Sex With Emily - Blitz, Clits & Everything That Fits

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is doing an email blitz — because answering your questions is what she does best! She gives advice on how to tell your partner that their technique is off without hurting their feelings, if you should move on or try again with a relationship that you’ve never fully committed to, & how to find your wife’s hot spot — aka, the clitoris! Plus, how to get your prostate needs met for solo pleasure play. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm doing an email blitz answering your questions because hey, it's what I do best and what I love doing, helping all of you. Tabx include. So you and your partner just started talking about sex, but how do you let him know his technique is off without hurting his feelings? Okay, you've been back and forth with someone for years. Should you move on already or try again? Ah, the clitoris, it's the woman's hotspot, but what on earth are you supposed to do when you or your wife just can't seem to find it? And how do you get your prostate needs met for solo, pleasure, play? All this and more, thanks for listening. Into his eyes They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex

Eyes that mark our secret institutions Betrubized they call them in a bygone way. Hey, Evelyn You got a boyfriend because my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute The girls got every stand. Oh my the women know about shrinkage isn't it common? What do you mean like laundry? It's rinks and we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so so grown. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, everything in between. You guys have been sitting so many awesome emails lately that we are dedicating this show to all of your emails and they're great. So keep them

coming feedback at sexwithamlee.com. We love when you comment and subscribe on iTunes wherever you're listening. It's great to get your reviews there and your five stars. I love that and share with a friend. You can also find me guys on serious XM radio. It stars channel 10109 and I am their Monday through Friday 5 to7pm Pacific, 8-10 Eastern, and you guys can get a free trial at sexwithemlee.com slash SXM and by the way, you can also just call me between 5-7 in the evenings at 8-7-847-8277 and ask your questions directly.

Social media across the board is at sex with Emily. Also, okay, if you haven't seen it yet, you have to check out my sex with Emily Vesper. It's an elegant vibrator necklace that you, yeah, you wear it on. It's an elegant vibrator that you actually wear as a necklace. It's a really strong powerful vibrator. It's USB rechargeable and it comes engraved with one of three limited edition phrases that I wrote for you. You can choose I come first, turn me on, or meditate, masturbate, manifest. If you go to sexwithelene.com, you can, if you go to sexwithelene.com slash vespur, V-E-S-P-E-R, you can get one there and the three different colors, or like I get compliments, I wear it every single day or go to my Instagram, check out the pictures

that I posted, it's freaking awesome. Yeah, they like actually get every, make every outfit, mostly. Yeah, they do. I wear it every night, you guys, every day. I stack it with other necklaces and I always got my vibrate around the neck. You never know.

I'm gonna end up, I'm like, I might need this toy. Also, we're doing a giveaway from Muse, which is flavored lube, which makes oral sex delicious. I can't believe you can buy it a bit better than beyond, too. I know. Thank God, they have a good lube there, right? That's the beyond part, guys. That's beyond.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you mean you never thought about that? Bed bet them beyond like lubs and stuff like that. If you go, and beyond, like, loobs and stuff like that. If you go to our Instagram, you can find out the details. It ends October 17th. Essentially, just add some flavor to your sex life. Tell us how loob has changed your life.

Email us feedback at sexwithemily.com, with the contest, say, loob in the subject line. We'll know what you're doing. All right, emails. I love answering your questions. That's why I exist on the planet. If you'd like a question answered on the show, go to sexwithamily.com, fill out the short form

or just email feedback at sexwithamily.com. Just remember this, include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And we're cool if you change your name. I think most people do. Or like when they call in, definitely they do. So, yeah, it's totally no pressure. No pressure All right, first email Jamie want to read it. I do indeed

Okay, this comes to us from Briann who's 30 in Massachusetts Mass a two-sit's wow states man Every time hi, I'm not some she's got toys. She's got yeah, I don't know. All right, so it's high doctor Emily Love your show. I even got my boyfriend of four years to listen when we're on long rides together. So I've been all about four play lately because it's never happened before,

and I now know that it's so important. I love my boyfriend to death and would hate to say something to make him feel bad because we just started talking about sex more. But I'm not finding oral or when he fingers me pleasurable. Sometimes I'm like, what are you doing down there? What do I do? I don't have much of a sex drive, which I'm working on.

