Sex With Emily - Best Of: Sex Up Your Love Language

Episode Date: March 1, 2024

Ever wondered if there's a way to spice things up in the bedroom AND reignite the spark between you and your partner? Well, today I'm about to help you crack the code of the 5 Love Languages and super...charge your relationship. I'll also tackle your burning questions like what to do when you and your partner speak different love languages (more common than you’d think), how to keep the love alive in a long-distance relationship, and sex hacks based on your unique love language combo. And if that wasn't enough, I also discuss some awkward situations like accidentally critiquing your partner's penis or navigating that awkward phase when you and your partner feel like the spark is gone. In today’s episode, you’ll learn: All about the 5 Love Languages How to keep the flame burning in a long-distance relationship How to best express your desires with your partner (even if your love languages are different!) Show Notes: Love Language Quiz Je Joue Mimi Soft Talk Dirty to Me w/ Joanna Angel SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Sex with Emily is looking for a new senior podcast producer. We are sorry to say goodbye to Erica, but she is leaving to pursue her music career, and I know she's going to have much success. We are looking for a senior producer right now that can start and help us with content production. You have technical expertise. You know how to manage a team. You can collaborate, and you have experience working in production with audio or podcasting and video.
Starting point is 00:00:31 And you're also familiar with the content because you're listening to the show. Send your cover letter and resume to jobs at We'd love to have you join our growing team, and we have a good time over here. Thank you. And again, these are useful because if you find yourself in the same fight with your partner because they won't clean up after themselves, they never say I love you, you feel like you don't spend enough time together, maybe you're speaking to each other in different love languages. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation
Starting point is 00:01:15 around sex. Everyone wants to feel loved. Am I right? I know I do. But what if there was a way to give love that could also lead to hotter, more connected sex? Well, in today's show, I share how to crack the code on the five love languages that will improve all your relationships. Now, listen, since everyone expresses love differently, it's important to know what your partner's expectations are to avoid disappointments and listen.
Starting point is 00:01:41 Many couples end up in a rut because they don't understand what their partner needs or their partner's love language. So just understanding and grasping the concept of the love languages is just an easy way to amp up all the love and all the sex in your relationship. So in this episode, I break it down for you and I also answer your questions like, what to do if you have a different love language than your partner, which is way more common than you think, ways to show love in a long distance relationship, and specific ways to express yourself sexually based on your love language and your partners. My two articles, how to deal with a low sex drive and what you can do to boost it, and how to have a threesome are up on
Starting point is 00:02:26 All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. You know how a good workout can pump up your muscles and get your blood racing? Well, guess what? There's a muscle group you've probably been neglecting and it's not your calves, it's your penis. Now, before you start trying to lift weights with your penis, let me introduce you to the gym for your penis. Bathmate. It's the world's top-selling penis pump, and it's about to become
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Starting point is 00:03:52 and see what all the fuss is about. Visit slash sexwithemly today to take advantage of their amazing deals. That's B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E slash sexwithemly. It's risk-free, just add water. Let's talk about the love languages. Maybe you've heard of this concept. The five love languages comes from Dr. Gary Chapman.
Starting point is 00:04:19 He's American author, he's a pastor, a radio talk show host, and he described five ways romantic partners express and receive love. So the basic idea is that everyone gives and receives love differently. But when we figure out our own love language and our partners will better be able to communicate our love and strengthen our relationships. And the cool thing is that Gary Chapman was a pastor, so he was like seeing couples for like 25 years, and that's how he pinpointed these, and they make a lot of sense. And in fact, I've often recommended to couples, figure out your partner's love language is like an easy way to jumpstart a more loving relationship. It's helped a
Starting point is 00:04:58 lot of couples just get through resentments and it's not going to solve all your problems, but it's really eye-opening. And ever since I first learned about the love languages, probably almost a decade ago, I think about it all the time. I think about it with people in my life. It's not just lovers. I think about my own love languages. I think about my employees.
Starting point is 00:05:17 So it's really helpful. So I just wanted to break it down for you so you understand it. So there's five ways of experiencing love. And we want all of these, don't get me wrong. But we all tend to have one to two primary love languages. For example, one of them is gifts. And sure, I love getting a gift,
Starting point is 00:05:35 but that's not my primary love language. And I just want you to remember that we can express all the love languages, and they're all important. But what we're talking about here is finding out your primary love language. So what are the five love languages?
