Sex With Emily - Babe, Let’s Talk About Our Sex Life

Episode Date: August 3, 2022

If you’ve never talked about your sex life with your partner before, there’s a good chance they’ll push back. Why? Because most of us go into fight or flight mode when talking about sex: it’s not normalized in our culture, we get defensive, we feel like we’re being criticized. But never fear – you can create a culture of sex communication in your relationship, one talk at a time. Be the change, is what I’m saying.On today’s hotline show, I take your calls about having a sex talk. Like: telling your wife you want her to massage your prostate. Or telling a partner you want your vanilla sex to be a little spicier. How to relax into oral and give your partner tips to make you scream, and how to tell your partner: “you know what? I need to be seduced a little before we jump into penetration.” If we can talk about sex like we talk about dinner, everyone wins! So take a listen to this episode, and see if your next sex talk isn’t a little bit easier. Show Notes:Embodied is The New Sexy: 5 Benefits of Living a Radically Embodied Life A+ Oral Sex for VulvasEverybody Loves OralAsk Emily: How Do I Better Enjoy Oral Sex? Mind-Blowing Oral Sex in Under 5 Minutes: The Kivin Method Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The other challenge about Royal Sax is that everyone's body is different. Every single wallva is a different wallva and likes different things. Like I learned through my masturbation that the upper left quadrant of my wallva, like on the left side of my clitoris, is more sensitive than the right. For you Abby, it might be right and not your left. How fun we get to really get granular and figure out what feels good to us. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. If you've never talked about your sex life with your partner before, well, there's a good chance they'll push back. Why? Well, because most of us go into fight or flight mode when talking about sex, it's just not normalized

in our culture. We get defensive, we feel like we're being criticized, but never fear. You can create a culture of sex communication in your relationship, one talk at a time. Be the change is what I'm saying. On today's hotline show, I take your calls about having a sex talk, like telling your wife you want her to massage your prostate, or telling a partner

you want your vanilla sex to be a little spicier, how to relax into oral, and give your partner tips to give you even more pleasure. And how to tell your partner, you know what? I need to be seduced a little bit before we jump into penetration. If we can talk about sex like we talk about eating dinner, everyone wins. So take a listen to this episode and see if your next sex talk isn't a little bit easier. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in sending

an attention for the episode. I do it, I encourage you to do it. Well, my intention is to normalize and highlight the importance of talking about your sex life at any stage in a relationship. Plus, show you how much of a difference it can really make in your sex life. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article embodied is a new sexy.

Five benefits of living a radically embodied life is up at sexwithemily.com. Also check out my YouTube channel, my social media, and my TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me. sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Or just comment outline 5-5-9 talk sex or 5-5-9-8-2-5-5-7-3-9. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name if you want our main anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hi, Dr. Emily. My name is Andrew from Washington State. In my 30s, me and my wife had been married for 10 years. And we're both the only people we've ever been with. And we've been over the last couple of years. And our life in the bedroom has been stale or non-existent. Maybe once a month if we're lucky. And then also it's pretty vanilla, pretty boring.

I want to be a little bit more adventurous. She's very not. pretty boring. I want to be a little bit more adventurous. She's very knock. Thank you. Bye. Andru, welcome to Being Married for 10 Years. Okay? Welcome to be married for a while or in a committed relationship for a while.

Your sex life is going to get a little bit stale. In fact, I'd be hard-pressed to fight a couple that doesn't have this challenge. Unless they've been listening to the show for a long time and they understand that prioritizing your pleasure, prioritizing talking about sex to your partner is probably one of the most important conversations you can have. So you're not alone, nothing's wrong, and let's start where you're at. So first I want to know, how was your sex life in the beginning of the relationship? Did you guys have had sex? Were you really connected to each other? You know, was it a little bit more

exciting in the beginning? Help the answers, yes. Help the answers, yes. That's why we are with somebody. We're with somebody because usually the sex was amazing in the beginning and then over time we get set in our ways. We focus on our careers or our family or other things and we just kind of forget about the sex. And then it's hard to get back to it or it's hard to even make it exciting. And because remember, honeymoon sex is the best sex early on. You know, it's all new.

You've never been with this person before. You've never touched this person's body before. So now we got to start thinking about what can you guys do to make it a little bit more interesting right now? Have you ever talked to her about your sex life? Have you ever had a conversation and said, God, I would love to prioritize our sex life. I'd love to know some of your biggest turn-ons, your turn-offs, what's work for you. You know, let's be great lovers to each other. So that's where this starts. Here's how it doesn't start. Gosh, our sex life is super boring lately. Feels really vanilla, don't you think so? Because

where do you go from there? Then she feels bad. She's made it vanilla. Oh my God, it's my fault. Well, a lot of us do that. I would probably do that. Start shaming and blame yourself. So if you start from a positive angle again using my three T's of communication outside the bedroom, not right after you just had boring sex again. That's not the time to do it. It's like, you know, baby, I'm thinking about us. God, I love you. You can try the compliment sandwich.

