Sex With Emily - Bisexuality & Polyamory w/ Boyslut Zachary Zane

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

Ever wondered if there’s more to your sexuality than you ever realized? Or relationship models that challenge everything you’re used to? Men’s Health and Cosmo sex columnist Zachary Zane has been there. As a self-proclaimed “boyslut,” he’s radically open about his journey as a bisexual, polyamorous man and tells all in his forthcoming book: BOYSLUT: A Memoir and Manifesto. He shares how he came to understand his attraction to all genders, his experience living in a polycule, why it’s healthy for all of us to get used to rejection, and how bisexuality for men is gaining more visibility. He also helps me answer your questions on exploring bisexuality while in a long-term relationship, how to respond if you’re in a hetero relationship and your partner tells you they’re bisexual, and how to find casual, no strings attached sex.Show Notes:Ask Emily: What is a Penis Ring and Why Should I Use It?The Sexiest Morning Routine EverPRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSMART SEX PRIZE PACK (submit your pre-order proof of purchase at the bottom of the page, be entered to win the prize pack and everyone that enters receives a copy of my new and improved Yes! No! Maybe? Guide)Promescent.com/Emily (use this link to automatically save 15% at checkout)Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto: Bookshop | AmazonMore Zachary Zane: Website | Instagram | Twitter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I went over to his place and I wasn't sure if this was going to be an orgy or something. I'm really pushing my ass while wearing a jock-shock underneath my thing, but also my journalist and trying to be professional. It was not an orgy. I know it's not work. You never know if it's personal or business, right? And so he's, so that's all of it, right? Yeah, I'm pushing, but I'm not in. I have to make it in our leather gear and we made out the whole night. You know, it's like, okay, so what is this? I'm pushing about it, I'm not making it in our leather gear and we made out the whole night. You know, it's like, okay, so what is this?

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Ever wondered if there's more to your sexuality than you ever realized or relationship models that challenge everything you're used to? Men's health and Cosmo sex columnist Zachary Zayn has been there. As a self-proclaimed boy slut, he's radically open about his journey as a bisexual, polyamorous man, and tells all in his forthcoming book, Boy Slaught, a memoir, and manifesto. He shares how he

came to understand his attraction to all genders, his experience living in a polycule, why it's healthy for all of us to get used to rejection and how bisexuality for men is gaining more visibility. He also helps me answer your questions on exploring bisexuality well in a long-term relationship, how to respond if you're in a HADER relationship and your partner tells you they're bisexual, what do you do with that, and how to find casual, no strings attached, sex. Intentions with Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you all to do the same.

My intention is to let you listen in on an individual who's taken the time to be sexually introspective and what they need to have an overall fulfilling sex life, whether you're bisexual, straight, queer, polyamorous, monogamous, or something in between, we can all learn from Zachary's self-study in understanding your authentic desires. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show. My new articles ask Emily, what is a penis ring and why should I use it?

And sexiest morning routine ever are up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com. slash ask Emily. I'll call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 557 39. Just include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show.

And you can totally change your name or choose your main anonymous. Before we get into the show, I want to tell you about something very exciting. If you haven't heard yet, I'm coming out with a book. It is called Smart Sex. How to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. It'll be out June 13th. And I would love if you'd all pre-order the book right now. It's sex-the-nly.com pre-ordering is a big deal in the book world and it's going to help get the book into as many hands as possible. You can also automatically when you pre order get my new and approved yes to maybe list and be entered to win the smart sex prize pack when you submit your proof of pre order at the link in our show notes. So check that out

pre order the book. I appreciate all of you. And lastly, this episode is brought to you by ProMessant, ProMessant Delay Spray, and it helps penis owners last up to 64% longer in bed. You just spray it on 10 to 50 minutes before play, it lasts up to an hour, which means your partner's orgasms will increase by 50%. That's amazing, especially with a vulva owner. And speaking of vulva owners, they also have a warming arousal gel. What's a arousal gel? What means the boost the blood flow to the clitoris for warming arousal gel. What's an arousal gel?

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Probescent.com slash Emily, that's promscant.com slash Emily for 15% off or just click the link in our show notes. Are there one? Enjoy this episode. Zachary Zayn is an author, columnist, veteran chief, and sex expert, most known for his weekly sex advice column, Sex Plainit, and Men's Help. He has provided insight on masculinity, non-monogamy, sexual confidence, and the LGBTQ plus community for publications like Playboy, Cosmopolitan, Vice, and The New York confidence, and the LGBTQ plus community for publications like Playboy, Cosmopolitan Vice, and The New York Times to name just a few.

His memoir, Boy Slept, comes out on May 9th. Congratulations on your book, I know it comes out just May 9th very soon. Yeah, very soon. How are you feeling about it? Exciting. Very excited now, I think, like, six months ago before I had received any feedback whatsoever, I was crying over it once a week.

Like, I was truly freaking out. Because it is so vulnerable and so personal, and it's writing, I think people assume that because I write about raunchy sex and I have this digital zine, which is like, has explicit graphic sex, that I'm like an open and vulnerable person but for me discussing sex or like raunchy sexual experiences isn't actually that vulnerable versus looking at my relationship with my family or the way that I handle rejection or all the ways that I accidentally treated my partners poorly in the past and reflecting on it like that's so much more vulnerable for me than writing about my hairy butthole or whatever I'm writing about. You know what I mean? So people kind of mistaken that my sexual openness with a vulnerability. And this book to me is like significantly more vulnerable than anything else I've ever written.

Yeah. Well, I think it's really, really brave. and I think it's so beautifully written and it's funny. How has your sexual journey shaped who you are today? It's a big question, but I think it's even influenced me more. Like, I've created a brand out of my sexuality. You know, my life, as is yours, is talking about sex and relationships. And I specifically focus in the realms of bisexuality, sexual fluidity, ethical nominee, and then also just like King positivity and BDSM.

But like the fact that I kind of almost created a career out of this was because I did not want to have to live a split life. Like the reason why I spoke about bisexual, I didn't want to have to ever come out in the workplace. I never wanted to have to lie about what I did this past weekend. I did not want to have to not be open to my colleagues that I have actually a boyfriend and a girlfriend

or whatever it is. So I really created a life for myself that allowed me to be so sexually open and so who I am because I did not want to have the split life. There's a question that came in and we get this question a lot. So I kind of want to start with that. I would love to get your help answering a lot of our listener questions. And I just think that really the way you talk about bisexuality

is just something that we really need, especially we hear that from men. And so this came in from Josh, 47 in Virginia. And he says, hi, Dr. Emily, I read and enjoyed your recent article about exploring bisexuality and he says, you said that most people who contacted you with that question were vulva owners. And he speculated, why I've been struggling

with the lack of male penis owner by representation. It seems like there's more acknowledgement of female bisexuality, but a lot of people don't think it exists in men. It definitely held me back even after dating by women, thanks. And so I feel like that really is your branded who you are truly authentically,

is that you are identified as bisexual. It hasn't been an easy journey, hasn't been accepted, but you kind of plowed through and really shown through your own vulnerability, your own experiences, what it is like being bisexual. But why is that? Can you talk about your own journey and kind of like help us here, help Josh here, help everyone?

