Sex With Emily - Best Of: Stop Blocking Your Sex Life

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

When it comes to sex, do you have a growth mindset? Whether you’re a new parent and your sex drive has tanked, or you’re trying to break free from a mental pattern that’s blocking your pleasure,... we all experience sexual roadblocks. Never fear: you can have a sex reset! On today’s Ask Emily show, I’m helping you ID the obstacles to your sexuality, from trauma to a repressive upbringing, to a disconnect with a partner. And one by one, I help you figure out solutions that open the door to self-exploration. In this episode, you’ll learn: What “spectatoring” during sex means, and how to overcome it Tips for sharing a sexual fantasy with a new partner How to navigate mismatched libidos in a long-term relationship See the full show notes at Show Notes: 10 Common Kinks & Fetishes (& What They Mean) Solaray (code 20STAGES for 20% off) We-Vibe Nova Shop Site Podcast: Hotline Calls: Why Can’t I Orgasm? SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Sex with Emily is looking for a new senior podcast producer. We are sorry to say goodbye to Erica, but she is leaving to pursue her music career. And I know she's going to have much success. We are looking for a senior producer right now that can start and help us with content production. You have technical expertise. You know how to manage a team. You can collaborate and you have experience working in production with audio or podcasting and video. And you're also familiar with the content
Starting point is 00:00:33 because you're listening to the show. Send your cover letter and resume to jobs at We'd love to have you join our growing team and we have a good time over here. Thank you. Or do they watch sports? Or do they shop? But these are the kind of things that one of the favorite movies, music. We talk about everything, but with sex, we have to eat it out of somebody or guess. It's time to have conversations. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize
Starting point is 00:01:17 your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. When it comes to sex, do you have a growth mindset? Well, whether you're a new parent or your sex drive has tanked or you're trying to break free from a mental pattern that's blocking your pleasure, we all experience sexual roadblocks. But don't fear, you can have a sex reset. On today's Ask Emily show, I'm helping you identify the obstacles to your sexuality, from trauma to a repressive upbringing to a disconnect with your partner. And one by one, I help you figure out solutions that open the door to self-exploration.
Starting point is 00:01:54 Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Common Kinks and Fetishes, is up on Stay tuned because my annual Valentine's Day guide will be coming out soon. And trust me, you won't want to miss this one. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline 559talksex or 559-825-5739.
Starting point is 00:02:19 Leave me your questions there or message me, slash ask Emily. All right, everyone, enjoy the show. ["Sex Life"] Confidence is so important in so many aspects of our lives, but it's particularly important in our sex lives. Well, that's why when I heard about Bathmate's New Year's sale, I had to share it with you all.
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Starting point is 00:04:01 Absolutely. So I'll give you a little background, 33 divorced, two little kids under the age of 10. I feel like I just succumbed to the fact that sex was supposed to just be unenjoyable. I was with someone for 10 years, was never really able to achieve. Orgasm internally always had to be like a manual external thing. And as I've now begun dating and seeing that there's so much more out there, I want more for myself. And I've come to this, you know, conclusion that every time I'm engaged with
Starting point is 00:04:33 someone sexually, I'm like spectatoring. I'm like seeing it outside looking in. I'm not present. I'm worried about if they're enjoying it, what it looks like. Will I work as them? It's just, I'm worried about if they're enjoying it, what it looks like. Will I orgasm? It's just, I'm so distracted and I just, I'm like, what do I do now? Like I'm in my prime.
Starting point is 00:04:51 This shouldn't be the way it is. Yeah. Spectatoring is that process of just being in your head. You're like looking at the sex act outside of yourself. You're focusing on it from another perspective. What's happening and what's could go wrong rather than being in your body and focus on your sensations. Your brain is the most powerful sex organ, right? So if your thoughts
Starting point is 00:05:13 are, is it going to happen? And what am I doing? And you all these fears, that is going to impact your ability to be present and to have the best sex that you deserve. So I love that you're on this journey right now. And it sounds like you didn't have that before. And so the first thing is, do you ever do any masturbation or any self pleasure on your own? Is like understanding your own body and what feels good?
Starting point is 00:05:40 It's like sad at my age. The only kind of masturbation that I've engaged in is like just quick, fast, clitoral, like when I was young, I have two little kids, it's get it done. And I was talking to my girlfriends and they were like, Katie, like you don't, you don't do anything internally. Like you don't try and find your G spot. And I'm like, no, I don't. And it's like a whole new thing for me where I'm like, Oh my God,
Starting point is 00:06:02 could this feel good? This is a practice. And majority of women are like you, I would say. Haven't done the exploring. We still have sex the same way we did the first time we had sex. We still orgasm the same way. So just look at this as a period of exploration.
