Sex With Emily - (Be)Come More with Bethany C. Meyers

Episode Date: April 27, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by fitness instructor & creator of the be.come project Bethany C. Meyers to talk about ways to get into your body, feel good in it & connect to your sexuality. They discuss body neutrality – why you should always respect your body – even if you’re having an off day, and making modifications to your outlook & your exercise to actually enjoy doing it. Plus, Emily answers emails on how to better rock the riding position, and thoughts on playing around with gloryholes. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Boston Scientific, Uberlube, Adam & Eve, SiriusXM, Womanizer Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For more info on Bethany & the be.come project, click HERE. For even more sex talk, tips & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show I'm joined by fitness instructor and creator of the Become Project Bethany C. Myers to talk about ways to get into your body, feel good in it, and connect to your sexuality. Topics include body neutrality while you should always respect your body even if you're having an off day and you know we've all had those. Work out reframing, making modifications to your outlook and your exercise to actually enjoy doing it, huh? What a concept. Slip-edge, how to better rock the writing position, and glory holes, thoughts on playing a little dangerously. All this and more, thanks for listening. To his eyes, they're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions,

bit-roof eyes, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got every stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only?

What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com, our robust site. So much information to help you have better sex and relationships. Catch me Monday through Friday weekdays on Series XM, 5-7 Pamp Pacific on Stars Channel 109. Oh, it's a blast. You guys get a free subscription at sexwiththemely.com slash SXM and you can even call in during those times, even if you don't have the subscription trivelate 9478277 and always find us on all social media at sex with Emily. Just a little teaser, masturbation month is right on the corner. It is May. We'll be doing giveaways. You're going to want to be there on all the social and all the places and continue to listen to the podcast. All right, I hope you enjoyed this interview with Bethany. I'm really excited to welcome my guest right now.

interview with Bethany. I'm really excited to welcome my guest right now. I have Bethany Seymires. Hello. Hello Bethany. Hi Emily. It's so glad Bethany's here. We're having a great chat. Bethany's a New York City-based master instructor. Known for body positive and inclusive approach to instruction. You know a lot about body knowledge, alignment. I was watching all your tutorials. It's not about just losing weight and feeling skinny. And you also have your project, they can find the become project. So the become project is where they can find the app.

Tell me about it. Tell me how you started it. Totally. And all your journey. Yeah, the become project. So basically, I was an instructor for years and years, and years, sounded like I'm really old, 10 years, though, I was teaching in boutique fitness,

and decided that I wanted to take my workouts online to be able to reach more people. And then I think the bigger thing that happened in the become project is that I realized how, how kind of toxic the fitness world can be in the way that we think about our bodies. So I think that they really try to sell us on the workout by saying your body is not good as it currently is. And so I wanted to create a place where people could work out for the reason that's not necessarily just about weight loss. Even if your goal is weight loss. Exactly. I think the motive

is to go in and say, I want to move, to feel good, I want to move for my mental health, I want to have some me time, I want to move my body. It's really is switching. So this is where I love it. I've got your TED talk, which I thought was great. It was so powerful and so moving.

And your journey about being in the industry and being someone who had a needing disorder and being in the industry and then realizing like it's all about this external need to like To lose weight and then realize Then you had your whole journey to realizing is about you know loving your body And I actually want to know what your process was for healing because that was like four years ago You said and you realize it like what I love that you said that so motivating is that we we know that it's right for us to work out But it's so hard to motivate because we use this negative we beat ourselves out

We guilt ourselves in it. We feel shame if we don't I got to work out I got to lose weight. I got to look better. We hate our bodies. We look in the mirror We hate everything and I'm always telling people look in the mirror like look at what you love about yourself It's so hard to do and there's so much pressure for women and for Matt We all have it and so it's like I love that that your project, the Become Project, which is so cool. It's a great, I love just the whole process. So congratulations, it's not easy putting that chip together. Thank you.

That has been grassroots as fuck. I mean, it's been really, yeah, it's been a process getting here, but amazing at the same time. Right, of course, the journey. But still, like now that it's more like, because okay, so I was thinking about Jamie, because I'm always been a workout person, and I've gone through phases, like maybe it was about losing weight,

but it's been a long time for me, it's my head. I realize it helped, you know, I've gone through, yeah, phases where I was up and down, but I pretty much always been the same weight, weight was never my thing. I've got a lot of, I'm, what, people was like, oh, you're lucky, I've got so many other issues. I'm not so lucky, like, oh, you're skinny.

I'm like, do you how much time do you have? Do you know what goes on in my goddamn brain every day? I barely made it here today. Okay. So, which is truth. But then I thought, I just come out, I just, because I realized when I started running first, when I was like in my 20s, it just, it gave, I felt better. I got the indoor from wash. I felt like an accomplishment. And then I started rock climbing. And I never felt that was good at sports. And so it was all these things for me. And for me now, like, I felt better. I got the indoor front wash. I felt like an accomplishment. And then I started rock climbing. And I never felt I was good at sports. And so it was all these things for me. And for me now, I've gotten to the point

after all these years, like if I don't do it for a few days, I need it. I have a really good, like I love it. It's healthy. It clears my mind. It helps with depression. But someone like Jamie, for example, me, Jamie, and I try to get her a Michelle.

I'm like, you guys, I will get you a gym membership. Like I need you doing. She's like, I don't know how to, she's like, I wish I loved it. And she said, do you think someone could learn to love it? I'm like, well, I always, by 25, I did love it. I didn't love it until I was about 23. But how would you say, because I think your approach Bethany Seymires is kind of like getting people to,

to kind of learn to just hook up with it in a way that is not judgy, not blamey, shaming. Yeah, well, it's interesting because a lot of the client tell. I mean, I have two different types of client tell. One is like a super athletic person who loves working out and they like the routines and the movements very unique. It's almost like a dance class without dancing at all.