The way that we perceive like male bisexuality versus female bisexuality is quite different and then non-binary bisexuality as well. But of course, there's this idea that if you're a man and you identify as bisexual, you're using it as a stepping stone on the way to be full-blown gay. And that is beginning to change.

I really like the amount of bisexual visibility we had like 12 years ago when I was struggling with my journey and Googling it versus what we have now is huge. So I do want to mention that we have come a lot further. There is more visibility now that there is before. But I still think there's this stigma and connotation associated with bisexuality and bisexual men in particular.

It's also, I think partly, like, the world is divided off and into gay and straight. You know, it's like there are gay clubs, there are straight clubs. And so for so long, I feel like if you were bisexual but skewed in terms of attraction towards men, you would be like, okay, I'm gay. And that would be the label. And if you were bisexual, but you know, predominantly attracted to women, you would kind of stay in the straight sphere. So people are honestly, because of the way the world was divided, had to pick a lane. And what's been interesting, as I write the sex and relationship advice column at men's health, called sex planet, is the number of readers who write in who are like, you should identify as gay men, and they're in their 40s and 50s. And they'll be like, so I think I'm by, you know, but when I was coming out 30 years ago, it wasn't a thing, you know, like,

you're just people didn't use the word the same way. You know, I when I was coming out 30 years ago, it wasn't a thing, you know, like, you're just people didn't use the word the same way. You know, I'm in an open relationship with my husband, but I feel like if I want to sleep with a woman, I feel like you'll like have a panic attack and freak out. So I'm seeing these men who've previously identified as gay being like, I'm actually another world is no longer as torn into gay and straight by sexuality is an option. I also think a lot of the stigma still lingering from HIV, specifically for men. There's this idea that, you know, bisexual men who were discreet are on the quote unquote

download, whether one's having and spreading HIV. And there is some data and research that supports that a little bit. But like, one thing that's really important to recognize is there's a difference between a closeted bisexual man and an open bisexual man. And when men who are open and embrace their sexuality are still honestly receiving some of the stigma as if someone who is closeted than lying about it, when that's actually not the case anymore. Also, some of just the connotations and stereotypes associated with bisexuals, you know, were greedy, were perverted, were incapable of being monogamous.

You know, in my case, I am greedy, perverted, and capable of being monogamous, but I think it's also perfect. You know, in that vein, though, it's also important to differentiate between stereotypes that are inherently bad and ones that are just like bad because we're stereotyping. There's nothing wrong with being slutty. Obviously, you don't assume that every bisexual you meet is slutty, but there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with being non-monogamous. And this was something I know I struggled with too, where I almost because there's such little bisexual visibility, I almost wanted to paint the bisexual brand like, perfor-depicked it perfectly, being like, I'm monogamous and I only

want sex with my partner and I never miss, monogamous and I only want sex with my partner and I never miss, you know, when I'm having sex with a low-neighb of sex with me, but that's not true. And I think what's important is being honest about that and communicative and open about it. Like, I know I will never be satisfied with just one partner of one gender. So I date non monogamous people. I'm very open about being polyamorous and trying to achieve that. There's nothing wrong with that. I love that you're so opening up to things that your book really gives people permission to explore because it's not wrapped up in a nice tight little bow, right? You're like, this is who I am. This is what I've experienced. And I love that you also take people on the journey through your own sexual history from like a young age, realizing who you were attracted to and kind of that your parents were even permissive and a lot of your book too is about unpacking

shame. So maybe we could talk about that too about how you've worked through shame in understanding, you know, your own sexuality. One of the best ways I was able to overcome sexual shame and what I talk about so much in the book is through finding my community, which is through finding my people, finding my chosen family which is through finding my people, finding my chosen family. I, especially being bisexual and feeling like for years, I was the only male bisexual in the planet,

which of course is absolutely ridiculous, but there wasn't much male bisexual visibility in media and in the people I met and the guys who I knew in college who came out as by, then would come out as gay shortly after. So everyone I actually knew used to as a stepping stone. And so I felt so alone. I felt so isolated.

I felt so confused. I felt like I was not part of the community. I felt like when I was with my gay friends and I kind of brought up women I was dating. I would receive side eye and I feel like they were my people. I also felt like I was closeted to confused when I was hanging out with straight people. And what really changed for me is finding a kinky bisexual, polyamorous family and this community and this chosen family that embraces me for all of me. And I don't feel like I'm hiding.

And that, you know, especially queer people, we really often talk about chosen family and it really is so important. And I feel like it's honestly become this like buzz word and I don't want it to mean that, but like for me until I felt like there were others like me, people who were accepting and braced all of me, I wouldn't have been able to get over my sexual shame. The interesting thing that you say too is that it's not even you, lots of times you point to religion, right? People would go up in a religious background, and it's because they,

you know, grew up that it was wrong, or they were going to go blind, or all these things were terrible, but you actually grew up in a very open home. One of your, like, great quotes here from your book, was that, like, you, you didn't grow up in a homophobic sex negative household, you go up in a very liberal, queer, affirming household, and you were still at shame. But you didn't even have in a homophobic sex negative household. You grew up in a very liberal queer affirming household, and you were still at shame. But you didn't even have the messages from society. It was open, but you...

A lot of us are still plagued with shame, right? It was still... I still had the messages from society, but just not for my parents. And I think that was something that was important for me, because a lot of the books that are out, it's often, especially like queer memoirs, it's very much like this little gay boy from the south who gets kicked out of his family for being religious and then moves to New York City, finds his chosen family, and like his trauma is valid and important, but like as someone who didn't experience all

of that, I almost felt like guilty, or I was like, wait, why do I have so much sexual shame when I have no reason to. And one of the things I wanted to, to picked in this book is that like, even if you grow up in this queer affirming sex-positive household, sexual shame is so pervasive and it is so insidious. So even though I had great parents,

I'd that still didn't combat, you know, what I learned from my teachers, my friends, peers, culture, the media, everything I was reading. And so what I was trying to say was like, no matter who you are, you do have sexual shame and it is valid and maybe just because you didn't get kicked out of your house or experience some like sexual trauma or shaming, you still very likely have sexual shame. That's something that you need to unpack and still work through. I'd love the chapter when you talk about

the typical questions you get asked as being a bisexual individual. Can you share some of those and how you respond? Because those are the questions you ask. I know there's so many of them. Is it a stopover? What's the difference she's not being sex with a man and a woman like what?

