Sex With Emily - Best Of: Sex Drives & Relationship Vibes

Episode Date: July 17, 2021

On today’s Best of episode, I’m explaining how to spot red flags when you’re dating someone new, healthy ways to address conflict, and actionable tips to amp up a low sex drive.I also take your calls about getting past jealousy in an open relationship, what to do when you want more sex than your partner, and how squirting can happen even without an orgasm. Have a question of your own? You can call me anytime and leave a voicemail: 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739).Show Notes:Episode Bedroom Goals & Relationship Roles with Lisa BilyeuFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How does your life as it is right now like your lifestyle, what you're doing every day? Does it actually support having healthy sex drive? Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a male obsessed by sex. Eyes that park our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

On today's best of episode, I'm explaining how to spot the difference between red flags and deal breakers, especially when you're dating someone new. Healthy ways to address conflict, you know, before they turn into resentments, because that's really tough, and actionable tips to amp up a low sex drive. I also take your calls about getting past jealousy and open relationship, what to do when you want more sex in your partner and how squirting can happen even without an orgasm. If you have a question of your own, I know you do, call me anytime, leave a voicemail, and then we will call you back or email you

to set up a time to chat. It's 5.5.9, talk sex, or 5.5.9, 8.25, 5.7.39, intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting intention for the show. I do it, I encourage you to do the same. So, when you're listening, what do you wanna get out of the episode? Well, my intention is to point out red flags that often get overlooked when you're focused

on working things out. I also wanna give you permission to walk away from messy and toxic relationships and how to know you're actually in one. Because believe me, you can find someone who loves you for exactly who you are. Oh, also, if you love the show, if it's helped you, you've gotten something out of it,

drop sex with Emily, a rating, and a review wherever you listen. It really helps us keep the show free and available. If you want to ask you a question, you can call the hotline 559-Pock-Sex, or email me, sexwithemily.com-asc-emily. Just include your name, gender identity, location age, and how you listen to the show.

All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. So first, here's some sex in the news. Things you shouldn't tolerate after one year in to the relationship. Okay, guys, if you're in a relationship, these are really important things to consider, because I'm looking at this going, I've been in relationships for two years, three years, a longer time, and these are some of our issues. So even if you're in a longer relationship, make sure that you've got most of these,

if not all of these under control. The first thing you guys is conflict avoidance. Now I get it when you're in the honeymoon stage and you're starting out in a relationship, this is where we don't really address our challenges and our problems head on. We still live in that kind of Lala land, like putting on our best behavior

and being the best version of ourselves. We kind of brush everything, you know, under the rug. We might be ignoring situations that come up, but if you're with someone for a year or longer, we have to start looking at conflicts and learning how to address them and discuss them. So what I'm telling you is just like communicating about sex, when you start to address conflicts whatever they are, first of all, it gets easier, but also these things won't fester because

if you're not dealing with them now, they don't go away. Remember whatever you resist, persists. So make sure that you are dealing with conflicts. Red flags, you guys, there's different kinds of red flags, okay? Well actually, there's problems you have in the relationship. things that bug you, and then there's red flags. Red flags are essentially deal breakers, and things that bug you, like if they're messy, then you'll just know that they're probably going to be messy,

and if you can deal with, you know, always being the one, but this is a way, and maybe they're bringing in the trash can, you're fine, you can kind of deal with that. But if, you know, there are really toxic person, or there's like behavioral stuff, like they're drinking a lot or they're not taking their job seriously or they're just abusive towards you emotionally, obviously, or physically, these are things that do not change unless somebody,

number one, recognizes they have a problem and then they get help. So it doesn't magically disappear. So if they look at your relationship, say, is this a red flag? Or I can deal with it. You know, I remember I was dating someone when I was younger and I said, I don't like his, the sounds really silly. But I was like 24, I was like, mom, I don't like the shorts. He's wearing, I was in seven,

just going no more shorts. And it was a silly thing. And I'm like, he wears his weird shorts. And she's like, Emily, you can always take someone shopping and buy them new clothes or whatever, but he's a lovely person and he really was. So think about it. If you're thinking much like silly or something that is real.

Okay, you guys, inability to compromise. I'm not a huge fan of compromise, I gotta be honest, but this is something I've also learned in relationships. I'm very independent, I like doing my own thing, but if you feel like you're always the one bending over backwards, you're always, you know, the one who's, you know,

changing your schedule around or driving your partner places or deciding to do what they want to do, go out there friends, go to the movies they want to see, you know when are you going to get yours? So think about it, like talk to your partner about it, it is about compromise. That's how you're going to get along.

It's not always you being the one. Because remember, you get being the martyr essentially, because if you're the one who's always doing things for your partner and you're not getting your needs met, there's probably some resentment going on. So if they're not compromising with you, find out why and see if you can deal with it because of not time to move on. Lack of commitment.

Here's another one you guys. You can tell if your partner is keeping you at arm's length. Even after a year, it could be a sign that you don't want the same thing. It's like if you're like, I'm thinking ahead to the holidays. I want you to go on with my family. You know, I want you to take my cousins wedding this summer and they've literally never said anything, but like, let's watch a movie tonight at your house.

That would be another time for you that you might not be on the same page and they might not be looking at the commitment the same way. This is a great one because this is actually more black and white like either they are including you with long term plans and commitments and thinking about your future or they're not. If your sex life is a balance after a year, you know, I feel it.

