Sex With Emily - Best & Worst Sex Advice of 2023

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

Some sex and relationship advice is better than others. Today, Producer Erica and I review some of the most trending sex and relationship advice from TikTok this year, from “how to make them fall in love with you” and love bombing, to when you should sleep with someone or if the “bird test” will tell you whether you should stay with your partner or not. While reviewing all this advice, we’ll let you know if we agree or disagree.In this episode, you’ll learn:How to maintain sexual tension in long-term relationshipsHow to avoid “mothering” your partnerWhether it’s possible to make someone fall in love with youSee the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:2023 Holiday Gift Guide: My Top Picks for the Hottest Holidays Ever2023 Shop With Emily Gift GuideHow to Use a Penis PumpLast-Minute Amazon Prime Panic Gifts For Lovers & FriendsLELO Sona 2 Travel (code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off sitewide)SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Be careful of the young guys giving you sex advice. How many people have they had sex with? They've probably mostly had sex with their hand watching porn. They really don't have any advice to share with you. You're listening to Sex with Ebily. I'm Dr. Emele and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. In 2023, more people were talking about sex than ever, which makes me so happy, but some

sex and relationship advice is better than others. Trust me. Today, producer Eric and I are reviewing some of the most trending sex and relationship advice from TikTok this year, from how to make them fall in love with you and love bombing to what you should sleep with someone or if the bird test will let you know whether you should stay with your partner or not. Do all this advice, will let you know if we agree or disagree. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

Please do it right now, take 2 seconds and it really helps get the show out there to more people the more you review. And please make sure you're subscribed as well. The latest review is from Haley. She's a Volvo owner, 30 in Canada. Hi, Dad Dominic. I just want to say a big thank you. I absolutely love your show and wish I had a resource like this 15 years ago,

despite only discovering your podcast two months ago. I'm already at over 100 episodes. Listen to and I can safely say that you've changed my life for the better in so many ways. Oh, Haley, thank you for your review and love this, Erica. This is what we're here to help you all. My new articles, how do you use a penis pump and last minute Amazon prime panic gifts for lovers and friends are up on sectorthemly.com. And I created that one because I may last minute panic shopper. And so I wanted you to know I wanted to help you. Okay. I wanted to help you okay

I wanted to help you find some really fun gifts so check out those things I'll also put them in the show notes. All right everyone enjoy this episode So there's been a lot to talk about TikTok in the last few years, but especially the last year, there's been a lot of people saying, you gotta be careful what you learned on TikTok. There's a lot of people who don't know what they're talking about. And I saw this article recently called TikTok Dating Advice, is Hell on Earth. And I just thought this was funny because I know what they're talking about. I've seen the TikToks too, where I think you have a million people that have seen this

video and it's untrue or it's not accurate or it's actually harmful information. And don't get me wrong, I love TikTok. And I actually launched my TikTok this year. That's also sex with Emily. But I have to say, let's know this. Unless you're hearing sex advice or any advice from a certified sex coach like me, you probably don't want to take everything you see online as truth. A lot of it's there for just entertainment or to join certain trends and it can be really confusing and overwhelming as

well. And just like this article says, there can be a lot of contradictory advice and it's not super helpful information on TikTok. Just take it all in with a great assault. Just like this article says, there can be a lot of contradictory advice and it's not super helpful information on TikTok. Just take it all in with a great assault. Just remember this, that a lot of sex educators get their content removed from the platform, which also means that there's just misinformation that can spread faster. I know, it's crazy. Being a sex educator for almost 20 years, it is still pretty shocking and surprising to see that so much of the information that we post does get taken down. We get flagged on Facebook still and TikTok as well. Luckily,

though, our TikTok school is strong, so you have to check that out. But this article, which was specifically about dating advice, I thought it was just so insightful. So this is what they said. There's advice telling you to never text first. There's advice telling you to never text first. There's advice telling you to text back only when you have time. There's advice telling you to ghost in the middle of a text conversation. There's advice that says texting is a matter. There's no less than a million things you should never do over text. I'm tired.

Says a journalist. I'm tired too. I mean, what do you do with all this? A lot of this advice is just people kind of following the algorithms or what's trendy and like jumping on that bandwagon, but just because you're seeing it all over Ticac doesn't necessarily mean that it's true. Although, like a lot of things, just take it all with a grain of salt and at the end of the day, go back to you, like, what feels true for you?

Because it really doesn't matter what all the rules say and what they're telling you to do. What do you want to do and what feels right? Because every relationship we're in is different, every partner you're with, it's a case-by-case basis. So today, I thought it would be fun to review some of the most popular sex and relationship advice I've seen on TikTok this year and let you know if they get a thumbs up or a thumbs down from me. So let's get into it. I've produced an Erica here to help me break this down. Hi, everyone. This is fun.

