Sex With Emily - Best Of: Ready to Get Naughty?

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

Let's face it: sex isn't just a switch you can flip on and off. It's more like a whole playlist of tension, arousal, body exploration, playful antics, and steamy teamwork — there’s a lot more than just the main event. So, what do you do when you're ready to get it on, but your body keeps hitting snooze? In today’s show, I’ll show you my favorite tips and tricks and address even the most perplexing arousal questions.  In this episode you’ll learn: My special trick for giving oral sex with a gag reflex How to deal with vaginismus Why communication can fix (almost) every sex problem Show Notes: Join me for a Sexual Wellness Weekend in Canyon Ranch! SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) For their buy 1 get 1 50% off deal, head to 3DayBlinds.com/SWE  The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

We have to be prepared that when we have these outside the bedroom conversations, which is the majority of sex conversations, that our partner many times are going to immediately go into like a panic, fight or flight mode. Because most of us are not used to people having conversations about sex with us, that we assume when they do, we've done something wrong, we're inadequate. So just be prepared for that. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's

frustrating but true. Sex isn't a button that we can automatically turn on and off. In fact, sex is a catch-all term for arousal, body exploration, play, and erotic collaboration. Not simply PIV penetration or penis goes in vagina. So, what do you do when you want the sex, you need the sex, but your body isn't on board? Or conversely, when their body isn't on board. Or conversely, when their body isn't on board. On today's show, we're taking a look at the body's response to sex and figuring out what to do when it shuts down. Say you've got a gag reflex around oral. Does that mean no blowjobs? Nah, I've got a trick for that. How about vaginismus when the vulva clenches so tightly at penetration that sex

is super painful? Well, I've got advice. Finally, let's talk about your partners. Is it kosher to use old toys with a new lover? How do you even broach the subject? And when you're newly married but the sex has serious problems, where do you turn? I say counseling. I mean, at the root of good sex is good communication and on today's episode we challenge everyone to articulate their needs and listen to their partners. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show. You can do it right now. It takes two seconds. It helps get the show out to more people. Thank you. I appreciate when you do that. You can also find me on all social media, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, TikTok, all the places.

It's at Sex With Emily. And check out my new articles, Seven Embarrassing Sex Questions, Masturbation Edition, and Seven Solo Sex Positions are up on SexWithEmily.com. One more thing before we get into the episode, I'm so excited to announce I'm doing something for the first time and I hope you'll join me. I am hosting an intimate women's retreat at Canyon Ranch Wellness Resort and Spa in

Tucson, Arizona from June 27th to June 30th, 2024. And we're going to spend four days and three nights together where I can answer your questions, have intimate discussions throughout the weekend about pleasure, sexuality, sexual intelligence. We're going to have a special retail pop-up experience having all my favorite product recommendations and I really hope you'll join me. I'm going to put a link in the show notes. You can also find more at sexwithemily.com slash live. Can't wait to see you. Enjoy the episode. All right, let's talk to Jeff. Hi, how are you, Jeff? Good, how are you? I'm good.

It's good to talk to you in person. I've been listening to you for years. Oh, I'm so glad. How can I help you? What's going on? Well, I am newly married, but it's not a conventional marriage. I did a kind of a 90 day fiance thing. Really? Yeah, because I live in Oklahoma and I'm from Atlanta, but I live in Oklahoma and it's very difficult to meet people here. And after seven

or so years of frustration, I decided I had to mix it up and do something different and go overseas. Yeah, so I did that. Okay. Wow. So you found her you found her through? I found her online through an international dating site. Great. Okay. Yeah. And we started talking in right before COVID November 2019. Okay, great. And she and her son moved here and we got the K1 visa and she and her son moved here. It has been quite the culture shock. She's Ukrainian by the way. I was gonna ask where she's from. She's Ukrainian. Okay and how old is she? She's 35. And how old are you? 53. Okay got it. So she's Ukrainian. She hadn't been here before. She had never been here before. Very different culture. Okay. Did you meet before she arrived?

