Sex With Emily - Body Confidence, Bisexuality & Better Sex

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

To get our needs met, we first have to be able to articulate our needs – and be brave enough to share them out loud. But it’s easier said than done! We get worried about what the other person will say, or we don’t have the words to express what we want, so we bury those longings and wait for a better time. Then before we know it, years have passed, and that better time never arrived. We’re sexually frustrated and resentful, because we never had the sex talk that was crucial to our happiness…until now. On this show, we’re leaning into discomfort, so we can come out on the other side sexually satisfied. In other words: we’re learning how to have a sex talk! Even when it’s just with yourself. How do you cultivate positive self-talk, when everyone around you affirms your hotness - but your brain just doesn’t buy it? Or how about when one of you wants to have sex every day, and the other doesn’t: how do you communicate your way through mismatched desires? Finally, let’s get into improving the quality of your sex life with a partner: when the sex itself has become rote, routine, or just plain boring, how do you revive it? The first step is an open conversation, and on this episode, I’m giving you scripts and tools so you can get over those fears, and get into mutually satisfying pleasure. Show Notes:The Sex with Emily Yes No Maybe List Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

First of all, Amber, let me just tell you this. The fact that you're still having sex almost every day after six years, you should get a f***ing medal. Have you been listening to the show? I know! Like, nobody does that after like the first year, two years. I mean, I only know. So, you're doing great, girl.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Together needs met. We first have to be able to articulate our needs and be brave enough to share them out loud. That's so much easier said than done. We get worried about what the other person will say or we don't have the words to express

what we want. So we bury those longings and wait for a better time. Then, before we know it, years have passed, and that better time never arrived. Maybe we are feeling sexually frustrated now and really resentful of our partner, because we never had this sex talk that was crucial for our happiness. Well, until now, on this show, we're leaning into discomfort so we can come out on the other side sexually satisfied. In other words, we're learning how to have a sex talk, even when it's just with yourself.

How do you cultivate positive self-talk when everyone around you affirms your hotness, but your brain just doesn't buy it. Or how about when one of you wants to have sex every day and the other doesn't? How do you communicate your way through mismatched desires? Finally, let's get into improving the quality of your sex life with a partner. When the sex itself has become rote, routine, or just plain boring. How do you revive it? Is it possible? The first step is an open conversation and on this episode, I'm giving you scripts and tools so you can get over those fears and get into mutually satisfying pleasure.

For each episode, join me in sending an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, think about what you want to get out of the episode. Well, my intention is to give you the specific words and encouragement you need to finally have healthy sex talks, once and for all. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily I've never had an orgasm and my holiday gift guide is up at sexwithemlee.com. Also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice.

If you want to ask me a question, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Let's talk to Renee who needs a little help with breaking up with her boyfriend over the holidays. Hi, Renee. Hi there. Hey. Hey. This is the time of year.

I know. It's kind of more than just the holidays, too, because the other thing is you don't want to do it during the holidays because it kills the spirit. Right. But also I am currently his right to work. Okay. You mean how do I do this without completely leaving him in the cold. Okay, so like literally they've been in the cold because you're in Iowa. So do you? So my question for you is this so are you guys,

did something, how long have you been together and you certain you want to break up, did something happen? Are you just ready? I i'm just ready we've been together since july officially you know okay and is there a couple things that i was trepidation about getting into the relationship and i told him because he's a smoker and i cannot say i'm a tape that's deal breaker in my clothes yeah and he told me he tried to quit and he i mean bought him gum and everything and that's not happening in carrier almost December. Yeah, okay, so six, seven months and you're not into it.

I think you just, that's fine. The deal, smoking is a deal breaker. But that is, I get it. So I think in whatever else, I mean, it's been six months. So I think Renee, you just got to, the tips that you got to meet up with him, I think that's the right thing to do

and just say, I'm not, I love the time we spent together and I'm just really not feeling this relationship. I mean, you're not Mary, you don't have kids. I think it's the right thing to do until find another. How was he getting to work before he met you? He had a car and died on him during our relationship and he just hasn't had the money saved up yet to get his another car.

Yeah, well, he'll figure it out because you're also doing him a favor by letting him go when you know it's over. Like I think a lot of us think we want to stay in the relationship because we feel so bad that they're never going to be able to get on without us, but we're actually doing them a favor by letting them go. So I think, you know, yeah, the holidays, but you sound pretty certain that you're done. Yeah, it's really them, but you know, because you know, you just, I feel like I give and I never receive.

