Sex With Emily - Best Of: Sexually Fit w/ Mind Pump

Episode Date: September 4, 2021

On today’s throwback show, I’m joined by Sal, Adam, and Justin from the Mind Pump health and wellness show. We discuss how your mindset can get you into the best shape, common misconceptions about fitness training and testosterone, ways to naturally boost your libido, and the difference between self-image and body image. Plus, we explore how your physical health impacts your sex life, and the guys dive into the fascinating relationship between libido and physical activity. Trust me when I say the bedroom and the weight room are more connected than you think! I also answer your questions about how to confidently have sex on top, what it means if you feel physically “off” after masturbating and why we should send some love to an often-overlooked erogenous zone. For more Mind Pump, visit: mindpumpfree.com New Book The Resistance Training Revolution: The No-Cardio Way to Burn Fat and Age-Proof Your Body―in Only 60 Minutes a Week YouTube Instagram Facebook TwitterFor more information about or to purchase the products mentioned in this podcast, click below: Promescent: Better In Bed Magic Wand: The World's Best Selling Massage WandFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's your experience with the virus? What's your experience with the virus? What's your experience with the virus? Question. Yes. Which been your experience with the virus? In the bedroom. Oh, I started reading.

Routed gates. You can put it on your penis and it can actually work for a man as well. Right. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's throwback show, I'm joined by Sal Adam and Justin from the Mind Pump Health and Wellness Show. We discuss how your mindset can get you into the best shape,

common misconceptions about fitness training and testosterone, ways to naturally boost your libido and the difference between self-image and body image. Plus, we explore how your physical health impacts your sex life and the guys dive into the fascinating relationship between libido and physical activity. Trust me, when I say the bedroom and the weight room

are more connected than you think. I also answer your questions about how to confidently have sex on top. What it means if you feel physically off after masturbating and why we should send some love to an often overlooked arrogendous zone. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode. I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of the episode? My intention is to bring on some experts who really know what they're talking about when it comes to your physical body. And I want to show you how little changes can have huge impacts on your sex life and all

of your relationships. Oh, remember, rate the podcast. We have a new article on the site at sexwithemily.com, the five best ways to have sex outside. If you have a question, call my brand new hotline, 559 Talk Sex, or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Okay everyone, enjoy this episode. My guests today are from Mind Pump Media. It's an online radio show podcast that's dedicated to writing truthful fitness and health information.

It's sometimes raw, shocking, and always entertaining. The hosts are Sal, Deast, Stefano, Adam Schaefer, and Justin Andrews. They've over 50 years of combined fitness experience as personal trainers, club managers, fitness competitors, and fitness thought leaders. I love these guys. And Sal has a new book, The Resistance Training Revolution, The No Cardio Way to Burn Fat and Age Proof Your Body in only 60 minutes a week. Find out more about them at mindpupmedia.com and check out their free programs. So let me let you first introduce you guys.

I was talking to Adam, Shafer, Justin. Justin Andrews. Sal. Sal, the Stefano. I'll start out as trainers, right? So I've been in fitness for 20 years and these guys for over 15. And we actually met right before we started the show, but we all worked. We all started in the same company.

We all started at 24-hour fitness, managing health clubs. But if you've been training people for as long as we have, you start to learn that the most important part about helping people become successful is that vulnerability, that psychological aspect of that relationship building, helping people change their behaviors. It's not about eat this diet and do this workout

as much as it is. How can I communicate what I know and how can I communicate it effectively and how can I get you to change your behaviors in fundamental ways. And usually that means one small step at a time and it also means being empathetic and vulnerable. The industry spends so much time focusing on like supplements

and the quick 30 day fix and the magic pill. And what I realized was none of that stuff really mattered like none of my clients that did actually see incredible results that wasn't the reason why because they took some supplement I gave him I gave him some miracle diet it was the people that you were able to connect with on a more psychological level and and break through that piece and when I started to realize is they weren't that much different than all of us in this room which you know we know, we were driven by insecurities. Most of us that

go to the gym, we go to the gym because there's something about ourselves that we don't like, you know, or we feel, I was a skinny guy who couldn't build muscle. And so that was what drove me to the gym. Personally, when I started to look into the psychological piece and digging deeper into people's why, like why are you here? And first addressing that and trying to help them uncover that first, then I started to see them get real success and long term success. It wasn't faster, it took longer of a process. Real change always takes a lot longer.

It does, that's amazing. I love that, like a... I think all of us were very somewhere that way. Very similar. I remember for me, it was learning, people will come to you and say, I wanna lose, wait, I to lose 30 pounds and you ask them a why. And ultimately at the end they say, oh, so I can be happy. And you know, at one

point I realized you, the order is reversed. It's not lose weight and get happy. It's you get happy. And then you lose the weight. And when I figured that out, I actually figured it out for myself. Like Adam was saying, I was very motivated. I was very insecure growing up. I was very skinny. The bigger I got, the more muscular I became, the worse I treated my body, and then I had my son. And I have two kids now, but my son was born. And he's like the spinning image of me. He's exactly like I am. And all good and bad, right? Not athletic skinny kid, just like I was. And I was sitting there looking at him one day playing as a young boy and I was thinking, gosh, I love this kid more than anything.

