Sex With Emily - Best of: Curious Questions to Ask Your Partner w/ Jamye Waxman

Episode Date: July 9, 2022

How much do you know about your partner’s sexual language? Or your own sexual language? In this best of episode, sex educator, author and licensed therapist Jamye Waxman is here to talk about core erotic blueprints, sexual accelerators and brakes, and the sixth love language: space and freedom. Jamye and I talk through the communication skills you need to help your sexual connection thrive, because if resentment is the relationship killer…curiosity is the relationship healer. So in this show, you’ll learn how to turn your communication style from critical to curious, as you and your partner learn who you both are as erotic beings. Show Notes:For More Jamye Waxman: Website | Instagram | Twitter | FacebookThe Secrets to Better Sex? Talk About ItMore About Your Erotic BlueprintCome As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Love is listening, observing, validating and empathizing. So if you can do those four things not necessarily in that order, but it's the way it works with the spelling of the word, that that is love, right? So if you can listen to your partner when you hear what they're saying, if you can observe, notice how they're feeling. You can validate their feelings, even if you don't agree with them. And if you can empathize with their feelings. Again, you don't have to agree with their feelings,

but you can say, I can understand why you feel this way. Like it makes sense that you feel this way. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So how much do you know about your partner's sexual language or your own sexual language? Well, in this best-of-episode, sex educator, author and licensed therapist Jamie Waxman is here to talk about core erratic blueprints, sexual accelerators and breaks, and the sixth love language, space and freedom.

Jamie and I talked through the communication skills you need to help your sexual connection thrive. Because if resentment is the relationship killer, curiosity is the relationship healer. So in this show, you'll learn how to turn your communication style from critical to curious as you and your partner learn who you both are as erotic beings.

For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you all to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could this episode help you? My intention is to make curiosity a core value in your relationships. We talk about sex on this show, but my opinion curiosity doesn't just help us in bed. It helps us in life. So after this conversation with Jamie, you'll know how to ask anyone productive questions. The kind that leads to mutual understanding and maybe, just maybe really hot sex. Please rate review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, The Secret to Better Sex, talking about it is up at sexwithemily.com. And check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sex with

Emily. For more sex tips and advice, you won't ask me questions. Leave me your questions or message me sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode! As a sex educator turned sex therapist, Jamie Waxman is passionate about working with individuals and couples around relationship, gender, and sexual issues.

She's also a speaker, filmmaker, and the author or co-author of several books, including Getting Off, A Woman's Guide to Mastervation, and a book we wrote together, Hot Sex Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight. Find more Jamie on Twitter at J-A-M-Y-E, Instagram at sextherapistmom, and at waxmansextherapy.com. Well, let's talk about the couples who are not in crisis, but they actually have showed up and decided to work on themselves. Yeah, it's really interesting. I love to give whole-market assignments. And so I will definitely start people off with just some quizzes and some other things that they may or may not have done. I know you've talked about this many times, the five love languages quiz. I love that quiz just to get people

talking about how they give and receive love. And I like to add that sixth love language, which is space and freedom. Right? That is a real love language for many couples. And to acknowledge that in a time when you don't have a lot of space and freedom is really permission giving for any difficulties that are showing up in the relationship if there are. And also it allows them people to think about how they can create space and freedom in a contained and confined way. I really think that that extra-love language opens up a lot of eyes and doors for people in relationships. So we'll start with that. We'll also start with the core erotic blueprints. I like to just

get people into what's their sexual language to, right? Whether it's sensual, kinky, sort of all over the place, sexual or energetic. And so I give people these quizzes to like, have a starting off point to say here's my love language And here's what I like sexually Jaya did a great job with coming up with these sex languages to let me understand right where they fall So from there we have lots of ways we can go I love this Jamie the sex languages. Yeah, I know that she does those erotic blueprints I think that is very interesting. I don't know can you give give me example, perhaps, of some of them? Because if couples have different

sex languages, for example, somebody's more kinky and somebody's more energetic, for example. Yes. So whatever ones you want to explain. I mean, those are two great ones because they are sometimes different and they are actually sometimes very similar. So somebody who's energetic is really going to be around by just, could be breath, right? It could be being in the same room and really just getting close to their partner's skin. It doesn't necessarily even involve, it involves more of a sensual piece, but it doesn't necessarily involve sexual stuff, right? So people who are really into meditation may feel really energized by a partner who