Yeah, I know that feeling too. Anyway. And if you tried to work on it, like if you told them the things that are important and I never receive. Yeah, I know that feeling too. And have you tried to work on it? Like have you told him the things that are important to you to receive? I guess I've probably done the girl thing and done a bunch ahead. Yeah, that's what I'm looking for.

Our partners aren't mine readers, especially men. And women don't read men's minds. We don't. I mean, this might be a practice for you in another relationship, or if you want to give it one more try, it really helps to be direct and say, you know what, every time I see you, I bring you coffee and say you know what every time I see you I bring you coffee and donut in the morning when I pick you up for work and I would just love if you

it sounds like you want him to you surprised me with something or you plan the data whatever your things are you gotta let them we their hints don't work we think they do and then we get all mad and have a whole we break up in our head right but they don't know he can get like okay well I have been direct on a couple things for example for Christmasmas he just out of the blue told me that he wants the specific jersey that's a hundred dollars i go oh okay well here's my wishlist he goes oh that's nice i want one of those two

oh so he sounds like she right like you're supposed to buy for him and he's not gonna buy yeah he sounds maybe he's a little cheap and incentive i think he's selfish more than anything that is selfish i've noticed how spoiled he had like he moved during our relationship and his and mom showed up in clean does it's new apartment oh god he's a mom is what how old is he he's forty oh he's forty i'm telling you doesn't mean anything about it it doesn't really tell you anything but he sounds like he's kind of a mama's boy. Maybe spoiled.

Yeah, it sounds like you know, and if he's, you know, but if you're, I'm just getting more and more into the go. Yeah. That says a lot. He's 40. He's mom clean the place. He doesn't have a car. You're picking him up and you're a giver.

You're a pleaser. Like it feels good to you to give someone. Yeah. I can tell you want to fill him up. You don't mind driving him. You don't mind that's who you are. And that's really easy to also end up with people who might take advantage of it and who are selfish.

So Renee, let's learn from this. I think we learn, we kind of, we choose to, each relationship that we're in, and then we get out of it, there's a lesson. There's so many lessons to learn. A lot of us blame the person, and we don't think about it, but to go, okay, well, why was I attracted to him?

And then, you know, you could even just take some time without dating, be like, what was it? And what could I not do next time? So, that could be really helpful for you. But I think you just got to be honest, honey, and not stay with him just because it's the holidays. His mom can drive him to work, okay? A letter of help.

Okay, good, perfect. You got this, Renee. Just be honest, be yourself. Okay, thanks for calling, thanks for coming, I appreciate it, Renee. Next up is John, 50 in Utah. Hi John. How can I help you?

I need to once and for all. I'm 50 years old. I'm gay. I date regularly. I hook up occasionally. And I need to once and for all take some concrete steps to get better with the body that I have. That is so good, John.

I'm so glad you're asking this because really, like at what point, right? We gotta learn to love ourselves. It's our body that we have, right? You're 50. Now, how does this manifest in your life right now that it's a problem, and then we can solve it? Okay, so I would say two ways.

One is, if I'm looking through people's Instagram, it seems like everybody's beautiful and everybody's comfortable being naked or just even walking with their shirt or wearing short shorts or you know and I feel like it kind of messes with my head so that's one way and then the other way is when I'm in a sexual situation, just not having, not only not having confidence, but really actively disliking my body. A whole time, yeah. Even when other people, you know, and I really don't get, I don't get much negative feedback from anyone. I actually get a lot of positive feedback. But so it's, you know, I don't know. It's unreal, so you've unrealistic, you know,

expectations for how your body should be. So the first thing I'm gonna tell you, John, is you have to unfollow every single account on Instagram that makes you feel that way. I mean, that is just the law right now. I'm telling you, there's been all these stories about like millennials and there's more depression and it's like, delete, don't follow, limit your screen time,

anyone that makes you feel bad right now, delete it. Like, you don't need to see that, right? That's not helpful, because I know it's addiction yet, so do that. The other thing about self-love and loving your body, I mean, you've been wired this way, so you're probably doing this your whole life and not loving your body.

So just go patient on this, because it's not like I'm going to get to tell you anything right now that's a quick fix. But the fact that you're just conscious about it and calling me is amazing. And so really in those moments, you have to remember some things that when you're with somebody,

they've chosen you because they're attracted to you, they want to be having sex with you, they are naked and they are with you because there is chemistry, there's attraction. I think getting yourself to remember like that no one's at all as harsh as we are about our own bodies. Like just nobody, like nobody's looking and saying,

oh, you know, why do they have this or that? Like we're all focused in the moment where having sex. And most people, if they are thinking anything, typically what I've heard, and I've been doing this for 14 years, I've answered thousands of questions is they're worried about when something about themselves, that they're not gonna perform.

