Sex With Emily - Big Pegging Energy

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

To peg, or not to peg? That’s the question we’re going to push into today… and yes, pun intended. Pegging, which typically involves a penis owner being penetrated through the use of a strap-on dildo by a vulva owner, seems to be more popular than ever. But arguably more than other forms of pleasure, strap on sex challenges the way we think about masculinity, femininity and heteronormative pleasure. Role reversal and anal play require a great deal of trust, empathy and vulnerability. But if partners can work through these challenges, the payoff can be immense. And that’s why on today’s episode, I want to explore not just the steps partners should take to responsibly explore strap on intercourse, but also how the benefits can go way beyond the bedroom.Show Notes:Do’s and Dont’s of Anal SexHow to Find The Best Lube For YouSavage Love by Dan SavageBest Sex Toys for CouplesHarnesses and Anal-Safe Dildos from Good Vibrations Ask Emily: My Partner Is Friendly With Other Guys Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You might even believe that a penis owner, their role is to physically overpower an injury. They have to be as hard as possible, they have to be driving, and they have to be in charge. And so when the roles are reversed, the attention is just taken away from the penis, and when the role owner is the one doing the stimulating, that is a real act of submission for a penis owner. Like they are submitting perhaps for the first time and that is definitely challenging traditional mass clinically.

And can you be challenging for even most enlightened penis owners? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. To peg or not to peg, that's the question we're going to push into today. to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. To peg or not to peg. That's the question we're going to push into today, and he asks pun intended.

Pegging which typically involves a penis owner being penetrated through the use of a strap on dildo by a vulva owner seems to be more popular than ever. But here's the thing. More than other forms of pleasure strap-on sex challenges the way we think about roles in the bedroom. So if partners can work through these challenges, the payoff can be incredible, from stimulating the prostate to learning to lead and dominate in the bedroom. Both can be really hot.

And that's why on today's episode, I explore the steps partner should take to responsibly have strap-on sex and how the benefits go way beyond the bedroom. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in sending an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could this episode help you? My intention for this episode is to explore how switching up these power dynamics can allow you and your partner to be more empathetic of each other and open up new opportunities for pleasure.

Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily, my partner's friendly with other guys, is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. One more thing.

So this recording had some minor technical issues, so please, please, please excuse the sound quality. Thank you everyone and enjoy this episode. Let's talk about pegging. So to start, I asked you on Instagram and I was like, have you ever tried pegging? Okay. Well, 35% of you said you don't know what pegging is. 55% of you know what it is, but you've never tried it and 10% of you haven't tried it.

So let's get into it and let's talk all about pegging. So in there was two decades that I've been doing this work studying sexuality. I have to say there's only been like about two sex acts that have really come on the scene that have sort of changed the cultural discourse around sexuality, challenging gender norms and taboos and all that. And the first one is anal sex which I think has actually become a little bit more mainstream. And the next one is pegging. And pegging is certainly on the rise.

I would say the years I've been doing this just in the last four or five years have a handle out more active interest from you, the listeners. So the term pegging is actually a new term, relatively new. But you can trace pegging back to the ancient Egyptians. Pegging initially was used to describe the act of a straight penis owner being penetrated by a wall owner, but really it can be used to describe any gender being penetrated. So it's all about a strap-on-sex with a dildo, but penetration without a penis. So you might be thinking, why? Why are people into this? Well, let's just talk about it first. If you have a penis, you also have a prostate.

And the prostate, we've talked about on the show a lot, is a walnut-sized gland inside the anus that can feel incredible when it's stimulated. And it's sort of, we call it, the male g-spot or the pea-spot. And you can find the g spot, it's about two inches inside, two or three inches inside towards the stomach, sort of with a comhiller motion if you insert inside the anus. That's how you would find it. Okay, so what you have to remember though is, like I said, vulva owners who wants to be penetrated from something other than a penis which totally makes sense and can feel amazing, can have some fun with pegging. So why are we talking about it now?

Initially this term was coined by Dan Savage. He's an acclaimed sex columnist. In 2001, his column was called Savage Love. And he said, I'm not going to pull my list or anything. There is a sex act. And what are we going to call it? A heterosexual man was starting to hear about this if they want to be pen traded and he's like, what do we call it? And his audience came up with Pegging. Pegging has certainly increased, as I've known to say seven the last four or five years

definitely with my show, but there's a sex retailer. Love Honey reported that the sales of strap-ons have increased 200% as of 2020. And Google searches for Pegging have increased roughly 16 times since 2004 and maybe I've seen it in pop culture these days It was in Rod City. There was a mention of Pegging There have been some rumors about Prince William. I don't like to talk about rumors But you know that's been out there and sort of everything in between there's just been a lot more Pegging Although I just asked my 80-year-old mother and she had no idea what it was. She's like, what are you recording?

