Sex With Emily - Best Of: More Foreplay, More Orgasms

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

I dive into the psychology of foreplay and how to get aroused with specific (and quite sexy) pre-game tips. I also talk about what to do if foreplay and overall sex with your partner has gotten a bit ...stale, how to tease and arouse yourself, what to do if your partner doesn’t want to explore new things, and how to handle a partner who won’t reciprocate foreplay. Plus, I answer your questions!In this episode, you’ll learn:How to set the mood for hotter, more intimate sexSpecific sex tips to seduce a partnerThe key differences between couples with ‘great’ vs. ‘bad’ sex livesSee the full show notes at Notes:How to Have the Best NYE Kiss Ever5 Ways to Be a Better Lover in 2024Podcast: The Gottmans on Compatibility, Conflict & ConversationFlavored LubesMassage CandlesArticle: Ask Emily: How Do I Get Better at Dirty Talk?Podcast: Talk Dirty To Me w/ Joanna AngelArticle: 6 Tips for Mastering the Game-Changing Technique of Mindful MasturbationYes, No, Maybe List & Other GuidesSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 And those moments of kissing and touching and slowing down, new experiences, new sensations, you know, you can be sexual or physical. They can be verbal connections. It could be spontaneous gifts, reinforcing the commitment to your relationship could be a really important part of the difference between good sex and bad sex. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Amali and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.
Starting point is 00:00:30 In today's best of episode, I dive into the psychology of foreplay and intimacy, a fascinating study on the difference between good and bad sex, and how to get a rouse with specific and quite sexy pre-game tips. We also talk about what to do at For Play and overall, sex with your partner has gotten a bit stale. How to tease and arouse yourself, what to do if your partner doesn't want to explore new things and how to handle a partner who won't reciprocate For Play.
Starting point is 00:00:56 Plus, I answer your questions. Lot in this episode, I think you're gonna love it. As always, you can let me know. I'd love to hear it from you. Please rate your views, sex with Emily. Wherever you listen to the show, we still appreciate when you do that. It helps get the show out to more people. I just want to wish everyone a happy new year.
Starting point is 00:01:11 We've got a lot of exciting things coming at you in 2024 with sex with Emily. So thanks, everyone, for being along as we head into our 19th year. My new articles, how to have the best New Year's Eve kids ever and five ways to be a better lover in 2024 are up on Sex with Emily dot com. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. So I haven't seen that four place starts after the last orgasm and what I'm meaning by that is four place should really happen all day, every day. So I want to break down the importance of four play for a really dynamic sex life. And then give you some tips for making four play harder than ever and answer your four
Starting point is 00:02:01 play questions. So let's talk about foreplay for a minute because I think it does get a bad rap. In the sense of you often hear that women, vulva owners want foreplay, penis owners don't want foreplay, and there's this notion that it's always something that we're nagging for. Like women back in the day, they just want foreplay
Starting point is 00:02:21 and men are just ready to go, and I'm just gonna dispel all of those myths today today. But first let me define what foreplay is. So foreplay also can be called outer course, which I actually like that better because foreplay to me is a term that just centers on it being the precursor to sex and that sex is all about goes in vagina. And in my mind, sex should not be only about that. For play is basically a sexual activity defined as a sexual activity that happens before sexual intercourse.
Starting point is 00:02:54 Again, showing that it's happening before the main event. So sort of the warm up and for play doesn't have to always lead to intercourse. Typically things like kissing, cuddling, touching, talking. I love foreplay. Sometimes I think that foreplay could be the main event,
Starting point is 00:03:11 or it is the main event, at least in my life. So I'd love you to start thinking differently. We can put all of this under the sex umbrella, all of these sex acts, intercourse, kissing, oral sex. And I'd love them all to be sort of an equal playing field. You get to choose any one of them. You can just have oral sex, and I'd love them all to be sort of an equal playing field. You get to choose any one of them, you can just have oral sex, and I'd say you had sex that night. So you know what I often say that your brain is the largest sex organ, and it really applies
Starting point is 00:03:38 to what I'm talking about when I say for play all day, because it's really psychological. Because for play, what happens is our brains need to get on board for sex. So are we thinking about sex? You're connecting to your partner. Maybe they sent you a sexy text. Maybe you showered together in the morning inside to other's bodies. And then that sort of you've kept fueling your day. You were looking forward to the evening where you got to see your partner again.