If it's a balance after a week, I think you should start working on it, but you should start working on it because they're always changing. We all know the honeymoon phase is real and that the first few months having sex with anyone, even like a tree could be amazing, not every sex with a tree. But I'm looking at this door in front of you. I'm like, you could literally have sex with something and it's new and exciting and it's unknown and it's great. But if it's still a year, you know,

you gotta talk about sex, what you want and all your desires. So that's a big one too. Okay, here's another one. I hear this one all the time. X issues. If your partner is still hung up on their X and you feel like, you know, they have this secret relationship and they're talking that they're always friends, but they're

not bringing the X into your life. And it's kind of like this secret part and you're kind of get these weird feelings about it. That's something to address because I feel like my X's are a huge part of my life. They're good friends. Am I not right away though, you guys? Usually it has take six months or a year, but they become good friends many of them. And then I introduce them to my partner. And then after they meet him, it doesn't even, not even a thing that the person was my ex, but there's also the unhealthy side of it. So again, if you have met this person, they're talking to them.

They still might be hung up on their ex and that can be a challenge. Finally, wise arguments about money, money, kids, sex? These are probably the three biggest challenges in relationships. So if you're mismatched, essentially when it comes to money, that is something you've talked about. Maybe your partner's not financially responsible. They're not managing their money, or maybe they're overspending, or they're being cheap. These things are shaped in our childhood, too, how we handle money.

And so that's a big one. And you really have to just talk about money. I know it's hard to. It's kind of like talking about sex. But you could say, you know, I've been noticing these things. Like for me, money's a big thing. What are some, you know, I save money. I'm have a retirement plan.

What are your plans for it? You could just ask them. And then maybe you could even inspire them. Because if we didn't have a good mentor around money, like, my mom is a financial planner. She's been talking about it forever, right? But I feel like there's so many of us, it's just like sex. We kind of put our nose in the sand.

We're like, oh, that money thing will work out, but maybe they'll be inspired by what we have to say. So if not, there's your signs, you guys. There's a lot of issues from there. And I think if you match up on a few of them, it's probably time to take a look at your relationship and see if you should say or you should go. Here's another one I liked. What to do when your sex drive is low.

We talk a lot about sex drive on the show and it's probably one of the most common questions I hear from you guys. Our sex drive is going to change over time. Just know that except it, you're going to get six some times, you're going to feel great sometimes, so you're going to want six sometimes, you're going to feel great sometimes, so you're going to want sex, and sometimes you're not. I thought these were really solid steps. I want to do, if your sex drive is low, if you've been feeling like you're just not in the mood and you're not feeling sex.

The first thing is find a new doctor, you guys. There is nothing wrong with looking around for a doctor like how you date in a relationship. You date a few people at once. I think if you're looking for a new doctor, find a good doctor because what they should do is, first of all, talk to them about your conceptual concerns. A lot of doctors like your primary doctor, they might not be well versed and sex, they might not really know what to do.

I mean, there's some doctors like have a glass of wine, then you'll be in the mood. You don't want a doctor who says that to you. You want a doctor who can look at your hormone levels. They can check out the brief, you have depression, anxiety. These are all things that can contribute. We never talk about thyroid and abalances. Our threat is cancer, heart disease, chronic pain, kidney disease.

These are things your doctor can look at. I always ask you, are you seeing a doctor if you talk to your doctor? That's what your doctor is going to check for. And then check your medicine cabinet. You guys, we don't realize how many medications can actually have an impact on our libido and what to do by it. Our doctors typically don't say, I need you to take this for diabetes and oh, by the way, it can have the sexual side effect. Or another one, this is huge, people who don't tell us birth control can have an impact on our sex drive. So here are some common medications that could cause a decrease in your libido. So anti-seasure or anti-exida-indemetications, you guys.

I know a lot of people are anxious these days. So if you've got volume, adivan, clonipym, those could have an impact. Beta blockers, lipitor, crestor, cholesterol, lowing medications, antidepressants. This is a big one. You guys, one in five women are, antidepressants. This is a big one. You guys, one in five women are on antidepressants. So things like prozac, paxyl, and zooloft, and even well butrium, which is not an SSRI, but used for anxiety and depression,

even though it's advertised for not giving you sexual side effects, it actually can still have sexual side effects. So how are you supposed to know? And finally, hormonal birth control, birth control pills, rings, and the hormonal IUD. So what do you do if you're on this med? I'm not telling you off your meds. Do not go off your meds without talking to your doctor, but here's a cool thing. They can change the dosage. They can change what time you're

taking it. They can add another medications. They can try similar classes of medications. So talk to your doctor about it. You don't have to live with a low sex drive. So here's another great point in this, you guys. I know there's times when we take it for granted and we're like, oh, you know, it should just function on its own and it could work at certain points and not others. And we just don't really think about it, but it does need your support in order for it to work for you. So ask yourself these questions.

I really like these questions because I'm always evaluating my sex life as well, along with you. How does your life as it is right now, like your lifestyle, what you're doing every day, does it actually support having a healthy sex drive? So answer these questions. Do you even have time to be intimate or is every single moment of your day schedule? Do you have time or the energy to feel desire? Are you taking care of your body?

Are you eating healthy foods? Are you exercising? Are you getting enough sleep? I mean, just think about those things. If you have no time and you're not eating healthy and you're not exercising, you don't have to even see a doctor. You can just answer those honestly and think, you know what? I'm not.

You can change some of those things on your own and see some impact on your sex drive. Another one is, do you have a good environment for having sex? I've been guilty of this. Take a look at your bedroom. It matters so much how you have your bedroom set up. So if it's like cluttery and messy

and you don't have the right light and you can never find the music you wanna play or your vibrators aren't charged and your loobs in the kitchen. And you just like, if it's messy or distracting or it's getting you out of the mood, if your bedroom doesn't point you in the mood for sex, nothing else is going to do.

