Sex With Emily - Best of: Differently Abled Sex with Andrew Gurza

Episode Date: June 10, 2020

In honor of Pride month, on today’s throwback podcast, Dr. Emily is joined by host of the Disability After Dark podcast Andrew Gurza to talk about how to overcome insecurities and gain confidence in the bedroom, no matter what’s holding you back.They dive into what it means to be a “queer cripple,” and ways to make sex with disabilities as hot and pleasurable as possible. Plus, how to make oral sex and masturbation as comfortable as possible – including sex toys with disability in mind.For more information about Andrew Gurza, visit: https://www.andrewgurza.com/For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com and you can find us on all social media. It's sex with Emily across the board. Alright everyone, wow, it's been a difficult and emotional week so we did take a break from our programming to reflect and to educate ourselves and make room for black voices in our community. As always, and you know, if you've been listening to this show for a while, it's so important for me to create a safe and inclusive space for everyone to talk about sex. Moving forward, sex with Emily will continue to expand the voices that we showcase on our

platform, consciously seeking out diverse creators and guests to shine a light on people of color and other marginalized talent. This month, we are re-releasing some of our favorite content with an eye-and-year and diverse, inclusive, and relevant topic. So today's throwback podcast in honor of Pride Month, Happy Pride, everybody, we're bringing back differently abled sex with Andrew Gersa. Andrew is fantastic. He's a queer award-winning disability awareness consultant and the host of the Disability After Dark podcast. You guys love when we've released this a few years ago.

I got so many great comments from you guys saying that you learned so much from this show. And so in this podcast, what we talk about is what it means to him to call himself a queer cripple. That's in his words. So, you know, we talk about ways to make sex with disabilities as hot and as pleasurable as possible, how to overcome insecurities and gain confidence in the bedroom, no matter what holding you back. You know, we all have stuff holding us back, right?

And also ways to make oral, anal, and masturbation more comfortable. All this and more, thanks for listening. All right, intentions with Emily. So as you know, for each show, we start off by setting an intention for the show. I do it, I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, think about it. Like, what do I want to get out of listening to this show?

So maybe your attention is, you know, I want to learn how to experience pleasure. You know, penetration is always my jam. What else is out there? And for me, my attention, we just to give you a different perspective and how we all get to define what sex and pleasure means to us. All right, enjoy the show.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Alright, enjoy the show. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Check out everything going on. There are blogs or podcasts or videos. You can easily subscribe to the podcast and see what's going on here with Sex with Emily and get all the information you need

to have better sex and relationships. And again, it's anonymous. We won't tell anyone. Also, find me at Sex with Emily across the board on all social Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, love hearing from you all. And now for your sex in the news, fantasizing about your partner can boost your sex drive and maybe save your relationship. Having fantasies, totally healthy part of having a healthy sex life, and also sharing them with your partner. But this new study adds a little bit more to that.

So having sexual fantasies might just be the key to having healthy and fulfilling relationship. So according to the study, what fantasies can do to your relationship on the effect of sexual fantasies and couple interactions, this is what they found out. They asked the couples to sexually fantasize about either their partner or someone else and then describe the content of their fantasy and then check out their relationship and see how it impacted their relationship physically and emotionally. So those who talked about the fantasy reported a greater desire to get down and dirty with their partners compared to others, but even more so you guys check this out, fantasizing

about a partner. So not some stranger, not the sexy person, the brista who gave you coffee this morning, but actually having active fantasy with your partner increased their partners appeal and decreased the negative perceptions about the relationship. So the scientists conclude the fantasies can help us to invest in our relationships even more, which I think this totally makes sense. The more you fantasize your partner, the more satisfied you're going to feel, the more

satisfied you are, the more likely you are to talk about your fantasies. And who knows when to talk about it, I think it'll be a lot easier to live out those fantasies with your partner. So why not just plug in your partner to whatever you've been wanting. So for example, let's say you've been wanting to have your partner answer the door, naked. I'm going to give you an example here. So let's say you're with the woman, you're like, I want to come home and have you naked

and laying on the bed with all your sex toys. And let's say, I don't think you'd start with that. So maybe you'd say, I'd love to come home and see you answer the door in a broad underwear. Because maybe you've never talked to your partner about being naked when they come home. So I think with fantasies, we have to also practice and not just saying, babe, I had to threesome

and your face was in it. Maybe like, have you ever thought about having sex with someone else? So I feel like fantasies, we have to also practice and not to say like babe I had to threesome and your face was in it. Maybe like have you ever thought about having sex with someone else? So I feel like you got to eat what I'm saying is you got to ease into these fantasies So rather than saying the whole elaborate scenario Can kind of trip your partner up what I like about this you can just say I had a fantasy about you and here's how we could play out So you know see what they say like yeah, that'd be really hot I'll wear that new lingerie you said. And then you could add on like, and if you're sex toys are there, that would be great. Because I think if it's a new thing

and you've never talked about fantasies with your partner, you want to make sure that it's accessible and something that they would be into. And also, guys, if you're at the point in your relationship where things have gotten a little stale, or you're just like, not really attracted to my partner anymore, if you plug them into these fantasies, you're gonna be surprised to see that, oh wow, maybe I really am attracted to them. anymore. If you plug them into these fantasies, you're

going to be surprised to see that, oh wow, maybe I really am attracted to them. I've got to bring it back. Because if you really attracted them in the beginning, it can come back again, I promise. So this is another great tool that you can use to kind of look at your partner in a different light that you maybe you haven't seen them in before and kind of bring that and infuse that life back into their relationship. I think these are all great tips for you that if you're thinking about it now you should probably just do it today. Do it this weekend. Don't wait on it. Improve your relationship, have better sex, and get turned down by your partner again. It can totally happen. It's possible. Feel good about this.

