Sex With Emily - Best Of: Boundaries Are Hot W/ Dr. Jennifer Freed

Episode Date: April 15, 2022

To create our hottest, most fulfilling sex life, there’s one critical thing we need – and no, it’s not flavored lube. We need boundaries, and the ability to express them to others.But what is a “boundary,” exactly? As a buzzword and an emerging concept, boundaries can improve every relationship, sexual or otherwise. So on today’s best-of show, sex therapist, author and my dear friend Dr. Jennifer Freed and I help you figure out what your boundaries are, how to set them with others (and follow through), and how to NOT let people steamroll over your values…especially when you’re a people pleaser.  For more Dr Jennifer Freed:Website | Instagram | Twitter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You know, the other thing I've very much been present to and so I want all your listeners to think about this, whether they're male, female or other identified. For a woman to set a boundary, she's often called a bitch. I got to tell you that has backed me up sometimes. You know, like, oh, I don't want this person to think this of me. If I say that wasn't a good job or you didn't actually do what you said you were going to do or whatever, I think that that's an underneath cultural narrative that has really pushed back on a lot of women from saying their truth.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. To create our hottest, most fulfilling sex life, there is one critical thing we need, and no it's not flavored loob, but I do love loob. We need boundaries and the ability to express them to others. But what is a boundary exactly? As a buzzword and an emerging concept, boundaries can improve every relationship, sexual or otherwise. Trust me. So on today's best of show, Sex Therapist, Author and my dear friend, Dr. Jennifer Freydeni, help you figure out what your boundaries are, how to set them with others and actually follow through,

and how to not let people steamroll over your values, especially when you're a people pleaser. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it, I encourage you to do it. My intention with this episode is to help you understand the connection between boundaries and hot sex. When you know the conditions that help you thrive sexually, you can relax into the moment and enjoy the deeper autism that comes from respecting yourself by telling others what you need.

Please rate review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, What to Do When Your Partner Says No to Try New Things is Up at SACTSWITHELELEcom. Also, check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithm.com slash ask Emily. Or just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show,

and totally cool to change your name or remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. You're about to hear Dr. Jennifer Frey and I talk about boundaries and why they're so essential to every partnership, especially if you want your sex life to flourish. But first real quick, I want to talk to you up front about codependency, which impacts so many relationships and also learning how to set boundaries as a way to balance your relationship. I really want to do a show on these topics because listen,

I can continue to give you sex tips and advice and you can really take them in. But if there's an underlying dynamic happening in your relationship, that you're not addressing, well, sex life's going to suffer no matter what. So let's go in and heal these patterns that are disruptive and possibly unhealthy so we can all get on and have incredible sex and healthy balance relationships. Alright what is codependency? So codependency is a tricky concept because on the surface it might just seem like well that's what you do in relationships. Of course we're codependent, you're

part of it becomes you're everything. They complete you. It's what we hear in songs. You know this idea of being helplessly in love with someone else. I'll do anything for them. It's portrayed as super romantic. When in reality, it's codependent. Because basically, you're putting all of your energy into supporting the people in your life and maybe just your partner without making space for or even considering what you need for yourself. What feels good to you.

So their needs are more important than your needs and that's codependency in nutshell. This is why so many of you still might feel burnt out or taken advantage of or stressed or anxious because we have no time left for ourself when all we're doing is caring for our partner. And just so you know, like a lot of dynamics, it stems from our family of origin. Maybe you grew up watching a parent who was codependent and you just repeat the pattern. I love this example from psych central of codependency and romantic relationship.

Okay, here it goes. Your partner is vegan. Well, you don't even meet, but you decide to also give up dairy for their sake, even though they didn't ask you. Their main interests, sci-fi dramas, backpacking, craft beers, become your chief hobbies, and you adopt their friends as your own. You usually spend time together at their apartment, since you know they really like being at home.

And often, you stop by to help tidy up, put away laundry, do some cooking. I mean, they're so busy with work that you know they'd let their chores slide if you didn't help out. Plus, your support reminds them just how much they need you. When they share concerns and frustrations about work, you're always ready with possible solutions. When they explain they just want to vent and don't need you to fix anything for them. You become annoyed and frustrated. After all, you're their partner. Shouldn't you just know how they should handle the situation? Sound familiar to you? Does it resonate? Well, with codependency, the need to support others goes beyond what's generally considered

healthy. And listen, it can be really challenging to keep a healthy sex life when you're constantly caring for your partner and you're not as aware of your own sexual desires and you certainly don't know how to ask for them. Now this is key. If you behave in a codependent ways, you're not just offering support temporarily just like your loved ones having a rough day or something's happening at work. you focus on caretaking. It's your main job. So the point where you kind of define yourself in relation to their needs. So here's some common signs of codependency. You have a very deep seated need for approval from others.

You have a pattern of wanting conflict. You have an excessive concern about how loved ones habits are behaviors. That's a different thing. We're all concerned about our partners, needs, of course we are. There are partners, we love them. It's excessive. It replaces your own needs, everyone else's needs, but your whole world revolves around their needs. You might even feel guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself, and you do things that you don't really want to do to make others happy. You also have an overwhelming fear of rejection or abandonment. So basically, your need to support others goes beyond what's considered healthy. Okay, so why is this bad?

