Sex With Emily - Best of: How to Initiate Sex

Episode Date: June 18, 2022

It’s one of the most common questions I get: how do I initiate sex the right way?Listen: there’s no one “right” way to initiate sex. But I’ll be honest, it might take a little warm up period to get everyone ready and on the same page. That’s because sex is just as much a head game as a body one, so in this episode, we’re helping you calm your nerves before initiation, recover from failed initiations, and walk into each sexual encounter with more confidence. At the end of the day, we all crave intimacy, and we all want to please our partners – and by the end of this episode, I think you’ll feel much more clear on how to arouse your partner.  Show Notes:6 Ways to Upgrade Your 69She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Let me tell you why I wasn't right, because you were new at dating. You said he was texting you every two weeks. So for a lot of people that wouldn't feel right, I'd be like, where'd you go? You want to talk more often, so there probably were signs there, like when you were with them was probably great. But then, you know, maybe you got busy in your life, but I would say there were probably signs that it wasn't perfect. In the sense of, like, you probably there were signs that he was seeing other people or

that was going to drop off. You know what I'm saying? So, let that experience go from a year ago. perfect in the sense of like, you probably there were signs that he was seeing other people or that was gonna drop off. You know what I'm saying? So let that experience go from a year ago. We tend to hang on to our last experience that was the most intense. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

It's one of the most common questions I get. How do I initiate sex the right way? Listen, there's no right way to initiate sex, but I'll be honest, it might take a little warm-up period to get everyone ready and on the same page, and that's because sex is just as much a head game as a body one. So in this episode, we're helping you calm your nerves before initiation, recover from failed initiations, because that happens and Walk into each sexual encounter with more confidence at the end of the day

We all crave intimacy, right? And we all want to please our partners So by the end of this episode I think you'll feel much more clear on how to raise your partner Intentions with Emily for each, join me in sending an intention for the episode. I do it and it'll help you ground in the episode and figure out what you want to learn from it. Well, my intention is to help you cut yourself some slack when it comes to sexual initiations. Because listen, they can be nerve-wracking, but once you feel more secure about how to invite someone into an erotic vibe, it's going to be much easier

to create pleasure together. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Six Ways to Upgrade Your 69 is Up at Sex with Emily.com. Also check out my YouTube channel, my social media, and TikTok at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me more questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name

your age where you live and how you listen to the show and totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. So in today's episode we're talking about sex initiations which I get can be really intimidating, especially if you don't know what you're doing. You don't know how to initiate sex because you're used to someone always initiating sex with you, or maybe you tried it before and got rejected. I get it all around it can be confusing, because it's also really vulnerable. That's why I'm taking your emails and calls today on the matter. But before we get started, I thought I'd offer three quick tips about sexual initiation. The idea here is that we're warming things up and getting both people in

an erotic headspace. And even if you're already there yourself, there's still some warming up that needs to happen. So next time you want to initiate sex with a partner, instead of going right in for the kill, try warming up with these tips. Number one, you wanna build some sexual tension with words. So this is flirting, teasing, and giving a really sincere compliment. Just kinda looking at them and saying, you know, I gotta say, you look so hot today.

I love that dress you're wearing. Are that shirt really shows off your eyes? I love the way you're wearing. Are that shirt really shows off your eyes? I love the way your eyes sparkle. So specific and sincere. And listen, even if words aren't your love language, I believe that compliments are everyone's love language. Even if it's hard to take compliments, who doesn't love to hear a sincere compliment?

It'll help get you in the mood, help you feel more connected to your partner. Next thing, kiss and do it creatively. Yes, you can lean in and kiss them right in the lips, or you can look into their eyes and ask, can I kiss you? And then lean in to kiss them on the neck, which is just, I don't know, I love a neck kiss.

It's just unexpected, a little bit more lusty, and just something a little bit different. So get creative with your kissing. Kiss the bottom lip instead of the upper lip, kiss the forehead, kiss the cheek, you know, or just start with a neck, because again, neck kissing is hot. Next, use some suggestive touch. So instead of immediately reaching your hand down their pants, try rubbing their inner thighs, rubbing above their clothes, playing with their shirt collar.

