Sex With Emily - Better You, Better Sex - How to Have It All

Episode Date: December 6, 2014

Tonight’s show is all about helping you learn what sex can be at it’s very best. Emily welcomes two guests with a very unusual profession: Tamar and Raymond Reilly are a happily married couple who also happen to be sex surrogate therapists. Together they address some common sexual roadblocks people experience and give tips to help you improve your life, both in and out of the bedroom. Emily and her guests share some of their top tips to help couples enhance their sex lives and explain why you should never stop learning how to be an amazing lover. Great sex is not an innate skill - It’s something you have to expand and work toward. You should never stop This Podcast has tips to help you find your way and have the best sex of your life. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, tonight's show is all about having sexual success. We're talking sex-terrogate therapists who are trained to help people overcome sexual roadblocks and improve their lives in and out of the bedroom. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Okay, everyone. I've got a great idea for you, for the holidays. Okay. Listen, you know those people on your list, those guys that are really hard to buy for, because

I've got a lot of them. And it's hard, because you want to give something useful and personalized. And in the holidays, I always feel like I'm just getting ripped off and everything's over at price. You have to go to the mall. It's a hassle. I hate that. But I just got a package from Harry's Razors. And now, I'm getting it for every guy on my list. It's done. It's not your typical gift, I know. But every guy would love this because who doesn't shave? And there are amazing razors. I mean, I'm not going to go to the drugstore and pick up a cheap razor and say, Happy Holidays, I got you this piece of plastic. You know, I'm not going to do that.

Harry's razors super lightweight. They're smooth and you know it's a premium blade. Their products are high quality and shipped and sophisticated packaging. It looks really nice. You can also gift the monthly shave plan. Plus, they have sets for only $15. It's already wrapped, shipping is free. You'll get the razor. You can get three quality braids and a tube of their foaming shave gel

or shave cream for $10. With my promo code Emily, you get $5 off your first purchase. Go to harries.com now. That's harries.com. Enter coupon code Emily for $5 off. You will love it. It's a great gift.

Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a bygone way. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here.

I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. You can check out all of our podcasts, and I've got a lot of them. You should also set up our mailing list because I give really good email.

I don't want to brag about it, but I do. And just check us out. Support us, love us. Like it's on Facebook and Twitter, Instagram. It's all sex family. And I'm here with Anderson. Hey. Hi Anderson.

How are you? It's good to see you. I love that, like I'll be looking down at something else, right? And even though I'm sitting right across from you, and I can tell when you're smiling, just by the way you talk. Really?

Yeah, yeah. I should smile, right? You should smile throughout the show. But no, then you're smiling just by the way you talk. Really? Yeah, yeah. I should smile right. You should smile throughout the show. But no, then you be a freak. Don't do that. Really? Do they say that you should smile and it makes you happier? Have you heard that?

Well, you can tell some of these like douchebags you do like radio spots and I'm like, hey, come on down this weekend and you can tell they're smiling but it's like a put on because I don't really care that Honda's having to say. Right. But you're smiling because you're actually enjoying yourself. I'm having, this is my favorite night of the week. My favorite thing ever to do in the world is to do my podcast Which I'm lucky that I get to do it. It's my third favorite day of week

What your other your podcast like Friday which is my Saturday and then Saturday which is my son That was a pretty good. Okay. This is fun. No, and it's almost my third favorite Okay, whatever at least I'm on the list dude at least my favorite work day of the week. How about that? I love cuz it's your last day the work week whatever it's okay. You're in front of me smiling. I least I'm on the list, dude. At least I'm on the list, pretty good. It's my favorite work day of the week, how about that, Em? I love it, because it's your last day of the work week, whatever, it's okay. I think I'm like, I know, I'm really happy. I don't know why. No, I am happy, because I'm excited on our guests.

We have tomorrow and Raymond Riley, their sex targets. They know how to have sex, and they help people have better sex, so we're gonna be talking to them in a little bit. And also, Anderson, I'm moving offices tomorrow, which is very exciting, and it's like, I know. Well, because I'm moving to a bigger space. Oh, that's good. Yeah, a bigger I'm moving offices tomorrow, which is very exciting. And it's like, I don't know. Well, because I'm moving to a bigger space. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, a bigger space. And it's right across the street, but it's gonna be just like, we're just packing up all of our sex toys and it's madness in our current office. You can't believe the sex toys and condoms we have amassed in that little office that we have. All our boxes.

Yeah, it's crazy. Everyone's walking by and we're, oh my God. I'm gonna take the box and see if I can see the lot. Vibrating? Yes, they are vibrating. Actually, oh, speaking of vibrate. Okay, so listen to what happened to me. So I'm home the other day and I'm working from home in the morning, which means you're beating off. I did. I actually, when I work from home, I usually use the opportunity to try a new vibrator, which is, you know, typically it is my job. So it is working from

home. Um, the Wevibe Touch, it was awesome. It's purple, and it's a really great vibrator. But besides that, I put in a load of laundry, which I have a garage that has laundry in all my storage in it. I don't park in the garage. And so I put in my laundry, go back in my house, and like two hours later, I go back out to put the laundry in the dryer, and it's flooding.

And there's water all over the garage, right? It's flooding. And there's literally, I'm pulling like my photographs are in there all my and then it's mostly sex toys As you know, but the floating vibrates. Yeah, there's like cock rings floating around and like looms are open I mean, it's crazy right and and there's boxes because all the stuff is like in in paper boxes like my liberator wedge Literally all floating and I wrappers from like bullets and condoms the water-based Lou was so I had to call water-based it was fine So I had to call my landlord You know the one who caught me with all the

Russian they're Russian man. Yes. Why you do so much sex in my It's like I always try to keep it from so I call I had to text them I'm like listen the garage is overflowing can you come and he comes right over because he lives next door and I'm picking up like streams I've got wrappers of condoms I'm picking up and just looking at me giving this like Bok and throwing away boxes of toys and and I was very very embarrassing but nothing got ruined except for just a few toys and some condoms But um it was floating all of it and I suggest that you're the boxes Fucking the these suggest you were fucking the uh the washing machine

Exactly ask a special what happened? It's broken the washing machine is broken like I did something But when you sit and spin yeah Exactly. Did he ask a special? What happened? He's not asking me. It's broken. The washing machine is broken. Like, I did something. But when you did it. You sit and spin. Yeah. Actually, do you know my book that is one of the pages is having sex on the spin cycle on the washing machine? How have you done that?

