Sex With Emily - Best Of: An Ode to Oral (Sex)

Episode Date: April 28, 2021

On today’s Best Of roundup, I break down attitudes about oral sex, the oral double standard, the evolutionary significance of oral sex, how to overcome vibrator intimidation, tips for alleviating delayed ejaculation, ways to combat sexual insecurities, and what to do when you’ve given up on having an orgasm (hint: don’t give up).I also discuss how to address mismatched libidos in a relationship, tips for getting ready for anal play, how feeling pressure to initiate and perform can affect the quality of your sex life, and the best ways to approach potential partners.Show notes:FAQ: How Can I Get Better at Oral Sex?6 Oral Sex Tips for Going Down on a VulvaMind-Blowing Oral Sex in Under 5 Minutes: The Kivin MethodAsk Emily: I Hate Giving My Partner Oral SexFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I think that to really learn how to please your partner whatever that takes and whatever that looks like, that once you really get there, that it'll be so satisfying and I think that you'll forget that you might have had doubts about oral or anything else with sex. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's best of mashup, I break down the oral sex double standard. Remember, DJ Khaled? Well, if you don't, we're going to get into it. The evolutionary importance of oral sex, why you don't need to be intimidated by vibrators, tips for alleviating delayed ejaculation, ways to overcome insecurities, and what to do when you've given up on having an orgasm.

I also discussed how to address mismatched libidos in a relationship, tips for getting ready for anal play, how feeling pressure to perform can affect the quality of your sex life, and the best tips to approach potential partners. And if you guys want more specific tips for oral, just check out our FAQ section on our website and we have an oral FAQ that's going to lead you to podcasts and articles that will give you the tips. Here's just a few that we will put in the show notes.

Six oral sex tips we're going down in a blava. Mine-blowing oral sex in under five minutes, the Kivin method. And for going down to a penis, check out post-traumatic oral disorder. So if you have a question that you want answered on the show, all you got to do is send me a message, sexwithmly.com slash ask Emily. We have a form on our site.

It's super easy. You just have to include your name, your gender identity, your location, age, and how you listen to the show. And yes, I'm totally cool if you change your name. And also stay tuned. I really miss talking to all of you. I know you miss me. I miss you even more. And I'm working on starting up the Sex with Emily Hotline again. So you can call and leave me a voice-man with your questions. And we'll also have a time set where you can just call in and I can answer them live. And remember, you can find me on all social media, it's at sex with Emily.

All right, intentions with Emily, for each episode, let's set an intention. I do it, I encourage you to do it. So what I mean is when you're listening, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? How could it help you? What are you working on in your sex life or your relationship right now? Well, my intention is to just get you to think differently about oral sex and also answer

some of your most common questions that you keep asking me and you know that I want to get you all the answers. All right, everybody, enjoy this show. So recently, you guys, DJ Khaled revealed, or the story got picked up, that in 2015 he'd admitted in an interview that he doesn't perform oral sex in his wife because there are different rules for men. He explains that you gotta understand, we the king, there's just some things y'all might not want to do, but it got to get done.

I just can't do what you want me to do. I just can't. So he's basically saying that, you know, I get it. Like I, he's like saying doesn't love rural sucks. He doesn't want to go down on his wife because he comes in and say like, I'm taking care of the house and the bills and whatever he says. Why later? And this is this article is interesting because it breaks down actually the history of oral sex. DJ Khaled was not the first guy to say this. Freud theorized that men are terrified of the vulva because they subconsciously fear it will castrate them, which by the way, it will not.

It will not castrate you. So attitudes in non-Western cultures have been different. So in China, Taoism taught that ingesting vaginal secretions would strengthen the Yang or the male essence, which is obviously true. And the common sutra was very clear that the more orgasms you give to women, the better. And this fear of the penis being replaced or not enough is very palpable throughout all these things, even with the descent towards the vibrator. People don't love the vibrators. I think that there's a fear that your penis is not enough and That maybe your mouth isn't even enough or that your mouth is threatening your penis and jokes that the vulva is dirty

Have a very long history. So the Romans consider the word clitoris and obscenity So why do we do oral sex? Well, evolutionarily speaking oral sex there's no pro-creative function and there's been many theories as to what's driving the behavior. Like, why do we want to have oral sex if we can't have babies, which is why a lot of our sexual behaviors are driven, evolutionary speaking, and they think that maybe when a man went down on a woman, they were thinking that he's hunting for another man's sperm. And I've heard all these things about men. The tip of your penis is actually shaped thus it can pull out sperm, you know, like our, from our ancestors, like the cave man would come home and from killing, you know, wild boar. And then he'd use the tip of his penis and he'd have sex with the woman to pull out sperm. Have you guys heard that one as well? But here we are today. And I don't even know why there's a debate about oral sex. Why is there a debate about oral sex? Why is there

a debate about vibrators? Why is there even a debate about squirting? I think it's funny, even the G-Spot. All this stuff that we know feels amazing and benefits so many people, and we all love that I'm actually speaking to you that people are debating it. When we know that it feels so goddamn good, but, and I'm not bashing guys here at all. You guys know that my heart, I love, love, love men, and I'm just here to help you. There are so many women out there that don't typically like to give blow jobs either. So I understand this is an equal opportunity oral ditching zone.

So what I found about oral sex is that it comes down to the worry that we're just not good enough. So I think there's going to be many who say they don't like oral because they just feel like they don't know what they're doing and they don't know that they're doing it right and same with guys. And I think that guys, I feel that there's many men who's like nope, that's not my thing.

