Sex With Emily - Best Of: Solo Sex Secrets

Episode Date: July 14, 2023

Solo sex (aka masturbation) is legitimate self-care. Better sleep, less stress, glowing skin, heightened immunity – and let’s not forget orgasms (not that I think you would). So on today’s Best Of episode, I’m talking all things solo sex and how to make it work for you. Feel embarrassed or ashamed about it? Or do you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing? I help you create a solo sex routine that matches your lifestyle and get you in the right (sexy) headspace for it. I also take your solo sex questions, including: when your partner asks you to masturbate in front of them, but you feel shy – how do you pull it off? And should you?Show Notes:How to Heat Up Your Temperature PlayVIIA Hemp Co’s High Love Libido Gummies (code EMILY for 15% sitewide + Free CBD Sleep Gummies Sample)ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSex With Emily: HomeMore Sex With Emily: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTokPromescent.com/Emily (use this link to automatically save 15% at checkout)Morgasm CBD Arousal Lubricant (code EMILY for 15% OFF sitewide) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Remember we're all responsible for our own orgasm. We're responsible for our own pleasures, we're responsible for asking what we want. I know it's a lot, but it's so worth it. And that's why becoming your best, our sexual partner, like become your own best lover. Because when you become a master at your own body, imagine how much better you'll be at not only being a great lover to others, but communicating your needs, and just having a much more explosive sex life when you take this time and put it in the work.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. This best of episode is all about one of my favorite self-care practices, self pleasure. Stay tuned for all my favorite masturbation tips and of course lots of solo sex questions. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, How to Heat Up Your Temperature Play, is up on sexthemely.com. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

We got a ton of sex questions today about solo sex, aka masturbation, and I'm excited to get into all of these. But before we dive in, I want to give you three top level tips to keep in mind so that you too can create a solo sex routine that you love. First, normalize solo sex. Here's what I mean by that. You know how growing up when we first started to hear up masturbation, it frequently had an air of shame or embarrassment about it. And if we saw it in a TV show or movie, it was super cringey. Usually for penis owners, with vulva owners, we simply did not see examples.

I didn't even know that vulva owners can masturbate until someone brought up to me in college. I was like, really? We can? All I've ever seen are penises masturbating all over the place. Yes, it's an equal opportunity sport everyone. I promise. So listen, if you're interested in making your solo sex better, I want you to see out examples of people doing it in an intentional, fulfilling way. Search for it on ethical porn sites. Follow sex positive accounts. Follow us on Instagram. Are you not following us on Instagram?

It sucks with Emily. What shows like sex education which show people of all ages in every gender utilizing solo sex for self-care? That's gonna do a lot to help heal any of that lingering shame which most of us have and help remove any mental blocks. Second, and this is important, find your why.

Why do you want good solo sex? Well, let me give you a few reasons. It helps you sleep better. It reduces stress. It increases your immunity. It tones your pelvic floor muscles. That's for every gender. Hello, we all pelvic floor muscles. That's for every gender. Hello. We all pelvic floor muscles

It leads to stronger orgasms. Oh, and it helps you figure out the pressure and the type of touch you like So you can explain to someone during partner sex and the next time someone asks you Does that feel good or what do you want you actually have an answer? For years I didn't have that answer. I had partners say to me, does that feel good? And I'm like, yeah, like what else do you want? I'd say everything that you're doing feels great. And it wasn't because it necessarily did. I just didn't have the answers. I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know that it was okay to say it. I thought it was a trick question because I did not know about masturbation and exploration. Okay, finally, start thinking about a solo sex routine. To get into the right

headspace for it, you might not be able to just fall into bed and go for it, but you can't seduce yourself. Try a warm bath, candles, music. You can enramp your rouse with porn or self-massage or how about your environment. Do you need to find a time when you can be ramp your rouse with porn or self-massage or how about your environment. Do you need to find a time when you can be alone to let loose with your voice and your body like when your kids are away or your roommates aren't home? These are the kind of things I want you to consider, just like you would a workout routine. It's all about setting yourself up for success so you can make your solo sex as pleasurable and as powerful

as possible. Alright, we're going to take a quick break before I dive into all of your solo sex questions, but first, I want to tell you about one of my favorite ways to spice up my solo sex practice, cannabis. Specifically, I've been loving via hep companies high love THC libido gummies, truly they're one of my favorites, because as I always say, sex begets sex. And the more you masturbate or have partnered sex, the more you'll crave it.