Yes, I flew to Kiev and we took a vacation together. We went from Kiev to Barcelona and spent a week in Barcelona. And then our vacation got cut short because that was right when COVID was starting March of 2020. So I was supposed to go back to Ukraine with her and spend some more time with her, but I had to come back home. She went back to Ukraine and then we started the application for the K1 visa, which took like over a year. Okay.

That's the whole thing. So you're saying she's there now. So what's going on? I feel like we're, yeah, I feel like we're mismatched sexually and not just sexually, but that's what obviously I'm talking to you about. I was single for 12 years before we got married and you know, had my share of flings, even though that's not really who I am and who I, you know, I wanted to be remarried, you know, I got divorced.

So I kept trying to find my next wife, but I say that to say I've got a lot of experience. I don't pretend like I know everything about a woman because I know every woman's different. Oh my gosh. Like nothing that I do that I've done with previous women turns her on. Touching her nipples, touching her clitoris.

I mean, actually she hates that. She's not a big fan of receiving oral sex and I'm a big fan of giving it. Sometimes she likes it, but she's always like, I can take direction, but it's like constantly like moving my head and you know, and I'm just, and I'm just thinking why am I even bothering here if she's... Well, I'm trying to learn yeah she's trying to direct me and I'm trying to take direction but it's also frustrating because I think just when I think I've got it she's no I don't like that do this or hmm do you think is she into sex though does she like it when you're having sex is she she does but she can only orgasm in one position. It's the same position every single

time so for me it's gotten a little bit boring. Well that's that's common. Oh it is? Oh yeah yeah I mean there's a what position is it? On her stomach. Okay. Yeah. I mean that's everyone's most people have a position that they come in so um how comfortable is she around sex and like where she grew up? Do you know if she or her sexual history? I don't know much about her sexual history, actually. She's not very open about it. I asked her because I suspected we were on vacation together that maybe she had been abused because we were right in the middle of it. And she literally pushed me off of her and went into the bathroom and for like 10 minutes and I thought what

just happened here and we talked about it and she said she was just frustrated because she couldn't climax. And I thought, well, that's strange. I've never had that reaction before. Oh yeah. Well, okay. Well, it sounds like you guys are still getting to know each other and you said that there's other some issues that you're also not matched about because it's not sex isn't just like this thing that we can turn on and off. It's also

factors that do other things happening in the relationship. If there's ever if there's resentments or if there's depression or if she's on any medication or she's worried or about something or I don't I don't know but what else is going on? We have communication issues. In fact, we just went through like an intense three-day workshop. It was an online workshop, but it was for couples that were considering splitting up. And I don't think she realized how serious I was second guessing my decision to marry her, how serious the situation had become, because we just don't communicate enough. Our communication is what chores she wants me to do or can she buy this or that

because she can't work yet legally in this country. So it's always like surfacey, either chores or what are we gonna do? What are our plans for this or that? It's never like any deep conversation with her. Yeah, do you think she has experience having, do you think it's a language thing? Does she, how's her English? No, she's pretty fluent. I mean, obviously she's more fluent in

Russian, but, but she's pretty fluent. So I don't think it's that. Do you think, but I do think even though she calls herself a feminist, that actually brings me back to one of the arguments is because she views herself as a feminist and she is home now and I'm the one working. She's not like cooking or she cooks some, but she's not like, I wouldn't say she's like filling a even temporarily traditional role, which is what I would like her to do. Not permanently, but while she's not working. And so there's been a lot of tension over that.