I'm not gonna do it because perhaps once they were told they weren't good at it, or their partners doesn't seem to be pleased by it, so they just stop altogether. And they don't even remember that time that happened where they were told that they weren't doing good job. And this goes for men and women. So that's like one cap.

And then there's the camp of men and women who I think really just don't like it. Like they just don't like doing it You know, maybe you don't like the taste or you had a bad experience But if that is the case when you're like yeah, there's just something about it And I'm not sure talk to your partner about it Communicate that I'm not sure what it is, but I really want to please you babe and maybe give yourself a better for the doubt Maybe it is that you you haven't really performed or in someone to success or what success looks like in your book.

But if that's the case, you guys didn't talk to your partner about it to say, you know, baby, I've been feeling like I really want to perform oral. I know that that's the thing you're into. How can I do it better? How could I please you? And really, your partner can show you. You guys can do the home-meat-roll masturbation thing. My challenge here was around DJ Khaled.

He just declares like, no, I'm the king and men should not perform oral sex, but expects that they should get a blowjob in return. And that's just furthering the double standard and it's kind of a cop out. If his wife is cool with it, that's fine, but I just feel like he's missing out. And I think that to really learn how to please your partner, whatever that takes and whatever that looks like, that once you really get there, because it takes work, you guys, real great sex takes work that it'll be so satisfying. And I think that you'll forget that you might have had doubts

about oral or anything else with sex. That's why I think every new partner is a new chance to co-grade a new relationship and a new sex life. That's what I gotta say about oral and DJ Khaled. We have Michelle. She's 26 from New Mexico and she says she has a higher sex drive than her partner and not sure what to do. Hey, Michelle, thanks for calling.

Hi, I'm Emily. How's it going? So good. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm good. Walk me through this. Tell me where you're at now. Yeah. So, um, since we've talked, I suppose I'm actually recently engaged. So, congratulations about that. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Excited. But you know, I, a relationship is amazing. He's my life partner. I love him to death. I'm really excited. But there's this one part of our life that doesn't completely align. And, you know, okay, I guess it's not silly. But I just have a higher sex drive than he does. And I don't know if it's because he's a few years older than me. And he kind of has a damaged sexual history past. And there's a lot to it. But it comes down to him really

only wanting to have sex once a week or less. It's not high on his priority list. Anytime I really try and make that effort, he kind of shuts me down sometimes not all the time or help say things like oh are you trying to be sexy? Oh Michelle Okay, oh god, okay, I'm so glad we're talking about this because it's not just a little thing everything's perfect But sex you know when sex is the problem in the relationship it kind of takes over everything So it's a big thing a sex to have a challenge on sex, not a bad thing, not like an ending thing, but you gotta like realize that it's okay to be concerned about this, and it's great that we're talking,

because this is the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with, we gotta do some work right now. First of all, I want you to know that it's not weird. In fact, women often have higher sex drives than men. It's just the pesky societal norms that have told us that women are the ones who want less sex than men. So it's really common. There's always, typically, it ebbs and flows throughout a relationship, or there's just always one person who wants it more than the other. That happens. That's like pretty much standard in a relationship. So that's okay. So you don't have to like apologize or you think it's weird because it's not weird at all Michelle. So I would say like couples have to compromise. They have to

talk about it because that's something that you guys Michelle. So I would say that couples have to compromise. They have to talk about it because that's something that you guys can negotiate on. My concern here is a few other things that you said, and that you said that he has, his early sex history is a little, what word did you use? Sketchy or questionable or damaged? I don't even remember that.

Damaged? So that to me is where I'm going red flags because if we don't work on early trauma, early anything, it's gonna stay with us for the rest of our lives. Right. Right. So, you know, it's one of those things where we do have a lot of communication. We talk about this a lot. We talk about it very openly and I push it or I bring it up to often, then that makes him say that the more I talk about it, even less he wants to do it, you know, he has to be in that mood. He doesn't just come home and want to have sex

or he really has to be like no stress, nothing on his plate, nothing, you know, nothing that could preoccupy his mind. He doesn't just like always feel ready to go. Well, that doesn't happen with anybody, okay? Like the star just has to be aligned. Everything's gonna be perfect. And then, oh, he's gonna wanna have sex. Like, who doesn't have stress on their mind every day?

So that's not realistic. So his standards for wanting sex are not realistic. And I know many women who feel the same way, too, they go, everything has to be perfect. Well, that's not life. I think this goes back to whatever happened to him earlier in life. And also, if he's ever gotten checked by his doctor, if he's truly not desiring sex, he could test testosterone checked.

He shouldn't have a problem with it at this age. I don't know if he drinks or takes any drugs or medications, they could also impact his sex drive. No medications, I mean, you you drink casually but not anything excessive. And I think a lot of the trauma from the past we also have very different up rings. I come from a very loving household and my family was great and his not so much at all and to deal with abuse and a lot of other things in his past that I understand he has trauma in his past and that is rolled over into who he is today as a person.

And I try to be understanding of it. But has he ever had therapy to deal with, even if he says he's passed it and you guys talk about it, has he ever really gone into it? What happened to him? And like the depths of it and kind of felt it and released it and yeah. Yeah, he did go to therapy after the incident when he was younger, when he was about 13. Okay. He did do therapy then. I suggested it to him now. And he's not opposed to it. Like, if we really get into a conversation or in the groove and I suggested it,

he's been open. But then if I bring it up again, he's like, no, I don't think I need to. Yeah. But I think he should. He has to. I'm telling you, on tree to trauma, just progresses in people.

