Sex With Emily - Best of: Orgasms & Hotline Calls

Episode Date: June 25, 2022

Despite their reputation as magical, mysterious events, orgasms are way more accessible than most of us realize, once we understand the science behind them. (And OK yeah, I admit – they’re pretty magical.)As everyone’s favorite muscle spasm, the orgasm is a series of contractions from your pelvic floor muscles, which all of us have, and all of us can strengthen. But what else sets you up for orgasmic success? What if you can experience one alone, but not with a partner? What if you can orgasm in your sleep, but not in waking life? And what if you want to experience different kinds of orgasm (like anal) or, want multiples? I say: be greedy with your orgasm and listen to this best of episode, where we answer all these O questions and more.   Show Notes:6 Kink Styles (& How to Explore Them) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, we all know that only 30% of women actually have orgasms during intercourse. And so what I think this whole conversation should be about is women specifically understanding that the clitoris for a lot of women, if they have clitoral stimulation, they're more likely to have an internal orgasm during sex or during anything else. It can just help to knock out that clitoral orgasm and then the whole internal area, the G-Spot, if you believe in that kind of thing, becomes more encouraged and that's easier to have orgasms. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Despite their reputation as magical,

mysterious events, orgasms are way more accessible than most of us realize, once we understand the science behind them, and, okay, yeah, I admit, they're pretty magical. As everyone's favorite muscle spasm, the orgasm is a series of contractions from your pelvic floor muscles, which all of us have, and all of us can strengthen. But what else sets you up for orgasmic success? What if you can experience one alone, but not with a partner? and all of us can strengthen. But what else sets you up for orgasmic success?

What if you can experience one alone, but not with a partner? What if you can orgasm in your sleep, but not in a waking life? And what if you want to experience different kinds of orgasm like anal or want multiples? I say be greedy with your orgasm and listen to this best of episode

where we answer all those O questions and more. For each episode, join me in sending in attention for the episode. When you want to learn from this episode, when do you want to get out of it? Well, my intention is to help you experience this part of sexual pleasure with both confidence and more knowledge about what your body needs to have the sensations you want. In other words, my intention is to help you unleash your orgasmic potential. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Six Kink Styles and how to explore them is up at sexwithemlee.com.

Oh, check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok all at set with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me. Sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex 559 825 5739. And please always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show, and totally cool to change your name or remain anonymous. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. These are ways that we perpetuate the orgasm gap that we never realized, according to

a psychologist. So you know I talk a lot about the orgasm gap in the sense of, God, men orgasm way more often than women, and also women need longer to achieve orgasm and sex only lasts between 16 minutes typically and have our sexual couples and women take about 20 minutes to orgasm and there is a gap. Another way to think about the gap is that there is this thing that is suddenly penetrated through society about vaginal penetration. We are pressured, women are taught from a young age and men that if we don't orgasm through vaginal penetration, a man's taking his penis

in my vagina. And I don't have an orgasm. There is something that's wrong with me. I am broken because that's just how sex is. So here's a few ways that they show that this is why we believe this is that pop culture depicts women orgasming through penetration. So think about it. Everything we've seen in porn, mainstream movies, there's a few seconds of thrusting, and all of a sudden, like a woman's having

an orgasm, and they're, they roll over and everything's amazing. And so we believe that something is wrong with us if that doesn't happen. The other thing is, the proportion of women who orgasm through penetration is way overestimated. I mean, I've told you this guys many times, it only 30% of women can orgasm through penetration alone. And there's other studies that say it's only like 15%. Bottom line, women need their clitoris stimulated. It is a different deal.

Because the next point is female genitalia, since we can remember in our lifetimes, have been defined by the vagina. So the socialization teaches women that we should work as a through-and-a-course begins at that time in our lives. When we are small children, and we're like, men have a penis and women have a vagina.

So nobody talks about the fact that actually, the clitoris is something very different than the vagina. Because we hear penis vagina and then we hear sex. So we think penis goes in vagina and that's sex. And this is kind of analogous to telling a child that the nose is for both eating and breathing since the nose and the mouth are on the face, which kind of reminds me of like the Volvo, which is the exterior to the vagina and the internal. So you can see why we all just assume that the vagina is where the magic happens.