People just, there's a lot of questions. They need you. There's a lot of questions. And I think one of the things I was trying to express in this is like something where intent does go a long way. Obviously, you know, you can be good-intended and still cause harm. And I'm not necessarily discussing that. But they're the people who are asking me about my bisexuality, especially gay and straight people who are doing so because they almost take this like perversically and try to be like you, someone who proudly identifies as bisexual, actually is not bisexual. And let me get you in a goddamn moment where I'm like, what you? Why are you getting so much joy from this? Why do you care? And those people, I don't engage with

the same way as then the people who are asking me questions because they themselves Might be bisexual and might be a little confused and those people I will go above and beyond and kind of share a little bit about my experience and the hopes of In the hopes of helping them, but let me go through. Yeah, one of them is like isn't everyone a little bisexual is one or I feel like bisexual These very hip right now. Yeah, it's isn't everyone a little bisexual. And I feel like that can be asked in a couple of ways. It can be like, first of all, gain straight people who are completely gain straight. Don't think everyone is a little bit bisexual. So if you're asking, isn't everyone a little bit bisexual?

No, but you might be a little bit bisexual, but also it's a way to diminish your identity, right? Because oh, you're coming out of something that's important and serious to you as bisexual, and then let's say your parents or your friend responses, well, isn't everybody that's taking away from your moment, that's taking away from what you're expressing yourselves with. So it is a way to kind of diminish your identity

in a way that I don't think is cool. One question I get a lot is, are you equally attracted to men and women? I don't think is cool. One question I get a lot is, are you equally attracted to men and women? I don't love this question because first and foremost it excludes non-binary people. So I feel like the better way to ask this is, are you equally attracted to all genders? And attraction is so hard to parse out and quantify. Like at times I'm more attracted to men and women and then if I start sleeping and dating with a lot of men, I miss women, and if I start sleeping with women, I miss

trans and non-binary people, then I go back to men. There's so many things that go into attraction that's difficult to answer that, and really what matters is not am I typically more attracted to men and women, it's am I I attracted to you. Like, can we have this relationship? Let's say I'm someone who, actually, I'll give you an example of a friend of mine. And she, essentially, she's queer and identifies as queer and she's married to a woman and she goes, like, this has been pretty much the only woman I've ever loved.

But like, and before, only one of my friends had sex with, and she's like, I'm bisexual and prefer to date, and I thought I was gonna marry a man, but I fell in love with this woman. And at this point, because they're monogamous, why does it matter if she's predominantly attracted to other, or predominantly attracted to men, because she has chosen a life and she's very happy in a life

where she's monogamously married to a woman. So there's nothing to really glean from answering that question or really like exploring yet. And of course, attractions change over time, who you may be, find yourself more attractive now, might change six months from now or ten years from now. So, Tril. So, what do you think is the most important thing for people who are thinking that they might be bisexual?

Like, how would they know? What would be the first step? One thing I kind of encourage is, and it may sound ironic because I'm someone where the bisexual label has brought me so much joy and clarity and makes me feel so a part of this community. But that wasn't necessarily, that wasn't always the case. And I think one thing I'd wished is I allowed myself to explore without trying to immediately label myself because I'd be like, say,

picking up with a man for the first time. And I'd be like, well, is this make me gay or straight or bisexual and just like over analyzing it in my head? And to the point that I couldn't even enjoy the experience, I couldn't be present in the experience because I was so wrapped up as to what my identity is. So if you're able to explore without feeling the need to label yourself and remembering that, you know, I give the example of my brother and this, who all of us were very effeminate growing up and there was always gay rumors about us and my older brothers are strafed. I'm the one who's not,

but he goes, you know, like I explored with a couple guys just because everyone always assumed we were gay and we were open-minded and realized that wasn't for me. And that makes them a hundred percent straight. Just because you've explored with men doesn't in any way make you any less straight. So you're able to explore with men, figure out if you like it or not. And you know, for me, I took me a lot of exploring with men to get there because I had so much shame and so much confusion. But I do think there's something to be said of,

you know, some of the poor new watch, I think is honestly a decent indicator of your attraction. Again, it's not 100%, but like if you find yourself gravitating towards gay or porn, or if you find yourself repeatedly going back to it. And I think that was the big thing for me, whereas actually my brother who helped me realize I was by when he said, I kind of saved the first part of that conversation. The second part was him being like, Zach, you've been experimenting with men for six years. At some point, that's not exploring or experimenting.

At some point, that's a stable orientation. He's like, so that's why he was explaining how he experimented. He's like, yeah, I tried it for a month. It wasn't for me, but like, in that, as much as I was able to kind of rationalize all of my same sex behaviors and still call myself straight, I really couldn't rationalize that. It's like, it had been six years, and countless men, that's not really straight. And like, what else can I say about that?

So I think sometimes time will tell, and if you can somehow breathe and relax and not feel the need to clarify immediately what you are, you'll be able to actually embrace the moment and then get a better sense of what your attractions are and how you want to identify. What for you is great sex these days? I think great sex honestly comes from a place of, you know, when you have shame, obviously you can't was great sex these days? I think great sex honestly comes from a place

of when you have shame, obviously you can't have great sex. I think, oh, actually, well that's not true. Sometimes there is some elements of shame that can be very hot, but we're not talking about that at the moment, not eroticizing or fetishizing shame. I'm just talking about general shame.

The real shame. But I think for me, I'm in a place where, and what makes sex good for me is just able to so clearly express what my desires are and creating a safe space that they feel comfortable expressing what they're into as well. And I think being me and being as out and public and slutty as I am, people feel so comfortable. I'm sure with you two like telling me every single one of them in the section, everything in a way. So automatically I kind of created this dynamic,

but I think the best part of the sex I've now is just essentially I'm doing what I want. And the more empowered I feel, the more that I enjoy sex, I've noticed that the more that my impartors also enjoy sex, I'm lessing my head because we communicated beforehand what their boundaries are, what they're into, what they're not into. I'm not worried about, oh, are they liking this? I know they'll like it. So I think a lot of it is that safety and

vulnerability of knowing that like, oh, I know that they like this. We discuss this. We have this. I'm doing the crazy kink that turns them on. Again, like I've noticed the more I enjoy, the more my partners do. And again, this is not advice I would give to everyone. I, of course, it's different. But a lot of my friends, I'm like, I want you to be more selfish. Now, I'm not saying this to the fuck boy

who comes within 30 seconds and doesn't give a fuck about her pleasure. No, that guy needs to be significantly less selfish. But a lot of my friends who I can tell, you know, the way they talk about it, it's like they're so focused on the other person's pleasure. They're so worried that the other person is or is not getting off.