And it's going to be there. And again, maybe we'll find out that it's not even about this. Maybe it's something else, but I think that therapy for you guys is really huge right now. Even before you get married, I would get into it because, sweetie, if you find out that right now, it's once a week and it's just gonna get,

he's gonna get busier, right? You're both young, you're working in your careers, he's gonna get more going on, then sex could get less and less frequent. You don't wanna find that out when you're already married and you've kids, you wanna work on that now. Right. But at least if you go to therapy, you can find out that no, he actually just really you've kids. You want to work on that now. Right. But at least if you go to therapy, you can find out that no, he actually just really wants

it once a week and that's how he's going to be. Well, then you know, right? And then you know what you're working with. But right now, you're getting kind of different messages and he might not really understand it either. So I think bringing in some help, going to see it there, but together would be super helpful. So you have my permission to go forward and make this something that you guys work on together and prioritize your sex life Because if you don't do it now, it will be a lot harder later. Yeah, I completely agree

So I think that's something that we'll definitely try and you know, we've tried to just be aware of it And you know, I've asked him to just we even have to schedule it have sex every Sunday Yeah, that's where we have to start with each other and just make sure that it's on our radars and then I'm not thinking about it and then exactly. Exactly. And it sounds crazy to have scheduled sex for the day. No, but you know, if that's the way that it was. Oh God, no, no. Right now.

Exactly. Exactly. I love scheduled sex because it's scheduled sex is made for couples who are really busy. They can't fit in or they have different times they want to sex. They just want to make sure they have sex because then you're not thinking about it all week Then you know Saturday night. We can look forward to it. It's our night. You get sexy. You get dressed up You feel really good and you know that it's happening Saturday night or whatever night you decide I'm off for scheduling sex and I'm also for finding out

How would he like you to initiate sex like if he says are you trying to be sexy right now? You can say it babe. What would turn you on like well? How do you face the size about me? Initiating sex? Like, I don't know. Like, maybe there's just some other ways to talk to them to kind of figure out what really does turn them on, and then he could find out what really turns you on, too. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a good time, Michelle. Yeah. It was so grateful. Yeah. All right. Yeah, sounds like a good plan. Okay, good.

I love it. Good luck to you. Stick with this. Thanks, Michelle. I think I'm late. Have a good night. Bye. Okay, guys, I love this.

This call highlights so many of the challenges I hear about. One of the one you guys trauma, if there's any sexual trauma, either you or your partner, I'm telling you, it just gets progressively worse over time, and you have to go into the origins and the roots and think, do a sexual trauma. It just keeps rearing its ugly head until you get into it. So I think therapy and therapy is great for couples. I believe that it helps couples, it helps individuals, no matter what trauma or no trauma. And then scheduling sex, you guys, it's brilliant. I hope that you've heard me talk about that a lot now too, and you no longer carry any stigma around scheduling sex. And also, let your partner know specifically if you feel like your needs aren't getting mad or you've said something a few times or your partner has

requested something of you, ask him them like, what does initiating sex look like to you? What does more for play look like to you? What does more intimacy look like? If your partner says something and you walk away going, I'm not sure what I'm doing something wrong here, but I don't know what it is, it's okay to ask questions. Remember having the conversation about sex is totally new concept for most people. That's why I'm here.

That's why I do what I do because I want to make it easier for you guys to talk about and know that the more you talk about it and the more comfortable you are and the more you really get into that detail with your partner without blaming and shaming and just being more vulnerable and open, the better sex you're going to all have. I promise. This is Daniel who wrote me on Instagram, which again, I love hearing from you everywhere. You guys can message me on Instagram but best to do it through the website. But Daniel, hey Emily, so here's a few questions that came up while listening to your incredible podcast. Number one, is it weird for guide a moan louder than a chick during sex?

I've been told that it's not very masculine to be louder than her. Number two, what are your thoughts on chick's eating a guy's ass? I've had that happen to be twice with different girls and it felt amazing, but I'm a little shame to talk about it. Number three, should I be ashamed that I prefer a girl take control during sex? I also take control, but I like it when she knows what she wants and isn't shy about taking the reins. As you can tell, there's a common theme with my questions.

Thanks again for taking the time to answer and keep slaying. Okay, Daniel, these are all great questions. Yes, there is a common theme here. And the common theme I understand is that you want to know, are you normal? Is it okay that you're experiencing things that society has maybe set up aren't typically, or what you've heard from your friends aren't typically the male role? So let's break this down. So is it weird for a guy to mown louder than a chick during sex? I've been told that that's not to be louder than her. Where did you hear this? I've never even heard that.

I mean, I think that it's really hot to just be loud and express yourself when you orgasm and to do you. Because that's the last thing we all need to be thinking is how do I sound? What does my face look like when I orgasm? So I think if you're feeling it, be loud. Do your thing. Make your noises. My thoughts on chick eating guys ass, my thoughts are yes.

And especially because you've had it happen to you twice, and it felt amazing. There's so many nerve endings, and there's so much to play with, you know, and our anus. So I say yes, go for it. And you've got to get rid of that shame, honey. Shame holds so many of us back from having the sex we want. We pre-dudge ourselves and we stop ourselves from having experiences.