I hope you guys enjoy today's interview with Andrew Garza. He is a disability awareness consultant, cripple content creator, and host of the disability after dark podcast. I was fascinated by his podcast and in Thrall, they feel like he and I have a lot in common. You know, there's a lot of vulnerability that comes up when you're talking about sex,

and it's when you're in the business of sex, and when you're actually having sex and you're worried about it, like, is this for research, is this for myself? And just a lot of the challenges that we all have in the bedroom, I feel like Andrew's got a different host of challenges, but the way he talks about it

is I think is really relatable, really heartfelt and really vulnerable. I think Andrew's doing great work, and if you want to know more about him, you can find him at androogurza.com. G-U-R-Z--a and check out his podcast Disability After Dark and yeah, you guys enjoy the interview. All right, I've got Andrew Gurza on the phone. Hey Andrew. Hey, how's it going? Good. I'm so excited to talk to you and I do not think that people talk nearly enough about having

sex with disabilities and I think we all deserve to have better sex and relationships. So I'm really excited around the show and I've been listening to your podcast and I was like, we have a lot in common. Because first of all, you know, for a job being a sex educator and building a brand and kind of being obsessed with work and thinking, when I'm having sex, like, how to really let yourself actually enjoy sex when it becomes your job and how not to obsessed with work and thinking when I'm having sex. Like how to really let yourself actually enjoy sex when it becomes your job and how not to be having sex and thinking about should I be doing this for research or do I need to talk about it is the one thing.

And then also all the insecurities and vulnerabilities that we all have around sex, you're so open about it. Like a play by play about when you're in the moment and out of the moment with a partner and I just thought it was so relatable and honest and I love the work that's doing. That's so great. Thank you so much for that, that kudos because you know the work I do, I just did it because I was bored one day and I was like, yeah, start a podcast and see what I like,

see if it goes anywhere. Well, it's really, I was going to ask you about how you got started into, you know, I guess into podcasting but also being a, you would educator before that or do the podcast get you on board with consulting? No, I mean, it all kind of just started and the origin story of this was I was a little bit depressed. I was going through a bit of a depression and I was done in school and I had studied law

and disability for years. I did a master's in that and I was gonna go to school for that to create change around disability for years. I did a master's in that and I was going to go to school for that to create change around disability that way. But in the back of my mind, I was like, I'm really, I'm queer and I'm disabled and I want to really talk about this stuff more openly. But people told me, oh, this is not a job. You can't do that. You won't be able to sustain yourself. It's not worth it. Do something that is quote unquote a real job. And one day I just was like, you know what, I'm gonna make some business cards, call myself a disability consultant,

having no idea what that meant. And just see what happened. It snowed off from there. Wow, good for how many years ago was that? That's was about six and a half years ago. Okay, congratulations. It seems like you're doing well. And I think that's a great lesson No, well, from there. Well, good for how many years ago was that? That was about six and a half years ago. Okay. Congratulations. It seems like you're doing well.

And I think that's a great lesson that I think that I talked to a lot of entrepreneurs now. People are starting business. They think everything has to be perfect, perfectly lined up. I have to have the website and the branding. No, you just did it. You get cards and you went out there and you believe in yourself. Yeah.

I mean, it does go through periods of Evan Flow, where you think, oh, I can't do this today. I don't know if I'm going to be able to how well I should say this in a year is this how I want to look any how this wants to be in a year. And I think when you're a disabled creator, especially, there's a lot more that self-doubt because there's so few of us who are doing stuff for especially around sexuality. There are so, we're all talking about it as disabled people, but then there are a handful of us who've decided to take that part of our experience and make it our job.

So when there's so few of us doing it, it's like, what was this brand sustainable? Am I gonna be able to do it in a year or two? So there's so much added pressure because oftentimes if you're one of few or you're the first, and then it's like, well, what if I, like what if I miss step, what if I fuck up, what if I, right, right.

That never said, you said ebbs and flows, you're like, there's some weeks, I'm like, how about some days where you believe in yourself in the morning and then the afternoon, something bad happens. So I get it, it's not easy, just printing the card, but I'm saying I meant that more like, you gotta just start sometimes.

And the fact that you start, it's never easy. So you put it out there, you knew, or you thought to yourself, this is something that really interests me, just having disabilities, but also talking about sex. So what's the response been since you started six years ago? Now that you are talking about, and being queer.

So like all the things. Yeah, I mean, my brands change, and the names and things are changed, and I've changed So like all the things. Yeah, I mean, my brands change and the names and things are change and I've changed things around, move things around, but the response, I think, has been positive because I really, in my work, it's so tied to my personal life that I try not to separate it because people don't want that.

The disabled community wants to see somebody telling them the truth or their truth with respect to disability. And I think when we talk to non-disabled community members about sex and disability, they also need the truth. They need somebody who isn't sugar coding in. When we talk about disability, usually what happens is we try to sugar code it and they can get either super positive or it's a tragedy. It's either one of the other.

It's super everything. You'll be fine. You'll overcome or your life is horrible and tragic and you're going to die tomorrow. And I mean, So what is the truth then? What's the truth that you most want people to understand then? I think I want people to look at how disability feels. We don't talk about how it feels ever.

When we talk about disability, we talk about the really high or the really low moments, but no one's getting in the middle and saying, hey, how does it feel today to be a wheelchair user? How does it feel today to not have access to your body? How does it feel today to want to jerk off but not be able to? Because you can't touch yourself.

How does it feel to, you know, all those things? No one's asking that. And because that's been part of my lived experience, I started asking myself those questions. And then the podcast kind of came about because writing and typing can be texting on the disabled body sometimes. I type a lot. But I get tired really fast. I have the privilege of speech really well.

