Sex With Emily - Best of: Hotter, Deeper Sex w/John Wineland

Episode Date: March 3, 2021

In this Sex With Emily best of, I’m joined by sex and intimacy coach John Wineland to discuss the driving force behind attraction, sexual connection, and desire. We discuss the polarity of masculine and feminine energy, what symbolic aspects of anal make it so hot, how to build attraction from the inside out, and give tools to enhance connection.We also get into your questions like why the urge to have an affair can be so strong, how to know if there is enough sexual chemistry to pursue a second date, and what to do to bring sex back into your long-term relationship.For more information about John Wineland, visit: johnwineland.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Let's say you're with a guy and he's not feeling you, but you know, you're making out, but you're just like this guy's not feeling me. And you know, I always encourage women to stop and go, would you like to know what I would need to trust you more? Right. Any man with his salt is going to be, yeah. Right. Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a vigon name. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On this sex with Emily best of episode, I'm joined by sex and intimacy coach John Wyland to discuss the driving force behind attraction, sexual connection, and desire. John Wyland is an LA-based speaker and teacher

leading men and women in the practices of embodied masculine leadership, spiritual intimacy, and sexual polarity. So first, I wanna break something down for you. You're gonna hear us talking a lot about masculine and feminine energies. We all have a masculine and feminine side to us. So I wanna give you a quick explanation

in case this is a new concept to you. So when I say masculine and feminine, I'm not talking about gender. I'm not talking about man or woman or non-binary. What we're referring to are these innate characteristics we all have inside of us. I'm very much of my masculine when I'm at work. I'm a CEO, I'm running a business, I'm managing people. When I'm more of my feminine, that's when I'm on a date or specifically in the bedroom. I am more of a feminine energy in the bedroom. So to give you an example, masculine energy is typically the independent analytical side of us. And that is our left brain, and that could be more creative and practical and visionary. Now, a feminine energy, again, we all have these.

Feminine energy is an intelligent and loving energy, and that's about our intuition, our compassion, empathy, truth. So this is more right brain. So I want to explain to you that we all have it, even if you're in a same sex relationship. When you get into the bedroom specifically, you need someone to lead and you need someone to follow. In a moment, now that could switch. Maybe next time you're together, you lead, you follow, but what we're talking about

is the polarity. Think of it like magnets, okay? Two magnets. If they have the same polarity, they're not going to attract. So the reason why a lot of us suffer in relationship with there's no attraction is because we don't know how to create that energy when we need to create attraction in the bedroom. It gets confusing. So if you're both trying to lead in the bedroom, nothing's going to get done, and if you're both more in your feminine, well, maybe you're keep

waiting for the other person to make a move and nobody's initiating sex. Is that what happened to you? So I really want you all to kind of understand this concept and like go, well, I'm a man, I can't be feminine. And so, again, this is just a way to understand this part of us that we all have and to use it for your benefit. We also discussed the subtle yet powerful difference between a no and not yet. And the symbolic aspects of AIDL play that make it so hot, we also get your questions like why the urge

to have an extra marital affair can be so strong and how to know if there's enough sexual chemistry to pursue a second date and what to do to bring sex back into your long-term relationship. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention. Think about what do I want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? It could be, I want to know more about how masculine and feminine energies are impacting my own relationships.

And my intention is to give you tools to have better relationships, especially the one that starts with yourself. I hope you guys enjoy this interview with John Wyland, wherever you can find more of him at johnwiland.com. If you're looking for more inspiration for your sex life and relationships, we do a lot of lives, we do giveaways, follow me on all social media at Sex with Emily. Alright, enjoy the show. First, I kind of want to talk about this because this is something that you would have your

main tendency of what you do. And if you guys have a list of John's work before, talking about just masculine, feminine breakdown here, because that's kind of the basis of what a lot of what you do. Yeah. So we all have a masculine and a feminine, right? We all have, these are universal energies, like yin and Yang, North Pole, South Pole, consciousness and energy. I mean, the world is filled with, there's two specific laws around intimacy.

The first is that we're all the same. We're all human. You know, I have fear. You have fear. I have soul. You have a soul, if you believe in that, right? I want love. You want love.

And the first step in getting intimacy is to see that in each other. Like, yeah, like, you know, I'm goodness, you're goodness, and kind of give each other, start from that place of where the same. And that's great, but there's not a lot of fucking that, you know what I mean? And so, fucking me, like, not a lot of hotness. Not a lot of hotness, right? So that's the first step is really like finding sameness, like in recognizing each other's humanity. There's also the laws of polarity,

which the universe has to, magnetism is a perfect law of polarity. And what we realized is that along with sameness, there needs to be difference. And this is not gender, the problem is a lot of people can flake this with gender. But that's why you need to do that. Yeah, explain it.

And they're like, no, I'm not like that. I'm like, we all have those energies in us, right? We all have them. And for there to be the deepest kind of sexual intimacy, we need both the sameness recognized and we need the differences recognized. And one way to work with this, I mean, my teacher, David Data, talked about this a lot.

He's written a lot of books on this so you can definitely check out his books, listeners, if you want to get into this. Yeah, D-I-D-A-F-F-Annoted. It's work. And he outlined that for there to be the deepest connection and the hottest sexual polarity, meaning charge, that one person had to animate their masculine

and relax their feminine, and one person had to animate their feminine and relax their feminine, and one person had to animate their feminine and relax their masculine. And when you have that coupled with the, you know, we're one basically, I'm human, you're human, you get really deep connected sex, right? And so the masculine and the feminine, really you're speaking to universal energies that we all have. Now, the rub here is that still, for most people, especially over 30, most men identify with their masculine.