Starting point is 00:04:02 Because when we don't have any kind of four-player, any kind of worm of borrowerous, and then we go right into penetration, a lot of us, especially both owners, find ourselves not really prepared. Like we're not turned on, we're not aroused. And what I really need you understand is that the few of a penis and you get turned on,
Starting point is 00:04:24 you're ready to go. You have an erection, you are warmed up, you get turd on. You're ready to go. You have an erection, you are warmed up, you're all primed and you're like, I do not want to stop at the trainers in motion and you have that animalistic urge and you're ready to go. Now, if you happen to be with someone with a vulva, they don't get aroused in the same way. It doesn't mean they can't get aroused, and they won't get aroused, but it's not spontaneous. It's more responsive. It responds to things happening beforehand, hence foreplay.
Starting point is 00:04:55 Not because anything's wrong with your penis. There's just a lot to understand the psychology and the arousal and desire process that differs between genders. And some of the benefits of foreplay is that to think of it this way, it's actually getting us around, getting us more turn on more of the mood. So physiologically speaking, foreplay causes an increase in blood flow to your genitals. So this helps lubricate your vagina. You're getting around, that's where the wetness can come in. And it also allows you to feel more intimate with your partner.
Starting point is 00:05:26 You have that emotional intimacy. And for many of us, we need all of those things to be in place. We need to talk about our day with you. We want to be touched in a way that will turn us on. We want to lower our stress. If there's a lot of stuff happening in the home that's making us anxious or worried our stress, remember stress is the biggest killer of our sex drive and it doesn't do very well for our desire and our arousal.
Starting point is 00:05:52 So that's why kissing is great because when we kiss, that triggers a release of oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin. It lowers the cortisol, which is responsible for stress and increases our feelings of affection and bonding and euphoria. And it increases our ability to get aroused. We require, especially a lot of vulva owners, require for play to be in the mood for any kind of sex. And so for some of us, it's like, we're just happy that our partner emptied the trash cans that they asked about our day, that we felt intimately connected. We talked about our work day
Starting point is 00:06:30 and we had really exciting ideas exchanged and that got me in the mood. Like a lot of you calling in your sapiosexuals turned on by the brain, the mind. I'm the same wave. I have a hot conversation with someone that's smart and intense and we're totally vibing on similar topics. I'm like, I am so ready to go right now.
Starting point is 00:06:49 And so the more we can kind of think about for play is these activities that will bring you towards a shared state of arousal, the better. Because what I've also heard from Men is, oh, I'm going to lose, but like I said, I've said this, that men are going to lose their erection. Because then they think, well, I'm turned on, but now I've got to do all the work. I've got to go down to lose them. Like I said, I've said this, that men are going to lose their erection because then they think, well, I'm turned on, but now I got to do all the work. I got to go down to my partner. I got to make sure she's ready. I got to slow this down.
Starting point is 00:07:11 I got to cuddle. And then I got to have sex to do all the work again. But what I'm saying is if you plant all of these seeds throughout the day, throughout the evening, when you're together, there's way less work in the traditional four-place sense because you're all ready to go. You're all amped up because you've been connecting. That's the key to this. This is what I want you to understand.
Starting point is 00:07:30 All right, let's get into your emails. This is from Erica32 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show and thanks for being the greatest expert on this. My question is, how can I get my boyfriend to want sex more or have more rounds? He's a great boyfriend and we've been together for two years, but I feel like I'm more or have more rounds. He's a great boy, fam. And we've been together for two years, but I feel like I'm more sexual than he is. I also feel like he is logical with everything including sex.
Starting point is 00:07:51 And I am more like, I want the hard, aggressive, passion sex. Most of the time we have sex, it's like straight to the point. No warming up, eating me out, doing anything to me. I feel like I'm the girl in Netflix movie sex life. If you haven't watched it, please do.
Starting point is 00:08:07 The show is an example of how your voice would be super beneficial. I totally get it. I saw it. It's great. He is sensitive and I am not sure how to bring this up. Thank you for your email, Erica. Here's a deal.