Starting point is 00:05:50 It's acts of service, gift giving, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. So I'm gonna go through them and describe them and then think about which one of the love languages resonates with you the most. And it also helps to take the quiz, which we will put in our show notes. And again, these are useful because if you find yourself
Starting point is 00:06:14 in the same fight with your partner because they won't clean up after themselves, they never say, I love you, you feel like you don't spend enough time together, maybe you're speaking to each other in different love languages. Our primary love language is often not the same as our partners, so we often give love
Starting point is 00:06:31 the way we want to receive it. But if our partner isn't speaking that language, it's not gonna resonate. So I'm gonna break it down. The first one is acts of service. If active service is your primary love language, it means that you really feel loved when your partner spends time to make your life easier. So this can
Starting point is 00:06:51 be simple household chores to filling the car with gas when you know without having to ask to, you know, watching the kids when you go out thinking ahead. So thinking ahead about how they can make your life easier. So this is for our people who like, actions speak louder than words. That's you. So what you would like if this was your language, for example, you'd like more help around the house.
Starting point is 00:07:17 You like when your partner runs errands or helps you moving or helps you organize your closet. You feel so good when your partner makes you breakfast in bed, took the dog for a walk, did the grocery shopping, and you didn't have to ask. Folded, put away their own laundry. So essentially, think of it this way. Anything that eases your stress and takes the burden off your shoulders. So let me give you a friend of mine, hers is acts of service. So I'll give you an example.
Starting point is 00:07:47 The first one was that she really wanted him to hang up this painting in their house until she left it at the foot of the stairs. And for like a month, he kept walking past it and walking past it. You know, he was still doing things like saying he loved her. They were still having sex, which is, you know, physical touch. There were other things he was doing,
Starting point is 00:08:03 but this really got under her skin. She's like, why is he walking past, hanging up this photo, hanging up this picture when he knows it's important to me? So that really irked her. Now for me, it might not bother me that much. I might be like, why don't we just hire someone to come in and hang it up?
Starting point is 00:08:19 And I remember he was like, can you carry these? Well, I'm on a call and she was just pissed. Cause she's like, I don't want to carry the groceries. Like that, it's like the acts of chivalry. So that's acts of service. So let's talk about sex acts and acts of service. So this is easy. I mean, if you think about it,
Starting point is 00:08:36 any sex act could fall under this love languages, but especially ones where there's a clear giver and receiver like oral sex or massages, you know, your partner says to you, if this is your love language, just lay down, I'm gonna massage you for 15 minutes and just give you pleasure. That's what we're talking about with Acts of Service. So maybe a romantic date act,
Starting point is 00:08:57 if you're partnered with this and your love language is your primary language, you might appreciate if they made dinner for you instead of you taking care of dinner all the time or they went out of their way to do something that you appreciate like they remember to set the mood and they lit candles and they turn on music something that you often do but this time they decided to do it one evening they were like I'm gonna do this for you or maybe you just came home and the entire house was clean. So that's acts of
Starting point is 00:09:23 service. Again I'm gonna going to remind you if you haven't listened to these before or heard about them, yes, you would appreciate all those things. We all would. But once I get through these, you're going to see that there's going to be one to two that really spoke to you. Okay, the next is gift giving. So people who value gift giving want thoughtful gifts that indicate their partners have been listening to them and thinking of them throughout the day. Now this can be done by sending flowers in the middle week or buying them a certificate to a spa and
Starting point is 00:09:52 it's not about money here it's the thought behind the gift. So it's not that you're interested in a monetary value your partner bought you a brand new car they just really appreciate like the time and the care that went into finding the gift itself. So to explain it better, it's the thought that counts. So, you know, when someone gets you the perfect gift, they really know you and they get you and they took the time. Maybe they wrapped it beautifully
Starting point is 00:10:19 and wrote you a really thoughtful card. And maybe someone just brought you your favorite flowers. They remembered that you told them these were your favorite flowers, and they did it just because. Maybe there's something that you've been wanting for a while and you kept telling your partner that it was a jacket that you really admired.
Starting point is 00:10:34 You kept saying, I wanna go buy that jacket. You were talking about it, and they remembered. They went out, they found the jacket, they found the store, and they got it for you. So something you've been wanting. Maybe they send you a surprise package at work, or got it for you. So something you've been wanting. Maybe they send you a surprise package at work, or they sign you up for a class you've been wanting to take. So much goes into really giving a good gift.
Starting point is 00:10:52 It takes thought, it takes consideration. And most importantly, it makes you feel the most loved by your partner, or one of the main ways that you feel loved. Now think about it, in the absence of that, it's maybe your partner forgot your birthday or they just get you something last minute and it happens for years. You probably feel maybe they're doing
Starting point is 00:11:13 a ton of acts of service for you, but you still feel like, God, what's it with gifts? Now I have a friend, she's been married for a long time and her love language is gifts and every year her husband for years, the first few years of their relationship, he just would get her love language is gifts. And every year her husband for years, the first few years of their relationship, he just would get her stuff that was random. I remember one time he got her camping equipment
Starting point is 00:11:31 and he likes to camp. He got her some tools or something random and she was like, what does it deal with gifts? So now they got it set up that she tells them exactly what she wants. These are my top three gifts I want for the holidays. This is what I want for my birthday. So she's giving him the tools to fulfill her love language.