And I'm like, honestly, like, what if they're doing the same thing for you than both of you, neither of you are having pleasure and you're both focusing on each other's pleasure. And it's like being allowed to enjoy it and embrace it, of course, check in, but sometimes with these friends, I'm like, I want you to be more selfish.

I want you to say, what it is that you can do, or what they can do for you, and I want you to enjoy it as well. So allowing yourself to be selfish, in a way. Would you mind, then, Zach, I would love you to give me some examples, and it doesn't have to be like, you could change the names, and you could change some of the details, but like,

I feel like you are in such a healthy place through sexuality. You've done so much work and if anybody reads your book, you could see that if you just give people permission to like, it all goes and it's all okay in a way that's really, really like beautiful and life-affirming. And maybe you could give an example of maybe a negotiation that you've been through in recent years and in sexual, like maybe you just met somebody. How did you figure out what you were both into and that you were equally giving and receiving, like are there any stories you could tell us about how that goes down? Like I'm always suggesting, you know, if you're getting naked with someone, like you started talking about sex. You're so in it like, how, what does that look like that negotiation?

I mean, there's a way to ask it and a way that's fun and not just going over a checklist, right? Although I definitely have some partners who are like quickly boundaries and tensions as I as we're like rapidly getting undressed and they're like I'm into XYZ, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, into XYZ, blah, blah, blah, I'm going to XYZ, let's fucking go. I understand probably not the most normal thing to do and that's also someone who's sex positive, knows exactly the language to use. But I always just like to ask, what really turns you on? It's such a simple and easy question.

And from that, it really shows like, the eventually, sometimes it takes a little bit more tooth polling than ideal and not just because some people are not comfortable. Expressing it, some people are so new to it. Honestly, I don't run into that as much anymore because the people I date and meet are all part of this bisexual polyamorous, kinky scenes are all very comfortable. But with that, you know, if I know they are nervous,

I kind of slow down a lot and being like, Hey, what? Because especially if you're like, Oh, I'm not sure whatever you want to do is fine. I'm like, I don't know. True that is, you know, and then I get you can always give examples. Would you like getting eaten out? Do you want to do like going down? What type of head do you like receiving and just like kind of making it a little bit easier for them to just say like, Oh, yes, I like this. I don't like this. But I think it's making it a little bit easier for them to just say, oh, yes, I like this, I don't like this. But I think it's one of those things

where if you're not uncomfortable or awkward about it, your partner won't be. And I think because I can approach this from a place of just like, I smile, I ask, I let them in the eyes, hey, what really turns you on? And I don't, like they feel very comfortable and empowered to express this. But unfortunately, if you're, like, awkward or uncomfortable about it, often that will create a vibe, and they'll be awkward and uncomfortable about it. Is there a way that you vet partners, or you give people tips to, like,

how do you find someone who's going to be sexually open about sex? Like, who's going to be open to have these conversations? And that waiting till it's too late. Cause I think it's still not commonplace. I mean, again, in like reading boy slot, people read this, I feel like you, I feel like it gets you like, oh, God, well, if you can do that, I could talk about what we're not there yet. Like most people are not sharing this stuff. You can't always know. And I think that's the process of dating. You know what I mean? Sometimes you go on a date and I'm, I might take two dates and then you realize you are sexually incompatible. And that's just kind of a nature of dating. You know what I mean? Sometimes you go on a date and I might take two dates and then you realize you are sexually incompatible and that's just kind of a nature of dating. That's one

aspect you weren't compatible. There could have been another aspect. Of course, we try to avoid that, but it is a delicate balance to walk. You don't want to be overly aggressive and sexual and assume, okay, we've just had one date, what do you into sexually? If you say that on a first date, it's very presumptuous. We're being like, oh, you assume you're gonna fuck me? And it's like, well, no, no, no, I actually just wanna know. Right, quick. Quick, tricky. So there is no kind of magic bullet answer.

I think if sex is something that's important to you, which is for a lot of us, I think, using potentially apps, which kind of prioritizes or focus that, where you have apps like, you know, Field is a more polyamorous app, but it also people will list their sexual kinks on it. If you are a particularly kinky person and kink is a really core part of your identity, you should be looking for partners on fet life. I'm also used to gay and bi- by male culture and we are so explicit partly because we have to be because if I go home with a guy and he's an exclusive bottom and I'm an exclusive top, I'm not an exclusive top, I'm averse for the record, just think I'm not going to

say an interest in. But like, do you go home and then what the fuck are you going to do if you're both bottoms? You know what I mean? So like, it was a matter of almost necessity to be like, oh, my sexual preference is I only bought him and I'm looking for people who top So we became more comfortable just Expressing what it is that we wanted because we literally have to and then we have hook-up apps as opposed to dating apps And even tenders not like grinder or in any way shape or form where we just say it so bluntly Like hey, I'm looking for a daddy who does XYZ. But, you know, I didn't exactly answer your question.

I think it's because I think you have to feel it out. I think there are certain apps you can explicitly state what you're into sexually, but that's also going to attract some creepy guys. If you say I'm more of a sub who likes XYZ, then you're going to have people who specifically are looking for sex with you and those guys who claim their dumb so they're not they know nothing about it I think it's trial and error seeing when it feels right to open up and Unfortunately, sometimes you might miss the mark sometimes you go on a couple dates realize you're not sexually compatible and Hopefully you figure it out after two dates and not after six months and give yourself permission to that

That's okay like part of the process is dating people that aren't necessarily sexually compatible and that's okay and the learning from those situations. I love that you also talk about rejection. You've a whole chapter on rejection and it's definitely so much more prevalent right now with a lot of the apps, but can you talk about experiencing rejection, how we can move through rejection and like how come it's healthy for us

to have a little bit of both? It's so tough because so much of getting better I think at rejecting people and being rejected yourself is age. Unfortunately, I just feel like when you're 19, 20 and it's almost like your sample size isn't as large and it feels like the world is ending because you'll get rejected. And especially when you have this idea of you're looking for this like one person and you have all this pressure on yourself That what you take the rejection even harder because you feel like a failure because you're trying to find this person who's gonna be your one man Or your monogamous partner or wife or whatever, but I think a lot of the ways I've been able to kind of handle rejection better is

number one, having again, this community and this friendship. I feel like if you don't honestly have friends or people who gas you up the same way and all of your self-worth is in your romantic relationships and all of your validation comes to your romantic or sexual relationships, you're going to take rejection a lot more painful in versus if you have, you know, friends who validate you who make you feel accepted and loved and welcome to your family too, even though yes, that's not romantic except and still having that kind of safety net is super helpful. And it's a weird thing is over time, you kind of realize that nothing changes.