meditates with them. Again, these are just some examples. Gaya speaks a lot about being energetic because that I believe is her core blueprint. And then somebody who's kinky is more into potentially like deprivation of a sense, right? Which in the energetic may actually limit some of what you're feeling, or heightened senses in some ways that don't have to do necessarily with breath. So it's about maneuvering two different types of energy, two types of sexual energy together. So somebody who's energetic who's into breathing with somebody who's kinky, and here's just one example, right, you may put a blindfold on them them and focus on breathing and just find a way to do things that work together. So I find that I feel like with the erotic

blueprints that people have a general idea going in to what they are, but they don't necessarily have the language to talk about it. And from what I remember, from the time that I took this quiz, we'll send you videos showing you how to work within different couples. So it really gives you a toolbox to say, here's the language of what I identify with. And from here, let's look at the language of how you identify and let's see how we can find some common ground. I love this. I think it's such a great to kind of cut through it because you're right. They might have a sense of what they are. but even in that way, they don't really know

how to express it and what it even looks like in actuality. Like, if I know that I met a giant egg or I'm kinky, sometimes you just like, but what do we do? Like, what is the sex acts that follow? What are the manifestations of that? How do we combine those two things? Right, and so it's not a deal breaker. Well, we're also saying if someone is very kinky

and someone's a little bit more sensual, the relationship isn't gonna have to end. If anything, it gives you a larger playground. Right, it's about using your skills to enhance your partner's experience, I will say. It gives you a lot larger of a playground as long as the other person's blueprint doesn't really turn you off. partners like experience, I will say. It gives you a lot larger of a playground, as long as the other person's blueprint doesn't really

like turn you off. If there's like a no deal, and if you're not open again, asking about what you mentioned before about change, if you're not open and receptive to change, then it doesn't really matter, whether or not you are, you know how compatible you are or where you're at, you have to be open and accepting to change. And I, you know, how compatible you are or where you're at, you have to be open and accepting to change.

And I, you know, I love just this idea that it doesn't always have to be 50, 50 in the sexual relationship. And a lot of times it's not, which I think causes resentments in some couples. But with these blueprints, or just knowing you're lovely, what you're whatever,

knowing that sometimes you'll get your needs met more than the other persons and that it's okay. As long as it feels like there's a nice balance. I think that's also really important. Yeah, it is the balance. And then having the language to even talk about it. Now, what do you do, Jamie? If you have a couple that comes in and they realize that a lot of their judgments around sex

comes from a cultural upbringing. Maybe they were shamed. Because I get couples ill, my wife won't listen to that. But they're projecting it onto their partner. Yeah, they're projecting it onto their partner, or they don't even really want to talk about sex, but I'm not sure they'd show up in your office

if they didn't even want to talk about it. But this is what I get so much. I go, I told my partner I needed this, and they said, no, you know, or they think it's wrong, or they won't masturbate. A lot of people call and say, I can't get my wife to masturbate.

So anyway, I guess it's unpacking the stuff that we feel not comfortable talking about said or expressing ourselves. Are there like exercises you give couples to unpack that? I mean, there's two things that show up for me. One is in the language, right, which is the difference between you and I and we'll go into that in a moment. And the other is the sexual shame narrative. And so what I will do in that situation,

I may even work individually even within the couple or for a few moments around this, but as I will say, tell me about your first sexual messages. What can you remember as your first sexual messaging? And then how was it received, right? So for example, somebody could have been shamed for masturbating and getting caught. Oh, I had pleasure.

It felt good, but I was told it was bad. I mean, you probably talk about this one a lot, right? Or I, you know, I felt really good about how I was dressed, but I got in trouble on school because it wasn't appropriate. And so these confusing messages. So or my religion told me you have to wait until marriage. And I really didn't want to. And I felt, so whatever, you will find a contradiction in some space in your sexual messaging almost

without doubt, almost undoubtedly. And I think you really start to impact that contradiction. That works really well, especially if you're seeing it a lot in a couple's work, I would definitely work with the person if they were open to it who has the sexual shame message going first. And then bring it back to really dissect. The other difference is what you mentioned about this example of a husband or a wife saying to their partner, you should masturbate, right?

You should. You should, yeah, you should. You shouldn't do it. You shouldn't do it. You shouldn't do it. You shouldn't do it. You should. Yeah, you should. You should. You should. You should. You should.

You should. You should. You should. You should. You should. You should. You should. You should.

You should. You should. You should. You should. You should. You should. You should. You should.

