Sex With Emily - Best Of: Sexy & Self-Aware w/ Lewis Howes & Lisa Bilyeu

Episode Date: November 26, 2021

I like to think of Lewis Howes and Lisa Bilyeu as leaders in the self-awareness world, especially when it comes to relationships. Both Lewis and Lisa are incredibly successful: she went from housewife to cofounder of a billion-dollar business, he went from picked last for dodgeball to pro athlete, New York Times bestselling author and uber successful podcaster. But here’s the thing: success is empty if you don’t learn to like yourself, and both are intimately familiar with that truth. On today’s Best Of episode, I’m pairing these two voices to bring you the most powerful advice on self-love and fulfilling relationships. We hear from Lisa, who tells the story of radically changing her role in her relationship, and Lewis, who tells the story of radically hustling for respect (and getting it) -- only to realize he needed to learn how to respect himself. In this show, you’ll learn how to ask your partner for exactly what you need, how to break the habit of “testing” partners, how to identify the masks you wear for the world, and why sex transforms after you’ve taken the time to understand who you are - and love yourself, no hustle required. Find Lewis Howes here:LewisHowes.comInstagram @lewishowesTwitter @lewishowesTikTok @lewishowesFind Lisa Bilyeu here:lisabilyeu.comInstagram @lisabilyeu Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ask yourself a simple question. Why do these things have power over me? The ultimate human being does not allow for past things to own him, to control and consume his energy and his thoughts. He has power and control over his parents fighting with him. Whatever happened the girlfriend dumping him. He doesn't allow the past to consume his mind and control him. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I like to

think of Lisa Bilieu and Lewis House as leaders in the self-awareness world, especially when it comes to relationships. Both Lisa and Lewis are incredibly successful. She went from housewife to co-founder of a billion dollar business. He went from picked last for Dodgeball to pro-athlete, New York Times bestselling author,

and Uber successful podcaster. But here's a thing, success is empty if you don't learn to like yourself and both are intimately familiar with that truth. On today's best of episode, I'm pairing these two voices to bring you the most powerful advice on self love and fulfilling relationships. We hear from Lisa who tells me the story of radically changing her role in her relationship and Lewis who tells the story of radically hustling for respect and getting it, only to realize he needed to learn how to respect himself. In this show, you'll learn how to ask your partner for exactly what you need, how to break

the habit of testing partners, how to identify the masks you wear for the world and why sex transforms after you've taken the time to understand who you are and love yourself. No hustle required. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to bring you two powerful and inspiring voices to show you what it's

like to do the work and inspire you to reach success on your terms. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Ard everyone, enjoy this episode. This is woman and dear friend Lisa Billio is the co-founder and president of Impact Theory. It's an empowering digital production company and co-founder of Quest Nutrition. You can find more about Lisa B.U. and Women of Impact, her podcast at LisaB.U. on Instagram that's LisaB.L.Y.E.U. and at Women of Impact. And don't forget to check out our podcast. I gave you some toys last time. I'm wondering if you like to discuss those, anything fun? If you explain the story because this is how awesome you are.

No, you tell this to me. I have not. If you explain the story, because this is how awesome you are. No, you tell the story. I have not. I know all your listeners already know how awesome you are, but I'm just going to make it even more incredible. I'm going to do the cherry on top. Do it. So I'm on your podcast, you're at my house, we're doing the interview, it was amazing.

And then I tell you that I'm about to go on vacation for like 10 days. And you're like, oh my God, I should have bought you this toy. I should have bought you that toy. And I'm like, oh, don I'm like, ah, don't worry. She's like, well, where do you, when do you leave? And I'm like, tomorrow morning. She's like, okay, I'm going to get you the toys. I'm like, it's like what, 7 p.m. at this point. It was 7. And I'm like, no, no, it's fine. So she's, she's asking her employees. She's like, how do I get this to Lisa? And I was like, don't sweat it. You leave, I'm packing that night. And then I get a text from you like, all right, there's an Uber on its way,

and he's bringing you a package. And so literally, guys, I had an Uber turn up at my door with this box full of just amazing toys that you send, and I took them on vacation, and my husband and I thank you. I'm so, well, here's the, here's why, well, it's your so welcome, because I heard your, the magic wand.

So Lisa had a, so the magic wand has been around for you guys Hear me talk about it 50 years and Initially it was plugged into the wall and it plugs into the wall But now it's wireless and you're telling me that yeah, but the chords and the thing and I was like I had to take an extension Quote whatever she takes She takes an extension cord to plug in the magic wand and then one time the electricity went out In a hotel room in London Oh my god wait honey you don't know like it's wireless now. It has it's cord free

You don't need to live like this anymore. You changed my life girl Yeah, we actually did For those people listening. We actually blew the fuse in our hotel room in London. And then the guy comes over and he's like, what did you do? And I was like, what do I tell him? I was like, it was my hair dryer. It's a mirror. It just happened.

Right. It was the first thing that came to mind because I was like, it was a five star hotel. I was like, I was so embarrassed. That's what happens all the time with It usually is the hairdryer. You couldn't go away for 10 days in a romantic trip with your hobby without it. It was a game changer.

I ain't just change it. You're a game changer. Oh, thank you. You're changing games. This hard. Changing life, you are. Tell me about what you've learned because you started a women of impact.

Just a few months ago, I was on one of your first shows. You was. Also, honor, check it out. It's video and audio. And I'm thinking about it. That first of all the women there have been on your show or they're just thrilled to starting businesses or they're successful in all different ways and it's just love. Like how I always have that with my girlfriends because I really rid myself of the toxicity of friends. Like, right away, when I meet someone who's, if you meet a woman as a friend, because my friendships are like very important to me.

I've got the girls, like they're my posse. And I'm like, if there's someone who is gossiping, let's say about something else, I know that then I'm the next person they're gonna talk about, or they're really unhappy, or the victim mentality, or they're just, you know,

when people show you who they are, believe them, and those aren't the friends, you know, that you want to have. And I think that takes time. You get burned a few times, and then you just try to find those people. I feel like when I've gone to your house, it's so great because I know that you put together amazing women. Thank you for that.

In your show, you're such a great interviewer. She said, you interviewed for an hour and I was like, huh. How did you know that about me and what a great way to spin it? And let me think a minute because I don't know how to answer it. So interviewing all these women who have made impacts in all different fields. Is there anything that you've noticed with these women that you've interviewed that have been like, that's interesting. I wouldn't have thought that all these women have impact high achievers or however you define

it. Is there something in common thread? Yes. So the first common thread is they've all failed. Yeah. Like every single woman in their story has failed. And then every single woman has had insecurities. And so it's like we look at all these people around us, or even just these celebrities, and we think,

I wish I was like them, they've got it easy, or they're so amazing. But really the truth is they've all had the same issues, they've all had to overcome failure, they've all fallen on their face, they've all had moments of insecurity, but they've all overcome them. And so all these little similarities, as I really do believe, has gotten them to be as successful as they are. But the difference is, is they all have techniques and different ways of handling those failures,

those moments of falling on their face. And so those little tips and tactics and tricks have opportunities to resonate with different people. And that's really my goal. Yeah. That's part of success. And it's more about how you get back up from other failures, no matter how many times you fall down, how do you get back up? Was there anything with relationships with these women? Was there a common thread that you saw women like were dating or how they're finding it now in general? Maybe just with your friends? Oh, that's interesting. Not really. I never really dove too deep into the relationship side of things.