Starting point is 00:08:18 If I could tell you, you wouldn't believe if I told you how many people are not talking to their partners about sex because we're so afraid that our partners are going to be upset. We're going to hurt their ego and they're so sensitive. Blah, blah, blah. But listen, it's part of their jobs is to be attentive lover. And I don't know where this notion came from that we have to protect our partners from something that is so important in the relationship.
Starting point is 00:08:47 And the fact that we don't talk about it is the reason why so many of us are silently suffering through really bad mediocre sex. So I'm just gonna emphasize that at every show until we all get this. So bring it up in a gentle way. Let him know that great sex takes work. For play can start outside the bedroom.
Starting point is 00:09:07 He needs to understand what great sex looks like to you. Many partners don't even know what's on the table sexually. Maybe that's the way he's always had sex. He always went right to penetration. He just doesn't know. And probably every other woman before you also didn't want to bruise his ego and didn't know how to say it.
Starting point is 00:09:24 So we just remained mute. We remained mute, and we walk around, suffering, and biting our tongues and not saying anything because of these sensitive partners. But I think he just doesn't know. I'm gonna give him the benefit of doubt and say he doesn't even know. So you get to say, hey, I want to tell you some things
Starting point is 00:09:43 I've been learning and some things I know about myself for play can start outside the bedroom. You guys can be doing activities together. You can be doing things that can enhance intimacy. Having a fun night and doing exciting things together can also be a form of for play. This would be the time to have these conversations with him and let him know what you've learned about your needs. And going back to sex life, yeah, I mean, that was about a partner who who had fantasies kept by remistening about her ex who was great in bed. And then her current husband who was very logical and by the book, it just did not want to, wasn't able to go there
Starting point is 00:10:24 with her sexually. And some of this is personality types. There are some people who will never be on board to get our needs met. And then there's some that just, I just like to say that need more information. They need to understand that, oh, by me making you feel good in this way,
Starting point is 00:10:40 it's really going to enhance our relationship in so many other ways, because you're gonna be more turned on and you're going to feel more connected to me. There's going to be fewer resentments. So sometimes we have to give in the background and the psychology. It's not just you asking for something and they're not giving it that it's really about, you know, being a fulfilled partner. And I think you need to know that.
Starting point is 00:11:01 This is from Rico, 26 in London. Hey Dr. Emily, your podcast has changed me in my partner's life. Thank you. We are 26 and I've been dating for six years. I'm lucky to have her as my soulmate. Sex is great. However, I sometimes get weird feelings when I see my high school crush picks on my Instagram feed and even fantasize having three sims with them. How do I deal with these kind of real life fantasies and the haunting of how sex would be with your high school crush? All right, Rico, I would just like to normalize
Starting point is 00:11:35 extracurricular fantasies about high school crushes because this is something that is so common. It's okay, Rico. I mean, high school was a time when you were free. You're younger. It was another part of yourself. It was the first crush you ever had. Maybe where the women in high school, you were a man, and it's a new experience. And then they were on, you know, maybe you weren't with them. They were crushes. They're unattainable, but that's also a really hot element in a fantasy is to fantasize about things that we can't have. really hot element in a fantasy is to fantasize about things that we can't have. And so, it's all okay.
Starting point is 00:12:08 I want you to understand that there's no thought police. No one's going to come knocking on the door saying like, hey Rico, I heard that you're fantasizing about, you know, these women from high school. It doesn't sound like it's something you're going to act on right now. You're, you know, and I wouldn't recommend it unless you've had a lot of conversations with your partner about fantasies and about what you guys are into. So you just remember there's two kind of fantasies. There's the fantasies that we get to keep to ourselves, and then we don't need to share
Starting point is 00:12:33 or want to share. And then there's the ones that we would like to share with the partner. And I think we pretty much know which ones those are, but you can just take a check. Why am I bringing this up to my partner? Is my partner someone that would be down with this fantasy? Is it something that we've already discussed and laid the groundwork for even having fantasies or acting things out together? So I don't think you're there yet with her. You haven't told me that part of it, but I would keep working on the relationship with your partner. And I'm telling you the less you beat yourself up
Starting point is 00:13:04 and the less guilt you feel about this and the more you just let, and I'm telling you, the less you beat yourself up and the less guilt you feel about this, and the more you just let yourself have your sexual fantasies, the better for your you will feel, to explore your sexual self and to maybe other fantasies that will come in, and maybe you'll find a point with your partner where you guys can start talking about, you know, kind of things you guys want to do together
Starting point is 00:13:21 sexually, because that's hot too, all Alright? Thanks for your email Rico. Okay, this is from Lawrence, 27 in Texas. Hey Dr. Emily, first I want to say I really enjoyed listening to your podcast. I've learned a lot about sex and what I enjoy. So thank you. I recently got married and I love my wife but our sex is horrible and I'm sure she'd agree. I've gotten to the point where I don't really want to have sex with her. It's not that I don't love her, but there's not really any effort during sex on her end. And she doesn't give me oral sex anymore.
