Sex With Emily - Best of: Network & Chill w/ Jordan Harbinger

Episode Date: April 2, 2022

When it comes to relationships across the board – from sex, to work, to friendships – do you actually know what impression you’re having on others? Especially when you first meet someone? In this best of show, I’m throwing it back to my conversation with fellow podcaster Jordan Harbinger, who gets real on social behaviors and the power of body language. Jordan and I talk about the difference between authenticity and hustling, confidence while dating, and the shocking power of nonverbal communication. He coaches us on developing open, positive body postures, and helps all of us walk into a room with charisma and curiosity. For More Jordan HarbingerWebsite | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Youtube Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What are the main things I always say is make a list of maybe like five things you've always wanted to learn. And I don't care what it is. Like, I want to learn how to dance salsa and cook Italian food and go skydiving and then maybe I'll take like golf lessons, write those things down, find classes in your area or clubs in your area that do that and do those. And it's not just like, join a club. Like that's lame advice.

But if you take classes, the worst thing that happens at the end of the class, even if you don't meet any people of the same sex or the opposite sex, is you just learn to skill. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Amley, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. When it comes to relationships across the board, from sex to work to friendships, do you

actually know what impression you're having on others, especially when you first meet someone? In this best of show, I'm throwing it back to my conversation with my friend and fellow podcaster, Jordan Harbinger, who gets real on social behaviors and the power of body language. Jordan and I talk about the difference between authenticity and hustling, confidence well-dating, and the shocking power of non-verbal communication. He coaches us on developing open, positive body postures, and helps us all walk into a room with charisma and curiosity.

Intentions with Emily, for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. I do it, I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of the episode? Well, my intention is to have you gain new perspective on social networks, influence, and authenticity with my funny and insightful friend, Jordan. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article Ask Emily,

how do I tell my partner I've been faking orgasms is up at sexwithemley.com. Also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you wanna ask me a question, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemley.com slash Ask Emily, or just call my hotline 559 Talk sex or 559 825 5739.

Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and you can change your name, no problem or choose to remain anonymous. All right, everyone enjoy this episode. Jordan Harbinger is an attorney turn podcaster who showed that Jordan Harbinger show was listed by Apple as one of the most downloaded new shows of 2018. As a student of social dynamics, he unpacks guests wisdom into practical nuggets. You can use to impact your work, your life, and your relationships. He is a reoccurring guest on the Adam Corolla show,

a regular contributor newsweek, and the former host of the top-rated lifestyle and self-improvement show, The Art of Charmed Podcast. Find more Jordan at jordanharbanger.com or on Twitter and Instagram at Jordanharbanger. And check out his podcast, The Jordan Harbinger Show. Before we get started, I just wanna remind you all that this podcast episode is a best up

and was originally recorded in 2019. So some aspects of the show may be a bit dated, including references to gender. I started using penis and vulva owners around 2020. So congratulations on the success of your podcast. Thank you. Your latest podcast a year. Yeah, not even a year. Not even a year. And I'm looking this year. You were on a year ago. You guys can check out that past podcast, but you put on a few times. But you launched this new show. And then I'm looking the other day.

It's like top 100 podcasts of the year and all these amazing guests You've had on except for me. Yeah, not yet TBD on that TV a coming soon So but I really was a lot of dudes in your show. There are a lot of dudes so that's cool And essentially you talk to a lot of successful people success. I however you define it Yeah, I mean, I mean some of the people are less traditionally successful. I mean, there was one guy who I interviewed recently who was imprisoned falsely in Pakistan for three years,

and he was a stuntman from Hollywood. And so they're like, in Pakistan, when you go to prison, they beat you up to try to get a confession out of you. This is like court order. It's not just like corrupt whatever. It's just a court order. And since he's a stuntman, he could hold his breath for three minutes.

And he can like, he knows martial arts. So these cops are trying to dunk him in water. And he's like, whatever, I can hold my breath for three minutes. So they're trying to waterboard him for like a minute at a time. And he's like, this is easy. And they're like smacking him around.

They're trying to have other prisoners beat him up. And he's like, you know, drop kicking people. And so he's in prison for three years. And he ends up making friends with these hijackers who teach him how to play Texas Hold'n Poker. Now he's a professional poker player. So that, I wouldn't say he's like a model of capitalist success. Right, but you actually interview people that you admire whatever, however they've succeeded in the world

and kind of learn from that, what they do, what they've learned, what they've done. So how do you find your guests? Yeah. How do you find success? You know, the show fans, they come up and they go, you've got to talk to this guy. It's so interesting.

And, or I'll find somebody and I'll read a book and I'll be like, this is a really good show in the making. And I'll reach out to some neuroscientists and they're like, yeah, I never really do media. And I'm like, look, I want to hear about how the brain tricks our eyes into thinking we see stuff that's not there. And they'll do it.

And they're not used to it, because most scientists and stuff like that are used to doing a 10 minute piece on some AM radio station and then done. And I'm like, I want an hour. Last time you were on the show, and you've been on a few times, we talked about establishing relationships,

like through networking. That's kind of what you talk about is business skills. You'll interview people in different areas of success, but also how do you maintain relationships? Whether they're romantic or otherwise, how do you keep friendships? You talk about that a lot around here too because when you get really busy with work, it can be hard. It's for me even moving to a new city six years ago, four or one of years in San Francisco, how do you do that? How do you maintain them and why is that important?