So I don't think that if you're with someone, you could just say, I think we're really hot if you lick my ass. Let's take a shower. Or what do you think about that? Or, you know, play turns me on. Did that turn you on? I mean, because I know I try to make it a lot easier, but sometimes just say it. Just ask the question. It's better than not asking. As long as you do it in a tone, that's not accusatory. Why don't you over lick my ass? And you're like, God, ass play is really

fun for me. What about you there? You did it. You said it, and you're getting your needs met. So that's my thing about analicking. Should I be ashamed that I prefer a girl take control during sex? I also take control. No, I mean, there's no shame. You should not be shamed. You shouldn't be worried that you're not normal here. I'm going to tell you no. Don't be shamed and asked for what you want. There's a lot of people who switch. They like to be dominant. They like to be submissive. And I think that you're going to find a woman who's just dying to dominate you. And the sooner that you speak this to your partner, that you're going to have sex with, that you're having sex with, the sooner you're going to be dominated.

So how about that? All you all are telling you is, Daniel, you have my okay to go out into the world and ask for all these things and have incredible sex. And the only thing stopping you is you talking about it. Thanks, Daniel. I want to hear about all this. I'm going to take a quick break, but when I come back, I'm talking to Jonathan who's struggling with delayed ejaculation. about all this. I'm gonna take a quick break, but when I come back, I'm talking to Jonathan who's struggling

with delayed ejaculation. Okay, we have Jonathan. He's 30 from Florida and he says he got married quickly and he takes too long to orgasm. Hey, Jonathan. Hey, how are you, Emily? I'm great. Tell me what's going on. And he says he got married quickly and he takes too long to orgasm. Hey Jonathan. Hey, how are you Emily? I'm great. Tell me what's going on.

Give me some background here. Well, I guess you know the gist of it. Yeah. I met this really great girl and went on one day to we flayer and I'm getting married. We do sort of test drive things, I guess, like a couple of days before we get married, just I don't know. And on that night, you know, I seem to be taking a very long time. And now I think that maybe it's just because I'm nervous, just

because yeah. Yeah. So I'm thinking maybe just because I'm nervous. She doesn't say anything, you know, she, she gets orgasms, she gets there, and we don't speak about it again. So after we get married, we're doing it again, and this time she actually says something, and she says that I'm just taking a very long time. And I look at her, I can't believe she's actually saying that because no one's ever said that. That was a great thing. That was a great thing.

Right, right. You know, everyone always, oh, you can go for a long time, that's great, okay, that was my question for you. That was a great thing. Right, right, right. You know, every, every one of us, oh, you can go for a long time, that's great, but with her, she says, No, it doesn't take me very long. And if it ends up taking too long, at some point, it just stops being pleasurable.

Yeah, it's a hard one. Yeah, just right. And it just starts to hurt. And I can't do that. Right. So, whatever she, she told me that, every time we, we have sex, I think in my mind, okay, now that we're going, it's a race against time, it's going to be as quickly as possible, and

ends up taking even longer because I'm constantly thinking about it. Right. To the point that now we're having even less sex, and I'm thinking that it's because of that reason, and I don't know what to do about it because I've never had this before. Right. Okay. That was my question for you. Okay.

So I, because I wasn't sure when I read it, like how long would you say you typically last during intercourse? Um, 45 minutes on average. Okay. That's a long time. So, and how many women have you been with? Not not too long. I'm just saying so on average.

But if you wanted to go quick or could you, could you ejaculate after say 15 minutes ever? I mean I don't know, I've never timed myself so I don't know but okay I'm thinking you know I've been not that I've been with a lot of women but I mean I've how many women have you been with enough women? Right you've been with enough okay so here's the. It sounds to me like it's what we call this delayed ejaculation. After all the ejaculation challenges, premature ejaculation, or this is the one that's most challenging. In the sense of a lot of you will think it could be psychological, which sounds like you really are getting more in your head about it.

So it could have to do with that. Also it could be caused by if you're drinking, do you have much to drink or take any drugs, medications? No, I don't do any drugs or anything like that. I drink every now and then, but not to have to extreme or anything like that. So it sounds like it might be a case of delayed ejaculation because men who last longer than 30 minutes in bed, and they have a harder time ejaculating before that. We would say that is a delayed ejaculation.

So what about when you're masturbating? What goes on there? That also takes a long time too. And for that reason, it's not something I do very often, just because it seems like it just takes me a long time. Right. And I just end up getting frustrated. And this has been...

It's not, you know, well, she, her feelings are hurt because she thinks it has something to do with her and I keep telling her that I don't have to do with her. Right. And that also plays a part in me thinking, okay, I need to go as fast as I can and then I totally understand now. So she's feeling like, oh my god, why is it taking so long?

Is it her? Is she not turning you on enough? Because she's been with men who maybe come a lot quicker. So she's blaming herself as women often do. And you're like, no, babe, I'm so really attracted to you. So you guys have created this. So the good news is you just both have different interpretations of what's happening and the way she approach you the first time by saying you're taking too long during sex if

you've listened to the show I always say best not talk about it in the bad room and also not to to to blame so it sounds like she made you feel worse face you feel bad about this you're not pleasing it or so it sounds like we've got a communication problem going on and the thing is I have told her that and I told her that, I think that's what, that's what, um, just playing a part in it. So she hasn't said it again,

but the fact that we're having even less sex now, make me wonder if that's the reason why, does she just not say anything because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Right. Well, I mean, if she did for it. Can you get her, like, is there a way that you guys could do mutual masturbation

and she could have orgasms and other ways? I mean, you guys are still really a new couple as well. Right, right. So, how is your communication in other areas? Oh, another area is it's great. I mean, I can talk to her about anything and vice versa. You know, we never struggle about talking about, you know, anything, any kind of issue, whether it's that work or family or just between us. And it's really, really good. Okay, well, here's what I want to say about delayed ejaculation. So there's certain, they don't really know the cause of it.