I mean, you're initiating the sex. You know, you're not having sex. You're building up the sex. So everything I'm talking about here is part of the foreplay. So think about those tips when you're thinking about jumping into sex. You don't want to be the part of it just like tapping on the knee and saying, hey, let's do it. You know, that is not going to get most partners going and ready for action. So think about those tips and let's get into your questions. Hey, Dr. Emily, my question for you, other than having sex conversations with my significant other,

what are some ways to help me and my significant other be more intimate with each other? We both have busy jobs and recently it's affected how we have sex with each other because I want her to express and see how sexy I know she is. Is this just communication between us as there's something I can do to help her? So I believe what you're saying here, Scott, is how do I get her to be more into sex and how to initiate sex is what I think you meant here. First off, you're said that you're having sex conversations with her. What you're really craving is intimacy. So I just want to say that. I love that you know that about yourself because I think ultimately

if you look at it, that's what a lot of us crave. I mean, sure we want to have sex, we want to have the orgasms I spoke about and have the feel-good hormones. And what you might need to do in this goes for everybody is that

we have to be really specific when we make a request to our partner about something that we want, especially when it comes to intimacy and your sex life, maybe we want her to initiate more. Here's the thing about initiating. There is one partner that always initiates more than the other. But just telling your partner, for example, you never initiate.

Why don't you initiate sex? I really wish you would initiate more rarely does that work. And what happens is that one partner becomes resentful because they're waiting. Like I told you to initiate and the other partner heard it and then thought, I don't know when or when they're having their time thinking, oh yeah, that's a good idea. But remember that initiating sex is actually a skill and a habit. And if you don't have either one of those or experience with it, it's not going to naturally occur to you.

You might already have a built-in mechanism that's like, well, this isn't a good time to initiate or, oh, I'll do it after dinner, I'll do it on Saturday. And since it's something new, it's your edge, it might not happen. So I believe that in a relationship where you're talking about sex and you have good relationship in all these other areas, that your partner really does want to please you. And if they said yes, they'll do it. They likely want to.

But remember that you need to paint a picture for them about what that looks like. So for example, Scott, if you want her to initiate more, you might just need to say to her, you know what, I'd really love if you brought sex to the table. And here's what it looks like. This is where we have to give an example. So Scott, you might feel like, you know what, I can't but you doesn't know that and doesn't mean she's never turned on.

But listen, it's well documented that women have more of a responsive arousal, meaning we respond to stimuli. Seeing something, maybe our partner starts to touch us or cartel us and then we get in the mood, but for men, it's more spontaneous, right? So you see your wife and you get an erection.

Like it's literally a spontaneous external, you are turned on. But since it's different for women, especially in your relationship, it might take a little bit more explanation. So you could say to her, I would love it if you initiated. So the next time given example, after dinner, I'd love you to come over and start kissing my neck, the back of my neck and put your arms around me and do that thing that you do. It could just be one me and do that thing that you do. It could just be one thing like that that will signal to her, oh, this is going to signal to you that I'm trying to initiate sex. And then you got to go roll with it. It might not be perfect,

it might be clunky, but what isn't when we're learning a new skill, right? We're never just like excellent at it out of the gate and taking it from somebody who I had to learn it because I was always having partners initiate. I was like, this is something that I do not do. And it wasn't because I didn't want sex. I just knew it was going to happen. And if it didn't happen sometimes after I'm with someone for one look, okay, I'm like, okay, we just watched TV here.

We did our thing. But I had to have a partner say to me, you never initiate. I was like, God damn it. Am I that person? I also am not initiating in a relationship and this is my job to do everybody else and do it. And so I had to hear it. First I'm like, I do. And then I thought, God, I really haven't lately.

And so I just, I really thought about it. And even for me, it is my expertise. I had to think about it before I went to his house. Like, okay, so I'm gonna wear this thing. And I actually was really great for me personally because I, I don't know if this is familiar, I had all these things that I'd bought that made me

feel sexy. I had like this really beautiful, like black body suit that had lace on it. And I had to sat and like I'd that had lace on it, and I sat in the, I blurred on it to wear some time. And I never was in the mood or I'd forget. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna wear this body suit. I'm gonna bring over why I always did this, but like my favorite sex story or something,

whatever, whatever I had to try for work that week. And I went there with the intention that I'm going to initiate this. I'm going to make it happen. And so that's how I started doing it. I really just like walked in the door and I just didn't get distracted because that's another thing I would do.

And I'd be like, oh, I'm hungry or we want to catch up about our day or let do something else. I even remember feeling like, okay, this is going to be a little bit new for me in this new relationship. And it felt really empowering. And it was just a really, and then I like doing it. I was like, okay, I'm going to do this more.

