Sex With Emily - Boss in the Streets, Sub in the Sheets

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

Let’s get sexually adventurous, people. On today’s hotline calls show, you’re bringing the novelty, and I am one hundred percent here for it. Jumping right in: can you use the same sex toy with multiple partners? Let’s find out. If you’re in your 20s and hooking up with a much older woman, is that ok? Or what if you’re all about female empowerment, except you ARE a female, and you DO want to be choked and spanked in bed? Finally: there’s a first time for everything, so should you tell a partner that you’ve never had penetration before? Or what if you’re married, and ready to experience your first open relationship – except your spouse isn’t on-board? All this and more on a particularly juicy hotline calls show.Show Notes:Shop Page Vesper Vibrator NecklaceBellesaSex, Porn & (Erika) Lust No Shame, Just Sex w/ Erin Tillman Opening Up by Tristan TaorminoThe Ethical SlutOpen Deeply It’s Open (Relationship) Season w/ Dr. Wednesday MartinOrgasms & Oral (No Penetration Required)First Date, First Orgasm, First Threesome  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rough sex and desiring rough sex can actually coincide with being a feminist because you're actually choosing, you're in control. It's actually empowering arguably more powerful than a giver because you all have rough sex and if you're playing the submissive, the love of an owner is in power. Like even if you're choosing to relinquish your power and say, you're in control, that's your power. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

All right, let's get sexually adventures people. On today's show, you're all bringing the novelty and I'm 100% here for it. Jumping right in. Can you use the same sex toy with multiple partners? Let's find out. Or if you're in your 20s and hanging up with a much older woman, is that okay? Or would if you're all about female empowerment, except you are a female, and you do want to be choked and spanked in bed? Finally, there's a first time for everything.

So should you tell your partner that you've never had penetration before? Or what if you're married and ready to experience your first open relationship? Except your spouse is an onboard. All this similar at a particularly juicy hotline call show. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, join me in sending an attention for the episode. I do it. I encourage you to do it. My intention is to show you how satisfying and pleasurable your sex life can be. If you can learn to truly explore what turned you on and learn how to talk about it with a partner. Point to do that, there will be nothing holding you back. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

My new article, Seven Miss of Nominatimi, is up at sectotheemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, Social Media, and TikTok. It's all at sectotheemily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask you questions, no problem to leave me your questions or message me at sectotheemily.com slash askemily. Or call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex, or 559 825 5739.

Just leave your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show, and totally cool to change your name to remain anonymous. Hi, my name is Tino. I'm a 29-year-old non-binary person calling in from Colorado. And I had a question about using the same vibrator for multiple partners. I'm polyamorous, and I was recently hanging out with some Tino friends, and I was talking about getting like a best burl,

like a little necklace vibrator, just so I could have that on hand, you know, if anything ever gets spicy. And they were all like, oh, no, like you can't use the same toy on multiple people. And I was really curious to hear a perspective from an expert about that, like the do's and don't. Like even if you sanitize things, if it's kind of taboo to do so, thank you so much. All right, Tino. Thank you so much for your question, and I love this question because you know,

there's a lot of us who are experiencing more with multiple partners. And what are you supposed to do? Get a toy for every partner that you meet, but I understand this is not as commonly known that you actually can share toys across partners because there's such a stigma with it. To be honest, I was there before too. I was like, oh my god, I don't want you to whip out a toy that's been in someone else's vulva or someone else's anus. Ooh, and it doesn't feel personal and it kind of gets you out of the mood. But here's the truth of the matter is that there are some risks. Okay, let me just say this. There are risks of sharing toys like you can get an STI if you don't clean

the toys properly, but listen, if you clean your toys before and after, remember, you have to clean your toys again, even if you clean them last time they can collect dust, which could also contribute to infection. And then you store them, you're going to be fine. Now, to be extra safe, you can use condoms with your toys and make sure you use the right kind of cleaner for whatever the material is. You can buy a specific toy cleaner. We have some on our site in our shop. Or you could just use a damp cloth with some regular hand soap. But here are some cleaning basics. Any time you get semen or vaginal secretions or fluids, anything on your body part or a device device that can be spread to other people.

