Sex With Emily - Best Of: Why Do People Cheat?

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

Here’s something wild: nearly half of people in monogamous relationships report they’ve had affairs, according to recent research. Half! And that’s just the people who admitted it. We can all agree that getting cheated on feels awful – as in, the literal worst. So why is it so common? In this Best Of episode, we’re talking trust and infidelity as we break down the reasons why people cheat, what to do if an affair has happened, and deciding whether to rebuild or break up and move on. Plus, I take your questions: how to restore your confidence after an affair, what to do if you suspect or just caught your partner cheating, and how to come back from online infidelity.In this episode, you’ll learn:The history & evolution of relationship structuresReasons people have affairsHow to rebuild trust after infidelitySee the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:Ask Emily: I Can’t Always Get Hard For Sex, HelpVIIA Hemp Co’s High Love Libido Gummies (code EMILY for 15% sitewide + Free Gummies Sample)Tips for Better Communication & Other GuidesPodcast: Why Do Couples Stop Having Sex? w/ Esther PerelPodcast: Turn Yourself On w/ Esther PerelSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So often when we cheat, what we crave is a different version of ourselves, even more than we crave the other person. Meaning, it's not necessarily about the person that we're having the affair with, it's about how this person made us feel. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Here's something wild. Ready? Nearly half of people in monogamous relationships report they've had affairs according to recent research. Half. And that's as the people who admitted it to a survey.

So why is this common? Well, in this episode we're talking trust and infidelity as we break down the reasons why people cheat. What to do if an affair has happened and deciding whether to rebuild or break up and move on. Plus, I take your questions on trust and infidelity and treatments for infidelity, like how to restore your confidence after a affair, what to do if you suspect or just caught your partner cheating, and how to come back from online in fidelity. Please, please, please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show,

we so appreciate it. We read all your reviews. Check out my new article, Ask Emily, I can't always get hard for sex. Help fun sex with Emily dot com. Art everyone enjoyed this episode. episode. Lately, everyone has questions about AI. How do we use it? How will it help our business? How do I get started? But there are bigger questions about AI we should be asking. Like how is customer data used and who uses it?

At Salesforce, we are all about asking more of AI and getting answers you can trust. Find out more at AskMoreOfAi.com slash CA. Alright, I'm going to get into your questions about affairs and infidelity, but first, let me just set the stage for you here because we can learn so much about relationships through studying modern day affairs. Because listen, affairs aren't what they used to be and marriage isn't either. So affairs, think about this, they used to be expected back in the day, like back in the last century, people were like, oh, you know, men are gonna have affairs and women are

gonna just kind of not say anything and it's gonna be hard, but that's what happens. But remember what was also going on that, that's what we married for property. It was a business arrangement, but only a last century. We decided to marry for love because for so much time, it was a decision that we made. We're essentially women, such as the United States, we were property. But now modern couples, especially marriage is no longer about your economics. It's no longer about what everyone's bringing to the table financially. My parents aren't involved.

Your parents might not be involved in your arrangement. Now marriage is a free choice. We have free choice. And two individuals, and we are deciding that we want to be together, and it's not based on money at all. It's based on love and affection and romance. And hopefully, you're having a hot sex too. But the challenge of affairs comes in,

when we still want everything that the traditional family was supposed to provide. Okay, and a lot of this work Esther Porelle has done so much great work on this. She's a wonderful book called The State of Affairs, and she really turned this thinking on its head about affairs. So we still want property and children and security, but we also want our partner to be our best friend and to be our therapist and our confident and to desire us and be interested in us and interesting all the time. And to quote Esther Perrell, and this is one of her main tenets of her work, both in

mating and captivity and the state of affairs, is that here's the conundrum we find ourselves in. We should be best friends, trusted confidence and passionate lovers to boot. Okay? So how does one person do all of that? You're setting your part of up for failure. We're setting our sets up for failure to really expect that one person is going to be our everything. So you can see a lot of our marriage has changed over the past 100 years or marriage or commitment, right? So it's not easy to say in a committed relationship when we all have so many needs. And now we're told by society that we have to be in a monogamous relationship and this