So all the things that you're wearing to us isn't true. And so I think the other thing that's important is to keep this, is to look in the mirror and do some mirror exercises and look in your body and look at all the things that you actually love about yourself. Like finally take that look in your room, like look at the mirror and talk about it.

And then write those stuff on post-its around your house, put that put it on your room, how you love yourself, how you love your body. And the more you actually look at it, and you're like, my body is freaking amazing. And you love it. Even it feels awkward at first. I'm telling you this works. It'll turn it around. It's self-love.

We're pacing the negative with the positive. Because one of the things that I have what I experienced, this really hit me last week, I went on a date with someone and ended up going back to my place and we ended up having sex and he kept telling me how great he thought I looked and every time he said it, it took me right out of being in the moment because I kept sort of arguing back in my head about why he wasn't right. Ah, why he's not right. He's like, but didn't he see my dimple on my thigh? Right.

So this is so interesting. I think I was like taking right out of the moment with a really great guy who's saying, you know, you're really hot. Who's saying all this thing? Yeah. My head, like, no, I'm not. If you know. Right, right.

John, I'm also curious if this happens in other places in your life. Like, were you feeling like if I don't know, like at work, or if you doubt people aren't really? It actually, I'm very confident. I have my own business. OK. So in other arena, I know what I like about myself.

It's just not my body. In your confidence comes from because you've done work and then you've gotten accolades and you've gotten raises or you have your own business and it's been successful. So sexually, then we got to go back to this. Was there ever anything sexually maybe, it could have been 20 years ago. It could have been in the high school gym. Did something happen where someone shamed you for your body? So I was in a committed monogamous relationship with a wonderful man who turned out, I would say to be primarily asexual. Okay.

And we were committed monogamous relationship for 10 years. All right. So eight of those, eight no-sack none. Oh, no-sack. And no-sack. Yeah, okay. And how long did you end of that relationship? Four years.

Okay, so that's, so good. We just got to this. It has nothing to do with, with action reality. So because I thought you were going to say, yeah, there was this guy who told me that he didn't like whatever. But it's actually because what you do when you're in an asexual relationship is like everyone does, we think it's about us. So that whole time you're thinking, how could I be more attractive for my partner? How could I perform better?

Should I lose weight and you kept trying to please him? And then you come to find out he's actually just not even into sex. So then you've wired your brain in this way to think like you're not desirable, you're not lovable, and you're not worthy enough for someone to want to sex with. So it's all that negative conditioning in 10 years is like, that's a long time. So now we just have to undo it. Now that we realize that, you have to realize that you're with someone and they're telling you these things. Like, I don't think that people say things like that unless they mean it. You know what I mean? Like, you wouldn't keep saying it. He already has you in bed. Yeah. Yeah.

So just remembering these things, maybe write this down after we talk. Sometimes I forget, I always write things down after I hear something that's in sput, you know, therapy or whatever, but like, remember that it's not your current situation. Like people you're very desirable and that was your partner, not you and that the long time not to have sex. So now you get to rebuild and start new. This is the John who is desirable and sexy and want sex and people want sex with you. So...

Do you have any thoughts about taking, I feel like, you know, I'm 50, should I take some kind of a bold action? Should I do something that I wouldn't normally ever ever do? I don't know what you've done, like, sexually? Or just... Oh, no, I just mean, like like, when I like go to a pool, when I go to a public pool. Yeah, oh, oh, so... You don't take my shirt off.

Yes, see, like small things like that, like going to the gym and taking your shirt, doing things that you wouldn't normally do absolutely. Go to a pool, walk around, do... If this is prohibited, do in other areas of your life. I thought I was just during sex. So, I think, yes, do something. Oh, so it's everywhere you've had this like self-esteem, right? I can't remember the last time I've had my shirt off one time out of the shower. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think you should start to be more naked, masturbate, looking in the mirror.

Do you know what hot that is when you actually do something like that? Like look at yourself and like turn around and look at your body. I'm sure you are fine. Like 50 or otherwise, it doesn't even matter. So I think like you've got everything going for you. You've got sex, you've got guys telling you you're awesome. So you're the last person we need to convince. So I think anything you could do,

I always believe that doing something different is a huge step towards getting us to where we want to go. Do one thing different. So yes, like walk around naked, be naked at the park in the pool, wherever, do it. Or like, almost take your shirt off, you know, don't get arrested. But yeah, be bold and replace those negative thoughts. Thank you, John, for calling. Let me know how it goes. This is your year. I know it. Thank you. Body image and negative self-talk is a process. And when you could replace that negative with affirmations, maybe you think like, oh, I feel, you know, fat or something.

