Sex With Emily - Bestsellers & Stellar Sex with Alicia Dunams

Episode Date: April 19, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by speaker, business coach & best selling author Alicia Dunams to help Emily figure out her next book! Plus, she’s answering your emails. The two discuss how to create a “Bestseller in a Weekend,” as well as why saying you “get to” instead of you “have to” can change your perspective on a lot. Then Emily answers emails on what to do when you just can’t seem to get past date #3, you don’t mind getting spanked – but don’t know how to react, and how to get your partner into sexting. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Apex, uberlube, Good Vibrations, SiriusXM, Womanizer Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For more info on Alicia, click HERE. To attend Bestseller in a Weekend, click HERE. For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Speaker, Business Coach, and best-selling author, Alicia Dunham's, who's here to help me figure out my next book. Plus, I'm answering your emails. Topics include, how to create a best-seller in a weekend. Who knew writing a book could be so simple. Why saying you get to instead of you have to

can change your whole perspective? Think of it this way. I get to have sex, not a half to have sex. Try switching that out. But when you speak. It makes a big difference. Okay, you can't seem to get past date three. What do you do? And you don't mind getting spanked, but how are you supposed to react? All this and more, thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, though? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information go to sex with Emily.com. Check out our awesome website and all the posts and blogs and

Information we have to help you better sex and relationships also catching money through Friday from five to seven PM specific on Series XM stars channel one and nine. It's the best you can find me there every weekday and if you want to get a free subscription You can totally do that sexbele.com slash SXM you can also call in, tripellate 947-8277 and ask questions during that time. Find me at sexwithm.ly, everywhere, cross the board on social media. All right, guys, I hope you enjoy my interview

with Alicia Dunham's. It is my pleasure to welcome my dear friend, Alicia Dunham's, she's a business coach, founder of the program, Best Seller in a Weekend and author herself of two best sellers. And she's just, she talk about doing work, she's done, I've known you now for 13 years. Yes, 13, 14 years. She works, she does a lot of work on herself, she helps others, she just grown to this amazing

woman. I mean, you always wear my name, but I've just watched you grow and change and learn and I'm so glad you're here tonight. That's what we're here to do is grow and learn. And you know, exactly. We do. Otherwise, you're just, I don't understand the people who, I guess, they don't want to, they're not, don't get curious about it. Yeah. About life and growing. So you're really doing all of that good work. And she's also a speaker, trainer, you help people around the world become more successful.

And she's going to help me tonight become more successful. And I'm going to go deep with her because I'm all in a vulnerable, I'm in a vulnerable rage right now. Is that a thing? I'm ragingly being vulnerable. I think so. Yeah, I like that. That's fucking be vulnerable over the place. And so and thank you for having me in her new web series. It's called Go Deep. Yes. What is it coming out? Is it out yet? No. It's not. Okay. But you're going to check that out. Yes. And then she's also so best out in a weekend, which is it coming out is it out yet? No, it's not okay But you're gonna check that out. Yes, and then she's also so Bethel and a weekend Which is just brilliant that you started this I mean, I was like how do you write a best seller in a goddamn weekend? 100 page draft book manuscript. That's what I promised my clients

So I've worked with thousands of people yes, and even people have gone on to become New York Times best sellers That is amazing And so you have one and we're gonna talk more but you can find more but April 26 to the 28th in Los Angeles In Los Angeles. Yes, and I also have one online. You can go to bestsellernaweekend.com for the dates Yes, wherever you are in the world. You can do it online. Okay, well, that's really smart too Okay, so I love that and we'll also put you guys everything we talk about as you know if you're just joining the family here Sex with Emily calm if you're like, oh, what was that thing she talked about? It's all in the show notes links to Lisa and everything that we're saying here just joining the family here. Sexwithendly.com, if you're like, oh, what was that thing she talked about?

It's all in the show notes, links to Alicia and everything that we're saying here. So, what got you on start of this mission to help people with books? It's right the best seller. The journey to success is a long and, and, curvy one, I will just say this,

no straight lines here. So, I mean, when we met, I wrote my own book. Yes, okay, so. 13 years ago, I brought it here. I opened the show telling you about your book. She wrote a book called Gold Digger, K-Tellers. Gold Digger, lessons learned from the rich men I dated. Brilliant.

And I wrote that 13 years ago now, and it was all about the secrets to success, what I learned from successful, wealthy men. And you know, the thing is that the same thing I learned back then, I'm learning each day now, it's all the universal truth of the universe. True, it is the universal. And what are some of those things? Because I've informally, I was saying this earlier, I've date men.

Typically, the men I've dated, I've learned a lot from, whether it's a poor, but most of them were successful at life, like because that's what I'm attracted to, men who are achieving and doing things, and you learn from them, but tell me what I get it. So what did you learn? Some of the main things, are they still learning? And if you were still learning? Oh yes, well language, language is life.