Okay, because I had a good time going through this because this is the stuff that all year I've been seeing and it's like, let's just get you guys some of the accurate information. Okay, now this one, if you're uninterested in sex with your partner, this might be why. Let's go. It's your G.S. Say.

Yesterday I heard a piece of advice in a TikTok that literally blew my mind. She was a married woman talking about how she still has a good sex life with her husband, and she was listing all of the reasons why it's still good for her. But the thing that really got me was this. She said that he knows that foreplay isn't something that happens 10 minutes before sex. It starts the second that they wake up. And this really clicked for me. Because I don't know about you,

but when I start to feel shut down to my boyfriend, there's usually a deeper reason underneath of it. To me, intimacy is also the small moments that we share with each other throughout the day. It's the way that he looks at me, the things that we do for each other out of love, the way that he places his hand on my back or asks to go watch the sun set together.

So just remember, if you're shut down, it's not out of nowhere. It's because those little things slip away so easily over time. But in the grand scheme of things those are the things that keep you connected emotionally and physically. So she's talking about foreplay all day. She's talking about the fact that we need to stay connected to our partners if we can throughout the day. In the morning give them a kiss before you both take off for your day or for work.

If you both work at home, little touches, hugs, just to stay connected because we get into the bedroom and we wonder why we're not interested in sex. Maybe we haven't even connected with our partner intimately since the last time we had sex. And so it's hard to kind of like get it going, but if we keep that energy going throughout the day, throughout the week, well, we, you know,

much more on board. I saw another TikTok that was saying something like, men need sex to feel loved, but women need love to have sex or love to want sex. Yeah, that's a trope that's been around for a while. And I have a hard time with some of those gender things. I think that maybe there is some truth to that. That speaks to women need more emotion and connection.

And for men, they're like, just have sex with me. And I'll be a rouse and ready and then I'll feel love. And for women, we have to feel loved and safe to have sex. Yeah, maybe it resonates with some people. If I try to say something like that, and they'll be a woman saying, I want sex to feel loved. Just see if it works for you.

If it does, you're like, yeah, I feel like I haven't been as connected with my partner physically lately, so I feel more, you'll separate from them. So physical touch, all those things are important to allow me to feel more sensual and turn on. How to make him fall in love with you during sex. This is a big trend on TikTok.

How to make him fall in love with you. It's always about him. Is it about her too? Or are these trending? Honestly, they're probably are. I'm just not getting in my fur. I'm not wearing a pink jacket. Okay, let's see what he says. So listen closely, all you gotta do is focus on his eyes and relax. And they say that because when you have him locked in both physically and mentally, there is no other place he's willing to be. Because no, they say the eyes are the windows to the soul. But without saying so much, I'll go on record to say that the windows are so much more. Okay, so basically this guy's saying the eyes are the windows of the soul, he will fall

in love with you if you keep eye contact up all during sex. I'm a fan of eye contact during sex, and remember, I'm not talking about like you're staring the whole time, but maybe you're looking up, you're looking away. I think that does enhance intimacy, but this whole like do this one thing

and they're gonna commit to you, they're gonna fall in love with you. It's gonna change the whole thing. Be more available, less available, stare into their eyes, grab their ass like this. I mean, that all that stuff is just click baby. I know, and I feel like that's the biggest trend now is how to hack other people's emotions.

It's like, you're not gonna do one thing that's gonna make someone fall in love with you. Like, there's so many things that fall into creating love. But everyone wants a quick fix in general and especially on TikTok. Yeah, exactly. And it speaks to this whole culture of, yeah, like a quick fix for everything that we want in life and wanting advice and wanting to do it all right. Think about years before TikTok, and before you could access all this information, people were falling in love. People were having

good relationships. I almost think a lot of this stuff is, it's just too extra. And I could get you in trouble because what if you're someone who has some intimacy challenges and you keep trying to stare into their eyes? They could also feel like, oh my God, this person's all over my stuff. Like, oh, it makes me uncomfortable. You might need to, you might need to have a slower build with this person.

I mean, that might also tell you that this person's out my person because they're not into intimacy, but what I'm saying is, if you just see this video, like, now I'm gonna stare into their eyes all the time, and it backfires, you know, that could be wise. So remember, it's all about context too, and your history with the person. Okay, I feel like you're about to prove me wrong here. I feel like sometimes I struggle to maintain eye contact when I feel like I'm leading

someone on if I'm staring at them too deeply. Because it says a lot, right? You mean during sex? Yeah, during sex. Yeah, because that does say, I'm into you, it's intimacy. It almost like drops you into this into place because so much sex is disassociated. But I could see that misleading.