Did you guys have any conversations about this before you got married about the expectations about how life would go down and what you wanted and what she wanted? We did, we did premarital counseling. I had a pastor who's a friend of mine go through it with us. Okay. And she said to you, I will be working, I will be cooking,

I will be taking care of you in that way, that's important to me. She's not exactly, I will be cooking, I will be taking care of you in that way. That's important to me. She's not exactly a, I think she's just not really much of a nurturer. No, she didn't really say I will be taking care of you. She didn't use those words. She thinks that everything should be split 50 50. And if she feels like I'm taking advantage, you know, she's just not going to do it. And I feel like I'm being used and taken advantage of because I'm the one working, earning all the money. I'm the one paying for her paperwork to, you know,

help her get established here and paying for her education so she can get a certification for a job. I'm doing all these things and I do little things for her. I buy her flowers and stuff and I just, I just, I'm not getting much back. Have you ever asked her what she needs from you? Yeah, that was part of this past weekend. What did you find out? I think she needs I think she needs words of affirmation. And I think she likes acts of service.

My top two love languages are quality time and acts of service. And I'm not really getting any either one. Okay, have you have you let her know what that would look like for you? I haven't exactly well I've spelled out the quality time it kind of comes out sideways because I get frustrated she'll be on her phone on social media when we're supposed to be spending time together and and I'm just like well I'm gonna I feel like I'm alone I might as well just be sitting here alone. Do you guys have an attraction? Do you have, I mean, do you love each other? Yeah.

Yeah, we do. Although I admit on my end, it's fading because I'm seeing who she is and I'm not sure of who she is, is who I wanna be with. Or if maybe, if I change some behaviors, some communication style, if she'll become more of who I wanna be with naturally, I don't know. I mean, I know I can't change her.

I can't make her change. Right. It's still really new. That's why I'm wondering if you guys could continue to go to counseling because I think that's really important. It sounds like you're having some fundamental challenges right now around a lot of things like just like lifestyle. She's adjusting to a new country.

It's a lot going on and you're also, you're supporting her, but maybe she's resentful for that. Maybe she wants to be more independent. Maybe she misses her home. I don't get that from her though. I don't get any of those from her really. I mean, I feel like she thinks she's entitled and that, you know, I'm doing what a man is supposed to do. So in some ways it's like she thinks traditionally and she's got pretty, you know, she's got good morals and all that. But in other ways, she's, in the ways that are meaningful to me,

she's not traditional. So it's kind of confusing for me at times. Well, it sounds like there's starting to be some like resentments on both sides. You're like, she's not really a feminist or she's saying she's a feminist. You have all these expectations and she's got some expectations. And really, that's what relationships are, understanding your partner's needs and really both actively wanting to work on the relationship and deepening

communication. And so I think that the sooner you guys get into it, you should go see a counselor together. We went to week. Okay, but I think it's ongoing for the next maybe few weeks and months and just see, I think you'll have your answer. Like you'll know if it's not meant to be and you guys aren't willing to make compromises to make it work, then I think you'll know. But it sounds like these are really fundamental. Like she thinks she's right. You think you're right. There's like nothing I can tell you right now that is going to be some magic formula to get her to, you know, want more sex. So I'm sorry that this is happening. And I think that sounds like just, you need to have some

more honest conversations with the help of a counselor. That's what it sounds like to me. Yeah. I just feel like I'm putting in all the work. Like the example I'll give you is this workshop I did all, we had homework every single day and I did all of it and she still hasn't finished it. And the workshop is over and we're homework every single day and I did all of it and she still hasn't finished it and the workshop is over and we're supposed to read a couple of different books on relationships and I've done all the reading and everything. Maybe you guys could do it together. Maybe that's not her thing. Like maybe for her like

you could have a date night where you guys are doing the exercises together. Yeah. You could read it together. Maybe she's not a big reader. Maybe she's the homework getting it done Oh, I do think it's I mean, I know it's challenging for her because English is her second language Even though she's fluent it like takes her longer to read That makes sense so I Don't know it sounds like she's kind of a procrastinator with that stuff and I'm keep telling her this is really important to me and with that stuff and I'm keep telling her, this is really important to me. And every time she procrastinates.