Starting point is 00:06:15 And so I know you've two little kids, but if there's ever time that you could take a bath, close the door, focusing on mindfulness practice where you're slowing down your thoughts and you're trying to quiet those distracting thoughts and you're focusing on what am I feeling in the moment. So you move your hands over different body parts and you're like, what does my fingers feel like on my, on my elbow and what feels good to my
Starting point is 00:06:36 touch? And you slow everything down and you're going to still have the thoughts and you're going to still say you're going're gonna be rushing trying to get towards orgasm Because that's our practice But the minute you can try to just even if it takes you dozens of times Go back to the moment. What am I feeling because I think this is the process of you Learning your body right now 33 year old woman so you have your whole life ahead of you and you are so ahead of the game
Starting point is 00:07:03 I mean I hear from women a lot older who haven't even thought about this stuff. So you've been busy. You're in a marriage service. You've had two kids. And let's just say that today is the start of a new journey for you. We, you are starting to unpack and explore what feels good to you. So then when you're with a partner, you can start to explain those things and you can start to understand your body. That's how you get out of spectatoring, but it is a practice.
Starting point is 00:07:30 I don't have a quick fix for you. It could be stuff about how you feel about your body, maybe you're worried you're not performing, you're not having an orgasm, maybe you're thinking about something that happened earlier in the day. There's so many things that go into it. You're right. It's such a combo. It's just not here. Whether it's me thinking about the person that he was with before and how much better it probably was with them because they could orgasm
Starting point is 00:07:52 or whether it's, oh my God, it didn't pack lunches for tomorrow. Right. Or a bad mom or it's just, it could be anything. And it's just, it's so intrusive. So. That's it. It seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world.
Starting point is 00:08:04 Cause no one else can tell me what I'm feeling. Only I know what it feels like to have this finger on my body right now, but we can't do it cause we're so in our heads. Don't get me wrong. I stress, I worry. I think I'm not getting there fast enough. I do all the things that everyone else does. Okay.
Starting point is 00:08:18 We all do it to varying degrees. You're never just, you don't have any of that. It gets a lot easier over time. So there's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. It is a little... Thank you. Yeah, you're not at all. Go to a toy store, buy some toys that make you feel good. Practice. You could get like a insertion vibe. The Nova, which is a great one by Revive. It's like a rabbit vibrator, but it has like a dual stimulation model to it. So you can practice internal stimulation external just because you know,
Starting point is 00:08:48 sex begets sex. And the more you get into your body and you start realizing what feels good to you, you'll have more pleasure. And then you'll be able to describe that to a partner as well. So we just got to get to know who you are right now without this past relationship, Katie, and just just landing at this body at 33 years old. What do you want?
Starting point is 00:09:07 And you get to explore it. Oh, I love it. And honestly, you telling me, like, this is your time for exploration, it takes the pressure off. It doesn't mean I'm wrong that I haven't figured it out yet. It's just, okay, now is the time. Now is time. Because I'm aware now.
Starting point is 00:09:21 Thank you. Yes, you're so, you're ahead of it. So many women never even get there. You're way ahead of it. Yes, you're so, you're ahead of it. So many women never even get there. You're way ahead of it. No, you're great. Today's the first day of the rest of your pleasurable life. Love it, love it. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:09:32 Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate you. Absolutely love you. I'll talk to you in a minute. Good night. You too, bye. Thanks, Katie. All right guys, your brain is the largest sex organ
Starting point is 00:09:41 and in mindfulness practice will be something that will serve you in every era of your life. You can learn how to diffuse anger to focus better. You'll learn how to, most importantly, welcome more pleasure into your life. If your body's worrying about the past or the future, it cannot be focused in pleasure. And that's what I'm all about. I don't have a quick fix for any of this, but I can tell you what a really healthy mindfulness practice will do and it will definitely help you have more pleasure.
Starting point is 00:10:11 This is from Mark 24 in Kansas. Hey Dr. Emily, my fiance and I have recently moved into a house together on our own about four months ago. We used to live with my parents together, so you could say our sex life was on the difficult side. Well now that we've moved out, our sex life was on the difficult side. Well, now that we've moved out, our sex life is amazing, except she will not perform oral for me, and it's very frustrating considering I've told her that it makes me feel like she wants me when she doesn't. What can I do to get her to do it more? She also hardly lets me perform oral on her, and it's frustrating, and I don't know what to do. All right, Mark, have you talked to her outside the bedroom about what you're both into and that you love when she goes down on you and it really turns you on, it makes you feel great and you want to know what turns her on and what
Starting point is 00:10:55 part of oral sex isn't great for her. Get curious. Remember, we have to be curious. We can't be blaming and we can't say why don't you ever go down on me and you can't say I really want to go down And you why won't you let me? Secondly of those kind of conversations with our partners. They're just gonna they're just gonna Clam up and it puts them on the defensive. So just saying this is something that I really fantasize about I'd love to turn you on what turns you on these are the conversations You're 24 years old and you just moved in together So I think outside the bedroom use my timing tone and turf,
Starting point is 00:11:26 do it at the right time, your tone is light and curious. Hey, now that we're living together, I'd love to find out how we can be the most sexiest romantic best lovers to each other. What does that look like for you? For months we were in your parents' home, but now we get to be in our house together and this is what I fantasize about, this kind of sex and going down in you. And what do you fantasize about? And so it just sounds like you need to have some more open conversations about
Starting point is 00:11:50 what feels good to her, what feels good to you. And it sounds like there hasn't been a time or a space for that. And I see that you're frustrated because you said she won't perform, but I've told her, but remember sometimes just telling our partners what we want. We're not going to get it. And I don't think she's trying to hold back and be an asshole to you. Listen, this is why people don't give oral.