So obviously I want things that we're doing to feel good, but I don't want to make it awkward or make him feel bad. Thanks. Okay, great question, Bre Ann. I'm so glad that you have found the show and that you've got your boyfriend to listen. Now, I'm telling you, I keep hearing this more

and more from couples who are like, thank you Emily because I just, we listen together or they actually treat it like, you know, we have a group, they teach you like a podcast group, like they'll both listen and they'll discuss it like later that night if they don't listen together. So it's like a really good,

like just like another tool you guys to open up the conversation. So here's the thing, Brienne, I totally understand that you don't wanna hurt him or make it awkward and then you probably are like, but I don't know if a sex type either. So it's probably me.

But let me tell you this, you don't have to say it in a way that's gonna make him feel inadequate. Say it in a way that's more like, you know, the good old compliment sandwich for sex. We love this technique. You could say to him, I've been thinking about our sex life and it's been hot lately and I really love,

the first part is something that you love about it. I love how we've been having more passion at sex and I love when you go down on me and I feel like I've been learning some things lately about my body and I'm gonna show you what I really like. I'd love it if you touched, if you slow down a little bit, maybe you didn't use your fingers because I know that I'm so close to having

the most explosive orgasm and I know you're the one baby that can bring me there. My point is you give something you like and then you just give feedback but you say, and let me do a baby, I wanna know what I can do, is there anything I'm doing and you guys listen, it's all about tone. You wanna be curious, you don't wanna be, you know,

shaming or blaming, you don't wanna be like, we have to talk about something. Seriously, we're like, hey, let's talk about fun ways, we can even take this to the next level, that's the gist of it. You can also mutually masturbate, because you can show him what you like, and then he sees what you like,

and it's really hot to watch each other. So those are my tips for you, but I also want to say that as far as sex drive goes, this all works together. Because you're 30 years old, you know, I'm wondering if, you know, maybe you're on some kind of medication or you're just really stressed out, but what I can tell you is that the more that you masturbate, you self-pleasure you talk about having more pleasure will sexually partner, and then actually start experiencing that. I think you'll be amazed at your sex drive. I think it's gonna come back after some of that. Thanks for the email, Briann. Keep us posted.

Yeah, I mean, it's especially like, if someone's going down on you, like I try to just be like, oh, it feels so good. I love it if you touch me there. Yeah, that's what I try to do. Like if it's in the moment, because sometimes people can't take the feedback after. Well, they can take it after, but here.

But in the moment, it might be so. I think that she lays like the groundwork. And says, yeah, there's some moves that I want to do. And next time you're going down to me, I'm going to show you. Exactly. So then he's not like, oh no, why is she showing me dry? Yeah.

And then in the moment, she's just like, just see, just be breathy. Literally, you could say anything you want. Do you want to take your finger and move it away from my clitoris? Or take your finger and remove it from my vaginal opening? Yeah, instead of like, don't stick your finger in there like that.

Right, you don't be like, oh, just be like, hey babe, maybe more softer touching. Exactly. Big, big mound. Oh great, you're going to do great, Brienne. Yeah, we got you, girl. All right, this next email comes to us from Jim, who is 54 in Texas. Hi, Dr. Emily.

My question is about a relationship with a 44-year-old female. We went on two dates a while back, the chemistry was so good, but she ended up breaking things off to date someone else. We didn't talk for five months, but I saw that they broke up, so I contacted her and we started chatting every day. Then she pushed me away saying she didn't want a relationship. I backed off, gave her space. After two weeks I decided to send her an email telling her I felt we started talking again

almost every day. We spent a few nights together watching movies and kissing. A week later she told me she could not continue, was putting too much pressure on her wanting relationship and she didn't want one with anyone, not just me. She tells me that she misses me though when we're not talking and choice cuddling with me. Should I forget her and move on? I just need insight from a lady's perspective, please. All right, Jim.

Now, this is a classic situation where you're into somebody and she's kinda showing up, but then she feels bad and retracts as I can't do it, but like her words are different than her actions, or sometimes the actions are's acting like she wants it and then she's telling you other things and this is a conundrum, people get into these situations. And I get it, you're like, well, maybe she'll come back to me.

But I think this is a case where you have to listen to her words. She's told you several times that she's not looking for a relationship right now. Now what it sounds like is, without you, you know, she's looking for a casual relationship. Maybe she wants to see you once every two weeks or maybe it's even once a week. Maybe she's dating other people. And so this is something, Jim, you're not going to change her. In fact,

the more you pressure, she's just going to change her number. But if you're open to, you know, dating her and then while still dating other people, that might be a better solution. Now, I know you're 54 years old and this might, you know, I'm just saying this is something that I think I advise a lot of people who maybe aren't looking for marriage as a Sarah. They're not looking for longer term commitment. But I feel like, you know, I feel like though, Jim, that might not be for you.

