Sex With Emily - Best of: Coming Together w/ Celeste and Danielle

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

What do you actually want to feel during sex? On today’s best-of episode, my friends Celeste Hirshman & Danielle Harel, co-authors of Coming Together: Embracing Your Core Desires for Sexual Fulfillment and Long-Term Compatibility, help reveal your core desires – your personal, psychological motivation for having sex, and how to get that feeling in the moment.Celeste, Danielle and I talk about how sex can be a medicine for old wounds we felt growing up: whether you want to feel powerful, special, even degraded in bed – it all goes back to our personal history, and what we’re looking for when we have sex. We also talk about creating your hottest sexual movie, how to perform sexual breathing, and why – if you want sex to last in a long-term relationship – you really have to do this core desire work. It’s a can’t miss episode of sexual wisdom, whether you’re single, partnered, or simply want to know what gets you hot.For more Celeste, Danielle & Somatica Institute:Website | Instagram | Twitter | Youtube | FacebookJoin the Fall 2022 Somatica Sex & Relationship Coach TrainingTo Find a Coach Near You  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Your fantasies are the clue. You know, so even if you don't know what the wounds are and you never figure out what the wounds are, your fantasies show you what the turn-ons are. And you might get a lot of healing from your core wounds without ever having to go to therapy if you have the sex that you're looking for. You're amazing. Yeah, because there's such a deep self-acceptance that comes from it, your worth goes up, you feel in control of your life in a different way,

if you really get these fantasies met. And so it's very healing, even if you don't go to therapy. I love this. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So when do you actually want to feel during sex?

Have you ever thought about that? On today's best of episode, my friends and teachers Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Haral co-authors of coming together, embracing your core desires for sexual fulfillment and long-term capability, help reveal your core desires, your personal, psychological motivation for having sex. Do you ever think about why you actually are having sex? And then how to get that feeling in the moment. Celeste and Ellen I talk about how sex can be a medicine for old wounds we felt growing up, whether you want to feel powerful, special, even degraded and bad.

It's all good. But it all goes back to our personal history and what we're looking for when we have sex. We also talk about creating your hottest sexual movie and not the kind you're thinking about. But it's still one that's really important for your sexual development understanding your arousal. How to perform sexual breathing and why if you want sex to last in a long-term relationship, you really have to do this core desire work. It's a catmas episode of Sexual Wisdom, whether you're single, partnered, or simply want to know what gets you out.

Intentions with Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. Well, my intention is for you to understand the story in your head when you're having sex. We all have one. And once we understand the story we crave, the quality of our sexual connections can dramatically improve. I promise. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My article, How to Master Lotus Position, is up at sexwithemily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, leave me your questions or message me. Sexwithemily.com slash AskEmily.

Or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show, and totally cool to change your name or if you want to remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Sex Therapist Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Herrel are the co-founders of the somatic method of sex therapy and relationship coaching and co-authors of three books on sex and pleasure.

Coming together, co-cwardence, love that title. Making love real, the intelligent couples guide to lasting intimacy and passion. They are committed to deshameifying desires, helping clients revitalize low sex and sexless relationships, and teaching loving communication. For more Celeste and Danielle, go to somaticainstitute.com. There's a bunch of information there,

including the opportunity to sign up for their fall, 2022 sex and relationship coach training. And you can also find a somatic coach near you. You can find them on Instagram at Celeste underscore and underscore deniel and Twitter at ask somatica. All these links are in our show notes. In your words and I'd love you to explain what is somatica. Yeah somatica is an experiential method of sex and relationship coaching where we go into mutual vulnerability with our clients. And so they get to practice in real time erotic and emotional connection and we kind of like break it down into step by step, you know, sort of like learnable pieces. I don't think there's a lot of places to go to learn like how do you share your feelings with someone on a deep level where

the feelings are going in both directions or how do you share your erotic energy and actually bring a rousal in seduction so we teach that step-by-step. Yeah, let's talk about erotic energy then Sounds so elusive right it does what is erotic energy? But when we talk about erotic energy we talk about the life force that if we let herself really tap into it and feel it It's kind of like the source of energy that moves us in the world. But it's not only a mental idea, it's not only like a feeling or like connecting to the world through feelings,

it's really letting yourself connect to the world through a pussy and your cock. And we don't often really know how to do that. Now, a lot of how we start with that is breath. I'd love to do a little quick breath exercise right now. And I want all the listeners to do this because I'm telling you this is not some woo-y stuff. This is actually gonna help you get grounded and centered

and tap into what we're talking about, about the Rodic Energy. And if you can't do it now, I get it, you're driving, you're making dinner. We're trying to go back and do this later. Okay, so she's still few of them. Breaths wanna lead us. So take a breath.

You can close your eyes, you don't have to. But start by taking a breath through your mouth all the way down to your chest. Inhale and exhale. Ah. And the next breath, take a breath into your stomach. And exhale. And the next breath, take a breath into your pelvic floor. And exhale. Let us feel when you inhale, kind of squeeze your pelvic floor muscles as if you're trying to stop yourself from peeing.

So we're going to inhale and squeeze and exhale and let's go. Inhale and squeeze and exhale and let's go. Inhale and squeeze. And exhale and let's go. Okay, so I love that. That's such a great setup for your book coming together, which is out right now, is that by tensing and relaxing your pelvic floor or your kegdle muscles which many women can do that is the source of the energy That is how you're going to get connected to this part of your body That were also disconnected from even myself. It's my work believe me. I've had days where I'm like

I have a masturbated and I have an ed sex in a world You know and it also just helps ground you in day-to-day life What a lot of what I do on the show is I'm giving people tips and I'm talking I have a master braided head, I have an ad sex in a world, you know, and it also just helps ground you in day-to-day life. What lot of what I do on the show is I'm giving people tips and I'm talking, but the missing link is so often just that we have to get into our bodies and breathe and what I love is in your book, which is so great that you are really honing in on

our core erotic theme. And by doing this breath, I know it's one of your first exercises, then you can start to explore. Let's talk about why you're writing this new book and focusing on what that chororotic theme is. Yeah, so people come into our office all the time. They have low desire. They have erectile dysfunction. They're in a sexless marriage. And they're like, what's wrong? They're searching for the answer. You know, a lot of times, women will be like, maybe it's my hormones or something like that. And they haven't even thought about, you know, we're talking about physiological arousal with the breath and squeezing the muscles, but they haven't thought about

psychological arousal. Like, what makes our brain turned on? And why do we even have sex? Because it isn't just to get an orgasm, right? Like, the best sex, if you think about it, it gets like, there's this story that goes along with it. Like, all of these things happen and they made you feel particular ways. And that's what people need to be talking about when they're talking about sex. What do they want to feel from sex? That's like step one. And we call that their core desires. And so that's why it's

about finding your core desires. And then once you know what you want to feel from sex, then you want to know like what kind of sex you want to have. And this is what we call your hottest sexual movie. And so the book really paints a picture of like all of the you want to have. And this is what we call your hottest sexual movie. And so the book really paints a picture of like all of the challenges that people have and how learning about your core desires and your hottest sexual movie and then really teaching each other how to give it to one another gets you to your hottest highest sexual connections. So the first step is really like what do you want to feel during sex, which I think is such a great way to capture this idea is that we don't often think we're like,