And then you literally could have five things like, I am beautiful. My body is strong. I love my legs. And you could have them in the note section on your phone and like, look at them when that negative thought comes in. And you can replace it. We can rewire our brains with right thinking. Your emotional health is an inside job.

No one else is gonna make you feel beautiful, our smart, or successful, and we have to do all that. Let's take an email. We have Stacy, who's 28 in San Diego, and she writes, Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been dating a guy who's 44 for about a year and a few months. We used to have sex all the time, but recently it's maybe once a week or every other week week and I want it every day. And I always initiate. I was super into BDSM

before dating him and I like to try that but I'm shy to ask. I feel like I've brought this up several times and I'm constantly bothering him. I love him very much when we do have sex. It's amazing. I'm wondering if it's our age difference. Maybe it's because he's super stressed at work or fatigued. I feel super insecure that maybe it's because I put on some weight since we began dating and now he isn't interested. He says he's tired and busy. He's still little to the zacks that I can't go over there

and I have my roommates and my two kids that still live with me. So places are hard. Okay, Stacy. First of all, having sex every day is gonna be a lot for many, many people. And remember that in the beginning, you're saying we be a lot for many, many people. And remember that in the beginning,

you're saying we had sex all the time. Most people had sex all the time at the beginning of their relationship. That is a condition that is a period of time. We all love it, the honeymoon phase. It feels amazing. We can't help but have sex all the time. So that changes.

So that's not realistic. I think we can keep up with the same pace and intensity that we had at the beginning. I doubt that he is not attracted to you. He is older than you. He's in his 40s, 15 years older than you. There's a lot that could have fatigue, his age, it could have a lot to do with his sex drive. And I'm curious about him living with an ex. You just tossed that in at the end. That he's still living with his ex. Is this an ex that he broke up with when you just started dating? Is it an ex from 20 years ago when they bought a house together and they have shared different, like I don't understand that part of it, but I think

that you need to talk with him outside of the bedroom from just exploring and let him know like this will what would be really fun for me. And when I say I'm into BDSM, here's what I'm into. Just because you're telling him like I want want BDSM or I was into it or this and that, he might not get it. Like we're saying, there's a lot of people who are afraid to ask questions like what do you mean by that? A lot of people don't know what that means.

They really don't. I don't think it's because of your weight. I think that we worry about this stuff all the time. It feels like there's a lot of other things going on and it's just gonna take a conversation. Like a real honest, because since you also have nothing to lose, 28 years old, you've got kids, you've got a lot going on and it's just going to take a conversation. Like a real honest, because you also have nothing to lose. 28 years old, you've got kids, you've got a lot going on.

I think the honest conversation with out playing games from a heart felt place is going to get you the answers that you need to figure out what to do with this relationship. We have Adam, who has a question about Dougie's style sex. Hey Adam. So, um, it doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes when I'm with a girl and I'm doing doggie style, I like lose a boner. And it's my probably least favorite position. Okay. And um, and it's already something that I get to the point toward I lose a boner sometimes, because I usually start missionary and then I switch to like doggggie and then I get like kind of anxious because it's been happening and I was

all okay. Oh, okay. Here is if you had any tips. Yeah, you know Adam it's so great that you actually just laid it all that. What happens a lot which is good news for a lot of guys, a lot of the performance anxiety men have is because it happens just once and then they're like uh oh it's going to happen and then it happens. Before we get into how to deal with it, I want to know why you think it happened, why

you think you lost it. Do you remember why or the first time? I would say most of the porn that I watch is missionary and it's my favorite one personally or tur on top. I think it's because I like looking at the face. Yes, I was going to say that, Adam. It feels disconnected. So is there some pressure that you feel like you have to be doing at Doggy Style? First of all. I don't know.

I don't feel pressure, but I would say that I come to notice that girls love it. And I have read and I've done a little research that it does feel a little deeper. And I get deeper if I've done a little research that it like does feel a little deeper and I get deeper if I do doggy. So I know it goes like in a mad aspect. Well, my research is that guys love it more than women. And I feel like a lot of women love it because guys can come quicker in that position.