I mean, maybe you're listening thinking, well, that doesn't sound so bad. You're a devoted partner, you're showing up at a relationship to be loving and supportive. But the flip side of codependency is not that great. Usually because one person's a caretaker and then the other one just takes advantage. They take advantage of you. They know you're gonna be there and then eventually one of you feels really burnt out

and they just keep taking and taking and taking and you feel depleted. So this happens all the time with sex. There's one person taking care of the other person's sexual needs. And when they're doing that, they're all about their partner's needs, their partner's fantasies,

when their partner wants that sex, well, they're completely neglecting their own needs. So this leads to poor communication and losing touch with their own wants and needs. And that's the reality of codependency. So what does the resolution then? What does a healthy relationship look like? Well, we really all want to be

an interdependent relationship Where you depend on each other you just focus on their needs or this is key Draw your value from self-sacrifice. I've done everything for them You're just simply available when they need you when they ask for support a healthy Supportive relationship involves listening Striving to deeply understand your partner, and keeping in mind the concerns of another person. However, codependency is when that caring behavior crosses the line to direct or control them.

A healthy dependence also means you state your own needs and desires. You ask for support when you're struggling. You let others know when they're asking too much of you without worrying they'll reject you. Oh, that's key. So a lot of why we don't state our own needs, whether you're codependent or not, or you're a people pleaser,

the reason why we don't state our own needs is because we're so worried and this might even be a subconscious, pre-conscious level. We're so afraid if we set up-conscious level, we're so afraid that we set up our own needs, they're going to reject us. And that's a learned behavior from childhood. That's why I'm taking time for this because I think a lot of us are going to recognize ourselves or our partners in this scenario.

If you want to know more about codependency, you can join Alonon, which is a great free 12 step program. A codependent no more. It's a great website and a great book. And really any book by PM Melody, PIA Melody will help you more with this concept of codependency. So what is one of the main solutions for codependency in a relationship? Well, boundaries. Boundaries are super busy today.

We hear about them everywhere, but I get it. They might be hard to grasp. I remember trying to explain to a friend of her 20s and she said, oh yeah, I learned about boundaries in elementary school. You know, there's something that divides states and countries, but She didn't learn anything about boundaries and none of us learned anything about boundaries and relationships. So if you think about it, teachers showed you a map and they explained certain types of lines are used to show boundaries between states and countries. And there might be a natural feature like a river, divided the property, but mostly the lines were not visible in real life.

And even though we couldn't see those lines, pretty much like states and counties like we respect them, countries, we respect the boundaries you cross over border, there's a sign, like welcome to Texas, we accept it, there's a boundaries and we moving into another territory. So it's easy to grasp those kind of boundaries, but in relationship, it's a lot harder because there aren't any literal physical barriers between ourselves and other people, but we need it. Oh, do we need it? We need to set our own boundaries.

But even when you think there's a boundaries like an office cubicle or a large distance, boundaries don't always work. This is why we need to set emotional boundaries because you're letting people know when they cross the line, how far they can go with you, what they should expect when it comes to your emotional support, your help, how can they seek your help or advice, even to know how frequently you're going

to get in touch with them. Do you ever feel guilty that you're not calling someone back or you're not always there for them and you feel like you're letting them down? Well, you just might need to set a boundary. Boundaries can be so hard to set. So here are some signs that your boundaries might need some attention. Saying yes to please others at your own expense. You don't get your needs bet

because you tend to fear conflict and give into others. You often feel disrespected by others, but you don't stand up for yourself. You engage in people pleasing behaviors in order to be liked and to receive approval. Doing whatever you want to get your needs met, believing that the limits don't apply to you. So, here's the thing though, boundary people are also highly compassionate. So sometimes it's hard to set a boundary because we feel like someone's going to be mad at us, but they're compassionate and I know that might sound counterintuitive, but when we don't set boundaries, we get resentful. But when we do set boundaries, we're giving everyone the information they need

to show up for us happily and enthusiastically. We are responsible for our own pleasure and boundaries are a tool to achieving just that. So when you do the work to find out what you need during sex, for example, or relationship and then tell people, well, that resentment is gonna melt away. We move out of caretaking, or out of depending on other people for our own satisfaction

and into the world of responsible pleasure. So here's an example of setting a boundary with a new sex partner. Okay, I can't wait to have sex with you. But first, let's use a condom. And if we can't, I'm going to have to refrain. I know, right? That sounds hard, but stating your boundary clearly and concisely is going to help you get your need met in that situation.

And remember, this takes practice, but it gets a lot easier. Okay, let's say you've got a long-term partner and they're in the mood for sexual penetration, but you're not. You could say, I don't want to do that right now, but I would be up for a cuddle, a massage, or making out. How does it sound to you? So boundaries are connected to consent, and consent is connected to your individual agency. So when we are in the habit of getting consent or sending boundaries, it is so easy for people to get lost inside their relationships and lose touch with what actually makes them

happy. But when we do create a culture of consent and boundaries, well, trust me. The sex becomes hotter because no one's caretaking and no one's dependent on the other first satisfaction. You're just two capable, adult, competent people and those are the precise conditions we need to have healthy sex, that's erotic, fun, and exploratory. In conclusion, when our emotional boundaries are respected, we feel valued, we feel honor, we feel safe, and boundaries can be healing.

They can help you not feel taken advantage of. And while maintaining boundaries can be difficult, it increases self-compassion and self-esteem by allowing people to prioritize their own voice, their own needs, and their own pleasure. Jennifer Fried, PhD, is the best-selling author of user-planets wisely. She's a renowned psychological astrologer and a social-emotional education trainer.

As a regular contributor to Goop, she's penned 10 books on personal growth and wellness and has been interviewed for her expertise by the New York Times Wall Street Journal, USA Today, and Bo. She's the co-founder of Aha, a non-profit equipping teenagers, educators, and parents with social and emotional intelligence to dismantle apathy, prevent despair and interrupt hate-based behavior. Find more GenFried at JenniferFried.com or on Instagram at Dr. JenniferFried or Twitter at Dr. GenFried. Thank you for being here today with me. I love to come and be with you because I think this is one of the most important topics we

need to unbuckle, so to speak, because we're shame lives, we don't feel alive. Wow, we're shame lives, we don't feel alive. Yeah, wow. And I think sexuality in particular is one of the biggest caves of shame that we all have. Even now, you know, and boundaries are all a part of that. Like, imagine a world in which every single person felt completely entitled to love their body, whatever shape it was, to love the sex they loved, to not like the sex they didn't like, the frequency, the timing. Oh my God, Jen. You just painted a picture of a beautiful world.

