Sex With Emily - Best of: Make Your Vulva Sigh with Dolly Josette

Episode Date: June 27, 2020

Dr. Emily always says there are so many different paths to pleasure. On this throwback podcast she helps you map out those paths with sexological bodyworker Dolly Josette! Dolly teaches you how to be in your body and really reconnect to your pleasure and sexual energy.They discuss what the heck vulva-mapping is and how can it help you and your partner work together to have the most pleasurable experiences possible by eliminating disconnected sex. Don’t just get off just to get through it. Learn about the build up, the teasing and finding the sweet spot. All this and more, including: embodied masturbation, cupping the vulva, and being empowered in your body whether you have a vulva or a penis! Find out why Dr. Emily’s vulva sighs when Dolly walks into a room and maybe after listening, yours will too!For more information about Dolly Josette, visit: https://www.pleasuremuse.com/For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's throwback podcast, we are revisiting my conversation with Dali Jozette. Dali is a sexological body worker and vulva mapper. You might be wondering what the heck vulva mapping is. And let me tell you, knowing yourself better is the most powerful tool you can have in bed. And this tools for everyone. This is the way you can learn your way around the special vulva in your life. We talk about all this and more. Stay tuned. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a bag on day. I am so excited to welcome the pleasure muse. Dali does that here. Dali is a certified, somatic, sexological body worker, somatic practitioner. She helps people discover their erotic potential in their bodies, get into their physical and emotional needs. And so if you're someone like most of you listening

who would rather watch Netflix and have sex, I know I see you, I've been there, and you wanna know what it's actually and intimately with your partner, Dali can talk to us about that. She sees, actually sees people in LA in Los Angeles. And she, what I love about Dali's, we always talk here about people are like, and it's called the Pleasure Muse.

Right Dali on Facebook and all that and at, yes, it's at the Pleasure Muse.com, and at Pleasure Muse on Instagram. That's right. So, and Dali's been on the show before, you can check out our podcast, but here's the thing about Dali is that she actually embodies all the things that we talk about.

Like Dali's in a marriage, she's married, and she's gone through challenges, but she knows so much about, but she's taught me a lot about being in my body, getting out of my mass, skill, and energy, being in the feminine. She is truly, she walks out and she gives people pleasure, and she teaches them about their own pleasure. Dallie, welcome to the show. So great to be here. Thank you.

I'm so glad you're here. You look beautiful and you brought us snacks. Oh, I know. I love my caro. I love my caro. So glad to see you. Last time Dali was here, she was on a podcast two years ago. She came in and she did a lap dance for me. Well, it's like, let's get our into our bodies

and you're in our dreams. Because she really is sexy dance. But when we were in Tashila Kelly, we did some pole dancing workshops because you guys, a lot of, you know, I talk on the, I'm here talking to all of you about your sexy life, but the huge missing component, and I'm going to say it's a lot for women to men too, but let's talk about women for a second is that we get completely disconnected from our bodies.

And so dancing and movement and masturbation and doing things that get you into your body so you feel connected again. That's the key word is connection. We walk around so disconnected that Dali is trying to teach me, I teach myself, you might have to, I have my new meditation master, my manifest thing I'm doing every day. I love that. So Dali helps people connect too. So what are you seeing right now with a lot of your people? How do we get more connected? Well, it's interesting because I see the spectrum from 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s.

I even have clients in their 70s. It's awesome. I love it. I just love it. They want to just continue to enjoy pleasure and keep discovering. But what I notice a lot that gives me the biggest sense of sadness is the people in their 20s and their 30s really coming into me saying, I've never had an orgasm. I prefer porn to people. I I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do or what I think but I don't really feel it just feels

numb and I don't feel like really connected. So is this sex? Is this what it is? Wow. Yeah. And so it really blows my mind and and I see it differently like with people coming out of marriages or Pre-menopausal or kind of that after kids thing where they're wanting to reclaim their pleasure They've maybe put some things on side kids maybe came first. They're reconnecting with their their partners so it's Different but similar. Yeah. In that, how do we get people reconnected? How do we?

I think we've just moved into the stage of instant gratification. Everything is like here and now. So we want to, I don't, I'm serious, can we say that's weird? You say whatever you want. Yeah, girl, yeah. So we want to fuck faster.

And we just want to get off in a way that is it really about connection? Who is it for? Who is your touch for? Is it really just to get off, to get to sleep? What is disconnected sense? It's when there's no eye contact, when you're getting off just to go to sleep, to move, to move quicker, to move faster, to, there's no anticipation. Right.