So I was like, why don't I just get a mic, get some really simple podcasting equipment, and see if this thing goes. And it's been two years with this podcast, and the response has been really, really good. And people have said to me this show, I stumble on it. I never thought about the stuff, but now I listen all the time. And it's really scary how much people want to learn about this.

And before I started doing it, there were no resources. I think for anybody who's thinking of starting a podcast or anything, blog, whatever you're writing, that there is a certain, like, if you, if you're truth and you think you've a storytell, there's going to be someone else often that's going to be able to relate to it. So I think that's so what is it like then today? You said you want to talk about what it's like to be in a wheelchair how it feels today. How does it feel today to you? How is today? Today in 2018, this wheelchair

user is clear. Unfortunately, it's the way we talk about sex and disability hasn't changed. It's still really, I am one of my app profiles right now. My nickname is Big Dick Crip. That's amazing. Big Dick Crip. Yeah, so I put it up there as a joke. But I have taught and heard you talk about your penis size So that's not a joke. It's no, it's that's some joke. It's quite I didn't see it people let me be brother. Yeah, it's it's To all the queer men out there. It's it's a nice it's a nice good good But still even in that in doing stuff like that, that I have to make jokes with that,

because otherwise, I won't get noticed if I just said, I'm a disabled queer guy, and I didn't hyper-sexualize myself in some way. I wouldn't get noticed in our community, in my queer community. So I often feel they need to overextend that sexuality just so people pay attention to me. So what kind of response have you gotten from listeners? Because it's no one else doing this, I'm sure they must be just like, gives them a lot of permission to be sexual and to talk about things as well. It does, yeah, I mean, I had somebody who tweeted me the other day

and said, oh, I'm catching up on disability after dark. And like, I love how the show makes me feel. And thank you for that. And just, I don't get them very often, because I think disabled people, even though they may listen, are afraid to talk about sex. So I don't get it too too often. But sometimes I'll get an email just saying,

I listen to your show and it's resonating with me or I'll get reviews on iTunes that are like, I'm an able-bodied person and I listen to your show and I've learned something new today and I've learned how I understand disability a little bit differently now. Or I laugh with you about something. And like that's really empowering

because I do my podcast for my house. Like I'm not in a studio, I'm at home. So when you're doing it, you don't think that it's going across the world and people are hearing you. So you just kind of do it and say, okay, there it is. And I mean, it's not the biggest podcast in the world and it's not huge, but it's the fact that it's creating change somewhere is what I have to remember the most important thing.

Keep doing it, keep sticking with it. So, you know, and I think it is really brave because sex is already such a taboo subject. So how do you think we can better understand queer sex and sex with disabilities? Like, what do we understand? I think we have to realize that we're ableist. And I think we have to talk about that quite openly and and For anybody who's the thing who's like what's the ableist? Yeah talk about it, please. Yeah Avalism basically is like the

discrimination against disabled people so if you Making off-color joke about drones wheelchair and you say something like oh that person is a I'm just trying to think of like a common one If you call somebody handicapable and you don't ask them what their, what their terms are, or you say something that is, that might be considered a slur that, you know, that could be able of them. And it's just discrimination, or really it's ignorance around disability. And I think we have to realize that we all have the capacity to be ignorant, and we all have the capacity to say the wrong thing. I think we have to realize that we all have the capacity to be ignorant and we all

have the capacity to say the wrong thing. I think it's how we handle that. And I think when a disabled person calls somebody out and says, hey, you're being an ableist right now, it isn't necessarily like to say to them, you're being an asshole and saying, you've maybe missed step for me. Can we interrogate that? And I think people are really afraid to be called out in these instances.

Because it's like, oh no, I can't be. But I have disabled friends. Well, it's like, no, we can all be. So what do you think are the misconceptions then? Just in general, that you feel like people have made about you or people you know with disabilities. Like what's like one thing, something that's really calm here like that again,

no one gets that blank. If there's even just one that's really close to your heart. Yeah, I mean, we were talking about like dick earlier, which is what we do. Do you love that? It's just free art, isn't it? Yeah, I do, okay, I guess hey. It's the best.

Put it that profile. Not the picture, unless you want to, but I'm just saying the big dick trip is amazing. I get like good, I get like good. Okay. I'll say it again. But to go back to that, like I have on the promo big dick trip. Everyone's laughing and they really love that.

Big joke, probably cracked everyone up. Okay. That's awesome. So I have it on my promo as big dick trip. And guys on message me and say like, oh, it's so nice, just see that your dick still works. As it's like, as it, first of all, I'm not paralyzed. I don't deal with paralysis, but the assumption that in order, the only way to receive sexual pleasure

is through genitalia, especially with men, the way that we fetishize the penis and fetishize the way that that body part is tied to masculinity and tied to queerness and tied all those things is really problematic. And so I've been getting that a lot over the last few days, like, wow, it's really nice to know your dick still works.

I'm so happy it does because if we didn't like, if we didn't work then we couldn't do anything. And I just think, well, I have friends who deal with paralysis and their penis may like sometimes doesn't work, but they want it too. And like, that's really not fair. They still deserve and can achieve pleasure in ways that would that. Exactly. That's they can achieve pleasure in other ways, right?

If they don't, I was going to ask, because I remember studying this in grad school for my sex grad school. And I remember talking about people with disabilities. And there was a guy who was paralyzed, but he got pleasure from his ear. studying this in grad school for my sex grad school. And I remember talking about people with disabilities and there was a guy who was paralyzed, but he got pleasure from his ear. Like he learned after being his ear could give him orgasms. Like, I heard him that guy.

Yeah, it was a long one guy. I thought I was like, I've heard that. You know what I think it's true? Cause you learn to associate or get with any part of you can start to transfer pleasure, receptors to other areas. And tell me about your disability, just so you're in a wheelchair.

