Sex With Emily - Become a Wordslut w/ Amanda Montell

Episode Date: May 27, 2022

On any given day, how do you talk about sex? Do you bone? Screw? Make love? According to my guest Amanda Montell, author of Wordslut, Cultish, and host of the podcast “Sounds Like a Cult,” the words we use to discuss sex reveals our attitudes about sex as a whole – even shaping the way we show up in the bedroom.   In this fascinating best of episode, Amanda and I talk about sex slang and body part euphemisms, like the fact that we frequently cute-ify female genitals to make them less threatening. But before you go, “oh this is thinky academic stuff,” know this: practically-speaking, your sex life WILL improve as your communication improves. Listen in, as Amanda and I play with language to get the sex we want. For More Amanda Montell:Wordslut: A Feminist Guide to Taking Back the English LanguageSounds Like a Cult Podcast | Cultish: The Language of FanaticismWebsite | Instagram | Twitter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you decide, okay, like, guys, it's just something I can't get rid of. Guys, it's my thing, it's cozy, I love it, it's useful to me, so be it. But maybe you'll decide that you don't want to save a J.J. anymore or you don't want to say bone, drill and screw anymore. You don't want to say penetration. You don't want to use the word slut or bitch as terms of abuse. The power is ours. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Question, on any given day, how do you talk about sex? Do you bone, screw, make love? Well, according to my guest, Amanda Montel, author of Word Slut, cultish, and the host of the podcast sounds

like a cult. The words we use to discuss sex reveals our attitudes about sex as a whole, even shaping the way we show up in the bedroom. In this fascinating best of episode, Amanda I talk about sex slang and body part euphemisms, like the fact that we frequently cue to five female genitals to make them less threatening. But before you go, oh, this is thinky academic stuff. Know this. Practically speaking, your sex life will improve as your communication improves. Listen in as a man and I play with language to get the sex we want. All right, intentions with Emily.

Join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do it. It just helps ground you in what you want to learn from the episode. Well my intention is to empower you to use and develop language that accurately reflects the kind of sex you want to have. In today's episode, you'll hear examples of a man and I experimenting and I hope that inspires you to play with words more too. Please rate review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

My article how to make an awesome dating at profile is up at sex with Emily dot com. Also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. One S B questions will leave me your questions or message me at sex with Emily dot com such as Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name your age age, where you live, and how you listen to the show, and totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous.

All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Amanda Maintel is a writer, linguist and author of two critically acclaimed non-fiction books. Word slut, a feminist guy to taking back the English language and check out her new book Cultish, The Language of Fanaticism. She's also the creator and co-host of the hit podcast Sounds Like A Cult, her forthcoming book The Age of Magical Overthinking, releases in 2024. Find more Amanda at AmandaMontel.com or on Instagram, Amanda underscore Montel. So I was reading your book and there was a few places where I was like, yes, what are we going to do about that? And I think we can start with one part of it is that I've always said, if you're listening, you as no, I want to re-brand sex all together.

And when I say that, it's usually like following a certain word or certain things we say. And even vagina, I think penis sounds so much like vagina, just sometimes it's a little bit aggressive. And there's just a few other things in around sex, even squirting, I might have guessed female, even ejaculation, female ejaculation, like we have to gender that. So welcome to the show for a stop from and off. Congratulations on your book, Word Slut. Love that title. A lot of it you do cover this language that we use. We don't even think about another place I've struggled

and I know there's a lot to talk about, it's saying guys, hey you guys, so now instead of saying that, it's just people's names, or I'll just say, hey, you know, and it's awkward, but you have some great ideas here to replace some of these words and just how we can start thinking about language and gender and sex a little bit differently. Yeah, the guy's thing is so interesting, and I'm asked about it a lot. Obviously, in the English language, we lack a second-person plural pronoun. And so ever since only the 1980s, guys has been one of the most popular ways that we've

filled that lexical gap. Really only the 1980s have people been using you guys as our second person plural. And obviously in parts of the country people use y'all or yins. But you guys and people's quote unquote gender neutral use of it really speaks to this concept of default mailness that I talk about a lot and that exists in our language as it exists in our culture and it certainly exists in the ways that we think about and talk about sex. But my background is in linguistics and I remember in my first sex gender and language class in college, one of the first little nuggets that blew my mind was thinking about how we frame sex in terms of language like penetration,

which really frames it from a penis's perspective. The opposite might be something like envelopment or enclosure. Like can you imagine if that were the framing that we use to describe sex, you know, even our sling terms that we use to describe the act, boning, drilling, screwing,

something else might be sheacing or if we're talking about the vulva as a whole, you could say like we clitsmashed or whatever it is. But what linguists have found is that looking back at our etymology of genitalia slang over hundreds and hundreds of years, and I always think it's so entertaining that there are linguists and lexicographers

whose entire job is to just study genitalia slang. It really becomes very clear that our worst values and attitudes about sex are reflected in the way we talk about genitalia. You know, like penises are always weapons and vulvas, which by the way, it's already subversive to use the word vulva, but the vaginas, you know, the most quote unquote important part of the vulva, if you have a penis that wants to go into one, these are always weapons and vaginas are always, you know, empty places, these vacant holes waiting for a penis and sex is always violence, you know, it says a lot about how we approach sexuality and it really serves no one. First of all, penetration is not the main event. The vagina is not equal to the penis.