Well, let's say more about that. Because is it because maybe you don't want to reveal how you feel, you actually don't feel that close to someone. So maybe it's a way of blocking myself from intimacy, but it's like, I feel like I struggle to maintain eye contact with someone unless it's like, oh, I already know I'm in love with you. Yeah, that might be something to look at, Erica.

Maybe that's my 2024. Exactly. Maybe, maybe, yeah, I could see that. I mean, it's because it's staring into someone's eyes is intimate. It is not a natural thing that we do. And I notice when people are out in the world and they're not making eye contact,

even when you're talking to them on the street. So I think it says a lot, but I think that's just something to look at. I think it's vulnerability. If you're having sex with someone, that's already really intimate. Right. Maybe I'll just make you feel more connected and safe

if you do that, and then you'll look better sex because we know that when we feel safe, we have more orgasms. I don't know. All right, guys. That's gonna be my resolution. Fuck it, Liz. If you meet Eric on the street,

even just be start practicing, she's gonna be staring you down. Hold me to your guys. I like this one, mothering your male partner. Now, with this way, you think of two when Esther Peral was on the show, she talked about this as well. How women can fall into this mothering your male partner. Now, with this way, you think of two when Esther Porello was on the show, she talked about this as well. How women can fall into this mothering role

with their partners. And this woman does a lot of tick talks about masculine feminine energy. So let's see what she has to say here. If you do what I'm about to tell you in a relationship with a man, it will probably kill his sexual energy towards you. He'll probably lose interest in you over time. And so many women do this. So I watch this and send it to your friends

because if you put aside your needs once and self-care for a man in this beautiful, feminine way that we like to do, like he wants this but you want that so you go with what he wants. Eventually, he understands that you are becoming in the role of his mother. Why? Because I do that for my child. If my child wants something I'll do that for him. And when we start doing that for a man, he starts to see himself as the person who is already good enough as he is. He doesn't need to change, he doesn't need to grow, he doesn't need to acquire anything, will be better for you and that makes him bored. He also starts to lose interest in you because there is no reach towards you.

There is no chase of you and not chase in that game playing way, but chase in the while she's this amazing woman who I wanted to be closer to, but she's already pandering everything to me. I am already good enough. Furthermore, by becoming his mum, he will love you and he'll feel warmth towards you, but he'll lose sexual attraction over time. You will drop further and further down into that maternal energy and you'll start asking him, can't you?

Organize dates for me, why don't you find me attractive and more? And all he's going to do is be annoyed by you because what's the dynamic? The step mum asking her some to clean the room dynamic. Now you're following him around and asking him for more time, more attention, more, more, more, but he's really comfortable because you're already doing everything you're putting yourself last. You are not supposed to find your mother attractive in that way.

So step out of that energy, put yourself first. Stuff doing more self-care. When you want something and he wants the other thing choose what you want, put yourself first, go into your goddess energy and be more selfish. Trust me, it works out better for everybody. I think this is an interesting point. So what she's saying is that there is this notion for women, typically for revolve owners and relationships that for many, we just are caregivers. We mother our partners. We think, oh, if he wants this and I want

this, I'm going to go with what he wants because I want to be agreeable. Like, well, and I actually care. Like, he really wanted to go out for a kelly and food tonight. And yes, I wanted sushi, but I just really want him to have a good meal and I care. And I don't care that much. And then we continue to put ourselves last in all these situations, but she's saying is that if we do that, it's almost like we have not respecting ourselves. And so we're spreading that message to our partner where they're like, well, if you're not respecting yourself and you're elevating me to be likable and agreeable, well, then I'm not going to respect you either. So I find that to be an interesting notion. The part that I like about that is I think it's also very

extreme. She's like, do this thing. And you know, this is why he becomes uninterested in you. Like, that's a foe who makes me cringe a little bit. Like, why he doesn't want you? But I think that the point here that is helpful is that we don't want to lose ourselves and relationships. Lose our needs. We have to be our own best advocates. That self-care is important.

Time for ourselves is important. And yeah, don't become anyone's mother. If you are nagging and reminding them of things and doing all these things, and you feel like, why don't they ever do this? Because there's just so much of that. Like, if you find yourself like constantly like frustrated with your partner, what are you doing for yourself in the face of that? And how can you continue to make sure that you're getting your needs met as well? I think there's some truth to that. And the whole mothering thing is very relatable.

