Sex With Emily - Better Dates, Better Sex

Episode Date: December 23, 2022

Variety is the spice of life – as well as vital to your sex life. But how many times have you turned to your partner on Friday night and said: “how about dinner? Usual spot?” Planning a creative date requires thinking outside of the box. That’s why I’ve done the legwork for you of helping you create playful dates that are as unique as they are arousing. From role playing sexy strangers to planning out a sensual dinner at the farmer’s market, these date ideas will give you a break from the norm - while also building sexual tension and enhancing intimacy. Show Notes:Article: How to Train Your PenisVUSH (SEXWITHEMILY for 40% off Next Gen Vibes)Article: These Are The 5 Arousal Styles. Which One Are You?Podcast: What’s Your Arousal Type?The 36 Questions That Lead to LoveOhMiBod blueMotion Panty VibePodcast: Sex & Loving Your Body w/ Shaun TFleur Du Mal x SWE Bundle (FLEURWITHEMILY for 10% off 1st order)Je Joue Luxury Massage Candle (Emily30 for 30% off all products) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All these little things that you try, they might feel a little bit uncomfortable because they are new and you've never done it before, but those are the ingredients that are really important for your arousal and for your attraction. Because the opposite of that is doing what you've always done. You go to dinner, you go to movie, you come home, you brush your teeth, you get in bed together, and then you've sex, and then you fall asleep, and then you're bored, and then you're emailing me what we do to spice it up. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Variety is a spice of life, as well as

vital to your sex life. But how many times have you turned to your partner on Friday night and said, to your sex life. But how many times have you turned to your partner on Friday night and said, how about dinner? Usually we'll spot, planning a creative date requires thinking outside of the box. That's why I've done the legwork for you of helping you create playful dates that are as unique as they are arousing,

from role-playing sexy strangers to picking out ingredients together for a sensual meal. These date ideas will give you a break from the norm while also building sexual tension and enhancing intimacy. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, I want to start off by setting in attention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you get out of your dating rut. By expanding your dating repertoire around specific arousal styles, you'll start having engaging dates that actually lead to sex.

Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show, we totally appreciate it, and my new article How to Train Your Penis for Harder Rections is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel Social Media and Tiktokets all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me your question, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Before we get into today's episode, I want to talk to you about one of our partners, BUSH. And you know that I'm all about setting sex goals, right?

So this year, let's level up our sex toy game, shall we? Let's transition from using only external toys to internal toys, like the Muse Rabbit or the myth G spot toy. These two from Vush's next Gen Vibes collection, which is incredible. In fact, their collections just keep selling out, but this one you have got to check it out. These are incredible internal toys and dual stimulation. You're going to love them. And what you're really going to love is that if you use code, sex with Emily, you get

40% off. That's 40% off any of these amazing toys. And that discount is no joke. So shop now, think me later. It's vushstimulation.com. That's vushstimulation.com, use code Sex with Emily for 40% off. Alright, everyone. Enjoy this episode.

Today's episode is all about adding a variety to your dating life. So, doesn't get boring, doesn't get stale, and that's pretty much what a lot of people are craving in their relationships, something new and something exciting. So, I wanna start out with this email that you sent me that I think really illustrates the predicament that we are tackling today. Tell me if this resonates. This is from Lydia, she's 28 in Virginia.

Hey Dr. Emily, I love your show and follow other podcasts when you're a guest. All right, this is a hard one for me. My long-term boyfriend and I may be sex once every four months. If even, we both want to have sex, but so much time passes between intercourse that it becomes too awkward and vanilla. There are no relationship issues outside of little fights, you know, leaving the toilet seat up.

I love some insight into how to attract each other back to the bedroom without being weird about it. We have great communication. Everything except sex. We plan date nights to initiate intercourse, but then we just lay around and fall asleep. It's like we become too comfortable with each other. What do we do? Okay.

I got you Lydia. Here is a thing. This is a classic, classic challenge that many people have in their relationships. Your best friends, you love hanging out together and everything's great, you're so comfortable. You know, you're like roommates, especially when you're not having as much sex.

