Sex With Emily - Best Of: What to Expect When You’re Expecting a Threesome

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

In today’s Best Of episode, I’m talking about the #1, most-common fantasy: threesomes. I explore why threesomes can be hot and lay out some ground rules for making a threesome work. We talk about everything you should discuss with your partner before adding a third into the mix and the importance of aftercare (what happens after your threesome). I also share my personal threesome experiences, both the satisfying one and the one that didn’t go as planned. I describe what steps you can take to try and maximize everyone’s pleasure while indulging in this fantasy.Plus, I answer your questions about the hottest moves to try when penetration is off the table, what to do when you’ve gotten too involved with your neighbor’s 19-year-old son, and how to get the most out of masturbation using CBD, ethical porn, and fantasy.Show Notes:FetLifeFeeld#openFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I don't want you to think of sex as just the old in-now penetration. That's not what it's all about. And that is the thing about the threesome. It's not about the orgasm per se. It's about the experience of sex. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a male obsessed by sex. Eyes that mark our sacred institutions.

Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. In today's best of episode, I'm talking about the number one most common fantasy. Wait for it. Three Sums. I explore why three Sums can be hot and land some groundwork for making a three-some work. Along with my former producer Jamie, we talk about everything you should discuss with your partner before adding a third into the mix.

And the importance of aftercare, you know what happens after your threesome. That's important too. I also share my personal threesome experiences, both the satisfying one and the one that didn't go exactly as planned. I describe what steps you could take to try to maximize everyone's pleasure while indulging in this very popular fantasy. Plus, I also answer your questions about the hottest moves to try when penetration is off the table for a while.

What to do when you've got two involved with your neighbor's 19 year old son, you're going to like this one, and how to get the most out of masturbation using things like CBD, ethical porn, and fantasy. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode. Join me in setting an intention. You know, when you set out what you want to get out of listening this episode, I do it. I encourage you to do it while you're listening. My intention was to help you talk through and plan a successful threesome so you and your partners can enjoy the experience and enhance pleasure all around.

That's what we're all about, right? Pleasure. We also have some new articles on the website. This one I love, it's an Ask Emily. How can my partner and I try face sitting? You can check that out at sexwithemily.com. And also, if you want to ask me questions, no problem. Just call my brand new hotline. It's 559 Talk Sex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your

questions there or just message me. Sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. All you got to do is include your name, your gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. Alright everyone enjoy this episode. Alright so yeah every night we've been posting because we know you guys some of you want to call in, but we notice that sometimes there's just a whole host of questions about the same thing and recently it was three some so I thought it's a good time to brush up on your old three some tips. There have been lots of studies. In fact, you know, our friend was on the show who wrote the book about fantasies. He did the scientific research Justin Laymarler and he said that the number one fantasy

for men and women was actually type of three some. Mm-hmm. So multiple sex partners. Multiple sex partners. Multiple. It could be more than three. It could be four. Because I'm a fan of foursome. Emily is a fan of the foursome.

She is like trying to make it the new thing. I think it's more fun for everyone. I like that. One, four, three, one. Not the awkward one in the corner, filing your nails. So let's read the C-mow. Yeah. So this one in particular came to us from Marty, who's 57 in Indiana.

He writes Dear Emily. My wife and I have been married for 27 years. We watched Three Some Porn together and love it. We talk about having it, but I'm not sure if she wants to follow through. I'm really attracted to one of our good friends, but I'm not sure how to ask. What should I do? Ooh, okay. Marty, this is the perfect three-some-one to start.

We had a pick one. I'm glad we picked this one. Yeah. Okay, Marty, 27 years of marriage, amazing. I love that you're watching important together. I often say that's a great way to test it out. Three-some-s is something you want to tread lightly into that area.

And it's not something you do to fix a bad sex life. It's not something you do to bring yourself closer together. No, it's something you do when you are on super solid ground, which sounds like you're on solid ground because you're talking to it. You said you've talked about it. However, here's where I need to guide you. You don't want to bring in the good friend. You don't want to mention right away, hey, babe, I'm thinking of having a threesome and how about our hot friend next door? That is not something that you want to do at all. Because your partner's going to be thinking

that that's the only reason you're asking is because you want to be with the hot friend. I remember we don't hear anything after that. Nope. Threesome and then you put a name in there, all we can think is that's why you're asking me. So you really want to talk it all the way through with her, and since you're not sure Marty,

if she actually wants to follow through, you have to have the sex talk outside the bedroom, and say, I know we've talked about this a lot, you know, through dirty talk, and we've watched porn together, then we've pictured it. I think we should talk about if it's something we actually would want to go through with. See what she says.