You might be looking for your partner and you don't want to mess around with like waiting for her. So my other suggestion is that you just cut it off. And you cut it off and you say that you're really looking for someone who want something serious and you love spending time with her. And when she's ready for something more serious, she can definitely hit you up. So I think you have to listen to people's words. Yes, I was literally just in this situation with my roommate.

I was like, yeah, we're hooking up, we're having sex, but I don't want a relationship, I don't want any of these things. And I'm finally, it's done with. But it's true. He didn't listen to my words. He didn't listen to your words because your actions felt so good when he saw you, when you were cuddling after, maybe it felt like we just had such great sex how could she not want more and I've been in this situation more times than I'd like to admit where you know like in my 20s

in my 30s every dating people and I I never you know I really like them and I would spend time with them but I was still certain that it wasn't going to go anywhere but whatever reason maybe it was them it was where I was at in my life, I was dating several people, but I would still be excited to see them, but when push came to shove and they were like, let's commit and be able to not miss for some people, I was just like, no, I just can't do it.

So I've been this person though, because sometimes it just feels great to connect with someone who you really think is wonderful and Jim, she probably thinks you're a great guy, but for whatever reason and we don't need to analyze it She's not where you're at. Exactly. All right Jim. Thanks for the email. Keep us posted. You guys I want to know I want to know from you if I've given you some advice and it's worked Send an update or

Send me the next question because sometimes people want to know like how do I talk to this person about it? Right or Jim Jim could be like yeah, you were right and I moved on and I met this like, how do I talk to this person about it, right? Or Jim, Jim could be like, yeah, you were right. And I moved on. I met this other woman and now we're having this challenge. Like, we want to go along good journey with you. We do. We care. We don't want to just send you off into the world.

And that's where you're sending you out. There. We're not going anywhere. All right. Speaking of non-monogamy, actually, this came from Camille, 27 in California. Hi, Dr. Emily. I've been with my boyfriend for eight years and we've been living together for three. I've always had attraction to other guys and didn't really know that open relationships were a thing until listening to your show, and now

I know that a managa-mish relationship sounds really good to me. I broached a subject with my boyfriend, and not even about having sex with other people but making out and perhaps everything but, and he pretty much freaked out. I said we would never do it if it makes him so uncomfortable, but now he says he will never be able to forget that that's what I want. I had a loss from where to go from here. I kind of wish I never said anything. And now consider not bringing up hard conversations.

Oh, all right. So here's the thing. I totally understand Camille why you said this after eight years. And I feel like that it's probably the way that you brought it up that totally threw him off. After eight years, you're saying, hey, maybe we could explore open relationships. He's like, who is it? You're going to want to leave me. I can't trust you, which I understand. So I think that you have to just do your best now to really put some more words around it

and let him know that he is enough for you. And it was just, and maybe you could do some thinking here, because I wanna know, Camille said, as we asked for something, and then we get this strong reaction, and then we're like, no, babe, I swear I don't want it, but maybe you do want it, maybe Camille, after eight years, maybe there's a party that's like, yeah, I wanna know what else is out there.

I actually do kinda wanna open this up. And so you have, so then I would say, if that is the case, it makes sense that he would have responded that way to the first conversation. But maybe just follow up, you could say, you know what, I'm sorry the way that I sprung this on you. But what I was really thinking is,

I'm 27 years old, we've been together for eight years. I love our sex life. I've thought that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you and all these things, but I have to be honest, I as a 27 year old woman, it feels like I still would like some more experience. You know, I talk about in the show all the time that I think your 20s are a great time to experiment

and to figure out what you want, not even just sexually or romantically, but even professionally. So it's a time of growth and discovery and maybe you're going in different directions. But all I'm saying is make sure that you're not over correcting and shutting this down because I want to legitimize your feelings here and tell you that going in different directions, but all I'm saying is make sure that you're not overcracking and shutting this down because I wanna legitimize your feelings here

and tell you that it would make sense if you've been feeling like maybe we could open it up, but just also know it's not for everybody. Yeah, and then he probably freaked out initially, but maybe after time to think about it, he might come around or he might understand or be able to explain to her better because I feel like if I had never,

I was completely in love with my partner and I've been together for eight years and they came and told me that I might react the same way, like, oh my God, I'm not enough for you, I'm never gonna be enough for you when it's like, it's not just about that, it's just more about curiosity and experience.