partner has to fill all of them. And that's challenging. How is that going to work? It doesn't work. And that's why we see so much infidelity today. We see that in almost half of relationships, there's some kind of affair. And it's not just a violation of trust, although that is what's really hard for a lot of us. It's sort of shattering this grand ambition that you had about your relationship, this romantic

love, it's tearing lives apart. That's why affairs are the subject of great songs and literature and art. You know, when so this happens It is devastating. It's almost like a trauma and it is a trauma. I'll get into some of that But what you feel in your body. It's like a death almost you're like everything that I once believed is now different And it can't take a huge toll on relationships However, here's the good news

You can repair Trust in a relationship couples can repair trust in a relationship. Couples can stay together after a fair, but it does take a lot of work to repair the broken trust. That's work that I'm going to get into in this episode. And some couples, it won't work. For many, many couples, an affair is a binary thing. Like if you ever cheat on me, I'm out of here.

But some couples, they do recover and they actually emerge stronger than ever from having gone through the deep intimate revealing vulnerable process of recovering from the affair. Okay. So I just want to lay the groundwork so you can see where we're at today in our society. But let me get into the reasons why people have affairs. Now, it happens to really happy couples, don't you always hear this from someone like we're at today in our society. But let me get into the reasons why people have affairs. Now, it happens to really happy couples. Don't you always hear this from someone like,

we're in love, I love my partner. They're my best friend. We have amazing sex. I have no problems. I won't spend the rest of my life with my partner. And I had an affair. So a lot of you will think that if the fairs are about the sex or about anger or getting back at

your partner, there's a great study in psychology today that I kind of want to break down for you that's going to help illuminate some of these points. So it showed that the reasons why people have a fairs, well the top one was they just fell out of love and that's at 77%. There probably wasn't a deficit in the existing relationship for sure. There wasn't like huge problems. Maybe they didn't feel love from their partner or they found greater love elsewhere. They'd been together a really long time when they grew apart. They're just not in love anymore.

Now, it could also be for variety. 74% said, partners are best friends, I love them, but I just want to try something new. And maybe they were a little bored. And you might be happy to hear that it's not just for sexual desire. I think a lot of people think

if your partner has a affair, it means that I'm bad and bad. Remember, if we're betrayed, we just think of all the worst things. I wasn't good and bad. I wasn't a good partner. I gained five pounds and they left me. It's not necessarily only 32% said it was

because of sexual desire. And maybe for those people, they weren't having enough sex. It wasn't the right style of sex, which a lot of you talk about. You want a different style than your partner. But the interesting thing, one of the top reasons which I'm going to end with here, 70% said it was situational forces, meaning their relationship was great. They were one of these happy couples, but something happened where maybe they were drinking or they were thrown into another opportunity they didn't quite anticipate.

Maybe they were traveling for work. Maybe they were at a friend's wedding like, who knows? Something happened and they weren't with their partner and they had to fare. And that's what many of said have happened. To bring in Esther Pearl's work again, she says, this is huge you guys. So often when we cheat, what we crave is a different version of ourselves, even more than we crave the other person. Meaning it's not necessarily about the person that we're having the affair with.

It's about how this person made us feel. Maybe we felt freer, maybe it would harken back to a younger version of ourselves. So we felt like we could be silly or we could be sexual in ways we can't be with our partners and we felt more alive. So that would be like something to look at that. It could be a situation and that situation could be this person made you feel alive again, right? What this tells me and should tell you is that when an affair happens, it's a wonderful opportunity to say, okay, clear up the stuff that happened in the past, like if you felt neglected or you didn't feel loved or you dissect wasn't what you want and talk about all of that now. And then you can design a roadmap for the future and see, like, can we actually stay together?

So that's what I like about this version. Is that, yes, you know, that people think that it's so devastating, never to fair, but it doesn't always have to be. So some of the other reasons why we have them, though, is that we're lacking communication. We don't talk about boundaries or sexual satisfaction or our desires. Another big reason why it happens is technology. I mean, think about this. It's made it so much easier to connect with others on the DL.

