-assuring. What would I want a lover to do for me? Because it's also a great practice for when we do see our lovers again. But right now, you are, if we are our best lovers, what do you really want? Because right now what we're saying is you can have it all. Yeah, we might not know.

Yeah, it would be great for that. I would imagine. Yes, and it would be great for all of us to come out of this time period more in love with ourselves. I mean, just imagine we got a lot of time out and what if we use this time to love ourselves wisely and learn new tricks of self-seduction and self-exploration and we all came out of this time feeling a little bit hotter with ourselves. Wouldn't that be amazing?

That would be amazing. If we leave quarantine and we're all just striding with all of our new fans, so I love like I myself so much more. We have a choice right now. We really have a choice if we want to go down the negative rabbit hole, watching news and or we can just lift ourselves up. And I love that it's five minutes,

just start with five minutes. And then if you need to do something else or go back to your routine, this is a process, It's a practice. It's like I think that we have expectations that it's just going to, we're going to be able to fix it or do it differently. But if you remember, it's five minutes at a time. Maybe next time you want to do it for seven minutes, ten minutes, but to realize it, like

you can get into your body and create new pleasure, new pathways to pleasure that maybe you didn't experience before. I love that phrase Emily. Let's really aim for that new pathways to pleasure. And I would love to hear back from your audience when they do the five minute experiment what they find out. Because that's how I learned to meditate. I couldn't meditate. But somebody said just start with five minutes. And now I really am good at meditating because I never had this pressure. Let's just have five minutes pathway to pleasure experimenting with new ways to take ourselves in as lovers.

Yeah, absolutely. I think that's so funny. That's the same thing with meditation for me that giving permission that it didn't have to be perfect. Yeah. When I used to think it had to be for an hour, but you're absolutely right. Like five minutes, you could do anything for five minutes.

And we have the time right now. I love that. Jen, thank you. the time right now. I love that. Jen, thank you. This is like- I love you Emily, like crazy. I love you. I love you. Why, I can't believe it.

I know. I know. But I am going to take my own advice, your advice. Yeah. And I'm going to do all the things I tell everybody. And I would love people to let us know how this works for them. One more thing, Jen, like I have another question for you. What about people in relationships that are,

like is there a conversation that you, I'm just something, if something comes to your hand, people are on FaceTime, for example, or they're using Skype. And they're with partners and they're separated. Is there some kind of like, using what we know they can maybe even get your book, Jennifer has a new book, Use Your Planets Wisely,

which is just a brilliant book about astrology, finding our way. It's the first time it's actually really made sense to me. But are there conversations that people can have to go deeper with their partners? Like questions they could ask or things they could talk about other than like, oh, today I watched the news and went for a walk. Well, just today I was talking to my partner about my current masturbation sexual fantasies and we were cracking up because we have such different ways we go about our sexual fantasies. But I think you just have deeper conversations because

there's more time. I asked a friend yesterday, we were on a Zoom call cocktail hour and we were talking about masturbating because I was going to do the show and he said, I didn't masturbate till I was 18. And we were like, what? Goes never even thought of it. And we started learning so much about each other. And I went, oh my God, that makes so much sense because you're so living out of late-natal essence now.

Now is super, super horny. Exactly. But you just get to know people like what kind of fantasies do you have? What do you wish that we could do together when this is over? We've never tried. What's your most scary emotional reveal when you're far away from me? What's your worst fear about us being separated?

And, you know, there's so many deeper questions we can ask each other. Or, you know, when you think about coming back together, what's going to be the most awkward part about seeing each other again after all this time? What do you wish I would do when you walk through the door, the first thing exactly when you wish you I would do that would make you feel like all this time is worth it? I can go on and on, because I'm a little romantic.

Yes, you are, Jen. I just got excited. I love this. Well, I just think that. I just got excited. I love this. Well, I just think that people need this inspiration right now. I mean, there's only a few weeks in. So we've got some time ahead, Jen. We have to keep talking. Thank you so much for your help right now.

Much love. Much love to you, my sister. All right, you guys. Thank you for supporting our sponsors. They are here to help you. A lot of them are offering products and services you might like right now. They help us keep this show on the air doing it three times a week. And you help them as well.

So we're going to get quick break and we come back. We're going to get in to your emails. All right, guys, I love answering your questions. It's why I'm here. So if you want a question answered on the show, go to sexbelemly.com, click the ask Emily tab, fill out the short form, or just email me. Feedback at sexbelemly.com as always, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show.