There's no build up. And this whole thing with, you know, text messaging and Instagram, those all are amazing tools. But when we think about our sex life and we want to put it on steroids and get a faster, quicker, harder, the better the weather, you need to go slower. It's true. So let's talk about the bill because you're saying quick fix. When I hear quick fix, I'm like, there goes the foreplay, there goes the making out, there

goes the oral. But what we're saying is it's that anticipation, the build up, the teasing is that sweet spot. I feel like, Dali, you're so good at slowing things down and teach. You actually teach people how to seduce and to tease. And whatever works for them, not like a form, this way I love to put Dali is that she's like, can read your energy in a way. Yes, we're here in California, but that's the best way I can say it. And in Taylor, it works for you. So how would you teach that to,

like I know you work with couples also. So whatever would be a great example of teaching a woman or a couple how to build anticipation again. Well, depending on where they are and the stage of their relationship, one of my favorite stories is this one couple was gonna break up. They were gonna break up because he couldn't give her an orgasm and it's this idea that he has to give her something

Which is already like backwards, but but but I don't want to shame people. Oh, we think that I thought that I think it was a guy's Responsibility I didn't know was my my job. Yeah, that was my side so knowing your body But but you know, that's just what's people think. Yeah. And then she was feeling inadequate, like she was broken, something's wrong with her. So they called me, and I always love to do work, first of I can with a woman by themselves. And I do what's called in my sexological body work, we do genital mapping. So I do to vulve a mapping with her. And she was really shy. And I said, I work with whatever, we do genital mapping. So I did evolve a mapping with her. And she was really shy. And I said, I work with whatever,

just come with yoga pants and we'll just see what's happening. So, I gotta jump in, Dallyva mapped my vulva. And yes, I did. So, okay, so this, she takes over pants, gets on the table, right or no. And she wasn't ready to. Oh, I was like, Dally, Dally and I are friends.

It was not sexual. I'm like, I wanna do it. All my legs were up. Okay, I don like, Daly, Daly and I are friends. It was not sexual. I'm like, I want to do it. All my legs were up. OK, I don't want to jump ahead. OK. But what we look for, what we look for with genital mapping, and if somebody's not ready to take their pants off, if they're not ready, like I'm going to.

I trust Daly with my vulva. Then we can start on the outside, and it's really just kind of retraining and getting their nervous system safe. But just teaching, like, cupping the vulva, breathing in. And then I started to teach different touching, just connecting with her rectile tissue

on the outer lips through her yoga pants. So it's not sexual. Like, Daly, let me just back up. Daly wasn't, I didn't even orgasm with Daly. Daly was, that's a separate thing that the vulva mapping is. And this is also to teach her her own arousal. Dallie's not like, this is about teaching a mom. Getting a mom.

So number one, we're gonna get to the sexy. We're gonna get to the erotic, especially when she brings in her boyfriend. But the thing about it is until you know how to play your body like an instrument, until I say, Emily, I have this erogenous zone right here on my neck. And if you just come over to it slowly and just do a little hot breath and maybe just

have a little bit of my hair hit it, then I'm going to just like feel like this whole train of orgasmic channel, like move through my back. And I've like mastered and worked it and I can just imagine you're doing that that I can like feel it. Wow. But it's knowing my body. So that's what like agency is.

It's like I know my spots that really feel amazing. And when you are my partner, I'm gonna say, hey, this is what feels really good. Would you like to check that out? Right. So that's what it is. So with this particular girl, she was nervous. And of course, bless her heart.

This is like, what you're going to do. What? Right. So once she felt safe with me, and then I started going over the yoga pants she's going, oh, oh, oh, well, could we take these off? Right. Oh my God. So then I was like, sure, let me get my gloves on, because it's one way to touch, and if

we do touch genitals, it's with gloves. So we, we've all will mapped her. And we, thankfully, she didn't have any pain, because sometimes we have to remediate pain. Let's talk about, if you, well, continue with the story, but then what will happen is, we'll pop back over to that. But then she, we found three rodgina spots. She has homework. So I'm all about embodied masturbation,

like truly breath and movement. And I guide you. And we can do things in the office, but it's a lot of self-study too. And what are you learning? Because we want to break you out of your habits. So then we brought in her boy friend and then I taught him to vulva map her. And it was unbelievable. And she's like, no, more like how do I touch

because he was moving really fast. Right. People generally touch the way they like to be touched. So he's touching her a lot quicker. So I just hold his hand just over her vulva again asking her maybe to push her body in. And then I say, okay, now do this a lot quicker. So I just hold his hand just over her vulva. Again, asking her maybe to push her body in. And then I say, okay, now do this a little harder. The cupping over the vulva is a key move. We key move. It's just resting with your hands. Be for sex. After sex.

After care pre-care. Yes, that's a great way of putting it. I've never said that. I love that. And it's just like really relaxes. And you'll see the woman's legs just even open up even more You can just cup it. Yeah, it feels so validating. It's so but because you're like I'm not going anywhere I'm here. It's founding. Yeah, and so I feel like my vulva just got cups in here

Tell it comes in the room and my whole vulva just it just sighed It just took a little break. Not to get a massage. It's amazing. But it's true. Just like when you put your hand on someone's head or their forehead, you feel safe. So you taught them that, how to touch her, and how to pray. And then it progressed, and then he was surprised at how

hard some of the areas that she actually like to be touched. Where were those air giving me? Because every woman's different. So, because every woman's different. So she had every woman's different. So you found out examples where are they giving them. So for her in particular with the cupping, she really liked the pressing on the pubic bones.