In one survey I saw, 90% of women confess to having an emotional affair with someone. And then, there was another study I saw about divorce cases in court, and they showed that Facebook was mentioned in the majority of cases over the last five years or something. Meaning, my partner was on Facebook, and they started having this emotional affair with someone, or maybe they looked up their ex from high school to see if they're still attractive or if they're married. So because of technology, that has also made it a lot easier to have extra marital affairs. Another reason is you might not be in the right relationship model. And that sort of elephant in the room that never gets a dress.

I mean, maybe monogamy is just not right for you. Maybe that right for your partner. You should talk about that. Also think it's important to note, finally, that a part of this is cultural. So in America, we place a super high value on honesty. We say, like, I'm an honest person, I do honest things, tell the truth. Although in other cultures, someone's honor is of super high value. So not honesty, but their honor. So it cheating and not telling someone, get this, not telling them in order to spare their honor is way more common and accepted. So it's

just looking at it through different cultural lenses. So now we know why affairs might happen, but what do we do if it happened? Well, here's a few pointers. You both have to agree that you'd like to work on the relationship. That's pretty easy, right? Clear that. Like, do you both genuinely want to work on the relationship? And I don't mean like the betrayed forgives the betrayer and says, that's cool. I'm okay with it. Let's do it with our life.

Working on the relationship takes time and effort and therapy and deep diving into all the issues and all the places you want to go. You both have to agree you want to work on the relationship. And essentially, you need to acknowledge that the relationship is over. You're never going back to the relationship as it was. That relationship, as you knew it, is over because it's a clear break. However, you get to build a new relationship now. So you're starting a new one, the last one's over.

And that might make it feel really good to say, okay, we're both going to work on it. We don't even want to go back to how it was, because you know what? A lot of times it's not even about the affair, as I just mentioned. It's about circumstances or technology or something happened. But you probably were feeling some discontent because most couples who don't have this level of communication

And most couples don't there was a bunch of other things wrong So whether it's individual counseling or couples counseling you are likely in a state of shock and therapy will be critical Because it is not an easy thing to heal from But you both have to agree not only agree that you want to work on it, focus on the symptoms that may have caused the fare, okay? Versus focusing solely on the fare itself. Like tell me more about the fare. How many texts were you sending a day?

Like I can't believe you did that. You can be in that phase for a while. Like tell me everything and it's horrible. And blah, blah, blah. But you can't stay there very long. You gotta realize like there's other things going on. It takes two to tango. I'm not saying it's your fault that you're part of an affair, but you are both in a relationship

and you're both deciding that you want to make it work. So what I'm saying here is, do not justify the decision to cheat by pointing to issues in the relationship as excuses because there will always be issues in the relationship. Always, every relationship has issues. You have issues with yourself, you might have issues with your roommate, you have issues with your parents, they have issues. But if you're willing to do the work and get real with your partner on what hasn't been working without playing the blame game like you did that and I did that, it's a good sign

your relationship can be repaired. Okay, here's the other thing. There has to be remorse. There has to be honesty about why it happened. You have to let your partner know that they're not going to be in contact with that person anymore. There has to be lots of mutual care moving forward. If your partner is like, no, no remorse, I did it. Get over it.

Let's move on. What's for dinner? That's not going to work. Partner has to feel deeply sorry. If you're the betrayer, like, remorse, like how does it make you feel? How do you see how major partner feel, right? So all this stuff has to be present.

Be selective about who you tell. Sometimes society can be really damning about it and you tell all your friends and they come back and I can't believe you did that. And so I think it's great to talk to maybe one friend or trusted mentor, a therapist, but you don't need to tell everybody that it happened. One more thing to remember, if an affair has happened, rebuilding trust takes a lot of time.