What you say you create, it's the power of the spoken word. So when I wrote my book, I noticed that wealthy, successful people write things down, not only do I wrote my book, I noticed that wealthy, successful people write things down. Not only do they write it down, I say they dream it, they declare it and they deliver it. So there's power and declaration. There's power and visualization. There's power and imagining what you wanna create.

First of all, you gotta dream it up, you gotta visualize it, then you declare it. So part of the declaration is speaking it out to people, writing it down and then delivering. So, inspired thought leads to committed action. So, acting on it, like what we're doing tonight with your new book. Exactly. Okay, so we can get into that.

Should we do this? Okay, so, okay. I have a book in me that's just dying to come out. Now, I do have one book that I wrote called Hot Sex, which I talk about, and I'm very proud of the book. At least I used to sit over there and then. Hot Sex, and it was I wrote with my friend Jamie Waxman, it's a bunch of sex visions, and you guys will all love it, and it's great.

But there is a book, and I, since I have a lot, I have some fears around writing, and I have some, which is interesting, because I talk a lot, and I'm very confident what I'm saying here, and it feels good. And for, I've gone through phases where I've written more, and then it just became, I think when work got so busy and I was running the business and I was doing it and the talent, it was like, there's no time to write a blog, a tweet, whatever, and then I just like stopped.

And then there was just some, and then it's like a muscle. So if you stop working out, it's hard to get to the gym. And I believe that the more I write, when I've gone on phases where I'm writing more, it gets better. So now I'm just like, so there's just that part of it. But then what do I want to say? I feel like now I have a lot more than I would want to write about it. And I'm just trying to figure out, and I thought book offers come in for the last few years.

And I was like, oh yeah, I'll get back to you, but I'm ready. You are ready, so I'm ready so I just don't know what specifically. So ask me, so I'm going to ask you some questions. Yeah, absolutely. Sounds like you have a lot of ideas. You have obviously lots of content that you've created over a decade plus. And so I would ask you this question, so who's your reader? Okay.

Well, here's, okay, can I tell you why that's a problem or can I answer that when I started my show people are like who's your audience and I Looking back maybe was ignorant maybe not I said everybody and people like well you can't say everybody I'm like, but literally everybody has sex or they want more sex and I'm not gonna pick who I'm talking to I'm just going to speak and 14 years later my audience is 50% men and 50% women, and it runs from age 18 to 80. But I get for a book, I have to narrow it. So right now I don't know until we figure out the topic.

I don't know who my audience is, unless I know who the topic is. Well, the way to figure out the topic is to look at that target audience and say, what is their pain point? What is their pain point? Okay. So I think that their pain point? What is their pain point? Okay. So I think that the pain point for most people around sex is, most of us never had any sex education.

And most of us have a lot of shame and trauma around sex. And we don't know how to ask for what we want. We don't know what makes us feel good. And then therefore, we don't add a community to communicate to our partners And then we live a lifetime of disappointing boring and bad sex Pick if something that happened when we were young Something we learned about sex that wasn't true. So we're all kind of silently with suffering

Through through sex sexual challenges that we have no one talked about it. So really it's like I want everyone to Feel more comfortable around sex to talk about it I think once you start talking about it and becoming sexual and masturbating and understanding your body, you'll have better sex. What I hear you say is that a lot of people have trauma around sex. And so when someone comes to you with trauma around sex, how do you solve it? Okay. Well, if they have a particular, if it's like a sexual trauma, I often let them

first recognize that trauma is not something that's going to go in a zone and they need some kind of very specific therapy. So if you have a sexual trauma like abuse, you have got to go to therapy and a very specific therapy I think helps as EMDR, helps you repress your brain, but that's that kind of trauma I would say, but I guess I'm more talking about though. Cause I do think sometimes maybe it's for couples. Like maybe it's a therapy book that couples can do on their own cause I tell everybody all day to go to therapy.

So maybe there's some great book where they ask each other questions and once a week they can do this course on their own. That's something I've thought about. Okay. But I just, you know, and then I thought that women, my heart goes out to women who have so much going on

with like hormones and things we don't understand. And then I thought it could be my book telling my story would I've learned through my journey through sex? And would I see? I don't know. There's a lot there, which is a good problem to have. And so what I'm hearing is there could be a book about around shame and trauma around sex.

There could be a book for women in terms of maybe getting older because you were talking about hormones, et cetera. So over 40, maybe that's the target audience. There's one about sharing your particular story. Could even be something where you take some of your best podcasts and best radio shows, get it transcribed and just say, like the best of sex with only that.

I thought of that. I thought of doing a transcription because I've got 5,000 podcasts. I mean, I've been doing this for now for six months we've been on there. So 10 hours a week for six months, do the map, that's a lot. And then we've got the thousands of podcasts, yes, we could just transcribe. These are the themes. Because I can tell you the themes. Oh, tell me the themes. Okay, so I could tell you that the top questions I get asked are like, are about orgasms from women. Like I don't know my, I don't have, what's

wrong with me? I can't orgasm during intercourse. I've never had an orgasm. I don't masturbate. There's some shame around or not shame, but yeah, some shame around orgasm are just problems are misunderstood. They don't understand their bodies. And they're, and then there's like the whole category of how do I get my partner to blank? And that's from anybody, how do I get my partner to have more sex, less sex, sex when I want it? A bunch of things about communication.

