Sex With Emily - Best Of: I’m In a Relationship. Why Masturbate?

Episode Date: October 20, 2023

We’re talking solo sex in the context of a relationship. In this Best Of episode, I’m addressing some of the most common questions I get on the subject, such as: “if I already have a partner, why masturbate?” and “if I masturbate in private, is it cheating?” We also discuss whether or not you should tell your partner if you masturbate, and touch briefly on porn addiction: starting with, is it real? Plus, I take your questions! How to set up your own “masturbation zone” when you live with a partner, whether it’s possible to have fantasy-free masturbation sessions, what to do if you can orgasm on your own but not with a partner, and much more. In this episode, you’ll learn:Why masturbation is important for your overall sexual wellnessThe truth about porn addictionHow to incorporate toys into solo and partnered sexSee the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:How to Use Anal BeadsAsk Emily: I Can’t Always Get Hard For Sex, HelpJe Joue Amour, Duet & Vita (code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off sitewide)SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I know why people think it's not right because they feel that it's cheating. You shouldn't have to masturbate without me. Like, you shouldn't have to on that. It means that you want to be with somebody else or I'm not enough for you. Right? That's the refrain. The people who are telling you not to masturbate feel less than and they feel that you are choosing your solo sex over them.

And it really just comes down to education and communication. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. How exactly does masturbation help a sexual partnership? Ah, let me count the ways. Well, in today's episode, we're talking solo sex in the context of a relationship. So I'm dressing some of the most common questions I get on the subject, such as,

if I already have a partner, why masturbate? Or if I masturbate in private, is it cheating? We also discussed whether or not you should tell your partner if you masturbate and touch briefly on porn addiction, starting with, is it real? Tell us I take your questions. How to set up your own masturbation zone when you live with a partner, whether it's possible to have fantasy free masturbation sessions, what to do if you can organize them on your own

but not with a partner and much more. Please rate your views, sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, How to Use Ainal Beads and Ask Emily. I can't always get hard for sex, help, or up on sexwithemily.com. Alright, everyone, enjoy this episode. I get so many questions from penis owners asking me how they can spice up their solo sex sessions. Well, here you go.

Developed by a world world class team of engineers, Arcwave is here to elevate your masturbation routine with their discrete and very sophisticated toys. So the cool thing about these toys, they are suction toys for the penis. This thing sucks. It pulses. It is the coolest thing your penis has probably felt

in a long time, if not ever. So the Arcwave Ion, that was best known as the world's first pleasure air stroke and it uses these pulsating air waves to stimulate pleasure receptors in your penis. So this offers a whole new type of orgasm. I don't think you've experienced before. If you're looking for something a little more compact, check out the arc wave boy. It kind of looks like a camera lens and this is a compact stroke with a tightness adjustment so you can fit it exactly how you want to.

And if you're into more manual stroke or as well, they have the pow, and this is an intuitive silicone sleeve and it tightens pleasurably during use, and then it has an air pressure release valve that creates intense suction for an explosive climax. The arc wave ghost is a reversible stoker with two unique sensations. You flip it inside out to reveal a second pleasure textured surface. I mean, how cool is that?

There has never been a better time to upgrade your stroke game. From November 13th to December 4th, 2023, ArcGreyf is offering 20% off all their products. They rarely do that. So don't miss out on the steal. Visit ourgrave.com and explore their innovative products today. Watch their videos. I mean, they are so cool. Trust me, your orgasms will never be the same.

Our Grave, you're not just experiencing pleasure. You're experiencing an orgasmic revolution. I get tons of questions about masturbating from people who are already in a relationship all the time. And these questions usually have some common themes, right? Well, they're often along the lines of guilt or shame. People feeling bad that they do masturbate, even though partner sex is an option, right, like why am I masturbating if I could have partnered sex, or people wondering why they should masturbate when they could just have intercourse. But we're going to get into

these concerns in a moment. I'll answer them specifically. But first, I want to offer some clarity around masturbation in the context of a partnership and talk about how it serves a fundamentally different purpose than sex with a partner. Alright, number one, solo sex and partnered sex serve two different sets of fundamental human needs. Sometimes we conflate masturbation and sex because while we have the same goal in both to achieve orgasm, so we think they're interchangeable. I can masturbate or I could have sex. But even if that's not our goal, tabern orgasm, and in my opinion, it's much healthier to have pleasure as the goal, and the journey there is fundamentally different when you're not focused on orgasm. But the truth is,

