Sex With Emily - Best Of: Oral Sex Master Class

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

How do you give incredible, life-affirming oral sex to a vulva owner? While every body is different, I’m here to tell you that these are the techniques you absolutely need. First, we’ll talk the art of the tease. I explain how to use your tongue to intensify sensations and encourage arousal. I also get into everyone’s favorite: the Kivin Method. Next, I show you how to help facilitate a G-spot orgasm by answering your top questions. For example, when you’re 100% down to give oral but your partner doesn’t like receiving, what do you do? When you’re the vulva owner and want to squirt, how do you get there? Finally, I talk overcoming insecurities when you’re the receiver, and how to make giving oral more physically comfortable.Show Notes:I Gave My Friend a Magic Wand Mini. Here’s Why.Get to Know the Clitoris (& How to Pleasure It)PRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasurePromescent.com/Emily (use this link to automatically save 15% at checkout)Article: Mind-Blowing Oral Sex in Under 5 Minutes: The Kivin MethodArticle: Ask Emily: How Do I Go Down on a Vulva?Playground Lube (code SEXWITHEMILY for 15% off 1st order)Morgasm CBD Arousal Lubricant (code EMILY for 15% OFF sitewide)Podcast: Squirting Secrets w/ Deborah SundahlArticle: Ask Emily: How Do I *Actually* Start Squirting? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If there's a partner who is not interested in my clitoris, I managed to do nothing. So you could say, you know, right now I'm exploring this thing with touch. You know, look what happens here. I start to rub my pubic mound or my labia and look how it starts to swell a little bit. Maybe you could take your finger and circular motions. Let's try that. And you could even talk together like a play-by-play. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So how do you give incredible life-affirming oral sex to a ball of owner? Well everybody is different. I'm here to tell you that these are the techniques you absolutely need. First we'll talk the art of the teas. I explain how to use your tongue to intensify sensations and encourage a rousal.

I also get into everyone's favorite, the Kiven method. Next, I show you how to help facilitate a G-Spot orgasm by answering your top questions. Like, when you're 100% down to give oral but your partner doesn't like receiving, what do you do? Or when you're the vulva owner and want to squirt, how do you get there? Finally, I talk about overcoming insecurities when you're the receiver and how to make giving oral more physically comfortable. Intensions with Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you all to do the same.

My intention is to help you experience the most connection and pleasure possible through oral sex. It's vulnerable, sure, and that's precisely what makes it so hot. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show. My new articles I gave my friend a magic wand mini here is why and get to know the clitoris and how to pleasure it are up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. Also, I am creating a ton of TikTok content right now. I love TikTok. I know. I know I'm a little late to the party, but I love this platform, and I love that I have a new way to share tips with you, tricks, little sex and gems daily right in your TikTok feed. Like if you want to move on from a situation ship, learn the basics

of sexual aftercare. Hear me debunk the myth of penis size. It's all there. New videos daily, so come join the convo. Be sure to follow me. It's at sexual memory on TikTok. As always, if you want to ask questions, do it, leave me your questions or message me

sexual memory.com, slash ask Emily, or call my hotline. 559 talk sex or 559 825539 just include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show and it's totally cool to change your name or choose your main anonymous. It's all good. And before we get into the show real quick, I have to tell you, I'm coming out with a book. I'm so excited. It comes out June 13th. It's called Smart Sex. How to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. And I just wanna ask you a favor real quick. I'm not great at asking for things, but I'm gonna ask you this.

Would you please pre-order the book? Here's a deal with pre-orders, is that it really helps get the book into as many hands as possible. My publisher will be able to do more for it if you pre-order, might get it in the New York Times bestseller list. Can you imagine if Smart Sex is on the best seller list?

How many people would be like, guess I better pay attention to my sex life now, like you do as listeners to the show. So if you know you're gonna get the book, you're like, yeah, I wanna buy a doctor on my book. Please do it now. I just, I would appreciate it so much. All you gotta do is go to the drop down menu.

It's sexelmy.com, select new book. It's easy from there or even easier. Click the link in the show notes. Thank you all, I appreciate you. Lastly, this episode is brought to you by Primescent. It's a delay spray. It helps pre-nissoters last up to 64% longer in bed. I've been talking about Primescent for almost 10 years

because when I first heard about them, I was like, this is an amazing product and it exists because so many of you worry that you just premature ejaculation, it's not fun. You just spray on it 10 to 15 minutes before play, last up to an hour, which means your partners And it exists because so many of you worry that you just premature ejaculation. It's not fun. You just spray out at 10 to 15 minutes before a play, last up to an hour, which means your partner's orgasms will increase by 50%. Especially if you're with a vulva owner.

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Or just click the link in the show notes. All right, everyone, which I love. But this is a vulva show, so we're going to kick off today's episode with some education. And remember, when we're thinking about sex, we always focus on penetration as being the main event. But oral sex can also be the main event. In fact, I think it should be. Once we learn to really get comfortable with giving and receiving oral sex, think you're going to find even a lot more time for it, and you might just make it the whole evening's activity.