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find yourself more in the mood for sex. It definitely heightens all the sensations. That's what I notice, and I can't wait to hear what you think of it. Via Hemp Company can ship their products directly to your door in all 50 states, as long as your order is compliant with local laws. Yes, they do have Delta 8, Delta 9, and other THC-free products. So spice up your love life with Via Hemp Company's High Love THC libido gummies. Just visit ViaHemp.com and use code Emily to get 15% off your order. And they'll also throw in a free sample of their award-winning CBD sleep gummies. That's viiaheemp.com or click the link in our show notes and use code Emily at checkout

to save 15%. All right everyone, stay present because we'll be right back. This is from Anna 25 in Europe. Hello Dr. Emily, first of all, thank you for being so dedicated to this career of yours. I love hearing the passion and life inside your voice. I'm writing to you about something I just can't wrap my hat around. My boyfriend's 31 and I 25. We've been together for five amazing, adventurous years full of sex.

Like literally we are masters now of anal, role play, kinks, etc. Okay, so main event. I go to the bathroom, I brush my teeth, and then I come back to have our nightly sex. I jump on the bed naked, then I see his phone full of sex scenes for porn, women masturbating, etc. I ask what this is all about. Does he need it for his erection? Then he spurts something out like, I do it every time you're in the bathroom, so I'm rock hard. Obviously, I felt a little taken aback. Did he used to watch porn before intercourse or otherwise what?

I don't know, would he or wouldn't he be turned on by just me? I believe in masturbation and porn, all healthy habits. The only thing that concerns me is the way he uses it. In an instant, almost like a viagrapal just before sex. Am I not turning them on enough? I tried to talk to him about it, but he's not answering, not participating in conversation. When I go up to him and ask, he's just putting his palms around his ears so he acts as if he doesn't hear where I say, do you need advice perhaps? Thank you so, so much, Dr. Emily. Thank you so much for your question Anna, and I feel like I'm there with you.

I literally felt like I am in the bathroom and I am brushing my teeth and I came out and my partner is watching porn. I'm like, what? And then you try to talk to me and say, la, la, la, I can't hear you. Oh, it's also painful. But let's unpack this and let's change the scenario. First, what's happening here is that your boyfriend has built a habit. Not on purpose, but over time, he's realized that when I look at porn,

I don't have to worry about failing as a man and not having an erection, which will suck. So my back up here, like having a spare tire in your car or having extra cash on hand, he's going to always have porn on the ready so he doesn't have to show up with a less than rock hard penis. And that's fearful. You know when men's penises are not functioning the way they wanted to, they feel emasculated. They feel like they can't quite function in the same way. It just kills their ego. And that's just not fun for men. So they really will try to do whatever they can to avoid it. So what he has done is he's attacked very, very deeply to a habit that, come on, you guys, habits are hard to break. We know that. There's so much media and

coaching and information around break habits. So this is one that you're going to have to ring from his fingers. You have to ring from his tight grip. But we can do this. I want you to make this a little bit fun. Okay. And this is something you've got to take outside the bedroom. This is like a conversation you're going to have Anna when you're on a date, you're hanging out, maybe you're going for a walk, and just say, you know what babe? Let's talk about our sex life. And you can even start with my favorite,

the compliment sandwich. How the compliment sandwich works is you start with saying that you love about your sex life, it turned you on. You could say, I love that we are having sex so frequently, and it's incredible sex, I'm so turned on, and here's all the things I like. You name one thing specifically, love the way you go down to me. Love the way it feels when you first go inside of me. It's that feeling of your penis feels amazing. And then

here's the middle part. Okay. And when I come out of the bathroom every night and you're watching porn, I understand I have no issues with porn, but it really makes me feel like perhaps I'm not turning you on. And I know that's not true. And I know I turn you on. You know, I hear what you're saying, but I don't need you to be back hard. And in fact, what would really turn me on is to watch you get hard, is to be there in the process, to be part of that turn on.

Because then we can turn each other on. Would you be down for maybe waiting until I'm out of the bathroom, and so we could kind of begin it together. Maybe I could address you and you and dress me. Maybe we could start to, you know, even watch porn together. Find something that turns both of you on. Like, you can even tell me, I have no problem with porn, but I would like to be something that we engage in. When I'm here, you say it feels very separate. It feels like he's having a separate experience that is not related to you. And so I hope what this has made you realize here.

Anna is the mentality around a lot of men. Is it like, I got to be hard and I got to guarantee it and I got to make sure I'm always going in this direction. But if you let him know that you wanted it to be part of it and you want to be part of the turn-ons and you want this department experience that you share together without shaming or telling it's wrong. But remember, when you try to talk to him about it he thinks that you're gonna shame him and you're gonna say stop watching porn

or why are you watching porn or it makes me feel bad and he doesn't want to hear that especially when he already has a direction this is why I take these conversations outside the bedroom you do not want to have any conversations when you're a rouse because remember when you are a roused and turned on you're in a completely different state Your mind isn't even in a place where it can remember constructive feedback So that's why it has to happen outside of the bedroom I think if he hears it in this way, but you're gently and

Truthfully and authentically saying I want to know that it's not you need something else to get turned on So let's together figure this out. Would you be into that? And then you get to listen because I don't think that any partner wants to make you feel bad. And if you come from a place of it makes me feel less than it makes you feel like I don't turn you on. I mean, how can someone argue with your feelings? Loving, generous, beautiful partners do not. They hear that you're feeling something and they want to wreck the situation so you can feel better, not worse.

