Sex With Emily - Break Your Bad Dating Habits

Episode Date: July 29, 2022

Do you always have sex on the the first date? Do you always swipe right on people who aren’t good for you? What are your bad dating habits – and how can you break them?I asked you to tell me what negative dating patterns you’re trying to change, and you all delivered! On today’s show, I’m addressing your top dating problems so we can solve them together. Having sex too soon, trying to “fix” less-than-ideal partners, fear of asserting yourself, having misaligned expectations, the tendency to audition people for the role of life partner – we’re covering it all, so you can feel empowered with new partners and have an amazing time with existing partners. Show Notes:Ask Emily: Tips for French Kissing Am I Dating a Narcissist? w/ Dr RamaniHow to Not Die Alone w/ Logan UryOrgasms and Oral (No Penetration Required) More About EMDR Therapy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Right down all the patterns, for example, I don't want somebody who doesn't follow through with their work. So if you don't know what that looks like, you can say, okay, well, I want somebody who makes it come in and sticks to it. So you just flip it. It's called flipping the script. You're going to have it all written down of what you actually do want, and that's the list I want you to focus on.

I want you to read this list. I want you to memorize this list. I want to use this as a morning affirmation. This is how I want to feel read this list. I want you to memorize this list. I want to use this morning affirmation. This is how I want to feel in a relationship. Then you'll be much more likely to not only attract those people, but the people who aren't available will no longer be your type. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So do as I've sex on the first date, you always swipe right on people who just aren't good for you.

What are your bad dating habits and how can you break them? I asked you to tell me what negative dating patterns you're trying to change and you delivered. So on today's show, I'm addressing your top dating problems so we can solve them together. Having sex too soon, trying to fix, you're trying to fix someone less than ideal partners, having to misalign expectations, the tendency to audition

people for the role of life partner, we're covering it all so you can feel empowered with new partners and have amazing time with existing partners. Alright, in Tentions with Emily, what's your intention for this show? What do you want to learn from this show? Well, my intention is to help you have the dating experiences you actually want. At the end of the day, a date is simply a focused amount of time where we get to spend a few hours bonding with another human. And by the energy that you show, I think you'll feel much more empowered to do exactly that without any of those bad habits getting in the way.

Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily Tips for French Kissing, is up at sexwithemily.com. Also check out my YouTube channel Social Media and TikTok. It's at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous.

Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Alright, let's get into your dating patterns and how we can help you create your ideal circumstances for meeting new people. So I went to Instagram and I asked you, oh, what bad dating habits are you trying to break? And you gave me so many amazing responses. And then I looked at them and I decided to focus on three of your biggest pain points and kind of organizing the three categories, but I will cover many other points in this show. So here's the three categories, see if you can find

yourself in here. The first one is your picker is off, your picker is broken, and this just means you have a habit of swiping right and someone you know isn't good for you. Or you're going to date with someone who seemed all right at first, but they present a lot of red flags, but you decide, you know what, I want to stick around I'm gonna try to make this work, or maybe another pain point. Your confidence is low. So this is when you get in this habit of picking yourself apart.

Before the date, during the date, after the date, worrying that you're not attractive enough, you're not funny enough, you're not interesting enough, not whatever enough. So this is not setting you up in a great way for dating because you're feeling like, oh, I better jump on this opportunity to date this person. Even if I can tell they're not right for me, because when will I get this opportunity again and I'm just not good enough?

This category is for you. Or maybe another point you're having sex too soon. I heard from a lot of you who just feel like, am I having sex too soon? When should I have sex? Listen, I don't have a rule about waiting until the third date to have sex. A lot of people have these rules like wait until you're committed. Wait until, you know, there's three months go by. But I heard from a lot of you who feel bad about the fact that you're having sex in the first date, but you just don't know how to slow it down or if you should slow it

down. Okay, so let's talk about all three of these big overarching dating pain points and that will answer your emails and your calls about specific dating quandaries. All right, so let's start with the Paker is Off-Crowd. Here's a sample of your Instagram responses I got from folks who are dealing with this issue. I get sucked in by love bombing. I always go for the bad boys.

