Sex With Emily - Balancing Your Sexual Energy

Episode Date: April 16, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about sexual energy – and how it relates to your relationships in and out of the bedroom. She discusses how everyone has a masculine and a feminine energy, why having a balance of these energies is so important to better bedroom experiences, and all the ways the masculine/feminine polarity relates to attraction, your relationship and your sex life. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: pjur, Magic Wand, SiriusXM, Good Vibrations, GAINSWave Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about sexual energy and how it relates to your relationships in and out of the bedroom. Topics include, so everyone has a masculine and a feminine energy. What does that mean and how you tap into both of them when you need to, like in the bedroom? Why having a balance of these energies is imperative to a better bedroom experience and how to know if your relationship has the masculine feminine polarity it needs. Now this goes for same-sex relationships, any types of relationships. In order to have that attraction, you need the

masculine energy and the feminine energy. And all the ways this relates to your attraction, your relationship, and your sex life. All right, all this and more. Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day hey emily you got a boyfriend because uh my man e here he just got his heart broken he thinks you're kind of cute the girl's gotta have her standards oh my the women know about shrinkage isn't it common knowledge what do you mean like laundry it shrinks can we not talk about sex so much are you kidding me oh my god that feels so good being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. You really should. We've got years of great information on there and updating it every day with posts and things. Help you have better sex. You can also find me on SiriusXM radio, loving it, on channel 109, Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 p.m. Pacific.

And it's so fun. You guys can call in. You can listen. You can get a free trial at sexwithelmy.com slash SXM. As always, follow us on all social media at Sex with Emily. We're going to be doing some more fun giveaways. And I just think we put up stuff there that's going to make you go, hmm, you're, she's right.

This is how I can have better sex tonight. Better relationship. All right, guys, enjoy the show. You know, I get, I get something in my head and I'm just like, oh God, I want to tell you guys every night I get excited. So I was out with a friend last night for dinner and we were talking about the importance importance of understanding the masculine and the feminine energy energies in a relationship and how they work together so the sexual polarity in relationships and what we were talking about is how typically in a relationship there's a time maybe where one person's going to want to be with

the other person more than the other like there's going to be always be this flip, this polarity where maybe one's always feeling like someone's about to leave them and one's feeling like they want their freedom. Yeah. And that's going to switch. And then to understand, then I started thinking about it. And that really goes back to this whole premise of masculine and feminine energy. I think this is a concept that's fairly familiar or maybe people sort of understand parts of it not all of it or to some people when you say energy like i feel

your energy or matt they go that that's just like too woo woo and i don't know but it's really would you say those people are kind of closed off though yes those people are closed off i think they're closed off but it's only because the only reason why we are ever closed off is because we just don't have enough information. We're closed off because everyone around us was closed off whenever this came up. So we think it's weird or whatever. So just know if you've been listening, trust me here. The energy stuff is big and it's something that I want to start to, which, you know, just talk about more on the show because I have an understanding about it

and I think it would help you all in a way. Just kind of like we were talking, like, I talk about the love language, right? Like, I think we're all trying to understand, in a very base level, what is attraction? When we meet somebody new, it's chemistry. What is really chemistry? What turns us on?

What makes us, how do we, how are we attracted to someone? What does it all mean? Yeah. Like, it's chemistry what is really chemistry what turns us on what makes us how do we how we're attracted to someone what does it all mean yeah like it's so confusing like do you know right away or those people that you automatically connect with across the room are those the ones that you run from like there's that whole part of attraction then there's there's there's sexual attraction in our long-term relationship like what is the secret sauce to keeping that hot and you know we offer things like i talk about the love languages and they're like there's there's there's several different paths to travel to to get to understanding sexual attraction and how to keep sex hot and all those things but when i when i talk about the masculine feminine energy it's really interesting because that exists in every single first of all it exists in all of us we all have masculine and feminine energy we all do men women and then we all bring that you know and we have it in different ways in our lives like so i'm

definitely for example i mean my masculine masculine not like i'm a businesswoman and i'm business owner and i do things and i make deals and i'm like running my life and i'm i'm a masculine like i you know i'm hailing the cab i'm getting the deal i'm you know i am uh i would actually love to see you like we we went we're in new york but we never like hailed a cab or anything i would love i feel like you would be because you're just like this small petite woman but i feel like you would just hate like just be like taxi and like seven caps would come right exactly no i get it i get the deal i get them there and i make shit happen and i'm like and it's also like creative and practical and we're also like you know that's the visionary part and then the feminine energy which i think this is why it's so interesting is because a lot of us kind of struggle a lot of women that we know