I am noticing more and more though that women are starting to work with their husbands or their boyfriends or their partners. And so that seems to come up more and more often. Yeah. Yeah, I did a little bit of that. Well, that's what I, okay, so I also had to have you back on, not just because you're one of my favorite people, but Lisa was on the show. And she not only like started a little business with her husband, but like, knows to the grindstone, kicked ass and built, now a billion dollar company

in just a few years, right? Four or five years. But it was five years. Five years. And then they lived together and they still work together. And your advice about how you guys have really I'd never my audience and I hadn't either heard someone speak about it It's a way that was so relatable that when people have come up to me and email me like I loved it So I was hoping you could kind of share some of those tips because they're fascinating to me how you and Tom your husband Tom

Bill you who also has a successful Channel in that area, I use the mug. I got a mug. I leave our house with parting gifts and I use all of them. What can I say? I leave them to hand. I'm great. I can't help it.

Exactly. So, tell me about that. Like, some of the things that you guys do is just like, it's like contracts, but it's sexy. How they decide what they're going to do together, how they're going to live together and play together. Yeah, it's funny because really the rules we have with our personal is really the same rules we have with our business and vice versa. It's like establishing your role and establishing what you're looking for from the other person. Because as I evolved from, I was a housewife for years. And then I became his business partner.

So I went from super nurturing. I was the wife that was like, you came home, dinner was on the table waiting for you. He woke up in the morning, his gym clothes were already laid out for him, his socks, his shoes, everything. He got back from the gym and he had this towel waiting and isn't close for work.

I was the housewife that, look, we had decided as a couple, what are we doing in our future? What are we looking for as our goal? And then once we figured outwife that, look, we decided as a couple, what are we doing in our future? What are we looking for as our goal? And then once we figured out what that goal is, we said, how do we get there? And our conclusion at the time was he was going to go out and be a business man, he was going to try and earn as much money as possible. And I was going to take care of everything else, that way he could be fully involved in

whatever he was going to do. And we broke down everything. Okay, what does that actually mean? Okay, it means food, it means clothes, it means bills. And we broke down everything, okay, what does that actually mean? Okay, it means food, it means clothes, it means bills, and we rode it all out. And then I started getting into the business. And I started in our shipping department with Quest and I built it up.

And before I knew I had my first employee then had my second employee, I'd never been a boss before in my life. There was one specific guy, he was like six foot six or something like that. I mean, he was huge. And I had to make sure that he knew who was boss. Because he couldn't be coming late to work.

He couldn't be taking advantage of me of the company. And I had to make sure I was setting those ground rules from day one. And so I had to harden. And so Tom went from seeing his wife be super nurturing to over a period of one or two years where I transitioned into being an entrepreneur and I had to harden.

Where now I was no longer putting his clothes out, I was no longer sensitive to small little emotions that maybe he was having. And so we had to sit there and really talk about, okay, well I'm changing as a human being, let's address this. And what does that mean? And so that's when we came up with a list, what you're looking for in a partner. Don't even worry about them. So I said, what do you want from a wife? Don't even think about my own feelings.

Just lay out. When you already married. When we were a child. Because you guys have been together 18 years? Correct. We've been together 18 years now. And so this was, let's say, eight or nine years into our marriage.

He was used to me being a certain type of wife. So it's like, okay, well, what do you want from a wife? What type of husband do you want to be? And I did the same, what type of wife? Should you go and write it yourself? Yeah. So what type of wife do I want to be and what type of husband am I looking for?

Because once you can take away worrying about someone's feeling, someone's emotions and you can be that honest with each other, then you can say, am I willing to do that? Because it doesn't mean just because you say it has to happen, right? So it's okay, well, you want a wife that's super nurturing, am I willing to do that?

Okay, I've actually changed the human. I love business. I love this new venture that we're going in. So I'm not looking to be the stay-at-home nurture anymore. And he's like, you know, look, babe, seeing how happy you are, I would never ask that, I would never ask for you to give that up. So now I have to mourn the wife that I used to have. It's so safe to do that. But you have to mourn it because if you don't, what's going to happen, you're going to start to get resentment.

I know what you used to do for me, but what do you do for me now, right? Like you hear that a lot all the time because people change like I always say that couples are changing over time, but they never address it. And then 20 years go by and what happened? Exactly. But in the moment, the moment, the moment you're addressing it. Yeah. Okay. And you have, you have to address it. But again, just want to put an emphasis on it doesn't mean that one person's right or one person's wrong or one person has to do something versus the other. It just means you have to have that honest communication with your god down, be super open, super receptive to each other and say, okay, how do we make that work? So he said he's never seen me as happy as when I was in business. So he's like, I'm never

going to ask that of you. But yes, I love having a wife that's making me food and laying clothes out. He wouldn't. Right. So I want that. I know. I love having a wife that's making me food and laying clothes out. Who wouldn't? Right. I want that. I want to tell you. I actually need that. Right. So let's say that.

Right. Okay. So he said, so he had to mourn it. He had to mourn the type of wife I used to be, but also open his heart to the type of wife I'm now becoming. And look, the reality is being weak orthodox. I actually really do value being a traditional wife. Right.

So I struggled with the change. Right, it wasn't just him, you're like that. That was your identity also for eight years. Exactly. So we came up with a plan, going back to like, we do with our relationship, like we do business. And I said, all right, baby, well, how does it feel for you if I make your favorite meal on this Saturday and I make your favorite meal on this Sunday? So now I'm cooking for you. I'm doing something nice. I feel like I'm a really good wife because I'm really delivering, but I'm not giving up who I really want to become, which is this business woman that now I'm starting to get a taste for that I love. And so we came with to that agreement. It's like, great, babe. And look, if you can't cook on the weekends,

I don't want you to stress either because being in a relationship where like, oh my god, if I do one step wrong, then now am I going off, it gets to my word, that's not fair either. So you have to do a little balance. So you really found a way to get both of your needs met. Now can you give an example, perhaps, of some of the things that you needed from him? Yeah, absolutely.

So him becoming really into business, romance had gone away in the middle. Romantil, right? Yeah. When you're building entrepreneur. And he used to want, before we, either of us started a business, he would write me poetry.

Although she was just telling somebody the other day that he learned how to play the guitar, wrote to me a song, and then sung it to me. That's how romantic he used to be. Wow. But again, we kind of sat down and said that takes so much time, energy, and effort, that if he's going to do that, can he still become as successful as he wants to be? And so we said, it just takes up too much time. And so I had to mourn the romance side of it.

And but then we had to find a balance because he went too far into the grind and working every day, seven days a week. So for me, I had to go, okay, well, what's my role in this? I'm the one who's seeking the romance. He doesn't innately feel it anymore because he's so consumed with his work. And I don't take that personally. Like, that's not about me. That's about something that he's found that he's passionate over. But I need to take responsibility because romance is important to me. And so if it's important to me, don't be this person on the sideline that's just hoping for it. You're like waiting for a romance to find your lab.