Yeah. You wrote this wonderful article from Rea Shriver, the Sunday paper, and I just thought, oh my God, let's finally break down boundaries what they are, why we need them. Well, they're a moving target. You know, one thing when we think of a boundary,

it's actually something that we're constantly having to decide in negotiating relationship. It's not like the boundary I made yesterday on the kind of quiet time I needed that day is the same one I might need today. So the most important thing about setting boundaries is that you have to check in with yourself deeply first so that you can be honest and authentic about what this current boundary setting entails. And in my article, it really covers the difference between implicit boundaries and explicit

boundaries. And I want to give my partner Rendy full credit. She came up with that concept. But once she did, I went, oh my god, that's everything. So let's break it down into implicit boundary and explicit boundary. Thank you, Randy. So let's just take the topic of touch. Okay. So implicit boundary around touch can go either way. It could be, let's say I'm hanging out with a guy I'm attracted to and he moves toward me and I'm not quite ready yet to do something. So I just move away. That's an implicit boundary.

Another implicit boundary with touch is this happens a lot with the teens I work with because they don't know yet. They'll get right in somebody's face and they won't ask permission to get closer, they'll just smoosh up right there. And all of this is implicit. They didn't say, hey, I'd really like to get closer to you and smell your hair. They just move right in. And on the other hand, if somebody's getting close to you and you don't want them to, implicit is move away, explicit is, hey, hey guy, back up a second. I'm not quite ready for this. The implicit is not stated. It's implied. And the explicit is when we actually have a very clear contract with somebody about whatever

that boundary might be. A lot of us just operate in the realm of implicit boundaries and then we have resentments because we were like, well, I thought you could have read my body language. I pulled away. Why didn't you know or I gave you a look, then how do we have explicit boundaries? So let's say I'm out with a guy and he leans over, tries to kiss me, and I distract myself. I pick up the phone,

and then I'm like, we should go. Time's up. You have a guy for an early day tomorrow, and it's because I don't want to kiss this guy on a date. And then I get home, and the next day's text to me, can we go out again? Can we do all these things?

And that, to me, was like an implicit, avoidant boundary. I was avoiding a situation. But what could I explicitly have said in regards to touch there? This is why I think most explicit boundary making you have to think about in advance. Oh, it's hard. Usually in shock when somebody violates a boundary. You're usually, you're in your reptile brain, fear, flee, you know, it's not shaming. I'm not ready for this right now. But you make it sound so easy, Jen.

I'm not ready for this right now. I'm not ready for this right now. I'm not ready for this right now. I'm not ready for this right now. I'm not ready for this right now. I'm not ready for this right now. I'm not ready for this right now. I'm not ready for this right now.

I'm not ready for this right now. It's not mean, it's not blaming, it's not shaming. I'm not ready for this right now. Right. But you make it sound so easy, Jen. I've practiced a really, really long time, and I'm not going to say it's easy, but like anything you practice, it gets easier and easier and easier

just to be upfront and honest with people. And I have found, unless they have a personality disorder, I'm going to make that disclaimer. Every single time people appreciate it, because you know, these women are men that are getting mixed signals and they don't know how to read them. They're coming back with texts, they're coming back with more needs, they're coming back. And now it becomes a lengthier rejection process. Right.

Now, here's the other thing, just because you say no to someone and someone's hurt, doesn't mean you do the wrong thing. I've appreciated boundaries. When people have said about me, I get a little bit like, oh, you know, because we're not used to it. But then I'm like, I really respect that person more. I know the lines to stay in. It's just, it's easier. It's way easier to say exactly what you mean instead of having everyone playing a decoder game. You know, it's just very hard because we don't have all the same signals and all of that. And I think there's one thing I do want to say because boundary setting is a vulnerable thing on both sides.

The person doing it feels very vulnerable and the person hearing it, obviously, that the most important thing is always safety, emotional safety, physical safety. So I'll give you an example. There's a lovely friend of a friend who's a really great woman. She came over for some reason, maybe an astrology reading because you know, I do that. And then she said, I live near you. I'd really like to strike up a friendship and have you come over. And I said to her, I absolutely adore you. Honestly, I do not have time enough right now in my life for my dearest friends. So I'm a no on that.

But don't take that as an insult. I just don't want you to misread this. Oh, okay. I'm so glad you brought this up, Jen. That is so tricky. I've had so many situations where people want to be friends. And then I feel so glad you brought this up, Jen. That is so tricky. I've had so many situations where people want to be friends and then I feel bad and then I make plans and I cancel. So just to let someone know, this has nothing to do with you, I actually don't have the

bandwidth right now to have the people in my life that I love. And guess what? I see her at my other friend's house. We get the warmest hugs and I feel like we're totally good. Because I really meant it, and it's true, and Emily, you're a lot like me. You've got your crew. You hardly ever see them. The last thing you need to do is add another person on the roster.

What do you do if you set a boundary with someone, and they break it, and then you have to set it again? In that case, I think the only move is to ignore their behavior and take a couple of days away and then have a conversation about the conversation. Like we had this conversation and then you didn't actually do what we agreed on, tell me about that. But you can't do it right in the moment because it's too hot because they're clearly not listening and so they're into some kind of complex themselves. I love that.