She probably resents that. I can tell you from being, I'm a procrastinator and what was really helpful for me is if somebody sits with me and says, okay, has a calm tone and say, this is important, what do you need to get this done? What would the first step be? And maybe they'll even sit with me while I do the homework. They sit with me while I read.

So maybe she needs to do it with you and make it fun, make it positive, not like you need to do this homework when I'm away, like you'd be like, fuck you, dad. You know? Yeah, I think that there maybe there's some tone things she needs to be nurtured a little bit. Sounds like she needs some words of affirmation, even when you don't feel like it, and maybe some more softness from you. Yeah. And I try to be playful, but she pushes me away. Playful in a way I know how to be playful you know with touching and things like that and she just you know she just yeah. I think you should ask her what's playful what's fun have her show you her favorite

movie or like what culturally is it maybe ask her do you ever ask her to cook for you or do something culturally that just get to know her on a deeper level then you'll be able to have deeper conversations. What was the hardest? You know, Esther Perel has a great card game. There's all these great questions that you can ask your partner about each other. You can ask about what their dreams and their hopes and what would they rather. I can't think of any questions right now, but there's a lot of great questions.

And that's what I'm looking for. Look it up. Esther Perel, we did a great podcast with her. She talks all about it. So that's what I got for you. Okay, Jeff, I would keep trying it, but just keeping honest and keep talking about it. Let me know how it goes. Okay. Thank you. Thanks, Jeff. Have a great night. Bye. All right. Bye. There's a lot of different card games out there now that you can with your partner,

you can ask the questions, get to know each other. But also, I mean, you guys know how to be about therapy. I think every couple needs therapy. Should be excited to have a therapist. Like you have a dentist, right? You go twice a year. I mean, you have a doctor, you have a mechanic. If your car breaks down, if you're having challenges communicating

your relationship and there's no budge room, there's no, your partner is 100% sure that they're right and you think you're You're never gonna get anywhere. So get some outside help and sometimes get your answers and if it's not meant to be it's better to find out Now than to wait years and years and years with somebody I think that the sooner we go into therapy, it's a much efficient faster way to figure out should we stay or should we go? This is from Lawrence 69 in California. Hey Dr. Emily, I had a long-term partner a while back who showed me how to use toys with her in the bedroom.

It obviously added a lot to her pleasure. Since then, I thought of introducing the idea of using toys to pleasure my partners, and I happened to have a new out-of-the-package one in my bed stand drawer ready for the right occasion. My question is, what's the best way to suggest using it? Do I reach for it ask her if she wants me to try it shape bring up the idea before we have sex if I keep It by my bed should I assume I'll need to toss it and buy a new one if we stop seeking each other I'm sure I'll have more questions. I'm not thinking of now. So please help me with any thoughts you have Alright Lawrence. I love this question

It is so common. We don't know what to do. How do you bring up these conversations? When it comes to toys remember this you want to have the conversation outside the bedroom first If you just bring a toy at a partner sometimes when you're in the moment, it might be Confusing she might not know why you brought it up She might never have used a toy so we can really avoid right now any of that awkwardness and just when you're hanging out, maybe you're at dinner or just having a good time, you could say I'd love to talk to you more about our sex life and what you're into. Have you ever used toys? Because I'm really into it, I think it's

really hot when you know my partners used toys in front of me. Is that something you'd be into? Really? And then you just listen to what she says. Maybe she'll say, no, I've never done that before. And say, tell me more about that. And maybe she'll want to try it, or maybe she'll have a lot more questions for you. We have to be prepared that when we have these outside

the bedroom conversations, which is the majority of sex conversations, that our partner many times are gonna immediately go into like a panic, fight or flight mode. Because most of us are not used to people having conversations about sex with us, that we assume when they do, we've done something wrong, we're inadequate. So just be prepared for that. So I'm picturing in your case, Lawrence, she might say, oh why do you want that? Am I not good enough? Do you not think I can have

orgasms? You know, you really have to say to her, no, I really have to tell you. I understand why these might be your concerns. But I think it's really sexy to help a woman feel so much pleasure in her body and using a toys really does that for me. So there's no pressure here. I just thought it might be something you're into. And if you're not also cool, let me know what you are into. So it's just a great way to start the conversation and who knows what else could come up. But I think it's important to definitely talk about toys before if you've never talked about them in the past. The next thing is, what do you do with old toys? There's a lot of things that I want to change about the sex conversation. You know that it's my mission.