Right. You can also bring their romance. Exactly. So I lay out what that is for me. And if that is, hey babe, I need you to write me a card. It's my birthday. I don't want any gifts. I don't want anything, but I want you to hand,

in fact, it wasn't a hand-write card. But the thing that I said to him is, I want you to personally phone up the restaurant and book the restaurant that we're going to. For whatever restaurant. Yeah, well no, I picked out. Okay. I was very controlling like that.

I was like, I know what I want to eat. I know exactly. You make the cut right. Now look, we have assistance, so I could have asked them easily. For us. But it was important that he phoned. And the thing is, I know about him, is I know that he's actually quite forgetful.

So I took his phone, not trying, because you can test people. Now the thing is, if I tested my husband's memory, he would have failed. And if that's a reflection of how much he loves me, well then I'm setting myself up for failure because I know his memory is terrible. He would forget even things were important to him.

Exactly. So I know that it's not a personal insult to me. So I know he's got a bad memory. So I took his phone and I put in his phone, book birthday restaurant for your wife. And I just set an alarm for him to do it. And so now his alarm goes off, he picks up his phone, he does it, and we've come together as a team

to for me to get what I want. So again, it's not testing people, it's not checking like, oh, well, if they really love me, they'll make the book of the restaurant. It's like, no, people are forgetful. Exactly. And you knew about him that he was forgetful.

So it wasn't like that would have been setting him up for failure. I feel like what a lot of people do in relationships is, they're putting these ridiculous demands on their partners that have never done anything like that. And they just wanted to do it for me. Like, just go ahead and initiate sex even. That's not even that crazy.

Or let's act out of fantasy. And then there's a partner going, I don't even know what that means. So you got to go to baby steps. Exactly. And sometimes we are like, why don't they ever bring home flowers? Or maybe it overwhelms them and they don't know what you like.

Cause one time you were sneezing over that one bouquet and then make it as easy as you can. like we just are issuing demands at people are partners and not really seeing them for who they are there's just a lot missing in that. Yeah and I would just say be uber specific with the demand. Don't beat around the bush like ladies or even guys like figure out what you really want if you want flowers or if you want sex just be honest with the other person because they're not a mind reader because is your goal to test them or to actually get what you want like what is that goal right if it's to actually get what you want can say it exactly say it and get it but

how and you are pretty clear on what or did it take a while for you guys to because a lot of people even myself sometimes I find when I'm looking for what I want and I've done a lot of work on this, what I want in a partner, sometimes it's like, I had to really sit and spend time, you're not gonna write it in a day. As women sometimes we are very just reactive, and we just fall into a role,

but it might have been working for us anymore. And I know a lot of women who have had kids, and they're like, oh, I'm no longer that mom, but I want to go out and do something else, and there's a lot of different ways it can look, so just like a business to have couples like check in. Yeah. And it's like we want to feel good about ourselves.

And the problem is because we want to feel good about ourselves, we kind of wait for people to give that to us, right? Like I'm going to feel good about myself if my husband comes home tonight with flowers. But I don't want to rely on him to feel a certain way in the hope that he knows that he should be bringing flowers home, you know? So I'm like, okay, if I really want to feel good

and I think flowers are going to do it, then I'm going to reach out to him and I'm going to say, baby, you know what, really make me feel good tonight. If you came home with flowers, because I'm really struggling. And if he doesn't, then have that conversation, like, look, I reached out, I was very honest with you, you didn't come home with flowers because I'm really struggling. And if he doesn't then have that conversation, like look, I reached out.

I was very honest with you. You didn't come home with flowers. Now I'm going to be more reluctant to reach out to you and tell you what I want because you didn't reciprocate. And then just talking about it as it happens and not letting it build up. Now some people would think there's nothing romantic about this because you're having to spoon feed your partner what you want. And to me, it makes the most sense ever because how y'all doing with that, just waiting for

your partner to kind of show up with what you want. That doesn't work that way. Like I always talk about scheduling sex or scheduling date nights because I just think yeah, we are expecting our partners to be mind readers and just figure it all out. And it doesn't work like that at all. So that is inspiring to me. Thank you. Everything about it.

18 years, yeah. But in all honesty, when we first got together, if I had heard myself, now I'd be like, God, that sounds so unromantic. I would have been that person. But the truth is I wasn't getting what I wanted. And do you want to be disappointed by your partner? I mean, look, Tom doesn't want to disappoint me.

And so if he was disappointed me without realizing it, like the least I can do as the wife is give him the keys to the kingdom and tell him exactly. See, that is a key point. That is a key point. And that is, I believe that no one's partner wants to inherently disappoint them. They don't want to be withholding. They don't want to not do that thing you want in bed or buy you the perfect birthday present or be the right partner and show up

at your family's dinner and not mess it up. If they are with you and merit, they're not trying to fuck it up. Yeah. So it's just interesting. And then it all goes back to communication skills, like people starting from, let's say there's a couple and we have many couples listening, probably been together 18, 20 years, we hear from a lot of them. We would just start, if you're already there and you're like, we are already in this place, how do you like, is there like a form they would fill out? Like how would you have couples sit down and start a conversation they've never had about how to get, let's say, their needs met.

I would say timing makes a difference. So if you're having this conversation with your partner when they're really tired or when they're frustrated, it's like, it's the worst time. So making sure that you guys are super relaxed, you've got both guards are down because you can't come at it with an attack mode. Because immediately someone's going to put their guard up and it's like, yeah, but you didn't do this and now that doesn't get you anywhere. Exactly. Start with how it makes you feel.

Correct. That I, that you. That's right, exactly. What you're looking for personally, what would mean a lot to you. So I think language matters. So hey, baby, this is something that I've really been thinking about. It'd make me really happy and I think that you can bring it. You know, like having those kind of words versus,

you know what, you haven't done this. You can lead to the same thing, but two very different approaches. You can get exactly what you want, but when you put someone on the defensive, you never, you didn't, they know where to go. And the thing that Tom and I actually use a lot now is the word feel.

I feel like that doesn't mean that it's true. Like I actually recognize the emotion, my emotions could be blinding me right now. And this may be inherently wrong, but I feel like you're not showing me enough romance. Okay, he can say, but hang on a minute, I did this, this, and this, yeah, I totally hear you, but I don't feel it. Okay, why don't I feel it? And then you figure it out, then you keep diving deeper, you keep diving deeper. But in saying feel, it doesn't make anyone's guard up,

it doesn't mean that you're attacking them, a connollige that it could be your own emotions in that moment that's misleading you because we all know your emotions are gonna take over. So if, or your chemical, so if we know that, I just lead with it, like, look, I could be really sensitive right now. And it's very possible, but I feel like

I'm not getting enough attention. And no one can really argue with your feelings. Right. No one can say, no, you don't feel that way. You're like, I, this is what I'm telling you. I am feeling, you can't argue with feelings. With someone says, you did this, you did that, they could argue, but feelings is like,

that's why it's a great way of lead. And then you could go back and go back and say, okay, so what would make you not feel like that? And now you're letting the person tell you back the answer so the person listening can really absorb what they're saying and then act in accordance with it. That's such a great way to put it back.