I wanna feel good, I wanna feel connected, I wanna orgasm, I wanna be comfortable, but you're talking about no, deeper, go deeper, what do you want to feel? And it almost gives you so much permission once you realize that's an option. There's a way that I can choose to feel and then once I figure that out,

I'll know what it turns me on. Cause then we'll get into why fantasies are important to all of that. But let's talk about some of these feelings, like learning, like, what do I want to feel during sex? How do I know? Yeah, and again, like, as you said, Emily, like, most people don't think about sex this way, and I think this is what's so new and exciting about this book. people don't look at why do I go and have sex. What's my motivation? And we do go to have sex when we have sex. We really want to feel something. We want to feel, and everyone want to feel something different.

Therefore, the one size fits all scenes that we see on TV are not necessarily right for everyone, right? Even though they try to sell it to us again, again. Right. But we see what we see in movies are reporting me just like two people together. They literally come together, right, even though they tried to sell it to us again, again. Right. Right. What we see in movies are apporting me just like two people together. They literally come together, right? Are they seeing like, miraculously, right?

Did you notice that all the time the sex is good? And I was like, did you ever see a bad sex experience in their movies? Yeah. No. Yeah. Yes. Exactly, right? It's, I'm always shocked like, wow, and they really had a great sexual experience. Anyways. every time.

It's just why another reason added the list of why we're so messed up of how we think section really go down. Totally. So what we want to feel is actually something that we it's kind of like a medicine to a lot of our hurts growing up. And as we are, and it's something that we kind of want to feel in many other places in our life, too. But sex is an opportunity for us to really play with those materials and get a good resolution to it. That we get to play with materials that we have tension around them. And that creates a neurotic good tension. And we get resolution. So if someone is sure, if someone did not get a lot of attention growing up, right? So insects, they can go and really get like feel like she's the goddess and she's going to get a lot of attention

and people are going to seduce her and she's going to be the center of the scene. That's like a good, raising my hand. Great. And there can be many, many different feelings, right? And some of them can be, I want to feel accepted or I want to feel desired or I want to feel degraded or I want to feel in control. And typically goes back to our childhood. Yeah. I mean, I know for myself, I want to feel powerful.

And I think when I was a young person, there was ways where my childhood was very chaotic and one parent would leave and the other parent would leave. And I think there was a part of me that thought, like, I should be powerful enough to keep them there. You know, and so I think my fantasy is all about like power and the way that I feel powerful and sex is I feel special. So when somebody treats me like I'm the most precious or the most amazing or like they're giving me all of their attention or then I feel very powerful and I feel like, okay, they're staying. So it's almost like it's a

bomb for my abandonment fears. And it's really arousing because it's like, oh, yes, it's it. I've got it. This was a process for you to figure out like you want to feel powerful. So for example, I just pulled up this list here of all the words you may feel from your book. I'm going to give you guys a few like loved, calm, degraded, powerful, free, precious, beautiful, connected, considered, collaborative, exploitive, manipulative, adventurous, ravished, seen, dissolved, shamed, impressive, valued, I mean, it goes on, which is so great because

if people are at a loss, I mean, when you get the book, you'll be like, oh, you guys walk everyone through with exercises. But I want to say to you, so you know that you want to be powerful and you want to feel special. So would you say that you never actually want to feel generous or it insectsually. Like it doesn't ever copy like, oh look, today I want to be submissive. It's pretty much special and powerful. I think it all comes back to feeling special, but sometimes I get feel special by being generous.

Right. But then the person gets something that they want and then I feel like I've given them something that they haven't gotten anywhere else. So that would be what was generating my generosity. Right. So something you're never generous. What I'm saying is those are still the two words that are like your North Star. Exactly. That's what it comes back to. Okay. And then I'm going to ask Danielle. Yeah, I'm happy to share. So for me, it was a process

because I thought that I wanted to feel desired. And I still do want to feel desired. But if you're really, really narrowed down, I really do want to feel desired. But if you're really, really narrowed down, I really do want to feel powerful, but my way of feeling powerful is feeling fully accepted and feeling that my body is so amazing that my partner partners can get so much pleasure just by touching it and making me orgasm and feel great. So they get their pleasure through my pleasure and that's my experience of being powerful and accepted. Yes. I feel that I think we can relate

to both of these so much and that comes from childhood as well. Yeah, definitely. I did not feel very accepted growing up. I got a lot of judgment around how I looked and there was a lot of correction of who I am. So if I love her, I'm going to try and correct me. It's out. In the bedroom, there are no corrections for me. And I'm sure you let them know ahead of time. Yeah, I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,

very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, though, to know that we can take these, you know, childhood wounds and that they become our eroticism. But since so many people don't want to do the work, as we say, how do we go there if we've just kind of closed off all of our pain?

You know, you never have to go to therapy to get these high turn-ons, because your fantasies are the clue, you know. So even if you don't know what the wounds are and you never figure out what the wounds are, your fantasies show you what the turn-ons are. And you might get a lot of healing from your core wounds without ever having to go to therapy if you have the sex that you're looking for. You're moving forward. Amazing. Yeah, because there's such a deep self-acceptance that comes from it, your worth goes up,

you feel in control of your life in a different way if you really get these fantasies met. And so it's very healing even if you don't go to therapy. I love this. So the first thing we would do is we'd identify how we want to feel during sex. And then we do some breath work in the book, right? We kind of talked to each other and then you, what's the next step? I mean, you have to read the book. Yeah.