I haven't. No, I'd be writing about that. But people have. No, I have actually not. But you know what? It's on my bucket list for the sheer. I'm going to have sex on top. But you know, it's in the garage.

As soon as it's fixed. I did have sex in my garage, garage though when I first moved to LA. With a person? No, I just remembered that. I did. I'd great sex, actually. Is there a door on this garage? No, I'd say I have a couch in there.

Oh, the couch guy. Did you bang the couch guy? No, I didn't bang the couch. For those of you who might not remember, Emily bought a couch on Craigslist and pretty much immediately after a couch was delivered banged couch man I did not that actually told that story in love and I did not bang in the same day that I bought the couch I would not bang someone the same day about their couch I would bang them at least after three couches no I'd

banged them soon after no because you know people like like three dates silly I mean I think that you should wait unless you're you know people like, look, I rate three dates silly. I mean, I think that you should wait unless you're, you know, I always think it's better to wait, if you can. But anyway, so the thing is that I did a sex and my garage on a couch and it was hot, to be honest. But that was a couch man, with the extra couch that came with my apartment. Okay, so that's it. Yeah.

We able to save most of your sex toys. I was able to save them all. I had one, I had a few books that got ruined, which is fine, sex books, which, you know, they're not even ruined, they're drying out, and I was able to save them and my photographs, and I just lost a few papers. It was all good. But if I had waited like another half hour, I would have been in trouble. By 20, you know that everything's fine. If you're, I'm glad. Yeah, I just, we all, everyone's washing machine overflows from one time doing another. Mine just did last week.

It happened to the best. But it was like, but it's all my storage is there too. But it's all fine. I'm all good. I'm really happy. So I'm in the square. OK, so I've got some sex in the news for you too. My favorite part of the show.

Really? I love the sex in the news. I love it. You're going to like this one. Good news for beard fans. There's a new dating website, Bristler matches men with facial hair to those who love some facial fuzz. This is a gay site.

Well, that's what I said. No, I guess, well, here's the thing. This guy just started it randomly. I love these things and people just have random ideas and it becomes a whole business. But in the last few years, the beard has had a redness sense. No longer just the preserve of tramps and lumberjacks.

It is now seen on lawyers, bar staff artists across the western world who want to add a little bit edge their luck. It's very hipster. It is kind of hipster. I mean, I'm not against it or for it. I just am neutral. Whatever if I like the guy. It's fine if you have a beard. You go up to Oregon Portland Oregon. It looks like there's fucking miners walking this street. Yeah, it's true. Lumberjacks. Same Stanford just go though. There's a lot of hipsters there dudes with up but the problem is when they're suddenly in it hurts which is why I have like an intern who got a guy perform a oral sex center and he should go to the emergency room because it was so the bearded like I was so more excited I

thought you're going in a totally different direction. I had an intern who performed oral sex on her. I thought you would say me but I've been so much better. I've never had sex in the intern of mine. Okay, so John Kirschhoff from Manchester who launched was there he started the project as a joke. He suggested the idea on Facebook, started seeing a positive response from his friends. He's 28 year old, bearded. Software developer, he decided to make a fake landing site

where people could sign up, but it didn't really exist. So a hundred people signed up in the first four days to realize it could be a business. He launched the official site. There's now 10,000 people. And according to John, he says, I think the fact, instead of it this being a serious business like,

hey, if you click this button, we're gonna do this serious thing. It's more like, hey, I like your beard. So it has minimal information from users. So he actually doesn't know because he thought it was a joke like who's gay and who's not, but there's women on there too So yeah, it's international by chance and he's it's working out. So if you're into beards, that's your thing and I guess they're in

I don't know. I mean, I don't judge someone like beard bald Whatever if you're into someone, but there's a whole website for you now brisler brisler is what it's called Yeah, B.R.I.S.T. there's so many websites It's funny that you just advertised for a razor for men and now we're doing six the news. No, but you guys should shave your friggin razors and go to harry's.com. You shave the beer.

It's really good. You shave the beer. It's really good. But just make sure you're I think you got to pick one though because the stubble is uncomfortable. And I mean girls if you're like dating the guy with the beard you should

probably let a girl out down there just for protection right. What oh the women that they're they're they're protective little yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's the problem is that everyone's shaving now with the have been for last whatever how long have women been shaving 10 years 10 years 10 15 years and it that's why the pubic cares there to protect you from things and from beards from beards from other objects and you get more

rashes now but you know hey looks better right? Is that your preference? way better is that your preference? yeah it's better. That's just nice. I don't have an hair in your mouth. Yeah I know that's true. I don't like to floss. You're like choke. Is that ever happened to you in the past? Yeah I remember that one career enthusiasm episode where he got a hair and his, Larry got a hair and his throat. I totally remember that. Yeah but it doesn't really happen anymore does it? Okay. Vigacial, Vigacious, Vigacious, Sholes. Can you say that twice? Vigacious.

I'm going to guess it's like a facial favorite Vigacious. Exactly. Speaking of vaginas, the famous J-Sisters, the Brazilian sisters who brought the Brazilian bikini wax in New York and claimed to be the favorite of celebs, including Cameron Diaz and Naomi Campbell, are about to launch a new service called vagina facial. The J-Sisters have been waxing women at their mid-town salon for more than two decades.