So right now, my suggestion to you would be to get curious and to have some really great conversations with your partner about your sex life. Like, think about it. Have you ever talked about your sex life first off? Because you know, I always say, to have that conversation, talk about the three T's of communication,

timing, tone, and turf, have it at a good time when you're hanging out and you guys are kind of just in a good space together. Your tone is light and curious and open and it's outside the bedroom. So you say, you know what? I realize that we both are trying to have sex. It seems like we both know it's important

but we're falling asleep and we're doing all these things that aren't quite working. So how about this? Let's each write down the three most memorable times if you had sex and then swap the list. Well, you know what happens when you do that? Then you can look at you like, oh, this was a memorable time for you. Well, this is a memorable time for me too, or let's

kind of figure out what we've learned, right? So then you can look at that and go, oh yeah, that time that we were on vacation. That was really, really hot. Or maybe you notice a theme to them that every time you had sex is when you initiate it or when you initiate it. And then you see what I mean? You're like learning what elements have to be in place for you both to be turned on and to be willing and ready for sex. So it sounds like you have the intention behind the sex. We got to crack that code about what actually works for you. So I want you to learn to prioritize your sex life again. It seems like you're doing that. But what steps do you take? And this is for everyone to see this is probably a very common steps you take. And this is for everyone listening. This is probably a very common scenario that a lot of people are hearing right now. How do you get back to what you loved about your sex life so much so

that you're inspired to take action? You're inspired to have sex again. It doesn't become like a chore. So I'm going to give you a lot of ideas Lydia here expanding about that and also for everybody listening. Okay. So let's talk about why it's so important in our relationships to have a dating life where you feel inspired. I don't think that I am the first person to tell you how important it is to have a night a week that is your date night, okay? We all know that.

And what I often hear from people is, yeah, I know that it's important, but we can't afford a babysitter, which is a real concern. I get that, or we just get we can't afford a babysitter, which is a real concern. I get that, or we just get, we're so exhausted, we don't have time for it. But I have to tell you this, that there have been study after studies that has shown

that couples who prioritize one night a week, one night a week, where it's just about the two of you, they are statistically more likely to enjoy, high quality relationships, and lower divorce rates. Just as important as the frequency of having a date night, couples who engage in new and exciting activities report having more intense feelings for one another. Okay, so now I've laid it all out for you.

You know it's important to have a date night and you know it's important to do something maybe that's a little varied and exciting. But how do we do that? How do we make dates exciting and interesting and memorable? First, it's important to know your arousal style or your desire style. We do that. How do we make dates exciting and interesting and memorable? First, it's important to know your arousal style, or your desire style. What does that even mean?

Well, we have an episode all about it, and we have an article on our website about the fiber-rousal types, which we will link here. But let me tell you what they are. Through conversation, you get aroused, and feel ready for sex, through touch, through visuals, through physical adventure adventure and play. So what is a rousal?

And often a rousal and desire are conflated. But for purposes here, a rousal is the physical manifestation of your desire. So desire is the wanting to have sex. It's that drive in your head like I want to have sex, right? And then a rousal is the physical manifestation of your desire. So here I am, I'm thinking about sex, and now I'm getting aroused. So arousal is the physical signs that happen in your body

when you're turned on, OK? So your breath is quickening. Your heart rate is increasing. You can feel the blood flow to all of your rogenous zones, which of course include your genitals, right? You feel that pulsing in your body. So that is a rousal. But let's just get into the arousal types,

because it's important to know, OK, I hear you. I want to get a rouse and I want to be turned for sex. But what can I do to kind of correct this code and make it easier for myself to actually do that? So arousal types, if you're aroused through conversation, it means that you get a rouse through emotional connection that you and your partner create through like talking and laughing and relating and having like deep conversations Maybe it's about your relationship and you feel closer to your partner you do feel more Arouse and turned on before any touching occurs. It's almost like that is your foreplay my part of now You might be thinking yeah, we have these great conversations about what our desires are for the future or great book

We read our television show we're watching that really turns me on. Okay, then we have touch. So this means that touch, like you require touch to get your heart racing to get you in the mood for sex. It could be like your partner just brushes your arm lightly, maybe they touch your cheek, maybe it's a kiss, and that's going to get you going, and that's going to get you the most turned on. The next one is visuals. You know, you get turned on by what you see. The way your partner looks, your partner looks really sexy. Maybe you look at photos of them.