So you're going to be working on this for a while, but I want you to know that you're not going to always be talking about the affair. So I think the betrayer is thinking like, oh my God, I don't want to keep reliving it. I said I was sorry. It was one night at a bar. I was traveling, get over it. When I say work, you're not going to be recounting the affair. You're going to be doing the work that probably

needed to happen in your relationship anyway. Next point, should you break up or work it out? I think that's the question that you always happens, like, should we say or should we go? So there's some things to think about all of the above like what to do when it happens you need to know like can we work on it but also like do you have kids together and how old are you? Cheating your 20s is very different than cheating in your 60s so it might play out very differently like in your 20s you might be you know just

is this your person forever? Like I think you wait till your 30s to get married personally, but I think that what do you both want in the relationship? Sometimes the cheating can hurt, but in maybe in your 20s, it's easier to move on than in your 50s, like, this is your life partner and you've been together a while and it just might be different. You might have more communication skills to kind of work it out. So the other thing to think about breaking up or working it out outside this event, pretend they've never happened, which was terrible.

Do you ultimately still love each other? Do you still love each other and do you want to make it work? Affairs can be an opportunity to deepen your intimacy. You can go deeper in your connections. You might feel more emotionally connected, sexually connected with one another. And weirdly, a lot of people report having the hottest sex ever with their primary partner after an affair.

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But there are bigger questions about AI we should be asking. Like how is customer data used and who uses it? At Salesforce, we are all about asking more of AI and getting answers you can trust. Find out more at askmoreofa.com slash CA. We can wait for clean water solutions or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures

or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the Earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash right the future. This is from Elliott in Texas. Hi Dr. Emily, I rarely ever hear about the effects of a wife having an affair on the husband.

Manage has to be tough and macho, usually the one having the affair, etc. Man won't admit the emotional damage. It's devastating. It has made sex confusing, unfilling, and muddled. How do I get back to a healthy mindset? All right, Elliott. Thank you so much for your question. And like I said above, you know, I think back in the day, we thought men were cheating and women were the victims, but it's a different ballgame right now. Everyone's cheating. So first off, I'm really sorry that happened to you. And it does sound devastating. So let me just So first off, I'm really sorry that happened to you and it does

sound devastating. So let me just tell you this, please be kind to yourself. You know, especially when things are reminding you of the affair, you know, maybe you came across something or drove past a restaurant that you know, they went to like something and it stirs it up. So just know that like, you know, if you're having a bad time around it to be kind, work on communicating some of your feelings with your partner. I don't know how much work you guys have done about discussing about how this made you feel. Using eye statements without blaming,

I feel this affair made me feel like I'm less important to you and I feel less connected to sexually. Rather than saying, you had this affair and now I don't want to be naked with you. There's a very different tenor when we say, I versus you in the blaming. The Gottmins, John and Julie Gommon, who are on the show, they've done some excellent work around repairing after affairs, you know, recognizing that it's betrayal and destroying the trust.

And so not only Elliot, do you need to express your feelings, you know, your partner does too. And you have to both agree that you're not going to judge each other, you're not going to criticize each other, there will be contempt. And remember, it's not a one time conversation after an affair. You're going to keep talking about it. And you need to find ways to connect emotionally and sexually. Start bringing back some intimacy.

Now, it doesn't have to be going right back to sex, but you want to be more tuned and spend regular time together. So like rituals of connection could help lead to the intimacy, like daily walks, eating meals together without screens, agreeing to like spend time together, not talking about the kids and not talking about the affair. All these things are really important points. So that's why I recommend

you get started at Elliott to kind of move past some of this really hard things you're going through because it is destabilizing and it's just take some time to recover. And so if you both have agreed to work it out, I wish you so much luck and patience, okay? Thank you for your email yet. This is from Serena24 in Arizona. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm in a healthy loving and supportive relationship with my boyfriend who have been dating almost a year in March. My problem is I constantly feel like he's cheating on me. My boyfriend is very social, he has many friends, female, male, he's also a bartender so he meets many new people. And I also work in the same industry. We've talked many times before how there needs to be boundaries when talking to the opposite sex,

especially through different platforms and social media. And I know he would never cheat on me or do anything intentionally to hurt me, but I hate to say it. I've gone through his phone from time to time when I can't seem to scratch the itch that he's entertaining other girls. And I find him snapping, messaging girls, and sharing things he shares with me to these

girls who are his friends. I'm aware you can't control everything your partner does and that I have my own things to work on, but I always have the fear he's cheating on me emotionally. I want to get better and I'm constantly working on myself, but I feel like I've always got that semi-mine. All right. Thank you for your email, Serena. So it's really common actually that people sort of worry

about partners cheating when it hasn't even happened. Let me just run past you some of the reasons why people do this, okay? See if any of these resonate with you. Now maybe you've cheated in the past and you find that like you're worried now that the cheating could happen. So just if that is you, you can overcome it.