And so it feel no how. It's not that we don't know how. It's that we just, it's vulnerable. Perhaps we're afraid of feeling rejected. You know, I remember this woman I met at a conference that she came up to me and she said, you know what? She'd been married for 20 years. And she said, I never initiate and I didn't realize why. And I was teaching in a workshop

and she said, it was something that you said, did she been listening to the podcast and came to a workshop and she said, I realized that 20 years ago, my husband, I were newly wedged. She said, I would upstairs and I came down in this beautiful underwear like panties and a bra and like garters, which if you've ever worn those, you don't just whip them on. You've got, there's like an awkward clip in the back and in the front and then there's like a seam and you have to make sure that they don't look awkward because you can't,

you can't be sexy if the scene is twisted. And they're never even, I mean, we don't just like throw it on and feel sexy. It takes effort. So she's like, I did the whole thing and I put on my lingerie and I put on my best body oil and I walked down the stairs. And she was sitting in the study. He was working and he looked at me and I came down. She's like, I've never, ever put myself out there. And he's looked at her and went back to his work. Like he didn't, he said, I'm still going to finish up here. She felt he completely ignored her and she felt so broken from that moment and so vulnerable and so rejected, even though it was her husband that she said, for all these years,

I never tried again, I never initiated again. I mean, this is the thing about our habits and our behaviors, it just takes one thing. Like sometimes it's one rejection. It's somebody criticizing our bodies. Someone telling us we're not a good kisser or we're not good and bad, anything. Our criticizing our body and it just can hurt us

so badly in the moment that we completely shut down. We integrate that into our bodies so that becomes part of our, like in a way it's like a trauma response. I mean, for her, I would say that that was a trauma. And she said that she was finally able to, Carabou, she'd released and listened to podcasts or she came to tell me about it, but she said like she able to now bring it up and she felt like he didn't remember. I think he didn't remember that moment because of course he wouldn't.

I mean, he felt so bad. He was like, I, if I had known or remembered, he probably had a deadline for work. He was stressed out. You know what it is? I've been there. I don't see what's happening when I'm at the computer and I'm caught up. What this points out is a lot of things, not only about initiating sex,

but that there could be something that happens in a moment, in a flash. And we feel vulnerable, we feel rejected, compromised. And we just, we do what we always did, right? Maybe we were criticized as a child, criticized in high school, something happened, and we just, we either shut down, we retreat, we get anxious about it,

and so if we don't feel safe dealing with conflict and bringing it up to our partner, there's like a very fine line. There's like a moment there where you're like, I'm just gonna take this, it's very familiar, I'm being ignored, I'm not being seen. And if I had her here, I would say to her that that's probably a familiar scenario. Maybe her dad came up from work and she felt very unseen or maybe she was always looked

over for something in school. And as a result, that something can happen, that mimics that very early experience and we just do the same thing. And so the trick in a relationship and any kind of relationship, I mean, this could happen at work with a friend is that you in that moment, we realize that something's happening and this is like a somatic experience, you can learn to kind of feel these things in your body sometimes like this is my anxiety feeling, this is my breath quickening. You can stop and say, oh, it's that thing. I'm feeling

comfortable. What is it? Oh, it's the way I just felt unseen. And then you could turn to your partner and say, you know, maybe it's not even in that moment. It could be the next day, but not two years later. You say, when you guys are in a, you know, my rules for communicating about things that are challenging are the same across the board. Timing, turf, and tone. You want to make sure that it's the right time. You're in the right place and you are doing it with the right tone. And the right tone is always, always, always, always leading with curiosity and calm.

And just sort of, hey, let's have a conversation about something. You know, I just want to talk to you for a minute. Maybe you're going for a walk or you've just finished a good meal. You say, you know, last night I came downstairs and I was really excited because I had put on this thing that made me feel really sexy and I noticed you were your computer and you looked at me and the way you just turned back around it made me feel really unseen or like you didn't find me

sexy anymore. And imagine if she had said that to him, no one can argue with your feelings. So first of what I'm saying is you don't want to say you never look at me and you ignore me, but just when this happened, it made me feel blank. That is just communication 101. In the moment there, you know, he could say,

well, I don't remember that or I didn't see it. I mean, sure, I'm not saying they're all gonna go, it's gonna be an easy conversation, but what could happen after that? You know, you might have said, oh, wow, I didn't even see you, but you could feel bad. But that's just a least of your answer. He didn't think you didn't look sexy. He didn't think you looked

ridiculous because that was part of it. He's like, maybe I looked ridiculous, or I knew I gained weight, or he wasn't attracted to me anymore, right? We go to there. We think, I'm being rejected for sex. My partner just rejected my advances, and so therefore I am not lovable. I'm not attractive. But he was like, oh am not lovable, I'm not attractive. But he was like, oh babe, no, I would please, like maybe he would have said, I'm so sorry. Show me right now, I had that deadline. And that's how you repair.

Like that's when we talk about repair in a relationship, and I believe that relationships are not actually about perfection and about getting along all the time. In fact, if you're in a relationship, you're like, we never fight. There's a problem. If you never have conflict, they're not about perfection, they're about repair.

They're not about everything being great, they're about how do we repair when we get into a fight or an argument? How do we communicate? Like, how do we communicate? Like how do we resolve conflict? If you don't have those skills right now, you do not have a parent argument or talk about your feelings, that's where your focus should be.