There are some differences in how penis and vulva owners typically prefer to receive oral sex. Now, this is a generalization and I avoid these, but just for purposes of this show, vulva owners usually like oral sex to build an intensity, whereas penis owners often enjoy a high sensation from the get go. Meaning like, we don't want you to go right far, Clitoris. We don't want you to dive in with your pointy tongue going right in there and licking away. We want to make out, we want to build, we want to get a rouse, we want to get turn on,

we want you to go slow, where they're going right for the main event. Whereas penis owners, they've got the erection, it's okay if you grab it and you start going. Okay? Again, we're all different, but that is the generalization that I think is going to help you in this lesson. There's also vulva owners who are super sensitive and oral sex can actually be uncomfortable for them, so much so that they tend not to enjoy it. Sometimes it's because their clitoris is closer to their vaginal opening, which means that they have multiple orgasms during penetration.

Again, this is rare, but the vulva owners where this happens, where they have a lot of sensitivity, they typically oral sex just doesn't feel good for them. It's too sensitive and it's actually become painful. So let's do this. Let me just start with some steps to top shelf your vulva pleasure going from teasing to the tongue to the G-spot and then I'm going to get into your questions.

So start with the T's and a warm-up. This is your first step. Did you know there were over 8,000 nerve endings in the clitoris twice that of a circumcised penis. Circumcised penis is 4,000 nerve endings. So you've got all these amazing nerve endings, which is why we love to talk about all the ways to pleasure the vulva and the clitoris. Because the clitoris, remember, is not just that bulb, that little nub that you can see, but it extends behind it has legs. It runs behind the labia internally. There's a lot of magic there.

But listen, instead of diving right in, start with massaging your partner's thighs, inner thighs, kisses on their vulva adjacent regions. You can start kissing their neck, their lips go slowly down their body, and then when you get there, it's the thighs, the inner thighs. Go slow, okay? Now, this is a very sensitive piece of sexual real estate, and it's very easy to desensitize and turn it off for business if you go too fast or too hard.

It can feel really wonderful to rub your partner's vulva over their underwear or even over their clothes because again, remember those nerve endings? So a piece of fabric leaving your underwear on can be super, super stimulating. Using your hands is a great place to start because remember oral sex isn't just about your tongue in your mouth because it gets tired after well. Use everything that you got at your disposal. It also allows for immediate feedback like they can put your hand over your hand and encourage more pressure. They can kind of guide you so start with your hands. Then you can start with your fingers. You know, using some fingers, once you're pleasing the vulva, a lot of

you will start with external and licking around, licking the vulva and the labia. And some vulva owners really do like a finger. They do want some digital stimulation, but not all. But typically it comes after you've already done some licking and some stimulating and then you put a finger inside. And you can kind of pulse it up and down slowly. You can even add another finger or a third finger. It all depends on your partner and you wanna listen for feedback.

You wanna listen to pleasure, moaning, heavy breathing. Ask your partner if they like a finger. Sometimes I wanna finger, sometimes I don't, it depends on the day. So it changes every time. But just remember, this is the tease and the warm up. Go slow and pay attention. Next, bring on the tongue. We didn't even bring on the tongue yet. Now we are. So if your partner is lying down,

you can continue with the fingers and then introduce your tongue on the clitoris. This is a great time for the Kiven method. We've got a great blog on our site. You can check out the Kiven method. I've talked about it before, but I would be remiss if I didn't bring it up again on this episode. So you want to approach the Volvo from the side. So you're lying perpendicular to the receiver rather than between their legs. So once you're in this position,

you want to use your index finger and your thumb to raise the clitoris up and keep it in place while you're licking. Now sometimes this position might reveal two small bumps on either side of the clitoral hood. Kind of known as k-points, and if you feel them, use your tongue to gently sweep across these areas. But don't stress if you can't find them because not all bodies have these k-points.

Then feel free to use your tongue in different ways, but mostly it's a back and forth. So we're talking like thigh to thigh rather than like up and down from like toes towards head. Okay, you see them saying we're going side to side you're sweeping over all these areas because there's so many nerve openings and you can hit them a lot more in this position. Now if they say don't stop, don't stop. Maybe they're close to orgasming. I have to tell you that repetitive movements are really really helpful to facilitate orgasm, especially when someone's close. Again, if you want more info on the Kiven Method,

check out the article of my site, Mind Blowing Oral Sex in Five Messages, the Kiven Method will also put it in the show notes. Now here's another thing, you could also try face sitting. So whoever's doing this, if your partner's lying on the back, and you're doing the face sitting,

you just kind of sit on it, but know that it's more of a kneel than a sit. Your knees are forward, maybe they're around your partner's head, and you're controlling the depth, you're controlling the motion, you actually are really in control in this position, and you can position yourself over your partner's mouth and their lips, you know, and their tongue and see what feels good. The receiver is more in control here. If you're the one receiving, you know, and their tongue and see what feels good. The receiver is more in control here. If you're the one receiving, you can put your hands on the headboard that could help you maintain balance.

So remember, if you're the one giving and your hands are free, so you can use them any way you like. You can grab their hips, you can use fingers. So this is a really fun position and I think maybe there's some fear around it. You're like, I don't want to crush my partner. But remember, if you're using the headboard and it's more of a kneeling, you can sort of position yourself so you're not just plump it on your body weight down in your partner's face. So think of it, like face kneeling. Then we've got our final step. Find the famous G-Spot or G-area. Many vulva owners are curious about the G-Spot organisms or the or the g area which I totally understand. Remember that literal orgasms are a lot more common. It's external, the clitoris, usually we

can have it by even when we're a kid, we're riding a bike, we're humping our stuffed animal, we're in the shower, like our clitoris is where a lot of the orgasms are happening. But the g spotspot orgasm or the G-area again, that can also lead to squirting and more intense, full-bodied orgasms. And remember, it's easier to have a G-spot orgasm if you already had a clitoral orgasm because the G-spot becomes more engorged and more sensitive. So try this. Insert a toy or finger into your vulva or your partner's vulva and do a come-hither motion, a come-her shape with your finger, curling it towards their belly. And that's when you're going to feel like a rough spot.