And you hear women say this all the time, well, I've got three kids, I've got two sons and my husband. And just I mean, again, that seems sort of cliche, but it's because we are in this mothering or train carrying role. So whatever you can do to counterbalance that in your life, if this is a wake up call for you, then you know, let's go take a look at this. Is that something that you can have a conversation and change that dynamic with a partner? Or is that one of those signs to look for when you start dating someone?

Cause I do feel like men are socialized to expect to be cared for and women are socialized to do the caring. So I feel like if you're looking for a man and you're a woman, most people you're going to find are going to default to that relationship. Yeah. In this instance, and you probably don't hear me say this a lot, it's less about communication. This is more of a personal change of our behavior. And this is more about making different choices in the relationship and thinking, yeah, I could tell them to do this thing again or remind them or or make sure that he's got his food or his clothes or wash or I could just

not do those things. Like what if you lean into bringing your full self to a relationship, your independent self who has a lot going on in your life and you don't necessarily subscribe to this notion that you're going to be the caretaker because once you lead with that stuff, then you just become useful. You become like a friend or a mother, but I think that that is less sexy and attractive. And the reason why this stuff comes up a lot, because if you go back like 60 years, right, the 50s, the 60s, women were homemakers. They were about raising the kids. They were barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Like that was all the notions that women that if you couldn't cook and clean

and provide a good household, you definitely were not attractive. Also to say that some women, of course, love this role. And they are probably in very healthy relationships and they don't know that's okay, but I'm talking about the women who are like, find conflict with this relationship. They're like, I'm doing everything for her

and it's not working. Well, this is where I say, go inward. Take stock of what is working in relationship, what isn't working. And I think this is where we've changed our own behaviors and our own patterns. I also want to add, I know I said before that this isn't a communication thing,

but I do want to say that after you start changing your behavior, you could also make a list of all the tasks in the house or the things that you do in the relationship Things you take care of and you could split them up between the both of you and let them know that you'd like their help with Certain things and that you're finding that you want to spend more time on your own life and taking care of your own tasks And you'd like them to pitch in as well. It's hard for me to say not to communicate because I always think that we have to cover all bases. So in life, always great to change our behaviors and take responsibility for our side of the street, but healthy conversations and communication around where

their struggles and their relationship is always going to help you. This is um, misunderstanding of what a dominant means. What are your unpopular opinions in the bedroom? I'll go first. A lot of men on dating apps portray themselves as a dominant when they don't understand what that means. What it usually means is that they want to do you like they don't care about you, and they probably want to hurt you because they're working out some repressed rage. Not all men, but I can see some men who haven't dealt with their own sexual traumas, their feelings about women,

their feelings about sex, the guys who are pounding away, they're not really attuned to what their partner wants, and then we're aggressive in the bedroom, and they're dominant in the way of like what they see in movies like, hey bitch, you're slapping your ass without getting any consent, and without actually reading your partner and feeling connected, that's an extreme. But I can see that dominant being a dominant the bedroom could backfire for many women and for the men ultimately, but they're like, I didn't want you to pull my hair or spank me here aggressively pound away at me. A lot of dominance we talk about BDSDSM, power play. That's more about power play, consensual role playing, and that's what we're talking about with it. We're in a healthy

like BDSM relationship or dominant submissive relationship, but she's just speaking to a her experience, or maybe on the dating apps, it sounds like. And I always think of these men of just being men who haven't had a lot of positive sex education. They haven't delved into the world as sex. I think don't understand that they'll actually have better sex, more satisfying sex, healthier relationships, once they actually pay attention to what their female partners want as well. This has to come from porn, right?

I'd solve it. Yeah. Where else would it come from? Yeah. It does come from porn. Again, with porn without sex education is a total disaster. We're not correcting that. So if you grew up watching porn and you assume that this is how sex should happen and no one's speaking up to you about it, then yeah, that could be a porn challenge, a porn problem.

All right, this is our last sex TikTok. Ladies, you want to make spicy time better, but you don't know how I'm going to give you a quick fix that will help everything. Ladies, we want to make spice a time better, but you don't know how. I'm going to give you a quick fix that'll help everything. Ladies, we need to understand that when it comes to spice time for men, 60% of the entire experience is visual. That means treat everything like a performance. OK, you better be going ham. If you're going down with the Titanic on a guy,

that better be your best performance. All right, like the greatest showman. If you're kind of innocent and you don't belong to the streets, the easiest way to kind of do this and ease your way in is just with the eye contact. Okay, listen, eye contact makes everything better. Alright, so the more you do it, the better it is for the guy. Trust me, it's gonna make everything a whole lot crazier.