Right. Not all, not all. We're talking about in the bedroom, specifically when it comes to intimate relationships. Yeah, that's the first place, but you know, and we'll get into a little of the distinctions between the two. And then most women identify with their feminine, even though they might have mad masculine capacity in the workplace, in the courtroom,

in wherever they are, whatever they're doing. But at their heart, they would prefer to be ravished and taken somewhere deep, cherished, ravished, taken someplace deeply by somebody that they trust. That's how you know you have a feminine sexual essence. You would prefer to be ravished, penetrated, led, rather than you do the leading, you know, all that stuff. You might want that sometimes, but that's not where you're holding it. Exactly. We're not saying this is absolute. And this comes at when you say ravish, it just reminds you of why so so many people say Why is it that women want to be dominated during sex?

So what does it mean that she wants me to throw it out? It's this base thing that women took all the the Harlem couldn't romance novels of him taking her in his arm There is this fantasy that women have this desire this deep energy This pull that women in in their base feminine desire is it to be Ravis to be taken that a man wants her her partner wants her so badly that he literally can't do any, he has to have her take her, and that's what we're talking about. You walk through a wall. Yeah, really he will rip people apart.

Right. And that's what they mean when she says, throw me against the wall, even if you're like, I was like, oh, it's too aggressive, don't, but she just wants to feel like you couldn't help it. Like you wanted her so badly, your blood was blowing how badly you desired her. Yes. That's what we're talking about. Absolutely. If you prefer that, then you are a feminine essence.

Yes. Obviously. And if you prefer to be the ravisher, and to be washed with the energy, with just really wanting energy, so you want to be surrendered to sexually, which most masculine. I want to just say one thing too, that let's explain that this be gay relationship, same sex couple, the same thing. To make sex hot, there's a masculine and feminine energy.

So I just want to put that out there, that's how it plays. It doesn't matter the gender orientation, the sexual orientation. Someone's following. So let's talk surrender. So with a masculine audience. You want to be trusted fully.

I want to know that I can take you someplace that you can't take yourself sexually, especially. There's a place in your heart, there's a place in your body that you can do all kinds of things on your own, but there's certain things that you can't do by yourself. And for you to surrender your capable leadership, which you're probably pretty good at. And trust me, right? And literally give me your body, your heart, the deepest part of both. That would be a surrender, like a full body. The way it occurs to the masculine partners,

like take me, like take me on your, like kind of like a sexual helplessness. And the masculine craves that deeply to be trusted so much that you'll give me everything. Okay So here's my question. I hear I guess because I'm a woman I understand this more Intrintedly understand that experience. I hear from women all the time. That's what they desire But for men I they don't use those words. I don't like I just want her to be they might say why won't she do anal? But they're not saying to me like, but that's a question of surrender. Right. It is. That's a surround. I mean that that illustrates a

Illustrates exactly that taboo give me your Well for you for you to surrender that kind of that part of your body to me and do it open heartedly and with Complete desire that is a surrender. That's true. That is a Why men love it? Right? I mean, you it. It feels good. It doesn't necessarily feel better than regular sex. But it means something. It means something. It means your surrendering and trusting me.

It is trust. It is trust. It is trust and surrender. Absolutely. Let me give you another example. I hear from many women who are saying my partner or saying this about their male partner is he doesn't want sex as much. He doesn't about their male partner is he doesn't want sex as much, he doesn't initiate.

Sometimes I think he doesn't even like it, he did it at the beginning, I tell him what I want, he doesn't listen. So what about that masculine energy not connecting? Because that's a really common. Yeah. So what's that guy I'll trip that on? Well, you know, there's a couple different ways to go about this. So first of all, men are the masculine, the masculine.

Sometimes I'll say men, because most men are masculine essences, but that's not always true. The masculine prefers peace, nothingness, numbness, emptiness, less. Even the masculine and you, right? And masculine a lot of women these days, you know, a lot of women meditate, they actually love that part. And the masculine and lot of women these days, you know, a lot of women meditate. They actually love that part and the masculine and all of us

prefers that. Well sex and relationship are a whole lot of something. So we're not necessarily, when I say we, I mean, you know masculine guys I consider myself a masculine essence. We love you and yet that's not where we would want to go naturally. Now in the first year, year and a half, there's hormones, there's dopamine, there's, you know, there's all kinds of drugs that are helping us like continually go there. But once you get into a longer term relationship, that's just kind of natural. The masculine is thinking about purpose, thinking about success, I think about freedom. Success to the masculine occurs as freedom. When I'll be free when I write my book, I'll be free when I make this much money. I'll be free when I have this kind of sex. I'll be free when I travel the world.

I'll be free. And so a lot of men are living in that myth that freedom is hitting a goal of some kind. For the feminine, the question is more like, when will there be enough love, right? There'll be enough love when I find the right guy, or there'll be enough love when we have the right sex, or there'll be enough love when my husband does this. There'll be enough, and both of them are myths, right? There's never enough for you. There's never enough anything right?

And there's never enough love, right? Or the flip side, there is enough, as there is in the moment. In the moment, there's, in the moment, exactly, that's a great point. We keep thinking that you're gonna get some of that. That's where it's all gonna happen. And when you the moment. Right in the moment, there's in the moment exactly. That's a great point. We keep thinking that you're gonna get some more. Yeah, that's where it's all gonna happen. And when you get married, you have the kids,

the house, the perfect partner, guess what? But going back to this, I'm gonna go back to the second thing because I liked my example and you thought it would be about women, women, women, you ravaged now that feels, I still can't, I need the example for the men. And then we're gonna move out how that heightened sex feels when he's feeling the... Surrender with the's feeling the surrender.