And then right then and there, at the time, my wife said to me, oh, he's just like you, you know, he's just like you, and it dawned on me. How come I can love him the way I do, but I can't love me, you know, in that same way. And it was in that moment, I realized like, okay, I need to come out this completely differently. The motivation behind what I do

can be motivated by hate. It can be motivated by self-hate or self-discussed. It has to be motivated by self-love, if I'm gonna want to truly find fulfillment in what I'm doing and maintain this forever. And that's really the secret behind a long life and health and fitness. It really, really is.

If you go to the gym because you want to take care of yourself, if you eat because you want to take care of yourself, the decisions that you tend to make tend to be the better ones versus, I hate myself. And what happens when you hate yourself? Well, you treat your workouts like a punishment. So I'm going to be the crap out of myself because I hate myself.

You treat food like a punishment. And at some point, you rebel because who can hate themselves all the time? At some point you start to rebel, and what does that rebellion look like? It looks like on the wagon, off the wagon. I'm either on a strict diet, and I'm working out real hard, or I'm not working out,

and I'm eating all kinds of crap or whatever. So when you looked at your kid that day, Sal, and you were like, okay, I'm gonna start here. Obviously that wasn't in the day that you were like, I love myself unconditionally, but what were some of the things that you switched that you really could come a place of love and not hate? You know, because I had my child,

and a lot of parents will tell you about, when you have a child, you feel this unconditional love kind of for the first time. And so I started trying to reflect that onto myself. So when I would start to get into those spirals of hating myself or I gotta go to the gym, I don't look good enough or why did I eat that, whatever, then I'd start thinking of my son

and how I loved him and how I'd wanna take care of him. And then I'd start to reflect that on myself. And it actually was a pretty rapid, yeah. It was actually painful but rapid. Painful because you start to reveal to yourself and start to become honest with yourself, with your practices, but also fast and also fulfilling because I've started to make those changes.

Wow. And it's funny because I wasn't even really paying attention to my appearance because at that point, I kind of shut that off. And it was about six, maybe seven months later, I started getting compliments and I started really paying attention. I was like, whoa, wait a minute.

And I looked at pictures and I said, I look better than I did before. And I'm not even focused on the aesthetic aspect. I'm just trying to take care of myself in a real sense, and I'm just focusing on health. And that's when all the life falls to one. Because it's holistic too, right? You're probably working in your mind,

your body, what you're eating. I mean, really listening to my body. My biggest challenge and I work on the stills, like negative self-talk, like you fucked that up, Emily, or why'd you do that? And I don't know where that comes from it's been there but yet I'm so I'm a very positive open person but for me I don't give that same self-love we crave it but we're just I don't know we're

not great at giving it to ourselves it's an interesting twist on it. I think if you in regards to fitness because we have body image right so you can you can have an objective body image you can look in the mirror and say, okay, my body right now is reflecting poor health. I haven't been making the right decisions. I can either a little overweight or I have poor posture or I look tired. And that's okay. You can be objective about your body image, but you don't want to confuse that with your with your self image. Right. Those are two completely different things. What's that saying? Like you're not fat, you have fat, right? Right. It's that understanding. And the irony of all this, I think a lot of people are afraid of

letting that go because they think, and I know I've worked with clients and I'm like, well, if I'm not mad at myself and if I don't hate myself, then I'm just going to eat whatever I want. I'm going to stop working out. That's not true at all. It's the exact opposite. Exactly. You literally start to take care of yourself, like somebody you care about. And the decisions you make when you're in that state of mind are always Often better than the ones you make when you hate yourself

Because how do you treat things that you hate? You don't treat them very well at all. Exactly. It's so true We think that we have to beat ourselves up and be really hard on ourselves or no progress will happen And which is what you're saying is not true We can actually do it from a place of love So how what if you guys found? You work with mostly men, women, kind of everybody now. Yeah.

Is there anything universal that you'd hear maybe about their sex life or dating or love? Yeah, it's love to know. Very, very common to get, and I don't think I even put this together until I got into my mid-30s, but to get a mid-30 and above male, it's really, really common to hear low libido, low sex drive, not a lot of sex.