I always go for emotionally unavailable types. Alright, I hear you. For this group in particular, here's what I recommend to break the habit. Well, first, understand it. So why do you go for emotionally unavailable people? So first, we all have a desire to be deeply loved. And the emotionally unavailable people are so attractive to us, right? Because they're unattainable and they're exciting

and they just keep us chasing and they keep dopamine going and the adrenaline and God, if we can only get them to love us. And this mimics an early childhood pattern that a lot of us have, especially from caregivers who may be born always present and giving us the love that we want, they are often making us feel like we need to chase their love and fight for their love for our caregivers love. But it might learn to you, you don't need to chase anyone and convince them to love you.

But you've understand that a lot of us are operating from these earlier places in childhood where emotionally unavailable people might be really, really attractive to you. It's this deep yearning to feel accepted and to feel loved. So that's a theory why many of you might be attractive to these people. And a lot of times let me tell you this, it might be that you're not as emotionally available. And I'm telling you, I had that hard realization that I actually was somebody who wasn't emotionally available to partners. I kept blaming my partners for not being available. And I realized I hadn't done a lot of my deeper work, which to me was really sorted out in therapy. I already know a few minutes in the show and I've already

mentioned therapy, because you know how much I love and recommend therapy. So when you're dating, think about this. Get clear on the kind of person and relationship you want. How do you want to be treated? How do you want to feel with this person? What are your non-negotiable? What would you never deal with in a relationship? This is really a values exercise. And once you write down, I want to be with somebody that makes me feel heard and Accepted and that prioritizes my needs and they're a great listener and they remember what I told them and they remember my birthday

And say, you know that this is how I feel with them That's really gonna help you when you come across somebody who doesn't make you feel that way That's why you got to write this all down. I'm telling you it is invaluable. You can I love journaling But you can write it in your phone and the notes You know just wherever you can easily access it right down the patterns that you want to break What are the patterns you want to break? Are you dating narcissists? Are you dating people who just make you feel like crap? Who say one thing and don't follow through with it right down all the patterns? And I get it sometimes it's a lot easier to write down what we don't want

But then when you look at what you don't want, for example, I don't want somebody who doesn't follow through with their work. So if you don't know what that looks like, you can say, okay, well, I want somebody who makes it come in and sticks to it. So you just flip it. It's called flipping the script. You're going to have it all written down of what you actually do want. And that's the list I want you to focus on. I want you to read this list. I want you to memorize this list. I want to use this as a morning affirmation. This is how I want to feel in a relationship. Then you'll be much more likely to not only attract those people but the people who aren't available will no longer be your type. I promise this can switch. Also, if this keeps happening and you feel like I've just dating the wrong people, date yourself

for a while. Sometimes if your picker feels broken, you know, you might feel like you have to be in a relationship. You have no choice in being a relationship and you in fact might feel anxious when you're not in a relationship. And I recommend this for everyone who's struggling with finding a partner and finding a relationship is take some time to be alone, get comfortable with your own company, get comfortable in your own skin, like learn to be your, get comfortable with your own company, get comfortable in your own skin. Like, learn to be your own best friend.

And I know that sounds cheesy, but if you are alone and you're constantly thinking like, why am I not finding somebody and why am I so uncomfortable? Well, if you don't want to be with yourself, it's going to be a lot harder to find someone else who wants to be with you too. So do this work first of learning to get comfortable with your own company. When you're on the dating apps, Face time somebody first before you go on to a date or talk to them first and listen to how they speak, have some deeper conversations with them. Are they using language you can relate to?

You know, when we hear somebody talk, answer our questions, we're getting really, really valuable data. So don't be afraid to ask questions like, and I love this question. So tell me be afraid to ask questions like, and I love this question. So tell me why your last relationship ended. What are you really passionate about? If you guys do this work ahead of time by talking to somebody, you're gonna get a lot of information,

especially if you listen. Because if somebody answers, why did they their last relationship end and they start going off and how horrible their partner was and their partner was crazy or did all these things and they're not taking any responsibility for themselves. Well, you just gathered some more useful information about this person that might not be the best fit for you. And then also during this phase time, are they asking you questions? Do they seem emotionally intelligent? You know, like your friends are, The people that you're attracted to,

spending time with, you know, just in a platonic way. So if they do come across someone you want to talk to and you feel good around and safe with, then you can go out and have a date with them in real life. The other area of date is I recognize as low confidence. And again, side note, I don't think that confidence is ever anything you arrive at. I think for many of us, it's a daily practice, our confidence ebbs and flows, but it's something

that we have to constantly be working on. But I'm just going to say for these purposes, these are the kind of statements I heard from you. See if this resonates. I struggle with negative self-talk while dating. I find myself dependent on my partner's mood. If they're mad, I'm mad. It's super toxic. Sign out that might be a sign of being in a relationship with a narcissist. You feel like you're very dependent on them. They're controlling your moods. And we have done great shows on narcissism.