Let her know what you think. Let her know that you'd think you'd be interested if she's something we actually would want to go through with. See what she says. Let her know what you think. Let her know that you think you'd be interested if she's interested. Because remember, this is when three-some conversations don't go well and this has happened more times than I can even count. Yeah, we should have a three-some. I think your best friend would be hot. Like Marty just said, I think this person would be hot. And that is never going to go well.

You're not going to talk. You're not going to get your girlfriend to have a three-some. This typically how it goes is your asking about your girlfriend. You're not going to talk, you're not going to get your girlfriend type of reason. This typically how it goes is your asking about your girlfriend. You're not going to get her there, but you can broach the conversation like, have you had any fantasies? Is it something you've been interested in? Have you thought about being with a third person with me here? Maybe they want to be with another man.

It's not always with the woman. That's how you start you start unpacking it slowly together. Then once you decide, okay, yeah, that would be interesting. Then you do some more dirty talking and role playing and you think, okay, well, how would it go down? What's off limits? What's on limits? You get to talk about boundaries.

So some example boundaries are like, we don't want the person to sleep over. We definitely, I don't want to see you kissing this person. I don't want to see you kissing this person. I don't want to see any penetration. And you want to make sure that you both have aftercare with a threesome. So are you going to connect afterwards and kind of talk it through and make sure you're both in a good space. It's really important, especially after this, to have aftercare because what if something went wrong and it didn't feel great to your partner.

Now the thing about this is when it goes right, it can be really hot for couples because they do what wants, it goes well, they feel great, they set boundaries, and then you kind of have it as built-in sex talk for a while. You're like, remember that time when this was going down with that woman, she was going down in you or that guy was, you know, doing that thing to you, that was really hot, and then you kind of play it through and you guys are always asking me for some, you know, sex talk advice. When you have really hot things happen you kind of play it through and you guys are always asking me for some sex talk advice. When you have really hot things happen in the relationship, they don't necessarily expire. I mean, I know couples who have had like one-three of them and they're like, oh my god, for

years, it's all we talked about. So it doesn't have to be a lifestyle, think of it more like a relationship experience. And I have to say that you guys, it is not for every couple. So I'm in no way saying because it's the top fantasies. And I can remind you again, there are two kinds of fantasies. Those are ones we actually want to try. Like we really do. We want to make it happen.

And those are ones we just like to think about. We want to talk about it, either with ourselves, when we're alone, or with our partner in bed, but it doesn't mean we want it to happen. So you have to figure that out with your partner. And also remember, you guys, I do advise against the good friends. but it doesn't mean we don't want it to happen. So you have to figure that out with your partner. And also remember you guys, I do advise against the good friends. Even if they're a really good friend, or like you know, if they've slept, but with everyone, no.

It takes a wrong turn that person is still in your life. It gets messy. And I think that strangers are the better way to go. We had someone calling last night, and they said they hired someone Vegas. Prostitute or call girl. I feel like that's like one of the best ways to do it because it's more first of all, they're going to be able to know how to it's going to go down

and it's their job. So they're going to want to do a good job. Right. Yeah. Exactly. And they're like, here's the bow. Yeah. First she said, well, you know, it was kind of weird because the woman not weird, but she said, at first, I didn't know if I'd be into it because we hired this woman and she came in and started talking about the boundaries and all the thing and like it just wasn't sexy.

But then you kind of get into it, you realize what we're going to start kissing, we're going to start moving through this, you know, through some thing and it gets exciting. And then you realize after that, I just want to connect with my partner and then she leaves. It's kind of a very clean transaction in that way. I also had a friend who did something here in Los Angeles with her boyfriend, they went to town for her birthday and he found someone in LA to go over and play with them and give a massage.

And she said the same thing. She said at first, I was like, really? This woman? But they're also professionals. So you have your experience. They leave. And you guys get to keep the memories. Obviously, you want to use protection.

And you just want to make sure you talk it through. Now, the other questions that get asked often are how do we find the third then or what if we can't go to Vegas where it's legal to do these things. Set life is a great website. FETI, LIFE. People are like in field. FEELD, Tinder can work. There's also hashtag open, which is a dating app that could be a great and other great way to find a third. Well, we'll put this all in the show notes

at sexwithadmly.com, because that's what we do here. Everything we talk about, you can find there in the show notes. So, I know you're dying to hear about Webley. What do you know about three sums? I've got some experiences myself, and I can tell you about ones that went right, and ones that went wrong.