there is value in each of these separate journeys. And I think masturbation gets knocked down as being less valuable because we think of it as a cheap stand in for the real thing. This isn't quote, right? We think, oh, like the real thing is penetration, but masturbation, I'm just going to like, it's like your fast food of sex. I'm just going to have some fast food here until I can have that. No thing, but nothing could be further from the truth. Because at the end of the day, masturbation is about self-care and musing your imagination and your own ability to make yourself feel loved and cared for, which is really, really empowering to have that kind of connection with your own body. Now, part of sex is about emotional connection and intimacy and pleasure

and orgasm it can be and a give a take where ideally we're both really attuned to each other's needs. Often we do outsource our pleasure to our partners and we have the attitude that like oh I don't need to masturbate or I don't need to do anything else sexual my partner has to be in the room because they're the only ones that can give me that body pleasure. I don't feel right about my own hands doing it. I don't feel right about masturbation. My partner is there to make me feel good and loved and desired. Now, don't get me wrong.

Partnered sex is critical for most relationships. If you want to be a healthy relationship, I'm not saying that you should substitute masturbation for partnered sex. But what I am saying is that what masturbation does is it cultivates a different sexual strength than partnered sex does. It nurtures a different skill set. And so you can use this strength though that you are cultivating during your own masturbation solo sex time to benefit your partnership. For a relationship, again, masturbation has two benefits. It helps understand the touch, the sensations, and even the psychological

arousal we like. And number two, it takes the pressure of our partners to provide all this pleasure for us, that like the only time I can feel sexy and feel that kind of pleasure with the partner. You know, when we're with our partner, ideally that sex is more of a given take, and it can be really greedy or it can be all touristic, it's just a different kind of connection. And usually, when a healthy partner sex

we're there because we're giving and receiving. So that's what I want to say about partnered versus masturbation sex. Let me get you the common question I get asked on the subject, and that is, I've got a partner. Why should I masturbate? And to me, this question's like, well, I already did it with my partner. Why should I ever die alone? Or I already work out with my partner. Why should I exercise alone? And here's the thing about our alone time, about solitude. When we're alone, we've

time to be incredibly intentional about our psychological, our sensual, and our physical inputs. We can think about all of these things. We're not distracted, we're not worried, you know, as our partner doing okay, and what does my orgasm face look like, and what am I doing right now?

Like we're really on our own personal pleasure journey. And we don't take care of anyone else. And that's why masturbation is a gift. It's a way to experience pleasure and understand our turn-ons. And once we do that, then we take this data back to our partners. That's a simple answer why to masturbate.

You're also taking care of your health when you masturbate. You just are. You better sleep. There's more endorphins, oxytocin, you strengthen your pelvic floor muscles for deeper orgasms. It's all upside, very little downside. So on that note, let's get into the second most common question I get asked along these lines.

And that is, if I masturbate in private, is it cheating? Well, my short answer is no, no, it's not. But usually people ask this question because they're feeling guilty about the arousal inputs they're using while they're masturbating, like porn. So the real question is, how can I make my masturbation intentional by being open about it with my partner? I mean, does that what you're really asking? When you love to masturbate and have your cake, you need to do, have your porn and watch it do,

like how you're really saying, how can I make masturbation intentional and be open to my partner? Because when you love it, if you just, yes, I masturbate, my partner knows about it, sometimes you do it together, because when we're making it more intentional, the goal here is that we don't feel like fervent, secretive, compulsive,

it doesn't feel so dirty and wrong and shameful, and to provide greater context for porn and masturbation, let me reuse some quotes from a really great article on this. So there was a large study published by the APA or the American Psychological Association, and they found that people's cultural, moral, or religious beliefs may lead up to believe their addicted pornography, even if they don't watch porn. So if you think you're struggling with pornography, it's most likely that you're struggling with the conflict of your own personal values around your sexual behaviors, not really the porn itself.