Like I said, a lot of people think it's like a logical. You could also go to your doctor and just get checked out and let him know because it's not that there's necessarily a problem. But when a man can never ejaculate, this can ejaculate at a certain amount of time. It can hurt a woman to have sex for 45 minutes every single time because there's chafing and, you know,

it can be painful. But the problem is there's not a ton you could do, unless you can get some of these things checked out and realize, like, figure out how your body works. So there could be, I assume you have any, like, prostate surgery or anything like that. Hormone-related conditions. You've ever gotten your testosterone checked. I'm just saying this is, like, it's good to get a check out, go to your regular doctor. But it's a little more trickier. So I feel like you guys just have a is like, it's good to get a check out, go to your regular doctor. But it's a little more trickier,

so I feel like you guys just have a real talk about it that this is how you have sex. It doesn't mean that you're not, you're not gonna be a great lover to her, but understanding that this is, this is the situation that you're in. This is the expectations that you don't come. Just like women all, you know,

some women can't orgasm. In some physicians, they can't in others, they can't during intercourse, they can't in this way. We all have different ways that we orgasm. We experience pleasure. So just reassuring her that, you know, how much you love her, course, they can't in this way. We all have different ways that we orgasm, we experience pleasure. So just reassuring her that, you know, how much she love her,

that you guys can work on this together. It's not just your problem to deal with, and she's just gonna sit there and wait, you know, she's gotta learn that if you bring her into this, what you're dealing with, and you guys could help to solve it together. There's also like, you could see a sex therapist. I mean, there are therapists that could help you.

If we rule everything out, we find out that it's mostly psychological, although I'm not sure because it sounds like it's been happening to you since you remember, right, since you were masturbating. Right, right, right, I just thought, no one's ever complaining, so it's not possible. Right, which is great, because it's...

Right, you never thought about it. Exactly, because many women would be like, great, let's go as long as you want. So I feel like, get some more information, but also this is who you are. And so it also means that there has to be compromise, like every relationship. So perhaps you guys need to, like when you have sex, maybe every other time you go to completion and then sometimes you pull out and she finishes with a hand job or you get

a flashlight and finish yourself or you use your hand and she uses a toy and you guys can figure out different ways to kind of work with this. Because everyone's got sex challenges in their relationships, you know, messed up assort videos, different kinds of orgasms. So I feel just being totally honest, it's not about her, give her your history, and that you're on this mission now to kind of figure it out so you guys can work on it together. I think it would be great if you make it both of your challenge together, but it's not the end of the world, but I think you just need some education and some advice from a

doctor and then see what happens after there. but it's not the end of the world, but I think you just need some education and some advice from a doctor and then see what happens after there. Okay, well then we'll do that. I'll talk to her about it and see how she feels about, maybe going to see someone with me. I think it's great. You can find a sex therapist too, you're in Florida? I'm sure you could find someone there,

but to definitely get into it, there's a lot of reading, We have stuff on our site. We can send you some information, but you guys will be great. Just be honest. Okay. Can we communicate? Thanks, Jonathan. Okay, we'll do that.

Have a great night. Bye. Thanks. You too. Ah, I'm not in ejaculation. There's a lot of different ejaculation challenges. Pre-mature ejaculation, the late ejaculation, retrograde ejaculation, don't ask. There's a lot of different challenges.

I understand. I think that it's always important to get checked out by your doctor and then to work within the relationship. Also, I'm thinking he could definitely, I always talk about foreplay, not a suggestion or requirement for men too. Sometimes men could have, they could turn this into foreplay. He could give her, they could get into some massage and some teasing and some cuddling and kind of a huge fan of it. That also enhances intimacy. you know, you could, you know, give her, they could get into some massage and some teasing and some cuddling and

kind of a huge fan of it that also enhances intimacy. So as they're getting to know each other, I would also say, you know, take some time to to kind of work on your connection in that way and just make the communication honest, straightforward and transparent. All right. This is from Aliyah 26 in Washington. Hi Emily, so my husband and I have only been married for two years, but we recently had a baby. We don't have a lot of time to have sex, so it's always a quickie. My husband hates performing oral sex, but still wants me to.

I'm bisexual, and there oftentimes he just wants to have someone join us, but I'm just too jealous for that. How do I spice up our love life and get him to perform oral sex or for play? And how do I shut them down about the threesome without hurting his feelings? Okay, Leah, this, there's a lot going on here.

But first, let me get this straight. Let me play this back to you. You just had a baby. You gave birth to like a human being came out of your vagina. You carry, or you have to see section. I'm not sure, but you had a baby. You carried a child for nine months

and he's asking you for blow jobs and wants to outsource it to another woman who he might also disappoint because he doesn't want to go down on her. You had a baby so I feel like a and in fact what I tell a lot of couples is you might just not be ready yet for sex and you might just need some foreplay. In fact, my recipe if you guys came me, I would say, you know what? I think you got to give Alia some foot rub, some intimacy, you know, some back rub, some oral, like I think this is the time when you got to get off your feet and you need some some love and some pampering. So you guys have been together for two years and I think that this is just some conversation you have to have with him because he does, he hates oral sex and wants to be with someone else and you want to spice it up. Have does it. He hates oral sex and wants to be with someone else.

