Sex With Emily - Breathe Your Way to Orgasm with Barbara Carrellas

Episode Date: March 2, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by sex coach and creator of Urban Tantra Barbara Carrellas to discuss all things tantric sex and how to get into it. Plus, how breathing alone can bring yourself to orgasm, ways to fuel your sex life with erotically constructive fantasies, and understanding sex as an exploratory experience than “getting off.” Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Womanizer, Karezza, Good Vibrations, Fleshlight, SiriusXM. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For more on Barbara Carrellas visit here For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Sex Coach and creator of Urban Tantra, Barbara Corellis, to discuss what Tantraxx is all about, and how anyone can get into it. Topics include, what exactly is Tantra? Well, it's not as woo-woo as you would think. How to bring yourself to orgasm by breath alone? Yeah, that's actually a thing and we're going to talk about it. Erotically constructive fantasies, better ways to fuel your sex life with your partner and yourself. And seeing sex as an exploratory experience rather than just a way to get off. All this and more, thanks for listening. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Betrubized, they call them a lie-gone age. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, though?

What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information check out sexwithemily.com. And you can also catch me on serious XM Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 Pacific on serious XM stars 109 for even more fun sex talk. You can get a free subscription at sexwithemily.com slash SXM and as always you can follow us on all social media at sexwithemily across the board and help you enjoy this interview. Barbara Kerala's founder of Urban Tantra. She's an author and artist and innovator, instigator, thought leader in the fields of sex,

gender and spirit. And what I love is you're pioneering Urban Tantra workshops where name best in York City by time out, by time out in York, magazine, and your award in 2016, award at Sexual Freedom Award for Lifetime Achievement. I've heard so much about you over the years I read your book. We talk about you. I'm so happy to meet you. Thank you for coming to the studio tonight.

I'm so happy to be here and meet you finally. Yeah, I know. Right. This is exciting. Okay, so I've lot few things I need to cover with you. So listen, so every year we do these sexual resolutions, right? Okay. And last year, mine was, I'm gonna learn Tantra. Like I want to, I've dabbled and it didn't happen. And I remember asking my friends, like, well, you just Barbara Krullis. So you gotta take what you gotta do her. You gotta go do that.

I'm like, yeah, but it was busy at a time. And so I am fascinated by it. And I talk what I know about it, but I think it's very comfortable. I'm dabbled. Like I don't think that it's very widely understood even what it is. Good point. Yes, if you could explain that. There's Tantra, there's Tantric Sex. We're going to talk about Tantric Sex. That makes sense.

But to contextualize it just for a minute. Tantra is a spiritual practice. It's also a bit of a social political revolution. It's ancient, it's Indian. We don't need to know, although many people want to, and it's fascinating, all the history of all the aspects of Tantra, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with sex. However, what Tantra does say is that you can reach your potential, your spiritual growth, some would say enlightenment by going into anything on this earth plane, completely, totally, with complete consciousness and total commitment, including sex. Right.

Sex is one of the things on this earth that by going into totally you can achieve spiritual peace, physical happiness, realization. Okay. Now obviously since Tantra is one of the few sex positive spiritual practices on the planet, people tend to focus on the sex part. And that's cool. Yeah. So for my purposes, which is why I found it urban tantras, so that I could make it accessible to everyone, you don't have to want to go through hundreds of years of spiritual texts, think at a guru and all that. Thank God.

You can just get to the consciousness around sex part first. Then if you want to do the rest, that's great. But if you don't, you'll still get something wonderful out of it. So in essence, what Tondrick's sex means is slowing down, going into each moment mindfully, we've all seen that word, and being present now, and adding breath, because the more you breathe, the more you feel. Breath also leads to amazing changes of state. Let me give you an example. You know like you have a kind of bleh sex and you're like, mm-hmm, this will be over soon and and that's about the extent of your breathing because you're really just kind of waiting for it again. Yes. Then there's this sex. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And that goes on. And that goes on. And that goes on. And when you finally have an orgasm,

you think it's just about all the yummy things that your lover was doing to your genitals. But part of why you feel so good was the, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Okay, then. You have literally taken your mind into an altered state of consciousness. So if you slow down and breathe more, you have a huge piece of the Tontric Sex secret

right there. Yes. Yes. I love everything you're saying. And I know that. So breath. Okay. So breath is so, and we were talking about this before you're saying and I know that. So breath, okay. So breath is so, and we were talking about this before you came in because I understand the importance of breath.

