Sex With Emily - Big Little Breakups

Episode Date: July 31, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about breakups – how to get through them, repair from them, and ways to move on. Plus, she is answering your emails.  She gives you the low-down on dildos & how to get the most pleasure out of a self-powered sex toy, what to do when you’re married, but you caught “the feels” for a coworker, and how to move forward when your partner has ulterior motives for wanting a threesome.  Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: BTL Emsella, Apex, Woo Freshies, SiriusXM, Zumio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking breakups. How to get through them, repair from them, and move on. Plus, I'm answering your emails, topics include rejection, breakups. They're so difficult, but it is possible to heal. So here's how to do it. Deal those. Okay, so how do you get the most pleasure out of your self-powered sex toy?

So you fell out of love with your wife and in love with a coworker? Hmm, what do you do now? And so your partner wants to threesome, but you're starting to think there's ulterior motives. How do you move forward? All this and more, thanks for listening. His eyes, they're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions, bedroom eyes, they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute.

The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I'm so, so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information. Go to sexwithemily.com. Check out our amazing site because it is.

There's a lot more information on there to help you with all the questions that you have about relationships and dating and love. And also, it's so great when you subscribe however you are listening to this podcast. Just take a second and subscribe. If you wanna review us, love that too. Send a review that helps us as well

because we do release three shows a week. You can also find me in serious sex and radio, which is the blast. I'm there five days a week on stars. It's channel 109. And I'm there Monday through Friday, five to seven PM Pacific, eight to ten East. And you guys can listen.

You can even call in, even if you don't have serious. Triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven, during those times, or get a free trial at sexwithfamily.com slash SXM. As always, I mean, all social media, it's at sex with Emily across the board. All right, guys, hope you enjoy this show. Here's what's going on. A lot of people going through breakups these days. I mean, I guess breakups are a thing that happens. You're with someone until you're not. Maybe you find your

long-term partner and you commit and you marry and maybe get divorced. But right now, I'm just talking about breakups because they are painful. We don't really know how to deal with partner and you commit and you marry and maybe get divorced. But right now, I'm just talking about breakups because they are painful. We don't really know how to deal with them. No one says like, this is the formula and, you know, I think it's, we kind of beat ourselves up, like, why is it so hard?

So I want you guys to know that it is a major life change when you break up with someone. And, you know, your routines are changing, you're gonna feel a little bit off and it's okay to feel sad. And I think actually the most important thing about breakups is to actually let yourself feel the feelings. To more in the relationships, to cry,

to reach out to people that you love and trust. You know, this is where you also find your real friends who are there and who support you. And so like, I guess the upside of breakups is that you really get to find yourself again. And you really get to realize what's important to you and connect with family and friends and yourself and then also maybe sometimes you rebuild your friend group or just to you know take up new hobbies or habits but the first thing before you get into all that make sure that you process what actually

happened. I mean okay the first few weeks month I'm not going to put time limit on these things but it's okay just to be sad. Sit home, do whatever you do when you're sad. Watch movies, eat ice cream. I don't know, what do dudes, that seems like a chick thing that we eat, but in Jerry's. I think dudes workout maybe, or...

These workout, chicks workout too, I guess. Yeah, or they try to pretend like nothing happened. Yeah, or they try to be stoic. Try to be stoic. The thing about breakups, and you guys, this took me a long time to learn this, is that, and actually practice it, is that we learn a lot in relationships,

in committed relationships. In fact, some would say, and I believe, come, I believe that we learn some of our greatest lessons in a relationship with someone else. And then also, when you end that relationship, what a great tool, what a great time to actually figure out. What did I learn from this relationship? What worked for me? What didn't? What was my part in the demise? What did I friggin dislike intensely about my partner that I never wanted to date that kind of person again? And so you just take this, it's a process. And so

I feel like it's important to kind of write it down. I mean, I love like writing down pros and cons and like what I learned and what I didn't like about them because we all know there comes a moment where you're like, well, maybe we should sleep together again. You know, that's when the old euphoric recall thing shows up. And all you remember is the great things that happened. And you remember, you remember,

you put them on this pedestal, like everything was amazing. And then sometimes more times go by. And actually, what I think happens first is you think you made a mistake. And you think you're never gonna find anyone again like this. That's also really, really common. And in fact, what I've done is I have friends

who have done this for me so many times over the years. And they remind me why I broke up with them. I'll be like, I'm thinking of calling my ex. And they'll say, well, you really want someone who cheated on you or you really want someone who doesn't like oral sex as much as you like giving it. I'm like, oh yeah, he was bad at oral. Or whatever it is, you guys, it's just, have a list.