So make sure you are not distracted. And you guys take a look at your relationship. If you guys have grown distanced, if you're not seeing each other, if you've been like holding on to something that happened last summer, you're not gonna feel the desire. It just isn't going to happen. You could be the healthiest person in the world. You could not be on medication.

You could be exercising all these things, but if you are festering and holding onto issues, that's going to have an effect on your sex drive. Think about the sex you're having. Are you having the kind of sex you want to have? So if you're having the same kind of sex, routine sex, like many of us do, we fall in the badderons, we have missionary sex, we roll over, we go to sleep, you're not going to get so excited for that after we're out. So this is where all those

fun sex ideas come in like having date night, something to look forward to, trying something new in the bedroom. One of these amazing toys or products I talk about you guys, one thing could give you months of new inspiration. I promise you that. And also being vulnerable and finally having that conversation with your partner about, like, hey, let's talk about our sex life. You guys, this is normal. Just like you talk about your investment or your 401k, let's check in and talk about our sex life.

What do you want, babe? What do you want to try? Let's try it. So these are all things you guys. These are the whole wrapped up package of what's going on with your sex drive, your libido. And I think if you just grab one of those areas and start looking at it, you're going to start to see a change. And finally, you guys, what if we treat our relationships more like we treat our careers?

Dear those friends who say, God, you know, marriage should be like a business contract. Every five years, we get to renew it and decide if we still want to be married. Like I used to, people always jug about that. And the more I think about these things about how we spend so much time like being really good at work and being a good employee and talking to our boss doing all these things so we can like have a really good career.

What if we brought some of those principles into our relationship? So before you resist what I'm saying here, I get that love and work is kind of different, but there are some concepts that definitely work in a relationship. So and it's like straightforward communicating. So building a relationship is kind of like building a business. You got to invest in it. You got to give each other attention.

You got to plan for the future. You might need me to strategy. You have to check in on your values. Are you going in the same place? How are you going to grow together, right? Those are all business things. But the interesting thing is, just like sex, when we get into relationship or when we're courting each other, we're taught to be like, Koi and be more measured about what we really want. Don't be direct, don't be assertive. You know, kind of like we are in the workplace, in love, it's a little bit different.

And then dating, you guys, having you done this, where you like kind of make irrational decisions that are based on emotions or conversations you had with your friend, or you interpret what your partner wants, because you had a moment where you're like, oh my God, maybe they're not in love with me anymore. Are we usually in a rush? We don't do that at the office. I don't come into like Jamie, my producer, and be like, oh my god, I had a dream about you last night. And I feel like we should repaid the office today green because that's what you're doing in the

dream. We don't do things like that in the workplace. And in our relationships, I didn't really have a dream of being green. But if I did, like that would be crazy, right? So let's try to think about our relationships more logically. Because in our career we're thinking like, how can I do better? How can I get a better review? How can I not burn out? How can I get what I want and also make it a healthy work environment? So why not do that in our relationships?

So really just another communication style and it's another kind of way to have discussion and this might for some of you might feel really comfortable. You're like, I got this. I'm great at business. Bring it into a brain-to-relationship. So number one, you guys set goals and targets.

Just to get careers like in five years, I want to be president of the company. Or I want to make this much money. Or I want this money followers on my Instagram. If you do milestones or relationships in your love life, that can work too. So think about it. You guys can talk about this together.

How do I want to feel in this relationship? Like maybe you guys have been fighting it out lately, like it just really tends, I feel like we're not getting along. It's okay to say in six months from now, I want to make sure that we are cooking dinner, you know, together once a week, or we're exercising together,

or we're taking a vacation. Maybe you want a more fun in your relationship, and more passion. I mean, talk about your goals together. Maybe you both want different things. I'm telling you, having these kind of conversations will help you realize if you're even on the same page. So when you figure out what you want,

like how are we gonna get there? And then if you guys both know, while we really want more playful fun, then you start having play dates. Nothing is you guys have regular reviews, okay? Review your relationship. Just do a check-in. I mean, this can be at dinner. You know, how, like, have a state of your relationship talk. You know, I used to have in my own, in my relationships, we had a truth couch, and

my boyfriend's house, we had to send his couch, like, once a week or whenever we're having conversation, we're like, let's go to the truth couch. We'd be like, okay, let's talk about it and became like, fun. It was like, we're going to a different location, do talk about our relationship. So this is where you can kind of check in how we're doing, how are things feeling in our relationship, how are we doing on our goals, or just a reminder that you guys are in it together.

Make time for brainstorming. It's like the workplace brain-serving, fresh ideas. I know when we brainstorm around here, we come up with the best things, just like your relationship, which actually is a living and breathing organism. It doesn't mean just because you guys got married and you steal that deal that your relationship doesn't want to grow.

So find out you guys brainstorm. If you find out like, yeah, we really need to be doing fun and then you look at the last four nights together that you ordered in food and watched Netflix, you can look at it and go, okay, well, what could we do to still watch our television shows and make sure that we're, you know, getting out more? And I actually, this reminds me of the episode we did with Lisa Bilyu, Women of Impact. A few weeks ago, she talked a lot about the way she does this in her relationship and it was really inspiring for a lot of you. So you might want to check out that episode, but finding the things you can do together

and brainstorming new ideas that are fun for both of you. Where do you guys want to go? Where do you want to eat? That's fun things to set up, and then you have things to look forward to. Take vacations, no surprise. You guys, this literally comes up on every single relationship sex tip. Anything that you've ever read is like vacation sex or take vacations, but here's why you guys. I always talk about it in the sex realm, but you know, I also think it's very healthy for your relationships because you

got to get out of your home. You're, you know, doing things the same as that way every day. So even just a few days of vacation throughout the year, you know, in addition to weekends, just getting away, taking the long weekend, breaking your nine to five routine, have a huge impact on your relationship. So make sure that you guys have time on your nine to five routine, have a huge impact on your relationship. So make sure that you guys have time in your own to bond. Go all in. I've been guilty of this when dating, and I don't know if you guys can relate to this as well,

when you're just both aren't fully committed to the relationship. So I think a lot of us kind of have, if we're dating, we would like dip our toe in and we're like, yeah, I have one foot in and one foot out. Or I'm not really sure I want to go with the distance with this person. I'll just hang out until I meet someone else.

