Sex With Emily - Best of: Sex Tips I Wish I Knew In My 20s

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Sexual wisdom (like all wisdom) is self-awareness plus lived experience. But I hear from people in their 20s all the time who are shockingly self-aware – they just haven’t stacked enough life experience to know how to navigate sex as it applies to them. So maybe that’s you, or maybe you're not in your 20s…but feel like you missed out on some sexual basics. If that’s you, gather ‘round, because this best-of episode is devoted to all the killer advice I wish I’d been given in my 20s. Whether it’s figuring out what your turn-ons are, what to do when a partner constantly cheats, or how to try anal (one word: lube), I’m answering all of your ground zero sex questions today. We get into all of that, plus how to approach your first threesome, how to seek out couple’s therapy (yes: you can do it in your 20s!), and how to communicate your deepest desires in the bedroom.Show Notes:The Communication Guide The Yes No Maybe ListComing Together by Celeste and DaniellePjur Anal Lube Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We all want different things and different stages of our life, different ages, but most of us don't evolve. Most of us still have sex like we did in high school. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Sexual wisdom, like all wisdom, is self-awareness plus lived experience. But I hear from people in their

20s all the time who are shockingly self-aware. They just haven't stacked enough life experience to know how to navigate sex as it applies to them. So maybe that's you. Or maybe you're not in your 20s, but feel like you missed out on some sexual basics. And if that's you, gather round because this best of episode is devoted to all the killer advice I wish I'd be given in my 20s. And actually my 30s, I need advice all the time. Whether it's figuring out what your turn-ons are, what to do in a partner constantly cheats, or how to try anal, one word, lube, I'm answering all of your ground zero sex questions today. We get into all of that, plus how to approach your first threesome, how to seek out couples

therapy, yes you can do it in your 20s, and how to communicate your deepest desires in the bedroom. Hey, let's talk about intentions for a second. For each episode, just join me in setting intention for the episode. What do you want to get out of listening to this episode? I said intention, and my intention for this episode, was to basically help you deepen your sexual self-awareness. And hopefully save you a ton of guesswork on your unique sexual journey, no matter your age.

Also, please, please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. In my new article, how to make an awesome dating app profile is up at sexwithemlee.com. Also, check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, please do so. I love hearing from you. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithamily.com slash ask Emily or you can call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739 and please please please just always include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show. Oh, but listen, you can change your name if you want to remain anonymous.

I'm totally cool with that. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ an awesome throwback because it's a really important topic too. Listen, I know we can all use a little bit of refresher and hey, even if you're not in your 20s, I don't know about you, but the more I hear things, even listening to this episode for myself, I thought, oh yeah, I need to remember that because you're never done learning about sex. I just spent a week with my nieces who are in their 20s and I realize that not a lot has changed. It's still really important to learn about prioritizing your own pleasure and remembering what actually matters, how to set boundaries,

how to communicate. So it's all wrapped up in this episode. All right, here's a few tips before we get started. Number one, remember, research is research. What do I mean by that? Get to know your turn-ons individually. Solo sex is important. And for me, yes, I went to grad school. I read a lot of books on sex, but the best way to learn about your own sexuality

and what you want is by trying things out. So research is research. You can try audio-erotica, ethical porn, the written word, whatever turns you on. Take note of your turn-ons once you figure that out. Maybe in partnered sex, think about how do you like to be touched? What behaviors do you like? What's the vibe? What's the mood that you enjoy during sex? I love journaling about this stuff. In fact, after you've sex with someone, do you like a play-by-play? What was they wearing? What were they saying? What were they doing that turned me on? A lot of times we didn't even think about our past sexual experiences,

but think of it like your sexual DNA. There's so much information that you already have. I mean, if I asked you right now, what's the most memorable time you've had sex? Think about it. All right, now that you have that memory, there's information in there. Where were you? What were you wearing? Who was the person you were with? What was the weather like? Was there music playing?

Was there an element of surprise? Was it someone you knew? Was it a long time partner? See? You know so much more now. You know about a core erotic turn on on and that's what I'm talking about. Research is research. Number two, become a student of communication.

Forever. You are never done learning. And here's the other thing I want to tell you. You're never going to be a perfect communicator. Nobody is. But you're going to enjoy much better sex in this lifetime if you really commit to being the best listener you can be. And also committing, committing to expressing yourself in the most authentic, grounded way

possible. I used to think I was a great listener, but really I was great at talking. That's not listening. I thought it was a great communicator, but no, it's really listening, asking questions, observing, and don't do that dreaded making it about yourself. That'll happen to me once, no one wants to that. No one wants to be close to someone who's always making it about themselves. Oh, on that note, please, please, please consider therapy. I recommend it to everyone. It's never too soon to start on your own therapy journey as well.

And also, gain some tools at enhanced communication. Just download my guide, my three T's to communication. It's gonna change your life. You can use them during sex, you can use them in the bedroom, you can use them in every era of your life, my three T's. Get books at nonviolent communication. Really become a student of communicating.