What would make you not, what would make you feel the opposite? Exactly. And then it could be flowers, it could be a vacation, it could be anything. Lisa Bilyu, this is all, thank you for all your advice here. We've taken break. I have to ask you the five cookie questions I ask every guest.

Also, if you want to find Lisa, it's at Lisa Bilyu, the L-I-S-A-B-I-L-Y-E-U. Nice, well done. You know what I'm saying. And at Women of Impact, and we're gonna have all this-B-I-L-Y-E-U. Nice. Well done. You know me. And at Women of Impact, and we're going to have all this on the show notes, and then here's the five questions ready. Oh, I love games.

I love games. I know. I should give you a sex game. Do you guys want a sex game? Biggest turn on. I know. Biggest turn on. My husband.

Biggest turn off. Oh, poop. Oh, poop. It could be poop. It is. I don't know where they came from. Something you wear that makes you feel sexy every time. Oh, my birthday suit.

Nice. Go to date night activity. Oh, talking. I know, big talker. We've been for like nine hours. We've been in a restaurant for nine hours once. The two story. I love it.

See? Great minds. Something your partner does that gets you in the mood immediately. Ooh. Kisses me on the neck. Ah, love it. Thank you, Lisa Bilya for being here.

This is a blast. I love you. I do it every check out our podcast. We have an impact. You're amazing. You'll be back again. Thank you for sharing all of that. You guys, okay, thanks for being here. Check her out. After the break, I talked to Lewis about the masculine side of sex and

relationships. Be right back. Lewis houses a New York Times bestselling author, lifestyle entrepreneur, former professional football player, business coach and keynote speaker. Find more about LewisHouse at LewisHouse.com on his podcast, School of Greatness, or Instagram at LewisHouse. Hi, Lewis. Good to see you. Good to see you too.

It's funny. You won't. What do we mean 2011? 2011? Was that one the show was? Am I a hot sex book launch? Because you were really into hot sex at the time. No, that's not.

We could actually funny it. Sorry, but I met him six years ago in New York. We had mutual friends. But now he's the best selling author entrepreneur. He created the School of Greatness. And the podcast came first, correct? Podcast came first. And then people just wanted more information.

And then I put together the book. He did, right. He's got a best selling book book and it's built around the philosophy that's encouraging people to go deeper with themselves, become the best version of themselves in all aspects of their lives. And so you interviewed truly great people. More than a lot to say. And it was very successful. It still is very successful your podcast. And your most recent book is a departure from that because you've had a lot of success. And we're going to hear it get into your old story, but it's called the mask of masculinity, how men can embrace vulnerability, create strong relationships, and live their fullest lives.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I've always worn a lot of masks. I think it's a driven, achieving athletes. I want to, yeah, let's tell it to your story because not everybody, let's pretend they don't know you. Yeah, from Ohio, and I was just very driven to achieve in sports. I'll talk about why in a second, but my entire life, I wrapped my identity around being a great athlete.

If I didn't win, I was a sore loser, and so I just drove to always win in sports, and to get bigger, faster, stronger. It worked. I was great in high school, college, I played professional football for a little bit, and to get bigger, faster, stronger. And it worked. I was great in high school, college, I played professional football for a little bit. And then I got injured, and for a couple of years was in Ohio on my sister's couch, trying to figure out who am I.

My whole identity was wrapped around being an athlete. Now I can't be an athlete. Like, what do I even know about life or anything other than sports? And I started getting into business. I had a lot of mentors who were guiding me and eventually took off and it's one business, sold it and realized that things don't work for me.

Even though I had been successful in sports, made a lot of money in business and sold this company eventually after a number of years, I was still like, why am I just insecure and unhappy and afraid and jealous and comparing constantly? And I turned 30, moved to LA, I guess I was 29 and I moved here, but I was around 30 when I was going through a very toxic relationship

that I didn't have the emotional capacity as a man to say what I needed to say and to remove myself from the environment. The intimacy was so powerful for me. The intimacy, the sex, the connection there was so profound that- That was too much. That was the problem. I was like, if I leave, I may never have this again. Okay. That's what everyone thinks when they're roughly related. It was like, yeah, but then,

so for 5% of the relationship was powerful in those moments. The other 95% it was like the most toxic, volatile experience of my life. That was so stressful, and that was always on eggshells, right? So it's like, didn't matter what I said, what I did, what I looked at, didn't look at, it was like I was wrong as a man in the relationship. And so all I was trying to do was please the relationship,

like please hurt and make her feel happy. So I think most guys want to make their partner happy. Yeah, they do. And when they're not happy, then they say, okay, well, what can I do to make you happy? I didn't have the emotional vocabulary and language on how to express myself. So I started to express myself with anger. I started to get

defensive when someone would attack me online or tweet at me something about whatever I would respond back for days to defend myself. I would go play basketball and work out to get this aggression out. It's like frustrating feeling I was having. And anytime that anyone on the mean streets of West Hollywood would step to me on a basketball game, I would like scream at them, shove them, I wanted someone to fight me. I was like, bring it on, let's do this. And then no stakes game of pick a basket. Right, because you just, right,

you just gotta get it out. Because you can't talk to your girlfriend about anything. You had to be like, right. And so all these things came to a head when I got in a really bad fight. A four years ago, I beat the crap out of someone on a basketball court. It finally happened where I instigated someone enough.

He hit me and it gave me the right in my mind to fight back. Okay. And it was just bad because. You were not a fighter before this. You were saying the aggression was coming out because you weren't able to deal with some of the emotions and the many emotions and I mean the last fight was like in high school or something Yeah, no, I you know, I played football. I was able to hit people and be the way with it because it's legal You know what I mean? So I was my ability to do that

But what I didn't know how to express myself is like well, what do I do? Right. How do I get this out there? I'm like conscious obviously It's just right so this was a moment in my life where I was like I'm like conscious obviously. It's just like. Not really conscious. So this was a moment of my life where I was like, things are not working. I'm achieving financial results.

People looking at my podcasts is taking off. These things are working. Pretty much every goal I set out to do, I made happen. Pretty much everything. But I was suffering constantly inside. How did you know you were in settle if you had all these great things? What did you walk around feeling angry? Yes, feeling less sad, comparing yourself to others?

Same-hole, guilty, embarrassed. Like the whole imposter syndrome maybe, like I have success, but I feel like it or no, you don't go to the... Here's what I realized is people didn't actually know who I was, that I was constantly projecting a false sense of who I was in the world. I acted like I had it always figured out that I had the answers. I was projecting a false sense of masculinity to try to look good and to try to be okay in the world. I started to, for the first time ever, like ask for feedback, you know, 30 years old

and I was like, okay, all these things aren't working. After this fight, I was like ran back to my condo in West Hollywood and like was in my bathroom washing off the blood on my hands. Blood is all over the court. And the police department is like right across the street and I'm like, I could have lost everything in this moment.

There's one stupid decision to have like respond in this way in a weak-minded way by allowing myself to hit someone. It's so weak if you think about it. What if someone had a knife? What if the cops were there and I went to jail? Like all the things that I've worked hard for my whole life could have been over or could have had like a mark on me in some way. And I remember just looking in the mirror myself just like shaking. I was like, what is wrong with you? Why are you this way? Why do you always

respond with anger? Why are you always frustrated? Why are you always defensive in sports, but then in relationships in every area of your life. And you were still in this relationship at the time, kind of? Still I was like trying to get out of it. Right, right, right. You got to mean, but like I was spending, we went into relationships typically because men are like trying early, they go. That was a coward. It was terrifying to me because I was afraid to be alone as well.