You can check out our show with Dr. Romani. Another thing you said is you put the other person on a pedestal and you struggle with anxious attachment. Another thing is I self-sabotized, telling myself they would never like me when I wanted to ask someone out, so I just don't ask. So how do we tackle negative beliefs? I think the first thing with negative beliefs is noticing that you have them. This is not just a dating problem. This is a life problem. First, I would be to invest in internal work on yourself, you know, shore up that internal security first. Tackling negative beliefs and

therapy is also really helpful. I found also this affirmations and talking about it and having positive supportive things that you can say to yourself in the morning and about dating and repeating them. You know, I am worthy of finding love. I'm worthy of finding a partner. You know, I will find a partner who matches my spiritual, emotional, and physical goals and desires and just really getting clear on who that person is that you want to bring into your life. Like getting really clear on how it feels with them, what you're doing, and realizing that you deserve it and that the Negative beliefs are not the truth. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

The other thing about confidence is a lot of times there's a scarcity mentality that we have, you know, like I better date somebody right now, or there's not that many people out there, and this might be my last chance, and this might be the only person who's going to like me. That's a self-worth issue that you might see coming up in other areas of your life, as well, and you just might be trapped in other areas of your life as well, and you just might be trapped in a cycle of unsatisfying dates. So I think it's really important like with this particular pain point about confidence is that you don't have to audition to be likable. Dating is like making friends, so don't worry so much about being picked. A lot of people

lose their opinion of what they want and who they want in the process of dating because they're trying to press others. I hope this person likes me. Why didn't they like me? And it's all about them and it becomes less about you. And so it's like focus on like, do I actually like this person? Do I like them? Do I want to go on a second date with them? Are they right for me? If you think about like you're auditioning them, right? Do they deserve you? So this is just another like mentality flip that I think sometimes we're just like, I'm going to get this person. I'm going to get them to like me. You're like, I don't even know what I want this. So think about that. So let me just say these of general confidence tips here that just again, I think that confidence is a daily practice. So, surround yourself with positive supportive community. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Set goals with work, with your health, with travel. You know, have a beautiful, wonderful life that you feel good about, that you're confident. Do you like your career? Do you like your friends? Do you know, like the way you're moving through the world? And I think the more that we have a life

that we really love living and that we feel good about, that's going to really help with confidence. You're going to be proud of yourself and the part of the person that you are becoming. And so I think when we just have all these areas of our life that aren't feeling great, like you're not loving your job and you don't love your roommate

where you're living or you're home and everything just feels kind of blah It's really hard to go out and be like, but I'm really great. You should date me. I'm not feeling great So again, it's okay to also Take time off from dating It is the most valuable thing you can do is say you know what? I'm taking dating off the table I mean I did that for a year and a half during the pandemic. I said I'm not gonna think about it I'm gonna date right now. I'm not gonna date right now. I'm gonna focus on my business.

I'm gonna focus on my health and not gonna date. And I've done that other points in my life too. I used to call the mandatoryum, which is like a moratorium on men, and I would take like six months off and I'm not gonna date. And there's something wonderful that happens because you open up so much more space in your life, in your brain and time.

If you're not always thinking about swiping and dating, and am I going to meet someone I'm going to be alone? Like that bullshit. I think that the more you actually take some significant time and say, who am I as a single person? Who am I alone? What is my life about? How do we make it the most exciting and enriching

and satisfying life? Then you'll be more ready to go out there and date and find your person. You know, the more success you have with relationships, like there's even friend relationships and work, again, the more confidence you're going to have in life. And remember this, perfectionism, a lot of its experience, that you don't have to be perfect to date. In fact, guess what?