The clitoris is more similar to make up to the penis than the vagina. So that's a problem. But I never even thought about how penetration, that's even the word for it. You know, I've research in my book, so words let obviously, or maybe not obviously, for those of you. Time and run.

It covers a wide spectrum of ideas having to do with language, gender, power, and culture from the history of our favorite gendered insults in the language and what they say about us to grammatical gender all the way to genitalia naming practices and curse words And so it's sort of this quick and dirty crash course. I want to go back to the terms around our body parts first So let's talk about I would so much rather be enveloped than like penetrative Yeah, I get choice and vellip me

Totally got so So beautiful. And it's really, it really turns the act on its head because what's true in every corner of culture is that languages use to reinforce power structures and social norms. And that's true in the bedroom too. And it's not just slang. In some cases, it's medical definitions.

I found researching the chapter on genitalia slang in my book that some medical definitions in medical dictionaries will define, quote unquote, you know, normatively female anatomy from a patriarchal perspective. I remember I found a definition of the jyna that said the organ that receives the penis. of the vagina that said the organ that receives the penis. Which is hardly an objective way to classify that body part. And so yeah, I see more clothes for penis business altogether, right?

We're taking back the English language here. I mean, if you ever thought about how gendered shapes you're thinking, it shapes the way we think about sex, the vaginas that don't want a penis, but they're so gonna be labeled that way, which is amazing. And then we the way we think about sex. The vaginas that don't want a penis, but they're so gonna be labeled that way, which is amazing, and then we don't even think about what about the gendered part of the slang that we use for the body parts.

Like, the penis is the penis, but then you've got like all the other things we use, and they're never complimentary. A lot of the slang are not caught. They're all flips on traditional like words that are, you know, female words. The ways that we symbolize these body parts in slang, penises will always be weapons.

You have, you know, rot of pleasure or sword or pocket rocket. And then to describe the vagina, you have things like box, garage, cave, meat wallet, axe wound, cum sponge. I mean, this is not language that I feel reflects my body on my terms. When we don't have language that represents our experiences, our bodies, from our point of view, it makes it difficult for the world at large to appreciate them. And, you know, labeling can be controversial and not everybody will agree. But what labeling can help do is legitimize experiences in the minds of speakers. And so something that I think is really fascinating and that transgender and gender

non-conforming communities have done for a really long time is to, you know, chuck some of these heteronormative genitalia words, medical and slang out the window and come up with their own terms. You know, be really inventive about it. And, you know, even if you don't go so far as calling your junk or whatever it is, a click or some other brand new term, you can at least, you know least appreciate the invitation to think about,

oh, yeah, maybe I don't like that everybody just calls my junk of a jyna. Maybe I really want to call it a vulva because that represents more of the anatomy. Or maybe I don't want to refer to the act as boning or drilling. Maybe I want to say something else. And the awareness and the invitation to do that can be really empowering because if we can reframe sex as something that isn't just penetration, it's over as soon as the guy comes, then that opens up new opportunities for sex to be whatever you want it to be because I think most of us can agree that virginity and sex are these patriarchal constructs. I want to start calling it the sexual debut,

rather than like, yeah, virginity, we're going to lose it. What happens is your debut? It's the first time you are sexual being however you want to define that as well. However you want to define it. Yeah, and I think that can be really empowering. And there are several words that have always my whole life,

even when I was a kid rubbed me the wrong way, that I can now on a linguistic level appreciate why that word always struck me as a comedy. Not, I guess, not comfortable. Vajayjay is certainly one of them. I know we were talking a little bit about this. Oh god, I can't even have a Vajayjay. You know, who taught you? Why? Vajayjay.

I thought I was an Oprah. Okay, so to my understanding, Vajayjay came into popularity thanks to TV icon Shonda Rhymes, creator of the show, Grey's Anatomy. And there was an incident several years ago where broadcast standards had a problem with how many times the word vagina was included in an episode. Peanus was included in this episode something like 17 times, but when they tried to get the word vagina in there, and again, this is a scientific term, in there 11 times broadcast standards through a fit. And that says a lot about our demonization

of female sexuality and our fear of it, et cetera. The Shonda Rhymes overheard on set, someone used an alternative word, the J.J. And this all the sudden painted the vagina as something very friendly and cute, see? The J.J. kind of sounds like baby babbling, like, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good it was a woman, she was like, here's kind of a female invented word that feels like it belongs to women. So I'm gonna start using this and, you know, it caught on real fast. Oprah started using it, moms across middle America started using it.