And then I have people who are like, I hate the gym, never wanna work out of day in my life. Like, no, thank you. And I think the reason why people get attached to that is mostly just because of the language that I use in teaching. So, you know, often times, look, if I was an in fitness, I wouldn't do, like, I probably wouldn't be a workout person

to be completely honest. Like, it's not, I would never just go to a gym on my own and get on the treadmill. Like I don't even know how to do that. I have to take a class or somebody guiding me, right? And I think that a lot of times like I would go into a fitness class and make, go lower, go deeper, push harder. Like come on. What, what are you resting sort of like this?

Like very like bashing almost a little bit scary? And I really like to teach from a place it's still tough. It's still like getting there and do it. But it's like, okay, where do you feel the best? What would happen if you didn't come down? Instead of dropping what would happen if you go to your knees? Like, it's sort of this different approach to bring people in where I feel like a lot of people have found a

safe space within where like they can let their like their body is allowed to have flaws. They're allowed to mess up It's okay if you have fat rolls on your stomach, right? Like it's not all about getting a freaking bikini body Like there's other things that we're talking about and thinking about One of the main things we're thinking about is how do you feel? So, my favorite part of the app is before and after each workout in order to unlock and lock the routine, you have to answer the question, how do you feel? And I think that that really starts to let people recognize, am I starting this workout

feeling unmotivated and then finish feeling really energized? Yeah. And so if you can take the attention to how you feel after, maybe that becomes more motivating, what's not motivating to workout is you suck you ate too much food this weekend. And now you have to go to the gym. Like that's miserable.

Right, exactly. Why we don't stick with workouts. Exactly. We use it as a punishing. And if you could really learn to be in the moment and be thinking about how did your body feel. I love that you have that check in and the beginning of all your videos. What's the word? I was gonna do that when you came in but I was so excited. I forgot. I thought I was

like let's do that with you. Can you walk? Let's walk. I think we because I think we should all do that because I think we have to when you can learn to name feelings and I'm certain that your journey through not really being in your body when you initially started out and then the journey you've been through feeling out, what do we feel? I think feelings are hard for people sometimes. So I love like anytime you can be like, what am I feeling right now?

Like I've done a lot of this mindfulness training. It's like, okay, right now, my feet are on the floor. You know, I'm feeling this plastic chair. You don't. I'm like, how much shit if have I spilled on this chair? You know what I'm here now and I'm present. Okay, and I'm talking about the DC Myers. You can find her at BETHANYC Myers, MEY-ERS, and at the Become Project.

I think what I love also about your videos, your workout videos, first of all, doing it home. You can do them anywhere. And I love it because I do now the kind of practice that you're doing. It's more like Pilates, yoga, base. It seems like some of it is, and it just are the positioning and you give modifications

because I have a bad back. And I feel like I've hurt myself in classes when they're not like afterwards. I had the other instructor recently and she said to me, well why do you tell me you have a bad back? I'm like, there's 20 people in here and I wasn't gonna go up there and tell you, but, chick, well, don't you know the modifications yet?

I'm like, no, I don't. It's a fairly new injury. I was working. It just pissed me off. Yeah. I've actually started. Just can't go around, but you're doing that in the delivery and making people feel good.

Totally. So I've actually started not even calling the modifications. I just called them alternatives. Because what I realized is, you know, a side plank. Like if you don't have a good shoulder, you don't have a good neck, there's a good chance that you always need to be on your knees in a side plank,

no matter how strong you are. And I kind of like over this idea where it's like this is the harder version and this is the easier version. It's just two different versions. What feels best on your body and when you're doing things that feel good on your body, then you're working it in the right way, and it's a different relationship,

and it's not like every time I do this workout, my back is killing me. So I think that I would, I like the idea of finding power and figuring out what our body needs, it's essentially body autonomy, right? Exactly. What do I need at this time?

So then a big part of my job is to make sure that people know all the different ways that they can do something. And you do it seamlessly. It seems like it's ever less than that way. So it's really is your gift. I really like telling people what to do with it. Just like telling people what's doing the bedroom. Sometimes, yeah.

Yeah. I do feel like you're more like dominant, submissive. Dominant. Oh, OK. Yeah, very dumb. Very dumb. OK. And so yeah, I guess I do like telling people I don't know.

That would make sense. Yeah. I don't at all. I mean, I do. No, not even really. Just on the show. I barely tell these girls I do. No, but I think I want to be more submissive.

But I was saying that you could switch. Some people we could learn to be more dominant, more submittal in the bedroom. But mostly we have one side that we lean towards. Right. It definitely depends on who I'm with. Right. So you're with, let's talk about you.

Let's talk about you for a second. Let's talk about your, so you're with men, women, women mostly. Women, because I'm your, you're mostly Men women women mostly women tummy cuz I'm your mostly right, okay Do you met my spouse? Who is born male? Identifies this non-binary uses they then pronouns as do I you use they then pronouns to we could talk about that They then I was afraid I mean I've done this but I feel like I don't want to mess it They okay, okay, it's no that I care practicing a language It is important language. feel like I don't want to mess with that. It's okay. It's a practicing language. It is.

It puts an important language. I know. I don't think that you would. No. Because I actually remember times when I was like really hard for me when I started, you know, having friends who use they them. And I had to like, I had to really practice. You have to practice.

It's just like, mindful of it. It's like learning a language, right? It's a way of speaking. And so I think oftentimes people are very intimidated by the words because they don't want to offend someone. But I try to look at it from a place of like, it's just learning how to talk. And this is just a more inclusive way of speaking. Exactly. Okay. Yeah. So they, that, right. So, what would you correct somebody? So how do we explain that though exactly? So I wouldn't say, she, so Beth and you'd like a

break day, I would say, yeah, days. Beth and he is here today. We're really excited to talk to them. To, they's. Beth and he is here today, we're really excited to talk to them. To talk to them. Beth and he is here today, they look great. You do look great. And you sound great. And so, okay, so what about, and you're in an open marriage? Okay, so I'm in an open marriage.