And I wish that we could normalize keeping sex toys and using them with partners because toys are expensive. They're a big purchase and they are sanitary. You can clean them using toy cleaner or damp cloth. Some toys can be boiled. You got to check. It's a lot to throw at a toy but let me give you the other side of the coin. I understand that a lot of partners will be like, where's that thing been? Like, who were you using it with? And then automatically it comes to mind is the past partner. And then they can't stop thinking about the past partner

and here's a toy. So I would be really careful at first to make sure that you're using fresh toys. And if it's their first time, or maybe you have a partner who understands that toys can be sanitized and can be used across multiple partners. People do it all the time. People in open relationships. Think about it when you go to your doctor's office she's clearing

out instruments that have been used inside you view right or used all around you. They clean, they sanitize. So I'm just saying I understand the concern but also you got to be mindful of our partner. First let's just see if she's on board with the toys. That's a great question, thank you. After the break I talked to Corrine whose gab reflex is getting in the way of giving oral. Has this happened to you? Well I'll set you up for success when we come back. You know that privacy is essential for great sex. In fact a lack of privacy is one of the top factors

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How can I help you? So I have this issue where I have this very active gag reflex. So anytime I try to give oral even if it's just the tip I can't seem to get past it I gag immediately and it's really frustrating. Oh my god okay well I have some tips for you that is a common thing too that people sometimes just having bad gag reflex and there is something there's a toothbrush trick that you could try where you put a toothbrush in your mouth and you every night you hold it down for like a minute and even if just right there and then you do that and you look in the mirror, you can just see it and then

like every night you can do it and every night you're going to find that you'll be able to move the toothbrush back a little bit more and that can help with your gag reflex. Take it to where you're going to gag and it's like you're practicing, you are training a muscle and it's something that can really help with that. So what do you think it's about? Do you have a gag reflex with other things or did you have a bad experience with oral sex? No, it's just with everything, even just like brushing my teeth, taking a pill, going

to the dentist. Okay, I recommend that you try this trick. It's literally like the toothbrush trick and I've taught it to a lot of people and it totally works. Because if you said to me, no, I can do everything else, it's fine. But with it's just with penises, I'd say, okay, well, then maybe there's something else going on. Maybe you've had some bad experience, but you're saying it's everything. We have some great flavored lube. That's great system. Joe makes flavored lube. That sounds, that tastes really great. Like maybe having some taste of that in your mouth could help when you're giving a blowjob. I don't know, but it doesn't sound like it's about the taste. It's truly about the gag reflex. So yeah. I mean, what if that could solve it?

Yeah. If I can solve it, that would be great But I find like if I drink of like alcohol and get drunk I can have I can do a blowjob and that's fine It's like that lack of sensation helps, but I don't want to be drunk every time we have sex Oh, I don't blame you. You're gonna be surprised. You got to call me back. Don't let me know how it goes I think this is gonna go quickly for you though. Okay. I hope. Okay I'm here for you. Let me know okay. Bye. Bye. Alright guys remember you don't have to suffer through a lot of things that you're suffering through right now. Remember just call me I can help you out. Gag reflex that's an easy one. Try that exercise. Call me with your questions. I

can help you guys. Remember a lot of this stuff is just a practice. So it's your gag reflex or it's learning to initiate sex or it's about talking about your fantasies. Remember we haven't done a lot of this stuff before which is why it's so hard. We've got Lauren, she's 25 in Orange County. Hi. Hi, how can I help you? I think I submitted to you about vaginismus. And so it's not something that I hear a lot about. I mean, I've heard through social media and like podcasts, I've heard a lot of talk about endometriosis, but I never really hear a lot about vaginismus and the pain. And it wasn't until I was in a five year relationship and first time having sex and then, okay, sex hurts.