It's never too late to train your brain and your nervous system to have better conversation with your lovers. Because like I always say, communication is a lubrication. And finally, keep it open mind. Hey listen, maybe you don't want to threesome or anal or an open relationship. That's fine. Maybe you never will. I'm totally cool with that. But listen, maybe someday you'll be interested in it. Maybe a friend will be. Stay open and stay curious. Your sexual desires are gonna change over time.

I mean, think about it. Do you like the same foods in your 20s as you did in your teens? Do you like the same music? Exactly. Music, food, sex, all these things change. And they expand and they grow throughout your lifetime. So be prepared to be amazed and excited by your future sexual self. And remember this, sometimes we aren't ready for something until we see positive examples of it

and suddenly it opens up the world to us. I'm all about sharing your real life questions here because we all learn from each other. And that's why I love your questions and I love hearing from you because you're being so honest and vulnerable. And then I try to pair it with really accurate sex information so you can find out what authentically turns you on,

intellectually, emotionally, and physically. And listen, if you really want to grow and have the hot transformative sex that we all want, the best thing you can do is to get to know yourself sexually and experiment with novelty, you know, trying out different fantasies, different sensations, explore, and have fun with this, have fun experimenting. Listen, sex is a journey, it's not a destination. We're missing. Listen, sex is a journey. It's not a destination. All right, everyone, on to your questions. Let's talk to Chelsea, 26 in California. Hi, Chelsea. Thanks for calling.

Hi, Emily. First I want to say like, thank you so much for like your podcast. I've been listening to it for years and you actually helped me get out of a reprise relationship. That's not why I'm calling. But I just want to thank you. And I really appreciate our conscious. Oh, you're're so welcome Chelsea, so glad I can help. Thank God. I got to have an abusive relationship. That's great. Yeah, that was a while ago. But my question now I'm in a healthy relationship now, but we started as like a kink relationship and now that I'm like healthy and I like graduated out of therapy, I'm just not into it anymore. And my partner still is.

Oh, well, first off, I just want to say congratulations for being 26 year old, getting out of a new abusive relationship and actually doing the work and having such self-awareness that you realize that kink worked for you and now you're no longer there. So that's really healthy. So I'm just going to tell you that And gradually, therapy, you're awesome. I think you just got a conversation with him. Like, do you think that he would be willing to be in a relationship with you?

Yeah, you talked about it. We talk about it all the time. And he's like, well, like will you try? And I was like, yeah. But I just like, I don't know, like, I mean, it's not anything like, I mean, obviously all the clay perigerent cancel with COVID and things like that. I'm like, well, maybe like, let's just put it

on hold until after COVID and then maybe if I go to a party with you, then I'll like be more interested in it. Can you explain to me how it's been like pre COVID? We met on set life and like we're into like rope and like some impacts and some sensation and I've been trying to get him now more into this sensation than like the impact. I think that's the main thing is like I just don't like the impact anymore is where I get to like it. Okay, you mean like spanking and discipline impact,

like slapping stuff? Yeah, and like, yeah, and like those toys that they have. Like the, yeah, like the vloggers and the paddles and stuff. Yeah, okay, so you graduate from that. So I think it sounds like you just need to explore with him. What does he say when you bring it up to him? He says no, you said that he's okay with it though. No, he's not. I mean, he still wants me in a relationship with me. He just like wants me to try to like be interested in it or teach him how I like it, but what are

used to like, I don't like anymore. Oh, okay. Well, Chelsea, let me tell you that the steps for this would be, let's go on an adventure together. Let's explore other ways to play. One of my first tips is to do some research. Get curious about what your options are to play sexually. Get, like, you'll see what's interesting to you.

That's my first step as to research. And then also you can go to our website, check out the Yes, No, Maybe list. You could both take that quiz and it lists literally every sex act you can imagine, kissing, spanking, cuddling, it has everything on there. And then you could see it's a Yes or a No or maybe. And even if you feel a bunch of babies or nose, that's progress and it might just get your mind going like,

oh, that sounds interesting. I don't know what that, let me look it up. So a lot of couples are using this as a great tool to, to like, a jumping off point. So don't be yourself up that you don't know where you want to go next. I want to congratulate you for knowing that the sex life you're having is no longer working for you. That's so beautiful that you know that. And I would say that your partner sounds like he's on board too, but he doesn't know what you want. But I'll bet if you present new scenarios and new things help you down.

He's probably was the year-age as well. Yeah. Great, he's just 26 years old. This is something I want to impart to everybody is that we all change sexually. We all want different things and different stages of our life, different ages. But most of us don't evolve. Most of us still have sex like we did in high school.

Most of us still have sex like we did before we got married or if you pay attention and you get curious about sex, you get curious about exploring, then the world opens up to you. So it's okay that you don't know right now. And I would talk to him in that way and say, hey, let's go on an adventure because you still, you really like this guy, right? Yeah, yeah, I feel.

Okay. So Chelsea, I feel good about this. I think that you just, you know, we would put so much pressure on ourselves that you should come to the table and you should have a whole new plan. But how would you know? How would you know if you haven't explored yet

and you've been having sex the same way, you know, with more kink? It's okay to not want kink anymore to want a variation of kink, yeah? So I think the list is a great idea because it's like a good launching off point. That's a great, it's a fun activity, get a glass of wine, you know, whatever.