And you want to spice it up. Have you guys ever talked about your sex life? It sounds like things have moved really quickly. So if you've been together two years and you already have a baby, I'd say for a year, but you've been pregnant and now you've a child. So I think you have to rewind to the very basic sex talk here and you've got to have this conversation

with him straight off. I mean, you are telling me that he hates performing oral. So I'm just going to assume that he has said those exact words to you because remember sometimes we put words in our partner's mouth. Maybe what type he said, it's not his thing or he hasn't had experiences, but what you're saying is he hates it. So if he actually said it, you could say, babe, I want you to know that receiving oral sex from you is one of my biggest turn-ons. Can you tell me more about what it is about oral sex that doesn't agree with you that you don't like? And then just listen to his answers. If it's that he doesn't, he's

not sure that he's pleasing you. I mean, I've heard crazier things. He might say, oh, I do it all the time, but it seemed like you didn't like it for all you know. Peacupils have very different experiences in the same relationship. So, little mutual masturbation could be great. If he's like, I'm not sure what you like, the two of you, you know, you touch yourself, he touches himself, and you figure out. So, you can get your oral sex. I don't think that you in any way need to give up oral sex in this relationship or your pleasure.

You can also get a toy. Just make sure that you're getting yours because, as I said, having orgasms are so important whether you're in a relationship, auto-relationship, and definitely after you had a child, I think some orgasms would be amazing for you if you're not already masturbating. And then as for the assumption that you are bisexual and that you want some else to join, especially right now, when if you just had a baby, I'm assuming you're not really in the mood for entertaining or to have a threesome. So I don't know if you guys like arrange something around this or he assumes this is going

to be like a monthly thing, but if you're not really ready to have a threesome right now, I would tell him that that's something that's put on hold for a while. So this is when you speak up, you have the mom and the wife and the woman who is very, very specific needs that are required to be met, and either he's in or he's out. So I think that there's that less worrying about his feelings and more worrying about getting your message across to getting what you need in bad. This is from Emma 22, Australia. Hi, Emily.

I've been with my boyfriend for eight years. He's amazing and we have regular sex. It feels good, but I've never orgasmed. My boyfriend tries to go down to me and do things for me even when he's had an orgasm. He's always willing to keep going on me, but I never feel comfortable enough to be pleasure alone because I know I either won't like it or even if I do, he'll be going forever before anything is even close to an orgasm.

I also don't masturbate because I don't think it feels good. I've tried with toys too, but I just get over it after a few minutes. It's almost like I begin to climax, and then when I'm about to orgasm, everything fizzles out and I lose interest, thoughts. Okay, Emma, this is a great question. I think you sound just like how I felt about your age.

I wasn't really sure either about sex and what felt good, but this is really all about you. And taking the time to just go for it, to figure out your body, there is no quick fix here. You have to put in the time, but you guys, this is fun. Like I'm telling you, Emma, that you should try to nail, go to bed a little earlier, or wake up in the morning a little earlier, or just take a quick break, you take 20 minutes, 30 minutes by yourself without the goal of orgasm, just touching yourself.

And realizing where your rodgenous owns are, how do you orgasm? What makes you feel good? And you said that you used a toy for a few minutes, well, maybe you need to go in a lower setting, or for some women, a vibrator can be a little strong. At the beginning, you can use it over your underwear. Try some lube. I mean, the reason why we don't all orgasm so easily is because we're all different.

So we literally have, it's an inside job. We literally have to do this on our own. So I can give you all the tools. I can give you a lot of suggestions, but I'm a, you're the only one that's going to be able to figure out. And I think you're also willing your head about this too. So you're the only one that's going to be able to figure out. And I think you're also willing your head about this too.

So you're already going into sex with this notion and masturbation that nothing feels good and nothing's going to work, which I can also relate to kind of having that tape in your head that plays back all these things. But remember, they're not true. So the next time you sit down with yourself or with your partner, just try to be present and focus and breathe, focus on your breath and the sensations you're feeling in your body.

And any time you have those thoughts that are defeatist and that's not going to happen, just watch them go past you and go back to your breath and what you're feeling in the moment, whether it's in masturbation or connecting with your partner. And also, it's okay that this is a journey towards orgasm. You're not wrong. We don't have to fix you. Nothing is broken.

All I'm asking you to do is take some time, some self-loving in your bedroom to figure out your body. This is going to be good. You're going to love it. You're welcome. Let me know how it goes. Thanks, Emma. Be right back after this quick word from our sponsors.

Thank you so much for supporting them and after the break. I talked to Kevin who's wondering how to help his wife relax for some anal play. Hey, we have Kevin. He's 37 in Ohio and he wants to know how to get his wife to relax for anal play. Hey, Kevin. Hi, how are you doing? I'm so good. Happy to be talking to you.

Tell me what's going on. Well, wife and I have started dabbling into the anal play action. And when we get into it, I think she has a hard time relaxing. She often says even inserting a finger can be painful. And that's kind of about as far as we went. We've got some smaller plugs. And kind of gotten the same problem. Okay, well, do you do some foreplay first?