And as afraid I would never have that intimacy again. And so I did for the first thing, I was just like, it wasn't total rock bottom, but it was like emotional rock bottom. I was going to say was it your emotional rock bottom? I remember I literally was sitting in my apartment for two weeks and I watched 88 episodes of weeds. You know the show weeds? Yeah. Yeah. Like I literally didn't leave. For two weeks, I was just like laying, I mean, I got up and did whatever got food every now and then, but I literally didn't leave. For two weeks, I was just like laying, I mean, I got up and did whatever, got food every now and then,

but I was pretty much in my bed watching weeds every single day. This was the one thing on. It was the thing on, I just watched a couple, and I was like, I was like, I was from the beginning, and I was like, oh, there's 10 episodes, or 10 seasons, let me just go through them all. And I just went and sleep,

I'll just watch TV all day long. It was in my escape for me. And I started to ask for feedback. I was like, okay, enough is enough. I'm sick of feeling this. I've got to change my life. Otherwise, I'm probably always going to be fine. You asked your friends for feedback,

your family, people for that. I started asking friends. I started hiring therapists. I hired coaches. I was asking my closest friends like, Tell me why I'm in the most fucked up. I was just like, what are the things that you like about me? They enjoy about me.

What do I do really well? What are the things that I don't do well? It's just like on all spectrums, give me feedback. I was a demand for information about who I was and how I showed up in the world. Because before that, I never wanted feedback or criticism. We often talk about emotionally unavailable men, which is sort of the umbrella term,

I think, for a lot of different emotional challenges that men and women have, emotionally, I've been known to be emotionally unavailable. I think your book deals with a lot of that. It dating any man that you ever thought he doesn't quite get it. It'll be in this book. So what you're saying is you were asking him, so before that you were that guy, you're like, I thought,

I see if you're free, did I ask you for that? Like if they asked, but now you're like, tell me. So with the, the, the, the, the, the themes. Absolutely. I mean, pretty much that I'm, was a coward on every area of my life. That was very guarded that I was angry. And I was like, what are you talking about?

I'm like the most loving, joyful, happy guy. Like I always came from a place of smiling and happy and joyful, but when moments of frustration came to me, it's like I only had one switch, and that was to defend myself, to protect myself. Again, I was talking to therapists, coaches. I was like asking everyone, and I went to this workshop.

It was a five day workshop here in LA, motion intelligence training, that had a lot of games and exercises. It addressed the areas of our life that weren't working for us. So there's like 50 of us in this workshop, and this trainer was like going through different exercises and games to address the areas of our past that we still hold on to,

that keep us from living a more meaningful, fulfilling, rich life in relationships and our career, everything. And we're going through a lot of these things the first few days of our parents and the example they said and how we grew up like them and whatever. Breakups we've gone through, divorces people have gone through.

The things that we've been holding on to that still hurt us and how we have these triggers and reactions. So for three days, people are opening up and expressing this and I'm kind of opening up and I'm acting like I've got it all figured out. But I'm talking about the different challenges I had growing up. And at day three, the trainer goes, okay, we've addressed everything from your past.

Now we're going to move forward to create a vision for your life on how you want to live, moving forward for the ultimate relationships, the ultimate career, mission, everything your health. But we can't fixate on the past if you want to live in a powerful future. It's like cool. And so he goes, if you haven't said anything you need to say yet, now is the moment. Otherwise, we're not going back. So you need to say it now or kind of forever hold your piece.

He's got anxious. Okay. And so I'm sitting there, again, there's 50 of us in a room and I'm sitting there. And I'm like, I talked about my parents going through divorce and like everyone in this room and I talked about feeling like the youngest of four and not having the attention that I wanted I talked about being picked on and bullied and picked last and being in the special needs class

is my whole life in school and just feeling insecure. For learning? Yeah, for learning in school. And I talked about my brother who went to prison for four years when I was eight years old and how I didn't have any friends during that time. What about that moment when I was raped by a man? And it came in my head. And I was like, huh, yeah, that time when I was five, when that man took me in the bathroom and raped me. Why have I never shared this with anyone? Why have I always held this a secret? Why has this

always been the thing that I've never wanted anyone to know about me? And I just, for whatever reason in that moment, I stood up, walked at the front of the room, and for the first time, told the entire story as if I was right there. And I couldn't look anyone in the eyes when I told this story. I was so ashamed of myself and so embarrassed by what people would think about and I sat down and it was like I just erupted with tears. I just erupted. I couldn't control myself. Yeah, it was just like it was so terrifying to let people see me.

Yeah, and so this is something that you would completely repress in the sense of it didn't come up for you. I always knew it happens. Yeah, and so this is something that you would completely repress in the sense of it. It didn't come up for you. I always knew it happens. Of course, yeah. It's in your body. I always think about it. Because that was the one tab that would never come out.

Right. And people would always ask me stuff about why you sew this and this and that. Yeah. You have a lot of deep conversations with people are asking and they're revealing. And I would never, I never told them not. I just didn't want people to know. No, no, never right moment for that. Tell that.

And it was the most challenging thing because I ran out of the room afterwards because I couldn't stop crying. And I was just like, I feel embarrassed, I'm scared. I don't know what these people are thinking about me. Luckily, there was two women on either side of me who were like holding me and crying with me that I felt like, okay, I'm somewhat safe in this moment.

But I was just so embarrassed that I ran out of this kind of hotel conference room. Went across the street, there was like a okay, I'm somewhat safe in this moment. But I was just so embarrassed that I ran out of this kind of hotel conference room. Went across the street, there was like a wall, I put my head up against the wall like this and it was just like couldn't stop crying. And after a few minutes, it was like one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me. These men who were in the room came up to me

and started holding me, hugging me, and they were like, you're my hero. They were like, I've never seen a man do it, you've done, just did here. Like people are like, man, I've been judging you this whole time, I've thought of you of this other guy, you know. You're coward.

Right, well, you know, I led with my ego a lot. I led with ego, I led with ego a lot. And they were like, gosh, I've just been judging you and now I trust you. And some of the guys were like, I've been sexually abused and I haven't told anyone. Well, right, it's so comfortable. And I haven't told anyone, and my wife doesn't know,

and you're giving me permission to go tell my wife and have that conversation. If you wanna have the greatest sex and relationship in general, if your partner doesn't know like the things that are most vulnerable to you, then you don't feel safe and you don't know like the things that are most vulnerable to you, then you don't feel safe and you don't feel like you can trust that person. And therefore you'll probably never fully emotionally

expose yourself in bed and sex. And there's something we'll always be holding it back. It may be powerful, great, but that intimacy where you're looking someone's eyes and you both orgasm emotionally, spiritually, physically. Like that is unbelievable connection. No, it is. This is perfect.