i know that are like go-getters i mean it's changed a lot because women kind of struggle. A lot of women that we know, I know, that are like go-getters. I mean, it's changed a lot. Because women, we realize that, you know, we've had to step into our masculine with feminism and all the things happening where we started getting jobs,

going back to work, and we've been in our masculine. So the feminine sometimes, our natural state can be more elusive. But the feminine is more of the intuition, the compassion, the emotion,

like the empathy, the truth. Like when you're really in your feminine, you're really connected to your body. And you're more connected to your intuition. So sometimes if we're like too much, so here's the flip side of it. So in my life, or for me, if I am too much in my masculine sometimes, energy, it could be like, or not just be any man. When you're too masculine, like there's a flip side of it. The good side is just be any man when you're too masculine like there's a flip side of it the good side is that you're creative and you're practical you're

visionary you're hard-working but the flip could be like your ego or you get more angry you get more resentful and then for women we're like light with our heart and we are empathy and truth but if we're on the flip side of our feminine we become more weak we can seem more weak we feel like we're losing power so for example for, harder for me to be in my feminine sometimes because I don't want to seem weak and vulnerable. So what does it have to do with attraction is that typically, whether you're in a same-sex relationship, it doesn't matter if it's two men, two women, any gender together. So you think about it, there has to always be at play to create sexual polarity, meaning sexual attraction. There has to be somebody in their masculine and someone in their feminine.

It doesn't matter your gender. Yeah, so two women or two men. Two women, two men. Because if it's a man and a woman and you're both really in your feminine all the time, you're waiting for the other person to make the move, and there's no attraction. You need the polarity of the two attractions at any time.

Or you could switch it. It could switch sexually. But typically, we all have, we know what ours is. So we're usually dominant in either our masculine or feminine with a little bit of room. In the bedroom. In the bedroom. Sexually, yes.

Sexually, okay. And typically, we know where that goes and hopefully you know where that is with your partner. And so it's about like finding the balance in your relationship so sometimes relationships get filled with resentment for example typical women like if a woman feels like she wants to be able to be taken care of and be vulnerable with being or feminine which is what would make her feel more connected to her body and make her desire sex more which she would require from her male

partner is to um give her some support and some structure and some and some and some love and some support around the house maybe but when he when she starts to feel like well he never helps with the kids or i have to be the breadwinner or whatever the things we have in women then they get it then they start to resent and they they cover up we cover up our feminine a lot because we don't want to be hurt so our partners sometimes can kind of push us into our masculine or our feminine depending on the situation exactly oh oh yeah because we have to respond in either way. Because we have to choose a side usually in different ways. But when sexual attraction is truly based on this,

having this polarity present, you have to make sure that you know how to balance it in situations and to figure out what's going to find you attracted for your partner. What's going to turn you on sexually and what's going to turn your partner on. So if I, for example, am not in my body as many, like I can be a typical one. I'm not in the mood. I'm not turned on. as many like I can be a typical one I'm not in the mood I'm not turned on maybe I've just you know I spent the whole day with the kids and then I came home and I was exhausted because I

was cleaning and then my partner comes home wanting sex right and I'm like I've been in my my body is not connected to anything feminine I haven't you know I haven't done things for self-care because being self-care like like taking baths, dancing around the house, like releasing your body, doing yoga, moving your body, creating a sacred space, feeling your feelings and not having a wall up, that's how we feel more feminine. And that is what the men, the masculine is attracted to the feminine energy. is attracted to the feminine energy we want to masculine energy craves the vulnerability the expression the softness of the feminine like they and so it's a cycle

does that make sense no that makes a lot of sense because okay so i'm i mean i'm i'm straight but i'm heteroflexible. Sure. And it's interesting because there are a couple, I've had crushes on women before. And I find that when it comes to men, because in my regular life, I would say I'm in my masculine a lot. Yep.