They were mentioned in Sex and the City episode and they're launching Gommage Therapy, which according to those know is a facial type thing for the area down there, deals with cosmetic issues including ingrown hairs. So it's a form of exfoliation using facials but not known for being employed usually on the intimate areas. I mean really, okay, it colors shaping and treatment for women turning gray. You know what, I guess once you turn gray, like you never, you can't ever die it back. But you can die it back. What I thought that they Brazilian wax you and then they treat the skin. Now apparently they don't get into it. These people get into it. It just seems like you just get a Brazilian. It sounds to me like they're just looking

for more excuses to spend time down the giant or read the Brazilian. Exactly. Maybe. Maybe that's what it is. My first show was with the Brazilian bikini wax. Are my very first podcast was with and I bet you didn't have it done on it because she I know but I'm ministered because he was my board opera. It's like 2006 on the free FM. Yeah. He I had him get a bet wax on the air. Isn't that funny? Did he man up? Was it cool or did he scream crap? Yeah, he was really cool about it. Yeah I thought it was funny because she told me she had her finger and every hot pussy in town when I was getting a Brazilian wax

horn I thought that was funny and I was like why does everyone have to go wax? I don't get it. She's like honey if you want to sell the house you got a mode of lawn. But she hasn't actually put her finger in there when she's doing her work does she? In it. No but yeah they didn't know that when you get a Brazilian, they get in there. I broke up with her. I don't do it. Why? I was taking her to get a Brazilian wax and we wanted to stop off at a bar because she had to have a couple shots because she was worried.

And she was telling the bartender who was a dude all about why she was drinking and that she was going to get a Brazilian wax. I'm like, she's not for me. Don't advertise Brazilian wax to everybody. What's our thing? Back up. How long were you dating her? Okay, year and a half. Um, a year and a half. Wait, so that was the... That was kind of the straw.

That was straw that brought the cables back. Really? Yeah, there was a lot of straws. So you're like, don't, okay, see, that's something I would probably do though. I did not like it though. I didn't like it. She thought casual about it. She just met this bartender guy. It was almost flirty. It did not like... Okay, go ahead. So it's a straw. Yeah, okay. Well, but that's interesting that because I was thinking it could be a new relationship if you were taking her to get the Brazilian. Well, this is the girl I started dating her

by taking her to buy a vibrator the very first date. You never told me this. Yeah. To hustler actually. How that happened? How's the Hollywood? How that happened? She had just broken up with a boyfriend

and she was complaining. She was pretty much throwing herself at me. And she said she had not had sex in two months. I'm like, well, thank you for the good vibrator right now Because you made it seem like I'm not gonna bang you Dude that's such a good move and then did you bang her? For like a year and a half okay that night Later that night. Yeah, she didn't get to the vibrator

She did not do your smooth I used to be very smooth. Yes, what happened? That's such a dude thing like that to think like oh well Well, I don't I'm not gonna sleep with you because I'm your friend and you're gonna do break up so let's buy you a vibrator I took it to jumbo's clown room jumbo's glider which is strip joint and then I took her straight to get her It was a very classy date. You're freaking classy man. I'm glad that someone landed such a nice guy like you Okay, let's welcome my guest here. I'm excited. Okay, so I've sex you sex. So it is Anderson I do because my dad was a therapist for many years

Okay, and Beverly Hills and he was actually apparently one of the last therapists to continue using sex therapists in the Psychological Surrogates really yeah sex surrogates. Yes. Okay. I think he used them for itself, too. He's a sex addict He was that was probably too much information Your dad. This is true. Yes. He was or he is I mean he's too old now to do anything I hope Wow interesting. We I really would love to do a whole show on that section, but Thank you for that information, but we're gonna move into my guest here. Hello tomorrow in Raymond Riley Hey, hi

Hi, oh my god, what a big mic this is Wow, the guys that have worked? Yeah, nice to see you guys. Great to be here. Really? Thank you for having us. Oh, I'm so happy to have you guys because I really, well first I was great. I met you at CatalystCon for like a second.

And people always ask me, you know, like when obviously the sessions when it came out with Helen Hunt, people were like, well is that real? People don't really know about sex circuits. And I really didn't until I went to my sex school to get my degree, my graduate degree, but in your own words, how would you explain what a sex surrogate is? People don't know. Yeah, well, and they're married. Oh, they are, this is what I have to say, they're married sex surrogates. And you're the only married surrogate partner therapist in the United States. Well certified. Certified. Yes.

There's uncertified. Yes. Many people do surrogacy work, but we're actually certified through Ipsa, the International Professional Surrogates Association. Okay. And there's about 50 of us in the country, not a whole lot. That's it. 1550 sex surrogates in the country. There are other ones working, but not that are actually certified by Ipsa. Yeah, wow, that's it. I mean So you I mean how we okay, so I've got some definitions here, but I just thought you guys might want to explain what is yeah, go ahead I'd like to say that we're healers We try to get people to focus about touch and their bodies versus in their heads.

You know, so we teach them tricks to get out of their head and into their body. And it has a lot to do with breathing and practicing relaxation. And you guys are so, I was going to see you guys are so zen, but I already heard that you're dogs. That's our dogs, I just forgot. And I'm like, okay, I'm already relaxed. Well, that's a big part of what we do. It's creating that container, that safe space for people to explore their sexuality. For many people, it's a very difficult place to enter into.

They've had weird childhood experiences or even things that happen to them through adult that just completely turn them off to sex. And it was, God, it was like 50, 60 years ago that the AMA was teaching us, right, that masturbation was harmful to our health. So today in our world, even in the medical world, people acknowledge the fact that a sex positive life is an important component to your overall physical health. Absolutely.

Psychological physical and spiritual as well. I mean, I can't believe that. It's true. I mean, so many bloods, it's upbringing, religion, whatever they're taught, and they're never untought it. So these problems, these issues, challenges with their sex life, continues to perpetuate throughout their life. So, but how are you different than sex therapists then? Sex targets.

Okay. Well, the sex therapist does the talk therapy, right? But they can't do any hands-on work with their clients So their their experience fall short of actually Reaching that satisfactory End result that the clients looking for. So that's where we come in. We do the body work Along to alongside a therapist. Yeah, so we always work in a triad scenario

There's always a client, a sex therapist, and the sex surrogate. And that's really important. In the room when you're doing the actual work, or you mean just say, I commend you. No, no, no, they refer you. Good question. They're not in the room with us. There is a great deal of intimacy that occurs between the surrogate and the client. And I think that the presence of a actual sex therapist would be intrusive on that. Absolutely. That's what I was just trying to have.

