Sex With Emily - Best Of: Spring Cleaning Your Love Life

Episode Date: April 2, 2019

On today’s throwback show, Emily is talking about how to really get in the spring cleaning spirit – with your relationships and your sex life. She lists some signs that your relationship is getting rocky and whether or not it’s worth saving, what to do when jealousy seems to keep creeping into your head, and sex with your ex – because a lot of us do it. Plus, how to get your partner relaxed and turned on enough to squirt. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: GAINSWave, Magic Wand, Uberlube, SiriusXM, Fleshlight Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and tonight's show Spring Cleaning Your Relationship. How do know if it's time to break up? We'll be giving you some signs. Also, we'll be answering your emails. Topics include What to Do About a Jellis Partner. Should you have sex with your ex and everyone's favorite topic, Squirting? All that and more.

Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh, my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemity.com. We got a brand new website. We launched last month and we're all loving it. So thank you for visiting the site.

Every day we're posting new blog posts and videos and things that will help you have better sex and relationships, because that's what I'm all about. And I want to remind you that it's so easy to subscribe to the podcast. We love when you do that. I do two shows a week. And then you easily get the podcast.

It'll show up however you listen on your podcast app. And there they are. And it helps us too when you do that. I do two shows a week and then you easily get the podcast. It'll show up however you listen and your podcast app and there they are and it helps us too when you subscribe because we love you and thanks everyone for listening and for being here and I'm here with Anderson. It's my darling Anderson. It's been a while. It's been a long time, man. I know. I did a little vacation. What are you doing? Why are you out there cheating? I know. I'm sorry. I'm not really cheating But I was with my mom on vacation. Is that fun? You know what I got to say it was I have an edification since the early 2000s and It was really nice just to get away with my mom and to you know I let my mom super chill so she's not like like all over my show. She's in here. I like yeah You guys check out the show with my my mom that was a really popular show

Did you step dad go to no girls we can go we go to Cabo and it was fun I really just need to relax my mom has way more energy than I do and she's like let's go sighting Look, I'm like nope. I'm just sitting by the pool. I would guess that it was the other way around I know you you am Exactly my mom being going can I just please relax by the pool honey? And you're like, no, we have to go see this, we have to do that, we have to do that, we have to do that. I heard there's a sex lecture,

I said, I used to be like that. And I have to say that since I have an identification in so long, I really needed the distance and the perspective to just step back and reflect and do nothing. I'm like, no, I'm not going shopping, not doing this and she was cool. And then she chilled out, which was good for her. And I had a lot of break-throughs.

That takes experience. It's hard to do a good vacation, because most of the time, if I go on vacation, then I come back exhausted. And you don't wanna do that. You wanna have a nice, you wanna experience new stuff and see new stuff for sure, but you gotta find a balance.

And you gotta come back, relax. I get most every single vacation I go on, I come back, and I'm like, yeah, work, I'm so tired, though, from running around on my vacation. Yes, I did not run around, and I was there. I was healthy, I meditated every on, I come back and I'm like, at work, I'm so tired though, from running around on my vacation. Yeah, see, I did not run around and I was there. I was healthy, I meditate every day, I ran, I, you know, to care myself.

So happy, dear. I'm a heavy, what can I say? And so that was fun. And then also I just wanna mention that we've had some really good show, you guys first of all, our show was, God, number six and I tuned, which is amazing. But there's been some really popular shows.

We just posted out the five bedroom mistakes you might be making. You might love that episode. And then what women really want in bed with the Lady Gangs so check out that podcast. That was fun too. And spring is spring. Spring is sprung.

Spring. Do you have what happens in the spring, Anderson? Yeah, flowers bloom and like little birdies hatch. And then bears come out of retirement or hibernation. Exactly. Yeah. That's what happens. And it's a time for renewal, rebirth. Right. Cleaning out your closet. Did you do that kind of thing? No. Okay. I was the old and with the news. You know why I am.

I live in California and it's always like spring. Slash summer out here. That's true. I don't really notice that seasons pass or come. No, it's it is true. My mom's a mission. She says, I'm so excited. When I get home, I go by when or close in the basement. I can bring out my house. Yeah, you know, I have to do things like I have a number of calendars around my house so that something changes.

You know, saying you know, it's true. Every time a new season officially comes on board, you know what I do? I got a new caller for Stan. He has four. He has four. I was going to ask you. Separate callers.

He's got a spring. This is ridiculous, but sure his spring caller. He's got a new collar for Stan. He has four. He has four. I was gonna ask you. Separate collars. He's got a spring. This is ridiculous, but sure, his spring collar. He's got a winter collar. He's got a fall end. And what's the other one? I almost bought him a collar in Mexico, but I didn't know if you'd be down with it. Yeah, he already has a pull.

Well, I didn't like it. Black is for winter. I'm glad I didn't. Green is for spring. I will be offended if he didn't wear it. Right, it's for fun. The only is the dog. Check out my Instagram if you want to see pictures

or my Facebook. Yes. Yeah. You know what's funny though? Every time I get it, so when you call Lyft, do you like Uber? Yeah, it's a little pink mustache. Right.