Starting point is 00:12:08 They either are worried they're not doing a good job. They have some fear around it because they had a bad experience once or someone told them that it was not clean or not safe or something like that. So I would find out and say, listen, I love oral, I love giving and receiving, but tell me more about like, how do you feel about oral?
Starting point is 00:12:27 What's been your experience with it? What do you like about it? What don't you like about it? What are your favorite things about sex? Remember, think about when you go on a date with someone or you're getting to know someone and you ask about their favorite food or where they like to go on vacation or how do they watch sports? Where do they shop?
Starting point is 00:12:41 These are the kind of things or what are the favorite movies, music? We talk about everything, but with sex, we have to eke it out of somebody or guess. But I want to normalize this across the board. And I think that if you just moved in together and you're going to be together for a while, or at least you're going to try to make this work, it's time to have conversations. Hopefully, you're going to find out that she also has a growth mindset around sex. And she is like, oh, I was just waiting to talk about it Or she might say this is uncomfortable for me and then you got to talk about it and go slow but this is a conversation that's to keep happening and
Starting point is 00:13:12 If she's shutting down the sex conversation and the oral conversation Then we have some more information here to work with but all of you I want to make sure that you are with partners that are willing to talk about sex and have a growth mindset around sex. That is important. If you're listening to this show, I guarantee you that's what you want. And if your partner's not there right now, you can try to get them there, try to get them on board, listen to this show together. I know that helps a lot of couples. But if they say no, I'll never talk about sex. I'm not interested in sex and I'll never go down in you, then you have enough information, I think, to make a decision that works for you.
Starting point is 00:13:48 All right, thanks Mark. This is from Monica. Hey Dr. Emily, thanks for taking the time to read my email. I'm writing you from a desperate place. I am lost with what to do. My husband and I have been married for five years and together for 10. We love each other very much, but are unhappy.
Starting point is 00:14:04 My husband's unhappy with many areas of his life, mainly his job and he brings those stresses home. I'm a stay-at-home mom of our two beautiful boys, three years old and now one year old. As much as I adore them, I've been quite anxious and quite honestly depressed staying at home. I've lost myself. All this being said, my sex drive is lacking. And quite the contrary, my husband's escape from his stress is sex. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy sex a lot when I'm in the mood. It's wonderful. I love giving him oral and he also wants to satisfy me by going down to me. But the problem is I
Starting point is 00:14:38 don't enjoy it. I can't even physically or mentally relax. He gets frustrated. Last night he said, I'm tired of this. I understood that he wants to do everything in the bedroom and that he feels that I'm being selfish for not letting him do what he likes, but he doesn't understand. I don't like it. I've tried receiving oral and every time I tend so bad, I almost choked him with my legs. I appreciate any advice you have. Thanks so much for everything you do. You're amazing.
Starting point is 00:15:02 All right. Listen here, Monica, you've two small boys at home. A lot of us have been inside the same four walls with our partners the last year and a half, even more so. It's been a challenge. It's been a challenge for everyone, but you're also a new mom and libidos and new moms are not always what they once were. It will come back.
Starting point is 00:15:24 But let me just tell you here that that's okay. And I feel like it would be a great time for you to have a conversation with your husband about the reality of what you're feeling right now outside the bedroom, have this conversation. And if you're not interested in going down into you, what does turn you on? What does arouse you? What feels good to you? It could have been before kids, but can you think about a time when you really got in the mood?
Starting point is 00:15:49 What was happening? Did you guys get dinner? Did you get a babysitter? Do you guys ever get anyone to watch the kids right now? Have you been prioritizing your pleasure? Have you been prioritizing date night? Have you guys had time away? Have you a time to not feel like a mom
Starting point is 00:16:03 and time to feel like yourself again? Are you doing any of the things that make you feel embodied, you know, in your body? Are you taking time for yourself and understanding your own sexuality? It sounds like this has become very transactional in a way, like you're going down on him and then he's trying to go down on you and you're both really frustrated. And I think that there's a reset that has to happen after you have kids and a lot of us need this. If things are the same and you keep doing really frustrated. And I think that there's a reset that has to happen after you have kids and a lot of us need this. If things are the same and you keep doing that, have trying to have the same kind
Starting point is 00:16:30 of sex over and over again, it's just not going to feel as satisfying really to anybody. So having a ground zero conversation and saying, all right, let's just maybe even take sex off the table. Let's do some discovery. Let's check out, let's listen to Emily's podcast together and see, you know, where we can rebuild again. And you both like the foreplay part of it.