You should. You should. You should. You should. You should. I notice that because you don't masturbate, I feel less, I feel more confused about how to approach you for sex. I notice that because you masturbate all the time, I'm telling myself a story that you don't want me, right? So it's not about you are doing this to me. It's what I'm noticing about myself. Or I know that you masturbate a lot with porn. I feel shame that I don't look like that.

I feel like I'm scared to get naked in front of you because I don't look like whatever it is. But it really has to be you owning whatever is going on for you and not projecting what's going on for you is your partner's problem. Even if there is a's going on for you is your partner's problem. Even if there is a part of that, that is your partner's problem, you have to first, and I think it works more effectively to actually take the stance of less defense and more curiosity. That's a word I use a lot with my couples.

How can we get curious about this? That is so good, Jamie. That is such, such helpful advice. You know, and I think I think we should all take a beat on that and think like, what is the kind of conversation you want to have this weekend? And a lot of our instincts, our impulses are to be reactive. Like you never initiate sex anymore. You never tell me I'm beautiful.

You never, but nobody hears what you're saying after you. So to say, I notice, I notice that when this happens, it makes me feel this way, because no one can argue if you bring it back to your own feelings. They can't take that away from you. There's no way. They can't take that away. Jamie sees a lot of couples.

And you know, for sex therapy, helping them with communication, and an interesting thing that she's reminded me of is that it really is such a great thing if you're a couple and things aren't, you're not in crisis. Like you're not in crisis, but you're like, I wanna continue to improve our relationship, communication to go into therapy then. When things aren't horrible,

but you just wanna keep growing with each other. And so, Jamie said you've been seeing some couples come to that as well, and there's some new ways you're having them talk about desire and their sex lives. Yeah, and to really get curious about what it is that they like about what they're doing and what they wish they could be doing. I mean, I've said this since my days as a sex educator in my early 20s, that everything else about our lives, right? Like our hairstyle where we live, with job we have all of that, we have permission to change. But something happens when we get into a monogamous relationship where the sexual

piece doesn't feel like it gets that same attention and permission. And I think it's really important to revisit our sexual relationships with ourselves and with our partners. On a fairly regular basis, that might mean a few years, that might mean a year, right? Like whatever that means to you, that part you get to decide. But another thing I really like to do with couples is to talk to them about, this came out from research from the Kinsey Institute.

Actually, more importantly, it's an Emily Nagaski's book. She based it off some research, I believe, come as you are. And it's such a great book. And it's all about accelerators and breaks. Your accelerators are things that get you going right and turn you on and your breaks are things that turn you off. And I have couples sit and talk about some accelerators. And it's really interesting

because them just saying things out loud like, no, I really like when you tell me what you like. And then realizing, I can't, I actually have a really hard time doing that. So it brings attention to some things that maybe need to be highlighted or a break like when you, you know, take your hand and put it on my head and like expect a blow job, that's a turn off, right? So just really be able to talk about these things in the non-sexual setting, in a very safe setting, because here you have a witness to it all. So you're going to stay civil for the most part.

I will say that not all couples there will be a safe civil at all, but you're gonna stay civil and you're gonna be able to have the conversation without feeling like you're being rejected or criticized because it's more about being again curious. Jamie, this is great. I love the accelerator and the break. So couples can sit with you and say, this is what really turns me on. And this is what turns me off.

And what's so interesting about that example is that you were saying that for one of them, when you tell me what you want is the accelerator. But the break, the other part of the say, that's a break for me because I don't know what to say when you ask me what turns me on. Don't go anywhere after the break. Jamie and I are to keep going at that, but we have a call, and I feel like Justin really needs our help right now, and I think we should help Justin. Justin, 30 in Pennsylvania. Hey, Justin, how can we help you? What's going on? You're out with

Emily and Jamie Waxman. Hi. For several years, I've noticed over time and whatnot that I have a really hard time actually, like expressing my actual motions as they are. If it's anything other than joy it usually comes out as either anger or i just kind of go numb and kind of shut down and whenever it comes out as anger it never ends well and it i feel like my point never gets across

whoever it's with their obviously going to shut down only because i get upset about it and I mean I've had I recently just had a small things where I was able to actually express how I was feeling my wife and It felt good, but I don't understand how I Came about to actually being able to express the emotion properly, if that makes any sense. Mm-hmm. Justin, thank you so much for this.