You're never going to be perfect. It's okay to go out and make mistakes and learn as you go. And let me say no to that perfectionism. It's always a good note and make mistakes and learn as you go. And let me say note about perfectionism. It's always a good note to hear that nobody's perfect. You're not perfect, you're never going to feel perfect. Ever. And nobody else is perfect either. So just go out and the more real you can be and the more yourself you can be, the less

you're putting on airs and trying to pretend you're someone else, the more likely you are to show up as your authentic self and attract more authentic partners who are like-minded and who want what you want. And if you want more, we did a great podcast with Logan Yuri how not to die alone. She talks a lot about perfectionism. And this might be you. You're somebody who's like, oh, I gotta wait till I lose 10 pounds a day. I'm gonna wait till I have this great job to date.

And then you just keep delaying, delaying, delaying, and guess what? You never date. So you wanna put yourself out there. You don't wanna wait for the perfect time because the perfect time will never arrive. Next category, sex too soon. Okay, so this is the crowd. You feel like you just have sex quickly and you do it for a lot of reasons. Maybe you do it because you think this is how you're gonna get you feel like you just have sex quickly and you do it for a lot of reasons.

Maybe you do it because you think this is how you're going to get someone to like you. Or maybe you just really want sex, but you have a shame over in the morning. You feel guilty about it. You regret it the next morning. To solve this pain point, I suggest taking a look at the circumstances so you can understand the pattern. What happens when you regret having sex right away? Too many cocktails. Are you worried that someone won't like you and you kind of needed to do it for them to accept you and to like you? What is the underlying

Root issue driving this happen? Is it societal? I hear from a lot of you think well I sort of have to sleep with somebody on the first date. It might be only chance I have and it's what's expected like maybe this person won't like me if I don't or how will I ever know again. You might have some beliefs around dating that need to be upgraded. You know, like software on your phone. Like they don't actually exist anymore.

I hear this one a lot of you like, oh, I thought that I needed to do that, right? You know, I thought that you have to call someone back right away. There's always like outdated rules that people have about dating. Like who pays and who asks for this or that. And a lot of that's changed. It's 2022.

So make sure that your rules are your rules and not some societal, throwback fake rules that aren't your own. Make your own personal rules. These few things have to happen before we have sex. I'm going to get into this more when I get into your questions, but let me just say this is that if you don't feel great after you sleep with someone right away, then the easy fix here is like, just go out with someone and make out with them. Make a decision that you just want to get to know them.

Because if the sex is meant to happen, and by sex I guess I mean penetration, that's how we often define it, is intercourse, is that it's gonna happen. If you and this person have a real enough connection, then you're gonna, you know, the second day it'll happen, the third day it'll happen, but what's the rush?

Might as well like have some anticipation until you see them again. It's okay to slow things down, listen to yourself, and start to look at your own patterns and figure out what works for you. You're somebody who constantly wakes up, you're like, I have a shame over, I regret over this. Guess what? It's just not for you and that is okay. In fact, this is all okay. It's really about understanding your drive, your motivation, and what really works for you. Taking the time to get to know someone before you have penetrated sex allows you to really explore pleasure and figure out like what do I actually like before I dump into sex.

Have some incredible orals, great make-outs, some sens messages. These sexes now have to be defined by penetration. In fact, I don't think it should be. I would love to change all that. You can also listen to our previous podcast, Organisms and Oral, no penetration required for more tips and information on this, because I love this concept of waiting. Especially again, you guys, if you're somebody who's like, I have sex with someone and I just fall in love, I got to touch, I can't handle it. That's just don't have sex.

Don't do it. So those are some common patterns that affect our approach to dating. And you may certainly find yourself held back in different realms. So here's a few more responses that stuck out to me from your Instagram responses about bad dating habits that are holding you back. A lot of you say you overshare personal details and the hopes of getting closer to the person and feeling more accepted. Some of you say you get committed

to someone who isn't committed to you. A lot of you say you keep dating dysfunctional people which kind of goes back to your picker being off. You're worrying too much on the superficial values which I get to a lot of us are like, I just want someone who's smart and funny and attractive. Well, okay, good luck with that because I'm telling you who doesn't. Who doesn't want someone who's smart and funny and attractive. Well, okay, good luck with that, because I'm telling you who doesn't.

Who doesn't want someone who's smart, funny, attractive and makes a good living and loves their mother or their family. Like, that's not gonna get you anywhere. What you need to do, what I always recommend is get really, really specific. What exactly do you want with a partner? What are their values?