The surrender, the surrender. Well, can we use your anal example? Please, yes. That really is the perfect example. No, I love it. Let's do it. So let's say I'm with my partner and this is on the table, anal is on the table. And it's obviously something that is not easy for every woman to do.

There's a certain level of trust inherent in that. And there's obviously pain involved sometimes, right? And so there's a certain level of having to relax her body and surrender into me penetrating her deeply. Probably the deepest place in her body. And so I'm penetrating the deepest part of her body. She has to relax her body. She has to open her heart her heart to me, otherwise I don't think she would trust me, right? So there's a whole bunch of things that have to happen that occur to me as absolute surrender of her heart and body.

And the other thing that the masculine craves and sex is the energetic range. Yeah, that's it. Women bring energy, so we're obsessed. Women bring energy, men bring the presence and the structure and the yeah To me and to most guys that I know like that kind of surrender another example would be tying tying you up And so the more we get into the taboo pieces where I'm tying you to the bed and leaving you there for a couple of hours and saying here You get to eat grapes for two hours, and I'll be back Yeah, those kind of that kind of sex play. Yeah

That's why it's such a it's such a hot play for people with legitimate masculine and feminine essences. Because the feminine wants to surrender in her heart to some two. Now this gets into the consent piece we were talking about. To somebody that she can trust implicitly. Right. And it's that trust thing, like I've always said here, and they give people women feel safer, women are more likely to enjoy sex,

report having satisfying sex, and war orgasms when there was someone they can trust. And trust goes so much deeper than just like, I know who he is, I know where he lives, and I feel like he's not gonna hurt me, I googled him, it's Facebook, we've been on Facebook, we're talking about this deeper level trust.

Okay, can we bring that deeper level trust back to anal sex? Okay, let's listen. Okay, so if we're together, we're in a sexual moment, right? And you can't feel me feeling your heart. Like I'm not looking into your eyes, I'm not breathing with you, I'm moving very fast or I'm disconnected, right? I'm not in my body or I'm just kind of rushing. Your heart won't, you won't feel me feeling you. And you won't be able to trust me with anal sex. So the level of,

that's a perfect example for the mask. Like, if you want to go there, man, if it's something you want to go to, this is one of those things where there's a lot of trust that has to be worked up slowly and she really needs to be felt, especially if you're in that part of her body because it could be dangerous, it could be painful. If your heart disconnected, it's abuse. Exactly. It is abuse. And I think that we sense that sometimes when we're like, he's disconnected or he doesn't get it's because it's what we're talking about. And also you guys say, anal sex can be painful but we talk a lot about how to do it so when you're breathing. And if it is painful, you guys, you're not breathing using enough lube and slowing down.

So much about great sex is slowing down. When we come back, John and I walk through all the ingredients that go into having truly great sex. So let's talk about you for a second. So you were, you did not come out of the womb consciously aware. No. I'm assuming. I don't think anybody does.

You're a mess. OK, so let's talk about you being a mess. So how did John Wyland get into this place of consciousness? Yeah. Yeah, so I had lots of failed relationships, right, failed marriage. Most of my failures were my lack of capacity to lead, right? And really sex, good sex, good relationship

is our capacity to have strong nervous systems. Like most people think like, like, your listeners that just happens. Right. But no, good sex is the capacity for me to be with lots of feminine energy, right? And it's the capacity for you to open and reveal when you don't want to reveal, right? So I like most guys thought like if I was a good husband and a good father and I supported her and whatever her career was, that it would be cool. That was all that was needed. But that's just now, nowadays, that's just the anti. That's just the entry point. Exactly. To attract a really good woman into your life. Exactly. Yeah. So I got into this thing and I realized, wow, I'm not happy. She's not happy. I don't know how to like

lead her places or take her places and I don't know. I don't want to most of the time. I'm like, I'm totally disconnected. And so this happened a few relationships in a row, including a marriage. And I came out of it and I was like, fuck something. I don't know how to, I don't know how to do relationship. I'm successful. But I don't know how to do relationship. So I- You were successful in your work, but not in your relationship. Yeah, yeah, I was good father. I was looking godly, I could play with my community. Yeah, I had all the stuff.

Yeah, and I didn't know how to do relationship. And something clicked and I was like, well, if I don't learn the art of how to do relationship, then I'm going to continue to repeat this, right, over and over again. And so I was inspired and I went and found a couple teachers that I really love and I just started going there and it was like a revelation right that this these concepts that we're talking about today like what does it mean to be embodied like what does it mean to have sex from that place what does it mean to create masculine

and feminine polarity what does it mean to ravish your heart? Like what ravish your heart? How the fuck do I do that? Can you do that now on the show? No. Okay. Sure. Sure. I mean, of course, yeah, if you and I stood in front of each other and I looked into your eyes and I felt your heart and I started to breathe with you and I started to feel the part of me that desired you, you would start to feel like I was ravishing you. It can happen. I mean, this is the thing about attraction. It's not a choice. And if your listeners could get that, that attraction isn't a choice. So on the other side, if you were sitting next to me and you just started to get connected to the place of you that's pleasure, right, that feels pleasure, that loves pleasure, I would have no choice but to start

looking at you. I couldn't help it. It start looking at you. I couldn't help it. It would be like physics. I could not help it. You could feel that energy. I was like, took a moment, breathe. I was like, pleasure and vulnerability. You put those two together and that is irresistible for the masculine.

Depth and fierce love are irresistible to the feminine. And if you practice actually making those things felt through your body, then your partners will be attracted to you. So let's say I start practicing, I'm learning these practices and I'm my body, but I'm with a partner who he's just one of these regular guys.