So this can be a hygienic or safety concern. So body-safe devices though, like vibrators, are made from non-porous materials that can be sanitized, right? Like silicone glass, you know, pyrex stainless steel. So again, you want to clean before and after. So since these are

non-porous materials, you're going to be okay with the right cleaning. Another thing you can do is separate them from, you know, in plastic containers or in cloth bags, which is another way to cut down on them, touching each other. So if you are concerned about multiple devices, you could take a day and decide which toy belongs to you. But I really, really think that if you have a conversation with your partners, you let them know that it's clean that you're seeing other people, because if you're a poly, they know this as well.

They know they're probably seeing other people that it's just a matter of getting over that hump of like, ew, are they sanitized or they clean? And I think once you assure them that you're taking proper measures that, you know, these toys are clean and sanitized, you know what to do, then maybe they'll be able to relax and get out of their head and into their body when you're playing with them with all these wonderful toys. Really just a matter of communication

and being hygienic. Oh, and I totally recommend that you get a vesper. In fact, if you go to sexwithamlee.com slash vesper, I have my own vesper. It's a limited edition Vesper that says SWE on it and you can get three phrases. I come first, turn me on or meditate, masturbate, manifest. You can get it in rose gold, silver or gold. So why not give the sex family Vesper? For those of you who don't know what a Vesper is, I realize I don't think I've talked about it in a while. It is a vibrator necklace. That's right, it looks like a little pen that you wear right in your neck, but it's jewelry and it's beautiful and I get so many compliments on it,

but it's also a vibrator. And yes, it works, it's waterproof, it's rechargeable, and it is such an incredible gift for everyone in your life. Who likes orgasms. Alright, thanks for your question, Tina. I appreciate it. Hey Emily, this is Bobby from Chesapeake, Virginia, and I'm 27 years old. And my question for you, Emily, is I have been getting with a older woman.

She has kids. She has a 16 year old and a three year old. I am like the happiest I've ever been because in my age, millennials don't have the drive that I have. I found that in this older woman and she's beautiful and it's the best sex I've ever had, but is it wrong? Is age just a number?

Listen to you show all of Tom, thank you. Bye-bye. Thank you so much for your question, Bobby. You sound so happy, Bobby. And I totally get why this is so exciting for you. Being with an older woman is incredible. Especially as a young man. Gosh, what we've learned, how we know our bodies, how

we know the advocate where we want. There is nothing like a woman in her sexuality and an exessee, especially a woman who knows herself, right? So I get it. And I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think you are having a wonderful experience right now that you will remember for the rest of your life. You're probably going from it.

She's getting a lot from it. But there have been studies that have shown that a 10 years or fewer years is ideal for an age gap. And when you get into 10 years or more, there's just poses more challenges. You grew up in a different generation. You have different values. You might want to have kids. She's already had her kids. It can be just hard to relate with the day-to-day life challenges and life experiences when there is such a massive age gap. It's not that it is wrong anyway. It just shows that we like to kind of be with people who like to do the same things that

we like to do is we can older our goals might be different. So think about it. Like, what do you both want first? Have you talked about it? Is it a short term relationship? Is it a long term relationship? Maybe it just kind of a fun fling right now. That's great. But if it's long term, have you talked about what your goals are? Do you want the same things? Because the end of the day, that's

what relationships are about. You know, she won't retire in 15, 20 years and do you want to continue to work? Do you guys like to spend your weekends in the same way? Can I just say that? I think such a great test of knowing if a partner is compatible with us is like, do we both have the same idea of a perfect Saturday? If we have a Saturday that's free, do we want to do the same things? Think about those things. And the children thing we've already covered that. If you want children, I'm pretty sure she's probably already done having kids, although I don't know. And if your friends and family met her, now I'm not saying you need to go off with with what your friends family think, but I think it's important to just kind of bring her around people that you love and meet her people and just see