And then there's penis challenges. It's a whole umbrella. Why do I come too quickly? Not enough is my penis too big or too small. There's the questions about, these are all the sex ones because there's also a release of questions. There's the questions about, these are all the sex ones because there's also a release of questions. What's the other one about?

I always say there's like five. What's the other question? Am I normal? Am I normal? Am I normal? Is a big one? People want to know. And I think a lot of this show is people are like,

is it okay that I want to wear women's underwear, but I'm a guy. Is it okay that I want to be spanked? Is it okay that I watch lesbian porn, but I'm not gay? Is it okay that I sometimes, be spanked? Is it okay that I watch lesbian porn, but I'm not gay? Is it okay that I sometimes, because the problem is, Alicia, is that people don't, unless you're seeking out smart, like accurate sex information, people never talk about it. Like they really, most people that are listening to this show have never talked

about it, like literally with their parents for sure and with their partner. They might have talked about it once, but they've been together forever because they feel that we're so afraid of being unlovable at the end of the day. So they're so afraid to say, you know what? I feel like we could just, you know, we could maybe start to have sex again, like we used to, we could start to cuddle or what's your fantasy, you know, I always give people tips, you know, to spice it, talk about your fantasies or exchange bucket lists. So I don't know, there's just, and a lot of it just comes down to communication.

How the hell do I just talk about sex? Where do I even start? That sounds like a good book as well. So sex and communication, I know your favorite saying is communication is lubrication. I love that. And so when it comes down to, obviously you can author so many books. It's making a decision and seeing what your audience wants and I know we talked about doing like a survey or something. So perhaps people can call in or email.

Yeah, what kind of book do you, right? That's a great, okay? Call us, triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven. You can email us to feedback at sexwithm.com. So let me just rattle off the other ones I was thinking because if we're gonna to do a vote, I thought it might be interesting also to do what to expect with sex in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s,

like 60s, like how it changes, because it really is different. When you're having sex in your 22, in your 42, it's like a different world. Totally different. And we're constantly waking up to it. And maybe we never even, or after childbirth. You didn't understand your body before,

and then you got it back, and it was all different all different and you're like what happened in my vagina now? I didn't even know before and now it came back upside down and I can't feel anything and right? You're getting personal now. Yeah exactly. Well you had a baby you don't have to say yes or no but you're laughing so I get it. So it's like, and I do think there's something to my journey. Like, it's a little bit of me like about how I came into the show at 35, 14 years ago, much like people who are listening, I was faking orgasms. I didn't understand how to ask for what I wanted in bed. I didn't really know what great sex was, but I knew I wasn't having it.

And I have gone on a journey. I've taken courses, classes, got my doctorate, like I actually know now, you know? So, and there's just some funny mis-happens and stories along the way that are pretty great. So. Well, what would your elevator pitch be? So this is something I work with my clients

in terms of, the elevator pitch is, hello, my name is, I help blank. What do you help them do, and what results do they get from that? So, hello, my name is, I help target audience B do have, that's a value you provide, so that they get the following results. Okay. So, hello, my name is Emily. I help people talk about sex so they can have more satisfying lives. And I help all people.

Okay. I'm planning it. Really, there are international listeners all over the world. Mm-hmm. And what you specifically said, communicate around sex. Was that... Yeah, because I think, like, on this show,

yes, there's technical things I'm telling you guys. Like, I could get into positions and I can get into, but a lot of has to do with just being comfortable with the topic and getting rid of the taboos and getting rid of the shame and messages that don't serve us anymore. So yeah, a lot of it is talk. And what is your top technique in terms of talking and communicating? My top technique is to talk about it. I have a technique for talking about sex in a way that is because often we think we've

talked about it but we don't do it correctly. We do it after sex or we do it when we're angry or we do it, we blame our partner. You never initiate. You guys can call us with anything. Triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. But I think it's um, wait, what was your question? Communicate, oh, my best tip is that pick the right place, the timing, the location, and the tone,

because it's tone is everything. You wanna do it when you guys are like relaxed, you're hanging out, not in the bedroom, the bedroom is for sleeping and sex, and you wanna do it when you're just, and you're hanging out, maybe a brunch, are you doing a road trip, because when you're in the car together, you can just be driving a safe way, but it can be so hard. Like, you don't know, it is so hard for people, easy.