Yes. And then really once he started to touch right on the entrance kind of of the enjoytus, which is the vagina opening, the vaginal opening. So this whole thing, when I do vulva mapping, I touch a body part, and I do, it's a somatic learning, so I'll touch it, and I say it. So we're learning anatomy, we're learning that you have,

you know, a clitoral shaft, you know, about the clitoral legs, the vestibular bulbs. I mean, women have five erectile beds. Yes, I know. Right. Five. Five of them. Oh my God, guess what? What?

I just discovered we have more. We do? More than five. We have a erectile bed in our ears. I didn't know this. Oh my God. I didn't. Oh my God.

You did totally did. I'm so getting off topic. But like we have more and men have them too and I learned that we have them in our nose. So this is why I think this whole thing of smell. Yeah. And then when do people do come and talk into your ear? I have so hot.

It's like ridiculous. What's possible when you start opening your body up to the possibilities? So back to the story, they went off for their homework. They had, you know, continuing this for the next two or three nights. They called me three nights later, and they said, we have continued to lab, to play and figure this out. And we have been making love, and she has had orgasms. And she never will. Not with him. And she had, that's what was weird. She kind of had before, but their bodies were still getting

to know each other. And she thought something's wrong with me. We wouldn't do that. We think it's our fault. Yeah, we do. And then they called me like six months later and their gum got engaged and got married. Oh my God.

And here this was a couple who was gonna break out. Wow, that's amazing, Dali. Because it's such a different side of it because you're giving tips and talking to you, but you actually walk them through it, which is just so amazing because this is what I tell you that what you guys know about sex now is so limited. We scratch the surface of our potential.

Our potential for pleasure, our potential for connection, like all the places on our body. And that's why I love this, what Dali's doing, the sexological body work, the somatic, all of it. It's a journey, because I was thinking about it. I was thinking about, if I like, talking about disconnected sex

and all this instant gratification, like back in the day, right? Okay, I'm aging myself now. There are handwritten letters. I have an email. I have an email. And all of that kind of stuff where it takes a little longer And I always had I'm out of state boyfriends, so I really let me tell you this is my so fucking good about build up and

Intercipation because I always had a long distance relationship. Yeah, maybe and I think also that contributed to why I'm really Amazing with masturbation because you have to use your fantasy. Exactly. I have a great fantasy. Let me tell you. Bad dolly. Dolly's sexy little mix. She is. She is.

I just love Dolly. I mean, really. But the quick and fast sex, there's a time and a place for it. I don't want to bring shame to people because there is a time where you have curiosity, right? You want to understand. But sometimes you just have to look at why are you doing this? Are you looking for it for validation?

Are you looking at it just to learn to try something new? These are all okay reasons, but at some point you're going to say, I want something else. And that's when you pick up some great books. I'm sure you've recommended. That's when you listen to Emily. That's when you pick up some great books. I'm sure you've recommended. That's when you listen to Emily. That's when you come to see somebody like me. And I'm not the only one. There's amazing sex educators out there.

I still go, see sex educators. I was just recently seen my sex logical body worker. I also just went to do the subdom class with, I'm like, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go. Oh my god, dammit. I know, don't, there's always things to do. We are class. That's right. I'm right. I want to go. Oh my god, damn it. I know. There's always things to do.

We are never done. Yeah. We are never done. I met Dolly because I was doing a somatic therapy training in San Francisco three years ago. It was intense. It was like every other month for five to six days. It was intense.

We, but it was fun. Yeah, and I'm never done. Yeah, you're never done learning. I'm still in therapy. Again, different kind, but we're never done learning. I'm still in therapy again different kind But we're never done even as practitioners because we want to bring Dalai's been going and doing it for a long time Yeah, I mean since you've been in this because when let's just say the last five years she been doing this or four This kind of works. Yeah, but before that like you were not having you didn't know your friggin

Denon's breath She wasn't born knowing that someone talks into her ear. You had to discover it. It's like taking a timeout and just having this lab with yourself. When I did my sex logical bodywork training, truly we had a marathon of what they call orgasmic yoga practice. Another easier way to say it is just mindful masturbation or embodied masturbation. And we had to do this every day and the things you have to bump up against if you really

take on the homework. It just starts to unfold and you start noticing things. Listen, I had a client the other day, we were working on giving and giving touch and receiving touch and there's a touch called taking. When you're just like taking for your pleasure, and I was about, we were saying, okay, what kind of touch do you want? I want you to touch me, okay, great. And this was just over close,

and we were teaching him how to express things to his girlfriend, because he was feeling a lot of shame, asking for things, so we want to break down that shame and say it's okay to ask for something. But it was interesting because I was going to do a taking touch which the touch was for me. I just do whatever I want. And I just started to warm up my hands. And I stopped. I was like, oh my god, I just need to take a minute. He said, why? I said, I'm warming up my hands because I live in the giving quadrant. I'm like this ultimate giver, but I was doing it for your comfort so you don't have to feel the coldness of my fingers. So it was like this light bulb where it's really actually very hard for me to be a take-out.