Starting point is 00:16:50 Sounds like you both want to please each other, but it's not happening in the right ways or in the right order of events. And you said that you've been anxious and depressed. And I wonder if it's because you also have a young child at home. You have theirs, you have a one year old and a three year old. So you've been really busy the last few years. Have you gotten your hormones checked? A lot of the anxiety and depression from new moms comes from the fact that you're told that you should bounce back after six weeks and you should be wanting to have sex again right away. And that is
Starting point is 00:17:15 not true for the majority of women, but yet a lot of doctors tell them that. So a lot of women I've talked to postpartum are like, oh God, I was not in the mood for a while and then I kept trying to overcompensate and then I'm just exhausted. But also you're just exhausted because you have two kids at home and you've probably, it doesn't sound like you've a lot of help maybe or you get to, you know, take care of yourself. And I think that new moms forget to do that all the time and sex just becomes the problem in their relationship. I would love to invite couples every few years in your relationship. How do we like look at our sex life and what could we do better,
Starting point is 00:17:49 different? What do we both need now? Because it does change over time and you've been together for 10 years and now you're new parents together. So I would say I would love you not to beat yourself up. To prioritize your own mental health if you really are feeling depressed and anxious, I would love you to see a therapist and get some help for that because when we are not mentally well, it's really hard to show up healthy in every other area of our life. It just is really impossible when our brain's telling us to shut down and feel bad about ourselves. So I invite you to prioritize first your mental health, then you can think about your pleasure and think about healthy ways of communicating with your partner. But let's start with you first. All right? Thanks for your email. Let
Starting point is 00:18:28 me know how it goes, Monica. We're going to take a quick break, but when we come back, I'm talking to George, who's having a hard time reaching orgasm when he has penetrative sex. But first, I want to tell you about Soleray. If you've read my book, Smart Sex, you know that health is a second pillar of sexual intelligence and our health impacts our sex life. I take my health very seriously and I do start every single day by taking supplements. But did you know that the supplements we need change over time? Well, I learned all this from Soleray because they have just launched their most innovative line of products, HerLife Stages.
Starting point is 00:19:00 It's the very first of its kind supplement line, offering solutions at every life phase. So her life stages include formulas for PMS-immensarial, perimenopause, menopause, and postmenopause, and libido. In each one is doctor formulated by women for women. As someone who's currently in perimenopause, I found that their perimenopause supplements help with my night sweats and other symptoms. Like literally nothing else has helped but I take these supplements every day. And their libido supplements also offer powerful support for enhancing arousal, sexual satisfaction, and natural lubrication. Now these statements have not been evaluated by the FDA and they're not intended to diagnose or cure or prevent any disease. I can only share with you my experience. So let's start taking care of our bodies
Starting point is 00:19:46 at all stages of life. And to celebrate the launch of their new Her Life Stages supplement line, Solare is offering a 20% off discount if you use the code 20, stages at That's And code 20 stages for 20% off. All right, we'll be right back.
Starting point is 00:20:05 When I ask people, so what's your biggest turnoff? They often say hygiene. And while there's a lot to be said for our natural odors, sometimes it's best to make sure you feel fresh all over your body. So I'm gonna let you in on my latest discovery for smelling better naked, and that is loomy. It's the whole body deodorant that is safe to use
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Starting point is 00:21:23 That's over 40% off. Trust me, your body and everyone That's over 40% off. Trust me, your body and everyone else around you will thank you. Let's talk to George, 25 in Tennessee. Hey George, tell me what's going on. Yeah, so it's a loaded question. I'm not going to lie. At first I was going to talk specifically about, I think, what are the symptoms of my
Starting point is 00:21:50 issues, which can sometimes be ED. It can sometimes just not really feeling a sensation. It can sometimes be an hour of sex, but no orgasm. But I think going all the way back to the first time I've had sex, I've always felt the pressures of it. And I grew up in a house of women and always wanted to be the person that was respectful to women.
Starting point is 00:22:14 I was not into hookup culture. And so I think when it came to sex, I was very passive. I was never in a household that was not sex positive, but I applied some self shameshame, I think, to the point now where sex kind of occupies this space of my mind of something that feels unnatural, something that isn't for me. So I can probably count on one hand
Starting point is 00:22:38 how many positive sexual experiences I've had. I'm in a long-term relationship. I'm also in a long-distance relationship where I'm trying to take the time that we're apart to work on myself so that when we're together, I can be more improved and have processed some of the insecurities that I may have. And just wondered what your thoughts were for somebody with that type of history on how they can change their sex life for the better. Thank you for sharing all of that.
Starting point is 00:23:05 So I'm trying to understand your sexual history. In most your relationships, did you have some kind of, like you said, it was ED or delayed ejaculate or you wouldn't eject? So, oh, yeah, I'll provide more context there. When I was 15, I lost my virginity and I did not have an orgasm. And then I didn't have sex for a year after that. And hindsight, it was clear that I was doing it to get it over with.