Yeah, I mean wheelchair user. And I have super palsy, which means that I was, I had brain damage at birth, and I came out through men's early. So I was like, fuck this nine month thing. I'm coming out at six. And so I came out at six months. I was premature, I was blue all over.

Like I basically wrote me my last write on my birthday when I was born. And I then, this is like fucking, I'm staying. I have stuff to do. And so my disability means I'm a wheelchair user. I can't walk. I don't have paralysis. I can feel everything.

But I can't, I'm not able to walk. So people assume that because I'm a wheelchair user, that means that I can't have paralysis, I can feel everything, but I can't, I'm not able to walk. So people assume that because I'm a wheelchair user, that means that I can't, that I just smell something like a walk. And so for me, it just means that I need help with all my daily activities, like getting up, getting in my chair, getting dressed, going to the bathroom, all those things I have to,

I have help for. And it's just something that you incorporate into your life every day. Yeah. I like hearing the story about your attendant, how you were, I just love the story when you described your, I think it was your last podcast.

I think it was most recent one about the one that maybe it wasn't, maybe it was from May. It was either May or the last one. But you were having sex with someone you talked about your attendant coming over and how you were like, I'm having sex. Even probably you're attendant, you're attendant, right? Is that what you, yeah.

And you're like, I'm getting ready. I'm having sex. And like just so like, they knew too, I'm having sex. Even if you're a tenant, you're a tenant, right? Is that what you, yeah, yeah. And you're like, I'm getting ready, I'm having sex. And like just so like, they knew too that you were having sex. Like that you're preparing for a date, but they come over every day and take care of you. But like, this is what's happening. And so I also thought it was interesting because listening to your story about how,

just because okay, so I hear from people every single day, right, who have challenges or on sex, who are like, I'm insecure because I don't like my body or my penis is small. So there are people who are, you know, in those ways, they're challenged, they're worried about the penis. But there's people who are, I'm just teasing you,

but there's people, right, we all have these things that are ahead and that you were like one moment in it and then the other one went, you're like excited and then you're like, oh, I'm being able-bodied. Like in ourselves, I feel like a lot of us are our own worst critics. In fact, we have like a mind jail that goes on

and I just, I could just so relate to us are our own worst critics. In fact, we have like a mind jail that goes on and I just, I could just so relate to that and hear my listeners going, yeah, like we all have these things in the moment where we're trying to great sex, then we take ourselves out of the moment and then you'd go back into the moment and I just was listening and like to hear your connection and describing how you love the way he kissed your ear and how that made you feel. I just thought you're, you know, you got to keep putting yourself back into it. So what are your tools that for being more confident

when you're actually having the sex? Is there anything that you can talk about? That's a tough one because I don't think that I am confident when I have sex. I'm like, I'm a nervous wreck. I'm like, I'm maybe acting confident for the person to make them comfortable. But inside I'm like, I'll talk about what about this

and what about the next move and how do I, what about this position and how do I ask for this. And so inside I'm not competent. I'm having all the able of fears that I'm not letting on because I didn't want the other person to fear that it's really, but I think you gain confidence by owning that you aren't confident. And so in a lot of my work, when I started working, I was initially like,

oh, yeah, I'm really confident. I'm the sexiest disabled guy and I started talking about stuff. But now I'm like, oh, no, I'm fucked up just like you. And I have insecurities about ABC. And I'm starting to be more open about my insecurities and how my disability interplays with them and being really honest about that breeds a sense of relief

because they don't have to hide that anymore. Right, I absolutely agree with you that even being a sex educator, I'm not perfect, I feel like I do everything right. Every time I have sex, it's just like, oh, it's amazing or even throughout my life. The truth is the more vulnerable you are, the more open you are,

people realize we don't have to all rock ground pertaining that we're perfect all the time. We don't have insecurities and anxiety. I think all of us can relate to that. So, thank you. Right. That's a great thing to learn too. I'm sure I've helped your business. If I get you more listeners as well, I would think that people can relate because it's relatable. Not get you, but you know what I'm saying? People are like, I can relate to that. I just like, I listened to you. I was was like I feel everything that you felt in this moment like I mean which is which is I mean and then that's the point but I think The trouble is

And the thing that I start going with and making this is business is how do I Realizing that I don't have to pay into to a non disabled audience and realizing that I don't that I didn't create the show just to make Abel body people feel better about second-decibility, realizing that there's a community out there, people who are listening who are disabled and who... the response from disabled people for this show that have set to me like, I listen to your show and I feel like I'm at home. Yeah. That makes me like well-off with joy because it means that no matter what else happens, and with two people listening who feel that way, I've done my job.

Yeah. And to know that this political podcast that I started as an experiment to see how far it would go has done that is like, wow. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, I'm really excited for you, so that keeps you going. Now, what about dating? Let's talk about your so that that keeps you going now. What about dating? Let's talk about your dating life. What do you think people want to know when they're dating?

So what do people need to know when they're dating someone with a disability? I think yeah, so your dating tips the general. I don't date lots anymore. I thought I had a lot I don't I don't have a sex With some visibility. I mean, I mean, the last time I went and I'll tell you my last dating story, I went on a date with a guy a few weeks ago, we, went and had burgers and he was going to come back to my place and mess around and we did that.

It wasn't amazing and that was okay. And we didn't click and that was fine. And then two or three days later, he messages me and says, oh, I just wanted to say hi. And it was around pride time. So he said, oh, how'd you pride? And I said, oh, thank you.