We don't, we die if we don't breathe. But learning to breathe properly, so many of us breathe like chest up, like fight or flight and like dive, like do you teach certain kinds of breathing, correct? When I, when I first started on this this path I learned all these different breath techniques and they are wonderful and each one produces a different effect. But honestly all you have to do is breathe a bit more fully and deeply than you usually do and you'll be fine. Okay. The trick is remembering to keep breathing. When I came into the studio before I was talking to anyone, I was hearing your call about

from the gentleman with fantasies. I didn't hear the whole thing. But I like to tell my students and colleagues, give your mind eroticly constructive things to do. If you're thinking about a fantasy about somebody who's not in the room, who's not involved in this scene, you're being taken away from the experience you're trying to be a part of. However, if you can focus on something like your breath, your partner's breath, the two of you breathing together, that's an erotically constructive thing to be doing that keeps you in the present moment, as opposed to in some other place in some other time

Which is where fantasies happen? so erotically constructive things to do Let's call it tontra 102 instead of 101 would be Imagining you can see sexual energy running through your partner's body imagining that you C-sex is more of an energetic act instead of just a physical act,

that too takes imagination. You can think of sexual energy as hot red fire or orange fluff, it doesn't really matter. I love the erotically, I had to write that down. Erotically constructive. Fantasy, so what I love that you're saying here, and this is where I need, I love the erotically, I had to write that down. A radically constructive fantasy. So what I love that you're saying here, and this is where I need, I love this, is because I often talk about being more mindful during sex,

because the biggest challenges that were also got to I'm distracted, not even just for sex, but to get in the mood, to get a rouse, desire, to get turned on, we just don't, we're just we're in our heads. I always say like be mindful, focus on your, if you find your mind wandering and you're wearing during sex, I always say go to your senses like focus on your breath. Like what are you touching? What are you smelling? What are you hearing? What are you tasting? Because when all your senses are engaged, you can't be in your

head. You're in your body. Very tantric. That is an erotically constructive thing to do. Oh, thank God. Okay. So I'm already a little tantric. You're ready. But I get it. But I have and I practice it a little bit. but it's more like not with a partner yet, it was on, I did a little bit of court, I did some courses, but not with a lover that was on the same plane with me, but in my mind, that is like the ultimate, the ultimate sexual experience, I think,

I mean, I wanna say that right here. And I've done it all, not all, but I've done a lot. So to me, that's just because also I've done a lot of years of meditation and yoga and all those things, but to me to bring it into sex. And I feel like more and more, I've been doing this show for a long time, 14 years, and in just the last few years,

I feel like even more so people are asking for this. They want to be out of their heads. Everyone's got anxiety. They need the mindfulness practice. So to me, tantras like this secret gateway for this. They want to be out of their heads. Everyone's got anxiety. They need the mindfulness practice. So to me, tantras like this secret gateway for people. Part of a tantric practice erotically is to release expectation and goals. One of the things we're in our heads about is, am I going to have an orgasm? Are they going to have an orgasm? How good will the orgasm be? Will it be better than yesterday? Is, as good as I was hoping, and we're everywhere, but in the present moment. So if we can let go of even the expectation of orgasm, but rather go deeply into, say,

the sucking of a nipple, or the feel of cool skin, or the delicious way your partner is kissing you from neck to toe. If you are breathing, if you are staying in your body, if you are really focusing on feeling the sensory elements that you were just talking about Emily, then you can go into alternative orgasmic states, especially with the breath, that are so juicy that you won't care if you had a genital orgasm or not. That's where the myth about intonetra people can't come or don't come. Yes they do, but they know what alternative orgasms look like. They know that there are totalities of possibilities of orgasm that they haven't even discovered yet.