He doesn't really know how. What matter? He would feel it. He would totally feel it. So it's not even like if someone's listening to like my partner doesn't, they could do the work on their own, maybe their partner would. Yeah. You think it's like that?. So it's not even like if someone's listening to like my partner doesn't they could do the work on their own Maybe they're partner with you think it's like that. Yeah, it's like that. Yeah, I heard about this

It's like that because you evoke we're always evoking from our partners and the world the opposite of the energetic that were You know that that we're putting out so if you are at the extreme ends of the feminine, right, in your body at any moment, then you're going to evoke the deepest masculine that I have. And vice versa. And so if people just learn to evoke. So what do you have to do? Let's say I was shut down and you were the guy. How would you? I would be present. I would be present. Yes, and I'd be present. And I would start to put my awareness, meaning I would start to put my attention inside meaning I would start to put my attention

inside of you, in your heart, on your breath. I would kind of feel where you're at, like, how's your day been? Like, oh, she's in a bad mood or whatever it is. I would do something from that place that would open you, free you, create energy in your body. Like, any number of things that I could do, but most men are trained to avoid the bad mood. You know, avoid when she's in a bad mood. You know, I was one I hear like, she's like a self-cleaning oven, let her clean herself.

Yeah, well, they don't have to handle all the energy coming out of the way. Because they haven't trained their nervous system. Okay, so that's, let's talk. Okay. So women, yeah, we're gonna have that energy. We're gonna have good days bad days And many can have those too

But we're saying or in the feminine and you teach them how to kind of Whether that if you well or touch you deal with how to hate how to take it in a knot because women That's what when you said how's your day? I'm like that's all we want like ask us how our day right? I mean many women I've been in those kind of relationships and I think people can relate really he doesn't even ask He doesn't you know and so I mean, you know, and so, I mean, I know it's just not just about that, but there's a certain presence to that and it's from care.

You want more, though. Of course. You want more. You don't want us to just ask how you're dead. You want us to feel. Right, like how you feel about your day. Right. And then love that.

Right, so, you know, I do see a lot of men like suffer through the, okay, I'm gonna come home I'm gonna ask her how it day is I would be there for like 15 minutes and she's still going That can all be avoided if I came into the house and no matter what mood you were in I kind of like pressed my belly into you and I breathed with you and I just gave you a couple seconds of really meticulous attention and If you were in a bad mood, I would do something.

I mean, I've done all kinds of things, and try this at your own, you know, on risk listeners. But I've thrown her over my shoulder and spanked her. I've twirled her around. I've said, come sit on my lap with your bad mood. And I'd kiss her neck until she giggles. And I would do anything, usually the formulas is.

Those are all work, by the way. Totally, they always work. Physicality, some kind of physicality, some kind of attention and awareness, right, and often humor. So if men just learn to master those things and they bring it, they can bust through virtually any bad mood. Even the guys who are the most blocked at you are like that. For you what does-

Yeah, I mean I had some skills but you know nothing, nothing close and I had to practice. Man I had to go out and vote dates like we would have these workshops where we got on these vote dates and my teacher would send us out and he'd say okay so your job is to make this woman have a whole body orgasm the entire dinner. Right so we would have to practice certain things and we'd have to... Did she know that you were trying to have that? Yes, yes, it was all set. And her job was to make me want to give her,

you know, and so we would have to go to... Yeah, we would have to go to these dower-long dates and we'd actually practice what that looks like. And we'd always fail somewhat. And we'd always succeed somewhat. Then we come back and we talk about what we did. And so this is, you know, like any skill, you've. Then we come back, we talk about what we did. This is like any skill, you've got to practice this stuff.

Right. Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about embodiment. Because I've been talking about that on the show a little bit, like through, it comes out, but we talk about being embodied, being in your body, and you, you know, it's a thread of all the work that you do. So, let's talk about it. How do you define it?

So, let me just consume out for one second. So there's three ways that we could have sex, right? We could have sex physically, meaning, you know, bodies, two bodies together, right? Focusing on the outside of your body. You know, there's the clitoris and there's the breast and there's, you know, I have a penis and there's that whole thing, right?

And that's where most of us live, right? In the physical realm. There's also emotional sex. Like, you could feel me feeling your heart. We talked about penetration, right? So I could penetrate you emotionally, like, feel what you're feeling really deeply and all the way up and down your body, if I practice.

And then the third part of sex is this energetic piece where we're talking, where one of us is in our feminine and one of us is in our masculine. And we're having sex from that energetic place, right? So it feels literally like the whole body is being, you know, you're inviting me with your whole body and I'm penetrating you with my whole body, or it's energetic. So most of us live in that first realm. And so this embodiment piece is

essential to get into those higher realms. Like, and in the third realm, that's where we're talking about, hour long sex, multiple orgasms, weeping, cervical orgasms, you know, withholding ejaculation, spiritual sex. Like, you know what, Amber says, it was a spiritual experience. That's what we're talking about. And I think that's what, yeah, that's what a lot of people I think, when they want more connection, but that's another layer,

but I think people would be like, I want that. Yeah, absolutely. The fact is, I want that. I want to have my sex to inspire me and make me, you know, feel divine and fill me with love and make me happy to be alive.

Right. So embodiment is the practice of moving from living in our heads, which most of us do, we're thinking, thinking, thinking, we've got our iPhones out, we're literally living energetically in our heads and moving us down energetically through breath and just breath and awareness. If you breathe into your belly and you place all your awareness into the lower part of your body, you're actually going to be felt in the lower part of your body, right? So the practice of literally becoming more aware of our bodies and using breath to be in our bodies.