And have some fun with this. And then the end of that sandwich is, because I really think that our sex life could go to the next level and we could continue to be a rouse and turn on for years to come if we could just start to connect more and feel more deeply connected before, during and after sex. So you start off with what you love, you give the criticism or you give the constructive

feedback and then you end with why you want that thing to happen and how it's going to change the trajectory of your sex life. And I just want to say that remember this, that the sex conversations that we have with our partners, they're not a one time conversation. I mean, have you ever changed your behavior because someone asked you to do something once? Have you ever said, oh yeah, great, I'll stop. I'll stop masturbating porn.

Or yeah, I'll stop smoking cigarettes. I'll stop eating before bed. I'll stop biting my nails, because you asked me to stop. No, it takes repeated ongoing conversations and commitment. I want you to realize that he might be taking it back. He might say, oh, you just never liked my porn watching. You know that I'm feeling that you're so hot, you know?

He might deflect. He might get angry. He might fight all these ways to avoid it. But we have to give him a little bit leeway here. And then you bring it up again. You don't let it go because I can't tell you all the people that have emailed me and said, yeah, I told my partner that I wanted him to initiate sex more. I'm like, really?

When? Oh, it was like three years ago. I told them once we were out drinking. That I really need to initiate sex more. I didn't do it. Well, of course he didn't. A probably doesn't remember. B probably doesn't know what I really need to initiate sex more and do it. Well, of course he didn't. He probably doesn't remember. Be, he probably doesn't know what it looks like to initiate. There's a reason why he's not initiating and no one's ever gonna change from one time conversation. So Anna, make this more like inquisitive. Make this a great time to start to communicate it and ask him more of what he wants.

Get curious about his own turn-ons. Maybe you'll learn a lot more about each other. Maybe this is something that you know He will share with you that he has a fear around not being hard enough. He'll share with you maybe a girlfriend in the past who shaved him because he wasn't hard enough. I mean, there's a million reasons why we hold on to behaviors that are unhealthy. There's a million reasons why we do things that numb us, the things that we do that make our lives seemingly more efficient, but really they make it a lot harder. So we get addicted to things like alcohol and drugs and food and porn. It's because we really don't want to look at the underlying issues. We don't want to look at why we have to drink so much or why we have to watch so much

porn. That shit's painful and it can take lifetimes of therapy to impact. But you guys have been together for five years right now and I would just love to see you start having some healthier conversations around your sex life. And I think that you'll realize that once you start having these conversations and it might take a few times to get it going, okay? So be patient.

But once you do, the couples who engage into healthy sex conversations have better sex, they start to look forward to these conversations. It actually becomes part of their foreplay. If it becomes part of their turn-ons and they can't imagine ever, ever, ever going back to a time where they didn't talk about their sex lives. So I want to put you as a couple in that category, Anna.

So remember, if you start to get angry or you start to protest, you could say, okay, well, maybe we're done talking about this for tonight. Let's talk about it again next week. And then you can move on to something else. So don't expect them to say, you're right, babe, I'm gonna stop using my phone for sex, you know? Might not happen. So I'm just wanna prepare you for all scenarios here, Anna.

So this is not as easy as I make it sound. I'm not gonna understand that. Thanks a lot, Anna, keep me posted. This is from Jeff, 57 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, my girlfriend seems to only be able to climb XVI up, Clitoral stimulation. She's even having trouble that way. I want to help her and give her the best she's ever had.

Is there a good toy I can use? I'm doing some studying on my own to develop skills to help me as well. All right Jeff, great question, but let's back up here. Can we just for a moment reframe only orgasm through clearal stimulation? What if it's okay that she can only orgasm that way? There's not like a right way to orgasm that if she has a different kind of orgasm, it would be better.

I just wanna normalize that for everybody who's going, yeah, that's the only way I can orgasm as well. Jeff, I love your enthusiasm to please your girlfriend, but I'm curious, what does she want? Does she want the best she ever had? You know, what's important to her? And does she have knowledge about why she's not able to orgasm literally in the same way as she was in the past? Definitely, skills will help. But when I like to think about oral skills, it really has to do with paying attention, or all skills, it really has to do with paying attention, going slow, having her show you what she likes.

I think it's important to think about your sexual relationship in this way. I'd love you both to be more open-minded and clear unless with a goal. It has to get better and I have to learn these new skills. The best sex is going to come when you open up together because when there's one person who's desperately trying to save the sex and the relationship and the other person who's receiving or isn't as into it or doesn't even think that there's anything that needs to change, that's when we get into problems. But think of it this way, you're both in it together. You both want to have the most incredible sex.