Or she has a clear orgasm first? I tried about... How do I say pretty stimulable? Okay, good. There's been times where she's had like 10 or 15 before we even get into that kind of thing. Okay, and does she want to try anal? She does.

She really wants it. Okay, so, because how many times have you guys tried now and it hasn't really worked? Hmm, about 10 maybe. Okay, because that's enough to make it seem like I feel like we got to try something totally different. So, at first of all, I would say maybe we need a little break, but also I'm wondering if it's um, is she really, because it's really all about your breath, like it's really like

deep, deep breath into your like pelvic flex. She breathes all the way down, it's like that full body in and out and just breathing. And maybe you don't even start with a toy and you said if the finger's hurting, maybe you just need to start stimulating the nerve endings on the outside because there's so many nerve endings that it feels great if you just take some lube and like use your finger to get her used to that conicensation because you're saying even a pinky hurts her, even a little bit. Yeah, I mean, not saying middle finger is about as much as she can tolerate it at any given point. Okay. Like you said, kind of warming up around the area and that general idea, that's say,

yeah, that's kind of what we do anyway. So I wouldn't say that's abnormal for us to go that route. Because the truth is, it can't be painful, especially the first time, a few times you try it, or for a lot of people, it's painful and they breathe and then it feels better once they get going, right? It goes inside. It can be first getting towards the opening of it and then when the penis gets inside, it can feel a little bit better.

So I don't know if it's just more about her, like deeply, deeply breathing into this or you just need to, like, I don't know, she's having really bad pain that she can't handle anymore, then maybe you guys need to take a break from it because what I would tell you is she has to breathe, she has to go slow, you can try different positions, like you could try with her, like in the spooning position, or her like laying down so she's really comfortable, like maybe she gets, you give her a full body massage, right, all over her body.

Like you literally massage her butt, her legs, her chest, and so she's like really, really relaxed, and like you could put a pillow under her back, or if she's lying on her side, that could be a way that makes it just more comfortable for her. So she's like elevated and comfortable. And then maybe use your pinky finger. And it's like, you just kind of go really, really slow and move it in and out. But if it's just seriously like after half of a finger,

it's too painful. And you're doing all of these things, you know, I might have to take a break or have her put a toy in herself. And then she's experimenting, but there could be something with you there that it's created a lot more anxiety now with the two of you, because I'm telling you, 10 times of trying and not succeeding, what happens with sex is a lot of our challenges are psychological, we get in our heads, and she's like, it's gonna hurt, it's gonna hurt, you know, and then she's thinking it's gonna hurt, and it might not even be hurting. She just might be afraid for the hurt. So I think. And I kind of think that's where she's at with it.

She's even tried on her own and says she gets somewhat progress, but not a lot. We'll say. I'm wondering if different positions. We've tried Doggy style and submissionary style, stuff too. I would have her lying on her back with like a pillow underneath her butt or like her lower back and then her legs go back like over her head or over your shoulders, you know, like if you're on top for missionary.

So she's elevated and so I would try that. She's spreading her legs. You're using tons of loom. Like you're just reapplying and you're just going slow and she's breathing. So every time you push in, she's breathing in, and then she releases, and you push in more. So when you start, she takes a deep breath, and then you throw us a little more,

either with your finger or your penis, and then she lets go, when she breathes out, you push a little more. So there's this whole rhythm to it. I know you've done it all. So Kevin, I'm not sure here. I don't know what to tell you, because if she's, and you think she's really in her head, so what if you just take the pressure off, and you're like, you know what, we it all. So Kevin, I'm not sure here. I don't know what to tell you because if she's,

and you think she's really in her head, so what if you just take the pressure off and you're like, you know what, we're not gonna do anal, we're not gonna try for another month or something. And maybe when you guys are out of town in a different location, do you guys have kids around? Are your life's best, okay,

do you like a vacation plan this summer? Right, so it can be kind of like, and if she's stressed in every other area of her life, it's gonna be really hard to kind of just fit it in, it fit in a little bit anal, if there's other stressed things happening, because it sounds like she's having a really hard time relaxing. Yeah. Why? Because we went on vacation and things got where she was actually like forcing my hand into her end to end to end no play, which is let's say out of the norm, but we were on vacation, so I wonder if that had something to do with it,

like, okay, it's new and fun area. It's always vacation. It's not magic. Vacation sex is so underrated. I want to tell every couple, like, I don't care if you have to just go into the same town and have your parents come over and babysit for three hours. If you could, out of your house, out of your bedroom, you rent a hotel room, obviously, a full on vacation is great, but a few days.

But just for moving yourself from the same place you have sex with the kids and the laundry and the bills, it's that novelty and that newness and that excitement that of like being in a new place together without all the pressures of home. So that's what I think you got to do. Take her away this summer, make her a whole thing, make it about her, get a babysitter and then work on it again, but also take the pressure off. And she's got, and I think if she meditates, that's really good. It sounds like in other areas, she just might need some relaxation, texties, some

yoga, some stretching. That's kind of what I'm leaning towards. She needs to get through her head to relax about it. And I even, you know, even let her try on me thinking if she could experiment on me, she would have more comfort with her and kind of that route. Okay. Well, I think that sounds good. I think that it's really about her right now and not in a, just in a way that she's the only one who could control her anxiety and I think doing meditation.