Sit together, make a meal, and do the yes, no, maybe less. And then call me back. So if you're like, okay, well, we did this, but we want different things, or we want the same things. Let me know how it goes, okay? Just one step at a time. Okay, thank you.

Okay, bye, I tell you, thanks for calling. I appreciate you. Let's talk to Noah 23 and Earth Carolina. Thanks for calling. What's going on? Talk to me. Well, I guess I just don't really know where to start exactly.

I've been dating a girl for a little over a year now and we're very much in love. Like, she loves my family and we've really clicked. We talk about marriage often. We even basically have a date set that we know we want to get married. And we live together and I've always tried to be very open with communication about our sex life with her as

far as like being adventurous and like wanting to find out what she likes and what she's into but she's always been a little bit more closed off and so I've just kind of tried some things, taken some guesses and tried to like say hey you know we can talk openly about this like I want you to feel comfortable talking to me and it just gets worse. Like, now we're at the point where she's basically like, cut me off. Like, she seems to think that it's something that we both won't enjoy, and she doesn't even like make out with me if I initiate it, she'll pull away.

And otherwise, she brings me gifts, she's so sweet to me, she clearly still loves me, but it's almost like I'm being friend-zoned in my own relationship. And literally a few weeks ago, I even surprised her. I drove an hour both ways to get her her favorite sushi, and I surprised her with a candlelit dinner and a bottle of sake. And whenever I started to try to initiate something, she got really upset and left the room and got in her pajamas and just like that was it. No, God, you sound, you explain that really well. So let me just say thank you for that.

And I totally get what you're going through here. And it sounds really, really frustrating. So would you say that you're what of her first sexual experiences, this relationship? I don't think so. She's actually a bit older than me. Okay. Like 25. And yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I know it seems older when you're 23, but it's like in your 20s is the time where we hopefully start to explore ourselves. We have more time to figure out what we like. Maybe she's never really explored herself before or she doesn't really know how to talk about sex. Maybe she grew up in a home where it was shamed and it wasn't encouraged to talk about sex.

Maybe she doesn't know her own body yet. Unless you've been listening to my show for 10 years or you actively were seeking, you know, 15 years, you were seeking out sex information, I just think it's a set of, she doesn't really know enough about sex. Does she have orgasms? Does she have pleasure? Does she masturbate? I'm starting to question that I've gone down on her a few times and she says that she

really likes it and she says that she'd never like had someone that was as good at it as me. She seems to enjoy it, but she still is hesitant to let me do it. And she doesn't really seem to like it. She doesn't seem to like a territorial stimulation a whole lot. And so yeah, I haven't really figured that out yet. You don't know. Well, listen, you're doing everything right. But I think we got to start with the communication aspect here.

I'll bet that she just doesn't have a lot of experience with her own body. I think we hear this every day from young women in their 20s who feel they don't want someone to go down in them, they feel like they're dirty or their partner won't really want to. They've never had an orgasm. They've never explored their body.

Maybe they're holding on to something from childhood, religious shame. Maybe she had trauma I'm just throwing things out there. No, I don't know So you're doing everything like right? I'm sure you're being a wonderful boyfriend and God. I mean you got me so she I'd be in But there's something going on with her. Is she on any medications? She like on any depressants or birth control pill? Not that I'm aware of she's definitely not on birth control. I'm pretty sure she's not on anyidepressants or birth control pill. Not that I'm aware of. She's definitely not on birth control.

I'm pretty sure she's not on any antidepressants either. She does seem to have like some insomnia, so she takes melatonin, but that's about. Okay, yeah, melatonin is pretty safe. So no, I don't know if you ever listened to this show before. A lot of couples listen together. Like I think she just needs to start to hear the language of like it's

totally okay to talk about sex. It is something that our pleasure is our birthright. We all deserve to be sexual beings and to explore ourselves. And it's okay to ask for what we want. And listen, I was having sex, so I was 35 and then I realized I was not enjoying it as much. And I wasn't having orgasms and I was faking. So she's pretty much where a lot of women are. Because you're thinking, well, I'm a masturbating since I was, I don't know orgasms and I was faking. And so she's pretty much where a lot of women are. Because you're thinking, well, I'm a masturbating

since I was, I don't know how long, I don't know, I know I'm 16 or 15, it's like, you're like, what, she probably hasn't. I didn't masturbate until I was 25. I didn't even know about it. So what I'm hearing is that she loves you, she wants to be with you, she's doing really sweet things,

but this whole sex piece is sort of a really big unknown. It's like a big question mark over her head. A lot of us don't have accurate sex information. We weren't raised with sex ed in schools. The only thing we learned from is porn or someone gossiping about something in high school and then we think that's true. Like I don't really wanna go down on you.