So let's talk about that because people are often confused by that, they're intrigued, they're not sure how it works, how do you get passed, and you've had a lot of experience. So, how does that work for you? You know, it's a topic I talk about often, and honestly, it's something I'm still figuring out as far as how I can help other people. Something that's interesting about the relationship itself is Nico and I have kind of always been open.

We've known each other for 13 years. There's been times that I suppose we date a monogamously, but neither one of us are monogamous people, so we've just cheated on each other. And then, like, easily got over it because we're like, whatever, I don't care. Kind of thing. We're both queer.

You know, as far as my identity, like I'm married to somebody who has male parts, but I wouldn't ever consider any other guy, like in every other way I'm a lesbian. He's the only guy. He's the only guy. The only guy. Yeah. And I can't, they're there.

There, there, there. It works, it's fine. See? It's my job though, but they're right. Okay, so how would you say that being in your body, like this work that you've done, because this is why I want to go back to ferment, because how is it how is it improved?

Just your sex life overall because coming at a place of Starving your body of nutrients and restrictive like a lot of us do we When I talk about self love, I remember was a big light bulb moment when I realized itself love was like It not only is it words like the little things that you do or like eating the bad food or the negative talk It just happens all day, every day. It can't if you don't monitor it. So you learn to like really get into your body. How is it helped you sexually?

Would you say? Because I would think when you were out of it. Well, it's, I mean, even more than, I mean, it's helped me sexually. It's, your body is everything, right? It's like this home that, it's not everything. It's the home that we reside in, though. And it's this physical manifestation of ourselves. And so that carries into every single aspect.

What I found is at the height of my eating disorder, at the height of my body bashing and really, really just being super uncomfortable in my skin, was also at the height of my most disconnected sex. And sexual encounters where I was like, I don't even, I don't care who it is. Just honestly, I feel like really disrespectful to my own self. Yeah.

This is like, whatever you can be an asshole, but you can still fuck me sort of thing. You know, it just didn't, like did not care. As I started to heal and really started to focus on like, I'm only gonna move for reasons because of my own mental health. Like I'm gonna stop doing workouts because of anything that's exterior

and I'm only gonna work out for things that are interior. And then like I'm gonna spend every day like literally standing in the mirror and being like, I love you, legs. I really do it. Let's do it. Because I totally did all the time. That's part of your program too.

You give these tips or part of your way of life. It's true. Look in the mirror. Yeah, I mean, you have to. There was definitely a timer. I was like, oh, that's so cheesy. But it really does help, especially on bad days, which I still very much have. Yes.

All the time, right? I'm not this perfect. I'm super body neutral much have, like all the time, right? I'm not this perfect. Like I'm super body neutral and everything's great all the time. It's like, some days it sucks. Right. But talking to yourself is really helpful, reminding yourself that like the way, you know, it helps me is the way that you, like the, I'm feeling this way about my body because society has painted a picture of what

is beautiful and what is perfect. And this is an idea that's been sold to me. Often helps me to take it to like a bigger perspective. I don't know if that helps other people. No, I think it absolutely does. I think that is a really big shift to realize that you can have the agency over your own body, those own decisions, and then stopping the negative because it really is true that we see. I remember I was at this, um, the, the, this is one selling lingerie at the flea market.

I just love this example and she was saying it's just so, I'll, the, the, the Melrose Fairfax market. If you're a bent the, I have, you know, it's a great market. She's independent. She was saying I was selling stuff. She I have women come in that two women, same day, different body, same body type, same exact. And one comes in and she's like, I look so hot. I feel so good. And then someone else is saying, she's like, oh my god, I can never wear this.

And it's like, and to everybody else, that is, we all have that choice in every moment. It decide to love the body that we are in and to have this notion that it's supposed to look any certain way. And I do think we're getting certain places in society. We're seeing all different sized bodies like in advertisements and people are being alone,

but we're still got a long way to go. So I love that this app is really about and what you're doing, your whole movement is about just helping everyone just being on this more body. Not even body positivity. Being like neutral, because positivity, even being body positive, is kind of stressful, cause if you hate your body,

you're like, I'm not gonna be positive, but I could be neutral. Right, and that's a good place to start, if that's where you need to start. Cause we often do things that set ourselves up to fail, and the idea that you can be positive about something 100% of the time, like I can't think of one thing in my whole life that I am positive about all the time.

And so the more like you need to be body positive and then you have days where you don't feel super body positive and it's like oh you failed at being body positive. It's just like so much stuff right. So I use the word body neutrality with the idea that Sundays you love your body, Sundays you hate your body, all days you respect your body. And I go back to that often where it's like, okay, today I don't feel great about it. I'm gonna accept that and acknowledge it, but I am more than just my body. This is not the only thing that I am.

Right, there's so much more. Yeah, so much more to you. I think that's a great, I think that is such a good message, really. So how has it been going? What's the response been to the Become Project? It's been, it's been amazing. It's honestly, it's been very heavy in a good way. It's an emotional, like it evokes something very emotional in people. And the stories that we get in from clients

is this really powerful thing. I mean, if people being like, I did the workout in my underwear today. And this is the first time that I've stood in my underwear and like really looked at myself. Like that's a huge thing. That is a huge thing. For people to be like, I'm feeling more comfortable.

We've actually had a lot of people saying that they're feeling more comfortable around their spouse and that their sex life is a lot better. That has to be, you gotta move your body. 100%. And like, it's really cool to have people writing me. Like, you've been proved to my sex life. Yes, that's what we're all about.