Starting point is 00:11:49 Okay? Now, a sex act that would fall under gifts? Well, maybe if your partner asked you like, hey babe, do you have any fantasies and surprised you and lived it out in real life. That'd be a pretty good gift. Or maybe they got you a new toy or a brand new product or new bottle of lube that goes along with your fantasies and sexual preferences.
Starting point is 00:12:13 So those would be some fun things. Now a romantic or a date night thing that would be great for someone with gifts as your love language. Maybe they bought you tickets to see your favorite artist. They found out they were coming to town and they bought you tickets. Maybe they always arrive on a date with a little extra something to let them know they've been thinking about you. They stopped and bought your favorite chocolates
Starting point is 00:12:32 or they just wrote you a really nice card. So think about it. Do you feel the most loved when someone gives you a gift? All right, let's move on to the third one and that's physical touch. Valuing physical touch as a love language means appreciating and feeling so affirmed and so loved through physical connection. Whether that's kissing or cuddling, holding hands, or really any kind of sex.
Starting point is 00:12:58 So if this is your love language, you might just feel the most loved when your partner gives you a hug, or cuddles you or hold your hands or puts their arm around you while you're watching a movie. They give you a back massage. I mean, a great way to recognize the love languages are think about the absence of it. So also, maybe your partner doesn't hug you or doesn't really touch you that much. They never put their arm around you. And you might feel really sort of alone. Now, they might be buying you gifts and doing the laundry, but you just don't have that touch from them. So I can tell you that this is my primary love language is physical touch.
Starting point is 00:13:38 And when I've been with partners where physical touch isn't their primary love language, it's not really important to them to be touching. They're okay if we went hours without touching or they could come home and not touch me. And I feel alone. Like I remember sleeping with a guy once and after we'd sex, he rolled over and went to the other side of the bed. Now, many of you were like, or thinking, thank God, I don't want anyone touching me. I get hot. I've heard from all of you. I get it. You're like, I don't want anyone touching me I get hot I've heard from all of you I get it you're like I don't want the blank I want my own blankets and my own bed I am not that way I want to fall asleep touching
Starting point is 00:14:12 somebody with their armor on me it's okay if you move in the middle of the night but I even if my pinky toe was touching their leg that will work but I just feel so loved when I get touch. And this can be a tricky love language to navigate sometimes when your partner doesn't have physical touch as a love language. Because remember, like, I'm a very touchy person. Like, I give people hugs and I touch them, and I give it because it's what I like to receive.
Starting point is 00:14:42 It's not conscious. But if that's not your love language and you grew up in a place where it wasn't comfortable to touch or you really just aren't into touch, this is one of those where you have to make a conscious effort. I know somebody whose wife's primary love language was touch and his wasn't. And so in order to make it work so she she felt loved he would come out from work He would have an alarm that would off on his phone every day when he got home And it was like you know
Starting point is 00:15:11 I was like give her a hug and he'd walk in the door and he would Give her a hug and he would because he knew that he would just go about his night and not hug her and wouldn't touch her And so that was the way he got into a system to remember to give it to her now It wasn't that he doesn't love his wife, but it wasn't his primary language. So he had to find a workaround to make sure that they were both getting their needs met. So you can get creative with this stuff.
Starting point is 00:15:35 Maybe you feel, you know, you really appreciate the bath massage or you like holding hands or when there's an arm around your shoulder in public. Maybe you like to go out dancing or you just like hugs and kisses just because. So some sex acts, so I guess a lot of the sex acts can fall under physical touch, right, because you're touching, but maybe you need a little extra.
Starting point is 00:15:55 It's cuddling and caresses and massages, or maybe you just enjoy being naked together. You know, you can also use toys together, and maybe that's why I love toys so much, because I just love feeling good. I love and toys make us feel good. They're additive. There's only so much a hand can do or a mouth can do. This is a little bit extra. So and maybe this is also I haven't thought about this, but maybe this is why I love the Jeju products for
Starting point is 00:16:24 so many years. It's because they feel so good. Just even if you don't turn them on, they use this really beautiful packaging. Their products are made with the highest quality silicone. They're just very pleasing to look at and pleasing to touch. So I love their Mimi Soft because I know you've heard me talk about the Mimi, but it's just like squishy and it feels good and then you turn it on as these deep rumbly sensations. And so it's just in all their toys like that.
Starting point is 00:16:53 So I don't know. And I just think if you think about toys and you think about touch, that it's just other ways to feel good. And if your partner isn't, you know, physical touch isn't their love language, they could use toys on you. They could just, you know, they could do other things. They could do some additive things that would make you feel good. And I think toys always make us feel good and often make us feel good, I should say.