And I said, I'm about to go do some tour show on pegging. And she was really, that she was older now. We didn't really have to get into all the new things. But here's the thing. What I love about pegging though is how incredible that we have another way to experience pleasure or connection and intimacy with the partner.

As long as we can get out of our heads and start thinking that like having sex in a certain way describes us in a way that we don't want to be described or it feels really taboo. Well today we're going to take away all that. All your concerns about it, you can actually understand and think about like is this something that I want to try out? So the other thing about petting though, here's some other things that it does go against the traditional gender roles. Like, think about it. We always assume the vulva owners generally, the receiving partner, while the penis owner is the inserting partner.

It could also be more popular because our society's views are just changing. You know, what is masculine? What is feminine? You know, let's kind of challenge some sexual taboos. So today, we're going to cover what I'm applying the four pegs of pegging. So first like what is pegging? The payoff both partners can experience which go far beyond the bedroom. Number three, what challenges couple may face including the stigma around anal sex and switching up roles in the bedroom and finally number four, how pegging works, what type of strap-ons to use, how to get

comfortable with it, all the things. And I'm also going to be including some of your feedback on pegging as well, which I heard from you on Instagram, which I love. You guys go on there, it's at Sex with the Emily and help me sort of speak to you, and what you're looking to find out about all the shows that we do. Let's get into it. So what is it? Well, as mentioned, typically, pegging involves a blah blah owner penetrating a penis owner's inness, using a dildo, a fix to a harness

known as a strap-on. So this is a rule reversal between the blah blah owner who is now the peger and the penis owner who's now the pegui. So to see now, that said, pegging can also involve two blah blah owners, two penis owners, even a penis owner using a sleeve or extender to penetrate their vulva-only order. So, there are different variations of pegging.

Pegging to see now is usually associated with anal penetration of the penis owner, but reminder, pegging can involve the vagina as well. You can pegging, and in the holes. That's your end too. Alright, so let's talk about the payoff. Why? Why are people paying? Okay, let's talk about penis dinners. What are they getting out of this? Well, as we covered, stimulating the prostate can result in just an amazing, incredible orgasm, a different kind of orgasm, perhaps than a penis diner has ever had. It's different than a

penis orgasm, but there is more to it than a great orgasm and pleasure. There's also health benefits to massage the prostate. It reduces inflammation and reduces risk of prostate cancer. And the other thing about the role reversal is it allows the penis owners to experience sex from their partner's perspective. So here's what I heard from some of you on Instagram. Some of our penis owners said, I think it opens a man on a deeper level, makes him the most vulnerable and so intimate. Now the one of you said, it's made me a better, more empathic top, which I think can be really true.

Like now you know what your partner's experience, and you get to experience both roles. Now the one of you said, oh my God, it's so hot. I love being bent over. It says a trait I wish more women were into it. And that was common. I heard that from a lot of you saying,

I wish that my vulva owning partner would be into this. But I also heard from both owners who said, you wish that your penis owner partner would be into it. So we're gonna help you all get into it. In fact, I highly recommend that you listen to the show with your partner. If it's been on the list, maybe talking about it or not able to talk about it, this is a great place to start. All right, so what are they

getting out of it? So when the vocal owner is doing the pegging, is it the novelty of just being the dominant partner? That's a huge turn on. The novelty of having like BDE or big dick energy is just a turn on itself. That's not something that we often get to experience. And like I always want to emphasize and mind you that novelty in variety are really important factors to incorporate to have a fulfilling sex life overall. Because the lack of novelty, trying new things in variety

is when, here for a lot of you, that your sex life just gets still, and you're doing the same moves, and the same things over and over and over again. So, pegging is definitely one of those new things. If you evolve a maybe this is helping you with your fantasy of wanting to be in the dominant role, or maybe it just feels good to know that you can give your partner a new kind of pleasure and experience and stimulation.

And I'm going to get my heart from a Volvo owner who said, I love it. It's helped me understand what it's like to trust someone to penetrate you. She gives it a 10 out of 10. And I want to remind you that anal penetration feels amazing for vulva owners as well. And you can have all kinds of orgasms. So remember that anal penetration can feel amazing for vulva owners. It can indirectly stimulate the G-spot through penetration in the anesthesic thin membrane. They can hit up against a G-spot through penetration in the A-message. It's just a thin membrane that can hit up against a G-spot.