So what you're doing here, because I want to say what I'm hearing in that is that this moment of we all have secrets and things that we're shamed of because we get into a relationship with someone and you know, we always bring like, what do they call like your first date? Like your representative, they say the first few dates, like the best version of yourself for a few years. And there's certain things we just were like, well,

I could never reveal this about me, but this person won't love me. They won't like me. And a lot of times we have it real, that to anybody or maybe just our best friend, and that's what true intimacy is. And you realize that it, all the power that you've given this, whatever the thing is that you're repressing, all the energy you've given it, once you like release it to the world, right? it no longer has power on you. It releases it's freedom. It was instant, I mean, it was terror and I was scared and unsure of what was going to happen because I just didn't think I was allowed to say those things.

Exactly. But what happened afterwards was like, it was unbelievable. Freedom. You know, I took some weeks and months in a fully process and I was telling my family, I started telling my friends one by one because this group really encouraged me to start talking about it more. Just like the relationships I had with my family started saying things that I never knew about them. Right, because you were able to tell them. So that's a thing. It's not about relationships with, it is about romantic relationships, intimate ones, but with your family

and your friends, when you start to really reveal this stuff, you realize that it makes you, and that's how we talk about it, specifically the mask of masculinity, because men feel like it will make me less manly. I won't be a man if I'm vulnerable. If I'm a man.

I'll be a girl. I'll be a child. I'll be a less than a girl. Whatever the names that kids called me growing up. Exactly. It's like, I don't want to be less than a girl. No, God no. Can't be that. Or consider that girl. I'll be whatever the names that kids called me growing up. Exactly. It's like I don't want to be less than a girl. No, God no. Can't you? That's exactly right. Yeah, so that's just a lot of guys have followed this pattern, not all guys, where they don't feel like it's cool or okay to just share their feelings. And you were talking about before we jumped

on. You guys, as girls, talk about this every day. You get together in groups and you're like, ah, I'm going through this right now. I'm stressed out about this. Every day, I talk to my girlfriend. I mean, I'm lucky. I think a lot of women have this. So, but we are socialized from the time of for babies. Like women are just more social creatures the way we create. We make eye contact, all that stuff.

And I feel like with my girlfriends, we do. I have the same 10 best friends that have throughout the last 20, 15, 20 years. And I, they're all, San Francisco are all over the world. But I talk to them. And we're not like, hey, what shoes did you get? What makeup? Okay, what happened with your husband? What's going on here? And we get into it. When I was 26 at Sanford, just go, I'd go to therapy every week and after therapy. And when every Tuesday in my best friend, Mary and I would meet

a whole foods, and we would sit at the bulk food, we'd get the thing, we'd sit there get coffee, and we would just process our therapy for a year. I mean, it's like, I've been, so women naturally do this. Men, not so much. You get together. So I think that- 50% of men feel like they don't have a guy friend they can share their stuff with. And so they get it from women sort of, but then the women are constantly frustrated because like, he's not available, he's not available.

So what I wanted to do today is because that's an amazing story about how you were able to open up and I'm sure your relationships have all improved You're able to end that toxic one and I think you're in a healthy relationship, right? Yes, and it's not just it has to be trauma though There are so many men I'm glad you have one in six men of sex men have been sexually abused That has been recorded Yeah, but there's not like three women is it one three one a four one three one? Yeah, I'm sure more of them sexually harassed

and somewhere grabbed or whatever. Oh God, because I got that, yeah, I'll take. Right. We're men who feel unsafe that feel like they don't know how to express themselves. They've never been trained or they don't have the emotional capacity to. And listen, I'm right there with these men in a sense of like,

I've been angry and reacted in ways that are very defensive and guarded. Now, thankfully, I've never sexually molested or done these things or killed me one guy up on the basketball. Exactly. So it's all next time next year could have been who knows. Exactly. That's what we're thinking. Yeah. Well, wait, we're going to take a quick break. When we come back, God, there's so much more to double into. I think that a lot of

guys and women, you know what I love is that your book is also for women. Absolutely. Listen, you're going to recognize yourself and women. If you're dating a man, you're going to be like, Oh, yeah, that's what isn't we're going to tell you how to deal with it. Lewis House is book is also for women. Listen, you're gonna recognize yourself and women if you're dating a man, you're like, oh yeah, that's what it is. And we're gonna tell you how to deal with it. Lewis House is book, it's the Mask of Masculinity. Also, thanks for supporting our sponsors. I love them.

I never talk about products or surfaces or anything that I haven't used that I'm not actually obsessed with. So thank you for supporting them, and we'll be right back. So this what we're talking about is like this classic journey towards self-awareness, right? Like we've a lot of us are driven by goals, certain ambitions of once we get the job, the car, the house, the wife, everything will be perfect. We're going to be happy, we're going to be successful, and then you get there, and then you're like,

ah, I still feel empty, something's wrong. I mean, it's a classic, right? It's a classic tale of self-awareness. I forget the celebrity that said this. I don't know if it was Jim Carrer or someone that was like, I wish everyone in the world could become rich and famous and realize that's not like the key to... No, great quote in your book that I pulled out, actually.

What did say? Whatever success you're after, someone has already achieved it, diluted himself into thinking that just a little more of it would make him happy and solve all his problems. Guess what? It didn't. So everything that we're chasing,

and we think we look at that person, if you're looking outside yourself to achieve, but they're so happy there, if I just make a little more money, if I only meet this person, and everything would be great. And the bottom line, everyone can tell you, mystics, psychic, the Buddha, everyone can tell you, mystics,

psychic, the Buddha, anywhere, wherever you go, it comes from the inside, it comes from all this stuff. But I also think that we are talking, I think there's a lot of women who are a little more self-aware about this. I'm not saying every woman on the planet, but for a man who are listening, going, yeah, I hear what you're saying. I haven't been abused. I mean, my life is actually really good right now. Like, I don't even really know what you're talking about. And I can tell you that if they just called me for five seconds, I could probably take collar sometimes too. I think I could get to that and I could get that in five seconds. Like, have you ever dated a woman

who was like, you're not really emotionally available? Or I feel like when I'm with you, I'm kind of alone, or I feel like you don't really share things. Like, babe, we talk all the time. So those people, those guys maybe who are like Here's the thing these masks represent a A part of our what we think is our identity. They represent our what we think is our self-worth You know and for me I was picked last and fourth grade on a dodgeball game, but there was two captains two guys That to come back to the story from the beginning, there was my fourth great teacher said, okay, we're not going out to

recess by ourselves, we're gonna do like a class dodgeball game and he picked two of the popular kids to be the captains and they chose one by one, right? There was like 30 kids in the class, let's say 15 boys, 15 girls, I can't remember exactly, and I'm thinking I'm one of the taller kids, I'm probably gonna be picked one of the first, and they go through one by one and pick all these guys until it comes down to the last two guys. Me and the nerdy looking guy who had the glasses in the pocket square and that kid, right? And I'm like, there's no way they're not going to pick me after this guy. And they end up picking this other kid before me.

And so I'm the last boy to be picked. But then something happens. The next picker picks a girl and then picks another girl and then picks another girl until it's down to me and the last girl in the class. This girl can barely even walk. She's like so uncoordinated and I'm like, there's no way I'm going to be the last one picked. And they picked the girl and by default, I go on the last team. I don't even get picked. So I'm less than a girl in my mind and in like my fourth grade minds and I said never again will I get picked last?