You realize that not only is that a disservice to the person you're dating, but to yourself. Because when you've like one foot in, you're not, you're not, just like with work. You don't have one foot in your job. And if you do, we usually feel like, it's time to get out. If we can't really commit anymore.

But in your relationship, if you're still protecting your heart, you're afraid of getting hurt, which is typically why we have one foot out the door, or we're just not sure, your relationship's gonna last a lot longer in that gray zone. But once you decide, you know what? I've got nothing to lose. I'm putting both feet into this relationship,

no matter what happens, you know you did it all. And this could just be a mindset. Like this could just be like, you know what? I am going all into this. I'm gonna like make commitments to my partner that I never thought I could make before. I'm gonna open up my heart. I'm gonna be vulnerable at something

that I've never talked to a partner about. That's how you go all in. So really guys, the thing about going all in is really just about like changing your mindset. Just like success as a mindset. It's a mindset. I'm going to be successful by doing these things.

And you guys, I'm not saying that you have to go all business in your relationship that you guys should actually have contracts and write this all out, although it is kind of fun to see the progress you made. You know, I think you still need to be spontaneous and surprise each other and be playful and fun. But if you just have fun, you're fun yourself at this like roadblock of like our talks aren't going anywhere.

I love the idea of bringing a little business into the bedroom, and I'm seeing where it takes you. So, I was inspired. I hope you are too. I'm going to take a quick break, but after, I'm taking your calls and answering your questions. Like from Ashley, who's wondering how to open up her marriage without sparking guilt and jealousy. Who's wondering how to open up her marriage without sparking guilt and jealousy Okay guys, we are on to calls and answering your questions

Okay, this is Ashley. She's 31 from Oregon and she's starting an open marriage Previously they were swingers and wants to know how to get over the fear and guilt. I Ashley you've come to right place. Yeah, perfect. So tell me what's going on. Do you have some history? So I have my husband was my first. So just I've always been really fascinated by the original season just group facts and just the whole idea of it.

And I was always so embarrassed about it. Because you know, just that stigma that we have about sex and one person and further us your life kind of thing. And how long have you guys been together? We've been married in 12 years. Right. OK. Great.

Now, I started young. Yeah. So you guys have been fascinating with Orgis. And you said watching corn with Orgis, are you've always been kind of fascinated by it? I mean, that's my own kink. Yeah. So you guys have been fascinated with orgies and you said watching corn with orgies? Are you've always been kind of fascinated by it? I mean that's my own kinks. Right. Right. He just likes that desire. He wants to so desired by other people. He's very satisfied with our relationship, but I think just that feeling of being wanted and I mean, I'm not going to lie. I do enjoy, so. Yeah. Who doesn't? I think I've been after 12 years of age.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I feel like I've just so much in my head. Yeah. I don't know how to get out of there and just like that with those fears, because he reassures me all the time. It's just, that's what holds me back so much. Would you say you were swingers before? Did I have that right?

Yeah. We've done lots of couples up there. Okay. But that's together. So now I see. I see. Okay. So this is more about like how do you open it? So you guys, I'm sure have talked about like,

is it more like you, are you going to be sleepover? Is it someone, is it going to be someone that you know or that you don't know or how, like do you have a lot of the rules in place and the boundaries? Yeah. We've been talking lots about our boundaries kind of when to do it because we do have kids so trying to figure out timing and when it's appropriate time to do it, when it's you know what's going to be a trigger for us, you know, is we have lots of conversations and you did have one person already when he was out of town for work.

And it was kind of hard for me just because I'm not there. And that's when I kind of figured out my communication style point on. So it seems to be just kind of walking. Yeah, well that's how you learn. I mean, it sounds mean because communication is the most important thing. So as long as much as I tell couples, okay, you're going to open it up. You have to have all these rules and all these boundaries. Like, that's really just to get you going.

But you're going to learn by doing. Like, there's no way that you can know how you're going to feel, right? Like, you don't know. Like, and you might have a great experience and he might get jealous and he might worry about. But it's not that people in open relationships who, and I know a lot of people in healthy open relationships and open marriages, it's not that you don't experience jealousy and it's not that you don't get sad or fearful or anxious about it.

It's that you learn how to communicate about it so you take away the charge. You practice it to rigorous honesty and vulnerability that it just becomes easier over time because you guys do trust each other and you are open. So it sounds like you have that in place and that you're able to communicate with him. So I kind of feel like, you know, it's great that you're being honest with him about this. And I think again, that is one of the things

you could be worrying that he could run off with someone, but it sounds like you guys are really in love and you've actually already practiced with swinging. I mean, because that could have essentially happened with swinging, right? He could have like, having sex with someone's wife. Or, you know, like, so you've already done that. Like, a lot of me were like, I can't could have like, having sex with someone's wife. Or, you know, like, so you've already done that. Like, a lot of people are like,

I can't even imagine my husband having sex with someone. So the fact that you've done that is kind of a first step. I don't know how to tell you how to get out of your own head, but I think the more that you guys experience things, it sounds like it's your turn right now, and then you go back and talk about it. That's how you guys are gonna hone the right way to keep moving forward.