Maybe she heard that once and think she's shameful. It's bad, it's wrong. I'm just kind of throwing out all the things, Noah, that you probably need to unpack together. Like I know you're asking her what she wants and what feels good, but I'm going to guarantee that she doesn't know sex. Maybe just feels kind of raw. She, because if your brain isn't on board for sex, you could be doing all the right moves. No, what? You could be the best oral master ever. And if her brain is going, oh, no, does he want to be there? I'm not sure. Does it

feel good? Does it not? She won't have an orgasm. She won't have pleasure because she can't let go because her head is telling her something else. So that's what you got to impact there. So I think what I recommend always is taking this conversation outside the bedroom. Next time you're having a nice candlelit dinner or you know, tonight or whenever you want you just say, I've really been thinking about this. You know, hey, I just want to kind of talk about our sex life. I noticed that it seems to me it's getting you upset lately and I would really like to help you figure out what's going on and let's talk about it. And I know you said you've said this before, but sometimes we need to say it a few times

if she's had 25 years of a different message about sex, you bringing it up once or twice isn't going to get her on board. You want to be with somebody who knows what they don't know, who's like, I get it, you're right, I have some shame around it, let's work on it. But if she just keeps shutting you down the next six months when you keep trying to talk about it, then you have some more information. But I don't know what she's absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.

I've tried to a few times, but she also will come up with excuses sometimes, like, and or she'll just get upset, but I don't know what the best way to communicate with her is sometimes she'll say that she's depressed or that maybe it'll hurt when we have sex or she just comes up with different things. Maybe she has been trying to offer solutions. Well, I think I heard you go to the doctor about it. Okay, so does she have pain? She's not as she probably is having pain. Yeah, I've tried to encourage her to go to the doctor about it, but I have not had any success yet.

Has she told you she has pain? She said she doesn't really know for sure. She wonders if she has a cyst or something, but she also has admitted that it might just be in her head and she's also said that she thought that she's had hormonal imbalances before but then the doctors said no. I'm not entirely convinced and then sometimes she just says that like she hasn't seen her she moved here from somewhere else so she says she hasn't seen her friends and she's just upset about that and that's why she doesn't want to be intimate with me. But then even less encouraging is the fact that we're planning on moving to an entirely different city

in the next couple of years. So don't see that getting better. No, I would work on this. I would work on this. Yeah. One other thing too, I think I miss her, due she's actually 31. So she is a little bit older than me.

OK. She's dated. She dated someone that was much older than her at 1.2. So I just, I don't know. Huh. Do you know if she's ever had any trauma? She may have. She hasn't been super open with me about that.

I do know that she's had some abusive relationships in the past. So I wonder if something like that went down. But I don't really know how to approach that subject gently. I think, yeah, I mean, no, you sound really gentle and really loving. So I think just saying, I really care about you and I want to help you unpack this. And you could even, she probably needs you here to say it's not just because I want to have more sex with you, what you do, but you could say, it's not that.

I'm trying to get you to have sex with me right now, even if we need to take a break for months, what you figure this out, I'm fine with that, but you want to get you to have sex with me right now, even if we need to take a break for months, while you figure this out. I'm fine with that, but you want to see her on the path. But also, 80% of women have pain at some point in their lives with sex. It could be something called vaginismus, where every time maybe it's a tampon or a penis or anything enters her, that could be painful too. And then she needs to go to a pelvic floor, a physical therapist. It's just this conversation, you're 23 year old man

and you are right now to call in about this because there's a lot of important things in a relationship but our sexual health and wellness is a pillar or overall well-being in when our sex life isn't going well. It's hard to have the relationship go well. So this is going to take some packing and some listening. But I don't think it that she doesn't like you. It sounds everything you're saying, it's like it's either pain or trauma or shame.

And that's what you got to tell her that, you know, you're here to help her or she if she should go to therapy because everyone needs therapy at some point. I believe it really helps. I believe you too. Well, thank you so much. Of course Noah, I'm here. Let me know how it goes, you know, like,

because I will be here for you. All right. Well, thank you very much Emily. Have a great night. Thanks for calling. I appreciate you. You too. You guys, it is not easy to have these conversations. This, it could be religion. It could be pain. It could be a message you had growing up. Because I hear this every time and I don't just hear it from 23 year olds, I hear it from 50 year olds. I want to say it's more women I hear about.

If I hear from men who are with women and they say, my wife, I want to spice it up, it's been 20 years, but she won't talk about it. And it's sort of the same thing. Have you ever talked about it before? Does she have pain? Does she feel it's okay to ask for what she wants? Sex is a journey. It is not a destination.

