Sex With Emily - Best Of: The Break-Up Break Down

Episode Date: April 25, 2015

This classic episode of Sex With Emily is all about breakups.  Emily welcomes licensed therapist and author Dr. Rachel Sussman who wrote the book on getting over break ups - No seriously, she wrote a comprehensive guide to ending relationships called The Breakup Bible! Emily and Rachel get into the nitty and gritty of breaking up, including the RIGHT and the WRONG way to deal once the relationship has ended. From Facebook stalking to overtexting, Dr. Rachel addresses some of the common post-breakup behaviors. She and Emily go over the importance of acceptance, self-esteem and, believe it or not, sex drive! Get some pointers on how to move on from a breakup fluidly, and spot negative relationship patterns in your past on this week’s 2012 classic Sex With Emily podcast! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kinda cute. The girls gotta understand it so much. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Evelyn? What do you mean like laundry? It's drinks? And we not talk about sex so much.

Are you kidding me? I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. You think she kinda kids. The world's got a hersthenics. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Is it a common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? And we not talk about sex so much. Are you kidding me? Oh my god. I'm so proud.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information go to sexwellne.com where you can watch and listen to the show. You can watch this. If you're listening, you can watch a video. It's very exciting.

It's me talking to camera. Hello, hello. And today's show, we is about breakups. The breakup Bible. We have the author Rachel Susman on the show. It's the guide to healing from a breakup or divorce. I thought this would be relevant. A lot of our listeners break up, right?

They get in the rush, ships, they break up. I've been gone through breakups. So we're going to talk about that. We've got sex, the news and we're reading your emails that you sent to feedback at sexzemy.com. You can follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, sex with Emily and menace at white menace all those places too. Everything. Everything. How you doing menace? I'm good. I had an amazing weekend. Yeah, I Wanted and saw hunger games. Yeah, that was cool. Was good. Yeah, I haven't seen you for a while. I miss you. I know. I know right. Well, I'm gonna get all into my Vegas trip on a Friday show, but okay. Not right now,

But I'm gonna tell you that today's show is brought to you by Crave. This same company that bought you the Crave Vespr necklace has been in the factory whipping up a brand new high quality sex toy that will blow your mind. But first, they need your feedback to make this revolutionary toy the best it can be. We all know the most appealing characteristic we look for in a vibrator is how it vibrates. This is why the mindset Crave decided to put

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popular vibrating patterns as chosen by fellow flex users. The earlier you pre-order your exclusive flex series vibrator the better deal you'll get so go to craved.tilt.com and get involved in the craved movement now. So anyway, yeah, here I am. So the guy I've been dating has been out of town and I've been spending lots of time with my dog and she sleeps on my pillow and it's really cute. And I kind of don't really miss him that much.

I just like love my dog. Is that sad and wrong? That's weird. I actually got a text message from another show today. And Ellison was like, oh yeah, there was this girl I was dating, but her pit bull slept in the bed with her, and her bed's stink, like the dog. So my dog's little and not stinky. Your dog stinks.

Just because she farted on you one, so does it mean she stinks all the time. She is. Fowl. Don't be mean about my dog. Okay, I don't appreciate it. Dog is foul. So yeah, so that's what's going on. And we've got lots of stuff going on with the website and changes. And if you check out our site, see what you think. If you got any suggestions to the show and a guest you want to hear topics you want to hear about, you can always email us at feedback at sexwithamely.com. This is funny. We had a topic last week about,

it was the last week, my mind is all over the place, about deal breakers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my friend heard it and he's like, oh yeah, back in the 90s, you know, Coupons were big. Well, they had a resurgence, but he's like, yeah, I try to take this girl to black Angus

and be all nice to some extent, but I busted like, yeah, I try to take this girl to black angus and be all nice I'm like, I busted out a coupon and she made fun of me and we totally didn't even mention that one. That's a bad deal breaker The coupon we've talked about this in the past if you got a coupon You can slip it to the waitress when the person's not looking but slipping a coupon when you're on a date is a total deal You totally slip a coupon. I would. I'm a Jew. We like coupons, but seriously Yeah, that was a fun show the breakup show. I want wanted to listen to it was last week at the break up show, the deal breaker show. That's one of my favorite topics because we posted on our Facebook page. We got so many responses in Twitter because people got a lot of deal breakers.

Things that piss them off. And I think that we can all learn from that. Like, oh, shit, I'm the one who talked on my cell phone during the meal. That's a deal breaker or whatever. Yeah, but it's a coupon ideal breaker for you if a guy brings a coupon. Yeah, I just think you see why because he's still paying for the meal I know but you're like oh be a deal breaker if if he Went touch on the meal, but now since the guys like saving a couple bucks. You're still making a big deal breaker That's not fair Can it be more surreptitious about it and like slowly like like quietly slip into the way address like I just don't think you would try but if you if you seen the coupon

then it's just it's just on the table yeah don't really yeah save your coupon for the night out with your buddies doesn't reflect it on you just stuff why why I don't want to go I don't know first day maybe if we've been dating for a little digger issue listen to me first date not a good idea if we've been dating for a while. For a whole digger issue. Listen to me, first date, not a good idea. If we've been dating for a while and he's like, babe, God, this great coupon. Let's go to this fun restaurant. I'm down. But first date, not good.