And another place can feel it is the A-spot, which is the interior for an X-roddenous zone. That is another X-zone that can feel great when stimulated. And that can all happen through penetration. And there have been studies I have to remind you that vulva owners who engage in anal sex more often have more orgasms and more intense orgasms. Why isn't everybody paying? There's certainly challenges and there's some things that we need to move past before we can get into it. So a lot of us have to look at our conditioning. I mean, many of us believe that a penis owner, their role is to physically overpower in the bedroom.

They have to be as hard as possible. They have to be driving, and they have to be in charge. And so when the roles are reversed, the attention is just taken away from the penis. And when the volumna owner is the one doing the stimulating, that is a real act of submission for a penis owner. Like they are submitting perhaps for the first time, and that is definitely challenging traditional mass clinicalinity and can be challenging for even most enlightened penis owners. I think I thought I'm ill and into it, but I'm not sure if I can take it. But really what's important is being a part of the trust and you can communicate and talk about all the stuff together and make it a really truly shared experience. So there is a vulnerability that is just necessary to be

penetrated, and then there's a new feeling of maybe giving in dominance and control that's experienced by role-owners. And the other thing is that role-owners can, you know, allows women to know like, what does it actually feel like to be inside of a man? Think about it. Like, you don't often get that experience of what does it feel like to be outwardly giving and penetrating, right? We're usually receiving in our vagina.

That can just be a thrill. This is a huge concern too. So I heard from a lot of you said, I want to do it, my partner won't do it, or what about the shame, and what about laughing it off or judging. You know, Gabby wanted to make sure that we are picking the right partners, that were picking partners who are all about having growth mindset around sex, and they're interested in exploring new things and they're able to move past

societal conditioning, what they might have been told, what they might have heard, and what they even believe about sex. Because if you're with a partner that you can trust and you feel safe with, and you're like, we're in this together, and I'm going to be open to your sensations, and you're going to be open to mine, and we're going to talk about it, and we're going to try to move past everything we've been taught. Now, that is a practice. I wouldn't expect I wanted to go from zero to pegging, but I think that the challenges a lot of us are not able to fully experience sex like we want to because of this conditioning

and societal messages. And so I think the first thing is listening to sex positive content like this show and looking for images online or looking at porn or finding people who are Experiencing the kind of things that you want to so even if it's listening to it on this show might help you Change your mind around or your judgments around this kind of sex and playing with roles So it's baby steps, but in fact using this show is a great first step. Another thing is there is a misconception, this is a huge one, that a penis or an ores enjoyment of anal sex is connected to their sexual orientation. So if I put something in my butt, it's going to mean that I am gay. I have to remind you that just because you like something pleasurable does not make you anything,

does not define your sexual orientation. So from Instagram you said, my ex wouldn't consider it. She thought my love of bum stuff and my thongs, you know, she thought that I was gay. Not what you said would like it, but my girl doesn't seem to understand. Okay, so let me to say this if there's a misconception that a penis owner thinks that if they enjoy anal sex, it's connected their sexual orientation and makes them gay. Let me just say that it's not true. Enjoying some pleasure in your anus does not make you gay at all.

At least in study found that 60% of men who statistically are much more likely identify as heterosexual fantasize about receiving anal sex. So all men have a prostate regardless of your sexual orientation and stimulating that prostate can feel amazing. And remember, I just want to say this, anal sex can be messy, okay? So throw down a towel, mix clean up, easy, and once you've some race effect, that sex all kinds of sex can be messy, but particularly anal sex, not to worry about it, we are doing this for the pleasure and we can take care of it. So how does that work? So since packing does involve anal play or anal sex, start with the

warm up. I don't think you ever want to go to zero right into penetration, but start with a finger. Start with the ringing, using your mouth, or other alternatives to penetration. And as always, we've got some great shows on anal. You may want to check those out when we give a lot of details about preparation and how to go slow. And definitely, you always want to use a lot of lead. Just go check out my dos and don'ts of anal sex. We'll also put that in the show notes.

It's a great article on our website and that's going to help you with all of your pegging play. So you don't want to go too hard at first. You want to use plenty of lubrication. And so remember, even the most experienced, we do not go from zero to anal sex. And remember communication is so important. This is all about communicating before, during, and after. After the break we're going to talk about equipment. What do you need?