You know what I'm about, that's right? No, all day every day. That's what, that's it, because it is the life force. So would I also want to explain to people, and this is something that I'm just like, ugh, if we don't move our bodies, like our life force, like the pelvic floor, I mean, there is so much tension

and there is so much that we hold memories, we hold stress and tension, and that actually prevents us from, like you have to move your body to have better seconds. And I hate to be like, you got it, but you do, and we wonder why sometimes I hear from a lot of, I hear from men and women, but a little bit more women who are like,

I don't know why I've never in the mood and sex has gotten boring, but like I don't have time to work out and I can't do anything. And like a lot of times a lot of things start and they make you have pain, but we have to learn to like strengthen our core, do exercises that get you the more you move,

the more you will want sex, your blood's flowing. Your blood is the only stagnated if you're not doing. Right. Yeah. I honestly haven't thought about it that way, but you're absolutely right. Yeah. I mean, it's really, once you start moving

and that's why even couples do it together, like if they like, it's just, and that is something, because when couples play together, I would say they play together, they stay together, but it's true when you move your bodies together, it's hot, it is, or take a class, or do something that's, you know, challenging both of you. Get that dopamine, that serotonin, that connectivity again. Right. So in gaining your own, just your own stance, like understanding what it

feels like to be inside of your body. I'm really big in my instruction. I've always been this way. I'm really big about putting the mind into the muscle. Yeah. Put your mind into your body. Where do you feel it? Where do you want to feel? Really taking yourself mentally there. And I think that that's just so important to really be inside of yourself. I can understand what you feel like. Well, I think that, okay, yes, I'm so glad you brought this up because that is a so hard for I that is something that personally. I've had to learn that and that has been a journey where I literally would have like I remember like 20 years ago I had a therapist say me like well, where do you feel this in your body? And I was annoyed I was like no I don't only feel anxiety. I feel it everywhere

So I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have emotions in my body. I don't feel it and it took me a long time And that's from a lot of us have disassociated things happening at childhood. I had trauma. Things happen. And I had to learn and I'm still, it's always a journey because we can numb out, we cannot feel things to feel things. So what is your process with people? Because if someone said that, I wouldn't have known, I don't know if I would have caught it.

We were like, what do you feel in your body? I'm like, I don't know. I'm just trying to do the get my arms right. But what's the language that you would use to get someone to really like stop and go, where am I feeling this? Yeah, I think, well, to put it into movement, right? I mean, when I'm doing a certain move, I'm helping evoke the feeling. Yep.

If you're doing a glute exercise with me, your ass is going to be a fire. You know, like I'm helping encourage that by the position that we're doing. And then I'm like coaching a lot of form to work people into a spot. So what often helps is to figure out, if you're feeling it in the wrong place, in order to feel it in the right place. So it's sort of using that back and forth, is that make a little bit of sense? Yeah, no totally. Are you feeling it in your knee,

and if you shift your backwards and do this, can you then feel it in your butt? So you have no other option, but to think about those places. Exactly, and you do that throughout, right? Do you remind people that, because this is what business is about in class, is too, when they don't tell you,

and I'll say this to my instructor, I'm like, where am I supposed to be feeling this right now? Because I don't know, and I'm just a perfect, I feel like it by doing it wrong. So to keep having people and then that's what keeps you, like to keep saying you should be feeling it's in your left and your right hand. And you know, yeah, well, if you know where you're supposed to feel it, then you can adjust. I mean, so my main job for years was being a teacher trainer.

I trained instructors and I'm obsessed with the format of teaching and how you're supposed to teach. like what cues make someone understand something and how you use your voice against the music. I mean, I could go on for hours now. But that is that like teaching other instructors how to teach is one of my favorite things and that's one of my number one things I say is if you tell people where they're supposed to feel it, it helps them better adjust their body to get there. Absolutely.

I think every single instructor, those are my favorite instructors. I'm like, thank you. Like after yoga, like thank you, because I've been doing it for yoga forever, but I still need to remember that my shoulders have to go over my hands. Right. Or don't be because you just keep going back. You keep going back to how you're used to doing things,

so to keep correcting. So, okay, I think I know that people are like, I kinda gotta go back to your open relationship because I got you off. Let's go back. I know that people, because you're in a successful one, and I would just let you're working on it. And I think I love your language of work and progress.

We're always working on it. I think it's super-success. Yeah, I think we have a really successful open, like as far as how we interact with each other. What has been harder right now, or what I'm struggling with right now, is who am I dating? Who are like the people who are into the open, who are the people that are okay with the fact that you're married, who can get it? It's, you know, the idea of what marriage is, is so ingrained into us. We're so ingrained to only know

what a monogamous relationship looks like. And I know that there's more. I know that it can be something else, and that's been the hardest thing is finding other people who are on board. Yeah, well, I think that you're doing a lot of educating in all different areas of your life. So I have to understand what it means. But it's hard though if you're saying it just for sex.

Right. If you want something more than that, you never know what things are going to be. Like if you have energy with somebody. Yes. I think you're going to find people. I'm focusing on work right now and then it'll... If anyone out there... I mean, like, I'm telling you, check out Bethany.

How long you in town? It's all talking for love. Check out Bethany's scene in my ear.? It's all talking for love. Check out Bethany's scene of my interest. I'm in New York, R.S. How was it hard for you at the Become Project at Bethany's Seemires? Well, you're doing great work,

and I'm super inspired by you, and I want everyone to check this out. Act to become project at Bethany's Seemires. I got five questions for you, quicky questions that we ask our guests. So I need you to help. You need to answer them. You need to.

Okay, I'm very excited. No question. Oh, very good. Okay, something that you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Um, it's not a sin. I was raised really, really. Oh, okay.

Yeah, so it's okay to explore. Masterbait. Yes, masterbait. I always bring it back to my old friend. Masterbait. Say, every, me too. It took me way too long to find it. Same experience. Yeah, how old were you? Late, late 20s.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, I mean, great. When I was young, I was like hanging on like the pole of my bedpost. I was doing it. Oh, you were right. You didn't know you felt the shame or it was weird. Right. You're from the Midwest too, right? You're from Zuri? Yeah, from Michigan. And then the first time that I really went in with my hands and did it full out, you know, put all my heart in the same way.