Only do this if you want him to be your baby daddy. Okay, that's all I'm saying. Oh my God, another eye contact one. That what he's saying just make eye contact, go at it, like it's your like most important job you have. I hate what he's saying about performing. That's literally anti-everything we say on this podcast. Anti-everything. Just do a performance. He's probably saying like, do we see important? Moan, like you see important, arch your back that way, have multiple fake orgasms. This guy's a no.

Anything useful. But he's adorable. This guy, he's cute. And here's the problem, TikTok. He says it, like so certain. Like I know the truth, like looking to his eyes, you know, like go after it, like you're going down with Titanic. And you could be like, yes, I will.

I mean, think of all the stuff that gets passed along because people are just a short, self-assured and clear and focused and they say it like with just such certainty. But remember, that stuff's not always the truth or accurate. I saw something saying that TikTok is now the go-to search engine for Gen Z over Google. TikTok is now the go-to search engine for Gen Z over Google. Wow. Yeah. That makes me nervous. But I get it.

Yeah, over Google. Mm-hmm. Over Google, that's what we're searching. But you're not getting cited any scientific sources, any biology, you're not getting any medical journals, you're just getting some people who read a book, who listen to a podcast, who I sex with you type, people do that, right? They like copy other TikToks all the time. Yeah.

Oh my God, you guys, you did a lot of the advice that I gave that people gave, we would do this on time, it's like wisdom, experience, not only like having sex with people over the decades, but also just studying and researching. Just be careful when you get your advice, okay? But this is fun. So fun.

So fun. Here's some good advice. Stick around until after the break, because we'll be right back with more of the biggest trending advice from 2023. But before I go, I want to tell you real quick about one of my top sex toy brands, Layla. So Layla makes beautiful,

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Alright everyone, we'll be right back. What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?

What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?

What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? Well, these are trending a lot on TikTok this year, but again, just remind a lot of the sex advice just gets taken off. So there's a lot of room for relationships. Okay, this is a big one. This comes up all the time.

The defining relationship. Right. What are we watching this one? The last thing you should do ever in your life, ever, ever, ever, ever, is the what are we conversation. You are the prize. You are the thing that he wants to have, the person he wants to have. You're not a cheap car salesman. You are not a salesman of any kind. You are a book and you're a Ferrari.

You do not send out emails saying, are you sure you don't want to make this purchase? Sorry, have we missed you? Sorry, I hope this email finds you well. I'm sorry, maybe. maybe your email bounced into the wrong drop box. No, no. Also, while he's deciding you're living your life, he's moving to where you want to live, you're dating other people, you're doing whatever you want to do, that what are we conversation as a him thought and a you non thought? You want the man who's going to want to have that conversation with you, not the man who you have to have that conversation with. That's really interesting notion. Again, I have a hard time with the gender thing

because no matter what kind of relationship you're in, there is always this dynamic, but she's saying the man should have it. She's saying that if you're a woman, you'll be like, are we dating? Are we serious? Let's define this. I do agree with some of this.

If you're living your life, there is some power energy here that's like the second you do that, I see what you say, like you're giving away your power. But then we're saying what the man should always do it that he should be the one and says like, hey, I'm thinking about it and like we should be committed. So I think in healthy relationships where you're both in it, things are going well, it feels pretty trusted and safe and a few months have gone by, you could also have the conversations like this. It's been three months, loving the sex we're having, it's really hot.

But I just want to see for on the same page, maybe we could just like, together talk about what we want. So right now, you know, I'm dating other people, but I really like our time, but I'm not sure where you land. Maybe you could tell me more about what you're feeling, and it becomes a conversation and a dialogue, not a one-way question of like, what are we? Right. So I'm all for taking it out of the, it's one person's responsibility,

while the other person answers to like, could we just have a real conversation? Because you could also say here, I'd love to talk about like what we're doing here, because I can't quite tell. I'm feeling good about it three months in, you know, we just know what we know after three months. But also, if we're not on the same page, I think we should figure it out now because then we can both part on good terms,

but you could say, I am looking for a long-term serious relationship, I'm not sure where you are right now. And if you're not with this, that's just totally cool. I think we should be honest. Right. That's such a bit healthier way to have it.

It doesn't, you don't seem needy, you don't seem desperate. You just seem like, let's kind of clear up some facts here. It's been three months. way to have it. It doesn't, you don't seem needy, you don't seem desperate, you just seem like let's kind of clear up some facts here. It's been three months. We've never talked about emotions and feelings. Right. What we want. I just want to get clear.

Totally. I'm on the same page. Just in page. Cool. All right. So I'm not into the whole like wait for them. Don't do it. Okay.

This is a big one here. Let's talk about no contact. This is why no contact works. Every single time no matter what. If someone chose to break up with you, then they're asking you not to be in their life for a while. The only mature response to that, and the only self-respecting response to that, is to give them that space.