Yeah. But they don't come to you. They can't come to you directly. Like they have to be referred by their therapist. Yeah, they have to already be in therapy. And they have to be referred like we don't market ourselves to the general public out there. We market ourselves to the therapeutic community. Okay, and then your website is so everyone it's the sex surrogate.com. Correct. Okay, and so so you don't even so you guys are too busy. There's only 50 licensed registered license in this thing. I know and most of them are up in the San Fran area. A lot of years. Yeah, I just moved from there not just but two years ago. I was there for a long time.

And the story, the sessions, the story is a true story. And our Carly Sheryl Cone Green, that Helen Hunt played. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah, right down to the Boston accent. Wow. I forgot that it was a true story. It's true story.

I mean, it's so amazing, because I actually pulled a quote here. I think if people talk, which I think is so true about your work, let me find this. So it was, I was saying, most people heard about the Sex Surgets in the movie The Sessions, starring Helen Hunt, and the shocker about the In-M-M-H-M-H-M-A-C. And the shocker about this in The New York Times Review, the shocker about the Sessions,

is not the full frontal nudity or it's provocative story of a sex surrogate who helps a 38 year old in an iron lung loses virginity. It's not even the priest's blessing, allowing the out of wedlock sex sex. Rather, it's the humanistic way in which the sessions deals with what sex at its best can be. Emotional, spiritual, physical, pleasurable, soul-satisfying and life-affirming. Absolutely, I do. So in the movie, he has a disability, but you see all different kinds of people. So, I mean, is there even a typical client, would you

say, or is that? Well, there's the most common type of client. Yeah, but it's most common. For men, it's probably pre-orgasmic women. And for a male surrogate, it's probably pre-orgasmic women. But for a female surrogate, probably well... Pre-mature ejaculators. That would be the most common, but then a very common one. It also is late blooming virgins. Yeah, dole virginity. Oh. Right, because when is it like, once you get past 50, 60 or old,

for really? Yeah, you know, you have to realize the anxiety that a lot of males overcome when they're young children, you know, they're worried about having their first sexual encounter and all kinds of fantasies go on in their head before they actually get a chance to do that. Well with late blooming virgins, that anxiety just continues to compound itself for years and then decades. And by the time they're in their 50s, they have developed almost a phobia to relationships. So it's not just the sex,

it's the relationship that goes along with that because they tend to avoid that scenario completely so they don't have to deal with the anxiety. And that's a lot of the work that we do. Like people think, well, because you guys are serigants, you must, like, with Helen Hunt, you know, she was in bed with the gentleman in the iron lung much faster than would normally occur.

We're there more to help them process the experience of a relationship. Sex is a part of it, but a very small part of it. I mean, some of the work that Tamara does is going into their apartment and helping them prepare the physical environment for a sexual encounter. I mean, you find all kinds of like abnormal behavior. You find people that are hoarders and you know, they're like, no way could they ever have a girl over their apartment and that's probably part of it, right? Part of it?

Part of the defense mechanism. Part of the defense mechanism. Part of the defense mechanism. Part of the defense mechanism. Part of the defense mechanism. Part of the defense mechanism. Part of the defense mechanism. Part of the defense mechanism.

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So a therapist called refers you to this gentleman. And then like what happens in the first session? Well, we built trust. So we're talking a lot about our background and our history. So try to keep the talking to a minimum. However, the history is really important to pick up on, you know, their previous experiences. And that first session just to mention is always with the therapist. The first introduction always occurs in that triadic relationship. Good point. Good point. Yeah, we meet in the in the therapist's office, but then if they do decide to go into

SPT, we call it, then the first session would, you know, some basic background, and then we go into some touch therapy, which we'd involve just a hand caress, a simple, I do you do. So do. So teach the client to not touch me to give me pleasure, but rather touch for your own pleasure. I know it sounds really selfish, but it eliminates the process of thinking, well, am I doing this right? But if you're touching for your own exploration and your own discovery, you can't be doing it wrong. Exactly. So you teach them that that's what, right, to get to pass the anxiety and so really, which

is what sex is about is experiencing your own pleasure, which so many people who probably will never see a sex that, because I feel like the work you do would be so useful for so many people. I mean, people who probably would never think to go, but like a lot of people just to learn these basic things about sex, I think about's about your own pleasure, you know, first learning your own body and starting with the basics, because some people just jump into sex, they have sex the same way over their entire lifetime and they miss so much of it, I think, they miss so much of the amazing sex they could be having.

Yeah, and that's important not to rush past subtle feelings of oh my gosh I'm holding someone's hand, you know, and it could actually bring tears to just hold someone's hand So it's just so sweet Happy to meet in sex service We met through a mutual friend who's a photographer Together 20 years We both sex circuits at the time. No, okay. Okay, so you, how did you get into sex secrecy then? We both decided that it would be a great direction for our lives. I have a degree in psychology and Tamara's been in the industry, so to speak, for many years dealing with people with recovery issues and things along that line.

So for her end for me also, it was just kind of a natural progression. It's like, people say, did you wake up one morning and decide this is what I want to do with my career? Not exactly, but it kind of unfolds. Right, okay. And we're good at it, you know, this is. You guys seem really good at it.

This is really. I want to get naked in a minute But just over here. We are the Thursday night shows 839 30 you can watch the show you can watch and listen on Thursday's Pacific Center time and then afterwards it's a you can watch on our site Well Emily we want to encourage you to feel comfortable I get it. I want to touch your hands. Oh my God.

I want to go to the power of the soul. Wow. Yeah, that feels good. I should feel, oh, I should feel, you feel good. And you know, Emily, I should say the first step is all about breathing. Yeah, taking that moment to bring your focus to your breath and quiet the mind. I do it though, I meditate. And to stay in the moment, I mean, the breathing kind of brings you into that present,

you know, mindset, but so many people when they're having sex aren't really present. They're somewhere else. They're either in their past or their future or a fantasy. I think another thought ran. Yeah, they're there with a band to pass. I was dating now. Even a fantasy is exactly after they're right. And then they miss this tender touch of the physicality of some. Or looking into your eyes, you know, up because there's somewhere else in their mind. Exactly. And especially the premature, many who suffer from premature ejaculation.