Yeah, yeah, that you got to do. I was like, holy shit. Yeah, where have you been in my whole life? I wanted to work as a sister. Yeah, that's amazing. I have to say, the more you work out, move, I always want to be like, master after work out. It's all the blood flow.

It's a good thing. Yeah, totally. Okay, something random that gets you in the mood. Something random that gets me in the mood is a steam. Ooh, like bathing. Yeah, steam char. Yeah, I did that today. I just, I did.

I'm a tuned in. I love it when I just steam room and it's a bastard. It is, it really does. It does. It does. It's not right. Yeah. Yeah. The biggest dating deal breaker.

The jealous crazy. Yeah. I didn't get to how you get through jealousy and open thing. I really, I don't know if it's me. I feel like I tend to attract pretty crazy people, or like people that love the drama stuff. So, we'll start to recognize it, but then you can't. After a while, I'll be like,

that's, if you see it, it just recently happened and I did, I saw the red flag and I ran. Yeah, we got it, right, good. Yeah, I felt very proud of myself. That's good, it's good. You just keep doing that, you don't even want to be in it. They won't even be in it.

They won't even be in it, right, right. But then you'll realize you're like, that can't even come into. Right. Yes. Perfect. OK, how many I'm on here now? I'm just having a chat with you. OK, we've got, how would you describe your sex life in three words?

How do I put into three words? Need to find someone? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Oh my god, this will not be a problem. Check out my Instagram. We're going to take some pictures at Sex and Family.

And you can see that Beth needs also a beautiful soul. OK, number one, you can choose here. Number one, sex dating or relationship tip. See? Number one, you can pick one. Sex dating or relationship tip. What? Um, well, I'll talk a little bit.

I'll say something little bit about jealousy, it's understanding that love is not finite. It's more, it's not like a glass of water where if you drink some, it's missing, it's more like a candle and you can light other people's and love is much more expansive than we think. Yes, exactly. You've really to love many people.

That's a good answer. Okay, thank you so much. Absolutely, thank you. Thank you, Bethany for being here. This was a blast. Find them at Bethany C. Myers and at the Become Project on Instagram and at thebecomeproject.com. Alright guys, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your emails. Alright guys, I live for answering your questions.

Like I look forward to it. It's just why I get out of bed in the morning. So if you want a question answered on the show, go to my website, section of the MLA.com, click the Ask MLA tab, belt the short form, totally easy, or just email us feedback at section of the MLA.com. However you do it, just remember to include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks guys.

Okay, Jamie, you want to do a little reading of the questions here? But, of course. Okay, this first one comes to us from Blue, 54 New Jersey, and she writes, Hi, Emily. Love your show. I've learned so much, and I know my body and what I want. One problem. I don't seem to be able to do cowgirl with my partner.

I'm having trouble getting on and having him stay in me. Help! Never happened to me with my previous partner. Do we not fit? Sex is amazing between us, but I can't figure out what the problem is. Thank you. Hey, Blue, thanks for your email.

This is interesting because, I mean, I know I'm not there. I kind of wish if it was legally you could send me a picture or a video or something to see. What is actually going on? What's happening? You are you're slipping out. Why are you slipping out? I think if you just get closer to him and like, you know, you might be used to kind of moving up and down and kind of being

a little bit more looser with your movements, but I think if you get closer to him and then you like lay down like on his torso. So your body's like on top of your breasts or on his chest and you're moving using more of the back and forth grinding motion. That could really help you. I mean, I think what happens with a lot of women is either they think it feels good or it feels good for the partner or they see it and pour the bouncing up and down. And mostly it's more of a grinding back and forth. He could also just hold on to your hips.

Like, I know I like that when I'm on top of someone and they're put like, put kind of pulling me back and forth because then that's grinding on your clitoris and then there's no room for him to really slip out and just do shorter movements. And also, I'm telling you, the Kiggles, I five to mention them every day for the rest of my life, I will. I'm up to the task. Kiggles are your masterful secret to having incredible orgasms for men and for women. You know, those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasms, they're the ones that contract and relax when you're having an orgasm. So if you strengthen them, like by doing them five minutes a day, like that could also

help you with the grip if that's part of the problem, part of the slipping out. Another thing is, are you wetter than usual or less wet? I don't know what's going on with your lubrication. So that's just something else to think about. Pay attention there. Maybe if it is due, have a towel by the bed. I think everybody needs to have a towel by the bed.

So that's all I got for you here. That's what I think. Those are my guesses, but you know, you'd be perfect blue to call into the show. I'm gonna do Friday, five to seven PM on SirisexM. Even if you don't have SirisexM, you can call it. Triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven. And also talk to them about it.

Like, I don't know if you're like, oh no, I'm embarrassed, I'm slipping out. Just be like, hey, 9478277. And also talk to him about it. I don't know if you're like, oh no, I'm embarrassed, I'm slipping out, just be like, hey, yeah, this is weird, you don't have to say it's never happened before because nobody likes to hear that. Like, you're the only guy that I've had this weird thing happen with, he just feels bad. So mostly he's gonna be like, you know what,

it's interesting, I just find, I can't quite find the position here, the way our body's fit. Let's figure out together so you're not just awkwardly doing different things and he's like, what's going on? So okay, blue, let us know how it goes. Or give us a call. Okay, this next one's from Mark 55 in California, dear Emily. I have a small ED issue in that I can get hard, but have problems sustaining an erection.

The bigger problem is this is now leading to performance anxiety and my brain starts shutting down the erection. How do I get out of my brain and get my confidence back? I'm reluctant to have sex as it becomes frustrating to me. I have a mate that understands, but also gets frustrated. Thanks for any recommendations. I need my swagger back. Yes, you do, Mark.