That just says you're like cheap or something. Even though coupons, I use coupons. I love coupons. You just want the first date. You don't want to be like, oh, he's using a coupon on me. I'm not good enough for the full price. I have gift cards to Taco Bell. I'll bet you do.

Do they send you them because you're always complaining about Taco Bell? No, I'm never complaining about Taco Bell. Not complaining, but you want that famous Taco back from the 80s or something. It was from 1997. It was called the four alarm double-decker Taco and they have yet to bring it back.

But that's besides the point. How did you get... You've like two funds for Taco Bell. What are they for $22 and like you could buy 100 tacos. Some like $20 worth of Taco Bell. I'm really excited about it. Oh, I want to go with you. Do you? No. No. I was a cocktail waitress in college at University of Michigan. And I was a cocktail waitress for four years, and they had a Taco Bell in the bar, like a little Taco Bell counter.

So we got Taco Bell at 2am when the bar closed every night, and I've never been able to eat Taco Bell since. I mean, then it was good, because we were always drinking on the job, too. So we were drunk and eating Taco Bell at 2am. And I'm just kind of over it. I never was, I've never been able to go back to Taco Bell. Sorry to say.

So that's how it is. But I've got a little bit of sex in the news for us here, if you'd like to hear it. Free plastic surgery for Brazil's poor. Sounds like something Maria and Twinett might say, if they're going to beg, they can at least be nice to look at. Free Botox and laser hair removal, free chemical peels and anti-cellulate treatments may at first seem shockingly frivolous in a country like Brazil which despite great economic growth in recent years still battles extreme poverty and diseases but the philosophy behind the more than 220 clinics that treat the poor beauty is a right and the poor deserve to be ravishing to wow I want to go there and get some

Botox Brazil has some of the most beautiful women in the world and now even the poor even more beautiful than ever. Oh, damn Brazil I just heard it's very dangerous to visit there. Why oh dangerous dangerous like not safe for a traveler But I would love to go there. I was there once. So it was amazing Okay, one in five would give up sex rather than the internet a Global survey of 20,000 people found out what modern man will forego in order to keep his internet.

At the top of the list, booze, chocolate, and sex. 73% would give up alcohol to go online, but only 10% of people would want to give up their car. 12% would give up coffee, coffee, and a resounding 20% would give up sex over an internet connection. But the top of the list, 73% would give up alcohol. That's amazing.

Only 20% sex, though, so that's not that high. I wouldn't give up sex, but when I want to get online, I want to get online, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I want to give up any of that for sex. No. No. Okay, well, that's what people would say. You wouldn't give up any of that for sex.

You wouldn't give up anything for sex. I mean, I want to give it up, you know, saying, I'll give up the internet so I can have sex. I would. People love those stories. There's always like, would you give up? Would you rather have a new pair of jeans or sex than women always choose jeans?

Or would you have with chocolate bar or sex? No, no, no, I rather have sex in any of that stuff. Oh, good, honey. I'm glad to hear that. The only reason I'm on the internet so much is for work. It's just building a network that's all I care. Except for on the weekends when you're Instagramming and tweeting all week.

It's fun, yeah. I don't find it as fun as you do. You don't? No, I don't know. That's what you do. I spark a lot of conversations because I reply back to people. You just don't.

I reply back not every single person, but I reply back. I don't have time. I'm Twitter on Facebook. You do? You don't see me respond? Well, you can't unless I'm following that person. So. All right. No, no, I do. I do It's part of the biz

Katy Perry botches brazen hookup attempt the single siren probably thought it was a good idea passing out a phone number to the various cute Studs she's just spotted at the chis she she she she asked her parties including Elton John's annual bash But miss siren scheme She asked her parties, including Elton John's annual bash, but Miss Zyron scheme backfired big time. Friends of reported that Katie got calls from a lot of creeps and drunks after the guy she gave her number two were passing it on to the other guys. What? So she gave her number to some hot props and they were like, hey, you want to call Katie

Perry? I feel like kind of a loser, some drunk guy calls you. Yeah, it's just really Katie bear. It's really, really got you number. Yeah. Yeah, that's all right. Any other. It's really, really got your number. Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. Any other news that you got on your TMZ reports? Uh, nothing like sexual really is going on.