Starting point is 00:23:28 And then I think I had an orgasm one time out of the many times that me and my partner had sex. Flass-forward six years of not having sex. That's when I started to get into my head and really starting to reflect that I don't feel desirable. I don't necessarily feel that sex is for me. My experiences have shown me that.
Starting point is 00:23:50 And so it was a part of my life that I ignored. And I listened to your most recent episode around why can't I orgasm? And I feel like I learned a lot from that of like that six year period. Was that the time that I rewired my body of this is how you like experience pleasure and now if I have sex with someone or if I put a condom on my dick it's like what what is going on yeah like in those six years were you masturbating were you using your hand were you watching porn I masturbated with my hand and it's probably once every two weeks honestly okay and it was more of a means to an end,
Starting point is 00:24:26 not necessarily enjoying myself. There's a lot going on around sexuality and feeling that it's okay to be sexual. Maybe there's some shame around being a man even. But having these messages from childhood and it might feel like it's not safe to really be yourself and to let go, maybe you have fear around what could happen. And so you've just created this whole world inside of you where it's not safe, there's
Starting point is 00:24:54 shame. And as a result of that, it just has built upon each other to become this whole thing that's not allowed. And to the point where I can't be in the moment and I'm just in my head thinking, now it's am I going to be hard? Like, literally if I, even if I'm by myself and I get like somewhat of an erection, I'm like, can I hold it? Like, so your brain, like you say it all the time, like your brain is your most powerful
Starting point is 00:25:18 sex organ, right? So I'm like practicing mindfulness and trying to get grounded. But at the same time, I think that there's more than that that I have to unpack. I think some mindful masturbation could be really great for you where you're really practicing. You're not using porn. You're not using anything. You're just lying back and you're experiencing with your hand. You're really like thinking about touching your body and what feels good to you. Slow. it's breathing, it's bringing your mind back
Starting point is 00:25:46 when it's wandering, like you're gonna get hard, you're not gonna get hard, you just go back to your breath and back to the moment, like that is the practice. And maybe 20 times in 20 minutes, your mind might wander, but to me, you're very clear and articulate, you're passionate about the emotional side of this and your relationship with your partner and you're passionate about your emotional side of this and your relationship with your partner and your passion about your own challenges. So I feel like it is mindfulness and it might
Starting point is 00:26:11 be some therapy to impact some of these early messages. But how honest are you with your girlfriend about these things? Probably too honest. Okay. Good. No, I mean, I love that. Yeah. No, I mean, communicate a lot about it. And I'm extremely honest honest. Okay, good. No, I love that. Yeah, I mean, like, we're... I love that. I love that. Yeah, no, we communicate a lot about it, and I'm extremely honest. I think you've given me tools
Starting point is 00:26:30 to have different types of conversations at this point, which has been extremely helpful. Like, talking about sex like this, like, I wouldn't have done this three months ago. So I think that in and of itself shows some sort of progress. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it feels like you've been doing this your whole life. What I think that's really, you are natural.
Starting point is 00:26:52 You know, also a great tool for a lot of people who are stuck in their heads is focusing on your partner's pleasure and taking the focus off your own. I know that you said you're not together right now, but I found some men who have ED have found such a young man. Focusing on your partner, giving them pleasure and just taking the pressure off yourself. Like in a way, when we get stuck in our heads, it's a very self-absorbed. We all do it, but way of being, but once we give, that's why they would
Starting point is 00:27:16 say giving is better than receiving and help others. You really can't be worrying about yourself, but that would be a practice too of just making sure you're showing up for them. And then you might, where I've noticed that a lot of men I talked to, they're like, oh, look at there he is. There's my erection. It came back because you're not obsessing about it.
Starting point is 00:27:33 And that's mindfulness. Because in that moment, you are focused on your partner's pleasure. You're literally not thinking about anything else. And you've listened to my mindfulness practice of thinking about the environment. If you were doing mindful masturbation, you'd say, my hand is on my penis. I'm hearing my playlist or just into my breath,
Starting point is 00:27:50 and you anchor yourself in the senses. But when you're pleasuring someone else, and you're really present, your mind is free and you're focused on the moment, really. Doesn't that's what mindfulness is? I mean, maybe getting a practice around it, if you could take a class or join others, that makes mindfulness practice a lot more powerful, but it really is like exercise. It's like working out. I have to do it every day. Yeah. I really like that idea. Another nugget from one of your episodes, I want to do a day where all we do is focus on you, right? And then part of it too is I am a pleaser to my core.
Starting point is 00:28:25 And I think that comes all the way back to me, not necessarily knowing what to do. And so I've always been like, I want to make sure that you have a good experience. So I think the idea of giving, having a time worth giving her and focusing on her pleasure, but then also a time for me to just like, don't worry about a thing. Just explore, like have my partner explore my body and have that experience as well. Right, exactly. Split it. You deserve it as well. And people pleasing is oftentimes in a response to an environment where we're using it as a mechanism to make peace, to not get in this way. And so you might want to look, I'm a people,
Starting point is 00:29:04 please are in progress working on that, but I'm saying I get it. Looking at all of those things, like you can give to them, but making sure I love what you said, that then it comes back to you. And maybe you need that, maybe in the moment when there's too much going on with sex, you take that off the table.