Oh, yeah. They're in their mind. They'll kind of, oh, yeah. And then you have to, I mean, how do I mean, because we talk about this on the show a lot, I mean, it's really the treatment is, you know, people give me antidepressants, which doesn't work. And there's also like certain things like this per mess and

this, the premature ejaculation. But you teach them how to get, I mean, I must take, how do you do this? How many sessions? If I may say without making fun of the issue, but it's the quickest to cure the premature ejaculators, there is, you're 100% curable. There is hope for you.

You're just stuck in a rut. And it's teaching them tricks to get out of that rut. And it's really about the stop start method where they have to masturbate when they know they have enough time because somehow they got into this habit of masturbating quickly. And that's what started it. And so the stop start method is so Effective where where you have the scale of a rousal, you know Zero being low and then 10 being high and you try to go on this roller coaster of going up and then getting right around a Five and then coming back down and breathing and stop stop stop stop stop like they don't know that oh wait

I can stop right really what you teach them. Wait, I can stop. Really? What you teach them. So are you touching them or they're touching themselves? If people, yeah. Yeah. Are you sex with them? You've intercourse with them. Certainly.

Certainly. If they want. So you, so the stops, I mean, I always talk about the stop start method where you start and then you stop when you feel like you're about to regulate and then you stop again and that's great practice. But so many look, I tried that and I'm thinking, well, you probably tried it twice. You know, it's the kind of thing where it takes. Yeah, you're not.

It's been your issue your whole life. It's not going to go away if you do it twice. It could take a couple of weeks. I mean, I've, um, if they're seeing you, yeah, right? So how many sessions would it take? Well, my typically, if there's a typical one. Well, I could take an average, if you're seeing the client one session,

one hour or a time, one, once a week, it could take three months. But that's not so bad for a lifetime of pre-mean really. Like, it's true. I love a therapy that takes, I was in for like 15 years. I mean, if I could go to therapy for three months, that would be awesome.

Because a lot of clients report that this is life transformation. I know that they've been in talk therapy for years and never able to achieve the results that they have with just three months work, but I'm so sure that that is true. Because I just feel like that people are, it's sex is just so confusing, because it's the most pleasurable thing

that we can experience, and then they're on the planet. And there's so many issues that people have that they never break through. And what do you guys do amazing work? And this communication thing, just calling out a number, where are you at? I'm at a four, five, five, five.

You know, it's just not too much talking, but just one simple number. And then you stop. Yeah. Yep. And so we all breathe. There we go. Go back down that roller coaster. There's some exercises help too. Like, I've heard you talk about kegel exercises. Yeah. There's three different kegel exercises that you can do. It's not just like one like a lot of people think I have my iPhone app kegel camp kegel camp. Well, there's one where you stop the urinary flow. Right. There's another one where you contract the genitals. The angle of the third one is when you contract your like anus, which is also part of your kegel muscle. Right. Actually three. I call it the angle of the dangle. You're standing

in a mirror. You could squeeze and get the dangle to be more erect. Exactly. So you tell them to do the kegels every day, five minutes a day or something or a couple of times a day is best. If you can do it, don't make a big deal out of it, it doesn't have to be a 20-hour session or 20-minute session. You know, just if you're doing them, and for men, particularly when they're peeing, you know, just every now and then, when you're going, you know, stop the flow for like three times during your pee. And that's an exercise. It is an exercise, then they'll see that they'll have be able to control

and have some. Well, it helps. It does help. It does help. But like any other muscle. So much of it is in their mind. I know. You know, we like to draw like practices and modalities from all over the world and from different religions and approaches like we bring some yoga in

and we bring some tantric expression into what the work we do. And the Hindus really teach this wonderful concept. Like in America, we believe that there's five senses, right? We always talk just five senses. Well, there's really six of them. And the Hindus focus on that with their tantric expression. And the sixth sense is consciousness. They're thought processes, you know?

That's so true. And that's one of the things that we focus on with sex. It's like all these other elements, you know, and that's one of the things that we focus on with sex. It's like all these other elements, you know, you get beautiful candles to enhance the lighting and you wear perfumes So you smell nice and you turn on sexy music, but then you bring like the days Stress from work or from whatever it may be the drive home in traffic and you can't get out of that mode You know, so that's one of the things we try to teach people with, you know, in combination with the physicality of sex is that your mind has to be in the right place. Like set an environment that's comfortable.

Right. For sex, I mean, this is the stress is like the biggest killer people sex drive as well. They don't know how to make time for it when they have kids So we're gonna take a quick break when we come back I'm with Raymond and tomorrow Riley and we're gonna talk more about how to like de-stress and have better sex, right? I like that too. Okay, so Anyway speaking of sex Thanks everyone for listening and supporting my sponsors

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about that. But let's go back to the getting because this is why I said everyone could benefit from this. I mean, I get hundreds of email. This is one of my shows about me. This for 10 years. I mean, you know, this is the killer. People can knock it out of their minds and my heads and throw it out of their mind. Out of their mind, and it is the reason for so many things that people are challenged with sexually, like pre-or-rassing women or premature ejaculate.

So, I mean, like, I do meditation. I've been for years, you know, I've done different kinds of my back into it. I turned your choice today. Don't waste any very zen. No, I don't. Do I? Yeah, you do. Yeah. No, but how, I mean, so you do a choice today. Don't be wasting your very zen. No, I don't. Do I? You do.

No, but how? I mean, so you do teach some meditation. You were saying, Tantra, you teach a little bit of everything. And then, OK, so then when does the sex happen? You sex second or third depends what it is, I'm sure. But, you know, everybody's got a different goal. Right. Yeah.

So for some, for some, because we went through the premature ejaculators. So let's say I'm pre-agasmic woman. Okay, well, they can be very difficult. Some women approach the therapy with a touch of version, and just to hold hands with another human being is very uncomfortable with them. It's hard to realize the scope of anxiety that's developed for some women over their childhood

traumatic experiences. You know, I don't want to get into specifics with that, but we can all use our imagination to realize just how bad it can be for some people. And you know, we're not dealing with the normal, you know, on the normal human scale. We're not talking about people in the center of what's most common and normal. We're talking about people that fall on the outskirts of the normal curve.