Have it in your notes on your phone, have a notebook because we even forget. And again, this list of, and this is a process that will go on for a little bit, but thinking about the things that you like, the things that you didn't like, it's just important. Also, I think it is important to get out once you kind of pass the like devastation point.

Get a hobby, do something that takes your mind off of the breakup, like it could be, you know, taking a new workout class or a drinking and drawing night. I mean, you guys, if you just Google events in my town or like classes to take, I take so many classes, and this is reminding me that I actually want to do that again. Like learning a new skill, and not only does it help you move

past things and keep you from sitting at home and watching TV or scrolling Instagram, we'll get to that in a minute that you shouldn't be checking their Instagram per se, but getting out of the house, if you like commit for something, and my big thing is like paying for a class ahead of time. Not like an optional gym class, but saying for six weeks, I'm putting money down, and I'm committing to every money night, I'm going to be selling from six to eight. And it's amazing what these classes will do for you.

Like I take continuing sex ed classes, sex ed, continuing education, or like, what else I do? Like I did writing classes, and just I do? I did writing classes and just I think I did a cooking class once, but you meet new people and you're out of your head and you something to look forward to. And it's also learning a new skill. So that's important. Also remember to reach out to friends you haven't seen in a while. And when you're ready, start saying yes to invitations that you wouldn't normally go to. So being around friends and family that make you feel good.

I don't know. I usually feel like my default is in those. I don't want to leave the house, but I really regret leaving the house. Now, sometimes I get out of the house and I actually effort hour. So I want to go back home because I'm done or I'm tired or whatever, but I never like why did I even go out? That's much rarer than me thinking, oh, I probably should have gone out tonight, but we get really comfortable at home.

So I think just encouraging yourself to make plans ahead of time. You guys, next thing super important is a digital detox. I know, I know it's really hard to get away from social media and to get them off your social media, but you have to block them. You have to block them, or if you can't block them, hide them from your feeds. Might also be blocking their phone number, their email address,

and unfollow their friends as well. Don't watch their stories. I mean your ex is going to be popping up on their profile, on your profile. Maybe you'll be seeing their friends in your profile, but do your best just to clean it out. Now just think this way. A few months you can add it back. I'm not saying it's forever. I'm just saying it's to get over it. So, in terms of we have to do things that are very, very intense and very specific and maybe even abrupt to switch up the pattern of addiction. And I do think a lot of us get addicted

to checking social media, checking up on our partners, checking up on whatever else is doing, and it just makes you feel bad. And if you haven't been paying attention to the news lately, there's literally every single day an article about depression and loneliness and social media and addiction and bullying and all these things. So this is such a great time for you to get on board

with at least just not following them. And also something that I've actually been practicing lately which really works for me is actually sleeping by phone outside the bedroom. I've finally done that and I feel, I've done it for like six days right now consistently and I honestly feel like I wake up on a cloud. I feel like there's less, just noise in the room

when I wake up, there's less negativity. I don't know, when I wake up and look at my phone first, I feel bad. I'm like, I don't wanna be doing this. I don't need to see anything in my first few moments of waking. So that's important thing to do too Um, if you have mutual friends by the way You don't need to ask about your acts. You can tell me you don't want to know what's going on And just take a friend take a break even if you have mutual friends like I said