You can do all that. I was trying to under, I want to get to core. Yeah. But I really want to say that they think what's also really important about reading the book and therefore also what we find that's very powerful about the training as well is that people get exposure to different kinds of ideas that they didn't, you know, like we give you a palette of ideas because people don't know even where to look, you know, and then they start to see different ideas and different options and triggers for them possibilities

they did not think about before. And it also are really big as big as goal is to reduce shame. Because so many things are okay and people fantasize and want to do so many things. Yeah, we all have childhood wounds. Let's see how we make the best out of it and how we like use fantasy in sexuality in a way that allows us to feel Great about ourselves instead of feeling like we need to go into hiding and feel ashamed about ourselves And I love what you're saying about we don't even know what's on the menu Some people have a lappard fantasies some people have zero fantasies. They just know they want to spice it up

So what are some of the do do we even dare say common examples that have helped lead people towards finding their core theme? Well, I think what we do in the book is we take you through tons of different possible ways, everything from like what movies turn you on to books, to what are your fantasies, to a visualization. So we have so many ways to approach you discovering this about yourself, plus it's just full of people's stories,

our stories, stories from our clients, you know, people that we know who've been willing to share their stories with us. And so it gets that imagination flowing. And you start to go, oh, I could ask for that during sex. Well, that didn't even occur to me that I could ask for that during sex. And then you start to sort of like get to a sense of what you want. But we really rail against this one size fits all approach. There's so many teachers out there who are like, you know, do this particular kind of sex or do this particular kind of sex. And then anybody who doesn't fit into that is like, well, this doesn't turn me on.

There must be something wrong with me. But we're like, no, you need to figure out what turns you on. It doesn't matter what anyone else wants. Right. And it's so true. I feel like we feel so that there is a one size fits all. Like if I do Tantra, then I'll be at one with myself and my partner. If I get into kink or I can tell her things.

Totally. And if you have the spiritual movie, Tantra will be the place where you will blossom, right? But if you're kinky, then you need to be in an ad dungeon or somewhere else. Exactly. So it's like, you're not feeling good. Exactly. So you really have to find the right place for you and then your particular expressions and the more specific you get about what you want, the better it gets. Like, what are the exact words that I want to hear during sex? You know, like, and I can tell my partner that

and how do I want them to touch me and wear and when and what's the build up and, and then what do I want to do before sex that gets me all excited? You know, because sometimes it's not like what we're doing in the bedroom, but it's like, I want to be the lead up. Yeah.

It's the tease. It's all those things, right? Keeping your pilot light lit. As you say. And for some people, what you're talking about, all the tips, that people that really want to feel adventurous, and they like novelty, and that's something that is their core desires is to try different things. They would be like, they would want to get all the tips and tricks. novelty and that's something that is their core desires is to try different things.

They would be like, they would want to get all the tips and tricks. They would want to try everything on the palette. You know, that's what turns them on to try different things. Right. Which I think a lot of couples will be here, like boredom in the bedroom, like they are just, there's nothing novel, there's nothing new, there's nothing exciting. So we all constantly looking, yeah, for ways that could work again, everything's novel until it's not.

Yeah, but it's really, I think they're looking, they think they're looking, yeah, for ways that could work again, everything's novel until it's not. Yeah, but it's really, I think they're looking, they think they're looking for novelty, but what they're looking for is to find their core desire and their particular hottest sexual movie. And that's the conversation, like I saw you have, communication is lubrication, but what do we need to communicate about? And that's what this book is all about,

like that so you dial down like right away, okay, what do you wanna feel? And what things do you do, or do you want to have happened to you that make you feel that way? But what about couples where one partner is doing the work and the other isn't? Yeah, so the third part of our book is all about compatibility and how to create compatibility and we have different ways of communicating, creating compatibility and finding what works. And I think we help people talk about their core desires and the heart of sexual movie.

So the core desire is the feeling that they want to feel. And the heart of sexual movie is the how they want to play it out, you know, like from the words of the energy to, you know, the sexual movies. Do you have one? You can give us examples. We have plenty. Okay. Wait, let's accept. I know you do. us examples? We have plenty. Okay.

Wait a minute, let's examine. I know you did. That's why I love it. I just want people to understand that like, it's kind of your, your fantasy that you put together after knowing what your deep your innings are. And it is interesting because for example, you can have the same feeling, but you will need a completely different movie to create the feeling.

So for example, for someone, I'll go back to feeling special. I don't know why I'm up for that today. So if someone want to feel special, for some person feeling special might feel like, I'm going to be tied down and really my partner to take as much time as it takes to make sure that time you well and take really, really good care of me as they're doing that. That makes me feel special. For someone else, it might be more romantic and they're going to want to hear like words of how amazing and special they are and how, you know, eternal the connection is.

The hardest section of movie has its own importance. So what you want to feel is the essential. This is like the the grain. That's where everything starts. But then creating an elaborate movie that feels very different from one person to another, even if they have the same core desire is really important. It's like writing our own sexual narrative. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Well, what I loved about your training was it's been I was in 2016 so four years ago They haven't your training so mad at the training Has really grown a lot since then which I think it really shows that people are craving

Hungry for this kind of work because just talking I think it doesn't help us get into our bodies Where a lot of this energy and trauma and desire is just stuck. And so what I loved about that training was just learning, like I can learn how to navigate rejection or how to if someone approaches me physically how to kind of touching for my own pleasure, touching for their pleasure, diffusing touch, letting people know that I'm not ready for their sexual ventures. No, but it doesn't mean never. I mean, there's just so much I learned.

You guys, it was five. What was it? How many days are there? A year? We're doing 16 days now. I just don't know if 76 pages of notes were 2016 before they came in there. I was like, whoa, I learned a lot. So let's talk about your training because it is open for sex therapists and coaches, but just people who want to become more in touch with themselves. Yeah, and I think what's really powerful about the training is that you get to see, again, the dishamifying quality of it is very powerful because you hear people and you think people you know, like have the same story or everyone else's, you know, everyone else is better than you. But you come to this training and you see people are just people, you know, and you see get exposure to variety of turn-ons and variety of ways that people are.

And it's amazing. It gives people a lot of freedom and a lot of support to feel okay about themselves. It also gives you a lot of mirrors to be able to see who you are. And on someone else. In someone else's And someone else. And a very loving support. It is so much of it is about shame that you don't even know that you had, or trauma or fears.

I mean, it would come out for me all the time. I mean, I even remember the first exercise. The first day, and here I am in Spinn DeGrobe, I was in your group, Danielle. And the first is, I think it was groups of 12. Yeah. What we had to do was we just had to turn and look at the person next to us in the eye for what a minute or two or five minutes.