And they're open to tripping over a new one. So giving up that goal of what's supposed to happen, and if this doesn't happen, and that doesn't happen, and that doesn't happen, we have failed. Whereas if you don't have any expectations, whatever happens is a win, is a success. It's a hey, who knew, that was cool. So, okay, so you're saying, in your brain,

when you're having sex, you're, when you're, we first started practicing tantra. Do you say tantra, tantric, I know it's like, tantra, tantra, tantra. I know people will get like, okay, I never know. I mean, people that want to be PC with the tantra world. So don't hate me, just kidding, they're not haters. I get it, who's gonna be mad,

the angry tantric sex people are angry at me. Oh trust me. I could. I could point you towards the yoga people who fight like within yoga studios fighting. Some people think everything I do is like, that's not real. Oh, see? Okay. Maybe that's why my friends were like, you had a talk to her. Because I was just like break down like urban tantra. Just the name because I always say like with people heard about it through sting and his wife like, remember years ago and they're like, oh, it's like for 20 hours.

That's Andre. No. And so I think you probably make it very accessible. Like you have to have sex. My mission. Right. And my mission is to make sex more accessible. So that's why everyone's like, you guys have to meet because to me, I'm like, so you're saying let go of orgasm that the concept of it because what you feel through the breath is a different kind of orgasm. That's one piece of it. Let go of how sex is supposed to go down. Right. Because we don't know. And every time we think we know. Right. We think we know.

And it's limited to, you know, something the size of a comic book, when in reality, the possibilities are more like the entire bank of knowledge in six Wikipedia's. Yeah. It's true. I always say we have to expand our sexual repertoire. We don't, we've all just scratched the surface. And our sexual possibilities. Yeah. We don't know what we don't know. One of the techniques I love to teach people,

in fact, I've done an MP3 downloadable because I wanted to teach people this. Our breath and energy orgasms, their orgasmic states reached just by breathing. And if you can master, and it's not that hard, it's really a simple technique, if you can master a breath and energy orgasm and then take that skill into your regular love making, I'm seeing fireworks. I already am because we...

So anyway, I have on BarbaraKorellis.com. You can find a downloadable guided meditation to help you do that. But learn about Barbara Korellis. We're going to put that on our show. So if you go to sexcelemy.com and you click on the show notes, you're going to have a link there so you can all download and listen to it. I'm going to do when I get home tonight. Thank you.

But a breath and energy orgasm technique will help show you that there's a vast range of orgasmic possibilities that lie beyond the ones that Cosmo, Pollock, and magazine. And I love Cosmo. Talk about. Is this for men and for women? Absolutely. And people differently gender than that. All gendered, right, exactly everybody. All genderers, all genderers, all sexual preferences. Everybody who's anybody can breathe. And all sexual preferences. That's amazing to me.

So because we often we don't know how to use our breath constructively is what we're saying. Like it's our life force, but we actually don't even know. We're not taught how to breathe. And the culture supports very, very, very shallow breathing. And most of us learned when we were first masturbating as kids, we internalized holding our breath while we were masturbating. There are some physiological reasons why we hold our breath right before we come, but

I believe that when we were, however we were, and we were masturbating, and it was in secret and we didn't wanna get caught. What's a sure way not to make a sound and not get caught, hold your breath. And so we all learn to masturbate like, yeah, that's what I thought too, why guys are so quiet sometimes, you're like, what, because you're afraid your mom is gonna walk in?

Exactly, and you wanna be quick because you're gonna get caught. And the quick, so you hold your breath and you bear down and you make yourself come. And so our orgasms are completely lacking in breath and oxygen and are filled with tension. Yeah. And we're pushing it out. One of the things comfortable teach you and the breath and energy orgasm is just a great technique within that And the breath and energy orgasm is just a great technique within that, under that umbrella, is to relax, open up, breathe more,

and take that into orgasm. It's kind of energetically like the difference between filling a 30 gallon jug, which is the breath, or a coffee cup, which is the quickie under the covers holding our breath. Yeah. And how much sexual energy would you like to have in your tank if you were gonna fly to the moon?

Yeah, I mean, all of it. I want all of the sexual energy on the planet. And what the great thing is, it's accessible to everybody, right? Like everybody could learn to do this. Everyone can do this. Even people with spinal cord injuries can do this. And they could learn to have sensation in their body. They could have orgasms energetically through their breath.