So sometimes it can be like, let's do it from behind so you'll come get over it because I don't know how to please my but I'm not having an orgasm. But I think that's part of it. If you know what positions you like that, I think I wouldn't make assumptions that she's just dying for the doggy settlement. But the other thing is she could turn around and like look at you. You could say, I want you to look at me like when I'm going, you know, when I behind like I want to see your face, you know, and then here's the other thing

to remember Adam, just if you could go it and my biggest thing is for it's kind of a mindful sex practice, is that just because you got soft in the moment, it doesn't mean that sex is over. You flip or over and then you just start licking her from behind, right, and her butts out and then you're going, you're performing oral honor from behind, so you don't stick it in yet, right? You're just turning around and then you wait for yourself to get hard again and you get your mind off it and you get I'm pleasing her. And I promise you, if you just distract yourself

from those thoughts in a real way of like, let me just do something else. Let me focus on something else. It'll come back. You're 28, you're healthy, I'm sure. The erectional come back. It's not, it will. And she's not looking at you going, oh, he got soft.

If she's already turned around and you're like, this is gonna happen, then And she's not looking at you going, oh, he got soft. If she's already turned around and you're like, this is going to happen, then just ask her to look at you or just go down and her do something else until it comes back. So to please her, because when you take the attention off yourself and you're focused on her pleasure, it'll come back because it's your brain that's kind of making it go down. How does that? I feel like there's a, I think that's a pretty good plan. Okay. Let me know how it goes. This is not a life or a thing, I promise. Thanks Adam, thanks for calling Section Family.

After the break, I'm talking to Lena, who finds herself fantasizing with her acts while having sex with her husband. Don't go away. Let's take an email. This is from Lina, 30 in California. She writes, Hi Dr. Emily, I spent half my 20s in an iron-off relationship with my college boyfriend. It was immature and complicated but extremely passionate, always crazy.

After we broke up, we were intimate with other people while still being intimate with each other. We wanted to end up together, but wanted to experience other things first to see if it was meant to be. I finally gave another man a chance, which is when my ex finally decided he wanted to be with me, but I was getting older and didn't want to risk losing this new person that could be. Fast forward, I married the guy after my ex.

My ex is married to someone else, and we've quote unquote moved on. I love my husband. He's amazing, the sweetest kindest man. But our sex is more mellow than it was with my axe. My concern is that I'll never have the same connection with my husband that I share with my axe. And I'm only able to orgasm by thinking about my axe. This makes me feel extremely guilty and frothy and this happens every single time.

Any advice on how to erase past memories? This is a really good question, lean up. Thanks for this question because I think this can be, this is relatable in a lot of different ways. I think we tend to, there's a lot of things going on here. We tend to glorify our past relationships we get out of them. We have this thing called euphoric recall, where our axiom might, we first break up,

we're like, yeah, we're breaking out with them, and it's not great, but like a week, a month, we put them on this pedestal, we're all, we can remember all the amazing things. Sex was so amazing, was the best sex I ever was, such a great connection. And our brains love to kind of attach to things that are going to disrupt us from having happiness, okay?

There is a negativity bias, the way our brains are just wired. So once we all get comfortable with that knowing that we can change those thoughts, the better off we're all going to live here. So what I think is going on here is Lena is that is that this has become a mechanism or a tactic for you, not consciously, to not really have to be present in your relationship with your husband. So I feel like this might be a way to be avoiding be present in your relationship with your husband. So I feel like this might be a way to be avoiding a real kind of intimacy with your husband

because you're always thinking about this act. You've created this whole story that it was the 10 year, like this is your story. Like I bet you tell the story to your friends and you tell the story like the one that got away, we can attach to these things, right? He's moved on, you've been a relationship now for how long, 10 years you've been a relationship now for,

oh, how long, 10 years you've been with him? Are you married to this guy? How long have you been with your husband now? But the point is, you need to talk to your husband about spicing up and get your brain out of the past and then moving into some future that we never know is gonna happen with, if you think you're gonna break up with your husband and end up with the ex,

that is not gonna happen. I really think that this is a great time for you to just turn towards your husband and be like, let's talk about our sex life. What can we do that would be really interesting to spice things up and to make things interesting to both of us? I mean, sex is about both of you. You don't have to solve it on your own. So if it just mellow with your husband, he probably thinks it's fine.

He has no idea that you might be needing something else. And I promise you, if you had amazing sex, amazing orgasms, their ex, it's completely possible to create something like that, but probably better with your husband, who you've committed a life to. So the only thing missing here, Lena, literally the only thing you have to do is practice when you're thinking about this sex

and all these things is going towards your husband, not away from him and saying, baby, how can we work on our sex life? What can we do together to make it more interesting to spice it up? Try some toys, talk about fantasies. I mean, there's a whole lot of things we talk about here on the show. Let's talk to Amber, whose partner wants to have sex more than once a day. So I've been with my friends for six years. Okay. and So I've been with my friends for six years. Okay. And sometimes we have sex twice a day.