Yeah, so these are questions that I struggled with for such a long time. Because when I was younger, I thought like, oh, networking is something that you do when you're older. You work your way up to the top of the corporate ladder. I used to be a Wall Street attorney. So it was like, then you get made partner at this law firm and then like, I don't know, you join a country club dot, dot, dot network. Totally not how this works, right? You actually the most successful people that I've talked to that I meet,

they do this networking stuff beforehand. Here's something else, like everyone thinks they're really good natural networkers and they're not. They're like better than the people that they know that are not good at it. So they're like, oh, I do a lot of this stuff naturally, but some of the stuff that I teach when I teach networking and relationship development skills

will teach it to like high-level entrepreneurs, military, special forces, intelligence agents, and stuff like that. Like people whose lives are on the line for networking and they're like, wow, this is really good. They're furiously taking notes. And then I'll go to like a college and teach it and the kids are all like, I naturally do most of this.

So I'm like, yeah, right. I'm sure it's like some of the stuff that you're talking about. You're like, oh no, I'm really good at that. And you're like, yeah, you're so nice. Yeah, right. And I remember this from last time because you did say something about, and this is gonna be a little bit different,

but following up, like going on your, your text, I mean, like I have it, I talked to this person in a month, like a few months, six months. So when I heard from you like six months ago, or three months, I was like, he's probably at the bottom of his text. I'm at the bottom, yeah.

So they, But I know you love me anyway, probably just came up, you've been thinking about me. So the system, It is a good system. So that's one of my favorite techniques, the one you just mentioned. So what it is is like you go into your phone,

click on the text message thing, scroll all the way to the bottom. Those are the people that you had lunch with like three years ago, never talked to again. And you're like, oh yeah, I did a crap job following up. You re-engage like four or five of those people per day. And you just say something like, hey, what's the latest with you?

It's Emily. I haven't spoken to you in a long time. We met at San Diego at Cafe Cur attitude and I did a crap job keeping in touch. I wanna fix that, what's going on with you? I'd love to be of service somehow. And I'll just send a bunch of those every day in like 70% of the people will respond.

And the other ones won't and like whatever who cares, it's on them. And some people get busy, it's like not a big deal. But then you re-engage these people, and then sometimes people are like, oh my god, it's so funny. I was just talking about you as someone the other week, and I couldn't remember where we met.

I'm doing a speaking event for this company I sell laptop screens, and we need someone to come in to you to speak. And you'll find these random opportunities. So when I re-engage people that I'm actually friends with though, like you that I've kept in touch with, usually something reminds me of that person. And so instead of going like, oh yeah,

I remember I went to that sushi place with Emily Morse once and then not do anything. I'm like, oh, I try to develop the habit of whipping up my phone right away and being like, in the moment, because Jen does all the driving. So I'm like in the passenger seat. And I'll be like, oh, and I'll check what time zone I'm tripping out my phone right away and being like, in the moment, because Jen does all the driving, so I'm like in the passenger seat, and I'll be like, oh, and I'll check what time zone I'm in,

because if it's like Hawaii, and it's like four o'clock in the morning where you are, I'm not gonna do it. But I'll be like, hey, what's going on? And I don't say like, I just passed the Suci restaurant and you're office and didn't call you. I'll just be like, hey, what are you up to? I'd spend a minute,

and I don't worry about the amount of time that's gone by. And I think these little habits are really the difference between somebody who can keep a thousand relationships going or 200 or whatever. I feel like I did a lot of networking early on. I always had all the business cards and the file. I mean, now thank God, business cards are gone because those were kind of stressful.

Oh, super. Right, you have a stack of email everyone. Five hundred thousand, I went to therapy about it. She was like, just burn them. I was moving to LA. I'm like, I've so many friggin Because they were stressing me out. How do you fall through? How do you do all the things? Yeah, I mean you could scan them and a See our end would email them automatically I did not burn them so it is an important skill and even if you're dating you're meeting new friends if you're like just Keeping up with people. This is what stops me from it. I'm like, okay, so I'll text those four people. Because I think about this, but I'm like,

I always feel like the end thing's gonna be like, let's grab lunch, let's grab dinner. People are afraid of that. Yeah. We want to make plans with everybody. Amen. We want to go home. No, I hear you.

I can't do it with everybody. We have dinner plans tonight though. No, you're someone I want to have dinner with. Okay, are you sure? No, I'm dreading. I asked you. That's true. My time is so valuable that I feel like I used to say yeah

Let's get drinks even if you do say so yourself, right? I Hear I hear you though. No, you're right. Here's the fear. This is an unfound is look. I get it It's an unfounded fear though. You should actually feel good that I'm choosing to have to do because your time is so valuable But like I couldn't do a great show if I was out every single night. You can't, no, it's true. Here's the thing, people go, I don't wanna have coffee with all these people.

Let me just reassure you, most people don't wanna do that either. Here's how the texting re-engaged drill that we just talked about. I'll send those texts, 70% of the people respond, 30% don't of those 70. I'll be like, hey, what are you up to? And they're like, yeah, I moved to Albuquerque with my wife and I got two dogs and I'm training dogs now. I'm like, wow, that's so random.

Do you ever get up to San Jose LA? Like, do you travel? No, I had kids and I just sit at home with the kids and dogs. I'm like, that's really cool. Well, let me know if I can help with anything. They're like, yeah, same to you, man. Are you still doing your podcast?