Like, they just, to talk about is like this, like, they're dying, you know, I'm just like ripped, they're banding up. So in the car, you can say, you know what, I've been thinking about us lately, and I love our sex life, you know, complementing so much. So things have been, you know, I love you, I want it to continue to grow and I think we need to prioritize our sex life more, both of us. And what we could do is I've been thinking that we could, you know, and then I've got some tips from there, maybe whatever the problem is, we should each extend a bucket list of

the three things we've been wanting to try. Or let's listen to this podcast together, this radio show, a lot of people listen to the show together and so it's really just opening it up and in a way that is inclusive because people often think they forget that they're on the same team with their partner. That their partner probably wants what they want in bed, but they don't even know how to get there. Or they talked about it once, three years ago, and they're pissed because they said to their partner, you don't initiate enough. And then their partner, they're like, were you going to shape more in their partners? Yeah, and then it didn't happen. And they're like, well, we talked about it once., you don't initiate enough. And then they're partner, they're like, were you initiate more on the partners?

Yeah, and then it didn't happen. And they're like, well, we talked about it once and you don't realize it. Like you're saying with your old, but like you have to learn lessons all the time. No one ever changed a habit by hearing something once. It's an ongoing conversation

that you keep having in your relationship and that's how you grow together. It's a practice. Communication is a practice. It's a practice. So when I'm hearing you saying what might be interesting is almost communication scripts around sexual taboo conversations. Yeah.

I mean, I have my new book I get to how using the right words can radically transform your life relationships and business. And it's all more corporate. I love it, though. And how to speak because people, they lose their voice in so many different situations from the bedroom to the corporate boardroom. And what would it look like to be able to support people with specific communication scripts if you will, like how to bring up, oh, you know, some of the things.

I want to have a three-some or a three-some. Exactly. I mean, mismatch libido, that's another big thing. We don't want sex at the same time. That's another question. Yeah. So I love the concept three so far. Exactly. I have mismatch libidos. That's another big thing. We don't want sex at the same time. That's another question. Yeah. So I love the concept of your work. Can we just say that?

Because even just the, I get to, instead of I have to. And I've got, I've been so helpful for to me. We get to have sex. No. Not I have to have sex with you. Yeah. If you think about that, it's like such a buzz kill. It is.

It's the power of reframe. It is reframing. And power, like, like, say, go, I have to go to work today. Or I have to go meet these people for dinner. Or if you just slash it, I get to. Yes. Talk about gritty talk about, oh my God, I'm so lucky I get to go to work and I have a job.

I'm lucky I have a family I get to go see over Thanksgiving. Absolutely. And that's your link I have to. So it's really powerful, the power of language, you're right. There could be some scripts. There could be some scripts. So what be some scripts. So so what I'm hearing interesting is the the best the best of sex with Emily

perhaps with all the themes and communication being one of the themes. So orgasms and penis and all the things that you meant. I told myself I wouldn't say penis. Stain PC, to stay in PC. He's here, staying PC. And as you want to say, cock instead. I love this. I have a corporate audience, you know? It's OK.

It happens here. I love it. So you can have all of these different themes and address them around the communication scripts. And what I love about, because sex is a topic, just as real estate is a topic, or what have you, all my clients, they come to me and they're passionate about something

and whatever they want to write about, and your topic is sex, and there's so much texture and layers to sex. And so what I'm thinking, the best of sex with Emily, transcribing some of the best shows and ensuring that they are It's have you heard of the Tim Ferriss book tools of Titans? Yeah, that's what we did. Yeah, it's a great book And he just took the best podcasts essentially and then Transcribed it and at the end tips learned lessons learn takeaways for the audience and it could be almost a reference book

Yeah, that's because almost at this point after 14 years, I've got a freaking library of stuff that just needs to be, but that just seemed overwhelming. But you're right. We just hire people and they transcribe them and they listen and you, yeah. Okay. Alicia Dunham's best seller in a weekend, best seller in a night. But you guys, I want to hear what you think. What book would you want to read about sex?

Because people might not be searching. Well, would you are you searching for this information? Would you read it? Would you gift it? Triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven. Yeah, I can't wait to hear. I think that sounds like a good plan. Yes.

And once you finish that book, you do get to write your memoir. Okay. So do this one first, and then it'll get me into the writing and then the memoir after that. Absolutely. But here's my question. What makes a book best seller quality? Okay, so do this one first and then it'll get me into the writing and then the memoir after that absolutely But here's my question. What makes a book bestseller quality? Hmm. Like what sets a bestseller across from apart from other books? Well, there's lots of variables when I named my My company bestseller in a weekend. It was becoming an Amazon bestseller

And so we learned the strategy to become a bestseller in Amazon Obviously you can come in New York Times with a seller. So it's based on the number of books that you sell. It's based on how you rank in terms of Amazon search, functionality, and ranking. And for someone like you, because you have such an audience, I mean, these things are going to be pretty, pretty you got the back there.

Yeah, it's sex. Yeah, like it's going to sell. It's going to sell, and because you're audience're audience and your platform and so many people love you. Okay, so we're going to do that. I think, I mean, what are you guys think calls and, you know, with other things? Okay, so that's thank you. So that's what's going to be, what do you guys think? Jamie, transcriptions?