When you call Lyft for a ride, do you know that you're, it's connected to your Facebook? Right. And the picture they see that pops up, I get in their car and it's, and you know my Facebook profile is me and Stanley. Oh, it is, I didn't know that. Yeah, so it's really funny because I'm always like, oh there's like, oh you have a cute

dog, so every time I get a lift, I'm like, what kind of dog is that? And I'm like, it's not really my dog. Oh, you could of life. I like that. So I have a feeling I know where you're going. You're talking to them, maybe cleaning out the bad relationship in your life. Exactly, we get rid of positions, possessions, and maybe the people who don't aren't really serving you that well. Like, you possession, possessions, and maybe the people who aren't really serving

you that well. Like, or really? Yeah, they're not giving you oral sacs. That's one of the points. It's time to freshen everything up. Okay? That's what we're doing here in spring. And there's actually this book that's been crazy bestseller.

It's this Japanese book about decluttering. It's about, it's a Japanese organization book. And it's, I can't have any of it. No, no, no, no, no, it's a Japanese organization book and it's No, it's better than that because I ironically most people who bought that book it's probably part of the clutter now no Here's actually clutter. What you don't know about me. That's true irony right there. Can I tell you what what? Can I tell you I'm looking it up? Yeah, you have a hard time doing two things the one so I'll Okay, it's called it's Marie Kondo wrote a book about Jack. It's a lot of the life changing magic of tidying up. Sounds silly.

There's a million books in organizing, but this book. So I'm obsessed with organizing. I don't think you know this about me because I'm actually not organized. Have you noticed? Yes, I noticed this. But I have this dream. Like I'll like when I want to relax and chill out or I feel like I need to like,

de-stress, I like stand and target. And I'm like, oh, if I could just buy that, those organizers for my files, then everything will be okay. But then you just walk right by the aisle. No, I buy tons of organizers. And then they become clutter. Clutter. Yeah, you should buy it.

You should see the irony. Dude, there's so much irony in my life. But anyway, this is their trick in the book, which is why it actually works because I got, I actually read the book. And her thing is she wants you to separate everything into piles, like these are my t-shirts, these are all my clothes, these are all my books,

and then you have to hold everything in your hand for a second and say, does this bring me joy? And if it doesn't, you toss it. What if it brings you joy right in that moment because you forgot you even had it? No. Because I have this issue, my life's always on my back. You know, we all rationalize and stuff, but toss it. What if it brings you joy right in that moment because you forgot you even had it? No. Because I have this issue, my life's always on my back. No, we all rationalize and stuff.

But if you really think about it, you're like, oh, what's kind of broken? Or like my dad gave it to me as a gift, so I gotta say that, but you know what? You gotta think that you've got to think if it's you as a gift at that moment to make you happy, they don't care if you hang on to the T-shirt from Florida, you know? Yeah, I got like a guilt thing going on.

Like my mom used to pack my lunch when I was in grade school and I didn't like the American cheese, but I'd eat it because I picture her putting it on my sandwich and I'd feel bad that you want through the effort. You know what I mean? So I'd eat it anyway. Yeah, kind of thing. So it's getting rid of stuff.

So you know, we all go through phases and relationships and couples experience like up and down, up and down. But there is a point in a relationship where you have to ask yourself some questions. And if you've been kind of thinking, I'm not sure if this is working for me, we've been fighting for a while. I'm not sure this is the person. I'm gonna give you some things to think about.

We're gonna walk this through here. I was talking about this book to my friend, and she was saying that, you know, and I've read a lot of these different things. And they're like, you know, if you wanna find a partner, you have to make a room like if you're single, which you are not single, but make room in your home,

so you can welcome that person in, have two night stands with two lamps and make sure there's space and you're and I thought about it and so I live in a very tiny cottage and one of the problems with my bedroom is that you actually can't Why I have no closet so it's all hanging right you can't actually get to the other side of the bed and my axe Hey, bro, I got three months ago. He was like I can't I can't it was so hard for him to get into my room When you're doing like saving there not because of that Well, you like my house, but it was like that and I'm like oh my god. I was not welcoming you into my home And you might be going that consciously, too, maybe I was like I don't want you my bed But anyway, that's just a whole nother story, but here's some signs that it might be time

To let go. Say no. And again, you guys, let me just say something. This is not a Cosmo survey. It's a Cosmo pilot. You're not gonna like, check, check, check, check, break up, like I have no formula here, but these are just, I want you to start thinking about these.