What do they believe in? Do they want children? What are their relationships like? Do they have integrity? Do they want children? What are their relationships like? Do they have integrity? Do they, are they honest? How are they with money? How are they with kids? You know, like really get specific

and write down an entire profile. And the more specific you get, I mean, superficial stuff is important. It's okay if you know that you need to be with somebody with blonde hair and blue eyes. Like, I 100% want you to find that person. But you're much more likely to find the person when you paint the entire picture of who they are, who their values are, and how they move for the world. You might be somebody who's always

trying to save someone or fix someone. That's another thing that you all said. Well, I have a mind that if you're in that category and you're like, I always want the wounded bird, I want to save them. Typically, you're someone who is deflecting attention to yourself and you don't really look at your own issues because you're always going to find someone to fix. You're always going to find someone who needs your help, but until you actually look at your own self and fix yourself, you're going to find this being a huge problem in all of your relationships. Someone else that you're not able to communicate your needs. First step towards communicating your needs

is knowing that you are not communicating your needs. Write down your needs. Practice speaking your needs. Like what do you actually want and what is the fear on speaking your needs? Speaking your needs is so challenging, but the more you get clear on them, write them down, tell your best friend, tell your friends, say, this is what I really want my boyfriend,

my partner, my lover, my girlfriend, my wife, my husband, whoever it is. You practice that, and then when you see them, you say it, even if it's clunky, even it's like, I really need more date nights, and I need more affection, and I need you to show up on time, because that makes me feel like you are going to abandon me if you don't. Sure, somebody could say, wow, you're're really needy and that's way too much. I can't handle your needs Well, guess what they get to leave they're giving you information that they're never gonna be able to be there for you So I get it. It's hard for me to communicate my needs as well But the more you practice and get clear with them, then you're gonna be able to just

Suss out all the people who aren't working like let someone show you that they can't show up for you. It's a beautiful thing when someone's like, no, like I can't handle you. I can't do that for you. Or they judge you. Well, then like they just do the biggest favor in the world. Both that person off the island keep swiping and keep dating. A lot of you stick around longer than needed and hoping the person will change. People don't change unless they want to change.

You have to remember that. Nobody's gonna change unless they want to change. So you can't date on potential. I don't want you dating someone thinking that once they get that new job or once they move out of the house or once they get back on their feet or get over their breakup or whatever it is.

There's a million excuses we make for people's behavior that we don't really like. And then we put expectations on them without sharing to them that what we're hoping they're going to change. And just remember this, people don't change. They're not going to change because you want them to change, they're going to change because they want to change. I could keep going here, but I'm not going to, because I'm going to get into your questions

for us, because a lot of you said awesome questions. You also left me a voicemail. I love when you're doing this. We're going to start answering a lot more of your voicemails, a lot more of your questions. So thank you all. I'm going to take a quick break. When I come back, I'm going to get in. Hi, Emily.

So basically, I'm in college and I'm single. And I'm happy being single in the sense of I take good care of myself, I'm good on my own. But do I want a connection? Yeah, I do. So this year has kind of been like my bachelor right year meaning I hung out with quite a few guys. I mean quite a few for me. But it's always the same thing. We'll need it like a social event. Sometimes I use a little buzz, sometimes I'm sober. They'll come to my place out of the earth.

You don't sleep together. It's just like, we'll make out that's it. And then the next morning, typically I just lose interest. Or the one time that I like the guy, he wasn't interested in me. And this has happened seven times. And it's gotten to the point where my friends don't even ask me about boys anymore because they know the shelf life is so short. So I guess my question is, do I need to change my habit?

Because I was watching this movie and they said if you want things to be different, do things differently. And obviously I'm not getting the outcome I want. So am I the problem? Or is this just what being a young adult is all about? You've got to kiss some frogs. Let me know. Give it to me straight,

I can take criticism. Thank you so much, I love your show, bye. Thank you so much for your question. I totally feel them, picturing you up, you're going out, you're dating these guys, one after the next, and you're just not into them. And I get it, like this happens, I think that there's a lot of us also being in college.

You're out, you get buzzed, you meet someone, you wake up. How do you actually know if you're into somebody? If you're out drinking and you wake up in the morning, you're like, oh, they didn't offer to get me breakfast. So now I'm not into them. Like, what is the criteria that we're measuring this on? I don't think you have enough time and space to actually get to know people with the situation and the time of your life that you're in.