Let's start with one that went not so great. Okay, it wasn't a horrible body, it was called, we'd like to call it the aborted three sim. I was the way, it was in Mexico with a girlfriend for a week, all my crazy six stories in Mexico. They really are. I know.

Love going to Mexico. I'm gonna go to Mexico more often, just know if that was the same place. No. Okay. So we were with a friend. I was with one of my best friends. And we had been on a kind of a, I want to say we've been on a three-some kick.

This was a while ago. It was probably like 15 years ago now. And in the kick of like, we were, she had one and I had one. And so we were in Mexico and we met this guy and he was an American. We had mutual friends and we've been hanging out all week at this friend's hotel opening in Mexico. And we both thought he was really cute and we were flirty and we were hanging out

and we, nothing had happened so far, but it was like our last night and we had these beautiful rooms because we were there, it was our friend's place and we had the nicest room in the hotel with like, it was like a suite, we had our own hot tub. I love the hot tub. I know. We had like the big mirrors. We had a bed, a sunbed. We had our own like our own area blocked off. Top of the whole hotel, the new grand place. I'm thinking this would be a good place to have some frisky

fun this week. So it was the last night we'd both and flirting with him. We thought, well, let's have him over for a drink. See what happens. And then he came into the room and we're like hanging out and we knew that we had not been with him, but you know, we're having a few drinks and he kind of, you know, playing music and it's a beautiful warm Mexican evening. And we'd all start, he starts kissing,

he's kissing me, he's kissing her. And then we move over into the bed, we still have our clothes on. And a very strange thing happened. We're lying in bed. We're starting to do this thing. And I'm just like, I have this feeling

and I think, I am not attracted to him at all in this way. Like my body, I was like, I cannot, I will not know. I thought at all in this way. My body, I was like, I cannot, I will not know. I thought I was in my core because I can't fake anything. If I don't like you, you'll know. If I don't want to talk to you, you'll know. If I can't, if I'm at a party, I'm not a bullshit small talker. You're really not.

I'm like, you'll know. And I was instantly, my body goes, oh no, no. And I'm pretty open, sexually. I can kind of get into a groove, as you know, make things happen. I was like, you'll know. And I was like instantly, my body goes, oh no, no, and I'm pretty open, actually, I can kind of get into a groove, as you know, make things happen. I was like, no. You sexual, no. I'm right now.

Right? And so I looked at my friend, I'm like, I looked at her and I said, I can't. And she's like, and she shakes her head. She's like, I can't either. She's really in the same moment. We were like, because it was sort of a force that we were playing.

We were almost like the couple saying, this would be really fun and we were playing it up. And we just said, no, we can't. We can't. And we were very honest with him. And we're like, let's just hang out and go back downstairs and have another drink. So that's my abort.

We were very honest with him. It wasn't a horrible situation. I just wanted to be feeling it. He was totally fine with it. And then it became a joke and we're all friends. And then she actually did it. I'm plugging up with him later that night. So that's the thing.

Not sexually, but in that moment, I was like, I can't do it. And I think. So did you guys kind of have like this telepathic, little like eye contact, like abort, abort, abort? I was like, a board mission, a board mission, gotta go, abort, abort, abort. So I'm like, no, and I don't know what had I had one yet.

That might have, yes, I had already had one. So let me tell you a story of a really good threesome. So that was a good boarded, just in the sense of, I think I was honest about, we were honest about it. I didn't, it wasn't necessarily something. He's a wonderful guy, but we all know about attraction. He didn't do anything weird, he didn't change. I just didn't feel the chemistry.

I hadn't been that close to him. Yeah. And also it was my friend. So what I realized was, even though she's a very dear friend, in my handful of three-sums I've had, they were with people that the guy I was close with, but the women were not close in mind. So I feel like in my experience I've had with women,

they weren't like my best friend. They weren't someone, so I didn't find my friend attractive. Even with your friend. I don't find her attractive, like in that way. And it wouldn't, it probably cause some kind of weirdness after I can just imagine. I'm thinking about one of my best friends who I'm actually very attracted to,

but in if it came down to us having a threesome, would I look at her differently afterwards? Yeah. Right, that's what I thought. She is such a great friend who are like sisters. I've known her for a long time that I don't think that would ruin our friendship, but I just knew that it was like a sister.