So with a woman, sometimes just to achieve the level of laying naked next to one another is a huge, you know, accomplishment for them. So for me, one of the things that was when we went through our training, the training, oh my god, is so intense. I want to hear about that too. Okay. Well, it lasts for weeks. And this is just the initial training. And it's like going to sexual boot camp. Yeah, I mean 16 hours a day. Not just no of like practicing of different, you know, exercises and experientials.

So each one of us gets a partner like I would do it together. No, we went through the training together, but we were not each other's partners. Right. I had a very beautiful Brazilian woman who had her own, you know, hang-ups and issues that she had to deal with. And she was training to be a sexist, right? Yeah, you're going through, like, she was actually a psychotherapist. Okay.

She had her PhD and she was very accomplished, but she wanted to learn more about the surrogacy, so we went through this process together. One of the things that I found most interesting about it was this non-genital, I mean non-demand chenital cheras. So I mean my entire life, I'm a male, I've always been kind of sexual, and you know like if a woman held my cock always been kind of sexual. And you know, like if a woman held my my cock and hand right away, my my thought process went to okay, get hard, perform. Yeah.

And under this exercise, the the experiential is just that she touches you. They tell you you should not you. You don't like you're not you're not supposed to get a wreck that's not part of it could you do that though yeah and it was like I can't imagine the end of the pressure but I mean not that it's not the pressure but you know let's face it we all have our baggage that we travel through with and this was one of those moments for me where I was like, wow, we can just be human beings next to one another. We can just touch each other and let it lie there. So for a pre-regassmic women, women, many, many times, we're just teaching them to experience their own orgasm through their own self-pleasure and masturbation.

Right, so you're just teaching them about, so have these women, I'm sure it varies, but a lot, some of them probably have tried right Touch themselves in an organ and all different levels of experience Okay, so you start from master with that would make sense that you would start So you just teach them where to touch or you well the one thing we want to make sure of is that you know when a woman says I can't come we want to know what she means by that like you can't come from come. We want to know what she means by that. Like you can't come from sex with a man or you can't come during masturbation and you've never had an orgasm. So let's define that first. Exactly. And there's a lot of women that consider themselves absolutely normal that can't come during sexual intercourse.

And you know what? That's all right. It really is. Right, exactly. What do they say, like 30% of women can? Thank you. I think it's not even every time. Right. And we have so much of this baggage built up in our heads, including the men, you know, like when we were talking

about the pre-orgasmic male, I'm sorry, not pre-orgasmic. The premature ejaculator. These guys have such huge expectations of what it means to actually have be a sexual performer. They've been watching porn which we edit the hell out of, right? So, I mean, they watch porn and they can see a guy have sex for 20 minutes. And it's like, well, I must be a premature ejaculator because I can't do it for longer than five Well the average sexual experience is somewhere in the neighborhood of two and a half minutes

Right. Yeah, so we're talking average and yet we all have these expectations of You know what our performance should really be all important and with men and their penis size everything porn So the same thing with women They watch, you know whatever and they consider themselves abnormal because they can't have sex well if 30% of women right aren't Getting off during sexual intercourse wouldn't that be the norm? Yeah, exactly, but it's right But no one thinks it's the norm everyone thinks exactly So do you teach those women as well? They're women that come to you and say I can't and then you teach them out as well like that They can even if they yep, and then how do you case?

So let's talk about that one because that's really common So what do you if they've never so they maybe they have sex with many pulp partners and then they work with you? So well, I'd like to tell you that I'm the Casanova sex and yeah, that any woman who comes close to me is gonna instantly be orgasmic But that's not the case. You know really it's it's they're the creators They're the creators of their own orgasm and their own pleasure and that's what we teach them I love Betty Dodson, you know know Betty, right? Betty teaches people look You got to be responsible for your own orgasms All right, it's not your partner's place to you know give you pleasure. They're there. They're helped to

There to help you achieve, you know orgasm, but really you've got to be the one who feels empowered To get yourself off and that's part of what we teach the women, you've got to be the one who feels empowered to get yourself off. And that's part of what we teach the women, you know. It's so surprising. I mean, I talk about that all the time in my show that, you know, people call it my boyfriend can't give me this, he can't give me that. And then, you know, it is your responsibility. And we're not socialized that way.

And I didn't know that. I remember when I first started, I thought it was my boyfriend. So I was like, I didn't have an order. He's really bad and bad. And I was like, 20, whatever. And I was like, oh, you know, then you know, you know, then you learn, but most people, some people never learn that you hit the head of the nail. A lot of it is about self-education. Yeah, people don't, and there's not great. There's no sex education really now. I mean, it's just it's sad. So the women, I mean, I didn't know that either. I didn't know. I, I

So the women, I mean, I didn't know that either. I didn't know. I, the masturbation never even occurred to me, Graham. I never even, and I had like a pretty, you know, I messed up childhood, but my parents were pretty liberal and open, and you know, I mean, just divorce, so, and stuff. But it wasn't like sex was bad, and sex was wrong. I just never even, I had a high stress, full of like,

maybe I think like, why didn't I ever, most people, a lot of women, it cursed them to touch them, and I just never did. So I had to like learn it later. I mean, why did most people, a lot of women, curse them to touch them and I just never did. So I had to learn it later. But so for these, so saying, so I never learned it. But then for these women, so you teach them masturbation or you like, then you have, I mean, a lot of pleasure.

Self pleasure is a big part of it. Right. So do you, so do you use toys or do you not have to, Yeah, but all depending upon the circumstances. Like there is a set pattern of approach that was developed by masters and Johnson's in the 70's. And it works. Well, no, because sex is as varied as the colors in the rainbow, right? And we have to be adaptive.

So for every woman woman our goals vary. They're not all the same so it's not a set pattern of okay we go from x, y, to z and that's gonna work for every woman. Yeah there's like 50 different exercises. And they do like homework and stuff probably I'm sure you know what I know what I mean? I'm not a home master, it's like my homework. I never, I forget to do it. So the one I move from work and I, yeah. Like what I was talking about earlier, when we discussed their environment and their home. Yeah.