So I'm really curious about that space in between there. Like, what is happening? Do they do something? Do you realize something? Do you just get bored? Like let's just get really specific about that. And again, it could be that there was something already existing that you saw a red flag or something that you're like, I'm not going to look at it now because I just want to have sex or maybe you were drinking and you override, often we override ourselves when we're drinking or doing drugs. So that's just something also to pay attention to. I always hear people in college, they're like, oh, there's just no one dates

and just hooking up. And so I think when you get out of college, you're going to find that if you slow this process down and you decide, you know what, I'm only going to go out people for lunch dates. I'm going to FaceTime them first and screen them. I'm going to see if I can have a more in-depth conversation with person and get to know them. Is it someone that I actually like? I don't just like

like them when I'm drinking in their hot at a bar. Now, there's a lot to be said for attraction. We all want to be someone that we're attracted to, but I'm talking about a little bit more depth, a little bit of getting to know what this person's all about. So, is there a common pattern here? Like what changes for you? Like you meet these guys and you lose interest? Is there a common theme? Like, oh every guy I lose interest in, all of a sudden picks up his phone in the middle of sex, or every guy I'm interested in plays a certain sport. I mean, you only you know this, or is just that time passes and you get bored? Is it that you know, do you have an expectation in your head?

Get really specific and really clear about what's happening. This is fun you guys. Becoming an expert on our own dating patterns and our own ways of thinking about Relationships is what's going to get us out of it. So write down the patterns. Again, I think this is useful for everybody to journal write down what you look for in a partner. So you can be more sure and intentional when you meet people in the future. I get that you're in these cycles.

There's also something to attachment and fear of getting hurt and fear of being abandoned. So you just don't want to open yourself up, which is really common. It has a lot of different names, commitment, phobic, anxious attachment, avoidance, all the things. There's a lot of different things to call it. But it's all sort of saying the same thing.

And that is, if I open myself up to somebody, there's potential for me being hurt. And that fear is greater than my desire to find a partner. And for many people, that's how we live our lives. We literally go through life just letting people in a little bit. And once we start to feel something for them, we're going to attach, we close the door because we are afraid of someone leaving us. And that could come from earlier cycles of abandonment in your childhood by your caregivers, parents divorce, a death, someone leaving your first boyfriend. Something happened to you that was significant and made you feel

like you can't trust love and you can't trust your own heart. And for that, my friend, I recommend therapy and consciousness around your dating patterns. But I love that you're 21 years old and asking these really, really important questions because it's people who don't, it's been a lifetime tackling some of these same challenges. And right now you're recognizing it and you know you want more, you know you want depth and you want something a little bit different. I know you're going to find that. Hi, this is Ray. I'm 25 years old, female from Los Angeles.

My question is, how do you feel about having sex on the first date? Because I feel like I've been doing that lately, because I like being sexual. But I don't know, you know, thinking a little more long term eventually, like I'd like to date somebody. And eventually being a serious relationship again, right now I am just having fun, but do

you think like I should wait a little bit longer to have sex with these guys, or do you think it's fine? Like this is just a phase in my life that I want to be having sex on the first date, like that's fine, right? So yeah, let me know what you think. Thank you. All right, Ray, I want you to know that on the first day. That's fine. Let me know what you think. Thank you. All right, Ray, I want you to know that we get a lot of questions like this. There's a lot of people who have the same exact situation as you.

Maybe they think if I tell the guy that I want to build a deeper connection, it makes me feel like I want more than he does and I feel like I'm being needy. Just listen, there are no rules. It's up to you. You just have to know yourself and what you want. And I think that if you can wait, why don't you just try waiting? Anticipation can be really sexy if you're able to build it.