People really latched onto the J.J. But my contempt of the word with J.J. is quite similar to my contempt of words like girlboss. Because even though they're created by women, I think that they're still patriarchy underlying them. Yes. I'm not a girl. I'm a grown adult woman.

There's something diminutive about girl. And when you say words like girlboss, it's kind of highlighting the fact that even though the word boss is not grammatically masculine, it is tacitly coded male and a woman has to queue to suffice her title in order to hold a position of professional power. And that's kind of what I see for VJJ. You know, we have to queue to suffice this term to make the vagina seem friendly for the

average American household. But I think that that at the end of the day can do more harm than good. So having this appreciation for why VijayJ always struck me is so awkward, but really allowed, really, gave myself permission to say, I don't wanna use that. I wanna use vulva. Another term, an acronym that I heard someone use a few years ago, maybe you've heard of it,

the vaginal, vulval, clitoral complex or the vaginal, clitoral, vulvo complex. Yes, I have. Yeah, and I thought that was cool too, because it's like, yeah, it's complex. That's a beauty. Like, we don't need to downcastle though. Like, the vaginal, clitoral compound castle

sounds better than complex, because that's very industrial, but if we're gonna go with the feminine, I'd like to think of a castle. You know, we're talking about reclaiming language, which is actually reclaim our own sexuality and what we want. You put so many interesting things into perspective,

a different spin on like what is wrong and how the different angles we have to solve this challenge that we have around sexuality and people feeling comfortable around sex, even when they are the technical terms to not be able to save a vagina. I used to not be able to say when I was at a terrestrial radio, I couldn't say masturbation because of FCC laws. You could only say it three times in the hour so that I was like, so when you're bopping

the baloney, you know, when you are, you know, what was it? Flick in the bean. It's just, I just think that again, it speaks to the shame and the embarrassment and the really the trauma that we have around sex. Absolutely. And you saying that really reminds me of this euphemization of sex and bodies that we participate in in our sort of, you know, Protestant, Puritanical, American culture. And I think there's something really subversive about not engaging with some of those euphemisms if we don't want to. If they've always struck us as a little strange, a little awkward, not comfortable, like they don't represent us. And even just that permission to use the words that feel right to you

can be really empowering. And I also want to say, you know, in a culture, I'll say, that was perfectly gender equal, where there weren't things like sexual trauma or there weren't imbalanced gender scales and sex scales. Then we could probably use whatever language we wanted knowing that no offense or damage would be caused because that underlying respect and equality and consent is already there. And I certainly think we can all agree that we are not quite there yet. And so language can be a really powerful tool to either reinforce and perpetuate problematic sex standards or to flip them over on their head. And what I also think is that, you know, you can create your own microcosm of that really gender and sex equal world in your own bedroom.

Like, let's say your partners are people who really do respect you. And you feel like you can really get in it with them knowing that the consent and the respect and the equality is there. And I certainly wish an experience like that for everyone or a relationship like that for everyone in a situation like that. You can use whatever language you want knowing that it will be fine. Like, I feel like I have that dynamic in my personal life. My partner and me, like, we have our personal preferences when it comes to language, of course.

But we know that because the respect and equality is already there, there is no term that's going to damage us. And I think that is what we can really shoot for. You know, in a future where women and men and everybody in between are having the consensual, you know, good sex experiences that we all want and deserve, you could call someone a slut, willy-nilly, and it wouldn't have that same detrimental power loaded effect. Are you gonna do merch? I do have merch. How can they find it? I want a word slot t-shirt.

Tell me where they can find all this stuff. I mean, it's kind of a Mickey Mouse operation that I run myself. I do have some really fun, really cozy soft tie-dye t-shirts that you can find on my Instagram. And they say things like word slot, smash the standard, own your voice, words can change the world, it's fun. Like I said, I have some consciousness around my,

like not saying guys, and I have definitely always say vulva, but the problem is I always have to explain it. What's the goal? Absolutely. I absolutely have a mission. Yeah, my mission is to empower folks to own their own voices. You know, I don't want to police anyone's language, and I don't want anyone to police my language. You know, I don't want to police anyone's language and I don't want anyone to police my language.

You know, I named my book Word slut and there are plenty of feminists who think that that might have been a mistake. Who think that a word like slut is something that deserves to be abolished rather than reclaimed. And those are two directions that slurs tend to go in. Either they go away forever or they become reclaimed

either by just an in-group or by everybody. A word like spister or old maid seems out of date because so does the idea of criticizing a woman for being over the age of 35 and unmarried. You know, that's not that big a deal anymore. And so words like spister and old maid, which used to be quite offensive, fell out of favor.