And then the other piece of embodiment is taking something that is ethereal. Like, let's call it seduction. And then the other piece of embodiment is taking something that is ethereal. Let's call it seduction. So it takes seduction, most women would love to know how to seduce a man more. So this is an ethereal concept, but you could actually make that real through your body so that not only you felt like so confident and in touch with the seductress in you, like so confident and in touch with the seductress in you, but I would feel it. So it's almost like your body becomes a transmitter

for this ethereal concept, or we could take fierce love, right? And I could get so present and so filled with this thing that you would feel fierce love coming from me. Even if I just like came in the door, I was on my phone like doing a snap or something. Now it might take longer than 30 seconds for you to feel it, but if I stayed there and I just kept looking at you,

like I fucking love you, you're so beautiful, like and I just was giving you that energy through my body. You'd have no choice. I really, forget to snap. You'd have no choice, yeah eventually. I'm not gonna send that to you. Right, no.

Unless you were really mad at me about something that you hadn't worked out, but that's a whole different now. Right, okay. Is it the kind of thing Unless you're really mad at me about something, you hadn't worked out, but that's a whole different. Right. Is it the kind of thing, if you're going, yeah, I want that, or maybe they don't want that, they're like, I'm just happy I found the clitoris last week, which is awesome. Guys, we're not saying this is the only way to have sex. I feel like when I first started learning years ago, people think of tantra, I think, well, you know, breathing together and delayed ejaculation, all that, but we're not even labeling it that it's more like, like We would both have to when we see each other connect before we actually had penetrative sex of course We would breathe together and we would right or did it now?

Is it just like with your just flipped on for you when you're with someone? I was a more like you still have to have that intention together and meet at that place Yeah, well men are more like blow torches and women are more like crock bots in this realm, right? So so yeah, it takes some, of course, it takes time. In fact, I say women shouldn't even have sex unless they're feeling like the man that they're with fully, like eye contact, does he feel my heart? Is he with me fully, like hopefully matching, you know, matching breath. So a way to start having energetic sex is to start breathing

with somebody, slow it down. Yeah. I guess what I've experienced and think a lot of people is that it's just this, um, all those layers from childhood, from life, like people that don't like touch for example, like you were like, I don't want to be touched that long or it makes me uncomfortable. I mean, I like what you're saying, it invited out, but well, if you buy this concept that you're going to evoke from him, a deeper version of him by revealing more of what's true. Like so for example, let's say you're with a guy and he's not feeling you. But you know, you're making out, but you're just like this guy's not feeling me and you know, I always encourage encourage women to stop and go,

would you like to know what I would need to trust you more? Right, okay. Would you like to know, you know, would you, I mean, and rather than abandon themselves and have sex when they don't feel fully connected. Which so many women, I think they do that. And men, but I think I hear this woman all the time that they're like, I just kept going

because it's already started and I didn't want to stop it and feel rejected, but how great to be that if you are embodied and you are that self-aware, because you should never continue with anything. There's no contract, you don't have to be there, but to be able to have that self-awareness and stop it and say, you know what I would really need?

I mean, then what would I say? Any man with his salt is gonna be, yeah, unless he's just so triggered by a powerful woman or anything like that. So you might say, you know, like I would need you to look into my eyes. I would need you to kiss me slower. Or I would need to feel you like really feeling my body.

Or I would need you to, I mean, in most women don't even know they can ask this shit. Right, it's so good. Yeah. Yeah. It will evoke the part of him, because men want to make you happy. We want to make you happy. They do.

They really do. And we want to make men happy, but we just, we don't know how. Yeah, but feel the difference between I would need you to feel my body versus like slow down. Or like moving his hand someplace, which is what, you know, which is, it one occurs to the masculine as a heartfelt request. The other occurs as kind of a, I don't wanna even use this term, but it does occur to men like this, like a castration. Right.

Like, I don't trust you to fuck me well. So I'm gonna tell you how to fuck me. Right, exactly. And most guys would not be with a woman like that. But I would want to be invited, would want to be, I mean, she can ask anything she needs to ask. Right. But there's that art to do it.

There is an art, and that's what you teach to this work, which I think is fascinating. What if I could give them something, a communication piece, because it's your thing, communication is lubrication, right? So what I would need to trust you more, right? I mean, who's going to argue with that? I know. I love it. It's it's so easy to ask all right. Find somebody else. We all want more attention and energy. Feel loved. We want to feel rushed and guys like I do I look

here by you, but I'm doing this other thing. So you teach them to first get other bodies connect, breathe together. I love what you said about coming home and like hugging and breathing together. Like that would just change everything. You know, then you'd feel more connected. We're gonna take a quick break but stick around. John and I are answering your questions like, can you tell from one date how much sexual chemistry you could have? Be right back after quick word from our sponsors. Let's get into emails because actually a lot of these topics are going to be touched on in some of these emails.

Hi Emily, I'm a long time listener and I love your show. Thanks for helping educate everyone on sexual health issues. I'm currently divorcing my wife of 20 years. Our sex life was part of the problem leading to our divorce. Her libido was not inistent, especially after kids. I had an affair about six months before the divorce started. I was sure I'd have a future with the other woman, but it hasn't worked out that way. She really gave me something I was missing for so long, making me feel incredibly desired

and attractive. Since it didn't work out with her, I've been trying to move on. I met another woman who, on paper, is everything I could want. She's funny, attractive, has her life together. She seems to enjoy spending time with me. The problem is I don't have that burning draw to her that I did with the affair. How realistic is it to expect that hot attraction in a relationship? The sex with a new woman is good. It's more of a feeling that's missing. Something that's hard to explain. I'm starting to wonder if that feeling I had with the affair was mostly because the affair was forbidden, which adds to the heat. I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts. Key up the awesome work, James, 43 Ohio. So,

James, yeah, thank you for your question here. So I'm just smiling because I mean, this is so many things that we hear about. And my first thought when reading this is like, I think that maybe you should take some time without a relationship right now. Totally. And like, dude, like you are going from one to the next, the next, and 20 years with your wife. I think that there's some unpacking to do and figure out what did you learn from that experience? So you don't, what do you really want now?