Yeah, I'll have to check it out sometime. The end. Most people are not like, let's get coffee. And they are. But well, that's because your time is so valuable in an event. But if they say that you'll be like, hey, I'm always traveling around and doing, I'm always slam, but I just wanted to read,

like, touch base. You don't have to be like, um, no, I'd rather not get coffee. And you also don't have to be like, crap, now I have to say yes. See, this is what I'm saying, so, but that's a good tactic. Sometimes I just don't do it, cause, yeah, cause you're afraid that they're gonna be like, let's meet up. When people say, let's meet up, I'm saying, so that's a good tactic. You guys don't do it, cause, oh no. Because you're afraid that they're gonna be like,

let's meet up. When people say, let's meet up, I'm often like, if I'm ever in your area and we're doing something, I will give you a buzz. And what I mean by that is, if I go to Austin, Texas, all these people, I will invite like 14 people to dinner and none of them will wanna go and the four people that show up, I'm like, great, and I'll catch up with them.

Then those people who are like, hey, let's get coffee, I'm like, hey, I was in your neighborhood like a year ago. And you're like, that's really smart to actually group them and be like, or or sometimes I do that here too, I'll have with my friends, I'll say,

yeah, why don't I be effective and then have them all together? Like, here are these five people who are all similar, they're all in my industry and let's all meet up for coffee. So what about in dating? I want to talk to you about this because when you're on apps, right?

Most people, a lot of people are dating on the apps now or they're meeting new people and relationships and I do believe that it's a great, if you're looking to meet someone that it's good to date several people at once, I think that's important and effective. I agree with you. Don't just hook up with the first person,

this was great saxophone for a year, it goes by and you realize that, what, that's not the right person for me. Yeah. But if you're doing that what happened to me, I did get a little overwhelmed. I might be jumping back into that. You got overwhelmed. I can't even imagine what that's like. Yeah, I think this is what I love about you. You're super efficient, but then that efficiency also makes you

be like, why did I do this to myself? Exactly. If I know one thing about you, it's probably going to be something like that. How do you figure that out? How do you manage it like a new relationship or dating even? How do you like get into that management of the thing for with me for dating back in the day was? It and I know this sounds super obvious. I that is so could not be further from the truth. How do you have to be ladies man? Yes, those who can't do teach right is not what they say so that's what I was doing Yeah, it's a yeah, I'm not gonna go there so So one thing that I found was really fun for me was just being really honest. And my brother-in-law is really good at this. Women will be like, women are always trying to lock down my brother-in-law all the time. And they'll do, they'll like jump through crazy,

gymnastic hoops to be like, I'm gonna make him jealous. His name's Glenn. They'll be like, I'm gonna make him jealous. I'm gonna talk about this. I'm gonna make, and it sort of works, but then we're, me and Jen, my wife, we're always like, she's doing this, to make you jealous.

She's doing this so that you do that. She's doing that to, so it's really fun to outline this and highlight it, but what's really working well for him that you can't fight is the honesty factor. He'll be like, yeah, I'm dating a lot of women right now and women who are cool and are willing to like sort of be, take it slow at an abnormal pace, they're like, okay, understandable.

And the ones that are a little like too demanding, they're like, okay, understandable. And the ones that are a little too demanding, they're like, well, you have to choose me now. And if you don't choose me now after like, real talk, like two dates, then I'm not gonna move from this other part of the country to where you, and I'm like, good, let them go. Those are people who are gonna like control your life.

Right, I think that's a really good point, because I think in dating we do this a lot, we go into it wanting everyone to like us and to convince them all that we're the one. And we're not even sure that we want to be with this person. Exactly. So it's so important to weed that out. Like if someone's doing something making you feel like making you feel bad or putting all these demands on you that just don't match up with your bottom line issues or what you're looking for. Like, yeah, we're all early on because we're all trying to be liked. Yeah. Good point. I, you know, on that no, we're all trying to be like, I'm sure liked. Yeah, good point. You know, on that note, we're all trying to be like,

I'm sure this happens to you. I remember when I was dating, I would go out with somebody that I didn't like at all. And I would be like, wait, they don't like me? This bullshit. And like, I went out with a match maker, this matchmaker hooked me up with a couple of our clients. Once and she's like, look, these clients want refunds.

Can you go out with them? Because I'm introducing them to these guys and nothing's clicking and I think they'll like you. And I would go out and dates with them and they'd be like, yeah, they liked you. And I'm like, oh shoot, I don't really want to go out with them again. And they're like, oh, okay.

And then one person would be like, yeah, she doesn't want a second date. And I would be like, wait, what? Why? Meanwhile, I just got done complaining about how crappy this date was for like an hour to my roommate. It's like, you go, like, how do you,

you don't want me when I definitely don't want you, but that does not feel good. Right, like, no, you're supposed to like me and I'm supposed to reject you, not mutual rejection, not the other way around. And then you realize how dumb that is. Exactly, it's true. We all do that, but I think it's really important

to look at it and be like, okay, yeah, I don't want this person anyway. So lay it out early on what you're looking for in a partner and let them know like your brother-in-law. Is he single, where is he live? He's single, he lives in San Jose, California, Saratoga to be exact. What I like him, I'm not.

He is really fun, he's like a good looking guy, he's smart, he's really good at designing things, and he's got a decent job. Okay, that's awesome. Okay, so, but in dating, so okay, because I know that with finding people, managing them being honest, or being honest early on, managing, or whatever I'm saying, managing people you're dating.