Where does this list come from? My brain. Your brain, yeah, from the mind of that, let's do this, I'm excited. Yeah, okay, ready? Number one, if there's abuse, whether it's emotional or physical, that's obvious. You often don't know if you're in a unhealthy situation

because obviously you're in a like, I like to be abused. And so, you know, this feels really, really good. And this is a deal breaker, but again, when you're in it, you don't know that you're in that cycle of abuse. You're absolutely right. I've talked to a number of girls in my life,

and it's shocking how many of them will say without, you know, even without any kind of vein of irony or anything that about how they are abused in their relationship and But they don't speak about it as though it's abuse again Then you start calling me fat and you gel and I mean it's like they're bitching about it, but then I realized This is hard to abuse and that's why you need to go right and that's right You need to be able to have friends or people you trust in our fuck. So here's a cycle of abuse Do you know the cycle of abuse and if you want to Google this, there's a great, it's, you know, I learned this in psychology,

but there is a cycle. There's like, you know, if you Google it, go to Google images you'll see, but it's, it's number one, the tensions build. So, you know, tensions increase. There's a breakdown of communication. You feel like the victim, fearful, that kind of thing.

Like, it's building up. Yeah, actually, exactly. Then there's an incident. Something happened. Verbaly, they assault you or emotionally, you're physically anger. Then there's the reconciliation. You make up.

It feels really good. You feel like you're getting closer. There's apologies. You give excuses. You deny that it even happened. And then there's a comb after that. And you think, oh, you know, this is the fourth stage of it. It's forgotten.

There really was no abuse and you get in that honeymoon phase and you're like, wow, we're healing, we're moving. And then the tension starts building. So it's a loop. Tensions build incident reconciliation comb. Can I just, what do you say to this? There are every good, healthy relationship does have a cycle where fights do come.

You show me a couple that never gets in any fights for years, that's an unhealthy couple that don't really pay attention to each other. But it is separate lives. But I'm talking about abuse of tension. I'm talking about verbal abuse. And we're gonna label, I'm gonna let you know here some signs that you are. Don't worry, we're getting into this.

So if you notice this cycle might be time to and the relationship, it's never good. And let me tell you also, if you are an abusive relationship and you get out of one, that's a great time to learn from the relationship and to do some work on yourself. Because you keep repeating the cycle. Number two, the fighting gets mean and it starts happening more frequently. So like you just said Anderson couples they fight. Yeah, if you never fight Oh, we're so happy. That's also a good ab disagreement, but we're talking about it gets me

That's a good thing. Well, it gets me That's a yeah, and happening is more it happens more and our John Gottman He's one of my favorite researcher. Have you heard of the gotman got men's too. So got men He did these amazing studies and they he did these studies over years and years and he watched couples and he was able to identify predictors of either a failed or terminally happy Unhappy relationship. He studied couples over a few years period and now it gets a point where he could look at him for five minutes And he can tell if a few things happen that it's not gonna last right so let me tell you what these are I would think that some of these couples had issues because they're like, I really don't like that

there's a dude named Dr. Gottman over my shoulder constantly watching us. Well, no, exactly. That was another question. No, but I'm telling you, you're going to hear these and you're going to know it actually it's called the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Tell me more. Okay. Number one, criticism versus complaints. So a complaint, specific situation, right? Like your partner failed, you know, you in some way and you're like, hey, you know, you know, what kind of a tax they're, that's criticism and then there's complaints.

So let me, complaints are okay. Okay, right, okay, here's a complaint. Anderson, you know, we're married. God, there's no gas in the car again. I'm really aggravated and you didn't fill it, and you said you would. And they're really disappointed. So that's a complaint.

Here's a criticism. You never remember anything, Anderson. I told you to fill up the gas. You can't be counted on, and you're a loser, and everything you do is like, I'm never trusting you again. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, your attack is more affordable. Exactly. So that's, so couples who are more critical than they are complaining is a problem. So critical is that you're, you're, that's the first one. And it's your attacking who they are rather to what they did. Exactly.

A complaint is about what they did. Specific. You're like, you don't make it into this global. You always forget things. You're like, you know what, this one incident you said you felt the gas. I was late for work. That bum me out.

Number two, under the four signs that you relationship the gas, I was late for work, that bum me out. Number two, under the four signs that your relationship is probably dealt with. Contempt, this is a huge one, contempt. Now what you want contempt is, it's when your behavior is, it communicates disgust. It's like, yeah, just stand there. It's like, it includes things like criticism, sneering, sarcasm, like name calling, like you're an asshole, like you roll your eyes, you mock them, you make fun of them.

That's contempt, and it's hostile. Okay. That's the way you treat someone you really don't like. Just stand, yeah, you're rolling your eyes, it's disrespectful. It's beyond resentment. Exactly. It's disrespect. This is like how I treat co-workers that I have to work with, but I don't want to have a relationship with them, but I have to interact with them.

Right, it's contempt. And I think we're also going to put this on the website because I'm going to give you a audition out of a lot here, but this is all like, I believe that Gotman is probably one of the greatest researchers on relationships. So I'm glad we're talking about this. Okay, so then there's defensiveness. This is just like the problem.