I was like, hell, first of all, I don't like breaking into groups. I don't want to look at anyone's eyes. I'm wondering if I get a flight back to LA. Like, can any of those things happen, right? And then I turned and I was looking at someone next to me and I remember we just looked at each other and I was super anxious at first. And I was like, oh. And then I just felt this like calm acceptance and like it just sort of, I just, I felt it, I remember feeling it through my body, like this warmth of like the anxiety dissipate

into connection and feeling like this is going to be okay. This is really going to be a safe place for me. That was day one. The next day I'm throwing people against the wall showing them how I want to take them. I'm like, this is just, we were, it went to, it was crazy, but what I love is it is taking, you know, clothes on. So we're not getting naked. There's not, or just maybe after hours, I just do tired. I don't know what happened there, but I, it really wasn't about this. really learning how to communicate on every level about what you want with someone else's. So I learned just so much through that as well

as working with the other students. I've made some of my closest friends there too. It's really friendships for a lifetime because you're going through it together. In a way that you are going deep. And so what are some common issues that people come to about? And then how do you work with them? Yeah? I think the top three are for women, low desire, for men, erect

out this function, and for couples, sexless marriage, low sex marriage, lossless bark, you know, that whole set of issues of like, how do we? We had, sometimes it's like, we had great sex at the beginning. Now it's terrible. Or we never had great sex at all. How do we achieve that? And I think that's a big piece that we cover in the book around compatibility because I think people think compatibility is something you're just supposed to have and it's like automatic. And so many couples feel so much shame and like they're failure because they're not just falling into bed together and everything's going perfectly like we see in the movies, right?

But that's not like that's why you have to have this step-by-step conversation where you figure out what do I want. And then you really have to teach not just tell somebody why you have to have this step-by-step conversation where you figure out what do I want? And then you really have to teach not just tell somebody what you want because if I say to you be more romantic with me It's like what does that even look like? Okay, but if I say you know what you're looking my eyes And I want you to take a deep breath with me and I want you to Gently caress the side of my face and then when you kiss me like come in kind of slow and don't just stick your tongue in my mouth Right away, but like kiss me like come in kind of slow and don't just stick your time in my mouth right away But like kiss me softly right like I

Have a list of sentences It sends she's dates meant and sends a list to them of what she wants But I had the best sentence to make maybe one of my best sentences ever It was like having my full-hot asexual movie in one sentence a student came up to me And he was talking to me at the end of the class and thanking me for all he had learned. And he said, you know, Celeste, you're every woman. And I was like, Ta-da, I'm in love with you now. Celeste, no, no, he's just in tune in. I can't take my students, but I was, you know, I can fall in love with them just from afar.

It is. You are. It means a way that you... So let's talk about that for a bit, because I think it's such a good point I get hundreds of questions a day. They're like, I told my partner to initiate more and they never do. And I'm like, well, what you've to explain. What does that look like with they initiate? How? What's the best case scenario for that? Or, you know, what? Make it so we just often, I think you're so right that we think sex should be effortless. We should never have to work at it. And when we do, there's a problem and it's probably my fault. I think a lot of women are like it's my fault. I guess men do it too, but I'm shameful. It's because I gain weight or it's because I'm not sexier. It's because I'm just a failure. And that's not the case at all, just that what you

guys are bringing to light here, Celeste Danielle, is that it does take work, but it's the kind of work that we work on. Everything else in our life that we prioritize Being good parents, being good friends, being a good boss, but yet when it comes to sex We still think it's like this thing in the ether that we can't quite control and so all the work that you do is somaticas Really like no, it doesn't have it's not some magical thing. There's like a method to this Yeah, and it's not just telling because we need to actually show each other. Like not just say, so I told you my whole list, but then I'm going to show, I'm going to do it to my partner. And then I'm going to have them do it back to me. So they really get the lightness

of the touch and what does the eye contact look like? And I think that's a piece that's often left out, even in the communication part, because it's like not just talk, but like actually experientially show your partner what you want them to do for you. And what does an initiation look like that would work the best for you? Right. And even if you do show it to your partner, even five times, or even 50 times, they might not get it right. Okay. Because what I see a lot in my office and a lot with students is that we kind of go around with our lands all the time and with our filters and we feel that what we like the other person must like to.

So even if we're told something, we can only do it a little bit like in a way that's right for us and it's not always going to fit the other person. So that's when we talk a lot about compatibility because it is finding those places that we can bridge and we can create something that works for both of us or understanding the differences and not like looking at it as if like, oh, you're not trying hard or you should try harder or you should do something different because there's something important about like knowing what you want, we have an idea of what would that look like. We're not always going to get it exactly the same way. I'm saying it and I'm very picky. Like it for me like is really hard for me to accept things that are not exactly the way I see it in my movie. Right. So training, panels. Yeah, and it's like the pace and the breath and you know,

everything has its own pace. And my partner needs to be very patient. And they need to like not take it personally as criticism. You know, like there's a lot of just like positive reinforcement about everything that they're doing right. And a lot of like, they're like, hey, that felt really good. Can you try in this angle too? Or can you try it a little, you know, like in the moment, I teach a lot in the moment.

I don't do a lot of talking ahead of time because my experience, it doesn't really work. It works for some people, but I'm so specific that it's like teaching ahead of time. Well, because this is okay. Let me draw this distinction because I always say don't have the sex talk in the bedroom. And what I'm talking about is the initial talk of like what's wrong with our sex life and you never initiate all this stuff because that's where most people are. But what you're right is like we're talking about refine refine refine it's almost being great athletes. But once people are in the bedroom and you're saying like little bit slower I love when you were

just kissing my neck so gently right there that kind of stuff is like you're already in that dance with your partner, co-creating an amazing sexual experience. So they know you're going to be talking like that. But if you just wake up tomorrow with your partner having sex and you're like, I don't know, maybe you could be like, could you touch me a little bit more here? Yeah. They might like that. But why find, is most couples have never talked about sex, That when I've had people call and say, my partner asks me something different and he must be having an affair. So that's why it's like, you guys are so in it

and I feel like the way is less than Danielle or doing it are like the way that I so wish the entire universe could learn but where most people are starting is just in a completely different, they have never talked about sex and if they have perhaps they were shame for it or they were ridiculed for the way they were doing something like most people I would say the majority are just this conversations that were started.