You're James, you're at a different place in your life now than you were 20 years ago. And just trying to date, kind of fill that void right now. You're so used to having a woman with you. I think that you need to do some work on yourself. And then figuring out, you know, right? Would you say, John? Like, I see John and who are you? Smiling and smiling and not because men need to and they very rarely do take time without

any dating, any sex just completely get connected to themselves, find out who they are, find out what the issues were because if we're always chasing a woman, find out who they are, find out what the issues were, because if we're always chasing a woman, right, or doing that, then we're never really looking at ourselves. So I took almost a year with no dating, no sex, no flirting. Literally, like, I'm just going to, like, I'm going to break my leaves and I'm going to meditate and I'm just going to be with myself and find out what's going on. Why are my relationships always faded away this way?

I agree with you completely. Take the time off, man. Take six months. Really let it go. From that place, see, this is what we're talking about, from that place of the masculine grows in solitude, right? And so he'll actually develop a stronger masculine himself, which will attract someone who is more, who's probably more energetically inspiring to him. But if he's coming from this place, if I'm just jumping from one relationship to the other, he's bringing this kind of muddled, energetic, and most really good women,

it'll feel like I can't trust this guy. He's not even really leading himself. Yeah. So he'd have to do some work that not to be alone sitting home, like watching TV, drinking beer. Now that that's anything wrong with that sometimes, but I'm saying like he'd have to really do some of this

thinking about what he wants. Yeah, what do I need to do before I die? Right? What's the kind of relationship that I really want to create? Why haven't I been able to create it? Most guys that I lead through this process and I lead quite a few. The shit comes up, you don't have to wait too long, like month or two by yourself and all of a sudden, like grief and sadness and fear and all of this shadow stuff that's been

there for years. For sure. We'll start to come up and you really need to clear that out because If not what do you bring into the relationship? Just this unprocessed stuff Exactly, and we all have that stuff so that's why I'm saying everybody needs to do this because James We're not even to have you with these women. I think you just need some time along right now, James Okay, hi Emily and crew your team is so awesome and helpful

I've been listening to this show for about six months now and it's really helped me get more in touch with my sexuality. I'm so thankful. Now that it's been six months since my last relationship, I'm getting back into the dating game. I recently gone on a few first dates with two different guys via dating apps. I'm curious about attraction and first dates. Specifically, those dates that come about from a dating app.

I found this recent guy physically attractive in some ways and in other ways not so much. I endured a conversation and I felt as though our personalities clicked. I'm not sure if I feel enough sexual chemistry or attraction. Can you tell just from one date how much sexual chemistry we could have it? Is it worth it to go on a second date if I'm unsure? Any help and advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks to Million Jackie 23 Fresno, California. I love this question because I'm thinking about like, first of all, I think about this a lot. I get a lot of questions about this for men and women. And I think if I don't feel on the first date,

if the first kiss wasn't there, it was really bad. Like, should I just end it? Like, we had a great talk and a great connection. And I say, no, like, you have to give it another try. I believe, unless it was like horrible. horrible and there was something that was just against something that you just, there's too many red flags. But if it's just that you didn't necessarily have the chemistry, but you found that there was something, I think that we go into dates, we have so much fear. We're not, most people are not embodied and really know what they're

looking for or nervous. We might have me tapped into our sexual energy at that moment, even if we're trying to, we were attracted to you. There's a lot they could go wrong. So I feel like she should. If you're unsure, and it's not like it's definitive, no, that people should give it another chance. No, I would agree with you. It's dependent on all those things. I would have her get clear on what she really wants. Like, what do you want this man, whoever he is, whether it's this guy or not? And then she could practice. Like, I tell women, use dating as practice for really coming from a place of your deepest femininity.

If you, what you want from a man is someone who leads you, someone who can take you, some place you can't take yourself, what does practicing that on a date look like? If you want somebody who's a free, free, free, free, free. Because you want to lead, don't tell them how to drive. I don't tell them where the directions don't like, literally, like, don't get the check, don look like. If you want somebody who's a meat, don't tell them how to drive. I don't tell them where the directions don't like, literally don't get the check, don't like. Like literally, okay. Literally do not, literally sit on your hands.

Don't even do the reach. Don't even do the reach. Really, I always do the reach. I've heard this. Not if you want him to lead. If you don't, if you want like an equal partnership, then that's a different thing. But for what are you wanting from a man?

Like what's most important for a partner? And if they're clear on that and then they just practice finding ways to be the opposite of that, then. You can example that. So how could be the opposite of that? Okay, so what happens a lot in dating is that women are so capable, right, that they actually step in and lead a date. Yeah, so practice is waiting. Like, I don't know, I trust you. Like, I trust you.

Where would you like, you know, it's up to you. I'm here with you. Like, I trust you. And because men actually have been taught, and this is one of those byproducts of post-feminist life, right, that we should like you know check Which is great and it's very polite, but when you're talking about sexual polarity that stuff should go out the window and This is controversial in a lot of ways, but fuck it, you know what I mean so let's do it so You know why not let him lead and you can just wait I'm sure you'll pick a great place

and you can just wait. I'm sure you'll pick a great place. But when you feel like she never knows and then we'll get there and she won't like anything, like guys are like, they know they always say no. No, no, no, men are dying, men are dying to like go, okay, great, let me show you this, my favorite place. Okay. And then you're on the way there and you know.