Literally, it was like, that's not attractive, but he's not. I remember him now, I hadn't really talked it through and why, but that's what happened. So my one that went well was a guy that I was dating for a while in San Francisco, and it was kind of my open relationship experience. And we really, it was really, for the time it was great

because we saw it, we had a very great understanding of our relationship. We saw each other once a week for about a year or so and we knew that we weren't looking for anything serious, but we really enjoyed each other's company. Like if he had something to go to, you know, I'd go with him, he'd come with me to my events and it was, you know, we were dating other people and it actually worked because we were really open and transparent. Well, one night, he said to me, he said, there's this woman that I've been with before and she's never been with a woman before.

And I thought about you and I'm like, and I hadn't had a ton of experience, but a few more than she had. You've dabbled. Dabbled. And I said, let's meet because and this was why I thought it was the best way because he said to me, no pressure, but why are we all going to drink? Let's go get a drink and just see what happens and if something happens then or another time, we'll feel it out. So we ended up going for a drink that

three of us. And I thought she was awesome. She was super cool. We had a great connection. And it wasn't even so much that I was like in that moment, because I think that sexuality is fluid. And the way I felt it was like, do I want to just be friends with her? I just found we had a great connection. I wasn't like, oh, I want to picture her going down to me in this moment. My mind doesn't work like that. I was feeling the energy between the three of us.

We were having a good time. And I was enjoying the moment in the dinner and then we took it back to his place. And he has a wonderful place. And perfect for that, huge bed. Lots of like great yard, great food. He's always got a lot of snacks, music, you know, all going on, fuzzy carpets and couches and things.

And we're back, I ended up being this like really beautiful evening where we just kind of fell into it. He was, I had no hold on him, they had slept together before, you know me, I don't wanna get out of those jealous thing. I just thought, we're all gonna have this flow and it ended up being this, we were all very respectful for each other, we all know we had been with each other and flow. And it ended up being this, we were all very respectful for each other.

And we all know we had been with each other. And it just for what it was a great, because a great through some is kind of like a dance in that way. I could tell you that people have often called and asked for specific tips. And I can give you that. But this one was just like, we were respectful. We would like make out. And then she would be a part of it.

And then I would be a part of them. And we were up like all night. And it was, it was really hot thing. Do you think with three sums, it's easier for sex not to be as linear as there's so many places to go? Yeah, well that's such a great thing because what we've been talking about,

if you guys learn anything on the show, and I hope there's many of your learnings, that we really do have a goal here that I don't want you to think of sex as just the old in-and-out penetration. That's not what it's all about. So, yes, that's exactly what it is. It was just like, we would make out, and it wasn't even like we got right to the penetration. In fact, most of it was not about that at all. Most of it was more about

just kissing and connection and like oral sex on everyone and definitely changing condoms when there was penetration just so you know, if there's two women, one man, condom changes going in and out of each one, but it was more like, we would fall around, then we would get snacks, then we'd come back to the bed, then we would like talk about things. It was just a very comfortable situation that didn't have a lot of pressure or jealousy, there was no expectations, and yeah, it went on for a long time because we weren't like, and that is the thing about the threesome.

It's not about the orgasm per se. It's about the experience of sex. So maybe that is good advice for you all who's in your two sums. How would you make your, you could make your sex life up by just mixing up the actual routine that you're doing. The making out, the kissing, the foreplay, the oral,

like it can be around. You could do this for five minutes, do that, bring out your massage candle, give each other a massage, you get into the mood, play foreplay, the oral, like it can be around. You can do this for five minutes. Do that. Bring out your massage candle. Give each other a massage. You get into the mood. Play with different toys. Go back to whatever kind of sex.

And of course, that sounds great. That was a good one. And we were all not attached. In the way of like it wasn't like it was a committed thing. But I'm telling you guys, I know it works. And initially we opened up talking about how can work four couples, too. And that's when you got to talk about all the boundaries and all those fun things. So you can actually make it happen.

Alright guys, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your questions. Alright, we have Michelle, 35 in Wisconsin. She says she's got a polyp on her uterus and can't have sex for a month. So what other ways can her and her husband have sex? Hmm. Okay, good question. How you doing, Michelle?

I'm here to help. You've come to the right place. I'm here to come to the right place. Of course. Thank you. All right. So what else can you guys do besides you're saying essentially besides penetrative sex? Right, I have a surgery already, it's been removed and it found out it's been nine, so that's all good.