Did you see last week that Kim Kardashian got all the powder on her? Yeah, what was that about? Just because she was wearing fur? Yeah, but I don't really ever see her wear fur I guess she was and they threw powder on her. I guess she wasn't wearing fur right then she wasn't I thought she was some crazy chick Poor powder on her which I guess it was flower. Okay, and said called her a fur hagg Wow, I mean I'm wearing a faux fur today, but that's, you know,

most people wear faux fur. I mean, I couldn't even afford a real fur, but not that I would buy one at all. OK, we've got some emails from the peeps. So thanks everyone for emailing us at feedback at sexwithemily.com. You can also email us right through the website and stuff like that.

OK, so hi, Emily. I'm wondering if you have any suggestions about my problem. I'm 41 and my girlfriend is 50 and I'm extremely attracted to her, but when we get into bed, I can only perform a little at a time and often lose my erection. I don't understand this since I'm able to stay hard while enjoying porn, but I'm not able to go all the way when making love to her. Please help. Any suggestions will be appreciated, although also I do finish when she performs oral,

but like I said, when we start actually having sex, I have a problem. Thanks Kenneth from Nebraska. So I'm wondering, do this problem just start? You've been together, your girlfriend's 50, you're very attracted to her. So I'm not sure if this is a lot of times when men lose their erections,

it's like kind of something psychological happens when they're going inside there and maybe it happened once and so it's happening again. And so if you can get out of your head literally and just kind of focus on the sensations that you're feeling, it might not happen. Like I really feel that if it happens once to a guy or a woman, something happens actually,

that we keep thinking in our mind that it's gonna to happen again. But you should also get checked out by your doctor. You could have some pills you could take, you could take Viagra. I don't always go towards the pills as the first thing, but I would get checked out. I would ask your doctor to see if anything else is going on. But the fact that you can stay hard during porn leads me to believe that it is more of a psychological issue.

There's a book that I always talk about called the multi-organismic man and that really helps men. If you read this book, you could probably download it if you're kindle or something too, There's a book that I always talk about called the multi orgasmic man and that really helps man. If you read this book, you could probably download it for your Kindle or something too or your iPad or wherever people read books these days. And you can check out the book. I think that would be really helpful. But I mean, at least you're finishing when she performs oral, but it's just the inner

course that ever happened you. Maybe what's going on down there, you know, if you want a hotdog down a hallway. What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? Is Heath bring a hotdog? Oh, you mean she big? Yeah, maybe, you know, she's a little bit older, had a lot of experience.

No, minus, that is the dumbest thing. That's not even true. How is that not even true? That women's vaginas are bigger and looser, and I don't know. How is that not true? I don't think so. Why do you have cagal camp if that's not true? Cagal camp is not to close your vagina up.

It's to strengthen your PC muscles. It's totally different. It's muscles that you need. You need to contract and release them and exercise them to have stronger orgasms. What happened to them then? Well, everyone needs to strengthen them. He's talking about my app cagal camp, which you should download right now from the iTunes store. And it helps men maintain their actions.

So this is for Kenneth too. If you do your exercises five minutes a day, Kegel, so for men and for women, they will help you with their sex life, I promise. And it's not because it doesn't make your vagina smaller. It just makes the muscles stronger so you can tense and relax them when you're having sex. All right. Menace.

Okay. Hi, Emily. I'm 17. And my boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We have a great relationship, but we're having a bit of a problem in the bedroom. I sweat a lot. We have only started having intercourse, but rather recently, so it has never been an issue before.

We are getting intimate. But now it's becoming a huge problem. So much of these becoming turned off by it. He said that it didn't bother him that much, but I can tell it's getting on his nerves. One, the world can I do. Sylvie from Hamilton, Ontario, California. Okay, so I've heard of excessive sweating and there are a lot, does it only happen when you're in the bedroom or does it happen like in your day-to-day life, like if you're nervous or if you're at work or something or at school? But there's some things you can do for excessive sweating. They actually prescribe Botox.

Yeah. So they look expensive, but you can like shoot it in your armpits and it'll stop your sweating for like three, four months at a time. But I would definitely go to your doctor and get checked out. There's also, if you're taking any meds, like any depressants, that can cause excessive sweating as well. So I'm wondering if you've mixed anything up lately that could cause the sweating, but I don't know why that would turn them off.

But that turned you off of woman with sweating a lot during sex? Uh, during sex now. No, it's kinda hot. More of the more, you're all slippery and stuff, but I'm wondering if it's happening at other times in your life too. Of course you gotta do the laundry after I don't wanna clean this. Yeah, Amanda doesn't like dirty sheets

and you gotta do the laundry, but um, you know, sometimes I sweat during sex. I'm wondering you live in Ontario, it's not so cold, it sounds a little hot there. So I would get checked out by your doctor because there are some people that just have those genes that make them excessively sweat. Yes, that's a...

And I hear Botox. Botox. MTV did a whole special on it. On excessive sweating? Yeah, you should Google it. And what did they say to do? Well, there's not too much you can do but they did talk about the Botox thing and stuff like that.