And that's what we created as a book. I can't give you the advice. Like you can say like, hey, I've been reading this new book and it says this and that and this and could we try this and we have two different ways in the book. One is teaching while you're having sex and one is what we call workshopping it. And you know, so sometimes people do need to kind of do it where they're not trying to get to like this perfect sexual experience and they need to be like, okay, we're in a workshop. That means we have the benefit of the doubt and everybody's like, we know there's a learning

curve and nothing's going to be perfect and there's probably going to be some giggling and some awkwardness. And that takes a lot of the pressure off. So some people can do it in that environment and other people kind of need more of that like serious container of actually going into a sexual experience to learn. So it's really like finding your style. That's so important. Exactly. Which I love that you give all those different modalities like they always say in life like take what you leave leave the rest. So there's a lot there to what you're going to grab on to. So let's talk about workshoping. Could you give me like a scenario, a couple would come in and how they would workshop something? I just have the example. Yeah, so I have like in my mind like an example of a couple

that she really wanted like more, him to be much more commanding and much more dominant. And he was, he didn't want to hurt her. So and she wanted, she didn't want to give any feedback. This was part of her need. Is she? And he really, my mind. I think part of what she wanted was to really

kind of be very, very submissive and not to tell him what she wanted and kind of let him do what he wants. You got a lot of pleasure from that. So I said, you know, like it's going to be really hard to run the whole scene like that. So let's try, like, you know, like, let's just try a little bit for a few minutes. Just play this chunk of how, you know, of how you want him to spank you or how he wants him to grab you.

And then give him some feedback. Many people also go to kind of like, translate a little bit, like they get very inward and very connected to their body and sensations. It's really hard for them to speak. Workshoping is great for them. Because then you kind of do a little segment. You come out to give feedback and say, like, wow, really liked your tone

and really liked the way you grabbed me. You know, the way you held me was really good. It was long enough and the pace was right. And now can I go back and be a little dormant again? And they try a different piece. And this is the two of them, not even when they're in your sessions. Although you probably do have sessions like that,

older, older, older, older people. I think that just makes so much sense, refined, refined. I mean, that's how we're going to learn how to be great lovers, just keep going back at it. And I think that once you will get through, which is what a lot of this book in your training is, the shame, the trauma, the fear,

it actually becomes, like I feel like for many, they enjoy it. They look forward to the workshopping. They actually start looking forward to sex again. It becomes another shared experience like a hobby. It's a kind of experience like a couple that learn to cook together, play sports together like your sex life can be just as exhilarating. Not just in the actual active it, but the act of becoming compatible and fulfilling each other's needs can be some of the most satisfying. And sharing your deepest thing. This is like brings you, brings to really deep intimacy.

If you start to talk about those things that really turn you on and those very, very delicate things about ourselves that we don't dare to share anywhere else and then we start to share with our partners, that brings huge intimacy. It's very vulnerable. We trivialize sex as though it's not that important, but when you're sharing this, you're sharing like, you know, we're talking about core wounds here and the healing from them, like you're sharing

your deepest vulnerabilities. And if your partner totally not just accepts them, but celebrates them, the level of bonding that happens in the face of that is profound. You know, so this is really important for intimacy. And I think the other thing that I want to say that's really important is a lot of couples, like they have really hot sex in the beginning because it's new and the honeymoon period and they're like uncertain and is it you know and they just like everything

feels like a turn on because it's a new person. But for sex to last in long term relationships you have to do this core desire work. Like you have to do the hottest sexual movie work unless you just happen to have such amazing compatibility overlap. But I would say, you know, that's maybe 10%, maybe lower, maybe much lower. Yeah, we don't hear from those people. We don't hear from those people. We don't hear from those people. You know, those people, but all I know is most people I meet need this kind of work.

We're going to a quick break afterward for our sponsors Celeste Deniel and I discuss how compatibility affects our relationships. Don't go away. Let's talk about though the compatibility component again. Do people come to you and they're just you work with them But they're just not compatible totally. I mean the first thing thing that we do is we try to find a bridge to see if there's some way that they can have sex together that turns them both on at the same time. Or we do turn-taking, right, where they like, I'm going to give my partner everything in their movie, even though it's not mine, or they're going to give me everything. In my movie, even though it's not theirs, and if you can do that generously without feeling

like there's some sort of like yuckiness to it, right? Then that all of that can work. So we try to maximize compatibility in every possible way. And that's what the book is all about. And then we talk about, okay, so really, if you're just not compatible and with all of the work that you've done, there's no way to get you there than what. You know, and we have a list of different options because even if you're not sexually compatible, that might not mean you need to end your relationship.

We're very close-minded in terms of, we're not very creative in terms of how to handle those moments. We have lots of options. What? Not monogamy. Not monogamy is one of them, just being with the disappointment and loving each other through it and staying connected in it instead of trying to make it go where, pretend it's not there. Even shifting your know, a lot of people

feel like, oh, breaking up means I lose this person completely. But what if you shift into a different formation in your relationship where you can stay lovingly connected? Like if you're family with someone, and you don't want to lose them, you know, but you don't want to be intimate partners in that way anymore. I think there's ways to shift that don't have to break. Exactly. Sometimes people decide not to give their heart a sexual movie with each other, but move to some form of like erotic massage, give each other pleasure that's more like, you know, warm sex style. Right. So like hot sex. You know, this is a thing. So let's say that I often hear people, my partner is really into kink or he wants to time me up And I'm not into it. So therefore will never be compatible

And so I just kind of point out here again the work that you do is that perhaps she this woman She knows she doesn't want that and maybe she thinks she doesn't want it because what she saw in 50 shades of gray So we just have such a limited view but maybe a she could learn to find out that oh that actually could be really hot Or maybe what we're also saying is she could learn to find out that, oh, that actually could be really hot. Or maybe what we're also saying is she still might never find it hot, but she could do the work finding what she wants. And then once they're both their needs are getting met,

she's like, okay, we'll figure out a way that he can spank me and then I could be a door in a church. Exactly. So there is a work around, but couples think I gotta bail if we're not good. Yes, and it's so sad. Yeah.

To look at like, how could this work? Because we barely can do that when we have arguments in other areas. But when it's sex, it's just. It's so complex. It's very complex. I think also the important thing is you talked about disappointments and sitting disappointments, which is a lot of work that I know we did when I was doing my training. We talked about like sitting with disappointment.

Such a great skill, I think. You think you just have most of us want to run? It's kind of essential actually. To be an adult, you need to be able to deal with disappointment because you're very unlikely to get everything that you want in your life, right? And people are going to disappoint you again, again, again, and your partner are going to disappoint you.

And it starts with the way they do the dishes, to when they decide to do the dishes all the way to how they have sex, you know, like there are many opportunities for the disappointment in every relationship. Okay. And every day, multiple times a day, and talking about those feelings and really not taking like as if it's such a big crisis because everyone's disappointed. Plenty of time, you know, so looking at it is like, yeah, it's kind of, it's a bummer and really be able not to be defensive around it and kind of listen to those feelings

and process them and really get to a place of, yeah, that really sucks. And then people kind of, if they let themselves feel the disappointment fully and stop trying to make the other person to be what they want them to be. There's such an opportunity for acceptance and it can lead to new and creative resolutions that could not think about before. When they were trying to make it perfect and avoid

disappointment or disappointing or fix every problem. Every problem in a relationship is not fixable, but you can actually feel and stay intimate and connected in the midst of them. For so many couples, it's like that whole process of giving and receiving sexually doesn't really fit. Like I feel like when we talk about heteronormative sex, how we've all learned of sex is at least for me as a young woman. And I'm sad to say, lots hasn't changed.