And it could be you. It could be your own reflection in how sexy you look to yourself. It could be a fantasy, but that just means that for you to be in your peak arousal state, you are visualizing something, okay? And then play.

I would say that couples who play together, stay together. And this means that if play is your desire style, you love when sex is playful and fun. You try a lot of new things in your life in an outside of the bedroom. And when you're doing something new and exciting, you are feel the most alive and the most yourself. And particularly for this case, you feel especially turned on when you are

playing. Maybe you guys are playing games in the evening together. You do wordle every morning. You have an ongoing backgammon game. You love play. Okay. Physical adventure. So this is like you feel vital and alive doing physical activities like working out or hiking, which releases feel good chemicals in the body. And so this is prepped. You need to feel sexual like when you and your partner do your hikes on the weekends,

you for the most aroused or maybe you take an exercise class once a week and you're like, we are always turned on after that. Okay. So that's a little refresher there. But now you know about this. How do you even date that sort of slots into your arousal type? So you know that there's more of a likelihood if I do one of these things that sex is gonna follow.

And maybe this is gonna be the kickstart to your sex life that you've been craving. Okay, conversation. If this is you, this is your arousal type, try the learning date, okay? So a date where you're learning, and this is a turn on, you know, if you enjoy taking in new information, learning a new skill, figuring out something together,

like a escape room, right? You as could do an escape room date. You're going to require conversation. It's going to, where your mind's coming together and kind of figuring out a solution, but a lot of talk about satiosexuals in recent years, meaning that you are most attractive to somebody that you feel is intellectual, or you really deep conversations with them. So it's like your brain, you know, when I say your brain is the largest sex organ, that definitely applies for satiosexuals.

And so it can even be, you know, the perceptions of a high level of intelligence in other person is like so substantial that that's gonna get you really aroused and turned on. And it might be more so than any attribute. And I give relate to this. Like I've never been somebody who's not, oh, this person's really hot. I want to have sex with them right now.

I usually, for me, it's like, do I know this person? If I connected with them, have I had a conversation with them about something? And then that's when my attraction starts going for somebody, okay? That is like a requirement for me. Also, when you learn with somebody, it can be vulnerable. You're actually sharing what you know and you're sharing your opinions and expressing them and you're engaging in a new activity. It's really have some serious intimacy building there as well. When you're learning and growing and maybe even challenging each other, that spark That spark. So here's some specific date ideas. Maybe you go see like an art

house movie together with subtitles, even. Like those kind of movies, you go to dinner after, you talk about it, and that just might be the spark that you needed. Maybe you go to cooking class, you get a recipe together, you're problem solving, and then you have a great meal after. You could play games together. This is the thing about playing those games, like those 36 questions to fall in love. It was at New York Times article that came out years ago now that showed that these are the 36 questions

to ask any partner to fall in love. You could take a pottery class together. Pottery classes are really hot these days. If you heard about this, I feel like all my friends are like, you wanna take a pottery class? I'm taking a pottery class and like, okay, so that's a thing. You can go to a tea ceremony and learn about the ritual of that. You take a shabari class together, which is like Japanese rope tying and you can learn if you're into some bondage play.

That would be a really fun way to do it. You could also hire dominatrix and they could teach you BDSM skills. The other two arousal styles is touch and visuals. So this is really using your five senses. So I'm gonna put these arousal types together. I'm going to expand this arousal type to include all five senses we talk about dating. Because really touching and sight are the two that we really associate with pleasure,

but studies have shown for sure that utilizing all five senses, especially in an experience with our partner or with anybody, not only makes this really more present, but it's also directly related to our happiness. Think about a concert, okay? Why we love concerts, or many of us love concerts, going to a live public event, it's because all of our senses are stimulated, right? They're all in the moment. You are visually looking at this great concert, this display. Maybe there's a light show. You're smelling, maybe it's the familiar, like the popcorn or the food of the concert, or maybe it's like,

I don't know, marijuana, whatever people are, you're smelling, you're associated with the concert. You're moving your body. There's touch, you're with your concert, you're moving your body, right? There's touch with your partner and you're dancing together. Taste maybe you're like eating that food that the concerts that you love. I don't always love popcorn or these things. So why these events are turned on is because when we're having positive sensory experiences, it gives us those dopamine hits and those like the risk reward system in our brain, which are closely linked. The more immersive a date is, that is it it all of your senses are engaged in the moment

because remember, when we are engaged in all of our senses, when they are all connected, when you are present and you're aware to what you're hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling, your present, you literally can't be anywhere else, but present when all your senses are engaged, okay? So what are some date ideas when we're focusing on touch and visuals?