I think that it's really common that so many people, especially men, and we're not raised in environments where it was okay or it was safe to express your emotions. And so your question is, you said that you were able to successfully do it, and you want to be able to tap into that and know why you were able to do it. Is that your question? Yeah, I don't know if you might, either y'all might have some kind of insight on, I don't know, certain methods or something that I'd be able

to try and focus on or angle towards to try and get myself properly express how I'm feeling without it coming out as anger because it never ends well. No, it doesn't. Justin, I love how self-aware you are. And I love that you're asking this question. I'll let Jamie. Jamie, what do you think? Yeah, I just start.

A couple of things. First of all, Justin, I mean, she just be aware that if it's not joy, it's anger. Anger is probably the easiest emotion to express and it is the tip of the iceberg of emotions. And there's so much that goes underneath whether it's sadness or guilt or shame. So just to notice that anger is the easiest emotion, you're not alone in that. I will say two things. One is I'm going to give you a formula to talk to your wife and anybody else that will be helpful if you can follow it. Love is listening, observing, validating, and empathizing.

So if you can do those four things, not necessarily in that order, but it's the way it works with the spelling of the word, that that is love, right? So if you can listen to your partner when you hear what they're saying, if you can observe, notice how they're feeling, you can validate their feelings, even if you don't agree with them, and if you can empathize with their feelings. Again, you don't have to agree with their feelings, but you can say, I can understand why you feel this way. Like, it makes sense that you feel this way.

But yeah, that's the thing said, you're asking for a formula, and so I'm going to give you one. say I can understand why you feel this way. Like it makes sense that you feel this way. But yeah, that's the thing. Instead, you're asking for a formula. And so I'm going to give you one. It's a formula for non-confrontational exchange. And it starts with an observation. And I was actually doing this a little bit when I was talking about how to talk to your partner

without being defensive. So it's an observation. I notice. I notice that I'm starting to have a similar reaction to when we have this conversation before then the second part is observation Feeling I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling frustrated. That's a lot like under under anger frustration comes a lot or so does resentment I'm feeling frustrated about Whatever or I notice that when you ask me to take out the garbage,

this is clearly, you know, probably not what your conversation was about, I feel frustrated, then it goes need request. So the formula is observation feeling need request. So I need to tell you this so that we can start to work on changing this. So here's, so that's the need. The need is whatever you need to, I need to share this to sort of start doing things differently. So here's my ask. I'm gonna ask that you take out the garbage tonight

or every other week or I'm gonna ask that we, you know, whatever again they ask is, but that formula really works. If you can stick with it and use your eye statements. Observation, I notice, feeling, I feel, need, I need, request, I ask, whatever word you want to use there, ask isn't the right word. But that's the formula. That's good. Yeah, is that helpful? Justin, do you want to roleplay it with us?

Is there anything a conversation that you've been wanting to have that we can help you have it here on the air? No, I just felt so good to actually be able to open up. I've been very much like coming up on 10 years now. I mean, we have open conversation about sex, I mean, we're explorative and we don't really keep anything from each other. I just, I know she said to me before that she has wish that i'd be able to express myself better and then actually

i guess i saw joy in me being able to express my issue properly with her that kind of the drive and then you you're talking about topic july right now kind to urge me to call in. I want to be able to.

Justin, there's one more thing that's showing up as you're talking. Yeah, no, Justin, I'm so glad you called in. This is really brave and it's so helpful. And I just, I love how you are really looking at this in such a healthy way that you want to be show up in this way. Before you can say James.

Well, I was just going to say it. Even hearing how Justin's talking now about being able, the appreciation he had for being able to express himself and for his wife being able to hold space and to get it and that he really felt close to her. That's another thing that's not a formula, but it's called sharing an appreciation. And I think couples should be doing this as often as they can.

I will admit that I sometimes resisted in my own relationship, so there's no perfect, right? But you share an appreciation with your partners. So even right there, Justin, I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciated that the other day I was able to share something with you in a way that you heard it. And it felt, it brought me so much joy. That would be a great thing to say. I agree reinforcing it and letting her know how this has really impacted you and that

you'd love that you look forward to continuing on this path and of expressing and being emotive and sharing your authentic feelings because you probably, it sounds like you've had a, and this is common, you've had a life that wasn't really encouraging towards you being emotionally real and honest, you know, could be something in your childhood, you didn't feel safe, but just know that it's a practice and you just took one step on this incredible journey and you're 30 years old and you sounds like you and your wife are really in a good place where you can just grow together. I think just go easy on yourself because it's a path, right?