And once you learn, it's a skill, right? It's like it transfers to every other area of your life. It transfers to next conversations, your work conversations everywhere. So Scott, there's your answer. Let's talk to Kyle 21 in Tennessee. Kyle, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Hi. How are you doing? I'm great, Kyle. Good to hear from you. What's going on? So I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks now and I really think she could be the one and we haven't had the chance

to have sex yet and I feel like every time we get there I get real nervous and I feel like if I don't please her she may not want to stay with me and I I just need to figure out like how I can call these nerves and just be see myself with her. Okay, wait, what has happened

so far? Are nothing we haven't seen her yet? We've gone on a few days. When we go back to the house, we start to get serious. And every single time I get I get too nervous. I feel like I'm not going to be able to form to her standards. She's really

pretty and it's like I can't live up to those expectations. And then what happens? I just I kind of pull out and I I don't keep going and keep playing with her. You just got to go in with the notion that I'm going to make her feel good. I'm going to please her and see what she wants. Should I go down on her for a while to start? Yes.

Just to kind of maybe calm the nerves and Absolutely Kyle. This is what I always recommend. So I'm not going to please her. Yeah, exactly. Kyle, listen, whenever you're in your head, that's exactly what's happening, but I promise you there is nothing like getting your confidence. Because you're talking about confidence and Kyle just know that no one at 21, the guys

who think they're confident, it's 21, I'm telling you, if I can go back to my 20, they didn't take a false confidence. Like, yeah, women like when I pound away at them and that feels good, I'm telling you. So you just have it enough years on the planet yet of having sex that you would feel confidence. You just know you're where most many people are at your age. So you're not like behind the eight ball, there's no problem here. It's just like it's a new thing

and she's a new partner for you. So you're always gonna lead with giving, especially when it comes to sex. So if you go in, you're like, I just wanna look at you, I wanna dress you, I wanna go down on you, I wanna finger you, I mean to dress you, I want to go down on you, I want to finger you. I mean, ask her what turns her on. And then once you are pleasing her,

that's how you get your confidence up. You're like, oh, I got this. You know, she's feeling good right now. And then you'll be more focused on her pleasure. And then you won't have been in your head the last 15 minutes getting undressed and then boring the same thing's going to happen again. So absolutely.

And also, we know that you get nervous, especially like in our 20s, like this guy's in nervous. Women are in nervous too, but they don't have to perform like men do. They just like show up, have an erection. If it happens and you start to get nervous again, just say, you know, I want to take a few deep breaths here. Like, I think you're so hot. I mean, telling you to keep telling her how hot she is, now attracted to you out, and you just want to please her or take a beat. It's okay.

But I would ask what feels good to her. I'm just gonna go through and look at her and just do everything I can. I'm gonna go down in there and just, and just pleasure her until I get the confidence to get in there. Yes. exactly Kyle. That's what you're gonna do.

That will work, I'm telling you. It's also a beautiful resolution here for the whole thing because I'm telling you, she typically women take longer to get aroused than men. So that's why one of the best books about sex, which you should could order right now, it's called She Comes First. And it's a great book written by Dr. Ian Karner,

you know, renowned sex therapist like 20 years ago. And essentially, it's not just because women first, women are better, it's like, we literally the way we are built, right? Our genitalia are such that, there's an orgasm gap. It can take women 20 to 40 minutes to have an orgasm, get a rousem, but for men, you you know Kyle, you know you get turned on and you're ready to go.

Oh, yeah. I get a rouse faster than anyone I know. It's insane. Kyle, yeah. That's so true. That's what happens. That's what's up. So this is just totally normal, typical, and you're exactly ready to be at 21 years old. In fact, Mendo no longer is at 40, so. Thank you so much, I know. I thank her for having me on. I'm close to actually definitely. Yeah, Kyle, thanks.

Call back. Let me know how it goes. I'm here for you every night. Let me know, okay? This is what I love. Is it now I want to hear your, right? I'm invested in Kyle now.

Lucky's to just send him off into the world to be a great young lover. After the break, I'll be answering your questions. Okay, this is Bethany 29 from Nashville and she wants sex but not casual sex. Hey Bethany, tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling. Hey, hey. Thanks for having me. Of course.

Well, when I wrote you, I was like talking about a situation that happened maybe like a year ago, but I haven't had any like new situation since then. So it's kind of like, I guess I don't date that much and I don't really know why. And it's rare that I have relationships. I've had one relationship in my whole life and I'm 29. I'm realizing now, looking back that I'm like, I just was totally clueless about how

the dating world quote unquote works. Now I'm watching these YouTube channels of these people, Elliot Scott, I don't know if you heard of him, but he's giving tips to women about dating and how the mind of a man works, which sounds so tried or something, which is really helping me and enlightening me right now. I'm like, damn, I wish I saw this a year ago.