So Matt, right? Yeah, very, very common. It's like that whole myth that's women, who don't write, okay, so interesting. And when I was a young 20 year old trainer, I used to always think to myself, like, oh man, that's supposed to be him, like I'll never be like that,

because I work out and I eat well. And I actually went through that in my 30s, I felt the same thing, and I didn well. And I actually went through that in my 30s. I felt the same thing. And, you know, I didn't realize that how much the stress and the work and all that could affect my libido. And so it was one of the best things that I ever went through because it gave me this different perspective now and it made me a better coach because before I was always

speaking to nutrition and exercise, which is extremely important when talking about, you know, hormones and men and testosterone and their libido, but I also realized how important like learning to either meditate or take time for yourself and have balance in your life can really affect that also. Yes. I would have to say that the lack of activity, if you would look at, or lack of proper activity, if you would look generally at the male population, it's probably one of the top contributors

to low testosterone in particular. I know that testosterone levels have been declining now for a few decades, and then when they test them, and one of the single most effective things a man can do to raise his natural testosterone. And this is true for women as well, in terms of balancing out the ratio of estrogen to progesterone is resistance training, not just exercise and activity, but specifically weight

training. Because resistance training, in fact cardio and other types, it could be worse. It may actually be negative, right? Because we tend to overdo cardio. You can overdo any type of exercise, but proper resistance training in order for your body to become stronger and build muscle. If you're doing it right and you're measuring progress based off of your performance in the gym. So am I stronger? Are my muscles more conditioned? Am I building any muscle? In order for that to happen there has to be this this ideal anabolic environment. So this ideal ratio of things like testosterone,

growth hormone, and then a women estrogen and progesterone. And when your body's in that state where it wants to build muscle, metabolism speeds up. So for women, what does that mean when your metabolism speeds up? Okay, now I can feed myself more. My body literally is can be more fertile. In fact, when you, many times I've had women who over-diated and over-trained who lost their periods, then they come and do traditional resistance training. We do what's called a reverse diet where we slowly increase their calories, then they would start to get their period back and see hormones bounce off. Yeah, they're such massive relationships. Yeah. And then same thing with men, I would

have them lift weights. Many times I'd increase their healthy fat, decrease their processed carbohydrates intake, give them better sleep and you know within months You would see testosterone level structure, and I know this through tests like I would know that's amazing I feel like hormones are so misunderstood and it really is a contributing factor just to so many things to to moods fertility It's hard to test mm-hmm, and I think that we were fed so much I know that I like in the 90s hard it was the whole, I feel like I dig it, screwed by the food pyramid. It was like grains and for all that stuff, the low fat.

I did all of that. I was like, no, it's so stupid. And I did, I was a marathon runner. And I was like, it's good to have these. Oh, yeah, low fat and marathon training. I deal way to destroy your hormones. I could just throw the balance out and cause all the side effects of having a long run.

Which, right, which people can show up as like anxiety, depression, all these things, you know, and this is why so many people are over-medicated. They're taking antidepressants or anxiety or other pills, and a lot of it could be controlled with health, diet, and sleep, which is why I love that you guys cover all of that. Is there anything in particular, so for a menu saying, resistance training and for women, resistance, what about foods? Like, what do you, it's so hard because there's so many different, there's so much different information out there.

Yeah, there's a lot of variables, right? There's and every person you'll be hearing is gonna be uniquely different. There's like, right. But I would say there's there's some general truths that we tend to run in and I think because of the, you know, from 1980 to whatever it was where we were on the low fat thing and everything was low fat.

So I think that was one of the biggest ones that I had to switch up as a trainer because I was a part of that. I mean I had I subscribed to the non fat mill can did all that stuff in my in my early 20s chicken breasts. Right low fat. So I think and and also to get to get in shape you push real hard on cardio and do those things. So I think that even though there's going to be individual variances, I do think that's a good general truth that most people that struggle that's a good general truth, that most people that struggle with this, a good place to look is, are you getting enough healthy fats?

And back to Sal's strength training. Like, so when in my early 20s, I messed around with anabolic steroids, handful of times, didn't do the right protocol afterwards and forever kind of fucked up my sex drive. And I didn't really notice it until I got into my 30s. And when I turned 30, I went and got tested and I was up my sex drive. And I didn't really notice it until I got into my 30s. And when I turned 30, I went and got tested and I was below normal.

And so they put me on TRT. And I was on that for, you know, it's now one of my 36, so almost six years. And I'm on nine months now of no hormone therapy. And I've been doing everything I can to naturally kick it up. And so I'm definitely like really, really low because of the things I did. And even if you're just low from stress and other things, I can tell you that, you

know, and I'm very careful about how I add things into my diet or I add certain regimens that are new, like, okay, or a new tool, for example, like infrared, like a jive light, like I've used that. I've done the sauna stuff. I've done meditation. I've done the blue blockers before night. So I get better sleep. Like, out of all the things that I've done, there's nothing more powerful than when I go into like a heavy squat or a lift day, and then I feel what I feel like afterwards. And if I don't train for four or five days in a row, and I can feel a dip big time. The squat, because I put the power of the... Just because it's a big gross motor movement.

Yeah. Gross motor movement, meaning you're using a lot of your body So so your whole body can treat me so that exercise Okay, now I share that because one of the hardest things for me to do it was extremely hard to even get up to go exercise Like if any male any male it's listening to that. I was gonna say yeah What's the motivation for what I just hate? The only and luckily I knew I needed to. Like I knew the things that I needed to do in order to get this back naturally.