I mean, I totally understand this and I've seen it. And Jamie's resolution this year was to think herself off. And then we found your video, we found your video of she thought herself into orgasm in a room of people. We watched in the series XM Board Room before the show. I was like, do people ever watch people having orgasms in the boardroom? But that's Bajet's her goal.

And I don't even know if I mean, I've seen people do, no, but yours was amazing like that you could, you're not touching yourself either. It's mine, but it's not mine. That's a thing, it's breath. It's breath, and I add a little imagination like because I'm breathing, I'm imagining that I'm breathing the energy up my body.

So I use my imagination, erotically constructive thing to do to imagine the energy as either a color or like a warm liquid or. Is that how you can you help people who don't want to fantasize last or let's tell people who are who have porn challenges, watching too much porn or you know, this is a way of kind of rewiring the brain or rewiring those circuits. Yeah, it is because you're replacing it with breath. Yeah, and it can be like any new skill, or especially if you're breaking a habit, it can be kind of a bit challenging at times. It's good if you have a practice buddy more several because it's just different. And anytime we try to do something differently, it takes a little bit of discipline.

You have to show up and do the practice. So it was this kind of practice that I could do, like, because I went on this retreat with someone. It was a little bit tundra about Kundalini and it was like I had partners, like it was male partners and we did some breathing and some of the exercises and I did kind of start to feel energy circulating and But is it the kind of thing that in your courses for example your urban tantra classes that you're just it's closed on or is it close off or is I do a lot of close on classes like Here in New York, which is where we are at the moment. I teach frequently at the New York Open Center all this is on my calendar of events, by the way.

And I have a one day that is absolutely totally closed on and you're not forcibly paired with anybody. You can meet somebody there or bring somebody with you or just work alone because most of a lot of what I, when I learned Tantra, a lot of what I learned on my own, I didn't go into it to work on a relationship with a lover. I went into it because there was an AIDS crisis going on. I was looking for a safer sex practice that had a spiritual and a healing component.

All the benefits and other relationship and sexual lovelies that came out of that were lovely, but it isn't why I'd gone into it. How that's fascinating. So before that, you were having sex just having orgasms like everybody else. Like everybody else. And then you went into this. How long were you in the practice? Well, because we were in a crisis situation in the late 80s.

Annie Sprinkle and I, I'm sure you're in the andi. Yes, yes. Now a famous, eco-sexual and artist. Annie and I started studying Tantra. We would learn something on a weekend and we would bring it back to the people with AIDS at the New York Healing Circle the following Tuesday. And so we'd have to sometimes translate from let's say a Sanskrit-based chanting workshop to what might work in a roomful of gay men. Hence urban which was peace, serenity, an ecstatic body feeling,

which believe me, people with AIDS were sorely lacking. And a sense that everyone was part of a greater, higher, safer, loving, good. Right, and that's that's amazing work you did. That's, I didn't know much about your history in that, but that is, I mean, that is so, that's so healing. And so it's such a beautiful practice that you learned. Give in our culture today.

We need it now. This is what I'm saying. I love how you start out saying how it's not just for sex. Like, if we get people in through sex, great. But if it helps you become more mindful in your day to day life and to take more deep breaths, I mean, and I mean, that's amazing to me. Because I think we could all, we're so distracted.

Like I've always been distracted before this cell phone and now it's like, I need to meditate. I mean, whatever I can do, but even right now, if you're my breath, I've taken, I've tried. You wanna stress it? I can keep breath, breath, breath, breath, and it changes everything. Yeah.

And I really encourage people, here's another one of those tips. I really encourage people to do what Annie Springgill termed Meditation combined masturbation and meditation. I have an orgasm and then go into meditation. Yeah That's I so for that my new mantra this year was another one was a meditate masturbate and manifest But but I was just saying it is it better to masturbate first or after I meditate, I kind of flipped around. Great. Okay, so let's talk about, there's so many things, erotic touch with, okay, so attention

to massage. So you do that exercise, but what about if you're with a partner though in Valentine's day? You would do that. Exactly the same thing. I'd just ask you to use you as... But you would do that on your partner. Yep, and as slowly as you can do it.