Like we also approach areas of nutrition and body awareness and health. Self-esteem issues, I would think that so many people body image issues. So you just, I mean, so then how do you knock it into the top? Because the therapist has already maybe worked on some because you guys really are there for the experience,

the sexual experience, so you're not getting. We're almost life coaches at some point, you know. We're big into nutrition, we're big into organic, raw food, and those are things that can really help a lot of people overcome some of their issues. I mean, just let's talk about some of the issues then. So it's diet, people who have a smoke, or you're eating, or drugs, or alcohol, or smoking, or lack of exercise, or their own depressive states that they try to deal with through

medications. Yeah, so what about people on meds? So yeah, antidepressants, I mean, those are the causes of their sexual dysfunction. So then what do you do with that? Do you tell them to go off meds? We can't do that. Right.

We're not doctors. But can you have them, can they still have orgasms when they're on them, have you helped them? Or is it just, because that's, you know, some, for some people, like that's part of what, one of the things that we learned during the history taking right But what do you do with them because you can't because I know so many people suffer from that but you can you help Yeah, you can you can live through examples right you can live through example You can tell people what works for you. Yeah, but we can't really tell someone to come off their meds

Right, but then how can they have an orgasm? Well, some of them we can't help. I mean, there are some people that aren't really willing to overcome their own boundaries to get there. And I mean, we can be an aid, but we're really more of a bandaid with sex. It's more of a lifestyle, you know, a change in your entire life. Everything. So that's the thing you're going to do. It's like you're going to do it with health, spirituality, body, image issues, you know, practice, like habits that have been found. Diet, diet, diet. So tell people are organic and health raw or said raw. A lot of times also, not we don't we can't take all clients. Yeah, I'm sure they have to do some self-

improvement work ahead of time. Simple meditation classes. That's number one. Meditation is good for everything. Yeah, right. Yeah. You guys wake up and meditate together. You look like you. You guys are so cute. I really, I mean how do, so how does this affect your sex life 20 years ago? And you started when you started doing this sex service. You see how long ago? So did you say you've been together? Well, we were certified about five years ago. Okay. Yeah, but a lot of work was done in this area before we were actually certified. Okay. So how is it changed your sex life? I'm sure you guys had to do a lot of heavy work doing this.

sex life. I'm sure you guys had to do a lot of heavy work doing this. You know what? We're together 24, 7. We're always together and you think, wow, it's gotten more intense over the years, even being together that much. Wow, because why? What is your secret? When I was young, right? There was always that, that you know we've got to do this this high energy like anxiety thing is like sex and performance and youth and you know buff and got to prove myself but as you get older like it slows down and the slower to like one of the things that I personally concentrate on when I'm having sex is like extending that orgasm. Like people talk about taunt when they think, oh, you guys have hour long orgasms?

No, not exactly. So how do you explain that then? I know that how would you explain your orgasm? Well, you can extend your own personal orgasm, right? So most of the time it's bang, bang, bang, and you're done and the orgasm might last maybe 10, 15 seconds, right? So most of the time it's bang bang bang and you're done and you know the orgasm might last maybe 10 15 seconds, right? But you have to slow it down. And part of that's done with breathing and part of that's done through

muscular like control and some of the kegel exercises that we do. But just really slow it down. Prolonging the session. Pro longing the act of making love. It's 10 to 5 minutes. It's very exciting. Right, that friggin' way. Yeah, I'd say that all the 10 people say, what's your top sex advice? Someone's like, slow down.

I always tell guys, go 5 times slower than you think. But what they think by that is, okay, I have to do it for 5 times longer. Like, okay, if I'm doing it for 10 minutes and you tell me 5 times longer, so I have to do it for five times longer like okay if I'm doing it for 10 minutes and you tell me five times longer so I have to do it for 50 minutes now and that's it no that's really not it at the end when you feel that you know orgasm building like revel in it like that's the moment what do you teach that well how do you explain that I know this is so like well it's kind of meditative so practice breathing because that's the moment. What do you teach that? How do you explain that? I know this is so like, Well, it's kind of meditative. So practice breathing because that's a big part.

So you're going to hold your breath during sex. No, don't, don't hold your breath. Breathe. Like in and out. You know, God, I had this amazing sexual experience with a friend of ours who's a tauntra instructor. And she and I were having sex. And we just kind cut into this breathing thing where we were breathing in and out through each other's mouths, right?

Like every breath that she exhale, I inhaled and back and forth and back and forth and as we came, like we slowed the breathing down and it's consciously. I guess a lot of it has to do with mindful thoughts, right? Like being aware of what you're doing and not just letting your body run ramped, but like in meditation, you know, where you actually have to think about your pulse, right, and think about your heart rate and slow down, breathe deeper and, you know, it could even take a little bit of a moaning noise to control that breathing. You know, let's hear it. You're the one who does it. It's more like a growl.

It's a growl. So you were having sex with one of your friends. So it's open relationship. It has to be, I guess. I mean, do you get to the jealousy if you guys transcend that or? Oh, gosh. Yeah.

I think that's a key to our relationship is trust. I mean, 100% trust. Well, look, a secret about us is we were both married twice before. OK. And both of our marriages were open swing or relationships. So we kind of had a lot of practice before. We met one another.

I was married my first time. I was very young. I was 19 years old. And same with tomorrow. So now, with the two of us, there's really no jealousy. It's more a matter of empowerment. Like, first of all, we trust each other and we're honest with each other.

So there's never that covert behavior, which probably would still evoke jealousy if we were involved in that. But that's not there for us. So one of the things that really is rewarding for me is knowing that my partner is having a Satisfactory sex life with or without me. Is that giving or what? That's really giving I mean most people just think that they could never imagine their partner or someone else

That's so fair, but then there it is I mean I Know I get it. I feel the same. I think that are we really meant to be with one person? I mean would you guys think about monogamy? No, I don't, I don't, I don't think, well, wait a minute. There's two different definitions for monogamy. Oh, yeah. Mostly monogamous or. We are totally emotionally monogamous. Oh, yeah.

But physically, like that's kind of an unreasonable demand to place upon your partner, don't you think? Like, okay, I never want you to have any sexual feelings about anyone else. Right, it's unrealistic. And that's what people setting themselves up for failure before they walked on the aisle and they don't say, hey, this could happen.