So if you're into connecting and building a longer term relationship, it's just so hot to like have something to look forward to. Especially if you're being just attachment because the dynamic, you know, between another person can definitely change if you have sex. So if you've more of an anxious attachment, you're going to feel like, why aren't they getting back to me? What does it mean? And it will like kind of rob you of the actual connection and able to really interpret it in a way

that might be healthy. So being really careful and being really intentional about how you date and how you connect with people, you may be your intention for dating and is I just want to meet someone that I have a connection with and that I feel attracted to. And I'd like to go out that person three times before it gets physical. Maybe that becomes your new philosophy of dating and try that out for a few months. Because then you can say, like, I'm trying to cultivate a longer term relationship and in knowing myself when I've sexed too soon or I'm not kind of confused about the rules with sex, I'm just going to try waiting. And this serves a great function because you'll get to see it. I actually tracked it to this person, which is great. But then you'll get to see, is this someone that I actually want to have a longer term relationship

with? Are they a good person? What are their values? And then you get to think about what are your goals and intentions in dating? You tell me that yours is to fight a long-term relationship, which is great. Some of our goals would be like, I actually want to learn to have sex with a lot of people. I actually want to experience pleasure in my body and I want to learn to ask for what I want. I want to learn to enjoy casual sex. I want more pleasure in my life and I don't care if it's a long-term partner. But I just want someone that I feel safe with, but it's not a committed relationship. So we all get to decide what kind of relationship we're looking for. You said that you really like being sexual, but you don't know. So I think it sounds like you've played with the being sexual.

And now you want to play with being less sexual and more intentional about finding a good person. So maybe that's your goal for the next few times you date. My best advice for all of you is just to be present, be intentional, be honest about who you are and how you feel in the moment. But when we learn to listen to our bodies, we watch our alcohol intake and our drug intake in a date with somebody and we learn to really be present, like what am I feeling right now? Am I actually attractive to this person?

Or am I feeling pressure? Or have I had too many drinks? That doesn't really matter. And I lose my inhibitions. Like what is actually going on? Because our body says some great intuitive wisdom that's gonna let us know, is this person the hell yes or a hell no?

And you'll know what bucket to put them in if you are present, conscious and intentional. All right, thank you so much for your question, Ray. I appreciate you. It's good to hear your voice. Hi Emily. This is Jay. I live in Los Angeles, California on 71 and I've had lifelong what Stephen Carter calls commitment phobia. I've never been able to really get close to anybody. So I don't know that that's a subject you've talked about before, maybe you have. That's my question.

I'm looking maybe for a therapist or how to deal with this, wondering if you have any suggestions or maybe just to live with it and work around it instead of try to break through it. Alrighty, thanks, bye. Jay, thank you so much for your question. I love that you are recognizing this issue.

I want to make a change right now in your life. I think we it's never too late to want to work on ourselves and make different choices. So I'm wondering if this is something that you've seen throughout your lifetime. Like, do you feel like it's been harder to commit to jobs, or to commit to homes, or even just friendships, or was it just in the areas of romantic love? Do you remember the first time you felt you couldn't commit?

Did you come from a childhood where there was a lot of commitment? Were you disappointed? Did your parent's separate, was there abandonment? Was there things going on? Because it's not that anything is wrong with you. It's that we all have conditioning that gets set up from a really young age. And it sounds like that has carried with you through your lifetime. And I don't think it's something you just have to accept and move on. Not even at 71. I highly recommend therapy. It's a really great therapy that could help you kind of release this fear,

because I actually do think it's a fear of commitment. And the flip side that is a fear of being abandoned and having your heart broken and someone leaving you and not loving you the way you want to be loved. And it sounds like now you've had enough of it. You're like, I'm 71 and I actually want to commit and I want to move through all the blocks and all the pain and all the circumstances in my life that have kept me from committed love.

And so I am your biggest fan right now. I want you to find that therapist. I want you to find that person that you can really work with and trust to help you move through this. So I would love to follow you on this journey. J. Keebe posted, it's great to find a therapist you can work with. Maybe there's some trauma therapy, some EMDR. The reason why I like EMDR therapy is because it allows you to, we call it trauma therapy, but I think trauma is such a loaded word. But sometimes it's just patterns.