Find new habits do new things see new people um with them, and it will really serve you well. I promise you, being around people and connecting to people that we really love or that we care about are, in fact, enhancing old relationships is the things that really start to replace that serotonin because you realize when we're with our partners, right, we have a high, when we're in a relationship, we get this sort of connection. It's like a drug when we are in love and we're with our partners, right? We have a high. When we're in a relationship, we get this sort of connection. It's like a drug when we are in love and we're with our partner. But when they're gone, we miss that. But I found that when I'm with really good friends or family of people that there's no drama and no stress, I feel just as fulfilled. Even when I'm going through a bad time and I,

if I can make it to get out of my house and be with them, it can be just as satisfying. I know, it sounds weird. It's not like I'm having sex with them, but I feel intense love and support and gratitude. Okay, so now the sex. So what are you going to do about the X sex? I know it is really hard not to have X sex, especially when you put them on a pedestal and all you're thinking about is how great the sex was. And I promise you, it feels really good in the moment. It might feel really good in the moment, but it really can mess with you, with mess with your emotions and make you think that maybe you should be together, there's all those love hormones, they get all fired up again. So if you just tell yourself, maybe in the future, if we're meant to be together, there might be a point in the future, but I am not going to sleep with them. And in fact, when

you're telling yourself this, guess what you get to do. You get to sleep with yourself. Masterbait you guys, make time for yourself to feel good and if you can't try not to fantasize about it. Maybe a great time to up your fantasy game, read some erotica, think about other things that turn you on. Think about things that could turn you on in the future. Write your own, new, write your own sexual

roadmap of what you want to accomplish in your next relationship or what you want to experience. Like picture your new lover, picture, you know, what you want to happen. Those are really fun ways to fantasize as well. And I think it's a great time to buy yourself some treats, pamper a treat yourself, as they say. So get a new sex toy, get a new vibrator. I think some sure things. I love the zoomio, you guys. This is a new toy that I just found out about and I love it. So the zoomio, it kind of looks like an electric toothbrush,

which is good if you have family around our kids or roommates because they don't know what it is. But when I love it, it has a pinpoint edge to it. It's a tip and it's actually really made for exploration. And since we have 8,000 nerve endings in our clitoris and areas around there, it really helps you kind of pinpoint it all and figure out the nerve endings. Like literally, I believe with this toy,

you can hit all of them and more. I think it's a genius toy and actually listener recommended to me. I felt like I knew everything and then I was like, I've never heard of it and I called them and they sent it to me and then I've met with them and I'm like, frickin' love this toy. So it's ZUMIO, it comes with a little guide

actually how to use it. And I just feel like another great thing about masturbation and about self-love is that I'm always saying that you should get down there with a mirror and take a look at what it actually looks like because if you can enhance your own sexual confidence and sexual skills during a breakup period,

amazing great time to do it. So this is a great one to use with a mirror and like this little, the zoomio can kind of really get into all the pusher points and you really be able to learn what works for you. So you can find out more about that at sexwithfamily.com slash zoomio, Z-U-M-I-O. It's also waterproof. Womanizer, you guys love the womanizer. It's great.

It works fast. It's excellent, literal stimulation. I think it closely stimulates oral sex and it's just, it's great for your nipples, it's great, it's great for pleasure. And it's a sure thing and you deserve one and they have many different kinds. And that's also at sexwithm.com slash womanizer. And then for guys, I get it.

Guys are going through breakups, hot octopus, pulse three, it's an oscillation toy that goes around your frendulum, which is that hot spot on the underside of your penis. It's kind of like a male sleeve, if you will, but doesn't go all the way around. And then there's also a flashlight. Flushing is really cool, you guys. I feel like, again, if you're masturbating, get away from thinking about your partner

and think about other things. And if you have a new toy to play with, it's variety, and it's a good time. So check those out. All right, here's a thing about, because I know you're gonna ask, rebound relationships. So Emily, do you think it's okay? Like they say that you gotta get under to get over? Is that true?

Do I need you to just be sleeping around with other people and then that's how I'm gonna get through it? Okay, there's many different schools of thought on this as well. I mean, you know yourself as well as I do. Sure, it might feel good for a minute and it might help you not, you know, feel all the loneliness and the emptiness. But what I can tell you is after a time of sleeping around and getting your immediate needs met, you're going to start missing your partner again. And you're going to start thinking about

it. So my recommendation is, wait as long as you can to feel sad and just actually missed your partner and do this stuff that I'm telling you is like, what did I learn? What didn't I learn? Because it's sort of like a numbing agent just to go out and have sex again right away. It's sort of, is a temporary solution, if you will, that kind of numbs us from feeling anything. So, I think a rebound relationship, which we know what that is, it's right after break-up, you know, before we've been resolved stuff from the past, we start sleeping with someone else. And I think a lot of times that's like,