It's like that old wife tale, like, oh, sex is going to hurt and then it gets better. But over time, it started turning into an issue. Right. Yeah. And not just with sex, but also when I would go to the gynecologist and get Pap spheres and with tampon insertion. So I was like, okay, something is off. Even though in my mind I'm like, okay, I'm ready to have sex.

Like I'm just with my boyfriend. And then as he goes in, it's just my body rejects it. It's like hitting the wall. And this has been going on for five years? Yeah, since I was like 21 and I'm 25 right now. Okay. First, what did your gynecologist say? It actually was not that great.

I actually spoke to my healthcare professional about it first before I spoke to my gynecologist because as she was doing the pap smear, I was in tears, Emily. And she was like, have you had sex before? And I was like, yes, I have a boyfriend. I'm taking like birth control like right now. And then she had to like stop doing the pap smear. She was like, I can't do this. You're in so much pain.

Like, I don't know what's going on with you. She was like, this is like incomplete. I can't do this. And I feel like she didn't believe me when I was bringing it up. And I was like, I don't like bringing I was bringing it up. And I was like, I don't like bringing this up, especially when I would, you know, when it comes to like my period and I would tell him like, yeah, like I can't even get tampons in comfortably.

And then she was kind of like, she's like, you're like doing it wrong. And I told my mom and I like called my mom like crying. And I was like, mom, this is like terrible. She made me feel so bad. It's already embarrassing enough that I have to be like dealing with this. Whereas like my internal physician was definitely very understanding with me and you know and she spoke about options. I know that there's dilators that you can use. Well my first recommendation would be to go see a pelvic floor physical therapist. Okay. And find a new gynecologist right away. So pelvic floor physical therapist can diagnose you and figure out what it is. And then they work with you on the dilators and on expanding.

What happens is you wear a dilator and you start with a small one. It's because of a lifetime of clenching. For whatever reason, your muscles are wrapped around tightly and then they start to unwind around the dilator. Then you start to eventually be able to go up. But they can put their fingers inside of you. they can work with you to see what it is, because there's so many, there's a lot of different causes for it. I mean, it could be, you could be born with an overgrowth of nerves in certain areas. Have you ever

had any trauma, sexual trauma growing up? Was there ever any? No, I have not. Definitely grew up in a family that wasn't very like sex positive, whereas now I feel like, you know, it's definitely, people are more open to talking about it. But yeah, so no like trauma or anything. I just had that like relationship that kept occurring over time. So sex isn't impossible, but there's times where it takes 20 minutes to really get into it.

And that's not what I see. I think we gotta get you some help. Yeah, there is a center for San Diego sexual medicine. There's a doctor named Dr. Erwin Goldstein, and he is a leader of all things sexual pain for women. He has been doing this work a long time. He's in his seventies and he has helped so many women. I'm just thinking you're in the area

and you could maybe check him out and see. I have a friend who went there recently. She's like 35 or 36 and for 10 years, she's been seeing doctors about her pain and thought it was vaginismus or vulvodynia, and she finally went to Dr. Goldstein and was able to realize that she had some nerve endings that were going to do surgery,

and so there's a lot of different things right now. I'm always learning too, so I think if you wanted to start with a pelvic floor person, physical therapist near you, they could help you take the next steps, because I don't want you to be in pain, you don't have to be in pain. Right. There are dilators and I wouldn't recommend doing your kegels or anything either because that could sometimes could cause more pain. How are you with other like touch? Like do you have pleasure during sex once it happens? Yeah, so I'm able to like get into it. You know I love it. I'm avoiding it now just because of like the pain, but then once you know, it kind of starts to go in and it's