It's not me, it's you. We all know what being defensive is, but this is like your partner is always defensive. They never take responsibility for their own behavior and they pointed to something you did and they complained about you. You're like, listen on you, I'm really upset. You said that there was, you know,

you were gonna bring them dinner tonight and I'm wearing a hungry, they're like, well, you never do this. And, you know, they never can take it in. They can never take feedback. They always point it right back at you. Can I just say to the about that, Em? A lot of people, that's like a personality disorder

and they're like that across the board with everybody in their life. Right? You know what I mean? There are those people that are gonna be defensive whether they're like married to you or they're child or you work with them. But that's really, really difficult.

It's awful, yeah. Yeah, you never do get it because you're, you're saying, this is when the breakdown, I always say that you gotta communicate. And this is when I'm not saying again, you can end it. These are signs that you could work on it. You could say, you know what,

my partner is displaying some of these. And this is when you go to therapy. And you say, you know what, these are the issues. And then oftentimes when couples therapy works, that's when you learn the tools to, they give you tools actually in therapy. And then you go home and you practice, you're like, you know, when you say this in that tone, it really upsets me.

And then you learn therapy that you have a sign. That was that tone again. And you learn to kind of change your behavior. Some couples are not able to reconcile that. And then also the frequency of fighting, the fighting, like I said, the beginning, more and more fighting. You can't agree on the smallest, smallest things. That's beyond repair.

Beyond repair. Okay. Number three, number three of the big signs. That was just part number two. There's no trust. Any foundation or Iota you had of trust, it's just completely gone. Right. Maybe someone cheated.

You know, it could be from a past relationships to it. It could be childhood trauma. You're always accusing your partner of cheating, and you just cannot build the trust. And it doesn't matter, there's insecurity, there's jealousy. And this, as you know, if you've been in a relationship like this, both parties will suffer. The problem with the trust is people think that, well, I keep reassuring my partner, I keep telling them, you know, I'm not cheating or if I cheated once, you know, I won't do it again. That's another case where most in most scenarios couples on their own cannot rebuild trust without the help of a third party.

And that is a therapist. Because there's so much broken down and already and the problem is if there is an indiscretion like let's say that gets founded on you know someone did cheat for example. Often I was a person who was the cheater doesn't want to talk about it. Like it's done. It's over. Let's move on.

It's shameful. The problem is is that the person who was cheated on they need closure. They need to hear sometimes they need to hear every detail and you need to be patient with them. And whatever case may be, these couples can't get past it. When the relationship's been damaged, that bad. It's like the equivalent of having a broken leg

that you need to go to the doctor and get it reset. You need to go to a therapist and get your relationship, reset if it has any hopes of everything healthy again. Now early on, when this happens, if you notice it in your inner relationship, where there's a lot of us. I've been in relationships for like two weeks, where we hit all these milestones.

Right? Yeah. And how they go. Sex is awesome, but then, yeah, everything else is still the out. And you know, when we hear from people where my partner's really jealous, is that working out,

guess what, that's not gonna go away and it probably doesn't have anything to do with you. And the jealous partners are usually cheating. That's why they're jealous. Well, that's interesting. That's true. A lot of times, your partners could be projecting. And early on, if you catch this,

you can work it through with therapy and trial and re-build it. But sometimes, point in or return. If you've given it your best, you're not going to be able to rebuild the trust game over. And sometimes it's not worth it unless you've got that kid. So, you know, or it's the first time you've ever been able to find somebody that you could work with. Exactly. By the lot of time it's just like get out. Get out. Yeah because you're not if you're not working on the trust it's not just

going to magically go away. Right. Okay. Number four there's no sex in the relationship but that we don't know sex waxes and wanes and relationships. That's the floor. Evidence flows waxes and wanes. But this is when you've tried the QVACCUBAN effort. You've tried to talk about it, you tried to work on it, and it just dies out. And this is not about sex drive and libido, and you just said kids. Sometimes you just don't want to sex with your partner anymore. You become a roommate. Yep, you become roommates.

You're not interested. You find that you're really attracted to other people. You're partner anymore. You become a roommate. Yep, you become roommates. You're not interested. You find that you're really attracted to other people. You're making it. Lots of excuses not to get intimate with your partner. And like I've always said, if you're just, if you're not having sex with your partner and it's gone too long, you are roommates. And you're not lovers.

Right. But you're comfortable. And you can't imagine your world without that person. Which is why I'm so. Which is why I'm so. Right. You're people all like change. And you're going to have to make a massive change and have a different living space and have a different roommate or maybe no roommate and that's scary.

But you only have one life as far as we know. Exactly. Can't be wasting it. And I've told a story actually. I have a friend years ago, a few years ago, she's older than me, but she was married when I started my show, of course. So I tackled out sex with everybody And she was like, you know what? They'd been together like 15 years of the time,

a woman I work with. She's, Emily, I don't care about sex. He's a great dad. We got two kids. I've had enough sex in my life. She thinks she was like 40 at the time. She's like, I've had enough sex. And I thought to myself, something's messed up here.