we have a fear of being alone. We have a fear that the one you won't love us again. And that, that it just, you know, and then here's this other person. And oftentimes, this rebound relationship person is the opposite of what our partner is. It's everything different. Like I often say that you tend to heal our past relationships

and our current one. Like if your last partner was always late, not generous and was that into sex, you're going to find someone who's always early, wants have sex 24, seven, and is buying you things all the time. But that doesn't mean that that's a good thing. It means that we might be filling ourselves up and thinking this person's the one because we were starved for these other traits in our last relationship.

So we're going to be like, Oh, wow, I need to fill starved for these other traits in our last relationship. So we're gonna be like, oh wow, I need to fill myself up with all these traits that I was missing. So just be careful of that as well. And eventually I think we get picked to a place where the pendulum swings back to the middle and you're like, well, I need someone who's sort of in the middle

of all these things. I also think we get into a rebound situation and I know there are times where it has worked. But if you get into a relationship and you're not sure if your feelings still and you're like, well, this will be good to pass the time. Realize that there's another human that you're doing this with and they might not really recognize that.

And they might think that you are ready to emotionally invest when you're not. And then you end up hurting their feelings and then it'll be another breakup under your belt. And so I feel like if you haven't resolved your conflicts from your previous relationship, you're never going to fully be able to give yourself to your new partner. And sure you can tell them that I've told people that before that I'm really in this temporary space and maybe it temporary works, but usually they start to get feelings and it can get messy. So I'm not saying you're not going to go out and have sex, but just try to be honest

about where you're at. And just remember this, if your conflicts are unresolved, like this is not a good time. If you are still angry with your partner, like you're like, they were such an asshole, she was a bitch. Oh my God, like everyone says, oh, she was crazy. And he was a jerk. If you still feel that anger and you haven't yet seen your partner in it, even if this person cheated on you and they were horrible, you had a partner. You did. And I know that that might make you angry, but takes two to tango. There were two of you in the relationship, and there were maybe signs that you weren't ready to look at.

There might have been things you weren't ready to communicate about, but now you have time to process it. I just think that when you're vulnerable and still hurting, not the best time to get into a new one. Now, I'm not saying you'd like starve yourself to sex all this time, but take time to figure out who you are. So when you want to get back into dating, just make sure you're really, really ready. You're not doing it because you're lonely, or you're afraid that you're like missing out because believe me, dating isn't going anywhere. Sex isn't going

anywhere. I mean, there are more things we will now than anytime before. There's more dating apps, there's more ways to meet people. So I think it's really good to take time to actually be single because then you know what you want in relationships moving forward. So once you're ready, you know, start out slow. And I also think you guys, I think this is changing now. I hope, but it's okay to not commit. It's okay to start dating a few people at once and let people know that you're dating. I think that one of the problems is, and again,

it's changing, is that we would date someone a few times, we'd have sex, and then we'd think, okay, time to lock it down. We've had sex, and now I want you to be my boyfriend or my girlfriend forever. And I think it's not necessarily enough time, just because we can't deal with maybe the uncertainty of having to stop with someone and not having a commitment, commitment. Maybe there's a gray area of commitment, or maybe there's a way that you could know how this partner feels and how you feel, but you don't have to like just say, okay, now I am in another relationship. Because I think part of the dating process is actually dating a lot of people, like that

saying you got to kiss a lot of frogs. Like, you do have to date a lot of people to figure out what you actually like in a partner. And I think you shouldn't feel guilty about it and just be honest. If you are looking for someone, again, the dating apps you guys was a big study that came out last week that said that people are meeting on dating apps.

It's the number one place people are meeting online than anywhere else. Like, it used to be friends and it used to be restaurants and it used to be clubs. And now it's like number one dating online. So just find the apps that you like or the, you know, sliding to someone's DMs or however you're doing it. Tell everyone, you know that you're single.