We don't just learn everything. Even if we had excellent sex ed and we knew all the stuff about pleasure and Safety we still would have to explore what we like I mean think about how you developed like your palate for foods you like like you know when you go into a restaurant What kind of what what flavors you're ordering what food you like do you want pasta do you want pizza do you want chicken like you know Maybe you never eat chicken So you're like I will not have chicken But you know because of the lifetime of eating food you know, maybe you never eat chicken. So you're like, I will not have chicken, but you know, because of the lifetime of eating

food, you figure out what you're into. Your sex life is exactly the same. And if you haven't tasted as many different flavors, you are not going to know. And then on that, you put shame, you put trauma, you know, her, you know, maybe she's afraid of hurting her partner's feelings. Maybe she's like, no, I don't want to hurt your feelings. So if I tell you that I have pain, then you're going to leave me. I mean, there's a lot of different things, but we have to clear out all these roadblocks

to even getting to sex. That's what I'm saying that no matter what age you are, I can't just say, well, download the yes-no-maybe list. Buy your partner a toy. You can't lead with that stuff. You've got to clear the cobwebs of the communication. You've got to get into it. You've got to, like, there, and every relationship's

going to have this. And the older you get in the longer your wisdom one, it gets a lot harder to talk about your sex life. But I say, start now. Start tonight. When we come back, we'll talk to Elizabeth, whose boyfriend keeps cheating on her. Let's talk to Elizabeth 27 in Connecticut.

What's going on? Hi. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily.

Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. . Hi. Hi, I'm Lee. Hi, I'm Lee. Hi, I'm Lee. So essentially I met my boyfriend last July. We met on Tinder actually. And you know, in the beginning it was more of like a sexual relationship and we were both comfortable with that because I just got out of a long relationship. So I didn't necessarily want anything that was, you know, too crazy.

Things kind of progressed with him and, you know, we did end up starting to date. And I believe it was like February we were away together for this very romantic trip to Boston and I come back home Monday morning I get a message on Facebook that's basically like blah blah blah blah my boyfriend and I'm like wait what you know I was

completely in his picture she was talking about your boyfriend yeah my but she called the my boyfriend yeah yeah wow yeah okay yeah, wow. Yeah, okay. So, yeah, so, you know, thanks to Richa with that, we ended up, you know, breaking up for a while. This is when quarantine has first started. So, he was by himself.

I was by himself just soaking in my thoughts. So, you know, after a few months, I kind of decided, you know, let me give him a chance to kind of rectify the situation and talk about it because I had also been in the same situation with my ex partner. Her and I were in that same kind of predicament towards the end of our relationship. So I understood and I empathized where he came from and I knew it was it was me, I would

want a second chance. So you know, we did all that. He is one of his really good friends. Like I would say one of his best friends had passed away in late August. So after we had gotten back together, we were living together at this point again and you know, his best friend had passed away and I just noticed a big change in his like personality and I noticed that he was starting to ask very different. One night I just had the, you know, just the idea of something just didn't feel right.

So I ended up going through his phone which normally I don't ever do, I have no reason to do that unless you know there is an actual reason that presents itself. So I did, I found some stuff with a phone number with the area code that was actually from Connecticut and he was from New Jersey. So I was like this is really weird. So I confronted him about it, he had it up coming clean. So with a girl that I actually went to high school um, surprisingly enough and I guess they had met up and they slept together and you know immediately after when I found out um, it was it was a big blowout, you know, we did have like a big argument about it. So fast forward to today. We are I'm almost like embarrassed to say, but we are we are still together together. We've done a lot of talking, you know, being in quarantine together is forced us to really

like reevaluate our relationship. What it is that both of us want, what it is we both need and what we want from each other. So we've had a lot of really good conversations and I will say as a partner, he does want to do better and I think he does want to rectify what he does, but he has this like this serial pass. And I'm just wondering, like, is there a way for us to move on? You know, what do we do to like move forward? We talk all the time.

We are very open with each other. We do have those great conversations where we're, you know, I believe starting to build trust again, but it's like, is it possible to like move forward? You know, it's a great question. I mean, Elizabeth, I only think that people change if they want to change. So he can't just say I'm not going to cheat again. He doesn't know why he's got an impulse.

It's probably intimacy issues. You get too close and he, it's hard for him. Like, is he your age as well? Is he also 27? He's 29. So he's a little bit older. Yeah. He's a long relationship type of guy.

Usually I get sicker people after about six months or so. So for me to be with him for as long as I have been, to me means that I do have these very strong feelings for him, but it's just for me, I don't know really like where to move forward with this situation because it's like, I don't want to hold it against him. And I do truly believe that he does want to change because his actions since you know, August have really like taken a big turn. It's a 180, you know, I do see that and I do believe that and you know, I know action

speak louder than words, but like I said, we have all these conversations and he is there for me and he supports me and everything that I do, and he only lifts me up, like he only brings good into my life except for that one issue, you know, has happened twice. Yeah. Does he tell you why it happened? Did he say? Which is ex-girlfriend, I think they were just at a point where, you know, it was a long distance thing at that point that he was living in Connecticut for work and that's actually like, you know, how we were able to meet on Tinder with the girl that I knew from, you

know, my hometown, he says, and I hope to believe that it's just the tragedy of losing a loved one because he's had a lot of loss in his life. And I think that he's just not dealing with it. And then it's leaking out into other parts of his life, for example, our relationship. I mean, I don't think that you just rebuild trust because time goes by. I think that, I mean, I think you're very forgiving. I just think that there's usually something else. Do you guys want to get married? Do you want to be a monogamous?

Have you guys talked about what you both want? Yeah. I mean, you know, we've had very serious conversations about, you know, marriage and children and just where we want to go with our lives together. It's not like this is just a little fling. We've been doing this for almost a year and a half now, almost almost going out two years now. And it's like, we've gotten to that point. He even says to me all the time, he's like, I told you things that I have literally never told another person before.