Okay. Why don't you have intercourse for the next month? I'm looking for some creators, I just keep things placed. Yeah. Okay. You've come to the right place. I know that you're having this because you, you know, you're having a challenge right now,

but for a lot of people, I encourage couples to look at sex as not just penetrative sex. So here's some things. First off is mutual masturbation. Have you guys ever done that? No. Okay, so mutual masturbation is actually a really hot way, which is why I love it.

It's kind of a two-fer. First off, you get get to look at your partner getting themselves off, right? You look at your husband, you see how he's touching himself, and you see that he's having pleasure, and then you're touching yourself, and you can externally, right? So you can still touch yourself,

you're clitoris using a toy, and so it's hot, but also, you're kind of learning too. It's education, and I didn't realize that he put his hand under his balls or that he touched himself in that way. And he can see you and it's how you use it. Maybe he'll learn something new. So it's just hot and it's a sure thing because you know you're both going to get off.

If you don't have a good literal vibrator yet, I get the J-JU Mimi Soft. I love the Mimi Soft. One of my first toys and I always have it with me when I travel, and it's always charged by my bed. So that's really fun. Okay, another one is massage. So I'm a huge fan of massage.

I wish that every sexual encounter started with a little massage because we know we all get anxious in our daily life, and you guys get like a massage candle, which is really fun. You can get a massage candle, a good vibrations. We have a store on our site where you can buy it. But if you haven't used a massage candle, you just light it and then you wait a few minutes and then you can pour the warm massage oil on your partner. It turns from the candle to the massage oil and it's such a sexy thing to do to just sort of get in the mood for sex,

please each other, just try out a candle, you will love it. So if you like, you could blindfold him, you could give him like a 10 minute massage, you could, you know, the fun thing about blindfolding too is when you blindfold your partner, you take it, when you take away one sense, all the other sense has become more heightened. And then it's like, everything feels great.

So he won't know what's coming. You can have some ice cubes by the bed or some warming loop or just play with like, you know, different things around the home. I got hair brush and different textures and like sensory play. Or just massage them. So that is some fun.

And then you could switch, then he massages you. And then again, using a vibrator, using toys together could be really fun and just playing. It's just really fun for play. And then you can end in, I think, all these, if you're not having penetrative sex, definitely end all of these in some masturbation. It's also really fun to tease each other.

I think that teasing is kind of a lost art. You know what I'm saying, Michelle? Remember when you first met and you guys were like teasing and you were like, if you took a while before taking each others clothes off? So maybe if you kind of put some of that there, you're like, you know what, we can't even have sex. We're just going to like slow everything down, maybe just like teasing over, you know, your clothes and over your underwear. I think it's really fun to like leave your clothes on in these situations or maybe wearing some great fabric and then he's like touching your nipples through your clothes and you're massaging him

too using different fabrics, you know, he's touching you over like this is just the whole slow sex movement which I like and seeing like how different fabrics feel on you and some dry-humping is fun. What else do we like here? Lub oral sex. Oral sex is amazing too. I mean, yeah, that goes without saying. How do you like oral sex? That's the only thing I could say. Right, so I was like, you got that. You got oral sex. But why not?

I'm not sure. But I'm going to be a little bit more sweet. Well, I think I love the idea of miscell. Do you like that? Do you like blindfolding and playing with me? You could just use a blindfold in your house. I mean, you could just use a neck tie. And it's really fun to kind of set the atmosphere and to play with, again, all the senses. So you like you light a candle, you use some ice cubes, you just play around with each other. You could also play some sex games. We've got some really fun games. If you live near like a local sex toy store, they have fun card games. There's one called monogamy, like monopoly, but it's monogamy.

And you know, you just get to know each other better. So I think use this time, which I think is kind of, you know, I hope you're not in any pain and it kind of sucks when you can't have sex. But I like the idea of let's have an exploratory month where we try new things. Maybe you start talking dirty. You role play. You know, you just, you just have some fun with it. So it's not like, oh God, we got to wait.

But like, wow, we learned a lot this month. I didn't know how sensitive my nipples were because maybe he didn't play with your nipples for longer than five minutes. You know, so I think finding other paths to pleasure, maybe he loves when you kiss the back of his neck. Or you really slow down the blowjob, you know, when he's wearing a blindfold.

We don't know yet. Oh, great. Thank you. You're so welcome. Thanks a lot. Hope you feel better. Thanks for calling. We got ideas for that. I wish it was actually a little more.

It wasn't just all about the penetration myself. It's not even the best part. Not even the best part. It's not. Orals the best part. Yeah, I'm like, girl, you got this. You got a month of oral, Michelle. It's not. Orals the best part. Yeah, I'm like, girl, you got this. You got a month of oral, Michelle. It's okay.