She's excited to learn and you're excited to learn. And then you both are on the same page and It'll be a lot easier maybe for her to relax into her orgasm because maybe that's what happens I don't know how long you guys have been together. Have you even talked about your sex life? Do you know what her sex goals are what are your sex goals? And if you really want to understand what feels good to her You could try some mutual masturbation. Hey, this is a masturbation show. So I'm just gonna jump right in and say,

mutual masturbation is a super hot move for a lot of couples. It's kind of a toofer. Think about it this way. First of all, it's really hot to what your partner masturbate, am I right? But also, you're learning, it's educational. You can see what turns them on. And like if you're with someone like,

oh, I didn't know that she Lightly moves her finger in circles over her clitoris or that she likes a finger inside I mean, this is how you know what can please her. I would recommend some clear communication with her outside the bedroom about your sex life and asking her what what she wants right now in the state of the game. And finally, you asked about toys. Toys are always wonderful. Again, they differ for every single body. What would feel good? I'm really into toys. It could be multi-use right now and be used for different partners, no matter what your body part, whether you have a penis or a vulva,

maybe go shopping together for some toys. That can be really fun. So Jeff, I love your enthusiasm and let me know how it goes. Thanks for your question. This is from Claire 33 in Australia. Hey Dr. Emily, I love your show and advice. I'm going to stage my life where I do not have a formal relationship. I'm not seeking monogamy in several casual partners. I'm down to try a lot of things. One partner is asking a master rate in front of him, and although it's not that different from mutual masturbation, which I've done in a past relationship, I feel weirdly self-conscious about it. With that same person, we are currently discussing

potential threesomes and attending a sex party together, but masturbating in front of him seems more difficult. Any advice to get out of my head and some practical advice would be great. Thank you. All right, thank you so much for your question, Claire. What it sounds to me is that you're kind of gruffing with what it feels like to be in a casual relationship versus a committed relationship.

I mean, think about it. When you're committed to someone, like in your past relationships, perhaps it was easier to feel free and to participate in mutual masturbation because you felt safe. And when you're in a more casual relationship, you don't have that same level of trust. I'm curious, what does masturbating solo in front of him feel like? Do you feel like you're going to be judged that you can't really let go in front of someone you're not committed to. It could also be that in these other situation sex parties and mutual masturbation, your partner is also engaging. Like your partner is gonna be busy with another partner or

you're gonna be a sex party. There's a lot of stimulation and there's a lot of distraction. What I'm hearing you say is that he's asking you to masturbate while he watches and there could be something about all eyes on you that's making you feel more self-conscious. Do you ever experience social anxiety? How do you feel about speaking in large groups? Let me know if that resonates with you. I had a friend once when she was getting married and she was just so terrified of walking down the aisle. Like in every area of her life, she's like, open and just got left her friends

and she's very social, but she's like, something about walking down the aisle and having all the eyes on her just made her so uncomfortable that she ended up not walking down the aisle, actually. And doing it in a very different way where she made it her own and it worked. It was a beautiful ceremony and, you know,

till this day, she feels amazing about it. So there might be something else here, like a workaround or communication thing that you can talk to about because it sounds like with this partner you feel really good about going with sex party and being open and being with other people so I would just look at what it is about This particular scenario that makes you feel uncomfortable. And also, even if it's a casual partner, I'm all for being vulnerable and being really honest and open and saying, you know what,

this one thing, I can't figure it out either, it makes me uncomfortable. Can we try it in baby steps? Maybe you can masturbate in front of him, but like leave your clothes on, you know, at first, because that's also hot. I mean, can we be honest? Just slowly taking your clothes off or touching yourself

like over your underwear while you have pants on or skirt on could be just super hot next level. I also want to say one more thing here, Claire, is that you don't have to do everything that you're part in a request in a relationship. There's also the option here where you'd ever do it. You're just like, you know what? I'm not really into masturbating by myself,

but mutual masturbation, I am down. And then the two of you doing some mutual masturbation and that's a good time as well, which you already know. And then maybe in the future, when you start to get more comfortable with him, you might decide that, yeah, you know what? I'm ready to go solo. So remember to honor what you need in the bedroom as well. It's just as important. Okay, Claire, let me know how it goes. This is from Ashley 27 in Southern California. Hello, Dr. Emily.