And he says to me, well, I wanted to let you know that I can't. I don't think we should see each other again. I was like, oh, okay, that's all right. I guess things and whatever. And I left to that. And he's like, I want you to know why it's because you're not as independent as I would like you to be in bed. And I was like, oh, okay. And he was like, yeah, so your disability is kind of an issue for me. And I wanted you just

to know. And I was like, oh, like, I didn't need to know that. Like, and you just have, like, told me that you didn't want to hang out anymore. I got the hint. Like, right. So I'm used to. So how did you meet him? So he was he not disabled? We know he's able to. Able body. Able body. Yeah. And we just met on an app. And then we just started chatting and the chat was fine. And we like, we had cleared the fact that I was disabled. He knew there was no like, I didn't hide it. I didn't pretend it

was happening. I'm very very upfront. Right. Like, and so he knew all that and it seemed okay. But then what I was surprised by and kind of upset by was why would you send somebody a text afterwards saying like, right here's all the reasons I can't see you again and they're all based around five years of table. Right. Yeah, that's hurtful. And he probably thought, well, I'm not going to go. So I'm going to say that I'm going to say the right thing, but really maybe better just to say thanks for. I mean, yeah, you could have just said that again.

Coming out, and I don't think, like, I don't think we, and he didn't work for me, and like, that's a lot less painful than me. Like, and I think why it's so upsetting is because disabled people here this time all the time were constantly inundated with able-bodied people's questions about our sexuality and the way that we, the way their bodies work and the very first question they want to know is how do you fuck? How do you have sex?

How, how, how? Is the only question we're kind of stuck on? And I wish people would ask us, how does it feel to be a sexually active disabled person? Now, how does it feel to own your sexuality? How does it feel to have agency in the, you know, in your, in the decision to fuck? Or how does it feel to not have access to your body? I wish people would really start asking that stuff because that's where, that's where

sexuality and disability lives and how it feels because no one else is talking about that. I agree. Yeah. Well, I want to know then. Can you tell me how it feels to have sex as a disabled person? It's a complicated thing because I love sex.

I love being sexual with somebody. And I don't get the chance to do it very often. I talk about sex a lot. I write about sex. I podcast about sex. But actually having sex, I don't get to do it very often. I talk about sex a lot. I write about sex, I podcast about sex, but actually having sex, I don't get to have it, which is why my last podcast episode I did hold up to about how good the sex was because I very, very good to have good sex. Well, made it so good. What made it so good?

Just because I knew this partner a little bit, we knew each other. He knew what my needs were and there was no need to. I didn't have to like spend 25 minutes explaining to him what to do. We just kind of fell into each other and that was nice and I got to let go and relax a little bit. And usually because I don't have regular partners that I mess around with, because people are afraid to engage with disability, usually if you're with a new partner, you have to walk them through and hold their hand and make sure they're comfortable. Right. It's a lot of work.

Yeah, there's a lot of pre-work beforehand. And so this was just a nice experience I had that was not, that had none of the fear I could just go and enjoy. And that was, I hadn't thought that way in a long time around my sex, so that it was, I just wanted to share with the world that people need to know that the positive sex stories around disability do happen. They're rare, but they're there.

And I wanted to just hope people should know about them. I think it's great. And you also ask your listeners to submit some of their great sex stories as well, right? Yeah, I've started doing just to get more listeners up and to keep the show going and to keep myself in interested. Whatever reason, right?

But it's interesting, yeah. It's here, other people, actual stories, it's inspiring and to people who listen to your show and are like, yeah, I'm not having sex at often either, but you know what, if I do or when I do, it's gonna give them inspiration. Yeah, I mean, I did one a few months ago, we did one a few months ago when I first started doing the

Minisodes where I asked people to write in their funny sex stories and I would read them back. And I got some that I was like, oh my goodness, that's hilarious. And I just think to know that the community submitted stuff like that and wanted me like to read it out loud and talk about it on the air was like, okay, people are clamoring for this. They want to prove to the world that they can be sexual too. And it's like these stories were really funny and partially because you can only tell those stories if you're disabled. And so I was howling with laughter through

half that episode because I was like, only a disabled person would have this happen to them. I see. Again, that's why your show is serving purpose. It's relatable. I think it's useful to share people's stories. That's what we do. Like how we ask people, it's like masturbation month. So always like, or masturbation month, or anal. This is actually alternative August slash anal sex month.

So it's like, what are your stories? Because I think that, even I learning on the gun, you guys masturbate like that. That's interesting. I think that is how we learned from other people's stories. Okay, so, Andrea, do you want to help me answer some emails for my listeners? Sure, I do. Yes, I would love it. Okay, cool. Well, first let me take a quick break. We're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors. Thanks everyone for supporting the show and we'll be right back. Tell me about masturbation. Can we talk about masturbation with disabilities? Yeah, masturbation for me has been a new journey for me because when I was younger, when I was like a teenager and stuff, I could easily last rate. And my dexterity in my hands were a lot easier. So I couldn't last rate.

I think it said dexterity, but you said dexterity. It could totally be dexterity. It has dexterity, though. It's kind of it. It's all right, yeah. It's a new word. So my dexterity, my dexterity, you could take on.

Yeah. Was a lot more, I have more movement of my hands. And as I've gotten older, because of my disability, the strength of my hands has left in a little bit and muscles have become tighter. So the typical motion that penis having people have when they master rate is to grab the shaft and go up and down, I could never do that.

I could use my thumb, but because of the changes in dexterity, I can't really use my thumb anymore. So I've stopped masturbating because it's just too painful. And so sometimes now when I get around, all just randomly come sometimes. And it's super awkward to be like, oh, sorry, I had a moment there. So my ideas around masturbation have changed, but my ideas around self pleasure have also changed. Because now I can have a pleasure moment and not have to worry about touching my body.