And again, helpful after a little orgasm to feel this area. And then you just start applying a pressure to it. Keep applying pressure with your finger. You can move it in little small circles. It's really up to your partner. It helps your partner with the vulva to start maybe tensing and relaxing their pelvic floor muscles that could also really help to facilitate an orgasm there. If you want to try toy, great for G-spot simulation, check out

the shop page on my website, sexwithmly.com slash shop. And just remember this for many vulva owners, the the gspats about halfway between the vaginal opening and the cervix. If your partner is getting close to orgasm and you are performing oral they can kind of bear down with their pelvic floor muscles to encourage squirting and even orgasm. Now gspats simulation is what's going to trigger that release of fluid. It's not pee, so let's not get tripped up on it. And this comes from the skin's gland in the urethra. Now, you can squirt and not orgasm, you can orgasm, not squirt, they're not always related. Why don't you guys remember that? Okay? Final note, don't be afraid till first off, look at your anatomy between your legs. You can do it with your phone, you can take

a mirror, get to know yourself. And if you're not really sure, Google anatomy pictures. Search for the clitoris, the g-spot, the cervix, the labia. Our partners do it too. It's hot to know where you can find all these things. We also, of course, have tons of resources at sexwithelmui.com. You can check out my article, Ask Emily. How do I go down in a vulva? Before we get into your questions, vulva owners, let's turn to you and give you some tips for receiving, shall we? I know that a lot of you get really nervous or even insecure receiving oral. So I want to reassure you that trust is a key element here.

You're going to be able to relax and get into it. Because when you're with someone you fundamentally feel comfortable with, it's a lot easier than pleasure and to let go and to relax and let someone please you and tease you. A lot of it is that we're in our heads and it's just so hard for us to feel anything because we're worried about our smell or how we look. So be with somebody to trust is key. For a lot of us, receiving oral, it can be way more intimate than penetration. Don't you think? We think about it, someone's between your legs, tasting you, looking at you, which really

tells me that we can all have a way more expansive definition of sex. Remember that fingers are a huge part of oral, as is the whole face. It doesn't just have to be the tongue. And then you guys, let's talk about the time element here. It does take vulva owners a lot longer than the penis owners to climax. It's always been that way. So it feels like you're taking a while,

please don't feel bad, it's normal. I can't tell you how many times I've been receiving oral sex, and I'm looking at the clock, and it's like that blinking clock, I'm like, okay. I remember like my boyfriend's clock in college. It was like the numbers. I'm like, okay now. It's 312 now It's 319. It's been seven minutes. Oh now it's been 10 minutes. Oh my god. I blow the button. No listen You got a breathe you got to relax and if you're someone going down on a vulva owner the best thing you can say is babe Don't go anywhere. I've got all night

We need to be reassured that you're gonna put in the time because it can say is babe, don't go anywhere. I've got all night. We need to be reassured that you're going to put in the time because it can take the majority of Volvo owners to orgasm during oral anywhere between 20 and 40 minutes. So don't feel bad. It's normal. Okay. Can you just play this for your friends? Can you put in a speaker's loud system? What if you knew all of this before today? How much better would your oral sex

have been if you weren't so worried that you were taking so long or how you smelled and all those things? Okay, next, pain sensitivity. Listen, a lot of you oral sex is physically uncomfortable. Some of us are born with anatomy and nerve writings, and it just makes it way too sensitive. Those nerve writings are just gonna

prevent you from enjoying it and that is fine. You find other ways to pleasure. It is okay. Let's talk about body image and insecurity. We're so worried how we smell, how we taste, how we look. Remember this. They are self-cleaning offens.

You don't need to douche. You can make sure you're hygienic that you take a shower before. You wipe up before sex, go to the bathroom, use a washcloth, but our natural odors are beautiful and they're turned on and they're hot. Yes, you can do a finger check after you shower and make sure you don't have an infection because that's when it starts to smell off. And remember this, you are what you eat.

Your diet can impact how you taste. So always, no matter what, lots of veggies, greens, fruit, pineapple. Yes, pineapple can help. You're gonna have to eat a lot of pineapple, it tastes like a peanut colada, but it can't hurt. And if you're worried about how you look, kind of say this, Google something called the vulva gallery. You're gonna see that there are so many different kinds of vulvas. They're like snowflakes. But the ones that you see in porn are really have makeup on them. They're cheating towards camera.

Like they turn in a certain angle, they get tucked in. They are not like every vulva that you see. So just learn to love your vulva or like your vulva in all the ways you can experience pleasure because there's so many of them, okay? And remember, Loub, I believe that Loub is great for every sexual situation, especially oral sex. A clitoris is not going to lubricate itself. We're more likely

to have orgasms to define some lubes. We've got great articles at sexwithelm.com, all about the lubs that we recommend and love. All right, everyone, on to your questions. This is from Clara, 46 in Virginia. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show. I'm a recent-ish widow and just dove back into the dating scene. Your show has been a big help in navigating sex and communication. Anyway, have more of an observation than a question, but have noticed way more men super into going down on me? All of them have been 40 plus, if that matters.