And you obviously want to believe that that's true. But he told me some very deep, intimate things that you don't just like share with anybody you know. Well, but I don't think of that means that he's not going to cheat. I'm going to be honest just because he's telling you things. Oh yeah. It's more like does he does he fantasize about being with other people? Does he really think you're the last woman he's going to sleep with for the rest of his life? Is he the last man you're going to sleep with for the rest of your life? This said there are statistics that show this. I am not making this up that when someone's

starts a new relationship by cheating, they're going to cheat on you, they're going to cheat on the next part of the next part of the next part until they figure out maybe they just don't want to be immunogamous. Maybe there's someone who wants a relationship. Maybe he still has some stuff he wants to try out. I'm sure it's not about you, it was variety. And he's, you guys were in your 20s. And a lot of people just kind of want to, you know, maybe he wants his cake, you need it too. He's like, well, I really like being with you. I don't know, but I can't guarantee, like, yeah,

it sounds like it's been good for a few months, but it was good for a few months last time as well. And the fact that he's telling you deep, intimate things doesn't mean that he's not going to cheat when the impulse, when something happens. There's an impulse. Right. So that's where I'm telling you.

And I recommend couples therapy. I know you might think that's you've been together. Yeah. But even just going a few times could be helpful. I'd have a hard time trusting right now. Yeah. So we've had conversations about going to therapy together. Unfortunately, both of us had lost our jobs during the pandemic.

So it's like a kind of a position where we don't have insurance, you know, go to do things or stuff, you know, kind of at home just talking things out and, you know, just, you know, going day by day pretty much. I'm very strong feeling for him. And like I kind of said before, when it hits that six month mark, I'm usually like, eh, I'm okay, you know, but with him, I do feel that strong connection and I do want this to be like my my last relationship and, you know, he's expressed the same thing. It's just, you know, so hard to obviously know with the other person's thinking, you almost want like, you know, some way to read their mind, but obviously that's not possible. Right.

Right. Well, they're just a little bit more like understanding, like doing some deep dive into like, what are your values? What does the future look like? What what what your views around money? Do you both want kids? What kind of sex do you like having? Like check out our yes-no-maybe list

at sexwithamily.com and download that. Like start having conversations about real things so you can start to figure out are we people that who really could say together and like the same kind of things? Yeah, are you compatible? I mean, I think that's what you got to figure out right now. Not just sharing things about your past and it's great that he trusts you because you

can make excuses. It's about the X was already over and that this one was because his friend died, but I don't know. My friend died. I'd want to go towards the person that was giving me love and support. I agree. I agree. I agree. So I think he just needs

to he needs his own therapy. I think you know, I have things that I want to work on myself, but in order for us to be happy together, I think we need to be happy. Separately, you know, well, that's true too. Maybe you kind of get to take all that. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. I think if you could definitely get some kind of therapy right now, I think it's always helpful to have therapy, especially in your 20s or when you're gotten like a huge crisis. It's a good time to go. Okay. I think if there's a good book you guys could do together.

Oh, the book is called Coming Together by Celeste and Danielle, the sex theory book, Coming Together. And it's a really good book. Okay. It's about embracing your core desires, sexual fulfillment and long-term compatibility. And it's a book about sex. I mean, it's mostly sex compatibility, but I'm gonna be honest with you.

You're probably gonna find out some things about, I think that's actually where a lot of couples fall short because they haven't talked about sex. And then they get married and 20 years go by and they realize they don't even like the same kind of sex. So maybe do something like that. Right. Once a week get together.

All right. Thanks, Elizabeth. Thank you so much for your help and just kind of talking me through it. I appreciate it. Yeah, of course. Take that next step. Thanks for calling. Miley, 22 in San Francisco.

Hi, Miley. Thanks for calling. What's going on? Hi, Emily. Hi. I just had a couple questions about the drawback to anal. I was just wondering what the, like, if there were any negative consequences of it, and if you had it too frequently, what you should look out for, anything you should keep an eye on when you're doing

that sort of set. Great question, Marley. Great question, because yes, there's dangers to anal sex if you do it incorrectly. And that's why it gets such a bad rap for being so painful. And so if you just have no warm-up and you just, your partner just sticks it in. Are you with a penis? A man, are you, are you talking about for you?

Yeah, I'm good. Okay, so here's the thing is that it's all about these few things that are the most important. The most important is that you're relaxed, that you're breathing Miley, that you're already turned on. Maybe you've already had a literal orgasm. Maybe he's already gone down on you. You know, you're already like making out or maybe you're already even having sex, penetrative sex.

And then you want to make sure that you are in a comfortable position, rolled over, and then you use a ton of loop. Like my best tips are like use a lot of loop. I recommend a silicone loop. Pure makes silicone loop that's incredible. It's called pure analyze, actually. It's an anal loop.