People that you trust, your friends, not everyone you know. I guess tell your friends, your coworkers, people who are invested in your happiness in your future that if they know of anybody, you know, you'd be interested in dating again. So, you know, and then say yes. Like I said, say yes to things that come up for you. Maybe there's like outings or events or barbecues that you wouldn't go to normally. Just say yes. You never know who you're going to meet. And I've tried the dating apps, and for me, I mostly have met people out when I go out in vents, and mostly it's things I didn't want to go to because I actually, there's

a lot of things I don't want to go to. I mostly am like you guys, I want to stay home a lot and watch TV and I go out and I do and I always am glad I, because either I'm a new friend or maybe I'll meet someone. Also practice talking to people when you're out. Like even if you're not attracted to someone, remember it is a muscle and if we don't use it, we actually do lose it.

So practice your flirting skills with strangers. Doesn't matter, just talk to people and say hello and you never know when you're gonna make a new friend So that can happen too. All right guys finally staying friends with your ex is it possible? Well see above I believe that you have to block them and not talk to them for at least three months do a three to six months detox No talking no writing no face timing no then, after that point, think about it. Well, why do I actually want to be friends with them? Now, if your answer was genuinely because we had a strong connection, I really care about this person

and I don't feel like I want to be with them in a more intimate way, then I think that's a great time to be friends with them. But, if you really, really, really are like, ah, I hope they'll get you know, to ask yourself this well, I want to be friends with them. But if you really, really, really are like, ah, I hope they'll get, you know, to ask yourself this, well, I want to be friends, but I hope they're gonna see how amazing I am and want to get back together, then no.

You are not ready to be friends with them yet. If you do retouch them and they're like, you say, I really want to be friends and they're cool with it, meet in daylight. We all know what happens at night. We all know we're gonna get drink or two. Blah, blah, blah, you going to end up back in bed. So make it during the day.

And then, you know, things get more solid. Sure, bring them out at night and do things like that. But at first, start slowly. Okay, and don't fall into those old habits of, you know, oh, like seeing their friends again and like helping them with things that you helped them with in the past. You really have to keep it in mind that you broke up for a reason. And I think that it's okay to have a really deep friendship with someone who used to

date. It makes sense. You love them. You had a good time together. They know you. They're part of your history. They know your family. They know your friends.

And it's great. And then you guys, I am friends with a lot of my exes. Like truly, truly, really good friends. But it didn't happen right away. And it's okay. Like I'm happy to be friends with them and not being a't happen right away and it's okay. I'm happy to be friends with them and not being a relationship, but again, it's not for everybody.

Also, you've got to be happy for their new relationships because that's going to happen too. You might be friends with someone for a while, you're ex and then they get a new one. You get new relationships. That's going to be something that you're going to have to deal with as well, but I promise you guys, it's weirdly, there are some exes that I am friends with now that I can't believe it because I think back on just a few years ago when I was like so sad and devastated and missed them.

And now it's like, I'm out with them last week for dinner with their new girlfriend, Bringin' to Macockering, which I did. Well, for both of them, but I was like, here you go. Here's my favorite sexress, because I truly love him and want him to be happy, but three years ago, no. I wanted to be happy, but I couldn't be friends with him

and bring him a Macockering that he's gonna put his dick in someone else with, I wouldn't have done that, but now I'm happy for his happiness. All right, guys, that's your breakup survival guide. Let me know what you think. Anything to add? I hope that's helped you. You can email me with all your questions, feedback at sexelmy.com. We're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your email questions. I love answering your questions, you guys. It's why I do what I do. I really do.

So if you want a question, answer on the show. Go to sexwithelme.com. Click that, scan the tab, fill the short form and put yes if you want to be called or just email us. Feedbackit, sexwithelme.com. But please, please, please include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And you can also change your name. We are cool with that. Thanks, guys. All right, Jamie, you, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And you can also change your name.

We are cool with that. Thanks, guys. All right, Jamie, wanna read the emails? Of course. Okay, so this first one comes to us from Corinne, who's 21, in Ontario. She writes, Hi, Emily. I really love the way penetrative sex and my boyfriend feels, so I want to incorporate that feeling into my masturbation routine.