You've not had enough sex. And now, third divorce turns out there was an affair. And if you find yourself rationalizing away, she did. She doesn't have sex with him. Well, right. Exactly. So what I'm saying is if you're rationalizing the fact that you know what, we're best friends,

it's great. I can see, I can see that though, especially when you get once you've got kids in your older 40s, it might be a little bit young, but if you're like 50 or 60, you're doing that. Twilight year, you know what I mean? That's, yeah, you make your own decisions. We might go on cruise, but I'm saying, you know, you're, yeah, you still want bit young, but if you're like 50 or 16, you're doing that. Twilight years, you know what I mean? That's, yeah, you make your own decisions. We like to go on cruise, but I'm saying, you know, you're, yeah, you still want to be through, but it's not working.

I'm finally, and you don't see a future together, because here's a thing. But have you been with someone where they're just like planning trips without you or you closureize and think, God, I can't, I'm one wondering, my parents are, I can't, kids with this person. Yeah, I've been in relationships that lasted like six months after this thought went into my head Emily. We were both hungry, we were gonna go get something to eat and I'm like, that's like a 10 minute drive

to that restaurant. I don't wanna sit in the car, I was just person for 10 minutes. Okay, to the restaurant. And I was with that person for six months after that. You wouldn't even see a future dinner with them. I don't even see the future drive. The drive seems like a mind bogglingly numb. Exactly.

So I, yeah. That's a feature. Also, if you feel like you're planning your summer vacation, but you're not thinking of them, and also your future plans don't line up. Like, you know, you know that you want to settle down in the suburbs with five kids, and your partner's like, can't wait,

just wants to live in the city. Like, these are all important things. People change, though. People change. Well, you know what? But you're right. If you're with someone for a while, I didn't not saying, again, you guys,

I am not like, I'm not like, it's something that's happened. Like, I'm not taking sex with Emily. I'm gonna do a little disclaimer here. I'm not taking responsibility for your relationship ending. It was wrong. We will not pay for your therapy.

I'm just telling you, these are some things that might get the wheels turning around. Let me ask you this, Em. You personally, have you ever been in a relationship for, because I know you're a monogamous, you're a serial monogamous there for a whole life. I was, yeah. Were you ever in a relationship that you felt

like it was really bad and you're, you knew inside you were done with it, but you didn't want to give up on it because you'd already been in it so long? Yeah, a lot of reasons. I think that there was comfort. I used to joke that I, it was actually true, but it's been a while now that I used to spend half my relationships trying to get out of

them. But no, I get like, you actually look, well, I've already, I've been with him for two years now. I don't want to throw that away. No, I never thought that. Okay, because I hear that a lot for, especially from the ladies and it's, it's really not the swiast way to go about something. No, because, right. It's like if you have had a bad stock and you've been losing money for two years, you don't stick with it. Exactly, you gotta know when it's time to fold them. Yeah.

No one, hold on. Well, you've never done that, okay, good. No, I haven't done that. Okay, so, and here's some follow-up questions you guys, because I don't want you to be like, go check, check, check. First thing about this, what are you afraid of if you end it? Spiders.

Afraid of being alone? Afraid, here's the other thing, how do you all do this? I'll never gonna find anyone else. Yeah. Right? That might be the case for someone. The best thing that ever happened to me.

No, I don't know. I don't think that's the case for me. I'm seeing some people. I don't see it's people. Well, they're probably could use a lot of content. They're all like, I see somebody like on a reality show and then you find out they have kids

and you're like, oh my God, they actually had sex with someone? Who would ever have sex with that? I'm sorry. That was mean. That was mean. That is mean. You might fear that no one's going to love you. You're unlovable.

And then think about like where are these fears coming from? How are we all day? Or are you using them just as an excuse? Settle for good enough. Sometimes we use these excuses. We're like, I'm just too, I don't want to do it. And I know a lot of people who are in relationships who eventually, and some say together forever and some eventually get divorced, but they just, they literally in their mind, they mind are like I can't imagine being without this person because there will be no one else

But I'm telling you that that's just a fear that is not true So you want to find someone else? There's always a lot of things Yeah, there's always somebody now. There's always somebody else at your level out there roaming the streets looking for somebody as well Yeah, that is not right. That's just a fearful thought the other other thing is, am I in love with this person or am I in love with the person I wish they were? Do I think this person is going to change? If they only change, then blank once they stop drinking, once they lose weight,

once they stop accusing me of beating me, whatever. That was morbid. But you know, then it'll be great. News flash people. People do not change unless they want to change. So do not ever date or marry on potential. Right. Which happens, I think more often than not.

What? I think that people get married and thinking that things are going to change. Right. And people like to change people like projects They like fix me ups. They like you ladies You did too as well. Oh, I did a lot. Yeah, but I'm kind of like a chick Also, that's what is this relationship bringing out the best of me

So like when you're in a healthy relationship, you want to feel like this is your best self Right, you know, you you make it better. You build each other up You like working towards the same goals or they support your goals. But if you feel like your relationship is bringing you down and like your partner is like holding you back from things that are really, really important to you, you know, constant criticism and negativity, like how are you feeling in the relationship?