Don't waste for him. Don't waste, yeah, do not waste for him. Absolutely do not waste. Don't say this way is quicker. And literally, and literally let him go. not ways for him, absolutely do not ways. Don't say this way is quicker. And literally, and literally let him lead. Because if you do that, then you'll actually see, is there spark? Is there polarity?

Because he'll evoke more masculine from him. You'll be sort of like, you know, in a certain way, surrendered a little bit to his leadership, because you're just making the choice to do that. And if there's no sexual energy there, then maybe you know, like maybe, or he doesn't. Like, let's say you really, your woman, this woman here, and she goes,

and she really tries to just let him lead the whole experience. Now, she gives him kind of a moment to moment feedback. Like, let's say he does something really cool, like he pulls out her chair. So rather than just kind of like not saying anything, there's like a like a smile or a giggle or something that tells him I like this. Yeah, you gotta let him know that he's too right? Otherwise, guys are dense. Guys are dense. Yeah, they are. Right? We need to know. They go, wow, thanks for doing that. Yeah, I'm big on the reinforcement. I'm like, I really

appreciate that. That felt so great when you kissed my neck. Totally. Six years ago. Can you do it again? And then we want to do more of it. Right. And if you literally do that and the guy is not responding, well, then you have some pretty good information.

I would even give that a couple of dates if it's a good date. Give it a couple of dates. It's true. So that's interesting. So Jackie, I feel like, give it another chance, but then also figure out what you want. And literally everything in life that we want to do, whether it, you know, work, Jackie, I feel like given another chance, but then also figure out what you want and literally everything in life That we want to do whether you know work health personal is about figuring out what you want And you think that would be such an easy task

But it's really really hard. You think well, it's what I want like no one else can tell me But even what they do and I'm like figure out what you want I think people don't even know where to start because they think that they know what they want and it might not be like so I think it's less complicated than that, especially for women, right? There's not a woman that I talk to, and I talk to hundreds of them that don't want presence.

I think not like from Tiffany's wrapped up the photo, but like your presence, your capacity to be in the here and now and feel, right? There's not a woman alive that doesn't want to be felt deeply, there's not a woman alive that doesn't want to be, you know, held in presence. It's so true. It's the new currency. It's more valuable, the ability to lead and be present with a woman is more valuable

than being able to make money and take care of her or keep her safe. 100 years ago it was different. It's so true. Now, depth, presence, integrity, all of these sort of noble, masculine traits are really, truly valuable in relationship. They really are. Most women just, most women when I actually question them, like, oh, I want to go as my best friend.

It's a good good. And like, didn't you really, like, couldn't you have a woman that's your best friend? But then this guy is like fully present with you and fucks you to God. And like, you know what I mean? Like, wouldn't you rather have that from your lifetime partner?

Yes. I never thought the best friend thing made sense. But I was like, no, I have enough friends. Like, you don't need to be my best friend. No. But talk about fucking me to God. Because I've seen you at your quotes, what exactly does that mean?

Well, in fact. What I know if I were to even fuck to God, so I probably would have to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there would be, it would be something you'd want to happen again. Let me get it again. I actually, my teacher, a guy named David Data, actually coined that term.

What it means is it means having, having the kind of sex that leaves a woman feeling like she was opened by God, like in touch with the divine. And you know, without getting too woo here because we are in LA, but being penetrated so deeply that she's a puddle, she's, yeah. I think I've had that. Yeah, yeah.

Most people have those experiences. Not enough. Right. Okay. I love it. It's great. All right. Very helpful with another email. Right. Okay. I love it. It's great. All right.

Very helpful. We have another email. Hi, Emily. I'm a recent listener during my work commute. I love all the great information you're very inspiring. Here's a little background. My wife is two years younger than me. We've been married for almost five years.

And she's the only woman I've ever slept with. We have a three-year-old girl and my wife is currently six months pregnant. With our son, we abstain from sex until we were married. At the beginning of our marriage. The sex was pretty good and fairly often. Within a short time though, the frequency really went down. On average, we have sex once every two to three months. Last time we had sex, I went down in her for several minutes

and she went nuts. It was so hot. I find myself horny a lot because I find her extremely attractive plus she's my wife. But I have to resort to masturbating almost daily so that I won't bother her with sex requests. How would I talk to her about our intimacy? Any time I bring it up she either gets defensive and shuts down or she just gets really apologetic and blamed herself and feels bad. Right now she's blaming her lack of desire on the pregnancy but when she's not pregnant it's

no different. I'm trying to read more about sexual health and marriage, and I love listening to your podcast. I want to tell her about everything I'm learning and how good it can be for us. I often feel disin from her like we don't have a connection anymore. I feel like we're just roommates. I'm really open to how I can move forward with the situation. Please share your thoughts with me. Thank you, Nick 26.

I know. I know. It's just go Nick. Yeah. Nick, I love this email, and thank you for emailing me and for listening and I hear what you're saying here. It's been busy, you guys got married, now you have another kid on the way and you guys just probably doesn't sound like you were really connecting initially.

I mean, you're having sex at the beginning, like most couples do, which is why they don't think it's work and you're having great sex and now you're wasting pregnant for a long time. By last few years, it sounds like, and how do you talk about the intimacy? I think almost always when I see a couple like this and this happens a lot, it's because there's withholds and resentments that aren't being shared.