Well, you can go see an immersive art installation. If you notice it like art's been flourishing in the last year, which I love. You can see like, um, alamia wolf. That's one touch. Okay. So here's a really fun date idea. I love the Oh my God blue motion next one panty vibe. You know, I love a Panty Vive,

which means you essentially are wearing this little vibrator in your pants, and your partner can control it from wherever you are. You could be at a rock concert, you could be at a dinner, you could be doing something, and you know, you never know, but all of a sudden, your partner's gonna be vibing you. So they're in control of it,

and you're starting to feel some vibrations between your legs, talk about stimulating some senses, right? Having a good time, being present. I don't know, that's a really fun, playful date. That's almost date in itself. It really doesn't matter what you do, I think if you're wearing a vibrator between your legs, you could also make fun, do it home. Think about making fun, do you how sensory that is?

You could go to a sensory deprivation tank, meaning you're removing all your senses, so think about how much, you know, how much that does when you remove all of them, you really do have a kind of presence that you can't really experiment. You can't really explain unless you actually go into one of these tanks. I don't know if they have them in your city,

but check them out. They're all over, I know in Los Angeles, and they're really good time. They're also part of self-care, be honest. It's a very cool experience to deprive yourself of senses and then to come back to them because everything feels that much more intense. You could go to wine tasting, candlelit bubble bath.

Those are my favorite. I love a bubble bath. Get a couple's massage or give each other erotic massages. Can I just say, I think this is a really underrated activity for couples to give each other massages and know you don't have to be a massage expert. You really just need some oil and just tell your partner to lay down and then you can just start to explore their bodies.

They can slay on their stomach. It doesn't have to be sexual, but it's a way of using touch to kind of calm your partner's nervous system gets you guys more connected and sort of take sex off the table also. You know, it's something it's a great precursor to sex and I think that couples who could have learned to play with erotic massages sort of learn to really like serve each other and what I also love is having a erotic massage for like one week. It's your turn for the massage, so you're just receiving, and the next week you're giving it.

And I think that couples who kind of play with this, it's gonna be a lot to say, like work at both, gonna give each other a massage tonight, but it's something that I've done in my relationship as well, we're one like Monday nights, cause my days can suck. I'll give him a massage and he gives me a massage. There's something better than getting a massage

and knowing that you don't have to do anything afterwards. So kind of taking that pressure off your partner, but knowing that you both are like kind of connecting and doing something for each other and that yours is coming around next week or the next night can be a really great connection and agreement with your partner. And recalling my podcast, I did with Sean T. U.S. should totally check that one out, but he and his husband have photos of himself like they know they are visual. And they have photos of themselves in the bedroom,

like naked, seductive, really sexy photos of them in their bedroom. And that they know when they see that, it gets them in the mood, it gets them turned on, if they feel very connected to each other. And like after over a decade of being married, they still suddenly each other naked picks throughout the day. And they're like, I love to see my partner naked.

And they just both know that it's a visual thing for them and that's how they get aroused. So again, this is all about you guys realizing like, how can you focus on the senses, knowing that perhaps senses is your arousal type and how do you hone in on them on a date? So you feel more connected, more turned on, more likely to want to have sex. You'll want to stick around because when we're back, I'll be discussing more ways to build dates that actually lead to sex. The next one is play. Okay, so for this one, you love play.

You love playing with your partner. This is going to get you feeling connected. I recommend fun, loving dates, playful dates. They can be very imaginative, they're connected to fantasy. You might get turned on and you actually thrive when you and your partner are engaged together in new experiences, whether you're in the bedroom or out of the bedroom.