like any other relationship. Do we get along? Do we like each other's friends and family? Do they support us? So again, I don't think that this is inherently right or wrong. A lot of times our chronological age is over than our perceived age. Like I definitely feel like I'm 20 years younger than I am. And maybe that's really what matters. Maybe your energetic age is more compatible right now. So maybe you guys do have a lot of great interests that are shared. I wouldn't overthink this. Sounds like you have a great time and you're really into it. But continue to have

your eyes open and have those conversations and make sure that you guys are continuing to be on the same page while also enjoying this really fun, less full, exciting phase. So studies have shown that heterosexual couples with large age gaps had a faster declining relationship satisfaction in the first six to 10 years of marriage

than similarly age couples. So couples with an age gap of one to three years with a man older than the woman were the most common and had greatest levels of satisfaction. And then relationship satisfaction decreased for couples with age gaps of four to six years and continued to decrease for couples with an age gap of seven or more years. So those are the stats, but also I really want you to do you and pay attention to what works for both of you right now. Alright, thanks for your question. It's a great one. I'd love to hear from all of you. Are you in relationships with an age gap that is actually working for you or didn't work for you and why? I'd love to hear from you.

Hi Emily. My name is Brittany. I'm 38 from Phoenix. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. so we have been experiencing in the bedroom. Just a quick question if this is normal or not. However, I am a feminist. I do not like disrespect with women and all of that horrible stuff that comes along with porn and stuff. We do like to enjoy watching porn together. Sometimes it turns me on, but how do I help myself the next day when I'm feeling embarrassed or guilty or embarrassed for the things that I said during intimate moments because in general life I don't feel that way.

I don't say maybe I wanted a little bit of rough play or I need a comment about something that turned me on in the moment but the next day I kind of have some regret. Which curious how I can work through that because it kind of alters how the night goes because we'll get stuck in my head when I try not to. Ain't you have a great day? I love this question, Brittany. This is such a great question. I love this question. You're saying, like, how can I be a feminist? Like, how can I ask for equal pay and also to be choked in the bedroom? Like, how can I say I want equal rights and I want to be spank sometimes?

Like, well, how does that work as a woman? It is very, very confusing, especially as a feminist. Let me just reframe this for you because I get it. It's really confusing. You're like, how could I have acted that way? And I really care so much about my rights. And I'm so respectful of women. And I don't really agree with porn. And it's confusing.

But what I want to tell you this is, remember that you have agency over your body. That means that you are in control over your body. That means that you are in control of your body. You have choices. You guys decide what feels good to you, what your turn-ons are. And I've got to tell you this. Rough sex and desiring rough sex can actually coincide with being a feminist because you're actually choosing. You're in control. It's actually empowering, arguably more powerful than the giver, because you all are rough-sex,

and if you're playing the submissive, the vulva owner is in power. Like, even if you're choosing to relinquish your power and saying you're in control, that's your power, right? And it's all in the sake of your pleasure. So to me, the most empowered thing in the world is a vulva owner who says, this is what I need. This is what I want. There's no way we're going to be doing any of this rough talk outside the bedroom. But in this moment, for my eroticism and my desire,

this is actually your requirement right now for my arousal. Because again, rough sex is your choice. Maybe in some of the porn you're seeing, you're feeling like, oh, is there a choice? Or does she really like that? That's why I often recommend more ethical porn, like I love the Lesa or the films by Erica Lust. But like rough sex is pushing boundaries that you have created for yourself. So do you see what I'm saying to reframing it? Like you've decided, you have agency over this, and you also are dating a partner who is equally respectful of your boundaries. And he's also saying, I'm gonna be a bore for what you want because I respect you and I am all about your pleasure

and what you require to be turned on. Let's talk about the opposite of this. Like what kind of sex is not for feminists? It's if someone was telling you, this is how it should look. This is what you need to be doing. Sex is more performative. Sex is more about your partner's pleasure. We were like, I'm just going to let him time me up because it's what he wants.