Starting point is 00:13:52 It's been two years, what to do. All right, well, Lawrence, I love that you've learned what you like in the last two years, you've figured out what you like. And it sounds like she might not know what she likes. What good sex is or feels like. So now it is her turn. Have you talked to her about it? You know, especially you think she would agree that your sex is mediocre right now, you think she'd want to figure out what would make it less so. You're married and your sex life is horrible. So a conversation with her saying,
Starting point is 00:14:25 I figured out some things that are great for me. Let's take some time to figure out what is good for you. Has she masturbated? Has she, does she understand her body? Does she knows what feels good to her? You know, just say to her, I don't want to go the rest of our lives or the rest of our marriage like this.
Starting point is 00:14:41 It's been two years we can turn it around. I mean, two years is still the beginning of a relationship, essentially, of a marriage. So you get to say, you know what, let's wipe the slate clean. It's not great now, but let's bits work together on creating the building blocks to better sex. And that's gonna be slowing down and talking
Starting point is 00:14:59 and figuring out her body. Because I have also found that a lot of bad sex is because we've never had great sex. You know, does she know what pleasure in her body because I have also found that a lot of bad sex is because we've never had great sex. Does she know what pleasure in her body feels like? Has she masturbated? These are all the kind of questions you want to have, especially since you've been figuring out your own body, and now it's her turn. Let me just talk.
Starting point is 00:15:18 If you haven't really thought about the importance of foreplay, I want to share something with you that I think really illustrates this. We had Dr. John and Julie Gottman on the show, to great episode, the Gottman's on compatibility, conflict and conversation. If you haven't heard it, they are the brains behind so much important sex research for the last 40 years. But what they did was they mentioned a great study about key different days between couples with a great sex life and those with a bad sex life.
Starting point is 00:15:47 So the studies looked at 70,000 couples in over 24 countries and people who believe they had great sex shared some things in common and here's what was in common. They kissed each other passionately for no reason. Remember I talked about all those feel good hormones to get released? They say I love you every single day and they mean it. They give surprise romantic gifts. They know what turns their partners on and off erotically. They're physically affectionate, even in public.
Starting point is 00:16:19 And they keep playing and having fun together. They cuddle. They make sex a priority, not an item on a long-to-do list. And I want to go back to playing and having fun together. Some of this four-play all day could be you and your partner would often share some experience together. You went to the farmer's market. Maybe that excites you, picking out fresh fruits.
Starting point is 00:16:39 Maybe you went to the gym together. I mean, couples that do things together tend to be more connected and tend to have more an easier time connecting, at least sexually. So those are all the couples that they say, I love you every day. They stay good friends. They talk comfortably about their sex life. They weekly dates. I can't drive this to home enough how important it is for couples to have a non-negotiable
Starting point is 00:17:00 weekly sex date. They take romantic vacations. So what do you think that couples with a bad sex life? And they all shared similarities in their answers. Ready? Spend very little time together. They become job-centered.
Starting point is 00:17:18 They talk mostly about their huge to-do lists. They make everything else, everything else a priority other than their relationship. They drift apart, they lead parallel lives, and they do not communicate in a healthy way. So what I'm saying about this study is intentional time with your partner makes a difference between good, sex, and bad sex, and a good relationship, and a bad relationship. And those moments of kissing and touching and slowing down, new experiences, new sensations,
Starting point is 00:17:57 you don't need to be sexual or physical. They can be verbal connections. It could be spontaneous gifts. Reinforcing the comm the commitment to your relationship could be a really important part of the difference between good sex and bad sex. Alright, we talked about the importance of foreplay and how to prioritize it, but what are we actually supposed to do in the moment? What are you like?