But- Give me an example of what made you go, damn, I didn't know that. Like, what are you learning? Get, tell me what you. Right. So, I mean, I, there's this guy that I was talking to. He was like messaging me on Instagram, but acting like super, super interested. And I knew who he was and like it, it was like, we like, like, each other's art and music and stuff. So it was like, we had like a resonance. And it was like, oh, cool. We were like talking about it. And he was like we liked each other's art and music and stuff, so it was like we had like a resonance and it was like, oh cool, we were like talking about it and he was like, we should hang out.

Like, I really want to hang out with you. And then we did hang out and it was like really good. And like, I thought that he was someone that was like worthwhile to like put time into. I don't know. I guess I just like liked him and then he was seemed to be really into me too and was like super excited for like three weeks or something and then kind of just like stopped right texting me as often and then I started realizing like you know like months into I'm like oh I really like him but I guess he's only texting me like once every two weeks like you know and I was so like monkey mind about it.

And then right now, this is like a year ago or something. And now I'm finding all these YouTube channels that are like, Hey, girls, this is what guys do. Like they actually into you because they have to hook you in. And then they might be like trying to keep you using the bare minimum amount of effort or like, if you don't lay down the law or show them what your boundaries or standards are initially then they're not going to like. Respect you or something? Greet you.

Yeah, kind of. I just like didn't know that there was like a no. I would stop watching all the channels. This is what I want for you. Not that's unhelpful and I get it. Like I wouldn't say stop. I'm saying that there is useful information for sure. If you haven't dated like listen to things, figure things out up for you.

You just haven't had a lot of experience dating. So I don't believe in all of these rules. Like what I believe is that you, Bethany, it is figure out like who you, what you're looking for right now. And I think that the thing about dating is, it's like what I would tell you is that you don't really know what's going on with other person. Like I would say that it's all about people day for a few weeks. So they might be seeing a lot of people.

Like he might not be looking for whoever it is. He like the the grand he write. He's like dating a bunch of people or maybe he got back to together with his ex or maybe he just wanted sex. He has no time for a relationship. There's a million reasons why relationships don't work out. But women and men we do this. We blame ourselves.

So what I do wrong. I shouldn't have invited back to my house after the second day. That's why I wear this skirt, you know, I should have worn pants, so I don't know. It's like we think of a million things he didn't like that, you know, he didn't like the dinner, I made him like we come over all these things and it's never what we worry about. It's never those things that we obsess about. So I think the most important thing is building your confidence around men and really just being comfortable Like making friends with guys and dating and just being like and understanding what you want right now

And I think it is true that everybody on date like there is something fun when you're dating someone to kind of like We don't know where it's gonna go But I think it's important to honestly know like if you're just casually dating right now You can let people know like I'm just dating or I'm looking for, you know, to hang out with people, or maybe you want a boyfriend. So if you do, like, maybe you'd state a few people at once, and you let people know that. Like, I'm looking for something serious,

but not right away, or I want to get to know you more. Like, I do think that people appreciate more information. And I think that even if you don't know, you can let them know that you're exploring it, because I think rather than just kind of pretending that it's nothing and we're all being casual and what's gonna happen, that's when we end up getting hurt

and making up all these meanings to things that have no meaning. So I think you just gotta get back out there. Like you said you don't really know how to date and I think like this is the thing. You're just like you don't get asked to out or you don't meet people. There's a lot of single people.

Like you're a Nashville. Like there are single people everywhere. There's more single people now in America than ever So I think the thing about where we don't meet people is because we don't put ourselves out there Like you take the same root home from every work from work every day you go to the same bar with your friends You hang out with your same three friends. So how you start meeting people is saying yes to those invites like maybe once a week You say yes to that barbecue that you don't really like, someone invites you to on Facebook,

you know those of invites and you're like, you never look at them, they're like, oh, I kinda like her, maybe she'll have cool friends, or you let people know that you know and trust family and friends that you're single. Like if you know anyone like, fix me up, so you start putting that energy out there. And you just have practicing talking to guys

and people that you're maybe not even attracted to, but you just have that rapport, so it's not so scary for you when you go out. You're like, how do I talk to a guy? And then it just becomes second nature. So I would say it's more about you and having confidence in yourself and your work and having a healthy life, having a rich, healthy, full life, I think, and being comfortable in yourself is the way that you start to meet people. Because then you're coming from a good, solid place, and then you'll be tracking people who are like-minded.