I know. That's why I really enjoyed that subdom class because you really get into this power where I'm like a gentle dog. I like it. I like it. It's a whole other way of being. And that helps me get into my taking mode. And when you and I did that dancing, Meshila Kelly, then you're like taking the movement and taking, you know, in a different way.

The music, if I put rock and roll music on my body moves differently. Not like gentle, like, giver, nurturing dolly. Then I get like rock and roll, like, naughty provocateur. Exactly. God, we've been through a lot together. Dallin and I have done the dancing, we've done the class, we've done the, we've done a lot of different things, Dallin. You inspire me for sure.

I have a question now. When we're talking about this disconnection, I often tell women and men like what about bringing that energy within a couple? Like do you think our erotic energy is something that we have to find on our own or do you work, can couples kind of together you can kind of help them stoke that erotic energy? It depends. One time I had a couple come in and it was really interesting because the we they did a full day with me, but the first thing that we did was the vulva mapping and it was really hard because

when I was working with her, I didn't get a chance to work with her. She was not really dropping into her own body. She kept saying, well, what do you think, honey? Well, what do you think? Oh, what sort of like go, right? It was so hard. And then when I was teaching him to work on her, he said, oh, are you going to make her so picky? So there was like, oh, ready. A lot of stuff, like in between the lines, like there was already under things of like, he's felt rejected, she's been needy and right.

You can do it all. So that made me think that changed the way I like to work. Sometimes people don't have a choice if they travel to see me But then I really like to see if a person can have their needs. What are their issues? Couples even if we don't do body work. I can see a lot when I just have them do eye work with each other What the first just staring to do the eyes that is the most that was the first thing we did during our training Yeah, because you're looking for their style of attachment.

Are there securely attached if they wanna go off? Have you told through their eyes, staring? Well, and then you can also start to see if there's a little bit of trauma or things going underneath, but this one couple, she couldn't, every time she was looking at her husband, she would just do like this. She would just look away.

She couldn't stay there. And she had, as it turned out, there was some trauma that came up, but it was interesting that I said, let me just take a chance and a you and I look to each other. And she was able to be there. So there were just some things that started to arise that in her nervous system, she was just even nervous.

And this was her husband. So imagine how that's affecting, you know, in their day to day. But with couples playing around and seeing how they, they talk to each other, how they can flirt with each other. You teach them, you teach the flirting. It's one of my favorite things. I know she's looking natural, flirt.

Okay, we're going to take a quick break, but when we get back, Dolly and I are going to answer all your vulva questions. What's your favorite thing? What's your favorite thing? Dolly Jozette's here, the pleasure muse. Hello. She helps people feel more pleasure in their bodies

and in their life, and it works. We're all here like mouth The gate the girls here have not met her. So I'm so excited. She's a dear friend. She lives in LA. She sees people one on one two We'll put this in the show notes so you can find her. But I just love her advice and having ground so we can take a call and then she's gonna Tell us about what to do about porn Yeah, so we got Melanie. She's 50 from California. She's got a question about menopause. Hey, Melanie. Hey, Melanie. How you doing? Thanks for calling. Hi, how are you? Thank you. Good. You could turn off a speaker. That'd be great. Oh, wait. Yeah, because I got you on my car phone. Can you hear me better?

Yeah, it's a little, okay. Yeah, I have a question. You know, I've been with my husband. We've been together since I was 22 and he's 21. I never had a problem having an orgasm ever. But since I hit 47, I've been losing my sensitivity. Yeah. And it's just the point where I only have like a 10% of feeling down there and it's like I'm totally losing my sensitivity as my... Yeah. Well it's the estrogen, that's what's happening, it's like the loss of estrogen.

I mean this really is happening with women. So have you gone to see your doctor or anything? Yeah she did put me... See I'm having a period about every four months, is this okay? Okay, if you put me on something called Prim Pro, but it caused me to know Don't do that. Okay Yeah, I go know get off of it. Okay, Dali's gonna okay. No, Dali We've got some things here for you, but you know, we're gonna have to say goodbye because it's really loud for you on speaker, but I think we're, tell me your name is Melanie. Melanie, we're gonna help you off air.

I mean, when you're off the phone, but we're gonna keep talking. It's okay, Dallie, yeah. So I keep talking to Melanie. Yeah, keep talking to Melanie. So Melanie, one of the tricks that sex logical body workers do is we do what's called remediation. And our biggest ally is castor oil. There's what's called recinalic acid in castor oil and it helps with inflammation. It helps rel- it helps to relubricate the vulva and it helps also to strengthen the tissue.