Yeah, I mean, it's expensive. It's a couple hundred bucks, but you shoot in your armpits, you don't sweat. Try that out. Okay, dear Emily, also want to say, I'm thinking about something as a possible show topic, confidence. You've mentioned it once before,

but maybe it bears repeating in a more detail. I had a girlfriend who was on the heavy side when I was in college, but I think she was so confident it didn't matter. She was fun to be around, and I think I would have picked her over somebody who was slimmer, not saying not to be healthy, just that self-confidence is great,

and I think important for men and women. Have a great weekend, Greg from Denver. Well, Greg, we talk about that all the friggin' time. Confidence is so, so important that it's actually the number one thing that people say is attractive in a man and a woman. And we could do a show topic on that, how to cultivate confidence.

A lot of it has to do with getting deep into your own issues and realizing what's making you have low self-esteem and insecurities, but that really is. We all hold ourselves back in life. If you look at most of life circumstances, the things that hold us back as our own fears and our own fears are related to our own insecurities and our insecurities are related to our confidence. So you have to cultivate confidence.

Yeah, and just not overconfidence because you're coping with- Don't be cocky. Yeah, you're coping with, no, some are just like, I don't know really how to explain it, but some people are trying to hide that they're not confident, so they're like overly confident,

but not in a cocky way, but it's kind of hard to explain, you have to be around it, but. Right, I mean, people who are, like they don't have that much confidence, but I'm gonna show everybody that I'm confident. That still shows that you're insecure if you're over-confidentating and not really confident.

I mean, I had to work on it. I wasn't always the most confident, but I feel like I'm pretty confident now. But I think it comes with getting older and like recognizing your weaknesses. We all have weaknesses, we're not perfect. And I think it also comes from this notion that we're supposed to move around here in one chair.

I think it comes to this notion that we all think that we have to be perfect and that all of our weaknesses make us less and so. And I think if you learn to celebrate your weaknesses and be like, I think half of the battle in life is that you've got these weaknesses and you've got things that your challenges and your challenges in life don't really change,

but it's embracing them and then going towards your strengths. Like, what am I really good at? And how can I blow that up? Like, I think it worked too. Like, I'm really like my passion and what I think I'm good at is doing the radio show. Like, dealing with the website, the billing, and the invoicing, that stuff, I hate. You got to have other people do that stuff for you. So eventually, you just go through your strengths, right?

Don't you feel like you're a job? You get to play with your strengths? Yeah. Like, I hate writing. So I have my system right. Exactly. All my stuff for me. I don play with your strengths? Yeah, like I hate writing. So I have my system right all my stuff for me. I don't love writing. I like writing. But I still have time. Do you try to receive emails not written by me? But but but I'm so sad. I'm so sad because I thought they were all from you and then I sent you

naked pictures and then it went to your thing. Whatever. Oh, I never saw them. You never saw the naked photos? Your your your your your assistance been keeping on? She's see blocking. now, so I'm screwed. Okay, she is. You can't write a word when she's on the top. But what I'm saying is a lot of people, this is the thing with confidence. A lot of people would be like, wow, you can't write. That sucks. But like, you're like, I don't like writing. I'm not a writer and you get people to do things for you.

Or you just like, don't get a job where you're writing or you get someone else to help you. So I just think that why people aren't confidence because I think that you're perfect and you don't have to be perfect. So or you just like don't get a job where you're writing or you get someone else to help you. So I just think that why people aren't confidence because I think that you're perfect and you don't have to be perfect. I know. I know.

People are like, well, just don't be whiny about it. Like, oh, I can't do this. I can't do that. Some people get all down about like, I know, I know, I know. But confidence in self-esteem, they also say for sacks if you're not confident in your advice of steam that that really reeks havoc in the bedroom to so i think that's a great topic right and we're going to do a show all about confidence do it i love it okay we can get our guest on the phone in the minute she wrote a

book called the break up bible it says it's a smart guy to healing for a from break up or divorce she's a licensed therapist Rachel susman wrote the book. And every year it says, one million women divorce in the United States and millions of others break up, even with many experiencing heartache, spending women feel isolated and alone. So this is how to help people get through breakups. And she uses three phases of healing, understanding, and transformation. And we're going to get into some of her questions.

We're going to answer some questions about this book and how you can get over breakup because we all go through breakups, right? I know guys have an easier time doing breakups so they think I believe that men are like delayed on breakups. Like they just go on bang everything and then six months later they get upset but women deal with them in the moment. It's true. Women deal with breakups in the moment.

So let me tell you about something that you need to buy, ASAP, that will change your life, change your sex life. Massage candles. So candles are great for sex. We all know that, for setting the atmosphere, you lay the candle, sets the mood, because who wants those bright overhead fluorescent lights?