I think that I never even thought of that, but that's such a good idea because one, you're going to take the information, because there's so much information in your podcast. It curates. Thousands of podcasts. Curate it. And you can have sections of, like, is it like a discussion you're having with a guest or is it an email you did or a call that you did

so people can see the conversation. And then you're like, all right, that happened. Here's your takeaways. And I think it just makes it, first of all, it's half the book is written. More than half. Right. I love that idea.

I never even thought of that. It's such a good idea. There you go. She promised she'd help. I know you're amazing. I love you. At least it left. She was like, we love her when she was here a few weeks ago

doing her show. Yeah. You're awesome. And the topic, so sex with Emily, so the title of the book would be the best of sex with Emily. And sex with Emily is a keyword search term. So people people are gonna be looking for it on Google and on Amazon And so it will get you to the top ranks in terms of your book will show up with your with your podcast and radio shows Amazing and I can't do it in a weekend

We can make that happen Okay, well everyone you guys got it I've to ask you the five questions we asked every guest But at least you Dunham's, you can find our Twitter and Instagram. It's at Alicia Dunham's, that's ALICIADUNAMS, and then it's bestsellerin-a-weekend.com. Yes, and if you do slash checklist,

forward slash checklist, there's a free gift for you. Oh, free gift? They get to learn checklist how to do. So bestseller-weekend.com, forward slash checklist. I would sign a I am already I'm like I'll sign up for anything she's selling. She's amazing. Okay I have to ask you the questions that we ask all of our guests. Okay. Okay ready. Um what is one thing you would tell your younger self about sex and or relationships? Hmm so I have a 17 year old daughter so it's like me telling her. So sex or relationships, it would definitely be the importance of intimacy when it comes to sex.

Okay. That's a big one for me. Yeah. What is your favorite part about your body? My legs. Yeah, dude, me too, your her body legs. Those are the legs. In the next lifetime.

I want those legs. Okay. What's your favorite personality trait in another person? legs, those are the legs. In the next life time, I want those legs. Okay, what's your favorite personality trait in another person? Laughing, humor, absolutely. I love to laugh. What's your dating deal breaker? Dating deal breaker.

If you're out in date, what's your name? Being boring, I fell asleep on a date. Actually, I was upright. I was upright at a dinner. It was probably like eight o'clock and I fell asleep. Oh my god, that's amazing. And I was like, and I mean, you can't be boring. No, you cannot.

You cannot be boring. You gotta keep this moving. Did you like, did you like, did you like, did you like, wake up with that, with the head? Yeah, like the head. Yeah, I had a little bit of drool. Yeah. And he was smiling through.

He was just looking at me. That is amazing. I was just like, in wake, he was like, I'm hallowed like shaking your way. He was like, your mommy. Glorgest sleeper. I'm so excited. He was just happy to be there.

I have no idea. That's amazing. That's the best story ever. Okay, what's your biggest turn on? My biggest turn on. Oh, there's so much. Let me think. Oh, biggest turn on. My biggest turn on. Oh, there's so much. Let me think of a biggest turn on being held, um, viewing safe. And, um, yeah, I'm going to keep it. Okay, I tried

PG for you. I did. Okay, thank you so much for being here. I said, this is awesome. Find our Adelisa Donems bestsellerinuregan.com. All right, we're going to take a quick break and when we come back, we're going to get into your emails. All right guys, I love answering your questions. It's why I do what I do. And if you want to question answered on the show, go to my website sexwithemily.com. Click on the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form or you can always email us feedback at sexwithemily.com, click on the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form, or you can always email us, feedback at sexwithemily.com.

It has always included your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And I guess I should tell you to sign up for our newsletter. Mm-hmm. We have this realization that we've had this newsletter, which is awesome, and I want to oversell it. But I got to be honest, people are always like, oh, I catch your email, I love your emails.

Like, even more than they say, I love your podcast, which is funny. I run into more people. Like even more than they say, I love your podcast, which is funny. I run into more people. Maybe some people just read, but anyway, and I thought, I forget to talk about it on the podcast. So if you go to our website, apparently there's a pop up, but if you've already been to our website, there won't be a pop up.

So then you can just do it in the drop down menu. Just subscribe because you'll like it. Jamie's here with me and she's gonna read the emails and we're gonna answer your questions because we love hearing from you. Okay, this first one comes to us from Catherine, who's 22 in Texas. Hi, Emily. You are amazing just so you know, here's my question.

I met my boyfriend on a cam models website. When I met him, he was just a guy looking for someone to care for him because his wife is not showing any interest in him sexually or emotionally. So my job was to fill that spot. Apparently I did a great job to the point me and him fell for each other. We both left our significant others and he drove to Ohio from Texas to meet me in person and the flame grew even larger. Fast forward three years to now, our sex life is almost non-existent. We have sex maybe once a week if we're lucky. I want to work on fixing that, but I think the way I need

to restart my sex drive is my sexting. I was a huge sexer before I met him and he has not. He's 31. So sexting is a thing for me, but he's never done a prior. How do I introduce him to something I need? I miss sexting. It just makes my sex drive awake and aware. All right, Catherine. Thank you for your email.