It's more of a curiosity and it's more about experience. So exactly, maybe you guys could like, we have some episodes on open relationships that you could listen to, there's a great book by Tristan Terrame, Well, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm mean by it and they feel threatened that they're not enough. So here, Camille, maybe you have more information to form. You could say, I just thought that maybe I could go out

and kiss them on or I was just picturing it would be us together swinging or he probably seems to understand what that would look like. Put more words around it because people just assume the worst case scenario. And typically it's, I'm failing as a lover. Exactly. So, you know, you gotta put more words around, explain to them where you're at. All right. Okay, you guys know that my show is all about making sex,

and everything that goes along with it is easier to talk about, and I'm gonna be honest, that includes your period. I mean, it's something that 50% of us experience, and we don't talk about it either, even with other women. I mean, we might just say, like, I have my period, but like, you know, we don't really like get into how we're feeling about it. We just complain. Yeah, I mean, never talked to our partners. No. And like, my roommate was like,

trying to do something nice. He was going to like do my laundry for me and I was like, oh, no, I'm good because I'm like, I have like no fans, but like women, we get stains on our numbers sometimes. Honestly. Yeah, it's a period underwear. Well, James, here's the thing. These are, this is a game changer, you guys. If you haven't heard of things, and I think they've been out there advertising because I heard about it a year ago when I got them, James, their period proof underwear you can use to back up or even replace other methods. Thinks, absorbs up to four tampons worth of your flow without leaks, stains, or odor.

Wait, wait, what? Yeah, this is a thing. I know. Okay, so my friend Shirley told me about them. She was like, I got things from me and my daughter. Her 15-year-old daughter. I was like, oh, I heard about this. This was like probably a year and a half ago, what before I got them. And yeah, I was like, what do you mean, same thing? And like, yeah, you wear them and it like has a special material where it doesn't drip through. Like, you really don't have to worry about it, because she was like, if I friggin' go to work again with like, staying in my pants, and so she got them. Like, her daughter's 14, like 15 now,

and they've like, you know, a bunch of them in the house. So it really works. Like, you're not walking around, like just like, I'm trying to think of what a good, it just sort of, I feel like a whole, I feel like a whole, yeah, we're all conscious too. I'm like, oh, I'm like, especially even if I have my tampon and I'm like, am I, I'm like, am I I smelling I feel like I'm good. I don't know this there's no odor

It's this really super cool material and they're not big. They're not bulky You know like instead of like tossing out your pads or tampons you just toss the things to put them in the wash and then you Reuse them they've been a game changer for so many women I know Jamie they're sending you pair this week. Oh my god That's worry. I don't think we've been talked about this But they're coming if you've periods you have to try things check them out for yourself go to period better calm Use code Emily save $10 on your first pair Just try one pair you guys and you are going to love them That's period better calm and use code Emily to save $10 today.

Oh my God, and they're coming. I'm so excited. Yeah, they're coming, dude. They're coming like next week. I think they might, yeah. They're coming. Yay. Speaking of that, we're going to take a quick break

and then we're going to get back into more of your emails. Okay. All right. Alright, coming back in, we have Layin' 32 in Canada, he writes, Hi, Dr. Emily. My wife and I have been together for nine years and have three perfect little minions aged one and a half to five and a half. First question is, how can I get my wife more in mood for sex? A cook and clean and try helping out around the house when I can. Second is, how on God's green earth can I find her clit when she has trouble finding it? Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Ah, Layin, that's a lot of children. I get it. I get your question here. Nine years, three little children. Congratulations on that. You guys have been busy. I get it. She's probably not in the mood.

She's super busy. And this happens after you have kids. And a lot of little kids. So you just remember you don't have to figure this all She's super busy and this happens after you have kids and a lot of little kids. So you just remember you don't have to figure this all out on your own. You know, talk to her about it. You know, find out, say, what does gets you in the mood? What are some kind of things that really like Turnuon?