Perfect, yeah. That's fun. More reassuring. Yeah, definitely. But I think that you guys seem like you're 12 years together. You have kids. It seems like you guys are good candidates. I would tell you if you weren't.

You're going to have the fear. I'm just telling you that couples that I've talked about this are like, yeah, it was harder in the beginning and it gets easier over time. Yeah, the word doesn't seem to matter to me as much. I think like, you're noticing that he actually still sees this. Exactly. He comes home. Right.

And you let him know what he needs and aftercare, maybe you'll find out like, I don't want you sleeping with anyone. I got only sleeping over. Like you'll come to figure it out. But, you know, when you see him again, everything's great. Maybe it's even hotter because you guys during sex tell each other about your, you know, sexual exploits. Like for a lot of couples, that's so hot.

So you might find that like it feeds upon itself in a really healthy way, which I think it sounds like you guys are going in that direction. Great, will I push it up? Yeah, you have my approval. Okay, it's the most important. Okay, good. Okay, Ashley, just keep talking and being vulnerable

and asking for what you need. Okay, Ashley, thanks. Have a great night. Thanks for your help. Thanks. I know you guys, you might see them, they're going, oh my God, I could never do an open relationship. It's probably not for it. Okay, Ashley, thanks. Have a great night. Thanks for here. Thank you. I know you guys. You might see me. They're going, oh my god.

I could never do an open relationship. It's probably not for you. For a lot of couples, it is not for them. But I'm telling you, couples who are on solid ground, you've been together for a while and you've talked about it. You've explored it. You've walked to the scenario and you've thought, how would you feel if I came home and I was with someone out?

You really get to, like, you talk about it. You decide who's off limits. like maybe it's someone you know, never anyone from work, you know, which I don't think that's ever gonna get anyway. But you have boundaries, you have good communication already, then I think it's okay to move into open relationship territory. Not for everybody, but for the people that it works for, they practice a rigorous honesty that can really work.

Next call is Tara 27 from Idaho. And she squirts after childbirth, but not always with an orgasm and wants to know why. Hey Tara. Hi Emily, how are you? I'm so good, how are you? I'm so freaking excited right now. Me too.

Let's talk about squirting. Everyone's favorite topic. So I have always kind of been fascinated with it, but I wasn't always able to. Okay. I had tried and tried and was never able to. And then after I had my son, all of a sudden that wasn't even trying and it happened.

Okay. But it kind of took me off guard because I wasn't orgasming when it happened and I was just like, oh my God, what is happening? This is so crazy. And my husband was like pumped like fist pumping in the air like so hot of himself Yeah, but then I have like since been able to do it in certain positions like Almost on command. Oh great, but it's not always with an orgasm like sometimes it is

Right and sometimes it's not and then sometimes I feel like it's not always with an orgasm. Like sometimes it is. Right. And sometimes it's not. And then sometimes I feel like it's getting like, like I feel this really big build up. And then I will push him out before I get like really big release. And so I just was wondering if that was common. Totally common. In fact, squirting can happen without orgasm all the time.

It's really common like that women have to squirt without orgasm and orgasm without squirting can happen without orgasm all the time. It's really common like that women have to squirt without orgasm and orgasm without squirting, as you know. So that's just common. It doesn't mean orgasm necessarily at all. And I also get the pushing them out thing because you're pushing your pubic floor down, you're like your keg of muscles, so you just push them out. That's happened to me. That can totally happen. If you know that's going to happen and he's cool with it, like, do you feel like that you're having more, like, does it prevent you from orgasming when you push him out? Sometimes, I feel like it would be so much more intense

if I could just keep him there, but even when I'm not orgasming, it's a full body almost like a spasm. And so even if he's really holding on to me, I like buck him off. I don't have that better way to put it. Right, no, I totally get it. But it feels good though still,

even if it's not orgasm, the release of the sporting, okay? Yeah, I mean, it does feel good. Like sometimes it catches me off garden. I don't even realize that I'm doing it. And like, it kind of excites me because I think it's kind of cool. It is cool, yeah.

But I don't really know that it feels a whole lot better all the time. And then sometimes it is with orgasm. And it's awesome. But it's kind of just like that same sensation is like a cultural orgasm. Right. Yeah.

That happens. That do you mean that's that's common? Do you know the times that it happens? What position you're in and what you're feeling when it does? Um, usually it's missionary. And I like, if I kind of I don't usually ever prop my hips up but like if I wrap my legs around them

and then I kind of like squeeze my hips up so that angle is right. And then it's happened in doggy style before too. Okay, great. Yeah, so now you know those positions and when you feel like yourself pushing out, it's okay to stop. So you could just be like stop and just keep breathing into it.

So you don't before you push them out. And maybe that sensation will pass. And then you could let it build again. But there's nothing. I mean, have you, have you, do you do kagalog exercises as well? Because that can also help strengthen those muscles. I mean, I haven't ever really, like the doctor kind of suggested it after, after my kids and stuff.

But I've done it like a little bit but not regularly. Okay, because that can also help women just have stronger orgasms, it can have almost like squirting and ejaculation but like there's nothing wrong here. So I feel like you're just going to have to kind of pay attention and do the positions that work for you and kind of play with it because it's still new for you. And so, you know, our bodies are always changing. There's certain times of month you could squirt more than others, you know, sometimes orgasms, sometimes not, but that's just sex. So there's nothing wrong here. I wouldn't, I wouldn't,

worry, it sounds like you guys have a really healthy sex life. So I think it sounds fun. Pretty awesome, apart. It seems really good to me. So, um, and, you know, so I would just say, not to trip on it and just, you know, you know, just to go with it and kind of talk to them about it, what you need and just kind of breathe through it now so you don't push them out. But if you do, it's not a big deal either. So doing your kegels and just breathing through it, I think could help you. Awesome.