Because what happens at your stage is the tissue start to thin and you're gonna- and you lose lubrication. I'm right there with you sister. It's something that I'm dealing with as well and our bodies change and it's a fact of life and sometimes it doesn't sound so sexy, but you know what, when you can have an education about it and there's something I'll talk about

with Emily down the road, but I just had my husband help me with some remediation that was actually very sexy. I have a video to show you later. Oh my God, okay. I'll talk about with Emily down the road, but I just had my husband help me with some remediation that was actually very sexy. I have a video to show you later. Oh my god, okay. I will talk about the next time for husband. Yeah, but what you can do for your own self is just to get some castor oil and do some application externally just starting to kind of touch all your parts from outer to inner. And then the trick that we do is get an organic tampon without an

applicator. It has to be organic. So sprouts, whole foods carries them and then soak it in the caster oil. Let it soak for like five minutes, roll it around and then put it inside of you for about 20 minutes. So do that a couple of times and then there's this other thing that you can do called vaginal steaming. There's lots of herbs. There's a woman. The V-Stame. There's a woman Awesome steamy chick.com, I think. You can get a System for your own house. Maybe go see if you can find a spa that has one and see if you like it first. I haven't done it, Dully

Okay, that's another date. We have to say day one of these two. I get these things from Dully You want to go to a subclass? Want want to go to get your vagina steamed tonight? It's amazing. Dali's up on all the things. So you've told me about castor O.B.4. That can help for sure, I think, with lubrication and rebuilding in the wall. But there's also like, I don't know what a doctor gave her.

Sounds like it's some kind of synthetic hormones. Well, I mean, you know, there are, I think, bionydenicol. Yeah, bionydenicol. Better. There's a little bit better. And you have to just be careful too with estrogen if that, if you have breast cancer in your family,

just be super careful. But in terms of just the natural way, getting down there and just having that touch to start bringing back sensitivity and then we can get your husband to teach you some amazing vulva mapping and just really bring back a lot of sensation to all of your parts so that it's not just about penis and vagina, but we're getting all of the other elements activated. So how do you no matter what age someone is is Dali? Let's talk about that activation of Of a rousal and teasing and just

Stroking and all the things. So what happens with porn? I'm gonna bring it back to porn Yeah, so it happens with porn just like Instagram just like all the likes on Facebook whatever. It's their dopamine hits So you just like dopamine dopamine dopamine. I get it. I get it So it's like oh my. So you just like dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, I get it, I get it. So it's like, oh my God, porn. You can have sex with, you know, 50 women in five minutes. Exactly, such a virtual reality porn. Yeah, it's like all this intense, intense, intense. But what you're doing is you're actually limiting

your hormonal like waterfall. So you're not activating the nitric oxide. You're not activating the oxytocin. So you become a dopamine addict. Right. For the porn. Right. So we have to kind of, you know, the biggest thing that I like to tell porn watchers is to become more embodied stand up when you're watching porn. Why? Because then you start moving your whole body. If you stand up, if you're standing up, so I'm not saying that women don't watch porn. Absolutely. There's porn that I like to see. But let's say we're talking about a man and they're just watching it on their laptop. Hand on penis, that's it. So stand up, move your laptop up higher and start to move your body. Start to breathe. Start to

just see what you notice. Maybe then you're going to move off the pews off the porn and then maybe put on some music. If you start activating your whole body, you're going to start to notice and feel other things. People who do this, the man who founded a sex logical body work as a profession, he does this whole thing called porn yoga. And he had people really, you know, do this and really commit to watching porn. So for so long, standing up and then over time, what consistently happened is the porn became less interesting to them because their body started like activating and moving and they started

to feel more pleasure throughout their whole body. So we want to break the dopamine addiction and we want to actually move and feel the pleasure and expand it just from our genitals and move it throughout the rest of the body. That can really happen. That is a practice to feel very intently the pleasure throughout in our genitals and its spreads because I think we are so focused on that. Hit it in quid, orgasm, men and women are these ones spots in what with dali's. Just when I always say things are expansive and sexually, this is what she teaches.

I have to find all those pleasure spots on our body. Yeah. Good point, Dali. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, but we get back, we're gonna take your calls and answer your questions about how you and your partner can find your orgasm. We got James, he's 29 from Florida. He has a question about giving his girl an orgasm.

Okay, James. Hi James, we'd love to help you. You have two orgasm exercises. I like to say I'm a new listener. I just started listening to you tonight and so far. I really love the show. So glad. Thank you.

Welcome to the show. We're on every night, weekdays. I'll definitely put it in. Well, my question is I've been with my girlfriend for about four years now. And we have tried everything. We've tried different lubricants, we have tried excessive amounts for play, everything, and we cannot achieve orgasms for her. Okay.

She's achieved orgasms with a little men in her past, so it's not an issue of hers, she's 29 as well. But we're just kind of in a lot, but I mean the book played doesn't work, masturbation for her doesn't work. We tried using vibrators, toys, and nothing seems to work, and you know, on start, it kind of feel like maybe it's me. No, it's not you. See, this is what we do, because often we want our partners to feel so much pleasure and then we feel bad that it's us. It's not you at all. I love that you're both working on it together,

but I would say that she's got to spend some time alone also figuring out her body and masturbating and figuring out, because there's a lot of pressure if you're there with her and you're both doing it. I've tried to do those exercises, trying to find my G-spot with a guy. I was like, nope, I'm going to find this on my own and bring it back to you. So it sounds to me like, it's four years, a long time. And so I think we got to switch something up. What do you think, Dali? Yeah, I think maybe taking it off the table as like the goal to get to. Because what happens is then that just becomes a goal

and frustration and insecurities come up. Yes. So have the journey, like instead of, you know, like take the coast highway and then just see what happens. One of the things that's really nice is to start to overload the body with sensation.