Starting point is 00:17:16 And it's an extra way to receive touch. And if you're alone, you definitely want to get some fun toys to make yourself feel good. So here's some romantic and date night things that might make you feel good if physical touch is your love language. If you're out on a date with your partner or you want to be more romantic, I mean just think about it. You're out on a date, you want to hold hands, you want to sit close to each other. I mean, I love when I'm with my partner will sit on the same side of the booth, right? If we're at a restaurant or the same side of the table, so we are close and touching. Because I typically am with partners who share this love language with me because it's such an
Starting point is 00:17:48 important one. Quality time. Let's talk about it. If you value quality time and that's your primary love language, it means you feel just the most appreciated when your loved one prioritizes activities and one-on-one time. So it's not just time spent hanging out watching TV. It's truly connecting with one another through activities and hobbies without distraction. So you're not on your phones, there's no extra people around. A lot of it is one-on-one doing activities. So if this is your love language, this one's all about giving someone your attention, trying out a new restaurant, or you're cooking together, you're going on a walk together after dinner, planning a romantic picnic with no one else around and without phones.
Starting point is 00:18:36 Maybe it's a weekly date night. So sex acts, if you are really into quality time. Well, foreplay. Foreplay extends the sex act. And maybe there's some sexual scenarios you could play out like treasure hunts or role playing. And you probably also like easing into sex. You want to get lost in the moment.
Starting point is 00:18:56 Or maybe you watch some porn together. So if quality time is, you know, the kind of date you might like, just making sure that when you do spend time together, you put your phone away, you're not looking at it all night, and you just kind of luxuriate in the moments you have together and just without distraction. And think about the absence of it. When you don't have quality time together, when it's been just the kids are around and your partner's always on their phone, and you haven't had that one-on-one connection, you might be feeling
Starting point is 00:19:23 and you haven't had that one-on-one connection, you might be feeling a little less connected to your partner, feeling, you know, less loved. So that's a great way to think about these. Okay, words of affirmation. This is the fifth love language. So individuals who value words of affirmation love to hear frequent compliments and other forms of positive, supportive words from their loved ones
Starting point is 00:19:47 and also being specific with their words. So think about it. Do you love when someone gives you a compliment or maybe a co-worker said you did great on this last project and they tell you all, you know, or maybe your lover tells you all the ways they love you? It's about details and being specific. Maybe they're really proud of your accomplishments at work and they say, you know, I think it's really great what you've done and the leadership you've taken with your team or I'm really proud of that award you received at work. You want to hear the words from them. And of course you know, you know, you might, if this isn't your love language, you're probably thinking, I don't like to hear
Starting point is 00:20:20 it. It makes me uncomfortable. I know my partner loves me, but if words of affirmation is your love language, even though you know it, you need to hear it. You wanna know, you wanna hear it every day. You know, and they also change over time, because I used to think this was my primary, and I still appreciate it. It's funny, I took the quiz again myself, and I think I'm more quality time and touch now
Starting point is 00:20:43 than I am words but there have been periods in my life where it was words and even though for example I knew my partner was really attracted to me and was really into me I remember one time I came back from vacation and I hadn't seen my partner in a week and he came in and he picked me up and twirled me around and we had sex and I'll never forget this like turn to him and I said, are you, are you still attracted to me? And he's like, what? Of course. And I was like, well, you didn't say that how good I looked or that you were into me. It's like, I just, it had been a week.
Starting point is 00:21:19 I hadn't heard the words and I needed to hear it, even though he of course, like loved me and missed me. So that's just an example, you know, you wanna hear it. Maybe, you know, you love when your partner writes you notes or leaves little sticky notes with nice messages on them. So, you know, your partner sends you a letter in the mail or sends you really thoughtful texts. You really appreciate the words, okay? So let's talk about sex acts with this one.
Starting point is 00:21:48 You like when your partner says what they like about you when you're having sex. You probably really like talking dirty because you feel connected. You like talking about your sex life and sharing fantasies together. Again, if you wanna brush up in your dirty talk, we did do a great episode called Talk Dirty to Me
Starting point is 00:22:03 with Joanna Angel. So check out that one, but you know, think about it, you want words during sex. Maybe you just want to hear your partner during sex. And some more romantic acts and date night acts. So, you know, you probably just like it when you're out and your partner is telling you when you got dressed for a date, how you look and they're very specific or you got a promotion at work and they were telling you all the ways they were proud of you.