But it doesn't actually feel good to me. You know, sex that isn't consensual, sex that isn't negotiated beforehand. So I feel like you are in a relationship right now with a partner who is all about collaborating, consenting, and working together to co-create a beautiful experience. So really, I would love you to be able to enjoy this experience without apologizing for it and just kind of reframe this is saying like, wow, this is actually the most feminist empowering thing

I can do is to be in charge and in control of my own desires and my own fantasies. Now, nothing to think about is like, are there other areas in your life where shame has come up, where you feel you have a shame over in the morning. That's what I like to call these things when we wake up in the morning. We're like, I feel so bad about that one night stand, or I feel so bad about what I did, which is really, really common. And then I like to look at shame. I like to drill down on shame and say, well, where's this come from? We're also by

feeling shame in my life. What's the root of this shame? And usually we find the root of the shame, it's because we are violating some invisible boundary that we didn't even plant there, could have been planted by a religious figure in your life for your caregivers that said sex is wrong. You shouldn't have sex, you shouldn't do these things, but we create stories or a head that actually robbed us of pleasure, like to call it your pleasure thief.

We did a great podcast, which you can listen to called Best of No Shame Just Sex with Aaron Tillman. This is going to break it down for all y'all who's still holding on to shame in the bedroom. Let's just let it go. So check out that show. I think that will be helpful for you. Hope this kind of gives you a reset of reframes so you can continue to have sex on your terms that feel the most pleasurable and exciting for you. All right, thank you so much, Brittany, so appreciate your call. When we come back, I'm answering a question from Rachel, who's wondering how she can explore her bisexuality in a heterosexual marriage. Hey, my name is Rachel. I am 31 years old from North Carolina. I just had a question. So,

I have been with my husband for six years now. I'm a best sexual woman and he is aware. Recently we've been having conversations about me sleeping with other women. I haven't slept with a woman since we've been together but last year I met a guy and I just felt very attracted to him and since we have been together I have never felt like this before. I felt crazy you know just, just like, oh my God, I really want a sleepless person. Like this is a normal and they're felt like this, like a Mary, the law. And I told this to my husband and I feel like I would really like the idea of having an open relationship.

But we talked about it a couple of times that he just thinks marriage is supposed to be a man, woman, together forever. And I don't really know if that's realistic thinking about it. I mean, I guess for some people, but I don't know. I just have a lot of feelings about all this, and I feel like every time I try to talk to him, I think something's especially, and I'm not that fly for months, I haven't even really brought it up. I don't know, I just wanted to know some ways or resources on how I can approach this topic

without coming across this to she. It is something that I would like to explore and not just with women but with men as well. Thanks, bye. All right, Rachel. So, okay, well, thank you so much for your question. I think this is really going to be so relatable and so helpful for others. I can't tell you how many people I'm hearing from lately. You remember I have here almost two decades of doing this work here with sexual memory. I realized in recent years I'm hearing a lot more from couples who are talking about being more open in their relationship, being a little more flexible. Both partners are talking about opening up or wanting to be bisexual.

So I think it's really great that you are recognizing this and advocating for what you desire. So you said you haven't subred the woman since you announced you were bisexual, but you met a guy and you're attracted to the guy. And so now you've talked to your husband about opening it up and he's just like, you know, gosh, no. And I'm telling you that side note,

I would say the majority are many open relationships that I know about that are successful because those are the ones I want to tell you about started with one person being into it and one person being like hell no. There are zero ways that I am going to be in a relationship with my partner I love sleeping with anyone else. I don't care what their body parts that is they know. I did not sign up for this and I'm out.