I love it and they have all been pretty amazing at it. super into going down on me. All of them have been 40 plus, if that matters. I love it and they have all been pretty amazing at it. So no complaints, but curious if this is something other women are experiencing. I have been dated since the early 2000s before I got married and either the guys I was with just weren't good at it or just didn't want to. It often felt more obligatory than enjoyable for them.

This time round, it seems like they're duty to be masterful at it and to tell me how much they want to do it. Anyway, just curious what you're hearing out in the field. Clara, I love this realization and I have to say that there has been a cultural shift from Volvo owners. They're definitely prioritizing their own pleasure. And I have noticed that with penis owners, there is more of an interest. Think about it. It wasn't until like 2006 that porn was ready available in our pocket, right?

We got the smartphones. And so everyone started watching porn more often. And I think what I do love about porn is that they're showing a lot more oral sex on a vulva. So there's definitely more knowledge about it. There's more information on shows like this. And it really is a common turn on for men. And I do think that something has shifted and they feel that it's less of a service and more mutually fulfilling. And this isn't going to be for every man. So I want to say that I've been with lovers in the past who their hard bird fooling around and then they're like, oh, they go down to me and they lose their erection. Now, I believe that for these men,

either they're in their head and they're worried that Their erection is not gonna come back because that's a lot of men are like I'm turned on I got to go we got a serpenteration and I'm gonna lose my erection or maybe they're not that into oral sex So for some penis owners, it just doesn't turn them on So what I just see as a culture here is that we're all recalibrating our attitudes towards oral sex and alolva I also have to say that when I was in my 20s and if there was a penis owner who wanted to go down on me I have to say that I was a lot less comfortable as well with my body. There was no vulva positive information out

there. I was still under the belief that it was dirty or there was something wrong with it. I had masturbated a lot at that time, so I do think that we can point to education across the board for Volvo owners and penis owners, porn showing that there's more and more of it and it can be pleasurable for both parties and also just society changing and more information out there. So I say go for it. I love that you're in this new situation and you're being worshipped and adored and it feels good to you So it's a great time to be single alive and getting oral sex is what I'm thinking. Thanks for your email Clara This is from Lexi 21 in North Carolina

Hey, Dr. Emily my girlfriend can't perform oral sex to me for very long She says her tongue gets tired and starts to burn We both really want oral the last longer because we're experimenting with multiple orgasms. Are there any tips you can use to make it easier on her tongue or to strengthen it? Thank you. Well, just remember this, that oral sex isn't all about the tongue. It's about using our hands. It's about using different parts of our mouth.

It could be some sucking or a little bit of blowing. And so when you rely just on your tongue, they can start to hurt, and it can be really, really intense. So again, using parts of your face, or your mouth, using your hands, or a toy, toys can be a great add-on to give your tongue some break in between the legs.

And what's the burning? I wanna get back to her tongue, it's hard to start to burn. I wanna make sure that there's nothing going on with her tongue, I need infections. I'm not sure what that's about. So hopefully it's not painful. She could also take different positions. She cramping her neck, that she stay in one place. This is for everybody who performs oral sex. Sometimes we feel like it's so uncomfortable. But if you take a minute and get situated, you're like, I can put

something under my knees or I'm actually going to have you, you could sit on her face remember if you sit on her face her neck can be more comfortable lying back and really face sitting is more of a face Nealing situation so Maybe where she's at now she's really straining with her tongue. So I play around some face sitting different positions using fingers Toys hands and seeing if that helps the situation, okay? Let me know how it goes. Thank you, Lexi. This is from Kylie 31 in Pennsylvania. Hey, Dr. Emily. My husband and I have been married for nine years. We have a wonderful relationship, great and open communication, and good sex. I mean, once we get going, I usually don't feel like having sex until we're a few minutes in. Side note here, that's common for many of us. Many of us need that warm up, the kissing, the build up to actually be in the mood for sex,

okay? I want to just normalize that. So, one thing we consistently struggle with is that I do not like oral sex before I'm not me. I'm happy to go down in him, but I really don't want it for myself. The more I don't want it, the more he really wants it, and the more he asks for it, the anger and stubborn I get. He feels like I'm withholding from him. I feel upset that he's obsessed with wanting to go down to me.

I don't remember any trauma from childhood, or any particular reason, but I've always felt like oral sex was gross. And when I do let him go down to me, I feel sick and dirty. I feel like I'm being raped because I don't want it. But I wonder if there's any advice for me to start liking it. I'd love to hear your advice. Thank you. All right, Kylie, thanks for your email. It's common that people have mixed feelings about

receiving oral sex. Let's start with vulva owners since you're a vulva owner. For some vulva owners, it just doesn't feel good to them. This is what I found. There's two camps with vulva owners since you're a vulva owner. For some vulva owners, it just doesn't feel good to them. This is what I found. There's two camps of vulva owners when it comes to not wanting oral. The one camp is vulva owners who are really, their clitoris is really, really sensitive. And these vulva owners typically have multiple orgasms. They're very orgasmic, but they have it during penetration and their clitoris gets really sensitive. Second camp like you who feels like receiving oral is uncomfortable,

either because you have a belief around it that it's like dirty or shameful or wrong or group in a religious home or one partner shamed you for it, sometimes you can't even remember what happened, but you just have a belief, this is more in your mind than it's any physicality problem that's preventing you from actually receiving oral sex. Sounds like you're that category because you said it feels like rape. Now, I wanna reinforce this.