Again, you work through trust issues by discussing your past hurts and mistakes with a partner. And telling your partner that like, I used to be a cheater or in the past, I've cheated. I really want to be healthy about it. I'm having these unrealistic obsessions that you're cheating, but really I was a cheater and I don't want to cheat in this relationship. Like that's just vulnerability and that's just being real. So being real with your partner and letting them know that that's why you're having these thoughts could really help with the relationship. Another reason is like you just might struggle with trust issues overall.

You know, maybe you were cheated on in the past. You know, maybe even your parents, you came from a home where there was betrayal in the home or your neighbors or your aunts and uncles, like there was betrayal in the home, or your neighbors, or your aunts and uncles, like there were just a lot of reasons why we sort of struggled with trust issues. And yeah, it's because it was modeled to us as a child. And now that's how we're going to relate to people as adults. If we grew up in a home where someone was cheated on, and one of your parents were like, everyone cheats, you know, don't trust men, don't trust women.

This is going to happen. Well, guess what you're going to believe When those are the messages you heard during those very formative moments That's going to impact how you view your entire world and how you view relationships So how you would work on this is to actually find a great couples therapist that can help you work through the issues you have around Cheating and betrayal and then you can work on trust in your relationship. And finally, another reason why people cheat is like, you just might not feel very worthy of it.

You might have some self esteem challenges. It could be some of the problems above. So when it comes to like self worth and trust and having like a paranoia around cheating, it's important to have some practices that will really help you, like affirmations, like if I don't love myself fully, because I don't feel like I'm capable of love, how could someone else love me

in a way that I can't truly love myself? Or maybe even like myself. I know self love is really hard for people sometimes, but even to understand that concept, that at least I wanna believe that I'm deserving of it. You can even just take that part of that at least I want to believe that I am deserving of it. You can even just take that part of the affirmation. Like, I am capable of love, I am deserving of love, and I'm going to find love, however,

I can. And hopefully that will start with love or acceptance towards yourself. So those are some of the reasons, Serena, you know, you can talk to your partner about this or just kind of think about these things and see what the next steps would be in healthy communication. One thing I want to point out that you brought up that I haven't mentioned yet is you mentioned to Rena that there needs to be boundaries been talking to people of the opposite sex, especially in social media. And I just want to encourage people in a relationship now to set up those boundaries rather than obsessing about it or worrying or checking how how would they message on Instagram and snapping and all the things. What if you just said to your partner, I think we should have a conversation about boundaries with this stuff. Like I see you follow all these hot people and it makes me feel

this way. If someone messages you, maybe you could let me know or you could not message them back. Like just have the conversations because sometimes just putting boundaries in place and discussing your vulnerabilities around it will make you both feel a lot safer and grounded in the relationship. So I recommend boundary discussions in all relationships. This is from Grant 43 in Montana. Hey Dr. Emily, we've been married for nearly 20 years and we both had instances of online infidelity about five years ago And we haven't had sex since our sex life was great before we got married

But it went downhill right after I definitely want to start again And I mentioned it from time to time, but really don't know how to approach a conversation. Can you help me? Oh, Grant five years is a long time to go without having sex in a relationship And top of the fact let me just mention this Five years is a long time to go without having sex in a relationship. On top of the fact, let me just mention this, sounds like the sex hasn't been that great. You said it was great right before you got married, which was 20 years ago. So for 20 years, you haven't had the most satisfying sexual relationship with your partner. And so without having sexual intimacy in this relationship that is actually conducting

and pleasurable for you both, you know, how are we gonna begin this relationship again? And I understand you're asking me how to do it, because it is not easy to have these conversations and casually mentioning it from time to time, like you said, is just not going to work. And remember that relationships are more about repair than perfection, and they're more about how do you guys come back together?