But you still have it. You still have a release. You still have orgasm, but you're thinking your way there. And that's something you have to learn. Yeah, and I'm still learning that. And it's like sometimes it'll happen at really an opportunity of moments, like, oh, fuck, how do I, like, and there is an embarrassment of like, how do I explain to somebody that I just came

when I was like, I was I explain to somebody that I just came when I was watching Grease and Anime one day, and I just came and I was like, what is happening? What's what? So learning to be present in a body that sometimes doesn't do what you want it to do, and that can be tough because I look at able body queer people who are constantly

like wagging their genitals around, sometimes like in queer male communities, that's what's happening a lot of the time, and we're so hyper-sexualized. And I get really jealous because I'm like, I want to be able to, like, down to fuck whenever and I am mentally, but physically, I'm not. And that's, as a disabled person, that's what's frustrating. So the idea, like the idea that I can just, we have my day can take a cock selfie, like so many people do on these apps, it's like I wish that I could do that.

Right. You were used like a stroke or anything, or could you use anything else to help? Well, just because of my anxiety is so. You can't, okay. I just couldn't, and I have to, I'd have to, like call of my dexterity is so. You can't, okay. I just couldn't, and I have to, I'd have to, like, call one of my care workers in which would be a super interesting conversation.

But like, hey, can you just send me up so I can jerk off like that? Just a minute, yeah. Right. Just because, like, there is, as open as I am, there is a sense of like, I want this to be mine. I don't want this to be a private moment that I have that I don't, where I don't have to involve somebody else.. So yes, I could totally call somebody and ask for that out,

but I have no I have I ask for help in every part of my day. So I have no problem asking, but it's also the understanding that like this is my this is mine and I don't want to share this with you in any way. So sometimes you just don't. I get it. I understand that would not be easy, an easy thing. So have you ever tried, I understand. If you try to, have you tried any products, you know, like there's some companies that make some, like sports sheets, you work with sports sheets,

they make slings and swings or toys, or is that anything that you guys, that you talk about? I have a sling. To your audience, yeah. I did, I did test a tang egg a few years ago on my show just to test the dexterity of the Tang egg and I had it on the air and I was playing with it with my fingers and seeing if, and talking about how somebody with a disability would be able to use it or not use it.

Okay. And many of those toys because of dexterity, I just say we'll present at least in my position with my level of disability couldn't use now. Some of you who had less disability might be able to or more to the exteriority could do that. But I couldn't actually, it's funny, my sister who lives in Australia and I were working on a line of sex toys for people with disabilities that were working on designing and we're doing research with RMIT in Australia right now to really create a toy from scratch that is designed for and by people with physical disabilities. That's amazing.

I think you need it. How would you, what's the toy like? Can you tell me anything about it? So for our men, for women, for everyone. Well, I mean, there is no toy. We don't have anything yet. We're just doing the research right now. And actually, we're looking for funding to do the research because we want to do it properly.

And just slapping a strap on a dildo and then calling it an accessible toy. Right. Isn't isn't good enough. We want to go to disabled people and say like what are your needs? Yeah, it's a good thing. Like what gets you off? What's easy for you? What's hardest for you?

What's like so we're doing that preliminary research to make sure that we've been calling it a disability-driven design for the toy, which means that we put disability first. Like it's putting disability first because usually whenever anything is designed for a disabled person, it was usually designed for a not disabled person first. And then adapted, this is saying, no, no, no,

disability is part of the process from square one. I don't want to say too much what the toilet is external. I don't remember allowed to, but you know, it's going to take us a while to properly get something out there. But I'm really, really proud of the fact that it's first of all where my sister and I are doing it in a family way. So to involve my family member in this kind of work is really. I love it. I think it is really useful. And I'm just thinking about now, how could you invent the stalker so it connects to your chair

so you don't need your hands to get to work for you? Like, I'm trying to think about that too. I'm actually like, hi, you're right. What could we do here? Like a remote control, like a sling that comes down with a toy, let me know how you go with it. I want you to find some good things for you. I, okay, so Andrew, do you want to help me answer some emails

for my listeners? Sure I do, yes, I would love it. Okay, cool. Okay, if you want a question answered on the show, you can text Ask Emily, all one word to 797-7979 felt the short form. Go to my website, sexwithmwe.com, click on Ask Emily tab,

and always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to this show. Okay, this is from Ben, he's 42. Dear Emily, I recently started hearing your podcast after I heard you on the Mind Pump podcast. I met my wife many years ago, we dated for seven years, haven't married for three. My wife has severe medical issues, she was in a car accident at a young age and had to have part of her left arm amputated. She also has severe arthritis, affects her joints,

leading to having both hips replaced. And with the surgery, she's gain weight, but now she can't really exercise. It's difficult for her to lose the weight, I think that she's beautiful and sexy. When we first started dating, we were able to have sex in a lot of positions, but now she's only comfortable in the spooning position.

We've brought inflatable wedge pillows, slas- wedge slas- pillows together into different positions. She was okay with them at first, but we don't use them anymore. I've gotten to the point where I'm bored of the position. I've asked her to try other positions, but nothing is really comfortable for her. She can't afford hips too wide without being afraid, a metal screw will break inside of her. Because it's happened once before, are there any positions you can suggest that may work for her?

So I needed your help with this one too, Andrew. I thought you'd be great. Helping with this is Ben. He's 42. But first I just want to say Ben, it sounds like you guys have really good communication and that you've really been able to work around it, but now it sounds like maybe she's just in a lot more pain or maybe she's nervous to start again and there might be, I don't know, what are your thoughts, Andrew, because I feel like they've used the way.

That's the top one I don't know. That's the first one that's a lot of information. I appreciate that Ben is telling his wife that she's still beautiful and that he's doing those things and putting in the work to ensure that she feels emotionally seen and valued as best he can. As a sexually active disabled person, I gotta say, I can't move in a lot of positions either.

I am in, really, I have pillows and wedges too that I use for sex to keep my body comfortable. I've had a hip replaced. I have spinal fusion, metal rods in my spine. So I understand what the fear she has. I'm also a person with a little bit more weight on me in the belly area. So I understand that too. And I understand how all that impacts your desire to be sexy. I don't really know if there's, if I have an answer in terms of how to what positions that you get into, I would say maybe consider not having like penetrative sex, consider like hand jobs and oral.