But that is something for me that just, I guess it is just a matter of, how long I want to talk about that anymore. Okay, what else do we want to do? So on that thread, now I'm done. I was, I envy the fact that you can... What the, what the, I can do what? That you can just stop yourself in the middle of a sentence and be like, you know what? Well, they don't get happy when I do it because sometimes they was like, that was really good and then we can't edit it

because you stopped your sentence. No, you can edit it, just like leave it in. I was, there are so many times on my show where I'm like, you know what, that was a dumb thought I'm done. And I just, and then my producers like, well, I'll cut around it. I'm like, no, just leave it in.

Like, I'm allowed to have a half thought, right? Yeah, that's true. I, we leave all this shit in here. I am so myself after all this friggin time Yeah, but let's 14 years 14 friggin years. Well, let's talk about that because How do you like being authentic and sharing who you really are and sharing your vulnerabilities and your truth is like such a It's kind of a buzzword self-help I know yeah all the businesses and all the people are like now it's not just what are they called thirst traps on Instagram

But they'll be like, what's that? What's a thirst trap? You know, a woman in a super sexy photo, and then she'll be like, I used to be really insecure. I had a abuse growing up, right? Trump, like, it's still a sexy photo, but everyone's talking about their

vulnerabilities of being authentic and being in trouble. But it's not necessarily with a thirst trap. I'm saying in general, that was just a separate thought. Why is it called a thirst trap? Because it's like, for a lot of times, like there's no other reason for this person or guy, man or woman to post this super sexy photo of them except to get a lot of likes, which...

Oh, okay, yeah, you know what's funny? I just saw something like this the other day, and I was talking about it with a bunch of my friends where somebody I know had like a kind of a traumatic breakup. And she announced it in a photo of her like getting out of a pool and it's like her wearing a swim suit and it's like her butt is the photo, getting wet butt.

And people are posting like, so you're sort of dealing with this breakup by posting your wet ass on Instagram. It's not a bad strategy. And I'm just like, yeah, good point. Like, and she's like, I see strength in the, and I feel I totally see her side, but I also. And I'm just like, yeah, good point. Like, and she's like, I see strength in the, and I feel, I totally see her side, but I also see the other side of like,

how much of this is like attention? Cause I feel like if you're sharing something really vulnerable, it's like you laying on the couch looking at the camera directly. Not, I just worked out, you're like, you're like, yeah, exactly. Like, here's what I'm doing, here's what I'm sharing. But don't you think that that is a thing right now about, probably things that you talk about on your show is like how do people relate to

what you're meeting? You have to be your most authentic stuff. So how do you show up whether you're on a date or in a meeting? You know, be making good first impressions. You're walking in the room. Like what? Well, the authenticity. I do. I do. I like the authenticity topic because it is tricky, right? Because there's people on Instagram who are like, I'm just going to be authentic. And then it reminds me of the beginning. If you've seen that movie, Jumanji, have you seen that?

You haven't? I don't do it. I missed out on like 30. I missed that. Not the Robin Williams one. I haven't even seen that one. So there's a girl in the beginning. She's taking a photo.

That's precious. And she's like, I know your time is very valuable. And she's taking a selfie and she like, corrects this, corrects this other thing, corrects this lighting, corrects her hair, and then takes a photo and then the caption is like, just rolled out of bed or something like that. It takes like the whole first five minutes of the movie

of her trying to stage this photo. So the authenticity thing is weird because people are trying to claim and look as authentic as possible, but they're really not. They're kind of, it's kind of like a, you know when, I'm trying to draw on analogy here, let's see if I screw this up. You know when the bullfight or the Matador has the red cape,

and he waves it in front of the bull, and the bull charges it, and then he moves out of the way, I feel like that's what the authenticity thing is, where it's like, I'm being so authentic with the red cape over here, and it's like, look, I'm authentic, I'm authentic, but really it's like, oh, just kidding, I'm not, I'm wearing full makeup, there's lighting.

Six people took this photo shoot, it took five hours, we have 30 retouched photos of this authentic moment where I'm supposedly eating strawberries in cereal, except for it's a piece of plastic because it wouldn't have lasted that long in the milk. Totally. And please buy my whatever I'm selling. Oh, and also, this is of hashtag, list of Reen.

Or something. Yeah. Exactly. Right, add. How do you put so in all these people you've interviewed then in the last, I mean, you invite a lot of, you've interviewed tons of leaders, successful people all over in all different walks of life. So I mean, that's a lot and you're doing a few podcasts a week, right?

Three. Yeah. Dude, that's so impressive. My Friday show is me answering listener questions. Yeah, that's a good one. Friday show is me answering listener questions. Yeah, that's a good one. And that's kind of like your bag, right? Yeah, when you come on my show,

we're gonna do one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I get these questions that are like, I'm having Emily answer this. Yeah, don't do it, I'll be out, I'll come on and do it. So is there any commonalities that you've noticed through here like, God, it seems like everyone is, for example, meditating or...

Oh my God, I know. Do you meditate? You should. Because it's, let me tell you, it's life-taping. I'm just kidding,, for example, meditating. Oh my God, I know. Do you meditate? You should. Because it's, let me tell you, it's life-t�. I'm just kidding, I did not do not. I don't do it. And then tell me to like color coat my folders and I should get people to make or write everything down.