And it sounds like for 20 years, there's been some work that needs to be done. So I highly recommend that you both, if you both agree that you want to work on it, going back to my points earlier, if you both agree that you want to work on the relationship, and you want to be together, then I think that therapy would be

excellent for you both to find a trusted counselor because for 20 years you're not going to be able to undo a lot of the patterns that you're in right now. You're having the same patterns of fighting and the same patterns of disagreements and even the same patterns of not having sex. So if you both have agreed that you want to work on it and your sex life and your intimate life and your relationship is important. And I highly recommend therapy on a regular basis once a week for at least three months, maybe six months to help you guys rebuild the relationship because it is so crucial that you get some help in this area. Remember, you are not alone when this happens in a relationship. You know, there's a lot of trauma in betrayal as well. I just want to mention that so much so that therapists are now turning to treatments for infidelity to treat the shock. It is a shock. It's pain. It's fear. And it's so destabilizing. And so I just want to say that like

all these things are, you know, if you've been through an affair or cheating in your relationship, it's a trauma and therapy will help you. You know I love EMDR therapy. You can find more about it, mdria.org. EMDRIA.org is an excellent resource. I've talked about it a lot in the show. It actually helps rewire your brain around the trauma. This is from Jake, 30 in California. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm married to my lovely wife.

I'm 30 and she's 37. We have two kids together. I've always felt more sexually open than her and I consider myself about a 2.5 on the Kinsey scale. She's out of the impression that I'm a zero or a one. I want to experience more sex in my life. I wish I hadn't gotten married so young because I hadn't really explored any of my gay desires. My wife's to get porn, think guys are gay if they want to press a massage, and now she is a low sex drive. I've been chatting with guys online and even went to a bathhouse just to feel that nervous, excited sexual energy again. I even masturbated with another male in the room together. It was so hard to be with someone. Am I totally out of luck? I love my wife and my kids, but I feel like my sex life is doomed.

She doesn't ever want to mix it up. It's at the point where I fantasize she is someone else when I have sex with her from behind. Any advice to be greatly appreciated? I love your show. I want to try and get my wife to listen to it, but I don't know how to even go about that without her being weird. She won't talk about sex with me. She always rolls her eyes and gets upset.

I've tried setting time to talk, telling you this is important. But the problem is she never talks to me about what she wants. Uh, please help. I'm worried that I have to find happiness by cheating on her and I don't want to come to that. All right. Thank you so much, Jake, for your vulnerability and your honesty in this email. This sounds like you're going through a lot.

And my heart goes out to you. This is not easy to deal with in any relationship. And there's just a lot of unresolved issues here and miscommunication or lack of communication in your relationship. You feel so sexually unfulfilled that you wanna go out and cheat. I understand what you're saying here about your partner not wanting to talk to you about

it and you have two kids. She's busy and you're busy, but I just want to reinforce this for you and for everyone that it is crucial. It just important getting your health checked, going to the dentist, getting your car checked. It is so crucial that you learn to practice healthy communication and you talk about the state of your relationship and your sex life. Your vulnerabilities often. It's not a one time thing. None of this is. It's like once we get over the awkward part of like, well, I don't know how to say this and I don't know, you know, my partner won't do it. I mean, I think this is grounds for like really seriously. if your partner says I will not talk to you about our sex life

I will not talk to you about a relationship. I will not go to therapy Essentially, they're saying this relationship is not important to me. I'm gonna draw a line in the sand here Now I also think that they're saying that because they don't understand the importance of it because listen most of us grew up in homes where there was no talk about any emotions, any feelings, any vulnerabilities. We never saw our parents talk about it. So how would we know how to do this? Well, we don't.