Every day I'm hearing from women, a lot of who are just like, as long as I please them, it's okay if I don't have my orgasm. But then I feel like a lot of men, and I'm speaking ahead of normative terms here, but this happens with masculine feminine energy, is that can you teach people who have been oriented towards always receiving, that yes, for example, performing oral sex on your woman can turn you on.

Like, it doesn't have to be a chore. Like, you're looking at the clock. I went down and knew for 10 minutes. How, like, I always say, I think if someone doesn't love it, it's going to be really hard to teach him how to love it. Like, unless they went into your training, is there a way to say, like, I need this. If you're fulfilling your part, or it's an extension of her or him, He wants more old sex because that's his penis and you love all of him. And how do you, can they come together? Are you sure you've examples of couples that you've learned to get off on the pleasing

and not just the receiving? Does anyone say? No, because then there's some that just can't, right? Because I think it brings it narcissism. No now it just brings us back to the core feeling, right? To the core desire because some people will never would never want to give. I'm just going to say it out loud and blunt. Please. Some people would never want to give during sex and only when I receive during sex.

And it's really a matter of compatibility because other people would really want to give during sex and get a ride through that giving. And some people, I actually have a couple now in coaching like that. And at the beginning, it was all about like, they're really connected emotionally. There's a lot of like giving emotionally,

but when it comes to sex, the guy does not want to go down on her, he does not want to do anything. And she needs to initiate by like, kind of like starting. It doesn't even initiate. He just wants, you know, like he doesn't want to, doesn't want to feel like he's imposing anything. So she needs to take her pleasure from it. Luckily, they're very open.

He's very excited about her having lovers. And she has a lover. And then he can join in and just get his parts. And they're like, work it out. having lovers and she has a lover and then you can join in and just get his parts and they're like, worked it out. But I had to work hard with her to help her separate between this idea that he doesn't love her and he doesn't care for her because he doesn't want to initiate sex and he doesn't want to go down on her because for her, this is the feeling of being special and being wanted.

I think what you're talking to is about all of the socialization. Yes. I think what we really work with, because for some reason they don't even know to try. Yeah. What we work with in our training is about like empowering, especially, you know, empowering women to know what they want, actually, because we're actually taught not to know what we want, actually. Right.

And if we do know where slots were. Exactly. And so I think, you know, if we're thinking your your knees, you know, she's just she's not even thought like who am I and what do I want in this realm? And so she's just giving her partners might be totally interested in giving. She just doesn't even ask for what she wants and that, you know, it's all automatic. Oh, I'm getting a blowjob. Great. Well, I don't know if that's going to happen. I don't have to. Oh, I'm getting a blowjob. Great. Well, I don't know if that's going to happen. I don't have to do that. It's not me. They might not come up with the idea until she says, Hey, I really need this from you. And then I think probably a large proportion of those people will be like, OK, that sounds great to me. And maybe there would be a small proportion to be like, no,

I don't really want to do that. You know, but I think it has a lot to do with the empowerment. Please. I think so. So that's right. So there are some people who might never want to go down in you. Like they just won't know matter. And that they could spend three months locked up with Celeste Danielle. They're never going never want to go down on you. Like they just won't. No matter what. And that's what they could spend three months locked up with Celeste Danielle. They're never going to want to go down on you. But then there's the people who just don't understand it. They didn't know you wanted it. Maybe they're afraid they're going to do it wrong.

So they don't do it. There's just so many other workarounds. And I'm actually seeing more and more young adults that really do young, young man that really do young, young man that really do want to please their partners. And they're just looking for opportunities to learn how to be great lovers. And they would love to jump out of their skin too. So what's preventing them?

I think a lot of it is many women don't feel okay about being, you know, about someone going down between them because they feel dirty or they feel like, oh my God, why would he want to do that? Women don't ask themselves, why would I want to go down on him? But they ask themselves, why would he want to do that? It is a lot of social messages. It is social messaging. That's what's going to change all of that. What do you think the impact, because you guys were doing this for 15, 20 years? Yeah, say it, 15 years. What has been the impact of pornography right now on people's sex lives? How are you seeing that work into your in your work? I think there's positives and negatives. One of the positives is that now that every single, hot asexual movie is put out on film and you

can access it right away, people are going, Oh, I'm not the only one who likes that. So it is deshameifying right for people who go and they find, Oh, there's a lot of people who want to like, you know, listen to balloons pop, make some orgasm. I can't remember that one. Or, you know, just sort of like much more obscure kind of sexual practices. And then, you know, that's on the positive side, I think on the challenging side is that

it's this unrealistic picture again with everybody moaning and, you know, I've known a lot of porn stars, they're not orgasming. They're great. So. known a lot of porn stars they're not orgasming. So let's talk about that. They're not orgasming. They're not orgasming. They're not orgasming. If they're squirting it's not going up like a fountain, like they're adjusting their

bodies it might even be real, right? Yeah, I mean I squirt like I found sometimes but you know, I mean the way it looks like a fix maybe. Yeah, I do. But I'm doing it like it's in my pleasure and it's for my pleasure, right? And I think they're doing it as a performance. And that's what they're paid for and that's awesome, but to expect that sex looks like that, you know, it's just unlikely, right?

Especially without actually talking about what you want. And you might want to have sex where you're like, oh, look at this movie. I would like to have something that looks like this. And you could bring that to your partner and you could try it. It's not just going to happen automatically, I think. And it's also like this sort of like heroin of sex, right? It's sort of like you can just go to your hottest movie. And then you might not just go to sex with another person

because you're not negotiating any of it. And it's like sort of like, okay, well, this is the easy route. But is it really like I like what you're saying? And I it. And it's like sort of like, okay, well, this is the easy route. But is it really like I like what you're saying? And I agree with you with the porn. The pro's is like it shows you what's on the menu. There's so much here. I didn't know where maybe it makes you feel less shameful.