Usually it averages out to one today. And sometimes they'll just be like, I can't believe we haven't had sex in forever. And I'm like, we just had sex last night. Like, what are you talking about? Yeah. And like, especially we go on, you out and get drunk and then we come home and I just want to follow sleep.

He's like, yes, we'll just go jack off again. Oh, OK. God, you guys got into that. What are you talking about? He should go jack off. Men jack off, they do it in relationships. Our relationships is healthy. But you know what?

He should make you feel bad. He doesn't even think that like women going master rate or watch porn like that to him is like a caboo. Really? Okay. Yeah. Wait. He doesn't think that women master rate or they shouldn't master rate. Yeah. So he's never. I don't know if he's like embarrassed to talk about it, but he's like, we've been together for six years, right? Yeah. So we've talked about my region, everything. And every time a porn situation has come up,

he's jokes out and he's like, ooh, do you watch porn? And I'm like, I lie about it. Oh, okay. Well, listen, this is, But now it's like six years of lying. Yeah, six years is fine. You know what Amber, if this is your husband,

your future husband, this is your year. You're gonna have a talk with him, and you're gonna be like, babe, I love you, you're gonna do it outside the bedroom, and you're gonna be like, I love you, I love our sex. Like, first of all Amber, let me just tell you this, the fact that you're still having sex almost every day after six years, you should get a f***ing medal.

Have you been listening to the show? No, he does that after the first year, two years. I mean, I only know him. So you're doing great, girl. So what I'm saying is, and there's the thing, this is what I was talking about, sex education earlier, it's not just for kids, adults need it too. He doesn't understand women. Maybe he grew up thinking it was wrong,

porn's wrong. He still has shame around sex because his parents told him not to masturbate or his religion. We don't know. But we all come into relationships with this preconceived notion about what sex is and no one ever tells it differently. So we assume. So now it's time for you to have an honest conversation with him about what you actually want. So you do masturbate, right? Yeah. Okay. Awesome. Do you know that my mission is to get women to masturbate more because we don't

do it enough. And the more we masturbate, the more sex. Yeah. What's weird is I don't like, I don't want straight porn. If we're like, I like, I like girl and girl porn. I don't know why most women, because most, a lot of women who are not interested in being with women at all get turned on by a lesson porn, including myself, anyone else in here,

and with girl women. All four of us just raised our hands that we all watched last being porn. So you're good with that. Girl, I'm a girl. What do they call it now? Yeah. He's got a lot of learning to do.

You got a lot of learning to do. And I think this could be amazing for your relationship If it a really like positive way you could be honest you could say babe I I do watch porn and I think it's really hot and I haven't told you this But I think what you're gonna start with is you know what I've realized? We've never really talked about our sex life and like in a way that I feel would be so good for us. Cause I know you want sex all the time. And I love having sex with you too. But I want to have a conversation with you about it about what actually turns me on. And then baby, like fantasy is so hot for couples. I'll bet you'll be like,

you won't care that you haven't told him for six years. You could say to him, I didn't tell you because I feel like there was some judgment from you on it and I felt shame. Because most people do feel shame around it and that's why we don't talk about it, right? So I'm trying to break that loop because nobody want, he feels shame too, probably, for his own things. So now you're like, listen, I actually do watch porn

and I would love to talk to you about ways we could both get off and spice things up. So we both want to have sex the same time. And like, what's your fantasy? Here's mine. Like not that you have to have sex with women, but like you can watch it together. Yeah.

It's telling sometimes we'll just wake up and be like, okay, and I'm like, I'm not ready. Like, we need to make this happen. It's a process. Like I'm not just like waking up ready to have sex. Nobody else. You got to get warmed up. You've got to go down and you. You've got to

use your fingers. You need your toy. Whatever it is. Of course. That's like that's what women need. Nobody's ready. I'll talk to everybody. Good. Amber, let me know. Go. I'm here every night. Did you welcome? I am. I have a great night. Communication is a lubrication. Talk about it. Mastervation is part of having a healthy sex life. It's actually good for us. It's nothing to be threatened by.

Next up, we have Adam, who's experiencing some phomo in his current relationship. Phomo, fear of missing out. What are you missing out on? Honestly, I was kind of a late bloomer. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25. I should probably say I'm bisexual too. And a lot of it came from that just hiding my sexual and everything. And this is my first serious relationship with a guy. I just don't really feel like I got much of a chance to explore my sexuality. Completely in the form of this. Okay.

We've talked about like an at-freezo with a guy because he's gay and doesn't want to do it girls unfortunately But I forget my move cross country and he shuts down a lot when we have like hard conversation How long do you been with this guy Adam? Two years Okay, and you're certain you want to move cross country with them right now? Yeah, I He needs a move or his job and I just kind of want to move in general. Okay.