Tell me about it. What part of me setting this boundary didn't you understand? Exactly. It's like we had this agreement and you've violated it again. Tell me about that because it's not working for me. You've got to take a couple days off because people are very defensive because they obviously did something unconsciously. Unless they're openly hostile, then get the hell away from them. Because sometimes people won't adhere to boundaries because they have a little bit of

sociopathic or conduct disorder. And you really got to keep your distance from those characters. What do you do if you haven't set a boundary and then you have to retroactively set one? Well, to me, the first thing you have to do is inset a boundary and then you have to retroactively set one? Well, to me, the first thing you have to do is sit down with them and say we're so bad at boundaries. Like you have to own it. Like we're horrible at this.

And so baby steps like all name one I'd like you name one you'd like, you know, you got your scaffolding. So you really have to go back to the beginning and just declare with each other. You've been merged and you have never done boundaries and you're both pleasers and like, let's just figure this out now. Because boundaries actually make for better erotic tension.

Oh, let's talk about boundaries and erotic tension. Well, what makes you so hot for somebody in the very beginning is that they seem like a distinct other. A distinct other. They're not you. And the reason I think we get so sexually attracted to people is we want to kind of get through what we perceive as such a boundary of someone else. And the closer you get to people and the looser your boundaries are, usually the less hot for them sexually you are, because it's a distinct autonomous person that gets us turned on. So true. It's the unknown.

And then also even with King Play or dominant, submissive, BDSM kind of play when there's boundaries too, you know exactly what's on the table, what's off the table, and then you get to kind of play with those edges. You know, underneath all of this resistance to telling people who we really are, is a deep shame, a shame that it's not okay to want what we want and to be who we are. And let's say somebody's getting in a sex position with you, even though you like the other positions, and you don't want that sex position. I know so many people that will just go along with it

and hope it just gets over with. Yeah. Wow, wouldn't it be amazing, especially if you really want to have a good sexual chemistry to go pause? Let's go back to that other one or try this, you know? And in the moment with your partner, you couldn't say, yeah, I don't want to try this,

but I want to try something else. And it's just, I don't know, I guess it's just okay to say no. And also not make assumptions, it's just because your partner, and this goes into like the consent conversation as well, but just because your partner wanted something in the past, doesn't mean that they want it the next time you're together, they might want it to get in the future, but we can sit boundaries every time we're with someone as well when it comes to sex.

And that's why I was saying, don't ever think because you've set this boundary, even the next day it's the exact same conversation. Part of it is being nimble and flexible and creating relationships with people where we have this permission to not be the same person every day. Because who is? Let's be honest. Right. And that would be boring. Okay, let's talk about communication boundaries. I have such a good example of this. It's really touchy, but here it goes. So I have a close friend and he and I've been friends for a long time and every now and then in conversations

when I'm there with other people like at a party, he'll say something about, oh yeah, this person, they're Jewish. Oh, this person, they're Jewish. And I'd be always thinking, why the hell do you have to talk about whether they're Jewish or not? I don't understand. But I didn't ever want to confront him at a party because of what a downer. And I don't really understand what's going on here. So one day I was with him at just meeting him and his wife and he said that thing again and I go, Hey, let's call him Jeff Jeff What's with all the naming who's Jewish like hello? What is that about and he goes? Oh, you know, I love the Jews Like I love them

Okay, like and he's Italian he He goes, you know, the Italians, the Jews, I said, but I just need you to know how it lands when you keep pointing out somebody's ethnicity or whatever, is it kind of feels offensive? Like, why do you have to single that out about them? It's not a universal trait or something. And I said, so be careful with that one, because I think people could really misread you.

And now I'm understanding it's out of affection. He goes, thank you. That's a beautiful example. So the conversation one is all about finding the right time, having a really good, clear breath, because it's never good in reactivity, to say what you need to say even though it's scary. I mean, I was scared.

My heart was pounding. To say, you know, what's this about? I didn't know why he kept doing it. So it was scary. But I found out it's actually because he has this big crush on Jewish people. Okay, great. Okay, here's another one.

I've got example after. I love it. Because this is kind of my edge. Is today I was supposed to have this appointment on Zoom with a medical practitioner and they didn't call and they didn't call and I sent a text and I sent a text and they didn't call.

And then they were 45 minutes late and they called and I'm on my way to something. And it's the first time thing and this guy goes, hey, I'm so glad I caught you. Sorry, I didn't catch you before. It went to voicemail and I went, actually, it didn't, you didn't call me, it didn't go to voicemail. I don't feel comfortable working with you

because I don't deal well with people not telling the truth. And he was like, whoa, yeah, but it was real for me. Like don't blow smoke up the, you know what? Right. Weren't there? You didn't call. The phone tells you whether somebody called or not. But it was real for me like don't blow smoke up the you know what right worth there You didn't call the phone tells you whether somebody called right exactly. I said if you had just started this phone call With hey, I really blew it. I wasn't there when I said I'd be we'd be good You had to go why about it? This is such a great example of people show you who they are right away

I couldn't agree more with that because again, at our nonprofit, we've hired and worked with people as you have now for 21 years. And I promise you, without exception, no one that started badly actually was a good team member. Not one. So you kind of see people's colors right off. And if you're making a lot of excuses and rationalizations for them, and this goes for lovers too.

Well, let's talk about that. Well, I can't stand it when people are going out with people and like there's all these red flags just zooming, like they didn't text you back. They ghosted you. They sleep with you. They didn't, you know, whatever happens. And then the person's going, but oh, but then they were so this when I was with them. they were so amazing and bad and I'm listening going oh my god, this is never gonna work. I didn't talk. Well, also I can admit a thing I did years ago that might help your listeners.