Rather than being like, it's a date, what does it mean? You know what I'm saying? This way it's sort of part of what you're doing right now. You're working, you're seeing your friends, you're working out, you know? You're doing all these other things and that's a part of it. It's not become your singular focus.

Because then dating happens as part of a lifestyle. Does that make sense? Right. Yeah. Um, so yeah, I mean, I think, well, do you have any other, like questions around that? Cause I feel like I'm trying to get your question, because I said, you're not that comfortable, like dating. Um, and I think that casual sex and stuff, like I think you just kind of casual sex isn't for everybody, you know, like casual sex, it's not like the rules to society as you have to have it.

Like some people are just like, I don't like it, right? They're like, no, I can't handle not knowing that someone's gonna call or not being intimate with someone and knowing that they were part of a relationship or that I can trust them. And for a lot of women, the best sex they have is when they're with someone they trust.

And they know they're gonna see him where they're comfortable. But when we're not comfortable or it's new, we feel pressured, that's not when we have the best sex. So you might be someone who right now needs to know somebody, like you wanna feel like you've gone out, you've had some experiences, and then you feel safe.

And then you might even have a class of sex and be like, it's still not for me, or you might learn. Like I've gone through ebbs and flows in my life where I'm into the casual sex and then I'm not, and they've set in a relationship, but you know, it just ebbs and flows. So right now it's maybe you don't even really know what works for you.

So I would practice dating or saying yes to people that you wouldn't, they call it duty dating, but like thing yes to people that you wouldn't normally say yes to, finding who your type is, finding what you like doing with a guy. So kind of start from that place rather than making it about sex. Damn, yeah. Damn. Yeah.

Damn, right? Like, just put your, do you have a, like, do go out a lot? Do you do things that you, you know, what are you like doing? What's fun for Beth? I, I, well, I just moved here to this new city. Okay. I'm just like working a lot. And then my co-worker invited me to show she's performing at tonight. Yeah. I was like, damn, I don't know if I'm going to go. And then when you're saying that I was like, damn, you know, maybe I should. I'm telling you, I'm telling you you should go. Because whenever I've not wanted to go to something just because I'm tired of home from work and I make myself go, like I've been in periods

of life where they come and go, where I'm like, no, I gotta be more social. So if you said you were gonna go, just go. And I feel like 99% of the time I do not regret going out. Like I'm just like, I'm glad I went. You might meet some really cool friends. You just move to a new city. So it's kind of exciting. Like you're probably looking for female friends,

male friends, everything. So these are the experiences where you meet people. Yes, you can use the apps and all that, but I think actually being comfortable in the new town, and it's exciting. Like it's exciting to move to a city in your 20s where you don't know anybody. Like I did that and it was like the most,

like I look back on that and like how you get to reinvent yourself, you get to like, you know, where you're at in your life right now. So I would think about, I would kind of, like I said, work on developing a really rich life right now. Like a healthy life, and just around it by good people, and it's just gonna happen for you.

Cause you don't have any problems, you know? It's not real problems. It's an exciting time in your life. So I think, go to the show tonight, have a good time, talk to people, make yourself. Like if you're like, I'm just gonna sit here, and it's like, I'm gonna go say hi. And that's when you get those charges.

Like that's the connection. Like that's what life's about. Those real moments of people. Not swiping through apps. Yeah. That's a good supplement, but real life experiences are good for you. That's true.

How do you like, I feel like I'm like, want to like have, intimate with people, but I guess I just like have to wait because I have to like, know if I can trust them. Oh, because you want to have intimacy with people, but I guess I just have to wait because I have to know if I can trust them. Oh, because you're one of them. Yeah, I mean, no, I'm not saying you have to.

Maybe you try it and you're like, oh, that didn't work for me. There are no rules here. You get to decide your own rules. So everyone gets to set up their own rules. So if you decide you want sex, you can go out and find sex, you get to decide. Some people are like, I just, that you can go out and find sex, you get to decide. Like some people are like, I just, that sex,

and I get to, because we get to decide. Like you can decide if you don't want to call someone as well. So I think just meet that person, and then in the moment you can decide what do I want, not the other way around, you know what I'm saying? Like there's some people are like, I would have in casual sex for two years, and it doesn't feel good.

I'm like, okay, here's your practice. Go out with someone and don't sleep with them for a month Right, but you're not in that position right now I don't know what you're like bath and I don't know so you might not know either so You might find someone next few days you like and you want to go out them again and maybe this weekend You guys will make out who knows so I don't think you should be so hard on yourself I think you should just trust your gut and your feelings and check in with yourself How does it feel like yeah? I think it's better to take things slow and get to know someone.