Starting point is 00:29:17 You're like, we're gonna have a night with you and then a night with me. These all sound like really great tools that you could really put into practice. Yeah. Thank you so much. Honestly, it's, it's good. It's good just to talk about it out loud.
Starting point is 00:29:31 And that's a practice I'm trying to do, let alone with somebody like yourself, who's already helped me. Oh, I'm so glad it's been helpful really. And it's really nice to talk to you. And I'm so glad that this is working. And this is just another step along the journey. I'm glad you're taking it. You're really taking it seriously and calling in
Starting point is 00:29:46 and let me know how it goes. It's for good to you. Sounds good. Okay, thank you. Great to meet you. Bye. People pleasing, let's talk about that for a minute. This is from the Holistic Psychologist
Starting point is 00:29:56 if you follow her on Instagram. People pleasing is unconscious manipulation, she says. So it's a very common trauma response, especially in women. We have a need we want to be met. We want to be liked. We want to feel needed. We want to appear easy. You know, we don't want conflict. We want to keep someone happy in our lives. And so since we're not advocating for ourselves and asking for our own needs, that leads to resentment. And if we're not being appreciated by someone else, we get resentful because we're not being appreciated by someone else,
Starting point is 00:30:25 we get resentful because we're not being appreciated or we feel like we're being taken for granted. It's not a trait that really actually serves us if you think about it. But if you know that your people please are, you probably know that there's something you wanna do about it to fix it. The first step is getting clear on your needs,
Starting point is 00:30:42 getting very specific on your needs, and then asking for what you want without apologizing, without making excuses, and being okay if someone gets mad. So it's all about being conflict avoidable. When you're avoiding conflicts in your people pleaser, can you see that loop there where you're never really advocating for yourself,
Starting point is 00:31:02 but then you get upset that you're not getting your needs met. And then we start relying on other people to take care of us. But then this is where resentment comes in. And then we start to lose our own sense of what we actually need. We start trusting ourselves and our own inner wisdom when we're constantly outsourcing our needs to others. This is from Karine32 in Canada. Hey, Dr. Emily. I met this guy through an online dating.
Starting point is 00:31:30 We hit off immediately by taking his throw through chat and it never progressed to sexting. But we've been hanging out now for eight weeks and things are still moving slow. We've discussed some desires and interests like shabari, which is rope tying, and stuff. And so I think we can have some great chemistry in the bedroom. However, after all this time, we've only hugged four times. I did try to address this with him through text by explaining I'm sexually submissive and passive. I enjoy a partner who's dominant and assertive.
Starting point is 00:32:01 And I texted him explaining that I'm consenting of whatever happens next, but we still haven't kissed. My friends tell me just to jump his bones, but the thought terrifies me having a hard time wrapping my head around trying to be more sexually assertive. I've even considered breaking up with him, even though I really like him. But since we haven't kissed yet, I'm not sure there's even a romantic spark.
Starting point is 00:32:25 Should I cast aside my preferences of a sexually assertive partner and just jump his bones or move on to someone who's more willing to give me what I want? Alright, Karim, this is interesting. You've let them know what you want and it's been eight weeks of hanging out and nothing's happened. So I think rather than just leaving and getting frustrated, this is what you got to do. Next time you're hanging out, say, I've just been fantasizing about kissing you I've been fantasizing about what it feels like about your hands on my body To me. That's an excellent unwrap. You are passing in the baton. You're saying this is what I'm thinking and at that point Let's see what happens if he doesn't do anything and he just stares at you
Starting point is 00:33:01 You could say have you thought about that And just see what happens. Listen, maybe he's terrified. Maybe he'll say, oh wow, I didn't know that you really wanted it. You know, who knows what goes through people's heads, but that is giving him an entree in the moment, not just through texting. Maybe he's terrified too. Maybe he likes you so much that he freaks out and he goes home at night and he's like, I can't believe I didn't try to kiss her again. Put it out there when you're together, then you're taking the risk and you're giving him the opportunity to make the move.
Starting point is 00:33:30 So he had nothing else lose here. It's been two months. Go for it, Karine. You got this. We have Sadie, 32 in Boston. Hi, Sadie. How can I help you? Uh, an experience that I had recently and kind of a casual sex hookup situation with this guy that I met that I was just really attracted to.
Starting point is 00:33:49 I've been trying to learn like what my kinks are and like what I'm into and all of that is new language for me. So I grew up in the evangelical church and for 10 years of my life had decided not to have sex and was looking for the one and had a very romantic concept of intimacy and relationships, which I've done a lot of work on, looking at what that came from and where some fears were coming in. Anyway, so in recent years, I've been more open to not just casual sex, but just trying to understand who I am sexually and what I'm into and just trying to educate myself in my own desires. I have the fantasy right in my mind that really turns me on when I think about it of like being dominated and playing as a sub and like exploring that and
Starting point is 00:34:39 then in the actual experience I got totally triggered. I froze. It was so bad. And I struggle to know how to communicate in those moments when that's happening to me and how to establish safety and parameters in casual situations. I just instinctively feel like, I don't, how can I establish? I don't have to tell you my story.