And I'm not trying to diminish how painful heartbreak can be. And I kind of go into how like Neurophysiologically and actually is very similar like how we experience pain physically is Like similar things firing your brain to actually like emotional rejection So such a good point though for people to realize it like literally you feel like you are in physical pain with someone reject you So of course we avoid it right, but we're're not, let me move through it, but. And like, I wake up the next day and I'm still me. Yeah, I got rejected, it doesn't matter.

And if you can learn, again, it's like, one of those things my therapist always says is, it's like, you know something, but do you know it in your body? And this is one of those things where it's like, you know that of course, there are million fish in the sea, you're not everyone's cup of tea,

some people aren't going to like you. Also, they have their own bullshit going on and might have nothing to do with you. And while you know that, you don't know it and feel it in your body. But I do think over time, it just gets better, but I think in terms of practicing, it's, I don't know. It's tough.

I wish I had an answer. No, I do do. I love that you talk about it because I feel like it's first to realize that that's part of it. And if that's what's keeping people from dating and putting themselves out there, I think you have a great perspective on it. And I also love your chapter on therapy because I don't think I go a day without telling

somebody the importance of therapy. And you basically give people a list of principles to follow. He says, they can't find a good therapist, which I love or can't afford one. So what are the important things first off? What have you learned about yourself in therapy, particularly when it comes to sex and relationships? I think they should just get your book boy slut to read about it, because I just love that you bigot so granular for people, but what are the most important things that you've learned in therapy, especially when it comes to sex? important things that you've learned in therapy, especially when it comes to sex. I'm looking at this chapter and I want to pick, let's see, what am I f... Oh, I think with regards to sex specifically, with regards to sex specifically, this is the first one

on the list, which is figure out what you want and ask for it kindly. It seems so simple, but I think a lot of the times people don't know what they want, and so you have to explore and figure that out. And then people are too afraid to ask what they want, because again, they fear that rejection. They fear they're going to be labeled a pervert or disgusting or sludgy or loose or whatever it is. But if you can get over that fear of rejection,

and if, again, ask people kindly, and a part of asking people kindly is gracefully accepting their know, and a gracefully accepting rejection, if it's something where you're not sexually compatible, you do not try to coerce them, or manipulate them, or do anything like that. You say, okay, great, thanks for letting me know.

And then moving on to find someone you are more sexually compatible with. But yeah, for people who are still exploring and new to this, it's try many different things, see what you like, and then learn the best way to ask for what it is that you want. It's simple. Don't go away, because when we're back,

Zach helps me answer more of your questions around jealousy and exploring your sexuality later in life. Okay, let's get into your non-monogamy journey because I think that we are here so much more about non-monogamy right now. It's becoming a little bit more accepted, but how did this start for you? And tell me what your take on non-monogamy is right now. How do we manage this? Yeah, sure.

It almost seems like everyone in their mother is now non-monogamous. And I just got a new non-monogamy column, actually a cosmo. Congratulations. You're doing so many cool things right now. That's it. Thank you.

I'm trying. Yeah, love it. So I've been non-monogamous for about a decade now and So before everyone other mother was a little hair flip. No, that doesn't matter me, but it's me looking at all the mistakes I made in my non-monogamous journey and what I learned from it and the way I got this Column with Cosmo and what I pitched to them as I go right now for all the non-monogamous content There is right now. It's all very 101 and introductory. Nearly everything is about how to open up your relationship or how to navigate jealousy.

There are still 10 billion issues within a non-monogamous relationship. When you're in it, I don't have jealousy with my partner. We still struggle with a million other things and those things are not being addressed. So looking at the other things beyond jealousy, beyond like time management, for people who have been non-minogamous for six months, a year, two years, being like, okay, so what are actually their needs in me speaking to them? But let me show a little bit about how I got into my non-minogamous journey. And it was actually the wrong reasons, as it was.

But I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I was already out as bisexual. She was bisexual. And after we were binogamous for a year and once we broke up, I was already out as bisexual, she was bisexual, and after we were binogamous for a year and once we broke up, I was excited to start hooking up with men again. I was not in a place to date, and I made that clear to the men that I would like see repeatedly be like, I just broke up, I'm not trying to date. And two of the guys I was are trying to be monogamous with another boyfriend, but two of the guys I was seeing both asked me to be monogamous, and the second one was like brought to tears, very angry

at me. And I felt bad for him, but I also was kind of pissed. I was like, I was so clear about my intentions from the beginning, about everything I could offer, and what gives? Like, you were trying to change me when I was so clear from the get go so I decided you know what I'm not going to date anyone I'm just gonna do grinder hookups that go be in and out of my apartment in a minute flat. I will not validate parking Like like that that's what it is and I was actually happy

You know, I think this is idea that if you're having a lot of casual sex you're not but either place I didn't want to date I like sex is a way I get to meet new people and experience pleasure, so I was very happy and I knew once I was ready to start dating again I would. What happened was I met this man at an underground basement at Jocks Cabaret in Boston and I was there with a couple who I slept with and they're like, Zach, you must meet this man,

he's also bisexual. And so I go over to meet him and it's so awkward because he's like, oh, I'm by, you're by two. And like, Zach, you must meet this man. He's also bisexual. And so I go over to meet him. And it's so awkward because he's like, oh, I'm by, you're by two. And like, you don't introduce straight people because they're straight. Even though every, while meaning mother likes to introduce their gay son to every gay person they've met,

like, the mother probably shouldn't be doing that as well. But I learned there that he introduced me to his boyfriend and he told me that he had a wife and girlfriend who he lived with at home. And so I pause and I think and I go, are you happy? And he goes, what? I go, are you happy with this relationship dynamic? Any pauses, any things about it?

And he goes, yeah, I really am. And I just started writing at this point and I was like, hey, you know, I write for gay sites. I feel like Pauli Amry Soam is understood and underrepresented. I'd love to Meet you and your Pauli Kuhl and everyone and potentially do an interview on you But I learned later he was very impressed with my response because most people here Oh, you're probably oh, you have a boyfriend. They're like, oh my god. How do you knock at jealous? How do you deal with Your time management?