Yeah, and so when a woman is losing sexual attraction for a man, it's because she doesn't trust him to hold her truth and her feelings. So as a man, I would say something like, I would set up a conversation where, look at me, I can tell that since we're not being intimate, no, it's not your fault, I know, the I know it's not your fault,

and I know you don't want me to feel bad, is a great way to take the blame off of her, completely. But I know there must be something that you're withholding. So I just want you to take five minutes and you're just gonna tell me everything that you haven't told me or that you need to tell me places where you're upset with me or places where you have judgments about me

or places where you feel like I'm not showing up or things that I'm doing, they're bothering you. And I'm just gonna listen and let you know. And if a man can actually do that and a woman can bring all of that truth and he can not collapse and he can actually do that and a woman can bring all of that truth and he cannot collapse And he can actually say, wow, baby, that makes sense. Thank you for sharing that with me like I'm so glad you got off your chest Yeah, get defensive and that's a sexy man

That's a sexy man and that's sexy man and and so women often their libidos are often connected to resentments and withholds and if they don't feel like they can share them with their man because he's too upset, then that will cause the libido to take a plummet. I've seen this again and again. So he has to also though, be in the place where Nick is able to do that. Like that's such a hard, like it sounds so easy when we're saying it, but for him to be like,

oh wow, that and just brain you up and thinking, we've already talked about this. It wasn't my fun, you know, and you have to be like, oh wow, that, that, and just brain you up thinking, we've already talked about this. It wasn't my fun. And you have to just be that still man. Yeah, because if she's feeling it, it's true for her. Whether or not, I mean, most, you can't argue with these feelings. You can't argue, we can't argue with her, especially a feminine being, right? Yeah.

And the other thing that's happening with them is, you know, the feminine, the feminine and me, the feminine you, feminine anybody, it's the part of us that wants love. Right, so if I'm in my feminine, I'm wanting to connect with you. I'm, and I do this with my girlfriend all the time. I'm like, hey, maybe. You know, that's my feminine, like, let's connect. The part of me that wants to not be burdened

and be free is my masculine. So they reversed it. He's now wanting to connect. Like, why aren't we connecting? Why aren't we shabbing more love? And she's now wanting to connect. Like, why are we connecting? Why aren't we having more love? And she's like, don't bother me. I'm pregnant. You know, and it's, it's a reverse of polarity. So the way to get that back, Nick, is to take responsibility for the where the relationship is 100%. Like, baby, I have, I must not have made it safe for you to share what's going on with you. I must not, I blamed you. I must have been blaming you for our sex life.

It's totally not your fault, of course, you know, but I want us to create a culture where you can bring anything to me. You can tell me anything and and I'll just listen and love you for it. Okay. So Nick's in Idaho and he's holding the space for her and he's saying all this stuff. And then what? And they's like, okay, that's good babe. I got it.

I think I of telling me, and now I'm gonna be better on all those 18 million things that Europe's set with me about. Content doesn't matter. The content really doesn't matter. What matters is that she feels very... That she was able to,

that she was able to express it. And it's the way he's talking, it's the way he's saying it. And he's just listening. Well, I love a Mago dialogue, I teach this, and you can find it, if you email me or whatever I can send it to him. But the Mago dialogue is a great container where she brings it, and and you can find it, you know, if you email me or whatever I can send it to him.

But the Amago dialogue is a great container where she brings it and at the end of it he just says, you know, maybe that makes sense. And then he will empathize with her. Like, I can imagine that when I do this, like this makes you feel crazier. I can imagine when I'm on the couch and I don't, you know, clean up after myself, you want to kill me and I can imagine that this and I can imagine that. And he literally puts her feeling as a head of his. And the capacity to do that is a really important container.

And that's the thing, one of the things that I think men need to learn how to lead. Men need to learn how to fair it out these withholds and these resentments and these judgments. Cause I don't know a woman on the planet that does not have a men to, but the feminine's really keen that way. It's true.

I told it to her. And she might not even know, like really if there's so many of them, but if he lets her kind of just go, I think this is pretty advice. It's not easy. Well, and she wants to know that she can bring it all, a woman wants to know she can bring all of her to a man,

and he's not gonna collapse, he's not gonna attack her, he's not gonna to, you know, attack her, he's not going to become a little boy, he's going to hold it. And in the end, he could say, all right, baby, thank you. I mean, you know that contempt is the number one killer of relationships. Yes, got me. Well, the antidote to contempt is empathy. So if I'm practicing this muscle, we talked about building muscle.

If I train my nervous system to hear what's going on with you without being overly reactive and I actually train my nervous system to feel you more than I'm feeling myself, I'm building the skills to be able to have the, you know, you're talking about emotional sex, that's emotional sex. Right, it is. That's the emotional sex, yeah. And there's a lot of women. You get the emotional sex down,

the other sex will happen. I've seen it turn around. I've seen this practice alone turn around tons of relationships where they weren't having sex at all, and then, you know, I'll get emails like, my God. I'm sure I would have had that. We haven't done anything else. We haven't done anything else.

She's that practice. Well, just that practice, that's amazing. I love it. And people can fight, so John, you're amazing. This was such a wonderful show. You have to come back on again. And I think that this can be really inspiring for a lot of our listeners.

So they can find you at John, Wyland, johnwiand.com, anything else? I'm excited. No, no, this is fun. I could wear out on this stuff all day. It's amazing. Well, thank you for being here. I appreciate it.

Thank you to all my listeners. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter.

It's all at Sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many great articles that I've been deep into topics like, How do I have multiple orgasms? How do I less longer and bad? How do I stop thinking about my ex?

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