You know, maybe she just needs a babysitter. She needs some more baths. She needs massages. She might need something to kind of help take some of the anxiety and stress out. For your second question, women, it's hard to find the clitoris. First of all, she isn't looked on her own. That can be challenging. But for someone, it's just more hidden. It might be under the clitoral hood. For many women, once we get aroused, that it swells up and then you can find it like

the hood moves back and then there's the clitoris. So your wife can look in a mirror and she can kind of look at it when if she's masturbating to find it or you can look together. It's actually really hot. To have your partner sit there like get some lube and just start massaging her and like playing and like just kind of really like touches over her clitoris where you think it might be, play with her labia and just like get curious. I mean I don't think it will take very long for you guys to find together. And with her labia, and just like get curious. I mean, I don't think it will take very long for you guys to find together. And then you can see what it feels like.

I would light a candle so you can actually find your way around. And so I think that could be a really fun assignment you guys could do together, searching for the clitoris. I mean, I've- Oh, slow and steady. Right, I've only had a couple partners like really like take a look down there.

And if the first time it happened, it's like, what are you doing? And they were just like, no, I just love your setup. Like, you're giant. I love how it's all, yeah. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that made me feel really good. I've only had a couple partners do that.

Because at first I was like, oh no, something's wrong. And they were like, no, like I'm loving. I just wanted to take it in. I've had partners do that. And it's literally like the sexiest thing they can do. I see. Seriously. It's so hot, because this is what, you know how I always say partners do that and it's literally like the sexiest thing they can do. I think seriously. It's so hot because this is what the, you know how I always say like for men,

like one of the sexiest things you can do is, like when you're going down and a woman say like, oh babe, I'm not going anywhere. We have all night. Like I want to be between your legs. I mean, but when they actually look and they're like just stare and they stop, they look up at you, it's pretty and hot.

It is. So as long as you can not trip on, what is he thinking I look like? He's looking at your beautiful vulva, your vagina, and it's hot. It is. Do that move as well guys. I have a move.

Lauren tell it like worship it. It's beautiful. Worship the pussy. Yeah. I don't like that word. It's okay. Worship the penis too. There we go.

I'll event you guys. How good is it feel it's to feel to be worshipped. It does. We love it. All right. This next one comes to us from Ashley who's 30 in New Jersey. Hi Dr. Amley. First, thank you so much. Listening to you has improved my sex life tremendously. I'm reaching out because I'm getting married in two months and I've one thing stuck on my mind before I say I do. I've always wanted to hook up with a female and when I say hook up I mean the whole damn thing strap on and all. I was thinking of to hook up with a female and when I say hook up I mean the whole damn thing strap on and all. I was thinking of doing it while he was on his bachelor party, but I feel guilty.

He'd also never be okay with it if I was open about it. So do I just say fuck it and do it behind his back? Oh, thanks for the question, Ashley. All right, you're about to get married and in to gonna tell you this. Before you get married to this guy, you have to be honest with him. I don't think you want to start a marriage thinking like, what I shoulda woulda kutta, I've got this fantasy being with a woman, and I think this really is informative for you. So if you, because if you don't experiment, what happened is we start to present our partner over time,

and it's, it's an itch you got to scratch. So I think you absolutely have to let him know that it's a fantasy you've had, that it's something that you want to try, and you've always thought about it, and you have to say it in a way that is just very loving, and you can ask him if there's any fantasies that he's had. This is how you can say, you can say, you know what, I've been thinking about it, I've had some things I've been wanting to try. How about you? And then you share what I've thought about being with a woman and I know you'd feel about that, but I just, I'm being honest. And this is gonna be a great jumping off point

for you guys to figure out where you're at sexually. You can let them know that if he's worried, like he's not never gonna be enough for you, you know, I think you're gonna have to reassure him, but also maybe this is a sign to you that, yeah, this is you have some more playing to do some more experimenting. So just open the conversation.

I'm telling this to everybody who's about to get married or you're engaged, it's also never too late if you're married. But if you have not committed yet down this path, you have to have a conversation about your sex life and your fantasies, do you like sex? How important is to commit in your vows. They don't have to be the public vows,

but you guys are going to prioritize your sex life and that you're gonna do the best you can to have open communication, you know, to work on it, to try new things because the things that I'm most challenging for couples is they get bored. And that's because there's not enough novelty in spontaneity. And so if you guys commit to each other,

we're gonna work on this, we're going to make sure that doesn't happen to us. You're going to be way ahead of the game. So maybe that conversation even opens that up for you. I highly recommend a very directed, honest, vulnerable, thoughtful conversation about your sex life before you walk down the aisle. I also feel like if they can get through that, then they're going to be set up for success first of the time. Yeah, it reminds me of Laura Wasser.