Well, there actually have been studies that show that that translate into the bedroom. So you're a really playful couple and you might just find the more playful things you do outside, you're gonna be experienced to do them inside. And the other thing you might have in fun, playful dates is that it really helps spark creativity and I think that we're all kind of craving that, right?

And it's really nice when you feel creative with a partner and then the turn that also led you guys to bond more. Like we are bonding over this creative experience. And then that bonding can lead to more arousal and connection. Here are some date nights. For you, if you find yourself craving play, and that is a big source of your arousal, I would write an advantage to script for my partner. Like if you're the writer of the relationship, which I am the the writer of the relationship, which I am the writer, I might say, okay, baby, I'd send him a text or like a shared note.

I'd say, this is our plan for tonight. You're gonna come home, we're gonna make dinner. Maybe it's some special kind of, you know, meal that we've both been craving. I know for me, I'd be like, and then I'm gonna come out and be wearing this new thing that I got. I probably mentioned the Florida mall bundle,

which is like the sexy baby doll outfit that I have that you have to try. We'll put that in the show notes as well because it's really, really sexy and accessible. Do you ever feel like side note that you wanna be wearing something that you feel sexy and you don't remember to put it on during the day or you don't have time after a date?

All the Florida Mall stuff is really kind of multi-use. But this baby doll thing just makes me feel sexy, but I wanna work it into a script that I know that it's part of the plan and that's also anticipatory. So if I write a script like we're gonna have this great meal, we're gonna make fondue, we're gonna have our favorite dessert,

which is this little chocolate filled cupcake thing. We have that when you warm it up, that the chocolate comes out of it, and then we whip cream, and we have these meals that we love eating together, and then I would wear this sexy dress, this baby doll dress. So I would write this all out and I would say this is our date night because first it's just hot to know that you are thinking about something. You've anticipation to what comes next and we're sort of co-creating a really fun playful date. Some other date ideas, they throw a costume party with a group of friends.

He was the reason I think people love costume parties beyond how the wind is because you get to show up in something that maybe you wouldn't normally wear. A lot of times you wear things that make us feel our most powerful, our sexiest, our most desirable. And then you're at a party together, so all night you're wearing this thing, you're wearing this outfit that makes you feel good

and then you get to get home and take it off of each other. But that whole night you're sort of acting as an alter ego perhaps or another version of yourself. Close can make us act and feel sexy playful. So think about incorporating more costumes and maybe even a wig can be something that mixes it up, right? You're always a brunette, but tonight you're going to wear a blonde wig. Playing sexy stranger, I love this. I love playing sexy stranger. You know, you say to your partner, like tonight, we're going to be at our local bar, and we're both going to get there at eight, and we're going to show up, and we don't know each other. So I want you to come with a different name.

Maybe it's somebody that you always pictured yourself to be, or you thought that this is another version of yourself Right, and you get to think about like who am I? How old am I what career do I do? What are my sexual turn on and then if you're giving a different name Then you and your partner get to kind of rekindle that whole first meeting of each other But now you're actually other people But you know they're still the attraction and it's just a fun playful game. And side note, you might be thinking, I could never do that.

That's so awkward. My partner, I know each other, we would laugh. Well, this is probably a great time for me to remind you that dating and sex and all the things are funny and fun and you laugh. And I would say the more you laugh and the more you play together and the more fun you have together, the better sex you're going to have. So it's much better to try these things out and just see how it goes because I think you're going to be like, oh, yeah, we couldn't really get into the role play at first. I kept calling them Bob and that's his name.

So what? All these little things that you try, they might feel a little bit uncomfortable because they are new and you've never done it before. But those are the ingredients that are really important for your arousal and for your attraction. Because the opposite of that is doing what you've always done. You go to dinner, you go to movie, you come home, you brush your teeth, you get in bed together, and then you've sex, and then you fall asleep,

and then you're bored, and then you're emailing me, what do we do to spice it up? Another great thing is re-adacting your first date. Where did you go on your first date? How did you feel? What was really fun about it? And do that. Maybe you can wear the same thing or plan that for your partner. Again, it's his little surprises. Take a dance class

together. So many ideas. Play truth or dare. Another really fun thing to do is to go to a sex toy store with your partner or a laundry store and go in and kind of just let yourself be guided by what's on the tables there, what section are you attracted to. Maybe once you're both in it together, you're like, what do you think about this toy? What do you think about this laundry? Then you get to try it out. You get to feel it. Maybe there's different lobes or massage oils.