You could also, he could also try with a finger first. Make sure that his hands are clean and nails are trimmed and all those things, but he could also just start teasing you on the outside. But what happens is a lot of times, like the anus is not self lubricating, so it could be dry when you stick something in, so you're just going to make sure that you do all the prep. Okay, yeah. I will, my follow up question was going to be which lube do you recommend, but thank you for covering that on the first round. Of course, yeah, well because it's all about loop, Marley, you're not allowed to have

a anal sac to that loop. I won't let you. Okay, well, really noted. Okay. Thank you. Of course, let me know how it goes. Thanks for calling Marley, I appreciate you. We're going to take a quick break, but stick around for my call with Hannah, who's looking

to have a threesome. We're going to talk to Hannah 27 in Indiana. We're going to help you girl. Hannah, what's up? Thanks for calling. Hi, hi Emily. So nice to talk to you. You too. So I have a question about three sums and how to get that started with my husband. We've been married for four years and we've always like talked about a three sum as a fantasy, but we have two main concerns. One, we've only ever had sex with each other because we've only ever dated and been with each other. So we're kind of nervous about, I guess, having that sexual interaction with another person. And then, we are parents. We have an almost one year old, and I know it's kind of, people don't really think of parents as like sexual beings, even though they had to

have sex to make the baby. Yeah. Being like, like, engaging in that type of idea, I guess, is looks down on, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, we don't look down to you. We celebrate you, Hannah. You are awesome. You've been with your husband for a few years. You have a young child, and you're still sexually curious, and you guys want to expand your sexual

repertoire. I think this is amazing. We all support you in this mission. So the first thing is you said that you have been together and you've talked about it. Have you sort of role-played it? Are you talked dirty about it? Or has it just been, hey, maybe we should try this some time. How far along? Openly as like a fantasy.

I've actually just started listening to your podcasts within the last month or so. So we're starting to talk more of like dirty talking about it. And kind of like experimenting that way. And like making sure talk more of like, dirty talking about it, and kind of like experimenting that way, and like making sure we both be like, actually comfortable with the situation. So we've gotten that far, and then we've also like started to try to look on like absence of that,

but we haven't really had a lot of success. I'm just getting a feel for what's out there, I guess. Okay, so we can, so first off, that's great, because I always say, this is something that you want to go slow with a partner. You want to do talk about it. What would it look like? Is the third, who is the third? You know, what's the gender?

What's the, what's off limits? You have to set boundaries and stuff. And so, and then finding a third. Yeah. I mean, it would say that you guys are pretty, you know, you're moving along in a nice pace. We don't have to rush. We're definitely not in a rush. That's just something that we've really recently with them in the last year started talking about more seriously.

And I know it's a very common fantasy, too. It is. I'd say it's the most common, one of the most common. And women, too, though, really. I think men talk about it more, but if you really drill down, a lot of women have this fantasy as well. And then just let me just say this about having a kid. I think that in our

professions here, we I celebrate that. I love, you know, that your parents and that you're also realizing how important it is to stay sexually healthy and to communicate. And I think that you get a babysitter for the night, you know, your parents, when someone comes to watch the kids, I don't look down on this at all. I think it's actually you're setting yourself up for for success in the sex part. Oh, I me feel better. You never know. Yeah, no, I'm here for you, Hannah.

So see how that goes. Kind of played with the dirty top the next few weeks and thanks for calling into the show. I appreciate it. All right, Hannah, have a great night. Thank you so much for calling. Kareen, 22 in DC. Has a question.

Hi, Kareen, what's going on? How can I help you? Hey Emily. Hi. I have a little PC problem that's got a big. Okay. I'll just talk to the guy for a couple of months. You know, we decided to do the deal. He's not really good at the giving head situation. I don't know how to like. I felt like I tried to direct him. I don't feel like he was still picking it up. I wonder how I could better probably teach him. It's a great question because this is important. Well, here's the thing. Karin, here's the thing. He's he your age as well. Is he 22? He is 22. I can say one so.

Okay. Yeah. Does he want to please you? Like do you think he wants to get good at it? Is he trying? Yeah, he is trying. Okay. So that's good, because there's some guys who are like, nope, I'm not into it. It's not my thing. So we know he wants to try.

Have you had good oral sex before? So that's the thing. I haven't had a lot of it now. Right. I was going to tell you that most listen, and I don't want this to be an unpopular. I don't often just say things like this, but when you're 22, 21, he haven't had as much experience. It's a skill. And it takes different women and different experiences to kind of know what you're doing. And I don't think I had great oral ties like in my 30s. So like, I'm just telling you

that most people don't know. Every woman's body is a little bit different. But do you have orgasms on your own? A pleasure. Do you have orgasms on my own? Yeah. Do you masturbate? I do.

OK. So you know what feels like. I don't use a little toy. Oh, that's OK. You don't have to use toys, but do you have an orgasm? Have a good orgasm. Oh, good. Amazing.