Yeah. For 30 years, you haven't done it. And so it's a muscle. We got to keep using it. Yeah. I've been listening to your show and it's made me think a lot about things and I have think that that might have been how I might have, I don't know, accidentally been able to open up to something subconsciously just happened.

I just want to say thank you all for being there for me. I'm totally here for you Justin. I'm so glad. I'm so glad you found the show and you found it you know useful and I can't wait to hear your brought your journey Justin. Thanks for calling. Thank you. What a beautiful compliment to you Emily. Yeah. What a beautiful compliment to you, Emily. Yeah. Yeah, feels good to know that people are, yeah, that we're all on this together. We're all listening, we're helping each other

when everyone's calling in about what they've learned and if we don't hear people talking about this much, right? I mean, I had to personally learn how to express my emotions. I didn't grow up in a place where they were validated or accepted or encouraged. Yeah, people stopped crying. Why are you acting this way? Don't do that. Yeah, stop crying. It's not re, you know, all the things that we talk about. So and I still practice. Oh, Jamie, let's do impact here. So we were talking about

the accelerator and the brakes. I know I did the acronym. Now that I will not forget, I will forget. I actually forgot the last time I tried to explain this to someone. We talk about the other piece that I really think is a great check-in, which is Win and Wonder. Let's do that. Yeah.

So another tool for couples to get curious, that is the theme of my segments to get curious. Is she really, once a week, to have a check in about, or you could do it even daily, but a check in about a win from the day. And I say once a week, because usually in that time, you'll have some sort of couples. It's exchange or time together,

where you, something about that time was a real win. Like, maybe it's just like that we put our phones away and locked them up for the night, right? That's a huge win. Or maybe that's the wonder because we were really distracted all week. And so I wonder what it would be like to put our phones away for a night. So it's really spending time talking about that win and that wonder and each of you coming up with one win and one wonder from your relationship in that week. That is such a great tool. Like, we've been talking lately about this about relationship check-ins

that we would be such a wonderful practice for couples to have once a week or let's, you know, even once a month. We've been talking about different tools, but I love this one. It's like, how have I shown up for you last week that felt great, what you need for me in the coming week. But I love a win in a wonder.

So what are some other examples that couples could say is our win and then a wonder? I'd love to kind of inspire people going into the weekend. I mean, a win can also be like that we actually had an hour to have sex, right? It could be about a time thing, it could be quality time, it could be physical touch or that we had a date in a park, like anything, like doing

something that feels like it was just really connecting is a win. And then a wonder is something that maybe didn't happen or maybe went a little sideways, right? Like we tried this new position and it really, it was too painful for me. So I wonder what it would be like to actually do it from the side instead of from, you know, behind or again, that's just one example, but I wonder, like, I do, I wonder, because we didn't get out of the house this week, I wonder what we could have, like, if we could go to a park next week or where we can go to spend some time outside of here, I wonder if we could take a walk,

anything like that. Is it something that we focus around an us, it's not a you, like, I wonder why you didn't initiate sex again, like, I could see it's not a you. Like I wonder why you didn't initiate sex again. Like I could see it going down a more negative critical path. Absolutely. So I think it's a focus on us for sure, because it will go down. I wonder why you didn't do this thing. It goes right into criticism.

So that would be more of an I notice that you haven't been interested in initiating sex in the last few weeks and you might not even say I'm feeling and I miss you. And I wonder if there's something I could do that would make you want to initiate sex more. You could do it in that way. You would have to change it around who being about I. I wonder what I need to do to make this more, it's happen more.

Otherwise it's an us. But if it's you, that person is gonna be like, well you know what you don't do too, or you, so it really can go down and ugly road quickly. God, it's so true. What do they say everything after but is? Is it negated? Everything before.

Everything before butt. Before the butt is- Right. I love you butt you didn't do the dishes. Everything, all you hear is you didn't do the dishes. Right. And so what- And so what- And so what-

And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what-

And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- And so what- I think that we are giving so many incredible tools tonight for people to kind of take home with them because I already want to have a call. Exactly.

If I'm out of work because the world is communicating better and everyone's having incredible sex and everyone figured out their relationship problems, my work is done. But what I do, I don't know what I would do, I have no friggin idea what I would do, but that's what I hope for the world. But you know what I also love about you being here, Jamie, is that there is a lot of recommending that people seek therapy, whether it's a couple or an individual. And I have a sense that people, if they've never gone to therapy or they just have an idea about therapy, that it still has a stigma, Maybe in their mind, they think it makes them crazy or it'll be like, it's only for mental people.