Starting point is 00:22:31 So that could just be, you know, you have the point of romance, that could just be where you feel the most connected to your partner. And when you don't hear the words, you feel less connected and less loved. All right. I hope that one of these resonates with you the most, and that's your love language. So to repeat them all again, just so you remember, access service, gift-giving, physical touch,
Starting point is 00:22:57 quality time, and words of affirmation. Again, you can also take the quiz in the show notes. I want you to remember that we often give what we want to receive. So I might be using words all day with my partner saying how great they are, how handsome they are, how proud I am of them, because if that's my love language,
Starting point is 00:23:15 words of affirmation, but there's his gifts. And I want a vacation and to bring him a gift. Their birthday present was late. You know, they're gonna be pissed. They're going to be pissed. They're going to feel less loved. So I want you to remember that we don't often give it the way we receive it. Now, it's wonderful if you guys share the same love language,
Starting point is 00:23:33 or at least one of your love languages is the same. Because usually we have two that are primary. That's fabulous. But if not, use this as a work run. Use this as a way to really understand your partner differently and start to fill up their love tank using some of these tips in here. I love you, but I'm taking a quick break for our sponsors who help support the show,
Starting point is 00:23:53 but don't worry, I'll be right back. But first, let's talk about Magic Wand. From gifts to quality time to acts of service, Magic Wand will satisfy all your love languages and give you a whole lot of pleasure. You've heard me talk about the magic wand for years and you've definitely seen the full size magic wand and you might even know about the magic wand mini which is now my go to. But they have this magic wand micro
Starting point is 00:24:17 which is just, it fits in the palm of your hand. I thought it was like a tree ornament or a joke when I first got it. But oh no, it's only four and a half inches long. It's the size of like a typical bullet vibrator, but it is the real deal. It is a true magic wand. It's got the same soft silicone head, a flexible neck.
Starting point is 00:24:33 And yes, I know what you're asking. I know what you're thinking. It's super powerful. I also love that it's USB rechargeable and comes with a wrist strap. But check out all the magic wands. You know the magic wand. Spent around for so many years.
Starting point is 00:24:47 Used to plug into the wall and then they bait all these other versions that are rechargeable. I have them all, I love them all. You really can't go wrong with any magic wands. Sprinkle a little magic into your sex life. The magic wand micro and all the other magic wands are on my shop site.
Starting point is 00:25:00 Go to slash magic wand to get yours today. Free shipping on all orders over $69. That's slash magic wand. Okay, we'll be right back. All right, here's some of your Instagram questions about the love languages. Somebody asked, how can you learn your partner's love language and teach them about yours?
Starting point is 00:25:30 Well, really, you should both listen to the show together, take the quiz, and also you can kind of figure it out. You know, I know, since I know these so well, I'll, I'll, someone I know or even friends of mine, I can totally figure out their love language. My friends who give me like the most elaborate gifts, I can tell too, like if someone always gives you the best gift, so they always show up your house with a gift, maybe their love language is gifts,
Starting point is 00:25:53 or if there's somebody who just is giving you compliments or they're using words all the time, maybe it's words of affirmation. So you can kind of tell in this way and then think about the things that they value in their life Another question from Instagram. How can you relate and compromise when your partner and you have very different love languages? Okay, so this is really common okay, so I
Starting point is 00:26:17 I've given you some examples about you know my friend whose Wife is hugging and so he has to remember, with set my alarm, I'm going to make sure that I hug her and then eventually becomes more of a habit. I have another friend who said, gosh, my partner's love language is acts of service, but I'm so busy with work, I have no time to do acts of service. I said, well, why don't you plan it ahead? Why don't you look at your calendar on Sunday and say,
Starting point is 00:26:41 what two things can I do for my partner in the acts of surface category this week? For example, if your partner is always making dinner every night, then Thursday night, you're bringing dinner and Tuesday, you're gonna get the house cleaned. Think about what your partner's needs are. And you can even ask them and make sure that you have two plans. So I said to my friend, schedule ahead of time.
Starting point is 00:27:03 And he did, and she was so happy that he remembered to do these things that really made a difference in her day. Maybe it's taking the kids, you know, when your partner is always with the kids during the day, and then you say, I'm going to take the kids on Saturday. Those are examples. So just because you have a different love languages, it doesn't mean that your relationship is going to fail. So actually knowing their love language, itowers you to show them how much you care
Starting point is 00:27:26 in a way that they can truly take it in. So if their love language is words of affirmation, you know, telling them how you feel about them and all the things you like about them is really gonna make an impact. And I always say communication is lubrication and the love languages are the key to actually communicating your love in a way that you know your partner is going to receive it.
Starting point is 00:27:52 Another Instagramer asked, can you have all five? And so, yes, you can. Well, it's easy to recognize all the examples of five. We all want all of them. Like if I had a partner who never got me gifts and missed my birthday, I would be like, how do you not get me a birthday present? But I don't place as much value on it.