I love that you're a woman who recognizes that you're responsible for your own desire and that you're thinking, hmm, I know it turns me on. It's when I was with him and my past life before him, I used to love be sexting. I sext it and sexting is like, I love the words in the back and forth and maybe your words of affirmation is your love language. Like, you're missing the sexting and so you're assuming, well, maybe that'll bring back the sparks so you'll want to continue to have sex with them. And I think to Jamie, don't you think that's like a unique perspective and sometimes a

lot of times we hear from people, they're like, what am I doing wrong, like what's wrong with my husband. So I just like that you recognize that. However, what I got to say here is that this is going to happen in relationships first of all, just so you know, because you're younger, you guys have like a nine year age difference at Catherine that you guys got together and you were 19 and it was very exciting and it was this passionate affair and you drove cost country and now you've been you get a three years and in most relationships this is what happens after a while if you don't talk about sex or prioritize your sex

life, you know, we don't pay attention to things that they they will after fee and they will continue they won't serve us anymore. So yes, you absolutely need to just talk to them about your sex life and say to him, what can we do to keep it interesting again? Like at the beginning, you could tell them, like, I love sexing. You could even sex him. You could even say to him ahead of time, babe. I think sexing is so hot. Let's do some sexing right now so I can show you what would be hot.

Or they can use that website, Jamie. Yes. Sleptbot. Sleptbot is free and it's a very cool website that will actually teach you how to text, sext. But the only thing is, is I feel like the age difference and this rush, the way you guys met, I just think that it's normal that your sex life's gonna

win, but I need you to have some conversations with them that are about, you guys have the same values, the same priorities, you have the same values, the same priorities, you have the same page, what is he into sexually, what are you into sexually. I love that you both ran away together. That story can kind of send us drive people for a long time when it's like this passionate affair, but I'm telling you this is probably your first serious relationship. You've been with them for three years and I just need you to take some time and have some

real conversations when you listen. He talks, you talk about feelings and you figure out do we have the same values? Are we on the same page? And then you can talk about your sex life. All right, thanks Catherine. Okay, this next one is from Tim33 in Washington. Hello Emily, I'm a 33 year old divorced bisexual male. I guess my questions more than one would be how to approach it with women, i.e. letting

them know and when. Also, as someone that would like to introduce, say, pegging into the bedroom, how to approach subjects such as that into the bedroom or relationship. All right, hey Tim, I love this question because first of all, I understand like, God, how do you bring these things up? They're both like challenging things,

but I think it depends how important is to you when you first meet a woman and you're talking to her. I don't know that you'd be like, hey, by the way, I'm bisexual, because if it's really about attraction, I don't think you need to lead with that. I think you have to get into a place where you are comfortable with someone. And then to the point where you know that there's actually attraction where you can let them know that you're bisexual, I think that's great.

You don't have to first aid all the things just if it comes up, that's important information. Now about the pegging, let's say you're with somebody that you're into and you feel safe with because a lot of this is about feeling like we're with somebody that we feel safe, at least we trust. I think that if you know you're going to have sex with someone, you've just recently started having sex with somebody. That's the right time to bring up what you're into. So I think you don't have to lead with pegging because not everyone gets it.

Especially women can be confusing. We don't have a lot of information, but to have the conversation of, God, I'm telling me what you're into. I love talking about sex. Do you like talking about sex? Do you have any fantasies? As far as the pegging goes, listen, I think that you guys should both talk about things that you're into.

Have a conversation about fantasies. Like, I talk about, find out. Say, I really want to be a great lover to you. talk about things that you're into, have a conversation about fantasies, like I talk about findouts, I really wanna be a great lover to you. I love fantasizing and experimenting and then let her share with you and you could say, tell her what you're into and include pegging with it

and explain to her what it is and why you think it's hot because I'm just gonna warn you and this is the reality most women don't know and they just think, oh my God, weird, I don't understand it and it might come off as judging and scared. That's how we react to things that are out of the norm. So the more information you can give around it

and say, you know what? I think that pegging, I found that to be really sexy when a woman like it's tell her why you think it's hot and what it feels like and give her information and let her know that's what you're into. I think the sooner that we're honest and open, but we want the sooner we're gonna get what we want. And I have to tell you that people will find

that we're freshening. In fact, the right partners will be like I am on board with this conversation They might even say you know what no one's ever asked you what my fantasies are how interesting I actually don't know but I love that you're bringing it up or you're with someone who freaks out runs out of the room and Guess what not your person At that moment maybe they come back, but I'm just saying I think that more often than not having the real conversations or what we desire in bed will often serve us in the relationship.