These are a room with therapy candles, and they're amazing, but there's a trick to them. They're actually massage candles. They look like a regular candle, but these candles melt into the most amazing, delicious, delicious massage oil, but it's not messy and oily and waxy or sticky or hot or anything.

The warm luxurious oil you can pour in your partner's body and give them the most like central massage or just pour it out and just feels great, it's soothing. And I've heard from listeners all over who are like, this is the thing that spiced up our life because it's a way to reconnect. Sometimes maybe you haven't been having sex in a while and you want to like just come back together

with some touch. Give her a great foot massage. Give them a back massage and they smell amazing. So you gotta get them, check them out. In fact, someone emailed me. He said, my girlfriend was skeptical at first, but agreed to try the warm oil on me first and gave me a back rub.

Then I reciprocated and we had amazing sex. She can not stop talking about how good the candle smells and how great the massage oil feels. And I'm convinced that the scent in the candle helped us through some of the barriers to sex that we have faced lately. So I created these candles so you can have the best sex of your life.

Check them out, go to emilyantone.com and use code sex with emilyave and you get 20% off your first order. That's emilyantone.com. Also, if this be going from April 21st to April 26th, you get a free down under comfort, which is our another amazing award-winning product when you purchase a Menagetwa candle set with coupon code comfort.

So check that out, April 21st, the 26th, get a free down under comfort when you purchase the Menagetwa candles, you can get all three of them with coupon code comfort. Hello, Trey Troll. Hi, Rachel. This is Emily and Menace from the Saxon Family Show. You're on the air. Hello. Hello. How are you, nice to speak to you. Nice the Sexual Family Show. You're on the air. Hello. How are you? Nice to speak to you.

Nice to speak to you too. Thank you so much. We were just talking about your book, The Breakup Bible. Yeah. And I think it's going to help a lot of our listeners. So I'm wondering. I'm certainly hoping to have that effect. Yes. I love it. I mean, because we get so many emails and people talking about like, how do I get over a breakup? How do I get back into it? I want to have have sex again but i'm not sure how to start having sex again so tell me about the story behind this book and why you wrote it

well i went through an experience about five years ago where so many of my clients friends and my sister had just gone through really bad breakups and divorces and i really was impressed with how some people recovered so well and they were putting in their time and they were using me as a confidant and they were moving on and going on to great relationships and I saw a lot of other people just making colossal mistakes. I like not doing the work to figure out why their relationship ended or what part they played in it or going out there and like furiously dating or sleeping with people right

hurt again and i think you know this is just a companion guide that every woman can use after a break up okay so what were some of the common issue you said that so people were doing a right people were doing it wrong so what was the wrong thing like i'm sure a lot of you can relate like oh my god i do that so what were some of the things that not wrong i think i think there are many of wrong things that right you know one of them is just not accepting that your break up

is over in the relationship with florida and just not being able to move on and that might include some stalking behavior right like you know showing up inside the person's office but over calling uh... over texting or trying to get your boyfriend to meet up with you when they clearly don't want to. I think that's a big mistake and it makes people feel simply awful about themselves in

their circumstance. Right. Exactly. And I found with a lot of women, a lot of my friends who've gone through breakups, I feel like it took them forever, if ever, to get to the point where they were willing to look at what their part of it was. And that's such a crucial thing that you made. Yeah, like they were like, oh, he's this, he's that, and they just wanted to go off and all the bad things that I did.

I'm like, okay, it takes two to tango, you're 50% part of this relationship. But when women are like raging with anger about someone, they just don't want to look at it, at themselves and what their part was it is a process it is and you know i've written the book in a building block fashion first there's healing then there's understanding and then there's transformation and healing is that early part of the break up where you just we have so many emotions cascading through your body you can feel

completely sad and overrought one day and then the next day it will be furious and then you can feel very embarrassed or ashamed or very guilty. And that is part of the process, just processing those feelings. And then when you're feeling a little better, then I move women into the understanding stage and I give them an exercise called creating your personal love map. Oh, I love it. That's when you can figure out why you were dating this person, how you both behaved in a relationship and how you're mourning your loss.

And I do have a whole chapter on accountability because if you don't understand the part that you played in the breakup, you're just destined to make both say this thing over and over again. Exactly. And it's such good lessons that you can learn that not just for the relationships, the issues you might have been making in the relationship, you're also making it work, you're also making with friends. So it's really about breakups, but I think it's also about

it's a really good self-discovery tool too going through these steps. Yeah, thank you so much for saying that because that's really what it is about. It is about self-reflection and And you're right about the patterns. I mean, we do the same things with our lovers that we do with our friends, sometimes our parents. And the more that you can be self-aware and take responsibility, you can really live a great life and a happier and a healthier life.