It's like a pattern recognition therapy. It's going to help you like break that which is holding you back. So I'm all for you finding love, Jay, and I can't wait for it to happen. So keep me posted. I will be here for you. This is from Matthew 23. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a 20-year-old guy and I had a question regarding confidence, flirting, and charisma. For some context, I started with depression, and although I'm working out with a therapist and a psychiatrist, I still seemed to have trouble with self-esteem,

and it becomes worse around attractive women. I keep up with my fitness, I enjoy writing poetry, and I consider myself an emotionally and mentally intelligent person. But despite all that, I have been at a date in two years and I have it at sex in three, although I admit, I haven't tried very hard to find a date. How do I build up the confidence to approach more women to build flirting skills to ultimately become more charismatic? Oh, math, you sound really mentally intelligent

and emotionally intelligent. So I love this at 23, you are working on yourself, you know yourself, you sound really mentally and collagen and emotionally intelligent. So I love this at 23. You are working on yourself. You know yourself. You are so on your way to becoming a person you want to be. I promise. I feel this. So remember, it takes practice.

It takes time. It takes effort. And I don't want you to feel discouraged that you haven't had a date recently. You said you haven't been trying. And there's been a lot going on in the world where a lot of us have not been out there dating. You know, confidence is something that sort of ebbs and flows and I'm day to day, and I'm month to month.

And so, you know, you haven't been dating recently, so confidence or I'm dating would definitely be lower. I mean, that's why a lot of us are having social anxiety lately that we've never had before because we just weren't interacting with as many people. Few specific tips for you might be to one, just try dating apps. It could be a great way for you to just practice flirting online without the pressure of talking to someone in person. People love, hinge, or bumble, as dating apps right now are even tender, and you can just

start practicing getting your dating personality back or delivering your dating personality, asking questions, getting to know yourself. And then you find you like someone, meet them for a drink, meet them for, you know, lunch, have a FaceTime day and get to see if you really connect with someone. Another recommendation I have for you is just saying yes to all the events that you get asked to go to. Parties, events, meetups for areas that you're interested in. You know, doing things that are outside your comfort zone, tell all your friends that you're single, that you're looking to date someone to be fixed up with.

Because this is a practice, what you're asking for is confidence in meeting people, and I'm telling you, it's a muscle. If we don't use it, we lose it, and we've never used it, we don't have it. So when you're out there and you're meeting people and you're saying yes to events, and you're going out and dates, just remember it is a practice. It is like learning to flirt and communicate and just talking to someone and even talking to anyone. Also, I recommend practicing talking to people that you're not attracted to. Just somebody that's waiting next to you in line with the coffee shop, somebody who's on the bus next to you, somebody at a party before someone gets or just say hi.

So, who do you know at this party? What brought you here? How was your day? How about the weather? Doesn't matter. But those are the things that help build you more confidence because when we actually start having healthy conversations with others, whether attracted them or not,

that builds our confidence. So what I'm hearing here is just some practice. Because listen, you're also a writer. You write poetry, I'll bet you'll be an excellent text or conversationalist. And remember asking questions to somebody is also a big part of just connecting. So asking questions,

repeating back to them what you heard, you know. Oh, you're from Michigan, really? From Michigan, tell me more about that. I've never been there, what's it like? You know, just being interested, it's not so much about being interesting. I think people think it'd be so interesting and have all these things to say,

but oftentimes it'd be sort of a good listener. Also, before you go on dates, it's really important to have a pre-date ritual, especially if you get those first date jitters and concerns. So when you start going on dates again, have a list of affirmations, have a list of who you are and how you wanna show up

and all the wonderful things about yourself. I am deserving of love, I'm deserving of connection. You know, I have a great job, I know myself, I take care of myself. The more we can fill our brains with positive thoughts, it will counteract the negative ones, the limiting beliefs. It's like a diet, like it's like what you put in your body, like you are what you eat.

Well, if you're only chewing on negative limiting beliefs, that's who you're gonna become. But if you start filling your brain with positive things and beliefs and then knowing that you're gonna find that person, that you are a person that's deserving of this, then that's what you're gonna track and that you're gonna find. So for a lot of you who've emailed

and called with questions and just relates to you to Matthew, it's really just a matter of getting out of your own life. And just saying like, I'm gonna try it, it's gonna be uncomfortable, I might get rejected, you might feel hurt, you might feel like you're not enough. But the more we just keep moving forward with forward action and intention and dating and getting out there and meeting people and moving through the world and being social You're gonna get a lot more comfortable in your own skin and talking to people and Finding that person that you want to be with so to answer your question building the confidence to approach for women and build floating skills

It's gonna be by practicing being you your authentic self and Showing up wherever you can as that person. All Alright Matthew, thank you so much for your question. I appreciate you. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 your pleasure. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemleaf.com.