And really for a lot of women, it's the clitoris, the Volvo. And then finally, guys, I'm going to say that this is true that male pleasure is simply valued over female pleasure. Again, this has to do with society. And this comes down to the way we have defined sex in a way that really favors male sexual pleasure over female sexual pleasure. And so in a study in the journal of human sexuality, they found that 63% of college men, but only 44% of women received oral sex during their last hookups.

So men are getting blow jobs after them right, and women not so much. So I think that we're always seeing like talking about the blow job is women feeling like they owe men oral sex. And guess what? That's really not the much. So I think that we're always seeing like talking about the blow job is women feel like they owe men or all sucks. And guess what? That's really not the case. So let's close that orgasm gap. Shall we? So you guys listen, so I think you can see this really hit close to home. And I hope it really made you think and think about wow, there is this gap. I have not been having the orgasms I want to have. Do you feel like your orgasms have been gaped? Do you feel like you have not received your do-fit, your do-a-mount of orgasms? Because you can see here you guys it's really just the way that we've been socialized. It's really deeply ingrained to who we are

From a very young age you guys this is in no way bashing men I don't think you know any better like I wouldn't know. I believed all of these things at one point that I was broken because I wasn't having orgasms through intercourse, so I get it. So I want to hear from you though. Is there with, do you think that you've missed out at some orgasms because of this men or women? Does this make sense to you?

Does this resonate? Okay, let's talk to T43 in Arkansas. What's going on? Thanks for calling. It's been married for a long time, and my spouse just never really is interested in trying to, you know, climax. She'll like get excited. She'll get, you know, into it, but it's like, oh, I've just got to stop before we get there. Like, she ever had an orgasm before? I'm not exactly sure.

I don't think so. So it's not like she was having them and now she's stopping herself. We don't even know if she's had one. Right, that's the thing. I don't know that she ever has. Okay. Well, then that's the thing. So she doesn't know what it feels like to have one. She's probably feeling pressure. I would have a real honest conversation with her tea about your sex life outside the bedroom when you're hanging out, whenever you have conversations

and you want to keep it curious and you want to keep it light and supportive and just say, I want to talk about our intimate life. I think it would be really hot to see you, you know, having orgasm and to really turn you on. I want to make sure I'm doing everything to get you there. Can you tell me what really arouses you, what turns you on? And she might say, I'm not talking about this, it's been 20 years, why are you asking me now? And you're like, well, because it's important, we have to be intimate. And then you could say, like, I'd love to make you orgasm, and then you can ask her if she's had an orgasm, and you just keep very curious and non-judgmental, and see what she says. A lot of women have never

had one, because they assume they're going to have it through penetration, but most women don't have it through a penis, They have it through masturbation or through oral sex or through fingers or a toy. Yeah. Well, and she's really, you know, opened up more for the oral, you know, than even in the end. Okay. Awesome. And so, I mean, she's good with that. And even of late, in the last, I'd say, of late

last year, is she'll say, hey, do this or do that. That really feels good. So it's like there has been some progress, but it's just I just have always and we've always had a good relation, but it's always kind of strange to me. I'm like, man, why do you not really want to try to get there? Well, maybe she's never had one and she feels like like, all of a sudden, maybe she feels like she's about to and she stops at something that women do sometimes. We like, oh, block ourselves. So maybe you could say, I'll be here all night.

I'll do whatever you want. Like, I want to see you, or like, let's get you there. Like, I think it would be really hot because maybe she's like, some women feel like they have to pee and then they get embarrassed and it's like, because you're stimulating the same area. So you just got to maybe calm our nerves and tell her you think it'd be fun

to kind of get there together. They kind of relax her nerves around it, because if she's stopping, there must be a reason. And I'm not sure what it is. Yeah. Well, and it could be, I mean, it really could be,

you know, just the fear of the unknown somewhat. Yes. And- It's a losing control. You know, you lose control when you have an orgasm. You kind of let go and you're like, oh my God, maybe she's afraid of that. Maybe she's a orgasm once and... Probably, feel true to that.