We try to call me down to like, maybe you should make a list. Yeah, let's get my reconno in here. We'll get my reconno in here for you. Dude, I'm obsessed, I binge on it last night. But all the people that you're interviewing, is there anything you're like, oh wow, that's actually shaped you for, I mean, talking to people a week, I mean, and everything

and the whole thing. All the time. You've been in it for a year. For, yeah, the new show. Over a year of interviewing. 12 years of interviews. 12 years of interviews, but the door at the harbor is, you're the guy. Yeah, it's.

It's. You're doing the prep. That's the thing I do spend like 10 hours prepping each interview. And so I'll read the whole book. I'll remember like when I interviewed Mike Rowe, who you probably know from San Francisco, I was trying to find friends of his that he went to college with and like ask Mike Rowe stories that haven't been on shows before. Like I really dig and it like to the up to the line of creepy to try to figure out what

makes that person tick. And so of course those people, they, what their characteristics, their traits, they do rub off. So you kind of have to be careful because if you interview a lot of, I went a couple of years ago, I went down this road, I was like, let me interview all these influencers

and these marketer people. And you know, those people are kind of skeevy a lot of them, not all of them, but a lot of them are kind of gross. And so I found myself getting into a mode where I was like, oh, I'll just exaggerate that and like do the, and it was totally because I was immersed in the world of like internet fake BS. And now I'm well away from that. And it makes you happier.

It's just like if you use Instagram too much, you're like, oh, it's okay to like, just Photoshop this out. Let me do a filter where I look like, oh, it's okay to like, just Photoshop this out. Let me do a filter where I look like I don't have a zit or like I'm thinner or whatever. Or like, it's dishonest, but when you're surrounding yourself with a certain quality or caliber of person, the morals or morals or whatever of that group can really rub off on you.

And I think this business guy, Jim Rohn, who's since passed away said, you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Something like that. Yeah, exactly. All right, we're going to take a quick break after we're for sponsors. Jordan shares how your network influences your life.

Do you think at this point in life that you pretty much are Jordan Harbanger and there isn't that much of an impact or have you learned? No. You know, it's funny, you should ask. A few years ago, I was like, I'm done. I know who I am. None of this stuff is going to affect me. And now I've come to this conscious level where I'm like, oh yeah, all this stuff affects me.

You've got to be really careful. And so one of my personal models, I guess you would say, or slogans is protect your mind. And what I mean by that is you can't hang out with like dirty people who smoke and like wake up late and play video games all the time and be like, this isn't gonna influence me. It does.

So glad I broke up with my ex. Right? That's what I mean. Yeah. Oh, they're glad too. I'm sure. They're like, oh my god, she I mean. Yeah. Oh, they're glad, too. I'm sure. They're like, oh my gosh, he's turning into it. No, he did that.

No, you're saying, if they're not doing the same things, they're not up before 11, right. Yeah, and you can't avoid that. And there are all these studies that show that you probably read this, actually. I'm going to try to remember what this is. There was some study or set of studies that shows that if you, so you and I are friends, let's say that you're and your friends with Jamie.

And let's say that Jamie has a bunch of like five friends that eat chicken wings every night in pizza and they're like overweight. She does and I've been telling her not to hang out. Yeah, anyway, go ahead. And so there are studies that show that second and third order friends, so like me and you, friends with her, we will also gain an average bit of weight by being, even though we don't know those people.

So, let's say Jamie has some, let's just be unkind and say like, overweight friends, okay? And then you and I will, second-barry, tertiary, whatever it's called, we will suffer consequences of those people's lifestyle choices. you and I will secondary, tertiary, whatever it's called. We will suffer consequences of those people's lifestyle choices. It's called a network effect, and there's some other thing associated with it, but this is not just like some who will be us. There's science that shows that this is,

and this happens with eating, it happens with smoking, I think was the other thing they tested, and financial stuff as well. Like you're gonna make the same amount. It's not earning, I think it the other thing they tested and financial stuff as well. Like you're gonna make the same amount. Like if they're- It's not earning, I think it's how you spend the money. So like even if you're a well compensated investment banker, if your friend's friend, or your friend's friend

is like some dude who spends all of his money on cocaine and works at a bowling alley, you're going to have financial network effects because of that, which is incredibly disappointing. That is disappointing. So how do you know before you make a friend, you got to scout out there, friends and be like, I mean, I guess you just sort of get it. I think what it is is you just have to really hone yourself to be able to go, hey, I don't

like the influence that this person is having on me. Even if you previously would have thought this person doesn't have an influence on me. Like, oh, I'm not being influenced by Jamie. I only see her occasionally. person is having on me, even if you previously would have thought this person doesn't have an influence on me. Like, oh, I'm not being influenced by Jamie. I only see her occasionally. And it's like, well, wait a minute. I'm probably getting this negative influence from somewhere. And I notice that the good news is this is true the other way around as well.

So if all of your friends are fit and you're like, hey, let's go out to dinner and they're like, great. I'm Ovo Lacto Vegan Paleo, gluten-free. You're like, gah, right? But then you start eating Southwest Chicken Salads all day. And then you're like, oh, these are pretty good, because since they're all into that, you're not eating like cardboard,

they know where to get the good stuff. And you're like, oh, this is good. I feel good doing this. Hey, maybe I want order of soda because I would be the only person ordering a soda, and everyone else here is jacked and fit. You'll get rid of those habits, and you'll build these habits,

and we see positive influence. It's just that when it comes to negative influence, we often think that we're immune and we are not. We don't even see these negative influences, that they can wreak havoc on our confidence in who we are. It's really brave to look around and kind of shed those friends at people that are serving you anymore.