So one of the things that is a nice little trick that I like to do is those little under bed handcuffs that you like to put underneath the mattress. Yeah, I have those sports sheets that are called their under bed restraints. You gave me the name for my anniversary. I didn't connect underneath for some reason. They did it.

Okay, I'll give you more. No, but I found my old one and I dropped off Loub at her. I dropped off, yeah. So, the birthday presents. Okay. So this idea to just like bring her full body to pleasure. So, it's an idea. It doesn't mean you have to have this tool, but it's fun, because if

she's kind of has her arms tied on her legs, but everything is about consent. If she needs to know what her yeses. We've tried the tying before, and we got a little bit closer with it. Let me say as well, for her, she always feels uncomfortable masturbating for whatever reason she doesn't like to discuss it with me. That's the issue. Right there. Stop talking. Stop talking. That's the issue. That's the issue.

So, there's shame there. She has to unravel. And the shame is preventing her from actually being able to let go and surrender to the full orgasm. And there's something going on. But it's peculiar because of the fact that she has orgasm with other men and not with you. But you also sound like an incredible man. You sound really safe on the phone. There might be something that she actually feels like she can do some healing right now. We have to look at sex is great for fun. Sex is great for pro creation, but sex is also healing.

It's very healing. And so there's something going on in your dynamic that she's actually probably feeling free that she can actually look at this in a deeper level. I mean four years later, man, and you are there loving her calling on a show trying to figure this out. Yeah, I have goose bumps. We've been together for ten years, but amazing. I was separated to work, you know, and it was basically a long disinflation shift until the last four years. Yeah, okay. So you guys, again, it's a long time to be together. So I think you're right though, she has something she doesn't want to talk about that Intensely that that's something that she has to work on right now. Yeah, and there's there's some Sexological Body Workers in Florida. Um, there's a I think the website is sex logical bodyworkers.org

I'll make sure Florida or using California No, he didn't you say you were in Florida? Yeah, California. Oh Florida. Okay. Got it Florida and And so there there are I know one that's okay. I can fly is there oh, oh, we have a friend. Yeah, she's our name Dragonfly We studied sex. She's legit. Yeah, and she didn't just do somatic, she's a sex bot like me. Yes. So, there is just a lot of learning and a lot of unraveling.

So something has been triggered that she's not able to let go, but she feels safe enough to do it. Right, so she can learn to undo this wiring so she can learn to have pleasure again. Yeah. If we get tripped up, right, something happened and it got stuck. And the other thing though too, is because in this other hat I wear, when I'm not working on people's bodies,

but I'm looking at how are you showing up? Like how are you showing up in this relationship? We also wanna make sure that you're outside persona, you know, versus your bedroom persona, it's great that they're safety, there's great that there's consent, but we also want to see how can we get you a little bit more in your cock. So, one of Dali, because that's true, is there a way that you could be more stand up more and be more not forceful but like like like

cock fident is the big book that one of our our teacher wrote a confidence I have it here on that book cock fident difficult for me is you know she she always wants me to be the man and take charge you know in the bedroom and there's times when I would like to be dominated a little bit. Yeah, this is the whole thing. Right.

Right. I know Emily, you spoke earlier about a promising, how well do you recommend that? Because I've tried KY's brand. No, it's much better than KY. I'm friends with the owner. Promessant is for PE. It's a quickly absorbing delay spray. Promessant is the only FDA-approved treatment for pre-rejection regulation.

I've been working with them for six, seven years. I know the owner and they came to me. I'm like, that's really works. I know a lot about it. And everyone, I mean, I've not heard anyone emailing and saying they didn't like. Honestly, I just, I absolutely recommend them with my full part in confidence.

Okay, because I think maybe that's part of the issue because we've had times when we've gotten almost to that point and you don't last long enough for her. But I don't think that that, okay, maybe, but there's a lot of other things going on here. And there's also what, and there's different sexual styles too. One of my colleagues, Gia, she did this thing called erotic blueprints and she talks about sexual style, kinky, energetic, sensual.

And it's almost like love languages, but for sex. And if you all are kind of hitting on different places, then you're speaking a different sexual language than she can receive. So for example, my husband is sexual. Like, it's like, he's just game on. Always. And I'm stacked, essential, energetic, kinky, and then sexual. So we have all this work to do to get to my turn on. But he's, once we- And that sounds like us as well.

Yeah, but you could do the work to get there. Yeah, so once we discovered this, I did some one-on-one work with Jaya. One of her conferences, it was amazing once I discovered someone on one work with Jaya, one of her conferences. It was amazing. Once I discovered my language and how my body spoke, when I'd come home, I'd say, honey, I have a bath running for you. I'm like, oh, thank you.