I think they're probably real true to that. Well, that's very interesting. I appreciate the advice and hopefully maybe I can have that conversation at a time. Yeah. Think about my three teas of communication, timing, tone, and turf. We also have a great guide on our site, our communication guide, and just a reminder how much you love her,

how hot you think it would be to watch her orgasm. As for she needs anything from you to feel comfortable to let go and just finish with you, this should help you take that next step and help gather there and have more pleasure. So just let me know how it goes and thank you so much for calling. Okay, she's 26 from New Jersey

and she's feeling frustrated with her sex life. It is looking for tips to help her orgasm more often. Hey Kay, thanks for calling. Hi Emily, I'm so excited to talk to you. I'm excited to talk to you too. I want to help you with this orgasm-less sex life. So, tell me a little bit more about what's going on. So, okay, I don't have any problems orgasming myself.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for seven years, and I've had many partners before him, and I've just never been able to orgasm-m during sex ever. And it only happened with him one time and that was when we probably did about 40 minutes of four places. Very extensive. So that sounds about right. We'll see that every. Yeah.

But obviously we're not able to do that every time. So it's kind of, I guess it's more about me getting out of my head, and I just don't know how to do it, and I've been trying so hard. Yeah, it sounds like it. It sounds like it's seven years, and yeah, no, this is good. So you can definitely orgasm alone when you're masturbating, no problem. Yeah, no problem at all. And how do you do that?

Do you... Actually, for the most part, I'll either use toys, or I'll just do it in the shower with the shower head. Right. Okay. That's cool. You can do it. Usually it's with a toy, though, not your hands.

Yeah. Okay, which is totally right. You do realize, K, that you're like most women on the planet. 70% that can't have orgasms with their partner without, you know, on the road. Like with like the first second time or after seven years, they need to kind of work on this. So nothing's wrong with you. Like I hope you know that. Like this is just like one of the most common challenges women have because we're told, like I was actually just talking about the 50 shades of gray. I'm like the first time she

has sex, she has an orgasm. Multiple orgasms every time, right? Did you read it? I'm like, yeah. This is like 20 seconds. Yeah, in 20 seconds. She explodes around him in a puddle of orgasm. I'm like, a lucky you bitch. So, okay, so you're less like a lot of women,

including myself, I was not able to orgasm until I worked on it with a partner. So, I think that with your guy, so he's cool with it, right? He obviously knows that you haven't been able to orgasm during sex during intercourse. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. And what have you tried using toys with him? I have.

Have you ever tried just like a literal vibe? Like, I think that it just means that you need more clitoral stimulation during sex. You could probably warm you up with oral that time that you had 4.5, 40 minutes. What did that include, that foreplay? The one time that it had four point of forty minutes would that include that for play the one time that happened you mean yeah so we actually did couple of messages uh... and he was doing like a lot of teasing so i had like a blindfold on so that i was able to see whatever he was about to do

uh... and he actually made his own restraints for his bed so i thought that was amazing and i got yeah i said no own restraints for his bed. So I thought that was amazing. And God. Yeah. I just had no other things. Right. No, some teasing. Okay. So you need that. Okay. This is so good. I'm so glad I asked this question. God, because it sounds like you need that book. Like many people, you need that build up and that tension and that was really hot for you where he like touched you and then he kind of pulled back pulled back. And then he came towards you and then you didn't know what was happening and he was in control.

Exactly. And so how can we incorporate that into your sex life or maybe it doesn't have to be a whole elaborate, maybe you didn't need the massage before for 10 minutes, but there's some kind of restraint play. I'm not saying every single time, but he could just use also sports sheets makes these great Velcro coughs. I have on my website that you could just like literally they're ready to go or the underbed restraints, they live under your bed

and they're always there, like ready to use. So that would be one thing. So it sounds like you know what turned you on. The teasing and the build up is a huge part of a rousal. So it sounds like you need some of that. That makes sense. And then having sex with them again, I would try using just like a little, if you use a bullet vibex, something like you just might need that extra stimulation on your clitoris just so you know that it can happen. But I think that what he was doing there with the teasing is going to help you. And then the other thing is, you can also orgasm in the shower. Have you ever thought of taking a shower with him and using the shower head?