We'll do. And I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate everything you're doing. You seriously have like changed my life. My friends make fun of me with how much I talk about this podcast. Oh, I love that. Thank you so much for telling your friends about it. I appreciate it and I really do love here. That's why that's why it exists. That's why I do what I do. So thank you. Yeah, we're all listening to it in my office. There's a few of us. Oh my god. It's snickering and laughing. I love it. We'll have them all call in and and I send my love to everyone and all your friends. So hang in there

and I love thank you for being an ambassador of the show. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you, Emily. Have a good day. Bye, thanks. Bye. OK, guys, squirting.

Is it real? Is it pee? Is it what is it? Does it matter? Are you guys? I'm not going to talk about, yeah, there are traces of urine in it. And there's periorethal fluids from the skin glands. It's all fine.

I think that women have to figure out what feels good to them, how it works, it is possible for a lot of women to learn out of squirt, that have to start with G-spot stimulation, like using a toy, like the rave is a great one, are your fingers, are your partner's penis, but I love that she called in because really just check it in to make sure that everything's okay.

And you guys, most things are okay. If you're not having pain and you're enjoying sex, it's all good. After the break, I talked to Lindsay, who's having pain during sex. Listen, you don't have to live with unwanted pain. So stay tuned, I'll be right back. I'm so excited that cities are opening back up, we're hanging out with old friends and system Joe, personal lubricants are back on sex with Emily. About a year ago, Joe took a break so we could promote flavored loops from their sister brand Muse.

So while we're saying goodbye to Muse, we're not losing those amazing flavors. Don't you worry, System Joe's got them and more. Joe's collection has your favorite, so the Crem brulee, the mint chocolate, salted caramel, plus they have flavors like Tiramisu, double chocolate, and white chocolate raspberry truffle. Oh, just in case you're like, but Emily, lube tastes like caracene. Wrong. I don't know how they did it, but the magicians in Joe's lab made their gelato lube taste like the real thing.

Seriously, they're delicious. There's no gross aftertaste at all. And if you're wondering why would you want to use flavored lubes, it takes oral to a whole new level for both the giver and receiver. Trust me, these lubes feel as good as they taste. Believe me, you want Joe in your life and flavored lube on your nightstand.

So please join me in you want Joe in your life and flavored lube on your nightstand. So please join me in welcoming System Joe back to the show by visiting sexwithfamily.com slash Joe. That's sexwithfamily.com slash J-O. Okay, we have Lindsay. She's 26 from Washington and she has pain during sex in certain positions ever since switching to IUD. Is it connected? Hey, Lindsay. Hi, how's it going? Good, good. I'm so glad you called in. So tell me what's going on with the IUD.

So, yeah, so I got the IUD about nine months ago. And then during certain positions, it started hurting, like especially during doggy style. And at first I just assumed that I had to get adjusted to the IUD and everything. But then it's bill hurting currently. And then occasionally I'll even bleed after sex. So then I went to the doctor and they had me get a son of a green and just make sure the IUD was in place and they said everything was fine. So then but then I didn't go back to the doctor after they told me it was fine, so I haven't actually gotten anything checked out. Okay, but I don't know if it's all related or

kind of sounds like it is. Have you ever had any pain with sex before the nine months? No, it wasn't until I got the ID. Okay, I would go back to when we and when we were there did you go right away after the nine months like nine months ago or you want to go it was it was around five or six months that i went and got the sonogram okay because they said i would have spotted bleeding for up to like six months but and i've had multiple partners and so it's it's blood after like two of them but then one other one it didn't leave after so it's only during certain times two but it's blood after like two of them, but then one other one it didn't bleed after. So it's only during certain times too,

but it's always usually consistent with pain during dying. Okay, yeah, that's, I mean, that's not fun. I mean, I think that you might need to go back and tell them that you're still having pain, because this isn't that common. Sometimes you might decide if it's at the beginning, but it doesn't, I mean, it doesn't happen.

They went out of trimmed it correctly. You might need to get it adjusted. I would tell them, you know, doctors are so busy these days, you go in, you're going to just tell them, like, it's really not okay. And again, like, there are some things that they might need to trim it. They might need to look at it differently. And so I think that they could also be, I mean, the fact that the bleeding, that's the part that I'm more concerned about because also,

there could be a learned reaction that you're tensing because you're afraid it's going to hurt and then it hurts. Because when we tense up, that's how people don't like anal people can't orgasm because we're tensed, we hold our breaths. So I would say practice breathing and letting go and like releasing because maybe it's and try to go slower and not as deep. So that could be one thing, but if you're bleeding, like those are two different side effects you're having, the pain and the bleeding. Right.

So I would just go back, you know, I would. Yeah, because I was also thinking, because I was from the shoe shop for a while. Thank you. I'm here to talk about a loop. So I went on to your online store, got a bunch of a loop. So we consistently used that too,

because I thought maybe it was part of that drive. Yeah, I've been using a bunch of a loop. and then that hasn't worked, and I still bleed after that, or even after I've orgasmed too. I just, oh, okay. I think you're right. I think you're right. Yeah, go back to the doctor, because they don't want to admit. They don't really tense up, yeah.