Exactly, it's a transformation. So. And I was gonna say, people can't stop breakups, correct? Because sometimes somebody wants to break up and the other person doesn't want to. There's nothing they can do about it, right? Well, I think that a lot of breakups happen because of, there's many different things going on in the relationship that might be causing that to happen. And you know, you can have good communication skills and try to communicate with your partner

to see if you're breaking up over the right reason. But if someone is hell bent on breaking up, they are going to do that. Right. And you can't do anything about it. You just got to look at what happened. Like you say, take this holistic approach to looking at the whole relationship. So you talked about healing as the first stage. And then understanding as a second stage, the second chapter, second part of the book.

Yes. So an understanding, what's that about? Well, understanding is that section where I really, you know, that's the love map. That's the love map. To get involved with their love map and to figure out where their relationship pattern started, how they developed the way they were why they even chose this person how they behaved in the relationship and then they can really start to see oh I see maybe this wasn't the best relationship for me to be in the first place right that's really you know your aha moment like it wasn't meant to be right and then

what about what is the the love map can you talk more about that can anyone do love map okay well I do love in the the personal love that i give you a whole diagram in the right shows you that there's that your personality is formed vis-a-vis four different areas one is like this is psychology which is kind of a attachment theory how you attach to different people and why like for instance very unbeknownst to many of us, if we had a critical parent, we might find ourselves attracted to a critical lover, not even realizing that that's what's going on.

And it's really also about how your self-esteem was born. I mean, you can come from a great family, but maybe you were teased as a child, or you didn't feel attractive, or everyone in your family was athletic, but you weren't. So I give you these different areas to trace, but culture you come from, how you feel about yourself, the way you were raised. And you know, this is really how we get to look at ourselves as a human being and say, well, wow,

I kind of don't have the kind of self-esteem that I want to be close with this. So I've been attracted to the wrong people, and it will really help you shift any patterns you can go out and date healthier men and have better ways to do it. You can make healthier choices. Right. And what about self-esteem?

That it's such a huge one for women and for men that if you have low self-esteem, do you think it really is about going back and figuring out where it came from and then how to build it? I mean, how do you help people build it because it is really something that not only impacts your relationships, but your sex life, a lot of women with low self-esteem are not able to have great sex lives. So how do you do that? How do you do that? Yeah.

But practice that women having sexual problems because they're not confident in their body or the way they look so they can't really get into that be their full sexual self you know i think that if you look back into your past and you look hard everyone will figure out why their self-esteem is as it is and you know having a high school-aged daughter and you can give a kid as much love as you can but then so much stuff happens exactly be a kid with a learning disability you can be a kid that you don't like the way your hair looks i mean i've had women say to me you know when i was in when i was in grade school i had the frizzy is hair you know right so it's a great really crazy things and it's sometimes

like i said you know from a great family but you have poor self-esteem for other reasons maybe through prejudice or poverty or all different kind of reasons and when you can figure out how yourself the steam was formed for other reasons, maybe through prejudice or poverty, or all different kind of reasons. And when you can figure out how yourself the steam was formed, that's when you can go about turning things around. Interesting. You know why you feel bad about yourself.

Then you can say, well, this kind of isn't a valid reason. Right. Or if I don't like the way I look, maybe I need to get to the gym and then I don't feel better about my body. Right, that's so good. That's so important. That's great to have a tool too for people to direct them I look maybe I need to get to the gym and then I feel better about my body. Right. That's so good. That's so important. It's great to have a tool too for people to direct them right to those key points that

made them insecure in the first place. What are some mistakes do people make? What are some of the common mistakes you think people make after a break? Another really common one over the last decade or so is of course the internet. Right. one over the last decade or so is of course the internet right and it's it's Facebook stalking or you know or spying on your acts through his Facebook posts through his tweets and I think it just gives you know gives us all more information than we need so I beg my clients and anyone reading this book I

say defrand them on Facebook. Defriend them, yes. Defriend, defriend, erase the phone number, erase everything, don't save old voicemails, don't save old texts, block them on your email. You need to really have a huge period of the Euro contact. Exactly. You really do. It's true, and it's the hardest thing to do because it's like an addiction.

It's like quitting a habit. It is an addiction. One of my clients confessed to me yesterday that she looks at her ex-boyfriend's Facebook status every single day. She said, it's killing her. She says, oh, he's going to parties. I've seen with other women. And what I say to women like that is compare yourself to other women in your circumstance who have moved on and are creating self-esteem

and they're doing a great job. Stop looking at him and what he's doing. I mean, he could just be doing that to make you jealous or because he's got nothing else to do. So he's just running around 24, 7, you know, going to parties because he doesn't know how to handle his feelings. But you know, you're, going to parties because he doesn't know how to handle his feelings. Right. But, you know, you're just subjected to wrong information.

Right. Exactly. You're a massacast, almost like going to the face of page every day. It's the only massacastast. And it's, you know, what people don't understand is that whatever result you're trying to achieve, it's just, it's not going to, it's going to backfire. It's not going to be good for you. Okay.