So we have, yeah. So we have. So we have a couple times and I don't know if it's just me being self conscious but I just cannot like pull the shower head down and just like do it myself. I think it's because maybe I've only orgasmed in front of him one time that I'm just so nervous about getting to that point with him and it makes him feel like he's not doing a good job and then I feel horrible. So I keep telling him it's not 100% like his responsibility that it's like a it's not it is it is but so he even felt did he feel bad in the shower because you didn't orgasm or he just didn't even

want to see that like it's sometimes uncomfortable for guys to see when we're using like a toy or using the shower head because he's like what am I doing? Is that what you're saying? You know he's actually really comfortable with using toys. He actually bought me my first one. Okay. Yeah, so he's totally open to that. But he he won't say anything like if I don't you know try to like do things myself but then I feel't, you know, try to, I guess, do things myself, but then I feel bad that, you know, that I didn't speak up because I feel like once we're actually getting into it and I'm very quiet and I don't speak up, then.

Right. It's hard to do. Like, afterwards. Right. Okay. I think you just got to have that toy by your bed. Have some Lou. I mean, definitely tell them how hot you thought the restraints were.

And maybe get some ease. Like you said, you did some DIY restraints. I would just like, do you see good on our website? We have a store or such, then we need to look up some loot. I mean, definitely tell him how hot you thought the restraints were. Maybe get some ease. You said he did some DIY restraints. I would just like, seriously, go to our website. We have a store, such as Emily and you just look up sports sheets or there's a banner on our site. You can click through to their site and see everything. And they're like reasonably priced. They're like, they'll grow like literally.

It's so easy. So maybe a little more of that. But then also, I would all say mutual masturbation. Have you guys, because you said you're uncomfortable like masturbating in front of him, but what if he's masturbating and you're masturbating and you're checking out what he's doing, he's checking you out, or maybe you're just getting into your own body

and then you're, then you get more comfortable masturbating around him, that could be a good entree into that. So these are a few things you could pay with. Okay, yeah, I thought about that too, but I think it's just that self-conscious feeling that like I just can't jump ahead and do it. I just can't get out of my own head to stop being so self-conscious. Right.

Okay, so getting out of your head is really just, honestly, it's focusing on your breath. So the second you start having those thoughts like, oh my God, I'm not going to come, not going to come, because that is can kind of be our orgasm blocking yourself, is that you go back to your breath. Go back to your breath and go back to breathing your breath like really far down to your pelvic floor like really like like deep breaths and just feeling it because that's where like a lot of our energy is stored and like pumping like your kegge muscles if that makes you feel good and just like getting like the second you have that thought it's like training

the mind to go back to whatever you're feeling in your body. You're like okay I'm having that thought it might not orgasm and then you go back to your breath and go back whatever you're feeling in your body. You're like, okay, I'm having that thought. It might not orgasm. And then you go back to your breath and go back to like the sensations in your body. Like if you can keep going back to that or if there's like a fantasy that you think about when you're masturbating, that could be a really good one too. Do you have a go-to fantasy? Okay. There's nothing wrong with that.

I have a go-to, but I can actually just kind of make up scenarios in my head, but I really can't really go to. Okay. I'm actually just kind of makeup scenarios in my head, but I really want to go to. Okay, so if you're able to think of fantasy is a huge part of a rousal for women as well, that I think that, and even if it's not about your partner, like you don't need to give them play by play, it's not cheating. Whatever comes to mind, if you could just say,

if you're having one of those thoughts, it's not gonna happen, or self-defeating, go think about fantasy, think about your breath. Like, anything, the second that comes in your mind, transfer it back to your body, or transfer it to a fantasy, think about your breath. Like, anything, the second that comes in your mind, transfer it back to your body, or transfer it to a fantasy, and then your mind will be on board with the sex more. It's just a training.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. That's a really good idea. Yeah, try that. Okay, let me know how it goes. I know I'm saying that I really want people to let me know. I want you to go orgasm, but you will. I think it's like, you're at the point seven years,

this will happen for you, okay. Like, you've talked about it, you've got all the tools, you did it once, like, it's, you're at the point seven years. This will happen for you. Okay. Like you've talked about it. You've got all the tools. You did it once. Like it's you're so not far from there. So. Okay. Okay. Yeah. We've got this. Thanks for calling. Thank you so much for all your advice. Oh, you're welcome. Okay. Don't go anywhere. After the break, I help Laura get to the bottom of why her girlfriend is struggling to orgasm. Okay, this is from Dexter 48 in Florida. Dear Emily, according to recent books, literal orgasms seem to be the holy grail of orgasms.