So do you like touch your clitoris? Do you rub yourself? Do you know what you do when you're touching yourself? Probably just a finger in. Inside, okay. Awesome. That's a good step. That's a good start. So the first thing that's important is just to go slow

because I feel like a great like overall oral sex tip, if you're going down on a Volvo, would be to get comfortable position and then just start to tease and like lick around the clitoris, you know, maybe like tease your thighs and not go right for the clitoris and start like, you know, munching away at it and aggressively that I think for many women, it's a lighter touch and it's a build up, but it's slow and it's sort of like making out with your mouth, but they're sort of making out with your vulva, external part of your vagina. Like, you can even show him what you do when you masturbate, like how you touch yourself to bring yourself to orgasm. A hot thing to do is to have him watch, like you do it so you could also do mutual masturbation

where you're both masturbating and getting yourselves off. And then it's really hot to watch each other. And then also you are learning, kind of he's learning by watching you what you like. Oh, my God. So, yeah. So, that's a great thing to do, you know? And I think that it's experimenting and actually asking him to and saying,

is it okay if I give you direction, like when you're doing it and you guys could sort of learn together. Mm, okay. Okay, Emily, we have to check that out. All right, Greene, and now, so if you go to sexathomewe.com, we've got a lot of great tips there for you. But I would just start with some of those.

And just be patient with them. I love that he wants to try. Right, no, thank you so much. Oh my God, you're so welcome. Oral sex is an important skill that we all need to cultivate, I believe. All right, thanks, Greene. Great call.

I think that's something that you want to get good at. You want to get good at paying it. And the thing is that you just want to get a badge of honor that you're the best at oral. It's different with every partner. Would I just mention just experimenting with different bodies? And so then when you're with someone new, you kind of know to pay attention to the way that they react when you touch them in different places, you can look at their face, you can kind of tell when they're getting a rouse and turned on,

but you have to learn that by doing. Let's talk to Carly, 20 in California. Hi Carly, thanks for calling. Hi, how are you? I'm great. I'm calling because me and my ex-boyfriend have kind of been in the process of getting back together, but we live this long distance, so we've kind of just been trying to figure out how that looks like. And just recently this week, we decided that it would be best if we did an open relationship, and this is after we had both actually been physical with other people that we had before. So we kind of just thought this is probably what's best for us. And so I was kind of just hoping to get someone by some like, how is the best way to go forward

with an open relationship? It's my first time ever doing anything like this. And kind of like how much weight should I be putting on a stuff I'm doing with other people who aren't my boyfriend? Well, yeah, Carly, it's a great question. How long have you guys been together? We dated for probably on and off like a year total and then we broke up at the beginning of the summer and have been talking and kind of seeing each other more often since like

August or September. Okay. How long distance he's moving out of town or you're moving? Yeah, we're about six hours apart. So here's a thing about open relationships. It takes a lot of communication and a lot of boundary setting. And most couples learn on the job sometimes, like, oh, what that made me jealous. I didn't want to hear about this hook up or that hook up.

So you have to learn if you're really great communicators. So your question is how much should you emphasize the other person? I mean, I think, you mean, how much time should you give another person if he's your primary partner? It's a good call. Okay. time should you give another person if he's your primary partner? Yeah, it's kind of time how much, yeah, how much of like my emotional time and like stuff like that too should I be like putting on other things I'm doing with other people. Well, I think it's a case by case basis. I don't know how long you guys going to be living in separate cities for like do you know that eventually you'll be in the same place again?

It's kind of indefinite because I'm still in school and he's okay. So, Carly, what is it about an open relationship that's appealing to you? Because my thing is like you're 20, you're in college, like that's such a good time to explore and be with other people without having to put strict boundaries on. Like you may meet someone and sleep with them a few times, you're like, oh wow, I'm catching feelings. Like I kind of feel that this could be something. But then you got to restrain it because at your age, you know what I mean?

Like it's just it's harder to maintain these kind of relationships, I think. And maybe not always worth it because, I mean, are you looking to get married and settle down, have kids in the next year? No. Okay. Definitely not.

There's something up in your age and your in college and your meeting people. We change so much in our 20s that I would say this is a good opportunity for you to experiment, be with other people people and maybe it's not open as much as it is just when he comes to town you see each other but then you spend all your time on the phone your face timing all day your texting back and forth and then you're not getting to be present and be with your friends and meet other people colleges to precious time for that. That's true. Yeah, you're right. So that's what I think. Like, if you were my niece or something,

would you could be? I'd be like, that's what I would tell you. I would be like, and I would tell myself, I had a long distance relationship, my soft, my freshman year of college. I still go back on that. I don't have a lot of grits. Like, I love the relationship.

He was great, but I remember being so preoccupied with like every other weekend, I go to his college, go to mine. And I thought, I wish I just kind of stayed put and really got to be with my people. And because it just doesn't last, like if I could never be with someone I was with when I was 25, I'm a different person. So, or 20, that's my advice for you, Carly.

It's a lot of work being in a, unless it could be totally open and flexible, like without a label, like you're going to see them and he'll agree to like, well, let's just kind of be loose about this. You won't have strict rules around it. But if we see each other, it's meant to be and we feel good, we'll hook up. Yeah, just... Okay. That's my voice.

Okay, thank you so much. Of course, Carly, have a great night. Thanks for calling. You too. Yeah. Okay. Bye. That's it for today's episode.

See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or

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