And there's another interesting takeaway from this article. At what point does your pleasure from watching porn become problematic? Well, there's another interesting takeaway from this article. At what point does your pleasure from watching porn become problematic? Well, there's no clear answer to this because it varies from person to person, but a very simple way to know porn is a problem in your relationship. Is it think about are there consequences? Does all of your porn watching mean that you can no longer be a wrecked with a partner? You can no longer have sex with your partner. Does it mean that you're late to work all the time because you're watching porn,

you're skipping out of the middle of the day and you lost your job, like, are there consequences to it? Are you obsessing about porn all day long and you can't get any other thoughts in your head when you're with your partner? Is it really hard to get off without porn? Those are when you're like, okay, well, maybe I should look at my relationship to porn.

Another important part of this study was that, and this is true with most addictions, I'd say all addictions, that people who struggle with their pornography viewing always have an underlying disorder, most commonly depression, which requires treatment. And these are people who are drug addicts, who are alcoholics, who are food addicts. There's always an underlying thing that we're trying to treat with our addiction, right? Whether it's nicotine, anything. There's something that we are not dealing with, anxiety, depression.

And so really, the alcohol or the watching porn is a symptom of a deeper problem. One final point is that women report overwhelmingly positive effects from viewing pornography. Primarily, when they use it to increase their sex drive with a partner or experience sexual pleasure and get this, when couples view pornography together They tend to report a more satisfying sex life. Can we just make masturbation normal and healthy part of self-care? We're all gonna do it or we should do it or we could do it more. It really is important for your overall health and well-being and It really is important for your overall health and well-being. And no, it is not cheating, but it might be a missing piece here around communication.

Because we can talk openly to our partners about our masturbation practice. We open the door for just so much emotional intimacy. I get it that your partner might have worry about it. And maybe they've said the past, if you masturbate, it's cheating. But I'm giving you all this information because perhaps you can provide this with your partner and show them that it's actually part of being sexually healthy and that masturbation is, you know, important practice, whether you're in a relationship, out of a relationship.

So I'm hoping that you can advocate for yourself the next time you find yourself secretly hiding porn or feeling guilty about it, you can share this with your partner. And there's a lot of hot things you can do together under this round like mutual masturbation. Let's talk about that. There are so many benefits to mutual masturbation. But if you've never tried it, I get it. It's intimidating. You're thinking like, what? Like I'm going to pull down my pants and start masturbating even my partner. How the hell does that happen? It's making me feel really, really awkward.

A recent study found that 51% of folks in a relationship say they've masturbated with their partner's present, but the other half have never tried mutual masturbation. So first, you want to have a casual conversation, let your partner know it's something you want to try out. You might say like, I'd love to see how you touch yourself or would you be up for masturbating together some time. Listen to what they have to say about it. You know, I really want to say that my two biggest things up why I love me to masturbation is because not only are you know, you're going to get off at the start thing. You know how to please yourself, but it's also like you get to

watch your partner and they get to watch you and they see what you do to get yourself off. How you touch yourself, how you move your fingers, how you move your hands, you know, I remember being with a partner and like saying like, oh, when he's masturbating, he puts his hand over his balls and his other hands over the shaft. So I know now like those are sensitive parts for him. So now when I'm pleasing him, I incorporate that into our play. You can think about it though this way.

It's also kind of like in a course in the sense of there's positions. You don't have to just lay down side by side unless you want to. So someone could be on top, the other could be on the bottom. We'll use hands or toys to stimulate yourself. You could also do like a modified spoon position or laying down on your sides facing each other. There's lots of options. And I just need you all to get over there like,

eat, this is so awkward. I can't believe we have to mutually masturbate, you know, because it really is an erotic way to exercise your inner warrior, your inner exhibitionist. And it's kind of kicky in a way that like, it's allowing for closest intimacy, but it's got an extra little twist to it. The other thing I love about mutual masturbation

is that you can do it virtually. Why not just do some FaceTime, my mutual masturbation every now and then? That's really fun, especially if you're camping in the same place. If you've been struggling with bringing a toy into the bedroom or you're worried what your partner's gonna think about it, using one during mutual masturbation normalizes, having a toy, using a toy in the buzzing, and having that part of your sexual experience. Because sometimes that is really intimidating to you

all. You're like, well, I don't want to show my partner, my vibrator, because they've said something. I'll feel they'll say something. But what I've found is that most times, when a partner sees you with your toy and it's bringing you pleasure, they're going to be like, wow, where's that been our whole life?