But also, what if you haven't done any of the work and you flip on porn and you're like, oh, it's just sex. And then you assume that your hottest movie and then you have to keep escalating it. But then if you do this work, you might pull back and be like, oh, actually, like gang bangs just looked hot because I liked having all the attention. But, you know, I don't know. I just send you down a different road

though. Sometimes it maybe just a step. What I want to say, I'm a pornist. So I said, it's the heroine of sex, right? So it's totally bypasses seduction. It totally bypasses warm up. The warm up is instant, you know? Like, I can just have some porn with three minutes. It won't happen when I do it in real sex. I need much more warm up, different things. So people don't learn the skills that they need

in order to have real sex with real people. And they are very much used to this like quick turn on those that they need in order to have real sex with real people. And they are very much used to this like quick turn on and they don't know how to get turned on in a slower, more embodied way. Can we talk about arousal and how to get more turned on in a slower embodied way? Because I think you just nailed it that that is specifically what I think is missing. And that a lot of people are craving, but they don't even have the words for it. Maybe we say it's teasing or keep your pilot late lit

as you often say, what does that tease a rouse will look like? It goes back to a core desire, is in a heart of sexual movie, believe it or not, but it can be more embodied. What I mean by that is that people talk to you the way you wanna hear and whatever turns you on. People create the movie and the seduction. A lot of the movies is not about necessarily just the sex itself.

A lot of it is about the foreplay and the way you want to be touched and the way you want someone to look at you and what kind of energy do you want it to bring? Like, you know, like a desire, do you want them to bring a feeling of urgency? Do you want them to bring this feeling of like you're so precious or anything completely different. And so all those things can be very unique to every person. So there's no one way of seduction that will work for everyone the same way. Right. But just understanding, I guess, that could be what missing.

Because we're not just talking about different sex positions. No, not at all. Sex is about the entire app, which I think when women are walking around saying they have that could be what missing because we're not just talking about different sex positions. Like sex is just about sex. It's about the entire app, which I think when women are walking around saying they have low libido, they have low libido, they're waiting for just to strike them over the head. Like now I'm going to be ready for sex and that never happens. Whereas maybe their male partners are turned on right away, right? Because they're more spontaneous.

So or may I might say to their partner like, what do you want? But she thinks she can only tell him positions or ways of touching her and she doesn't think oh I can tell him what I want is for us to go out and have the beautiful dinner together And I want you to hold my hand and looking in my eyes And I want you to tell me that I'm the most beautiful woman that you've ever seen right and that is getting her pussy wet Right exactly and and she doesn't realize you can ask for that and the you know Her partner doesn't realize that that is the thing that's going to get her revved up and really horny.

So they miss each other. He just skips it all together. They're like, wow, we have an identity in ours in years. That could be the thing that turned you down. You just think that all of these things are factors about having incredible healthy sex. Yeah, we see people go on date nights and it's like, well, they go and they sit at a restaurant and then they talk about the kids and the mortgage. It's like, that's not a date night.

You know, that's something you can do and you're living with. If you're gonna go on a date night dress up, you know, or like, if you like bondage, go to a club. You know what I mean? Like, you're not in this area. Like, that actually meet your movie. Or even talk about what your movie is.

I did, that's a good date night. Yeah, that's a great, don't go. Like, that to me. I did it. That's a good date night. That's a great day. That's to me is like just that is the perfect date night. Yeah. And they could like take your book, come together. They could read it together. Yeah, because the book has really 25 pages. That's all I got because I know in barcodes. But the book has really good instructions and maybe we won't give everything away. It's a really good step by step instructions on how to have the conversation,

because it's a very delicate conversation. And especially if there's been arguments in the past around it, you wanna create a really safe space to have this conversation, because it can deepen intimacy or it can explode. What are some of the mistakes of people that you see over and over again?

Just like, oh God, that is not how you do it. The mistakes that make it explode. When the other person is telling you and you think, well, I don't want to do that. And you start making the face of like, oh, that's disgusting and that's horrible. Instead of just going, oh, I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do.

That's beautiful. You know what I mean? Like it's, if you can just accept it, there's telling me something. There's telling me something intimate about themselves. And so this sort of pressure of like, I have to meet every single one of my partner's needs, makes people shut down around hearing

the beauty of their partner's story. So that's an example. And it makes the person who tells the story shut down as well because they feel completely criticized. They see the look on the face and they're like, oh, never mind, I didn't want that just joking. Yeah, that's not my yow's. How's your duck, you know?

Exactly. I think it makes face. And the sad thing is that it just takes one kind of, like people call in all the time, like, well, I tried to talk to my partner five years ago, like literally, or three years ago, and they just had none of it. And then they'd never bring it up again because this fateful, like, you know, uh, scorn look that we don't even know, there's just like, I'm done. I'm shut down.

I'm never talking about it again. Yeah. So hoping up those wounds in the past, this is not a quick fix, it's a process also. Yeah. And you can just make like one bad conversation. I had a conversation with a partner at the first time that we went out, we went together for years afterwards and I had said something that he took to mean that I wasn't going to be turned on by his sexuality.

And like, we never cleared it up. He said something to you. He said he was dominant. Because I said I'm not really that turned in on by a submissive men, which like was a generalization that didn't even true, you know, but like he heard that and he's like, well I'm dominant, but he wasn't really dominant.

He was actually submissive. And so like, I mean, we eventually did have the conversation and like it's a long story. And like, we were able to have amazing sex in that realm. But it was like, it just sat there in the middle of our relationship and just festored. I think we had to bring up the tape. This is what I heard.

Yeah. And they said, oh, I didn't mean that. It's so often of what we hear is not what we say. Yeah. And like, the way that he was submissive was actually really hot for me. So if he had like not taken it so badly, but how it's going ourselves.

If we do, I'm fucking people from how they fucked themselves out. So they could fuck better. Also, like people get so hooked into titles, you know, like submissive dominant. It can mean so many different things. So really like getting to the details makes all the difference in the world and not trying to like again like put your own perspective on what would that look like, but really listen well, really open-minded and see, why are we curious what they're going to say? Why are we curious? I never heard anything about submissive.

Let's start from scratch now. Be curious. Exactly. Let's just be curious. Be curious because it's so easy for us to blame our part of the second they bring up sex, I'm failing you. I think that's where many people's mind go to. Okay, so what you're saying is we're talking about this. They can read your book. So now what? So we are co-producers with Jessica Habby,

and here she comes TV, and we are working on fictional series. Hopefully it's gonna get to TV somehow. It's gonna be still there. Yeah, and the whole point of it is to really demonstrate how different world of having sex and... The conversation. Yeah, sexual relationships, but also emotional relationships.

I mean, I think we don't see really good varied sex diverse sex depicted. And we want people to be able to see like not just like it happens automatically, but what is the, you know, the show is about two sex coaches like Danielle and I, and they're kind of up and coming and they're getting all of this flack from the, you know, anti sex world. And at the same time, they're working with clients and they're seeing, you know, how can we create these amazing sexual experiences between these clients? And then you get to actually see the sex.