Starting point is 00:28:15 I probably wouldn't notice for a while if they never got me a gift because it's really not my love language. You have to say that if you take this quiz, you're going to realize that there's one, even if it's one that deep, deep down really works for you. And again, you might have a secondary one. When I took it again after many years, I realized I still had touch, but it was also quality time. And then the other three were all tied because it gives you percentages. And so I just usually there's one or two that are going to
Starting point is 00:28:42 be at the top and it's important to pay attention to them But maybe you'll take the quiz and all five will be even You know great, but typically there's one that is the front runner Someone else asked is it just pop psychology or is it legitimate? listen, I Mean I know that this works it works with employees I mean, I know that this works. It works with employees. Like I know all my staff who needs to hear
Starting point is 00:29:07 the words from me that they're doing a good job, or I appreciate the work they've done. And I know which employees are important to, which people on my team really value gifts. And so I make sure that I'm getting them something for their birthday that they appreciate. So it's not just in love. It's for the people that you love and care about in your life.
Starting point is 00:29:28 So I think that it's a great framework to think about how you show your love and how you receive love from your partner. So if it resonates with you great, if it still feels like pop psychology, move on to something else. Another question, are you more compatible with someone based on the love languages? I have to say, it's easiest if you both share the same love languages. I have to say, but any, you know, a lot of you might be in relationships now,
Starting point is 00:29:56 and you're just taking this quiz and realizing we don't share the same love language. That's why we're doing this show, because there's definitely work around. As long as you're both willing to figure out how to speak your partner's love language, that's why we're doing the show because there's definitely work around. As long as you're both willing to figure out how to speak your partner's love language, I think you're going to be fine. Do you have different styles when giving versus receiving love? Well, according to Dr. Chapman, your love language is the one you give and receive with, which makes sense. So if you interpret love a certain way, you're going to naturally be good at giving love that way. So like I said, mine is touch. I love touch. I love touching. I touch people, not inappropriately, but you know, I give hugs or I, you know, just put the hand on my friend's
Starting point is 00:30:34 shoulder and that's just, yeah, I'm going to give it because that's how I like to receive it. And it's the most familiar to me. So usually it's the same. And that's why if our partner's not the same, we keep giving what we want and they're not giving it back, it's just simply not part of their conditioning. So what do you do when your love language changes years after being in a relationship? Well, that's a perfect time to have a healthy conversation with your partner. Take the quiz again. What a fun date night activity, right? To sit and say, hey, let's take the love language again and then let them know.
Starting point is 00:31:13 We like to mix things up in relationships anyway. Why not? Another question. My wife and I have the opposite. I'm physical touch and words. Of affirmation, she's quality time and acts of service. How do we give each other the best of both worlds? Well, first, focus on your primary love languages.
Starting point is 00:31:33 So once you get a hang of each of the primary one, then you can move on to the second one. Now, I have to say there are more challenges here. So if yours is physical touch and hers is quality time, you could kill two birds with one stone and do like a really long cuddle massage and just a little bit more, you know, session that lasts a little bit longer. I mean, you can get creative with it, right? These are ways to have fun. So if yours is quality time and your partner's gifts,
Starting point is 00:32:04 maybe you plan an afternoon where time and your partner's gifts, maybe you plan an afternoon where you take your partner shopping for a gift, or maybe you get them a gift certificate to something that you both can do together. Maybe they've been wanting to learn to cook and you get them a cooking class. So this just means that you gotta think differently
Starting point is 00:32:24 about it and get specific on how you're spending time together. So don't worry about that. Are any of them unhealthy? They're not. I have to say that none of these are unhealthy. You know, they're not unhealthy like a codependent relationship or abusive behavior because those all stem from insecurities and unresolved personal issues, childhood issues, not from your love language. Someone else says, what are ways to prioritize loving in an opposite manner than what comes naturally?
Starting point is 00:32:55 Well, like I said, set reminders on your phone. Check in with your partner often. Hey, have you noticed I've been spending a lot of time trying to do some acts of service as it feel good to you? Is there other things that you want? And what I love about this is that when you know, you start to look at your partner, because you know your partner, right? What are they like?
Starting point is 00:33:13 Like where could I help them right now in their life if it's acts of service? Or where could I work out, work in more times to be touching? You know, maybe when you're watching TV together, maybe you're often sitting on opposite sides of the room, or you're on a couch and she's on a chair. Maybe you say, hey, come sit next to me on the couch because you're watching TV and you get to touch. So that's, you know, checking in and communicating about it. Someone else asked, how can you honor them in a long-distance relationship?