And the other thing is to get, the right amount of pressure is, all right, I'm gonna get, do it. Briefly nerdy, the resilient edge of resistance, which all that means is that place of pressure that's not too light, which is creepy, light touches, creepy hands. If it's too light, and not too heavy, if you've ever gotten a massage by somebody with a really deep touch, you're like, ow, and you're tensing up, you don't want that.

You want something that's right in the middle. You want to sort of press down on the body and the body pushes back to meet you. And that edge is the resilient edge of resistance. So it feels like a kind of holding as opposed to a gliding over the body. It feels like a kind of, oh, I've got you. I'm holding you and I'm just stroking you at this edge and then your partner can say, oh, that's lovely, a little more, a little less, but probably they'll just be going,

yeah, just slow everything down. We go so fast, heart of palm and go slow. So, what do you think the benefits are of this for couples that you've seen that have learned it together. That there's more to sex than some formulaic four-play sometimes couples, especially those who've been together for a while, have like, okay, I kiss here, I suck here, I stroke there, and then we're fucking. Right. And it gets really old. So old.

And that's happens in every, don't be surprise if this sounds familiar because it happens in most every everybody because the same thing over and over and over again and this is expansive this kind of work and maybe you'll have a give a central massage and not touch generals maybe that's the game tonight. And also in Urban Tondra, the book, is erotic massage that includes the genitals and very specific touches on the genitals. Ooh, I love that. My friend Joe Kramer, who pioneered a lot of this work also in...

Sexological bodywork. That's right, who found its exological bodywork. Used to call it genital reflexology because it had that sort of specificity. And all those strokes for pussy's and penises are also in the massage chapter of our brain. I've heard about my friend who've done some of their courses. I know a lot of people who've done sexological bodywork and you're like, yeah, but the massaging the penis and the, I mean, and they can also heal a lot of trauma.

For people too. For people too. Right? And people who we hold things in our body and I feel like it's, I don't know, and I don't want people to feel like, oh, that's so out there, like it's so accessible. You've online courses too, right? Yep. And I partner with Joseph Gramer for some of them and others.

Oh, you did. And, in fact, something I'm really proud of is I have a new Instructional erotic massage video for Trans-ingenior non-conforming people and that's under my online sex classes as well. It's amazing because They sometimes get left out They get left out your absolutely right and it's and it's a very very different process for differently gendered people. Most of them have gone through, can use erotic massage

to rediscover who they are as erotic beings in whatever gender they're being. Yeah, because now would you know it's a new body? It's a new way of being. It's a new way of being with your body, whether or not you alter your body. Exactly. And if you do alter your body. Exactly.

And if you do alter your body then it's completely, it's behaving completely differently than what it may have been once before. Well, exactly. And most of our bodies were born in and we don't know what to do with it. Thank you, good morning. And then you have a new body. God, you're doing such great work. Thank you.

But will you stay with us for another segment here? We're going to ask some calls. I love it. Our guys want to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get ask some calls. I love it. Our guys went to a quick break and we come back. We're gonna get into your calls Okay, let's talk to Ashley. She's 25 in California. She says I found on the internet that my boyfriend is ordering women's clothing found out that he has a fetish all right Hey, Ashley Hi Hi, how you doing?

Good, how are you? Good. Okay, so tell me what happened. So I was going to order something online through Amazon and I had to use his account and I stumbled across some things that he had ordered before we were dating, women's clothing, makeup, that sort of a thing. And I wasn't going to really, I didn't know how to approach it at first, but then I confronted him about it.

And he kind of explained everything and that he doesn't really understand it himself. I knew that he was kind of into being the submissive one and I have much more dominant personality which is fine. Okay so that works. He it bothering me? Great. He's also bisexual, which doesn't bother me at all. Okay. I think that I'm a very open-minded person. Yeah.

But it was hard because at that point, we had been together for over a year and we were committed to each other. We still are, but I felt like, you know, he knew everything about me, even the good, the bad, the ugly things that I don't normally tell other people. Okay. Sounds like you guys are really open and loving and accepting of each other? Yeah, and so I just felt kind of like my trust was violated and that like, you know, I felt like at least my perception was that he could come and talk to me about anything in the fact that he was hiding this from me. Right. You know, kind of hurt. No, I understand that. It's really, yeah, but it's

it must have been, right. I understand that absolutely, but it's such a hard thing to share because he knows that this is not something that his other friends are talking about in the locker room, right? He just knows he has his fantasy and he doesn't really understand it. And so, I understand that part of it, but how are you guys doing now?