I'm recently married and so in love with my husband. However, I've never orgasmed with anyone and no other first step to get there is to explore my own body. I've dealt with sexual abuse from a previous partner and felt you as when I realized previous partners only wanted me for sex. So I don't feel comfortable exploring down there because it just feels gross and I don't want to touch myself. It's not fair to my wonderful husband who shows me real and honest love. Is there any advice

how I can love myself enough slash more to feel more comfortable with exploring myself so I can improve my sex life with my husband? Thank you Ashley. Thank you so much for your email. There's a lot to unpack here and I'm so glad you wrote in and were so specific here because it's going to help. I'm definitely going to be able to help you and I know that your question is going to resonate with so many of our listeners. All right, so let's talk about the fact that you feel like you've never orgasmed with a partner

and I'm going to assume that maybe you've been orgasmed with yourself and I think that with everything that you're working on right now of trying to have more self love and self acceptance and really you're asking the question about how do I explore more is to take time for yourself. I mean, one way that we can like show self love and demonstrate self love to ourselves and for ourselves is to actually set time aside where your only job, your only responsibility is to explore. So I have to explore your body.

What actually feels good to you, take a mirror, look between your legs and see what's going on. You're going to be amazed if you look at how your body works and how it gets turned on and how it responds to different kinds of touch. Having a night where you're taking a bath, using different oils, and just knowing that this is the time like knowing can come into the room. You could lock the door, leave your phone outside the room and just make it about feeling you and what feels good, what turns you on. Do you experience from being

in past relationships or with your partner where you kind of think about oh I kind of like that touch but let me take it to this other place. Now that's how we learn. We learn by exploring, we learn by doing to ourselves. At least I do. I'm a kid aesthetic learner and people can tell me things all day long, but I've got to get into it. And I'm feeling that this is going to be a really great first step for you as well. Ashley is, get to know your own body, especially if you've had sexual abuse from a previous partner. I want you to reclaim your body right now. I want you to take it back from that experience that was toxic and not helpful and didn't make you feel good and learn to move through it now in a way that you are in charge of your

own pleasure. You're responsible for what feels good to you. And then you can start to associate your body and your pleasure back to your hands and your touch. And once you take those steps, it's going to be a lot easier to welcome in your husband and show them what you've learned. I mean, it sounds like you're so in love with your husband and you're in a new relationship and when I can tell from really healthy relationships, great partners are so excited to learn about

our bodies and they're excited for us to learn about their bodies and this way we get to all learn together. You know a lot of us have experienced sexual trauma. It's way more common than we think and we think that sexual trauma is just like oh and I've had trauma but help me Dr. Emily it's like we really have to deal with trauma that we've had in the past. Unfortunately, with time passing, it doesn't go away. Just the impact of not facing it gets louder and louder and louder. And it makes it a lot harder to be in healthy sexual relationships. So really, I can't recommend enough going into therapy, specifically trauma therapy, that deals with really going

back to that time and releasing trauma, something like, I talk a lot about EMDR therapy, EMDR, you can find out more at mdrea.org. And that's a great resource to find people near you that work with you. The reason why I love this kind of trauma therapy is because it actually rewires your brain. It rewires the neuropathies in your brain that are rooted in trauma. So you'll find that this is the kind of therapy that moves to trauma a lot quicker. Then you're able to come back after just a few months and not have the same charge around sex or whatever issues were triggering trigger you in the past.

Now, let's get on to exploring. What feels gross to you to use your words? Is it actually touching yourself or does it feel wrong? Are there judgments in your head? Do you feel like you should look differently or it should feel different? Have you ever taken a mirror and looked between your legs, looked at your vulva straight up and see what it looks like?

And really how beautiful it is. I mean, you'd think about it. They're like snowflakes. Like, everyone's different. And they sort of blossom. You know, do you ever think like the paintings of like George O. Keef paintings when like the flowers are blooming? I mean, that's what it looks like. I love Ashley that you're saying that you want to advice you,

and you can love yourself more. We all could work out loving ourselves more. Am I right? And so I think that learning to actually like your body, I mean, I think love is a stretch to like, go in and I love my body and you know, self love. How it's self, how about body neutrality? At least start from a neutral place, which could be a great way to just like I said when you put a mirror and you start looking That could be so helpful for you, but self love what's really helped me just with self love all around is Honestly journaling meditating having daily affirmations where you come up with your own affirmations that really just replace a lot of the negative throwing because the opposite of self love is really self hate, self-dustain, self-criticism, judgment, negative self-talk,

which I have plenty of it, okay? It is a lifelong process, but what happens is when you counter it with more positive statements, with more loving statements, with I am a loving, beautiful, strong woman who's deserving of pleasure in all parts of my life and my body, mind, and soul, I deserve to feel loved and be loved, especially by myself on a daily basis. I speak words that are positive, nurturing, self-loving with the growth mindset always. I mean, in my notes on my phone, I have an affirmations page that what I'm meditating in the morning, I'll just read them. I'll read them myself, I'll look in the mirror, I say them in the shower. And if you think about the rewiring, if your brain is