And that's why I have the show and that's why a lot of you email me and we talk about this stuff because it is hard. This is challenging. It is so hard to not only find a partner who wants to talk about it, but once you find that partner, how do we have this conversations without being so judgmental and hurt, you know, using contempt and being angry? That's a practice too to learn how to like non violently communicate with our partners. So let me just say that I understand where your act Jake isn't easy. But, we got to get her to listen.

So maybe something you could say to her is, I don't know how you've tried it in the past. I have a great guide on my website at sectionofelary.com. It is our three T's of communication and it is an excellent guide to get you started because maybe you were trying to have the conversations at a time that wasn't quite right. Like maybe it was after she came home from work

and she was exhausted, or maybe it was, you know, you were frustrated about something and you just lobbed it on and we never have sex. You know, or we never talk about things. So the time that you do it by timing tone and turf formula is you've got to pick the right time. You've got to use the right tone. It can't be defensive and demanding and judgmental.

It has to be like, Hey, I know I've said this to you before, but I really am feeling now this straight in our relationship. I love you. You're my life partner. I really think we need to find time. Is there a good time for you? Can we do it Saturday night? We have the babysitter. Can we do it on our morning walk? Let's do it at dinner. You'll figure out the right time. And then turf, again, if you're having issues in the bedroom, I always recommend don't do it in the bedroom, do it outside the bedroom. But in your case, Jake, just find a place that you feel safe and comfortable. Now, when you have this conversation with her, you also have to share with her that you have

these desires for men. There's no way you're going to last in this relationship, Jake, if you're not honest with her. Now, I don't know that you leave with it last in this relationship, Jake, if you're not honest with her. Now, I don't know that you leave it on the first talk, because remember, this is not a one-time conversation. You're going to have these conversations every week. Hopefully for the rest of your relationship, because let me paint a picture for you all, it gets easier. You tend to crave these relationships because the relationship feels dirty without them.

You're like, we haven't cleansed what we did this week that didn't make each other feel good. And like, you will learn to flip this. It's like learning to like exercise. I don't know if anyone ever like, hate it exercise and then you got into routine and then your body craved it. You're like, I need to work out or meditation. You know, I need to meditate every day.

That's what happens with these conversations. So if you want Jake getting into therapy and finding a trusted counselor would also be excellent for you both. You've been together a while and you have kids. Having a couple's therapists can really help you have a healthy conversation. So you're both using like language that you both understand. It's almost like you have to develop a new language around communication in your relationship. It's a whole new thing that can be really hard to develop when it's just the two of you coming from the place you're coming from. So I would say first, just

say, I want to talk about our intimacy. Let's talk about the state of our relationship. Is there anything that you've been wanting? You could talk about your desire for, you know, more sex and how you want sex, but just know this is going to take some time. Jake, it's not just you staying or going. It's not you being gay or straight. It's about if you want to stay with your partner and it sounds like you do. And's not you being gay or straight. It's about if you want to stay with your partner and it sounds like you do and also you want to still explore any of your bisexual tendencies or gay tendencies, I think that's also exists. It's really hard to just say I'm not going to pay attention to that. Also, it would be important for her to know. Now again, you might

want to talk to a therapist first and figure this out on your own. And it sounds like you believe that your wife has some judgments around, you know, like gay culture or you being a zero. So again, the relationship now is based on some secrecy. And secrecy is really toxic. Secrecy is different than privacy. Privacy is like, no, I just don't feel like sharing this conversation I had with my friend or my therapist with my partner. That's okay. That's privacy. Privacy is like, no, I just don't feel like sharing this conversation I have with my friend or my therapist with my partner. That's okay. That's privacy. But secrecy is something that we spend a lot of time trying to cover up. We're constantly trying to like cover up the secret and make tell lies that people lie for us or lie on our own.

That's when it becomes a problem. And remember, we're only as sick as our secrets. And if we have a lot of secrets, we feel sick in our relationship and out of our relationship. So however you do this Jake, I really send you so much love, Jake, and at 30 years old, you deserve to have the kind of sex life and relationship that you want and so does your wife. So here's just some healthy conversations together. Thanks for your email. together. Thanks for your email. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or

partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

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