But if you don't just sleep with someone and see how that makes you feel. You never know. A lot of things work for everybody, but what I'm saying for you is we don't know yet. Just keep checking in with yourself and just go out and meet some people. That's a great way to me. I've met a lot of my guys. Bloodied blood, who live dated or through other friends and shared experiences. Definitely. I mean, yeah. Okay. I guess my like, I'm like, I will like, with the person that I was talking about earlier, like it

did feel like super right. And then I ended up being like, let me tell you why I wasn't right. I'm going to tell you this. And I fled you go, Let me tell you why I wasn't right. I'm going to tell you this and I fled to go. Let me tell you why I wasn't right because you were new at dating. You said he was texting you every two weeks. So for a lot of people that wouldn't feel right. I'd be like, where'd you go? Like two weeks? Like to me, it's like, you know, like you want to talk more often.

So there probably were signs there. Like when you were with them, it was probably great. But then, you know, maybe you got busy in your life. But I would say there were probably signs that it wasn't perfect in the sense of like you probably there were signs that he was seeing other people or that was gonna drop off you know what I'm saying so let that experience go from a year ago we tend to hang on to our last experience that was the most intense. So let's let that go your new your new Bethany and a new city go out tonight. I think you're weighing your head about this and I just want you to go out and have fun,

make new friends, figure out where you love to go. But people love meeting new people. Like it's so fun, you know, you're just bringing yourself to the table. And you're going to start to like meet new people and have new experiences. And then everything else is going to follow. So don't trip on this last guy and what it meant.

People are doing a whole bunch of different things right now and you meet him. You never know. So I don't think that means anything. Okay. You got this, Anthony. Just go out and figure out who you are. Okay. I will. Okay. Yes. You're so welcome, Anthony. Let me know it goes. You got this. Have fun. Take it out. Okay. Leave your house now. Okay. Oh my god. Yeah. I'm going to shower. Get out the door. It'll be so happy. I promise you. Have a good night. Okay. Bye. But you Yeah. I'm going to shower. Get out the door. It'll be so happy. I promise you.

Have a good night. Okay. Bye, but you're so welcome, sweetie. You got this. Have a good night. Bye. I wanted to get to the bottom of that because I knew I knew that like we're holding onto things and we're so on our heads, but I'm telling you guys, just getting out there, letting people know your single. It's not that like people don't like you or you're broken. I just think that's how you meet people is being involved. Having a rich life. Like, and what I mean by that is like doing things outside of work, we're all tired at the end of the day. It's so much easier to go home and watch TV than it is to go out and meet people, but I'm telling you, once you do it, and once you start to say, once a week, I'm going to have this experience, I promise you,

that's how you build your social circle, that's how you're going to meet people you're into. And that's what people find attractive too, which people who have a lot going on in a real genuine way, not in like a fake way. Like you gotta build yourself up, but like if people who love life are attracting people who also love life and are attracted to that energy.

So be the person you wanna find. Okay, we've met, he's 30 from New Zealand and his girlfriend is stressed and hasn't had sex in a while. Hey, Matt in New Zealand. I'm so glad you called. Hey, Emily. Nice to hear you. And I'm nice to be on the show.

I'm so glad you're here. Thank so many listeners in New Zealand. Nostril, that's awesome. I love that we get to talk and I can help you. So tell me what's going on. Yeah, I mean, my girlfriend, we've been together for a couple of years now. Some always been pretty great, but I guess in the last sort of eight months or so, just been, she's gone through a bit of a change. You know, she's, her father was a little bit sick for a

bit. She got made redundant. We moved to the city, so it's just a bit stressful for her, and she actually expressed to me that, her, you know, the six classes, stressful for her and she actually expressed to me that her you know the six classes The thing that goes first I guess when she's super stressed. Oh, okay, right. That makes sense Yeah, okay, so that makes sense too. It's true though. We're stressed and anxious about money and job And I do I remember you saying that as well and so I didn't really want to you know pressure her into anything Yeah, but so this just happened in the last few months as well. So I didn't really want to, you know, pressure her into anything. No. Yeah. So this just happened in the last few months.

She's not really been sex or how long? I reckon that probably, yeah, it'll be coming up probably six months or so. So it feels like a long time. I feel like that is a long time. You know, how you kind of almost forget about how to initiate it. Right. You know, figure out if they're forget about how to initiate it, you know, figure out if they're interested or things like that. Right, right. Does she, does she, um, is she feeling better now though, or she's still stressed out?

Is she still in like, does she seem depressed or is she anxious or? She does sit to me that she um, deals with a bit of anxiety and I feel like it's getting better. But um, yeah, I think she's differently going in and out of a bit of anxiety and I feel like it's getting better but yeah I think she's definitely going in and out of better anxiety and have you talked about this at all? Said you really care about her and you want to make sure you guys can you know be intimate again? Yes yeah not as much as we probably should but we definitely have talked about it we are quite open and we do talk about this sort of stuff here now and then but you know life kind of gets in the way.