I'm sure you do, but exactly. I just think for peace of mind, because maybe you go back and they can't adjust it. I don't see why, you know, Sanagam can't tell you everything. All you know is what you're experienced. That's what you can tell them. So again, doctors are busy and I always think, oh, they know everything, but the truth is all they know is from what you tell them is you have to go back in, say, you're still bleeding, it's not okay. Maybe they could take it out, put it back in, like a trim it, but I don't think they should be having both of these, both of these experiences, especially if you didn't have them before. So go back to the doctor, talk about it, and you could probably get it figured out.

And just remember to breathe always anyway. And keep using, remember to breathe and keep using leave, though, no matter what kind of sex you're having. Breathe. Sure. I know. It's the heart to remember. Okay.

If you don't breathe the die, but it's really hard to remember. Okay. Thanks, Lindsay. Thanks for calling. Thank you for calling. Make that appointment. Bye, have a good night. Thanks. Bye. I like this call, you guys, because I think that we get,

sometimes our doctors, you gotta go back, you gotta get a second in pending, you gotta talk to them again, they're not always right. Yes, they have your best interests in mind, but they're busy, they're seeing a lot of patients, and you know your experience. So I think we put a lot of weight on what they say, doctors and we, as we should,

but we are our own best advocates. So if you're having pain and something's happened to you, make that doctor's appointment. We all pay a lot of money and health insurance and I know that it's a pain in the ass to go to the doctor. I've got like three appointments to make right now and it's hard to do, but once you do it, you guys, it's such a relief

because you've got to take care of yourself. You get so important, you guys, put yourself first, okay? This is Summer 38 from British Columbia. She's a high sex drive. Her husband doesn't and won't go to counseling. Hey Summer. Hi, how are you? I'm good.

Tell me what's going on. Oh girl, I don't even know. I mean, we've been together for six years, married for one. There's always been a little bit of an issue in the bedroom. We've talked about it. He's told me that there's been issues in the past with his girlfriend, but it just seems

too progressively have gotten worse over the years. And I'm just kind of left feeling like, I don't know what to do because I'm the only one talking about it, I'm the only one bringing it up, I'm the only one asking what's going on. So I don't know, I do because I'm the only one talking about it. I'm the only one bringing it up I'm the only one asking what's going on So I just I don't know I kind of feel lost right now like is it me? Is it us is it him? I don't know you guys have been together five years. So how was it in the beginning and the beginning? I mean in the beginning when we were first dating it was fun

I mean we were you know we we had more fun in the beginning for sure Like every couple but okay. Yes, many couples, yeah. But even in the beginning of our dating relationship, I noticed a law. And I noticed that we would spend a week together or something and nothing would happen. And I think that I'm used to someone maybe being more of the aggressor in the relationship and maybe I've never taken that role on. So maybe that's where I've kind of lost it, but he's never really the one asking for it

or wanting it. And like I said, I definitely don't think he's cheating on me, so I don't know what's going on there. Yeah. Well, you know, we're all so different. Like, we're all really like so oriented towards like, oh, men are the ones just being initiators and women are, but you know,

it's different in every relationship. So it's true that he might be waiting for you to, to make the moves or to get him to kind of pull him in, because maybe he just doesn't have a high-versus-ex drive or he's going, you know, it sounds like it's been like this since you met him, because sometimes it can take a dip if we're going through, we're worried about work or we're depressed or,

you know, how old is he? Curious. He's 34. Okay. Um, he told me that in his last relationship, they didn't, they weren't intimate for a year and then they finally broke up. And so I don't know what happened in that relationship. It's never been that bad for us, but, you know, I don't know, like, and I know he is a diabetic, so I don't know if that has something to do with it as well. But, yeah, does he take anything? Is he on any medications? Yeah, he does.

Okay, I mean, because that's insulin. Yeah, that could have an impact too on his sex drive. That might be a reason. But I think you guys just have to talk about it in a way that's like, no, it sounds like it's, I know, I'm sorry, you knew I was gonna say this, but it sounds like it's gone to the place where you're just have to talk about it in a way that's like, no, it sounds like it's, I know, I'm sorry, you knew I was gonna say this, but it sounds like it's gone to the place where you're just like really frustrated

and you guys aren't able to kind of communicate about it, but I feel like we need to know like what, what he would need to be in the mood. Like you can ask him like, what would you need to want to have sex? Like in a loving way outside the bedroom where you're not blaming him, you're not making a feel about it, it's like a real, because it matters. Like somewhere you're correct to be like

at this point where you're like, what's going to happen? How am I going to do it this because it matters. It is your sex life. That's what keeps you guys from being just roommates. So it is something that you both have to pay attention to and it sounds like he's not really giving you a lot of information here. He's not really talking about it or have you guys ever had a really deeper conversation about it where you've got more information? Yeah, we have. We definitely have. And I do think it's difficult for him to talk about it because again, I'm always the

one bringing that. I got to a point in our relationship where I was like, maybe I'm being part of the problem because I'm always asking what's up is if everything okay and maybe I'm like driving you crazy because I'm always talking about it. So I kind of backed away and just stopped asking what was up and it got worse. Oh right because the puppy doesn't know you know and he probably feels bad because he wants to please you. So he might tell me. He did tell me that was one of his issues that he doesn't think he does,

but I don't know where he got that from. But because you're probably asking like, what can I do or why aren't we having sex? So he feels rejection. So see the good news is that you're both love each other and you're married and you both want to please each other. But you're probably feeling rejected because he's not desiring you and he's feeling like he's letting you down.

And so you both want it, but you don't know how to get out of your own way. And so because he might really not know, like, and I want him to check with his doctor about his insulin medicine because that could have an impact. Like people with diabetes don't have the highest sex drive, like that can have an impact. So I think that is real, especially if it's been going on since you started dating. You said even at the beginning, you sense the low. So he might really want it, want to please you, but his body isn't reacting, which can be really frustrating.