Starting point is 00:18:16 Okay, I'm on board. I want to more foreplay. What do we do? So here's some practical tips for engaging in some amazing foreplay. First, set the mood. A great way to start is your five senses. You know, I love talking about the five senses because I think that they're really helpful
Starting point is 00:18:31 for helping us ground in the moment. So think about this site. Where do you want the light? Do you want to have your lights at a dimmer? Do you want some candles lit? I think it's great to have two different light sources, you know? Like, just not those super bulbs, those super white bulbs, but you can have some dimming lights and some candles.
Starting point is 00:18:49 Sound, put in some music at a nice volume, at a comfortable volume that makes you feel relaxed or in the mood, only you know what that music is. Then the set, setting the mood, we have to do with like lighting candles burning palosato oils You could have oil like I have a diffuser at my house that I always light with like lavender or jasmine rose Whatever makes you feel good when you have all of these senses ignited and then there's touch The thing about touch is also in this scenario is like sheets Getting some really good sheets so you know when you're with somebody like these sheets feel good, having really fluffy soft pillows on your couch,
Starting point is 00:19:29 wherever you're gonna be engaging in all this for a play, even just around yourself with good quality materials and sheets are so important for this. Also thinking about what you're wearing can help. You know, I know what I'm just walking around in my sweats. I'm like, oh God, I'm ready to put pants on. Like I feel better just for myself. Like all genders, what makes you feel sexy? What outfits do you feel good in? Whether it's lingerie or cosplay or costumes or roleplay, roleplays
Starting point is 00:19:55 are really fun thing to do with your partner, you know, pull out those Halloween costumes. I'm just saying for Halloween, you're go shopping together by some wigs. Like get excited about a new roleplay activity that you can do together. So taste you guys, yes, our bodies are delicious, but you can also play around with tasty foods in your home, things that make you catch you in the mood. I don't know, I love having like strawberries and chocolate and as a cliche, it might sound it's because does some food is sexy to eat. Oh, of course, I love flavored lube.
Starting point is 00:20:27 You've got the mood set. Don't you already feel more in the mood? Well maybe you're thinking, what do I do next? Well, when my top tips is to slow down, go five times slower. Pay attention to your partner. And let's emphasize, again, outer course. Try a massage candle. And outer course is really all about touch.
Starting point is 00:20:49 And you're part of filling your hands on their body without going right for the genitals. Sometimes our genitals are not warmed up again. So this is where you get to explore the primary, the secondary, your rogina zones, which there's many, there's many rogina zones on our body and we usually just think of a few of them. Could be your neck, your feet, your inner elbow.
Starting point is 00:21:11 Get curious about all those parts. I love a good session of sensory play. And this is where you could have a bowl of ice cubes, snacks to the bed. You could use some of system Joe's. They have a cooling loop, they have heating loops, heating pads, warm compresses, massage candles, play with different temperatures. There's different sensations like feathers and scarves.
Starting point is 00:21:32 There's different sensations that feel great when you're playing with your partner. You can also do a little strip tease for your partner, really, they're for yourself. Do you have a strip tease and look at yourself in the mirror? It's kind of hot. This is where also dirty talking and sexting. I mean, foreplay can be sending your partner a sexy text
Starting point is 00:21:49 and telling him what you look forward to doing later. All of this counts. Well, sexting is great because it's a way to create anticipation for what comes next or what you're into. You could also let your partner know it's something you want to try because sometimes those conversations can be really awkward to have them one on one with your partner. So if you're like sexy text, thinking about tasting you later, you know, can't stop thinking
Starting point is 00:22:12 about last night. And then you know what it is when you get one of those texts or your heart races, you get excited. Well, that's what we're talking about. Get keeping your own pilot light lit, keeping that energy flowing. And if you want help with dirty talk and sexting, we have a great article on our site and ask Emily, how do I get better at dirty talk?
Starting point is 00:22:32 We also have a podcast talk dirty to me with Joanna Angel. Row playing is a really fun way to spice it up. I mean, really, just wearing a wig or playing sexy strangers and going to a bar with different names. All that stuff is just like one thing different that you could do to play together and continue to connect outside the bedroom. After this word from our sponsors, I answer question from Jenny who's never had an orgasm.