Weeding process. It is, cutting people out of your you anymore. Weeding process. It is. Cutting people out of your life sucks. And it happens with dating. It does happen with dating. But also I think that people are so, like, how do I find my person? Or how do I, it's like when we say the advice,

like go out and do things that you love doing, hang out with people that you actually enjoy. You know, even if it is a networking or business thing or hobby, at least you know you're starting somewhere or something that you're actually enjoying rather than just going to a sports bar to pick up guys that you're into or going out and hang out with them all. Like all those silly things, you don't want to meet, you want to be doing the things you actually are actually.

Agreed. Oh, that's such good advice. I wish I had known that. Right. So when people ask me for this, how do I, if they move to a new town and they're like, how do I build a social circle? One of the main things I always say is make a list of maybe like five things you've always wanted to learn.

And I don't care what it is. Like, I wanted to learn how to dance salsa and cook Italian food and go skydiving. And then maybe I'll take like golf lessons, write those things down, find classes in your area or clubs in your area that do that and do those. And it's not just like, join a club. Like, that's lame advice because a lot of the, but if you take classes, the worst thing

that happens at the end of the class, even if you don't meet any people of the same sex or the opposite sex is you just learn to skill. So you start to make yourself better as a person and so you're not wasting the time. Exactly. So you take an interior design class and you're like, oh, I didn't really meet anybody here that I like. Okay, but now you have this new skill. Yeah, I can decorate your home.

Right. Or whatever. No, you're absolutely right. Okay, but let's talk about confidence, okay? So like a lot of the people that you speak to on your shirt are just in life. Like how do you explain that? Sure, so.

What's your best tips for that? One of the things that I do is I teach people, I call this the doorway drill. And essentially, well, a lot of people think that their first impression is made when they open their mouth. And I'm sure you get this all the time. Like, oh, how do I start a conversation? What do I say?

What do I do? And the truth is none of that matters at all. Because and you know this is a woman, your first impression, especially as the guy, is made when you're a blip on their radar. So guys are like, oh, I need to sit over here, have four drinks, and then figure out some clever thing to say. Meanwhile, you're sitting there with your friends,

and you're like, these guys are total weirdos. They're sitting over there getting super hammered. They're staring at us. They're staring at us. Inevitably, one's gonna send the brave guy over here, and he's gonna be like, hey, girls, what's up? And you're gonna be like, ugh. Right, exactly.

And then by the, so he goes up and, I feel that. So he goes up and does that and is like, oh man, I guess my cool clever line didn't work because they were not responsive to that. Because the first impression was made 25 minutes ago when they walked in and ordered like six rum and coaks in a Yeager bomb for themselves.

Right, it is. It's so is. So the doorway drill is knowing that your first impression is made when you're a blip on, when you become a blip on somebody else's radar, when they first notice you, it's all nonverbal communication. And if you don't believe that your first impression

is made nonverbal, then go walk down the street, go to the mall and just listen to the voice in your head that like, juggie thing that keeps you safe. We're like tall, attractive, skinny, tattoos, fat. Like your brain does that. Even if you're quote unquote, not judgmental, your brain is doing that because that's what your brain does all the time. It evaluates things really quickly. So now that you've proven to yourself that the first impression is made nonverbaly,

that means that when you walk in the door, that's your first impression that you're making on pretty much everybody that sees you. So what I do, and what I tell people to do if they come to me for stuff like this is, every time you walk through a doorway, like straighten up your body language, chin up, chest up, smile on your face, shoulders back.

You don't have to exaggerate it, you know, like you'll look weird. But just do that every time you walk through a doorway. Of course, now the problem is you're going to walk through a doorway right after hearing this and be like, oh, I forgot to do that thing. So take these posted notes, you know, the little ones that are useless, they only put like two letters fit on them. Take those, stick them up at I, they're in your garage. Next to the purple dildos. So stick those up at I level in doors that you go through like in your office, the restroom, your bedroom, your house, whatever. Stick it up at I level.

You don't have to write anything on it. Because then when you walk through the doorway, be like, why is there a green post-it note at I level on the side of the door? Oh, right. I'm supposed to straighten up and reset my body language. And so you create this habit every time you walk through the door after you see these posted notes. And so that upright, open, positive,

confident body language becomes your default posture and your default nonverbal communication. And so what this does is then, yeah, I know everyone's sitting up straight. Everyone's sitting up straight. What this does is then next time you walk into a room, you don't have to be like, oh, I better straighten up and stand up straight

and do that. Because if you try to control your nonverbal first impression without making it a habit, now we're having a conversation and I'm like, oh, wait, was I slouching? Oh, wait, sit up straight. And then I'm like crap, I haven't been listening to, yeah, I haven't been listening to what she said.

Oh, shoot, I haven't been listening, shoot. Oh, wait, sit up straight again. You can't manually control it in the moment. It just, it doesn't work. So you have to relegate it to the level of habit. And then what happens is people see you as upright, open, positive, confident in the nonverbal sense. They start to treat you differently

because you look more confident, you look more positive and approachable. And then when they treat you different, one of the main ways we know how to behave among other people as social animals is the way that we're treated. And there are these improv games that are like status based where you hold, you ever done the one where you hold a number up to your head? Yeah, I've done it probably. Yeah, so that people treat you a certain way and you start to act as if because it's just the way that we're programmed as animals.