But I've also found though is after a little more time and communication and thinking about it, what it actually looks like, that for the couples where being open is a fit, they can make this work. Because really it's about strong communication, like super healthy communication. In fact, it's over communication. And the couples that I've found that are non-monogamous relationships, open relationships, swinging, they practice this rigorous honesty and exhaustive communication that allows them to navigate jealousy, boundaries, desires, just feelings and rules and all the things that go along with having open relationship.

So the most important thing here is to kind of slow down the conversation. I wouldn't, I'm not thinking to please be pushing actually being with someone else right now, but exploring why you want this relationship. What do you think it'll do for you? Like the thing is, a lot of our partners might just say, nope, I'm not into it, because what they think is like, how would I be able to handle this excruciating jealousy

of you being with someone else? And so that's just where they just say no. But once you start to think about and talk about it, what it might actually look like, like perhaps it would be every time you were someone else he was there and maybe he finds like, oh, that's something I'd really be turned on by, especially if you didn't go home with a person or you didn't make out with a person. Couples with healthy alternative relationships tend to negotiate what feels good to them and they are often updating those rules. So for example, couples might take penetration off the

table, they might take sleepovers off the table, they don't want anyone in their friend group or they do want someone in their friend group or how you make somebody. There's a lot of other ways to slice this. But if this is really something that you feel like is a non-negotiable for you, you know, a couple of counselors could really help you as figure out where you stand and if it can work. And I'm also wondering how your sex life is overall. Actually, that is the most important thing because this is not a fix for a stale sex life. Opening it up, having a threesome, bringing in another person is not going to rekindle a lost sex drive or a boring sex life. It's just not. It's going to come from

a place where you guys are in a really solid place. You're exploring, you're open, you're communicating desires and you're communicating fantasies and you're in like a really great place. And the reason why like a really great place. And the reason why open sounds really great to you is because it's going to be additive. You're going to start to experiment with other lovers and be able to talk about it. And as a result of that, that's going to turn you on where couples get to a place called Compersion. And Compersion is a place in a relationship where you actually are aroused and turned on by your partner's pleasure because you love them so much that you want their fantasies to be met. You want them to live the

sex life that they desire, that they crave. Now again, you're not there yet. We're still getting you guys to be on the same page about this. But since you are married to your partner and might take a little work, I would recommend going into couples therapy, but also there are some great resources. There's some great books that I also recommend. I recommend Opening Up by Tristan Terramino.

I recommend The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton. I recommend a new book by Kate Lory called Open Deeply, a guide to building conscious, compassionate, open relationships. So however you always learn together reading some books, educating yourself around what it would mean to be open, it's going to be crucial here. Because you neither one of you have done this before, your partner might feel threatened and very unsafe and we don't want that right? Let's work this through with your partner in a very conscious, deliberate, heart-felt way where it's not about your agenda or his agenda. It's about you guys saying, you know what? Let's not even talk about labeling it, but let's figure out how we can deepen our intimacy, become better lovers and excellent communicators so we can figure out where our sex life and our relationship is going in

our next chapter. If your relationships are constantly evolving and growing, which they should be, they are living, breathing entities, that's what happens. They die. So continue to grow together, continue to explore and's what happens. They die. So continue to grow together, continue to explore and see what happens. I think you're gonna like it. This is for all of you. Have you all talked about your sex lately? Have you talked about your relationship? I love the ideas of relationships for renewing contracts every

few years and having like, here's our commitment to each other for our sex life, our intimacy, how we're gonna prioritize pleasure,, how we're going to grow as lovers. I mean, talk about that stuff before you walk down the aisle. Please, please. I beg all of you. Hi, my name's Annelise. I'm 26 and I live in Virginia. I am a civil virgin.