You wanna feel like your best self. And I have to say that I was in a relationship not too long ago like in the last few years where I realized, and this isn't usually, this isn is something that's new for me, that I felt like God, I had some like insecurities coming up and things that like, I just felt like God,

this person really isn't supporting me, and I think they were a little jealous, and it was like, God, I'm actually feeling bad, I've never felt, and it's funny because I've, these four best girlfriends from college, and they came out to visit me

and say I'm just going, they're like, you know what I'm, and I've never seen you worry about this thing. Like you're worried about things that are not like you and I realized it was, I was allowing my partner to have the effect of me and so I'm just really great if you people who know you and love you and trust you to actually listen to them. Right. And you know what I'm talking about?

It takes guts to, takes balls to like, because what if you ended up marrying that guy and I got a lot of women in your position or men to would turn around and be like Pist of the friends for like seeing anything about it. Right. I'm telling you here's the thing I don't think that every friend knows the best, but you know who those people are. Yeah, who are your good friends? I hope you have grounded it. Show you what's really happened. Exactly. And then finally if you give it your best Like have you really tried because this can't be just like one thing happening You're out, but like you tried therapy, you tried talking about it, and you know when you're done.

Okay? So, you know, this is not gonna apply to everybody, and if there's kids, of course, there's more to consider, but I want you to, I want you to really think about these things. Because it's spring time. Happy spring, woo! That's enough, okay?

But no, that's, so I forgot that other way. So I just, you know, throw out some old T-shirts and throw out some old relationships. Or stay with them, maybe this is refreshing. It's also the time of year that if you have a house cat, they're gonna be bringing in little baby birds because it's springtime. So we have settings.

Yeah, but it's just, my backyard is just like a, it's a wild so far. Do you have a cat? Yeah, I have a cat. I have a house cat, but I let her outside. She goes outside, then she brings things in. Oh. She had an alligator, a lizard, and a mouth a couple days ago.

An alligator? And she was meowing with it in her mouth a couple days ago. An alligator? And she was meowing with it in her mouth. Like looking at it so proud. Did you take pictures? No, I just screamed. I'm kidding, oh, kidding. Kitty runs and then she drops the alligator lizard in the mouth. Is it dead?

No, it was roaming around my house. I know that you probably take it to the vet or something. No, I took it out front. I let it go. Okay, we're going to take a quick break and be right back. Okay, so I would like to get into some emails. Email time. Thank you everybody for emailing me. Feedback at sexwithelmay.com. I love hearing from you.

Are there links on your site too about all the stuff that you decided there from God? Yeah, exactly. We're going to post all this from Gottman, John Gottman. I think this is going to be really helpful for you guys just to take a look at it. I know I just ran through a lot, but I think it's really important for you to take a good consideration. And maybe none of these apply to you. If you are taking the time to go to the website and look it further, take a look at your own relationship.

Chances are there's a reason you're doing that. Good. Chances are there's a reason you're doing that, right? Good chance. There's something there that's bugging you. I once heard this advice, a relationship advice, and I don't think this is for everybody, but they're like, you know, my friend kept saying, God, I just don't know.

I'm not sure if we should be together for like a year and my friend turned her and said, if you don't know, you know. Kind of like the orgasm had it, right? Like I think I might have had one. If you think you had an orgasm, you didn't have one. Exactly. know, you know. Kind of like the orgasm, right? I think I might have had one. If you think you had an orgasm, you didn't have one. Exactly. You're right.

I know. Okay, emails. So I love when you include your name, where you're listening from, and how you listen in your age in the email. And this email I really liked, because we answer a ton of sex questions on the show, but I also like answering, of course we answered relationship as well. So this was an interesting one that we hadn't gotten a while. Hey Emily, I'm a big fan of your podcast and iTunes and I'm a needy of some third-party advice. I recently moved with my

boyfriend of nearly six years. We live in San Francisco and just made the jump to the burps. We lived in San Francisco. We got a new apartment on very short notice, but I had a previously scheduled doctor appointment in the city, so I figured I'd take advantage and sleep in the old apartment to make it easier myself. I pulled the sheets off the bed in the morning, knowing that we'd be back in a few days to pack the remainder of his items and clean the place. We returned to the apartment a few days later, and I immediately tossed the sheets in the wash, not thinking anything of it. My boyfriend, apparently, found this behavior highly suspicious because he's now accusing

me of cheating. He's latched onto the fact that washing those damn sheets was the first thing I did when we got there. I absolutely did not cheat on him. Trust has never been an issue for us, even though we're frequently apart. I suspect this is part of a bigger issue and he is second-guessing or moving in together.