I thought Dildos would be the solution, but I haven't had much luck with them. I've tried two different Dildos, and neither have done much for me. They don't cause me discomfort, but they don't cause me any pleasure either. This puzzles me because sex and my boyfriend feels great, but I can't seem to recreate the feeling with Dildos at all. Any idea as to why this might be, and any tips on how I can get close to the feeling of someone doing me when I'm by myself. Thanks. All right, Karine, this is a great question. Now, here's a thing. Just know, it's never going to feel exactly the same as your boyfriend because he is actually a human

and a dildo is not. So the first thing is, I want to say about penetrative sex is that you might also need some literal stimulation because for women to feel the same amount of pleasure to have orgasm, just often because you are using a clitoral vibrator as well. And often for women who haven't had an orgasm or haven't had a lot of independent G-Spot orgasms without being with a partner, just get one on your clitoris as well, like the CalX Pave Liz vibrator.

We love that, it's like a finger vibe and it's really pretty. And your, for your hand essentially turns into a vibrator, we love that. It's like a finger vibe and it's really pretty and your for your hand essentially turns into a vibrator, which is awesome. So I think some things you can do is get into some of the positions that you actually do with your boyfriend and kind of reenact the sex that you're having. You can also use pillows to prop it up

or to keep it in place. And you can also try literally riding your dildo or grinding with it. So maybe you're on your stomach and you're grinding on it and you could also have a literal vibe there as well. Your boyfriend can use it with you so you can also make him a part of it and you're thinking well if my boyfriend's there then I don't need it but honestly maybe if there's some kind of association you can do with him using it that'll make it a lot sexier when you're alone. And we love the G-Jack II by F-T London.

It would be great to try because it's a vibrator, but it actually heats up to your body temperature, which makes it feel like a lot more real and vibrates. So just so you know, you guys, Dildos do not vibrate. Dildos are made of like glass or stone or steel and they have a lot of weight to them, but they don't vibrate. Maybe you need a little vibration, a little more pressure.

I would check out that or you could get a dual stimulation vibe like the Nova if you want to try to get both the literal Andy spot. Okay, Korean, you're 21, so I love this question. You're still figuring out your learning. I think the more you play with toys, you're really going to get into your groove and figure out what feels good to you. So thanks for that question.

I love she's 21. I'm asking all these good questions. I know, and actually, not many people ask about dildos. No, they don't. But I think it's like a lost masturbatory art. It is. It is. We like our dildos. No, they don't. But I think it's like a lost masturbatory art. It is. It is. We like our dildos.

True. All right. This next email comes to us from Gordon, who's 38 in Toronto. Hello, Emily. I'm a happily married man or thought I was for three years, but I've been with this person for eight years. I've been away at work for the last ten months on the opposite side of the world. I've only seen my wife three times during that period of time, and I feel like we have

grown very far apart. Due to the type of work, me and all my co-workers spent all of our time together. During this time, we became very good friends with the woman, and somehow fell in love with her. We have kissed, but not had sex, but I still feel terrible. However, we both feel the same way about each other, and don't know what to do. I love my wife, but feel we don't have a connection when I see her or talk to her. On top of that, I feel incredibly strong about this coworker like I have never felt before.

This job will be over in a few weeks, and I may never see this coworker again unless I choose to stay with her. What do I do? All right, I'm really glad you emailed me Gordon because this is what you've just gone through. You've been in like a seductive little work bubble out of the country. You're in a foreign country. You're working on sounds like maybe like an intense project with new people and you're all like really into the project

and it's exciting and maybe there's a lot of deadlines and you're exploring a new city which is all very romantic and seductive. And I can see that you've grown away from your wife. If you've only seen her three times in your cross the world. So that's what's gonna happen. Like this is like it reminds me of like the bachelor or something when they're like, I can't believe I fell in love with this person so fast. It's because that's all they have to do

is they're sequestered from the real world and their family and their friends and the news and social media. And all you have to do is fall in love. That's their job. And it's almost like, in the, and I've been in these situations before. So I'm speaking from experience

that when you're in a foreign country and you're working and you like, in the, and I've been in these situations before. So I'm speaking from experience that when you're in a foreign country and you're working and you're believing in something, it's gonna make sense that you're gonna feel, it's gonna feel intoxicating to meet someone else. You don't have the daily distractions, you don't have the home chores, it's just an exciting and creative. I feel like you really have to go home

and reconnect with your wife. Now listen, this coworker, you think you're in love with her and maybe you do our feeling love. Like I could see if you're away for 10 months and you're together every single day that you've really gotten close together. But I think that you love your wife and you've been with her for eight years

and you really gotta go back home and you gotta reconnect with her and listen to her and talk about what you've been through. Because I know it can be hard if you just see her three times or talking on the phone. It's just, you know, when there's no physical, there's no intimacy, it makes sense that you fill out a connection with your partner. But I'm saying, please do not leave her for this other woman. That's very drastic.