Love the compliment sandwich. Compliment sandwich, try to do the wonderful compliment about your sex life. Hey, you know, I've just been thinking about our 10 years together and, you know, you can mention something that you do love about your sex life. God, you know, I just loved watching you come out of the shower the other day. It was so hot to look at your body and I think about sex with you all the time. That's the positive part of the sandwich. That's the first layer bread and then the middle part is where you give a little love feedback.

You make a request and you say, it's really hot. And I have been listening to this podcast lately. I've been reading up on relationships. And I realize that I would love to continue to really have hot, incredible sex for the rest of our lives the next 10 years, the next 30 years. And I would love if we could start to talk about some things that we both want to try in the bedroom and start to prioritize some fun different things. And you can even talk about listening to the show. I have a podcast we should listen to together. I was listening to this podcast and I realized that the majority of couples their sex life continues to evolve and grow and become even more intimate, sexy talk about sex. And I realized we never talked about sex. So that will be your quest in the

middle. And then the final piece of bread in our compliments sandwich is because I really think if we start having talks, prioritizing our pleasure, exploring and trying new things, we're going to have a sex life that's going to be next level and really enhance our relationship and I can't wait to try things. Are you open? And I want you to be prepared that she might push back. She might say, you don't like our sex life. Are you not attracted to me anymore? Are you dating someone else? Is there someone else in the picture? What I do wrong? Are you watching a lot of porn?

Because remember people, when you bring up sex in a relationship where you've never talked about it, right? I don't care if it's 10 months, 10 years, you know, you've been together for 50 years. If you have never talked about it, the first time you do, your partner's gonna go into a little panic. They're going to go into a little fight or flight. They're going to wonder like, why hasn't this

come up before? What is the problem? It's danger because sex is so scary for so many of us. Terrifying. Our partner brings up sex like sound off the alarm. This is a problem. So you might have to reassure her. You probably haven't talked about it either. So this is new for you. So you could say, babe, I just want you to know that this is new for me. This is really uncomfortable. But for what I've gathered, it's really important for us to work on this together to get through this hump and just continue to reassure her that you think this is something that once we get past all this shame and the blocks, actually the truth is, once you learn to make this sex life more

interesting for both of you and an evolving part of your relationship, it really is going to enhance every other part of your relationship. I see this time and time again. What you do to have these conversations, you're going to realize that some of the stuff that's been a problem, because what's actually been missing is this excitement and thrill that comes from having really connected sex. And so maybe resentments have built up. Maybe one or both of you sort of started a dread bedtime, because you know that sex is going to happen.

It might not be very good or it's kind of boring. Because believe me, she knows this as well. She knows there's something up with your sex life and you haven't quite addressed yet. Once you do, it becomes a project. It becomes a new hobby. It becomes a fun part of your relationship that you're gonna start to rebuild or maybe for the first time create together.

You like co-creating a new sexual experience together, which I find very, very exciting and very thrilling. So I'm excited for you to start to have new conversations about your turn-on, your turn-off, or yes, no, maybe Liz, listen to the podcast together, watching some ethical porn, like whatever fodder you need, so you guys can both start making decisions about where you want your sex life to go. It's going to be helpful for your next level of your relationship and your sex life. Thank you so much for your question Andrew and please keep me posted you guys. There's nothing I love more than hearing your stories. I would be like to call them success stories here at

sex with Emily when you guys email us. We just got a great one the other day. This is from Michelle 47 and she said, Dr. Emily, I recently discovered your podcast on Spotify and you've given me so much to think about and talk about in my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm 47, he's 56. We've been dating for a year and a half. Sex has been amazing, but now I'm finding ways to change things up. One of the common things I'm getting from your podcast is the importance of communication and its effects on sex. I love the three teas and I was mindful of them when I had a frank talk with him last night. I also brought up listening to your podcast and I was curious if he would like to try sex without penetration. We had amazing sex this morning without penetration and both of us orgasmed. Win-win, thank you. So to me

that's like, she listened and helped her, these tips thatwin, thank you. So to me, that's like, she listened, it helped her, these tips that I'm telling you. So you guys, let me know, drop me a note, email me, feedback at sexwithelm.com. Let me know how it's going, because we're all invested in your journey. After the break, I'm answering a question from Abby who needs help receiving oral and actually enjoying it. Hi, my name is Abby. I'm 20 from Idaho. I have a question about receiving oral. I've been with my boyfriend from almost two years, and I can't tell if I like it or not.