Alright, thanks guys. This is from John 63 in California. Emily, what's the best kind of loop for vaginal penetration? Starting with a loop question. Can you recommend a good brand? Also does it matter what kind of loop to use for female masturbating?

Is the shower okay to you soap when having sex? Thanks Emily. All right, John, thanks for the question. A lot of you have been asking actually a lot of sick, great questions about what sex toys should you buy right now? What loop should you buy right now, and I will be doing some shows about that as well. If you are with a vulva owner who has a sensitive vulva of a vagina right now, I would recommend,

I always recommend to start with water-based lube. I love pure, it's PJUR, it's a great healthy water-based lube for women. Now, I like a silicone lube, so I really like pure mixes silicone lube, it. It has one ingredient in it and it lasts longer and it's great for the shower. Now, here's the thing. People think, well, I'm in the shower. The shower is wet. Well, I would need to add loop, but you actually do need loop in the shower and silicone loop lasts a lot longer longer. I wouldn't use soap. You said, is it okay to use soap? No, soap gets into the vagina. It can sting. I would love you to use some lube and just leave it in the shower. I do. I have lube in the shower. Oh, you know what I love in the shower? I have my lufa, my sex in the shower

lufa. It's by the brand sex in the shower. You can check it out in our site. And it's a lufa that has a little tiny vibrator in it. So you're getting clean. Well, you're also having a little vibe. I also use the weave-eye tango I have in my shower. That's another great waterproof vibrator. Thank you, John, for your question. This is from Leo 38 in Canada. Hey, Emily, my wife and I've been married for 12 years now. We have an on-suite bathroom in our bedroom.

One morning, after I finished having shower, I came into the bedroom and she had a blanket still on but looked like I interrupted her masturbation. I didn't say anything and pretended nothing happened. I'm thinking this is still going on. I know communication is a lubrication, but how do I introduce this subject in a conversation? The truth is I'm not angry or mad. I would love to take part in it with her. To me, sex isn't always about penetration. How can I talk to a bio that's sounding like I was spying? Cheers and thanks for your advice. Leo.

Okay, Leo, thanks for this question. You've been married for 12 years. Well, this is what I'm talking about. I cannot think of a better time for a few of conversation with your partner, with your wife about her masturbating. Now listen, the reason why we, there's so much challenge around masturbation and why I've been getting so many more questions

is because typically, if we do masturbate, which I think we all should, or can masturbate without feeling guilt or shame because it's actually part of being sexually healthy, is to have a healthy masturbation practice. So the fact that you guys have been together for 12 years though, and never talked about it, I hear this a lot. The reason why we don't talk about it is

because we feel either bad about it because we were brought up with a message that masturbation was wrong or shameful or maybe we were shame for it. So I think when you guys are hanging out, which we all have a lot of time to right now, maybe this would be a great time for me to send you all a refresher about the best ways

to actually have these conversations around sex. And I believe that it's always best to do it, not right after sex when you're outside the bedroom. And you're just hanging out, you're on the couch, you just had a great dinner, and you could say, you know what? Now that we've got all this time in our hands and more intimacy, I think it would be really high if we masturbated together.

You don't even have to bring up Leo that you walked in on her and that awkward thing. You could say, I do, and I think it would be really sexy to watch you masturbate because let me tell you this, mutual masturbation, it's another one of my top pandemic tips here because you know you're going to get off. A lot of us are really stressed. We might not want to be having it or course or be thinking about someone else's needs right now, but it works because it's super sexy to see our partners get off. Plus, you're learning. Like if you've been with your wife Leo for 12 years and you have never seen her actually masturbate, it's such a

great learning tool because you're actually going to see, oh wow, I didn't realize that she used a finger inside of her or the way she mismess out of her clitoris. I could learn a lot or if you're watching your partner with a penis, I mean, I'll never forget the first time I had a mutual masturbation session with a long-term boyfriend and I thought, wow, look at him. He is, I didn't realize that he put his hand up and over, that he touched his balls and then he goes up and over the shaft. So then I knew the next time that I was performing oral on him or giving him a hand job

that he wanted his balls to play with and I should go up and over the tip with my mouth or my hand. So it's a great practice, it's a great way to learn about our partners what they like. So I think, just bring it up to her. And you know, you could bring up, she might say, oh, you saw me that time, me, yeah, and I can't stop thinking about walking in on you that day. I think that was really sexy. So I