She's probably not going anywhere. This coworker as well. So if you go back home and it doesn't work after a few months, then I would say, you know, we can email me or call me, we can talk about it then. But right now, my advice for you is to go back home, leave this one behind and work at reconnecting with your wife that you love. All right. This next one comes to us from Marie 42 in Canada. Hi, Emily, a question about orgasms. I've only ever been able to achieve clitoral orgasms by tensing up my entire lower body. So we're having orgasms during sex, I need to have my legs straight, buttocks clenched, and be a missionary position.

Other positions don't provide enough stimulation. Even while masturbating with a vibrator, I need to keep my muscles tense to reach orgasm. Do you have any suggestions on how I can learn to climax with my muscles relaxed so I can enjoy other positions more? Thanks. Yes Marie, this is a question that we get off in and I actually used to have this challenge as well. learn to climax with my muscles relax so I can enjoy other positions more. Thanks. Yes, Marie. This is a question that we get often, and I actually used to have this challenge as well. That was the first way that I orgasmed. It was like squeezing my legs together. So really it's just a matter of re, I wouldn't say it's a relearning.

It's like being open to other raised orgasms. So when you're masturbating is the best time to practice. And so you're going to want to do the same things that you've been doing this whole time, like you're going to want to start clenching, but you're going to have to just kind of, it be an exploratory mode without the goal of orgasm. So when you're masturbating, just start playing with your different nerve endings. You know, if you're using a toy, like tease your labia, your, your clitoris around it, your pubic mound, press down in that area above your clitoris outside, internally, be patient with the timing,

and be patient with the, that it's not gonna be the same way. It's really just a retraining your body. A lot of it is breathing, a lot of it is exploring and not getting frustrated. Because you've been doing it your 42 years old, so I'm assuming this is how it's been going for, for all of the time, since the beginning of time.

So, but it really won't take you that long if you just kind of You go into it and you're gonna realize oh my god. I had no idea that there's all these other nerve-riding and all these other ways to To orgasm so the fact that you're even just asking about it is amazing and telling you You could also try like separating your legs apart like if you were squeezing them You'll realize that there's other ways to tense those muscles when your legs are separated also Also putting a pillow under your butt and lifting up your pelvic, your back, your backside could also help you also maybe some grinding. If you flip over into your stomach, you could start grinding also on the bed or on a toy. So I think I would just have fun with this and not be attached to what was

in the past. And I think that you'll be able to realize that you'll be able to have orgasms in so many different ways. This next one comes to us from Charles, who's 45 in Texas. Dear Emily, my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost four years. She's had an interest in having a threesome. I work away from home and we only get to be together

on the weekends. So you joined Dany App and was sharing the photos of the potential other women at first. She started acting a little different with her phone, so I looked. I know it was wrong to go on her phone and I'm mad at myself for doing so. However, I found she was trying to hook up with another woman at home while I was away.

And she was also messaging and sharing photos and deleting the conversations with another woman. I felt as if she was trying to cheat on me and called off the whole idea. Am I right for feeling as if she was cheating or do you think I was overreacting or just insecure thanks in advance? All right, God. Every day we get something about the phones. I get it, Charles.

I get it. You thought you there was something. You looked and you found something, which we're always going to find something. Now, I think you have to have a super honest conversation with her about it and be prepared for the truth. Now, I can't tell you. I mean, it does sound like maybe she was trying to hook up with other women and maybe she missed you.

You're gone every week and you're only there on the weekends. I mean, it still is not. It's honest. It's dishonest to be with someone else. So I feel like you're right to feel like it's cheating. I don't necessarily think that you're overreacting because you're seeing photos that she's deleted.