I had a very close man friend. He was like my best friend and he was so hot and so attractive and flirty and a really good friend in some ways. And then he was exhibiting some very bad other behavior, but because I was getting so many benefits from these other things, I just kept turning my head like that doesn't exist, that doesn't exist because I was just getting fed on these kind of other levels of, you know, erotic friendship and he was really kind, there were other things. But there was some very bad behaviors going on and it ended up all blowing up in my face. I mean it really it's like the bad behaviors became cumulative and caused a certain incident that wasn't directly about me. But then I had to just go what the hell was I doing there? Right. Just because it felt great to have his attention. It wasn't good enough to compromise my values.

And I think to go back to why boundaries are so hard, Jen, I didn't grow up in an environment. No one ever asked me what I was feeling, my opinion, what I was thinking. And even if I tried to voice it, it wasn't entertained. It didn't matter what I wanted for dinner or where I wanted to go or how my day was. And so I think not having that practice in life, it was much easier to go along with people with what they wanted than to speak up for myself. And so I really had to learn through therapy,

through good friendships, people like you, Jen, dear friends, that it's okay. And when you do it, nothing feels better than setting a boundary. I even look back in the last few years, so many times. So Jen, yeah, I want you to go easy on yourself because I'm trying to do it, nothing feels better than setting a boundary. I even looked back in the last few years, so many times. So, Jen, yeah, I want you to go easy on yourself because I'm trying to do it as well. And I've been practicing boundaries a lot. And it's still hard.

And I'm going to tell you that it's like two steps forward, 10 steps back because, you know, the other thing I've very much been present to, and so I want all your listeners to think about this, whether they're male, female, or other identified. For a woman to set a boundary, she's often called a bitch. And I gotta tell you, that has backed me up sometimes. You know, like, oh, I don't want this person

to think this of me. If I say that wasn't a good job, or you didn't actually do what you said you were gonna do, or whatever, I think that that's an underneath cultural narrative that has really pushed back on a lot of women from saying their truth. I think you're absolutely right. That's it.

Or you're frigid. Or you're frigid. Or you're frigid because you don't wanna have sex. Or you said no. Or you don't wanna have anal penetration just because you don't. It's like, oh, then you're really like an uptight crude or something like all this name calling and underneath that especially for women.

We grew up, I grew up, you grew up having to defer our needs and wants in the primacy of a male relationship. Absolutely. They were first and foremost, what they want it was important. I almost feel like that was in like the doctrine of becoming a woman. Like if a man asked for it,

especially sexually or romantically, you want to be a good partner and to be a good partner, you had to say yes to them. So I want to say on behalf of the male identified people, I have noticed that that complicity that women were a part of and not saying their wants and needs have also created very Big distances in male female relationships

Because you can only think in your own lives when you've steamrolled your way into something It's not intimacy and it doesn't feel good So the fact that men aren't getting the true feedback is not advantageous to them either We're all benefited from setting better boundaries. I have a lot of friends whose moms have said to them, well, just give them a blowjob when they want one. Just do it, that's your duty as a wife. Well, but there's another side to this that I do want to say,

which is controversial, you know, which is this. There was a woman named Pat Love who was what she calls low testosterone. She wasn't that sexual in her husband who was an athletic coach. High T, very sexual. And so she was getting sick of how much sex he wanted. So she, as a scientist, thought, I'm going to prove that you don't need that much sex in your life.

It's not that important. So what she did is she started doing all this research. It kind of came out that it was important. So then she thought she would get shot up with some testosterone and just kind of see like major doses. She said she would and could hump anything all the time. Like it didn't matter to her. What?

When? Where? That she became a beast of like sexual desire. So then she had more empathy for her husband, but the whole point of the story is her recommendation and long-term marriages with women and men is if you've got a low T woman, sometimes it's the opposite, but if you have a low T woman and a high T man,

it is good to do quickies even when you don't feel like it because men get intimate by having sex, women need the intimacy, but it's kinda helped me in my mind, because sometimes in my long-term relationship, oh gosh, I don't really feel like having sex, but I always know that we're way better off when we've had sex.

Like it's just such a good thing to do. Yes, it's true. I don't wanna make it like it's all bad to give into sex sometimes when you don't want it. It's just got to really choose the why of it. Why am I doing this? Right Yeah, why am I why don't I want to like if you're just doing it to please your partner and it's something You don't want to do or an act you want to do fine But if months have gone by or weeks have gone by and you still don't want you still don't want to then it's Get yourself what is it that you don't want. And sometimes, honestly, in the long-term relationships,

you get lazy, lazy, sexual lazyness. And honestly, you don't have the same motivation. You have to practice sex to keep it going and get good at it with a long-term relationship. So, yes, I love that example. We come back, Dr. Jett and I answer questions about how boundaries affect your sex life. All right, Jen, these are some questions where I think we can apply some boundaries. We can help people with their boundaries setting.

This is Victoria 27 in Tennessee. She's a navigating being a unicorn on dating apps. She's 27 and discovered her love for being a third in a female female, male threesome, a female male female or a male female, all the threesome. I'm huge in communication, especially when having a threesome. However, I have three horrible experiences these past few times. Not sexually, that's been incredible, experimenting with things I've never imagined. However, a partner from the couple I would be seeing would go bat-shit crazy because of

jealousy after the fourth or fifth time we would hook up. I very much established boundaries, communication communication and limits before meeting the couples. A.K.A. will I see bover? Do you allow kissing? When texting, do you all prefer group, separate or all the above? The list goes on. However, the situation I was in recently was insane. Even after all the boundaries were set, are there any recommendations how to keep things just fun to avoid the relationship drama? I'm a unicorn because I'm mostly unavailable. Working with a therapist to get over some sexual trauma to fix that. Ha ha.