And if I had any chance whatsoever, that I would have to get in there and do that. So when I get in there, I just did not have the same motivation I did when I was competing and when I was training clients. And so it was like, I gotta get in here and do at least two or three things that are gonna help me. And that was, like Sal was just saying the squatting, the dead living, I just do five, six sets of that.

Okay, just get in there. Is this true for women too or is it more about it? Absolutely. I'm going to get back into the training. Absolutely. And I think that's part of what's wrong with this industry is that we over-complicate some things, like, and we make it sound like, oh, then you got to do this special exercise and follow this regimen and do this and do that.

It's like, just get in there. If you haven't been training for a really long time, get in there and work on squatting. It's like, that's especially a lot of misinformation with women having lifting in general. Like, not just doing a ton of reps because all you see, like an infomercial is like, women doing a ton of reps and that's an answer to get taught. So yeah, we're always trying to stress the fact that like, if you can hire a coach or if you can hire somebody that knows what they're doing and really like learn,

this is a skill, it's gonna last you so much longer, it's gonna be so much more effective for you to learn how to like properly back load squat and do dead lists and things like that that are gonna have way more effect on your body that you've never experienced before. That's really good. So what if people don't have access to a gym or a trainer but they want to work out,

I have people that are all over the world, like where do you even start? That's one part of the question. The other is like, the people are just like, I hate working out, I'll never do it. It's a half to go, but I don't like it. Like, do you think you can switch those people?

Yeah, so most people are like that. And it's kind of like the nutrition thing too, is you have to first start to make a different connection with what you're doing. And I think part of the reason why we eat bad food and we love these things is because we've learned to numb ourselves with food and we don't really make the connection of like how our body feels post eating that meal and the next day and the day after. Just about the taste. And the same thing goes for eating healthy food. Like, you know, and some people that have been on a diet for a while and ate really well,

they kind of make the connection like, oh, I feel so good, but then it's short-lived and then they go in the indulge and they forget all about it. So like when we talk to clients about exercise and training, you know, we try not to talk about the weight loss, the weight gain and the aesthetics. So healthy.

And talk more about like how you feel. Like so instead of us getting on a scale and measuring you up or down and stuff like that, I'm asking questions on your sex drive. Right. And how are you sleeping and how are your relationships and your energy level and how's work been for you and how you getting up in the morning and how you falling asleep. And like when you start to help them make those connections because I guarantee you that once you start exercising all those fucking things, they start getting better.

And when you start making the mental connection that all those things make work, you perform better, make your bedroom better, make your relationships better, then you start looking at exercise instead of this daunting task that I need to do to counter this bullshit bad eating or to get rid of this body fat. And you start looking at it like, when I do this, I'm a better version of myself. Right, I'm happier. I'm a little better.

When you can make that connection, then the whole gym process is not that daunting, but you first need to make that connection of all the positive benefits that you're getting from it. We're gonna take a quick break, but we come back, we're gonna answer Lister's questions together, get ready,

because they've got some good advice for the bedroom too. So are there any misconceptions about working out? It doesn't need to be so crazy, they're like, that's another thing. That's a big one, like, you don't have to go beat the crap out of yourself when you go to the gym. You wanna do the minimum effective dose, that's always the best prescription,

the minimum effective dose. And if you're a beginner, if you're new, if you haven't worked out in a while, it doesn't take that much. It doesn't. And the reason why the body changes when you exercise is because it's adapting to a stress. So it's really no different than getting a tan

from going out in the sun. If you've been in your basement for the last five years, how much sunlight are you going to need to see before your skin reacts and starts to get darker? And how much sun do you need to see before you get a sunburn? See what I'm saying? Same thing when you exercise. And back to Adam's point about making those connections, I'll give you a great example

when it comes to food. Because a lot of times when we eat food, we think of the food based off of one main signal which is the taste. How does this taste? How does it make me feel right now? And that's one signal, but there's a lot of signals that can be attached to food. If I had a client who, she was,

had one of the worst diets I'd ever seen in my life. Like she didn't drink water, all she had was diet, cocoa day. And little by little, I would have her change her things to her diet. And one of the things that I wanted to change was I wanted her to eat more vegetables, but she absolutely hated them.

She hated the taste of the vegetables. They made her gat. So I taught her, okay, let's start with the vegetable you can tolerate the most, which was broccoli. I said, have a little bit of broccoli. What I want you to do is I want you to pay attention how you feel before, during, and after, and then the next day. And so little by little, she started noticing

my digestion's better, my skin is better. I have more energy. And little by little, because she was making those positive associations, what do you think started to happen? She started to crave the broccoli. She started to want to eat that broccoli. Food manufacturers have known this for a very long time.

They're constantly trying to make these associations for you, and it's not just the taste of the food. I'm gonna look at the commercials, right? You're drinking beer and it's got hot chicks around, and you're in your own, whatever. It actually works and you can do that to yourself and you do that with exercise, you do nutrition. And part of it is, look, when I go to the gym,

am I going here because I hate myself? That's a negative association. Of course, I'm gonna hate going to the gym. But how about if I go to the gym, like I wanna take care of myself today? I'm gonna go to the gym and just, I'm gonna feel good. It's true. Well, now I'm enjoying the process.