In my regular life. And when it comes to men, a man that I find super attractive is one that dominates my masculine and pushes me into that more vulnerable feminine feeling however interesting flip side is that from the couple of crushes that I've on women that I've had I have crushes on the very feminine women and I jump into my masculine interesting huh so maybe you well I maybe you are more masculine sexually no but it's just weird it's just a woman you take that with a woman

i feel like i would step into the masculine but with a man i want to i want to step into the feminine but i always default to masculine because i just that's what i know mostly but like i'm super turned on and attracted when a guy can when their masculinity can overpower mine that's what because that's what we crave is exactly yeah and that's that's the thing that even if your partner so I was talking to my friend and she said you know she her her ex from years ago she said you know I I loved him he was great but she was always in her masculine she said you know one time I tried to like you know take us to like a um like a a sex class or something to figure something to figure out how to dominate and do all that stuff and she's like and she was doing like a trust exercise and she had like rope it was like a sex class or something to figure out how to dominate and do all that stuff. And she was doing like a trust exercise and she had like rope.

It was like a rope thing. Like she was getting blindfolded and tied up. It was like a one night thing. And she said that he, it was a trust exercise where she fell back. There was like a dominator and she was like, oh, and he got scared to like, he giggled and kind of dropped her or like kind of almost dropped her and she didn't feel safe. And the woman, the dominator was like, no, you have to.

Like she's like, no, like you have to be strong for the, in this moment, you're taking that role. That's what women, you know, we, we crave that. So I think it's in these particular moments that you have to bring that, you know, sort of, and it seems like in every other way, you don't have to be in your, you could be a very caring, loving, vulnerable man, which is what she loved about him. But what she didn't know how to articulate at the time and what a lot of us don't articulate is like no you can be all these things like i want your empathy and your

love and your support but in the bedroom i want you to dominate me and throw me against the wall i want you to take charge and i want you to make the plan because that is what fuels my passion that is hot to me when you have like when you're driving it and you're making you're initiating the masculine yes not men it's masculine and so figuring out whose role that is like yeah jame if you start dating women you'll know that maybe that's your role with women but i don't think we often even understand this polarity and how to cultivate it in a masculine feminine relationship and like how to understand that when it diminishes that's why you're having a problem

with you know attraction in your relationship to just keep it interesting you got to figure out how to keep it going okay okay so i have um i have a friend who she just ended a relationship but this actually makes so much more sense now to me like like listening because she was like talking to me and i'm like i get that but now i really get it so she was like they both lost their jobs because they worked at the same place but she stepped up and she went and she went on interviews and sent on her resume did all these things so she stepped into her masculine there and then her partner though her boyfriend was not doing those things right and was kind of just more like oh like not even asking for help but just like not being in his masculine and so she was

like i am not attracted exactly so their like sex life was like kind of diminishing because of that that's exactly it and that's why and jamie exactly that's exactly and that's why men have to understand oh she only wants you for my money she's looking why does she care no it's about your drive it's about your compassion and it's about your commitment to something it's about like having a passion in life to your vision like men are the masculine energy has a very strong vision and a passion and like women find that energy attractive or massive feminine finds it attractive so exactly jame he's not looking for work he's sitting around he's not doing anything and she's driving it's like and then he wants to

have sex she's literally it's biologically wherever she it's her feminine not attractive to it he's not giving her what she needs in the same women, sometimes if they're too much in their masculine and not giving it, that that's going to be hard for the men. You know, another idea would be another great example. It's like, let's say, because I was thinking about the calls last night. We had a woman who called in and she said, you know, he doesn't have a job. He's lying on the couch. And I wish that he would make up, you know, that I don't want to, you know, she's probably nagging him. He wasn't doing something. And I said, the way to handle this, and that's, I get it. That's already when it's been a problem for a while. But let's say the flip side, you really want your partner to, you're in the,

you're the feminine energy and you really want your partner to like make a plan and to take you out and to make you feel really in your feminine because your feminine loves being taken care of, having the plans made, feeling sexy. So instead of saying, you never make plans, you never plan anything special, I was saying, I feel, I'm so excited for you to plan Saturday night to take me somewhere that I haven't been before, like to a fun restaurant or a meal.

I love when you take care of all those plans. It's really hot. Instead of saying, why aren't you doing this? Why aren't you doing that? But when we fall into that role of our feminine, it can kind of, it might not feel natural, but that's really what we're saying. We're nagging because we're not getting a need met. So it's kind of like a trust fall with yourself.

Yes. Because you let yourself fall into your masculine or your feminine. And it's scary. The reason why it's so hard for us, it's really hard to be vulnerable. It's hard for women to open their hearts and to be vulnerable it's hard for men to you know only like to get out of their masculine and into their hearts so we're all trying to do the separate journey because we want that for men too because we want them in the bedroom we want them to be all the things that are masculine dominating but in real life we also want them

to be empathic and loving and so when men aren't in their masculine you know it's it's a whole dynamic that we're trying to figure out and we have to balance in our day-to-day life everywhere so even if this is the other thing even if you're single let's say you're single i hate the word single i hate so many words but you know why how about you're just like it just sounds like you're single i understand that's just a number but then you're waiting to be a double or i'm dating yeah you're like you're single. I understand that's just a number, but then you're waiting to be a double. Yeah. Like you're imperfect.