Now when you're away, they can actually experience what a breakup from you is like. They're not going to receive text from you, they're not going to have someone to sleep next to you, they're not going to be able to go on dates with you anymore. And no matter who you are, that's really, really hard. You, on the other hand, are going to become more secure and work on loving yourself. And if you do that, whether they come back or not, you're going to come out on top. Now, the immature alternative is you texting them all the time or trying to say their friend or things like that. In that case, you can't grow, you're stuck, you're focused on them,

and they can't miss you, they can't feel what life is like without you. So be mature and respect yourself, and you're gonna come out on top. So what he's saying is no contact with the trend that I've seen is, if you go no contact, you gotta not follow them in your step-chap, TikTok, delete their number. But his version of it is like, if you go no contact, work on yourself. Don't try to get them back Don't send them all these reasons why they should be with you Let them miss you, but again, that's still framed in the gamey way. It's like no if you Have decided to take a break from somebody then that's on you to really spend the time On yourself what you to really spend the time on yourself.

What do you actually want in the world? What was this relationship not providing you or what doesn't work for you and take time to kind of just think about it without texting every day because when you break up with someone, you take a break and then you're still in contact all the time, you don't get the sense to actually feel how that's landing in your body. You can't fully be embodied with a separation if you are still have that lifeline to the person. I'm down with taking time and not staying in touch with someone if you're taking a break.

And I believe in this, if you break up with someone and I get this is hard to do, and you know it's over, you really do have to stop following them. You can't be checking out their Instagram, their stories, their snap, like just separate because maybe we'll come back together. Maybe you'll be really good friends, but you will not know right away. So it's really hard to do is painful. It's excruciating, but you got to take that time. The next one, how to spot a love bomber. I love this topic. Let's get into this one. No, no, no, no, I get it. You're amazing. And anyone is going to be lucky to be with you.

But let's talk about love bombing since it is an actual thing. This is an asterisk. The reason why love bombing is so important to know that you're being loved bombed is because dysfunction follows it quite immediately. Alright, let's get into it. What does it look like? Grand gestures. Early saying that they found their soulmate. Future faking right off the bat. Gifts, trips, early promises.

Minimizing their past relationships to put you on a pedestal. excessive attention, excessive compliments. I know you're amazing. But excessively. Rushing to say I love you, disrespecting your boundaries. And this last one is gonna be really weird, but rushing into commitment. Love bombing, that has been phrase that's been thrown around a lot the last few years. But that is a real thing,

and I wish it had a term when I was like in my 20s, five, my 30s, dude, this has happened to me where the thing about love bombing, and again, just to reiterate what she's saying, is it's someone who's like, on the second date, they're like, I've never felt this way before. And they rush to make grand plans, gestures, maybe they sweep you in on vacation.

They tell you that you're everything they've been looking for. They're literally bombing you with love, which you have all these dopamine serotonin spikes, you feel so seen, so hurt, and so good. How we all love compliments, but to have it by someone that you're also attracted to right away, it's so seductive and it can feel so real. Cause yeah, I am pretty great.

Finally, someone's seeing me for all of my awesomeness. But the reason why this is a problem is because you've only known this person for like a week or two or six weeks. You can't be in love and know that someone's your soulmate on the third date. So this is just something that your antenna should go up.

I don't even say you have to say something to them, but you can start to take that in as information. Remember when we were dating, this was someone the first six months, six fucking six years, we're always gathering information. And you don't have to make judgments on it, but oh, okay, it's interesting.

Like there's all this, and then you can even ask them, like, oh, you think I'm gonna tell me more about that? You think I'm the one? You could just call it out and be like, why do you feel that way? Have you felt this way before? Like you're allowed to get curious here. And again, remember the love bomber?

The one who's doing it, they're probably not conscious of it. They're not saying like, okay, I'm gonna turn on the love bomb with this. It's just their habitual way of being. And it also comes from people who maybe lived in a home, just one theory, where it wasn't safe. People left them. They came from a home where things were really chaotic.

And maybe one or two parents was absent. They probably genuinely feel very connected to you and are feeling very strong feelings. And it's one thing, we've all gone out with people who would feel strong feelings, right? But they take it to another level because they're afraid that this feeling that they're having this incredible feeling

is gonna be taken like that. So I wanna lock you in, I wanna keep you, that's how I know I've learned in some way that to make people feel good and to make me feel safe, I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure you won't leave. And then the last, this love bombing, then they end up leaving. And it blows up.