And when you enjoy the process, then it really doesn't matter. The goal, who cares about the goal, I'm gonna feel good. Well, now I'm enjoying the process. And when you enjoy the process, then it really doesn't matter. The goal, who cares about the goal, I'm enjoying the process. What are some changes that you've seen from people's self-confidence, body image, and how it relates to their sex lives after adopting a healthier lifestyle?

I mean, like, the four after story is my- My favorite, I would always get this same comment about two to three months into our training, especially with the ladies I would train. They come in and they'd look at me and then, you know, I'm always asking, like, how are you feeling? Like, what changes are you noticing? I'm feeling hot.

Yeah, and they'd be, you know, and they'd say something like, um, so I feel more, like, energetic. I'm like, you just have more energy. You wake up in the morning. No, no. Like, vibrant? Yeah, more, I'd be like, is your libido higher? Yes. My libido is much higher. Is that normal? Absolutely normal. Always. Every single time they would have an increase in libido and I think it's, there's a multi-pronged reason as to why

their libido would be healthier. One, your body's healthier. Obviously a healthy body is gonna have a more natural, healthy sex response to the balancing of the hormones. Also, I think resistance training in particular has this incredible power of sculpting and shaping the body. So you start to feel tight and firm. And, you know, versus just getting skinny,

you feel more firm and you start to feel more confident with your body. And then for the ladies versus just getting skinny, you feel more firm and you start to feel more confident with your body. And then for the ladies that I would train, one of the comments that I was quite common was that they felt more empowered. I guess strong is very empowering to be strong. But especially if you're a woman and you feel like you're either not supposed to be strong or you've never really felt strong, now they felt more confident, they could lift things, you also start to stand up right.

It's crazy what it does for your posture. Like, all of a sudden you, and of course, I have all the same stories that Sal does with clients. I mean, 100% across the board, it's rare that you get a client who hasn't been training for a long time that you get into exercise and they can't, because libido always goes up, always. That's the good, yeah.

I noticed like, I think for me, I thought it was crazy that, you know, I'm a fitness guy, and even when I'm, you know, quote unquote, out of shape, I'm still in better shape than the average person, but I even noticed my own personal habits, and Katrina was the one to really call me out on this, is, you know, we go in these little vacations for a while,

and I kind of fall off a tiny bit, and then the next thing you notice is, I start, you know, waiting till right before bed, before I kind of fall off a tiny bit and then the next thing you notice is I start you know Waiting till right before bed before I take my shirt off I turn the lights off and I get naked and stuff like that and then I'm the total opposite when I'm feeling I'm walking around naked to the Coddy the neighbors Oh, yeah windows open walk around the whole house brushing my teeth all morning long And so when I see that in myself

with just the little bit of change in my physique and training, that it affects me that much, I can only imagine that my clients who have, you know, are really, really out of shape, how insecure they have to fill out their bodies, which then in turn reflects their confidence with their partner,

and then which in turn then probably affects their sex with their partner. So I know it's a night and day difference when I exercise. I can totally get it. I know that's true too for you. When I'm in shape, when I'm out of shape, taking my shirt off a little later,

all those things are my clothes. I mean, there's so many of these that contribute to people not wanting to have sex. So I love what you guys are saying here. I think this is gonna be super inspiring. Now, do you guys wanna help me? I would love if you would help me give some advice to listeners. Absolutely.

And emails. Let's do it. Help them. Okay. Let's see how you did that. We're going to do some of your work right now. You are going to just have to work, dammit. And then I want to do a workout. Bring vibrators into the bathroom. You guys have experienced with toys. Yes.

All right. Awesome. This is from Lauren 20 in New Jersey. Hi, Emily, I know that women are constantly asking you how they can orgasm with their partner, but it's truly a problem for me. I can only orgasm by myself and with my vibrator. I've been dating guy for about 10 months and I'm trying to really hard to integrate

the vibrator into the bedroom. We're also part time long distance because I'm in college six hours away. He told me that the vibrator physically makes him feel uncomfortable when we are having sex, and it is pressing against my clitoris. I would love to be able to experience an orgasm with him and any advice would be great.

Thank you so much. I love what you're doing with this podcast. Reverse Cowboy with vibrator on. Oh my God, that's so good. I was gonna say doggy style. That's what I was gonna say. Reverse Cowboy. Reverse Cowgirl meaning like he's laying back on his back and then you turn it around. That's what I was gonna say. You're right though, reverse cow girl meaning,

like he's laying back on his back and then you turn it around. It's like, woman on top. So she can use it all the time. He doesn't have to see, he doesn't have to see. I'm gonna work now. I don't need a job if you guys done, but you're right. That's a great call, or yeah, I was thinking doggy style,

but also just holding away that's more comfortable for him too. And I think also you could try to use it to orgasm before you start. I think that a lot of women and men get set in certain ways around sex. So it's like, okay, I can only have orgasm this particular way. I can never, since I've never had an internal orgasm I never will. And it takes practice just like training. There has to be sex training. Yeah, we get your mind and you link it up. So I thought that too until I started the show and I started doing my homework before my brief period