You should not force yourself into any sex act to appease your partner. And I do not like that you feel that this is a rape experience. You want to get into something sexually because you actually want to do it. Okay? So what I'm also hearing from you though is that you want to do it. Your last question was, if there's any way, could I possibly start liking it? So let's get to the bottom for a minute of why you think you don't like it. When do you first remember it grossing you out? Was it something that you saw?

Did somebody say something to you much? Are you sitting in high school and there were guys sitting around or in college and there were guys sitting around going, oh God, it's gross, that's so dirty or did someone tell you that you smelled? There's so many things that can happen. So figuring this out, what is it?

And then journaling about it is so helpful to kind of write it out and say, this is what happened. And then doing the reverse of it, like, I deserve pleasure. I'm worthy of pleasure. My vagina is beautiful. And it smells good. And I'm deserving of oral pleasure. Reframing your beliefs around it. Maybe if you took a shower before with your partner, that could be something so you know that you're clean. I mean, the majority of us are clean. Remember, the vagina is a self-cleaning oven. We don't need duchess. We don't need special products. We don't need any of that. It's only when we have an infection sometimes, there can be an

odor. It's really important to kind of think about it. Now listen, you could also work around oral. It doesn't necessarily have to be he goes right for your clitoris. So another way is like your pelvic floor muscles are very powerful. Those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. You could pump your kegge muscles that could start to allow you to feel more turned on. I do that during oral sex or during sex. I tense and relax the pelvic floor muscles that kind of help you get more roused, get turned on, I do that during oral sex or during sex, I tense and relax the pelvic floor muscles that kind of help you get more roused, get her non, get in the moment and start to look at your vulva too, look in the mirror, get to know her, like what does she look like, what does she like, what kind of touch does she like, what feels comfortable in the sudden

that you can do on your own during masturbation, if you feel like you are stressing out when it's happening, really start to breathe and relax into your body. You can bring in a simple breathwork practice that can actually help with orgasm. Like it's like a four-in count breath, breathe in for four, and then breathe out for four. That's really helping the inhale, exhaling. I'm telling you that really helps facilitate orgasm because sometimes when we're receiving something

or we're in a sex act, it just feels really uncomfortable or we're nervous about it or we've limiting beliefs around it. We tense up, but we start to breathe. You'll realize that you'll start to move that sexual feeling through your body, like picture yourself breathing into your pelvic floor.

Flavored lobes are really fun. That might make you feel good. We love flavored loobs. We got some of our website. CBD, I'm using some CBD loobs, can also help you kind of relax if there's tension. I really think that it also helps to have your partner stimulating other zones of your body.

Like maybe if they stimulate your nipples, that could make you feel good. You know, we don't have to go right for oral, making sure that you are turned on and you're making out and you're ready to go. Maybe your partner solely addresses you and then works his way down. Maybe he keeps your underwear on and starts to kind of stroke you over your vulva. That can feel really good as well. So just kind of knowing that you get to discover a new oral experience and what it feels like.

I don't believe that your partners need to go right there and say, now we're doing oral. So I'd be honest with your husband about what's going on that you want to work on it. I would listen to this answer together and go slow and build up to a new relationship with your evolve up because you deserve it. And I think you're going to get through it and you're going to love it. Alright, thanks for your email Kylie. Before we take a break, I want to tell you another one of our longtime sponsors, Magic Wand. You know I love them. They're the original one-style massager. They've been around since 1968.

They're one of the most in demand pleasure products. I'm obsessed with their mini. They launch the mini. Has it been a year? Maybe a year since they launched the mini. I can't believe the mini exists. I love it. I love all the magic ones But the mini is my go-to. I always have it on my nightstand ready to go. I love it for solo play and partner play It's powerful but mini and adorable. I know I mentioned earlier but I have a brand new article on my site I gave my friend a magic wand mini here's why. Read it at sacksadently.com such magic wand that sacksadently.com such magic wand. Don't go away because after the break I mentioned more questions like what to do if your partner never goes down on you. This is from Alexa.

Hey, Dr. Emily, is it possible for the nerve in your clitoris to, like, die? The thought of getting oral sex is rousing, but when my fiance goes down, it just doesn't feel good as I thought it would. And we've talked about it and discussed him doing it in motions, but sometimes it's just not doing it. Also, sometimes my toy won't get the job done either. I feel like I'm trying to do hard to help. All right. Well, first, have you ever had Alexa an orgasm on your own? Have you masturbated and felt an orgasm? Because sometimes if we're not really sure what to expect,

your partner's going down in you, you're just like, I'm not sure. Is it there yet? Is it there yet? So maybe you are trying too hard because you're not sure like, oh, what does it feel like? Or maybe there's a mental block. Maybe you're like in your head

thinking about it too much. And you know, again, I'm gonna tell everyone to breathe more. I'm gonna tell everyone on this episode. And every day if I can, just to breathe more. It's like inhale, exhale, four counts in, four counts out. You can do four counts in six, six counts out. Breathing is gonna help you get more tuned in with your body.

So first, I have to ask you, I don't know how it was before, but are you on any medications? Has anything changed? Is there any stress in your life, any trauma? Because that can keep us from having orgasms and feeling in touch with our body. I definitely recommend using a lube. You know that I think a lube is so important.