Starting point is 00:22:56 Oh, don't worry, Jenny, we've got this. Be right back. We have Jenny 37 from New York City. Hello. Hi. Hi, Jenny. Hi. How are you? Thanks for calling in.
Starting point is 00:23:17 Are you kidding? Thank you. So welcome. How can I help you? I don't think I've ever had an orgasm. Okay. Like it's the same thing kind of always happens like with a partner or with myself. It's like I get there. I get to the point where I'm like, here it is. This is it. It's happening. And then there's no final button. There's no
Starting point is 00:23:40 involuntary release. That's what it's supposed to be. Right. So I'm not exposed. Yeah. I to be. You write some kind of explosion. I don't have. Okay. Tell me about your masturbation routine. In frequent and inconsistent. Well, masturbation is a practice. And the way you're going to have your first orgasm,
Starting point is 00:23:56 and you're going to know you have an orgasm, is if you spend time developing that relationship with yourself. That's really how we become the greatest lovers to everybody, to our partners and to ourselves, is to just say, you know, I had my best friend in college. She decided that she was going to as our junior year and she had an internship and she said, I'm going to go away for a month and I'm going to spend every day for 30 days master, but she never had orgasm. And I'm going to try every day to masturbate. And it didn't happen the first week, didn't have the second week, but by the third week
Starting point is 00:24:32 she finally had an orgasm. She finally figured out her body. It took her every night for three weeks, four weeks. It's a practice. I have never heard of masturbation or orgasm until I was 25. And then I was pissed that no one told me, right? Think. But like, it's won't happen without you committing to it.
Starting point is 00:24:53 And then you will know. So what's the... What? How do you know when it's an actual physical and atomical problem and when it's like an emotional mental block? They're all related. And that's the thing about orgasms. You're like, what's a quick fix?
Starting point is 00:25:07 Like, I could tell you get a toy, but if you're on certain medications, if you have a lot of stress and you hold your body really tight, if you had grew up in an environment where there was a lot of shame around sex, you were told it wasn't okay to be sexual, that if you masturbate, you'll go to hell. Someone shamed you in high school once.
Starting point is 00:25:25 It's all of these things that factor into it. So is there a world in which there's an actual physical problem and it's an anatomical problem that's not overcomable? Is that an actual thing? Because I've listened to the podcast that said it was like 10% of women. No, I'm telling you I've never met somebody. I think that most women are pre orgasmic, but they're not unable to orgasm. And when I say in anatomy, maybe that was confusing,
Starting point is 00:25:51 I should explain it. There has been studies that show that we're how close your clitoris is to your vaginal opening. If it's less than like a thumb, less than an inch closer to your vaginal opening, you're more likely to have an orgasm during penetration. That's all. It's a literally imperceptible. So don't even, I mean, I really have never had anyone call and say, I've tried everything you said Emily, I didn't have an orgasm.
Starting point is 00:26:14 So I don't know where that 10% lives. I've never heard from them. Maybe they stopped listening to the show and they just get, I don't know. But if you told me that, yeah, I've been trying everything. I bought toys and I used them regularly. And I used lube and I breathed and I spent some time alone myself and I touched my body and I thought about sexy things or I just breathed and did some mindful masturbation and I did it for an hour or 30 minutes, several times
Starting point is 00:26:39 for a month and it didn't work. Then we could talk, but I'm not hearing that from you. Okay, that's fair. I don't think I've done all that level of work. But how do you get over that hump? How do you get to, because for me, it's like, I get to that point like this is it. It's happening.
Starting point is 00:26:56 This has got to be it. And then there's no explosion. It more kind of dissipates. Tell me about this hump. Is it winter with a partner or by yourself, masterbite? Both. Well, okay. So, for example, the other day I was having sex with my boyfriend,
Starting point is 00:27:10 or I love having sex with. And, you know, my guy said, oh, my God, don't stop. Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. And then instead of an involuntary release, it was more like a, this can't go anywhere else. I needed to stop. And so it's sort of, was that something from your brain or your body? Did your body start to say this is all I could go, did you have pain?
Starting point is 00:27:40 I would call it pain. No, it's not pain. Okay. But it does get a little, it's not pain. Okay. But it does get a little discomfort. It's more like, unless this releases, it's uncomfortable. Okay. And the release happened.