I think you're so right. Yep. No, I agree. I was here listening because you're right. I was like, what could they do? I don't know. Maybe she's got a lot of fear because she did a metal screw already broke inside of her. It sounds like she might have some trauma as well.

Yeah. I would be afraid to have sex as well if I had these. I wouldn't want to do anything. I wouldn't want to do anything. No. But I think, yeah. You know, I deal with things like IBS and happen, no. But I think, yeah. I deal with things like IBS and catheters too.

So there's a constant fear of like, oh no. What if something just really related happens during this supposedly passionate moment? Right, past right. Like how the fuck do I deal with that, so? Right, exactly. I understand her fear, but I also can appreciate his Ben's fear of being like, I want to just fuck my

wife in a loving, like in a loving, I love you, consent your way, I want to fuck my wife. And not being able to and not having the lived experience of her body trauma. So I don't know if there's any answer, but I would just say, like, keep talking through maybe you suggest, like, I don't want to suggest, like I don't wanna suggest, like say the counseling is like the only option, but maybe talking to somebody about her trauma and he's like, because her trauma becomes his trauma when he can't fuck his wife,

that's not even what to love, your partner in that way. Exactly. Surely takes a toll on him. Right. There's a lot of pressure, and maybe she could find maybe it's their Massaging each other foot massage making out again you know kissing goes a lot longer relationship

I love kissing right so you need a little bit of intimacy maybe they got to bring back some of that so maybe she's feeling also A lot of times just like a mismatch like she might feel like always coming near me again I don't want to sex because it could be painful so they've gotten to this like they're not even touching anymore And I think for couples forget they can separate to this, like, they're not even touching anymore. And I think for couples forget they can separate both of those things that they could actually do other things and have pleasure in the way. I think also, like, because I'm disabled,

I've had to re-emm-added in what sex looks like and what sex is and how sex feels. And so, like, sometimes sex for me is making out and then I give a guy a hand job using a hand job and we're done. That's it. But that was sex. Exactly.

No, you're absolutely right. I think that there are so many different ways to have sex and to be active and to connect with your partner. Absolutely right. And I'm a fan of therapy as well. She's had some trauma around this or just in general communicating, understanding what her challenge is. If there is trauma, go to therapy.

A huge amount. This is from Michael 27 in Kentucky. Hey Emily, I've been listening to your podcast for two months now. It's awesome and has taught me a lot. I'm a virgin and I'm planning on having sex soon. While I'm sort of nervous, I'm also excited. I'm not very well in doubt, but no, it's not a huge deal to women. My worry is I'm well below average when I'm flaccid and it makes me insecure.

I know my first time won't probably last long and I should focus on the foreplay. Should I be worried or insecure about my small penis size when I'm flaccid? Okay, Michael, here's a deal. I've never heard this before when I read this. I don't think I've heard a lot of men worried about their penis size and side note, most people are not complaining about their partner's penis. So men worry about it a lot. I know you don't have that concern there. But anyway, God, I love making penis jokes with you.

Okay. So I don't think that Michael, you have to worry about it being flaccid. Most guys aren't big when they're flaccid. Like that's the point. They're flaccid. And your partner is really not going to be thinking about that either. And it is true focus on her pleasure, focus on poor play, make sure she's enjoying herself, not getting inside of your head. So what do you think here? How do you get out of your head, though? Well, I mean, I'm sitting down all the time. So really, when I look at my penis and it's

flaccid, it's up against the rest of my body. So it looks different because. Yeah. So like I get his fear of like, oh, it's not, it looks weird because of what I, I get that in a different way. I understand. I also think that like he was talking earlier about, he's worried about performance and lasting long. I'll share a quick story about that when I first had sex with somebody, my very

first time with somebody I came he kissed me and I came I was it was done finished over That was it that was it and I was so embarrassed and it's like you're watching Gray's Anatomy or something Yeah Watching yeah, but I he kissed me and I came and I was so embarrassed But then we did it again and I had more stamina and it was fine. But I think even with partners now there are moments where we'll have sex and neither of us will come and we'll still have the experience, we'll still do the actions.

I think the emphasis that we put on the money shot and coming from porn and from popular media. And the way it's talked about is really damaging. And for me as a disabled person, for a long time, all I wanted to do was I got to make sure they come. I got to make sure that I make them come because then as a disabled person, I would have done my job. I would have made a difference.

And if I make them come, I'm going to bed. And it's OK. All that stuff is in your head. If you're enjoying yourself, no matter what happens, and you make sure that your partner is also consensually enjoying themselves, then it doesn't matter if fluids are exchanged. It doesn't matter if you come at all. If you're having a good time, then that's all it should be about. That's great. You're so true. How did you get outside your head though? That's what we talked about so much on the show. It's just, even if you got to keep bringing yourself back to the moment, I think that a lot of us

didn't and we worry so much in the bedroom. How did you realize it like it wasn't all about your partner's pleasure and your own? Like, how did you take that back? Because I think it's actually more about women, like women in heterosexual relationships. We're so much about pleasing men, pleasing men, pleasing men. And I'm constantly telling women, and I'm not saying men aren't like this also, but for typical that we were raised that way. Like we were raised.