I like the idea also of them just trying new ways to, you know, different oral, like mix up your oral moves. Because she's like, oh, yeah, I already thought of oral, but I want to do other things. But just remember that the way you've been doing oral with your partner, maybe you have that formula and you know what works, but there's just, there's so many other ways to play with oral.

Like maybe you have forgotten the balls. There was a while where I had some kind of post-traumatic ball disorder. I was like, I think I'd hurt some guys balls, and then I was like, stop touching them for a while, and then I was like, oh yeah, go back to the balls, play with them. Massage the inner thighs, tees, you know?

Play with other parts of the body. Yeah. Bring back the balls. We have Sonia, 45 in Texas. She's having sex with a younger man and she wants to know how to stop. Oh, hey Sonia, thanks for calling. Why do we stop? Hi Emily. Hi. Well, I think it's I think it's turning into something of an obsession or an addiction on his part. Okay. I think it kind of might get started to get unhealthy.

Okay. Well, tell me what's going on. How old is he and tell me the story? Okay. Well, he's 19 and he lived down my blog and he came home from college about mid-May and he asked me if I would help him with the job interview. And I said, sure, come on over. And when he came over, because I've known him, he was a young boy.

And he came over and basically said that he's had sex with the few girls in college. He just finished his freshman year in college. He had sex with a few girls and they just laid there like a... like a... you know, a... right, just made sure they had it. yeah, and so he... I'll never forget these words, he told me. he said, since I knew what sex was, I knew I wanted to have it with you.

oh wow. I knew what it was, and he was a to have it with you. Oh, wow. I knew what it was. So I knew what it was. And so I was a little boy living down the lane. I got it. OK. So I said no.

And I turned him away, and I said no. I mean, I'm friends with his mom. And long story short, you wore me down. And this has been going on since mid-May. And I tell him not to come over. And he still shows up and the problem I believe that it's the best sex of my life. It's unbelievable but I think I need to stop. Well tell me okay what makes it the best sex of your life?

Well he can go for a long time and you And I'm single and the guys I date are my age and you know, it's just not the same. Yeah, I hear you. I know that. So it's going for a long time. Is there something in it about, I understand why it just doesn't seem healthy. But is there something else in it that is still a little bit taboo that the mom doesn't know? Yeah, oh, sure.

Yeah. Okay. Um, so he's 19 and you're 45 just to clarify. Okay. So, so I mean, honestly, I think you're right. I think that's a really big age difference. And it's something that you're going to have to get out of the situation. And I think it's part of the forbidden. You can go for a long time and it's so flattering to. I think the best thing to do is just to be like, hold your ground and just let them know that you really can't do it anymore. I hope you know, I hope he's fine with it and nothing goes, you know, nothing goes wrong here, but I feel like you have to be the strong one here

because you really are the adult. So you have to be adamant. And you have to say, I mean, honestly, I'm hearing you, I'm like, you're age, I'm like, I get it, that's like hot. I mean, I haven't done that in 19 year old, but I think that you have to be the adult and let him know and not leave something open.

You've had your funds since May. It's been a good two months, but it sounds like, I mean, how long does he home? Is he next to home while summer? Yeah. I just, I feel like, and you, because you're calling me saying it's becoming an obsession in his part,

but you don't really want it to end. So tell me about some of the obsessive behavior that you're saying go away and he comes in. Is there anything else? Do we need to worry about his mental health at all? No, I don't think so. He just, he texted me and said, he wants to come over and I tell him not to. And next to me, I know he's knocking at my back door. And I just, I'm even afraid to, you know, I'm dating and I'm afraid to have

any load over at my house because he just might show up. And so. Well, this makes me nervous. I think that you have to tell him that you're seeing somebody out. And this is gonna be, I mean, he's not, here's a thing about young boys. You might be the first love, the best sex.

He's had, he's only been with young women. And we've seen some of these things not go very well. So I feel like, I don't know if it's a phone call, if you meet him somewhere neutral, if you can do that and be strong, but I think you really have to be adamant and tell him that it can't happen anymore, that you're seeing somebody else, that it can no longer happen, and then you just have to be strong.