And I think I was the first person to kind of ask him like, are you happy? Is this worth it? Because I know this is a lot of work and is it worth the work? So I went over to his place and I'm not sure if this was going to be an orgy or something. I'm like, do you sing my ass hole? I'm going to jog chat underneath my thing, but also my journalist and trying to be professional. It was not an orgy. I know it's not work. You never know if it's personal or business, right? And it's always, sometimes sometimes all of it, right? Yeah, I'm pushing. I mean, I'm not making it in our leather gear.

And we made out the whole night. You know, it's like, okay, so what is this? But I actually remember thinking I did not want to be polyamorous after this. I remember seeing how it felt like if one partner got a kiss, the other one partner got a kiss. And other one partner got a kiss, and the way they did their polyamory was everything needed to be very equal. I remember seeing this and being like,

this just seems like a lot of work. And behind closed doors, there's a lot of communication, a lot of tears. I don't know, this doesn't seem like this happy family that they're projecting. I can tell there's a lot underneath, and I don't want, I someone who was trying to avoid work and void serious relationships like this and see

right. But I hung out with them because they were super nerdy and geeky as all polyamorous people are. We played our board games and they invited me to sex parties. And then the man who had a boyfriend, a wife and a girlfriend eventually asked me out on a date after like two, three months of hanging out. And I was actually, again, not in my dating phase, but I said yes because I thought things couldn't get serious. I thought the man as a boyfriend, a wife, a girlfriend, other secondary areas or cheerleaders, the little owners time to breathe versus date someone seriously. And so I agreed and that's not why one should agree to go on a date with a polyamorous person.

You do polyamory because you want more love, not because you want less love, right? But I agreed to do this of the date went well and before I knew it, I was seeing him a couple times a week, then three times a week, and then he and his boyfriend ended up breaking up and ended up moving in, like four months into dating, he asked me to move in with him and his wife because the girlfriend was moving out and I was like at first I was like I laughed I literally laughed and he was like why you laugh I can tell he was hurt and I was like oh you were oh no this is insane I don't want to do like how would this work and like I this fear that you know I fall in love with this man and then you know

The wife gets a job elsewhere and then he has to go because it's his wife and then what I'm left just crying in this I just was so afraid but then I was like, okay Well, I'll talk to your wife about this first see see what she thinks and then I'll get back to you and Every quam or worry that I had, they were able to address. When I was like, like, you know, I was like, okay, I had a list of a million questions about,

like how is this gonna work? Like, what happens if you guys invite someone over for sex? Like, it's weird in the beginning, but if it's uncomfortable, I'm happy to have sex. I'll serve with someone else. I'm like, so I have to leave the house if I'm gonna have sex. Like, no, no, it's whatever you feel comfortable.

Like, pretty much no matter what I said, they handled it beautifully. And the answer was always communication. Right. And so I was like, if you're feeling uncomfortable, just express it. If you're jealous, just express it. We can work through this. We love each other. I love you for him. And I really expected that I'd be able to kind of poke holes in their answers.

And then when I couldn't, I was like, oh, shit. I can't logically figure out a way to not do this. I guess I'm moving in with my boyfriend and his wife. And I was 25 at the time. And very much like the general sentiment of Yolo was in the air. And I was like, you know what, I would like to experience this. I know it's not going to be, or it's probably not going to be forever. And that's okay. This will be a year of my life. And it really was one of the best years of my life that I've ever had. It was the healthiest living arrangements

that I've ever had. And I'm really happy, I kind of went for it. What'd you learn? I learned how to communicate. I think like you just can't not with polyamory. I also learned the style of communication that I like. And he was very good where I've had partners in the past where if I kind of try to express something and ends up boiling up into a huge

argument in a way where I'm like, or they kind of go and are quick to pull out like trauma cards where they're like, well you don't, I'm like, oh, oh, Jesus. And now I can't say anything. And then I became so afraid of addressing issues. And I've had partners where I'm like, I'm afraid to answer the phone because I don't know what it is. It's gonna be about today.

And I'm kind of losing my mind a little bit. I wanna support you, but I feel like I'm walking around at eggshells. This isn't helpful for me. This isn't helpful for you. How are you experiencing this? But he was the first relationship I was in where like I just felt I could say something.

I was brutally honest to him in a way that I hadn't been with other partners and it was because of the way that he responded to it. He did not take it personally. He wouldn't lash out. He would admit when he was wrong. The way I admitted when I was wrong. So being able to address issues

more calmly and not having fear about confrontation. And again, this has nothing to do actually with being polyamorous, which is what's his personality type. But from that, I'm like, okay, this is what I should look for in a partner. Were you sexual with the wife too? So I was not. How did that work? Is that okay? So it was also good that she had another girlfriend who ended up like moving in, but I said some point two. That was a good time. It was a good time.

This is also in Somerville, Massachusetts, which is like the one city, it's right next to Cambridge and Boston, but it's like, I think the one city in the US to have like legalized like multi-person relationships. In a way, I think the one city in the US to have legalized multi-person relationships. In a way, I don't know how it works on a federal level. I don't have any fault taxes, but I think it's for just showing their support for Polyamory.

But some of them are very polyamory. I love it. But I think we all would hang out together. We'd have family dinner. We'd play games, but we just weren't sexually intimate. And the way it worked is we each had our own bedroom. So it's three bedrooms, and I'd say six days of the week I was spending them with him, or five days in the maybe one week he'd spend with his one night he'd spend with his wife, one night we just all might spend

a little bit differently, I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I have an early day at work, I don't want you rustling around in bed, and then also if someone came and slept over, then we had like a spare guest room. But I think it kind of worked out because his wife also had another serious girlfriend. So like it wasn't, I think if it was just me and she was planning after the attention for her husband, that could be a lot more challenging.