Starting point is 00:27:54 So I'm like, now let's turn this off. Now the majority of vulva owners, if they're going to have an orgasm, it starts with the clitoris. It's external. And the reason most, and do you know this, the majority of, of vulva owners, vagina owners, they do not have an orgasm with anything inside of them. It's all from the clitoris, which is external clitorial stimulation. How, how much time are you spending on the outside? I would say not, not much.
Starting point is 00:28:22 Okay, like a, like a minute, like a minute because it starts to get uncomfortable on the outside. What do you mean by that is it gets just two intense it just gets two and it just becomes too much. I like it anymore. I want to get my hold on. I'm going to get my vulva puppet. Hold on. I need to get some pops one second. Okay, so this is your your vulva right which is the external part. Okay, so this is your vagina right that's where like penis goes inside and so this is your your Volvo, right, which is the external part, okay? So this is your vagina, right? That's where like penis goes inside. And then this is your your clitoris. This is the inter, so this goes behind, okay?
Starting point is 00:28:55 This is your literal, your literal nerves. It's at 8,000 nerve endings. And everybody assumes it's just this little bulb here. But there's actually the clitoris has legs. So the legs are deep inside. And so the thing is, is that the majority of us, this whole area, just an externally rubbing this, is what could turn you out. So if you're taking the vibrator, whatever it is, you're going, and then you're like,
Starting point is 00:29:20 there's no loop and there's no arm. And then you stick it inside, that's not going to feel good for most people. But have you spent time just teasing it? Like for me if I would need to tap with fingers and spend could take 20 minutes, the majority of there's something called the orgasm gap. Do you know that majority of men can orgasm in four minutes to six four to six minutes and for the majority of vulva owners, it's 18 to 40 minutes. Makes sense. Such checks out. I'm going to say, have you ever had any like accidents or something happen when you were riding a bike? Did you have any tears, you have any surgeries? No, no, but I, you know, I was raised, you know, within a time, Catholic mother and I was definitely raised on why by the cow when you
Starting point is 00:30:05 can get the milk for free and, you know, if you have sex before marriage, you know, I'm going to find a husband, ironically, on my slutty friends from high school, our married with kids and I'm still single. You know, I had sex late in life. I made 20s when I had sex for the first time. So there is, there is some of that. I definitely did not start masturbating until my 20s. Okay. So I'm definitely playing a little bit of catch up, but at this point, I'm kind of like, why is this just like not happening? And I'm also not the guy who I really like having sex with
Starting point is 00:30:33 who I trust. And it just seems like it should just be happening naturally and it's not. So. It doesn't happen naturally. It doesn't happen to me now. I feel like think I have to have things work. I need the lube, I need the...
Starting point is 00:30:46 Really? I need to be someone I trust and they like and everything's cleaned up in my house and the sheets are like, I feel like you are so focused on how it should be. Right. Honestly, I don't know orgasm.
Starting point is 00:30:57 I won't know orgasm every time. If I grab my vibrator, I know that I will, but this takes practice. So I think that, baby, for what I'm hearing is it's kind of a combination of growing up in a home where it wasn't okay. Because listen, we don't just turn 18 and leave our parents house and we leave all that behind.
Starting point is 00:31:12 You hear that messaging, you grew up and it doesn't just pfff go away. So I think that once you start to say does this message still serve me? Do I still believe that? And if it still comes up, like if you could just start in chunks and just say, I'm going to keep taking myself back to my breath and what I'm feeling in the moment. If your thoughts arise, you could say, I'm going to give it 30 minutes a day. I mean, I think you're worth that 30 minutes a day without your phone and without you could try some mindful masturbation. Just really a practice of focusing on your
Starting point is 00:31:44 senses and what you're feeling in the moment when your mind's wandering, is this it? You get curious, you take a mirror, you look between your legs and you're like, like if you do this, you'll see, look at your eyes just opened up, you would never, your eyes, Jenny, you have done this yet. Yeah, I saw your reaction. Take a look, make, get to know her and you'll notice that when you take some lube and you go, so she starts to swell, starts to open. It's like beautiful.
Starting point is 00:32:08 That's like the Georgia O'Keefe, the orchid opens. That is our body, our flower. Like if you haven't done that yet, then there's still some shame around it. Yeah. I'm asking you to commit to me that you'll try this. I know saying every day is hard, but what if it's three days a week?