And I think that you have to get out there and start dating again, because you know how these obsessions are, like if you, and especially in your part, that when we start getting out there again and dating, we meet someone else and it'll be less intense for you. And I know it's hard to find men, especially a man who can go all day. With those abs, 19, but I really think that I'm just nervous. I mean, I could see him being a little obsessed. I get at these things happening. There's like movies about this. And so I think you have to be strong, you have to be adamant, have a plan, I get it, these things happen. I think there's like movies about this. And so I think you have to be strong, you have to be adamant, have a plan, and tell me you can't come over.

And you got to be like, because you're the age of his mom. So I think you got to use your mom tone and say, it can't happen again. We're not doing this. I need you to go find someone else on your own. You can't leave anything open. You can't even leave a possibility. And you could even say, I have an alarm system up and you can't come on my property. I know that's intense but I feel like you're gonna have to do something like that because he will just show up.

Yeah, you're so welcome. Let me know it goes. Of course, I'm invested in this now. You gotta let me know what happens, Sonia. Thank you for calling. Okay, this one came to us from a Lori who is 31 in Illinois. She writes, Hi Emily. My husband listens to your show daily, he often comes home and discusses the segments. You heard you talk about how masturbating can really help your overall health. I also saw from anxiety and you had talked about how it can help relieve that as well. I'm not opposed to masturbation and do it during sex with my husband and find pleasure in

doing so. However, I have a hard time enjoying it when I'm alone. I want to and I try to focus entirely on just pleasing myself, but I can't get into it. I've tried with different toys and watching porn, but just can't get into it alone. Do you have any advice on how I can? Yes, Lori.

I can help you. I can help everyone. Thank you for this email, Lori, because this makes total sense that when you're with your husband, it works, you're masturbating, you're having good sex life. But when you're alone, you're like, what do I do? Like, where do I think? Where do I go?

Not everybody naturally thinks about fantasies. So here's how it can work with sex, and here's some other things that might work for you for masturbation, because again, I like to give you all options. I like to give you ideas, and then you create, you know, you make it your own. So for some people, fantasy might be the way for other people, it could be breath.

But I wanna go back to one thing here, though, Lori. I love that your husband comes back and talks about the segments. And I have to say that there's a lot of couples who have found listening to the show together has been really helpful for their relationship. Because you all know that like talking to your partner about sex isn't always easy.

So if I'm saying it, you'd be like, what do you think about that, babe? Is she saying that masturbating is actually good for you? You think it's something you want to try? Or wherever? Or Emily thinks that we should try, you know. I want to think you have to, but you could try it if you want. Or Emily thinks it might be nice to take a gander down anal vein. So, um, okay, so here's a few things I want you to know, exactly.

Okay, so when you're out of bed, this is my first thing is about the whole umbrella fantasy. Think about when you're out of bed, because we don't want to get into bed, and have to think about once we get into bed or wherever we're masturbating. Okay, now let me conjure up all these sexual fantasies. It just feels like another thing. Another friggin' thing. You're like, I already got me in bed to masturbate Emily. I've already got my toy out, my lube, and now you want me to come up with some elaborate

erotic fantasy. How dare you. How dare you. I'm turning on Netflix. I'm going back on Instagram, fuck you. So when you're out of bed, think about things that spark your sexual arousal. So it could be a past sexual experience that you've had. And you could like jot these things down. It could, and you'll also remember, but

the second you might just remember, but it helpful to like, um, something or someone you desire. Maybe you just saw someone who was super sexy or you met someone at a party this weekend or a time for you, Laurie, when your husband, like, think about them, your most memorable times you had sex, or the times that you saw him and you felt really turned out. And like write those down, or when you're driving in the car, you could start to think about these scenarios. It could also be a scene in a movie.

It could be something that you read. And the other thing is, if you're just overwhelmed with everything, like I said, hone in on something that's already happened. Like if it's already happened to you, use that and you can also build on it. You could be like, like in talking to my niece, she was like, I don't wanna think about this guy though, because he's just from the past.

I said, well, if the sex was go with him, you could think about his body and another guy's head and then another, you know, like it's like, it doesn't, there are no rules to fantasy. It's truly about finding what's gonna spark that for you. So, you know, finding other erotica, you know, writing down your fantasies, mom of your partners that were hot.

And then, so that's the fantasy route, which for many people, that's like a pre, could be a pre-mastervation thing, or right when you get in bed, when you start touching yourself, you kind of use it for a warm-up. Things that have turned you on in the past. Well, how I traditionally now, I would

say I'm more of a in the moment masturbator where I'm like in my breath, I'm focusing on all of my senses. I'm focusing on my breath. I'm lighting a candle. I'm feeling because orgasm and sex, a lot of you write in that you're in your head and you're anxious, which is exactly what Laurie's talking about. She's like like how the hell do I get out of my head like if you leave me alone in my bed with a vibrator I'm just gonna be thinking about my to-do list because that's what I'm doing all the other times of life So if you could maybe start with a little fantasy Maybe you start thinking about the candle that you've lit, right? So that's your scent. Maybe you're tasting something that you just ate your dinner or, or the chocolate you just had. And then really you focus on your breath.