But it's like as he was experiencing NRE with me, she was experiencing NRE with me, she was experiencing NRE with her new girlfriend, and so it kind of worked out fine, and then all of us would play games together. You know, we have this big, happy family. Oh my God. It sounds like, I mean, it's communication. At the end of the day, I feel like people in open relationships are probably emery, spend

more time communicating than actually having sex, which can make the sex less complicated, too. Because people assume that you're having, yeah, they think you're having sex like all the time to have a good sex yeah what do you think? I know are sorely disappointed when they realize so much of it is about sharing your Google calendar and it's a complete question. So I was gonna be out and fucking everyone and they're like oh turns out I'm not sharing that much sex since a lot more work um but again it it's, I don't know, and this is maybe a controversial thing to say, but I have a lot of friends

now in the poly spaces, who I feel I don't want to date keep. But I do sometimes question like, why do you want to be non-monogamous? Like, why are you polyamorous? And I have these friends who just like every step of the way, it is so painful for them. And they're trying to force comparison. They're trying to be happy when their partner goes out on a date with someone else,

but they're home freaking out texting me waiting for their partner to come back. And they're getting jealous. And I'm like, what? Again, why are you doing this? I feel like in their mind, it makes them more emotionally mature. Or they think, oh, I've overcome my insecurities or I'm more more evolved. I'm like there's nothing wrong with being monogamous, enjoying being monogamous, obviously work through your insecurities and jealousy. But I sometimes ask them like why do you want to be polyamorous? And if they can't really answer that question, it's almost feel like some people,

it's just not for everyone and that's totally okay. But a lot of people I'm seeing are forcing it right now and I don't think that's Helpful. It's I just love what I love that all the talk about in nominatve which is what you do in your book And what we're seeing more and more of is that it just gives you more permission because monogamy isn't for everybody So it gives them permission to see how it can actually work, but I Think that people can overcome jealousy to if they want to or manage their jealousy I don't know that you overcome it, what do you think? It's tough because a part of me is like,

if you're monogamous and you don't have to work on your jealousy because your partner is someone who just like does not cheat, does not flirt, it's like, okay, that does work. You've put yourself in a situation where you're not really going to be jealous. And that's okay, but then another part of me is like, well, you're not dealing with the issues straight on. You're kind of avoiding it,

but you're happy doing what you're doing. So a part of me is like live and let live. I'm not sure. Well, I actually have a question here that kind of addresses some of this stuff here. This is from Abby, 24 Michigan. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love it. So, into your podcast,

it's helped me be more open-minded sexually. I've been married for three years and been with my husband for over five now. Before we were even thinking of getting engaged, he told me he may have thought he was bisexual. He said he didn't really feel the need to explore the side of him since he was with me, and I was fine. It didn't bother me. Well, it didn't come up again until recently, if I'm being honest, I kind of forgot, so she blocked it.

But he told some LGBTQ plus friends. He thought he was bisexual. She said, I'm totally fine. He told our friends and I'm really happy. He felt safe to tell him that my problem is my own insecurity. Since the first time he mentions bisexuality, I have known five, the five people to leave marriages or long term relationships, do you know their sexuality?

And her examples are it started with the partner saying they were bisexual and then shortly after realizing they were actually gay, my husband loves me, he's committed to me and I believe him, but I'm freaked out in all caps. I won't be good enough, I want to explore something with a man, I don't feel I'm open to an open relationship either, so that doesn't feel like a solution. I love him and I married him because I want to be with him forever. How do I work through my own securities? Thanks. Can't wait to hear your answer.

I think, first of all, those feelings are normal, right? I feel like especially when you've heard horror stories of men coming out of his buy and then leaving their wives or coming out of his gay shortly after, it's going to be very challenging even though you love and trust your husband to not get a little bit anxious. And I think one thing to potentially ask him is, what does this mean for us? Why are you telling me that you are bisexual? Is it because, hey, I want to share everything with my wife and I love her and I want to embrace this aspect of who I am, I want you to love me for who I am and not feel like I'm hiding, and maybe I want to watch RuPaul's Drag Race and I want to comment on how hot these guys are

together. Or is he saying this because he wants to explore? Because he wants to open up the relationship. And the truth of the matter is he might want to. And I know that's not going to make you feel better. But like a lot of men when they realize they are bisexual and women too when they realize they are bisexual do want to explore and it might, I know this is depressing, it might end up with you amably breaking up because he needs to explore the side of his identity. But what you can do in the meantime is just ask, is literally asking being like, hey, I'm worried, I know you say you love me, but you've been coming out. I want to support you. And I know this. I'm not someone who really

can see myself in an open relationship, but I'm worried that eventually you'll want to open up or you'll feel this need to connect with a man. What are you feeling? And please be honest with me, because his gut response might be to lie and to be not like negatively, which is like, oh, no, no, honey, it's you. It's always you. But like giving him the space to be honest about it. But like, unfortunately, you're going to have to live with some of this insecurity and ambiguity for the time being, which I know is terrible. But I think just having repeat conversations with them about what this means, how he's

feeling. I can give the example of what my first girlfriend when I came out after his buy and I was actually very jealous. And then I can answer how to get over your jealousy in a moment and work through it. But I was actually extremely jealous and she was not, we were both by and our agreement essentially was she was like eventually at some point I'd like to open up this relationship. Not yet and probably every three months we would just check in being like, hey, she'd be like, how much do you miss sleeping with guys? Like I be like, I miss it, but not enough to open up our relationship.

Ask her, how much do you miss sleeping with woman? I miss it, but not enough to open up this can of worms. I'm like, okay, let's reassess in three months. And we did that, and eventually we broke up after about a year before we ever reached that point. We were kind of waiting across that bridge when it comes, and I think that might be something you're going to have to do. And I know that that's not the certainty that you want from this, but that is the reality

of it. Moving on to answer a question about jealousy, I think one thing that's important is jealousy in and of itself is not a bad emotion. It is a neutral emotion and it's usually trying to tell you something. So I'm feeling jealous because I am afraid that this person is going to leave me for another person. Okay, so I need to work on my abandonment issues or I need to seek more reassurance from my partner. And also sometimes you're being jealous because your partner is being an asshole and

that's also valid too. You know what I mean? It's not always you, but if you can get to the root of your jealousy, is it because I've put on a lot of weight recently, and my partner started dating someone who has my old body type, and this is really triggering me, making me feel insecure that he no longer loves me, and really, whatever, getting to the root of what this jealousy is trying to tell you, and then tackling at the root, and again,

just being honest about it, there's nothing wrong with feeling wanting some reassurance from your partner. But when we feel, when we lash out and get angry because we're jealous, are we blame our partner, are we go inward and we're sad and we think that we're this terrible person or this insecure person for being jealous,

that's what becomes an issue. But jealousy is just like any other emotion. I think really just getting to the root of it can really help you tackle tackle why you're feeling jealous and respond to it and have your partner help you with your jealousy. I love that. Jealousy is it's so true that jealousy can be such a great learning tool too because usually if you look at where jealous or where envy of it's telling us kind of what we want to. It's kind of telling us it's more about ourselves in many ways too or it or about

it's our reaction to something. So yeah, maybe if it's about, just whatever, even in life, if you experience jealousy towards a person or envy, usually it's a message for ourselves. Is that necessary about what someone's doing to you? It's about our own relationship. Now, this someone could be an asshole to you

and they're showing you signs that maybe there are signs that there's cheating or whatever, but that's still something that you need to get into with the person and talk to them about it. But a lot of times, our jealousy, if the person's not being an asshole, or they're just you're in a relationship, it's about us. It really, it's our own work we have to do and communicate for sure. The other thing I want to say going back to Abby really quickly, who are married friend with the husband is what I just to sum that up. I love that you said that to get a healthy way of saying that she doesn't have to solve it all now, but to continue it, maybe it's every three months. Because I think that couples have these conversations once and then they never go back to it. Are

they like, I think I said that part of it. You gotta keep revisiting it. Maybe it's once a month. You have a set schedule where you are addressing these situations right now, addressing it with your partner all the time. I like having couples having a once a week of check-in, like having that they're like, we're gonna talk for 10 minutes a week on the state of our relationship. I know people at Open Relationships probably do that more, but I think that we all...