So you whether I was sexually abused or not before this I said never again will I be picked last and I'm gonna become so big so fast so strong So valuable that people always have to pick me first in sports, huh? and It worked I trained myself every single day. I used to have a few. Starting then, was third grade? Fourth grade. This negative fuel to prove people wrong drove me every day.

And I had that chip on my shoulder and it worked. I was a great athlete at high school college. Everything else like that, played professional sports. And I proved those kids wrong. And who even knows if you would have played sports because those pivotal moments, right? Here's the thing. I proved all those kids wrong.

And anyone else wrong who thought I wasn't good enough or whatever had something for me, I proved them all wrong. But man, every time I lost at anything, I was the worst loser. Because it was like an attack on my identity, on myself worth. If I'm not going to win then people aren't going to accept me

and The worst loser the worst winner, you know, I rubbed it in their faces and It never felt good. I achieved these big dreams that I wanted and when I would achieve them. I was like Why am I still not fulfilled? It's because I was driven by this false sense of identity. And then again, when I lost, when I wasn't able to play football anymore and I got injured,

my self-worth was wrapped around this idea of being an athlete. This is what happens with men who have the material mask. When I was broke on my sister's couch for a couple years, I was like, I don't wanna feel this way anymore. I need to learn how to make money. And I started researching, I found mentors who are millionaires, I was like, I'm gonna obsess over this. I'm gonna focus on getting nice things, everything.

And it worked. I made millions of dollars, I built a business. I was like, you know, had access to things. And the money was never enough. Like I was living in scarcity. Like when, and then when the money started to go down on my bank account, I freaked out. Right, exactly.

My self-worth was wrapped around my net worth. So some guys, you see that they always need something else to- So you went from like athleticism, from being never worth that to money. And I think it's interesting in your stories, because even, well, this was up until four years ago, because your school of greatness, your own book,

there was a chapter in your book you were saying like you're on this book door and you have everything and people are signing up and your book sold out, your best seller agents like do everything you want and you're in your hotel room lonely going and I guess I have to say like I and even as a woman and there's other thing women have these masks as well I can't tell you how many times I mean I've gone through this I thought like even when I met you doing misadvised I'd for me it was never about fame it was never about money even when I met you doing misadvised, I'd, for me, it was never about fame, it was never about money, except I was super broke

during misadvised. I was like living in a friend's couch. I had no money, so everything else. All you girls were, I think, right? Yeah, totally. I was broke. And I was like, but I know doing this podcast is my passion. I love, I mean, it still is helping people,

and people listen to it, so why aren't they making my ice cream? I just kept doing it. My parents are like, you're crazy. I'm like, but it's so close. For me, it was about how could I make this thing happen so it could be sustainable? And it wasn't so much about, now I've finally can, I have the money.

I have a lot of things I wanted. But sometimes, yeah, there's still that now I have all that. I put all my energy to that. And where's my community? I left them in San Francisco. And so there's always going to be little things, but the more where you are now, I know what's missing and where you go. So we flip around these things in our life, but I guess just but the more where you are now, I know what's missing and where you go.

So we flip around these things in our life, but I guess just the more stuff of where you are about where things are at. So now, so you did the book tour, so you did it with from athleticism, and then the athlete, then the book tour, and then you're like, whoa, and then you had this breakdown. Well, then I was in the sexual mass,

and I was like, well, I can't be with one woman because I'm getting all these women. My whole childhood, high school, no girls liked me. You know, because I was like, I was never ends, the guys were like, dumb kid who was in the special needs classes. Well, my brother was in prison when I was eight years old to us,

12 for selling drugs and undercover cops. So I didn't have the parents in my neighborhood wouldn't let their friends, their kids hang out with me. So I didn't have friends. And I was like dumb in class. And I was like, six, four when I was eight. And I just looked goofy and all these things. And so now I have some financial success,

I have some athletic success, I have this. The book's success and like women were desiring me. And I was like, oh, now I need to get mine. I need to show myself worth. I gotta get back some chicks. Yeah, I gotta prove to myself that I can get this. Right, that's still empty. This is like so classic, right?

Guys go to these cycles. I know so yeah, you go to the cycles, you got all the money, that you can get the women, then you get the job and the cars. And ultimately, it's all free and empty until you love yourself, know yourself and become vulnerable and real. Yes. This is the challenge. Everything was working in my life on the outside.

Like I was getting results. When people gave me feedback, I was like, screw you, you're not doing this in your business, you're not doing this, you're not, you know, whatever. I was like defensive. It's really hard because people start to look at themselves differently when they go through a divorce or a bad breakup or a health scare

or a near-death experience or someone close to them dies. That's when people start trying to look and be like, let me look at my life and see, how do I want to live? So it's hard to get men to be aware and look within when they don't feel like they need to. That's why I think this book is going to be powerful for women because women have a massive influence

over men and intimate relationships whether they think so or not. And when you can understand the man in your life women because women have a massive influence over men and intimate relationships whether they think so or not. And when you can understand the man in your life who might be disconnected or might be focused on this or on that or who is defensive or all he needs to be right and win in your arguments or put down people, whatever it may be, or it's always telling a joke, it's just constantly funny. Yeah, let's talk about some of the masks.

Because that's why I was going to say a lot of times there's the rock bottom that like someone dies or you're you know you lose a job or you lose a loved one and that's when people seek help. I have friends who have private jets and who have amazing cars and like own islands literally. Right. And but they're so humble and they're giving and they're they don't make it about showing it off. They make it more about like sharing an experience. Sharing it and let me live a lifestyle that inspires you, show you how good I am. And so there's a way that you can approach this. You can still have nice material things

and live luxurious if that's what you want. But if it's just approved to yourself, that you're worthy of something. It's very fleeting. It's just an age thing though. It's like a younger man, you're a person's game. Like in your 20s, you think that's what matters maybe, and then... It's so hard because I mean...

Because I can't tell guys if they want to get the first watch and the first car. Here's the thing. It starts. For women to design their bag, you know? Exactly. I mean, it starts with the classroom, the experience it starts with, the athletic experience. When you're on a sports team or you're in a classroom and you're just walking through the halls as a guy, you're're gonna see other guys saying things about you

or saying things about other people or if you're like emotional or crying, they're gonna say, stop crying, stop being a little girl or don't be a pussy, don't be a fact, don't be whatever the word is that they're saying. If your mom is like, you know what, honey, today I want you to practice like being very giving and open and loving at school.

Like go in and like really be kind to the other kids and you say, okay mom, I'm gonna do that and you're kind and open and loving at school. Go in and really be kind to the other kids. And you say, okay, mom, I'm going to do that. And you're kind and you're loving. And you see a couple bullies bullying another kid. You're like, hey guys, don't pick on him. And then they take you and shove you in the locker or do it or beat you up. You're like, okay, this doesn't feel good.

And I need to protect myself. I need to arm myself. And that's what men are living with all the time. I totally get that. So these are the masks. The athlete mask, the material mask, the sexual mask, aggression, men are using aggression, the joker, the funny guy. Or like, I love hanging out with him. He's a great texture, but takes a few dates. You're like, but he's so fun. But he said nothing. I don't think about this guy. I mean, I know all these guys. The invincible guy, you know. He's got this.