You're by yourself. You're by yourself. Or maybe you're looking for love. How are you carrying yourself when you're out in public? Like I've noticed some friends who we're not, and I guess I'm talking from a women thing too, but they're more on their masculine. They're running around.

They're doing meetings. They're not moving in their body. They're not connected. They haven't exercised in a while or breathed deeply, so they're leading in their masculine, and they're not like... Do you think that that's why a couple times when I go out... Because I feel like I try to put out my feminine when I'm

out, but maybe I'm just not actually tapping into it, and that's why I'm not getting approached. Yep. Because you know how we talk... Because you don't like... You've been a tomboy. It's going to be a lesson for you, but because you know how you don't like you've been a tomboy it's gonna less be a lesson for you but if you want a man to dominate you have to sink more into your feminine absolutely james so foreign yeah i know i know but we could practice okay because there is it it is in you yeah and i mean i like to be you know i mean it's interesting too because i was trying to think about this because like we've talked before about how i like to uh how like i not like to but i have i'll ask a guy out i don't

mind but then when that happens i end up being that dominant person in in that situation and doesn't work out. So how do I like, do I, but what, I can't always just wait for someone to ask me out. No, but I think you can make your interest known. And you could say, I really enjoyed talking to you. This is fun. We could do it again. Like, here's my number and give them the option rather than maybe just doing the asking.

And so that's sort of a medium place or just let it be known maybe you have to put yourself out there let them let your interest be known so we should do this again we should you know so kind of like kind of like make the first move but like half the move and then like kind of give it to them like it was their idea yeah maybe perhaps make it their idea yeah exactly like here's my number jamie's going all the dating apps and she's gonna be testing all these theories because we get into i think we've talked about this and i can't decide i'm telling you or i i well the truth is there's no rules to any of this we all get to decide i don't believe in rules around anything around dating and all those things i think we get

to decide something has worked out for everybody there's every scenario where a woman asking a man out they fall in love and they've been together for 30 years there's been times where that doesn't work but I think when we say that like it's a talking to people in their 20s now 30s or probably more your generation day when they're like oh no it's equal women you know so many men are like I'm so relieved when a woman asks me out like I'm so relieved when and again we're talking masculine feminine so who's ever I'm so relieved when that happens because I actually would like that to happen and it's so much pressure now with me too and I think okay well maybe there has been a change in a shift that that we all appreciate

knowing that few we can avoid rejection here because we know this person likes us and it's great if you let it know. That's one thing. But the other side of that is, are you setting a relationship on that track by you doing the initial asking and being in the masculine? Are you leading where you took that experience was never, he wasn't allowed to show up in his masculine, so therefore you're always going to see him in his feminine he's going to be in his feminine or is it really just doesn't matter because it's the initial time and then that's you just ask someone out and then you let them take the ball from there so it's interesting to see what is goes now because 20 years ago like

it wasn't half people were not women not as much rest people now now we're hearing they are so it's just it's an interesting time to be alive and i think this is good too for for women who who do like to be who actually like to be in their masculine like in the bedroom or sexually that's like do you make the move you ask the person out because then you'll probably attract that feminine right energy that you want back right exactly because it's okay to be switched exactly or to flip it up, exactly. Figure out what you, and mostly figure out what turns you on.

Like, what is the energy that you crave when you think about sex? Like, what is that energy? And then you provide the flip energy to it. The yin to the yang. I can't wait to put this to the test. I love it, too. I can't wait for you to do that. You're going to be doing it now.

And again, we embody both of them. Men and women have both those energies, you know? Do you think there's like a way, because I don't even know, I am barely starting to be conscious of my masculine and feminine energy. Is it like really just about, like how do you figure out what you're in?