of no masturbation, I really was like, okay, I wanna do all the things I'm telling people and figure out my body and I had never had an orgasm internally, I had never had one without a vibrator for so long and I was like, I retrained my body and I was like, I figured it out and then when I was at the part and I was like, this is how I need to move and I showed them and I, it's not a quick fix,

it's not gonna happen once, but just to keep going and working on yourself, I was talking, this is how I need to move. And I showed them. And it's not a quick fix. It's not going to happen once. But just to keep going and working on yourself, I was talking to a woman last night at a dinner party. She's like, I can only have it. I used to be able to, without a vibrator. And I just think it's like everything else. You don't like your body becomes, you can't no longer have it with your fingers. Try it.

Just start out without a vibrator and see where it goes because you could just find all these other delicious little more discrete for him to that way There's quieter vibrators as well. There's a lot of different things you could try But I love the idea of doggy style and um reverse cowgirl and question. Yes Which pin your experience with vibrators in the bedroom? Oh, I started right out the gates You can put it on your penis and it can actually work for a man as well. Yes. It has to be very sensitive in order to do that.

Yeah, usually it's the lower settings for a man, but also I was going to say, Ter, thank you for saying this, Lauren, maybe on a shaft or his balls tickling it, let it later setting on the vibrator and like that, women want, but the, he might like that as well. Here's another question from Vincent 34 in Georgia. Hey Emily, I have an uncircumcised penis and women tend to look at it funny when I pull it out. One girl even asked, why does it look like that? At times it made me insecure because I told one girl at work and she told her friends and

they find it mysterious and not sexy. So my question is, do I need to get it cut or is it okay like this? I pull back the skin wash daily plus I use coconut oil to keep the four skin from drying out. So I just want to say Vincent, there's nothing wrong with you in having a circumcised penis. In fact, 77% of males in the US are circumcised, but only 30 to 37% of men globally are circumcised. And like in the US, it's not as common and the women you are sleeping with might not be as used to it,

but you just have to show them how you like it touched. With confidence, I understand that you can just take one or two women criticizing your sexual performance or your penis and you might be done for life. And so I don't want this to happen to you at all. Vents it, so the thing about it though, you do have more nerve endings when there's a foreskin. So I need you to take care of it.

You're going to be fine with it. So I think just women are cool. Do you think it's much different than a guy with a smaller penis or one that hangs the left? It's the same kind of challenges that men have around their penis. You're going to address the elephant in the room. Exactly. And Justin has a really weird penis, so he's been dealing with that for a while.

Curves really far. It's hard to be. Great. No, we're great, but that's kind of cool. I long time. Curves really far. Yeah. It's hard to be able to do that. Great. Like, no, we're great, but that's kind of cool. I think it could have some good access. Yeah.

I think curvy penis. I think there's a different angles. But I can understand that it's just really we're talking about self-confidence and body image hair, which I think a lot of men are challenged around this. But keep going. Don't get pleased, Vincent. Do not get it cut.

If you go down this road and you forget what I said, email me again. Get in touch with the show. Yeah. You are fine. Learn to rock it, learn to masturbate, figure out all those nerve endings and you show women if they ever look at it sideways or in a weird way, just be like,

let me show you what I can do. So thanks guys, this was fun. Okay, anything else I really enjoyed this, I think that it's very inspiring for my listeners. Oh, no, thank you for having us on. Definitely. That was a nice change of pace. I know, to say we can answer a sex question. Yeah, yeah. This is a lot more fun. We're gonna have, yeah. Thank you for having us on. Definitely. That was a nice change of pace. I know, to say we can answer a sex question.

Yeah, it's like, yeah. This is a lot more fun. We're gonna have, yeah. Thank you guys for being here. I think that's it. Oh, I would like to say this, for your audience, if they wanna get started on some good information and they don't wanna have to purchase anything,

just to kinda, you know, we have a YouTube channel, lots of free information on there. Oh, good. We also have a free 30 day workout on there, so they don't have to pay anything. Oh, I love it. It's Mind Pump TV. They can go on there and then just watch some of our videos and try things out and then later on if they want to get one of our programs.

Oh, that's awesome. Okay, I'm going to do that. I don't know that. Okay, check that out. You guys on their Instagram, it's Mind Pump Media and all their other Instagrams. You can check out there. Twitter, it's Mind Pump and Mind Pump Media.com. After the break, I'm answering your questions like, how do I get over the fear of being on top during sex?