So all of a sudden, my sensual was spoken to and my needs were getting taken care of because I'm the one, honey, you want a bath? Honey, let me get you dinner. Let me do of because I'm the one honey you want to bath honey Let me get you dinner. Let me do this. I'm like such that role of wifey Emily can it test yes, yes She brought us macaroons like she's the most caretaking person in the world But but at the same time I he knows that if he wants to activate my sexual or get me in a place to have my body nurtured

with lotion or oils, then he speaks a little bit to that energetic where he's moving and slowly. He's not too fast. And then he may be the kinky. That's why we do those tie-ups for the bed. And so then he's incorporating the sensual and the room is lit and all of these things and my body just gets overloaded but you know what he does?

What? He says, I'm not gonna give you like cock. I'll show you a bag for it. Really? And that my dear is the anticipation. He just says that after all. No, no, when we did that one particular night. Oh, because he's just like,

it's like that whole thing with the denial. Denial, yeah. And that's the thing with this instant gratification and just getting to sex and everything. It's like teasing like you want it, but then you can't get it. Yeah. I mean, listen, I got hooked with him the first night we met. We met on match.com, right? So then we have this date. And then we go to after our date, we had like some advertisers and drinks, then we go to after our date we had like some appetizers and drinks then we went to Gdiva and he bought a couple pieces of chocolate and he handed me my chocolate really close to my lips. We did nothing when in Kirsten it was our

first meeting and he was holding it real close to my lips and I just like looked up at him and then and then I well, I'd like to share my chocolate with you too. He's like, well, would you like a bite of mine? So we just did this like really like prolonged biting of each other's chocolates, like right next to the finger. Right. What is that thing?

And then I could just see the shape of his lips. And it was just like the almost hot non-kiss kiss. Wow, the first time you met, and that's how, and then we said goodbye. And then, no, no, he walked me to get the car. And I was like, is he gonna kiss me? And then, but I just loved that lingering. I did not, he came in, and I just kind of turned my head

for a hug, and then we went off. But that's the build up. That's the thing, the t-s. The t-s. The t-s. The t-s. So once we kind of know each other's language of our sexual language, he can kind of feed into it.

But you know I felt bad for him the other night. Okay, well thank you, James. James Cillan, James you're awesome. I think we helped them a lot. Okay James, we're going to have you figure it's all this out. I'm glad you found the show. Okay go ahead you're awesome. I think we have them along. Okay James, we're gonna be figures all this out. I'm glad you found the show. Okay go ahead, I love Dallie and Jason go. Keep going.

Thanks James, gotta go. I felt bad about the other night is he said something and I said earlier with our Melanie Menopausal lady that I'm going through my stuff and my libido is like changing, I'm like figuring this out and he goes, you know honey I'm trying to do all the sensual stuff. I'm trying to figure this out.

He goes, but I just, I had this dream last night I woke up and I was feeling really sexual and I have shame for it and I felt terrible. I was like, you know what? You should not have shame for being your sexual. That is amazing, you know? And so just because I have my now we know my language is not listen for a minute like nine year of my nine year seven years before I discovered this other aspect I was always feeding his sexual right

because that's what we do right you know it's like oh this is that he's gonna like this he's gonna like that and of course I had enjoyment too, but once I learned my body, I could actually build more trust, more intimacy. I wasn't crossing my own boundaries with things, and I was able to open up, and we were able to deepen our intimacy, deepen the orgasmic potential, all these things. But the other night, I was like,

you're chewing so much. You're so amazing. Right. And so I love that Jason says he's like I have guilt around it. I know he's not. He's just so much. I know he's not. They truly are like my favorite couple.

Like I join them on their anniversary. I mean not in that way, but I would of maybe. I have a question in the U.M. Yeah. You just have me so in captured right now. What was the recommendation to find out your sexual language? What was it that you said? There's a lot of different ways to do that. Yeah. The one that I was specifically talking about is the Jaya Blueprint. Yeah. Jaya, Jaya Erotic Blueprint. So I can, I can put some information.

Yeah, there's some information. And Dali, you could work people could, I mean, yeah, there's a lot of different ways to figure out. There's different, there's other, there's other people who, she has erotic blueprint coaches. I mean, she's a whole program. That's what I'm saying is my contribution to this space is I love to see people, I love to empower people, but there are other people, there are other amazing books. It's just like, how can you learn?

What would be a great book to start on this, you think, for people, Dali? At Pleasure Moves, you can find Dali Pleasure Moves and PleasureMuse.com. For what? For like a book that you think would help people with their, we have to read so many books for Samanaka. Like, there's so many layers that Dali didn't do,

we had to do a lot of work to figure out. You know one of my favorite books, our sexual stories. Is Esther Perrell's mating and kept in place? Yeah, that's a great is ester perels mating and kept. Yeah, that's a great book for relationships. Really a good book. And why I really resonate with it is because she speaks to a lot of the things that I like to teach couples and it's that building of anticipation.