Previously, people were encouraged to explore the G-Spot, the U-Spot, and A-Spal orgasms seem to be the holy grail of orgasms. Previously, people were encouraged to explore the G-spot, the U-spot, and A-spot orgasms. Now it's being said that there's no such thing as vaginal orgasms and that searching for the G-spot is a waste of time. What are your thoughts on this? Dexter. Okay, why do these studies keep coming up? You guys, there's been so many studies that the G-spot exists. It doesn't exist. Now, I happen to know that a lot of women are going to tell you otherwise. I can assure you that all these companies too that make these G-spot exists, it doesn't exist. Now, I happen to know that a lot of women are gonna tell you otherwise. I can assure you that all these companies too, that make these G-spot toys,

and just kinda hit this sweet spot, they're probably not wrong either. But the fact that time, it's just very, very misunderstood, and that there's really no such thing as a wrong kind of orgasm. Some women have literal orgasms. Someone can only have internal exor orgasms called the G-spot, the A-spot, the U-spot.

But I think the most important thing is that women, you know, by the way, I think you prioritize and figure out what works for them and find out where their pleasure is. Then go in that direction. You know, I think the clitoris is confusing. It's not just that little button that has 8,000 nerve endings. There's also, you know, those nerve endings extend inside. There's internal nerves. So if you want to say, oh, well, maybe that's actually what's happening. The other reason why this is a debate, I think,

is because so many women have this expectation that during penetration, they should have an orgasm. And if they don't, something's wrong with them. They're broken. They're missing some kind of like super power. Well, we all know that only 30% of women actually have orgasms during intercourse.

And so what I think this whole conversation should be about is women specifically understanding that the clitoris for a lot of women, if they have clitoral stimulation, they're more likely to have an internal orgasm during sex or during anything else. It can just help to knock out that clitoral orgasm and then the whole internal area, the G-spot, if you believe in that kind of thing, it becomes more engorged and that's easier to have orgasms. So my thoughts to you Dexter is if you're with a woman, just pay attention to what she needs, what she wants, have talked to her and figure out her hotspots. I'm sure she will guide you or you guys can go exploring together.

We have so much potential for pleasure guys, so just keep searching. Let's talk to Laura, 28 in California, who has some questions about her girlfriend, not being able to orgasm. Hi, Emily, thanks for taking my call. Of course. I had called like six weeks ago, so I just wanted to say thank you for that conversation.

I was asking how to make a move with Noah. Yes, I remember. Yeah, you told me to just ask, can I kiss you? And I did that and it was great. Oh my God, and 60 Slater. You're so welcome. Sometimes you just got to ask. It's a good move, right? Awesome. Okay. Well, I'm glad that helped and glad you're coming. I'm going super well. Yeah, I mean, we're like a great match in a lot of ways and we're exploring like kink together and having open conversations about what we like and want to try, but she doesn't come with partners and that's like her thing. Okay. And we're still, you know, doing our thing, having fun, exploring.

But I guess I'm just trying to figure out is there anything I can do to support her in maybe being able to move through that? Yeah. So she's never orgasmed from anything you've done to her. So you've never seen orgasm yet? Right. I mean, I've definitely seen her like,

I don't know how to call this, but when there's just more lubrication. Right. She's been I've definitely seen her like, I don't know how to call this, but like when there's like just more lubrication, right? She's been around. Yeah, she's been turned on or make yeah. Yeah, so Asher, I have a like an Appointing I'm quite not mean if you're asked her why she thinks that is or she just like that too. I am I don't come with a partner I asked one of your questions that you probably told other people to try

of like what works for you when you're alone. Yeah. And she said, it's nothing you're doing or not doing, it's just I'm in my head. Oh, okay. And then she bit in other relationships before with women. I think she's newer to it.