You guys had a plan But I think really if you want to get the truth from her then you have to go and let her know that you look at the phone And you're really sorry and you can let her be angry You don't know as a violation, but I saw you putting it away all the time or whatever was the weird behavior and just say Please be honest with me about what's what what's going on Do you feel like you want to speak together? Do you want to be with the women without me? And you just have to be okay. And you have to be open to what she tells you because if you go in really angry,

I mean, I don't think that anybody's ever been yelled at for cheating or been like made to feel guilty for cheating that it's actually like, they're gonna make you're right. I'm sorry, like let's be together. I mean, maybe that happens, but it's not from a genuine place. So what I'm saying is if you go into it,

just honestly, curious, you're allowed to be hurt. You could say, maybe feel really bad, like you were cheating, but I want to know from you, like what is it that you want? Because you don't want her to just saying, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you and let's try to make it work. Cause maybe she does want to be with other women without you.

And that's something you're gonna have to look at, but I think if you want to get the honest answer from her, you have to go in with like a, you know, tail between your legs, I'm sorry, I looked at your phone, but I really need to know where this is what it's up here to me. Yeah, you feeling like you want to be with other women? Something else happened. Let me know and we can move on. That's what you got to do, but you can't guess around here. You know, I don't know either. I don't know you know more than I do. So talk to our Charles, okay? And then let me know how it goes.

I can help you with the next steps. And this last one comes to us from Joy who's 16 in Illinois. Hi Emily, I've only kissed one guy and it was not good because it was not a guy I was attracted to. I got pressured by friends to do it and I had added self pressure because I felt like a late bloomer.

Most people I know have already had sex. Ever since then, which was about six months ago, it has been really hard for me to be attracted to guys or even think about kissing them. I want a boyfriend and want to kiss guys and eventually have sex, but I'm so afraid that it'll be bad or that my previous experience messed me up. I'm scared to kiss another guy

and scared to eventually give a blowjob and have sex. What can I do to regain my attraction to guys and have more confidence in my sexuality and myself? Side note, this podcast has changed my life already in so many ways. Thanks for all that you do. Joy, thank you so much for this email. I'm glad you found the podcast at 16. It's pretty amazing to me and I'm glad it's already changed your life. Thank you for emailing it. Here's a deal. I get it. Most of your friends have had sex and you feel like a late bloomer and I'm just telling you that you're not. You're going at your own speed. You're going at

your own pace. And I'm really sorry that you got pressured into a situation that your first experience with the guy was a guy that you know someone forced you into kissing. The more you can just kind of give yourself a break right now and take the pressure off yourself and just kind of experience school and your friends and not making apologies for where you're at that you're gonna realize that you will be attracted to someone. I know that there's gonna be a lot of pressure from yourself and from school and from your friends,

but the more you can go back to knowing that you are moving at your own pace and that no one else can tell you what you could do or what you should be doing is the most important thing to think about. Now also, remember, I'm gonna go back to your sentence here. I'm scared to get another guy, scared to eventually get a blowjob and have sex.

Well, if you've been listening, you realize that sex is actually about your pleasure. So what right now would be a great time for you to start figuring out what actually feels good to you. Masterbaiting, figuring out your orgasm, listening to more podcasts, doing more research, because when it comes time for you and when you're really ready, it's going to be because you want to, because you're attracted to someone, and you're ready to also get pleased. And I'm telling you, when you get pleased and you're satisfied, you

won't be scared and you won't be worried about the blow jobs and sex because it's going to feel like it's a more mutually satisfying relationship. And that's what you want for everybody. Okay. So Joy, keep me posted. Let me know how it goes. Thanks for your email. And I'm so glad you've been listening to the show. I'm here for you. Alright, guys, thanks for listening to the show and emailing and sending in your questions and being part of this podcast for so many years. Thanks for sharing it with your friends, send them links, you can tell them that you found it helpful too.

I know a lot of us don't talk about sex with anybody. You know, I think the more that you are open and you become that one in your friends group that's talking about sex or in your new relationship, it's really going to help to spread the word of what we're doing here at Sex with Emily. So thanks for doing that. And thank you, Jamie, for being awesome. Thanks to our amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, Jamie, and Michael.

Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com. you