often filled with like a lot of negative self-talk or just negative beliefs or limiting beliefs about or something bad is going to happen in the future or something bad, I did something bad in the past. You're programming your brain with those thoughts. So if you counter it and you fill it up with all the positive things that you can think of, gratitude and what you're specifically grateful, not just like I'm grateful grateful for my life, but like, I am grateful that my body is working and I get to experience so much pleasure. Or I love my vulva. I appreciate my orgasms. I am deserving of orgasms and pleasure

with my husband and with my life. And I realize that once I played with gratitude and affirmations, I was able to really come to a place where self love and self acceptance was a lot louder than any of the negativity that had been plaguing me in the past. I even love you for asking this because you are loved and you're going to get there yourself Ashley. Just remember, even if it's a daily practice of like three minutes a day, because when people used to say you got to do 20 minutes a morning, 20 minutes a night, and then

five hours on the weekend, I'm like, I don't have time. But then you realize you start to crave it over time. So I would start with some positive affirmations and learning to know your body and maybe a little bit therapy around the trauma. You're going to be well on your way actually to a lot more self-love, self-expression, and positive self-exploration. We're gonna take a quick break, and when we're back, I'm answering more of your solo sex questions. This is from Mike 42 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been married for over 20 years to the love of my life.

She's incredible in every way. She's the only woman I've ever been with. And after both of us work through so much shame from purity culture, when we have sex, it's completely incredible. I can't even imagine it getting better. So here's my dilemma. I've always had a very high sex drive. I can be mostly content with two to three times a week.

Every other day, great. If I could have what I wanted, it would be least every day. After kids, careers and all that, we may only have sex every week or two. A big part of pleasure for me is our connection and giving her pleasure. Hey, I love receiving two and she's very generous. I guess because of that, masturbation really doesn't do much for me. I can make myself feel good in orgasm, but it isn't satisfying and it can even make me feel worse. I feel lonely and depressed. Is there a way to

change this part of me or how I feel? All right, Mike. Well, thank you for sharing this and I love that you've married for over 20 years of the love of your life. It gives me so much joy and hope. And also, I want to congratulate you for moving through the shame from purity culture. That is just not easy to do when you grow up in an environment that is all about repressing desire, shaming you for feeling sexual, for being sexual and for masturbating. So it sounds like this masturbation thing, Mike, might be the last vestige. That's the last thing that we haven't quite. That's purity culture still has its grip on. So the fact that solo

sex makes you feel shameful and lonely and depressed sounds like someone that could be lingering. And so what I want to tell you is from a lot of our listeners that are working on or have worked through shame from religion or you know purity culture or just anywhere where they felt that it was wrong to be sexual, is doing some deeper work around the messaging, right? So I'm going to assume that there was a lot of messaging when you were young that said, it's not okay to be sexual. If you masturbate, you're going to go to hell. Masturbation is wrong and sex is only for procreation and you can only have sex to make babies. And those are messages that you heard that very, very young age. And just because you might leave the church or leave home or leave your family,

leave the places that were telling you these messages, doesn't mean they're not sticking with you. So I want you to unpack this. And I want you to maybe start journaling. Journaling is so helpful, putting pen to paper, and writing about, what do you believe around it? What do you believe are on masturbation? Why do you think it's healthy? Because if some of those old messages are coming up, remember you are a 40-tier-old man

and thriving in every area of your life, and you get to decide which messages are right for you. You get to decide at that message from the past no longer serve you. And you get to release those and replace them with the messages that do. I am a strong, healthy man, and I deserve pleasure. I deserve to get to know my body.

You know, remember that masturbation is healthy. Masturbation is actually good for us. There's a lot of benefits to masturbation. Lower our stress level, our cortisol levels. It allows us to feel more comfortable with our bodies. We can release stress in a healthy way. It can help with depression. It gives us a glow.

A skin glow, right? When we say, oh, you're glowing. Maybe you're masturbating. You had an orgasm. I mean, it can be recommended by doctors to have to masturbate to get over a lot of pain. In fact, orgasms are natural pain killers. So maybe you can replace it with the messages that are true about masturbation rather than ones that just are based in lies truly.

So I feel like that is what's making you feel lonely and depressed. And I know this from so many listeners and friends and that I know that it's said every time they masturbate, they feel guilt, they feel shame, even when they can't quite put a finger on why. So I want you to do the work here to kind of unpack that for yourself and release it. Because once you do that, you'll be able to have incredible sex with your partner and with yourself. And remember, it's all important. Thanks for your question, Mike. This is from Chelsea, 27 in California. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a 27 year old woman and I've never had an orgasm. My partner is amazing and he really wants me to orgasm. So I also want to make this possible for me and for us. I listened to your show and understand that bringing myself to orgasm through masturbation is an important step,

but I can't seem to do it. I've tried toys, loob, porn, etc. But I've not had any success. There was a time where I even scheduled a masturbation for myself. You already eased myself into it, but that didn't work either. I've never been naturally interested in master reading, I just never think of it. And even when I do, I don't really want to do it. It's a passing thought and then I'm on to other things. I also have a history of sexual