think a lot of times the things that we want from our partners, we really just need permission. We just need permission. So you're wife will know Leo and everyone listening that your partners will know that you are accepting them, that you love them, that you think it's beautiful, they're expressing their sexual selves. Because I think that we all are so afraid that we're going to be rejected or we're going to be shamed for our sexual desires. And really, it's just more than ever. Let's just show love, let's show support, let's have these two our partners and have healthier conversations right now. And we've got a lot of time and what better healthier things to do

because you guys all know also that having an orgasm is actually really good for you that it actually helps your immune system. It improves our moods. We're releasing all of these feel good hormones that can help with infection. And it turns our mood around. So, like I said, I'm hearing from a lot of men

in your master meeting. I encourage women to step up your mastermation practice, send me specific questions this week too. I'll be helping you all kind of get a better practice going if you're not, but it will be a game changer, a mood booster, and it's also, especially if you're alone without a partner, you can really work on exploring what feels good to you, exploring other paths to pleasure. We've got a lot of time to do it right now and this is the time to do it.

All right. This is from Taylor, 25 in Northern Nevada. Dr. Emily, in my first relationship, we put together four months. I'm 25. He's 36. Things started out good, then he didn't respond to my text messages and then he goes to me. He works a lot. He works weekends and we weren't able to stay in touch very well through phone

or text, so I decided to end the relationship. Then he reached out to me a few weeks later, said he missed me, he wanted to get back together. I gave him a chance mostly because I could understand what happened. He told me it health problems are things going on, things have been better but we still have problems with communication. He doesn't respond to my texts or calls. Now it seems like things are going back to the way they were when he broke up. Do you really think he's working that much? Join you to end the relationship? He didn't get me anything on Valentine's Day and he canceled our plans.

Oh God. Okay, listen, I don't have to read any more of this, Taylor. So this is your first relationship, you're 25 years old, and this is what we call a toxic relationship. It's really unhealthy. And this is what we call a toxic relationship. It's really unhealthy. You're not getting your needs met. He's not really treating you as you'd like to be treated, which when it's your first relationship,

you're not really sure. It's really confusing. What I'm gonna tell you is you can get into a relationship with somebody who actually wants to see you. When they say they're gonna call you, they call you and they make a plan, they show up, when they say they're gonna text you, they text you. This they make a plan, they show up when they say they're going to text you, they text you.

This message is so important because I think we get locked into these patterns. Sometimes in our 20s, we just go to a series of toxic relationships and we think all manner assholes, all women ghost. And we make all these stories up because we don't actually know what it feels like or what it looks like to be in a healthy relationship. Maybe our parents didn't model that.

Maybe we get trauma growing up. There's a lot of reasons why we don't recognize what it's like to actually be treated well, but you can be with someone who shows up and treats you well. Now, the problem is we get hooked early on, right? It feels that's what we talk about the honeymoon stage and the early part of relationships. It can feel sort of intoxicating. We beat someone dude and it's so exciting and and then all of a sudden they changed the pattern. They changed the equation. They stopped texting.

They don't follow through with their words, but we're already hooked because for three weeks or three months, they were on top of it. They always called when they said they were going to call. They always texted when they said they were going to text. And so what I want to say to you is yes, you should end the relationship. I understand that you're probably at a point now Taylor, you're sort of addicted to them. You're of addicted to him. You're yearning for him.

You're craving his attention and his desire and all that. But I'm telling you that if you realize what are you that you deserve, someone who follows through the word, treats you well, they get out of this relationship and do some journaling. Write down the things that you actually learned from this relationship.

I think it's really important for us to kind of when we break up with somebody, spend time figuring out what did I like from that relationship? What didn't I like from that relationship? So you can make healthier choices. You are not crazy here. There's not many people to tell us that we are. I think if we ask our friends, maybe they're going through this too. And she's like, well, my boyfriend never texts me either. And then, you know, I think that sometimes we'd like to hear from our, if we like to bounce all these things off our friends, but sometimes they don't give us the best advice. And yes, people might be flaky. And it's really common for people to go, but you don't deserve it. I guess what I'm saying to tell you, you do not deserve to be treated this way.

You are right that it feels wrong. You are right that it's flaky. You may, I don't know if he's working all the time, but to forget about it on Valentine's Day, your first Valentine's day, and to cancel plans, and to not show up to me that is toxic, and you need to end it. Thank you, Taylor, for your message.