Or are you, what's your problem gonna help you? How can we help you? Even another sex expert here in the studio. Yeah, how can we support you right now? Where are you guys at with this? So we're good. I think it's kind of one of those things where it's like, we haven't really talked about it.

So it's out of sight. Oh, OK. But I mean, we talked about it at first, but it just hasn't been brought up. And I told him, out of sight, out of mind. Oh, okay. But I mean, we talked about it at first, but like it just hasn't been brought up. And I told him like, I want you to be happy. And I don't know that I can give this to you or that I'm comfortable with it. And so if this is something that is really gonna,

you know, make a difference in what you want and how you live your life. Mm-hmm. You know, I don't to be holding you back. Well, it sounds like you're being really supportive of him. I'm sure there's a lot of shame in it. This is something that he's been hiding for a long time.

He's afraid that you ultimately we keep secrets because we're afraid that we're not lovable. We're afraid we're going to be abandoned. And it's a very deep level. So it's like, I'm sure he wants to tell you everything, you know, but now that it's out there, I feel like this is a great time to go back to and let him know it. Because then we have to tell our partners things a few times, but let him know that you support him. And I think it's a good time for you guys to continue to talk about maybe what you're both

into, you know, sexually. Like this could actually bring you guys together. And yeah, Barbara, correct? you know sexually like this could actually bring you guys together and yeah Barbara I'm just curious Ashley is it okay with you if he gets dressed when he's by himself to just masturbate is that okay with you could you live with that? I mean like I kind of understand like you know what you want to do with your body is your thing and I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't do I mean the thought of it makes me a little like,

right. I just want to maybe uncomfortable. And it's not because like, I think he's crazy or anything. It's just because it's something that I had never heard of forced feminization before and now we're in something else because does he want you to for role play forcing him to dress is that that's thank you yeah is that what you think that's his like fantasy I guess so and I asked him why and his response was that like, you know, in our society, male is just supposed to be this like, macho, you know, ideal and basically demeaning a man in the biggest way you could do that is telling them that, you know, they have female characteristics or like, you know, you know, you know, she, she, you know, does that like a girl like me?

Right, right. Yeah. Force feminization is one of the most popular fantasies with people who like to cross dress. Now, that doesn't mean you have to also get off on that fantasy. He can dress by himself and that can be enough or not, and you guys can work that out. But you shouldn't be doing anything you're uncomfortable with

as in the participation of the fantasy if you're not getting off on it. Right. And you could also make yourself more comfortable because it simply knew to you with the idea of him doing things in private. Both are true. Exactly.

You see that? It's like it's just because it's new to you and it's shocking. You don't know where to put it right now. Maybe your brain, but Barbara's saying there's another possibility that it could be okay, that he does that, that he master rates on his own, and the woman's clothing, and you still have your sex life together, that's your own thing that you guys,

that's separate from that, and that you're okay with it. You can learn to accept it. Yeah. And I asked him, like, why, what do you get out of, dressing like that? And he said, you know, at one point, I never thought, like, that I deserve to like be with someone beautiful. And like, you know, and when you look in the mirror and say somebody

who's completely different, then, you know, you're kind of out of your own mind. And like, you see something beautiful or what like society tells you is beautiful. And so And so it made them feel better about themselves. Yeah, I love that. That's a really good answer. I mean, it sounds like he's done a lot of real thinking about this. That's one of the most descriptive answers I've heard that's true to him. That's not for everybody who all people call in, who wear women's underwear, men who do or anyone does anything, but I love that he knows himself that well.