just it's weird too, because last time it took me like 20 minutes to really get into it and then it was fine after but in the beginning it's just there's like a certain spot and it's just like my body like rejects and it's like I have to train myself to relax, which is weird because you know, it's consensual, you know, I want to do this, like my body like rejects it. It's like I have to train myself to relax, which is weird because you know, it's consensual, you know, I didn't want to do this, but my body and my brain are on two different zip codes. Yes, exactly. Because I can't really pinpoint what caused it,

whereas if I can say if it was trauma, then I can say, oh, well it's the trauma. I feel like it's just a cluster of things that contributed to it. That's why you're gonna find out, and what I love, Lauren, is how much you're thinking about this and researching it. And I just would love you to see professionals that not unlike your gynecologist who actually specialize in this.

Hopefully your health insurance could take care of that. That another thing is when you are together, to answer your question about healthier sex is to go slow and cuddle and touch and have him help you rub the lotion in and help you get in the mood so you don't feel like it's just penetration. Because so many of us don't have the most pleasure during penetration anyway. We want other touches, we want other things. So I think what's difficult too is like bringing it up like in conversation because that's

where I get a little like awkward like talking about like okay I'm like I don't want to bring it in the moment because then that's gonna ruin the moment but just to give you a heads up so this is an ongoing thing you know it just happens I can't control it which sucks I mean I can feel when it's happening it's all like in the inner thigh like well I'm comfortable with it but it's hard for me because I don't know how the other person's gonna feel. They're like, okay well I don't have to deal with this. So that's why I'm more avoiding now. Okay you've been avoiding, of course. Well we don't know how, we're also not trained how to talk about

sexual things with our partners so I would talk to them outside the bedroom. I have three T's of communication. It's timing, tone, and turf. And you want to find a time when you guys are hanging out having a good time. The turf is outside the bedroom and your tone is like curious and open and you just say hey I want you to know that this is I know this has happened you've noticed you've been with him for a few years you said right five years. Well we're not together anymore and so I've been you know like dating like other people but I found that it's the same thing again. When you're with these guys, you can just say,

I have pain. This is just, it's really common. And I just, I just want you to just tell them and then say, hey, I want you to know that sometimes I need to go slow or I have this, that hurts when I have sex, I'm working on it. But right now I need to go slow. I need you to do other things to me that feel good.

Maybe they go down on you and they, cause it sounds like externally you don't have pain. It's all like internal. So external, no, it's just everything all like internal. So external, no. It's just everything is like internal. So I mean. Girl, how does oral sex feel? They could go down in you and help you.

Yeah. I think that you could be a great teacher to these men that you're dating. They need to understand that not all women are ready to go for a multitude of reasons. And yours happens to be pain that you're working on. Right. You got this.

You do not have to be in pain. I want you to keep me posted on your journey. I'm here for you. Oh, thank you. OK. You got this. You do not have to be in pain. I want you to keep me posted on your journey. I'm here for you. Thank you. Okay. Bye Lauren. Definitely. Bye. Pain you guys. Pain is real. A lot of us with vulvas during sex have sexual pain. You got to talk to your doctors. Unfortunately our gynecologists, many gynecologists do not realize that women have pain, that vulvas have pain even though you're a gynecologist and they're in the business of vaginas, they are not in the business of vaginal pain. And if you've been

shamed or shut down about it, I'm so sorry and I want you to get some help. We've done a lot of episodes on pain, but I want to normalize this for you, that if you have vaginismus or vulvodynia, any of these reasons why you've pain now, we're finding out there's so many reasons. You have to get it checked out by a professional, somebody who specializes in your health. Don't worry about pleasing your partners at this point. Don't worry about being embarrassed or shameful, but get some help. There's a lot of resources out there, and I'm here for you, too. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday.

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