All right, so this next one is from Ann. He was 32 in New York. Hi, Emily. I'm a successful attractive female in New York and I've been single for a long time. I date a lot, but have a lot of trouble getting past date three, whether or not I sleep with the guy. I've been ghosted more times than I can count,

whether or not I opt to have sex on the third date. Is it possible that I'm bad and bad? Wouldn't the guy want to at least have sex with me even if he doesn't want to date me? I'm not approved by any means and I love sex, so being single is not held me back. It has meant I haven't gone to explore my sexuality the way I want to for a while with one partner.

That said, if I keep getting ghosted, how else can I improve my skills? Help Emily, I love the show and share with my friends all the time. Thanks. Thanks Anne and thanks for sharing with your friends. By the way, I love when you are like, hey, I'm into it. A lot of you share on my Instagram, you share it in our stories. When you do that, we will share it.

I love it when you guys are like, hey guys, check out this episode. That is awesome. We love that. Okay, so Anne, you know, I get these emails a lot from women and, you know, different ages, different times in their life, but they're like, why? Or men too, why? Why aren't people asking me out after a third date? And so I don't know, it happens, right?

We have this interpretation that these, we tell ourselves stories that things aren't happening and it's different for everybody. But it is hard because if I'm not talking to you, but I'm going to go on the information that you tell me. You say that you've been ghosted a lot, and even when you have sex, you know, that you don't go out with them again, or sometimes you don't even have sex with them

and you don't go out with them again, and you're not approved, and you seem like you're a smart woman. But then your question is, I haven't gotten to explore my sexuality the way I want to be with one partner. Here's what I'm getting from this, okay? Is that there's a way and that you,

what men I think are craving from you is a little more vulnerability and a little more about just who you are and I think and who you are and what you're into and what you like. Okay, so I've a sense that you're having sex with these guys and that maybe there's a way that you haven't fully bit like it's like the third date. It sounds like the way you're dating is very like you're on this goal and you're on this

purpose, but I don't feel a lot of heartfelt stuff here like what you're looking for. And I think it can be really common that we are afraid to be vulnerable as women. And I'm telling you this, as someone who has suffered from this and still has to work on it, a lot of us are not really, you know, it's hard for us to show when we are tough and we're working in and we're surviving. You know, a lot of us kind of play the cool girl,

or we just shut down and I feel like, maybe you haven't really showed them parts of who you are, and they might not even think that you're into them. Like, do you even like these guys? Do you really like them? Are you just kind of like, I'm out with them, but they didn't call me, so now that pisses me off or not? Because I think when you start being really present, like in the moment when you're on a date

with someone, do I like this guy or am I just waiting for them to like me so that I can decide? Like, it's like you're not really present, but I think if you're you're really present and you're paying attention to these guys and you're having honest conversations and you're really being yourself, okay? You're not worried what they're gonna think or what they're gonna, you know, all these things, but if you're really out there dating now because you do not want to be single anymore and you want to get into a relationship with a really good guy in New York. I'd say that maybe you need to just stop for a second and think about what I really want,

what I really want right now, what kind of got, what have I learned on all these dates that they vended after three. You say there's so many. So I think it's important to journal right now and like write down after each date even or like what have you learned, what are the patterns, because I think that there's some great information in here for you. You know, I think that we get on this treadmill of dating, we're going around and around and we keep going, going, going. And then like when you do, when you actually take this stop and you reflect, you're going to get the answers.

You're going to be like, you know what? I was going out with people where they weren't really my type of guys actually. I went out with eight guys in a row that all were blank. So, you know, that doesn't work. And so I think that when we get into this spiral with dating no matter what the problem is, like maybe we're going out too much, maybe we're liking everybody,

or maybe we're the ones ghosting, and we just get stressed out by the thing. This is when it's time to stop. Like get off the merry-go-round of dating, do some self-reflection, you're 32, you've got time to do it, and like think about like, what do I want to bring to the table, what am I looking for? And also like practice being vulnerable even with your friends, you know, letting them know, you know, who you really are and what you're looking for. That's how we make connection and that's how we actually find love on a date.

And one question for you about what she said. So there's a line in here that even said, wouldn't the guy want to at least have sex with me even if he doesn't want to date me? Does that say something about how she actually values herself? Yeah, I think that there's some bloat. Yeah. Absolutely. Now, I believe that there is some self-esteem stuff going on here too.