I feel like when I've heard about love bombing, I've heard of it as a manipulation tactic to control your partners later on as well. That's true. Yeah, it can be, it can be like extreme narcissism, or sociopathy, people could be using it as control mechanism. And I guess I said it's not conscious, because I actually believe that people who doing this

aren't always as conscious that it's manipulation but it's definitely manipulation. It is a manipulation to get this person to fall in love with me. Like I'm gonna tell them I'm falling in love with you so you'll fall in love with me and then I'll feel safe and you want to be able to meet. But yeah, it's actually, it's very manipulative. Love bombing is toxic and unhealthy and I'm sorry to report like I know you're great like she says in the TikTok, but like you can't be in love and find your person on the second day. Maybe. And

then people are going to be, you know, writing and saying, no, my parents met on the first date. And they're like, yes, it happens all the time. But if this is someone who's just going to the next level with it, just what's the rush? Let's slow down. Let's make me information. You don't have to move in. Have a baby. Get married. All the things just yet. Keep gathering facts. The real tea on why you shouldn't sleep with him right away. Yes, I'm all for female empowerment and doing whatever you want to do, but let's be real. If you're trying to bag your husband, sometimes you got to do what you got to do. Men can always find women to fuck him physically, but the key is to be the woman who

fucks him mentally. Think about it. Men approach us simply based off of our looks. That's what attracts a body to you. It's your looks. Not your personality. They know nothing about you. They come to you about your looks at first. Given him the milk before having to buy the cow, if you sleep with him too soon. Men don't start noticing personality until maybe after like the third or fourth date. When doing this, the key is to not show him the playbook. Do not let him know you're not sleeping with him because you want him to get to know your personality first because then he's gonna set his intention of like

pretending he knows your personality. So in this that means don't put yourself in a situation for hookup. Don't even start a hookup. Don't make out you know a slight kiss but don't get super lusty because then you're gonna get super lusty and if you say no it's to create a whole negative situation. Oh my God. I'm not sleeping with a man too soon. This whole don't sleep with them on the first date. Don't sleep too soon.

This is probably one of the oldest debates out there in this relationship around about when to sleep together, when not to sleep together. I do think there's something to be said for taking your time to know somebody, especially if you're the kind of person who when you sleep with someone You get very connected very attached You don't often sleep with many people and then you do sleep with someone and you know yourself and it just doesn't always Work for you then I think wait until you know someone a little better But just whenever we say that there's a million people are like, I slept with my partner on the first date

We've been together for a while, it's the same kind of thing. But I do lean on the side of Waiting a beat you don't have to sleep together on the first or second day if you don't want to and that more is always Going to be revealed and sometimes when you sleep with someone right away You it's harder to make more accurate decisions about the relationship and really assess your real feelings because if sex gets into the mix too quickly, you might feel attached in ways where you can't like see the red flags

with an indifference. So make your own decisions, but again, if you feel like, I don't actually wanna sleep with this person or I think I could wait that way. And it just builds the tension more, which always makes it more fun. That is exactly what we do. And then we do have sex, it's like even hotter.

Because where do you go from the first day if you sleep together right away? Like at least wait till the second day. To wait, I love sex. Something that would fall into it. Yeah, then you're looking forward to it. Oh, I love this one. But I've been thinking a lot about this

since our call yesterday. Okay, here we go. Apparently a lot of people don't know what the bird test is, which I'm sure there's like a better name for it, but that's wild to me because I live and die by the fucking bird test, okay, because it never fails. And if you don't know what the bird test is, which I'm sure there's like a better name for it, but that's wild to me because I live and die by the fucking bird test, okay, because it never fails. And if you don't know what the bird test is, it's like a test to gauge like whether or not a relationship will be successful.

And usually it's in the context of a romantic relationship, but I always do this with like friends, family members, literally anyone that I meet, if they pass the bird test, I tell them so fast because the shit is so fascinating, okay, and I'll give you an example. I meet this girl. We start becoming like newer friends and we go to Starbucks one day. We're sitting at this table at Starbucks and I'm looking out the window and I see a woodpecker in a tree and I'm like, holy shit, there's a woodpecker in that tree. This girl whips around so fast, she's like, where? I kid you not for the next 10 minutes. The two of us stared out the Starbucks window just watching this woodpecker fucking peck away at this tree while we googled random facts about woodpeckers.

Okay? Now the bird test states that if you're with someone who ever gonna do the test with romantic or not, if you say something that could be deemed like insignificant and your partner responds with like genuine curiosity like what woodpecker where? That's a really good sign that your relationship will last a long time. But if they like blow you off, they don't acknowledge you and you're just like, oh, cool, like a woodpecker. That's a really bad sign. And again, it's for romantic relationships. But I'm telling you, do this with your friends, do this with your family members because that girl and I still homies as fuck, right? The bird test never fucking fails.