Let's bring it in. And I think the intimidation comes from the unknown. From this, like, what's my role going to be like, wow, where's that been our whole life? Let's bring it in, you know, and I think the intimidation comes from the unknown. From this, like, what's my role going to be if a vibrator is there? There's just a lot of confusion and misunderstanding, but this is a great opportunity to bring it into your situation. And you can even use your toy and your partner and say, like, look, this is how it feels, and this is how it feels on you. And you can just kind of use it on their body and their neck, put it over their nipples, their penis, their vulva, whatever they have.

So it's really fun to play with. We'll be right back after quick break, but first for any of you want to spice up your orgasms or anyone struggling to orgasm either by yourself or with a partner, one of my long time favorite brands has just the toys for you. So Jésus released three new bullet vibes this year and they're like nothing I've ever seen before. In fact, I gifted them to many people. They're that kind of vibe. I just know you're all going to love it. It's the Amor, the duet, and the Vita. At each of different shapes, they give you these different

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and you can follow their ride in the Uber app Uber Teen Accounts invite your teen to join your Uber account today available in select locations, see out for details I get so many questions from penis owners asking me how they can spice up their solo sex sessions. Well, here you go. Developed by a world-class team of engineers, Arkwave is here to elevate your masturbation

routine with their discrete and very sophisticated toys. So the cool thing about these toys, they are suction toys for the penis. This thing sucks. It pulses. It is the coolest thing your penis has probably felt in a long time, if not ever. So the arc wave ion, that was best known as the world's first pleasure air strokeer, and it uses these pulsating airwaves to stimulate pleasure receptors in your penis. So this offers a whole new type of orgasm.

I don't think you've experienced before. If you're looking for something a little more compact, check out the Arquave Boy. It kind of looks like a camera lens and this is a compact stroker with a tightness adjustment so you can fit it exactly how you want to. And if you're into more manual strokers, well they have the pow. And this is an intuitive silicone sleeve and it tightens pleasurably during use. And then it has an air pressure release valve that creates intense suction for an explosive climax. The ArcGreyf Ghost is a reversible stoker with two unique sensations.

You flip it inside out to reveal a second pleasure textured surface. I mean, how cool is that? There has never been a better time to upgrade your stroke game. From November 13th to December 4th, 2023, Arcwave is offering 20% off all their products. They rarely do that. So don't miss out on the steal. Visit Arcwave.com and explore their innovative products today. Watch their videos. I mean, they are so cool. Trust me, your orgasms will never be the same. Arcwave, you're not just experiencing pleasure. You're experiencing an orgasmic revolution. Alright, this is from Travis 27 in the United States. Hey Dr. Emily, okay, first question is, why are a lot of females telling guys not to masturbate?

Second question, is it okay to masturbate as long as I just do it without thinking of anything or looking at porn? Travis, it's okay to do it. However you want to do it. Having all these conditions and rules around your masturbation Travis is not what I want for your masturbation practice or anyone's. So I don't know if you're in a relationship or not, but it sounds like maybe you are, or you've had some messaging around, it's not okay to watch porn and to masturbate, either in your current relationship

or you've been in a relationship or you're told it's not okay. That's why I'm doing this episode because I hear this every single day and I really believe it's because powders just don't seem to understand. It is actually part of being healthy overall. If you say I'm a healthy person but I don't believe in masturbation,

I don't touch myself and then I would say, are you really that healthy? Because your sexual health and wellness is an important part of your overall wellness, right? So I think that you have to masturbate how you want to masturbate and then be in a relationship with somebody who supports that and who understands that you're going to masturbate in a relationship and out of a relationship. Maybe you could listen to this episode with your partner because again, I know why people think it's not right because they feel that it's cheating.

You shouldn't have to masturbate without me. Like you shouldn't have to want that. It means that you want to be with somebody else or I'm not enough for you. Right. That's the refrain. The people who are telling you not to masturbate feel less than and they feel that you are choosing your solo sex over them. And it really just comes down to education and communication. I don't know how else to like break it down for these people. It's simply not healthy for your partners to be regulating your masturbation and routine again

unless there's a problem with it, unless there's an addiction, unless it's impacted other areas of your life. So I would talk about this with your partner Travis or your future partners and let them know straight up that this is part of me being sexually healthy overall and I masturbate and this is what I do and this is the kind me being sexually healthy overall, and I masturbate, and this is what I do, and this is the kind of porn I watch.