You're literally breathing in and you're breathing out and you're moving it through your body and you're just relaxing and you're focusing on what you feel and touch. So how do your hands feel on your body? You don't have to go right for your clitoris. You can just start lightly, you know, put some lube or some whoom or play the massage oil on your fingertips. And just start thinking, getting curious. And when you're my wanders, just be like, what am I feeling?

Breathe. Oh, my hands on my left nipple. What does that feel like? My hands moving down my inner thigh. And then you're just breathing and you're feeling and you're focusing in your present. And then if you're using a toy, which is awesome, how does this vibration feel? How does this one feel? And then you start moving it down and over your body.

Because you realize that when we are feeling anxious and we are out of our head, we're not in the moment. But when you engage the five senses, which is smell, touch, what are you hearing? Sometimes I just focus on what I'm hearing is my breath. But sometimes I'll focus on music if music is playing. So it's what are you tasting? Seeing? Maybe you're watching your your belly rise with your breath. If you're watching your hands move over your body, smelling the candle. But what I found when I'm anxious, even if I'm driving in the car you guys, this is how you get yourself, you know, back into the moment. If your head's tripping, I'm like, hand on the steering wheels. I'm listening to music.

I taste my gum. I'm listening to the sound on the radio. And then you're in the moment. And then all your thoughts, which were probably distracting you and not really necessary at that moment, will bring you back to the present moment. And like having a ritual, like my pre-sex or pre-mastervation ritual as well, is like, like I said, letting the candle, getting my toy out, putting my phone away, locking the door, doing the things that I'm like, okay, I mean my masturbation space,

like my masturbation towel. Also make it like part of like your morning routine, make your masturbation routine. Exactly. Like a thing that you do to get ready. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, have all of your things nearby. I think it's just to be reading your own erotic. I mean, I'll forget the listener.

He was like, he wrote down erotic up from his relationship of what he wanted his wife to do and what had turned in mind of the past. And she read it and then she started doing those things and found out what turned her on as well. And like for me, yeah, it'll be like, if I wish someone, I don't know, I feel like soon as I have more of the romantic fantasies, like I'll be thinking about when I'm with someone, when we're bad or kissing,

and then I'll think about, usually it's oral sex. So would you say, with a man going down to me, usually it's people pleasing me in my fantasies. Yeah. Would you say though that, do you fantasize actually more when you do have a partner or when you don't have a partner? I would say that when I have a partner and it's new I fantasize about them beginning and then I think I'm mostly in my life have gone through periods of

fantasy it depends on the day, fantasy and just breath. So I would say it doesn't fluctuate with partner, but at different times in my life, I've been more like, I'll remember things from the past or all the string of memories of like, oh, these are all the times these guys are going down to me or we were having sex in this bed or like I think all the, you know,

it's like, it's like a medley, like the best of. And it changes at different times in my life. I like to have a lot of different things to go to or I'll watch ethical porn from Bolesa if I have to watch any porn. Yeah. Well, because it's like, it's more than just like a two second thing, it's like, do you know how they got there?

Yeah, there's like a plot, a little bit plot. Not too much of a plot. Not enough to like, but it's good. When I feel like the plot gives you enough time to get into your mode to get ready for the action, that makes sense. Right, exactly. When there's even just a minute of a little bit extra to I don't know. Yeah, I know.

I just like, no, it's so unrealistic. But you're like, oh, they met. He was your skin instructor. That's like going back to that one I saw when. Oh, that was a good one. I know. Are they in the middle of the snow? Yeah.

Yes. And she's like, skin instructor, your friends like, you should go out with them. She's like, really? Yeah. I really want to switch it out. I just want to do something. I know it was really hot.

And they're like wearing their cute little ski outfits. And he's been teaching all day. And then she makes dinner. We find a little substance, a little bit of plot, little substance in our porn, just a little. That's just for us. Okay, thanks for your question, Lori. That's it for today's episode.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We released two to three episodes a week, find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter, it's all at Sex with Emily. If you want to ask me a question about sex dating or relationships, you can email me feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily.

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