Alright Victoria, well, first off, good for you for navigating your trauma by still getting your needs met sexually, saying I am not going to get emotionally involved with you, which is why it makes it easier to set boundaries when you don't have your emotions in it. But if you've had three horrible experiences, what I'm hearing is that you saw the couples four or five times, and maybe that's too much. Because if you have sex with someone four or five, I can see the first time could be great,

but four or five times are some familiarity. One of the partners gets jealous because their partner is a little bit more friendly with you this time. So maybe that's a boundary that you have to set by rolling back and saying, I'm just going to be with each couple max of three times. I don't know what do you think, Jen? I'm just smiling so hard because I just love the courage and the bravery of this woman

that's just out there going, I want to be a three of anybody, you know, I just love it. I agree with you completely, Emily, I think that you can make all the rules in the world and they will never legislate deep dark emotions. Never, ever, not. And you know, jealousy and possessiveness, you cannot make a rule to make those go away. So too many times creates bonding and attachment for most people. I've realized that too when I've tried to keep relationships casual. And if I see someone once a week, it's fine. But when it gets into two to three times a week, you start to get attached.

It becomes a relationship, you know? So there is a big time component when you're thinking about intimacy and relationships and people even besides myself email, oh, well, it was casual. But then we started acting as if we were in a relationship, but we weren't. And that's because usually it's time too much time. Yeah, too much frequency of anything creates a kind of glue. Yes.

Okay. This is from Cat 28 in Pennsylvania. About a month ago, I matched with a guy on a dating app. We connected right away. We've been messaging back and forth ever since. I started to create an idea in my head about what he'd be like in person. I developed a huge crush on him. Finally this past weekend, we had our first virtual date. To my surprise, he was like nothing I imagined. I could tell within five minutes, there wasn't going to be any connection. The date went on for two hours because I couldn't figure out how to end it. Oh, I know.

This is a nightmare. This is a nightmare. Now, he wants to have an in-person date. But I'm not into him. I don't want her to his feelings or make him think he did anything wrong. I wasn't feeling it. Ghosting would be easy, but I know how crappy that feels. How do I tell him I'm not into them without hurting his feelings?

I love this because so many of us, we can eradicate ghosting right now. We can help people realize how to let someone know you simply don't have a romantic attraction for them. That's it. Not feeling it. You just say it. To me, my first thing is you just say, hey, it was so nice to meet you. Our conversation was great.

I don't feel a romantic connection to you. I don't feel that thing, but I wish you well with dating. I like your words the best. I don't feel a romantic attraction to you. And I think it's very fair game. If you've never seen anyone visually and then you see them, you're going to know within five seconds whether that's a fit for you. And I think it's really lovely and polite to say, you know, this isn't really great to meet you in a visual way, but it's not a romantic attraction for me. That's the nicest thing you could ever say to anyone. Yeah. And I think we have to remind people that you don't owe anyone anything. Isn't it interesting that you've one date with

someone you think, Oh, I don't want to hurt this person's feelings who I barely know. So I'm just going to ghost them, which is actually want to hurt this person's feelings who I barely know, so I'm just going to ghost them. Which is actually going to hurt their feelings more because we're so afraid of what fear people being mad at us. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so we just actually end up hurting it more because we don't want to have these conversations.

Let me ask you this Emily, because I'm curious, it's happened to me in my life. Yeah. Have you had anyone say to you directly, this isn't a romantic sexual attraction for me. Have you had anyone say to you directly? This isn't a romantic sexual attraction for me. Have you had it happen? I've had it happen. I had a guy say to be once, we went on a few dates and it was kind of hot, sexy, make-out sash and then he didn't, for like a week I could tell, he didn't call me or something and he said that he was starting to date

somebody. But who knows? maybe that was an excuse. But I've never had anyone say they weren't attracted to me in that way. That's because you're just too hot. But let me tell you, I have had that happen. Okay, tell me what happened. Well, you know, when I was younger, I was dating men and women, everybody all over the place.

And I would just hit on anybody. I mean, I was very like, I was just crazy. So there would be a couple of times that would be a woman or a man and like, I'm not into you. And guess what? Freedom. Freedom.

Don't take up my time. Don't take up my space. It didn't like throw me down a big hill because it wasn't like I was making my entire life on this one person. Right. I was just out there really seeing what was possible. Yeah.

Exactly. And it allowed you to move on quickly. I think that's the more honest we are with people. First off, we feel better about it. They're going to feel better and you're allowing them to move on quicker. Don't obsess about why you weren't enough for this person. There's so many people in the world too. I think that's a very healthy attitude.

So now let's go the other way though. Okay. I've had to tell at least, because you know, I was out there, at least 25 people, I wasn't attracted to them. So how many have you had to do that with? Oh, I've had to do it many times to people. And maybe I've blocked that someone said that to me. It's not, I don't think so, but I maybe, but I've said to many people, I'm just not feeling it. I just wasn't feeling attraction all the time. Even in some times you say it and they're like, oh, well, I wasn't either and they get

that attitude because they don't want to be rejected, but that's better than the alternative. So let them protect themselves, let them do what they need to do. And I think something else advice here, everybody in listening to Cat's story, she said they were messaging every day for a month until they finally met. That's on you too. I highly recommend that people do not spend months and months and months texting with someone and you haven't seen them yet. That is time you'll never get back.

You're building this image of a guy in your head and then you meet them and you know in five minutes. You can't get that time back. So let's have a recipe for that. If you're chatting with anyone or on the phone with anyone Get a visual within a week. Yeah, definitely not a photo Actual moving picture a moving picture Do it on FaceTime and I love getting to see some more online before you meet I don't want to drive cross-town sit down and be like

So okay, this is about cheating. This is from Rachel 24, Massachusetts. Love your show I learned so much. This is about porn, and I'd love your help. I'm a very open-minded person. Don't care if you watch porn or what you're into. My boyfriend watches porn, sometimes trans porn, which is fine.