So if you create that upright, open, positive, confident body language, when you walk into rooms, people treat you that way, your status goes up, therefore your confidence goes up, therefore your status goes up again, and then you don't have to worry about like, Hey, ladies, what's going on? I've had seven Yeager bombs. You can just be like, hey, I've never been here before. What is this like? Exactly. It's like reinforcing it and it becomes who you are, which I love. So when you're saying think about listening, like if you're constantly focusing on your body language and what someone's think of you, you're not gonna be a great listener.

And I think one of your great skills is that you and your great interview and a great listener. Is that something that you've had to cultivate over time? Oh my God, yeah. It's important for everything. I mean, I was talking about dates and two, like freaking listen, we all wanna be listened to.

This is probably one of the zippocryphal things that never happened, but it was like some prime minister of Britain a million years ago. This woman had said, when I went out with him, I thought that he was the most interesting person in all of Britain, and then when I went out with this other person, I thought I was the most interesting person in all of Britain. And so what she meant by that was, it's great if you're really interesting, it's great if you're really interesting, it's great if you're really charismatic, it's great if you're really cool and have a high social value, high social status.

It's even better if that person feels good around you because they feel like, wow, this person's really interested in me. And I think it's a Dale Carnegie thing in order to be interesting, be interested in other people. Yeah, absolutely. People love talking about themselves. Yeah, so just let them do it.

And that's like the Jordan Harbinger Show half of it is lead them into this area where that's really interesting and then just like get the hell out of the way and like shut the hell up and let them talk. And most interviewers will not do that, including me five years ago. The reason I got over that was because my shows fans are really loyal and really nice, and they're the kind of people that go, Jordan, love the show, you totally need to shut the hell up when people are telling really interesting stories.

And if you get enough of those and you put your ego aside and you realize your fans are telling you this because they want you to be better, then you kinda start doing it. And then you go, you get feedback that's positively reinforcing. What I like about your show is, you pick these really interesting people,

you ask these really good questions, and then you don't freaking interrupt them every five minutes. And a lot of interviewers, all they do is interrupt and interject and then make like a dumb joke and then step on the story. Yeah. So I had to learn it the hard way.

Yeah, I've had to learn that too. In fact, I'm still learning that. I feel like we got to be recently. Someone's like, she's interrupting the guests. I'm like, do I still do that? I thought I gave it the hard way. Yeah, I've had to learn that too. In fact, I'm still learning that. I feel like we got to be recently. Someone's like, she's interrupting the guests. I'm like, do I still do that? I thought I gave that up years ago. But you're right, that is a total scale that is something that we're all working on.

And in life, it's important. If you feel like you've talked more than you listen, something to learn. Yeah, I'm an only child, so no surprise. Now it all makes sense, right? So I had to do a lot of talking because nobody, my mom likes to read and my dad likes watching sports on TV.

So as an only child, I'm like, is this thing on? Like is my life on? Am I important to anyone right now? Like that's the majority of my life. Jordan. Yeah. So I think. Look at me, talk to me, right?

Totally. I think part of the reason I like having a microphone in front of me is because I'm like, people have to listen now. Right? Exactly. So I get attention that I've craved so long, but I don't really care about that in other formats, but I really do think that it's so important. It was so important to me as a kid to like always be talking to get attention, that it was

a really tough lesson for me to learn to like shut up and let other people have some spotlight. It's a very good skill. In your work and talking to all these high achievers or successful people, there is a lot lately about, and I feel this happens with sex and relationships, I do believe that we are a highly anxious and stressed out society. Now, I don't know if it's more so now because of technology, because of phones and all the distractions, but what about stress and anxiety and dealing with that in a way that you, where are your top tips for that?

That you've seen or maybe that you've learned, talking to people? You know, what I, I deal with a lot of doctors and like health biohacking type people as well. One of the things I found is that all this stuff like you need to work out, all that stuff, that is so valid, but most people will eat tons of crap and most people don't get enough vitamin D in sun.

And even in California, people are inside a lot and we look at a lot of blue lights and all that stuff triggers anxiety like crazy. Blue light is stuff from screens. And so that... That were like the glasses. Super, I have those. Do you have those blue blockers?

No, I bought a pair of them on the garage, but I didn't use them for the usual. Next to the orange, do you have those blue blockers? I bought a pair of the probably in the garage But I didn't use it next to the orange deal those yeah every night When you're every night before you're when you're just home. Yeah, yeah, and I will tell you if you wear them from like 7 p.m 9 30 you're like I'm so tired. I'm going to sleep Cuz it shuts you down even if you are still working then yeah, yeah That's good to know it's good enough. And then what about like being in relationships? What if you have your, how's your relationship? Well, my relationships pretty good.

You guys have been together a while now. Then together for six years, Mary. We're working together. Totally working together. How do you do that? How do you do that? You know, everybody said don't work with your girlfriend. It's not now wife.

They're like, it's going to be a mess. I think that some people can and some people can't. And I think people think that they want to work together with their girlfriend or their wife because they kind of have to or because it'll be cheaper or because they want to spend every weight waking moment together because they're still in the honeymoon phase. But if the other person is not willing to sort of bend and do it, then you're in trouble for sure. And a lot of these people who create these awesome businesses together, one person is secretly miserable.