Eventually you get to a place I hope where you wanna know what kind of porn your partner watches, and when they get off, and how they get off, how are you going to masturbate without thinking of anything or looking at porn? Like, you're not gonna think anything? Are you a Buddha? Are you a meditator?

Are you the most mindful meditator masturbator on the planet that you're gonna be able to just kind of lay back and have no thoughts and no porn? I mean, come on Travis, it's not a realistic ask from a partner or from anyone. Think about it like if you work out with your partner sometimes like since I go to yoga and I work out with my partner and then sometimes he goes without me. Sometimes he lives without me. I don't feel like I can't believe you lived without me and you went to see that yogurt teacher without me. I'm like, great. You got a benefit. You got your endorphins on. You did your thing.

You know, we'll do it again this weekend. We'll work out like see what I'm saying, guys, that's how I want you to think about masturbation and your sex practice. Okay. So Travis, listen to this show. Understand it. Share it with a partner. You're all good. Nothing wrong here. and your sex practice, okay? So Travis, listen to this show, understand it, share it with a partner, you're all good, nothing wrong here.

Just a lot of misinformation, we have to provide accurate information now for everybody. This is from Carrie 23 in Oklahoma. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been listening to your show for a couple months now, and it's helped me to be more open and comfortable with talking and having sex with my boyfriend. I want to try masturbating together with him.

He has said it would be super sexy before as well, but I get too embarrassed. I guess I'm just curious if you have any tips to get over this. First, I want to recognize, Carrie, that yeah, it's awkward. A lot of these sex things are awkward. Having sex conversations are awkward. Mutual masturbation could be awkward.

You know, even getting on top for the first time during sex can be awkward. All of it is, but not awkward in a way that you can't do it. So maybe you laugh it off. Maybe you're like, okay, let's meet you, masturbate. Wow, this is weird as I'm taking off my pants and trying to do this thing. Like, that's okay.

But you're with a boyfriend and you want to see you do it and you want to do it. And I think you're just gonna get through it. I know you are, but this is maybe easier said than done. So maybe start with just some kind of regular connection, you know, kissing, making out for a play. And then maybe you could have your toy nearby, your hands nearby, and you can, you know, say like,

okay, I'm going to show you how I touch myself and it can just sort of start more organically. When you're already hooking up, you can start to touch yourself, you can bring in your toys, maybe you guys can play like one of these great card games they have now where you're asking to the questions and maybe that could lead to some more playful time. But I think just telling your partner that you're ready to do it and that it feels a little awkward to you, like just stating that, just saying this is uncomfortable, your partner's going to know how to make you feel really comfortable. I don't know if I told my partner I was nervous about something.

I would expect that my partner would be like, it's okay, babe, let's do this. Let's go slow. It's okay. I think you're really hot. Let me just see what you do here and I'll start and you know, they would be comforting for you. But I think that we think we got to show up super confident and ready to do this. They're going, let me take my pants off and let me start masturbating. No, you've never done it before.

But what I know and what I hope will give you encouragement here, Carrie, is that you're gonna find that it's really something that you enjoy and that gets you off and you learn something about your partner and it can be really fun. So we're just talking about those first few moments of a little bit of anxiety, but it was a loving partner I think they're going to help you. They're going to literally take your hand and guide you where you want to go

You got this carry. Thank you for your email. This is from page 30 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily my fiance and I moved in together about nine months ago after three years of dating Recently, I've been struggling with wanting more sex than we're having. I've spoken with my partner about this and it's something we're working on. He works long hours and is usually exhausted during the week. We're still having sex three or four times a week but to me the difference from the beginning of our relationship when we were having sex constantly to now feels scary. Logically I know this happens in long-term relationships so I think my feelings are rooted in low self-esteem and fear of my partner getting bored of me. I thought maybe masturbating more would help relieve the pressure on both parties, but now I can't seem to do it anymore. I

used to all the time. Now that we live together, I feel that this is our space and our bed, and I can't quite get comfortable masturbating in this environment. It's not that my partner would be upset or have to hide it. It's just psychological, I guess. Is there a way I can overcome this and make this space feel more intimate for myself? A great question, Paige. First, I was like, I love how self-aware you are. I love that you're like, yeah, I know that we're having still 11 sex, 34 times a week, but it's myself a steam and I have a fear of being left. The fact that you know that is amazing. And maybe it's not so much that you're craving the sex. Sex might be a stand-in