But I saw in his phone, he messages trans escorts or female escortsorts and never goes through with it. And even though he told me he was a grinder, we had a long conversation about it. He was confused as to why he liked it, but he thinks it's taboo. And I talked to my own therapist, she said down to worry. I feel like he crosses the lines sometimes when he messages someone. I feel like it's cheating.

All right, being too jealous. I don't want to come off like I feel like it's cheating or right being too jealous. I don't want to come off like I'm against it. I would just appreciate some guidance because it makes me feel insecure sometimes knowing that it's something I need to work on. Let me know. Thanks. So this is interesting. So it is a great boundary question because only you I did decide in your relationship what is cheating and what is not. So this would be the matter of speaking openly now to see about her jealousy and about what a boundary is in the relationship because to some couples texting someone else, especially an escort, might be considered cheating and it might be hurtful. So there just might be some more, you need to maybe find out a little bit more about it.

I know he said to you, it's nothing, but I think saying, well, tell me what goes on in the moment. What do you feel in your body when you text these escorts? Because I don't really understand it. You could say to our Rachel, to me, it makes you feel like I'm not enough, or that you want me to be trans. I mean, I think it's normal that you would be jealous, though, if you find your partner's messaging someone I'm dating up. But I don't think it's cheating per se every couple gets to decide what that is. In their relationship, what do you think, Jen?

Well, number one, I would be so jealous. So I just want to say that. Who would be jealous? Number two, the very easiest way to find out what healthy boundaries are around something like this is say, okay, does that mean that tomorrow I'm going to start texting the certain kind of guy that I'm attracted to and not follow through with it but have these kind of erotic little flirtations. Is that like now what our boundaries are? Is that what you're hoping this relationship is going to be? Is this sort of

dalliance on texts with other erotic possibilities? Like let's really talk about it. And I know for me, that's for me, that would be a no, no, that would be a no. But God, I don't know. Like you're saying, Emily, that's up to you and your partners discussed. But I never liked the idea that somebody's doing something unilaterally. Yeah, exactly. You know, make it a discussion. Is this the kind of relationship we want? Right.

I love that you made it universal and you said, is about both of them, is this what we're doing now? Because I would, now it's my turn to go texting people if that's what we're doing. And even if it's not something that you don't want to do, Rachel, I think it's a great way to put it. I mean, Rachel, you found it on the phone, right? So you're digging for something and you just found it. So let's bring it all out in the open. And the other thing for me is, you know, you can't help who you're attracted to. That's hard

wired. I am so curious about trans attraction for this partner. And like, what is that? And what about it excites you? I think I have a little of that myself. So I think it's interesting. Yeah. So I think what is that? And then to talk about it and get real with it so that you can get closer to the person you're trying to understand? Yeah, because ultimately when we try to clarify these boundaries of someone, it actually ends up being a healthy conversation, you feel so much safer and closer to your partner. It's actually a beautiful thing and then you understand your relationship dynamic so much better.

It's clarifying, clarifying, clarifying. And the other thing I've noticed for myself that might be true in this relationship is the less that we can really talk about and be understood around our attractions, the more compulsive they can become because of the shame. Exactly. So maybe if your partner feels completely accepted around it, they might be less likely to do so. They might make it more about your relationship. Hey, right. That's when we act out when we feel

judged and shamed. All good points. After the break, we answer question from Samantha. Who's wondering? How do you know when it's time to escalate sexually and when to hold back? and when to hold back. Okay, this is from Samantha, 23 in New York City. How do you navigate sex and dating without getting emotionally attached? I feel like there are so many rules and conflicting opinions on when the right time is to sleep with someone and maintaining a good reputation being respected. For example, if you give in too early and then you're seen as too easy, how do I navigate these relationships?

So it's interesting, how does she not get emotionally attached essentially? You know, that's a tough one. I mean, it is tough to say, I don't want to catch feelings and now I did, and she wants to about sleeping with is, when is the right time to sleep with someone? I don't believe that there's a certain number of dates and times when you should wait three weeks. We had to decide the right time. So when you feel comfortable with someone, when you feel safe enough with somebody,

and also the thing about not when you get emotionally touched, I wonder what the, like we heard from our earlier email who said that she knows she's not emotionally available, but she's working through trauma and therapy. So I want to know what is it about getting emotionally attached that is an interesting to you? Are you working through that?

And then what do you think about this, Jen? You and I pretty much agree on everything. I don't think anyone can quantify the days, the nights, the whatever. That's all ridiculous. It's all exterior-based. You have to go with your inner knowing, but I can promise you this,

when and doubt sex is not the answer. When and doubt sex is not the answer. So it cannot be that you're having sex to try to bridge a big gulf of feeling connected. That's a bad reason. So to me, the best time to have the first sexual encounter is when you're feeling so intimate that it feels organic to the situation. It's great. If you don't know, you know. If you don't know, oh, I don't know if I'm ready,

I'm not, you're not ready. No, because why rush it? Uh, honestly, there's no reason to rush sex except for, uh, trying to bury insecurity. Right. Isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Because I don't want this person to judge me for not having sex with them and it make me feel or we have nothing to talk about. We better have sex. Right. Exactly.

Right. All right. Feel bad. They bought me dinner or whatever. I owe them something. Okay. This is from Hashem. My partner right now is into BDSM.