What happened? Yeah, feelings for someone else. Because you're still so, you think, oh, I like, I could never have those feelings, but it's natural to have those feelings. Yeah, just share them with me. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I tell tomorrow, all I said any time in my life that I have the opportunity to have an orgasm whether it's with another person or without, I'm going to take that and seize it and seize the day, right? So if I'm in some kind of a party scenario, right? And some women's flirting with me, I don't want her to expect me not to have sex with that. So would you just, so, but do you declare it first? Like, would you be like, I'm not coming home to like, that's what I, no, see, we don't do that either. Right.

Like, we don't sacrifice our time together for somebody else. So it's not like I'm going out on a date or anything like that. We play together. Right. You play together like, okay, I got it. So okay, I have a question though. When you guys are with clients,

is there ever anyone that you don't want that you're with? I can't actually physically be with this person. Do you get turned on? Do you get aroused as well? Oh, that's a good question. Yeah. Me personally, I love everyone. Big talks.

I can tell you're big big tall. She really does. Big and fat. She doesn't care. I love everybody. But there is that one limit is just a smell, body odor. So that would be nice. Yeah. And breath. You know, breath is big. You got to like brush your teeth and be clean. So, so do you, same like you get yourself, you can just kind of, because it's work, but yet, we're there in a therapeutic scenario. So, how do you get, turn how do you get an erection? Off of my own like physicality, really,

you try to stay out of that thinking thing and you try to stay out of the visual thing, which is, you know, okay, he's really in touch with his body. Sure, I mean, would you always and this in touch with your body though, or you had to know? No, it's a practice. It is a practice.

I think that it's something that everyone should have this. When I was young, I was really into the model type. Okay, really into the model type. I think it's so individuals. And I think that the model type. I'm going to get them. So individuals, and I think that's how we're brought up, right? Absolutely. So playboy and penthouse and all those things worked really well for me.

I had a weird little fetish. I used to love scarves, right? Like if a woman was wearing a scarf and one of those playboy pictorials, that was it for me. But over time, you know, through different practices. I mean, we really don't use drugs and alcohol. Been sober for 30 years. Congratulations. Thanks. Really, in that time, practice so many different spiritual approaches to recovery and just life in general. Yoga became a big part of life and meditation and that whole, you know, tantric approach

to having sex. So I can't tell you that great sex was inherited, right? It's really not, is it? It really is. I mean, I feel like there's always should be expansive. I think that everyone should be expanding their sex life and I'm working on it because it does get stale and stagnant And so what would be your top advice just to a couple or to people everywhere about sex? What would you men and women? The Buddhists have us saying right in the beginners mind

there are many Opportunities in the experts mind. There is one right? So as you just said always always remain open to learning, new experiences, new approaches. I mean, one of the things that disturbs me lately about the trends and sexuality is everybody wants to come out. And really what you come out, you know, like I'm going to come out, I'm gay, I'm lesbian, I'm transsexual, I'm heterosexual,

I'm defined, I'm compartmentalized. And I don't believe that that's what sex is really meant to be. You should always explore your pleasures and don't like fall victim to that labeling thing. Like, you know, I don't like women because I'm gay. And then you, it happened with us. Which is what Alex, when I, to Mar, when I first met her, she told me that she was a lesbian.

Oh, interesting. And she couldn't be in a relationship with me because she was a lesbian. Well, it's true. And the weird thing about it was, we had fallen in love way before we had, this was a very unusual situation for me, but we were friends and we're flirting with one another for two years before we actually had a sexual encounter. And in our conversation, she was like, well, I'm a lesbian and I couldn't.

But today she's my best friend and she's my love. The love of my life, quite frankly. And think of how much of a loss that would have been. If she hadn't been open minded enough to be able to overcome that compartmentalization. I'm a lesbian. Boom! Are you still with women? Sometimes. Yes. Okay. Guys, I have it all. Okay. We have to wrap up. You guys have been. Oh, we don't want to go home. I don't want you to come. We looked about. I want you to come. Wait a minute. That's one of the

problems. I have so many. Really like if you have to. Okay. I mean, I've worked but if you had said like your top tip though, is there I got sexual to think that you see across the board? I know we've covered a lot here but for couples let's say. Yeah when you think you don't like something try it again because everything twice. Yes. So Emily do you know Ramdoth? Yes I do. So I love Ramdoth's like very simple phrase. Be here now. Yeah. Right. So be present in your sex. Don't fantasize. Don't get into the kinky fetish. I mean, I don't care if you do, but really you've got it. Start being present. Be present first.

Okay. I like it. Well, thank you so much. Tomorrow in Raymond Riley. You can find it at the sex surrogate.com and at Twitter is at sxacrossamerica and then facebook.com slash Raymond.riley. Are we I-L-Y? That's what I have here. Okay you guys thanks so much for being on the show. Thank you Anderson. Thanks everyone for listening. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Oh wait one more thing sorry you guys are speaking of the she-com Oh my god I told you okay sorry stop this. So 17. Yes, I was just gonna say. Oh my god, I totally, okay, sorry, stop this. So 17th and 18th January in LA. We can't wait to see you in there.

I know, you guys, you can come here and speak. I'm giving away tickets, feedback at sex with LMA.com. It's an amazing two day conference. And you can meet them in person because they're amazing. It's sex experts and speakers. I'm giving the keynote.

You guys giving away free samples. We're giving away free samples of sex at the conference. And yeah, so actually it's yeah, January 17th, the email me and it's the she conference, what is she conference at my website too. Yep. Okay, thank you. Emily, you rock.

Thanks, you guys rocked so much. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. Okay, everyone, thanks so much for listening to this show, and I love being able to help you have the sex life you deserve. And let me tell you about promescent. One in three men suffers from premature ejaculation. We were just talking about this on the show.

It's a quickly absorbing delay spray that allows you to have the sex you want and it allows you to last longer in bed. It closes the arousal gap between men and women. So check it out, Promessing, to help you last twice as long. And it's the only FDA-approved treatment for premature ejaculation. Go to promessant.com. That's PROMESCENT.com. Thanks for listening.

Bye. Thanks for listening.