But a word like queer is a pretty victorious example of a gender-sash-sex slur that became reclaimed not only by the in-community but by everybody. And when it comes to slurs, you know, this is the optimist in me, but I really think that if we can reorient ourselves to start using words in only positive context. You know, only using bitch to say me and my bitches. Only saying slut as a positive term. You know, ooh, I love your slutty outfit. I hope you have a slutty night or I love words more than anyone I know.

I'm a word slut. Then over time, the next generation will come of age only hearing the word in those positive contexts. And that's how reclamation will happen. And it's not an easy process, it's not a streamlined or linear process. And people are going to disagree along the way. There are still people who find that queer is offensive. It was once selectively a homophobic slur.

Now it's largely then reappropriated by academia and the LGBTQ community to mean something neutral or even positive. But that's my opinion about slut. And that's what I want to do with it as someone who has the awareness of this language and chooses consciously how I want to use it moving forward. And that's really my crusade.

I want to communicate that if you're already on board with gender equality, if you're already on board with equality of the sexes, then you can maybe read word slutter, make yourself aware of some of the ways that our patriarchal standards or imbalanced standards are reflected and reinforced in our language. So then you can decide how you want to use it moving forward. You know, if you decide, okay, like, guys, it's just something I can't get rid of. Guys is my thing. It's cozy.

I love it. It's useful to me. so be it. But maybe you'll decide that you don't want to save a J.J. anymore or you don't want to say bone drill and screw anymore, you don't want to say penetration, you don't want to use the word slut or bitch as terms of abuse. It's really the power is ours and that's the beautiful thing about language and what linguists have always found is that, you know, women and gender nonconforming folks have always used language as a form of social power and a culture that doesn't give us

as many ways to assert our power. And that's what I love about it. Well, you're doing great work. Now, what about slang? Like, is there any slang that you're just like, I wish we could just stop saying, you know, bitches or, you know, I mean, a lot of them are derivative of terms for women, right?

I mean, yeah, you know, pussy. Using gendered terms of abuse against people is really uninteresting to me. Like, if I want to insult someone's behavior and often I do, I prefer to be a little bit more accurate and specific and scathing about it. You know, if a woman does something that you don't like, it's a total cop out and wildly uninteresting

to call her a bitch. If she does something conniving or something backstabbing, why wouldn't you call her a manipulative conniving, backstabbing, turn coat, sack of shit? You know, be more specific. Be more specific in your words, be specific in your compliments and in your criticism. And in your criticism, you know, be specific.

Have fun with it. That's the beauty of languages that it's fun. So, your criticism, be specific, have fun with it. That's the beauty of languages that it's fun. So when slang comes up that new slurs are always coming up and it's really reflective of our larger cultural values. So a slightly newer gendered slur that I've seen a lot on the internet is the word simp. Are you familiar with this one?

Simp, S, no. Yeah, Tubby. Simp is is the word simp. Are you familiar with this one? Simp, no. Yeah, Tavi. Simp is like the new wimp. Like, Simp is a slang term that I've come to understand as a man who is like too sycophantic towards women. He sucks up to women and he's pathetic because of this. And so Simp is used in a sort of slur-type context, like, oh, you're such a Simp.

And I think the popularization of this slur really reflects that our culture still condemns men who are too complimentary of women. Yeah. And so I resist terms like that, but when it comes to slaying and language in general, evolving and changing, I tend to adopt

the perspective of a linguist and instead of being sort of like judgemental about it or saying, like, oh, these kids in their language, what do they know? I try to remain open-minded and curious and flexible because language is always changing along with culture. Language changes precisely alongside social change. And so I can either be a currogen and a pettings or I can jump aboard and use the slang terms too.

And so that's the perspective I try to say. Okay, now I like your perspective, you know, and also I think like what about if you have, you know, a few of kids, I was thinking about, you know, part of your book, what you're talking about, also how we use certain words for little boys and little girls. And you had a great example in there about you talking to your cat, but I would say that

my, I had this issue and I didn't realize this until I was in therapy, like in my 20s, where my dad was always saying to my brother, like, you know, you're smart, you're handsome, you're clever. And I was like his pretty daughter. And he always thought I was so pretty, my, you're so pretty pinching my cheeks. And I think he thought I was smart as well, right? But I never, you know, he died when I was young. So I never knew that. So in my head, you know, as a kid, I was like, Oh, I'm just pretty. I'm pretty. I'm not, I'm not as smart. And I

realized that when reading your book, too, it's like thinking about how that really was. I'd forgotten about it. Cause now I know I'm smart and pretty. I thought, Oh, what does it all mean? And that how even with when you're raising your children, that it's the language that you use as well, we don't even notice we're doing it sometimes. I really like you look really pretty. I'll be talking to the bunzuma, I'm like, you're so pretty and you're really smart. You're really smart, you know, because I'm trying to like balance it. I know.