I think what would be really cool is if you guys had a night at home where you guys are playing around and do some mutual masturbation Because that is such a good if she's comfortable with that which I hope she would be You know when you're both kind of getting off then it's it's hot because then you're looking at her get herself off But then also you're seeing what she actually does And how she touches herself and and I know she might say no, I can't even have anyone in the room

touches herself and I know she might say, no, I can't even have anyone in the room, but I think that's a loving way for her to kind of try it out again without the pressure of orgasm. So that would be one way and I think she wants to be able to orgasm with someone. Let's just say it's not that she can't, she hasn't yet. And why she might not, I don't know, like maybe she has some shame around it or she's, you know, there's a million reasons like she could feel like she doesn't like her orgasm face or she's embarrassed. She has to use a vibrator every time or, or maybe she's never orgasmed for all we know.

So those are a few things, but then also she said she's in her head. And so when we're in our head, it's really important to, and you said you guys are getting into some kinky stuff, what's really, a lot of people who are into like BDSM and kinky stuff, it actually helps take them out of their head and into the moment because you're focusing on pleasure or pain, or roller playing, spanking or receiving or talking dirty. So you're really actually present. So that might help you. And then also just general mindfulness. Like you guys are like making eye contact,

breathing together, you're listening, all your, you engage, all your senses. So you've got a candle lit that smells great and got really sexy music. And you know, she's feeling the touch on your, you know, over hands on your body. And just practice slowing down and really being intimate together and maybe she can

help move through some of her mind stuff if she feels really connected and safe with you. Can I ask a follow-up question? Of course. Yeah, so I feel like we're trying all these things and I think we're both trying to kind of take the pressure off of like making sure she can figure out how to get there. Okay. But I guess in terms of the like mutual masturbation thing or supporting her in mindfulness, is there a way I can talk to her? Do you have a suggestion of what to say that might help her feel comfortable trying those things out.

Yeah, I think what you should say to her is next time you see her, not when you're in the bedroom, you guys are hanging out having dinner or you know breakfast to say you know what? I these six weeks have been amazing. I think I really love the connection we have and I know we've talked about this before but it would give me so much pleasure or it really turns me on or you know you'll know her language but I would love to go on a journey with you where we can figure out what turns you on. I mean I think it sounds like maybe you've said that because you said you already did the not-pressure thing but I think it's a matter of saying you're safe with me I think it would be really how without the pressure, but like I would really be turned on helping you have an orgasm and helping you get there. I think it would

really connect us even more and I want you know I'm here for you for anything and I think it'd be fun to try some new things out and if any time you don't feel comfortable, I think it'd be really hot to see how you touch yourself and we can light some candles, we can take a bath together, just kind of lowering it, your tone and just kind of making it more like, hey, what do you think about that? But I think it would be really hot

and without the goal of orgasm. How about the goal of exploration? Trying mutual masturbation, which one of those do you think she'd be into first? Maybe the mutual masturbation. Tell your listeners to the show, I heard this thing do you think she'd be into first? Um, maybe the mutual masturbation. Tell your listen to the show, I heard this thing and I think it would just be so great because I could, you know, see how you touch yourself that would turn me on, you can see what I do.

I think it'd be fun to play together. I love, you know, if you guys are into kinky stuff, to me, that would be something that she might be into because it's really hot and fun. So I think just putting it out there. But I think it's really just talking to her and letting her know that you just want to help her get there and all that and you support her. Find out more why. So yeah, I hope that helps. Okay. Yeah. Thanks for calling me back when it happens. We'll help you with the next things that come up because they always do. Okay. This is from a 27 year old female on Instagram. What's the best way to have multiple orgasms? The best way to do it is to first decide that you want to do it, because the good news

about having a vulva is that the majority of us who have one, and some people know it as the vagina, but the vulva is the external part of the vagina, we can have multiple orgasms. It is possible. In fact, our clitoris, which is responsible for majority of our orgasms, only exists for pleasure. It's only there. It has 8,000 nerve endings. The penis has 4,000 and it's only there to give you pleasure, which is pretty cool when you look at like biology and how we've evolved.