The guilt's coming from the move, you know, essentially. You say the guilt is coming from the move? Uh, just moving and not letting him know how I feel. Yeah. I think it's really important to let him know right away how you feel and tell him, you can, that's how you do it, you know, in a really loving way and just say, you know, I know it's not easy to talk about these things, but it's really important that we learn to break through these hard conversations. And I see that my experience of you is that you shut down. And that's really hard for me because I'm trying to feel safe with you and have

these conversations because I know that's how we're going to continue to have a really healthy relationship What I would need from you is and you could kind of fill that in like let him know what it looks like to not shut down So he might not even get what that means because he's probably been shutting down his whole life Maybe his parents were shut down. That's typically how we learn and so maybe letting him know what you need Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, okay maybe letting him know what you need. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Can you tell if I'm like out of deal with being bisexual

on a, I don't know, how do you get that part of your sexuality out? Well, that's the thing. The other partner. Yeah, I mean, you have to, Adam, this sounds really important to me because when you started out saying that you're late, Blumar, you didn't have sex with your 25

and so you really only had a year. So you had a year and you got locked up. I got one in like pretty much three months after I started having sex. Okay so then how do you even know about sexual like you have have you been with women? Yeah. Okay Adam just know that you're told it like you absolutely should be able to have this conversation with him because I don't want you to, if you're already having the FOMO right now that you're missing out, then under that, like you trust what your body is telling you, trust what your mind is telling you that you're going to need some more experience.

Like does he know that you're bisexual? Yeah. Okay. This is going to be a series of conversations that you're bisexual? Yeah. Okay. This is gonna be a series of conversations that you're gonna have with him. I would try to have these conversations, you know, tonight when he comes home. Like I think that you know this too,

because it sounds like you just have this yearning and you start out saying it's phomole. Like I want you to have that too, because you, you know, you started late in your words and so, yeah, and see if he's how he reacts to that because, you know, maybe he's had more experience and he thinks you're the one and he's ready to be monogamous, but sometimes we go along with that because it feels really. Yeah, and it feels good to be wanted and needed and you jumped into monogamy, which I understand,

but maybe that's not serving you right now. And so maybe there's also ways to open it up. It sounds like it's not. And I want you to get what you need in this relationship as well. And that takes practice. And it starts with conversation. Okay, Adam, you're right. You're right here.

You're absolutely right to be wanting to have this conversation. It sounds really healthy. And I love that you know what you need. Thank you. Okay, you're so welcome, Adam. Thanks for calling. Let me know how it goes. It's very common to like want to be loved and be with someone

but obviously, but if you know and you're hard that you're having this craving your 28 years older that's how you figure out what you like in bed what you're into is by having explored Tori sex. This is from Kelly 47 in New Hampshire. Hey Dr. Emily I'm a twice divorced woman married to men who identifies as bisexual. I've never really explored a relationship with another woman, but I know that I'm attracted to women and aroused by them. It just so happens that I'm attracted to another single woman from my same friend group. I enjoy a company and we have great conversations

together. I would love to ask her to spend more time together, but I also want to create an awkward situation. Is there a possibility that she too could be interested in women? How do I broach subject? Something as crude as, have you ever considered dating women? I.e. dating me? It seems that most men I ask about whether or not they've ever considered dating men, always respond with an empathic no. Does the same whole true for women? Okay, Kelly, this is a great question.

I think that there's a lot of women, vulva owners, in your boat, who are like, how do I really start here? And I think that what I would say is, if you really like this woman and you have great conversations with her, maybe you could ask her for lunch or to join you for an event or something that you're going to, and when you're there, it will naturally come up

asking her about her dating life or who she's attracted to. And when she asks you that question back, you could say, well, I've always dated men, but lately I've been more interested in women. And I think that might be the most natural way to have a conversation and find out if she is that something that she would be interested in.

Because this way, you know, you still want to be friends with her sounds like. And if you're just the two of you one on one, it's a lot easier to have a conversation. I mean, I don't know about you, but with all my friends, when we go out to dinner or lunch or hang out, there's always the time in the conversation where it's like, oh, so how's your relationship? How's your marriage? How's your dating life? Just comes up. It's sort of something that we eat on how's your health and what do you do for fun and how's your job and who are you dating? So,

I think if you hang out with her, you're going to definitely get more information and find out if she's someone who might be interested in dating you. Now, the great thing about this is maybe she's not, and I know that might be disappointing, but she might know someone to fix you up with. The more you start putting yourself out there with healthy communication and being honest with those around you, that this is something you're looking for, the more likely you are to find someone to date. I think that when people hear that you're looking

or you're single, they want to help you. So I would recommend that route and see how it goes. Let me know, Kelly. Thanks for your email. All right, here's a question from Becca, 29 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, my fiance suggested I turned you for some sex advice regarding an ongoing issue. I'm 29 years old and I've been on Zooloft since I was 14 for depression.