abuse and worried this would be getting in the way. I've been to therapy and seen a lot of progress over the past few years, especially with EMDR therapy. I used to struggle to even have sex with the partner, but now I'm much more comfortable and confident with sex. Do you have any advice for how to get myself motivated to masturbate? How can I know if I pass trauma is getting in the way? Thanks, I love your show. All right, Chelsea, well, your email really spoke to me

because first, I understand that. I used to never be motivated to masturbate. I had to be convinced of it and I was like, it's like another thing I'm about to do list and it felt kind of annoying. And I realized it's because I just wasn't really enjoying it. I never had orgasm either. And so I was in my early mid-20s and I just was like, what's the point? And you realize like, why would you be motivated to do something if you don't even can't even imagine what it's going to feel like? Like, you've never had orgasms so it seems like it's sort of a chore right

now. It seems like, why am I doing this? What's the end result? Are orgasms that great? And you've also been doing a lot of work on yourself. You know, I'm so happy that you've been to trauma therapy and you've been able to release a lot of it But I want to remind you one thing with trauma work is that Well, it may be intellectually and your brain feels differently around sex, which is fabulous. Our bodies hold on to trauma and anxiety and we have this cellular memory around trauma. So maybe when this trauma happened to you,

you were clenching and holding your pelvic floor. And perhaps that whole area just feels sort of shut down and tighter. It's almost like there's like stagnant energy there. Now, I don't want to go all woo and lose all y'all. But let me tell you this. We all have stagnant energy that gets stuck in our bodies and our chest like think of like the chakras and there that's just another way of saying that we have energy blocks in our throat and our heads in our third and fourth chakra which is mostly like where our I like to call it the power source,

but this is where our you know pelvic floor is And if you've had any trauma or shame, we're just gonna tighten. So there is some releasing that I'd love you to do in that area. And that can just come from doing some deep breath work and from learning to move your body. I don't know if you do any exercise practice or dance, a lot of that can be very, very healing

to release places where we are stuck. So let's get into the motivation. Finding out what turns you on. Like you specifically, you've tried toys, you've tried the lieu, you've tried the porn, but I want you to just kind of roll back to like the very, very beginning here. And think about what actually turns you on. If you've been in relationship or you had the, you know, a traumatic experience, you've had to spend a lot of time just surviving through sex and just getting through it,

like grinning and burying it. But when you can really think about what turns you on, because remember, you're not alone. Many people don't actually know what their sexual turn-ons are. I know that seems strange to you. You think, well, everyone's got to turn on. Every watch is porn. It is not true. So first, don't assume what turned you on. It's going to be the same thing that turns other people on. Nothing should turn you on. You don't have to like porn. You don't have to like dirty talk, you don't have to like anything.

It's going to be different for all of us. And our own personal eroticism is comprised of very specific things and sex that turn us on. And you can learn a lot more. I like to call it like your sexual DNA. Think of like one sexual memory that's really turned you on. It could be like a really hot make-out sash. It could be sex on the beach or hiking with a partner.

And they'd tell you your hand like what is turning you on? Because there's no rules to our turn-ons. You are in a safe space with yourself. You can journal about it and just remember that your eroticism is unique. Sort of like a fingerprint. You all have our own core erotic themes. So once you understand that, I want you to take some time and explore your body slowly and intentionally.

So spend time learning more about like the physical side of your body, of pleasure and arousal. How do you like to be stimulated? What parts of your body are responding to touch? And I'm not even saying focus on your genitals. That's the problem so many of us make is we're like,, I'm gonna masturbate, I'm gonna put this vibrator, my clitoris, I'm gonna put this vibrator, I'm a penis, I'm just gonna, ah, like go.

But no, like, that's warm yourself up. It's like, we're playing on yourself. Start to, you would only secondary rod and soons that if nothing do with like the ones that we all talk about. Like the ones that get all the attention, our penis, our vagina, our nipples. But what about your ears, the nape of your neck, the feet, your inside of your thighs,

like your inner elbow, these are all the rod and zones as well. So you can just lay back and get creative where you're going to touch yourself and focus. Do this alone and lay back, create a safe space and environment that makes you feel like I can't explore. I have a half hour right now. I'm going to lock the door. I'm going to take a bath. I'm just going to move my hands slowly across two parts of my body like, oh, wow, that feels really

good. The way my hand feels, I'm going to nape my neck or when I move down to my nipples and I start to touch it, like touch my nipples, that feels really good too. So you're really just gathering information so you know about your own turn-ons. And then think about the mental aspects of pleasure, like what intrigues you. Is there anything that you've seen in the porn you watched or in past memories or talking to friends or reading? Whether ever scenes, it could be one thing. It doesn't have to be a hundred things.