You think? Yeah, I think so, not always. You're not so nuttin', who's secretly miserable in your relationship? Jen is not secretly miserable, but she's definitely like, she's like, this is your dream, this is not my dream. Well, see, that's really hard to get the buy-in

from people if they're not really their dream. Well, yeah, agree. I mean, she's doing it because she's great, she's super supportive and it's better than being like an accountant, but she's not like, this is my dream, I wanna hold the camera while you interview someone. You know, that's not her thing.

That's true, I got it. Okay. But I think that if she had a dream, it would be like, she would be like a farmer. She would have like a llama farm. Really? That gets to happen, you never know. It will happen. What is the dream for this year for your show, for your life?

Like what's the next thing? Like you've already top 100 podcasts. Yeah. And all these people on the show. Mic drop. Mic drop, yeah. No, I was so proud. I appreciate that.

I was like, Jordan, doing it. It's amazing. But you seem really well and I'm so proud of you and all of your success. Thank you. So if someone can check it out, they can check out where you're going to be visiting their cities. You can have check out their podcast.

His podcast. Yeah, the George Harbinger Show. Yeah, or Harbinger Show, whatever, whatever makes it easier for you to spell, it's that. Okay, I've got my five quicky questions for you. Let's do it. We ask everyone, ready? What's your biggest turn on?

Oh, somebody who is, oh god, dammit. I'm not really quick right now. Intelligence, but there's gotta be other stuff, right? It can't be like an ugly person with, there's just really smart. But like mean to waiters, no. Okay, got it, biggest turn off. Mean to waiters.

True, right? It's one of my biggest things, yeah. And not just servers, just mean to like flight it to. Like if they're mean, that is a sign, not to cut off the quickies, but like literally if somebody is me on your first day, my mom always says the issues you have in the third day, you have forever. People show you who they are, believe them.

For sure, and you know. Triggered in your stomach and you feel it, like don't go on the other day. This is one of those things, I know it's quickie, I'll be done inside. No, don't, we're good. There's these things that people do that they think are like, they're like, oh, this is just something that I do,

and it's like as an adult, it's not cool anymore. And one of those things is, oh, I'm just an asshole. It's like who I am, bro. No, you're immature, you want attention. It's not cool anymore. It was cool in middle school. You were like a rebel guy or like the woman whose profile was like, I'm a bitch, deal with it.

It's like, no, you're immature and you're a bad person. I'm not dealing with that. You deal with that. So, you grow up and you grow up so much, Jordan. So I'm going to you. Thank God. You've really matured a lot. Thank you. I and you grow up so much, Jordan, so I don't know. Thank God. You've really matured a lot. Thank you.

I mean, I hope I have two. I don't know if you had. Yeah, you were already mature back then. No, no, no, no, no. But I'm just so impressed because I guess we met like 12 years ago. You were doing other kind of stuff over topics. Oh, at least. Yeah.

And I just, I'm really just, just into a man of integrity. Thank you. And I'm talent. Okay, so something random that turned you on. Oh, something random that turns me on. I was I feel like I just had this the other day. Oh, it was, you know what? My what? My wife is really capable. I think capable is a turn on. Yeah, absolutely. And it's entire. It's your website. She's one of those people who's like, you know, I actually just negotiated this and then

I got this other free thing and then I set this thing up and then now I'm going to go build something and I'm like, that's pretty cool. Yeah, I know, yeah. If we ever run into problems, she's going to go work somewhere else. Perfect date night. Oh God, this is so sad. Sitting on my butt with my cat and my wife and like watching something and talking about it or listening to a really good podcast

and talking about it. What's your other favorite podcast? Because mine yours. Besides yours, yeah. You know, my wife finds these true crime ones that I normally don't like. Good, great. They totally suck you in when I have time for them.

Have you heard Dirty John? Yes. That's TV show. That's creepy though, this guy. Yeah, yeah. She loves Dirty John. I love Dirty John. Yes. That's TV show. That's creepy though, this guy. Yeah, yeah. She loves Dirty John. I love Dirty John. Okay.

What's your number one, you can pick this, sex dating relationship tip. Sex dating relationship tip. Just be honest about the thing that you think is going to hurt the other person's feelings because one, it's going to come out later. They're going to be super pissed. You're already going to have this investment in them. Two, if you'd mention it early on and you're kind enough about it, they're already gonna have this investment in them. Two, if you'd mention it early on and you're kind enough about it,

they're probably gonna respect it. Like if someone's late and then they're late again and you're like, hey, you know, if you're gonna be always late, it's gonna drive me crazy. Is that a thing that we can work on? And they're like, you know what, I hate that about myself,

problem kind of starting to become solved. If you wait until you're six months in and you're like, you know what, you're always late, FU, you're terrible person, you don't care about anyone else but yourself, then they're like, whoa, where did that come from? And then they're defensive about it. And now you can't solve the problem.

Because if they're on time, they're like, I'm not doing it for you, okay? Because now you've got to fight. I've had to learn these kind of things because I am a big people pleaser. I don't feel not to like me. All the stuff you say on the show, you eventually start to take your own advice.

Yeah, hopefully. Yeah, people appreciate it. You know, hey, day by day. Thank you so stuff you say on the show, you eventually start to take your own advice. Yeah, hopefully. Yeah, people appreciate it. You know, hey, day by day. Thank you so much for being on the show. And everyone, check out his podcast. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review

where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex.

That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemalink.com.