You're totally right. You got de-friendum. I know I've been i've been different and a lot of guys i've broken up with it next day wake up and i'm going to be a little bit you know what they did the right thing they did the right thing okay so what is the break up myths that you talk about that you'd like to dispel well i think that you know when women get broken up with or when they're thinking of breaking up uh... i all their fears come out

and then you hear a lot of these kind of stereotypes like all men are cheaters or all men like younger women or no one dates on the internet that you know only jerks are on the net so you know you hear all you know all those fears and kind of prejudices come out and they're not true uh... plenty of good men out there exactly i know a lot of wonderful couples who have met men on the internet uh... another uh...

that that women say to me is well all men just want to have sex you know what everyone wants to have sex and good sex is an excellent reason to be in a relationship that's a whole all men want to sex and a lot of women who want sex to so you've got to break through those myths that are like in your head exactly stopping you from moving forward and what if you're a woman has been cheated on and that's a really tough one to get over it is and i you know you can add a few months to your healing exactly exactly

because you know that that having your trust broken like that it's just universal it's really the dagger in the heart and especially if you really had no idea and then you find out that your boyfriend's or husband has been unfaithful and for some women they find out that it's been going on for a long time you know having that kind of trust broken it's just it really shatters your your your view of everything in the world. I mean people will say to me nothing makes sense anymore after finding out something right exactly you're

right it's really hard and it's hard to recover from but you can recover you can recover from all of this like everyone listening like you can you will get over it and you will get through it, it's true. So what are some common ways that sex can instigate a breakup or damaged relationships since we are a sex show? Yeah, sex can damage relationships. It can be something that brings people together,

it can also be something that breaks people up. And as I'm sure as you know, what I often see is sex drives that aren't kind of on the same page. Right. What do you tell more exactly? The other person wants it. Doesn't want it very much.

I mean, I had some woman tell me just recently she really likes to cuddle but she doesn't like sex. And you know, she came from a family where sex was just never discussed. And you know, you know, you got to work with someone like that but you know most couples in most couples are someone who wants sex more than the other way. Exactly. It's negotiation, it's communication, it's compromise, trying to work through it. I mean I think communication is one of the sexiest tools that a couple can have in a relationship. Absolutely. If some person doesn't want to have sex and they get shamed

and they feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, that's something a couple will start arguing about which can cause a breakdown. Exactly. It's like the elephant in the room. People like, they don't want to talk about the sex. That's your biggest issue. You've mismatched libidos and why are you talking

about your sex life? But they're not talking about it, but yet they'll make a little passive aggressive digs to each other. Exactly. I've heard so many men say if i can't get it from you well you know what you know where i'm going to get it and you know when and i've heard women really shame their boyfriends or husbands who who don't who have lower sex drive then they do yeah it's not just women people think it's the women's

stereotype and that's a man told a out of you know a lot of women want more sex and their husbands you know can or willing to give them or boyfriends and they just can really shame them and make them feel terrible about themselves which is a problem because that isn't that's the opposite of what they need they need to feel sexy they need to feel masculine right so like you said you know relationships can really go off track over six exactly and then what how do past messages influence our sex life so the past things that we've learned in our life sometimes they influence very positively and otherwise they don't i mean if you had a relationship that had some sexual problems in the past

you know you might just be bringing those same problems right into this new relationship you know it or it you know if you're a woman who's last relationship ended over sex or if you didn't have much of a sex drive and mean you know the time that you've broken up before you start getting again that's the time to get down to the bottom of that you know what is sex mean key what is it represent why haven't you been able

right to have a good sex life in the past and if you have you have to see sex purpose on your own that's what i always have people exactly if you've got your own issues on sex or keeps coming up in relationships you can heal your sex issues if you go to sex purposes amazing go to a sex service great books out there and then i find that even in today's age a lot of young women

and you know i work with women in the twenties and they just really you know have not explored what sex really means to them right or they've had a lot of drunk and hookups but not a single long-term sustained sexual relationship exactly a lot to learn a lot to learn there's no word i mean we teach it on the show but there's not a lot of places to offer people people to go right now women to learn about it so And you'd be embarrassed. People are embarrassed talking about it. Absolutely.

And that'll be the prize of me. Sometimes I'll work with a couple and they'll say, well, can we talk to you about this? And I'm like, what do you think? Exactly. What do you think you're here for? I mean, don't you think most couples need to talk about sex even if they're not breaking up? Sex is just a huge factor in relationships that couples just never talk about so it is and you know and

for couples that really understand about having sex it's part of the glue that keeps them together but you know couples that have sex very infrequently and let's be both have low sex drive and they're comfortable with that it can really be one of those factors that just keep you know I agree away at the fabric of the relationship that That's why I always say it does chip weight the fabric people like oh we're fine it's cool we like to do watch movies together and do other things I'm like no if you're not having sex you're not connecting on this deep intimate level that is so important and so

crucial to keeping that that that glue together in the relationship. And there's so much you can learn about your partner and your couplehood you know through through, you know, through having, you know, good sex and regular sex. And it's kind of like something you can joke about, you know, the next day or a couple days later, you know, oh, you know, well, you seem to like me last week when you, you know, or something like that. It's just can be something that, it can be humorous all the time.