You're ready. You want a pet. What do you do? You need a dildo. You need a harness. There's also some strapless models of harness and you need some glue. So when shopping for the right strap on what are you looking for where you want to make sure that you are using body-state materials and if you're just starting out, it's probably

best to use a smaller size dildo with the easiest to use strap on. You want to make this easy so you can find a harness that can accommodate several different size dildos so it's really easy to put on and it's really easy to adjust. And there's also some great dildo starter kits that you and your partner kind of get used to the Roll switching and being penetrated. I also put a few of my top recommendations on my website and that's at sectorofallome.com slash shop which will be linked in the show notes. I want you also just like if you're trying for the first time get get comfortable with your strap on. Like, where are you around the house? And what does it feel like? You want to get a new outfit and you feel really good. You walk around looking in the mirror like, how does it feel to be like a carnus with

a dildo? Get comfortable with it. If it's a music on, dance around and like, so you can have it, you be the dominating penetrating force. Okay? How's that feel? Okay. So positions, a good position to start with is cowboy or car girl with the peggar line on the back

and the peggie's sitting on top. So this one, I recommend because their scene partner has direct eye contact for easier communication and you can kind of guide the dildo into place for behind. So that's one way to do it and then doggy style. Another composition is doggy style, where the peggy's and all fours on the peg are as behind them, underneath are standing off the bed.

It's a good starting position because you'll both be well balanced and sturdy. Remember that no matter who is the peg or the peg, each partner is taking a leap of faith and going outside of their comfort zone. So the patience and the understanding is plenty of communication. You know, I love my three T's of communication.

I want you all to practice this timing, tone, and turf. We have a great guide on our site, our three T's of communication guide. You might want to check out that will help you with this conversation. And so many of those sex conversations that we don't know how to have. And just remember, this is done right. It can be a incredible opportunity to experience pleasure through your partner's perspective and in like a whole new level of understanding for one another. Okay, so let's get into your

emails. This is from Lauren, 33 in Canada. Hey, Debt Dremley, love your podcast. I have found myself in a bit of a pickle and I need your help. A couple of years ago, my boyfriend opened up to me about how he might like to try pegging. I'm a very sexual person and although I did have a couple of questions, I wanted to be open-minded about it and try it for him. We didn't try and get one or twice, but then we kind of forgot about it. Or so I thought. I was recently cleaning his office and came across several large dildos, leave, etc. At first I found this quite alarming, but I'm

trying to just keep in mind that something you liked. I've not brought up to him and not sure if I should or how to go about it. I know you'd be embarrassed or angry at first. I just want to know, I'm okay with it, and why do you part of this experience here with me and enjoys it so much. Also, is it okay to be concerned to find out your wife and wife's big penises in his butt? I can't help but wonder a little bit, please help. All right, thank you so much for your question, Lauren. I really, really appreciate it. So what I'm hearing from you is that you really want to be included in your partner's fantasy.

You want to be a part of that fantasy, but you also want to understand the fantasy and what does it actually mean that these are large gildos and how we can do this so we can both be great lovers to each other. And I get that. So it sounds like your partner's into pegging and maybe that's more of your partner's cake than yours. So you can just talk to your partner about this and I recommend that this is a conversation that you have outside the bedroom. I'm not sure last time you guys have had like a state of the union talk about your sex life, but this would be the time to do it. I don't think you want to leave the back that

you found these big dildos in your concert about. But I do think it's important for you and your partner to start to have conversations about your sex life outside the bedroom. We just think, let's talk about our sex life. And we're at right now, like, what's been going well? And what do we want more of? I think that this is important for so many couples to have this kind of conversations. And so it might be that your partner has felt less safe sharing with you because maybe it happened a little bit in the past or maybe they have some shame around it. Maybe

that's why these toys are hidden. So if you talked your partner in a way that you're very curious, not critical, you're open and you're willing to just kind of listen and hear more about your partner's turn-ons, I think they might be more willing to open up to you. And then you kind of hear what they have to say about that. And I also urge you to share your own fantasies and your own turn ons, you know, so you make sure that you're getting your needs met as well. So I also have to say, I don't think I can say this enough in

this show, but enjoying anal penetration is not connected to your sexual orientation at all. Penicinus owners have a prostate, and when stimulated, they can enhance the orgasms or they can have different kinds of orgasms. That's what it is. Perhaps this will help put your mind at rest and you can realize it like this doesn't mean anything in my bladder except for that they want to have pleasure and more connection