for some intimacy and connection you're craving from your partner on the days where you're not having sex. So I want to ask you this, is there something that happens during sex? Like maybe that's when you feel the closest to him. Maybe that's when you feel the closest to it. Maybe that's when you make out and you get to talk afterwards, you talk before, and you feel really held and supported. So the days you're not having that, you just feel more alone and you say your partner's working really long hours and he's exhausted. So I think you're just feeling like you need a connection and what the solve for that might

be. Maybe it's like you need an additional one or two hours a week or maybe it's 30 minutes where you feel seen and connected and intimate with your partner. Maybe it's holding hands, maybe it's watching TV together. I would think about this for a minute and think like what am I actually missing here? Because what I found with so many couples is that we say we want the sex and we're craving the sex but there's something else that we're needing here, especially because it's three to four days a week. To me, that feels like a good clip and hearing what you're all about here.

You just might need some more hand holding. You might be some more affection. So once you've figured that out with your partner and you start to feel safer and more supported by your partner, then I think you're going to have a lot easier time masturbating in your home. And taking a lot of the advice and episode and realizing that I can be connected to my partner, and now I'm going to fill myself up with my own self-love and my own touch and my own pleasure. Sounds like your cup is going to be pretty full then, Paige, once you sort this out with your partner and your own knowing about what you deeply

and truly need. But even before that, if you have a block around thinking that the space is just for you and your partner, what I found is that once you start to understand masturbation, they're really supportive of their partner taking space to care for themselves, you know, take some time to kind of set the space and look around your home and maybe you like take a bath or you set the mood or you do something special to kind of distinguish your bedroom

from feeling different or being different than it normally is, you know, you can put a blanket down a different kind of blanket, you could like candles, different lighting, create an intention around it, what I really love talking about and sharing is a practice of mindful masturbation where we're masturbating, not necessarily the goal of having orgasm, but the goal is really about exploring and understanding our bodies, creating space for you to give yourself permission. And saying like, I deserve this. I am taking my time to please myself sexually.

I deserve this in my home, you know? So I think that owning your own practice, knowing you deserve it and taking some time for yourself will help you to feel more comfortable with your intimacy all around. This is from Amanda, 24 in Michigan. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been masturbating since I was about 14. Organisms are never difficult when I masturbate, hands, toys, shower head, however,

I find that orgasm is so much more difficult with a partner. I've been my current partner for over four years now. He's so patient with me, he prioritizes my pleasure. I'm in school currently to become a sex educator and a sex therapist. I feel like I know my stuff. However, it seems like, no matter what I do, orgasm in with a partner takes forever. It took me 6 months of being a current partner, if I was able to orgasm in front of them and took 3 hours of stimulation. Fast forward to now, generally I'm the one stimulating my clutter to the vibrator. I'm fine using a toy, but it's frustrating

how long it takes me to orgasm with a partner when it's so easy on my own. I can have 3-4 orgasms solo, but as soon as he's around, it's like my clutter is loses sensation. I'll be wet, but the sensation is reduced. Also, nothing he does to stimulate me on his own has ever led me to orgasm. So now he doesn't know where to stimulate, it feels like we tried everything, mutual masturbation, toys, taking a long time, communication, bondage, but nothing changes.

I know this is mental, I try not to put too much pressure on orgasming, but I can't quite figure out what mentally is leading me to lose sensation with a partner. Help! Alright, Amanda, you've done a lot, you've done it all, you've tried, tried, tried. But I'm wondering, what have you done to really let go of your thoughts and get out of your head and into your body? When I'm feeling it, there's a lot of mental work here. You're thinking, am I going to orgasm? Am I not going to orgasm? But what I'm not hearing is that you've tried a presence. You've tried mindfulness. You've tried focusing on your breath. At every time you think,

I'm not feeling anything. What's you doing? Why aren't I or guys doing it? You go back to your breath and I'm talking deep, deep, deep belly breaths where you're like focusing on your inhale and your exhale and that's when you're really going to start to be able to move the energy through your body. You're not going to feel so stuck in your head and you're going to be able to maybe perhaps start to feel sensations like picture yourself breathing deeply and feeling your pelvic floor when you're having sex. Now, our breath doesn't really go down a pelvic floor, but maybe you can just try to picture that.