It's like, okay, you know, this ideal goal of, you know, marriage and kids and then, oh, what happened to the sacks, you know, which is the condition that happens to everybody. So there's all these different modalities that people can figure out the way to get your sex life back on track again, like how it's going to happen. I was told people just to know that it's going to shift and change and how are you going to shift and change with it and it helps to really learn it together and get into your body or yourself, if you're single, I'm never done learning. No, never.

And one you can understand, like how you like to be touched, and that's when it comes back to the masturbation, gentle, firm, and it's different when somebody brings, if you know yourself, then when you have partnered experiences, even better. Yeah, exactly. You bring that to the table and don't worry about the shame. I mean, I think that's the other thing is that since once we figure this out

Then we're like, how do I talk to our partner about it? Yeah, but you just kind of bring it your partner wants to please you This goes for a minute for women and whoever you're with that the more you know that is power and that's confidence to that's the real kind of confidence That comes with really knowing your body and it's a journey and I encourage everyone to go in that journey And you know how we told our Florida guy like get cocked. James James, I love James like getting your cock. And he said something, but well I like to be a little bit you know dominated sometimes. There can be a way that you just get into that, but it's called like sub topping from the bottom. That's what the term is. So it can be that you go to your girlfriend, James, and say, you know what I'd really like. I'd really love it if you got on

your knees and just touched my inner thighs. And you're asking for it, but then you say, and then I just wanna close my eyes and just pretend like you're this masseuse and I'm just gonna surrender and not say anything else. And then you tell me what you'd like to do next. So it's like you're starting it. Like you're creating your own adventure together. Who could ever say no to that?

That was such a sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy. I want to go massage Dolly's thighs. Yeah, I feel like if I said that, it would come out loud and direct. Like I did. He's practiced. So I feel like I would do that. But you know what? That might just be the kind of DOM you are. You might say, I don't know what you want.

There's no right, there's no right or wrong way. No, but that's just plain with kind of DOM you are. I don't know what to do. There's no right or wrong way. No, but that's just playing with it. The whole DOM stuff, it's like, when you want to find out like especially for women or men, you look at the archetypes. This is what I learned from a director. You look at the archetypes of women from history, women from literature, from the silver screen,

from the news, superheroes, whatever. So you look and you kind of list them. It's a great exercise to do with girlfriends. We can do it later. So then you figure out, well, you like revolve mapping and mine. Okay, that one's all right. You figure out who you resonate with

and who you idolize. It's Cleopatra, if it's Medusa, it doesn't have to just be like the sweet woman. It can be like the badass, like intense women. And then you find out the attributes, then you start writing their attributes. Then once you figure out all the attributes, and you circle the ones that seem to keep coming up.

And then you kind of see who are you driving with, who are you resonating with. Doesn't mean who you are. In our sexual selves or in our, in our selves, because I've know these exercises are like, you might identify as one thing in your life, but it's not how you are sexually,

it's that you're a erotic story. You have to decide, because when I did mine, I did this recently, and mine were, like the attributes were like, you know, healer, to be, to be reviewed, revered, loving, mischievous, like all of these types of things. And it was kind of more like caretaker, what have you. And then I started to see these other things like my Magdalena. I wrote in Magdalena, somebody I really wanted to. Like a little bit of the outsider, a little bit of the rebel kind of.

So then you kind of look to see, maybe today, I'm gonna be the nurture caretaker. And then the next day, I'm going to be the little rebel. So it's just you're finding that voice because you, the way you just said that, you're so direct, you'd be like, you know what? Get on your knees. Yeah, it'd be fine.

This is the thing about sex and everything goes. If you're somebody else, then the way I think I sound. Yeah, it'd be fine. This is the thing about sex and everything goes. Is it you could say anything you want in bed if you are fully embodied and if you feel good about it, it's coming from your true place that you figured out that's where you feel the most dumped. There's not a right way to even ask what you want to talk dirty. All the things that's why with porn people are like, oh, I don't want to talk dirty because I feel like I should just do it the way I saw it. We all get to develop our own dirty voice.

Our own way of asking for it. And then if you can just tell somebody, I want you to tell me to touch, I won't touch you unless you tell me exactly where. And how about that? All right, then you're passing the baton. Yeah, keep passing the baton. That's such a good thing.

So, Dali, my dear friend, I just we could all listen to you online, pleasuremuse.com. She's at pleasuremuse. Thank you, Dali, for being here. Find her at the pleasuremuse. Pleasuremuse. I'll be in the show notes. Pleasuremuse.com. Dali, so amazing, so inspiring. We're all super turned on by you and everything that you've shared about being more connected to your body. There's so many different paths to pleasure. So, that's very inspiring. All right, business with Emily. Find me Monday through Friday from five to seven pm Pacific on Series XM stars for even more awesome

sex talk calls and segments. It's a great time. You can find more at sexwithemlee.com slash SXM. Also follow me on all social media. It is sex with Emily across the board, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and you know if you have any email questions and everything it's feedback at sexwithemily.com. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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