Starting point is 00:33:40 You know, obviously physical touch is bored. This is a hard one. Physical touch is going to be difficult if you just might need to visit your part or more often, but some do translate really well, like giving gifts and words of affirmation and even quality time. Maybe you don't see them that often, but when you do, it's really for a week at a time or two weeks at a time, or you do a lot of Zoom calls where you get get to see each other and there are very specific times where you are just spending time together so that could really help with quality time. How do you know your love languages if you've never been in a loving
Starting point is 00:34:17 relationship? Well like I said look at your non-romantic relationships. You know how do you receive the feel the most love from your family and your friends? The love languages applies in every relationship romantic or otherwise. And I also asked my team, I said, What are you guys, what are your, I want to do a whole show on love languages, because I think it's so useful and so helpful. And they asked some questions. Okay, so one of my team asked, How can I find out someone's love language
Starting point is 00:34:44 without flat out asking them? Well, think about it, if somebody's, you notice they're always doing favors for you, or they're always doing essentially acts of service. I mean, that's a specific personality type, somebody who's just constantly going out of their way and doing things, you might notice that it's quality time. Or if they're always telling you, giving you compliments or complimenting others around
Starting point is 00:35:11 them, it might be words. So I actually think that once you truly understand the love languages, you'll be able to spot it in the person's behavior. You'll just start to recognize it. I'm usually pretty right when I guess. If I know someone pretty well, I'm like, I bet you it's this. Usually I get one out of two. And someone else on my team asked, how can I use my and my partner's loving, which is for good summer date ideas? That's a good question. Well, I don't know what your loving, which is R, but I think
Starting point is 00:35:40 any combination of these is, you know, quality time would be like a road trip for sure, like spending time, just a two of you in a car, going on vacation together, having a picnic. What I do is I keep notes in my phone and I just write notes about people that I love, things that they've done, things I appreciate about them. And then I just know when it comes time to write them a card or write them a text.
Starting point is 00:36:02 I just remember when I was spending time with them what I felt or what came up. I just take notes from them out and that helps me to do that. Just pay attention. I think a lot of this is just really paying attention to your partner and paying attention to yourself and your dynamic and just trying it out. You can even do this without letting your partner know you're doing it and see how they respond. How can I integrate the love languages during sex? Well we gave some examples. I gave some examples earlier but it really does translate well into sex because quality time would be longer sex acts or maybe ones without distractions and it's not rushed. Gifts could be gifting your partner with some really great toys or just surprise oral sex.
Starting point is 00:36:47 Words of affirmation is you're telling your partner what you love about their body when you're having sex or dirty talk, acts of service, making sure they have an orgasm, really giving them pleasure. If they look uncomfortable in a certain position, are you comfortable just checking in with them? If they've ever said they wanted something during sex and you remember to show up with it or to do that act or to do that thing, that would really translate well. But I think I've given examples throughout here. All right, guys. So I hope this really helps you sort of in the next go to the next level in your relationships all the relationships in
Starting point is 00:37:25 your life if you use these love languages as another tool in your toolkit to help you enhance the relationships that you have and feel more love and receive more love and give more love. I mean this is all in the place of helping you all. The thing about the love languages when you really ground in them, you can just really make sure that you're communicating with your partner in a healthy way. You know, a lot of times things get lost in translation if we are not communicating the same languages
Starting point is 00:37:55 or you feel like your partner is not fulfilling yours. So this is really just another way to get unstuck and to help spread more love. That's what I'm all about. Love and pleasure. First email, this is from Kylie26 in Raleigh, North Carolina. Hey Dr. Emily, I love your podcast and it's helped me with my sex education greatly.
Starting point is 00:38:14 So thank you. I've found myself in a bit of a predicament that I thought you could help me through. My boyfriend and I have been dating for half a year, but we were best friends for years before. I think I'm too comfortable being a bro to him, and I forget to be sensitive with some topics when we're drinking. The other night, somehow while I was drunk, I mentioned that his penis was smaller than
Starting point is 00:38:34 I thought it would be. I reassured him that it wasn't a bad thing though, because I've had one bigger that was uncomfortable for me. At the moment, he joked with me and thought it was fine. However, last night he told me that it really hurt him to hear that from me and I'm not sure what to do to fix his ego. I reassured him that sex is good for me and that I wouldn't want it to be bigger because it wasn't pleasurable in the past. Do you have any advice? Yes, I do. All right, Kylie, listen, let me tell you this, Kylie. You did not mean to shame him.
Starting point is 00:39:06 You didn't mean to hurt him, but here's the thing. He's probably not gonna ever forget that you said that. Not because his penis is small, there's nothing wrong with it, but we just sometimes need to hear one person criticizing us or saying something about our body parts and we will always remember. Okay, let's talk about penis improvement.
Starting point is 00:39:23 Every man I feel that I've known is insecure about the size of their penis, wishing it was longer or wider or girthier. And I think you're more obsessed with your penises than anyone else's. The other thing is men are taught their entire life that their worth and their power and their prowess stems from the size of their sexual organs. And it just doesn't matter, right? We don't care, especially vulva owners, I know. We've talked about this so many times in the show that you're way more obsessed with your penis than we are.