And he might as even know, because it's been like this his whole life, you know what I'm saying? So, but I think if you go at it, like we both, and like say what I said, like I feel rejected. And I know you're not trying to hurt me, and you love me, and I know that you feel like you're not pleasing me, and I don't even know, like we got to figure out what works for us.

So I feel like he might need you to initiate and then you might need to know what that looks like. Like maybe you you know he might say like well if I come in if you we have this you know you text you before I come home and say you want to sex then he maybe he needs to know that that's what you want or maybe he needs to kiss him when he walks in the door or you might need him to like I don't kiss him when he walks in the door. Or you might need him to like, I don't know, put his hand on your shoulder or around your waist and you need more touch. So I feel like there's some ways you guys to figure out what intimacy looks like for both of you

because every couple has their own rhythm and their own formula that works. I mean, you guys just haven't figured it out yet. Yes, we definitely need to communicate. I mean, like there has to be a conversation about it because we can't just keep going on trying to read each other or trying to figure out because we're both thinking different things, right? Yeah. Exactly. And that's the conversation, sweetie. That's, that's what you just said to

me is like, you can even blame me. It's said, talk to such a family. And she said, and I didn't know what to do because I love you so much. And our intimacy in our sex life is so important. And I feel like we've hit this crossroads. I want this, everything you just said and that I'm saying. And then see what he says. And from a place of loving and make sure your tone is like, you know, more lighter and not like a serious thing,

even though sex is serious. Serious, but you know, so it just takes all the pressure off of it. And then once you start to have this dialogue with him, it's gonna get, you know, it'll get easier, but you've got to start getting some more information. So. And so I totally agree with you. And I'm going to ask you one problem. You're going to say, well, I can't, I can't answer that. But when you know, like, when you get to a place in your relationship, or you're like, okay, that we're just not on the same page. This isn't

working. Like, I don't know if we'll ever get to a point where that will ever happen, or if we'll get to a better stage, But is there like a time in your relationship where you're like, okay, I mean, this isn't working. You're not, I'm telling you, you haven't even scratched it. I just forget because you haven't even talked about this. It's so you're so far from that point. I know that you feel like you're there because that happens because you're in your head about it. You've created every scenario in your head like maybe he's having a affair. Maybe he's gay or maybe he doesn't love you anymore. He has six girlfriends in another country.

Like, I understand that we create all these things and none of those are true. They're just your mind. So I would say that it's kind of great because it's sort of a clean slate right now because you haven't had that real conversation yet because you don't know when no one knows how. So you're not alone, some of this is wrong with you.

Like this is why I have a job because I help people figure out that like, no, we talk about everything else, but sex in our relationships. So you're like most people on the planet. And to answer your question, so you're not even there, you haven't even started,

but when I can tell people already, it's when they've tried everything. They've gone to therapy for a year. They've tried, they've talked, they made changes, they started having sex outside've tried, they've talked, they made changes, they started having sex outside the bedroom, they brought toys, they communicated, they cried, they laughed, like they did the work. And when you know, when you've done the work, you'll know. But I would say you're just starting out. So you're not there yet,

even though you feel so try to peel back all the things you've created in your head and just talk to them about the facts. And do you think that we should go see somebody or do you think you could just start off? Yeah. I mean, I get tired of myself saying this sometimes, but absolutely. I'm telling you that every couple needs therapy. They just do.

You get to an impasse, especially because, like, you guys have been together and it's been going on for a while. And I feel like every couple needs it. I don't care if you've been together six months or six years. If you could afford it and you can make the time, which I think every couple like go, you know, like you can figure it out, it is the most useful thing you could do because we're just,

it's a third part of it and come in and they're not biased to either one of you and they get it's a mediator and they can help you. They'll teach you skills, a therapist, if you commit to going once a week for a few months, like even after the first few sessions, you're going to learn skills to communicate on a level that works for both of you that you've never would have figured out on your own. So yes, I think therapy is a great place to start. And are you talking about a sex therapist or just a therapist in general? I think a marriage and family therapist, too, it will be equipped, but you can also call them. And here's my other top advice,

is that not every therapist works for everybody. So my advice would be, get two names from friends of yours, from your insurance company, two to three. And I would say go together, because he might like someone, you might like someone, not like the other person, and then once you find your person, you're in, and it's so healthy and so helpful for couples. So I absolutely recommend it.

Okay, amazing. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. You got this, you're just starting out. It's beginning today. Okay, amazing. Yeah. Thank you so much.

You're so welcome, so you deserve great sex. Oh, my pleasure. My pleasure. Have a great night. I love your podcast, by the way. Thank you. I love that. Thank you for listening.

I so appreciate it. Have a great night. I love that. Thank you for listening. I so appreciate it. Have a great night. Bye, Summer. You too. Thanks. I love that you guys love the podcast and you listen. So thank you, Summer, and thanks everyone for these calls.

And let me just say this, you guys, I am a huge fan of therapy. You know that. I think that every couple can benefit from it. I think that couples, just the more you start talking about things, it's going to help you and just know that you'll know when you've done everything. And if you haven't gone to therapy and you haven't had conversations with your partner yet in a way that isn't screaming and isn't yelling and isn't fighting but real conversations then I'd say you haven't done the work yet.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We released two to three episodes a week, find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily.

If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash S Emily. And check out my website. We have so many great articles that I've been deep into topics like how do I have multiple orgasms? How do I less longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex? What sex toys should I try? And so much more. Sign up for weekly emails. I've been told I give really good emails. I do.

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