Okay, this is from Mark 55 in California. Emily, forgive me if you discuss this before, but I have a question. My wife has expressed an interest in watching porn with me, but she wants the porn to be more story-based, such as a Harlequin romance novel. Is there such a category or filmmaker? Let me know either way, Mark. All right, Mark, here's the thing. In this pandemic, in this time of quarantine, what happens is I think we get a lot more creativity. I think a lot of us realize that we have to start, you know, our true artistic nature come out. We start

writing more, creating more. What I hope is that we see more porn for women by women to start, you know, our true artistic nature come out. We start writing more, creating more. What I hope is that we see more porn for women by women. Now right now, Mark, a lot of the porn we see is by men for the male gaze. So I can't tell you that there are a few filmmakers that I'm into. I'm into Erica Lust, L-U-S-T. She makes exactly the kind of films you're talking about. Yes, it's a subscription based, but it is worth it. There's more plots and storylines, and there's women with real body types, with normal,

typical bodies, and it's just, it's very relatable. Also, what I really love is these erotica apps. A lot of you have been liking Tri-Quin, QUINN, and then there's also Dipsy. It's called Dipsy. It's called Dipsy, D-I-P-S-E-A. They're audio or radica, so you can also listen to things. And I think for a lot of us hearing words is really sexy.

Our brains, you know, brain is the largest sex organ, I would say, so that could help. And also maybe you guys could go through, you know, porn hub or any of the places together, but I just don't find a lot of stuff for that is appealing to a lot of the women. So right now it's Erica Lust. If I didn't want to venture out, let me know about sites they found that have been healthy and helpful.

Please get back to me and let me know. Okay. This question came in off of Instagram. My Instagram is sex with Emily. Okay. Dr. Emily, I need your professional personal opinion here. Sexual compatibility. Is it the deal breaker in relationships? I've been with my guy for 3.5 years now, consistent sex fights.

I always want more. He's fine with sex twice a month. I feel like I'm sexually starving. I'm my 30s and bisexual peak thus far in life. Extremely horny and hot for him. But I think he's got low tea or something. I feel cranky all the time. And yes, I mastermate to try to keep myself afloat but I'm still incredibly frustrated. Just yesterday, walk into the house, midday and say, hey, I can't remember the last time

we had sex the middle of the day, helping you take that as a clue and then go for it. Nope, his response, why are you starting a fight? Ah, no words, I couldn't believe it. Honestly, I've really tried. I've talked to him, told him what I need. He's just a sexual, although libido, I can't, any advice. All right, so I like this question because

this is exactly what I'm talking about here is that I understand why she's frustrated, why she's frustrated, but also like, listen, when we, maybe we need a little refresher here and how to actually have healthy conversations with our partner. When we walk into an environment, we want something for our partner, right? For the many times you've walked in the house and you thought that this time your partner would actually know how to initiate sex.

They would be there for you. They would show up and they would hear what you're saying and know you have it at sex a few months and it would be their idea to come over and say, babe, I really miss it. But no, that doesn't happen. So when we want sex and we get rejected, what we do, we lash out in that moment, we say, oh, I thought, now we would actually have sex. It's been months since we had sex. Do you think that in those situations, even though I get it, we all say things we regret in the height of the moment. Your partner's gonna be like, you know what, you're right.

Yeah, let's do it now. No, of course they're gonna answer. Of course they're gonna say why you starting a fight because they also are feeling like, I know, they know you haven't had sex, but they don't know why. Now, all her partner knows is he's not in the mood for sex. Maybe he used to be in the mood for sex and he doesn't know why.

Women don't know why. We have no idea. But all around, this happens all the time. There's a high desire partner and a low desire partner in every single relationship. I've yet to find one where it remains equal. You and your partner each want sex 3.2 times a week. No, that doesn't like literally in all these years. It's very rarely happens.

No, granted, you guys are coming to me with questions, but that's the reality of the situation. So, I would say you're in your 30s, you have been with him for how long? 3.5 years. So, you are allowed to, at this point in your life, say to him, outside the better, I'd love to talk about our relationship in our intimacy. These are all the things I love. I love how we connect. I love how we love each other. I love that you help me solve a lot of my problems and I love your family and I like our long walks and do that. However, and sex is really important to me. Pleasure and sex and intimacy is really high on my list. And it has to be a big part of my life.

It's important that I connect with you on that level, with a partner, with a long-term lifelong partner. And so I really need to know if you'd be willing to take a look at our sex life to take a look at our sex life, take a look at our intimate life and figure out a way that we can both have our needs met and be satisfied. Is that something you'd be willing to work on with me?