So my thing is that, and that's serving him right now, like sometimes we can have, you know, we get to have our own erotic lives that actually are fulfilling us in some way. Like, it doesn't sound like it's unhealthy to me. It sounds like it's a really healthy expression of a way that he felt less than, or a way that he felt that he wasn't good enough to be with a woman and that he's found a way to eroticize it in a way that he felt that he wasn't good enough to be with a woman and that he's found a way to Rotisize it in a way that seems pretty healthy. So It's really about you this is like a new layer, you know, they say the relationships like layers of the anymore Contan you were peeling them back and you're never done. There's always more layers

And so it sounds like this is a new one for you guys and that you can come together and talk about this I think it is important to continue talk about them them and just let them know that you accept him and maybe there's gonna be more that comes up for you. But I feel like he's given you all the real answers right now and that you can also share your feelings with him. Right, yeah, I mean, I just didn't know what to do with it because like I said, it's not something that I'm into and it's, so I like you know

I how do you you want to please your partner and like make them happy and make them feel fulfilled but how do you do that when it's something that you know well that's a really good question so you're talking about the part where you're forcing force feminism or talk about right like being involved when being tough but you said that you might be into being dominant right well i mean i wouldn't say that like it's something that uh... enjoy but like of the two of us i have the more dominant person okay so not section not

in bed necessarily one of us was going to be the more dominant one of the me so right now where you're at, it doesn't really turn you. So I think here's the thing with a couple that there are sometimes, I know right now, like I don't understand what to do with this, but what couples can do is they can, you can come together and like, what are your fantasies? Like I think it would be great for you to share with them maybe some things that you're into. And perhaps there could be a way that you guys could have a kind of co-create your own sex life together that something completely

new because you realize that this is new for both of you. And so it's not as static as it looks that it's like this is what he wants, this is just what he knows. I kind of had this fantasy in my head, but if you guys kind of continue to talk about and pull it apart, there's more layers to this as well. Right. And if you're not into it, you're not into it. Like there is a certain point where people have a fetish or they have a fantasy and it's

not what you want to do. You should never, ever go into anything that you don't want to do and maybe that could be something that won't work. But I don't think we know yet. I think there's more for you guys to explore together. And maybe right now he does in his room, we masturbate, and he wears underwear and he's not with you and then you guys on your own can work on your sex life together. And figure out what that next step is.

Right. And like, you know, he's not really comfortable talking about it either. I think it's, you know, it sounds like he though he's very articulate about what he is going through. So I think it's the way that you approach it and letting him know maybe this is what it is. The sex talks that we have with our partners are not necessarily a one time thing. I think we talked about it once.

You have to talk about it a lot. So maybe you would say to him, next Ashley's, I want you to know, I know we haven't talked about this in a while, but I want you to know how I accept you and I love you and I don't want you to know that I'm here and I want to continue to have conversations with you and let's start. Let's just start no pressure here, but we'll continue to talk about it. Let him know you're open and then maybe you need time to think about and come back to you next week.

But I'd say even when you see them tomorrow, I mean this is the kind of thing you guys, I think you start doing it now, you know? And so continue to act and continue to figure out what your truth is and the more you talk about it, the sooner you're gonna come to a place where you can see if you guys are compatible or not. So keep me posted Ashley, thank you for calling

in with this fascinating call and I think it's really helpful for a lot of people including me. Okay, let's talk to Grace. She's 29 in Canada and she's feeling like she missed out on having a healthy sex life in her 20s. All right Grace, thanks for calling. Hi, Emily. Hey, okay, so tell me why do you think you missed out on this great sex in your 20s? I don't know, like I started B10, I guess, when I finished university because growing up the focus was always, you know, little halfway friends just focus on getting the education and getting the job.

So anyways, I decided to put that off and then when I graduated, that's when I started to do them seriously. But anyway, so with the first guy, we were together for like 20,000 years and we worked all the time. And I felt like the sex was great. It's until, you know, later on, F all those people was cheating on me, so I broke up.

Okay. And then, you know, went Tundra is free for like a year, right? In D. Tadal and then someone else and they could find it a while. But then, I mean, the attraction was there, but the sexual energy, I think we're just pulled on the floor. My drive was higher than he is. And so, I mean, we ended up breaking up anyway. Right.