It's so helpful to avoid things boiling up and bubbling over or just spiraling in your own head and getting so anxious that by the time you've actually addressed the partner Like because there's something that was probably a miscommunication has then like exploded in your mind You're like how do we get here? I know those those check-ins. I feel like are so helpful and I try to do them with my partners too. I love that It's all communication really how the communication and I love that also in your book Boyce thought you demonstrate the conversations and how to do it which is really helpful

We're not just telling people to communicate kind of drilling down and showing your real life examples and through your own vulnerabilities How you've done that which I think is so helpful. Yeah, I think it's always I always try to give and some just saying communication I try to get like at here's a script potentially for it because again figuring it out, what type of communication works for you and matching up with someone who also shares that similar type of communication. Oh, yeah, just skillset for sure.

Okay, I have one last question for us. This is from Sarah, 30, Canada. Hi, Dr. Emily, I've been listening for two years. I've gotten a lot out of it. Like a lot of people contact you. I grew up in an incredibly religious home in a small town. Over the last few years, I found myself more drawn to women. And when I think of the future now, I think I can see myself with a man or woman.

I haven't been much of a long-term data before. I've only had a couple of longer relationships. But now I feel like I need to figure out myself since my sexuality wasn't something I might mind before. So where to start? Do I go to a queer bar or event? And if someone's interested in me, do I let them know I've never been with the woman before? Do I just put it on the apps that I want to experiment

and figure myself out? Or that I've only had men, I'd like to change that. She says, do you think that women who already know who they are would be interested in someone who's just trying to figure themselves out in their 30s. So what I love about this is first, she's just saying, how do I do it? How do I dress it?

And have I already missed the boat in my two late? Like I think that we all of these messages, like I've missed it. No one's gonna want me, something's wrong with me sexually, right? All these, she's like just kind of encapsulated a lot of the, the onks that we have, a lot of us have about sexuality and exploring.

Yeah, I'll start by saying it's never too late and I really do firmly believe that. I think what might be helpful for you specifically is, because often sometimes people ask me like, do I put, I'm bisexual on my dating profile? And I always say yes, because even though you weed out significantly more people, the number of times I've been on a date with someone the second third Data I come out as buy and then I'm immediately ghosted and so I think you should not put that you're bisexual But I think you should do it on dating apps and just say like hey, I'm new to my sexuality and I'm exploring dating with women Would love to meet up Frame it better than that,. But I think something where you explicitly state that, and yes, you're going to get fewer

matches, but that's the point. You want to match with someone who's clearly okay with this or someone else who's also new to exploring their sexuality and is excited to do it with you. So I think if you're actually more direct about it in the beginning, even before you match with people, that's gonna kind of lessen the anxiety because you know by the time they match with you, you know they're okay with this. So that'd be my advice.

That's great. It's so true. It's like we think that we're so afraid of stating what we want because you were gonna reject us, but those people are doing you favor. Like, you don't wanna be with them. That's how you're reading everything out. Yes, go to places where you're fighting other open-minded people and you start to, you know,

if you have any friends who are bisexual or dating other women, I think it just takes community and Baby it's quite a one-party where you feel like people might be a little bit more open and then you'll meet someone there and they'll leave. And there's nothing wrong if you're meeting someone out and about, I know let's say you're flirting or another girl's flirting with you at a bar, and you got a number for a date, just be like, hey, just a heads up, I'm actually pretty new to dating women.

I just wanna make sure you're comfortable with that. I'm honest with it. Yeah, you don't have to pretend. No one's expecting you to be more experienced than you are in different places than you are. You're where you're at now. Be real and honest. Yeah.

I love it. Zachary Zane, thank you so much for being here. I have to ask you the five quicky questions to be asked all of our guests. And I'll ask. Get in tour, we will confide you. Okay, ready? Just quick, what's your biggest turn on?

Oh my goodness. What's that? Let's quick, though. It's like asking me, what's my favorite child? Um, I love all of them. My biggest turn on is confidence. Biggest turn off. Can I say not confidence? No, biggest turn off is confidence. Biggest turn off. Can I say not confidence?

No, biggest turn off is people who do not know what they want. Yes, what makes good sex? Being able to openly articulate what you want without shame and being open to other people's experiences too. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Oh, it's gonna be awesome. I know you're struggling a lot right now, but don't worry, it will get better.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? Oh, there's no one way to have it. It's have sex however you want to have it, and whether that means you don't have sex at all, because you don't enjoy it and you're asexual or you like having sex any day that ends with the word day in it. Own it, there's no one way to do it. The key is just finding someone else who shares similar desires or lack of desires to you. Thank you so much, Zach. How can people find you in your book and all the great work you're doing?

Yes. So, there it is. Hold on, by the way. I've put it in, I always have that. Oh my God, I have it for you here. It's thank you. So ZachRZane.com You can buy the book and you just type in Boy Slaught one word. It is everywhere by any bookshop

You might on Amazon and please tell all of your friends please tell everybody else also can follow me on Twitter and Instagram at ZachriZane underscore I also have a book tour that's gonna be in May and June. I'll be in LA, SF, New York, Chicago, Boston, Nashville, all over. So if you've had to my website, I can hopefully be in a city near you. If not, I also have a lot of virtual book tours as well. So no matter where you are, you can listen in.

Oh my God, amazing. Thank you. We'll put that all on the show notes. And thank you just for your honesty in your book and really, for your writing. It just really helped people feel safe. I think you're going to help people like get rid of their shame and feel really great about exploring and having better sex. So thank you for being here. So nice to meet you. Yeah.

Thank you. You too. Thanks. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles

for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com-ask-emily. Special thanks to A-CAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.