But how do you get someone to address the actual issue instead of throwing out hurtful accusations? Do you think he's inventing reasons to break up? I'm really hurt by this and I was really excited to be taking these next steps in our relationship and I so appreciate your take on it. Thank you Jessica 31. Good luck and that's like nine different directions you can go there. Well here's the thing Jessica I love this question again because like I said we don't get a lot of these issues not least not lately I don't know why

this one seems like interesting to me because there's a lot going on here. Okay you've been together six years and that's kind of a long time if this is your first blow up like out of the blue about trust and jealousy, right? Six years, things are good. And all of a sudden it's the sheets, right? Not a great sign, but there's two possibilities

I've broken it down to, but you know, of course, Anderson, I'm open to your feedback. One, possibility. He is the one who's cheating, or thinking about cheating, like we talked about earlier, and he's projecting. And I'm sorry, but this is common. I hate to break the news to you. For one person who's actually up to no good,

to kind of call out their partner because they're feeling guilty, either for feelings that they have about cheating, or they actually have cheated. I hope this is not the case. I really hope it's not the case just but it's worth looking into. Option two, he's kind of freaking out about taking the next step. It's kind of like a little bit cold feet before they get married. And he's creating drama to hide the bigger

issue that he's fearful of moving in together. So that's what you said. You said I'm wondering if he's trying to create an issue and I think that's what you said. You said I'm wondering if you're trying to create an issue and I think that's what it is. And if that is the case, you can work through that together. It's totally normal to have fear, right? Interest in when you were getting, did you have Coltfy? You still have Coltfy? Just kidding.

But I'm, wait, what's the... No, by the time I finally, I'm a bad example. Because by the time I finally, I was like homeless when my wife and I now wife and I finally moved in together. I was like a rolling rock. I was just staying in a different place every night. Really? Didn't pay rent anywhere.

I was a, I was a, I was a nomad. It was, I loved that lifestyle. It was a fantastic lifestyle. But by the time I actually moved in with her, it was like I knew the news. You were ready. Okay, but you and your friends who were like getting ready to get married and they were like, oh God.

Absolutely, I get the cold feet. I can put myself in this guy's mindset. And also in fairness to him, I'm, that is kind of a weird move. If I had any doubts about, even though it's been six years, but if I had any doubts or I thought maybe she was cheating before this or I had any issues, and then I saw the sheet move, that is a weird move.

Okay, that's an interesting guy perspective. I could see that as well. But I don't think that I would, if I was in a healthy stable relationship, and my partner like was like I thought they were going back to clean everything up. Let's watch these sheets, but I can see what you're saying. My wife watches the sheets all the time. I do too, like every three days.

I don't even think twice about it. Usually it's because one of the dogs puked on it and I don't even think twice. She's telling it doesn't puked. Hey, does. We have three dogs in the back. One of them almost always pukes. But okay, there's a good point. So you're right.

Okay, so that could be a point, but she's telling him that she's not. Okay, I believe that she's not. So regardless of the source or what happened, you've got to have the conversation. You know, you need to sit down, time you love him, you're excited that you're in this relationship and then you're moving in together,

but these accusations are hurtful and they're actually untrue and unless he's willing to work with you, the accusations and mistrust is not gonna get you anywhere. What about asking him like point blank too? Like are you doing this because you're freaking out about moving? Yeah, you know what I ask him.

So you know I had a hunch and he was the other thing. You don't wanna be accusatory. You wanna be, babe, I've been thinking about this. Like I'm just wondering like how you feel about us moving in together. Is this could this be bringing it up? And he can't just shut this down. I mean, he's gotta be honest and willing willing to communicate and if he wants to say together and

You know, he's like I want to say together, but I can't click get my feelings out then you might need to be You might be great candidate for therapy, but if he just keeps resisting and resisting and there's these roadblocks You know what you might know and put the sheets back on the bed best case scenario though you guys work through this I hope so you end up getting married and when you're old and gray you still have the little inside funny joke every time she washes the sheets. Every time she... yeah Anderson that's so positive. That's so glass half full. I love it. Okay. Hi Emily, I would love to get your thoughts and being sexually active with your spouse while separated. My wife and I have recently separated but have agreed to not see other people until we figure out if we want our marriage to continue.

I feel that being- I feel that being- It's like the worst limbo ever. I feel that being actively intimate with each other will be fun as the day they husband and wife thing. You know, we've struggled with won't be a factor. Thanks, Thomas. What? There's some key-

They're going from married to F- Okay, so here's my problem with this email. Is it- Oh! I want to know- That's what they're doing, right? Yeah, yeah, here's the thing. They're married. I don't know why they're separating.

They're taking a little break. They're moving to separate apartments. And he's excited because I'm assuming the sex is waiting and they've got issues that, wow, we can like date again and we can relive that honeymoon phase and won't that be great. And he wants to know, is that okay? That's half glass full right there. Yeah, and she's promised that they're saying I'm not going not gonna see whether people need to know is it a good idea. Well, here's the thing.