It was about our partner's pleasure and not our own. So how do you finally take that back? Some days, like some days, like doing some days, they don't. It's an age really not something that you, it's never something you, you know, sexuality is not something you just changes overnight. There are moments where it's all about their pleasure and there are moments where I've texted partners and said like, all I want to do in this time together is make you come and they'll say, no, no, whatever happens, they'll say, no, no, no, I want to make you come. I want to, please, let me, let me at least try. So I don't think I've taken

anything back. I think that I'm because of my disability, I am I have been forced to find other ways to enjoy myself and I think sometimes it's much more about intimacy. So if I can be with the partner and they can just hold me for an hour and nothing happens, that's sometimes more powerful and beneficial to me. Then oh my god, we had all the sex on a sector all the day. I nothing happens, that's sometimes more powerful and beneficial to me than, oh my god, we had all the sex, when we sex all the day, and that's great, but sometimes,

I just wanna cut all, you wanna hit it, and it's gonna see, I agree with you. It does switch in the moment. We might think, I'm gonna go into this, I'm gonna take my orgasm, but then you're in the moment with someone, you're like, you know what, not this time, but the fact that you just have that consciousness around it,

that we all deserve our own orgasms. We all are responsible for it. And we have to take it instead of just give, we have to think about that we all pleasure. So I think that that's just important, even if in the moment you might kind of say, not this time, you still know that in your heart that we all are responsible for it.

And I mean, maybe it's an emotional orgasm. And by that I mean, like, maybe it's not, if you didn't come up here and like spray your seed across the world, maybe it's not, if you didn't come up you were wearing like spray your seed across the world. Maybe it's like you just, it felt really good and you feel, who filled it now, you were with somebody and she's a mom in the middle of it. That's still sex too, like that's intimacy. Yeah, okay, so wait, real thing Michael,

let me just tell you that I don't think this is something you have to worry about. And, you know, if you try not to get so in your head about when you're actually having sex and if you are really And, you know, if you try not to get so in your head about when you're actually having sex and if you are really worried, you know, I just think slow things down. My best advice for people who are never at sex before starting out slow down. Go five times slower than you think. I think that we get so nervous in the moment and we think, oh my God, this is the night. We have to make everything perfect and take our clothes,

rush through it. I think if you feel that happening, slow down. It's okay to stop and kiss. Kissing can be the whole event. That's fine too. So, I wouldn't trip on this Michael. You're going to be fine. We're going to do one more email. Who with that? Yeah. You with me? Okay, this is from Josh, 53 in Maryland. This is from Josh, 53 in Maryland. Dear Emily, I'm a bisexual, heteroromantic man, who is a married eminigment with my life for 28 years. She knows I'm bisexual. I've always wanted to have a physical relationship with another man, a buddy to grab a beer with,

watch the ballgame, and get each other off. I've been talking to a similar guy in social media and would really love to get to know him in person. Since I don't have romantic inclinations towards men, I think he and I would be friends and like I am with my other friends, we just help each other orgasm occasionally. Am I being selfish? And is there any proper way I can discuss this subject with my wife without her feeling like I'm asking for permission to cheat on her? Okay, Josh, I read this and I'm like, okay, you've been together for 28 years. And I'm thinking, Sherry knows you, you're bisexual or you've been, you know, bisexual in the

past, I feel like you got to be honest with her. Just like you were in this email, be honest with her. Let her know, explain it exactly how you explain it to me email that you don't have romantic tendencies that you really just want to get off. And then to hear what she has to say about it, you know, and if she gives you her blessing and you guys to dash it out some more, first of all, really listen to her answer. I think we forget sometimes when we like have a conversation

with our partner, it's really just like, more of a monologue and a dialogue. So this is something big you might be talking about, Josh, if you've never brought up, listen to what she says and if she says it's cool and doesn't bother her, maybe she needs some modifications on it, then move forward. But I think you pretty spelled it out.

And I think if you're 20 years, maybe you guys probably have those skills to talk about it. What do you think? Yeah, I think the way that Josh laid out in that email was so, I just thought I was giggling, because I was like, it's so matter of fact. Oh, I'm gonna be proud. I know.

It was cute, because it was so in the queer community we call that like mask for mask. We call that like you're just it's super like broy like we're gonna have a beer. We're gonna get a. I know it was so broy. Like have a beer. Flip on the game and judge each other. You know, jerk each other. Like that's pretty much every queer man's fantasy right. There it is right there. And I just think if you're honest with her and you say it is nonchalantly as you did in that letter, but again, like Emily said, listen to her answer because I, and I'm speaking as somebody who's never been in any kind of relationship long term, but I think if she knows your bisexual and she

loves you and wants you to explore that, I think you can talk about it openly, but I think you have to have, I think you have to be ready for a longer conversation about what that means for her, and what it might actually mean for you, because you might, what if you're with this guy and when it feelings do start to have, like, you know, all that stuff needs to be explored before you do anything, and just laid out in case something happened. It's too late. I think that's so important when you're having the coffee. I think you have to talk about what's going to happen after. Because she might not be cool. Like she might say, you know, it needs to be a stranger.

So when you met online, it can't be any of her friends. Like she might have boundaries around it as well. So you're right. Kind of have mechanisms in place to manage this new part of your relationship. Good advice. Thank you so much Andrew Gurza for being on the show, for sharing all of your stories and talking to us about your podcast and your life as a consultant, disability after dark as your podcast, your also a consultant. Tell us where people can find you and anything else you'd like to share? Yeah, they can find me at www.androgurza.com.

On Twitter, at Androgurza, or Disafft DarkPod, I am available for consulting work and I give lectures and talks and stuff like that. So I'd love to talk to some of you. And if you want to download the podcast, please do so. It's on every podcast platform. I want to get the numbers up there and then. Cool. Well, hopefully this will help you.

Awesome. I'm sure it will. I'm sure it will. And you're doing great work anyway, so keep doing it. Thank you so much, Andrew, for being real and open and vulnerable on the show and we'll put all this in the show notes. So thank you, everyone, for listening. Check out our alternative August survey.

And thank you to my amazing team, Ken Sera, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? E-Mommy. Feedback at sexwithmlay.com.