It really is so deeply embedded the words that are tacitly coded male or female. And we can we can even see this in context. You know, little kids' t-shirts. Like, you'll see t-shirts for little boys that'll say like, fighter, heartbreaker, or stud, and you'll see t-shirts for girls that say princess and girlboss, you know? And I think that really does have a subtle

and not so subtle effect on how we grow up in this culture and that we frame gender roles and stereotypes manifests in these really profound ways in our language. And so just the awareness can invite us to push back against that if we want to. I'm curious, this is just something else since we were covering a lot here. In the 80s, it didn't start to the 80s. What were we doing before that? Because I'm just trying to replace guys.

Y'all feels like I got a place to me sort of, because I'm not from the South. And I feel like I don't know how to say y'all right now at this point in my life. But what was it, guys and gals? Before that. So guys was used really just for men before around the 80s.

And when it cropped up as this new generic masculine term, linguists were quite surprised because after all the work of that second wave feminists had done to make our language more equal, here was this new masculine generic appearing out of nowhere. So they were quite surprised by it. Back in the day, yeah, guys and gals, you folks, you know, folks can sound a little bit. Folks making a comeback, I kind of like folks. Totally, it's making a comeback. What I also often remind people of is that, you know, folks can sound a little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit.

A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit.

A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit.

A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. second-person plural pronoun. And it was you, you're in yours. Like we have now to refer to just one person. These, Ow and Zine were the singular versions. So the singular version fell out of favor. You, you're in yours, extended to mean a singular as well as a plural. And I don't know exactly that happened, but grammar is always, always evolving.

Oh, it's changing. Yeah, but now we have this problem where we say you guys, which is just one of so many default masculine language forms that we have in English. So I tend to say y'all, even though I'm not from the South, I just think it's. I'm going to work on it. You give me a lot to think about. Thank you so much, Amanda, my tell for being here. So appreciate you in your book, Word Slot.

It really opens your eyes. If you have interest in you go yourself a feminist, you like to practice you know equality and your focus on gender and sex. This book is for you and you can get a t-shirt, you can buy the book. Amanda Montel on Instagram her book is word slot. Thank you for being here. I appreciate you. Thank you so much. I want to ask you the five questions. We asked all of our guests, ready? I'm ready. What is your biggest turn on? Oh, my biggest turn on. Quicky questions.

These are our quicky questions. So you can just say one. When people have a youthful twinkle in their eye, like a naughty twinkle in their eye. Biggest turn off. Pretentiousness. What makes good sex? Respect.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Break up with your boyfriend. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? It's supposed to be weird. I love it. Thank you Amanda for being here. Don't go anywhere. We come back. I'll be answering your questions. Let's talk to Matthew 26 in Missouri. Hey, Matthew.

What's going on? How can I help you? I'm just getting back into the dating game, not looking for anything besides sex. And okay, I enjoy going down on one. It's something that I love to do. How do you know it's safe to do so? Without being like, hey, do you have an SDD?

Yeah, no, it's a great question. I mean, it's tricky because you gotta ask, what I would love is to see a world where we are just like, hey, I think you're super hot. Like even from the first time you know there's chemistry and just saying, oh, like I've been tested, I have a clean bell health, how about you? And just asking straight up.

And people I feel like are being more honest these days and they're saying, yeah, you know, I've had herpes, but I take a daily suppressant or I have outbreaks a few times a year and I do something about it. And you can also see if there's not break obviously, but people could also have an SDD and not know. So there's always risk, right? But if you want to be 100% sure, you got to have the talk. You got to have the safe sex talk, which you could make it hot. What a hackful way to do that.

I think a tackful way is, you know, well, you tell me, like, how fast are you moving with these women? Like, you said you're just looking for sex, right? Do they know that you're just looking for sex and not a relationship? Or are you just kind of hook it up? Awesome for you, either way, awesome that you know. But it can be trickier if it's just like, we're getting drunk and then we hook up

and about to go down in our and then I'm like, oh, have you been tested? I don't know the bad, I mean, what's your scenario like, Matthew, when you meet someone like, what, how soon do you know before you're going down in them, typically? So honestly, I haven't done anything yet.

Okay. Going to me, the young lady at the end of the week, yeah, we've already discussed, you know, this actually already discussed, you know, there's nothing more than that, you know, I like to be upfront. You know, so there's no question actually. I don't know if you remember this actually called you a couple of weeks ago, I think. Tell about what and discuss that very thing. How to tell someone that you're just looking for sex. Oh, right. Right. Right, right. How's it going? Clearly good. You have a date.

Yeah. Well, awesome. Matthew, people appreciate honesty, right? The fact that you're being honest with women, saying, right now, I'm not looking for anything serious. Believe me, there's a lot of women who are in your plate. You'll just find them easy, faster, right? Rather than everyone's a potential wife, you're like,

OK, I'm looking for people who aren't looking for a serious thing right now. But the good news is, but just being in the market for sex right now, it makes more sense to be like, and have you been tested? I'm curious about your STD status. What are you used for protection? I've got to loop it in to that. Just loop it in. See, I've got two things I wanted to discuss that are important.