Because to me, it's like, well, why wouldn't you go? If you have a toothache, you're going to go to the dentist. If your car breaks down, you're going to take it to a mechanic. If you're not able to communicate with your partner anymore and you've been trying, you would go to therapy. Because I tell couples all the time, if you've been having the same argument for a year or 10, clearly you're not going to be able to do it on your own. So I just don't know, Jamie, how you get the people when they say, oh my, but my partner

won't go. What can we do to get people to realize like this is going to be the ticket. It's actually going to help wherever you're at, rather either realize that you're, you can never solve this conflict and you should end the relationship or you learn new tools to move forward and grow stronger. And so I think even in that, right, the focus is on something's broken. So we're going to therapy to fix it where I think when the focus is on improving what

we are already, our foundation is solid. So let's improve on it, or our foundation is solid. And there are some places where I feel like we could just be even better. There's just that difference in the reframe. Again, it's not going to convince everybody to go to therapy, but I do think it's helpful to not, like, with the appreciations and everything, it's so much easier for us to focus on what we're not getting, what our partners are not doing. The more we focus on what they are doing and what we are getting, the more you're going to get a positive response. One last thing about that but

yeah, if you change that but to an end, it's different. I love you and could you take out the garbage, right? Like I love you, and whatever it is, it changes how we hear what is being said. It's true, but is really a trigger word. I try to stop myself from saying that as well. And should is another trigger word. Don't shoot all over yourself. Should is it?

Exactly. Well, we should on ourselves and others. You should do this. You should do that. Yeah. And then you reframe that by saying, I get it. You should go to therapy. You can say, I noticed therapy has been really helpful for me.

I'm curious what your thoughts about therapy are, right? Like again, it's not, that might be a little bit more where people say, oh, that feels like you're kind of manipulative or whatever, but you could say, I know therapy helped me. Would you, would you consider it? Right, not you should. I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it me. Would you, would you consider it? Right, not you should. I mean, it's, that's so good. It's good.

It's good. It's good. It's good. Any of it. So good. We have a call here from Leslie 52 in South Carolina. Hi, Leslie. Thanks for calling.

You're on with Emily and JB Waxson. How can we help? Thank you for taking my call. Of course. I have a question. My husband, whenever anything provocative is on TV, he will not even look at it. And I've noticed his late teens or late 20s children are doing the same thing. How would you or what would you suggest I do when I noticed something like that?

So meaning like something sexy comes out or something like a couple's making out and then they just go, oh, gross or they kind of make a comment about it. Is that what you're saying? Yes. Okay. How could we have Leslie here, Jamie? I mean, you've noticed it a number of times. I don't know if you feel comfortable again getting curious with your husband outside of when it's happening because if you point it out and there are other people around when it's happening, he may go into shame, which will bring him into a defense, but I would actually just say, I notice that anytime there's something like provocative on TV, you shut it off, and I'm curious. What's happening? Like, what goes on for you? And then I don't know if the other piece of like

that you want to show them that it's okay to be sexual or it's okay to have sexual feelings if that is sort of in the same context. I don't know how much they know about sex because there's lots of great information out there. And there's like scarlet teen is one of the best websites for really introducing people to sexual information at a teenage age.

How old are the kids, Leslie? I have a total of one is 21 and one is 17. Okay, yeah. I think talking to him about what that's about and probably pointing it out. And then maybe if, you know, I think also talking to the kids about, you know, healthy expression of sexuality and that it's okay. And maybe if you're all together again, you could bring it up and say, you know, I think also talking to the kids about, you know, healthy expression of sexuality and that it's okay.

And maybe if you're all together again, you could bring it up and say, you know, your dad and I had to talk about this, but we decided that it was just a pattern. He probably doesn't realize that he's been doing it their whole lives. So I think you could really be an asset if they're open, yes, Jamie?

Yeah, and I was just gonna say, and sharing with your husband about how it makes you feel when you see what he's doing, right? Because there's a part of you that already knows, like, I think that showing healthy sex and sexual experiences is important. It's really sharing why that's important from your perspective, not again from an eye perspective, so important, but it's important to get your voice in there too. All right.

Okay. Okay. Does that make sense? Let's see. Okay, cool. Thank you. Lastly, keep us posted. I'd love to hear all this conversation goes down. Thank you for calling.

I think that's great. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

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