But the challenge is no one ever gave us an instruction manual. I was like, hey, you've got this love button and you can ride it all day. You're like, really? I don't know. I said one orgasm and I'm tired. So learning to have malt orgasms, like I believe that many women can. Now there's someone that can't. There's a few reasons why like women whose clitoris is a really sensitive,

typically can only have like really big internal orgasms, but I'm just going to go with the majority of women that can have multiples for this purpose and the time we have. Let's just talk about during masturbation because that's how I learned. I feel like so many of the ways that I've learned my body and I've learned how to become a better lover is by learning to become a better one to myself. So I was like you, I only had one orgasm and I was fine that I finally had one and then I was like you, I only had one orgasm and I was fine that I finally had one and then I was like, okay

And so what you do is you really just turn yourself on you masturbate how you always masturbate Touch yourself maybe you've one orgasm and then usually when you would stop after that orgasm You kind of pull your fingers away Maybe you start playing with your nipples using your hands all over your body rubbing your inner thighs You know just sort of taking away right from the clitoris or wherever you were rubbing. And then you start to breathe at the same time. And I'm talking like a deep breath with your like, like, way down to your pelvic floor, like you're feeling it go there and then you have a long exhale, like those deep breaths. And then you can

go back and start playing until maybe you're mixing up the way you were touching. Maybe if you're using a vibrator, you use it at a different part. Maybe you start to tease your labia because it's not just about the clitoris. Women have the ability to have orgasms in so many different ways. Like there's a lot of other erectile tissue that you find in the labia and near over your pubic mound, which is right above your vaginal opening. So it's just a practice of knowing that it's possible and then breathing. And so because our refractory period, meaning the time between orgasms for women is a lot shorter. Like for men, it can be like 24 hours for women, it can be 30 seconds, or a few minutes when you're learning to practice.

The other tip is doing your chagol exercises. You strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. Those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasms. The stronger those muscles are, the more likely you'll be able to have orgasms and multiple orgasms. Here's an email from Caitlin who's 25 in Texas. She writes, Hey Dr. Emily, I've loved listening to your show the past year.

I've been seeing this guy on and off casually for about that long. It's been mostly fun with benefits. I've never had orgasms with any guy I've been with from sex or oral. The same goes with this guy and he wants me to orgasm and he tries different positions and asks me what to do where to put his hand etc. I just can't get there. I know my own body very well. I masturbate regularly with no issues in the orgasm department, but get frustrated that even with my directions to guys I can't ever finish. But I think this is a mental thing, even though there's no past trauma or anything that

will cause that. Help a girl out to achieve orgasm. Thanks. Okay, Caitlin, here's what I got. This guy that you're seeing casually, funds benefits. Next time you guys see each other, I would say, oh, you know what I've been thinking? I've been thinking about how, you know, sometimes I try to show you what to do during sex and not to give me orgasm, because I orgasm, like I just masturbate today thinking about you and

I had a huge orgasm fantasizing about us together. And what I thought was, I think I'm getting into my head a little bit when I'm trying to show you and making me a little like, I don't know, I'm like, you know, orgasm, I'm blocking myself. Make it fun and just say, but I would love to kind of show you together, like maybe we could do some mutual masturbation where we're laying next to each other on the bed and you could watch me masturbate

and then I could watch you masturbate, which is really hot or maybe he just watches you first and you know, make it like, and then you could see what I'm doing because babe, I don't know how it explains you but wow, how would it be if you knew know knew how my body worked you could also say just let them know that and say so when I'm guiding you in the bedroom next time like I just want you know that I might be my head a little bit so so maybe you could just put your hand over his

and maybe he'll be more receptive knowing that it's a place of vulnerability for you. And I also think that if you are still getting in your head, this really is about being more mindful and going back to the moment, because I think if you have a real honest conversation with him, you won't be worried a much, because I think what you're probably thinking is, he's not doing it right, or he thinks I'm weird that I'm showing him,

and I'm afraid I'm not gonna orgasm, and he have all these things in your head. So if you clear that out, I had a time with with him and then you're more mindful of your thoughts, you can just go back to the moment and focus on like the pleasure that you're having, how he's trying to please you. Remember to breathe and remember a lot of his probably just figuring out what exactly kind of clitorial stimulation you require from him and he's learning too. So a little more easy and casual.

Thank you, Kaylyn! That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemley.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex.

That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. email me feedback at sexwithmleaf.com