Because meditation is all about, you know, taking your mind off your thoughts during sex or during anything and then focusing on what's happening in the moment. So her breath, whenever she's thinking, oh no, it's going to hurt. She goes back to her breath and back to's happening in the moment. So her breath, whenever time she's thinking, oh no, it's gonna hurt, she goes back to her breath and back to the feeling in her body. But there's a great app called Headspace. It's a great meditation app. She could start with like 10 minutes a day,

but I'm telling you meditation is so helpful for so many people and it's game changer when it comes to sex. That sounds fun. Okay, Kevin, let me know how it goes. You're, you both wanted to happen, it's gonna happen. I promise you, take that vacation. Bye, Kevin. Yes, I'm gonna miss the way to happen. It's gonna happen. I promise you. Take that vacation. Bye, Kevin.

Yes, thank you. I made the way to go. It always is. Okay. Bye. Have a great night. Bye. Bye. You guys, vacation sex, vacation sex, go on that vacation and you know what? You're not a bad parent and a bad person if you leave your kids at home. In fact, I think that it shows that you're better parents because you are prioritizing your relationship. To take time, if you have kids that are of a certain

age, let's say they're three or five and you've never left town without them, it is time. But if you can't go on vacation, which I understand, or you just don't have time alone, so much of the things that we're talking about during sex are psychological, which is good news, right? A lot of our anxieties and insecurities are just coming from our mind. So meditation practice is, I mean, it's helped me with so many areas of my life. And don't get me wrong, I still have anxiety and stress, but the meditation allows you to get a handle

on your thoughts so you literally can control them and direct them or just let them go during sex. You can focus on truly just being in the moment, being present, being in your body, and having way more satisfying sex. This is from Gilbert, 43 in New York. Dear Emily, do women really want to be approached anytime and anywhere? Longer bet, parks, supermarket, after a date, is it okay to just ask if she wants to have

sex? Also, is it true that women are more open to casual sex? I ask this because of the hashtag MeToo movement. I'm a nice guy, I'm just lonely in life, need physical touch. Oh, God. We all need physical touch. I totally understand that Gilbert. So this is a really important question, especially in the wake of all the MeToo. And I feel like it makes sense that you might be a little confused right now about women want and thinking twice, which I think isn't a bad thing that a lot of men are kind of fearful if they've maybe been appropriate in the past. And I feel for you, because all want and thinking twice, which I think isn't a bad thing that a lot of men are kind of

fearful if they've maybe been appropriate in the past. And I feel for you because all we're getting now is a lot of criticism about men and what they're doing, what they did wrong, but we're not getting a roadmap for how to move forward. So as far as you approaching women, it's totally fine to approach a woman wherever you know, strike up a conversation. If you just approach a woman and you're not creepy and you just start talking to her because you're both waiting for your laundry to dry and then you strike up a conversation and you think she's attractive and you ask her out, I wouldn't lead with, hey, you want to go

have sex. I just, I would just try to like have a conversation and see if you actually like this person if she's into you too. I think as long as you're mindful and you're approach and you're more focused on a guy that she likes and someone she wants to hang out with rather than just saying, hey, do you want to have sex? That's what I would say about talking to me and approaching women. When I've most of the guys I've met and that I've dated, I've met in real life. I've met them at a conference or at a restaurant or walking down the street literally.

So it wasn't like they had some magic pick-up line. They were just cool guys and I started talking to them and no, it's not because they looked a certain way or anything else. It's like for me and for a lot of women, if a guy approaches you with confidence and he makes you feel safe and you have a good conversation, you're pretty much going to be able to meet a lot of people that way. And I also understand that it takes practice. So Gilbert, this might make you a little nervous, but the more you just talk to women without

even the goal of like wanting to sleep with them, I promise you, this will make life so much easier for you and probably easier to find women and talk to women. You'll probably make a lot more friends this way as well because even to woman decides she doesn't want to sleep with you, she would have a really cute friend. And as far as is it okay just to ask her if she wants to have sex? I mean, let me ask you this. I mean, think about it. If you're just like had a great day and you guys are leaving the restaurant or whatever

you did in your walk industry, and you just said, hey, you want to have sex? I mean, I know of a guy so that to me, we're having a great day. He's like, one of sex. I probably go running away. I'm like, oh, I'm piece out. It's off-putting. It's kind of be kind of jarring when we're just getting along and we're talking. So I would say no, that could be very weird and awkward for a woman.

And the best thing to do is just kind of gauge how you guys are connecting to each other. Is their chemistry? Do you want to kiss her? Like, I'd much rather have a make-out session and then kind of we're both getting into it and then we kind of know where it's going to go next rather than just abruptly saying, let's go have sex. So I think that what we're talking about here is a little bit of you slowing down and practicing talking to women and talking to people and making connections because once you make authentic connections

with people and it's not just about sex and it's not just about like curing your loneliness because we can all smell desperation, okay? It's an ugly, ugly alone. We can smell it, men and women, we put it out there. But the more that you practice talking to people or just having a fuller life and a community around you, you're gonna be a better place to meet more people and more confident in your skin and it'll make life a lot easier

and you probably won't have the same questions about escalating towards sex. Because the truth is, once you're in the space of truly being yourself, being authentic, being confident and coming from a place of strength, you're not gonna be wondering what comes next, what comes next, because it'll just flow, which is what happens when people have a real connection

and chemistry, it's a flow. So that's why I think you got some work cut out for you with this is fun, Gilbert. I'm telling you to go out and talk to women and get into a good group with yourself. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every listen to podcasts and share

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