Listen, I hear from a lot of you that say, well, my partner said they don't want sex anymore, they don't care, blah, blah, blah. You can't just one day say, you know what, I'm not gonna check the sex box. I'm just gonna quit sex. I'm quitting sex. Sex is canceled.

You can't cancel sex. You really can't. I mean, if you're alone, you can cancel sex all you want. Although I encourage you, if you're alone right now, to love yourself. Self-love goes a long way Mambas orgasm and dolphins feel really good So it's it's that kind of conversation, but you see the difference there been saying oh, we haven't had sex in a year

Oh, how can we never initiate? No one wants to do anything when you put them on the defensive and remember when we're confronting our partners with something defensive and remember when we're confronting our partners with something. A great, this is a great place to practice, especially now. We've got a lot of anxiety. We've got a lot of stress. Now listen, I understand you're probably thinking, Emily, I'm so glad I'm stressed out right now. Sex is the last thing on my mind. I don't want to have sex.

I don't want to talk. I'm so angry about all these things. Remember, would you try to have these difficult conversations with your partner that it's important to start with I words first like how you feel I feel When we're not having sex often it makes you feel really disconnected from you It makes you feel like you don't love me. It makes me feel don't say it makes me feel not loved It makes you feel not sexy. It makes me feel you know But when you say you don't initiate and you not initiating makes you feel this way

Then you're just putting the blame on them and they can't hear anything else that you're saying. So use feeling words. Another tip is to repeat back what your partner says. So remember, these conversations are slow. We want to slow down. It doesn't have to happen all in one day. You can happen over course of several days or several weeks. And you can just say, teach this to your partner, do this together.

Repeat back what they're saying. So let's say your partner said to you, you know, I feel like we're not having enough sex and it's often, or let's say she says to her partner, baby, I feel like that we're not having enough sex and I feel like I'm always initiating and I'd like to work on it So what he could say instead of you're picking a fight he could say So let me hear you straight what you're saying is You're not having a sex right now and you feel like you'd like me to initiate more And you like to talk about and then I have a choice there. I could say yes, I could correct. I could say no. Well, I didn't mean that you have to initiate. I mean, you need to initiate sometimes. And then you repeat

again, okay, what you're saying is you really like to have more sex. You'd like me to contribute to the initiating and you're hoping that we can work on it together. And then you wait till she like agrees or he agrees and says, yeah, that's exactly what I said. And then you continue this way and you just continue to read and repeat it back and to listen. This is what we call active listening. I mean, shit, you could do this when your partner says I'm going to the store, do anything and have a repeat back to your shopping list. It really helps in so many different ways of our life. So, and then in this way, then it's your turn. So just and then in this way, then you get to your turn.

So, just try to practice some active listening, repeating back and keeping some neutral tones right now because we all need that. All right, okay, I got a lot of these. This is from Ben on Instagram. Hey, you were talking about a couple of tests. Where do I find these? Okay, so this is a great time before stuck on with our partner or even if your partner's, you know,

you're quarantining your separate from your partner. Have conversations with them that kind of lead to more intimacy. So one of them would be doing, he's probably talking about the yes, no, maybe list, go to sexwithm.com, search yes, no, maybe list. And it's a list that helps you and your partner kind of talk about your sex life and what you're both into intimately and what turns you both on. And you could kind of like figure out, well, where do you want to start?

We want to spice things up. We want to keep things interesting right now. You know, maybe you both want to roleplay. The list will put things out there. Like, I want to roleplay. I want to talk dirty. I want to try anal. And then you compare that list with your partner and see where you both want to try things or what are your maybe's? Can you get your

maybe's to yes? We have a lot of time now to do it. Also another great test or list to take with your partner. I think to figure out where you guys are kind of enhanced intimacy is the love language quiz. That's also wherever you search, love language quiz. That's a great way to figure out how you book guys can both connect right now and give love in the way that you both need to receive love. I've heard from a lot of different people who are trying to use this time to connect more or they want to finally try some toys or do some of the things I've talked about. I feel like a lot of you have been asking me, like you'd be going online and ordering your toys, maybe you're ordering some role play outfits,

instead of like, binging on Netflix all the time, you could say one night a week, this is gonna be our night that we actually work on, sex and relationships and dating and love. I think it's time to be more expansive in your sexual repertoire. Thank you everybody, stay safe. Thanks for my awesome team.

Love you guys, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, Robin, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? E-nummy, feedback at sexwithemley.com. you