Your clitoris is not going to lubricate itself, so adding a few drops of lube, and then your fiance can start to take his hands and use a light touch. He can start to tease and build up and move towards your clitoris. Massage your inner thighs. Get you aroused. Again, touching over fabric and blowing like using some lube and then blowing on it, like blowing on your vulva and then like using fingers and it's your labia, your clitoris, let all those areas getting used to sensations. It could be tapping or a finger motion.

Make sure that you're in shape too like are you exercising? Is there blood flow to your clitoris? That's all important too. And if your vibrator isn't doing it, take a little break from the vibrator and just focus on the sensations. This is why I love mindful masturbation or some mutual masturbation where you're both focusing on your own pleasure. But I think that a lot of it has to do with sometimes our own personal blocks.

And also that we're not turned on. Remember, if somebody goes right for your clitoris, it's going to hurt. If you're sitting there all day, you're at work and your partner comes home and they take your pants off and they go right down and you have to go right for the clitoris. That's not going to feel great. We need to warm it up. You know, there's a lot of nerve endings, but they're not all ready to go at once. This could definitely be a mental block.

You might be thinking like, oh God, it's not happening yet. Is it going to happen? Am I going to have an orgasm? Last time it was really sensitive. This time it's not. I think the mental blocks that we have, this is a good news for everybody. There are a lot of our challenges in the bedroom. We have to do with our mental blocks, less than physical stuff.

Yes, it could be medications or physiological. That is all true, but a lot of it is that we are mentally blocking ourselves from the O. We are like, oh, blocking. And so the more you can share it with your partner, be vulnerable about the blocking, maybe that's happening and then breathing and guiding your partner and guiding yourself and just saying, like, it's going to happen when it happens. But remember, when we are in the present moment, truly, truly present, we can't be worried about the past.

We can't be worried about the future. You're going to be present to all the sensations happening in your body. But I think if you breathe, you take the pressure off yourself, you spend some time with yourself, and with your partner's fingers, you're gonna feel more sensitivity in no time. Thanks Alexa. This is from Carmen 23 in San Francisco. Hey Dr. Emily, I love your show, I've learned so much and I appreciate it. I have a couple questions How can you squirt and what is it also? How do you know you've orgasmed is it feeling like having a pee almost like a tickle? Also, I don't like when a man goes down on me because I feel that my vagina spells bad

I doubt the lover tell me that there's nothing wrong with my vagina. No infections. I'm super clean So I don't know what to do. How do I tell the guys that go down to me how to do it? What should they be doing with their mouths and tongues and what should they be touching? I do touch myself a master but obviously not with my mouth so I don't know what to do Okay, you've a lot of questions here. Let's start with telling them what to do You say that you masturbate which is amazing because that is the very first step in knowing your body Because if you don't know what you like sexually it can be impossible to explain to someone what you do want You say that you masturbate, which is amazing because that is the very first step in knowing your body. Because if you don't know what you like sexually, it can be impossible to explain to someone what you do want.

Make sense, right? They're not mind readers. They don't know. And you're for diagnosed like a snowflake. Everyone is different. So, every time someone's with you, they have to learn your body as well. So masturbate, use a mirror, do some self-exploration and actually take a look at your body parts so you can explain to a partner what feels good. That's the way it's going to happen, okay? Exploring through your partners sounds like you're with partners who want to know. In fact, I only want to be with partners who really want to know. If there's a partner who is not interested in my clitoris, I'm not interested in them.

So you can say, you know, right now, I'm exploring this thing with touch. You know, look what happens here. I start to rub my pubic mound or my labia and look how it starts to swell a little bit. Maybe you could take your finger and circular motions. Let's try that. And you could even talk together like a play by play. You can share some information that you learned

in this episode. A lot of couples listen to my show together. I just want to remind all of you that you are not in this alone. You not have to be the one that is saving your relationship or trying to be the leader and figure out the sex for both of you. You're both in it together. It's like you're on a team. You're on a sex team and you're both on the team and you're both the one to win.

That's what you want to be with, okay? So you don't do it all on your own. The taste aspect, your vagina is fine. This is also in your head. But remember, they clean themselves. It's a beautiful part of you, your vagina, your vulva, get familiar with it. And you know what, listen,

you can discuss with your partner as well. Let them know that you get insecure, confused. You could even say, let me know if anything's ever off. All I can tell you is the facts, the facts are, you are clean, you can take a shower beforehand, all those things, but our vaginas are fine, they're healthy, they're totally safe to lick and get into, okay? So most times, we have to start loving our volvas before anyone else will, but they could also help you come along on this journey.

Now, how to know if you've orgasmed? Well, typically you're going to feel some tension, then you're going to feel a little bit of release, then this like euphoria, you'll feel a little calm and happy and relaxed. Your breath and your heart rate changes when you are aroused. So you'll start to feel maybe your face will flush, your breath will quicken, and you're going to feel your pelvic floor muscles spasm. Those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. So those are some of the signs, the physiological signs, that you'll know that you've orgasmed.