Starting point is 00:35:03 First off, you're doing a lot of hard work on yourself. You grew up in an evangelical church. You thought you were finding the one switching to now I'm gonna meet people and just be dominant and have casual sex. I think there's a little in between area where you gotta send yourself a little love and say, okay, I'm gonna slow this down
Starting point is 00:35:20 because it's really hard to, even a situation like that where this is just fantasies, no emotions, it's gonna be casual, that's really hard to do because you have to be able to let go and feel safe. If you've never met the person or you've only met him online or you had a quick connection, it's hard to get all those pieces together. So I think maybe there's a meeting up for a drink first or coffee or just another step, but it doesn't mean that you're forever a person either. And maybe there's a little bit of you just experimenting meeting people for like having a dinner,
Starting point is 00:35:50 having a lunch or a FaceTime chat or a Zoom chat where you're talking these things through. Cause it's kind of like the pendulum is, you're like, I'm going to over-correct it, which is very common thing that we do. We're like, I don't want to do it the way the church said, so I'm going to do it this way. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:07 There's probably some truth to that. In this situation, I did find myself going, okay, I probably need to explain to this person that I just got triggered or like, but I just didn't. I didn't say anything. It's like I was almost embarrassed that I wasn't this person I was playing that I was.
Starting point is 00:36:30 It was intense. It wanted to be that like sex goddess, like empowered person who just rolled in and was like, yeah. But. That's a journey. Yeah. But what part of that woman,
Starting point is 00:36:44 who is that woman who rolls in? Why is that attractive to you? Strength and the confidence, as I imagine it, ironically, is a person who's very comfortable communicating boundaries, desires, all of that. Whereas so often I feel really shut down or really afraid to say the thing or to say, actually, no, that's painful or I didn't like that. Have you been in relationships in the last four years? With a lot of like short term.
Starting point is 00:37:16 So really like my longest relationship was like 11 months and it was in college. Okay. So your whole life you grew up in this church and then you decide, I'm not gonna do it. But you have all these years of hearing this conditioning or not even having the practice of getting to be, I'm feeling like it's wrong. It'd be so nice that we could just flip a switch. And now we know how to be sexual,
Starting point is 00:37:42 but I think that there's just a little bit of practice and patience. I think you're going to get wherever you want to go because first off just saying no and being able to walk away from something that is such a big part of how you grew up in your family and maybe your neighbors and your community is that's a real active empowerment strength right there. And then I think having the rest of your life catch up to that, it's just gonna be a practice. But also have you had any therapy around this, around leaving the church and- A little bit.
Starting point is 00:38:13 Okay. I'd still say that there's more work. I think even this recent experience, okay, like I need to be seen. Yeah, exactly. The therapy I talk about a lot on this show is EMDR. Okay. It's eye movement desensitization repri- it's helped me with trauma I had.
Starting point is 00:38:30 It helps you kind of rewire your brain around certain things that you've- where you get charged. And so finding a therapist, it's- I know it sounds hokey, but it works and it's a very like proven therapy and I think it's Because in a sense it's probably is a little bit of traumatic to be like told one thing believing one thing and then leaving and leaving your community and your family and it's just On this is like solely in my hands and I'm working against a lot of really deeply held, and personally deeply held. I was never uncomfortable around sexuality. I'd had sex with my boyfriend when I was 17, 18, and we had an amazing relationship.
Starting point is 00:39:18 And I didn't ever feel any kind of shame or guilt about that. I wasn't, at least consciously, I wasn't beating myself up over that. And I remembered many years talking to friends who were having mad anxiety about having sex with their boyfriends. And I was like, I'd much rather you be having sex with your boyfriend
Starting point is 00:39:35 and being healthy than being this kind of anxious and depressed thinking something wrong. So I've always sensed that there was something off. But I think allowed myself to really personally explore. But I think, especially when I first started, it felt like there was like an abyss beneath my feet kind of floating. It was like my worldview and everything
Starting point is 00:39:59 that I was told that life and the world and these are the things that work out and this is what you need to do. And to kind of, oh, that was a lie. That is so tough. And how are you with your own experience, like orgasm and touch and masturbation? Is that stuff that you've-
Starting point is 00:40:14 Yeah, that's all so good for me. Good, good, good, good. I used to have a lot of shame about masturbation. I think I actually didn't have a fantasy life at all because I just had not let myself go there. And so I think that is why I'm like, oh cool, let's like see what I'm into. And I think, yeah, maybe taking it.
Starting point is 00:40:35 And you might still, maybe that person walked in and they did something that you were like, I was really excited for this, but the way they looked or they did something, sometimes that happens to me too. I'm all excited to see my partner. I'm like, oh, that was annoying. And then you get out of the mood, right? It wasn't just you.