Curious and more into violence and pain than I am. Okay, this is from Hashem. My partner right now is into BDSM. Curious of more into violence and pain than I am, but I was abused as a child, and any violence pulls me out of the moment and I can't enjoy it. I tried, and I can't do gentle slapping, biting, scratching, and all that, but I definitely can't do choking

or any real pain or seriously aggressive stuff. I told him this early on, but he's still pushing it months later. There was a point last week where I got really upset, told him to stop, and it felt traumatizing. I wonder where boundaries have to be respected and not pushed, and whether violence is a boundary that should or shouldn't be pushed. I also wonder if this is just sexual incompatibility? If two people can't agree on the level of violence they're okay with. How would you advise people on trying violence in the bedroom?

What happens if one person is okay, but the other person wants it? I mean, violence is never okay. If you have a contract and you're in a dominant, submissive relationship and you have contracts and safe words and then you have some kind of sex play, consensually, that's okay, but this does not sound healthy to me. Jen. Major red flags, I think that any kind of aggressive act that is not in respect of somebody's spoken desires is a violation, and there's no excuse for it.

It sounds like this person is trying to rationalize like this is a sexual thing. It's not a sexual thing. But it's an interesting going towards that in a traumatizing relationship where there was abuse, but then sometimes we're often attracted to those things that are bringing up traumatic memories. So I would say that this is a time to maybe work through this stuff, get into therapy, and I don't think a part of it's pushing your boundaries over and over and over again is the healthy person for you.

Thank you for your email. Yes, and I do want to mention one more category we didn't get to. Oh, yes. Resources. Because this has shown up so much in counseling people that women or man, it doesn't matter, is giving and giving like, oh, the car, the food, the presence, and the other one's taking, taking, taking. Or the other one just takes it. It doesn't even ask for it. This is a very slippery slope when you don't have very clear boundaries around

who's pain, what are we own together, what's mine, what's yours? I mean, this is fundamental because I had a really good friend and God bless her. She would go to Bali and be with this guy that she was really hot for. And without even saying anything, he would expect her to pay for every single thing.

And, you know, she was a little blinded by the sexual stuff. But after a while, she'd be texting me and I'd be like, no, that's not a good deal. This is a great point. So he's making assumptions. And I think we see this in all gendered relationships, right? Where maybe it was that one partner's always paying and the person he's always taking is assuming,

well, they wanted to pay. They said they wanted to pay one. I think you have to revisit these conversations in all relationships or at least have for the first time. And then say, how are you feeling about, how we're handling our resources? So, Jen, give me some examples here too. Well, it's happened to me a lot because I am generous and then people might not remember. I think of one person in particular I was dating and they had less money than me at that time

and I took them out a couple of times and the next thing I know, they wanted me to take care of their son and they wanted me to walk their dog and like, there was a lot of assumptions about what I owed them And the next thing I know, they wanted me to take care of their son and they wanted me to walk their dog. And like, there was a lot of assumptions about what I owed them because of our differences economically and culturally. And it was really a touchy subject because I could tell there was a whole bitterness attached to like, well, you owe me because I come from harder circumstances. And I had to just say, this isn't working for me because yes, I wanted to take you out to dinner,

but I don't wanna take care of you. This isn't the arrangement we were making. We never talked about this, you know? It's such a fine line there too, right? Because then you could feel that someone starts getting passive aggressive often around money too. Well, you have all this money

and why wouldn't you keep paying for me? And sometimes we do keep spending our money and doing stuff like that because we just don't, we don't want to have the the tricky conversations. One more example because this comes up a lot here in Monacio. So I want to say this where there's the wealthy woman and then she gets the kind of hot, younger guy and he's like, so into it because she's going to be the sugar mama kind of thing. like so into it because she's gonna be the sugar mama kind of thing. And almost 99%. I'm gonna tell you a statistic of basically anecdotal experience. The sex goes away. Because who wants to f their mother really? You know, if you're the sugar mama, at some point,

that gets really disempowering. Yep. But what about though, women sleeping with their sugar daddy? Well, that goes more to our Psychology of we do things we don't want to do because we want to keep the gravy train. Right. That's very different. But I do want to say I had a great success with a woman that called me. She was dating a guy. He didn't have as much money. But he was doing fine. You know, it wasn't like he was rich, but he wasn't poor. He had a job. And I said, if you just follow this one advice, because she was independently wealthy, I said, this will save your relationship. Don't pay for him. Like every now and then, you can say, I'm going to trip. I'd like you to come all pay, but don't start giving a money and paying for him. And she would call me like every few months and go, oh, I just want to just pay, I paid.

But their sex life stayed alive. Because the boundary, he was a man, she was a woman, she wasn't taken over his life, even though he wished she would. Of course he did. Did he ever say anything toward it? Did he ever say wish you'd pay for me more? No, he'd drop pants like, oh, I only owe $6,000

on this motorcycle, you know, whatever. Right.'d drop pants like, oh, I only owe $6,000 on this motor cycle. You know, whatever. Right. People drop pants all the time. It's just don't fill in the gap. Keep the tension because when we provide people resources that they could have made for themselves, we give them a not-so-hidden message. You can't really do this on your own. You have to rely on me. And that's not sexy. Right. And then you're giving them a crutch. They can make the money. They can get out there. They're just sort of delaying something that they actually have to work on themselves.

And I love the money one. The money boundary is big. Thank you, Jen. How can people find you? What's exciting? What's happening in your world, Jen? I just... Well, I want people to follow me on Dr. Jennifer Freed on Instagram because I'm posting

my articles and some of my videos. And then JenniferFried.com, you can join the Venus Club. I really like to interact with people and know what's up. And my favorite topics are relationships, spirituality, astrology, sexuality, and social justice. So hit me up on all those things. And I'm just always so honored to be on this show with you Emily, because over this time,

we've known each other, I just love you more and more. Oh, Jen, thank you so much. You're such a dear friend, you're so wise. I love having you on the show and I love reading all of your things that you're doing and all of your articles. And thank you for being a dear friend. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 talk sex.

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