Starting point is 00:39:53 So let me just clear that out. And I just think you have to stop all the shaming of body parts, but you weren't trying to do that, Kylie. You were just joking around with him. So I think all you can do is reinforce to him all the ways he's a great lover to you. Because it's not about the size of the ship,
Starting point is 00:40:11 it's about the motion of the ocean. And what that saying means is, that is he a good lover to you? How does he make you orgasm? How does he make you feel pleasure? Is he a great kisser? Do you love the way he goes down on you? Is he really just, you know,
Starting point is 00:40:23 all the ways that he's a great lover to you, the more that you could reinforce that with him and let him know and feel good about your connection, the better will be. Now, I don't think you can erase that comment because you really weren't saying, you know, I don't like your penis or I wish it was bigger. But again, since, you know, so many penis owners base their value and self-worth on the penis, this might take a little bit of work from you. But, you know, especially if his love language is words of affirmation, you're going to be in a great spot here because you can just keep telling him all the ways he is a great lover. You don't have to keep apologizing, but you can replace that comment with other ways you appreciate and love him. All right, thanks for the email.
Starting point is 00:41:07 This is from Chris32 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, the question is simple. Should I leave my girlfriend of two years? We're both in our early 30s, and when we started dating, I was physically attracted to her. Not as much as I've been with partners in the past. I was really into her personality and how cool and down to earth she was, and we get along great. And we never fight really, we have occasional disagreements with, you
Starting point is 00:41:29 know, very calm discourse and eventually the issues are resolved. However, as time has passed my physical attraction has withered and currently we have sex once a week. The problem is, I know she wants more, yet I have troubled initiating sex. She's a bit timid with initiation herself, which isn't a turn-on. Maybe I should talk to her about that. I've always been more attracted to her personality, but I'm worried that I'm doing more harm than good by staying in a low-sex relationship and disappointing her. She deserves better.
Starting point is 00:41:58 I wish I could just flip a switch and be more attracted. Also, I'm sad and she's a cancer. I'm fire, she's water. We could be more different sometimes, and this plays a part. One last thing, she doesn't want kids, and I think I do in the future. Any advice would be extremely appreciated.
Starting point is 00:42:15 I feel like I'm in my own head, and any insight would be huge. All right, Chris. So here's what I have to say about this. First off, you're super thoughtful, and it seems like you really, really care about your girlfriend and their relationship. And so my recommendation for you is that you've been together for two years,
Starting point is 00:42:33 but you've also spent a lot of time in your head. It sounds like you've created a story about the relationship. You know, you're just not as attracted to her as you have been with women in the past. You want kids and she doesn't. And on top of that, your astrological signs are different. What are you gonna do? So to me, it sounds like you already have one foot out the door, but I think it's less about
Starting point is 00:42:54 these compatibility things, and it's more about the ability to communicate in a relationship with someone that you've been with for two years. And I don't know if she's the one, I don't know if you should stay together, you should go. But what I can tell you is that these patterns tend to repeat in future relationships. You know, you might find yourself not attracted
Starting point is 00:43:14 to the next partner for different reasons. Or maybe your next partner will initiate sex all the time and it's too much and that's a problem. But the real issue here is that, is about communication. And so, you know, you said she's timid about communicating, but you said that she's timid about initiating sex, but I'm gonna say you're a little bit timid about communicating.
Starting point is 00:43:37 It is not easy to have difficult conversations with our partners, especially when it comes to sex. And the relationship. So just saying, hey, let's check in. It's been two years. We've been together and you know, I know we've got the kids issue that we're going to figure out and you know, I feel like I'm initiating sex a lot and I'd love to see if you could initiate and what you're into sexually.
Starting point is 00:44:01 I mean, have you ever talked about your fantasies together? Have you downloaded or yes, no, maybe list or have you explored with her? So all I'm saying is that even if you don't know if you should say or you should go, it's a great time to practice effective communication with this partner because whether either you'll decide that you're gonna stay with her
Starting point is 00:44:20 and she's supposed to be your partner for life or you'll decide that it doesn't work but you'll have practiced using the most important skill, I believe, that we need a relationship. And that's the ability to communicate and to listen and to reflect back on what our partner says. And that's the stuff that really matters. And these are the kind of skillset
Starting point is 00:44:40 that's gonna help you build healthy relationships, either with your current girlfriend or with someone in the future. Alright Chris, let me know how it goes. Alright everyone, I love hearing from you. Thanks so much for your emails and thanks so much for your questions. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday.
Starting point is 00:44:58 Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex. That's 559. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily.
Starting point is 00:45:12 I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily.
Starting point is 00:45:20 I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559talksex. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to slash askemily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at

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