One scenario that turns you on. And then you kind of look at that. You know, think about that experience. You know, think about what is, about that experience that turns you on. Like your own erotic template is really comes to fruition when you think about what arouses you, what have you read or watch it turns you on,

why was it sexy to you? This is a great journal exercise. Like, why was it sexy? That's the key part. What was it in watching it? What part of it? Was it delayed? Was it like a unrequited love? Was it something that you hadn't expected? You know, I hear from a lot of you that tell me that the best sex is when it's unexpected or you didn't know what's gonna happen or what's outside of your house or vacation sex. I mean, let's be honest, like, to my favorite words, vacation sex,

because fucking hot. So, like, think about these things, go deep, you know? You could also read a rata-ka and see like, what is really turning me on? Like read through it and find it and say, huh, what is in here that is turning me on? What isn't turning me on? And just go with one thing. And then you can have to write out your own fantasies and become an expert of your own eroticism. So that is what I recommend to you. And once you do that,

coupled with finding ways to turn yourself on, finding ways to masturbate, it sounds like you know all the things. You're like, I've got the lube doctor. I mean, I've got the toys. I've got the, but it didn't work. So I think maybe the psychology of it, I mean, you've been in therapy for a while, so this shouldn't be probably any new concepts for you. And once you kind of make it your own Chelsea's pleasure 101, you get to be the teacher and student and I know you're going to get all the easier if you make more time for yourself and discovering your own pleasure. Okay, this is from Joseph. We don't have his age or

where he's from and you just reminded all of you. I love to know both of those things. It just helps me to know your age and where you're from. But let's talk to Joseph. Hey, Dr. Emily, I was wondering if you could please give me some help advice to improve my solo sexual performance. At the moment, when I have the urge to master rate, my orgasms aren't very exciting. And sometimes halfway through, I find it difficult to maintain excitement levels. How could I achieve better and longer lasting orgasms? Are there any specific ways or techniques I can try? All right, Joseph, I'd like to know more about what is happening in these moments.

Are there thoughts in your head? Is there a, this is wrong, it's never going to happen. You know, what am I doing here? This orgasm is going to be as dull as yesterday's orgasm. Because remember the louder our thoughts, the harder it is to get turned on. And when we're in our head, just think about it this way. The blood is rapidly leaving your genitals. Because it's spending all the time in our head, just think about it this way, the blood is rapidly leaving your genitals because it's spending all the time in your head.

So the more we can be in our body or embodied when we are having any kind of sex with our self or a partner, we'll be more likely to feel more roused and more turned on. So when you say longer lasting, when you're masturbating, are you getting there quicker than you'd like? In other words, are your orgasm coming a lot quicker and you're not really understanding why and you're like, I wasn't even ready to orgasm. Because if so, I cannot recommend edging enough to you. Edging is simply the practice of delaying orgasm and exploring your own body and finding what feels good to you. It doesn't have to be like, you know, so many of

us, like I said, we rush right for our genitals and we're not really even teasing or rising ourselves. We're like, I'm just going to have an orgasm and knock this out in order pizza. But if you want to start to experiment more and learn more about what actually turns you on, edging is a really cool practice where you can work with your breath. You can work for building up your orgasm and then you stop. So you think about a scale of 1 to 10. 10 is orgasm and 1 is like, you're not a rouse at all or you have a flaccid penis if you will. So if you masturbate until you're getting to about a 7, where you're really rouse or at

8, and you're about to orgasm, but then you take it down a notch. Maybe you take your hand off your penis and then you just sort of ferment it and you breathe and then you go back to it and then you start to build and build and build towards orgasm again and then you just sort of ferment it and you breathe and then you go back to it. And then you start to build and build and build towards orgasm again. And then you do it again. And then you don't let yourself ejacate and you take it back down. And this practice is first off when you finally do orgasm, it's so hot because you've delayed it. And you think about delayed gratification or delayed satisfaction for anything.

It always makes that thing so much more pleasurable. But also with edging, you're learning more about your own ejaculatory control. You're learning more about your own body, your own machinery, which give you notice that so many of us put in the hands of our partners. Like why don't they understand my body or what do they can they do for me? Can they give me my orgasm? Can they turn me on more when remember we're all responsible for our own orgasms. We're responsive around pleasures,

we're responsible for asking what we want. I know it's a lot but it's so worth it and that's why becoming your best sexual partner like become your own best lover because when you become a master at your own body imagine how much better you'll be at, not only being a great lover to others, but communicating your needs, and just having a much more explosive sex life when we take this time, put it in the work. And I say work, but this is fun people,

I'm getting you, I'm encouraging you to understand your body, have more orgasms, like this isn't like, doing your taxes, right? This isn't like, I'm asking you all to take like some dense business course or anything. I'm saying, you know, get an MBA in your own bodies. Get a master's in my masturbation. Thanks for your question, Joseph.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides

and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.