I've found trying to, you know, act with integrity when I'm dating right now. That's the most important thing to me, you could say, because I really want to be in healthy relationships and I think great sex is, you know, important. And I'm really just looking for, you know, sex or however you want to say it. I'm looking for a physical relationship more than an emotional relationship, but also it's really important to me that we practice safe sex. So we have to always use condoms, which I think you have to do. We would have someone on the pill, but I think you know that.

And then you could say, ask them, say, you know, have you been tested? And then stop talking. Because the more people who just said this straight up, be so goddamn healthy, such a healthier place. We would just be like, okay, of course we're having that conversation, right? Just like the define the relationship. So thank you for your question. I'm going to answer an email.

This is from Karen, 30 in Illinois, and she says, I'm curious in your research, how common is it for women to enjoy giving blow jobs? My partner loves them and wants more of them, but I can't seem to figure out the appeal and pleasure of giving them. Do you have any suggestions? I've tried flavored lobes and sprays and use hands. I don't find giving a blowjob to be intimate. It feels more like a chore or service. I have to give to give them happy. I've learned so much for your podcast.

Thank you. I'd love if you could do a future episode talking about the emotional intimacy side of sex. It's something I also struggle with understanding. I always raise hyper conservative. I'm still trying to refine my sexuality and confidence in the bedroom side. All right, this is more complex than you think to answer this question because I love that she's got into emotional intimacy because that's how you, I believe, learn to love giving pleasure to your partner.

And people say, that's why I called a job. I personally have been in periods where I was like, it's a job. And then I've learned about emotionally intimate sex, which is also something you have to learn. For Karen here, it's like, this is a more complex answer, but if you're feeling that sex is something like she said she grew up in a conservative home where sex wasn't openly discussed, maybe it was discouraged. So here's what happens. say, wait till you're married or it's wrong unless you're married or it's wrong all the time or it's only for procreation and then you don't get any information. But then you go off into the world and you start having sex.

So in your mind, you're thinking, this is wrong, I'm naughty, I'm a bad girl, I'm violated, not in like the sexy like you're a bad girl, but like I am bad. And so your relationship with sex from the jump is starting out as something that's very conflicted, right? Like you're on the one hand, you're thinking, oh, I've heard that sex is amazing and it's supposed to be this great thing, but your brain is telling you something else, your mind, your repetitive thoughts. So emotional and to me in sex is really about being with, I think it, at first it starts

with being comfortable with yourself and your own body and what feels good to you and kind of healing your Relationship with sex we all have one for Karen It sounds like she grew up realizing that hearing it wasn't great So that's kind of like the first step is saying oh what I heard growing up is no longer a Messages can speak to me anymore. I get to choose my own beliefs around sex. And then you start really kind of changing that. And but then also with a partner, she just feels like she's just giving it and not receiving it.

Like that's a very empty feeling. Like now is my turn to give you a blowjob. But the most connected ways I think is when you were with somebody and you realize like, I really love this person or I want to give them pleasure. Like you could think of it as like this penis is an extension of somebody that I am into

and I love them and I want to, in a sense, like worship this part of them. I want to be like, I can do something that can make my partner feel really great right now and you realize that it's just sort of, we get filled up by giving. Like giving is receiving. So I think of sex in that way.

Like if you give someone something with enthusiasm and love even if you don't love them, let's say it's just a hook up, but still your intention is that I'm into this because I'm here and I'm doing it. That typically comes back to you. When you go into something with the energy of like, I'm going to be into this job right now. I'm going to be into it. I'm going to lick this.

It's the most delicious ice cream cone I've ever had. When you go into that mindset, like it's just, I'm going to see what this penis is going to sound silly. But like I'm going to see what I can get out of this or I can give to this person. It sort of comes back to you. Now another thing, another awesome tip because that's a process. But it is true that when you give your receive and when you look at it differently, it'll feel differently. But we had a great guest on our show, Shani was on the podcast. She talks about using a vibrator on herself while she's going down in her husband. And she's like, it's a sure thing, Because I'm getting turned on.

I am aroused, got the magic wand, the sure vibrator, the sure thing, we love the magic wand. And then I'm giving pleasure to him and I'm aroused. So yes, I mean, I'm telling you, and we're all turned on, that is the best thing we can do. And that's why it really helps to please each other, right? That's why I would say like, she comes first,

like go down in your partner, then you're already roused. Maybe you go down on them, but that's why I also love toys because toys are an excellent way to make sure that we only have so many hands and mouths and fingers and things to do. So I love that she's just riding her magic wand. That's a way to get you going.