I get it. Anytime there's some kind of weird thing happening in the bedroom, it is hard to have our full game on. So you have a small ED issue. So you get hard, but I have problems with stating erection. Okay, so you, as you know, it's probably it's common. You have 55 years old for men. You know, a lot of things are happening when we get older, loss of testosterone. There's like the plaque build up in your penis that is sometimes the problem. There's a lot going

on here. The first thing is that like it happened once and then you're like, oh my God, it's gonna happen again. And then you're like, am I gonna get hard? So you're right. You're right to know that a lot of it is performance anxiety. A lot of what we deal with sexually is in our heads. So the more you could be, you the more you could practice being mindful

when you're having sex with your partner and just, even when you're on your own, just practice, the mindful practice is essentially when you're having sex with them, you are focused on all of your senses, like everything that's happening in the moment. You are feeling what it feels like to be inside of her, your, your hands on her chest, on her hair, your breath, like when you guys could breathe together. I mean, lighting the candles, having the music, all of your senses engaged because when they are, it's, you're less likely to be in your head.

But I also understand that it is a practice. So you have to be patient with yourself. The other thing I just want to mention is that if this is something happening to do actually with just getting older, which we all have to deal with, I don't think we've brought this up yet, James, to the podcast audience, but I've been wanting to tell you guys,

I've been so excited about these amazing new technologies that can help with ED, and they're pretty miraculous. Like, when I heard about them at a conference, like a year, you're gonna have to be like, oh, are you telling me that men can come in and get, you know, you sound waves, or you know, you have to do a few laser treatments with a doctor and fix ED.

Like, is that real? And I gotta tell you, it actually works. It's pretty miraculous. You don't need a pill, which I love. Anything that doesn't give you a pill. There's one called gains wave. Now gains wave uses sound waves essentially, breaks up the plaque.

So that's what's happening while you're no longer able to stay hard. It's the plaque in your penis builds up in the blood vessels, which happens over time. So what it does, what the sound waves do is they break it up so that it allows for the better blood flow. Because what's happening is your blood is not able to flow all the way through to the erection, so it gets soft. There's also another one called Boston Scientific and just feel free to check these out. They have a lot of different surgical implants that help men over 40, just kind of combat the issue,

get them more into a healthy sex life. So I don't have a penis, but from penis owners, I've really heard some amazing things. I've interviewed some of the doctors because I don't like, you know, I will never talk about things that I, I don't know for sure, but that these are being heralded by a lot of experts

in the industry, Boston Scientific Gaines Wave 480. So those are some new solutions, and I think a mindfulness practice for sex is great for all of us. Yeah, I mean, it's crazy. It's crazy, the technology that's coming out. I know. And for women too.

Women, if you have urinary, I'm just gonna say, if you have urinary, I was going to say, if you have urinary incontinence, you have pain during sex, you have urinary incontinence means that you sneeze in pee, happen to a lot of women in for childbirth or just as they get older. There's some other things, like there's a chair called emcella by B.T.L. as a company, and you just have to Google it and see people having an area. You can sit fully clothed on a chair that kind of vibrates, it feels good. You're not going to be having orgasms in the doctor's office, but you sit on this chair and it uses gentle, electromagnetic technology to kind of work your

kegel muscles and straighten your pelvic floor. It does 11,000 kegels in 30 minutes. You have to go twice a week for three weeks and it helps with orgasm lubrication and it can help with immune with urinary incontinence. And then there's other things too, lasers and just things that help you with all the pain during sex or something called ultr-fem 360. So we'll get into more of that. A few questions you can let me know,

but keep your look out there, you guys. You don't have to take pills or do weird things to actually have a healthy way of dealing with some sexual challenges that have been around for a long time, but now with new solutions. This next one comes to us from Dominique in California. Hey, Emily, about a year ago, I made a switch to a non-hormonal copper IUD.

It's been great for my sex drive and responsiveness, as well as leveling out my hormones. The downside is, now I always have irregular periods and random spotting. I oftentimes use a menstrual cup or just a liner on light days and can't really predict when things will start or stop. I've been dating a guy I really like for the past several months, and the sex is great, only getting better, but it's hard for me to figure out when to ditch the period supplies as things are getting hot and heavy. Do you have any tips or feeling less awkward about period sex and staying in the mood while fumbling around with a menstrual cup in the man cave bathroom? I should probably just go and get a cave bathroom. I know, I love that.

Dude. I should probably just go ahead and have an adult conversation with my guy about it, but it feels so unsexy. I honestly have no idea if he's even noticed why I sneak off into the bathroom. I appreciate any advice and some sure this has been an issue for many a lady before. Oh yeah, Dominique, it has been. And I love, I love period sex questions. Same.

We haven't covered it, because we all have the planet is dealing with this. And I'm gonna tell you, Dominique, that I was, I before this, I became this, sexually, thenally, I was like, you know, I was like, I'm not gonna talk about it. It's embarrassing. Like, what am I gonna do? It's so awkward.

We never talk about periods. At least sex, you think on the planet. Like if women talked about their period, I'd be like, why? I would go to the bathroom with a, like if I was in an office with a tampon, up my sleeves, and go inside and hide it. And it's like, I think that that just stuff doesn't need to come to an end. I believe that the more you confidently leave with, yeah, I've got my period. So we're gonna have to put down some towels. You could bring over some beach towels. I'm assuming if he's in a man cave, he probably doesn't

have clean towels at a loan extra towels. How old are you? She didn't say. beach towels. I'm assuming if he's in a man cave He probably doesn't have clean towels at alone extra towels. How old are you? She didn't say okay, but I'm just gonna say that's just something you don't bring along I just feel like you we all really have to talk about it more and we love Dr. Joleen Brighton If you listen to a podcast we do with her it's amazing and she talks all about the birth control pill in the period and different things that you could do To deal with hormones and all that. So different diets and foods you should be eating. But period sex is messy, you guys. I get it.