Or like how do you visualize like what energy you're in oh i think it's really about for the feminine i think that you are really in your body meaning you are you're not just moving with your head you're moving with your body like you have breathed you spent time connecting you are you are feeling yourself as you're walking into a room and you're fully embodied in your feminine, the way you're carrying yourself, the way you're moving. And like,

it's like when you feel sexy or when you feel desirable or when you feel turned on and more muted down version of that, that's kind of how, you know, and also when you're like letting people do like, you're not the one when you're out, like grabbing open the door grabbing the menu like like you know the one who's paying the you know doing all the things to for to

create order and structure okay you're kind of you're kind of uh leaning back and letting someone else lead you're letting the masculine lead so if you are taking charge you are more in your feminine masculine okay so then what if though i'm just like just because I just I just tell someone like, hey, I like even if it's like a first date kind of thing because I'm on like the apps now. I'm just like, hey, I really would find it cool if you made the plan. Yeah, I think it's really. Yeah. Like, can I just be for it? Because is that.

Yeah, you could say. Or I think I love when you play. I love it's really yeah like can I just be for because is that yeah you could say or I think I love when you plan I love it when you plan I would say that I'd be like god I love it when you plan I'm not a planner but this is what I love like I don't know and that's true for me I don't I that was a problem I've had problem relationships we both were not planners that wasn't good that was kind of a battle there like it's not that I won't do anything but I'm not going to make the details on the call and the think ahead of time like that's just not my brain so anyway that's yeah so to let him know like I'm open but you make the plan I love it when you lead even if you just met them all right guys we're going to take a quick break and we'll come back with more All right, let's talk to Teddy, 52, in California,

because she wants to comment on the masculine and feminine energy. Oh, cool. Hey, Teddy. Thanks for calling. Hi. Hi. Great. I'm super excited to be talking with you guys. I listen to you every night on the way home. Oh, good. And I wanted to comment just because I'm a lesbian. Okay. And I have been

in relationships where I am definitely more of the masculine energy. And I have been like Jamie was saying, ultra, I'm attracted to ultra femmes. The more feminine, the better. It's the most feminine things about women that I love. And yet, the real femmes that I have been attached to have a very masculine energy. recognized so many things that all of a sudden made sense to me and i was with somebody who was feminine and now i recognize the relationship didn't work because her energy was more masculine and i was used to being in that role exactly i think we just didn't know how to how to work that out right right exactly that's so interesting i didn't know what that was right exactly i was saying i was explaining this to my friend the other day. He's gay, same thing. He was talking about a guy he was dating,

and we were talking about it. Right, that sometimes he has to be in the feminine, and he wasn't getting enough of it. The masculine, it works in every situation, but it's probably more challenging. I would think maybe in your situation, maybe you can seek it out now. Would you understand?

Do you think this helps you going forward? Are you in a relationship now? I'm in a relationship now, and again, she's much more feminine in appearance. I get mistaken for a guy all the time. I even get hit on by gay men. So I have that appearance, but once people get to know me, they're like, wow, you're so different. Like you're so feminine. You have I have a very soft energy, but I still have that appearance.

And so I'm used to taking on that more masculine role in a relationship. But I recognize now that I need both. I need to to have that feminine side fed too. And it took me a long time to be able to figure that out and admit it to myself and be okay with it. Yeah. Well, we all need it. That's why we all have to nurture our masculine and feminine to be good partners. Because as a woman, I still want my male partners to have their feminine tune so they can be there for me empathically and they could be there for me supportive.

We all need it in different ways. But then in the bedroom, so were you finding with these women that you were with that were femme but were they more masculine? In the bedroom, how do you present? Are you more dominant in the bedroom as well? Or is that where you want to be more in your feminine? No, I really can trade off. I really can because I'm so used to taking the masculine role.

But now I recognize after being with a couple of women that were so feminine yet had that masculine energy. I want that now. I really, I crave it. You want what you crave the feminine? I didn't know. Yeah, yeah crave it. You want what? You crave the feminine? I didn't know. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Right?

Good. Yeah, I've learned a lot just in the conversation that you guys have been going back and forth. I've learned a lot about myself just in the past few minutes. Oh, my God. No, Teddy, I'm so glad. Well, we're going to keep going with it and call us back if you want to, you know, continue the conversation. It is interesting. Thank you, Teddy're going to keep going with it. And call us back if you want to continue the conversation. It is interesting.

Thank you, Teddy, for calling. I appreciate that. I love when it resonates, you guys. Because I'm just trying to – there's so many different ways to think about attraction and sexual chemistry. And I think we're all so confused about it when we're single and we're dating and trying to find our partners. And there's some hacks. There's actually some hacks that save us time. Like Teddy just said, light bulb moment.