Starting point is 00:40:48 Maybe yes, you got weird about something, but there could be so many things that it could have gone wrong in that moment that you just changed your mind or it was fear. We just don't know. So I feel like you're doing all the right things. So keep a journal about it. And I think again, no matter what, even if it's casual, having someone that you feel safe with, that you can settle into the roles of this is what we're going to play with and this is what we're going to do, it is helpful. So maybe
Starting point is 00:41:10 this person just wasn't it either. So my advice is to keep just doing your work and communicating and even calling in right now. This is so honest and open and just the practice of talking about it is helpful, I think for everyone. I was nervous. You did great. Yeah. They're talking about it. It's helpful, I think, for everyone. I was nervous. You did great. Yeah. But I, yeah, this is really cool.
Starting point is 00:41:28 I was like, oh, OK, yeah, we'll talk about it. Well, I'm here. I hope this is helpful, because I know this is going to help a lot of people too. Thank you for calling in. I really appreciate it. All right, of course. Keep going.
Starting point is 00:41:40 Thank you. Bye. You guys, I'm a huge fan of therapy for all situations and it especially ones like this where you upended your entire life and chose a different path and realizing that we are lovable realizing that we are enough and Finding like-minded people and community to help us do the work along the way because believe me if you believe in yourself And that this is what you want and you're on the path, no one can knock you off that. This is from Shania. She's 19 in the UK. Hey Dr. Emily, I found you on Instagram a couple months ago and I love your posts. I've been sexually active for three years, but I still get really shy and nervous
Starting point is 00:42:22 about taking control in the bedroom. What tips do you have for me? First, let me normalize this. Everyone gets nervous about taking control in the bedroom, especially if we never had to do it before. Everything that's new to us, whether it's in the bedroom or in the boardroom or in the classroom, it's gonna make us nervous to take control of any situation.
Starting point is 00:42:44 You've only been sexually active for three years. How would you even know how to take control? So I would say first, how do you feel sexually in the bedroom? Besides taking control, do you, are you able to be with somebody and ask for your needs to get met? Do you know what pleasure feels like in your body? How comfortable are you advocating for yourself in the bedroom? And are you with partners that you feel safe with and that you trust?
Starting point is 00:43:07 Because if it's like a one-night stand or someone you just met, that might be uncomfortable as well. But I have to say, there's something to be said for that if you're not in a relationship now. If you are just experimenting with different partners, honestly, just take control and see what happens. Because it's the kind of thing like I could tell you all day here how to do it. Okay. I'm going to tell everyone how to take control in the bedroom. You go in there and you're like, what do I want to do in this moment? You're going to be in your body. You're going to think about what I want, what would feel good, and you're going to stop your
Starting point is 00:43:34 negative thoughts or saying, don't do that. That's awkward. If I start to grab this person and pull them on top of me or climb on top of them, that's going to be weird. You don't even think about that. You just do what you wanna do in the moment and see how that feels. And what helps with that is having a practice of meditation and figuring out how to stop those negative thoughts or telling you not to do things. I mean, the only way you get confident
Starting point is 00:43:58 is by actually feeling really uncomfortable, is by taking risks and failing and feeling really awkward and weird and maybe feeling like you did something wrong in the bedroom. And like all these things are what's going to help you and I could walk you through it but just I would say either risk it with somebody that you don't know or you do know or whoever you're sleeping with and see how it feels to take control. But what does it look like for you? Because taking control also could just mean you're like, hey dude, it's time for my orgasm. I need you to Because taking control also could just mean you're like, hey, dude,
Starting point is 00:44:25 it's time for my orgasm. I need you to please me right now. Or maybe you're thinking about taking control. You're the one who's directing the script in the bedroom. You're like, okay, now I'm going to get on top of you and ride you for an hour while I have my orgasm. It's about you following in the moment, what you want, what you need, what's sexy and hot for you, well, still making sure you're with a consenting partner, but really not worrying so much about
Starting point is 00:44:51 what they think as long as they're down and turned on and you're not taking advantage of them. So you're going to get confident, you're going to get comfortable with it by experience and honestly, being with partners that you feel good about, that you trust, and that make you feel like the best version of yourself. So you can have fun together and play together. And maybe one time you take initiative, and the next time they take initiative, and then you talk about it. Say, what about last night?
Starting point is 00:45:14 What did you like about that? What felt good? How were you with me taking control? You were taking control? Yeah, that time I crawled on top of you, and I put my legs in the position that felt good to me, that felt like control. Take risks, everyone.
Starting point is 00:45:26 Take calculating risks, meaning don't be reckless. Don't just go off and get wasted and go have sex with someone. You're going to learn a thing by taking risks in the bedroom and doing you before you do someone else. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast
Starting point is 00:45:47 and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739.
Starting point is 00:46:15 Or go to slash AskEmily. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at Have you been looking to add a little magic to your masturbation game? Allow me to introduce you to Magic Wand, the original wand massager that's been delivering incredible orgasms, trust me, since 1968.
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