Since you don't know, maybe it's better to just put that in blanket every time. Also shower sex, super hot. We love shower sex. I know we've done a ton of blogs about it and stuff. You could check about our site. If you have sworn off period sex during your period, like if you don't actually want to have sex because sex positions can be more painful, you can do more gentle options like spooning or missionary position that might make it a little less more like bloody, if you will, because if you're staying

in one place, like if you're doing the spooning position, you're staying in one place or missionary, like you're not moving around and flying around doing like dog style and all these stuff. And then just make sure that you're playing with the depth of penetration. I know for me, I sometimes during intercourse, I have more pain sometimes during my period. I don't often want sex so I kind of have to play with it. So angles are great putting pillows underneath your pelvic floor under your back. So if you want to, you know, move around and just find what works for you. Also, you don't have to have sex. Number four play is huge. Four play is important all of the time. And it can even be hot because the temperature hormones are an overdrive.

You're super turned on this time of month. And so you might just want to like maybe some mutual masturbation, use some toys. That could also be a great time to kind of explore with that. Making out more. I'm telling you guys, kissing is the first thing that goes into long-term relationships. Rather than swearing off sex completely, just because you're like, I can't have penetration, even though you're not saying that, but like having this be the time

where you practice real massage on each other, you make out, you play just your breast, which I think that people don't do enough. Way more breast playing, breast gasms are a thing. Breast orgasms, super popular, and you gotta work at it, but you can do it. Teasing your partner, having him tease you, and having him kind of play with you

because you guys know that the teasing part, the arousal, the part of sex before sex when we're all really turned on, sometimes that can be the hottest part. So the longer you can draw that out, the arousal and teasing the better sex you're gonna have. And also, you guys, when we do orgasm during our period, FYI, you do release biochemicals

that can also relieve mental cramps. Did you know that? Also, just so you know, there's also flex cops for penetration or fun cops by fun factory for oral or just for more shallow penetration. But yeah, I think the more you're like, I mean, here's a thing. I do think that you'd be like, oh, I got cramps and, oh, I don't feel good and bloody. Like, I don't know it. I think more just being like, got my period so gets a little messy So I would just throw down some blankets and just kind of keep going with it or jumping the shower after

Always have baby wipes by the bed Or they could get freshies. Yes, they will play they'll be on two weeks Three weeks they're amazing you guys you know we love woo more play loo Well now they have these things called freshies. They're for women They will be up before during after sex. You just throw them in your purse. I am obsessed with them. So I think the more you just take control of the situation,

your guy loves you. He's with you. You know, this happened. I think the more that women kind of own up to this is what I'm going through. This is my period and let's take precautions and not be all like, I can't and not talk about it. You know, think the better off we're all gonna be.

Let's have the men understand. Most guys actually really don't care either. They don't care. They really don't care. And I actually can tell you that the guys that have cared were not my guys. For many other reasons, but like the guy who I've told they jumped out of bed, it's like 10 years ago,

something he like, the second I got my periods, but he like jumped out of bed, he's like, we have to shower like blood everywhere. And I understand if you haven't seen it, but he was like 30. But the point is, there are some people who are just aren't into it. And you can't force them,

just like they can't force you to go down and know when you don't want to. So it's in the case by case basis, but the guy like when I was in hotel room with him in San Francisco, an ex boyfriend, and it was one of the first times we had sex, and I swear to God, it was like a murder in there. It was like a blood scene. I didn't know it was going to be like a bloody murder scene. I did not know it was getting my period. It was like all over the wall. It was not

pretty and I and it was a little embarrassing and he was like, cool whatever. He's like, remember that blood, remember that crime scene we left at the hotel? It was like a joke. That's hilarious. And he rolled with it and it's fun because that happens. It's women. We're great. We give life. We give blood. We give birth, the whole thing. So, let's roll with that. Okay. Okay. This next one comes to us from Scott, 44 in Canada. Dear Emily, my wife and I have been married 10 years and have a great sex life.

We have friends that are into the lifestyle and we flirted with the idea of some play with them, but my previous wife cheated on me so I can't see myself being comfortable with it. But we have been to a few sex clubs and only played together, including myself and her through the Glory Hole, which was fun. On our last trip, we tried the Glory Hole again, and she's able to play with a couple strangers, mainly hand jobs and blow jobs with condoms, but the last one I encouraged her to write it, needless to say we had a blast. We don't know or see the other person, so I don't have any feelings about it and actually enjoy it, and she gets to have sort of a threesome fun. I think this is a good choice for those seeking to try and push boundaries with a little

danger, but what are your thoughts? Okay, my thoughts got this is a great question. I don't know that I've gotten a glory hole question and I've gotten thousands upon thousands of email questions and questions in the last 14 years. I don't know that I got a question. I usually thought about more on the gay community, more so. I think the thing about glory holes is it kind of, first of all, it really depends on the cutout in the wall.

You've got to be careful of cuts and scrapes and bacteria and all those things and just, you want to make sure it's done well and done hygienically that no one is getting hurt. And I would say just be careful, but you know, I'm really glad you're using condoms, you have to keep using condoms. And I would just see, make sure to pay attention

to the thing, I know you can't see much, but just whoever you're touching and that you're in a safe place and that, I mean, I guess you are using condoms, but still inspect. Take a look, take a look around. I'm glad you guys are getting off on this. And you like the dangerous part of it. However, you've been with this new wife for 10 years and you're in the lifestyle you've flirted and your story, your previous wife cheated, but that was 10 years ago.

And I get that, or before you're this wife, so who knows how long ago? And I understand that kind of sticking with you, that's heartbreaking and that's so devastating, and it really causes you to lose trust with everyone, essentially. But what I'm saying is there's a new story here, like that's kind of an old story that you're holding on to,

like she's gonna cheat, she's gonna cheat, you know what, they happen with you, or your ex-wife, and I get that, but maybe there's some repair around it that you still need to do, like trust in it and then also extending that to your new wife because it feels like things have been going well with her and so maybe you no longer are in that risk of some cheating on you and leaving you and going through all that pain again, that's no longer the situation that you're in now. So knowing that and being able to work through this with your current wife might allow you guys

to explore other things in the lifestyle that maybe are also satisfying, exciting, dangerous and not limited to the glory hole. Mm-hmm, I agree. But I'm not gonna tell you not to do the glory hole, just be safe and take a look at where you are now. And maybe she's, you know, desiring something else too, but she doesn't want to bring it up

because you've talked about the cheating, but that's an old story because you're in a new place. And I think we often forget that we're carrying on a whole lot of baggage and no longer serves us. This last one comes to us from Alexandra, 23 in Spain. Hello, Emily. I've been with my boyfriend for over two years and our sex life has been good.