You're actually having sex. So you're watching them have sex. You're also watching the build of the arousal. Exactly. And the conversation. And so it's not just the automatic, right? It's the like, how do you actually create this between people? And we're showing the conversations,

showing the erotic conversations, like the core desire conversation, the hottest sexual movie conversation, we're showing the emotional conversations. How do you work through a challenge and relationship? How do you have repair in business partnerships within your dating and marriage relationships? Like, it's again, it looks so different

because you know, you see an argument on television and it's like, who's wrong? Who apologizes? How do we fix it? That's what it looks like. And it's ridiculous. That's not actually how deepening of intimacy happens at all. But it's not depicted in film. So we want all of this to be depicted. And some of the people can find on your YouTube channel right now. What's on our YouTube channel now is there's short segments

that actually show real sessions that we do with people, which is our Lysomatic Acesions. It's called Somatic Acesions. And also on Somatic Acesions on YouTube, they also have the full session. We have like six or seven sessions of 40, 40 minutes or 45 minutes where people can see full sessions with different issues that people bring. And that was also produced by here, she comes. I love that you're providing that because I think in getting this, it might seem esoteric or maybe people have never really gotten into this work. I think in watching the way that you two work

in just a 45 minute video, they're gonna get it. You're not gonna get your book. Yes. How much together? I think what people will be most surprised by is the level of intimacy and connection that we go into with our clients in a safe container, you know?

So there's boundaries that are really clear. And that means we can practice at this depth of intimacy that's, you know, that helps people grow in profound ways. And that's what we do in the training. That's amazing. The intimacy, I think intimacy is such a misunderstood word that people often think it's just sex. Of course, we're intimate, but it's like it's actually the depth that comes from trust and vulnerability and opening up around everything, but specifically sex, which can be so healing. Like, I love that you've the quote earlier, when sex isn't a problem, it's 10% of the relationship, everything's fine, but when sex becomes a problem, it's like 90% of the problem.

It takes over. So if you guys heal people's sex lives in this way, I think it's so profound. And I know that you do. And I don't think people have any idea when intimacy is. I think that's a big part of what we teach, you know, because people go for like longevity, right? Like we've been together 10 years. It's like really, well, are you intimate at all? You know, like do you talk about who you are? Do you accept the differences in each other? Do you support each other in being your unique selves even when it scares the other person, right? Like that's intimacy as opposed to like, let's just not rock the boat.

Let's all pretend that we don't have these thoughts that might upset our partner and not say them. And then intimacy just floats away. You can stay with someone for the rest of your life and not be intimate with them at all. So we are like really about intimacy. And I think, you know, we want to help people be intimate. And for me, what's homematica is all about is actually helping people have as much pleasure, attachment, joy, connection as possible

with as little pain and trauma, right? Like maximize all the good stuff, minimize the best stuff, and have it be in deep emotional and erotic intimacy. I love the way I said it. And it's in all of our reach, like I'm not even asking you to buy anything, maybe the book, but like really it's communication. It's using your words in a way that it's okay. You don't know how because no one was taught these.

Yes. Accepting the fact that people are different, you know, as opposed to like just getting so angry that your partner isn't just everything that you thought that they were supposed to be for you, you know, we don't complete each other. No, we don't. I always have that ridiculous if you complete each other. So I'm just broken. Do you get there? I've just been broken. Have a person. And also this idea that two people were born

meant for each other. Like, yeah, it was born me. You were born you. We might have some things in common, hopefully. We definitely are not born to complete each other. Yeah, we are not. But I want to say one more thing about coaching, because our training is also to, you know,

we train coaches to do this work that we're doing. And use the somatic message in their practices. And I want to invite people to look at going to a coach as this wonderful thing that they can do for their depth of relationship. And it's like, you know, like people are so easy to hire coaches to go to the gym, you know, like to get like, our business or business to get like such a better perception and better accuracy around how they do things. I look at somatic coaching exactly the same way. You get a coach to help you get the most out of your life and life and out of your sexuality. And you know, like, I want it to become mainstream. I want people to say, oh my god, let's go to see a sex coach to help us talk about stuff that's much harder for us to

talk about. I love this because I am always saying, you know, sex therapy, but you know, now I always mention you guys, but a sex coach and you have them all, they can work with you or you've coaches now under bed with you. So they could just go and could the beast Skype calls if they're not in your city because people we cut people all over the you know the world. Yeah, we have people all over the world now all the US we have Canada there's people. It's amazing how they would find a coach by going to your site. So I'm gonna get institute find a coach near me. Look at you guys. Yeah. I love this. It's so happy for the work you're doing and that it's so easily accessible or readily accessible now for people. And I think it's worth it.

I don't know any couple or if individuals who are struggling with orgasm are struggling with right? Right? And desire. Right. Right. All this function, any of those things. And they have to find out what turns them on in order for any of that to get fixed.

So do you think to fix a lot of these things obsession with porn, no orgasm, it's goes back to the core. Oh, come back to it. And that's how it's kind of like one solution, but it's actually a very delicate, personalized solution. So it's not one size fits all. It's actually like, oh, yeah, you will go through your own inquiry about what really turns you on. And therefore, you will start to get the sex that you want. And therefore, you'll be turned on. That's how it works. Thank you so much for being here. I have five questions. I asked all my guests. So I'm going to ask you. Quicky questions. Okay. So last, biggest turn on.

Feeling special. Danielle. I feel like my body is giving everything to my partner. Biggest turn off. Corrected. Be corrected. Yeah, feeling like I'm not important. What makes good sex? For me, getting this level of attune man and getting this like all what I said now correct me

Yeah, I mean just feeling adored and precious and desired connected to What would you tell your younger self about sex? What didn't you guys know before? It's a great question What didn't you guys know before? It's a great question. I always tell myself, my younger self asked for everything that you want, which is what I learned from Danielle right here She's really good at that. I think I could make anything and do a good situation when I was younger usually But now I get much more specific Honestly, I would say you've got it girl go for for it. Like, you early on, but I'm not that sorry.

It was really like just just trusted. Yeah, trust it. Trust it. Okay. Well, number one, sex 10. I like that's been the whole conversation. I saw a show. I was never a sex director.

Find out what your core desire is. I got it. I want you to have a sex of more. Exactly. Thank you so much, Celeste and Danielle for being here. You could find them all at somaticinstu.com or Celesteandaniel.com. Check out the new book coming together. This will all be in the show notes as well. Thank you for being here. Celeste and Danielle, come back soon. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. That's it for today's episode, see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles

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