Right. Right. And I say, yeah. I think. So I was just wondering kind of other ways to. Yeah. I think you could have talked. Oh, just tell it see if she's interested or not.

Well, how did you used to do in the past? Like when you guys first, I know, I guess, in the very early stages, we all just want to have sex all the time in the early stages, really. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Like there's no question. You walk in the door and your clothes are often two minutes, I get that. But right now, like, do you know what you,

because I'm, then I'm gonna, I'll answer this question, but I also think that it does, it's gonna go back to talking. So, but are there things like, where there's certain four-foot, does she like massage? Like, have a foot massage at the end of the day or like when you bring home dinner or does she like going out? Like, have a foot massage at the end of the day or like when you bring home dinner

or does she like going out? Like, have you guys had dinner lately or have you gone to movies? Or, you know what I mean? There are things that you guys have fun together doing. Because when you're at home and you're doing the same things that can get kind of routine.

True, yeah, that's very true. Yeah, she loves a good massage. I know she's mentioned in the past, like she's quite used to being like, you know, quite obviously all men love a bit of full play, but she likes the, you know, he's attached and loves to introduce, you know, feathers and and try and I think she's used to being the kind of more dominant one in the bedroom. Oh, she's more dominant.

I think so. Yeah, she's told me that so I haven't actually experienced this, but I've heard her talk about it. And she's sort of said to me that she's a bit, but she doesn't know how I would, I guess, react to it or yeah, I think she maybe wants more from me in terms of reacting and seeing a bit of things like that. Yeah, no,, this is all, okay, this is great information. So it sounds to me like this is what you need to do, is that you gotta just have a conversation, like you gotta say, babe, I love you,

I really wanna talk about our, it's so important that we continue to connect and have sex life, I have great sex, and I'm just having sex with you, what can we do together? Like I love to try whatever you want. Like I like telling couples to like exchange a sexy bucket list, or what you both will want to try whatever you want. Like I like telling couples to like exchange a sexy bucket list or what you both will want to try.

You could say you said you were dominant in the past. That might be kind of sexy. Let's try it. You could use a neck tie. You could use a feather laying around the house or you could go to a sex toy store together and go shopping or buy some things online. But this is the way I tell you Matt. This is so true that you said you talk about it sometimes.

And what I want to realize is that the more you talk about it, number one, the easier it gets. So the more it's like, even if it's every other day, like you're talking about what to eat for dinner, that's how your sex life can be because you're both sharing an experience together. So you both need to talk about it. Like, where are you going on your vacation? What are you doing for dinner?

Let's talk about our sex life. And so because you've talked about it maybe three times in the last six months, like not enough, right? When you see her tonight or when you see her today, I miss having sex with you. I know you've been going through stuff. I've been going through stuff trying to figure out what you need. Let's just talk about it.

You can say to her what's your most memorable time that we've had sex. She might say that time where you came in late and I blindfolded you or you blindfolded me. Who knows what it is? But then you're gonna learn what turns her on or ask her what she master rates, what she thinks about her. You guys could watch some porn together. I feel like you guys have to build an erotic life together

and that you're kinda guessing because you care about her and you're being sensitive to what she's going through. But you guys, you don't have to solve this on your own. That's what I'm trying to drive home. Like, you guys are in it together. And if you're guessing that there's things that she wants to try, you guys have been together for two years.

So it's time to stop kind of trying to figure it out and have a straightforward conversation. It's going to get so much easier and you're not going to believe that you didn't do this before because that's how you're going to figure this out. Because you both want the same thing. Yeah, that's sort of, yeah. And I know it's scary, but when you do it, like outside the bathroom, like at dinner, when you're having breakfast, you just bring it up.

You're like, let's talk about sex. What's going on? What can we do? From a very like, don't make it a serious conversation. Make it playful and fun, because it's sex, sex should be fun, and bring that, infuse that into the relationship. If you start the conversation that way, it's going to help it be favorable to both of

you. Whatever you guys decide. Okay. Awesome. Yes. Granted boss. Okay. All right.

You guys just start talking. Okay. You're so welcome. Hi Matt. It's fun. You guys. I get it that talking about sex seems so painful and we think we do it because we did it once every three months because we don't know how hard it is and we remember that last conversation.

But I'm telling you, the more you do it, the easier it gets. You just kind of like rip it off a bandaid, like literally like, babe, I know this is weird. We don't often talk about sex life, but let's talk about it. And believe me, if you're both in a loving relationship, you're in it together. You're both of your interests and you want to be the partner who can contribute and talk about it so you guys can continue to have healthy sex. Communication is a lubrication. That's it for today's episode, See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and

share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you?

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