He likes giving it to me and I like the idea of it, but maybe he's the first I've ever sex with, he's the first one who I've ever received oral from, so I just can't tell if maybe it's something that we need to just like try more or it's almost not worth it doing it because like sometimes I find pleasure from it but sometimes it doesn't really give me there or it gets me there too fast sometimes because I don't understand something I'd like to be more curious about. Thank you. All right Abby thank you so much for your question. okay listen it's funny I'm ready book right now and I'm just writing about my first oral sex experience when I was 20 years old at the University of Michigan and my boyfriend went down to me and I was like he tried to go down to me I was like what are you

doing like this doesn't feel good I would understand it do you really want to be doing this you know isn't this dirty isn't it wrong like I didn't know how to even take it in and how to feel it and how to experience it. Sounds like you're a little bit more evolved than I was. You're actually letting him do it. I think I stopped him completely, but you're letting him do it and you're feeling your way through it. It's a new experience completely. And also not to knock your boyfriend, but I'm going to guess he probably doesn't have a lot of experience doing it either. So it might not feel the best it's going to feel in your life. In fact, I'm going to tell you that sororals sex can be an incredible act, and the majority

of all the owners, remember, are going to have their most pleasure and most orgasms from oral sex, fingers, or toys. That said, I think we just need a little bit more time with you kind of relaxing into it, breathing, maybe guiding him and letting him know what feels good and what doesn't. I'm also curious what your experience is with pleasure and with orgasm knowing your own body.

Have you spent time masturbating, touching yourself? Do you know where your hot spots are in your body? Do you know what feels particularly good for you? What doesn't feel good for you? So really, this is a collaboration between you and your partner. And so he's probably doing what he's seen in porn. And the other challenge about oral sex is that everyone's body is different. Every single vulva is a different vulva and likes different things. Like I learned through my masturbation that the upper left quadrant of my vulva, like on the left side of my clitoris, is more sensitive than the right. For you Abby, it might be your right and not your left.

How fun we get to really get granular and figure out what feels good to us now There might be something with your partner like I love that he's so enthusiastic, but maybe you guys could slow it down and say you know what I'm really trying to pinpoint Where it feels good and where it doesn't and I've found that for me this learning process has really been helpful when I go slow My partner goes slow I breathe and since the clitoris is so sensitive, the vulva, there's 8,000 nerve endings that it really is a wonderful practice to kind of slow down and see how each touch feels, how the tongue feels, different licks, different moves. You remember, you can also use his his fingers that's really helpful. That could

feel great oral sex isn't just about the mouth. Also, just take the pressure off yourself that your sister should feel something in particular, like there's a particular outcome. So right now, where you're learning just to receive because that's a whole nother art of oral is receiving oral. I get a lot of questions about giving oral. Like how do I be better at giving oral? But receiving is a whole art form. Because most of us on our heads going, oh my God, do they really want to be there?

Do I smell? Is my labia weird? Yeah, am I going to orgasm? Am I not going to orgasm? What are they doing? And then guess what happened? When you are in your head and you're like cycling all these thoughts through head,

you are so far from your body and you're so far being in your body and feeling what feels good. So take the pressure off, don't look for an outcome and just breathe and feel into what feels good and communicate with your partner. Now we've a ton of resources about giving and receiving oral sex on a vulva, check out our podcast A plus oral sex for VOLVAs, and everybody loves oral. Two great podcasts to start with.

We also have articles that break down things like the Kiven method. Gosh, I don't want I'm not going to get into it here, but the Kiven method, just go to our website, check out this article. Everything that I mentioned is in the show notes, but the Kiven method is a game changer. I mentioned about seven years ago on the show for the first time. And it's particularly for oral sex and vulva owners and all y'all emailed me. I've never received so many emails in my life. And DMs, people were like, this was a game changer.

My partner had orgasm for the first time. It felt amazing. So check it out. K-I-V-I-N or check out the show notes. Thanks for your question. You got this, Abby. Hi, Emily. This is Tracy. I am 50 year old female and I am in South Florida. And my two-part question is how can I get my husband of four years who's 53 to be more

romantic with me before sex? He just usually goes right into it and starts touching me without kissing or anything. I need a little more than that. I need some for it by which he doesn't do so well. And secondly, how can I increase my sex drive? I notice at 50 and even for the past few years, it's been way, way, way, way down. Thanks, bye. Thank you so much for your question, Tracy. at 50 and even for the past few years, it's been way, way, way, way, way down. Thanks.