She was on our show. She's like a celebrity divorce attorney. And she was like, I don't think that everybody needs a prenup, but have a prenup conversation. And that conversation is like, do you have debt? Do you want children? Yes. If my mom gets sick, she's gonna come live with us.

Once we have kids, I'm going to go back to work. Like whatever it is, talk about these things. And I think we have to all talk about our sex life before we commit for life, please. Yes. Or commit it all. Why would you commit to someone that you're not on the same page with sexually? That should be the first thing. People are so concerned like, yeah, guys, are we the same religion or does this person have

a job and did it have a, we don't think about sex, we think that just gonna sort itself out. It's literally what I like think about so many times when we get calls and emails, I'm like, they could have had the conversation early, but it's always, it's never too late to fix it, but also.

Yeah, exactly. All right. All right, this next one comes to us from Peter who's also 30 in South Carolina. Dear Dr. Ami, I've been a long time listener and I've learned so much from you over the years. You've opened up my sex life like no one else has. A number of years ago I discovered how much I enjoy anal play.

However, since I can never find a girl who is into performing this aspect with me, I have to do this type of pleasureing by myself. A couple years ago I bought a vibrator and it was okay. Not too long ago I bought a realistic dildo. This was also okay. The first was not large enough, and the second was too big to really give me the pleasure I'm looking for. I know there are a lot of toys out there for men,

but just don't know what to try. I'd love a prostate misogy, and any other penetrative toys, but don't know what actually works. Could you help me? Thanks. All right, Peter, here's the thing. For sure, you're going to want to get a toy that is made for your butt. A dildo makes sense that you didn't like any of the dildos.

I would recommend getting a great prostate toy that's like designed just for your prostate. The Wevi Vector body-safe silicone, it's a prostate massager, it's curved to find the prostate and it also stimulates your perineum at the same time for even more stimulation which is that the taint as they say which is in between your teeth or the gooch the gooch I love that So also it works with the we connect app so it's much easier to control and just be patient with yourself You know you might not get there right away, but I love that you're experimenting the other thing is You're going to be able to find someone that wants

to do this with you. So I would not give up your hope on that. And maybe it's also the way you're bringing up. Maybe you could just say, have you ever done anal play? Maybe you could say, like, try to argue. And I found lately that it's something that I'm into. So I think the good news is that more and more people are hearing that this is something that men and women like that doesn't make it gay, sex talk doesn't make it gay, but that man have a lot of delicious nerve endings that could feel amazing when stimulated. So I think Peter, keep on the lookout. Keep having this talk with women and finding someone who is on board.

All right, this next one comes to us from Amy, 25 in Canada. Hi, Dr. Emily. I loved your show. I find myself recommending it at least a few times a week. In the past six months, I've been expanding my knowledge of sex, I listen to podcasts, research, and have more open conversations with my friends and partners around the topic.

However, recently, I've been feeling overwhelmed with all the information, my sexual experience, and what I should be doing in the bedroom. It's caused me a lot of anxiety, much to the point that I get incredibly anxious every time I know a guy is staying over. I find it hard to be present and constantly think about all the stuff I should be doing during sex that's not so vanilla and that I'm doing it right.

Do you have any advice on how I can carry on learning about sex, deepening my sexual experiences, but not getting anxious that I'm doing it wrong or that I'm boring? I love Amy. Like totally overachiever here, type A. She's like, I have a sex expert now and now I've been my head about it. I think you've done the really important part. You've done your research. You've had a lot of education around Amy around sex,

which is amazing. But now, my best advice for you is to just be present with whoever your partner is. Let me tell you this, I'm even a sex expert. And I sleep with men and I'm not like, oh, God, I better put it all the stops this time. He's over, I better do this special blow job trick and have all my moves. Oh, no, sex. When you come together with somebody and there's an attraction, you guys get to

the more present you are in your audio head, I think a great way to do it is kind of just keep bringing yourself back to the moment through focusing on your senses. You know, God, how did my hands feel on the skin skin. Okay, skin's really soft. And what am I smelling? I knew this massage candle that you've lit and I'm listening to the sound of my breath and you bring in all of your senses. And when you do that, you have no choice

but to be grounded in the moment. Now here's the thing with every partner, we all have the opportunity to become a great lover because every partner is a new experience. So I think paying attention, being in your body, paying attention to how he's responding to things, but also just like being yourself. Things are going to come to you in this way. But most of the time when we're having challenges in the betterment, it's because we are

so in our head and we're so anxious and we're so worried. So I would really say that you're going to now, like you have learned all the mess, all the information. And now I say, deepen your sexual experience by learning to be present with each new lover and then learning how to talk about it, which we talk about a lot on the show. Yeah, maybe after. How was that?