Okay. But now it's, I'm just, I don't know what it is, I'm wrapping up my 20s, I'm going into my 30s and I'm like, how do you look to long term relationships? I didn't. I don't know. I get it. No, I understand what you're saying. And I think how great at 29, you realize that there's so much more that you want to experience

that you haven't yet, you know, yet experience. A lot of people don't ever realize that. They just keep having the same kind of sex and settling for it. So you didn't miss anything. I'm telling you, you're just starting today. I'm really like, I didn't start the show until I was 35 and I was having bad sex. I didn't even know. I knew it could be better. And so the fact that you even know that is the next step towards you having that sex that you want. And this starts with none of these partners that you had that cheated in that were bad lovers

or the whole thing, it's about you. And what feels good to you, Grace? What turns you on to you? Do you masturbate? Do you pleasure yourself? Because that's really where it starts. Our own sexual energy circulating that, like, you know, understanding that,

and then you'll, you know, that will open up so much more for you. Yeah. Well, I do masturbate sometimes at times, but like, after last, you know, relationship, I feel like it's time for my sex drive, because we weren't having sex with Austin, and it's just like, you don't use a cumulative type of a deal, I think that's what happened. And so now I'm just at the point where I'm trying to get back all the time to the day,

do you see that again? And for some guys, it's like that strong physical connection and then a half-six, but it was ludicrous of the times or three times and it's good and then afterwards, it's just like, oh, well, you know, it's just, yeah. Because it's, I understand that. That's more about knowing your own body and understanding what you want from, I mean, from a situation, right? And then you're bringing your energy to it and you're able to communicate with a partner.

When we're with someone new, it can be clumsy and weird and we don't have to communicate and we're expecting that like he's going to read your mind and know what you want. And that just, it's really hard to keep up with that connection if we're not really even familiar with ourselves. So I get it. She's taught Barbara. This is so good.

Like in your field, like the energy of the connection and pheromones that we have are not pheromones. We're talking about earlier. The connection of a pherom that works. The said, though, no, that's a real thing. But what do we do with the chemistry that we have? And we don't have it? Do you think you can build that with anyone?

What do you think about that? I think you can create a wonderful erotic connection with a whole lot of people. That doesn't mean they're going to be life partners. Yeah, I agree with you. You can have great sex with somebody you see once and have a great connection. And that may not, and it may go absolutely south if they turn into a life partner. But I did wanna say that each one of us

is on our own personal sexual evolution. And there are decades where there's more sex and there's decades when there's less sex. And it's just the way it is. Exactly. And nobody misses out. Everybody gets exactly what they're intending to find and sometimes, unless we're feeling like we missed out a little, we wouldn't have the impetus to go out and find something

new and better and more. Right. So you're about to leap into your sexy thirties. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Enjoy. I love it, Grace. That's what I'm telling you. This is the first step towards you having that.

The fact that you've been recognizing it, so we love that. You didn't miss anything. It's all good times ahead for you, Grace. Thank you for calling. Okay, Barbara, love having you here. Barbara Corralis, Urban Tantra, where people can find you where I've always on the site.

Barbara Corralis, What's the best Barbara Carrara list dot com that's C A double R E double L A S dot com and for the caller who hung up who wanted to know where to get my book Urban Tantra sacred sex for the 21st century you can get it on Amazon like everything else right this minute or you can go to my website and order it through there and see what other books I also have a book called Extasy is necessary. You might like or luxurious loving. And I've also got some downloadable stuff. I'm downloading the masturbation one tonight. Is that what it was a masturbation? The breath in energy or gas? Sorry, I made it masturbation. Okay, I'm not sorry, but you guys, it's also undershap exactly. I gave that up in 2018.

See? I know. So that comes back sometimes. But sex.com, you can find everything about Barbara, amazing Barbara on our website and our show notes. But I, okay, well, oh, I thought that was, I wanna ask you five questions, so we ask all of our guests.

Okay. Okay, so here's our five sexy questions, quicky questions, what's your biggest turn on? Nature. Okay, biggest turn on? Nature. Biggest turn off? Donald Trump? What's the sexiest body part to you?

It depends on who it's on. Alright, I agree. What are your love languages? Do you know? I think gifts a service, gifts a service. Access service, okay. Oral sex, would you rather go first or second? See the breath you guys? It. Um, that question would never occur to me. I know. See, that's why we're here thinking of the big question.

I don't care. Alright, I know as long as we all get ours. Okay, thank you Barbara Carlisle for being here. You don't have to answer. You can even opt out. Alright guys, I hope you enjoy the interview and the show. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Hey, was it good for you?

Email me feedback at sexwithamily.com.