I have never been in a series relationship before and I'm really kind of diving into the dating game and dating apps and wanting to have sex with the person I felt ready to have sex and now that I'm ready, I'm like kind of eager to just do it. I guess my question is how open should be with guys when I'm meeting them about the situation. Sure, I just want them to know right off the bat like, hey, I'm a virgin. I'm looking to have sex and just experience it. I masturbate as and I'm comfortable with that. I understand by body and about orgasms, but I've just never

involved another person. And so that's kind of my question about just approaching it and how to handle it with facts. So thanks. Bye. Amalie, thank you so much for your question. And let me tell you this, totally acceptable, totally cool, okay, to have waited, to have sex until now.

I'd like to eradicate the word virgin from the lexicon and use sexual debut. Because virgin is sort of throwback, or women were like losing their virginity or giving up their virginity, but I like to think it was like, this is your debut. This is the time that you're stepping out and you're saying, hey, I'm open for business. Who gets to come into my store? Who's going to come in and please me and have this experience? Who's going to be the lucky person? It's an exciting time that you're ready.

I love that you've been exploring your body, that you masturbated, that you understand what feels good, and now you've decided that you are ready. And let me just tell you this, that there's so many people who aren't ready and they do it because they feel like, oh, I better do it for good at college. I'm just gonna grab some random person and do it. It's a very common scenario that I hear from. So I do not think that you should just do it. I'm not sure you didn't mention it this, but there might be a little bit of shading or concern that you're gonna be judged because you're 26 years old. And I just want to say, well, first, I'm hearing from a lot more people

who are waiting longer to have sex until they're ready, which I love, right? I love that it's a lower pressure situation. I think it is more acceptable. But also, there are several things to be ashamed about that you actually had agency over your decisions and your body and you made a decision based on where you were in your life,

what you wanted, you lived a full life, you've done other things, and now you're ready. To me, that is so sexy and so empowering and so powerful. To be that woman who's like, you know what, wasn't ready before, now I am. Let's see what this is all about. It's a very different way of thinking about rather than, oh my god. I'm embarrassed. I'm sorry I've been done yet. Who says you should have done it already? Like where are the rules that you should already have had sex by certain age? Listen, it's 2022 and we all get to decide what feels good for us, what doesn't, where we want to be in our sexuality and in our experiences and mostly this is about communication and feeling good about where you're at and celebrating

the fact that you were able to really honor your own process. And I think that is really admirable and really inspiring. I think you want to make sure that you're with someone that you feel safe with and that you trust. Not to let the fear come in a partner for the rest of your life. But there have been actually studies that have shown that people who just do it have some regret later. It doesn't feel as satisfying. And it does pleasurable. Because if you're just doing it and silence, you're not telling the person that this is a really huge moment

for you and you're not sharing that. It can be very, very lonely. So what I'm saying is I don't think that having sex for the first time should be something you just check off the list. I want you to be more purposeful and intentional about it. Take time getting to know people, meet people out in the world, see if there's someone you actually connect with

or try the apps, and definitely start dating and flirting, and there's just no rush, right? You're 26 years old, and now you know you're ready, but it doesn't mean it has to happen tomorrow. And I know why you do rush into penetrative sex either because remember, the majority of all the owners aren't gonna even orgasm penetration.

I'm not saying so about orgasm, but I just want you to feel the pressure until you're ready for it. You can check out my previous podcast, orgasms and oral, no penetration required, which really, really digs into these ideas. So you can feel pleasure at any stage of your journey. And you can also check out another podcast, first date, first orgasm, first threesome for

more info on this. So I want you to know that through dating and meeting potential partners and just feeling a little bit safer with someone knowing they're actually a good person. It's going to make sure this experience is a lot more enjoyable for both of you. And I recommend sharing that you haven't had sex yet with a person. I'm not into don't tell a person because it's a secret.

I mean, come on, it's a really big deal. And you want to be someone who's gonna celebrate with you, hold space for you, and be a great partner in this really exciting experience. Make it feel as pleasurable and safe and memorable satisfying as possible. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast

and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.