So here's the thing about the bird test. What she's talking about is I believe it's one of some gotmins who talk about the four horsemen in relationships and the things that you need to look out for that are not so healthy. And one of them is does your partner make a bid to turn towards you or turns away from you? So if you say, look at that bird, do they just keep staring at their computer? Do they pay attention to what you're saying?

Are they interested? But I love that in TikTok, it's gone to this whole other place of like the bird test. If you say to your partner, like, look at that bird or what do you think of that story? Or do you like this, you know, movie, and they just ignore you? That could be the sign that there's other challenges

in their relationship that your partner isn't wanting to connect with you. They're not taking your bid for connection. It's really a bid for connection. Again, you could say, look at the woodpecker and your partner's like in the middle of a really important work email and they don't look up. So I think you do it a few times. I don't think it's like, you didn't look at the woodpecker and your partner's like in the middle of a really important work email and they don't look up So I think you do it a few times. I don't think it's like you didn't look at the woodpecker

We're over. Yeah, but I think that we know this problem in relationships Like we know the people who don't really care or have taken her sonost so But I love that it just got went down to the bird test I love that people are like kind of looking at this. Listen that to me is like again I don't want the idea of a test, but if you are feeling like your partner isn't really, or someone in your life doesn't really care about things that you say and it's just all about them while then, you know, that's a problem too.

You're just sick to be met. You want someone to feel interested and interesting, you know, interested in what you have to say and interesting. That's a good point you bring up about testing your partner. Because I feel like in general when I hear that term, I'm like, oh, that's not a good thing to do. But this one seems harmless. Unless, as you said, you say it once, your partner misses it and you're like,

you failed the test or we're done. Yeah, I think it's just a fun thing to try and then you could do it with something else. You'd be like, okay, I did the birthday and now I'm going gonna say, you know, what do you think of that painting over there or what do you think of this thing, you know, and just see it.

If it happens over time, then, you know, you test it a few times, you probably do this only if you have a hunch that your partner isn't really connecting with you on things that are interesting to you. Cause in a relationship, it's like give and take. But again, the reason why that got men's created these tests is like, that's when there's like contempt bills. I mean, you get to the point of contempt in a relationship it's like give and take. But again, the reason why that got men's created these tests is like,

that's when there's like contempt bills. I mean, you get to the point of contempt in a relationship where you're like, I'm gonna listen to what you say. I can't stand anything about you. Like getting towards hatred and negativity. It's just, you know, that's not the relationship you wanna be in. It's hard to come back from contempt.

All right, our last TikTok, the Orange Peel Theory. I don't know this one. Let's try it. Everybody's talking about the Orange Peel Theory. I don't know this one, let's try it. Everybody's talking about the Orange Peel Theory. If you don't know what that is, the Orange Peel Theory basically describes that when your partner does an act of service for you, that's something that you are perfectly capable of doing on your own.

This is for really small stuff. Like, for example, peeling an orange. Let's say that for whatever reason, I hate peeling my oranges, but I really like oranges. I asked my partner, hey babe, would you mind peeling this orange for me, and they can either respond with, of course, love, like not a problem at all, or they can say, no, you are perfectly capable of peeling that orange yourself.

Or maybe my partner already knows that I really don't fuck with citrus and has the orange already peeled and prepared for me. Either way, the response is indicative of much bigger things than just merely peeling an orange. Because even just a super tiny thing like that reveals so much about their attitude toward you and your relationships. So much about relationships is the small things. Because the small things make up the big things. I mean, I'm sure we've all been in that relationship where we feel like we're literally having to practically beg on our hands and knees

for someone to just get us flowers. Or pick up dinner for us on the way home when they know we've had a bad day. Or cutting the corners of our sandwich for us because they know we don't like the crust See all know in that situation it was never about the frickin flowers It's the acknowledgement and the feeling of being taken care of and cherished and the feeling that someone really really knows you and in a Relationship you should never have to beg for that. It doesn't matter if their love language is in acts of service Okay, I'm trying to get the gist of this. She's just saying like your partner should do the little things for you if you ask them Yeah, acts of service. Okay, I'm trying to get the gist of this. She's just saying like, your partner should do the little things for you

if you ask them. Yeah, acts of service. Yeah, I mean, again, it is just not, you know, just one thing. But if you feel like there's not an equitable share of, you know, interest and labor and the relationship, that's a bigger thing to address. All right, there we have it.

That was worth fun. Okay, guys, what do you think? What have you seen on TikTok and all the places? Send us videos! That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review

where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, your pleasure. Was it good for you?

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