Be right back. I'm getting so many good questions from you through our Instagram at Sex with Emily. Here's one from an anonymous female. She's wondering, how to get over the fear of getting on top due to being insecure and also married. How do I rock woman on top? Honestly, the best way to do it

is to find something that makes you feel sexy and bad, right? Because I'm gonna assume that maybe you don't want to get on top because you feel like, oh my, you can see my whole body and I can move. So maybe you're wearing something that just makes you feel great. And then when you're ready, you just kind of, you roll, you get on top and you just start moving your body and you start just like feeling into your body. So what happens is when you tell you don't have the confidence, that tells me that you're in your head during sex,

which is like really like 99% of the challenges we hear from people is like, I'm so in my head during sex. And so if you can learn to be really mindful, to we're going into that bedroom, you are wearing something sexy. And then when you get on top, if your brain just going, you look awful or you don't know what you're doing, you go back to, and this is a practice,

I am moving right now. I feel my clitoris on my partner's body. I feel my legs against his side, I feel our skin touching skin. And the more that you go back to the present moment, I am hearing the music. I'm smelling the candle that we lit. I am feeling our body that locks you into the present moment. Because when you do that and you focus on breathing and being present, you can't be in your head worrying about how it looks with you being on top.

You just can't. It's impossible to be present and be in your head, tripping about something. Doesn't work like that. And this is a practice. It's a lifelong practice. So also remember, it's your husband. He loves you, he's not leaving you

because of the way you rocked woman on top. So for me, for you, it's more about getting over this hump and practicing, I'm off or practicing practicing too when you're alone masturbating, when you're in the shower, moving in your body. I think we forget to move, especially as women like this S curve or pelvic floor. We get tight, we tense, we clench, we like, oh, we hold so much tension there. So maybe doing some exercises or some stretching, looking in the mirror, dancing, feeling sexy, and getting your body to move in a way that will feel comfortable.

Because if you've been stiff all day, you're not working out, you've been sitting in work, you're in a chair, then you get a homey, try again on top. Your body might still be in that uncomfortable position, which is why I love to try to exercise or stretch every day or go home and meditate to separate work between work at home and just like get yourself into the mindset.

When you feel free. I feel like I've been a long time since I haven't been confident with sex. But, yeah, I mean, you talk about all the time, it's your job, you've learned all the things. But I know there have been times where I'm just like, well, I know, before I started the show, I was like, what can I do that looks,

how can I move that he will think a sexy? Did he even orgasm? I didn't, I cared less about mine. But once I started to realize that like confidence is the sexiest thing you can bring into the bedroom. For me and my partner then I really started working on that and it all the rest of it fades away. And I'm older now and I'm not looking the same away, but I don't even think about those

things. And I don't even think about what they're thinking to be honest because I know if I'm older now and I might not look the same away, but I don't even think about those things. And I don't even think about what they're thinking, to be honest, because I know if I'm there with someone, we both want to be there. You can tell if someone doesn't want to be there. Yeah. We've gotten naked together. We've both been here. I don't have a gun to get, and you can leave,

what I could leave, and we're there. And they are certainly not thinking any of the things that I might be thinking that are insecurities. And most of what we spend our time worrying about aren't even real their false evidence peering real Which is fear they're just happy to be they're just really happy to be there They're so happy you join them for this sexual escape tonight. Thank you for joining me. They should send a freaking thank you card after

I love to get a thank you card after sex. I know I think that would be like I'd be like damn I did a good job. Yeah exactly. I know we do for everything else. Thank you. That was great. Thanks for the great sex last night. I've got Justin calling in. He's 34 from California and he wants to know where the pubic mound is and how he can stimulate it. Ooh I love this Justin. Pubic mound is so not understood or easy to found. People don't know what it is. I love this question. When we tell you. Yes, I'm curious to know exactly where the public mound is

and how do I expect it to be my wife. Okay, so the pubic mound is essentially right above the literal opening. Like, it's the mound where the pubic air is, essentially. So it's that whole area like right above it, like not like below your belly button, but we're talking like by the vaginal opening,

like right above the clitoris and the vaginal opening. And it's like that whole area is the mound. And so what you essentially would do there, if that makes sense to you, is that you would stimulate it by applying pressure to it. Maybe it's like, you, you, because what happens is you're stimulating internal nerve endings,

which could be the G-spot, it could be internal, literal nerves, you're sort of hitting all of them. And so a lot of women do this intuitively, they just kind of apply pressure to it. You could use a few fingers, or you could use a palm of your hand. And just apply pressure to it while you're also stimulating

her vulva or her labia. It's just kind of like, yeah. So that's what you do. It's essentially the fleshy part of the vagina above the labia. Apply pressure to it. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. See if she likes it. I think that it's make sense? Yeah. Okay.

See if she likes it. I think that it's a hidden hotspot. Okay. All right, all right, Justin. Anything else? Great, thank you. So, yeah, it simulates the clitors from the inside, essentially. I think all those internal nerves were like, is it the G, I call it the G area, the G spot.

There's, it makes sense, though, that it would be, and then it could also have a lot of women can squirt that way, holding up the magic wand on the pubic mound, can help many women squirt if you're into that kind of thing. Because essentially you're like squishing, if you think about that fleshy part and you're playing, you're playing pressure on it, or you're pushing it down, it's like hitting all the literal nerves and then a little internal. I don't know, I've been doing that forever and I didn't know. I thought it was weird that when I was having sex or forgot I was going down, I was like pushing on it, but I still do. I mean, that's just how I've had a lot of pleasure.