Was it fun? Were you into it? Like, what can I do? I tell him what you really liked. I love that she's an overachiever. That's an overachiever. Yeah, she's just like, oh my God, and I'm going to be the expert and I'm going to be great.

But it's like, if it's not feeling good to you or you're into your head, then it's like the research at that point doesn't matter. It's more about like a research. Exactly. You always say that. Research is research. We all have to do our own work. So you've done all the research.

Now you've got to do the research. Love it. I love it. All right. This last one comes to us from April 26th in California. Hello, Dr. Emily. I was wondering what to do if my significant other can only orgasm going really fast. I can handle it maybe once, but if you have sex every day, I get very sore and can't even have sex anymore.

We use, we use Lou, but are we maybe not using the right one? I don't know if I can change the way he needs to orgasm. I'm not sure if I want to live a life of pain with sex. He told me to talk to a guy and a college is about this, but I know it's because he likes to go very fast. I don't think there's anything wrong with me I've had relationships before and never had this issue, so any advice would help,

because I do like being with this current guy, and we are taking things to the next level and moving in together. I don't think this should interfere with our relationship. I hope it's solvable. Maybe it means we need to have sex less often. Thanks for any tips. Uh, right, April, this is a really common question because it sounds to me like he's just doing the jackhammer. He's just pounding away at you because that's how he's learned, you know, to have sex with you and maybe he saw that porn. You know, this is where I have a problem with porn

that a lot of people today that's the first sex or the only sex they've ever seen. So he's like, of course, I'm supposed to pound away at you, but the reality is for majority of women, that doesn't feel good. That's not what we want. It doesn't hit our clitoris. It doesn't, you know, it doesn't give us pleasure. So you are not doomed to painful sex. Your relationship doesn't have to end. And I think he can retrain himself to finish in a different way. Now, you have to let him know that that speed, and I think it might even be the depth, like he's going really fast and really deep,

it's discomfort. And actually, for a lot of women, slower sex is what feels good. So he's probably just not had a partner point this out to him, right? I mean, you guys are still under 20s, doesn't matter, and I don't care if he said sex with a hundred women, people are like, but he's had a lot of lovers that doesn't mean

that any of them ever gave him feedback. So that you do not have a ground to stand on with that. So I feel like definitely use a great Loub. We love Uber Loub or pure silicone. Loub is great, or their pure silicone, what's it called? Well, Uber Loub is great because it lasts longer than it's silicone. And it's a beautiful bottle bottle and you don't have to keep reapplying it. There's also pure woman's nude, it's safe water-based, and then there's also a womb or a play which is coconut oil. And those are like the oily ones, the oil, lube, and the silicone lube are great for this. But I think it's also a matter of like retraining him. Now again, you guys, a lot of us, my two, the majority of us, we learn one way to masturbate, one way to orgasm,

and that's what we do for the rest of our life. But he can learn to do it in other ways. You know, he can't. I promise you, he just hasn't experimented. This is like, sure far away, I'm gonna blow. But he gets lowered down, he could remove it, and he could just jack himself off at the end after you have your orgasm, which I hope you do.

So I think you guys just need a workaround and that you need to get some information to understand that there are other paths, other ways to move. Yeah, I mean, I have definitely been jackhammered before and I'm just like, I'm like a human being by the way. Yeah, pound away at me. So yeah, I have to believe me. And here's the other thing. I know you said you didn't have pain before with anyone else

So that leads me to believe your hypothesis here that it's about his jackhammering But again if it continues anyway, you should definitely go see your doctor Find out what that pains about a lot of women have pain during sex and they just accept it as normal and they just kind of suffer So I don't want that to happen to either All right, Jamie. thank you producer Jamie. And thank you everybody. I love hearing from you. Thank you for supporting the show

as we head into our 15th year in 2020. Oh my God. We're doing a lot of podcasts, you guys, for Tear for You. And I just thank you for supporting the show and telling a friend. And I love you all. Thanks, time-easing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, Alisa,

and Jamie of course, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamlee.com.