Oh, I crave both masculine and feminine. It's okay not to have to do it all. And we see this in a lot of all kinds of relationships where we, there's not a healthy balance of everyone doing their part in their masculine and their feminine. So some women, maybe they're only in their feminine and maybe their masculine partner's like, I need you sometimes to step up and like take charge of the family. You know, it just works in different ways in that, you know. No, it is because it's like once you start hearing all of this and then you start thinking

back on your past relationships, you also start thinking back upon like the relationships around you too, to see like, oh, like that never worked or like, and then now you can kind of tell like my best friend, Anthonyony he's gay and like his last relationship he was in because he's more he's more in his feminine so he needs someone more in his masculine but that person was not was not in their masculine so he was just like i don't know why it's not working right but now it's like if i too bad i didn't know this then exactly see now we know everything because too feminine you might think you like someone but if you're both in your feminine no one's gonna make a move sexually no one's gonna make a move to make the plans or be the visionary you know not that you if that especially sexually so like you gotta choose what are you into and sometimes you

just either you figure it out but if you know that you are feminine dominant in the bedroom like it just might not work for you with someone who can't step up and bring the masculine and that's okay god it'll save us a lot of time i'm just trying to like give you some sex hack chemistry dating hacks so you can actually save time and just have much better sex all the time just efficiency efficiency all right so maria 56 in canada would like to add to this conversation awesome hey. Hey, Maria. Thanks for calling. Hi, Emily. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. I love your show. I've been listening since you started on Sirius.

I want to give you my insight in what's happened in my life with the masculine feminine. Great. Yes. My first marriage, I was very naive and very young when I got married and married 17 years and found out my husband was gay. My first marriage, I was very naive and very young when I got married, and married 17 years and found out my husband was gay. And in that marriage, I was the one that made all the decisions, and before I found out that he was gay,

we were kind of like a brother-sister with two children, two parents. So I felt at the end there was no sexual anything right so now my second my second relationship I've been with him for about 15 years okay and he was very masculine everything about him attracted me to him. The sexual energy was so extreme and everything. It was great. It was everything opposite of my ex-husband. And then he lost his job or actually he did something to lose his job. So he was at home. And this happened about 2012. So it's been a few years. And as I'm listening to your show today, I realized that since about 2012, and also my menopause kicking in, our sex life has slowly diminished. And it's mostly me. And when you were talking about the masculine feminine energy, in 2012 when he lost his job, everything was on me once again.

Right. And I just felt, and we had this huge argument, it was about a year later, and I actually said the line to him, my life hasn't changed at all from my first marriage. And to him that's so insulting. Right. But you were right back where you were with your ex because he wasn't bringing them. Right.

So how is it now? When I'm listening to you, I actually realized that might be it. Yeah. I think that's absolutely. Yeah. Sorry. No, go, go, go, go. Yeah.

Tell me. No, I was just feeling like I wanted to be dominated in the bedroom. That's what it's all about for me. But I also want somebody to take charge of things, make decisions. Yes. Not all on me. Of course not. And it was once again all on me. And it's kind of stayed that way.

I've tried to bring it back, but it's still there. And I think it's me. But it's not. It's both of you. Let's just remember there's two people in every relationship. But it's just you and him not knowing how to talk about this. But now you get it. So he's still on the couch.

He doesn't have a job. He's still at home now. So all the things that you were attracted to, his leadership, his vision at the beginning has just been gone. And he's at home and not contributing. And you've had to step up because you have to take the mask. You have to be analytical. Use your left brain more. Be the visionary.

Be practical. Like, you know, right? But the flip side of the masculine energy, like the dark side of it, is the resentment. And it's a conflict. So it's like you're in it, but then now you're also so masculine that you resent the feminine when you're not getting that energy from it. Anyway, it's a whole thing. But this might be it.

And so it's more about a way, like, of course, because the sex is important. You still want to have that polarity. We have to create this polarity. And so how do you get him? You still want to stay with him. How do you get him? Because he wants it with him how do you get him because he wants it too he wants to be a man for you you know that's why i always say that why i always ask people when

they say my husband's sex drive it's gone my partner no longer wants sex i always say is he stressed about money right now is there something going on with his job because when men that's a very masculine thing to be the caretaker to to have a role, to feel of your purpose and your vision. Well, when you don't have that, it's really hard for men to feel sexually attractive, you know, to feel desire and for women to be attracted to them. So it becomes a whole thing. Yeah. So this sounds like you got to have, this sounds like a new way to reframe the conversation you've been having with your husband. Yeah, very true.