with me. I would take that and try to talk to your partner about it and see where this goes. Alright, thanks for your question. The morning. Okay, this is from Shelley 50 in Los Angeles. Hey, Doctor Ellie, my boyfriend is straight but was introduced to Gare Kiki Porn when he was young by a teacher. Now when he gets high, inhibitions are low and he wants to dress like a woman and have me roleplay like a man and perform anal sex with a strap on. I have and I feel like I want to please him

because I love him, but I get burnt out and sometimes feel like I'm just doing it to make him happy. I don't mind it once in a while, but sometimes he gets moody if he's not getting it. He's never been with a guy and claims he doesn't want to be, so how do I compromise without resenting him? And I can't talk to anyone about this because it's our bedroom secret. So I'm asking you, try sucking up and please then, even though it's not my thing. All right, well, I don't think that we should ever do anything that we're really not into. I think that we need to find out what our thing is. So, what is your thing?

I think we know what your partner thing is. And how do we get you to enjoy this? Well, you make sure that you're getting your needs met and kind of get into a deeper understanding of why your partner craves this. So, having a healthy conversation with your partner is so important, kind of like your fantasies, and maybe how your fantasies are compatible with this or how you need to find something a little bit different. It's okay if you're packing inside your thing. There's plenty of other forms of play that you can do with

your partner. There's plenty of other forms of play you can do with your partner. You can check out our yes-no-maybe list. It's a free downloadable guy in our site. That includes about 80 different sex acts. If you just need some fodder to kind of think about what would you really be into? But I don't think that we'd be concerned here that it means anything other than your partner is into exploring and wants to feel good. Now, let's get to your resentment here for a while. Resentment comes because we are not speaking our needs and we're not sharing what we actually want. Now, I also understand that maybe you don't know what you want and that's really, really common.

Sometimes it's easier for us to complain about our partners, really, and say, why are we doing this? And why do they want all these things actually? But believe me, we let you into figuring out, what do you want? What turned you on? What's your biggest fantasy, Shelley? And you started getting those needs met

then it might feel less like a chore and more like a mutually beneficial sexual relationship. Which is what I want for you and what I want for everybody. All right, Shelley, thanks for your question. This is from Brendan, 20 in Canada. Hey, Dr. Amli, I've been with my wife for 10 years this coming January and Mary for four.

I've always been very open about sex. My wife, however, is very quiet and less open about sex and talking about it. We've mentioned going to a sex store together, but yet to go, recently I became very open to exploring my body. I found out that I like to have my aunt's play with. I've asked my wife if she would pet me, but she's hesitant. I think because of how taboo it was for years. She uses her finger at the odd time, but whenever I ask her to try the strap on, she doesn't entertain the idea. I recently started talking about the idea when we using toys on her,

to which we need to buy a new vibrator. I suggested talking to her friend who we know that uses one, and I'm sure if she has yet. I'm just curious if you can give me tips or suggestions to help her ease her mind about it, and more interested in wanting to. I'm trying everything to help her feel comfortable with the idea. Congratulations on being together 10 years and I think this is an excellent time

to start to have really specific and more pointed questions about your sex life. So it sounds like there just might be a little misunderstanding, which is very, very common and why I'm doing the show. In fact, I highly recommend that you both listen to this show together. She might need to understand more about it. Why are you interested in this? How does it feel good to you? What does it actually look like?

What does she do to actually penetrate you? It just may be confusing. A lot of times we just say, you know, to things that are foreign and they are sort of challenged some of our, you know, ideas about what sex is. Like this topic, paging, is a little bit heavier. It's a little bit different than what most of us have ventured into, and I'm telling you, I heard from you guys on Instagram,

like 35% of you aren't sure what it is, or you're not interested in it, and that's more common than not. I'm gonna give your wife the benefit out here until she just doesn't have enough information. She seems to know more about it, so you can take some information from the show or get a listen together,

and I think that once she hears this, and you're able to talk to her in a more rational way, you know, she might feel more comfortable. I don't recommend having to talk in a sex store if you've never talked about it. And for my three T's of communication, timing, tone, and turf, turf, I always recommend outside the bedroom and a great place to have these conversations is in the car when you're driving alongside by side, maybe you're not making eye contact necessarily, but you're still in the car and it's private and that can be a great way to have these conversations.

So keep having these talks. You want to do a lot of listening and let's find out what feels good for her as well so you can both have your knees met because that's what I want for you and for everyone. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles

for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-8255739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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