I've tried to come up several times through the years, but haven't had success. I've also had hookups in several long-term relationships throughout my teens and 20s, and in the long-term relationships I noticed my sex time is gone. Perhaps it's the novelty of hookups that makes them much easier to return on. My goal is to maintain that feeling of being sexy and motivated to have sex in a relationship. I find that in relationship, especially in the most important one of my life with my fiance, I never crave sex. I sometimes masturbate to porn with a vibrator in the laziest way possible, usually to help

me sleep, but the idea of actual sex is daunting. I don't know what's my zooloft, or if I never really learned what genuine love-making is. I first hit sex when I was 14 with an older boy who pushed me to do it. I recall going along with it for his approval, and not because I wanted it. Ever since, I'm totally focused on my partner's pleasure, not my own. Even my fiance asks me what I like, and what I fantasize about, I just don't know. I've tried all kinds of crazy things in college and beyond, but nothing I particularly eager to redo. I just want regular sex to be satisfying, especially when it comes to my most intimate relationship with my partner. I don't feel comfortable having a watching

masterbate, and I worry the sheets getting dirty when he goes down to me. I think that because I see my fiance as a source of comfort and familiarity, I put it in a box and there's no room in there for sexuality. I want to remove that box to make our sex life healthy and whole but I'm at a loss. My greatest worry is that I'm not even married yet and the sex is tired. I hope you can help. Thank you for reading. All right Becca, thanks for your question and I understand why your fiance has suggested that you come to me for some sex advice because this is a lot of the stuff that we talk about on the show. Have you listened to this podcast before because I think if you start to listen, you're going to see that where your at is really, really common. I mean, a lot of us, especially if you have a vulva, do not have a

road map or never given a road map and how to have healthy sex, how to enjoy sex. A lot of sex has been performative as you're talking about just doing it to please your partner but never doing it for your own self and your own body and your own pleasure. So it sounds like there's a lot of different things going on here. But what I like about your email and your question is that it sounds like you're ready, you're really ready for a change. This just might be your sexual awakening. This is the time to start exploring because your sex life, our sex life, everyone's sex life is not static unless we choose to never pay attention to it. At any point in our life we can decide that we want something new and we want to try something different and that we're not satisfied where we're at and we want to see where we can really have

more pleasure. So first, what was your upbringing like around sex? What were the messages you got? What are your earliest sexual memories? How was it talked about at home at school? Because when you say you don't want to watch you masturbate and you've put your relationship in a box and he's a source of comfort. It just sounds like maybe there's been some earlier messaging around sex.

So it's important for us all to kind of address that and think is what I heard about sex and what I believe about sex still true for me because you get to decide right how you want to view sex and it sounds like you want to have a healthy sex life with your partner. And it also sounds to me like maybe you haven't communicated with him as deeply as you can about these concerns. You could let him know that when he asks you, you're not sure what you're into, but you'd love to figure it out with him. Manipulate that we have to be the ones that show up with solutions and so much easier to work with a partner and the two of you decide where we are with our sex life And literally what is our state of our union our sexual union?

And where do you want to go going forward? And I think that it sounds like he you know listens to the show and he wants you to figure it out But again, this is going to be something that I have really incurred you both to do together You could download our yes-no maybe list which is on our website Which is a free download that you two can start to explore, different things that you might be into, and even just a review of like, what all the things that you're telling me,

because this is not something, you're 29 years old, and so this takes time. It's like, if you think about it, this could be day one. You're gonna really start to pay attention to your body. You're going to start to talk about sex and health your way. And regarding your zooloft, you know, that could certainly have an impact on your libido, a lot of medications do.

And so, if you've been on it since you were 14, I would definitely talk to your doctor and see if you can reduce the dose or replace it with another antidepressant which causes less sexual side effects. That's also an option. So I know that there's a lot of different things to unpack right here, but I do think that the most important thing is that you are asking the questions and that you're not happy where you're at and you'd like to change your sexual relationship really with yourself because it all starts with ourself. So I hope that you will continue to talk to your partner and continue to listen to the show because there's going to be a lot of advice in here and a lot of shows I think that will inspire you to educate the first step on this sexual journey.

So welcome to the show Becca and thank you so much for your question. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com

and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 talk sex. That's 559 825 5739. I'll go to sexwithemily.com-ask-emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.