Yeah, good. I just really heard what was happening in my life and what you were saying about the switch of masculine and feminine. I just found it really interesting and compelled to phone. Good. I'm so glad. This is what we want. We want everyone to... I love when you're compelled to phone. If you haven't phoned before, thank you for sharing that. No, I'm into it too. I'm glad I brought that. I was just feeling it when I walked in. I'm like, I gotta get this out. Thanks for calling, Maria.

And I'm so glad this could be enlightening to you and this can kind of be inspirational to you as you're moving down the path of life. I just love that people are making realizations all over the place. I know, I was like, whoa, breakthrough. You had one. I literally did.

I'm just like, oh my God, because now I get it. I mean, it's, even being like here, like with you throughout this stuff there's just so much more that that like we haven't even tapped into oh my god i haven't tapped into no we are on a journey always people used to say to me when i started the show 14 years ago with sex okay i get it but aren't you ever gonna run out of things to talk about aren't you ever gonna get bored never once has happened so what i want to say there's one thing more thing i want to do more people calling in about this because i want to say

one more thing is that like we all struggle with getting into our masculine more our feminine or we have maybe or let's say you're hearing this you're going oh my god i gotta step it up in my masculine some some ways you can do that like like some ways that you can kind of awaken your masculine energy in order to polarize the feminine. So evolutionary studies do show that men really open up and reveal their true colors, their vulnerability when they are with other men. So having man time to express things to one another that only men will understand, not your partner, not the feminine partner. And that helps them engage in activities they're passionate about.

So spend your man time. It's important. You need that. Another way is to do sports. Like engage in sports, play sports. It allows you to practice aggression in a healthy way and raise your masculine and also like lifting weights like these have been studies that show that men who lift weights that you're challenging your body it also helps mental

strength it boosts testosterone and some studies show that men who uh i think it was they lifted weights for like four weeks and there was a 40 increase in the resting testosterone so these are just things if you need to like get back into your masculine. For women, yeah. Cool. Like just so you're like, oh, you've been feeling. For feminine, so the feminine's about your like this innate desire and drive towards like compassion and connection and caring, which is like when you're the fucking masculine

all day, it's hard. So move your body. I'm telling you, this has been the stuff that I have known and that I feel and I absolutely know at the end of the day we've got to move our bodies as women because the energy the feminine energy is trapped in our bodies and if we are not flowing moving being physical surrendering to movement dancing you know our emotions get stuck we get stuck and we don't move them so like like if it's walking, stretching, yoga, that is important for your sexuality. It just is. So if you need another reason to exercise, it's for that. And then like, and for me, like this is important. Create a sacred, a sacred space.

It could be a ritual. This is where like, it could be your daily masturbation routine, journaling, um, making self-care prior, taking that bath every night it's not just because you're tired and you deserve it's like you need it to replenish and the other thing is feeling your feelings so many of us who are living our masculine myself include to be black or goddamn feelings so when you learn to feel your feelings which can be a journey let the walls down that allows you to be more in your feminine all righty we. We have Karen, 58, in California, who wants to discuss masculine energy relating to her husband. All right. Hey, Karen.

Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. I wanted to tell you I enjoy your show so much. Thank you. I haven't been listening to it very long, but I have a long ride now. Perfect.

I've learned a lot listening to your show, but you know, you guys touched on something about masculinity for my husband. He's disabled now, and he's really depressed, and he feels like a half of a man. So I was wondering how I can make him, because I really don't care if he's disabled or not. This is my second marriage, and I love him to death, but I also want to be more intimate with him. But he just feels so not worthy, if that's the right thing to say. Yeah, he feels not worthy. And I don't know how to get him to feel that it's okay with me that I'm working and that he's staying home because he's disabled. I just want him to feel better about himself.

Well, I mean, here's the thing. We know self-confidence mostly is an inside job that he's going to have to do that work. So, you know, that's part of it but also like like what are some things like if he it's more about you bringing like not convincing him with words but showing him your attraction to him and how you're turned on by him and how he used to you find him sexy and bringing your feminine energy on strong with him so he can still step into his masculine. I've tried a lot of that, but it's more of a... And then he gets to the point where he's afraid he can't perform.

Because he's on a lot of medication as well. He was just recently disabled? Recently disabled? It's about a year now. Okay. So yeah, it's pretty recent. Okay okay and how was it before he was disabled how was your sexual chemistry and sex life and attraction really good it was very nice and and um i mean it's my second marriage and i feel like this is the first time i've been in love so um and i i believe he feels the same way too, but he just doesn't know how to like get over

that he can't do the things that he used to do. Right. And he feels, he basically told me he feels like a bitch at home. Yeah. Because he can't do the things he used to do. He needs community. He needs community or therapy or some other men in the same situation. He needs man time.