I've got Ken 31 in California and wants to know why he feels physically off after Master Basin, but not after sex. Hey Ken, great question. Tell me more. Thanks for calling. Hey, thanks so much. Yeah, finished a lot of I thank you everything. So, yeah, I don't really know. I mean, I suspect that there's probably, you know, some element of therapy that I'm going to'm gonna be you know starting for multiple things But how it affects my sex life, but I'm also wondering if there's some sort of physical component to it as well Well, Tommy would happens you feel physically off after you masturbate, but not after sex. So tell me what you feel like. Yeah Well, that's that's why it's weird to me because you think that, like,

generally the same thing is happening, but yeah, so if I masturbate, then, you know, I will feel both, yeah, I just feel drained in all the sense of the words, you know, and like emotionally and physically, you know, fatigue, depression is, I guess, vitality in a general sense. And, yeah, but it's all tied up in this very negative experience, and it's becoming increasingly more frustrated. Okay. Well, when did the start, so when did the start during masturbation? I don't know. I think it probably started in my mid-20s. Okay. I'm early, I'm in the 31 now.

Okay. And did something happen like, does there any guilt? Are you feeling shame after you masturbate? Are you watching porn that maybe doesn't feel that great? Yeah, I mean, sometimes, you know, watch porn. And yeah, you know, I don't know the guilt but yeah, I do feel feelings of guilt. I don't know. I don't know where where what ties into what.

Okay. What's the guilt? Well, I don't know. See, that's the thing. I don't feel like a logical, like I can't, I don't have like a logical component to why I feel guilty, but I feel all of the emotional overwhelming Twitter chemicals that I would feel if I was guilty about doing something right what I'm wondering It's tied into early stuff that might be I mean usually it is early stuff. Was there any early trauma in your life? Did anyone ever walk in? Yeah, there was some stuff with a neighborhood kid that would do different sexual things with me.

And then it was confusing because it was older and stronger and like would like hit me sometimes and stuff and and then I'll and I would like that stuff weirdly enough when I was a kid. It didn't even bother me. Even, you know, because you're in fear and you're young, you don't make sense of it. You don't have to make sense of it when you're a kid. It's a violation. Yeah. One day it all stopped. And if I talked about anything about it, like I would hit me or it was just like stone cold. And then I was like, go start going to church and then I started feeling terrible about everything. Yeah, because in Seattle.

Okay. Yeah, Ken in Seattle, okay. Yeah, Ken, I feel like I've gotten past that part of it, at least on the surface. And the surface you have, but Ken, first of all, let me just say that you sound really evolved and really self-aware and you're articulating this so well. So that's really great. I mean, I'm telling you.

And what you're saying is like, yeah, like it happened and then it didn't feel that weird after, but who knows you were a kid. So maybe you felt like, even though it was weird that he was doing stuff sexually, you're like, well, why did he stop? Am I not lovable? I didn't want the sex act.

It's just confusing when something just changes like that. And that was your first or least, you know, experiences with another person sexually, which was a violation, and which is actually, you know, illegal, and doesn't feel great, and you couldn't tell anyone. And then you've the church and you grew up in a religious environment, where that also felt wrong. So it sounds like you've had a lot of confusing messages around sex. So when you're alone with your thoughts, I mean, and just know it's common that a lot of men who feel like a lot of guilt after they master a lot of shame after masturbation. And so it sounds like it's all tangled in a lot of different messages that you get to

rewrite now your story because sometimes these things that we heard in childhood or from religion just no longer serve us. So I would recommend Ken some therapy for you. I know it's easy to think, well, it's been so long and it's gone now, but it's actually going to persist, especially when they're sexual trauma, even though it didn't feel about the time I'm telling you it's some kind of trauma, it's some kind of neuro pathway that's got wired along this trauma that it's really hard to get yourself back on track. And I would recommend EMDR therapy.

Yeah, I'm a little familiar with that. I think it's the best stuff for trauma. And I would go and you don't have to go for life. And I feel like talking about this experience is also going to bring up a lot more for you. Like, maybe you didn't feel safe. Where were your parents? You know, like, like, that's the thing about you. It brings up a lot of things. And I feel like that was a really key moment in your life, especially as a young man for that to be violated like that. Maybe there's some anger. You know what I'm saying? That comes up to you. So of course, actually having sex is going to trigger that.

So it's a lot bigger than you think, but it's also is the good news is that it's bigger than you think. So yeah, you think your past it, you're not, but also it can be handled in a way that's super healthy and you're going to get some really great insights and therapy that's going to set you on a great track for your lifetime. Because you're only 31. So we'll never deal with this stuff. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Camey posted. thank you, Ken. So appreciate it. Thanks for calling.

We're here to help. Thank you, Ken. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts, and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too.

We release two to three episodes a week, find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all at sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many great articles that have been deep into topics like, How do I have multiple orgasms? How do I last longer in bed?

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