I can't think of a more fun day and I that's going to stimulate all of your senses. It's going to be playful. It's going to be new. It's going to be that variety, which a lot of things that we are craving in our relationships. Okay? Those are playful dates. Let's get into physical adventure.

That is your arousal style. For this arousal type, I recommend dates that are going to get your heart pumping and your blood flowing and your adrenaline racing. Because a lot of times when we are having challenges with a rousal and we're not feeling us turned on anymore, it's usually because of blood flow. You can't get a reaction, you're not feeling any of those pulsing your genitals, it's because the blood flow

isn't flowing. These things are going to help you move that along. So when we do something like this, we're releasing all those feel good hormones, right? Like endorphins are an instant mood elevator, right? And then when you feel elevated with your partner, then you're naturally connected. Here are some date ideas, okay?

Go hiking together, go trail riding, rent bikes. Rent bikes in your own city that you live in if you don't have bikes. I love bike riding. It's adventurous, you go places, you wouldn't normally go. You can do indoor rock climbing, hot yoga. My partner and I do hot yoga all the time together and we love it.

You're hot, you're sweaty, you got the adrenaline going, you're like looking into it, they're sweating and then you know, it's a good time. You go home, shower. It's a fun activity. Try working out with your partner. Another thing, ax throwing. There's trends of ax throwing bars everywhere. Is that your thing?

Would you like to go ax throwing? It's a great one. Wherever you live, you can find places that say like, what's happening in the city this week? I don't care how big or small your town is. There is somebody in your town that is collecting everything that's happening and all the fun things to do. Roller skating is a good time. Ice skating.

Visit the farmer's market. Talk about sensory stimulation. Going to the farmer's market with your partner because you're planning food for the week. You're smelling and you're tasting different things that you want to try. You're touching the vegetables together. You're planning. I think the farmer's market is actually a great place to continue to stay connected and then kind of plan for future arousal.

Maybe you're going to make a sexy dinner one night. And then there's like winter vibes. Think about it. Like go snowboarding, you can go skiing, you can go ice skating. There's a lot to do right now in the winter. Don't stay inside, get outside and play. Especially if you know that your arousal style is all about adventure. Okay, those were some date ideas that you can build around your different arousal styles and now I'm going to get into some of your

questions. This is from Michael in California. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been fascinated with massage as a way to get closer to my wife. I love it, but I just can't seem to get my wife interested in it. Do you have any ideas? Of course, I struggle with the right way to approach her with the idea. Help! Alright Michael, I get it. It can be really hard to talk to our partners about what we really feel that we are requiring from them, especially when it comes to our time in the bedroom. It's not easy to talk to our partners, especially our long-term partners about it. First, I would talk to our outside the bedroom and just say you really would love to work

on ways to connect more intimately. Now, I know you said you've already tried that and you said she's not into massage. Maybe you could tell her a little bit more about what you mean by massage because there are so many benefits to couples massage. Not only does receiving touch stimulate all those feel good hormones like dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin, but once you do that, it works together to really lift your spirits, improve your mood. You'll experience increased amount of affection and attraction and more intimacy. And it's just a really great way for couples to spend time together without having to be looking at your phone or dealing with problems or being out at a dinner

or even being at home navigating sex who's going to initiate, who's not. So when you decide that you are going to give each other a massage, as you can decide that one day it's your turn to give a massage and then the next time it's her turn to give a massage. Because when we really receive a rodic touch from our partner, not only does it feel incredible and has all those benefits I said of receiving touch, but it's just a really connected way to enhance intimacy to feel closer to your partner and to being able to Receive without feeling like you have to give in the moment, right? It's so nice to have a date where you are just receiving touch from your partner and you don't feel like you have to roll over and give back to them.

So I recommend that you just let her know that you have been sort of diving into understanding couples massage and you really think it's something that's going to enhance your intimacy, that she's really going to appreciate, that's going to feel good. You can even ask her what her concerns are about it. Listen guys, anytime your partner says no to something or they're not into it, you're allowed to say, oh okay, well tell me more about that. What do you think it is about massage that doesn't sit right with you? And this is where we have to become really good listeners, you know, and say, maybe she says, oh, I don't know.