As long as you guys are truly working on the relationship while you're not together and you're not just having sex and falling in love again, the euphoric recall remembering all the great things, I think that it's okay to have physical intimacy. I think that that's totally fine. How does your reconnect? And oftentimes when you do have space for a partner,

not necessarily moving out, but you take a trip, wave to each other, that can build intimacy again. You can reconnect, you get the dissexual desire back, because you know, oftentimes when you, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And distance and space could bring that excitement back. But however, if you're just having sex

and enjoying that new honeymoon ride, that second swing at the honeymoon, but you're not working on any of those issues, and then you get back together because it's so good. Same old thing. Same old thing. It's gonna be repetition of what you happen.

You're gonna, it's a trap, okay? So we all crave the newness and it's just not sustainable over time in any relationship I'm here to tell you. After two years or so in a relationship, it's biology, you're gonna need to work on the sex. But just like, I wanna make this very, very, very, very clear if I have not.

Just like trauma. Issues do not go away unless you work on them. I was so treated. You gotta treat them in therapy. Clearly you guys have come to a stand so you could not work on them. So just taking physical space and not taking that space of mentally and emotionally working on it,

it's not gonna heal it. Right. Okay, squirting. I thought that the squirting was gonna end up being the sheets one. You did. I thought she was gonna be like, and that's why I had to watch them

because I masturbated at that night without you and I scored it all over my sheets That's why I'm watching them. I could understand where you made that connection. Yeah, I thought it was gonna be two birds right there Hamley huge fan here you and your podcast also when you're on love line. I listen to your podcast every morning trying to catch up. What is love line? Love line It's a show that I do here on the radio So my question is how to get my wife to be more into letting me use the magic wand on her to make her squirt?

We've done it twice now. And the second time, she seemed more into it, but her biggest problem with it is she thinks she's peeing when she orgasms. I've argued with her, it's her article that says it isn't near him, but she's dead, said, I'm thinking it's full blown urine. Thus not wanting me to use the wand to make her squirt and I love seeing her do it. Is there anything you can do to help us better understand what squirting really entails? Please help us because I know she really likes

doing it but she's afraid or embarrassed by it and thinks she's being. Thanks for the help and I love the show. Bob. Okay there has been much focus on this squirting debate. It's like more than the presidential debate It's so disgusting, but just have her eat some asparagus. It is not disgusting. Here's a thing Is it pee? Is it not pee? It's a debate? Listen if it feels good to her and you've expressed how much turns you want You shouldn't be worrying about if it's pee or not because you know, doesn't matter There's too much emphasis on this goddamn fluid con but but let me tell you. You want to know what a squirting? Let me break it down. Oh no, you're gonna talk about the barifalan's gland and all that? No, no, no, it's so unsexual. It makes something so great, so

scientific. Small amounts of thick fluid, sometimes are elicited, secreted during the female orgasm. It happens. And women who squirt, they're simply learning to release one set of muscles while contracting the bladder, so they can release a little bit of urine during orgasm. So when you're having sex and you have stimulation, what happens is the female ejaculate gets mixed in with the vaginal fluids and lubrication and semen

and pre-ageglatory fluid and post-ageglatory, so it's a whole mess of things. I don't know what they're called, it's a cocktail of sexual excretions. And there is significant proof that the origin of fluid is the bladder and there is some chemical composition that is urine. There's also the periorethal glands, ducts that also have some fluid in there that is not urine, okay? So bottom line again, if she likes it and it feels good and you like it, what is the big free and deal if it's urine or not? But if she does not want to squirt for whatever reason, you cannot pressure her and make her do it because she won't want to, she won't want to come around. Um, no woman on this planet, like,

being pressured into a sexual act, and then it's going to lead to other things, other issues, other problems. Sex is messy people, sex is messy, but it's also beautiful. So just get over it. I hate this. No, but I don't say that but it also here's another thing Like I would say squirting is a new anal But I need a new fucking thing for squirting because when I first started the show aina was a new blowjob But squirting with porn people see it all the time. They wanted to the barn a squirt Every lot of men do so that's the thing I'm getting the questions. I'm answering it I love you Pegging is the new squirting maybe when a man gets in only planet

Yeah, you love that so much. I see in your eye. I've never can I be honest? I'm gonna be honest We're not very sexually What's that? You haven't really done much. I've never pegged a man. I've never worn a strap on a pegged a man You haven't lived till you have and I have every day is to waste of your life. I'm so busy I have no time for packing no time for begging on my schedule Put on my schedule That's what you time for but this is my Wednesday Anderson You know how y'all write me feedback at sex at mme.com

Super easy now if you go to the ask Emily page on our site You can easily just send it right through to the site you just go ask Emily boom Your email gets right sensor inbox Also, I it's really helpful again. We subscribe, but also when you review us on iTunes and you give us a Beautiful makes them feel good about herself. No idea, but also help so I can keep doing the show I my goals do the show. I'd love to do it every day Yeah, I don't know why you want it doing the show. My goals do the show. I'd love to do it every day. I used to. I don't know why you want it.

You're kind of doing your head, right? Every single day. You're always emulating. Take a note, doing things. It is my life. And I love it every 10 years. Plus years. Okay, Anderson, thank you so much.

Thank you. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamlee.com. Come.