Bye. Thank you so much for your question, Tracy. All right. So it's something your husband just need a little bit of reset here. And so, you know, it is common to get into routine where your husband walks in. He kind of grope you for a few minutes and then like sticks it in, pumps away, roll over, watch TV. And that doesn't work for many Volvo owners.

Foreplay is important. Foreplay isn't just a suggestion. Like, oh, foreplay would be nice if you get around to it. No, no. Foreplay is actually a requirement because the majority of Volvo owners need time to warm up. We need time to get turned on in the mood and what happens with a lot of penis owners, not all of them, but many, is that, you know, that their arousal and desire is a little more spontaneous.

So in the moment, he gets hit, struck with this attraction for you and you just watch you so he just comes in and he starts going and you're like, I'm not even ready right now. I'm not even thinking about sex. So we need to first figure out is, when are you in the mood for sex? Think back to when you were feeling a little bit more turned on and you felt like your sex drive was where you wanted to be.

What was happening prior to that? We all have to become experts in our own sexual history, our own sex drives. Like, do you know the times when you were turned on? What did your partner do preceding that? What were you doing? Was the house really clean? Were the kids napping?

Did you just have a great day at work? Were you coming home from a workout? Did you have a great meal? Did you not have a great meal? Because then you weren't full. Really think about where was your mind body spirit when you were turned on? The last few times or the majority of times.

This is how we started to become like little inspectors or detectives and we're like, okay, well, this is all the things I need to have in place. So I am turned on. And then you get to communicate that with your partner or you get to figure it out together. So again, this starts with a communication about your sex life outside the bedroom. Using my three TZ communication are just letting them know like our sex life is so important. I've noticed like the last few years, you know, tell him the truth. Like my sex drive isn't what

it once was. I love you, I honor our sex life. We got to make it a priority. And I'm also trying to figure out what's really going to get me in the mood, what's going to get me turned on. And I'm thinking I need more than you walking in the room and touching me in a way that's seriously babe I'm finding that doesn't really do it for me so would you want to go on a journey with me right now? Well I figure out what my turn on's actually are and what gets me there. So that would be the way that I would frame that with him but also let's talk about your sex drive. Okay so it is known that certain age, things change, our hormones start to fluctuate, parimenopause for women can be like a 10, 15-year process, starting in the late 30s, going to the

early 50s. Gosh, that's even more than that. It could be 15 years. But no one really talks about it that much, not enough. There's some more information coming out these days, but it's like this secret part of women's life. We just just silently suffer through this period in our life, where our body changes. We might feel like we're a little bit drier. We have less lubrication, and we are less turned on. Sex can get painful. We have, you know, our desire isn't what it once was. And so just normalizing that first off, gosh, I really want to normalize that. And then think about it. Like some reasons why you might have a low sex drive. So common culprits are your hormones.

Have you had your hormones checked? Are you particularly stressed out about anything? Are you on any medications? Medications, no matter what are age, like antidepressants, huge impact on our sex drive. Are you depressed? How is your sleep? Anything going on with intimacy, any resentments in the relationship about money

or drive overall, just like, you know, what is going on? Are you guys making time for intimacy in other ways? Are you having date night? There have been like really comprehensive studies that have shown that couples who say once a week, it's our non-negotiable, it's our date night, we're not doing anything else, we're not canceling it, it's the most important thing of our week have shown that their relationships flourished in other ways, like making time

for just the two of you so you feel particularly connected. Because I'm hearing that he just walks in the room and starts to touch you and you're not turned on, maybe you're not feeling connected to him, maybe that's what you need. For me personally, I know that I'm the most connected part of what we've a chance to like

talk about our day Share something that's been going on lately. I want to feel connected Unless I haven't seen my partner in a while, you know, most of the time I'm gonna need other things Happening it's like my warm-up. It's my foreplay. You know, I happen to say that foreplay starts after the last orgasm What have you guys been doing to connect since the last time you had sex? masturbation is an important part two of getting our sex drive where we want it to be because sex begets sex. So the more orgasms we have, the more pleasure we have,

the more connected we are to sex, and orgasm, the more we're going to want to have. So Tracy, those are just some things to be thinking about. Get curious, become an expert in your own sex drive and your own sex life because then you can be the best advocate for yourself. And this is just something that you get to work out with your partner. It's a new fun thing you guys can share together and figuring out how you can have sex that is equally satisfying, desirable, and pleasurable for both of you. Thanks for your question, Tracy.

your question Tracy. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex.

That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you