He needs to, he needs to do things that make him feel like himself again. Even though there's limitations, there's always ways to adapt, to find new ways for him to get that same feeling. So I'm sure there's still ways that he could work out and he can move in certain ways. There's ways he can hang out with his friends or there's support groups that he can hang out with other men. Like there's, you can't be the one who is continuing to push him and to, you know, be his cheerleader every day. You can't be the only one. So there's sort of like a

multifaceted approach here, you know? So, you know, he just did, he just asked asked me he wanted to go to therapy. Oh, good. That's a good start. Oh, I love that. I was going to say because he's just adapting his whole life. He's been one way. And now when he's your age in his late 50s and all of a sudden, that is a time for therapy. You don't know how to be in this new body of yours. And so he's got to go easy on himself.

It's so easy for us to beat ourselves up. But he can go now. I love he said this, get into therapy and learn new tools for accepting and living in his new place that he's at, the new reality. And we're always changing in life. You know, he's just got to get some tools for it. So thanks for the call, Karen. Let me know how it goes. Sounds like you guys are working through it in a healthy way, which I love.

I love healthy. Okay, so we have Vicky. It's 48 in California who says that she's an alpha who wants to attract an alpha. Oh, okay, Vicki. Tell me more. How are you guys? So good. Good. So I'm full time single mother. And I'm like full time single. So dual. I am the mother, father, you know, husband. I'm all of it. And I work full time. And I crave an alpha who's more alpha than me.

Right. I get it. I want to be the girl. But I was surprised to hear you say that men like crave a girly woman. And I'm very independent because I have to be but I want to be attractive so I'm trying to find the fine line. It's not girly it's just your energy it's you being in your feminine it's not girly because I'm the same I'm a fucking go-getter masculine got my business got my work that I pay for everything it's my job I've had a job since I was 12. I don't need a man like that.

But what I'm talking about is in your sexual, but you are attracted to men and then being like, let's say in the bedroom, right? Like dominant. You want them to be dominant. So that means that when you're in the presence of someone, you're attracted, letting down your guard, because then that moment you don't have to be like,

you know, bringing home the bacon and paying the bills and you're not in the boardroom. You have to learn to. It's a lesson. You sound like what Jamie was saying. And it's a practice for me, too. How do I release and feel comfortable just being into my feminine when I'm sitting there with a man? And that could just be me breathing into my pelvic floor.

I mean, I know this sounds silly, but it totally, like, has worked for me because I'm tense. I breathe into my pelvic floor. I mean, I know this sounds silly, but it totally has worked for me because I'm tense. I breathe into my pelvic floor. I'm sitting in the room, and even before I go out, I do some exercises of just connection. So I'm like, breathe into my cuddle. I move. I dance. And it's like presenting that part of yourself

that wants to be girly and taken care of. Who is she in you? How does your body? It's body stuff. It's your body language. It's sitting back, back being more relaxed you know what i'm saying like more moving through life in that way you could still be strong someone came behind you could kick their ass they want to steal your purse but you could still be the vulnerable um you know creative uh what's the other energy you know yeah just feminine uh of of because it's about the

the energy that we're like yeah the um the uh what was i gonna say the um the lightness it's more of a lightness and it's like it sounds so whatever but like you know it's like cheerful it's happy it's in your body but then the other side of feminine, also important, is like wild and naughty and sensual. But it's all like sexual energy. It's kind of like about unblocking your emotions, too. And that's why it's so important for women to move their bodies. Because the more we get in touch with it, we realize that like, because when I used to hear vulnerability, I'm like, no way I'm not going to be vulnerable with a guy. But then I realized like they create like, you know, I was like, oh, I don't need them to take care of me.

But still, when you learn to let down your walls that make it so masculine because you got to be a single mom, Vicky, and you got to take care of shit. The process of learning to take down your walls and be vulnerable is a journey. And that will help you track that masculine energy you need. I'm on that journey, too. All right. Thanks, Vicky. Thank you for calling. Yeah, you guys. We'm on that journey too. All right. Thanks, Vicky. Thank you for calling. Yeah, you guys.

We're all in this together. All right, everyone. Hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me.

Feedback at sexwithemily.com.