I think, and this is another great exercise for you to, like, kind of slow it down right now. And of course, you'd want to have sex with you. Here's the thing, you have to remember this. We are under these assumptions that meant always one have sex all the time, 24 or 7. If they don't, you automatically are looking for all these reasons that something is wrong that you are not lovable in some way. I feel like there's some inherent way and that you're expecting guys to feel you've

already set up this narrative that your story is that men ghost you, you might be bad and bad even if they want to sleep with you and and singles bad and things are bad and you want to explore your sexual out of you're not getting it. And so I think there's a there's some, this is some of your messaging that doesn't have to be true. So I think slowing down maybe getting some therapy around this, you know I left therapy, great time to get into it and look at like what are the messages that you're telling yourself, it's all stories. And this is your story now by dating in New York, and I'm not sure, just your story,

it's actually not the truth, remember, our feelings are not facts, remember that. All right. Okay, this next one comes to us from Ray, who is 38 from the United States. Dear Emily, my wife is 37. We haven't had sex in eight years, basically conceiving my son was the last time. Neither of us are on medication or have stressful dogs. When we are around our friends,

my wife likes to make it out like we have sex daily. When I ask her about if she wants sex, her normal response is just like, oh, you're fine. There are times when she plans sex days, but something always comes up, she's tired, sick, has a headache, etc. I don't really care not having sex. It was never something that I craved, quote unquote. So this isn't a big deal for me, but I guess what I'm asking is, are we okay? I think if you have to ask if you're okay, you know that maybe things aren't the best they could be right now, right? So it sounds to me like you guys just have to really have an honest conversation about

your sex life and about the intimacy here because that's what's really important. So clearly your wife, if she's planning the sex dates, it's still in her mind that you know she would like to have sex, unless she's doing it for you, but you're saying that you don't really crave it. So it sounds like you guys need to have a real conversation about your sex life, your intimacy, what's important to both of you and start thinking about because I do think it's important for you guys to continue to find that passion. I mean, if you haven't had it in eight years, it's a long time to not have sex.

Now, if you guys are all the communications amazing and you guys cuddle and watch Netflix and you still kiss maybe and you just are not into sex amazing and you guys cuddle and watch Netflix and you And you still kiss maybe and you just are just not into sex and everyone's happy and there's not problems and you've a healthy life I guess I'd say okay But I think that this is a symptom of other things going on your relationship after eight years and a kid I think it sounds like there's some unresolved issues that are going on and therapy would be amazing for you guys to fast track it. And because to learn how to communicate with each other, you guys remember, it's not easy.

So you can bring it up to her and you can say, listen, I'm not sure if it's, I feel like we need to learn how to connect, see how that goes. But I have a feeling after eight years, no sex, no talking, this is gonna take a professional to work with you in a few sessions and teach you guys skills so you can figure out what the blocks are, what's really going on in your relationships so you could develop healthy skills for communication and for intimacy. Thanks Ray.

All right, this last one comes to us from Aaron, who's 32 in New York. Hello, thank you for your podcast. Love it. My question is, what am I supposed to do when my boyfriend spanks me? I don't mind it, but it doesn't do anything for me and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react. Do I have a surprise? Turn on? Paint? LOL. Again, I don't mind it and would like to enjoy it. I guess I just need to understand more. Thanks.

All right. Okay, Erin. A few things that could be going on here. Maybe he doesn't really know how to spank. For example, like there's some people who just don't spank correctly and so maybe he's like tapping you or he's doing it in a way that's just weird or you might not be into spaking. But either way, if this is your boyfriend, just talk to him, say, you know, I, let's talk when you're not in the bedroom, you could just say, I haven't talked about your sex.

I'm like, let's talk about her sex life. So you know when you spank me during sex, I don't really know how to react because sometimes it feels, it kind of tickles or I find it kind of funny or maybe there's another way you could teach him the truth is that some men don't spank in a way that are women. Here's the thing, you want to make sure that you stay away from any of the but like the side, like the bony parts of the butt and you want to do kind of an under head, an under

the butt spank up. Your fingers are closed and they're not spread apart or that hurts more and you do like a swipe up and you keep getting a little bit harder each time. So he might not know what he's doing. So I think he's talked to him and just say, like, you know what, I love the spanking thing. Let's try to figure out some other things

that would be hot during bed, because that doesn't, let's find some other things. What do you want to do? So for some women, I like being spanked. Like if a guy can spank, it feels good to me. Like I can't, I'm like more.

Spanked me more. Jamie likes spanking too good to me. Like, I can't, I'm like, more. Spank me more. Jamie likes spanking too. So it's like, I think, what I can't tell here is that either you're not doing it right, or you actually don't like it. So if you don't like spanking, and you're not sure how to react, because I think I've always known out,

if someone spanked me, I liked it. And if it was weird, I just maybe like tell him harder or I show them how to do it. So I think you have to do one of those things, Aaron. All right. And let us know how it goes. You guys, you know, I love when you follow up. I love the follow ups.

We love hearing your success stories or if you have more questions. That's how we also love being on Series XM because you guys, like, if you know the subscription, you can call in and we want to say anything. Triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven, five minutes a week, five to seven PM. Cause like I'd love to talk to Aaron.

Like I want to know Aaron, what does it feel like? Like is it that you might like it one day? Anyway, but it's awesome you guys. Thank you for sending me your emails, thank you for listening to the show, telling your friends, sharing the information, so we can all have amazing sex, better lives, more happiness.

Thank you so much for listening. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken Michelle, more happiness. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.