And yes, many times it feels like you have to pee. Which is why I think a lot of love owners do not orgasm because they're afraid they're going to pee. And listen, if you do pee, so what? They'll towel down, not a big deal, wash the sheets. But I get it, It can feel a little bit uncomfortable at first. So I would just take some time, keep masturbating, figuring out your own orgasm. So when you do know, and you're with a partner, you can explain to them, like, oh, this is

when the orgasm happens. Again, though, I love this with couples and mutual masturbation. It's also great to sew each other, but you both like. Okay, let's move into squirting. So squirting is, you know, essentially stimulating your G-spot or your G-area at the same time as clitoral stimulation. So your G-spot is next to your skin's gland. So stimulating your skin's gland, which is kind of internal. That's where the fluids come from and your clitoral system can be the key to squirting. We did a great

episode on it with Deborah Sundahl. It's called Squirting Secrets with Deborah Sundahl. Or you can check out our articles, how do I actually start squirting. But just know that it has to do with internal G-spot stimulation either with a finger, a penis, or a toy. Now it also really helps to already have a clitoral orgasm or to be aroused or stimulating both at the same time. You can also indirectly stimulate over your pubic mound, which is the area with pubic care. If you have pubic care or had pubic care above your clitoris, that whole

area, if you apply pressure to it, it will indirectly stimulate the G spot as well. So really just takes practice and it takes finding that G spot, which is about two thirds inside your vaginal opening, come Heather motion toward your belly button. But again, listen to the Deborah Sundell episode because you will find out everything you can know about squirting, we can also put it in the show-n-ups.

All right, Carmen, thank you so much for your question. So this is from Kelsey. Hi, Dr. Emily. My husband, I you so much for your question. So this is from Kelsey. Hi, Dr. Emily. My husband, I've been married for 14 years and he's never gone down to me. I've asked and asked and he always says he just doesn't like it. It makes me feel self-conscious, like there's something wrong with me. Recently we started listening to your show and we've been trying to communicate better. I asked him why he won't go down to me and he said he's scared of good HPV and that's

the only reason why. This sounds like a really weird down to me and he said he scared a good HPV and that's the only reason why This sounds like you're really great excuse to be can you help me? Okay, so 14 years in I think this is time for one of those Conversations outside the bedroom It's sort of like a state of the union But it's like the state of your sex life and you can say to him. I want to grow together I want to be great lovers to each other. Let's talk about our sex life. You can talk about some of the highlights, things that you both love about your sex life. You can have about three things that are really great

for you. You can talk about areas of growth. And you can tell them that it's, I really enjoy oral sex. It's a really important part of my own eroticism and my own turn-ons. Is there something that we can do to make oral experience more comfortable for you? So you can provide oral. I understand these worry about HPV, but you're married. You've been together for 14 years. You're having sex. You kiss. You do everything else. He might already have HPV. It's very, very common, but listen, it's already going to happen. It's very, very common, but listen, it's already gonna happen. It's not just the isolated oral sex in, you know, that he's gonna get HPV.

So that's actually not correct. And in the best possible way, I would share that with him and kind of get beneath it and say, okay, but if it's not HPV, let's talk about what else it might be because maybe he had an earlier experience with oral sex where it wasn't pleasurable, maybe something happened, maybe he's not sure what he's doing, like, you know, maybe he's got some trauma around Oral that he just hasn't been able to tell you. I don't know, but I feel like it's

your husband of 14 years and if he understood how important it was for you, that he would find a way to do it. Now remember, there's also dental dam dams which to be honest, a dental dam has a saran wrap that goes over the labia and the vulva while you're performing oral. And I got to say it feels really really good because we talk about all those nerve endings and when you put something over it, it stimulates the nerve endings, it gets kind of hot inside like literally the temperature rises because you're using like this condom material over your vulva. So if that's his concern, I would get a dental dam or cut a condom in half into a lies flat, right? The size that goes over a vulva. So I would try some of that out and have a real talk about it. Remember, you've been together 14 years, so it might take a few conversations and you just want to be curious and you want to be open and you don't want to be like judgmental and you want to listen to what he says.

Even take notes, you could even like repeat back to him. What he says, I have a great guide in my site, the 3T's, the communication at sexwithm.com. It's my free guide on the site that's really helpful for having any of these conversations about sex that are not easy to have, which is most of them. I also think a great exercise for both of you, Kelsey would be to do our yes, no, maybe less. It's another free downloadable guide at sexwithm.com. And after 14 years, I think it would be so great

if you guys do it together, has all these sex acts, what are your yeses, what are your nose, what are your maybe's, everything's on their dirty talk spanking, oral sex, anal sex, and you might find that there's some areas that you both have yeses to that you had no idea about. And it's gonna help start the conversation so it's not just focused on oral. Listen, every couple is gonna benefit from doing this list

because it helps facilitate the conversation. You don't have to come up with all the things on your own, and you're both going to learn what you're into, not only personally, but as a couple. It just gives you all these new ways to explore together, which is what I'm all about. Alright, best of luck to you, Kyle. See, you've got this. This is from Michael61 in Canada. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show and the sparkly excitement you bring to your listeners through your kind voice. I also seriously love giving and getting oral. However, I'm having a challenge that I'm not sure is unique to me.

It's just my personal hang up. Or is this a common theme? So my wife and I enjoy great sex together. Yet I'm having increasing trouble going down because of this. She wipes her bum from down between her legs back to front after a poop. Been doing it that way her whole life, what makes it worse, for me, her morning routine is to leave on a bed and go straight to the shower, towel off,

then unload a big number two. Both of these combined habits are so very opposite to the way I manage hygiene and I can't get past it. Who would ever want to go down to me if they believed I went from back to front, towards my junk? I know she loves receiving oral as much as I love giving. But the opportunities to catch your horny and clean are impossibly limited. I need some ideas from a female's point of view.