Right. Exactly. It doesn't seem to be so heavy. Talk about sex. It could be a fun thing. Okay. One last question for you. You talked about the three stages.

We talked about healing. We talked about understanding. And the third one is transformation that you write about in your book, the breakup Bible. What happens in the transformation? It sounds great. The transformation is the really fun stage where you're starting to feel better and you feel that the breakup is somewhat behind you and you just you realize you're thinking about your ex less and you're starting to go out and do things and so what I really say to women is don't go right out there and date.

Use this time to really expand your life. Think about everything in your life. How about your career since career is so important to so many women. Are you happy in your job? Could there be more you could do to advance in your company? Maybe it's time you do a career change or something like that. If you're a woman who's been home with children after a divorce, you might have to go back to work. Take the time to figure out how you're going to do that. You need to re-educate yourself. you need to you know pull some old colleagues together

but also you know expand your mind take classes read expand your body well i mean that in a good right exactly exercise and you are exactly challenge your body join the sports team i mean go out for you know picked tennis lessons

so it's re travel uh... you know learn how to speak another language, take a cooking class. So by the time you get out there and you start dating again, you're really going to feel good about yourself. Whatever low self-esteem you might have been suffering from after the breakup, if you want to attract the right kind of guy, you've got to get out there as like the real thing right you've got a feel great you've got a look great and then you're going to attract confident men because confident men like confident women exactly it's so true because if you if you're one of those

people go from one to the next and one relationship to the next because you feel like oh god i'm you know it's going to heal this who i don't want to feel this pain of the break up so i'm just going to start dating again, which I used to do that in my 20s. I would go for one garden next, right? And I never had to heal.

I never had to heal from any past breakup. But this sounds like it's a great book that people can use just for any stage of relationships. I guess even if you're not dating, you're having a hard time, I think creating the love map and realizing where some of your weaknesses and your strengths are could be just a great tool for people. It really is and thanks so much for saying that Emily because we can all use to know more

about our relationship and where we came from. Absolutely. You don't need to have an individual therapist to do that. You can really just pick so much up from reading and reading this book you learn about your patterns and we all have patterns. We do. And it will make you healthier in a relationship. much up from reading and reading this book you learn about your patterns and we all have patterns. We do. And it will make you healthier in a relationship.

And it's also a great book if you've been single longer than you want to. Right. If you like, you keep, you're not meeting the right guys or you keep making the same mistakes. You know, do a love map, build up your confidence and then get back out there. And you know, I've heard so many women after they've worked my program say i know exactly what i'm looking for and he doesn't look anything right exactly i think i've been to work this program it's called the break up by will the smart woman's guide to healing from break up or divorce and

it's Rachel susman where can they buy your book what's the best place you can buy it anywhere wherever you're comfortable buying books i mean i love i love bookstores so So, you know, patronize your books more than you can certainly buy it online at Amazon or you can buy it right off of my website, which is www.RachaelAssusman.com. Okay, great. And we'll also have it on our website as well. Thank you so much, Rachel. We really appreciate it. We'll talk to you. Great talking to you too. Have a great day, of course. Bye-bye. Thank you. I want to do the love map. I really believe that the love map is so important for people because we all, people who get, you know, we get our thousands of emails from listeners who are like, why do

I date the same guy over again or why do I keep dating the same woman over again? But I always say go to therapy. But what I really mean is like work your issues. Like get into your pattern to you are why you date the certain way that you date and then kind of heal that and move on. And then you'll be attracted to the right kind of people. I think the people on healthy patterns, this will help you break your patterns. What do you think your map would look like? Oh, it would be all over the place.

I know my map though. I think that my love map would be, you know, I don't know, it's transformed over time, but I think I'm actually attracted to really healthy guys now. But in the past, maybe guys who are more caretakers or Guys who are a little needier because that made me feel good initially, but I didn't really want Needs guys No, I didn't work. I'm healed a lot since you've met me. I think I'm in a healthy place. All right. What would your map look like? My map

It will look pretty level. Oh Yeah, I don't know. No, no, no, I mean, I think my map would say, oh, I learned this from that relationship and learned this from that. Yeah, you just got, but the bottom line here is that we all need to learn from our past relationships. We all need to look at it. We do it and so just start banging every checker,

every guy you meet, take a pause, take a few months, take a few weeks and look at why it ended. What was my partner? You could blame the other person to the cows come home, but really, you had a partner. You're 50% of the relationship, and I think we can all learn from that. So, that's what we got for you today. Thanks, everyone, for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you?

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