I just feel like it's another code word for sex. Well, you could say, oh, no, I'm actually not trying to have sex. I'm actually trying to connect intimately and find new ways to touch each other because we have so many places in our body that feel incredible when touched and also it helps release tension and stress and anxiety. I feel pretty safe saying that a lot of us experience anxiety. Maybe at least one of you in the relationship if not two. So there's just a lot of benefits to it and you can just let our notes a new way to connect. But again, hear her out because I think maybe once she hears what you had in mind with massage, she might come around and be willing to join you.

And Michael, here's a great tip for a massage too. I'm obsessed with massage candles if you've been listening to me for a while. It's not a regular candle, so don't be lighting your regular candles. It is a candle that is made for massage. So you light it and J.Ju makes the most glorious massage candle. You know I love J.Ju, they make excellent toys, but now they make a massage candle that has this incredible fragrance that just really gets you in the mood for a massage. What you do with these, you just allow the candle to melt for like 15 minutes and then you just pour the wax

onto the skin. I like to blow it out first, and it's just so sensual to feel this warm oil because really it turns into oil on your skin. And it's super sexy, and I love it to do for it because now it doesn't smell great. It's lit, and then you blow it out and pour it and how fun to like put a blindfold on your partner. And the best thing about J.G. I'm so glad we're talking about this

is that you can use code Emily 30 for 30% off at jz.com that's J-E-J-O-U-E.com and everything I mentioned here you can also find in the show notes. Let me know how that goes Michael. I don't know. I love massage by partner. It really is one of the best things that I think you can do and really learn. There's some great courses online you could take about a neurotic massage, you don't have to be perfect, you don't need to skill set,

it's really just touching your partner in a way that you know, feels good to them and they can guide you and let you know what they like. This is from Kyle, he's 25 in Ohio. Hey Dr. Emily, my wife and I just welcomed our son to the world at the end of April. It has been about five months without sex, which is understandable because I know how she felt at the end of pregnancy, losing herself and all the other changes we're occurring.

Plus, you know, we have to wait six weeks postpartum. And since we're not having sex, I needed to channel my feelings and emotions and find resources and podcasts to help improve our sex life. We're still young and I don't want to lose what we had before kids. I haven't been able to find anything that's really helpful. I think it'd be really challenging to be intimate with a newborn in the room, not to mention if the baby starts getting fussy in the middle of sex. We do talk about sex.

I bet it's about the possibility of scheduling sex dates once a week, but when we decided it would end up becoming another chore, and us just pushing it back or day or two when something else comes up, or if we're just too tired. We still do backrobes and such to keep some sort of physical contact, but we both want our sex life back. And the advice to be greatly appreciated. All right, thank you so much. Kyle, congratulations on the newborn, and thank you for your question. You know, I have to say that, this is a really common question and it takes couples a lot longer than advertised to get back to a more normal sex life. I get that five months as a long time though, but the challenge is the six weeks that Dr. Sae postpartum also, and usually it's a lot longer than that.

It's really important that you both continue to connect intimately and I love that you're giving back rubs. Maybe there's some other things you can do. So much about sex right now could be painful. Maybe penetration is just off limits. Takes vulva owners time to heal. Some recommendations would be mutual masturbation where you're both know that you're getting off,

but you're still connecting. The she need her free massage. Is she just really, really tired at the end of the day or there's some more things that you can help with around the house? She just wants to feel taken care of and loved, maybe without the pressure of sex. So how else can you be supportive and loving

and get her back into her body and feeling sexual again? You know, I think I just want to normalize the fact that it can take women after giving birth, it can take them five months. It can take a mid-year. But at the same time, again, we got to work at great communication and really connecting. Could you get a babysitter? I think that day-night is a non-negotiable. I think that couples as soon as they can start getting out, without the baby, baby-go-out, you talk about the baby because you still need to prioritize your relationship. It is just as important as're still need to prioritize your relationship.

It is just as important as a relationship you have with your child. Alright, thanks for your question. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemleaf.com.