I've tempted a few ways of gently communicating this with her, but she's not receiving the message, please help. All right, I haven't heard this one before, Michael. I have not. I'm sure everyone's got their hangups, but just remember this, if you have a vulva, your urethra and your anus are living in tight quarters, which means you have the chances of spreading bacteria

to your urethra, which can cause a UTI. The chances of you getting one are a lot higher if you spread the bacteria. So unless she has any physical limitations that are preventing her from doing so, just reach around behind your body, behind your back and through your legs. So this position allows you to wipe your anus from front to back, ensuring that all feces and fecal matter is moving away from your urethra, same towards the back. I'm going to assume she's about your age, JV in her 50s or 60s. She has her entire life of going to the bathroom and be once or twice a day doing it one way.

And you all know that changing a behavior pattern is not easy. Like, I try all the time to close cupboards in my kitchen. Like, I leave cupboards open. I'm doing my whole life. I then like, close the cupboards, close the cupboards, or take your shoes off, or like, make sure that I don't speak with two hands all the time. Just one hand when I'm speaking publicly.

Like, I try to change my behaviors all the time. And it is so hard. I've posted notes, you know, to change little behaviors that shouldn't be that hard. This is the big one because she's been doing it her whole life. Okay. I'm just reinforcing to you that like literally twice a day for 50 years, this is what she does. It doesn't mean that it's right, but that's what she does. So you said to me that you tried to communicate with her gently and it didn't work. So now I think we got to make it a little bit more direct and focused but still gentle. I think the next time that you're hanging out, you're having a meal, maybe you're having a glass of wine, you say, babe, I gotta talk to you about

something. I want to take one of sex life. I realize that we haven't talked about it a lot lately or maybe yeah, but let's talk about some things that were really into and some things we want to change. Maybe you could say like one of the three most memorable times you had sex and you could share that Maybe you've got some other things you'd like to try more of but you could also say just Bringing it and say listen. I got to talk to you at something and I it's really uncomfortable And I want you know how much I love you and I love your body and I love sex, but I've noticed that when you go to the bathroom you wipe from back to front and I want you to know how much I love you, and I love your body, and I love sex, but I've noticed that when you go to the bathroom, you wipe from back to front. And I have a really strong version of this because I know that you can get infections that way, and I've heard something

else on the news the other day. I was reading something like, you could let her know, give her some of the facts. Like, it's really not healthy for her hygiene. And you can say, and I love going down on you, and I just know that it's not good for me to have any of that fecal matter in my mouth. It's not healthy because then I can't kiss you. I mean, you guys, this is straight forward sex. Like, if you're having anal sex, for example, you can have a penis in your anus and go in your vagina. Like, you just can't. This is hygiene 101. And if you've been together and it's your wife, I just have to tell you that she might feel uncomfortable. You might end up coddled or she might get upset.

I don't know how she deals with feedback like this. But it's very loving and it has to do with her hygiene and truly there can be other factions that arise. Because if you go down in her, you could get an infection from blicking any fecal matter that I could have gotten into her vagina. So it's well, it's not pleasant, well, it's not a fun conversation,

and it's not a sexy conversation, it's not a fun conversation, and it's not a sexy conversation. It's definitely one that needs to happen, giving her the facts about infection and about hygiene. So the compliment sandwich works really well here too, where you say, babe, I want to talk to you about, God, I love our years together. I really love making out with you.

I love watching you orgasm. And then that's where you go to the middle part where you say, and I've noticed that when you wipe, you go from back to front. I'm concerned about it. You can see all the things that you said. And then you can end it to last part of the sandwiches. And I just want to continue to be amazing lovers to each other.

I want to make you come three times from my mouth. You know, like I can't wait to do moral sex in you. I want to do oral sex in you every day. Let's try to deal with this hygiene part, shall we? So we can both keep doing this for many more years to come without infection. Let me know that goes, Michael. We're here for you.

This is from Nora 59 in Chicago. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a cisgender hetero female and I've never enjoyed receiving oral but I'd like to. One thing that makes it even harder to enjoy is that my boyfriend's short beard feels like a brillo pack. Heanoid's giving but I can only handle it for a short while and my skin feels all scratched up. He uses a conditioner as a beard to make it softer

but it doesn't work any suggestions. Well, you could talk this through with your partner. You know, maybe he's this through with your partner. You know, maybe he's going too close to you. He could use his tongue and maybe use some more hands, more fingers, more loops. Also, you could use a dental dam, which is kind of like a condom,

but it's made to go over the vulva because then you won't get a scratchy. But beard burn is a real thing, and usually it's a certain length of the beard. If the beard grows a little bit more, but I love that he's conditioning it, but it can really like you can get beard burn and it can be itchy and painful. So unless your partner is willing to shave, I would just try to work around it again with the dental dam. You could also do some face sitting. You could sit in your partner's face and then you could kind of control more where you are putting your body, right, which is one of the face kneeling, but you're in charge of

the back and forth and the motions and you could kind of lower yourself onto them and sort of maybe avoid the beard and be more focused on the tongue and his mouth. Because remember, it's all about the lips too. So sorry, this is happening. Because it doesn't feel good. So I say he grows his beard longer or he shapes it or he do some of these work around. Okay? Great question, Nora.

No one wants that. Let's work it out. Thanks for your question. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize

your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-8255739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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