Like if I could carry her on the magic wand all day, I would be into any task I'm doing. I mean, there's something to be said for just blindly going into a blowjob and you're not even rousing turned on. That's really hard, too. I'm not saying you can peel back their pants and be like, I am worshipping this penis and it's everything. So you also want to make sure that you're roused and turned on. Since I didn't talk to Karen, but she sent the email, there is a lot to just kind of showing up and being performative. You know, I don't know if Karen's having orgasms or having pleasure or knows how to ask

for her needs being met, but that is part of the sexual journey. And remember this about your sex life. It is not a destination. It is not a skill set that you get somewhere, you're done learning about sex. That doesn't happen. I suppose if you are an athlete,

right, you're never done being a great athlete. You're not like, I'm at the top of my game and I will never get better. Or if you're a cook, a chef, you're like, I'm going to keep learning new recipes. If you think of your sexist life as something that is more of a journey and you don't just get somewhere where you're like, I've learned how to give a great blowjob. Check. I've learned how to have this kind of orgasm check. Next, I've learned that in all these years, and I wanted you to impart this to you that it's never an endpoint. And whether you are with yourself,

loving yourself, or you're with a partner, that should be really good news. Like that should make you feel like a relief right now. Because the other thing about your sex life is it's always changing. Body's changed, what you want in your 20s, you don't want in your 30s, you might want something different. And if you look at that in your relationship right now,

you can just say to your partner, you know, I realize that I love our sex, it's amazing. But we should try some new things just because, you know, that's part of sex, like that is part of your responsibility of being a sexual human, I believe, is to constantly be, you know, to be constantly, could be like, it's in your mind, you're prioritizing learning to be a better lover

to yourself and others. I mean, I just think that that's why sex gets old. I mean, having sex the same way your entire life is like eating chicken every single night for dinner, having the same meal every single night. It's always the same. Let's talk to Steve in New York. Hi Steve, thanks for calling. Hi, Dr. Henry Howell. I'm great. What's going on? Well, basically at this point I'm between relationships, I like to say, and obviously the reason why it's because it wasn't at the same

way at the end, as it wasn't the beginning I have a relationship I believe starts off well Otherwise you wouldn't be in it especially for the last bit of long time Yeah, at some point it spirals down, but I think that's natural even all night You're the doctor, but most psychologists, but I live in the same planet you do So I could figure life out my theory on relationships is this and you could tell me if I'm right or wrong But any two people under the same rule same sex sex, opposite sex, two brothers, two sisters, boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, any combination. Eventually you get in each other's way and then the argument starts, so to speak.

Now what you try to do is overcome that like you're saying, work on it, you need a little cooperation on the other side. Yes, someone who can talk. But you need somebody to do that. Now I'm wondering, how do you either talk. But you need somebody to do that. Now I'm wondering, how do you either get them to come aboard or how do you try to avoid, you know, the arguments as a relationship goes? Because that's not really what I want in a relationship,

but seems to always morph into that. And that just for me, for a lot of people, all my friends that are still married are saying, you're lucky and have married. I'm thinking about myself, okay, so there's none of you talking to me either. No. Okay, so Steve Don, I'm with you. So it's such a good question because you're right.

This is what I was saying to my team right before the show. I was like, you guys, every relationship is hard. You have to understand once the honeymoon phase is over and it will end, we have to be good communicators and we have to, I think I was saying to them on the call, I was like, yeah, we all have stuff. We all have our issues. Maybe we're narcissists or love bombers or codependent or alcoholics or like we all have stuff.

Every one of us. So then you gotta find a partner who's stuff you can work with, like how are we going to communicate together with what we're both bringing to the table? So to answer your question, knowing, like we should go into relationships, knowing there's gonna be conflict. And how do you tell early on, you're like,

how do you communicate? I'm interviewing people, I'm like, for my company, I'll say, how do you do with conflict? And they're like, you know, and they're like, oh, I, people please, or I don't like, or they're like, oh, I have just dress it head on, right? So I think you could sort of vet somebody,

because of course there's no problems when you're falling in love, that's why you're falling in love and then it's too late like to keep that going but sometimes it doesn't be going point in my life and not with anybody at this point it's because the marriage failed the any of the relationship to be a long issue that they failed but i will look back and i say every time was the same thing it was utopia it was a heaven at the beginning and then Practically spiraled down to hell at the end. Huh. I'm trying to avoid the hell, you know

Steve you can't avoid the hell though. Here's the thing you can avoid hell But to get attached to utopia Doesn't exist and in fact you get sick of utopia if it did. I promise you, you'd find a way to make it less than. That's just the cycle of life, right? Things are good, then they're bad. They're good, you're bad. You go up and down, up and down, but you just hope that the downs are not these deep, dark,

dark pits of despair where you just can't get back up again. So I think, first off, I would say this is your expectations or when it gets really bad, it just keeps escalating going down, but you never bring it back again. And so if you've always had this experience, guess what the common denominator is. You. So I would say this has more to do with you than there not being anyone out there that's going to be right for you.