You know, the know it all. That's so annoying. Man's blaming. Got a man's blame to them. God, the alpha mask. Yeah. They're just the alpha man. I just can't take any of these guys.

I see them, but I guess it's just experience. I've been all these. Right, I was gonna say every man is right. Every man at least, we would lead with like a dominant one or two and or has. And I'm still aggressive at the time. Right. I'm still competitive and we need to win in arguments sometimes. Luckily, I have been working on this for four years for myself. And now it's funny because I was in the airport last week trying to get somewhere and I missed my flight and I literally wanted to punch a wall because I was so furious that of what had happened.

And I was going to make it about the TSA people and them like making me take forever and double-check all this stuff. And I just felt like they weren't helping me. Like the customer support that wasn't helping me. And my old way of being would have been like screaming, making a scene, throwing a fit, punching something, kicking something,

a trash can, storming out of there, and feeling angry the rest of the day. That's right. And so I was like, I was so furious, I wanted to just automatically go to that place. And I just started like smiling inside because I was like, isn't it fitting that I'm writing this book about masculinity?

And here's a great test for me. How do I want to show up? I yourself in that moment. How do I want to show up, do I want to show up and act like a jerk to this person and make a scene and make it about me? Or where's the lesson and can I recommit to my vision of what I want to do right now and who I want to be

and walk out of here gracefully and yeah, it sucks. Yeah, I did. And you catch it in that moment. And it might happen. So it's the awareness. Right. So this is all about self awareness. It's awareness and it's practice. You know, every morning, I practice meditation. You don't have to, but you can just practice for five minutes saying, how do I want to show up today? When shit hits the fan. So in the morning, I will talk about the things I'm really great for,

and how I want to show up. And I'll say, you know, what if someone cuts me off today? What if someone says something to me? What if someone tweets something negative? What if someone, I feel attacked by someone? How do I want to show up? And I train myself before adversity happens, because it's going to happen almost every day.

Right. And for other people, it could be other thing, but how about getting it with that thing? Whatever. What if my wife says this to me? How am I going to respond today? As opposed to constantly getting defensive, when I smile and give her a hug, the alpha mask, if I, you know, it's not the man who is like, can always puff his chest and always be the loudest.

So the ultimate alpha silverback gorilla, the most impressive one to me is the one that is so big in his energy, graceful and confident with his energy. That when a couple of other monkeys are screaming and fighting, he doesn't have to beat his chest and run up there and show how big he is. He can literally just, with his energy, move people away and diffuse the situation and bring peace and harmony back to the moment. Listen, we can be competitive. We can be like manly masculine, like aggressive in moments that are okay with that, but when it's hurting other human beings,

just to prove yourself that you're worthy or something, it's not helping you long-term. No, I can't tell you. I keep thinking of it as the emotionally unavailable umbrella, male umbrella. When people say to me all the time, like, why are there no good men? Why are there no good men?

And perhaps men are saying the same things about women? That's fine. What I like about your book, The Mask of Maxi Linde, is if you guys read this, then you're going to understand why doing the work is going to help you not just in your relationship, but in your job, in your relationship with your family. And if you've always thought, well, I didn't really get what you mean, what kind of work I needed, like, why? What's going to drive me there?

I think this is going to help you. And I love that you have advice for women here who deal with men. It can be a sister dealing with a brother. Like, it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, but then kind of support everything. Exactly. I think there's a great place for men to start. Whether you read the book or not, it is irrelevant to me. It's just a matter about how are you going to work on yourself so that you can heal. Exactly. How are you going to do that? After you don't listen to this, here's something you can do to show you that you're working on yourself.

Take out your phone and text someone in your life that inspires you that makes an impact in your life or that you appreciate and text them one to three sentences of why they mean something to you. Something specific about who they are. This specific, I like that. What they do. What they do. And specific about who they are. It's specific, I like that. What they do. You compliment your words. And send them a nice message.

It's like a way of expressing vulnerability through a text that maybe you don't acknowledge people enough. It's something small to get started. And then continue to have a conversation. Find someone. I always say, start by writing the things down that hurt you the most so that maybe you don't want to express it to someone. I think eventually we're writing the things down that hurt you the most so that maybe you don't want to express it to someone. I think eventually we're going to have to

talk it out and express through our words, but write down those things in your life that really upset you. And then ask yourself, why do these upset me? And here's the thing. If you want to be a powerful man, if you want to make the most money in the world, have the best job, get the hottest girl, whatever these things are. If you want these things, then you will... If you want them and you want to be happy in the film. Exactly. You will write these down and you will ask yourself a simple question, why do these things

have power over me? The ultimate human being does not allow for past things to own him, to control and consume his energy and his thoughts. He has power and control over being sexually abused. His parents fighting with him, whatever happened, the girlfriend dumping him. He doesn't allow the past to consume his mind and control him. I think Dr. Martin Luther King said something along these lines. I can't remember specifically what he said, but that he doesn't get angry when people

were attacking him or saying racial things about him because he's like, I'm never going to allow that man to have power over me. Yeah, exactly. It is a choice at every moment. That's it. You'll learn how to grow into being loving graceful and live in harmony. It's true. Like you're doing right now. Great example. I'm trying every day. I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying.

And try. But we're never done with this. But I think it's a book that my can easily, I don't know if they digest get into it. Like I said, everyone needs to do their work. So, and I think this is the way to do it. Thank you. I like it. I've got five questions for you.

Bring it. These are the quicky questions. Your biggest turn on. When a woman sees my dreams and fully supports it, it makes me so turn on. I got it. It turns you out. When I'm supportive. Being seen and fully supports it. It makes me so dumbed on. I thought, you got it. It turned you out. When I'm supportive.

Being seen and supported. Okay, biggest turn off. When they get jealous or insecure when I'm going after my dreams. Oh, okay. Because I'm like, you don't get me. Yeah. The craziest place you've gotten busy.

Unique place? I don't know. Back of cars, bathroom and a club, I'm time. Got it. Not that crazy. Okay, sexy is part of your partner's body, or anyone's body that you know. Well, woman's body.

My partner's pretty sexy. Just much of your bends over, I don't know if she's going to get up. Oh man. Awesome. What's the one thing that you wish you could tell your current or all future partners about your body's needs? When she connects to my eyes, everything opens up. Hmm, so true. Wendered to the soul and a lot of other things. I mean, listen my eyes, everything opens up. So true. Went under the soul and a lot of other things.

I mean, listen, I like when anyone goes out of me, but you know. Who doesn't like a little blowjob now and then a little blowjob? Okay, God, that was very good. So thank you, Lewis, that I was having here. This is so fun. We've spent a long time in the making.

It was very powerful for me, so thank you for letting me share. It was really great. I'm really happy for you. I'd love happy for you. I'd love to see you growing into this man that you are, and sitting in great example. Always looking to improve on my flaws. True.

Your journey is going to be, is going to continue to be enlightening and inspiring for so many men and women. Lewis House, check out his at Lewis House. Everyone's going to post the board. And this will all be on the podcast on the website and all that. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemlee.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-8255739.

A go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you