I moved to Spain and July from England and we are currently living together. The past two nights, we've tried to have sex but he hasn't been turned on. So yesterday night. I moved to Spain and July from England and we are currently living together. The past two nights we've tried to have sex, but he hasn't been turned on. So yesterday night, I tried to turn them on and still wasn't happening. He said to me that I wasn't feminine enough in the bedroom, that he felt that I was like a man,

which made me quite upset, and I'm worried that he will lose interest in me and the relationship. Is there any chance he can give me some advice on being more feminine when it comes to sex? I've not had many sexual partners or experiences, so this probably influences as well. Thank you. Hey, Alexandra.

Thanks so much for the question. Here's a thing. I think there's so many differences between the way men and women handle challenges in the bedroom, or challenges in life, actually. Women have this default towards blaming ourselves and thinking that we're doing something wrong. And I often think that men sometimes it's easier for them to blame the partners for something going wrong than really looking at themselves. Not all men, but this is what I've seen. So you said the past two nights, you tried to have sex, you hasn't turned on, and he's blaming

you for not being feminine enough. And I'm just going to challenge that because I'm not quite sure what that means. He's not putting enough words on it. It's actually kind of hurtful to hear those kind of words from your boyfriend. Maybe he's been masturbating all day and can't, I mean, here's different signals. He could be masturbating. You can't get up. Maybe he's drunk and couldn't get it up. And yes, there is the possibility for sure that there's something else he requires from you in the bedroom to be turned on. But to say you're not being feminine enough and not giving you enough information is not fair. And I also

want to say the fact that you haven't had many sexual partners or experiences doesn't mean anything either. It just means that you're now with a partner that you get to ask those questions to. I'm telling you the number of people we've been with does not dictate our level of success in the bedroom. It's more about being present with every partner you're with. And like really saying, like, okay, so what does, like let me know more about what turns you on. When you say feminine enough, tell me more

what you mean by that. How could I do it differently? And maybe he'll say, like for example, let's say that in his mind he thought of that as feminine enough. Well, what comes to my mind is like, perhaps he wants to be more dominant. Maybe he wants to take control in the bedroom. You know, I feel like it's more feminine

to kind of be more in your body, maybe breathing more, you know, for me, get breathing more and kind of like, turning myself, making sure like I'm turned on or touching myself and it seems to be more feminine to me, perhaps. I mean, all I can think is by him saying you're not feminine enough means that you're more masculine. All I can think is by him saying you're not feminine

enough means that you're more masculine. All I can think is that you are dominating him, you're climbing on top of him and just pulling his pants out or giving, I can't really, I don't actually really know what that means. So I, that's why I like, I hesitate for you to kind of put this label on yourself without getting more information and like beating yourself up, you're 23 years old. You haven't had enough years on the planet to be whatever kind of experience love you think you should be. And no matter how you do, you slept with this. Still doesn't mean that you've experienced or you have skills.

It's more about the things I'm talking about here, which are communication, asking and what he needs. And also what you need. I'm curious if you've had orgasms. I'm curious if you've masturbated. I'm curious if you've actually gotten into your feminine, which is our feminine energy. And if you've kind of know how to like,

you know, make yourself feel good. Because I know at your age, I barely knew how. I just heard about masturbation. And I was more in the mode of pleasing and I might have been more masculine. And I think about it in the sense of, I don't know if I was mad. I was more about pleasing them than I was myself.

And so to me, even if he doesn't say this, there's something about never not knowing our own bodies and not having the kind of pleasure we need to have where your energy might be more towards his and you're not getting your needs met, which people, he can read that. So that's just a way of saying, go back for some more information. If you love this guy, he's your boyfriend and just listen and you can let him know what feels good to you and what's not. And then also make sure that you're taking care of yourself

and you're also asking him for some things that you need in the bedroom. Because even if you don't know yet, you could even say to him, well, I would like to know how to have more pleasure and more orgasms. I haven't done it yet. I'm gonna masturbate, want to masturbate with you? We can do some mutual masturbation. So, you know, he can ask for his,

but you need to ask for yours, and I'm just caveating because some caveating. Is that a word? Here's a caveat? Caviating. I like it. But caveat is that I'm just going to make an assumption that maybe you haven't totally done all of that because a lot of younger women have not done that work around figuring out their bodies and what feels good. And it seems like he's not initiating. So if you want to have, it's either not even attempt the sex or do what she's doing almost to. Yeah.

See that again? He's what? Well, it just seems like she's the one that's been trying the last few nights. Yeah, exactly. So that's what he's not initiating. And then it's kind of like, well, then how is she not supposed to be dominant? Right. Exactly.

Which is the very dominant role. So yeah, say what does it is she not supposed to be dominant? Right. Exactly. Which is the very dominant role. So, yeah, say, what does it look like for you to start sex? Like, what turn, you ask them what his turns on and then you tell him what your turns on. You know, I love the bucket list. You trade down three things you love and you exchange a list. I mean, I think that there's a lot here. If you, you know, you guys can go a little bit deeper and have some exploratory conversations

that I promise you, when you have these hot, sexy, erotic conversations with your partner, it really just does the work of turning you both on together and be more closer and having more intimacy. So I think that will answer your questions. Alright guys, thanks for the e-bows and for the great show. I hope you enjoyed the interview with Bethany. They're awesome. Check out all of their things in the show notes. Also, thank you Jamie. You're fabulous. Michelle, Ken, Michael, I love my whole team. I love you all. Thanks for listening. Was it good for you?

Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you