I would say like, what have you learned from your past relationships about yourself? How old are you, Steve? 65. 65. Got it. So what have you learned about yourself. How old are you Steve? 65. So what have you learned about yourself at 65? Well, I think you talk about what I learned about me. Well, I think how about Steve? What was your part in the demise of these disastrous relationships over the last 40 years? Well, again, you know, you're not going to like the way I'm putting this only because I think if I were a woman and a guy treated me the way I treated them, I'd be

grateful and I'd say, hey, I got a hell of a guy. Thank you. That's how I honestly feel because I think I'm too wide because I think everything that I do, I try to put my mate first and make a happy and do nice things for her. And I'm saying to myself, I'm scratching my head saying, what is she mad at now? You know? I try to put my make first and make a happy and do nice things for her.

And I'm saying to myself, then I scratch my head saying, what is she mad at now? And that's the part that doesn't make too much sense to me. So you're okay. So you're just giving and giving and giving and you're being this great guy. And they're just getting mad at you. You're just good. You're perfect. So I think that's part of it. I understand. I understand perfect, but I'm saying is something wrong. You don't even

realize you're doing something wrong, but you know, sometimes people get upset over the most trivial of matters. And okay, let me know it. But instead, I think at Hobbes and Festus, and then eventually at the end, it blows up. Do you ever think those people maybe some of them mean or nasty? Can anybody that they want to say? Let me tell you what it is, Steve. Can I be honest with you? Is that what it sounds to me is that you know, you're 65 years old and I'm asking you for like,

what is the work that you've done to understand who you are in a relationship? Like even saying maybe sometimes I don't listen as well or maybe sometimes I get really when someone asks me for something I get really passive aggressive. If someone tries to confront me and something I shut them down because I do so much, I do so much, I do so much. How could she ever tell me to put my dish in the sink because I just paid for the house and did all the things? You know what I mean? There's gotta be something. Yeah, well, I'm not gonna lie, I do, that probably is, but you know, in other words, let's assume I'm just picking an arbitrary thing. Let's assume I go into the

store and I rob it. I know I did something wrong. Okay, so you know, I didn't have to say change. You didn't do anything wrong. I know I did wrong. If I'm being nice to you in a relationship and I'm trying to do everything that and then all of a sudden seems to morph when you're upset. I'm spatula my head going what he upset about because I really really didn't do anything blatantly wrong what potentially wrong. But Steve what I'm saying is I could imagine that in all your years there had to have been signs right? It's not like one day it just blew up and ended but I think that's how your lens of things is that I am so doing everything great. And then all of a sudden, they're not happy with me.

So I feel like learning how to move through conflict is how you sustain a healthy relationship. It's not that it always stays utopian. It's something really hard happened, and it sucked, and then we moved through it. Our intimacy was stronger, and it made our relationship stronger because we were able to communicate and listen to each other. And it sounds to me like that's not an experience of yours.

So to me, that just doesn't make sense to me. Like I'm telling you, this is my job. Study relationships, talk to relationships, help people in relationships. I would say for you would have to be learning how to deal with conflict. And I'm sure if you go back in time, there's probably things that they all had to feedback for you on this. They probably wanted to talk about things.

Maybe they didn't feel seen by you or heard by you or you weren't with your way to highway because you were paying the bills or you were such a perfect guy but nobody's perfect. And sometimes we give so much. People who love bomb, people who give, give, give, and then they expect everyone's dependent on them and without realizing if you do anything else, like I give and give and give and no one respects,

so it's kind of like a victim. I don't know Steve, I don't want to say, well I mean, it's not fair because, you know, I don't know, you, we just met. But how do you deal with conflicts with anybody in your life? You know, do you cut them? Well, a lot of times I would just try to comment down.

I hate the controversy, but I mean, I'm not saying it's complicated. Well, I have to get mad and fly back. Yeah, I mean, enough is enough, there's enough type of deal of a word. Yeah, so anger. So you diffuse, you diffuse, you diffuse. You don't want anyone to get mad at you. You don't want anyone to be upset with you. So you just say, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

And then finally, you lose it. Because you're like, I don't want to deal. I don't want to deal. I don't want anyone to be upset with you. So you just say, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, and then finally, you lose it. Because you're like, I don't wanna deal, I don't wanna deal, I don't wanna conflict, I don't wanna conflict, I don't wanna conflict, I don't gonna be blow up. So what happens is the first time someone comes to you and has a problem, you listen, you say, tell me more about that.

It's a practice, it's never too late to learn, but it sounds to me like this is the work that you need to do right now and you'll never be in a healthy relationship until you learn and I would say therapy would be amazing. And I'm always skeptical people are like, oh, my relationship is perfect. We never fight. We get along so well.

I'm like, that's not a good thing. Because if you don't know how to have healthy conflict, it's not going to last. So. Alright, they're pointy. Alright. Thanks, Steve. Thanks. Alright. Appreciate it. Alright, thanks Steve. Thanks for calling. Appreciate you.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles

for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. at sexwithemleague.com.