Starting point is 00:32:25 And you're just gonna do, all you're gonna do is you're gonna take a look, some lube, you're gonna breathe, and you're gonna just go slow, practice with different fingers, with different motions, or on your clitoris, the vibrator, breathe. You could think about things that have happened
Starting point is 00:32:39 that have turned you on in the past. Read a radical, watch Bolesa, female friendly porn, check out some for free. Porn that speaks to you might make you feel like you're not in your head worrying is just the orgasm, you'll get caught up in the fantasy and the romance of it. Have you ever tried that? I have not. Okay, I would check out Bolesa and then we do a mindful masturbation side on our site, six tips from mastering the game- we do a mindful masturbation side on our site six tips from mastering the game changing technique of mindful masturbation
Starting point is 00:33:07 So I think just kind of reframing this I do not believe that you are going to be unable to have an orgasm I will not buy that I know what life is that gonna be I would never have had one if I didn't get this job to figure out like make it my life's work So I can help people like you. There's a lot of people in the same boat as you. All right, and we're gonna do the journey. Three times a week. 30 minutes. That's my homework. Okay.
Starting point is 00:33:31 30 minutes, three times a week. And I want you to report back to me. I'm invested. We're all invested. You got this, Jenny. There is nothing wrong with you. Okay. Call back. Thank you. We're gonna follow up. Thank you very much for calling. Thanks Emily. You got this. Have a good night. Bye. I wish I could sit in a room with all of y'all and just say like, okay, let's get out of our mirrors. Let's take a look. Here's what's actually happening. You look at this. Jenny's face was like, oh, her eyes bugged out that I have to
Starting point is 00:33:58 look at my Lovah. Why would we, our bodies give our pleasure if we have shame around our bodies? I mean, this is so, so common, but you haven't done everything. If you haven't spent time alone understanding your body, how would we be able to truly let go and have an orgasm? An orgasm is all about release, and it's all about trust in someone else, and it's all about like accepting what's going to happen. And if we're still holding on to belief so that it's not possible in our heads, it's not gonna happen. So everybody, take out a mirror, get some lube,
Starting point is 00:34:32 and commit, I think that you all deserve a little bit of self love at least three days a week. Let me now go, is okay. This is from Julia, 32 in California. Hey Dr. Emily, I have to have a procedure to remove abnormal cells for my cervix to help prevent cervical cancer. My doctor told me I won't be able to have sex or put anything in my vagina for four to six weeks. Sex is a huge part of my relationship with my boyfriend and how we connect
Starting point is 00:34:56 with each other. He's super supportive of me getting this procedure but I want to make sure we stay connected sexually. I love to give him a head and please him but I do want my pleasure to stay connected sexually. I love to give them a head and please him, but I do all my pleasure to be put on the back burner because penetration isn't an option. Any ideas how we can do this? Yes, well, I'm wishing you a speedy recovery here and I have to say that this is exactly what we're talking about here
Starting point is 00:35:20 is sex doesn't necessarily have to be defined by penetration. So what a great time to explore massage with him to explore each other is different in a rod in his zone, nipples, neck, playing, kissing, making out, doing all the things that maybe you don't normally do because it is all about penetration. You could spend one night that's on your pleasure and then one night that's on his pleasure. So he can really kind of find parts of your body that feel good. He can also, you can do that to him one night,
Starting point is 00:35:53 get some toys to play with. Maybe get some fun toys that can stimulate you, stimulate him. You could, there's a lot of external pleasure to be had. I'm just saying. So if there's stuff you've been wanting to try and explore together, you could download our Yes or Maybe list.
Starting point is 00:36:08 That could be a great place to start and find things on there that do not involve penetration. A lot of them don't. It's like 80 different sex acts. And so you can start from there. And I think what a great time in these four to six weeks where you can really start to deepen your knowledge of what each other's into sexually, when sex isn't on the table right now and really grow at these times. I think the times where our bodies have to kind of slow down because of a medical condition
Starting point is 00:36:33 or operations is also a time where we can really choose to spend that time working on other parts of ourself. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.
Starting point is 00:36:53 You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline
Starting point is 00:37:13 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at

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