And then you can kind of tense and relax your pelvic floor muscles, which are you're like essentially doing a cag-lexercise. Because those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm anyways, you might as well like flex them, tense them, relax them, and get in touch with your body and your breath and try to release all of these thoughts in your head. This is just really a more mindful way of having sex because when you're in your head and you're in your thoughts,

you can't also be in your body. It just doesn't, they don't work, okay? It doesn't work together. So you could also try focusing on your five senses, thinking about like what you're smelling and what you're hearing and what you're tasting and where your hands are. Because in that moment, when you're focusing on your senses, it's a way to ground yourself in the present moment. So I just think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and I'd love you to start a healthy, biteful as practice that you could also use during

and of course. So I always recommend starting a mindful practice or meditation practice on your own and not in the context of sex that will really help you in the bedroom. But however you wanna try it, Amanda, this is what I feel you need. Please let me know how it goes. RJ30 in New York.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been with my wife for seven years. I have a two-year-old son. He's active and I'm an executive at a large company. My wife is very entrepreneurial, but she's a stay-at-home mom. He's active and I'm an executive at a large company. My wife is very entrepreneurial, but she's a stay-at-home mom for now. This is the life that she wanted, and this is the life I promised her, and this is the life she was given.

Now recently, I noticed that our sexual encounters have dwindled. We still having sex twice a day when we were married, three times a week once the baby came, but something's changed in the last few months. We're probably having sex twice a month now. She also takes it very personally, if I masturb masturbate and questions me about it on occasion as if I'm supposed to save myself until she's interested. I just really want to know what tools I can use

to spice up our sex life. We can't just take off and go on vacation alone right now. I want to know what she's thinking. I want to tap into her fantasies. I know she has them, but she's too scared to share them. Let me know you can't get away or get out of town right now, but can you have a date night where it's just about the two of you? Let me tell you, couples who prioritize date night for years at a time, like they say, once a week for the rest of our lives, for the next few years, we are going to prioritize date night. And that means that you're getting out of the home, it's just the two of you, and you can even have rules. We're not allowed to talk about the kids, we're not allowed to bring our phones. And the home, it's just the two of you, and you can even have rules. We're not allowed to talk about the kids, we're not allowed to bring our phones.

And then you can just focus on the two of you and enhancing your relationship. You mentioned that she's entrepreneurial, and now she's home, and maybe she's just feeling not very inspired. She's a home taking care of a toddler, and you're out working. A conversation with her, when you're out to dinner

and you're on date night, just talking about your sex life and saying, like I'd really love to kind of find our erotic connection again. Really important part of your connection and your marriage is to have erotic collaboration to have her turned on and you want to know what her fantasies are. And you know you guys can do the yes-no-maybe list together. You can start to listen to this podcast together, which a lot of couples do. You know, it sounds like she just might need a little bit of inspiration. She might need a little bit of getting into her body again.

What's she doing for herself right now besides mothering? Is she getting misogies? Is she exercising? Is she moving her body? Is she in a healthy place? Because getting our sex drive back or having libido and being interested in sex, there's a lot of factors that go into it.

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like, I want you to feel sexy and comfortable and inspired and like, what can we do together? And remember, this is an ongoing conversation. And letting her know that it's something that you want to help cultivate in the relationship is really, really important. Now, the best innovation part, you know, I think that you also could talk about that

and let her know that it is something that you're going to do in the relationship on your own, because it's solo sex, it's a self-love practice, and definitely encourage her on her own as well. You guys might be great candidates for mutual masturbation, maybe getting her a toy or kind of exploring what she does when she touches herself, if she touches herself. It sounds like maybe your wife just hasn't had a lot of experience talking about sex or

initiating sex is what you said. So I would just kind of start from the beginning. This might be the very first time you've had a mindful conversation about sex and then make a plan together how you're both going to learn to be the best lovers to each other. That's really what this is about. Alright, thanks for your email RJ. I appreciate you. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily.

Special thanks to A-CAST for powering the Sex With Emily podcast. Was it good for you? e-mail me feedback at sexwithemleaf.com.