Sex With Emily - Bonus Episode: Is Watching Porn Cheating? The Truth About Digital Betrayal

Episode Date: June 5, 2025

In this essential bonus episode of the Sex with Emily podcast, Dr. Emily tackles one of the most common and complicated questions in modern relationships: Does watching porn count as cheating? If you've ever felt that stomach-dropping moment when you discovered your partner's browser history, or wondered if your own porn consumption crosses a line, this episode is for you. Dr. Emily cuts straight through the confusion to reveal that there's no universal answer to this question—but if it's coming up in your relationship, there's something deeper worth exploring. The real issue isn't necessarily the porn itself, but whether this behavior is breaking trust and violating the agreements you've made with your partner. We explore why so many couples never discuss porn until someone gets hurt, how childhood conditioning around secrecy affects our adult relationships, and why the shame and silence surrounding porn often cause more damage than the porn itself. Dr. Emily also addresses when porn consumption can become genuinely problematic and offers practical guidance for having these crucial conversations. Key Topics Covered: Why there's no universal definition of cheating The difference between porn use and porn problems How secrecy and shame damage relationships more than porn Why many people never discuss boundaries until it's too late When porn consumption becomes genuinely concerning How to have honest conversations about digital boundaries Moving from assumptions to actual agreements This episode emphasizes that porn doesn't ruin relationships—it's the lack of communication, transparency, and mutual understanding that creates problems. Whether you're completely comfortable with porn or feel threatened by it, this episode provides the framework for having honest, productive conversations about digital intimacy boundaries. Show Notes:  00:00:00 - The moment of discovery: When porn feels like betrayal 01:30:00 - Why there's no universal answer to "Is it cheating?" 03:00:00 - The real issue: Trust and agreements vs. assumptions 04:30:00 - When porn becomes genuinely problematic 05:30:00 - How to start the conversation about boundaries Remember: Communication is always sexier than making assumptions and making your partner wrong. Join the SmartSX Membership : ⁠https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx  ⁠Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: ⁠https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ ⁠  Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!:https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: ⁠https://sexwithemily.com/ ⁠Let's get social:  Instagram ⁠https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/⁠  X ⁠https://twitter.com/sexwithemily⁠ Facebook ⁠https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily⁠ TikTok ⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily ⁠ Threads https:⁠//www.threads.net/@sexwithemily   ⁠ Let's text: Sign up here ⁠https://sexwithemily.com/text 

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What's going on here? I'm Dr. Emily Morse and today we're digging into one of the most common and complicated questions I get. Does watching porn count as cheating? Spoiler alert, there is no universal answer to this question. So here's the real question underneath it all. Is this behavior breaking trust in our relationship? Because cheating isn't just physical. I mean, sure your partner could have an affair with someone else. We might all say, yes, that is cheating or they kiss someone else.

So basically it's anything that violates our relationship. So if you're cheating, you're breaking trust. If you're cheating, you're breaking trust. If you're cheating, you're breaking trust. If you're cheating, you're breaking trust. If you're cheating, you're breaking trust. relationship because cheating isn't just physical. I mean, sure your partner could have an affair with someone else. We might all say, yes, that is cheating or they kiss someone else. So basically it's anything that violates the agreements you've made with your partner. And for a lot of couples,

porn has never been talked about until someone gets hurt. So in your mind you have this assumption, like we decided, didn't we? When we walked down the aisle together and we committed that porn obviously is cheating, but if you've never talked about it, is it cheating? Is it a problem? If one person sees porn as totally normal and the other one sees it as a betrayal, BOOM! You're already in a very, very gray area. But listen, I get it.

If your partner's porn use stings, it's probably just not about the videos. It might be triggering things like insecurities. Does my partner want to be someone who looks very different than me? Maybe I'm not doing enough for my partner. That's why they're watching porn because I'm not satisfying and I'm not enough. Or maybe they're leaving me. Maybe they're trying to find another way to have sex and they're actually going to abandon me altogether.

And I totally understand those feelings. Your feelings are totally valid. But on the flip side, porn is also often used to explore fantasies, to decompress. Many people are watching porn before they got into the relationship and they're watching it in the relationship because it's a stress reliever. It's a lone time. It's time to just kind of relax, to release and to get into our bodies alone.

For many people, it is not at all. For most people, it's not about replacing their partner. It's about personal pleasure, which we all deserve personal pleasure. Still, if it does feel secretive, that's where it starts to feel like a betrayal. Like if it's hidden or they say they're not doing it and it's not because of the porn itself but because of the lack of

openness. So here's the truth. Porn only becomes a problem when it's mismatched with your partner's expectations. That's one of the ways it becomes a problem. So instead of asking is it cheating? Ask, have we ever defined what cheating even means in this relationship? Because I'm starting to have feelings that there's something wrong here, but we probably just need to define our values and our boundaries. Now some people are super cool with solo play. They're like, yeah, you do you.

That's your time alone. I love that you have a release without me. And others want to share fantasies or watch porn together. And some want it off the table entirely. And there's no right answer. There's only your answer together. The two of you coming together and having conversation about all of these things. And if porn has become a source of tension, the solution isn't shame.

It's not making your partner feel worse. It's not trying to catch them in a lie. It's not making your partner feel worse. It's not trying to catch them in a lie. It's not putting trackers on all of their browsers. Like none of that. It's a conversation. So you can start with, what does porn mean to you? Tell me more about your porn watching.

How do we want to set boundaries about this? How can we talk about this without judgment? Because porn doesn't ruin relationships. It's the secrecy and the silence and the shame. That's what ruins relationships. It's like telling your partner, oh no, I never watch porn, but you are all the time. Or yes, porn can become problematic if we need porn to be aroused. Individually people can have problems with porn if they watch so much porn that they have consequences. So does watching porn cause us cheating? Maybe, maybe not. But if you're asking the question, I can tell you this,

it is time for a conversation. Talk about your design of a conversation. You're not going to be able to do that. You're going to be able to do it. You're going to be able to do it. You're going to be able to do it. You're going to be able to do it. You're going to be able to do it.

You're going to be able to do it. You're going to be able to do it. watching porn, caught us cheating? Maybe, maybe not. But if you're asking the question, I can tell you this, it is time for a conversation. Talk about your desires. Talk about your discomfort. That's where the real stuff happens when you're vulnerable and you're open. And talk about what trust and pleasure actually looked like for you and your partner. Because at the end of the day, communication is always sexier than just making assumptions and making our partner wrong. So if this brought up questions for you, drop a comment, like the video and don't forget to subscribe. I'm Dr. Emily Morse and I will see you next time.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. If you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave it a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or partner. It just might spark something. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, TikTok, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. And I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at SexWithEmily.com for free guides, articles, and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Have a question about sex, dating, or relationships?

Call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX, that's 559-825-5739, or leave a message at SexWithEmily.com slash ask. And hey, was it good for you? Email me anytime at feedback at SexWithemily.com slash ask. And hey, was it good for you? Email me anytime at feedback at sexwithemily.com. I'd love to hear what you're thinking.